Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So we're back once again with grace. It is always
amazing to have you in your spirit. And we're literally
going to jump right into this corbo around developing relationships
in general while we are what you call a pandemic
of loneliness. Give context to that phrase, pandemic of loneliness.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Guess well, once again, thank you. I love these conversations
with you. And it's not what I call I actually
have been trying to find the word. And I noticed
during the pandemic friends of mine who were in long
term relationships all of a sudden hated their partner. It
was no in a weird way. Next seak is fast,
it's real like these people who were And I realized, Oh,
(00:45):
when you pick a person to be out in the
world with that, you're going to these galas, they look
great in the outfit. You have to go to people's houses,
you're at dinner versus someone who you're in a hole with,
and that's it. It's a different quality. And what was
interesting thing was when we're out in the world, we're
picking less about intimacy and we're picking more about fun
(01:05):
and matching and attractiveness and jush And now all of
a sudden, We're in our home and it's about nurturing
and intimacy and how do I feel? And so I
started to notice then that one people are breaking up
like crazy, people were meeting getting married immediately. But what
was happening the most important was people were realizing, oh,
I need something different than I thought I needed before.
(01:28):
And so I've been talking to people at all ages,
from preteen to teenagers to adults up until the seventies
and eighties about intimacy in the last four years because
it's fascinating to watch something that I was sold through
media and Disney movies. My whole life is a certain way,
and it's absolutely not that way, and it's actually very
individual and beat spoke, and I find that. So it
(01:50):
was a New York Times that quoted this thing, pandemic
of loneliness. I'll find this article, and it was. It
gave a lot of different sightings, examples that are not
necessarily Folcus sing on, like we lost to virginity teenagers
in one year. Now it's way into the twenties for
some sexes, and that people are afraid past nine to eleven.
(02:11):
There's a whole generation of people that are traumatized me
two times up pandemic. It's like, I don't know how
to talk to people, know what to do. Then you
have our age and older who are panicked and freaking
out because we're in a technological boom, and it's presenting
a lot of fear that's representing being older because now
you need to know things you don't know. That's scary.
(02:31):
Things that you've your whole life, you've managed to deal with.
Now they're not even something that you use in your
day to day. And so you also have women in
our age who for a long time did what they
were told to do, Like we all had a parent
who are like, you got to get married, or that's
just what people do, kind of vibe or they love
you more than you. All this weird advice that we
(02:52):
got in our generation that don't worry about it, but
you got to do it for status or survival or whatever.
And so the women are mad, they're not interested. So
I'm seeing for the first time more than ever, that
in our generation, our age, people are choosing younger and
both sides and there's now not a connection point. So
that is its own thing. People in their fifties, So
(03:13):
it's a little bit of anger and fear around the unknown.
It's a little bit I want things to say the same.
I'm in my fifties. Women used to always be like that.
I'm in my fifties, I'm a woman. I'm sick of
this happening with men. Or I'm an age now, or
it hasn't worked, I'm going to choose maybe same sex.
I'm gonna do something very different and radical. Whereas kids,
(03:34):
people in their twenties right now, there's a huge divide
around young girls feeling like they are being treated a
certain ways, so they want to cash out. I know
I'm being general, but I'm feeling how desparate it is
right now. And so they're in this slot of soft life,
and you have to court them by having things and
buying them things, and you know, making sure that you
(03:57):
have enough to take care of them, because they feel
like they're going to take care of you. And then
young kids who are always on video games, who've spent
the last multiple years in a game, so they don't
really have the social skills. To women in their thirties
who were taught that you could wait a long time
to have a child, all of a sudden allowed looking
up post pandemic, like, holy shit, it's happening right now.
(04:18):
So it's for different reasons across the board, but all around,
I feel like we are being asked as a world
to change, to get more vocal, to get more honest,
to see ourselves, and to be honest and vocal and
verbal about what our needs are. But most of us,
we're never taught that our needs matter, that it's about us,
and we're all still living so much in the perception
(04:41):
of how other people feel about us.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Yeah and so yeah, And when I listen to you
talk about the disparity of the different types of people,
there is still that commonality of the loneliness, right, and
it's become so widespread, especially while we're living in this
hyper connected digital age. You said, I.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Feel like it's a few things. I think that even
though it's a hyper connected that we're connected, it's gotten
so weird the way other words have. We are hyper
connected actually that we can see each other, but we're
not connected anymore. And I don't know. One of my
guesses around this that I've started to notice is that
when I was younger, the world was tinier because I
couldn't see what was happening in multiple other cities, countries, place,
(05:24):
so it was only the movement and the reality around
me that was happening. I also didn't have to compare
myself to nine billion people. I only had to focus
on what the twenty five thousand, whatever your town or
your city has. So I think there's a few things happening.
We have so much more access to opportunity of things
that we should have, or we should be, or we
should look like. That that's really pulling us outside of
(05:47):
ourselves because it's not focusing on us, like, well, what
do I do feel or what do I like? Or
what is my style or who do I like? And
now all of a sudden, we're being fed from the
whole world stage what we should like, how we should look,
what we should listen to. I think that's confusing. And
I also feel like there's very little room when we
no longer live next to our family or other people
(06:09):
to see multi generational socialization, different kinds of love. So
I just think that we're kind of all stuck right now.
I actually think it's positive because I feel like the
way has been intimacy has been for so long benefits
one versus the other. And we're everything. When we're first
trying to work on it is weird. Even what spring
(06:30):
is like, it's still messy, it's not sunshine yet, the
flowers are now, things are still blooming. I feel like
we're there, but what we are not doing as a world?
And I feel like this sounds over simple, but I
think this is the key to all of it is
stopping and leaning into well, what do I want? Like,
if you're on a dating app and you're just swiping
based on a physicality, that doesn't mean you share anything
(06:52):
in common. That doesn't mean if you met someone in
a club, you're.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Already starting off. You're already starting off in the wrong direction.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Probably right, if you don't enjoy and you met a
man who loves sailing, that's not gonna work. But yet
we are chosen. We're taught to campaign for the ring
or to get someone who's hot, so we're not ever
in the practice of like, what kind of human sitting
next to me is gonna make my life feel It's
gonna help my life full and also calm and safe
(07:21):
and inspiring.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
You talked about connected, though, but you also talked about
connected in all this, and I think you gave some
great examples of the misconception of what connected means. What
are some real definitions or descriptions of what being well
connected in these times means.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yes, well, we all have people in our lives that
when we're around them, we're talking in our head a lot.
We're not on the same page with everything they do.
It doesn't actually feel that comfortable. It's a little chaotic.
We're not sure if we can it's safe to do.
But we also have at least one person in our life,
a parent, a friend, something that when you're around them,
(08:02):
you feel relaxed enough to even think about yourself. You
feel a relaxed enough to wonder what you need next.
You feel relaxed enough to rest, to laugh, to be yourself.
That is the only measure for a partner, a lover,
a child, a friend, for every relationship. And yet we're
not taught. And you know, it's confusing. We have a
(08:24):
lot of religious things that are about like other people
are more important. And I am the first to say
service is huge. But if I don't know how I
like to serve, if I don't even know what I enjoy,
how am I showing up for anything with any authenticity
and true intimacy. So connection is going to mean something
different for everyone. But I'm begging the world to realize
(08:45):
that all of these things. I teach this workshop called
the Oracle of Oral and I use that wild name
because yes, advertising, but what it really is is that
if you want to be the best lover, like we
really want to be the best lover, well, then start
with feeling what you enjoy. Because only from that, from
that confidence of like what you want and what you desire,
(09:07):
can you actually find a person that actually meets that
level of desire that you want to be that excited
to give that level of cherishing and passion in return.
So if you don't feel connected enough with someone to
want to give them freely in truth, not for an act,
not for manipulation, yeah, that's the only thing we were
looking for. And that's why I have a hard time
(09:28):
with the apps, not because I think apps are bad.
I think that what happens on an uber app, you happy,
you know a car is coming. On a food delivery app,
you know food's coming. But on the dating apps, everyone
panics because there we're all frauds. So now we got
to get out there and we have to act like
we're this amazing thing.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
So I take my friends whenever I'm alone with them
and they give me permission, I take their phone and
I write for them a true description. And I'd never
been in the app. So when I was newly after
a couple of years of being single after divorce, I
was like, I'm going to try this out, and I
wrote a description aster I should you not? And I
wrote mother of five just to put it out there.
(10:07):
I mean, my gift, kids, loves animals, loves to read,
like the corniest thing to do. And see, we have
to end and I've got amazing people because people know
what to do with me. It wasn't like some salacious,
fake thing. It was like all of a sudden, I
was meeting really interesting people because I was coming with
my truth and they could find the connection point there.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah, but you're such your personality is one that it's
a very big, confident personal I'll just put those two
descriptions right, And I think for others who may be
a little bit more isolated, reserved, you know, things that
we're talking about are going to be very difficult. What
(10:48):
kind of advice would you give to somebody like that?
Who is feeling isolated but doesn't know how to reach
out or connect authenticly.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Thank you. I want to start by saying, I put
off I put on that big, confident persona because I'm
the opposite. I mean, not anymore. And we you and
I both know a few people that we love dearly
who are no longer here, who had big personalities, and
we know why. And so often that big persona is
a cover for deep insecurity and deep not feeling connected.
(11:21):
And so when people say I don't know how to
access that, I'm saying it's because you're still lying. You're
still not being your full self. So if you are
having a hard time connecting, and you're having a hard
time with socialization, it's time to get honest with yourself.
Maybe these are not your people. Maybe you don't even
know even practice what joy or passion or pleasure feels
like to you. And the more that we lean into
(11:42):
that in truth, the easier it is to connect. And
then I have some hacks, like I tell people, just
like kids, if you're on a first date, you don't
have to do take out a piece of paper in
a pen, play hang man, write a sentence. You know
you're beautiful. What are we going to meet again? Like
gamify it. Go to some place instead of trying to
think about what's the most hottest club. Take them into
(12:04):
something that you really have fun doing, show them a
piece of who you are, and also have fun. Because
if they don't enjoy it, they're not your person. And
so what I'm saying to people is you can decide
that you don't know how to do it and sit
alone and be miserable and whine about it to your
people forever. Congratulations, or you have can understand that there's
some work to do where I can feel safe enough
(12:24):
to let go of this pre verbal story often that
I made about love. You know, my preverbal story was
my parents were busy and they were working. My dad
was often and he was incarcerated, and I often would
wait for to see him when he got back, and
sometimes it wouldn't work out. He'd come, he wasn't coming,
he was supposed to come, he didn't come. So I
created this whole concept of love bombing because it felt
(12:45):
like my dad he was not available, not available, not available,
and all of a sudden everything was happening. Of course,
I'm going to track that because the little person in
me is like, oh that's love. You know what if
my mother I was her partner and I took care
of things the house, she was happy. So I decided
being in service to someone is love. But I'd never
put myself in there because I didn't want to be
a burden. I didn't want to be a problem. So
(13:07):
we got to get honest and with you first, with you,
with us first, Like when I started leaning into what
I really enjoy the last few years and never focused
on any of that before. Ever, it was surprising to me.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
And you're floating and moving without the concern or worry
about what others think about you, which was a very
a huge thing because that very much was associated with
the first couple of chapters that you excelled in, and
you're excelling in this one as well. But that's such
(13:42):
a huge element. And it's when you truly find joy
in moving the way that you move, I think a
lot of this becomes easier and you are a walking
exam example literally of it, right, And so I I
just asked that you continue to shine that light, spread
(14:03):
this word and insight because it really is. I don't
want to call it the cheat code, but it really
is a game changer, such a and as simple as
it sounds, it's so far from being simple, because our
society is just not set up really for this to happen,
and that might be intentional. So I just asked that
(14:23):
you continued on the nose one thousand percent. I asked
that you continue to be an example of that thing
so that others can see what is possible.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
And for that I thank you, thank you, thank you,
as always asked her, such a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yes,