Discipline Over Everything

When it comes to making our dreams a reality, the real measure of success is your will to work. Discipline over everything. In this episode, Khadeen and Devale what habits help them to grind as hard as they do. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Discipline. You hear me, Discipline, not desire, determines your destination.
Discipline is something I struggle with from time to time.
Are sinking me dead as? Hey? I'm Cadine and we're

(00:23):
the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to

(00:45):
talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.
Dead ass is the term that we say every day.
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take phillow Talk to a whole new level.
Dead at starts right now. This story time is gonna

(01:08):
take me back to summer nine ninety nine two. I'll
never forget it because I was eight years old. That
sounds like trauma. It was. It was. It was a
little bit of trauma, but it created the person you'll
see today. All right, my my parents, we've told the story,
you uhould send us to Morristown, Tennessee to be with

(01:28):
our grandparents for the entire summer because they didn't want
us to be running around Brooklyn. But they both were
at work, so me, my brother Brian. This is before
my sister Tori was born, and my cousin Devon used
to go down to Tennessee. And I'll never forget. De
Vaughn was nine about to turn ten. I was eight

(01:48):
and my brother was turning six, and we had to
get up every morning at eight o'clock and be outside.
It was now Morristown, Tennessee, summertime. It's hot, like mad hot.
There are no trees outside in the front, no nothing.
We just outside in the heat. Right. My grandfather comes
outside on the weekend and say, hey, listen, listen starting

(02:12):
this Monday, Yeah, it's gonna be sitting out, are playing
ball all day and to do what you're gonna do?
You got some yard work to do. We're like, what
yard work? I'm eight, I'm eight, he's he's gonna be
ten and he's six. What y'all work? He taught us
how to turn on the tractor. We had to ride
the tractor and cut the grass. They had an acre

(02:33):
and a half of land, y'all, and they had a
hand trimmer right the hand trimmor that the grown menu son.
We was outside and hand trimming the lawn, bro cutting
the cut in the hedges, doing all of this stuff
when my grandmother sat on the porch in the back
sipping lemonade. This is what she had the three of

(02:55):
us doing, right, And I remember, like tears in my
eyes saying that this is not fear, something like this
is not fair. And stay used to wake us up
every morning. But every Monday we had to do it,
and every Thursday we had to do it. So twice
a week we had to do yard work. And when
I think about my life today, it all goes back

(03:16):
to the fact that my grandparents instilled enough the type
of discipline that we needed to have in order to
do the things that we wanted to do, so we
couldn't do anything else until that got done. Now, you
can make a choice that you're not doing it, but
if you're not doing it, you are not doing anything
else that day that you want to do. And I

(03:38):
think about my life now and I said, you know what,
I hated every minute of that discipline, but I love
the person that created oul h yep, I'm at the money,
money and the cars, cars and the clothes those I's

(04:00):
the post say. I just want to be. I just
want to be success. I just want to be. I
just want to be. I love that. But are you
willing to work for that ship? That's the question. Everybody
wants to be successful, but who's actually willing to work
for it? That's what we want to know. We want

(04:21):
to know. Don't don't wait, slow down race track now.
If we have to pay some bills, we're gonna do
that and we'll be right back. All right, now, we're back.
You know what? That story makes so much sense because
when I look at you, your brother, and your cousin now,
y'all all work like no strangers to work, you know,

(04:43):
doing different things, you know, in your own ways. Yes,
but y'all all have held down jobs and work consistently
on time. For for four years of playing football in college,
four years in the NFL, I never missed a weight
room session, a film session, a team meeting. I never
missed or was late ever. Ever. I can attest to that.

(05:04):
I remember that was that was of paramount priority to you.
I don't care what you did the night before, how
much sleep you got or didn't get, you were definitely
what was the model, the model that your coach gave you.
To be on time is to be to be earliest.
To be on time, To be on time is to
be late, and to be late is to be forgotten.
And don't nobody want to be forgotten? And that's a

(05:24):
that's a military term. And I talked all the time
about my grandfather being in the military, the Navy, for
in the Korean War. So I watched my grandfather when
we used to go to Tennessee, get up at five
am every single morning, regardless of whether he was working
that day or not. And he was up at five
to go to work Monday through Friday. But he woke

(05:45):
up at five on Saturdays and worked more five on Sundays,
and he got his yard working stuff done early during
the weekends. And when I think about discipline, right and
in the sound bite, discipline, not desire, determines your destination.
This is the truth. You can want something so bad

(06:06):
that you just want it. You want it, you want it,
and you can work hard for it. But if you
don't have the discipline necessary to do the things that
you don't want to do. To get it, you'll never
get it. And let's let's break this down. Discipline is
required for things you don't want to do. Yes, so,

(06:26):
and and there's two parts that I want to specify.
It's choosing to do the things you don't want to do,
and it's also the part that says doing the things
you don't want to do. And i'll give you an example. Right,
people think about sports, right, and how discipline you have
to be to be elite in a sport. Right, So
I'm gonna take sports out of it, and I'm going

(06:46):
to talk about instruments because it's easier with sports. Or
you play a sport, you practice, practice, whatever. When I
wanted to play the saxophone, um, my father took me
to a man's name was Kurt for set for set,
and he did the he used to be played the saxophone,
I believe, and he also played the piano. And if

(07:07):
I may be wrong, if it wasn't Kurt, but I
remember I wanted to play the saxophone. And he talked
to me about running m HM, and I hate running
long distance, and I was just like, I'm want to
play the saxophone. Like, why are you talking to me
about running? And he was just like, because if you
love playing the saxophone, you'll play the saxophone all the time.

(07:29):
That takes no discipline, But the saxophone requires you to
take care of your mouth and your lungs. What better
way to take care of your lungs than to practice running.
If you're playing a song right that is over seven
minutes and you have to constantly breathe in stamina, that
requires you to be fit, and the running aspect will

(07:51):
show me and show you if you're willing to be
disciplined enough to play the saxophone. So the running really
had nothing to do with the saxophone, but it was
the discipline needed to be able to do the things
to become a great saxophone player. Because this was when
I wanted to play the saxophone. I was ten, ten

(08:11):
to the ten year old. I'm sure you're not concept yeah,
because it's like anything else, I want to play the saxophone.
I'm gonna enjoy playing the saxophone, which means I'm just
gonna play all the time, all the time, all the flione.
It doesn't take discipline to do the things that you
love if you love playing basketball, ill go outside and
play basketball. It takes no discipline. What takes discipline is
practicing the stuff you don't like to do. For example,

(08:33):
in order to play basketball, you have to be in shape,
which means you gotta run, you gotta lift. I hate
running and I hated lifting, But in order to instill discipline,
I had to do it consistently, and I had to
choose to do it. That's the other part, right. The
first part is doing something you don't like to do
in order to be great at the stuff that you
like to do. The second part is choosing it. And

(08:54):
the reason why I say choosing it is because there's
a difference in doing something that you have to do
and then choosing to do something that you don't have
to do. That choice is what creates the discipline, because
if you're forced to do something that you don't like
to do over and over and over again, of course
you're gonna do it while you're forced. But the minute
you don't have to do it because you're not being forced,

(09:16):
you won't have the discipline to continue to do it.
That's why the discipline comes from choosing to do it right,
not being obligated and working through this. Discipline is almost
like developing muscle memory to that it kicks in whenever
you necessarily don't want it to kick in. Discipline helps
build your mental fortitude and your will power, right, because

(09:38):
if you want to be great at anything in life,
there's going to be adversity. And if you don't have
will power and you don't have mental fortitude to get
through those moments, you're gonna walk away and quit. That's
why discipline, more than anything else, determine your destination. Like
you you can, you can, and it's not just desire

(09:59):
is anything. Discipline is required more than anything else because
if you don't have that when the when the going
gets tough, you're gonna be going. It's funny. I think
about the lessons that parents started instilling kids right, and
think about when I was younger and there was the desire,
for example, first off, for me to say, oh, I've

(10:21):
seen somebody playing the piano. I saw a girl in
my age. She was actually had a pageant, she was
younger than me, and she got on this piano during
the talent competition and homegirl let it rip, and she
was at least seven, played like the most classically trained
pianists I've ever heard in my life. I was so impressed.
I was like, that's Tobe do something like that. And

(10:44):
at the time, I was taking piano lessons already, and
my mom and dad were very big well, my mom's
specifically was very big on exposing us to different things
to say, okay, what was gonna stick. So with the
piano in the beginning, it was cool because it's just like,
all right, you know, I got to exercise, you know,
my way of you know, learning the notes and the

(11:05):
keys and stuff. But in my mind I just wanted
to play like Homegirl. But my my, my music teacher,
was like, yeah, but you have to do this basic
stuff here. And it was literally him putting on that
metronome and I'm like bump bump um hitting the key,
and I was just like, but this is not what
I want to do. I want to play this song
she played. And I could never get my mind around

(11:26):
as a child, particularly the process it required for me
to then develop into the classical pianists in my mind
that I wanted to be. And my mom never allowed me,
even in my frustration, to stop. And I think that's
what a lot of people want to do. They quit.
They seem like, Okay, this is not happening fast enough
for me. This is um not the process that I

(11:49):
thought it was going to be, so you're just easy
to drop it where I couldn't understand at the time.
She wanted me to see the entire process through and
wouldn't allow me to quit until finally I think she
was like, girl, you at me wasting all this goddamn
these um these less these piano lessons, and you know,
I just got discouraged and never continued. And that was
one of the things growing up Now as a woman,

(12:10):
I'm like, man, I really wish I was disciplined more
to work on the process and see it through, because
as a child you can't see it so vivid. Do
you feel like her allowing you to quit it's part
of the reason why now you have issues completing tasks
if you don't really want to do something. Yeah, yeah, um.

(12:30):
And and it's not even as much as her allowing
me to quit, but she just kind of, I guess,
got fed up in the end. It was like, Okay,
if you really are not interested in this, I'm not
gonna continue to invest money in it. Um. But Yeah,
I think that definitely affects me in my day to
day life now because it's easy for me sometimes to
just say I'm not doing it because I don't want
to do it. So I struggle with discipline a lot. UM.

(12:51):
Procrastination is also a thing that I think is a
lack of discipline is going to then promote procrastination, and
that's something that I've struggled with um a lot over
the years. So UM, I am looking for ways to
exercise those things or tactics or approaches with our kids now,
because sometimes with your kids, you can then foresee them

(13:13):
having some of the same habits that you've had, and
you're just like, God, damn Devil will get on me
sometimes for saying, you know, you're telling Jackson the same
thing that you should be telling yourself because you do
X y Z. And I'm just like, I know, and
I see how this has made me, and I've struggled
in my life, and I don't want him to have
the same struggles that I've had, So I try to
then find ways, or we're finding ways as parents to

(13:34):
try to promote and instill discipline in our children, because
you just see the effects of not having that I
just now that I think about it, I go back
to even my aunt and uncles on that side, all
of my aunts and uncles on that side, including my father,
had to learn how to play classical music. And it
was a form of discipline. Older than my uncle, Uncle Charles,

(13:57):
my aunt Debbie, my aunt Monique, and my father all
a class of music growing up. And they did that
on purpose. Like I said, my grandfather was a navy man.
My grandmother was very big on discipline, So them learning
how to play the piano was something that they just
had to do because they had no other option. But
it was to instill discipline. And I bring that up
because there are ways to practice instilling discipline, and I

(14:22):
want to talk a little bit about it. Number one,
the only way you can practice instilling discipline is by
having an accountability partner, right, you need and this is
for adults, right. There are so many adults who asked
me questions about how to build this, how to build that?
How how do I create this? You cannot create anything
consistent with value without discipline. You can get lucky, right,

(14:48):
you can have a video go viral, right, But if
you are not discipline enough to continue to create videos.
You won't be able to create a catalog of videos
to then monetize it, to then create something substantial for
people to continue to come to you and make money
from it. So people think that you can create something
by going viral. That won't happen. You can get people's

(15:09):
attention by going viral, but you can't create nothing meaningful,
meaningful from it without videos. For example, I was consistent
with creating videos three videos a day, madness, I tell you,
for three years. That's over a thousand videos a year.
And I did that for three years, every single day
without missing a day before people started to pay attention

(15:32):
to us the way they've been paying attention to us now.
And that's a discipline. Right when they came time to
to play football, I always talked about not meeting any
missing any meetings, not missing any workouts. Also I added
extra workouts on top of the other Workoutskaudin and I like,
do you ever under understand how much of a savage

(15:53):
you are in the best possible way. Well, I'm I'm
learning now through my kids and I've learn through you
how different my mindset is. I think you should have
learned through even just adults as well people who you encounter.
You know how you talk about being in your own
mind sometimes and being so narrow minded that you just
feel like your reality is everyone's reality, and everyone else

(16:14):
should see the world the way you. I was guilty
of thinking that and thinking that anyone else who didn't
think like me or didn't maneuver like me was weird
or solved. It frustrates your life. It does frustrate me
a lot. And it frustrates me even when people ask
me about how to start something and I tell them
how to start it, and they look at me like

(16:35):
that's it, and I'm like, yeah, right, Like you have
to be consistent. You want me to give you a
quick tip to where you're done in for five minutes. No,
it takes years. There's there's a um saying that it
takes thousands of muscle movements to become muscle memory. Thousands. Right,
it's the same thing for discipline. Right, So let's talk

(16:55):
about what you need. Number one and accountability partner. Why
because an accountability partner will remind you when you're not
doing the things that you chose to do. And you
know what, people hate accountability. That's why less than one
percent of people make it to the NFL and b A.
Less than one percent of people actually make it to

(17:17):
be a working actor. Less than one percent of the
people actually make it to being a CEO of a
fortune five hundred company. Less than one percent of people
actually get the opportunity to own their own business because
they lacked the discipline to see it through consistency, consistently
over time. So when you see these people who are
quote unquote exceptional, typically it's not because they're just talented

(17:40):
or gifted. It's because they have the discipline to keep
doing things that they didn't want to do when no
one else wanted to do them, and they chose to
do it, not forced. Here's proof and that when parents
force kids to do things and the parent and the
kid is not choosing to do it, there's always a
point where the parent can no longer force that child.
And when they can't force that child, you know what,

(18:02):
the child does fall off. So do you think in turn,
discipline is something learned or in eight Because I feel
like I've experienced just even seeing children, our children are
just people in general that some people seem to have
been born with that. You know, when you say somebody,
somebody just has it, like they just have that great
they have that desire, they have that that internal motivation.

(18:25):
Then there's others who might have learned discipline because, for example,
you're in the military or you're you know, you're in
some sort of structural environment where discipline is something that's
preached on and instilled. Discipline is way more nurture than nature.
But as Triple point out, we brought it up to say,
we're talking about this last night, there's discipline, there's motivation,

(18:46):
and there's grit. Right, let's break down the three so
that we can say which one is, because which one three?
I would think that they sort of kind of overlapp
I'm motivated, I'm motivated, I get things done, I have grid,
I have great But that's not discipline. We got definitions,
we got definition, so let's talk about it all right.
Discipline is defined as to train oneself to do something

(19:09):
in a controlled and habitual way, to train or develop
by instruction and exercise, especially in self control. Right. That's discipline, right,
And discipline is also the thing that they're leaving out
of here is choosing right, because if you force someone
to do that, that's not discipline, right, they're forced to that.
Discipline is choosing to train oneself to do something. That's

(19:34):
the most important thing is that you chose to do it.
No one else is making you do it, because when
someone else makes you do it and then they stop
making you do it, if you didn't choose it, you're
not going to continue to do it. Right, So that's
what discipline is. Motivation only exists as a noun, so
discipline is a verb as an action something you do.
Motivation only exists as a noun, but discipline as a

(19:56):
verb form. So in other words, discipline is something you
do choosed to do, while motivation is something that can
come and go, which you cannot choose to do or control. Furthermore,
if you're never motivated to be more disciplined. So perfect example, right,
you may watch take our kids. They watched the last dance, right,

(20:19):
they were motivated to play basketball in that moment. Remember
what they said here, motivation. Motivation is fleeting. It can
come and go. You can wake up one morning feeling
motivated to do something, but then the next morning, after
doing it once or twice, to be like, man, I
don't want to do this no more. You see what
I'm saying, that's that's motivation. So if you say you

(20:41):
know you have to be motivated in order to get
something done, no, that's you can't rely on your own
motivation because motivation could be found where discipline is internal
motivation you can find in different place, and discipline you
can work on motivation. You you can't work on being motivated.
You either are or you not. But displine discipline carries

(21:03):
you through those days when you're not motivated. To see
what I'm saying, absolutely, and then grit, passion and perseverance
for very long term goals, having stamina, sticking with your
future day and day out, not just for the week,
not just for the month, but for years, and actually
working really hard to make that future reality. Grit is

(21:25):
living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint. Socially duckworth.
So grit is the mental fortitude that you have to
have to say, you know what, it takes ten years
to become an overnight celebrity. M right, Um, I'm going
to use discipline to keep myself motivated. To show that

(21:48):
I had grit over ten years, I'm gonna say it
again show So I'm going to use discipline right to
keep myself motivated to show that I had grit. For example,
I had to have grit to be able to do
those videos for three years without making a dime. I
had to have grit right. I had to have the
mental fortitude to see it and have the long term

(22:10):
goal there. Like I had the grid, I saw it,
but I had the discipline right to do the three
videos a day even when I wasn't motivated. You see
what I'm saying. The discipline was the act of the
action of practicing the thing that I need to do
even when I don't want to do it. And here's
a news flash to everybody, de vow Ellis does not

(22:32):
like making videos. De vou Ellis never liked making those
videos every single day. It was part of the plan,
It was part of the process. It was part of
the discipline. I used to I used to sit down
and say, why would someone choose me to be on
their TV screen? Why would someone choose me to be

(22:56):
in their movie? Why why would they choose me? What
if I done to deserve an opportunity? And that used
to be what gave me the grit to say, you
know what, I'm gonna have to take time. That's what
continues in this day, continues for me to make time,
to take time to say, you know what, I need
to create my own content to prove to the powers

(23:17):
that be that I deserve an opportunity. And since I
had the grit to say, you know what's gonna take
ten years to become an overnight celebrity and we're only
on year five, hold this, Kyro five one year five, right,
I'm nowhere near where I want to be. Now. It's
the discipline aspect, right. The discipline is when I used
to say to you, I gotta do three posts a

(23:39):
day at the post to day. I'm gonna do what
I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do it regardless. I
used to not guys. I used to be used tod Y.
I used to sit and she's not the only one
that wasn't motivated because there was something. I used to
wake up and be like, okay, man, I don't really
feel like doing it. And I used to be like,
we know what I committed to it. If I am,
if I am deserving of this opportunity, I'm going to

(24:01):
have to be willing to do the things that I
don't want to do when I don't want to do
them in order to live the life that I want.
So let's get these three videos done. That discipline helped
me push through when I wasn't motivated, and it's showing
its time now over the past five years that I
had great enough to do it because consistency falls in

(24:22):
line with I believe. Well, we know that it's inconsistent
when it comes to motivation, but consistency with discipline, um,
and consistency with grit we're does work ethic fall into this?
So so because I'm thinking about it, Yeah, work ethic
is the principle that hard work is intrinsically Um, I
guess virtuous are worthy of a reward. Right, that's you know,

(24:46):
there's going to be rewards here. So it's like this unyielding,
unrelentless or this relent not that this unyielding relentlessness that
you have with work ethic that I think goes hand
in hand with discipline. Yes, yes, so to me, work
ethic is a byproduct of instilling discipline in the person. Right,

(25:07):
So once you learn to build discipline, and we're gonna
talk a little bit about how that, well, it says
right here, what does it take to build discipline? Number one,
growth mindset. The ability to learn is not fixed. It
can change with your effort. Failure is not a permanent condition, right,
So just think about the growth mindset. Right, What do

(25:27):
I say to Jackson a time? There are no els
in life, there's no losses lessons. You you lost that
one only so that you can learn what to do
better next time. If you think about science, right, Um,
in science, you try, you fail, you try, you fail,

(25:48):
you try until you're successful. All of those failed trials
are not discarded. They just take all the information from
those failed tries to say, Hi, this is what's gonna work.
But it took all of those failed tries first in
order for you to get there. Right, you miss a
ton of shots playing basketball so that you can learn

(26:09):
the proper form to make it when you need to
make it. Right, Michael Jordan's said, I succeed because I
failed so many times, and I failed so many times
so that I could be successful. You have to have
a growth mindset. So the first thing with instilling discipline
is to understand the growth mindset. Understanding that you're gonna fail, right,
Because the thing that stops people from being disciplined is failure.

(26:31):
Oh I tried it, it didn't work. Funk this that's
not a growth mindset, right, that's oh, it didn't work
the first time, so this is never gonna work, so
let me walk away from it. No, a growth mindset
means I failed, which means I have to make an
adjustment and try again. See it's it's funny you say
that because when I think about you, for example, when
the things that we've done over the years, and you know,
you and I independently are together, you never shied away

(26:55):
from failure, and you've never given up, Like there's never
been a moment where you felt like, Okay, well you
I'm trying to do this. That didn't work, so I
forget it. We're gonna scrap the idea. Like that requires
a different mechanism, I feel like in your brain to
be able to say, maybe that's the delusional quality that
you say. Successful people have to say, all right, well
that didn't work, so I'm gonna then pivot and try

(27:17):
something else, rather than be discouraged. Well okay, that's that's fair.
That's fair. But I think that it's never seen a
lot of people work like that. You know what I
feel I feel you. I also feel like it also
has a lot to do with God. Right, God gives
people visions. Right. One thing I will never do is
take credit for everything. And I have because there was
someone who instilled something in me. Right. If you can

(27:39):
see something, that means that it's happened, right, Like, think
about it. When you just take a child and they're born,
and you put them in a white, padded room, They're
not going to just start speaking English. They're not going
to just start walking. I'm not gonna They have to
see it in order to say, hey, this can happen. Right,

(27:59):
So if you think about it like that, when you've
seen something, or you have a vision or your imagination
goes somewhere, it's like, wait a minute, this has to
be possible because I can see it. So and the
fact that you can see it, and the fact that
it's possible means that you have to find a way
to get to it. You can't just say it's oh,
it's this esoteric, divine thing that's never gonna happen. Is impossible,

(28:22):
so just leave it alone. No, it is possible. That's
why you see it. Right. The Right Brothers said that
if you fold a piece of metal right folded, and
you put seats in it, and you put people in it,
and you put wings on the side, you will fly.
And everybody else said they're fucking crazy, they're crazy, But no,

(28:43):
someone gave them a vision God to say this is possible. Right.
The first person that said yo, yo, yo, world ain't
flat y'all, everybody was like, oh, this person here, stupid, right.
It was so bad during those times. I think it
was during the crucial aids that um, they called those
people heretics, meaning it was God's word that this is

(29:06):
what people were saying. It was God's words that the
world was flat, and anyone who said that the world
was round was considered considered a heretic. A heretic was
means you don't believe in the church, which means you
was excommunicated and cast out of whatever village you lived
in because you went against the church. It was that
deep that people really felt that God told them the
world was flat until the person said, no, bro, the

(29:26):
world around. I've seen it, and now we have proof
that the world is round. Because that person kept trying
to prove that the world was round, until finally they
proved the world was round. My point is, when you
have a vision in your mind, you can no longer
discredit your own vision as something you made up and
it will never happen if it's if it's something that

(29:47):
you can see for yourself. Somebody gave you that vision
for a reason, and we have a responsibility to go
get it whatever you do with that. And the thing is,
if you believe in God like I believe in God,
God is going to test you because when God gives
you a vision, right, he gives you a vision with
the responsibility, meaning I'm going to give you this thing

(30:11):
that may help you live in abundance, but you have
a responsibility once you get an abundance to do what
pay it forward? Right. I can only trust those who
are willing to go through the fire to get the
gift that I'm showing them that they have because those
people who go through the fire, I know they have
integrity and they will be disciplined enough to do right

(30:32):
by the gift and with the abundance that I give them.
You really thought you were preaching today, That's when when
we're talking about discipline. I'm gonna be honest, baby, this
is what I feel I have been successful in my
life because I have a responsibility to honor the gift
God gave me, and I have to be disciplined with

(30:54):
the gift to do right by it, even when I'm
living in abundance and God is not going to just
give that to anybody. You know what I'm saying, annoying,
set I noticed I speak very passionate about this, and
I know I sound crazy at times, but this is
just how strong I feel about it because everything in
my life has gone that way. People asked me all

(31:18):
the time, like, how did you know? How did you know?
Right when I was in high school as a sophomore,
I was playing basketball. I was a gifted basketball player.
Football coaches to me, bro you five seven? How many
five seven basketball players? You know? Right at the time
it was Muggsy Bows and spud Web. They were both
five seven and five five respectfully. So I said, not many, right,

(31:40):
and he said, but I can show you a lot
of five seven football players. So I was like, I
want to go to school for free. I don't want
to play football, but if my gift for putting the
discipline and necessary to be a good football players that
I can get a free education. Let me be disciplined
enough to do whatever I have to do to get
that football scholarship so that I can go to school

(32:01):
for free. And when I changed from basketball to football,
people said I was crazy. I was five seven hundred
and thirty pounds and I was a sophomore going to
be a junior. But I had a vision in my
mind that God was going to provide me what I
needed to be successful in that moment if I was
disciplined enough to do the things that I needed to do.
I didn't drink, I didn't smoke. I focused solely on

(32:25):
being the best version of myself with football so I
get my free education. And what happened. I armed the scholarship.
God gave me a vision about the NFL and about
being a huge movie star, but he said, in order
to do that, you're gonna have to go through this fire,
which means I had to do four years of college football.
Had to be disciplined, right. I focused on doing that,

(32:48):
and what happened made it to the NFL, got cut
by the NFL. God said, you want to focus on TV,
is gonna take you ten years to get there, but
you're gonna have to be disciplined. Enough to provide for
your family, create this business so that you can ultimately
get to where you want to. So I said, you
know what, God, you have not failed me yet. All
I have to do is be disciplined. And discipline is

(33:11):
never never failed me. Discipline and obedience and never failing never.
And that doesn't mean that you have to be perfect,
because discipline also means that, say you fall off the
wagon and you don't do something, you have to work
twice as hard to get back on because you're gonna
fall off the wagon, right You're gonna fall off the wagon.

(33:31):
So just know you're not perfect. And part of falling
off the wagon is part of the process. Because your
dreams aren't gonna come in ascension all the time. They're
gonna come valleys. There's gonna be times where where you're
gonna be like, nothing is going the way that I
wanted to go. But you have to be disciplined enough
to get back on it. Love that I feel like ship,
let's go to break. You know, we have a couple

(33:53):
more um what it takes to build discipline points um.
That was growth mindset that spiraled us into that beautiful
are there? No, don't don't apologize, this is, this is,
this is you're you're rocking it out today. UM. Know
your strengths and weaknesses. Identify what you're good at and
what you struggle with. That's just across the board, I think,
with so many areas of anything we're trying to do

(34:13):
in life. UM, right to the occasion. Don't wait, do
it now. Don't do like me and be waiting y'all.
Do it now, and one second when it says no,
your strength and weaknesses. The reason why they point that
out is because you have to be disciplined at doing
what at, knowing your weaknesses and doing things to increase
your weaknesses and making them strengths. Most people like to
focus on the strengths because they come easier, but you

(34:36):
have to point out your weaknesses and work on being
disciplined at better and better at those things. No doubt, yes,
exactly being do it. Don't put it off for later,
do it, Get up and do it. Start small, Start
with things. One thing that you can do each day
to reach your goal. Set timing your schedule to do it. UM,

(34:59):
do it every day, and too it will becomes second nature.
Muscle memory must memory in discipline, so developing those habits,
remove temptations. The saying goes out of sight, out of mind,
So it might seem silly, but this phrase offers powerful advice.
By simply removing the biggest temptations from your environment, you
will greatly improve your self discipline. I will have to say, um,

(35:21):
when you remove yourself from the environments that caused you
to not be focused on your goal, you're doing yourself
a huge service, because it's hard for any person to
constantly be disciplined enough to say no, no, no to yourself.
It's literally canemed, you know, removing herself, removing cheese puffs
and what else do I like to munch on? It's

(35:41):
not just skittles, gummy bears at the night. At the end.
The problem is I try to have stuff for the
children when the podcast crew comes to town, try to
keep the pantry stocked. And then your girl, because Dave,
you know, and when Dave, you remember the story about
three bears. What was a little a chick name who
when they ate all the day? Her name was Dave.

(36:04):
Name was Dave. Dave came in and ate all the
food out. The inserts graphic of Dave with goldilocks wig
on him, and Dave has a friend name Matt, and
the two of them coming here just clean out the
pantry all the time. Words, well, at least it's them
and it's not me, because listening, baby girl, the discipline

(36:25):
that requires on the side. So I mean to shut
you out, man, but y'all, y'all will get to know.
You can have all of our temptations. When it comes
to the snacks, you can fight over them with the kids. UM,
believe in your will power. Don't set yourself out. Speak
positively to yourself. Don't do like me either in self sabotage. Um.

(36:47):
You have to be able to focus and get things done.
Your thoughts become your actions, folks. Words of affirmation every day.
I created this with Jackson Caro Wing Kaz in Dakota,
and it started with the hundreds of kids before that.
I'm mentored, I'm big, I'm strong, I'm fast, I'm elite.
The name of our company was called Prototype. I am
a prototype. So when you constantly say these things, you

(37:10):
believe them. They all became elite athletes because before they
start a workout, when they start to feel down and
say to yourself, I'm big, I'm strong, and fast, elite.
I'm a prototype. When you guys watch me work out
and sometimes Codeine you hear Codine said, come on, ls,
let's go. That's my word of affirmation. I'm saying, let's go,
ll let's go. I adapted that now too, And even
I'm hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. Yes,

(37:32):
that's another one too. Uh. Find a mentor, so a
mentor or. We mentioned account before, So sometimes the best
way to stick to the plan is to have someone
to be accountable to. Yes, finding someone you trust to
check on your progress and to be honest with you
about it when you ain't doing what you're supposed to do.
Accountability partners sitting right over here, and you are in

(37:53):
ways a mentor because you know a lot about a lot,
so you know I'll be looking up to you too.
You do. He's so sweet, And forgive yourself and keep
moving forward. Discipline is a choice again that you get
to make over and over again, no matter where you are.
Every day is a new chance to choose discipline. I'm

(38:15):
so glad that this is the last one because it's
a choice. Right. There's nothing greater about life than the
ability to choose and if you fall off the wagon
or you have a blip or a misstep, you know
what you can do, Choose to be better the next time.
This is something I'm trying my hardest to instilling my

(38:35):
oldest son, Jackson, Our oldest son, Jackson, because he's the
first of the boys, so all his brothers are watching him.
It's like, yo, Okay, you had a bad day. You know, Okay,
things didn't go right, but you know what you can
do today. Choose to be better. Choose like you have
to decide, like you you have to decide. It's like marriage.
That's a big discipline, right, I'm choosing every day. That's

(38:56):
probably my best discipline in the one I'm most disciplined with,
and the one I want to be the most disciplined with.
Its choosing you every day. That surpires discipline. Marriage is
a discipline, just like we make this comparison time. Marriage
is like veganism, Like there's so many different ways and
walks of life. I chose this one. Let me work
my heartest to be disciplined in this one, you know.

(39:16):
And I think that's another reason why our marriage has
been able to work, is because I'm extremely disciplined and
you are extremely disciplined in the things that you want
to do, and since we both want to be married,
we exercise those disciplines daily. Daily helps become better people.
Love that. Love that, And what's been coming in daily

(39:39):
the listener letters, emails be coming in like every day,
and we love it, and we love it so much
that we're gonna take a break and come back and
jump into those list the letters with y'all around. All right,

(40:00):
we're back, let's dive right in. I'm a twenty eight
year old male from the Midwest currently going through marital stress.
My wife and I are on the brink of divorce
because I refused to pay her mom for helping her
with our children. While my wife is present and at
home with our children. We both work. I make more
money than my wife and take on more responsibility in

(40:20):
our home financially, where I pay rent, bought my wife
a car, pay for groceries and children's expenses, while my
wife takes care of the utilities and her car. Note.
My wife's mother, who was married and recently started working,
made a decision to help us out with our children
and didn't take a promotion to do so and work
part time in exchange for her services. She asked to

(40:42):
be paid one thousand dollars a month to watch our children.
I explained to my wife that this isn't a favor
or help, and that our future is being put on
whold to take care of her mother. Essentially. My wife disagrees.
I have been short on payments because I had a
severe in injury that required surgery and was off for

(41:03):
three months, not receiving my full salary, during which we moved,
and I paid rent towards our current and former homes
as well as paid movers. I've recently gotten back to work,
and my wife, having our second child, acts that her
mother be given something in exchange for coming by and
helping her. When she presented me with the number that
they agreed to, I told her I was unable to

(41:25):
pay this, and I and was told that she wanted
a divorce because her mother wasn't compensated. I love my
wife and I don't want our marriage to end over
something miniscule, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Get a divorce and
get a new wife. What like, Like, what the fuck?

(41:48):
What are you kidding me so she can marry her mom. Yeah,
married your mom married mom. This might be the most
I ever heard of my life. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
but did not for nothing know this. This comes back
to this entitlement that a lot of people are talking years.
So they y, you gotta gotta pay while paying the

(42:13):
mortgage and the rent and bore her car because she
pays utilities. And the agreement was for her to not
take this promotion so she could quote unquote help. What
happened you exactly what happened? This is, this is exactly
what happens. The mom and the daughter got together. Oftentimes,

(42:33):
like moms and daughters. Do you've known this. We've seen
this on both sides of our family. Moms and the
daughter got together and create a plan. This is what
we're gonna do. We're gonna tell him that this is
what we're doing. Right. I need help at home, and
you don't want to work full time. You want to
work part time. So if he pays you, it will
help supplement your income and you can help me. Meanwhile,
they made all of these decisions without even asking or

(42:55):
thinking about him. Where to do that at In the Midwest,
they do that in divorce court, which is where you
need to go, bro, because them chicks is not trying
to be of service to you, not at all. Wow,
It's just it's just a blake in disregard. I feel like,
I know that's it hurt my my soul. Bro, this
man breaking his bag and then she's gonna ask for

(43:17):
a divorce because he won't pay her mom. Right, It
almost i almost feel like she's trying to stiff farm.
I'm like, yeah, you pay this money or else that
her husband. It sounds like she's trying to walk right
over him. No, Son, you're a leg injury. You're only
getting paid a certain amount of your salary. Like we
talked about this all the time. We talk about this

(43:37):
all the time. It's hard to create context because we
don't have all the information. So I'm not going to
judge them when I'm judging like a motherfucker. That's wrong. Son.
If Jackson was married and told me this would happen,
I'd be like, all right, well let her get a divorce,
because it's gonna happen. When they get a divorce, they
both worked. She will not get spouse for support. Her

(43:57):
mom's gonna have to figure out what they're gonna do.
Because whatever money I was gonna pay you, now I'm
gonna hire help for childcare. Because the fact that you
came to me with ultimatum, pay my mom when we
get a divorce is all wrong. That's not that. That's
not a partnership. That's not a partnership at all. That
person she's going to not take the promotion to help
with the kids. That's not helping with the kids. You
wanted to hire higher help, not help. Listen, and I

(44:23):
say this because my mother in law helps us. She
don't ask for a dime. She don't ask for a dime,
and we don't ask her to pay a don She
lives with us. She's been living with us for what
three years now, just about almost. And you know what
happens when you have family and y'all really love each other,
y'all work ship out. No one's come with no ultimatums.

(44:43):
We haven't. We didn't go to mom and be like, hey,
we require you to work these many hours. Do this.
She didn't come to us and say, listen, I'm gonna
help you'all, y'all gotta pay me. That's wrong. You know,
that's not a village, that's an employee and if it
since if you're have an employee and hire someone, if
that's going to be the case, that's gonna be the case.
That's gotta be tight. Bro. Yeah, I feel bad, and
you know what, I feel bad for two it's great.
I feel bad for the kids because they probably love

(45:04):
their grandparents a wow. And I will say this too,
I do kind of feel bad for the wife. I
feel like her mom is manipulating her, you know, like
I feel like this is not something when you see
things like this. This is not something the daughter says, hey, mamma,
get this, and no, I feel like this is something
the mom is probably yo, you should do this. I
don't know why. It's something in me is just saying that.

(45:25):
It's just feeling like that or the mom should be.
If it's not that way, the mom should be. I
guess you should know enough to be like, hey, girl,
like I'm not trying to come between you and your husband,
like you know, y'all figure this out an any hell,
thank's got me trigger. The guys are are heavy in
the listening letters today because we have our next Lets
to let her another male go ahead, Hello Divina Cadeen.

(45:48):
I'm a twenty two year old male. Your baby, what's up?
Bro Um? I love the podcast. Thank you so much.
You guys are so insightful and inspiring to my life.
My girlfriend and not have been in a relationship for
one year and five months now. In congratulations. We first
got together in January. That was right before the pandemic.
That's what it says. From the first time we hung out,
it was a mutual vibe that was undeniable. So fast

(46:09):
forward a couple of months later, we ended up moving
in together, and that's where problems start. Typically, that's where
they start. I've been working for the US Postal Service
as a mayor carrier for two years now, and my
girlfriend is a licensed cosmetologist at twenty one years old.
Needless to say, we are both very into our careers.
But as a man, I was always taught that women
are supposed to do certain things cleaning, cooking, et cetera.

(46:29):
But through listening to the podcast, I've been taking initiative
and started going against my teachings, which means coming home
after my twelve hour shift of walking and delivering packages,
I come home with my biggest smile, shower, cook, clean, kitchen,
et cetera. After about a month now, I have stopped
doing those things and she won't do them either, even
if the little free time she does have, she chooses

(46:51):
to ignore those things. Then when I go to ask
her about it, she gets defensive and starts an argument.
My question is what is the appropriate approach to this
type of sysie wation without it costing our relationship. I
really do love her, but I want to find ways
to communicate my needs without belittling her and hers. First
thing I will say, sir, is that you guys have

(47:12):
only been together for a year. In five months, this
process you're going through now is absolutely normal, and you
just moved in together. So you're saying, right now, what's
the appropriate approach? The appropriate approach is to continue to
have conversations, but also realizing that when someone shows you
who they are, believe them. You're never going to be

(47:32):
able to conform someone into becoming a team player. Right.
You said, based on your prior teachings, you expected that
she should be cooking, cleaning, et cetera. That was a
very male, chauvinistic view of the world. But you're also
admitting that you had to change and you did change.
At some point, she's gonna have to meet you at
the same point in life and say, hey, if he's

(47:54):
gonna put in work, I need to put in work
as well. And she's going to have to choose to
do that. You can't talk her into doing it. So
once you express the things you want and the things
you need, it is then up to her to decide
to choose to be that for you. And if she doesn't,
it is your fault if you stay there and demand

(48:17):
her to do it, because now you're asking her to
do something she doesn't want to do, and either one
of you are going to be happy. There was that,
and I was gonna say too, It's like maybe a
good way to approach the situation because he said he
doesn't want to belittle her. He wants to be able
to communicate it. Say they, Okay, I know we're both
working crazy hours. Right I come home at this time,
you come home at that time. What days do you
want to do dinner? Because if the days you do dinner,

(48:39):
I'll clean up, or vice versa. You know, maybe that
might be a way to develop some sort of strategy
because living together for the first time, you just don't
know how people function that that in itself is a shock.
So learning the routines, um devising plans, trying to find
the fun in doing it together may entice her to
do that, because I would hope that she's a twenty

(49:01):
one year old who can at least keep a home.
You hope, you hope what I would. I wouldn't bank
on it, but we would hope that she would be
able to help to contribute to that for the comfort
of both of you. This is this is my thing, right,
and I'm just gonna speak to the men at this point. Right,

(49:22):
it is not your responsibility to constantly jump through hoops
to find a way to communicate your knees and wants
to the women that you're dating. Right, It's both of
your responsibility. So if you come into this saying what
can I do, and if you're the only one constantly
doing work, you're gonna find yourself play kating to that woman,
and then you're gonna find yourself exhausted because if you

(49:42):
continue to play kate, she's gonna know that she can
get things her way if she if she just keep
telling you do it this way. Try. Kennin and I
went through this. We went through this in a lot
of aspects of our life where con I would say
we can what do you want me to do? And
she would be like, we'll try this, and I would
try that and it's still didn't get no change. She said,
we'll try it this, and it's still don't get no change.
But finally got changed with me saying Babe, this is

(50:03):
what I really need or want. You can need to
do it or you can't, but don't try to manipulate
me to doing it the way you want it so
that you can still do what you want to do.
You see what I'm saying. You're not do what I said,
but instead cutting to the chase and say this is
what I need, This is what we should do. Yes,
Because we live in a world where there are a
lot of social conditioning that doesn't help either party. For example,

(50:27):
his mindset of thinking that women are supposed to cook
and clean into our stuff is just sucking wrong. Like
we've talked about this for years, like there are no
there are no more gender roles in like both men
and women work. Whoever is best app to get whatever
done in that moment should get it done, Like we've
already talked about that right, But also we have to
stop this conditioning that a man is supposed to bend

(50:49):
his will for the things he wanted need to make
his wife happy. The whole happy wife, happy life thing
is not real. It's supposed to be a partnership. She
should be happy, he should be happy. He can't always
tiptoe about how he wanted things to make her feel better.
That's all that's gonna do is continue to push the
social conditioning that is happy wife, happy life as completely
get that. I guess I was considering their age, and

(51:10):
they're young, and they're new and things are still fresh,
and they're looking for ways to approach conversation, and if
one tends to get more defensive than the other, sometimes
I'm just thinking that that might be a lighter way
to approach the topic to then dive deeper. No, I
I agree with you. But but my thing is is
that we've often talked about how for for men and women,

(51:32):
especially in this day and age, men and women who
don't come from traditional households haven't seen couples successfully communicate.
And a lot of times from men, we're told, you know,
don't say that, or don't say it that way, and
then it's kind of like, well, realistically, what you're saying

(51:53):
to me is that what I feel and what I
need doesn't matter. But let me find a way to
make you feel better about the things you're not giving me.
You understand what I'm saying. I get that the approach
sometimes is needs to be massage depending on the situation,
and that's fair. But we are also proponents of being
brutally honest. And that's my point. It's my point is

(52:13):
is that is the approach only supposed to be taking
when it's a husband talking to a wife or a
man talking to her. No, no no, no, I don't know,
and you know, and and I'm just saying, because he's
a young man speaking about a woman, I think the
approach is important, but it's also more important that you
get your point across. Don't lose your point so focused
on the approach that you're really placating her, and then

(52:36):
you can't get upset at her if you never got
your point across because you were so focused on not
hurting her feelings. That tends to happen with a lot
of young men. And this is you know, I got
my young men's group that I talked to with no, absolutely,
don't you speaking for that perspective being a young man.
But I'm thinking in the reverse, if we were a
young woman speaking to a young man, like how you
say approaching it, because it's like we're trying to tiptoe
around this happy wife, happy life. But if it's a man,

(52:58):
um if it's a woman to speaking to a man,
sometimes we tiptoe because it's like, okay, male ego, like
we don't want to bruise that, so we're trying to
find a way to approach the conversation without it. I
do hear what you're saying. But if you listen to
how I speak to the female the women who write
in for listening to letters, I tell them the same
same thing. I tell them, you got to talk to
and be honest, tell them what you need. I'm not

(53:20):
gonna tell him to be careful with your approach and
then tell women, no, tell them what you need, because
then that goes to the whole happy wife, happy life things.
For me, it's especially early on be who you want
to be for the rest of your life when you
meet someone, because if you plan on tiptoe one for
the rest of your life, then that's fine. You're prepared
to tiptoe, but if you plan on being direct, think

(53:42):
about how many people say to me. I can't believe
how Devot talks to Cade and how many men I
can't believe how she talks to Devout. I know you
can't believe it because you see two people who have
found a way to communicate open, honestly and in real time.
And it helps us because I never have to sift
through the fog to find out what could be the same.
You came to me the other day. We were in

(54:03):
the theater. I was on the phone with Donorra having
a business conversation. Kadin came in trying to fix something
for the laptop, and she just started talking to the
person in the laptop while I was on the phone.
So in jest, I was talking to Donorra and I
was just like, yo, you know, Codeine is doing something,
so whatever she's doing is more important and I'm doing
so let me go, let me leave. And right afterwards

(54:25):
Codeine was standing there with just like, I don't appreciate
you saying that to Donorra, making it seem as if
I don't care about your thoughts. We didn't have a
case a conversation about how you approached me, it was
more like, well, why do you feel that way? You
see what I'm saying, because to me it wasn't hey baby,
Just just so you know, I didn't like how you
know you came to me. You said, um, I don't

(54:45):
appreciate you saying that I didn't care. Now, somebody else
probably would be like, wow, look how she checked it out.
Think about checking say how you feel, honestly, openly and
in real time, so we can fix the problem. That's it.
And if y'all want to have longevity and relationships, it
got to be like that both ways. Men and women. Women,

(55:06):
you got a problem with your man, tell them, don't
worry about his ego, because if you're constantly worried about
his ego, you're not going to get the things that
you need. Man, tell her, if you're constantly worried about
her being defensive in her attitude, you're not going to
get what you need because you're going to constantly be
play kating. So I'm going to be whatever good for
the goose is good for the gain, whether it's a
male or female writing in So love that, love it

(55:28):
all right, y'all keep writing in and if you want
to best featured as a listener letter, you can email
us at data as Advice at gmail dot com. That's right,
that's d E A D A S S A d
V I C E at gmail dot com. All right,
when it comes to discipline, you want to wrap the

(55:49):
show up at the moment of truth time. This is
my moment of truth, I said earlier. Discipline, not desire,
determines your destination. But there are ways for you to
work on being more disciplined person. Period, Get an accountability partner,
Practice doing things that you don't want to do, and
practice doing them over a long period of time so

(56:09):
that when the moment arise in your life, when you're
trying to take that next level and adversity hits, you
have the discipline in place to continue to move forward
so that you can get what you want and what
you need out of life instead of accepting whatever comes
because that's the easiest thing for you to do when
that life happened to you, folks, um And then for me,
I think, my, my, my, My moment of truth is um.

(56:31):
No one knows you more than you, and sometimes I
feel like we need to get out of our own
way because you pretend is if you have the discipline,
and you pretend as if, oh the motivation, the motivation
is here. It's not there. That's not motivating that you
know yourself best, stop all the bullshit. You know what's

(56:51):
going to be required to get you what you need
to get to, what's going to be required for that discipline.
The sooner you realize that, and the sooner you're implement
things and put things into place to allow you to
be disciplined, the faster you'll achieve the things that you want.
I need to listen to my own moment because just
the ship that just be happening and the stuff that

(57:12):
I'd be saying to y'all, and then it clicks when
I'm sitting here, and then I just have to implement
it in life. Okay, so we know we're in the
same boat sintimes. Okay, we're in the same boat. And
when one thing you've learned about that it's never too
late to get started, never too late to get started.
Do it now? Do it now? All right? I love that.
All Right, y'all, be sure to follow us on social
media if you're not already dead. As the podcast, I'm Cadine,

(57:33):
I am and I am devout, And if you're listening
on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate you and subscribe.
Scribe and it's not too late to tell a friend, y'all,
you know, tell your friends, and tell your mama. Whoever,
we love to listen. Dead as dead Ass is a
production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced
by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social

(57:56):
media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a
Thing is wi I