Listener Letters!

It's the drama for me!! In this episode, Khadeen and Devale get all up in your business with a whole episode of listener letters. Dead Ass. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
We got listening letters, y'all, love it, love it love
you know, every season we have to dedicate just one
episode to getting all of me always baby.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
So this is that for us today. Excited to just
dive in? Should we just start right now? Babe?

Speaker 3 (00:14):
Which you think?

Speaker 4 (00:15):
Well, we can start by saying dead ass? D We'll stop.

Speaker 3 (00:20):
Oh that was a sound bite. Whoops, I just got
so excited I forgot about the sound bite. Do you
want to rewind that.

Speaker 4 (00:29):
Dead ass? Y'all?

Speaker 3 (00:33):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 4 (00:37):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 3 (00:39):
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
I make you need therapy most days.

Speaker 4 (00:47):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 4 (00:50):
Yes, sir, we are.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 3 (00:56):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 4 (00:58):
The lens of a millennial Marria couple.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth.

Speaker 4 (01:10):
Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:18):
It's yeah, we can dive right in now if you
want to stay on script, because typically I'm the one
that's off script.

Speaker 4 (01:23):
But you gotta and wheel me back in.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
But I'm a real you back so I knows she
get She's so excited she wanted to ask questions.

Speaker 4 (01:31):
No introduction, y'all. Ain't hear the theme song and nothing?

Speaker 2 (01:33):
No, I don't think do we don't really do a
theme song, or we don't do storytime and all that journey.

Speaker 4 (01:37):
Not storytime, But they typically hear the sound bite then
the theme song.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
Oh for the show? You mean you forgot all about Yeah?
I forgot all about this. Man, I can't contain myself.

Speaker 4 (01:46):
Season thirteen ship, you know?

Speaker 3 (01:47):
All right? Let me give it the program focus conte
even focus, Okay, all right. Number one. I'm currently going
through a miscarriage and my body has not been taking
care of fit on its own. I am so sorry.
Hear that. Been there. I understand how you feel.

Speaker 2 (02:03):
The other night, I was having cramps, so I asked
my husband to cook dinner because I felt like I
couldn't move. He did, but with an attitude, or what
appeared to be an attitude to me because he was
quiet and not attempting to converse with me. He's been
asking me to get earthquake insurance on our home for
the past three weeks, which I haven't gotten around to.

(02:24):
This miscarriage has been going on for three weeks. Oh goodness, hospital, Yeah,
at this point, that's three weeks.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
Is a long time baby.

Speaker 2 (02:32):
In the midst of eating dinner, quietly, he says, we
still don't have earthquake insurance. I stayed quiet because I
was annoyed that he brought it up, knowing that I
was in pain at the moment. He also wanted to
deep clean the house all week, which again neither of
us got around to. After the earthquake insurance comment, he says,
when are we gonna clean? I then said I'm in

(02:53):
pain right now and cannot physically move. He goes to
our bedroom and lays down in bed. It gets closer
to the kids' bedtime, and I felt the urge to
use the restroom on the toilet. I started bleeding a lot,
and I asked my toddler to get his dad. He
doesn't come after what felt like ten minutes, but maybe
it was five, so I get up still bleeding, and
see him laughing at videos on ig.

Speaker 3 (03:14):
I got pissed.

Speaker 2 (03:16):
I said, do I need to put the kids to bed,
hoping that he would offer to put them to bed,
but instead he then says, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 (03:24):
Then I see red.

Speaker 2 (03:25):
I don't remember the sequence of events, I said, but
I remember saying, you're really not going to help me
right now. You're being an asshole. You lack we know
about the asshole when it's a trigger word over here, y'all.
You lack empathy. You're the worst partner. He said, go
find someone else then, which got me even more pissed.
I said other things I don't remember. I even said,
you want me to clean? Okay, sure, let's get all

(03:47):
this blow off the fucking floor, man, I went in.
I'm missing a ton of other comments, but that's the
general gist of how the argument went.

Speaker 3 (03:55):
I was heated.

Speaker 2 (03:56):
I ended up putting the kids down to bed, all
three by myself that and went to the bed pissed.
Neither of us talked to each other the next day.
He asked if I'm going to apologize. I apologized for
being emotional, but he says, I need to apologize for
only thinking about my emotions and not his. He said
that he felt like he was taking care of everything
in the house and the kids for the past month

(04:17):
and he needed a break. We squashed it, But my
question is how do you navigate emotions when both emotions
are high. He didn't take the miscarriage news too lightly,
but also tends to hide his emotions. He spoke briefly
about it and how it fucked him up. But I'm
going through both the physical and the mental part of it.

(04:37):
Is it my responsibility to stop and think about what
he's going through? Mid cramps and bleeding. Likely if I
hadn't told him off, he would have helped me and
checked on me. But I feel like I needed him
in that moment. How do I prioritize feelings in situations
like this?

Speaker 3 (04:52):
Side note?

Speaker 2 (04:52):
The doctor prescribed me medication to clear everything out, which
I'll be taking this weekend, so I'm taking care of
my health. But I really was hoping my body would
clear out on its own. Yeah. Thanks again for all
you do. I'm still sending friends your podcast because I
do think you're helping so many people out there by
sharing your experiences. Thank you so much for that sis.
First off, I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage.

(05:15):
Every baby, every miscarriage is it affects people, regardless if
you have children already or not. Every pregnancy, every child
is a blessing. So I understand the hurt and having
to juggle the physical and mental in that space.

Speaker 3 (05:30):
But it's funny.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
As I'm reading this, I was wondering if that was
his way of dealing with the hurt that he might
have been feeling while she was going through the miscarriage.
Maybe not dealing with it, avoiding it by talking about
the earthquake, insurance and decleaning the house was his way
of avoiding the hurt that he might have been feeling.

Speaker 4 (05:49):
The first thing I do that.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
The first thing I felt was they probably haven't even
discussed the loss. They just tried to keep moving forward,
and in them both trying to just keep moving forward,
neither one of them to the other one into account. Yeah,
how much pain and hurt, both emotionally and physically. Yeah,
they were both going through. And I think ultimately that's
the bigger thing here. I think everything else that happened

(06:10):
was a byproduct of that.

Speaker 3 (06:12):
That particularly, they would.

Speaker 1 (06:13):
Have spoke and talked about how they felt with the miscarriage,
I would even have gotten to.

Speaker 2 (06:18):
That point, yeah, because I remember when we had our
miscarriage back in California. You actually weren't even physically there
when it was all happening. You had to leave to film,
and I know how much it hurt you well a
not being able to be there for me physically in
that moment because you had to work, but also to
empathizing with the fact that I did have the other

(06:39):
three children at home, and after facetiming you and you
can see which was pretty much like the massacre in
the bathroom that took place, and then knowing that like
the kids were knocking on the door right outside of it,
and I being emotional in that moment and in pain,
then just had to kind of pick up the pieces
and present to be mother's his mom is good, everything

(07:01):
is like normal, you know, and continue on with my day.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
I just I just want to point out that in
that moment when you describe having to pick up the
pieces and continue on, that's something men have to do
all the time, and I think that people don't realize
that since we do it all the time, sometimes it
eats it us and we often don't get And then
when I say we, I'm not talking about every man,
because every man doesn't have the capability to do that.

(07:24):
But I'm talking about a man who is there for
their family. Even when you had your miscarriage, I remember
there being months when people knew that you were no
longer pregnant. No one asked me how I felt about
losing a child. There was a housecadeen Everyone rushed to you,
and I was left to just trying to figure it
out on my own. And that's not excusing his behavior
when you're.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
Siking it out together, you and I, but just you
mean like the general public of like family and friends
who knew type of thing.

Speaker 4 (07:49):
Yeah? No, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
What I'm saying is is in situations like these, oftentimes
everyone runs to the woman's game. When a woman is pregnant, it's,
oh my god, make sure she's good. When a woman
has a baby, they don't realize. And the other day
at the live show, when we asked her, you know,
how are you guys doing with sleep deprivation, she said,
he's tired too, because he gets up with me.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
But I remember going through that, no one ever saying.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
To me, hey, Diva, do you need a rest because
when you woke up, I woke up and I would help,
but it was always Kadeen gets rest, a vou do this?
And it's like, how often do men get to say,
you know what, I'm a little bit tired or I'm
a little bit emotional And when we don't get that,
sometimes we break.

Speaker 4 (08:29):
And it seems like he was having a break.

Speaker 3 (08:31):
Yeah, he probably was.

Speaker 4 (08:32):
Dealing with that, and he was using.

Speaker 1 (08:34):
The earth break insurance and cleaning as a way to
get attention to talk about something, and he wasn't getting
the response he expected, which was immature, Like you can't
just use that, just open up and say it. But
I think they both were being immature and the fact
that neither one of them were considering the other party.
And as a man, I will say this when it
comes to things like miscarriages and pregnancies, I always say

(08:56):
and this just works for me. I'm not saying every
man has to be that, but I say I will
take that on the chin because I physically don't have
to go through that, right I don't. I don't have
to physically go through that. So when it comes time
to say who should we check on first, it should
be your woman, right, like they're the one who physically
have to walk around and deal with all the repercussions, so.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Right, but also too like men in that situation too
shouldn't be disregarded either, especially when us as women are
always craving and asking for men to communicate and tell
us how you feel and all that we can't then
shame you for the way you may be reacting because
your emotions are also on a high. So typically when
emotions are high, that what happens or lash out, and

(09:36):
it was probably a compilation of things that was happening
over the course of those three weeks. You know, there's
the joy of finding out about the baby, that's an
ultimate high, and then there's the lull of like, Okay,
this doesn't seem like a normal pregnancy, and it's like, okay,
how do I now deflect or just try not to
deal with this in the moment, because he might have
been thinking, you know what, I'm going to talk about
everything else because I don't want her to.

Speaker 3 (09:57):
Have to, you know, deal with Yeah, the emotion too.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
Maybe if I just deflect from it and act like
it's not happening, then you know, things will be okay.
So yeah, when the emotions are high deval and I
usually try to kind of we do a good job.
I think in general, when emotions are high. Because that
was her overarching question, one person is usually the one
to be like, listen, yeah, let's let's bring it back.

Speaker 4 (10:19):
Let's bring it back. Let's let's bring it back.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
Let's bring it And it starts with the tone, you know,
because I know sometimes you tell me I get a
little you know, elevated in my tone or the way
I speak is more forceful, and it may not even
be one purpose.

Speaker 1 (10:33):
Can I ask a question too, as as a woman,
because if I have an attitude?

Speaker 4 (10:39):
For example, she said.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
He got quiet, so he had an attitude. She didn't
like the fact that he had an attitude. Right, I
want to just put this out there. Understand the fact
that when we get tired sometimes, yes, we may have
an attitude. And y'all can recognize when we have an attitude. Right,
you always say I can recognize we have an attitude. Yes,
I asked, how come when we try to point out
to y'all that y'all have an attitude, the response is,

(11:01):
I don't have an attitude, So it's like you think
you're the only one that can tell when I have
an attitude.

Speaker 4 (11:05):
I can tell when you have an attitude, right.

Speaker 1 (11:07):
And then the response after that is sometimes you know
you're having your period and like I'm going through something,
deviout and it's like, okay, so you're allowed to be emotional,
give me an attitude, and I'm supposed to deal with it,
a lot of times for men, it's like when is
it my moment? Because y'all get at least four or
five days a month where you get to say whatever
you want to say to us, do whatever you want
to do to us, and we have to accept it

(11:28):
because you're going through something.

Speaker 4 (11:29):
When is it our return?

Speaker 3 (11:31):
I mean, I don't think there's an excuse.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
I mean, I don't try to rely on my ministry
cycle as like a green light to disrespect to you.

Speaker 3 (11:38):
I don't think that that's fair.

Speaker 1 (11:39):
I'm not talking about you in particular, you're saying in general.
When you think about some of these arguments, like even
when she said, you know I'm going through something, I
might have said some things, but I'm emotional, it's almost
as if I was emotional in a moment, it's okay because.

Speaker 4 (11:52):
I'm a woman.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
No, I think it will acknowledge at what.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
Point does a man have that because she said he
didn't speak to me and said he was disrespectful, right,
so maybe he's going through something emotional.

Speaker 4 (12:02):
Right when do we get the grace?

Speaker 3 (12:04):
I hear you that you require you, right, No, I
hear you.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
I think that this is something that we've learned over
the years because I was never always like that. You
would tell me I have an attitude, and I'm thinking
I'm doing a good job of containing my attitude and
trying to say, you know what, I know that, like,
you're not the kind of man that I could talk
to any kind of way, because that will be quick
to be like, who the fuck are you talking to?

Speaker 4 (12:23):
And you the same way. You know, I'm not going
to take that.

Speaker 3 (12:26):
He's not going to take that.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
And I wasn't like that always, but I've become that
person now too, like you're not going to talk me
to talk to me any kind of way either. So
I think knowing that at the root of whatever disagreement
is there still has to be a mutual respect. Yes,
that's really how we lead when it comes to those
high emotion situations. We're not in this moment going to
be disrespectful. We're going to literally try to like, if

(12:50):
you genuinely want to know what's wrong with your partner,
maybe lead was a little bit more love and say babe,
I understand. So, for example, with her, when she realized
he got quiet, like, Babe, you know this is really
physically difficult on me right now. I know this may
be emotionally difficult for you. And if you're really I
don't know if you got quiet when I asked about dinner,
how about we just not do dinner. You don't cook,

(13:10):
let's order out. Let's do something that will take a
little bit off of your plate in my plate too,
so we can both be there for each other.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
In this moment.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
I feel you know what I'm saying, Like that might
have been a way to pivot in that situation, to
ask to avoid the escalation of emotion.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
My ultimate point is as humans, we can never use
our emotions as a reason to disrespect somebody, especially if
somebody we love. And a lot of times when we
hear these things, it's like, as a man, you're supposed
to understand that she's a woman and she's emotional, or
she's going through something physically with her body, which allows
her to be emotional, which allows her to disrespect.

Speaker 4 (13:47):
That's not acceptable, you know what I'm saying. And I
think we.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
All as people have to realize that because even if
you're emotional as a man because you lost a child, right,
that doesn't give you the right to be emotionally abusive
to your wife, right.

Speaker 4 (14:00):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
And I think as people we all have to realize
we're all going to constantly go through stuff, right, Asking
your partner to always subdue their feelings or their thoughts
when being disrespected is unfair.

Speaker 4 (14:12):
There should never be a point in any.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
Relationship where you should be okay disrespecting your partner. I
don't care what you're going through, and that's from both sides.
And that's my point is that we have to get
past that because if we don't get past it, we're
going to always end.

Speaker 4 (14:24):
Up in this site there's no resolve.

Speaker 2 (14:27):
Is exhausting, you know, yeah, it really is exhausting. So
I hope you guys have found a way. I'm happy
that you were able to get to the doctor for
medication all that. That will definitely help, because I also
know what it feels like when your emotions your hormones
spike because you're like pregnant, and it's like overdriving your body,
and then it's a crash because you're not. Like it's
literally a big emotional and hormonal issue when you go

(14:49):
from being pregnant so drastically to not being pregnant drastically.
So all the best to you and your family. I
hope that you and your husband can find better ways
to respectfully communicate how you feel and what you need,
especially in moments of crisis like this. Oh so that
was a pretty loaded, heavy listening letter, So let's take
a quick break and we're going to get into more
listening letters after we pay some bills, so stick around.

Speaker 4 (15:15):
So we're back.

Speaker 1 (15:16):
Number two, my favorite number in the world because I'm
born April second.

Speaker 4 (15:20):
Dear de Valan Kadeen.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
I love the show and the level headed insight you
both bring to everything that could should and would your
inspiring marriage.

Speaker 4 (15:27):
Thanks for being inspiration. We appreciate you.

Speaker 1 (15:30):
My husband and I have been married for seven wonderful
years and have two beautiful kids.

Speaker 4 (15:33):
Congrats. I was blessed to be SAHM for years.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
Stay at home mom.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
Oh, stay at home mom for years. Hey, that's good.
You pick that up quick man. You like these young
kids with these acronyms.

Speaker 2 (15:47):
Being a mom too, I'm like, I'm familiar with it
and seeing like mom pages and.

Speaker 1 (15:50):
Stuff that I follow. Yeah cool, I had no I'm
like an says, I'm like what s and M, what
is happening here? I was blessed to be at SAHM
for years to the provision of my husband. But the
older the kids get, the fatter the account needs to be,
and I want to contribute to their futures in our
current lives. Not to mention, mama got a taste of

(16:11):
a steady check for the seasonal for the seasonal timeframe,
and I'm ready to be on someone's payroll again. I
brought up the idea to my husband of working overnight
because growing up, my siblings and I were latch key kids,
and like Deval, I know it's important for me to
at least have one parent to be home to receive
the children. Plus there are only eight and five since
we live. Since we live a literal thousand miles from

(16:35):
our respective families, oh wow, we have no extra help
or family childcare and it doesn't help. But every time
I consider finding a sitter I run up on an
article about someone harming a child, so I debt it,
and I debt it all then and there. I'm also
overcoming anxiety, little by little. That's a lot, but I
get it. Being away from all your family thousand miles
will give you anxiety with two kids, yes, the fact

(16:55):
needless to say, I'm writing because my husband shot that
idea of overnight work down because he wants me home
and safe at night and is not budging on his
displeasure and disapproval.

Speaker 4 (17:05):
He would much rather me work a day job.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
I'm a dental assistant by trade, but I haven't done
it for years, nor do I want to do that again,
going back to a nine to five with me paying
a sitter and after school program and giving us, namely me,
very little daytime with them. How can I get him
to see the better points on what I view as
the most financially beneficial work solution without causing tension between us.

(17:28):
I appreciate any input and blessings.

Speaker 4 (17:29):
To you all.

Speaker 3 (17:31):
Why overnight work though? She said overnight work and she
wanted to be home with the kids, got you?

Speaker 2 (17:35):
But then where's she going to be when? I mean,
I can just think of you working overnight on me
working overnight in that.

Speaker 1 (17:39):
Empty bed, Like once again, her focus is on her
kids and her husband, and we always say this children first.
So you're trying to curate your whole entire life around
your kids for the kids, and not including yourself or
your husband, because working overnight is a challenge and I
would not want my wife working overnight neither. Now I'm
not saying that you have to listen to what your

(18:01):
husband's saying, but she also pointed out, how can I
get him to realize the better points?

Speaker 4 (18:05):
Miss?

Speaker 1 (18:06):
How come you not realizing the better points of you
not working at night? Why are you ignoring those better
points and only want him to consider your perspective?

Speaker 2 (18:13):
I think because she said she got a dose of
what it's like to have a paycheck again. Yeah, and
I hear from stay at home moms and having been
one for a while too, how guess fulfilling that is
in that moment, but also to your feeling like it's
a detriment to yourself. You know, you want to be
acclimated in a world where you can have adult conversation
and you can have your own paycheck, and you know,

(18:35):
so some things also too, or seasonal, Like we've said before,
like maybe the season is for you to be to
stay at home mom now because you don't have the
extra assistance from friends and family because you're so far
away from them. And your husband may also too, Like
sometimes you have to understand that whether it's the husband
or the wife, or the wife and the wife or
husband husband, however your makeup is one person typically knows

(18:57):
who if that's your person, knows what you can and
can't deal with. There's been ideas that I've come to
Deval with and vice versa that I'd say, you know, Babe,
I think I want to do this, and Deva would
be like, hey, do you really think that that's something.

Speaker 3 (19:09):
You want to do? Like where did you come up
with this?

Speaker 2 (19:12):
And I'm like, damn, I didn't really think that out
and think about all of the pros and the cons, right,
But you're just so excited in that moment about what's happening,
and you're just like I want to do this, like Babe,
let's make it happen, and you don't really think through
the pros and cons of that particular move and what
it would mean for you and your relationship and your
children and your family and your health. Like working overnight,

(19:33):
think about you want to be present for your kids
during the day.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
That just means you'll probably get up with them for school,
you know, get some stuff done during the day or
taken well, maybe taking that. But then you want to
be there from when they get ready for school. I'm
gonna get back from school. So now you're there when
they get back from school and you want to spend
time with them, but now you got to go to work.
How long you think you can finish that rat race
of being up all day before you lose your mind?

Speaker 3 (19:56):
Like right, and you have in facted in your husband
and time with him, So you.

Speaker 4 (20:01):
Just want your husband.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
Y're going to be like two ships passing in the night.
He's working in a day, you working at night, you
dealing with the kids during the day. You're going to
be exhausted. When are y'all going to have time to
work on each other? Because this relationship is what created
this lifestyle anyway, So if you don't continue to forster
and build this relationship, everything can fall apart.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
Yeah, seven wonderful years, two beautiful kids. It's like, yeah,
do you really like throw this wrench into the plan? To,
you know, it is the positive going to be worth
the potential negative.

Speaker 1 (20:30):
I will say this, though, you don't have to just
go back to work to get a steady paycheck.

Speaker 4 (20:36):
There's so many different.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
Ways that you can earn money nowadays, especially consistent paychecks.

Speaker 3 (20:42):
You know, ever since unless you just want to get out,
what do you think.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
Ever since the pandemic, we've learned that you don't have
to go into the office. There's so many jobs creative
for people to live at home. My input would be,
how about you try to do something during the day
while you're at home so that it makes some extra money,
so that you can still be a present parent, a
present wife, but make your own money. Cay and I

(21:09):
curated our life that way. Neither one of us wanted
to always be away from the kids or be away
from each other, so we found other ways to earn
income without being a detriment to our family. And I
think that's the biggest thing. And I don't think it
only falls on her. I think it can fall on
both of them.

Speaker 2 (21:22):
You know, well, I'm wondering too, what's the bigger desire?
Is the bigger desire to have the paycheck or to
be out of the house because she's just being a
stay at home mom if she's home all day and
that's like her kind of quote unquote work quarters.

Speaker 3 (21:35):
Is it that she.

Speaker 2 (21:36):
Wants to be out, change of scene or reconverse with adults,
like be somewhere other than home, or is it that
you just like to have extra cash, because in that instance,
what you said, babe would make sense. Try to figure
out something that you could do at your leisure at
home that can still give you the opportunity to be
with the children, be with hubby, be at their disposal
as they need. It won't exhaust you. Or is it
that you're just craving interaction outside of your home from just.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
That's that's a valid point because based on what she says,
her options can change, because if she wants a change environment,
then she will want to work at home.

Speaker 4 (22:07):
So that' see what you're saying.

Speaker 1 (22:08):
She has to really dissect and figure out what exactly
she's looking for so that she can kind of gain
access to that. And here's the biggest thing, man, y'all
have your whole lives to figure this out, Like, sit
down collectively as a family, you and him and say, Babe,
this is what I need, this is what you need,
this is what the kids need. How can we find

(22:29):
a way so that everybody gets what they need? Like, ultimately,
that's the plan, right, The plan is not to be
stuck doing something for your life that you don't want
to do so, And.

Speaker 2 (22:37):
The plan is not for one to be at home
suffering while the other is out, you know, thriving. Deval
and I have taken it back sometimes to just good
old fashioned pen and paper.

Speaker 4 (22:46):
Pros and cons and.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Writing them down so you can actually see it, discuss
it and see what makes the best sense, so that
no one feels like they're sacrificing too much, you know,
or giving too much, or one's benefiting more than the other,
you know, in the circumstance like this.

Speaker 4 (23:03):
No, I agree.

Speaker 1 (23:04):
I think they if they sat down and write down
the pros and cons, like we just said. You know,
she says she would work overnight. These are the pros,
here's the cons. Okay, if you work during the day,
here's the pros, here's the cons. But I also don't
think it's on her to figure it out by herself,
like the two of them can collectively, you know, you
can't just shut down somebody's idea. You know, if it

(23:27):
were you, I would say, Okay, I wouldn't want that,
but here's some options.

Speaker 3 (23:31):
Right, And that's what you've done.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
When I've come to you with like opportunities and things,
sometimes you'd be like, hey, like, let's really think about it.
You might be just in a hamster wheel of like, yeah, okay,
we're making the money, but then we're spending it on childcare.

Speaker 3 (23:41):
So does it really make sense?

Speaker 2 (23:42):
You know. It's those things that come into account, you
know for that. So good luck to theology figure things out.
And again we're always going to preach communicate, keep the
lines of communication open. Facts all right. Number three, heyja Valenkadeen.
I'll keep it short and simple. I've been listening to
the podcast from the start and have have been following
you guys since Cairo was born. I like to I

(24:03):
like to feel special, hoping that I'm one of the
rare types of fans.

Speaker 3 (24:07):
I'm Mongolian.

Speaker 2 (24:08):
I lived in Taiwan for twelve years, basically all my
adult life. I moved to Sydney six months ago. Okay,
pimping all over the world, I love it. Adjusting to
a new place is hard, especially this week, I was
having such a tough time because I felt like Australia
kept testing me. Anyways, I just listened to the episode
The Practice Kid and it made me laugh so much

(24:29):
and just brought some positivity and good energy to my week.
And I just wanted to thank you for the great
family that you are. There are so many times I
wish I had you guys as a friend to go
through life with. You have us as a friend at
least podcast, but I take the best I could. Your
book also helped me get a good perspective into relationships,

(24:49):
and listening to your stories makes me introspect and think
a lot about the things that really helped me go
through life. Hope your tour expands to Australia soon.

Speaker 3 (24:59):
Oh that was us I appreciation paragraph.

Speaker 4 (25:01):
That's what.

Speaker 2 (25:02):
Thank you so much for that. We appreciate the love.
This is awesome. Mongolian lived in Taiwan, Sydney.

Speaker 4 (25:08):
Well.

Speaker 2 (25:08):
I hope that things start to look up for you
in Australia if that's where you really want to be.
I can't wait to make it to Australia one day. Yeah,
I can't wait to get to that side of the
wall the world.

Speaker 3 (25:16):
But thank you.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
No, we really feel like the podcast gives us an
opportunity to talk to y'all like you are our friends,
and to listen to letter episodes or just having them
at the end of every episode is a way that
we feel even more connected to you all and the
things you have going on in your life. And again,
you know, Deval and I, we're just here to give
our two cents. You know, we give our advice and

(25:37):
take it or leave it. But we're just happy that
you guys are continuing to write in and love on us,
So thank you for that.

Speaker 4 (25:44):
We appreciate you. Mama number four, greetings Ellis. I am
Ayana Dyson. When she gave her home.

Speaker 1 (25:53):
Names, she wants to tell us, I am Mayana Dyson.
Recently attended your DC show with my wife, Oh Dou.
I didn't get a chance to ask a quest, but
I wanted to ask, how do you navigate intimacy with
having a parent living with you?

Speaker 4 (26:04):
About three months ago, my.

Speaker 1 (26:05):
Mother temporarily moved in, temporarily moved in with myself and
my wife, and I feel like her presence is a
disruption to our intimate time.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
I understand.

Speaker 1 (26:13):
I have the mindset like hey, she grown and in
our house. I do not care whether she may or
may not hear. However, my wife is feeling more uncomfortable
about it. How do y'all navigate that since you have
experience with a living parent in law? Also, I love
how you all give advice when all types of relationships
in DC. When the young man inquired about himself and
his boyfriend, so many on these members began to speak

(26:34):
extremely disrespectful and homophobic slurs at him.

Speaker 4 (26:37):
I don't know that was.

Speaker 1 (26:38):
Sorry, and additionally making derogatory comments about same sex couples.
I know there was an announcement about it being a
non judgmental space when the interational couple, when the interracial
couple was on stage during dead A's court. However, I
would kindly suggest a further comment and announcement in regard
to all couples being welcomed. That way people will know

(26:58):
y'all are welcoming and that we all have a space,
a plus safe space as dead as listeners, fans and
family members.

Speaker 3 (27:04):
That is so true.

Speaker 2 (27:05):
Absolutely, I'm sorry that happened in DC, those murmurs and stuff.
Of course we couldn't hear them from the stage, but
so that we're clear, okay that as Podcasts is a place,
a place that is inclusive of all types of people. Yes,
all kinds of people, all kinds of relationships, all kinds
of love. If we're going to continue to spread love
and it's love against the world and love within our

(27:26):
world as Dead Ass Podcasts, Yes, everyone, and I repeat,
everyone has a place here with us.

Speaker 4 (27:32):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (27:33):
Now to your.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
Question, sis, so we know all about that, thankfully within
our space here in our home. There's a good amount
of space between Develo in our bedroom and my parents.

Speaker 4 (27:50):
But but it wasn't in La. It was a problem.

Speaker 3 (27:53):
And it was a problem because you.

Speaker 4 (27:56):
Didn't want the cheeks She didn't want to hear the cheeks.

Speaker 5 (27:59):
Go on slapping for me, Like at some points I
was like, devow, you like, either you gotta hold it
or I gotta hold it because I know that mom
is right down the hallway.

Speaker 4 (28:10):
I wanted to hear that.

Speaker 3 (28:11):
Though I know it's the best part.

Speaker 2 (28:12):
You know, it's like the slapping, it's the mixing of
the mac and cheese, Like y'all know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 (28:18):
The noise is the sound and then when you're being quiet.

Speaker 2 (28:22):
Exactly like answering the questions and the probes. So I
will say that I can relate in that. Even just
more recently, Deval and I have spoken about what you
know twenty twenty four and on is going to look
like for us, because although we do have our moments
where we can you know, everyone goes to their rooms,
sometimes I want to drop it and get it on

(28:42):
in the family room, like when everybody goes to bed
at night, or sometimes I just want a random spot
where it's spontaneous and there's always being on the lookout
for a potential.

Speaker 3 (28:53):
Parent walking out or a child walking out.

Speaker 2 (28:56):
And then I know, you having my mom and dad
in the house, do you feel like it's different for
you because it's your in laws and I'm their daughter.

Speaker 4 (29:02):
I don't care. Listen, listen, listen. I'm not gonna lie
to y'all.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
Right, I be the one be wanting to have sex
in the family room, and every time I try to
do it, divide, let's go back, and this shit is
fucking annoying.

Speaker 3 (29:13):
It is.

Speaker 1 (29:13):
So here's the issue, right, you have to realize that
there are sacrifices that come with everything. I want my
mother in law and my father in law to be
here because they help me out tremendously.

Speaker 4 (29:25):
I want them here.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
So if that means that I got to just take
my ass to the room sometime to get nasty and
have sex, I'm just gonna do that. Like there's sacrifices
that come with every single thing.

Speaker 4 (29:37):
And I know my wife.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
Doesn't feel comfortable because she doesn't want her father to
come upstairs accidentally.

Speaker 3 (29:41):
And you know, my father is.

Speaker 4 (29:42):
All the walks like a ninja.

Speaker 2 (29:44):
Everybody knows that my dad not only is he quiet
in a few words, he floats.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
Yes, yes, through the house.

Speaker 4 (29:52):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (29:52):
And you won't hear him and see him until he's
on your neck.

Speaker 4 (29:56):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
So just imagine like.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
Me thinking like I don't want to think about my
father if I'm in the family room trying trying to.

Speaker 4 (30:02):
Get the cheek on your neck while you giveing neck.

Speaker 3 (30:05):
Baby, travesty, travesty.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
But the reason how I want to be honest with
them about that is because I don't want them to
think that everything is always pitcher perfect.

Speaker 3 (30:16):
Still, it's that for us to figure that you're.

Speaker 4 (30:18):
Still trying to figure that out.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
It's like, damn, like I really want to do it
right here, but it's like I can't because you know,
in all honestly, you don't want your parents to catch
you in a compromising position. But I just make the sacrifice, like,
you know what, let me walk these thirty paces in the.

Speaker 2 (30:32):
Back, right, and it's like you don't almost have to,
like all damn, let's just go to the bedroom now,
because then then then there becomes a monotony around it, right,
And I was just like I don't want to just
walk back to the bedroom and get in the bed
and have sex either, Like that's boring.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
Nobody wants to do that.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
Ship Like sometimes I want to randomly do it like
by the fireplace or some shit. And you know what
I'm saying, like that definitely impedes the progress.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
But what you can do is like what we do
five times when mom ay there, Yeah, and that's when
you do all the.

Speaker 3 (30:58):
Things they out of town for a couple days.

Speaker 1 (31:00):
We know, like we and this is what one thing
me and Kay gonna do if we know the kids
gonna be going for a couple of days, or the
parents gonna be gone, or we're gonna be out of
time when no one's around, we going hand for those
couple of days because we know when we get back home.
We got to have the quiet sex. We make jokes
about qui sex all the time. But the funny is,
I know you don't like having quia sex, but you

(31:20):
don't want to get caught. So when they gone, that's
when it's like, y'all dress up time?

Speaker 4 (31:26):
Yeah, movie time?

Speaker 2 (31:27):
Like where would I want to wear around the house?
You know, I remember when your dad was visiting for
like three weeks. One time you were like, damn, you
ain't wearing no shorts and ship around the house like
where my shorts at? And I'm like, bro, it's not you.
It's the fact that your father be here and he
stays up late and he watches movies in the theater.
We never know when he's coming for a snack. Like
there's just too many components, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (31:43):
My father don't float. My father gonna snack. So it's
gonna be two in the morning and we're gonna be sit.

Speaker 3 (31:48):
We pop a scoop a load.

Speaker 4 (31:49):
Why what are you doing up, bro?

Speaker 3 (31:52):
And make a sandwich? Broke you got any more than
roast beef?

Speaker 4 (31:55):
You want a sandwich?

Speaker 1 (31:58):
Make me want to That's my father's favorite line.

Speaker 2 (32:02):
So yeah, good luck on that girl and I don't
know it's it's also your spouse's mom in the house,
so she's probably no, you're I mean, well.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
It's her mom, so it's your in it's her in law,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (32:12):
It's like she don't want to get caught in no
compromise oppositions.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
I get it, But hey, mommy home a couple.

Speaker 1 (32:18):
Of days once in a while, send her to your
brothers and eat on a vacation.

Speaker 2 (32:22):
It's like, you know, you know, Mom, you know we're
going to send you out for like a little dinner
by yourself, little spa day, you know what I'm saying,
and then you find ways to work around it.

Speaker 3 (32:30):
Hopefully it's just temporary for y'all.

Speaker 2 (32:33):
All Right, we're gonna take one more quick break and
we're gonna move into the rest of our listener letters
for this episode, so stick around.

Speaker 3 (32:39):
We will be right back.

Speaker 2 (32:51):
All right, Hey, Team Ellis, let me just say that
I am a longtime listener, first time writer. I love
your family. Thank you so much, and thanks for writing
in for the first time.

Speaker 3 (32:59):
Hopefully will be the last. Let's see what we can
help you with here.

Speaker 2 (33:02):
To start, my husband and I have been together over
a decade and married almost eight years. We have three
beautiful children. From the wedding day, our sex life has
been so mediocre yikes. I've felt bamboozled since that day.
And no, we did not wait to have sex and
full transparency. We met in church and both volunteered in
various ministries. We slept together about four times on and off,

(33:23):
on and off over the three years we dated before marriage.
It was decent for the most part, but I was
also married before him, and that husband would.

Speaker 3 (33:31):
Turn me every way but loose. He just had community
d damn.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
With my current husband, we probably sleep together once every
six months, and it's once every six month, and it
is terrible. I initiate every time, and it's frustrating too
because he only believes in two positions, me on top
and missionary. He won't do oral giving or receiving.

Speaker 4 (33:59):
He must maybe a very spiritual and he just thinks.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
It and he won't try sex therapy my husband. I
love my husband with my entire heart, but I'm becoming
resentful for being unsatisfied. I'll never cheat, but I'm scared
that if the opportunity presents itself, that i won't be
strong enough to withstand temptation because of how our sex
life lacks. I love giving and receiving oral It's been

(34:23):
so long since I felt satisfied in bed, and he
feels like I'm not satisfied, satisfied because I desire something
he won't do. Yeah, yeah, I remember being told growing
up that you won't what you won't do for your
man another woman will, Well, why don't men believe in
that as well?

Speaker 3 (34:40):
My husband? My husband knows that.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
I won't cheat, which is why he doesn't feel the
need to compromise. I don't know how much longer I
can go pregaming with my rose help. Oh that is unfortunate.
I cannot relate.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
I'm going to give for the same advice women be
given men. You have to learn to control your urges.
Young lady, you got married. Don't that sound like some bullshit?

Speaker 3 (35:04):
The other way around?

Speaker 2 (35:07):
As a woman, I will be honest and say, yeah, yes, bullshit.

Speaker 3 (35:11):
Bro, Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
You ask somebody to be your one and only and
you just have hard lines on what you're not going
to do, then that shouldn't be your person.

Speaker 4 (35:21):
That should be And.

Speaker 3 (35:22):
I'm wondering what is issue?

Speaker 2 (35:24):
Is?

Speaker 3 (35:24):
Is it that he's not that into her.

Speaker 2 (35:26):
You know what I'm saying, is it that he's like
they got married under the pretenses of what. Okay, they
love each other, they're good people, yes, but sex is
a huge component in any marriage.

Speaker 1 (35:36):
But we also can't we can't we can't escape the
fact that they both grew up in the ministry, right, Okay,
And we've heard before, remember we did Kep on stage
and Melissa's podcasts that in the church and certain churches
it's so frowned upon and shame that people don't experience
sex or understand how to experience sex.

Speaker 3 (35:53):
That's possible.

Speaker 1 (35:54):
She also said that they had sex four times on
and off in three years, right, which means they haven't
like he.

Speaker 4 (36:00):
Creased sex since getting married.

Speaker 1 (36:01):
True, they just haven't partaken and he's continuing the same
thing that it was when they were dating. She probably
just assumed that once they got married he was going
to open up m hm, and he hasn't. And he's
created hardline saying I'm not doing this for whatever his
reasons may be.

Speaker 4 (36:17):
What's to be honest, those are his reasons. But you
can't deprive the one person that.

Speaker 1 (36:22):
You ask to be your wife. I just think that
that's unfair. That's your wife, bro, you asked her to
marry you.

Speaker 3 (36:28):
Mm hm.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
So when asking her to marry you, you have a
responsibility as a husband to be what that woman requires,
especially sexually, because you're asking her not to share any
of those sexual exploits with anybody else. I don't care
if it's a man or a woman. That's fucking selfish.

Speaker 4 (36:46):
Yeah it is.

Speaker 3 (36:47):
That's super selfish.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
And I'm actually happy that it's the other way around
because it gives women now a perspective to say shit
like this is the other way around.

Speaker 4 (36:54):
Sometimes no, it's the other way around a lot of times.

Speaker 1 (36:57):
You should see some of my dms from women who's
just like what about women who have high sex drives?
Like what are we supposed to do where my husband
either won't help me get to my point after he
climbaxes or whatever. And I will say to them too, like, yo,
that's just not fair that that is just not fair. Now,
this is the God's down, the truth. It may be

(37:18):
too much information, but Kadeen and I have sex a lot.
My main responsibility is to make sure that Kadeen has
an orgasm because I know I'm gonna orgasm like it
ends once I orgasm. There may be times where I'm
just like, she's just like I'm not coming yet, and
I when she.

Speaker 4 (37:38):
Said, baby, can you still take care of me? I'm
gonna take care of for us?

Speaker 1 (37:42):
Like you know what it is if I know that
you didn't reach there yet and I reached there yet,
and I'm like, come in, let me just you know
what I'm saying, you have a responsibility as a partner.
I don't care if it's a man or a woman.
Bro Like, you have a responsibility. You can't just let
your partner walk around feeling like they not cared for
while saying.

Speaker 2 (37:58):
To them you only gotta be with me, and her
saying that she feels like he knows that she won't cheat,
and that science it feels like he doesn't have to
compromise selfish. That's super selfish. And then also to the
argument can be made, this is her second marriage. So
that's why people say should you wait till marriage because
you don't know what else.

Speaker 3 (38:13):
Is out there?

Speaker 2 (38:15):
Either way, I mean, I don't think that's necessarily even
a valid argument. I'm just putting it out there because
it's like, you know, knowing people who are like very
heavy in church and they have certain like lines that
they're not going to cross before marriage.

Speaker 3 (38:27):
The fact that she has been.

Speaker 1 (38:29):
Maybe if we had a listener letter where a couple
waited and she said she wasn't fast satisfied after waiting.

Speaker 4 (38:35):
What do I do now?

Speaker 1 (38:37):
Just waiting doesn't mean that you're always going to be
satisfied with what you receive your marriage is very true.
Said that they waited until marriage, they didn't have sex,
and when they started to have sex, she was just like,
I don't know what sex is, but whatever I'm getting.

Speaker 3 (38:50):
Is not it.

Speaker 4 (38:51):
It's not it.

Speaker 3 (38:52):
It's not it.

Speaker 1 (38:52):
And she was like, am I wrong for And to
be honest, it doesn't matter if you wait or if
you don't. Some people just aren't compatible sexually. And sex
is a huge That is true.

Speaker 2 (39:02):
I know, I know somebody who you know, was attracted
to this person, liked the person, person's a good person.

Speaker 3 (39:10):
All that good stuff.

Speaker 2 (39:11):
Everything was lining up, but off the bat, the sex
just was not. And she said, I don't know if
it's that we just don't have the right rhythm. I
don't know if it's that we're still learning each other.

Speaker 3 (39:20):
Like what it is.

Speaker 2 (39:22):
But she just felt like, for whatever reason, we just
weren't compatible sexually.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
For me, personally, sex is way more than just a
visionary act where you see someone you like or a
physical act where they do something I like it.

Speaker 4 (39:38):
We both like, there's so much more that goes into
having sex.

Speaker 1 (39:41):
Yes, and when two people aren't tied together in a
way where it's explosive for both, it doesn't matter what
you do, how often you do it.

Speaker 4 (39:48):
Sometimes it's just not good. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, Like,
sometimes it's just not good sex.

Speaker 2 (39:53):
That is true, Like I I something might be missing, right,
there might be a missing puzzle piece there.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
And to be be honest, that part should not be
secondary because when that resentment grows, whether it's a man
or a woman, if the one thing you have that
you won't breaking your vows is to cheat, how could
you ask someone to spend the rest of their life
not being satisfied doing the one thing that you don't
want me to do with nobody else.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
That's super selfish and considerate.

Speaker 2 (40:18):
And they've been together almost a decade, married eight years,
three children, Like WHOA, it's a long time to be unhappy.

Speaker 4 (40:24):
It's a long time. That's a long time, like I girl.

Speaker 1 (40:28):
To me, personally, I'm not big on divorces, but I
do believe that you have a right and a responsibility
to say, hey, this is not working for me.

Speaker 4 (40:39):
Can we find a way? And if that person is
just no, it's my.

Speaker 1 (40:42):
Way of the eye worn, hard nose don't work in relationships.

Speaker 2 (40:46):
I feel like this is something that can be super
easily corrected. And then you know what, if they have
the conversation, he might say, you know what, I've had
these obstacles because I've dealt with this in the past,
and this is the reason why. Maybe it requires therapy,
maybe it requires him talking about she said.

Speaker 3 (41:01):
If there's a reason why she said it, she.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
Said, I asked him to try sex therapy and he won't.
To me, this is a person who is not willing
to be in a relationship.

Speaker 3 (41:09):
Right.

Speaker 1 (41:09):
If you're not willing to listen to anything she's offering,
you're not willing to go to a third party, you're
not willing to try anything.

Speaker 4 (41:14):
Why be in a relationship?

Speaker 1 (41:15):
Right? Relationships are all about giving to business, never going
to be just your way.

Speaker 2 (41:20):
And for those to say that sex is not everything,
it's a lot. It has a lot to do with it.

Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yes, it really does.

Speaker 2 (41:26):
Like, don't let nobody lie to you and say, oh,
it's not just about sex. No, sex is huge, a
huge component.

Speaker 4 (41:30):
In marriage yourselves. If y'all want to say what.

Speaker 2 (41:33):
It is women, women, I'll tell y'all whatever the dynamic is,
it's huge.

Speaker 4 (41:37):
This is what I always say.

Speaker 1 (41:38):
If sex should never be that much of a priority,
why is it a priority if they want to have
sex with someone else?

Speaker 3 (41:43):
That's the biggest question.

Speaker 4 (41:45):
How much of a priority sex is?

Speaker 1 (41:47):
It matters to you so much that you don't want
your partner to be with someone else, You have to
take that into consideration when it's time to have sex,
and not only when you want to have sex.

Speaker 4 (41:57):
You can't tell somebody sex is so important that you
only could be with me.

Speaker 1 (42:01):
But then when they say, well, I'm ready to have sex, Well,
why sex got to be so important all the time?

Speaker 4 (42:04):
That makes no sense.

Speaker 2 (42:06):
Yeah, that put a lot of things in perspective when
we were having a lot of our issues that we
were navigating early on in our marriage. So good luck
to you, says, I hope that you'll find a way
to get through to him.

Speaker 3 (42:16):
Can I also say this, Yeah, go for it.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
You can find resolutions because Kadeen and I had so
many conversations about sex and sex was such a hot
button topic for us since we met at eighteen and
went through things being the way they were in our twenties.
But we came to I don't even want to say
a resolution. We came to.

Speaker 4 (42:34):
A place that fits both of our needs.

Speaker 1 (42:39):
Like, we came to a point I can honestly say,
I don't walk around feeling like I'm taking for granted anymore.

Speaker 4 (42:45):
You know what I'm saying. I don't walk.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
Around feeling like, oh, she only wants me to do
things on her terms. It took a lot of talking,
and I think that's what people need to hear. We
were together twenty something years, and when for fifteen of
those twenty something years we were trying to figure it out.
So when people here, we've been doing this for a
year and a half and it's not changing, that's not
a long time. Because now we're forty and we still
have another what forty years to experience the.

Speaker 4 (43:09):
Type of bliss we want in our press life. You're
sixty years You know what I'm saying. If it's still
working when I'm on honey, baby, better watch out.

Speaker 3 (43:15):
Now, baby.

Speaker 2 (43:16):
But you know what at the root of it was
and why I think we've overcome so many of those
sex issues and obstacles, is that for me at least,
it finally hit me that I'm just like my husband
does everything for me in his life and in this
life that we've created, that.

Speaker 3 (43:33):
He deserves.

Speaker 2 (43:36):
Everything sexually, emotionally, he deserves everything. So for me to
make you happy that it's like I want. It became
my want and not a responsibility, because responsibily almost makes it.

Speaker 4 (43:52):
Right.

Speaker 2 (43:52):
And for me it was just like, I just have
this burning desire to reciprocate that and make him happy.
I want to see you smile. I want to make
sure that you feel good. I want you to be
skipping around here. I don't want you to have to
deal with the fact that you haven't had sex the
way you want to have sex in two, three, four
or five days or whatever it is, and then that
way you're heavy.

Speaker 3 (44:10):
I don't want that.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
You've alleviated so much stress off of my life that
I need to see my man happy, and if it
means he's going to have sex, and.

Speaker 3 (44:19):
I throw it in the circle however he needs it.
I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 1 (44:22):
I'm glad you brought that up, because that's a different
take on why you've changed. It's like you change because
you feel like I deserve it, but also it was
your want to want to change, right because I always
felt like I do the things I do for you
because I want to see you happy. When you have
two people who wake up yearning to want to see
their partner happy, that's how you get to this place,

(44:44):
because then you're no longer saying I'm doing this sexual
act for for them.

Speaker 4 (44:49):
No, I'm doing this sexual.

Speaker 1 (44:50):
Act because it brings me treasure to see you know
what I'm saying. That's when you find that groove.

Speaker 3 (44:55):
That's the takeaway, you know what I'm saying. That's the takeaway.
That's the takeaway.

Speaker 2 (44:59):
So he needs to out make sure that he's aware
that you're not happy, and he needs to find the
desire to make you happy.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
Question, how could you feel comfortable in a marriage knowing
that you don't desire to make your partner feel happy? Like,
think about that, Like I'm in this marriage saying, hey, harding,
and I don't you know what I'm saying, it's a
hard no.

Speaker 4 (45:20):
But whatever you need or desire. I'm not. It's a
hard no.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
The fact that and you don't. I don't care, I
don't care how you feel. That has to make you.

Speaker 4 (45:26):
Feel like, damn, am I really in this rage for
the right reason? You know?

Speaker 3 (45:30):
And like it makes your spouse feel like, damn, am
I not worth the you know whatever it is? The effort,
the effort. Yeah, and that's only something that's making you.

Speaker 4 (45:40):
That won't make you feel uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (45:43):
Like, there's certain things that's just like my partner wants
me to let let her punch your in the ribs
when I'm having sex.

Speaker 4 (45:49):
That don't I don't feel good to me, you know
what I'm saying. There's there's also limitation.

Speaker 1 (45:54):
You can't just be like, you know, I want to
have a wild orgy with forty women. If you love me,
you would do it with me, Like, you know what
I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (45:59):
That's not get ahead of ourselves.

Speaker 1 (46:00):
Yeah, okay, I'm talking about two people being there for
each other. That's not a detriment or not abusive, Yes,
definitely not abusive. Yes, all right, let's get to our
last listener letter. Yay, I just want to take the
time to thank you both. My husband and I have
read your book and truly enjoy it and it has
helped so much.

Speaker 4 (46:18):
Thank you so much. We appreciate you.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
My husband is currently incarcerated in Missouri and has been
since he was sixteen years old. Due to a law changing,
he's eligible to see the board this year, and we
really wanted to communicate better and better understand each other
since he will and God's will be coming home soon.
Your book has inspired him so much he has passed
it around to other couples in the prison to read
with their wives.

Speaker 4 (46:40):
That's what say.

Speaker 2 (46:40):
That is so deep.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
I just want you to know how much you have
helped us. We are both only thirty and have so
much to learn.

Speaker 4 (46:47):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
Dang that made me feel so good is my husband
loves to watch The Vale on TV. It makes him
know that he is a real person. Remember we were
learned before that we have a big prison population who
watches System and they love Zach. Because Zach was dealing
with recidivism and I was able to turn his life around.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
I think I might've even meeting Oh my god, you've
met a young man who might have said that he
was incarcerated that you got.

Speaker 1 (47:11):
Yeah, that's when we met a young lady whose husband
was incarcerated in front of the King's Plaza. Yeah, she
was like, my husband watches Sisters because they love to
watch Zach's story because he's winning after being down.

Speaker 3 (47:21):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's what's up.

Speaker 5 (47:23):
Man.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Wow, I'm happy to hear that the book has been
such a tremendous.

Speaker 3 (47:27):
Help to so many people.

Speaker 2 (47:29):
And if it's helping, you know, men and women who
are incarcerated who are looking to turn their lives around
and get out and you know, be the best versions
of themselves for themselves and also for their partner.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
Like I love, I love to hear.

Speaker 4 (47:42):
That, and that just made me smile.

Speaker 2 (47:44):
So yeah, you say, and you put so what I
admired about you, Babies, that you put so much though
you've never been incarcerated, You've put so much thoughts into
who Zach is as a character. You know that it
has become so relatable for so many people. You know,
like shout out to you and Tyler of him giving
you the latitude to be able to create absolutely this

(48:05):
character and really like dive into it. Like you've talked
about recidivism a lot. You've looked into it, You've researched it. Like,
I want you guys to know that Deval hasn't taken
this role lightly either, because you know, it is a
representation of what some people are dealing with.

Speaker 4 (48:20):
Yeah, you know a lot of a lot of black
men in this country. Yea, with recidivism.

Speaker 2 (48:24):
Yea.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
We don't talk about it, but incarceration in America is
the highest amongst the world, and black men are incarcerated
and an alarming rates seven times higher than their white counterparts.
So it's important for us to share these stories but
also show the redemption of these stories and show that
these you know, these young men going through these are
not perfect, but they do have traumas they're dealing with
and while trying to deal with they have to deal

(48:45):
with the real world. So for me, that's what Zach is,
That's who Zach is, you know, so great. Appreciate y'all, man.

Speaker 3 (48:51):
That's a great note to end on.

Speaker 4 (48:52):
That's a good note to end on.

Speaker 1 (48:53):
Yeah, I appreciate you'all, mister and missus Green. I hope
y'all are listening. Man, We love and appreciate you'all words,
and we're gonna keep grinding Manna, keep doing what we're doing, keep.

Speaker 4 (49:01):
Making y'all proud.

Speaker 2 (49:02):
Absolutely all right, y'all, I hope that after listening to
this episode, if you were thinking about writing into listener letters,
that this has encouraged you again. A safe space for
everyone who listens. We have love for all of you.
It doesn't matter what you look like, who you with.
You know the deval getting to gon rock with y'all.
So please, if you want to be featured as one
of our listener letters, be sure to email us at

(49:23):
Deadass Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (49:26):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (49:30):
All right, Moment of Truth time. It's our listening letter episodes.

Speaker 2 (49:33):
One of our most favorite every season. Yes, what you
got to say to the people baby, very simple.

Speaker 1 (49:37):
Most problems can be solved with the conversation as long
as both people are coming to the conversation with the
willingness to understand and not just respond or judge.

Speaker 2 (49:48):
All right, and my moment of truth is I think
the same every listener letter every season. You guys take
the time to write in, to give us your notes
and ask the questions, and to also give us our flower.
So I like to take this opportunity every season to
give you all your flowers and to thank you for
your continued love and your continued support, and your continued

(50:08):
listens and you're continued sharing to people who you think
may benefit from our podcast or just from our life,
our vlogs, our Patreon episodes. We really genuinely love and
appreciate each and every one of you, and dead Ass Podcast,
whether it's a live show, whether it's the podcast recorded audio,
is always going to be a safe space for all
of our listeners and all of our supporters because we

(50:29):
all family baby at this point, and I hope you
know that we love you so much. All right, y'all,
and be sure too find us on Patreon if you
had not yet, shout out to all of our Patreon
gang who were in their.

Speaker 3 (50:39):
Yellows this tour. Yeah, I loved to see.

Speaker 2 (50:42):
That was a great way to identify you all and
to give you a little extra loving. You can find
exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content there as well as
exclusive Ellis family content, and then you can find us
on social media of course, dead Ass the Podcast.

Speaker 3 (50:55):
I'm Kadeen, I am.

Speaker 1 (50:56):
And I am devout and if you're listening on Apple podcasts.
Be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and pick up your
copy of We Over Me, The counterintuitive approach to getting
everything you want out of your relationship. It is a
New York Times bestseller. It is our over a year anniversary.

Speaker 4 (51:11):
We Love Y'all.

Speaker 3 (51:14):
Dead Ass.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network
and its produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple Follow the
podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and
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