Selling Granny's House

The passing of a central family member is never easy. Especially if they've left their assets behind without a plan. In this episode, the Ellises discuss what to do when you receive an inheritance, so that you can leave the next generation better off. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Real talk. A lot of people are sitting on millions
of dollars right now if they would just sell their
grandma's house. Yeah, but what about the sentimental value attached?

(00:22):
Which one weighs more the one that pays more bills
the coins m cash out. Y'all. Hey, I'm Cadine and
we're the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny
videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as

(00:43):
a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therby
most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
folks don't want to talk about. Do the lens of
them on len You're married couple. Dead adds is the
term that we say every day. So when we say

(01:04):
dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows
off to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
I'm gonna take you all back to two thousand and seventeen, No,

(01:29):
two thousand and eighteen. This is when you and I
were trying to make the decision of whether or not
we were going to move to l A or not.
And we were working a lot, working a lot, making
a lot of money at this point in the cash
coming in from the gym business and doing social media
and doing events and things like that, also doing makeup.

(01:50):
But we needed capital because we were like, listen, if
we were going to relocate from New York to l A.
The gym business at that time was a large part
of how we made money, so we would need some
time to move over. I said, what's the best way
for me to get some capital? In two thousand and seven,
I purchased my grandparents house because my grandparents needed to

(02:15):
move from South Carolina to New York. No from they
need to move from Tennessee to South Carolina. And at
the time Morristown, Tennessee. It's you know that this was
right before the economic crisis. The recession happened in two
thousand and nine, but there weren't a lot of um
plants and stuff open at that time there so the
economy renouncing, no one was purchasing property in the area.

(02:36):
So my grandparents were looking to move to South Carolina
to be closer to their siblings, and it was like
all right, well, let's keep the house in the family.
I was playing in the NFL at the time, so
I was like, all right, let me just buy this
house to work state in the family is gonna be
like a family airline. I'll just pay off. I'll pay
off the property in the next couple of years, in
the next next couple of contracts, whatever. That was my
thought process two thousand and seven. Then two thousand and eight,

(03:01):
I purchased a home for us to live in because
we were living in Michigan and we wanted the tax
right off, so we wanted to get a residency in
Michigan rather than having one in New York because the
New York Texas was ridiculous. So I own two properties.
Let's go back to two thousand and eighteen. Now we
were thinking about moving into l A. How do we
get capital? And I was like, well, I own two

(03:22):
properties that have equity. So at first it was like,
do I sell my grandparents house to get the equity
out so I could have a little space to move
or do a hold on to it so it could
be a family heirloom. And I was like, no, one
is going to go back to Morristown. Tennessee to live there, right,

(03:44):
I was paying all of the times that there was
no tenants in there. I was paying the mortgage I
was paying for when the boiler had to be fixed,
I was like, you know what, I think, I'm a
cashing on this equity, used that to put in my banks,
and then when we relocated, at least I had a
couple of months to make sure that I can get
my feet underneath me. And that's exactly what can I did.
We sold both properties. We had a good amount of equity,

(04:07):
and when we made that jump to l A, we
knew we were sitting on at least eight months of rent,
so that it was like, yo, I got eight months
to figure out how I'm going to duplicate that revenue
that I lost in the gym business in New York,
and we were gonna make it work. It was all
worth it because our dreams were in l A, and

(04:29):
the minute we moved to l A, our whole life changed.
So imagine if I never sold my grandparents house to
move to l A, we'd probably still be in another department.
Nothing like God's perfect timing. Dead ass doom, doom, doom, doom,
doom Do do do do do Do do doom? A room

(04:56):
is still a room even nothing there but glue, and
the house is not at home when there's no one
there to do my baby, to hold your time, and

(05:17):
no one to kiss good not Oh yeah, that's definitely
not my octave. But hey, we made the work, you'll
get it. The house is not at home. I don't
think there's an octave that can hold Luther that he
did his own He did his own thing. But I
want to know are you gonna be? Are you gonna be?
Said you're gonna be in love? Women? Where? Where? Well? Where?

(05:41):
That's my favorite part. I love that feeling love recipes, Luther.
Let me tell you listen, I think we should take
a break, let me go see what my other favorite
Luca songs are in here, come back, and then we'll

(06:04):
jump into selling grandma's house. All right, so we're back.
Let's let's let's just kind of walk people. Let's unpack
this whole process here. That's a debate. I think a
lot of families have. You know, you're sitting on this
property that has been in the family for years, um

(06:27):
that you know grandma, great grandma, grandpa. They worked really,
really hard, extreme to obtain. So so there was there
was a lot that went into this story process. And
there's a lot of my family history with property that
I want to kind of unpack. Right first and foremost,

(06:48):
my family comes from a line of Southern blacks who
owned property. My grandmother's father was he was a sharecropper
and he was one of the few blacks. He was
black and um Native American. I believe this is Nani Nana's.

(07:10):
His mom and dad are from um Indigenous people descent.
I don't know the descended from the indigenous people. And
what people don't know is that the indigenous people had
property in America, but they also owned slaves. So my
grandmother and grandfather from our Orangeburg, South Carolina. And if

(07:30):
you look at my grandmother's family, they're really really fair
skinned people, right, some of them are really really fair
skinned people. Some have that like brownish olive complexion is
because of the indigenous people's side, and I think some
Germans in there. But her family came from money. Her
dad drove a Cadillac, he owned property, he had sure,

(07:51):
he was a share cropper, you know. And I remember
going down south and seeing the big house they used
to call the Big house. That was grand Day's house.
That was the big house. And when we had family
and unions, we'd over go to the Big House and
to be all of the family would be there, all
the cousins would sleep, they're all way up until the attic.
So for me, having a property that the family can
come by and we could all do like family unions

(08:11):
and stuff always meant a lot to me. Remember when
you went to my family, my my grandparents fifty at
the anniversary and we all stayed in that house, equipped
with the fried chicken legs wrapped in the bread, all
the snacks, the sweet tea shoutout, shout out to Orangebrook,
South Carolina. But um, so it was always ingrained in

(08:34):
me to own property. You know. My grandfather, my grandmother's husband,
my grandfather, he owned property, so he and his is
a funny story too, my parents stayed in the house
when Troy Avenue and Flatbush. My grandfather had bought the
property for twenty dollars and my my dad was still

(08:56):
living here in Brooklyn, and he was just like, hey, Troy,
you know you want to stay in this house. You know,
there was a mortgage on it was like two hundred
dollars at the time. Right, my father asked my mom,
I remember this story, Hey, Karen, you want to stay here?
It was like a two family house, had a bunch
of rooms stuff like. She's like, no, it's too big.
I don't want to stay there. So my father like
kind of like kind of like me and you with

(09:17):
the house right in the group. So they went and
stayed in an apartment in Flatbush and let my grandfather
sell the house. He sold the house and then bought
the house in Tennessee. Those houses on Troy Avening are
now worth seven figures. Just I just want to put
that out there. A brick to family house in Flatbush
from Troy Avenue there was a worth at least a million,

(09:37):
three million, four right now. But yeah, you dropped the bag,
had a moment dropped the bag to But I'm gonna
get to that though. I'm gonna get to I'm gonna
get to that though. But um so, it was always
a great to me their own property. So when I
bought the house in Tennessee, that was the house that
me and my cousins always went to in the summertime.
We have family reunions at the house. When my grandparents

(09:59):
had the at the anniversary. That's the first time you
ever stayed in the house in Tennessee was that house.
So I was like, I'm just gonna keep this house
that I can take my kids to this house and
I can show them where your dad used to stay
in your grandparents owners and your your your grandparents lived
here with the only black family in this cold stack
in Morristown, Tennessee in the seventies, like it was, it
meant a lot to me. And now we get to

(10:24):
the choices of us to saying what are we gonna
do to get to l A and me owning the
house and the house having some equity in it, and
then buying the house in Michigan. I purchased that home
because you and I well, I wanted to prove to
you at the time that there was a future for us.
And I also wanted to get residency in Michigan because

(10:44):
the taxes in New York at that time, because I
was playing in so many different states, was ridiculous. So
we purchased those house. That goes into the decision could
deem made and I don't think we ever touched on this.
When I asked a dean if she wanted to buy
a house in New York, Oh or she wanted to
get married and have a big wedding. Part of what

(11:04):
her decision was to having a big wedding is that
we already owned the two properties. They weren't the properties
that we lived in. They were investment properties, but we
owned two properties. That was my mindset. I get it.
You're just like, oh, of course you just wanted the
big wedding just because. And I'm like, well, we have
two homes. If we needed to, we can tell them
and buy something else. So I and I and I

(11:26):
get that. I and I get that. But my thought
process at the time was to buy a house in
an area that was pre gentrification so that we could
get a huge amount of equity. At that time, we
weren't gonna get that in those other two properties. So
when we were staying in the apartment and it was
time for us to make a leap forward, it was like,
now was the time to use what my grandparents had

(11:50):
worked so hard for, and that was the equity. And
here's the way I want you guys to think about it.
I never wanted to sell my grandparents house. I wanted
to hold on to it, rent it out until I
was able to just completely afford it and then not
rent it out and have be a family in Loom
where we travel and we take the kids and we say,

(12:11):
you can actually walk in the places that your your
dad walked when he was a little kid. But also
it was on an acre and a half of land,
and I wanted to be able to show them ownership,
like black ownership. That was my ultimate intention. But then
I started to think a little bit more broadly and say,
I can hold onto this house and show my kids

(12:33):
this house, or I can use the equity from this
house to create a grander life for my kids and
show them the world. So what's more important being able
to show them the house or show them the world?
And you and I chose to show them the world
because we didn't just sell that house. We also sold
the house in Michigan, which in my mind, like I said,

(12:55):
this is my first property that I bought, that was
this mine, that was ours to live in. I wanted
to be able to hold onto it to say, hey, boys,
this is where your dad and mom live. This is
the first home they bought. But we sold it and
we kind of put aside all of the you know,
family heirloom, sentimental value things in order to be able

(13:16):
to find real value and give them something that they
didn't have. And it worked out in our favor. You know,
we had enough equity to put money in the bank
that said we were gonna last. And this is the
way I always do my finances. If I'm going to
make a decision, I'm going to make a decision that
puts us in the situation that there's not there's no
stress for k and myself. So when we decided that
we were going to move to l A, it wasn't
about just moving, because you hear some of these stories

(13:38):
where I moved to l A with no nothing but
change in my pocket, and that uncomfortable feeling made me
work hard. Right, I'm a hard work anyway. I don't
want my family to be uncomfortable. So that equity for
us was to give us at least six to eight
months of rent so that we could be in California

(13:58):
and be comfortable. So it's like I almost have a year,
a whole year to get on my feet to figure
out that additional revenue. And we could have been uncomfortable
if we're just you and I but when you're moving
with children, especially across country, it's like you gotta make
sure that you had that little bit of cushion rooms.
So yeah, So to me, selling the house was a
way for me to use that equity to to give
my parents my family a better opportunity moving forward. And

(14:21):
it worked out. You know, when we moved to l
a way more opportunities opened up, We made way more
money and ultimately ended up with us purchasing this home
that we're living in now. So if you think about it,
holding onto that heirloom wouldn't have helped us because we've
just still been renting in New York and paying the
mortgages on to other properties. Instead, I sold it about

(14:41):
the equity and move forward. And now where it was atter,
did your fault get your parents, particularly I guess your
dad or any of your dad's side of family, They
were okay once we sold the house, right, there was
no because sometimes that's a family beef. Is like to
sell the house and I sell the house, Usually you
see a split somebody like we should sell it to
get the benefit of the property and the money. But

(15:03):
this is typically what this is typically what happens with
beafs right. People with no money always want to tell
people who are investing all the money into it how
they should spend it. I wasn't willing to do that.
And and the bottom line is, if you're not willing
to help into the investment of the family, you should
have no say. And what we do in a lot

(15:26):
of our families nowadays is we just give people sentimental equity,
which means it's, oh, because you're the oldest, oh, or
because you're one of the cousins, you have a say.
But when all of the finances falls on one person,
that person has the most say because that person is
required to making sure that the building is maintained. And

(15:48):
that's that's what happens that I think is so unfair.
But my family that we don't operate like that. My
my aunt's, my uncle's, my my father was just like,
if it's a burden, is that house is a burden
for you, you gotta do it for your family. And
I think that's what's helped my family prosper financially is
because they don't. No one ever holds someone back for

(16:10):
their own personal gain. It's like, Okay, if this can
move us forward, then we all have to be in agreement,
or if this is a burden to one person in particular,
we can't allow this entity to be a burden to
one person while we sit back so that she's willing
to contribute and find a way to divise a plan
to make it a better situation or a problem solved. Absolutely,

(16:31):
And that's one thing I say about my my Well,
that side of the family is my father's side of
the family. But my grandfather was big on teaching financial
acumen well and well and instilling instilling some sort of
financial acumen into all of his children. So when it
was time to have these conversations, it went a lot
smoother than you hear in other families because a lot

(16:52):
of times there's no one in charge who lays down
the law about what it's supposed to happen. Most people
don't have wills, you know. Those people don't have trust,
so when someone dies unexpectedly not everyone else is left
scrambling to try to figure things out. My my grandfather,
God rest his soul, Charles w Ellis, laid things out

(17:13):
for his four children so they everyone knew what it was.
There wasn't when he passed away. There was no who
was getting there it was. He knew what it was
and they made things clear. Plus he took care of
his family. He always took care of his kids, even
in adulthood. So when it was time for me to
make the decision, all if his children was like, do
what you have to do for your family, Like, don't
let what happened in our generation or things that have

(17:35):
happened trickle down. That's not fair. All of my aunt's
and uncles are the same way. They don't ever like
we're gonna hold this one back because no, you got
to move forward. My my family would rather go without
then asked me to hold onto something that wasn't beneficial
to our family. And your family is the same way.
And I think that's another reason why we've been able

(17:55):
to prosper so much, because we come from families that
don't have a selfish bone in their body. And I
think that in large part is why a lot of
family struggle because because you know, when it's time to
sell the house, everybody wants their peace, but no one
was there for the upkeep and maintenance. And that happens
to a lot of families. That does happened a lot,
and they had me thinking when you mentioned the will,

(18:15):
I'm just like, that's something everyone should have, regardless of age.
You gotta have that because if not that untimely death
or those unfortunate circumstances and having to deal with grief alone,
then you're not dealing with all the extra ship that
comes along with it. And they're there are difficult. Those
are difficult conversations to have. When you get to a
certain age and now all of your friends are in

(18:37):
this thirties age, we start to talk about different things. Right,
the conversations have now navigated from um, the hottest check
and who's winning the game too, how's your son doing
in sports, how's your daughter doing in sports? Or how's
your mom and dad dealing with tones? So so now
these conversations are talking about wills, and these conversations talking

(18:58):
about you know, parents are all Shimmer's and having those conversations,
do you have insurance a lot of the people in
the generation right above us or two generations before us,
don't have wills in place, don't have insurance. So things
are happening, and now my my buddies are just like
you know, their first our generation has been doing really well.

(19:20):
Most of us are the first generation to graduate college
have high paying six figure jobs. So a lot of
the family comes to my friend group to ask for
the advice, but then when they try to give the advice,
it's always met with vitriol, you know. For example, one
of my buddies had his uncle's house was pretty much

(19:41):
snatched from underneath them. He had a house in I
think it was Philadelphia, fully paid off. It was him
and his sons. His sons weren't doing as well as
my buddy, and his son's you know, ended up, you know,
leaving it. But they come stay in the house, but
they don't contribute at all. And the although were starting
to go through dementia, and no one was paying the

(20:04):
water bills, no one was paying the city taxes, and
they got a letter on the door for eviction, and
they're like, you can't evictus was our own We own
our house. The father hadn't paid the water bill or
the state taxes, and I think it was about three
years or the city taxes three years. And people are
going into these areas and buying the deeds because there's

(20:26):
leans on the property. Someone brought the deed for the
remaining balance of what they owed in the city taxes
because there was no mortgage on the house. Since there
was no mortgage on the house and there was no
bank to be paid. Now the new person who paid
for the lean to be removed on the property, so
they had to go to probate court to fight, which
costs more money. And when he was telling his cousins

(20:49):
at the time, like, hey, if you guys are looking
for capitals, nothing for you to do. You need to
at least take care of the house if you don't
want to sell it. But he was telling them like, hey,
your your dad has hundreds of thousands worth of equity
in this house that if you want to do better
for him, even if you sell the home, you put
him in a home or put him get it, sell

(21:10):
a home, put him in a place where he can
get around the clock, nurse care. You guys, invest in
some things that you know increase your your worth of
what you can make. But no one wanted to listen
to him. Now the house it's gone, and now to
like save us, and he's just like, I've been trying
to tell you what a lot of people. But when

(21:30):
he asked me, why didn't you want to sell the house?
They're like, well, it was dad's house. You know, we
didn't want to you know, we didn't want to sell
the house, I said, But there was no upkeep on
the house. The house was terrible, the grass was never cut.
Um as he got older, he started to hoard things,
so it became a hordess house. Had nothing but junk
in the house. So you let him run the house ragged,
you know, drive down the property value, let someone come

(21:52):
get it for next to nothing. Now you walk away
with nothing thing yep yep. And they, you know a
lot of them said the same things that it is, like, well,
we didn't know what we could do with the house.
Which is what we want to talk to you guys
about today. For sure. Well, the racial wealth gap in
America is still growing. It's growing wider and wider. In fact,

(22:14):
some studies show that in thirty years, well for black
families will be at zero, not at all. Nothing. And
with this knowledge and a desire to build wealth for
our children and future generations, which I think is very
a big focus. I think for our generations millennials um,
when parents or grandparents pass on and leave their properties behind,

(22:34):
the decision to keep ourselves maybe confusing and a little
bit um devices divisive for the families. So it's like,
do you sell and split the money amongst the living
or do you keep it and let those family members
who always seem to be in need live in the house.
You know, mess up granny's old plastic covered furniture. You
know she still got the plastic on that joint. Um,

(22:58):
what are the things that you to really consider before selling?
So we're going to weigh out the options of selling
versus keeping. Um, Well, we also have some stats that
we can get into before we go there, Let's discuss
why the racial wealth gap is getting larger. Right, most
people in this country, white Americans who have any bit
of wealth or generational wealth, majority of them got their

(23:20):
wealth from land that was passed down during slavery, to
be honest, right, and during reconstruction. That's where the majority
of them got their land. When FDR created the New Deal,
and they decided that they were going to help the
housing market, right, that's when they created suburbs and they
gave they told contractors this is the government, the actual
federal government gave contractors subsidies to build more houses after

(23:43):
the Great Depression. But those subsidies were given to contractors
who build houses in white neighborhoods and wouldn't allow black
people to move into those neighborhoods. So what happens is
black people, right, we're all pushed into ghettos. Once they
were pushed into these areas, they were all of these
black people push in the areas. They discounted the land,

(24:04):
didn't give them insurance and told them that their property
wasn't valued as much as white properties. You take that,
and that was in the nineteen twenties. So a hundred
years of them devaluing black properties, um not giving blacks insurance,
on top of burning down black cities that were thriving,
you get a racial wealth gap because now you have

(24:27):
white families who are gaining money and gaining access to wealth,
who can now go out and buy more property and
more wealth. And as they buy more property, they'll say, well,
you know what, you can't own it, but you can
rent it. So now you have a lot more Black
families who are renting property than owning property because the
properties that were passed down are given to you know,

(24:48):
white people give to their you know, white children, and
black families. Their properties were burnt down or taken or
they lost them, or they just lived in ghettos from
the time they got out of reconstruction and we're trying
to build through where they redline whether they were redlined,
and the segregate itself. So over a hundred years, that
continues to keep the woke got increased. But that also

(25:08):
explains why Black families have such a sentimental value to
their properties because they're like, you know, if my grandma
owned this, I can't sell it because we as a
community don't have property. And that's what I want to
talk about today, is because just owning a piece of
property and squatting on it is not using the asset

(25:28):
the way it was supposed to be used, or holding
onto that asset waiting until said granny and grandpa whoever
passes away, when there may be opportunities to pull from
that home while they're there and then purchase another property
or invest think about someone who wants to start up.
Those are the times when you can actually say, hey,

(25:50):
let me find out what this is worth, what is
it appraising for, What can I pull from to then
invest into something to make this grow. Because also we
know that holding onto a property or an investment that's
just not making you any kind of money is also
too to a detriment. But that's that's also the mindset.
Right for black Americans, the mindset is always to get
a good job, make sure you get a pension, and

(26:11):
make sure you get your two weeks vacation. And if
you can live a life like that, then you're successful
in America, as opposed to thinking, my job is only
for me to be able to get money to own property,
to then use that property to get more property. This
way I don't have to work. Working is only part
of the American dream. Working is not the full American dream.

(26:32):
But you know what, in their defense, there's a scarcity
mentality that they have um probborly generations. To us, we're
just not having. Sometimes they just want to see the
absolutely they want to see their money, as in, I
own this vehicle, don't matter if it's a depreciating asset.
They just want to see that they own it. You're
not leasting, they're not renting. They own. They want to

(26:53):
own this home that they live in. Because why I'm
not paying rent to anyone. I own this home. I'm
paying my mortgage, My home is paid off, My bank account.
I have this four oh one K, I have my
savings account. I can see my dollars and sense here.
So that makes sense for me. But in the grand scheme,
is it really making sense if you cannot use those

(27:14):
assets to then grow the money. You know, So let's
jump into some facts and stats, because you know, we
like to know what they're saying. So, the rate of
white home ownership is now while black ownership is points lower.
According to the most recent Census Bureau figures, more than

(27:37):
half of white families end up with more wealth than
their parents, while only blacks are able to do the
same thing. And a large part of that comes from
home ownership. Because if you hone, if you own property
and you pass property down, the property continues to gain value.
So that's why those the younger generation is valued more
because they're continuing to not only accrue more property, but

(28:00):
the property value goes on. Also, think about this. A
couple gets married, Okay, you have a black couple, we
have a white couple. White couples. You know, the bride's
mom and dad they throw the wedding right, they pay
for the entire thing because that's their daughter. The groom's
parents down payment for a home, and then they're living

(28:23):
in a home. A lot of you get from the
wedding and the gifts from people who know, Okay, we
want to help the family. We're going to cover our
head and then give them a little extra to put
towards whatever it is that they're trying to say. If
you use our wedding, for example, we have if everybody
brings a hundred dollars to cover their plate, and our

(28:45):
parents would have covered everything, we would have walked with
dollars on top of a down payment for a home
which we didn't have, which we didn't. So we're just
looking at the white family versus the black family. And typically,
of course there's anomaly situations. However, for the most part,
that's how they're starting. They're starting with that little extra edge,

(29:06):
whereas a black couple may have to be like, all right,
we're gonna move in together now, we're going to rent
this space until we can save up enough money for
a down payment for a home, you know, and also
you're gonna have to pay off the credit cards that
you used to pay for your wedding because and these
are not like we don't we always said we generalizations
are the devil's work. So we're not saying all white
people go for the all black people. What we're talking
about is why the financial wealth gap is the way

(29:28):
it is. And we're talking about the majority, the majority
or even people that we've experienced. That's definitely and when
we talk about these experiences, we're not guessing. We're talking
about stuff that we've seen. So and we both went
to we both went to Haustra. So we have friends
who are white, we are friends who are black. Codein
has done weddings for the past. It was like decades

(29:51):
and all of your all of your clients were not
black and were not white. But you saw how the
weddings went on both sides, extremely different, and how the
groom and bride were able to walk away with different
things on each side. Whereas I know, especially in our
in our culture black culture, people sometimes don't even know

(30:11):
to bring gifts to a wedding. You know, it's just
let me come celebrate with them. You know, they're going
a good party and they and it's like if you
don't get invited, you get piste off. But you know,
it's customary that you bring a gift and cover your plate.
That's customary for certain you know, for certain uh cultures.

(30:33):
And I mean it's not all black cultures, because in
African cultures they have huge weddings and the bride and
groom walk away with tons of money so that that
money spray. You know, you haven't seen it all doing
the weddings. You've seen it all. I've seen it all.
A good time. Cocktail hours usually my favorite too, I
will partake um. White families are twice as likely to

(30:54):
receive an inheritance as Black families, and that inheritance is
nearly three times as much. For families with an inheritance,
median white wealth is seven point five times larger than
for Black families. Comparatively, white families have five point four
times more wealth than Black families without an inheritance. Interesting

(31:18):
for most American families, home equity is their largest asset,
and homeowners are much wealthier than renters. Americans who own
homes in two thousand nineteen had a medium net worth
of two hundred and fifty five thousand dollars, more than
forty times the median net worth of renters, and in
two thousand nineteen, the typical white family had one and

(31:41):
eighty four thousand dollars in assets, while the typical black
family had only twenty three thousand dollars according to an
analysis by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis staggering.
But but I mean, if you think about it, it
makes sense, right when you think about slavery. Slavery is

(32:02):
a class system. Right, if you make slavery illegal, you
have to create a class system by a different name. Right,
So we start with gentrification, not that gentrification. We start
with redlining, right, Then we start with changing laws that
criminalized black people. Exam. And I know this may seem
like it's getting a little bit off topic, but just

(32:23):
human me for a minute. You start with the criminalization
of black people, right, So once reconstruction happens. We talked
about this in another podcast. But you have the the
movie Birth of a Nation that was played in the
White House, where you have a white man in black
face who runs around raping white women and the clue
klux Klient comes in and saves America from the big

(32:44):
bad black man that was just freed and slavery. Right,
that was a birth of a nation, and that's where
a lot of Southern whites got their pride from right,
this is that's when. So it's like, oh, we have
to be concerned about free black people. Now. Then you
have the Vagrancy Act of eighteen sixty six. Right, The
Vacancy Act of eighteen sixty six pretty much said that
if you can't read, write our own property and you

(33:06):
were homeless, then you were vagrant and that was punishable
by life in prison. Who can't read or write our
own property? Now that they're free slaves, So you have
four million, four million black people free. I think about
a million died over the time, of course during the
Civil War, but you have three million black people free
who couldn't read all right, because you wouldn't let them

(33:27):
read it write, and they didn't own property. So now
you have walking convicts that you can pretty much say, hey,
you're homeless, you can't read it write, Sorry, you have
to get into our convict program because now you're a vagrant,
and now you know what we can do with you.
We can put you in convict leasing. Convict leasing meant
that all prisoners get to work for the state. As
long as they are awards of the state, you get

(33:49):
to work for the state. So pretty much you have
all of these black people who after being freed, had
to go through the Vacancy Act of eighteen sixty six
convict lea seeing those that weren't considered convicts had to
deal with redlining, and even when they were able to
build their own cities, they were bombed like Tulsa, Oklahoma,
and just snatched away from them. And also a lot

(34:11):
of those those houses weren't even given insurance because the
government told insurance company not to ensure black homes. So
you have a hundred years of this cycle happening, and
you have people who have this mindset that as long
as I can work, make money and pay my rent,
I'm living the American dream. But you're paying rent to

(34:32):
who though who? You're paying rent to white families who
own the properties that you don't have the possibility to own.
But then black people still aspire to live the happy life.
So it's like, I want to have a big, huge
wedding like they have. I'll put it on credit cards.
Credit cards. You're paying the money back to banks at
ridiculous interest rates. Right. Oh, in order to be able

(34:53):
to live this life, I have to go to school
to get an education. Education course what now, anywhere between
a quarter to a half of million dollars for you
to get educated, to get a job that will get
coming out making forty dollars a year. So you spend
the most part of your life in debt, trying to
pay back the banks on credit cards, your banks for

(35:14):
your student loans, paying rents or your apartment, so you
don't have a large part of your life with the
ability to accrue assets, to own property to then pass
down to your children. Most people who lived who had
to live through that cycle, die in debt, and you
know what they passed down to their children, debt. That's
the truth people, it's it is a system. It is

(35:36):
not fair, but you have to know how the system
works and not get caught in the system. For example,
you and I were in that system for a little bit.
I made it to the NFL, Yes I did. I
made it to the NFL, but we lost a lot
of money in the stock market and we moved back
to Brooklyn Broke and at the time Kadine and I
had to property that we own, we were renting because

(35:57):
when we had the capital, we brought property. First thing
we did we were renting the people, so the property
were getting was getting covered for the most part, but
there were always things that happened when your own properties.
You and I both had jobs. We were working to
be able to pay rent and put food on the table,
but we were also putting money aside for our dreams.
The key here is the sacrifice, and this is what

(36:18):
I want to talk to people about. There were four
years in our marriage, the first four years where Kadina
and I didn't go on vacation. I turned in my car,
we took the train. We didn't buy no bags, no clothes,
no jewelry. For four years. Cosmetics that had you were
black because it was good because I'm like, as long

(36:40):
as it wasn't dingy, washed out black, we were all right.
And and that's how we lived for four years, to
save up every little last dollar, to continue to invest
in ourselves and not gonna lie. That was a very
difficult point, not just financially for us, but in our
marriage in general, because of just the strain and the
sacrifice and everything. Pretty much we weren't focused on each other.
And that's I think when we look back now, that's

(37:02):
the reason why we struggled so much. A large part
of why our marriage struggle. It wasn't for anything other
than the fact that we both were just nose down
in our fields at the time, trying to make ends
meet get out of that slump. But it also shows
you as possible, right, because what I want to employ
to people is that the system exists and that cycle

(37:24):
exists to keep a class of people down that they
can continue to work so that the rich can make
more money. But there are also things in place that
can help, right. So for example, Coaudin and I chose
not to send our kids to independent school. Our kids
went to public school. We got them tested, We put
them in the best public schools possible, right Coaudina and I,
when we first moved back, my grandmother was staying in
subsidized apartment. I said, yo, put me on the least Justina,

(37:47):
has I ever got to move back? And our rent
at the time was only two thousand dollars for that
huge apartment that we were living in. The subsidized rent
allowed us to save money. Are they even doing that
still now where you can put someone on the lease
for a long time if your grandfather then in New
York State, yeah can, yes, you can, Yes, you can
kind of touch and go. So make sure you know

(38:08):
that Now, if you're if you're starting a new lease,
a brand new lease, you can't. But if your grandparents
or your parents had a lease in a subsidized apartment
in New York City, they cannot up the rent but
so much percent every month, So I mean every year
or every lease. But when Canina I talked about capital
to invest, right, We're not talking about taking the money

(38:29):
you make and putting in the stock market. When I'm
talking about investing, I'm talking about investing in ourselves. Right.
So if Condina not, for example, made an additional two
thousand dollars every month, with that money that could have
went to paying a higher rent, or I could have
went to a car note, or could have went to
a bag or travel. We took that money and at
the end of six months, like we got twelve thousand dollars.

(38:49):
What can we need? Codine was like, well, I can
use some new brushes. I can do some makeup classes.
So let me invest in buying these brushes, Let me
invest in getting some Remember used to rent those rooms
to those makeup classes. You invest in yourself to make
more revenue. I did the same thing with the Jim.
I said, well, I'm making a little bit more extra
per month, let me hire another trainer. This way I

(39:10):
can take in more clients. So I think it's safe
to say that what we would decipher so far that
it's not enough just to have the property, to own
the property, to know that you're existing in the property,
or that the property is just there even if you're
not living in it. At some point you have to
decide when it's going to be beneficial for you to
potentially pull from that, sell it, or do something to

(39:31):
an advance and move on to another property, another investment, something.
So what are ways to kind of decipher that um
that you've experienced or have you seen. Well, the first
thing is it is understanding if you're getting the most
value out of the property, because most people want to
just live in the property because if you don't have
a mortgage. I think I think there's a stat that
says s people's pay checks go to where they're going

(39:53):
to live. So regardless of what type of job you have,
if you had more of your money to spend, you
just be living a better life. So some people look
at grandma's house is a way for them to just
make more money so they could spend it on stuff
that's frivolous, you know. So, Oh, I don't have a
mortgage because I live in my grandmother's house. So I'm

(40:15):
gonna buy a high end car that has a depreach,
that has a high depreciation value. I'm gonna buy more bags,
or I'm gonna go on more trips. But it's like
you're not helping yourself and you're not hoping Grandma move
the family forward just by staying there for free and
spending the extra money you have and giving it to
someone else. So I think it's important for you to say,
you know what, if we have people who are family

(40:37):
or family who are staying in grandma's house, how about
we just we're not gonna call it rent, right, but
we'll just pay a contribution to the asset. This way
we can continue to build on the asset. Because you
know what happens to assets when you live in it.
You don't pay nothing, It gets fucked up. People live
in the house, they tear it up, they sit on
the furniture, they're smoking it, they drinking, they do all

(40:59):
the sorts of stuff that does and help the property grow.
But how about we calling a maintenance fee and all
of the adults that live in this house that don't
pay no rent, you gotta pay. I'm saying, let's pay
a maintenance fee. This way we can keep the upkeep
of the house. So even if you're keeping the upkeep,
the value of the property continues to increase. There shouldn't
be multitudes of adults living in the property, but the

(41:21):
front yard is still not cleaned on a consistent basis,
and you're bringing down the property value. That's number one.
If you don't have family living in the property and
Grandma is not there anymore, but the property is just
sitting there. Now you have an assets that's not an
asset that's not generating any revenue. You should be renting
the property out or you know, depending on the city

(41:42):
you live in, because now they have so many regulations.
But you can air b and b the property and
make additional revenue. Like, there's so many ways that you
can make money off of these properties that are just
sitting there as opposed to just having it sit there
and nobody doing anything with it. Just remember whatever plan
you devise, just know that if it's an ear, be
and be Like recently in Atlanta, I heard that they

(42:02):
got rid of a ton of them, because if the
government ain't making no money off you, baby, they will
find a way or they will put the kabash in it.
So make sure you do you do do your due
diligence when you're trying to figure out what that next
step is gonna look like for you in your investment.
So I think those are some great tips, some great tricks,

(42:23):
things that we should just as a people be able
to advance, you know. And I'm excited about our generation
and the generations hopefully moving forward that this legacy building
that we talked about so often that seems so almost
really daunting or untouchable. I think this is a great
way to start and a great way to continue to
make our families proud. You know, my parents have a

(42:43):
property that now they were looking to possibly sell. This
was an investment property that they've had for years um
and then they realize, you know, what if I were
to sell this right now, ay, I may not get
the worth or what I think I should be getting
for it. And then the capital gains tax is something
that you have to pay back unless unless your parents,
like we did, put it in the trust. Yeah. I

(43:04):
was going to get to that. So yeah, so instead
of doing that, like they said, this was something that
they purchased UM with the hopes of being able to
pass it down to me, my brother and my sister,
and I told my dad to or actually you did,
you had the idea to tell him. You know what, Pop,
you've worked so hard you and mom have, you know,
worked hard to obtain this UM. You don't have to
wait until you're dead and gone for us too. Then

(43:26):
the benefits of it, there's so many different ventures that
we have now, different opportunities where we're like, yo, if
we had this capital right now, we can jump on
this investment, or we can you know, do this to
improve their property and then potentially make more money on
the back end with that, you know. So it's really
great to have those conversations. And I think our generation
needs to be the ones to educate our parents because

(43:49):
the tides have shifted to the point where our parents
were taking care of us and we're at that age
now where I feel like we're starting to take care
of our parents. That we're the ones that have to
kind of make sure that they're going to be okay
as they continue to age, which we hope gracefully and
without stress because we're here to help them do so.
So let's talk more about putting that money in a trust,

(44:09):
different ways that we can now capitalize off of the house,
the property, Grandma's investment. So what people need to understand
is that when your parents buy a property and they
pass the property to you, you're gonna have to pay
capital gains tax when you sell that right, which means
if your parents buy a property for dollars and the

(44:31):
property just grows to be a million, right, that's nine
thousand dollars worth of capital gains And it doesn't matter
it was your parents. And if your parents are gone,
you still have to pay capital gains tax if they
left the property to you, because they're not giving you
that whole nine eighties scot free at all. Not gonna happen.
But if you put it in the trust and the

(44:53):
trust keeps them as the beneficiary, keeps them as the
owners of the property, but you the beneficiary, now you
don't have to pay full capital gains tax thousand. I
think what happens is the property rolls over into what
the value of the property it would have been now
if they purchased it, so it wouldn't be considered the
full twenty so we'll still yeah, and I'm not I'm

(45:17):
not an expert in that, but I do know that
if you put it into a trust, that you don't
have to pay the full capital gains tax on all
of that property, which is important for people to know.
When you do have a property that's uh rental property,
you should put a trust or create a trust because
that also protects you from being sued if something happens
in the event, like you have properties in your name. Okay,

(45:37):
this is the void ellis property someone slips and folds
on the front lawn, they can sue the foul eleus,
you know, but if the properties in the trust inside
of and an LLC owns the trust, they can only
sue the LLC that the property's name is under. They
can't sue me personally, which is important for people to
know when you rent property. But so things we should
also consider before selling is the attachment to this place

(45:59):
based on anything other than emotions. Okay, because the death
of a family member always comes with emotional after effects,
but are your emotions enough to keep you financially tied
to the property. And we see this a lot. You
see this a lot, so and so lived here forever.
We never sell in this property, and no one looks
to do anything advantageous with the property. Or four people

(46:19):
just want to live there and they want to live
there for freeze so they don't have to pay rent,
or they can use whatever Monday have to go do
whatever frivolous things they want to do. And that's not
fair to the person who died trying to make sure
the property was staying in the family. So if it's
if it's just an emotional attachment and people are leeching
and mooching off of the property, it's time to move
forward for sure. Another thing to consider, do you have

(46:42):
the financial knowledge to manage the sale or maintenance of
the property. Like we discussed the truth is selling the
home or keeping it can create generational wealth for the family.
It's important to have financial education to help you understand
what the best choices for the family. So we'll give
you guys an example. Canine's parents bought property. They sold

(47:06):
two houses to pay for your education. Right, they have
one property left the one problem. They have two properties
left the problem, so one for education to pay for
you guys education. So you guys don't have any debt
from school, which is great. Which is one way you
see selling a property can help a family because if
you're selling the property and using the equity to pay

(47:27):
off um higher learning or education, your children, Yeah, they
your your parents invested in you, so your parents get
to graduate and not have any debt to pay back
for school. That's number one. Number two, your dad said,
I always wanted this building for my kids. I wanted
them to own it. In his mind, it was if

(47:47):
they own this building and they continue to rent it out,
they could split the monthly rent between the three of
you guys every month, And in his mind, that's what
he saw. But then we sat down and was just
like with dad, if you sell this property and you
give all of us the shares of the equity that
you had for us, we could all buy our own

(48:08):
separate properties and do the same thing you did. And
then for him it was like, oh, wait, you right right.
So rather than just sitting on it and all splitting
the rent from one property, you teach your children how
to do the same thing you did, and you use
the equity to duplicate that process. That's how you create
generational wealth. Now the family owns how many properties three

(48:30):
and then that three can turn into nine, and then
nine turns into twenty seven. And that's ultimately this is
what I do, And this is that's how you build
generational wealth. Can you imagine three generations from now, the
elyssis own over a hundred properties because every time, but
we have four kids, so that one will turn the four,
and the four return to sixteen and the sixteen to

(48:51):
sixty four. Like, that's that's what you do, that's what
you hope for, which leads me to the next point.
How will your decision effects the next generation? Will you
sell the house and old on money, cars, clubs, close
hose or will you use the money to pay off
a debt and invest in other income generating vehicles? And
this is this is an important part for families. We

(49:12):
have to do a better job of not relying on
schools to teach our kids. Right schools are not going
to teach our kids about true American history right now.
They call it critical race theory. And people are scared, right, Okay,
don't don't teach them that. I'm not worried about nobody
teaching my kids about history, because I'm going to teach
them right I'm also not just gonna teach my kids
at one plus one equals too. I'm gonna teach my

(49:34):
kids about equity taxes. I'll give them a greater financial
financial access to information. What does the bank account? What
does the savings account? What is an I RA? What
is the four O one? Kid? These are the things
that we need to teach our kids along with trades.
Because you may have a child that said I don't
want to go to college. Cool, you don't want to

(49:54):
go to college. Do you want to be an electrician?
Do you want to be a plumber? Do you want
to be a carpenter? But why should I do that? Well,
your dad owns a multitude of properties. Rather than me
paying someone else to do the work on the house
as we buy, how about you get a trade, you
learn how to do that work. You can use that
work as sweat equity to own your own properties within
the family. This way, I don't got to pay someone else.

(50:16):
But now you can fix up this house and get
paid by owning the property. Then start your own business
and do other properties. And and that's how you teach
your children exactly, that's how you teach your children. Because
if home ownership and land ownership is the number one
way to increase wealth in America. We should be teaching
our children how to own and flip homes, you know,

(50:38):
and any any other job is just a way for
you to get capital to do that. And then once
you know how to do that, your family will always
have money and they'll always have a place to stay.
You always hear about people all have money in real
estate properties. A lot of people the Brich just people
I know in the world, and I know a lot
of people now being in this industry. I always ask them,
like Soul, So how do you how did you make

(50:59):
money just entertainment? I mean, I started the entertainment, but
I make a lot more of my money now in
real estate. They all say that it doesn't matter if
it's Tyler Perry or Draymond Green, or it doesn't matter
what form of entertainment or athlete or finance person. They
always say like Balau. Balau started a black rock, but
now he owns property. Can you afford to keep the property?

(51:21):
If you keep the property, how will you use it?
Will it be an investment property? Can you afford the
taxes and expenses left with it? So this is the
craziest part. Right when I was working at pact plex
Um and I was working with working at pact plex
at the gym. Right um, that family that owns pact
plex a guy by the name of earth Landau. His
family owns a bunch of models, and he and rich

(51:45):
Rich Marshall, who owns pac plex Um, they both said
to me, you know, there's no property should be anything
but an investment property. Even the home you live in
should be an investment property. And I was just like,
make like, just make it makes sense a real quick
And it was just like, even though home you live
in has equity, if it if it is considered capital,

(52:05):
or consider something the value of an asset. If you
see an advantage where you can make money, move m h.
And I was like, just move like that. He's like,
there's so many places to live in the world. Like, okay,
say say you let's say you're living in a house
where you can gain six million dollars in equity by
selling it overnight to someone. You're telling me that that's
six million dollars. You can't find another dream home that

(52:28):
you want to live in. And when he started saying that,
it made sense even when we sat down to speak
to Envy. Right, we we sat down and everybody knows
when it comes to money and flipping property and learning
how to be a business person, DJ Envy does not
hold back on that information. If you ask questions, he'll
give you all the information you need. All he ever

(52:49):
asked is that you do your research and if you
want to learn, you come with him. He's like, you
can make money on anything from watches two cars. So
he said, I have no sentimental value to any object
other than my kids and my wife. Those are the
only objects that are like physical objects that to me
have no value. Everything else has a value. And if

(53:10):
the value that you can get from it is more
than what you put into it, move on and make
it a business transaction. And if you start to think
like that, that's how you're able to accrude more assets
and be able to do more things for your family.
As opposed to saying, oh, well, I grew up in
this house, I can't sell it. If it's advantageous for
you to sell a house and move on, move on.

(53:31):
If you decide to sell, do you sell it as
it is or do you fix it? At first? It
may be expensive if the property needs expansive repairs, but
if you sell it as is, you don't want to
expect a big buyout. So that that all just depends
on the situation you're in. Depends on how much equity
you have in a home. For example, say you have
a home that your parents bought in the nineties. For

(53:53):
now the home is valued at six hundred thousand, So
now you have three hundred thousand dollars worth of equity
just on what your parents bought it. But also your
parents have been paying off on the mortgage. So say
they've been in the house for fifteen years and now
you know they paid off one fifty, So now the
mortgage loan is one fifty, but the house can sell
for six hundred. Now you have four hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. Right, There's so many ways, like say, say

(54:15):
you don't have the capital to fix it up, take
out a home equity loan. Take out a hundred thousand dollars,
make the house immaculate. Now you have two hundred and fifty,
but it's six hundred thousand. Get the house real praised
that six hundred thousand goals to eight hundred thousand, So
now you just made an additional fifty thousand my pulling
out that loan. There's so many ways for you to
use the equity that's in the property to make more

(54:37):
money that it really just depends on your financial situation.
Find out how much equity you have in the property,
find out how long it's gonna take for you to sell,
and then make your decisions based on that. If it
costs you more money to fix it up, don't fix
it up. If fixing it up it's gonna make you
more money on the sale, fix it up. How many
times we've been into the houses looking for some recently
and you can see, all right, so they really did

(54:58):
some cheap upgrade. It's the surface level make this look good,
but you know they didn't really do the good stuff,
and it's just to get rid of this house. Will
with that, okay? But I get it because as a
person who's owning a home wanting to sell, sometimes you
gotta do what you gotta exactly. And lastly, how will
you pay the inheritance tax? When the owner of the

(55:20):
property dies, the property's value is stepped up to the
fear market value on the day they die, rather than
when it was acquired. So if you sell, you will
be required to pay taxes on any gain on sales
and excess of the current market value which you discussed.
So there you go. So typically what happens is if
you sell, a portion of the money you sell has

(55:41):
to be put aside to pay taxes. So if you
get four hundred thousand dollars from selling a home, just
expect those property gain taxes to be about hundred thousand
and a hundred thousand of that four hundred. Don't go
and spend the quick four hundred, put down away in
an account and say this is my tax account. Period.

(56:01):
Whenever you sell the property, take away put it in
an account to say this is my tax account. So
I know I'm going to have the money to pay
capital gains tax. Look at you, just a wealth of
knowledge overflowing and bubbling like Jesus love. I love it
all right, y'all, So we are going to take a

(56:22):
quick break. Um. Let that's sinking for y'all. I hope
you were taking some notes, um, and we're gonna get
into y'all's notes because you'll be sending us love notes
in the form of listener letters that we're gonna get
into after some ads are paid. All right, stick around,

(56:49):
All right, we're back with listener letters. Let's dive right in.
Good afternoon to Valin Cadeine. I hope all is well.
I'm a huge fan of your videos and just bought
tickets to your show and we'll see you there. I
cannot wait, y'all. You have no idea like I'm itching
to get back live on stage to interact with you all.
So we are super excited. Thanks for getting your tickets.
Congratulations on baby boy Dakota. I'm in desperate need of advice.

(57:12):
My husband and I have two beautiful children and a
third on the way. I think my husband doesn't have
any connection to our son or with our son. Rather,
he has a great connection and bond with our daughter,
but when it comes to our son, it's a different
ball game. Our son is eleven months old and we
have another baby boy on the way. Usually when he
comes home from a long day's work, sometimes he'll walk

(57:33):
past our son give our daughter a big giant hug. Also,
times when I would ask him to give our son
a bath, he only is halfway attentive to him. He's
a great dad and a great husband and provider. I
don't want to seem like I'm discrediting him in any way,
but I just don't know what to do. Is there
any advice that you can give him to help develop
a deeper connection and bond with our son. I think

(57:55):
I know kind of what this is. I don't know
how old your daughter is. But Devo literally says like
he really doesn't have much to do with the boys
until they're a little bit older to kind of be
thrown around interacting with him, um, you know, um till
he can say, Dad, I got to use the bathroom,
like what the baby baby phases of things. You're not

(58:15):
super doughty. I feel like as a dad with all
the boys, I mean, you were hands on with Jack
because you had to be, because you know I was.
We were in a different petition, and he was the first.
He was the first, and then with Cairo and Kas.
I do talk to him a lot like I am
an attentive father. No you are, But I'm just saying

(58:36):
in terms of like being super doughty when they're that age.
I mean, when you think about it, I used to
make all the videos with the kids when they were
at age eleven months, Like I used to make videos
in the morning with the videos. Yeah, but I'm just
saying on a day to day basis, when it's like
the runnings of things having to do with the kids,
like right now pretty much with Dakota, for example, my
mom and I do a lot of the you know, backtimes,

(58:57):
diaper changes, feedings and all that. But and of course
you're there if we need. You know, what I'm saying
is in the past, I had to do that because
your mom wasn't living with us, right, So if it's
just them too there and then her mom doesn't, it's
not living with them, so when she's not doing it,
somebody has to do it, right. I don't feel they
need to do it as much with Dakota because he
has a primary care person who's here all the time.

(59:19):
But if your mom wasn't here then it would be.
But we kind of no choice, that's what And that's
what I'm saying, Like when you think about the first
three boys, I had no choice, you know what I'm saying.
But with Dakota, someone is there to care for him.
There's not much I can do now, you know, he
just got to be clean fed, And but I feel
like to like you even your brother, your dad. They

(59:39):
all pretty much say, like, y'all like to be more
hands on with the boys or the kids in general
when they're a little older, because that's just when you
can they can interact with you. So for example, if
you bypassed bypasses the son to go to the daughter,
it may be because she can communicate and interact a
bit more. Same much, but still I'm not gonna walk
past my baby to another kid, Like I'm just like,

(01:00:01):
I'm not gonna act like that's a normal don't do that.
So I don't know what that's about unless he's one
of those dudes where it's like, this is my son,
like he's gotta be tough, you know. I remember when
I first had Jackson. I was in that he got
to be tough phase. That was my first son. And
then as I got older and I realized that I
need to spend more time hugging him and kissing them

(01:00:21):
and show him that I love him and that will
give him the confidence to be tough. But sometimes dad's
gotta learn that, and maybe that's something he has to
learn first son. Like I felt like because I was
I was way more I would say aggressive and distant,
with Jackson as far as like if he fell, get up,
you know what I'm saying. But then I did learn

(01:00:43):
over time that their confidence and toughness is comes from
them knowing someone got their back, not from them having
to figure stuff out on their own, because then that
lost feeling feeling can make you feel small, and that's
when you I used to watch Jackson like shrink a
little bit. I used to be like, why are you shrinking?
Like I got you? I'm right here. How does he
know that I'm here? If I keep telling him to

(01:01:04):
get up on his own? See what I'm saying. We
learned that with Jackson. But if you look at Jackson
now over the past couple of years, like recently you
took him to camp, dude just got out the car
like all right later, Man, That wasn't Jackson when he
was early on, Jackson was always looking. And I realized
the more I hold his hand and hug him and

(01:01:25):
kiss him and be like, yo, you know I got you.
And then when he falls, let him know like y'all
see you four, I seen you, fo get up now?
As opposed to ignoring him, because I thought ignoring him
would teach him, you know self, motivation. I got up
on my own instead. Now it's more like, yo, I
saw you four. I know it hurts, but you gotta
get up. You want me help you up. The confidence

(01:01:47):
he gets from knowing that I'm there is now like, no,
I got it on my own. And I think maybe him,
as a first time dad to a boy, it's gonna
take him some time to learn that. That's that's really
what I think. Yeah, that's very possible for sure, because
eleven months is still I mean, baby, it's probably walking now,
we're about to be walking, and I think it'll only
get better as you get older. Yeah, that's I see Dakota,
and I still grab them and give them up. You know,

(01:02:10):
you know I love you, and I give him back
to me me because there's not much I can do.
But I'm not especially when you have three other kids pulling.
But y'all were super cute this morning when I had
to drop Jackson into camp and me we went to
tennis and you Dakota in the bed all cuddled up.
I have some of my best pictures. So my best pictures,
I feel like with you and Dakota, or just in
general with the kids, or me getting shots with you
and him in the bed in the morning together, but

(01:02:30):
you need something crazy. And I actually thought about this
this morning. Right the minute Mimi walked out the door,
the Coda started screaming, Right, And I made a choice,
and I made the choice before and I'm not going
to just pick him up and walk him around, so
you know what I did. But I just sat next
to him rub is back while he was screaming, and
then after a while he just was looking at me

(01:02:51):
and then stopped. He just stopped. But the thing is,
kids train you as much as you think you're training.
The kids train you and his mom. If I scream,
someone's gonna pick me up and walk me around. Right.
I've never went through that with the other boys because
no one walked them around when they were not young.
So with the Koda, he's going to have to learn that,
you know. When I'm with my dad, yeah, I'm not

(01:03:13):
gonna be works like the second time I think that
y'all had been in the bed together where he's been
awakened and the combing and both y'all a sleep, Like,
how did you do that so easy? Because and it's
still the thing too when he walks in the room
when you walk in the room, Dakota will hear you
and his head is like he's breaking. They all do
that since they're like newborns, even a couple of days old.
They're looking at me talking to that stomach. Yeah, it's
that bond there. So hopefully you guys will figure things

(01:03:35):
out as a family together. I wonder if she's also
expressed this to her husband too. Yeah, I think she should.
I think you should express what you noticed because he
may also he may not realize he's doing it, or
he may tell you I'm doing that for and then
you can discuss, you know what you think the effects
of that will be, for sure are Good luck to y'all.
Number two, Hey, Codeine and Devil. I am a longtime

(01:03:56):
fan and a faithful Deadass listener. Thank you so much.
I love you both. My X and I were in
a three year relationship and I broke up with him
because he cheated. Fast forward three years later, we reconnected
again and have been dealing dating around each other for
about six months. We get along so well, this chemistry.
We're making future plans. We communicate well. When we started
talking again, we agreed that we will not be seeing

(01:04:17):
or talking to other people on the side. I asked
him multiple times if he was seeing someone else, and
he always said no. Turns out that he is speaking
to someone else, and I lost all trust in him.
He tells me that he is no longer speaking to her,
and then I am the only one he wants to
build a future with, and he's going to prove that
to me. I love this man with all my heart,
and aside from his infidelities, he's a great man. He
motivates me to be better. I love his personality and

(01:04:38):
everything about him. I can go on and on about
all the great things he brings to me. How do
I move forward? How can I and still trust in
him again? Or you need to still trust You don't
need to trust him, trust yourself. I'm afraid that he
may strike again and speak to other women on the side.
How do I know he stopped speaking with her. Your
advice is highly important to me. You may not know this,

(01:05:01):
but the two of you are my relationship counselors. Hellow up,
just as all order. I don't like being relationship counselors.
I can tell you this though. Um. The first thing
I would tell you to do is to block out
all the noois. I know that you're getting plenty of
advice and plenty of things you should or should not
do from people outside. You know this man, This man

(01:05:23):
knows you. Okay. Um, when someone shows you who they are,
trust them the first time. That's number one, Okay, number two.
Only you can make a decision of whether or not
you're tired of trying to be of service to someone
or letting someone try to be of service to you.
The reason why I say that is because there's these

(01:05:44):
old sayings that say, you know, you can't teach an
old dog new tricks or want a cheater always a cheater.
And I know firsthand from some of my boys that
that's not always true, because I do have boys that
used to be wild and then they're just like, I
don't want to do this no more. So that's not
always true. But it depends on your patience level and
the level of respect that you think he has for you,

(01:06:05):
and only you know you know, so realistically we can't
tell you. But what we can tell you is that
if you feel uncomfortable in the situation, and that uncomfortable
uncomfortability comes from a lack of trust, there's only but
so long you can take that before you start to
project the fact that you don't trust him on him,
and it's going to be an issue for the two
of you because even if he's trying his hardest and

(01:06:27):
he's not cheating anymore, and you don't trust him and
you have insecurities because you don't trust him, that's going
to be frustrating to him. Yeah, that's what I was
gonna say that the insecurities, um and that lack of
trust is probably the biggest thing that jumps out at
this today because say he does hang up the towel
and he said, you know what, it's me and you
are you always going to be wanting to look over

(01:06:48):
his shoulder? Are you going to be questioning when he
questioning him when he says he's someplace, wondering if he's
someplace else? And the fact of the matter is that
these infidelities that he's had, we're all choice is that
he's made. He was deliberate in those choices. We don't
personally their choices. So anything that we've had in the
past and our issues, even you know, we've always said,

(01:07:09):
we made that choice, and you own up to that choice.
And then it's up to the other person to decide
based off of that choice and how it's made me feel.
Is this something that I want to continue moving forward
with knowing that it could possibly happen again, because why
people are human and people make their choices. Um, But
I think the bigger issue is moving past this. If
that's something that you guys decide to do. I'm just

(01:07:30):
concerned about where your level of trust is going to
be for him. It won't be instilling trust on him again.
It's you having the trust. But you're gonna laugh. But
Zack and Karen sisters, and I'm gonna tell you, and
I'm gonna tell you why Zach used to cheat on
Karen all the time, Right, Karen had a little side

(01:07:53):
or whatever, but that was pretty much in reation Zach
being immature. Zack decided that he wanted to try to
be the man that he thought he could be for Karen.
Karen decides that's not good enough. I want to see
things with Aaron, So Zax is fine. Zach moves on

(01:08:13):
with Fatima. Now Karen sees Zack being the man that
she wanted with Fatima, and she can't even accept Zach.
I mean, she can't even accept Aaron because she wants
the version of Zach that Fatima's getting. The reason why
I say that is because of this. I don't know
how old you are. I don't think that you said it.
But if you already discredit this man as someone who

(01:08:36):
can't possibly get right, and and you love him, and
you listen to other people, and he goes on and
becomes the man that you wanted for someone else, you're
gonna be heartbroken, and you're gonna sit there and have
resentment towards whatever man comes at you next, and resentment
to whatever friends are telling you to move forward. So
but I say it you because you're the one who

(01:08:59):
has a choice is to make need to make this
choice based on how you feel and what you want.
If you want to continue to give it a try,
as long as he's not being disrespectful and he's not
putting your health or your or any or your mental
health in jeopardy, you continue to try to see if
you guys can be of service to each other. But
don't quit now. If you want to quit, and then

(01:09:22):
watch him be somebody, be something to somebody else that
you wanted and beset. You know what I'm saying, Like like, no,
it's the truth though, like there is a chance that
he may really be at that point, but only you
will know. And I think you say, you know what,
I've done this as far as I can. I can't anymore.

(01:09:42):
If you're still feeling like I think I can keep
giving it a try, I would say give it a try,
but you have to keep an eye have to keep
an eye open, because if he's continuing to exude the
same behavior he existed exuded before and you continue to
say it's okay, I'm gonna keep trying, yeah, you could
also be letting him believe that it's okay. There you go,

(01:10:04):
it's all right. So realistically it's up to you when
you when enough is enough, it's enough, walk away, or
if you realize that he's really figured it out, hopefully
you guys can be happy together and you can decide
that internally, because if you evolve too many people, too
many friends, then you might be over it and they
won't be. Yes, do not involve anybody else in your
relationship for sure? All right? If you want to be

(01:10:25):
featured as one of our listener letters, email us at
dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E.
A D A S. S A D V I C.
E at gmail dot com. All Right, moment a truth?
Time to sell or not to sell Grandma's house? Moment
of truth? I think mine is pretty straightforward. Do not
rely on emotions when it comes to making financial and

(01:10:49):
business decisions. They may give you an inkling on what
you may or may not be able to do or
should do, but that should not be the sole determining factor.
If it's going to be a situation where moving a
word with a rational mind means advancement for you, yourself,
your family, your legacy, I agree. I agree that kind

(01:11:10):
of goes along with mine, my mom own. The truth
is as simple as this. The power and the value
of the property is not in the building. It's in
the asset. So if you can utilize that asset to
create more assets, the power is always in the asset,
not in the building. Sitting in the building and thinking
the building has the power is going to do you

(01:11:31):
a disservice. Lastly, if it's a family issue, the person
who has invested the most money into the property and
has been responsible enough to maintain the property should be
the person with the deciding vote. And and that and
there's nothing. This is non negotiable. Do not let family

(01:11:54):
members who do not invest time, blood, sweat, prince capital
anything into a property to tell you it ain't fair
because of X y Z. If you did not put
in on this man, you cannot get in on this
man period period. Alright, y'all, and be sure to follow
us on social media period um dead ask the podcast

(01:12:17):
and I'm cad, I am and I'm devout, and if
you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review
and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart
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