February 7, 2024 • 59 mins
2024 is going to be a big year for Devale. He's turning 40 in April and want to end his thirties with a bang! But what does that mean? In this episode, Devale discusses how he's preparing for his 40th year. Dead Ass.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I turned twenty five this year, y'all.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
For the fifteenth time. Yep, dead ass, baby, I can't
wait to welcome you to the forty forty club. It's
Lyddy over here.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Oh hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
With our boys and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philosof to our whole new.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Level dead ass. Start right now, story time.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
This story will take y'all back to August twenty twenty three.
I'm playing scout team quarterback for Jackson's football team. Little
kids start talking shit, so I automatically go into competitive
dad mode, getting outside until the offensive line don't even
(01:26):
block the edge rushers. I'm gonna get outside of them
so they don't block the edge rushers. I got on
my ear maxes on the turf. It's a little slippery.
I don't care because I'm in competition mode. Snap comes,
Why lady, why lady? Catch the ball? Boom? First edge
(01:47):
rusher comes. If I'm not as I juped him, he fell.
What I didn't know what that moment was that he
took my MCL with him. So after I did, I
went to explode and it was no more ass left.
I started running and my leg immediately gave out. They
(02:09):
like they're looking at me, like coach the vale, what happened?
I said, stop, stop, started, it's too much huther. Go
back to the huddle, go back. I immediately called in
the other quarterback, which is a twelve year old kid,
and I say, you don't run this play. So I'm
standing on the side right. So the jackson comes over
the dad you all right? But yeah, yeah, why he
goes Your knee is swollen. O, my knee has swollen up.
(02:30):
Man big I was on the spot started swowing up
on the spot. So I was a little bit nervous,
but I can't show the nerves to the kids. So
go home that night, get in the cold top, put
some ice on my knee. At this point, my mind
is still saying you twenty five divide, You'll be all
right for my body. When I woke up the next morning, man,
(02:55):
my knee was the size of a watermelon. Yes, and
it's in that way since it is now January and
my knee still so.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I used to call you Wolverine because you used to
heal fast. But uh, you know, when you approach the
top of the roller coaster and we're about to fall
down to the other side. Baby long, you don't.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Got to describe. You don't got to describe forty like that.
You don't have to describe for it. This is very,
very wrong. Okay, my knee is taken a lot longer
to heal. I am back now.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
You are back.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
I am back now. But I will say though for
all of the end of twenty twenty three, man, I
was limping. Bro I ain't never experienced this in my
life ever ever, So my knee was jacked up. My
body was saying, welcome to forty karaoke.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, you got something for us today.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I'm gonna take it back to the old school.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh how old is it? Forty years old?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
The song? Maybe forty? Matter of fact, this song is
older than forty.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh is it?
Speaker 1 (03:56):
I feel good?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Get it? I knew that I would none ran under.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I feel and you know that I would so good,
so good I got of you.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
It's the moves for me.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
My ney really just got sore again, just doing.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Nothing careful now because it's under armor with the shorts
to me today to get up.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Let me tell you that up is cute. Earlier I
heard me telling you telling them, don't let case, don't
let them shame k into putting on makeup. I don't
give a ship no more. I'm at forty. I'm putting y'all.
I'm doing this and exactly what I was gonna wear today.
Because I was about to go to the gym. I
had to come and do the podcast. I'm not putting
on no clothes. K rubbing my knee, Sure you all right,
(04:50):
I'm good, keep rubbing my knee. Go ahead to stop
this podcast.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Let's go, Let's go pay some bills, take a break
and get you a little knee rub and then we'll
come back. Talk about your approach the downwards. It's I'm
over here. I'm over here, money, pay bills, We'll be back. Yo,
(05:15):
you're you're like that whole story time was hilarious to
me because you still to this day challenge all these kids.
But I will get the challenge me.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
I don't challenge them. They challenge that.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
It's true, but I will get you. You'll be holding
your own against these little young bucks. Okay, you have
for years, for years? What made it different this time around?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Though?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
You probably didn't even warm up or anything.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I didn't warm up, didn't have one, yes, I didn't.
It was a little rainy, so the you know, the
turf was a little bit slippery. It was a lot
of things, a lot of elements, a lot of variables
that added to the fact that I slightly tore my
m c L but or sprained my m CL.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And the self diagnosis too for me.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
When you've been an athlete as long as I've been
an athlete, you understand what pain is, and you know
you're also studying exercise physiology. I know the body, so
I was like, it's the inside of my knee. It
only hurts when I do this movement. Right here. I
can still go up and down the stairs. I can
still squat and run. It's just sore when I do
lateral movement. That's an MCL.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I couldn't believe it when you hit me that day.
I was out on the road and you hit me
with the if you swing past a pharmacy or whatever,
let me get a little ben gay, little icy hot.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
I did not say stock stop compression knee gentlemen, let
me tell you come home with like four different competitives. Capping.
She's capping. I never asked for ben gay or icy hot.
She's capping. But this is the difference and when men
become older or when they become older. When Kadeen was
turning forty, did you hear how I was bigger her baby,
you look great. I wanted to empower her to feel better.
(06:54):
I'm turning forty. She lying, you needed Ben Gay? You dying.
It's a downward slope the road, little coasters off the track. Ah,
y'all hear the difference this, No, no, no, I'm glad you'll
hear the difference in how I support her and empower
her and then what I get. So go ahead, keep
lying that, keep lying story.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And talking about forty I talked about all the things
that are on the downward tick. Keep lying, Okay. All
I'm saying is that I couldn't believe it when you
called me and I said I had to bring all
the stops, the ben Gate, the icy I never asked
for ben Gate, asked for it, but didn't. I didn't
use it.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
I wanted to, didn't bring.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I wanted to be Seve.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Asked you for a sleeve, so she went and got
the copper fit. So now I'll put the copper fit on.
And Jackson see the copp talking about some Oh you
got the Jemmy Rice two thousand on? It should hurt
my heart, bro.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I said to what he said, you know you got
the Jemmy Rice two thousand joints? Did Jemmy Rice Brett
fav joint? Did they be having in the commercials when
they be on the farm playing it? I said, Yo,
I know what's commercial he's talking about too, because I
remember seeing them in that commercial being like those is
my idols growing up for football, and now they're all.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Here playing on a farm with regularly dude, the sleep
with the sleeve and the back joint. Because Jerry had
the back joint on his lower back.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
That's the back joint for you in your lower back.
Because we've been going to the chiropractice, we've been stretching,
and we've been juicing and taking care of ourselves. Shall
hear her talking, We're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You talking like I'm seventy five years old. We even
I've been taking you to the chirocter. Fact that we've
been juicing, and we've been doing a drinking, the tumor
ic and the gym just shots.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
In the moment. We've not been doing it.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Yes, but why you got to talk like this when
you're saying talking like a slave. We we's gonna go
get better today. We's you coming upon forty?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Y'all hear me sound like that? We wanted to take
I didn't not sound like that.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
See how she make fun of me for turning forty,
But when she was turning forty, I was like, you,
glamorous baby, you look better than ever.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And I think you look better than ever too. But
what we're gonna talk about is you know your approach
to forty, what that's looking like for you, and I
just want to age gracefully with you. We're gonna do
this stick to being fly the entire way from forty
to fifty, to sixty to seventy to eighty to.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I can imagine you talking about me turning turning, talking
about me turning forty. I can't imagine what you're gonna say. Then.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It wasn't even just you. I said it in my
podcast when I talked about turning forty, I said, did
I talk about the roller coaster, y'all run the tape bag.
I talked about being at the top of the roller coaster,
and it's just like that slope down I think, And.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
I said, no, don't do that to yourself. Do not
do that to yourself. You know there's no roller coaster.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Take them for you to your fingers.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
No roller coaster. We still a baby.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
No roller coaster, Yes damn. But you know what's even
worse is the facts and stats that Triple put in
here for you. Number One, heart disease is more prevalent
in men over forty and can be fatal. To talk
about the talk about forty, you talking about me feelings
making you feel some kind of.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Way, Triple did this. Triple ain't talk about death at
all in yours. She talked about your libido. She's talking
about for me is fatal? She talking about something forty
your libido, Well, for me, I'm gonna die.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Increase libido and wait, okay and hear loss.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Definitely was experiencing that.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Health professionals recommend that men over forty take a conscious
or make a conscious effort to engage in stress reduction
and management practices to improve their heart health. Baby, So
my increased libido will help with your stress decrease.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
That's what I'm talking about. Now we're getting the problem.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
This is this is ellis math.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
No, this is what Trubu said, that that stress reduction
and management practices need to improve in order for my
heart health to maintain the standard.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Right, So with my increased libido and your stress decrease,
by way of that, Viya.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
I should be living a lot longer.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Some baby, we're gonna be living forever at this rate.
You know what I'm saying. Testosterone decreases about one percent
every year after the age of forty fifty. Men ages
forty to forty nine experience occasional sexual dysfunction because of this,
You know, why not devour ever in life? I don't
ever think I'll ever see a decrease in your testosterone. No.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
You know why, Why because I work out every day
that on these red tights. And here's gentlemen, I don't
just do.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
I'd be tired, y'all.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
I don't do industry friendly workouts. When I say industry
friendly workouts or workouts that you'll see like go to
the gym and do this to you know, stay in shape,
which is get on the treadmill for an hour. Those
workouts do not increase your testosterone. You know what workouts
increase your testosteron. This is a scientific This is a
(11:45):
scientific fact. When you squat, when you deadlift move heavyweight,
that's a boost of your testosterone because it takes a
lot of energy, a lot of your testots are on
to push that heavyweight. So men who continue to dead life,
if squad do explosive movements sprints, continue to keep their
testosterone high because you need testosterone to rejuvenate those muscles
(12:07):
that are being broken down. A lot of men when
they turn thirty like, oh I can't do these exercises
no more. I'm gonna get old, So they stop doing
those movements. They stop deadlifting, they stop squatting, they stop
bench pressing, they stop doing muscle ups, they stop doing
all of the things that young men do, and in turn,
it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You turned yourself into
an old man by stop doing what young men do.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
So because I squat and deadlift, can that be the
testosterone production that's giving me these chin heres? I'm making
this mustache so stubborn to get lasered away, y'all? Is
it the testosterone in women too?
Speaker 1 (12:40):
I don't think it works like that. There's a ton
of testosterone that's already in my body that continues to increase.
It doesn't work that way for women. And I'm not
even gonna joke about that because women used to think like,
if I lift weights, I'm gonna look like a man. No,
you won't.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You won't.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
You won't because K lifts all the time heavy and
all the time heavyweight, particularly on the the lowers. But no,
in all, honestly though, I continue to live like I'm
twenty five. Yeah, so that I can keep my testa
too hot, because not only do I want to be
here for you sexually, and I know that that becomes
an issue for people in this age range man turns forty,
his libido starts to drop. Woman turns forty, her libido
(13:14):
goes up. And I was like, yo, what you're doing,
Like you been chasing me all these years and now
I'm chasing you. And dudes like I don't know how
to keep up the way you can keep up. Number one,
continue to lift weights and do sprints. Don't go to
the gym and just get on the treadmill. Don't do that,
go go there. Walk or leisurely walk. Yeah, and walking
can be part of your workout. For example, I walk
for thirty minutes before I start my workout. I get
(13:37):
my heart flowing, I get the blood pump, and I
get my legs warmed up. Then after I walk, I
lift my heavyweights. After I'm done lifting my heavyweights, I
sprint for like ten minutes ten seconds on fifty seconds
off high incline. I go as hard as I can,
only for ten reps. And that just keeps my body
like moving, like rejuvenates.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I've heard of that chain reaction that some men do
experience when you have chronic ailments diseases for example, like
high blood pressure. So it's like a almost like a
self fulfilling prophecy because you're going to be dealing with
high blood pressure issues, which is probably a result of
not working out the way you used to or might
have when you were younger, then having to get on
medication for that that then, yep, causes erectile dysfunction or
(14:16):
any other kind of disease. And then men are inclined
to not take those medications because it then interferes with
their sex life. So really, just trying to maintain that
healthy lifestyle going into your forties is what's most important.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
I'm glad you brought that up, because that is actually
a real thing. Most men fear going to the doctor
because the doctor is going to put them on medication.
That medication will then prevent them from being able to
do the one thing that they want to do, which
is be intimate with their partner. So they say, fucking
I'm not going to the doctor and I'll just ignore it.
And I've lost family members that way. I've lost close
(14:50):
people to me in their fifties who went to sleep
one night, woke up, We went to sleep one night
and never woke up and their wife, and the wife
was like, you had the medication, all the medications in there,
and he didn't want to take it and that comes
from heart disease. But the biggest thing is not getting
to that point right. Another thing that can and I
have been talking about a lot recently, which is funny
(15:12):
because I went today, is juicing. Juicing. There's so many
healing factors and natural fruits and vegetables that I think
has come to a point now where we have to
start stop ignoring the fact that the foods that we eat,
even if it's organic, it's not healthy for us.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
My dream is to like leave here and go on
an island and just have a big farm and do
everything my own, because it's ridiculous. And it's funny because
one of the facts that we kind of kind of
spoke into, men are less likely than women to go
to the doctor every year after age forty. Men have
seen an increase in diabetes in high cholesterols. So it's
(15:54):
important to get that yearly blood work. You're actually going
to go soon for you.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
You're on top of me with that stuff because my
mind typically doesn't go there. But like you discussed before,
every year you go get your paps, fear and pap smere.
Now you have to go get a mammogram. You're really
on top of your health, and you make sure that
it's important to me to stay on top of my house.
Oh yeah, I like to be proactive instead of reactive.
I don't ever want to go to the doctor in here.
I have a problem and try to fix it. So
(16:19):
over the past year, it's gonna hurt me so much
because y'all know I've cut eaten beef.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
I thought he was really gonna have an emotional moment.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
I was like, wait what, I'm a Southern boy, I
cut pork. I'm from New York. It's been seven months.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
I haven't had a bager nigga cheese. No, you're for real.
You haven't though, dead ass, y'all. And since I learned
about my egg allergy, like, I haven't been having eggs.
So the bacon, egg and cheese, Like.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I haven't had a bacon, egg and cheese.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It likes seven months with the bev bev you know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Eat it in the morning Asai bowls.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Yo doval. Literally every morning, I'm my baby, what do
you want to have for breakfast? I'm so used to
getting in the kitchen and frying up some bacon and
eggs and all that assieh bowls, y'all, here's the portanola
and vegetables, I mean fruits.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
My street, my street, rep. It's just going down. I really,
let me get a bowl with spinach and.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Granola and enjoying it, enjoying it. So sad, don't be sad.
Be happy that you're feeling good, that you're feeling better.
It's even a thing where the boys are now, Like
Jackson was just eating in a cye bowl for breakfast.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yes, what, here's here's here's the truth.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It's the kids see.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
It without joking because I like to entertain and make
people laugh. But here's the truth. You know how we
say things are hereditary? Yeah you know what you know
runs in the family. You know, oh well that's in
your blood. Is gonna have no you know what's hereditary
watching your parents do stuff and repeating the behaviorct I
told the boys two weeks ago, we have a new model,
the new Ellis model. Right, we won't always do what
(18:11):
we want because we will always do what we have to.
And it was like, what you mean? I said, guys,
you are young men, your boys not but your young men.
As young men, you have to understand that in life
you will not always be able to do what you
want to do because you are required to do what
you have to do, and sometimes what you have to
(18:32):
do doesn't fall in line with what you want to do,
and you have to get used to doing that. And
I told him right before we were eating dinner, and
I said, look, that broccoli not gonna taste like them cookies.
Spinach is a super fool. Daddy loves spinach. It's not
gonna taste like the candy that you eat. But I
have to eat it. Y'all want me to be here
for y'all, right, And they were looking at me like yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Especially Kirol. Cayrol was locked in. He was like, what
I got to do because he's my one kid. Whenever
I saw taste spinach, that poor baby be gang and
like a motherfucker because he hates the I think it's
a texture thing for him. So what I ended up
doing with Cairo instead is that I give it to
him raw, like just straight out of the package, you know,
wash it, and.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Don't ever give anything to my son. Row. Okay, how about.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
That, iggy, how about that You're so annoying, But I
give it to him that way because I'm like Okay,
at least he can still stay you know, you're still
geting your spinach in, right, but we can make it
different ways, right.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So yeah, and ever since then, Jackson, Cairo, Caaz, they
just like bought in. They bought in. Like they go
to the pantry, they look for something and they're like that,
there's no there's nothing in here to eat to snack on.
But you started buying the seaweed chips, which Jackson started
to love. My kids love oreoles because I love oreos,
(19:46):
and we stopped buying oreos. And they don't complain like
they just Jackson just said to me, it is like
that you bought the turmeric shots, the ginger shots and
the wheat grass shots. I was like, yeah, He's like,
I'm gona take one every morning.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I just want ahead and brought a massifying juice or
just for that purpose, like to grow juice, ginger all.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
And I'm excited about it. As much as this has
been about me for myself being better going into forty,
I can't help but look at my sons and say,
they're going to be forty year old men at one
point at some point, and I want when they are
forty year old men to look back and say, my
mom and dad prepared me for this moment, so my
body is intact to take on whatever new ailments may
(20:29):
come after forty years of life.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
But also too, I feel good that we're doing everything
in our power to make sure that we are not
a liability to our children when they're older. Hell yeah,
think about how many people have to sacrifice and do
all the things for their parents in an older age
because they didn't take care of themselves, that is a
fact when they could. So now you have parents who
(20:52):
are battling with all these different ailments and chronic diseases
that maybe could have been avoided, you know, had they
taken a little bit more time, and diabetes are hurt
in my family. Yeah, to take care of themselves. And granted,
we have more resources now, more knowledge now than our
families you know, generations before us did. But just a
(21:13):
little bit like getting up and getting on that treadmill,
like doing what you have to do, getting out and
just walking for twenty minutes a day, or you know,
eliminating something out of your diet, Like I don't want
to be a liability to my children and I'm older.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Because we've changed our lifestyle. Like for me in particular,
I'm not going a day without working out. And when
I say working out, that is at least a twenty
minute walk. That to me, it classifies as a workout
for today. There's never a day you're going to see dival.
That's why y'all always see me in tights or shorts
while you always see Kadeen and tights and sports bards.
(21:46):
Because look, some points, you gotta get on that treadmill.
If it's not nice outside, get on that treubmill and
do twenty minutes. It just keeps your heart going, keeps
your legs, your posture, your core, you know, get your
mind free.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That was me last night. I felt a little sniffle
coming on. I was like, oh no, I got on
again the trendmill for thirty minutes, walked, sweat, let everything
run out. And then this morning I was like, ginger shot,
good to go, and not for nothing.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
The oxytocin that's released when you work out, you just
feel good, you know, after I get my twenty minutes
in that ok, I'm ready. I'm ready first thing in
the morning. Wake up. Let me walk on my off days,
but on my on days, I'm a walk, lift, run,
and then after that I feel good. I'm ready to
attack the day. My mind is free.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I'm excited about where we are going. You just turned forty,
me turning forty. But realistically, it's about preparing our children,
you know, because life now doesn't matter to me if
it's not preparing for my wife and my kids.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's the fact that you learned about yourself in your
thirties or is there like a big way that you
want to end your thirties?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Man, there's a lot I learned in my thirties. I
had made this. I'm not made this reality, but I
had really thought about this. From fifteen to twenty, you
think you know everything. From twenty to twenty five, you
know you know everything. From twenty five to thirty, you
realize that you didn't know shit the whole time. And
(23:14):
then in your thirties you're trying to fix all of
the stuff you did wrong in your twenties. And I
feel like that's what my thirties has been. I've just
been trying to correct I don't want to say all
of my wrongs. But you get blinded in your twenties
when you have success early and being a divisione athlete
(23:35):
and going to the NFL and having success. Early in
my twenties, I felt like I had the world figured out.
So you go back and you listen to interviews of yourself,
you watch videos of yourself, You think about the things
you've done. You're like, man, I really didn't know anything
figured out, but I thought I did so during my thirties.
I've just been trying to correct that to prepare for
(23:57):
my forties. But I've also realized that all the things
that I thought matter didn't matter. Materialistic things, people's opinions
of me, my opinions of other people, my judgment of
other people, my mindset, and the things I thought about
life as just I've just learned so much more about
(24:17):
not being so closed minded and finite about what I
think is black and white. Yeah, I've learned to just
be open to listening learning.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I can see that, and I'm happy you acknowledge that too,
because you've gotten feedback the same way I have, from
like family members, people close to us who we thought
whatever they were doing in that moment, no, you should
do it this way. Like you know that your way
was going to be the right way. And I think
now you've just been like, listen, I have four children.
Those are my only children. Everybody else, y'all can do
(24:47):
whatever it is that y'all want to do, because my
focus is these four boys. Everybody else there adults, they're
going to figure it out in their own time. So
I like that you've done that because I feel like
that really some portions of stress that you might I
was worrying about other people.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I was definitely, I was definitely gonna say that, Like
a lot of my stress in my twenties was thinking
that I knew everything and I could fix everybody, and
trying my hardest to make you do it like.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
This, do it like that they could see them to
see and.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Realizing in my thirties that you can't fix everybody. So
since you can't fix everybody the same way you couldn't
be fixed, it takes a lot of self reflection for
someone else to fix themselves. So give people time and grace.
That's That's one thing I'll say. I don't stress as
much because I'm like, whether it's our brothers and sisters,
our parents, our aunts and uncles, grandparents, all of these
(25:39):
people that we feel like we figured out a way
and they should do it our way. I've learned to
let them live their life the way that they want
to live their life and support them in whatever way
they can. But not only our family and friends, just
people out in the street. You know, back in the day,
and I say back in the day when I was twenties,
but it really wasn't that far people to ask me
for advice and I would tell them, you got to
do it this way because this is the way it
(26:00):
has to be done. Now, it's just like they asked
me for advice, and I'm open about saying I don't
know how to give you advice about your life. I
can share with you what I've done, and if you
want to do it that way and go ahead. If
you look at what I've done and you say, hell no,
I don't want to do that, I'm cool with that too,
because it might not work for you. But that's been
able to give me some peace in life and not
(26:20):
be stressed about doing things one way and trying to
be perfect, because there is no perfect.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
You know, what do you think you have left to learn?
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I think I have a lot left to learn. I
honestly feel like I was walking through the world with
blinders on for the first thirty years of life. Right.
I was talking to Josh about this last night. If
you really think about what we learn and what we know,
everything we've learned we learned through entertainment, right, So think
(26:52):
about this. Josh was taking a class on directing and
they talked about how we learned everything about life through
the male gaze, because over ninety percent of productions are
with male directors male producers. So when we see anything,
when we see a woman, we see it through the
male gaze. When we see a man, we see a
man through the male gaze. What that realization made me
(27:15):
realize is that I've learned about the world through someone
else's perspective. You know, everything I know or thought about life,
it was either through entertainment or through news. But that's
also just one perspective. So I feel like I have
so much more to learn about the world, which makes
me feel that much smaller, but also makes me feel
(27:36):
like that less of an expert. Even when it comes
to relationships, right, people's like, oh, y'all love relationship goals,
and I honestly feel like, no the hell we are not.
I don't feel like you can look at one person
for anything and say that that person knows everything about anything.
I want to learn from as many people. Now, I'm
like part of me is wanting to sit down amongst
(27:59):
a bunch of people and just listen.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You know, it's funny you say that, because I struggle
with just even thinking about me turning forward and all
that on this topic wanting to learn from others. It
can be so convoluted now just thinking about social media,
Like you can literally pick up your phone and like
search for anything or go into a rabbit hole of
things you want to learn about, but that's always going
(28:23):
to be through somebody else's perspective. Absolutely, So I feel
like in our forties or in my forties at least,
I'm selective about who I want in my presence, who
I want in my space absolutely, and curating experiences where
I can learn from people purposefully. And that's my force
absolutely through social media or things that are just fed
(28:43):
to me through my phone. And that's why I think
I've put my phone down a lot more now, because
then you just get into a rabbit hole of everybody
else's ideas about what you should think about certain things,
and I just it's noise at this point, it's noise.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Okay, I kid you not. I'm now understanding why my
grandparents called the TV the idiot box, while my parents
called the phone an idiot box, and then why we're
going to be calling whatever it is about the oculus,
whatever new technology is, the idiot box, because what it's
doing is feeding you all the information that they want
you to have. But now it's allowing even young kids
(29:19):
to curate their own experience, so they only will follow
who they want to follow their world, and that's all
they see. The minute they look up and they put
their their phone like this, they're just being fed information
and they're taking it all this truth. And I'm realizing
now that I did the same thing through the television
from the time I was young. So it's about unlearning
(29:39):
everything I know about life now and trying to relearn it.
So I think in my thirties I took a lot
of time to self reflect, and that's why when you
hear me talk a lot, I talk about the mistakes
I made, and I talk about the things I wish
I could have done differently, not so much because I
want to seem like I'm the perfect person. That no,
I really feel like that, Like, damn, man, what if
(30:00):
I just unlearn this stuff and now with a different
perspective on life, let's take in more information. I want
more people to do that too.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Anything you dread about aging, dread.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
About aging, man.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Man.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
The only thing I dread about aging is losing time
with my sons. Yeah, like the time I have with
them now. Think about Jackson. Jackson is twelve. I have
six years left with Jackson living in his house, and
then he's going to be college. And we are empowering
our children to go out in the world and not
(30:33):
need us. So there's a good chance, just like me,
once he turns eighteen, he goes to college, he may
never live back in our house. I never lived back
with my parents after that. You did it, and my
brother never lived back with my parents. We did everything
together when he graduated college, and then he went and
got his own spot. But when I think about that,
it's like, man, I've already spent sixty six percent of
(30:55):
the time I'm going to spend with Jackson in his house. Yeah,
six years left, then he's gone, and I.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Really just be trying to soak up these moments now,
especially and when I talked about forty and just really
making sure that I'm invested in the space is that
I need to be. We talked about just even pulling
back from like our social media presence, just to be
present present. It's really really I share the same sentiment
with you, just like not running out per se, but
(31:22):
the time that we have with them in this space.
Because I think about my life at forty, I've only
was I was under my parents' wings, you know, for
lack of a better word, until I was about seventeen
than I was in college. It's only seventeen out of
my forty years of life.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I know you spent more time with me, you and
you spent with your parents.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Yeah. Yeah, What are you enjoying about aging information?
Speaker 1 (31:44):
I love learning, like I honestly feel like I can
slow down the aging process by treating my body the
right way. What we consider to be good for us
turns out not to be good for us. Team No
sleep not good for us, yolo. I'm gonna eat and
drinks whatever I want because you only once. That's not
good for us. So I've learned to adapt different mantras
(32:08):
in a different lifestyle. I'm going to sleep when I
get a chance to sleep, I'm gonna eat better, I'm
gonna refrain from taking medications that dull or numb the pain,
just to get by and really find a solution to
what it is, so that I can maintain this body
that I only have one of for as long as
I can. You know, I feel like I can stay
(32:30):
at this version of myself for another thirty years. I
honestly feel like that. I've been doing a lot of
research and reading and understanding that if you constantly move,
if you eat right, if you sleep, if you don't
put toxins in your body, you can stay at your
peak version of yourself for three decades. Like there's proven this.
There are fact there are men and women who've done it.
(32:51):
There are men and women in other countries and different
cultures who are seventy who still move like us. Yea,
the same man, you know what I'm saying. Yes, So
that's just I'm looking forward to defining the odds. I'm
spending as much time as I can with my family,
but also continuing to learn the world. Like the world
that we see through our gaze and through entertainment and
(33:14):
through whatever else we look at, it's not the real world.
The real world is the world that exists between when
you leave your house to get to work and come back,
because those are the people, those are the things you
see every single day.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
And also travel finding new places and learning new cultures
and new customs.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And I can't wait. I want to do a lot
more traveling.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
We're traveling with you and with the boys, little global citizens.
So your perfect fortieth birthday scenario. So your birthday, just
to give people context for the past, at least five
years have gone to shit because of something interfering. Yes,
with plans. For example, I had a huge birthday trip
planned for you to Jamaica or last year. No, that
(33:56):
was a nice year we had. We got COVID that
year and couldn't go. That was maybe twenty one. We
moved here twent twenty one. Yeah, so there was that.
A couple of the times you've had either to work,
to film big auditions, callbacks. Yes, okay, Yes, your birthday
happens to fall around the time when a lot of
things get filmed. Yes, However, now that I'm kind of
(34:16):
waiting to see what I can plan according to your
film schedule, because we're always going to manifest work and
all those things. But I feel badly that it's taken
away from your birthday experiences for the past couple of years.
If you had your dream fortieth birthday extravaganza, what would
that look like for you?
Speaker 1 (34:37):
My dream birthday extravaganza would I would be working, but
they would know that April second to April tenth is
the time that I need off. So of course I
would be working on the project because I want to
be able to provide for my family. But from that
time of April second to April tenth, which is about
nine days or eight days, we would travel to Egypt.
(35:01):
We will be able to see the Pyramids. We were
able to see something that we haven't been able to
see that I really want to see. We will take
the kids, we would explore, we would travel, we would
come back. We would celebrate Jackson's birthday, because Jackson's terms thirteen.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
This year, y'all, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So it would be a collective birthday experience, and I
would just get back to work. Like the perfect experience
would be me sharing something with my family that I've
never experienced before, but still working. I wouldn't say that
I want to work. I want to be able to
continue to push the needle forward. You know, that's what
I would do. But I want to travel with you. Guys.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Oh, that's exactly what we want to do with Ju Chow.
So we're waiting to see. Because we had Egypt booked
a couple of years of that. I think it was
your thirty fifth birthday. We actually had a couple along
with us, and we had to cancel that trip for
work also, So we'll see. Maybe the Good Lord will
make away that we can do both that you'll be working.
I'm manifesting it, booking a future film, leading mail type vibes.
(36:02):
Let's know what I'm saying, twenty twenty four is saying,
looking like it's going to be an amazing year. Excited
to spend another birthday with you that's coming up April second, y'all,
my aries baby over here. I can't wait to see
what this next decade has for both of us as
a unit and also individually. So all right, y'all, let's
(36:24):
take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills and
where you're gonna get back with listener letters, so stick
around alrighty, then I will jump in and do the
first one. Hey, Ella's family just want to start by saying,
(36:45):
I love yeah, thank you, love you back. This podcast
gets me through my in office days, long driving commutes,
plane rides, you name it. Els. I love that there's
something so soothing and inviting about you too. Thank you.
See another reason why people be trying to get us
stay on this podcast. I was telling y'all about to
be done, and now y'all make me want to stay
all right, and as a Bronx girly, I'll always be
(37:08):
here for a good New York love story. Won't hold
the whole Bronx thing against you being Brooklyn Heads, but hey,
New York forever. I've been with my boyfriend for four years.
We have a beautiful daughter together, and we met at
a minimum wage job where we were both working at
the time. Since then, I've moved up significantly career wise
and have secured myself financially. He has two but it
(37:30):
took for me to really push him to actually apply
for him to find something else. I have a settlement
coming which I want to use to invest and move
our financial situation forward. I would really like to involve
him and run this business together. My dilemma is he
takes a backseat when it comes to running the household.
(37:50):
He'll give me all his money if I ask for it,
but he doesn't really take charge or give any input.
He just says, I'll do whatever you need. It's ray
that if I involve him, I might end up carrying
the financial and daily upkeep of the business by myself
and resent him for it. He is so selfless, a
great father, and he works daily to be a better boyfriend.
(38:11):
I really don't want to make the wrong decision here.
Should I involve him or just leave him out of it?
What do you think from a business standpoint?
Speaker 1 (38:18):
I think that this is a perfect example of every
man isn't made to lead the house. He doesn't want
to lead the way she wants him to lead, but
he's willing to give her all the money and say, Yo,
whatever you want to do, I'll be of support. That's
a different type of leadership. And I say what I'm saying, it's.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
A different type of leadership. So he's like essentially empowering
her to make the move.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Whatever it is you want to do, I'm in support,
she says. Here he'll give me all of his money.
He just says, whatever you want to do, I'll be
in support. And he's a great father. Why wouldn't you
want that as a teammate. She wants him to be
the one to go out there and find the business
run the business. That's not what he wants to do.
But if she's good at that, there's nothing wrong with
her handling that aspect of it. Using his finances to
(38:59):
help support the business in whatever way she needs help.
He's willing to be a support So why not do it?
Speaker 2 (39:05):
I don't even think, because I can't even think of
a couple that comes to mind who we know where
the man has been a provider, you know, done everything
that he's needed to do financially to make sure the
family was okay. Yes, and the wife, I think wanted
to see more of an assertion in him that she
didn't see because she felt like that would make him
(39:26):
more of the leader of the household when really he
was helping her to do the things that they wanted
to do she wanted to do by just being able
to provide financially. Not everybody is going to be the
creative mind. Not everybody's an entrepreneur's person. Right.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
If he's a worker, If he's a worker, be and
he brings in good money, let him support you in
that way. There's nothing wrong with being supportive in that way.
I don't think that. I don't think there's anything wrong
with this formula. I think it could actually work. To
be honest, if she's an entrepreneur, entrepreneur, she has the spirit,
she knows how to run and build businesses. Most of
those people who have those type of attributes struggle because
(40:04):
they don't have capital. I got everything I need, but
I don't have capital. Well, now you have a partner
who has capital, who's willing to give you what you need,
and you're good at that, then y'all do that together.
Like your version of what love or what a family
looks like doesn't have to mimic or mirror what you
think you see from other people. You understand what I'm saying.
That's why I always say when people say, oh, y'all,
(40:24):
a relationship goes I hate that because I don't want
her in her mind to feel like well de Valles
and entrepreneurial minds. But he's the one who goes out
and do it. So a man is supposed to do that. No,
there is no gender specific role in a relationship that's
that's required in order for it to be successful. Whoever's
the more successful person that that do that? And you
find a teammate who can do something else.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
Literally and it works literally, Yes, think about it. You
always come to me, babe, I think we can do.
You even just came back from the juice spot was like, Babe,
I think you can do. And I'm just like, all right, well,
what do we gotta do? And then tell me what
I need to do. And then I get on the
administrative side of things and I start to look things
up and research and organize and it's like the perfect
marriage in that sense when it comes to business. But
I think she should also be vocal about this with
(41:05):
him and say, hey, all right, babe, if you're going
to be bringing home the bacon pretty much and letting
me cook it up, fry it, do all different things
with it, I'm going to need you to kind of
pick up some of the slack at home because I
may not be able to do the things around the
house that I typically would do if I'm going to
be doing the business stuff. And I think that's what
she's fearing here, that she's going to have to run
the household and the business and then be resentful.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
I don't know, because she said that he says, I'll
do whatever you need. She never said that he's not willing.
She said, I'm afraid that if I involved him, I
may end up carrying not financial and daily upkeep up
the business. Now, if you're a business minded person and
you're an entrepreneur, you're going to have to do that anyway.
Like if it's your dream, if it's your vision, if
it's your goal, you have to do that.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
Now, I get it on the business side of things,
but I'm saying she doesn't want to also do that
and then have to run the household stuff as well.
So maybe their agreement will be if she's going to
be focusing on the business and he's still going to
work and contribute just the day to day things that
they take care of in the household, maybe he will
have to take over.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
But she never said that that's a problem. She said
that he is a great father, he's selfless, So she
never said that her problem is based on what I've read.
Her only problem with him is that he's not a
go getter when it comes to finding opportunities and handling
the business. She says here that he's willing to do
whatever I need. He'll give me all his money.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
I hear that, but I was just speaking to My
dilemma is he takes a back seat when it comes
to running the household. So I'm just saying, if that
was a portion that she was worried about, just say, hey, babe,
I know you're going to help me to execute this
menness by being a financial backing, but if I'm focusing
on this, I'll just need some more help around the household.
That's all.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
I'm sorry, I got you. But she said he'll take
a back seat. But she also said that he says
I'll do whatever you need. She sounds like she doesn't
want to have to say it. She wants him to
go and do it. No, if this is something you
need and require, speak on it. She never said that
he won't do it. He takes a back seat, take
a back seat, but I'll do whatever you need to
(42:56):
know what you need. It's no different than us two
will tell me like, yeah, I may take a back
seat in the business, but tell me what you want
get done and I'll do it. So even when it
comes to creating content, you like I want to be talent,
I don't want to have to think about that. I'm
not looking at that like, oh, she lazy, she don't
want to do what I want to do. I'm looking
at it as like, Okay, she told me very clearly
(43:17):
what she wants to do.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Just communicated right.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
And what I'm saying is that him saying he'll take
a back seat doesn't mean he's not willing to do it.
He's not coming up with the ideas. I think they
have a formula that works. My only issue with what
she's saying is that she expects that because he's the man,
he's going to take the forefront. And what I'm saying
is is that doesn't have to be the case. You know,
Oprah has a Steedman. Steedman is like, I'll do whatever
(43:41):
you need to support, but Oprah is still the she's
the mastermind. Imagine if Oprah. Imagine if Oprah was like,
you know, I'm gonna wait until Stepman figures it out,
and we wouldn't have half the ship that we have here.
You know what I'm saying, I don't think it has
to be gender specific. You're a entrepreneur and he's a worker.
Bee tell them, babe, that's what I need you do
(44:01):
pick up the kids, pick up our daughter these days.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
And that's how you involve him. Don't leave him out
of it altogether, but that's how you involve him in
the business strategy and what the plan will be moving forward.
So good luck to y'all. I love when people feel
like they have something that they can really just run
with and just grow their business and take that entrepreneurial
spirit spirit and actually apply it. So I think I
have a good recipe here says good luck to you guys.
I hope everything works.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
Out and you're right. Involve him, tell him exactly what
you need from him, because he sounds like, based on
what you wrote, he's that type of guy, whatever you need.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Yeah, I think that's like that's the perfect love language
for me. I'll do whatever you need, babe. That's amazing,
all right.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Number two, Hey Devala Kadeen. My name is k pronounced
k kaye. I wonder who else pronounced what do they
say kaye ou kaye? But she says my name is
Kate pronounce k. I'm pretty sure people be fucking her
name up for sure. I really love and adore you guys.
I've been following your journey since twenty nineteen, and it
is amazing to see how how far you too and
(45:01):
the family have come. Thank you so much. I remember
rushing back to the dorm after classes in first year
to watch your family videos on YouTube while I ate lunch.
Those were some good times. Now, that's what's up. They
were some good times anyway. To give you some context,
I'm currently twenty two, a female, in my last year
of university, studying kinesiology and rehabilitation scientists, and writing you
(45:22):
to writing you this letter at two o'clock in the
morning because I am stuck in capital letters for many years.
I've been struggling with confidence. Growing up. It was hard
making friends and never really around my crew until grade
eight at a small private school. Even in first year
of UNI, I spent most of my time in my room,
locked away when I didn't have class, because I simply
(45:42):
did not know how to open myself up around others
without the fear of being disliked or judged. This is
what we talked about earlier. When you become forty, you
realize that that doesn't matter. But I get where she's
coming from. As a twenty two year absolutely, it even
got to a point where I started to doubt myself,
my skills, and my abilities, especially when applying for things.
(46:02):
For my last year, I have the privilege to participate
in the strength and Conditioning practicum after building enough courage
to apply at my school. I aspired to be a trainer,
but I constantly feel behind looking at my classmates and
some of the athletes I work with. It feels as
though I don't know what I'm doing and often feel
that I do not have what it takes to actually train. Furthermore, ooh,
(46:25):
that just sounded like I am writing a paper. Yikes.
There is a large stigma on female trainers, especially in
the sports industry. For example, my supervisors are one of
three female strength and conditioning coaches at the university level
across Canada, and Canada is not small, y'all. It may
just be all in my head, as I tend to
overthink a lot. Yes, but I really need to get
a handle on this. I graduate in June and need
(46:47):
to start practicing or preparing for that transition into the
career aspects of life as I can be a swim
instructor forever. Two questions Deval, what advice do you have
for someone going into the training industry, specially in sports. Kadeen,
what are some things you do to improve or maintain
confidence in yourself? Ps? I really really really really really
really really really really really guys, every video I watched
(47:11):
with a smile on my face, even as I am
crying writing this, and one more thing, you see what
I did there? Y'all really need to come to Toronto.
Shout out to Toronto.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Year Toronto. We were in Ottawa for a little bit.
Canada Girl, No one is going to be bought into
the idea of you if you're not brought into the
idea of you.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
Facts.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
I'm not sure what her background is like growing up,
how she was raised, and the lack of confidence and
where that stems from. But if you approach anything with
any sort of apprehension and people don't feel like you
even believe in yourself, then why would they? Then why
would they? You can speak more to the training aspect
of things, because you know what it's like for that
(47:54):
being I think a male dominant or driven industry, and
it is it is for the most part.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
I understand where she's coming from because she said there's
a stigma around female trainers. Number One is the idea
that a female trainer can't get me to the level
because they've never done this, which is absolutely false. Right,
training is about two things. Number One, the most important
thing is the science. If you know the science, you
know how to get people better. It doesn't matter if
you're a man, a woman, a dog. If you know
how to get people better, people will come. The second
(48:23):
part is interpersonal communication. You have to find ways to
motivate people to do the things that they don't want
to do because you, as a trainer, know that they
have to do them and they can do it, and
they can do it. So those are the two most
important aspects, your ability to motivate people into personal communication,
but also the science, and if you practice those two things,
(48:44):
you'll be a great trainer. The best way to practice
interpersonal communication skills is to interpersonally communicate. Stop being afraid
of people. You're in school, walk up to people, introduce yourself,
because one thing you're gonna have to do is a
trainer isself. You have to sell yourself. You have to
sell packages. You have to be willing to walk up
to people in the most uncomfortable situations and say, hey,
(49:06):
how are you doing? My name is K. You know,
I've noticed that you were doing this exercise a little
bit wrong. You mind, if I help you mm hm
through that relationship, you build a rapport. Through that rapport,
you sell them whatever it is that you want to
sell them, right, So it all starts with confidencing yourself.
And like KK said over here, if you don't believe
in you, who else is going to believe in you?
Speaker 2 (49:27):
It's true, there's people out here who are mediocre as
fuck at a lot of things. At a lot of things.
They're just very average and very mediocre. But what sells
them is their confidence and their ability for other people
to buy into whatever it is that they are doing
or selling or involved with. So you ask me specifically,
what are some things that I do to improve or
maintain myself confidence? It's really doing the uncomfortable things over
(49:52):
and over again. You know. I started when I was
about ten or eleven, getting in front of an audience,
getting in front of pe people, like trying to be
outgoing pageants definitely helped because you know, you put yourself
up on the stage and you have to introduce yourself
and talk to people and be scrutinized like that's a
huge lens to be under at at a at a
young age. But it never stopped. I always felt uncomfortable.
(50:14):
I always had moments where I was unsure of myself
until I said, you know what, I'm just gonna keep
doing this over and over and over again. So it
starts with, like Deval said, walking up to people saying
what's up. I think also the New Yorker in US
gave us an advantage because think about all of the
crazy shit that just happens on a random subway ride
in New York. People just be out there doing stuff.
Speaker 1 (50:37):
But New Yorkers don't talk to each other. They walk
right by people in New York. I wouldn't use New
York as an example.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
No, the reason I say New York is because you're
just so accustomed to people doing outlandish and weird things
that if somebody does just come up and spark conversation
with you, it's not off putting. It's not off putting
because you're accustomed to that.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
Now, some New Yorkers said this off person, like why
are you talking to me? Why are you? Like being
on a train, someone goes, hey, how are you doing?
They looking at you like, why the fuck are you
talking to me, I can see that. Southern. Yeah, Southern
people they have more of a you know, southern hospitality. Hey,
how are you?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
They look you in the eye when because you used
to like seeing people and saying hello.
Speaker 1 (51:10):
I think that's more Caribbeans than the New York because
New york Is don't tell true what I will see,
what I will say. Though. What you said about pageants
is what I noticed too. Even when I did martial
arts for five years from nine to fourteen, before you
went up to do a kata, right, you had to
go in front of the crowd, in front of the
judges and say good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name
(51:32):
is daval Ellis from Modern Combat Systems. I'm about to
perform my blue belt Da da da da, which your permission,
I may begin doing that over and over again, and
feeling confident to go up and say something and speak
gave me the confidence and then go perform my kata.
You see what I'm saying. So I think it's that
part of the experience that people are forgetting in this
(51:54):
day and age. Everybody do things through the phone. No
one walks up to anyone anymore. Even when I'm speaking
to the and I'm just like, hey, that so and
so go and say hello. Yeah. I watch how other
people's children don't know how to speak. When I'm speaking
to young kids or young people, and when I say kids,
I'm saying kids.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
Like eighteen, twenty two, yes, she's twenty two.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
When I go to speak to these young kids, sometimes
I'm like, hey, how you doing. I heard you saying.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
It's just oh, yeah, you actually hit the nail on
the head, babe. That's what it is. That's it's this
generation like her, generation of twenty two and eighteen, that
just don't even know how to look somebody in the
eye and have a conversation and to speak up. You know,
it's like a lost art form, the interpersonal communication side
of communication side of things. It's really like becoming a
(52:37):
lost art.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
But the thing is, it's not a lost art amongst
the entire world. It's this generation, especially Americans. Americans have
become addicted to this cell phone. Think about how often
we travel now and we go other places. We don't
see everybody with their head down in the phone everywhere
we go. One thing in America though, that's everywhere, that's
(52:58):
every every person is now stuck what they face in
the phone. But when we travel to what we went
to Italy this past year, when we go to the islands,
people are a lot more warm when they see you,
and a lot more people sit down at dinner and
they have conversations and they're not they're not in their
phone with their head you know, stuck. So I think
(53:19):
that that's the biggest thing with this generation. Man, Get
put the phone down, get away from television, to go outside,
speak to your neighbors. You know, we've lived here for
three years now, three years now. There are certain neighbors
that don't speak. They just don't speak, you know what
I'm saying. That's never been the case in the world.
(53:40):
I knew who all my neighbors were growing up.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
You know. Well, good luck to you, sis. I think
you have pretty much all the tools, but this desire
and wanting to be better and wanting to be confident,
you just have to go out and do it. There's
no other way around it. There's no shortcut, right, But
good luck to you. Thank you for all the support
that you've given us. Yes, we look forward to you
growing into your greatness. Look at me sounding like a
forty year old woman growing into your greatness. All Right, y'all,
(54:06):
If you want to be featured as one of our
listener letters, continue to write into us. Email us at
dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (54:18):
All right, Moment of truth time. We're talking about Devo's
approach to forty looking fine in the process. I know
my moment of truth for you as you approach forty
moment is just I want to continue to find ways
to enrich your life as you approach a new decade.
We've been together for two decades so far, this being
(54:40):
year twenty two approaching for us, and I just want
to give you your flowers and just say I just
love having this front seat and just watching the man
that you've evolved to be. You've been great since day one.
I knew when I met you. After two weeks of
knowing you, you want someone I love you? Did? I
(55:02):
love you? Boy? But no, I'm really looking forward to
this ride now that I feel like we are. We
have a lot of things figured out. There's still more
to be figured out, but he's doing it with you
makes life that much greater. So I'm here with you
in whatever capacity you need to make sure that your
forties are the best decade yet.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
I love you.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (55:25):
No, I love you, little Fineance. My moment of truth
is simple, man. I'm forty. That's it.
Speaker 2 (55:33):
Not yet, not quite yet.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
I will be forty. I'm embracing it. I asked that
you guys give me grace. I'm looking back at what
I've done through my thirties and through my twenties. Some
things I like, some things I don't, but all things
I've learned. And I know that when I turn fifty,
I'm gonna look back at my forties and say the
(55:54):
same thing. And when I turn sixty, I'm gonna look back.
But I'm excited about that, you know. I'm excited about
evolved and learning and changing and growing and just being
here with you with the kids. I'm excited about life.
I just love life. That's just what it is. I
love life, and I love everybody who supports us. I
even love everybody who don't like I'm just at the
(56:16):
point in my life now where all that I love
for people. Man, that's all I have is love for people.
I cry a lot more now because me too.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
I used to be the big crier. Now it's kind
of evolved.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
Yeah, I do cry a lot more now because I
used to have that wall up of being tough and
having to be a certain way because I thought that
that's the only way you can exist in the world.
But now when stuff hit me, yeah, absolutely, especially as
a black man, I always have my guard up. But
now when stuff hit me, I let it hit me.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Man.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
I look at my kids sometimes I just cry and
they crying for and I'm just like, I look at
y'all growing, and I'm happy. I'm all a students, all
extremely respectful. I'm just I'm proud of everything you and
I have built. I'm excited about my forty years so far.
I have no regrets. No, I have no regrets. Everything
that has happened to us for us, I feel like
(57:08):
it was purposeful for sure.
Speaker 2 (57:10):
For sure. Is it beauty and being able to look
back every year? And I can't wait to do that
when we're ninety yks. You knows all right, y'all, be
sure to follow us on Patreon. If you are not
subscribed yet, you gotta jump on man. All the exclusive
footage that we have here from dead Ass Podcasts, video
content to Ellis family content. You can find it right
(57:33):
there on Patreon, so join us, tell a friend, and
be sure to follow us on social media at dead
Ass the podcast I Am Kadeen, I Am and.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
I Am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
be sure it's rate review. Subscribe. Get your copy of
We Over Me, The Counterintuitive approach to getting everything you
want out of your relationship, and get them. Tickets to
the Love Against the World Tour, Baby, we are almost
sold out, so don't miss it. This is going to
be our final tour for a while. We are going
out with a bang. Baby, I'm telling y'all what y'all
(58:03):
see from us, y'all gonna be like Dania Mellis did that.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
I know. And people have been asking for like certain cities,
like why haven't y'all come here? There and there? We're
going based on where they say podcasts have been successful
and we can, you know, and we pull the crowd out.
Speaker 1 (58:17):
Because Chicago, Detroit. Man, we went up there to Detroit
last year in February and it almost got snowed out.
It was a blizzard, so Detroit, you know, I love
y'all Shout out to u of M national championships for
their football team. Shout out to the Detroit Lions when
they first playoff game for the first time I think
since nineteen ninety one. Detroit is popping right now, So.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
We Come Back has a special place in our heart.
In Chicago, that show was.
Speaker 1 (58:39):
Oh yeah, that was my favorite show so far.
Speaker 2 (58:42):
Absolutely, But Chicago in February is woe.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
Maybe summertime. Summer time shot.
Speaker 2 (58:48):
Listen, just come on to New York real quick. The
Apollo is going to be iconic.
Speaker 1 (58:51):
FA We'll see the dead Ass. Dead Ass is a
production of iHeartMedia podcast network and it's produced by a
do Nor Opinion and Trible. Follow the podcast on social
media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing.
I turned twenty five this year, y'all.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
For the fifteenth time. Yep, dead ass, baby, I can't
wait to welcome you to the forty forty club. It's
Lyddy over here.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Oh hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
With our boys and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philosof to our whole new.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Level dead ass. Start right now, story time.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
This story will take y'all back to August twenty twenty three.
I'm playing scout team quarterback for Jackson's football team. Little
kids start talking shit, so I automatically go into competitive
dad mode, getting outside until the offensive line don't even
(01:26):
block the edge rushers. I'm gonna get outside of them
so they don't block the edge rushers. I got on
my ear maxes on the turf. It's a little slippery.
I don't care because I'm in competition mode. Snap comes,
Why lady, why lady? Catch the ball? Boom? First edge
(01:47):
rusher comes. If I'm not as I juped him, he fell.
What I didn't know what that moment was that he
took my MCL with him. So after I did, I
went to explode and it was no more ass left.
I started running and my leg immediately gave out. They
(02:09):
like they're looking at me, like coach the vale, what happened?
I said, stop, stop, started, it's too much huther. Go
back to the huddle, go back. I immediately called in
the other quarterback, which is a twelve year old kid,
and I say, you don't run this play. So I'm
standing on the side right. So the jackson comes over
the dad you all right? But yeah, yeah, why he
goes Your knee is swollen. O, my knee has swollen up.
(02:30):
Man big I was on the spot started swowing up
on the spot. So I was a little bit nervous,
but I can't show the nerves to the kids. So
go home that night, get in the cold top, put
some ice on my knee. At this point, my mind
is still saying you twenty five divide, You'll be all
right for my body. When I woke up the next morning, man,
(02:55):
my knee was the size of a watermelon. Yes, and
it's in that way since it is now January and
my knee still so.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I used to call you Wolverine because you used to
heal fast. But uh, you know, when you approach the
top of the roller coaster and we're about to fall
down to the other side. Baby long, you don't.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Got to describe. You don't got to describe forty like that.
You don't have to describe for it. This is very,
very wrong. Okay, my knee is taken a lot longer
to heal. I am back now.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
You are back.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
I am back now. But I will say though for
all of the end of twenty twenty three, man, I
was limping. Bro I ain't never experienced this in my
life ever ever, So my knee was jacked up. My
body was saying, welcome to forty karaoke.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yeah, you got something for us today.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I'm gonna take it back to the old school.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh how old is it? Forty years old?
Speaker 1 (03:49):
The song? Maybe forty? Matter of fact, this song is
older than forty.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh is it?
Speaker 1 (03:56):
I feel good?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Get it? I knew that I would none ran under.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I feel and you know that I would so good,
so good I got of you.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
It's the moves for me.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
My ney really just got sore again, just doing.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Nothing careful now because it's under armor with the shorts
to me today to get up.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Let me tell you that up is cute. Earlier I
heard me telling you telling them, don't let case, don't
let them shame k into putting on makeup. I don't
give a ship no more. I'm at forty. I'm putting y'all.
I'm doing this and exactly what I was gonna wear today.
Because I was about to go to the gym. I
had to come and do the podcast. I'm not putting
on no clothes. K rubbing my knee, Sure you all right,
(04:50):
I'm good, keep rubbing my knee. Go ahead to stop
this podcast.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Let's go, Let's go pay some bills, take a break
and get you a little knee rub and then we'll
come back. Talk about your approach the downwards. It's I'm
over here. I'm over here, money, pay bills, We'll be back. Yo,
(05:15):
you're you're like that whole story time was hilarious to
me because you still to this day challenge all these kids.
But I will get the challenge me.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
I don't challenge them. They challenge that.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
It's true, but I will get you. You'll be holding
your own against these little young bucks. Okay, you have
for years, for years? What made it different this time around?
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Though?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
You probably didn't even warm up or anything.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I didn't warm up, didn't have one, yes, I didn't.
It was a little rainy, so the you know, the
turf was a little bit slippery. It was a lot
of things, a lot of elements, a lot of variables
that added to the fact that I slightly tore my
m c L but or sprained my m CL.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And the self diagnosis too for me.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
When you've been an athlete as long as I've been
an athlete, you understand what pain is, and you know
you're also studying exercise physiology. I know the body, so
I was like, it's the inside of my knee. It
only hurts when I do this movement. Right here. I
can still go up and down the stairs. I can
still squat and run. It's just sore when I do
lateral movement. That's an MCL.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I couldn't believe it when you hit me that day.
I was out on the road and you hit me
with the if you swing past a pharmacy or whatever,
let me get a little ben gay, little icy hot.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
I did not say stock stop compression knee gentlemen, let
me tell you come home with like four different competitives. Capping.
She's capping. I never asked for ben gay or icy hot.
She's capping. But this is the difference and when men
become older or when they become older. When Kadeen was
turning forty, did you hear how I was bigger her baby,
you look great. I wanted to empower her to feel better.
(06:54):
I'm turning forty. She lying, you needed Ben Gay? You dying.
It's a downward slope the road, little coasters off the track. Ah,
y'all hear the difference this, No, no, no, I'm glad you'll
hear the difference in how I support her and empower
her and then what I get. So go ahead, keep
lying that, keep lying story.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
And talking about forty I talked about all the things
that are on the downward tick. Keep lying, Okay. All
I'm saying is that I couldn't believe it when you
called me and I said I had to bring all
the stops, the ben Gate, the icy I never asked
for ben Gate, asked for it, but didn't. I didn't
use it.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
I wanted to, didn't bring.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
I wanted to be Seve.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Asked you for a sleeve, so she went and got
the copper fit. So now I'll put the copper fit on.
And Jackson see the copp talking about some Oh you
got the Jemmy Rice two thousand on? It should hurt
my heart, bro.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I said to what he said, you know you got
the Jemmy Rice two thousand joints? Did Jemmy Rice Brett
fav joint? Did they be having in the commercials when
they be on the farm playing it? I said, Yo,
I know what's commercial he's talking about too, because I
remember seeing them in that commercial being like those is
my idols growing up for football, and now they're all.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Here playing on a farm with regularly dude, the sleep
with the sleeve and the back joint. Because Jerry had
the back joint on his lower back.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
That's the back joint for you in your lower back.
Because we've been going to the chiropractice, we've been stretching,
and we've been juicing and taking care of ourselves. Shall
hear her talking, We're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You talking like I'm seventy five years old. We even
I've been taking you to the chirocter. Fact that we've
been juicing, and we've been doing a drinking, the tumor
ic and the gym just shots.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
In the moment. We've not been doing it.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Yes, but why you got to talk like this when
you're saying talking like a slave. We we's gonna go
get better today. We's you coming upon forty?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Y'all hear me sound like that? We wanted to take
I didn't not sound like that.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
See how she make fun of me for turning forty,
But when she was turning forty, I was like, you,
glamorous baby, you look better than ever.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And I think you look better than ever too. But
what we're gonna talk about is you know your approach
to forty, what that's looking like for you, and I
just want to age gracefully with you. We're gonna do
this stick to being fly the entire way from forty
to fifty, to sixty to seventy to eighty to.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I can imagine you talking about me turning turning, talking
about me turning forty. I can't imagine what you're gonna say. Then.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It wasn't even just you. I said it in my
podcast when I talked about turning forty, I said, did
I talk about the roller coaster, y'all run the tape bag.
I talked about being at the top of the roller coaster,
and it's just like that slope down I think, And.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
I said, no, don't do that to yourself. Do not
do that to yourself. You know there's no roller coaster.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Take them for you to your fingers.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
No roller coaster. We still a baby.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
No roller coaster, Yes damn. But you know what's even
worse is the facts and stats that Triple put in
here for you. Number One, heart disease is more prevalent
in men over forty and can be fatal. To talk
about the talk about forty, you talking about me feelings
making you feel some kind of.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Way, Triple did this. Triple ain't talk about death at
all in yours. She talked about your libido. She's talking
about for me is fatal? She talking about something forty
your libido, Well, for me, I'm gonna die.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Increase libido and wait, okay and hear loss.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Definitely was experiencing that.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Health professionals recommend that men over forty take a conscious
or make a conscious effort to engage in stress reduction
and management practices to improve their heart health. Baby, So
my increased libido will help with your stress decrease.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
That's what I'm talking about. Now we're getting the problem.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
This is this is ellis math.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
No, this is what Trubu said, that that stress reduction
and management practices need to improve in order for my
heart health to maintain the standard.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Right, So with my increased libido and your stress decrease,
by way of that, Viya.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
I should be living a lot longer.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Some baby, we're gonna be living forever at this rate.
You know what I'm saying. Testosterone decreases about one percent
every year after the age of forty fifty. Men ages
forty to forty nine experience occasional sexual dysfunction because of this,
You know, why not devour ever in life? I don't
ever think I'll ever see a decrease in your testosterone. No.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
You know why, Why because I work out every day
that on these red tights. And here's gentlemen, I don't
just do.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
I'd be tired, y'all.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
I don't do industry friendly workouts. When I say industry
friendly workouts or workouts that you'll see like go to
the gym and do this to you know, stay in shape,
which is get on the treadmill for an hour. Those
workouts do not increase your testosterone. You know what workouts
increase your testosteron. This is a scientific This is a
(11:45):
scientific fact. When you squat, when you deadlift move heavyweight,
that's a boost of your testosterone because it takes a
lot of energy, a lot of your testots are on
to push that heavyweight. So men who continue to dead life,
if squad do explosive movements sprints, continue to keep their
testosterone high because you need testosterone to rejuvenate those muscles
(12:07):
that are being broken down. A lot of men when
they turn thirty like, oh I can't do these exercises
no more. I'm gonna get old, So they stop doing
those movements. They stop deadlifting, they stop squatting, they stop
bench pressing, they stop doing muscle ups, they stop doing
all of the things that young men do, and in turn,
it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You turned yourself into
an old man by stop doing what young men do.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
So because I squat and deadlift, can that be the
testosterone production that's giving me these chin heres? I'm making
this mustache so stubborn to get lasered away, y'all? Is
it the testosterone in women too?
Speaker 1 (12:40):
I don't think it works like that. There's a ton
of testosterone that's already in my body that continues to increase.
It doesn't work that way for women. And I'm not
even gonna joke about that because women used to think like,
if I lift weights, I'm gonna look like a man. No,
you won't.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You won't.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
You won't because K lifts all the time heavy and
all the time heavyweight, particularly on the the lowers. But no,
in all, honestly though, I continue to live like I'm
twenty five. Yeah, so that I can keep my testa
too hot, because not only do I want to be
here for you sexually, and I know that that becomes
an issue for people in this age range man turns forty,
his libido starts to drop. Woman turns forty, her libido
(13:14):
goes up. And I was like, yo, what you're doing,
Like you been chasing me all these years and now
I'm chasing you. And dudes like I don't know how
to keep up the way you can keep up. Number one,
continue to lift weights and do sprints. Don't go to
the gym and just get on the treadmill. Don't do that,
go go there. Walk or leisurely walk. Yeah, and walking
can be part of your workout. For example, I walk
for thirty minutes before I start my workout. I get
(13:37):
my heart flowing, I get the blood pump, and I
get my legs warmed up. Then after I walk, I
lift my heavyweights. After I'm done lifting my heavyweights, I
sprint for like ten minutes ten seconds on fifty seconds
off high incline. I go as hard as I can,
only for ten reps. And that just keeps my body
like moving, like rejuvenates.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I've heard of that chain reaction that some men do
experience when you have chronic ailments diseases for example, like
high blood pressure. So it's like a almost like a
self fulfilling prophecy because you're going to be dealing with
high blood pressure issues, which is probably a result of
not working out the way you used to or might
have when you were younger, then having to get on
medication for that that then, yep, causes erectile dysfunction or
(14:16):
any other kind of disease. And then men are inclined
to not take those medications because it then interferes with
their sex life. So really, just trying to maintain that
healthy lifestyle going into your forties is what's most important.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
I'm glad you brought that up, because that is actually
a real thing. Most men fear going to the doctor
because the doctor is going to put them on medication.
That medication will then prevent them from being able to
do the one thing that they want to do, which
is be intimate with their partner. So they say, fucking
I'm not going to the doctor and I'll just ignore it.
And I've lost family members that way. I've lost close
(14:50):
people to me in their fifties who went to sleep
one night, woke up, We went to sleep one night
and never woke up and their wife, and the wife
was like, you had the medication, all the medications in there,
and he didn't want to take it and that comes
from heart disease. But the biggest thing is not getting
to that point right. Another thing that can and I
have been talking about a lot recently, which is funny
(15:12):
because I went today, is juicing. Juicing. There's so many
healing factors and natural fruits and vegetables that I think
has come to a point now where we have to
start stop ignoring the fact that the foods that we eat,
even if it's organic, it's not healthy for us.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
My dream is to like leave here and go on
an island and just have a big farm and do
everything my own, because it's ridiculous. And it's funny because
one of the facts that we kind of kind of
spoke into, men are less likely than women to go
to the doctor every year after age forty. Men have
seen an increase in diabetes in high cholesterols. So it's
(15:54):
important to get that yearly blood work. You're actually going
to go soon for you.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
You're on top of me with that stuff because my
mind typically doesn't go there. But like you discussed before,
every year you go get your paps, fear and pap smere.
Now you have to go get a mammogram. You're really
on top of your health, and you make sure that
it's important to me to stay on top of my house.
Oh yeah, I like to be proactive instead of reactive.
I don't ever want to go to the doctor in here.
I have a problem and try to fix it. So
(16:19):
over the past year, it's gonna hurt me so much
because y'all know I've cut eaten beef.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
I thought he was really gonna have an emotional moment.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
I was like, wait what, I'm a Southern boy, I
cut pork. I'm from New York. It's been seven months.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
I haven't had a bager nigga cheese. No, you're for real.
You haven't though, dead ass, y'all. And since I learned
about my egg allergy, like, I haven't been having eggs.
So the bacon, egg and cheese, Like.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I haven't had a bacon, egg and cheese.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It likes seven months with the bev bev you know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Eat it in the morning Asai bowls.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Yo doval. Literally every morning, I'm my baby, what do
you want to have for breakfast? I'm so used to
getting in the kitchen and frying up some bacon and
eggs and all that assieh bowls, y'all, here's the portanola
and vegetables, I mean fruits.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
My street, my street, rep. It's just going down. I really,
let me get a bowl with spinach and.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Granola and enjoying it, enjoying it. So sad, don't be sad.
Be happy that you're feeling good, that you're feeling better.
It's even a thing where the boys are now, Like
Jackson was just eating in a cye bowl for breakfast.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yes, what, here's here's here's the truth.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It's the kids see.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
It without joking because I like to entertain and make
people laugh. But here's the truth. You know how we
say things are hereditary? Yeah you know what you know
runs in the family. You know, oh well that's in
your blood. Is gonna have no you know what's hereditary
watching your parents do stuff and repeating the behaviorct I
told the boys two weeks ago, we have a new model,
the new Ellis model. Right, we won't always do what
(18:11):
we want because we will always do what we have to.
And it was like, what you mean? I said, guys,
you are young men, your boys not but your young men.
As young men, you have to understand that in life
you will not always be able to do what you
want to do because you are required to do what
you have to do, and sometimes what you have to
(18:32):
do doesn't fall in line with what you want to do,
and you have to get used to doing that. And
I told him right before we were eating dinner, and
I said, look, that broccoli not gonna taste like them cookies.
Spinach is a super fool. Daddy loves spinach. It's not
gonna taste like the candy that you eat. But I
have to eat it. Y'all want me to be here
for y'all, right, And they were looking at me like yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Especially Kirol. Cayrol was locked in. He was like, what
I got to do because he's my one kid. Whenever
I saw taste spinach, that poor baby be gang and
like a motherfucker because he hates the I think it's
a texture thing for him. So what I ended up
doing with Cairo instead is that I give it to
him raw, like just straight out of the package, you know,
wash it, and.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Don't ever give anything to my son. Row. Okay, how about.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
That, iggy, how about that You're so annoying, But I
give it to him that way because I'm like Okay,
at least he can still stay you know, you're still
geting your spinach in, right, but we can make it
different ways, right.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So yeah, and ever since then, Jackson, Cairo, Caaz, they
just like bought in. They bought in. Like they go
to the pantry, they look for something and they're like that,
there's no there's nothing in here to eat to snack on.
But you started buying the seaweed chips, which Jackson started
to love. My kids love oreoles because I love oreos,
(19:46):
and we stopped buying oreos. And they don't complain like
they just Jackson just said to me, it is like
that you bought the turmeric shots, the ginger shots and
the wheat grass shots. I was like, yeah, He's like,
I'm gona take one every morning.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I just want ahead and brought a massifying juice or
just for that purpose, like to grow juice, ginger all.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
And I'm excited about it. As much as this has
been about me for myself being better going into forty,
I can't help but look at my sons and say,
they're going to be forty year old men at one
point at some point, and I want when they are
forty year old men to look back and say, my
mom and dad prepared me for this moment, so my
body is intact to take on whatever new ailments may
(20:29):
come after forty years of life.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
But also too, I feel good that we're doing everything
in our power to make sure that we are not
a liability to our children when they're older. Hell yeah,
think about how many people have to sacrifice and do
all the things for their parents in an older age
because they didn't take care of themselves, that is a
fact when they could. So now you have parents who
(20:52):
are battling with all these different ailments and chronic diseases
that maybe could have been avoided, you know, had they
taken a little bit more time, and diabetes are hurt
in my family. Yeah, to take care of themselves. And granted,
we have more resources now, more knowledge now than our
families you know, generations before us did. But just a
(21:13):
little bit like getting up and getting on that treadmill,
like doing what you have to do, getting out and
just walking for twenty minutes a day, or you know,
eliminating something out of your diet, Like I don't want
to be a liability to my children and I'm older.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Because we've changed our lifestyle. Like for me in particular,
I'm not going a day without working out. And when
I say working out, that is at least a twenty
minute walk. That to me, it classifies as a workout
for today. There's never a day you're going to see dival.
That's why y'all always see me in tights or shorts
while you always see Kadeen and tights and sports bards.
(21:46):
Because look, some points, you gotta get on that treadmill.
If it's not nice outside, get on that treubmill and
do twenty minutes. It just keeps your heart going, keeps
your legs, your posture, your core, you know, get your
mind free.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That was me last night. I felt a little sniffle
coming on. I was like, oh no, I got on
again the trendmill for thirty minutes, walked, sweat, let everything
run out. And then this morning I was like, ginger shot,
good to go, and not for nothing.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
The oxytocin that's released when you work out, you just
feel good, you know, after I get my twenty minutes
in that ok, I'm ready. I'm ready first thing in
the morning. Wake up. Let me walk on my off days,
but on my on days, I'm a walk, lift, run,
and then after that I feel good. I'm ready to
attack the day. My mind is free.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
I'm excited about where we are going. You just turned forty,
me turning forty. But realistically, it's about preparing our children,
you know, because life now doesn't matter to me if
it's not preparing for my wife and my kids.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's the fact that you learned about yourself in your
thirties or is there like a big way that you
want to end your thirties?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Man, there's a lot I learned in my thirties. I
had made this. I'm not made this reality, but I
had really thought about this. From fifteen to twenty, you
think you know everything. From twenty to twenty five, you
know you know everything. From twenty five to thirty, you
realize that you didn't know shit the whole time. And
(23:14):
then in your thirties you're trying to fix all of
the stuff you did wrong in your twenties. And I
feel like that's what my thirties has been. I've just
been trying to correct I don't want to say all
of my wrongs. But you get blinded in your twenties
when you have success early and being a divisione athlete
(23:35):
and going to the NFL and having success. Early in
my twenties, I felt like I had the world figured out.
So you go back and you listen to interviews of yourself,
you watch videos of yourself, You think about the things
you've done. You're like, man, I really didn't know anything
figured out, but I thought I did so during my thirties.
I've just been trying to correct that to prepare for
(23:57):
my forties. But I've also realized that all the things
that I thought matter didn't matter. Materialistic things, people's opinions
of me, my opinions of other people, my judgment of
other people, my mindset, and the things I thought about
life as just I've just learned so much more about
(24:17):
not being so closed minded and finite about what I
think is black and white. Yeah, I've learned to just
be open to listening learning.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I can see that, and I'm happy you acknowledge that too,
because you've gotten feedback the same way I have, from
like family members, people close to us who we thought
whatever they were doing in that moment, no, you should
do it this way. Like you know that your way
was going to be the right way. And I think
now you've just been like, listen, I have four children.
Those are my only children. Everybody else, y'all can do
(24:47):
whatever it is that y'all want to do, because my
focus is these four boys. Everybody else there adults, they're
going to figure it out in their own time. So
I like that you've done that because I feel like
that really some portions of stress that you might I
was worrying about other people.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I was definitely, I was definitely gonna say that, Like
a lot of my stress in my twenties was thinking
that I knew everything and I could fix everybody, and
trying my hardest to make you do it like.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
This, do it like that they could see them to
see and.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Realizing in my thirties that you can't fix everybody. So
since you can't fix everybody the same way you couldn't
be fixed, it takes a lot of self reflection for
someone else to fix themselves. So give people time and grace.
That's That's one thing I'll say. I don't stress as
much because I'm like, whether it's our brothers and sisters,
our parents, our aunts and uncles, grandparents, all of these
(25:39):
people that we feel like we figured out a way
and they should do it our way. I've learned to
let them live their life the way that they want
to live their life and support them in whatever way
they can. But not only our family and friends, just
people out in the street. You know, back in the day,
and I say back in the day when I was twenties,
but it really wasn't that far people to ask me
for advice and I would tell them, you got to
do it this way because this is the way it
(26:00):
has to be done. Now, it's just like they asked
me for advice, and I'm open about saying I don't
know how to give you advice about your life. I
can share with you what I've done, and if you
want to do it that way and go ahead. If
you look at what I've done and you say, hell no,
I don't want to do that, I'm cool with that too,
because it might not work for you. But that's been
able to give me some peace in life and not
(26:20):
be stressed about doing things one way and trying to
be perfect, because there is no perfect.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
You know, what do you think you have left to learn?
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I think I have a lot left to learn. I
honestly feel like I was walking through the world with
blinders on for the first thirty years of life. Right.
I was talking to Josh about this last night. If
you really think about what we learn and what we know,
everything we've learned we learned through entertainment, right, So think
(26:52):
about this. Josh was taking a class on directing and
they talked about how we learned everything about life through
the male gaze, because over ninety percent of productions are
with male directors male producers. So when we see anything,
when we see a woman, we see it through the
male gaze. When we see a man, we see a
man through the male gaze. What that realization made me
(27:15):
realize is that I've learned about the world through someone
else's perspective. You know, everything I know or thought about life,
it was either through entertainment or through news. But that's
also just one perspective. So I feel like I have
so much more to learn about the world, which makes
me feel that much smaller, but also makes me feel
(27:36):
like that less of an expert. Even when it comes
to relationships, right, people's like, oh, y'all love relationship goals,
and I honestly feel like, no the hell we are not.
I don't feel like you can look at one person
for anything and say that that person knows everything about anything.
I want to learn from as many people. Now, I'm
like part of me is wanting to sit down amongst
(27:59):
a bunch of people and just listen.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You know, it's funny you say that, because I struggle
with just even thinking about me turning forward and all
that on this topic wanting to learn from others. It
can be so convoluted now just thinking about social media,
Like you can literally pick up your phone and like
search for anything or go into a rabbit hole of
things you want to learn about, but that's always going
(28:23):
to be through somebody else's perspective. Absolutely, So I feel
like in our forties or in my forties at least,
I'm selective about who I want in my presence, who
I want in my space absolutely, and curating experiences where
I can learn from people purposefully. And that's my force
absolutely through social media or things that are just fed
(28:43):
to me through my phone. And that's why I think
I've put my phone down a lot more now, because
then you just get into a rabbit hole of everybody
else's ideas about what you should think about certain things,
and I just it's noise at this point, it's noise.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Okay, I kid you not. I'm now understanding why my
grandparents called the TV the idiot box, while my parents
called the phone an idiot box, and then why we're
going to be calling whatever it is about the oculus,
whatever new technology is, the idiot box, because what it's
doing is feeding you all the information that they want
you to have. But now it's allowing even young kids
(29:19):
to curate their own experience, so they only will follow
who they want to follow their world, and that's all
they see. The minute they look up and they put
their their phone like this, they're just being fed information
and they're taking it all this truth. And I'm realizing
now that I did the same thing through the television
from the time I was young. So it's about unlearning
(29:39):
everything I know about life now and trying to relearn it.
So I think in my thirties I took a lot
of time to self reflect, and that's why when you
hear me talk a lot, I talk about the mistakes
I made, and I talk about the things I wish
I could have done differently, not so much because I
want to seem like I'm the perfect person. That no,
I really feel like that, Like, damn, man, what if
(30:00):
I just unlearn this stuff and now with a different
perspective on life, let's take in more information. I want
more people to do that too.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Anything you dread about aging, dread.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
About aging, man.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Man.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
The only thing I dread about aging is losing time
with my sons. Yeah, like the time I have with
them now. Think about Jackson. Jackson is twelve. I have
six years left with Jackson living in his house, and
then he's going to be college. And we are empowering
our children to go out in the world and not
(30:33):
need us. So there's a good chance, just like me,
once he turns eighteen, he goes to college, he may
never live back in our house. I never lived back
with my parents after that. You did it, and my
brother never lived back with my parents. We did everything
together when he graduated college, and then he went and
got his own spot. But when I think about that,
it's like, man, I've already spent sixty six percent of
(30:55):
the time I'm going to spend with Jackson in his house. Yeah,
six years left, then he's gone, and I.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Really just be trying to soak up these moments now,
especially and when I talked about forty and just really
making sure that I'm invested in the space is that
I need to be. We talked about just even pulling
back from like our social media presence, just to be
present present. It's really really I share the same sentiment
with you, just like not running out per se, but
(31:22):
the time that we have with them in this space.
Because I think about my life at forty, I've only
was I was under my parents' wings, you know, for
lack of a better word, until I was about seventeen
than I was in college. It's only seventeen out of
my forty years of life.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I know you spent more time with me, you and
you spent with your parents.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Yeah. Yeah, What are you enjoying about aging information?
Speaker 1 (31:44):
I love learning, like I honestly feel like I can
slow down the aging process by treating my body the
right way. What we consider to be good for us
turns out not to be good for us. Team No
sleep not good for us, yolo. I'm gonna eat and
drinks whatever I want because you only once. That's not
good for us. So I've learned to adapt different mantras
(32:08):
in a different lifestyle. I'm going to sleep when I
get a chance to sleep, I'm gonna eat better, I'm
gonna refrain from taking medications that dull or numb the pain,
just to get by and really find a solution to
what it is, so that I can maintain this body
that I only have one of for as long as
I can. You know, I feel like I can stay
(32:30):
at this version of myself for another thirty years. I
honestly feel like that. I've been doing a lot of
research and reading and understanding that if you constantly move,
if you eat right, if you sleep, if you don't
put toxins in your body, you can stay at your
peak version of yourself for three decades. Like there's proven this.
There are fact there are men and women who've done it.
(32:51):
There are men and women in other countries and different
cultures who are seventy who still move like us. Yea,
the same man, you know what I'm saying. Yes, So
that's just I'm looking forward to defining the odds. I'm
spending as much time as I can with my family,
but also continuing to learn the world. Like the world
that we see through our gaze and through entertainment and
(33:14):
through whatever else we look at, it's not the real world.
The real world is the world that exists between when
you leave your house to get to work and come back,
because those are the people, those are the things you
see every single day.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
And also travel finding new places and learning new cultures
and new customs.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And I can't wait. I want to do a lot
more traveling.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
We're traveling with you and with the boys, little global citizens.
So your perfect fortieth birthday scenario. So your birthday, just
to give people context for the past, at least five
years have gone to shit because of something interfering. Yes,
with plans. For example, I had a huge birthday trip
planned for you to Jamaica or last year. No, that
(33:56):
was a nice year we had. We got COVID that
year and couldn't go. That was maybe twenty one. We
moved here twent twenty one. Yeah, so there was that.
A couple of the times you've had either to work,
to film big auditions, callbacks. Yes, okay, Yes, your birthday
happens to fall around the time when a lot of
things get filmed. Yes, However, now that I'm kind of
(34:16):
waiting to see what I can plan according to your
film schedule, because we're always going to manifest work and
all those things. But I feel badly that it's taken
away from your birthday experiences for the past couple of years.
If you had your dream fortieth birthday extravaganza, what would
that look like for you?
Speaker 1 (34:37):
My dream birthday extravaganza would I would be working, but
they would know that April second to April tenth is
the time that I need off. So of course I
would be working on the project because I want to
be able to provide for my family. But from that
time of April second to April tenth, which is about
nine days or eight days, we would travel to Egypt.
(35:01):
We will be able to see the Pyramids. We were
able to see something that we haven't been able to
see that I really want to see. We will take
the kids, we would explore, we would travel, we would
come back. We would celebrate Jackson's birthday, because Jackson's terms thirteen.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
This year, y'all, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
So it would be a collective birthday experience, and I
would just get back to work. Like the perfect experience
would be me sharing something with my family that I've
never experienced before, but still working. I wouldn't say that
I want to work. I want to be able to
continue to push the needle forward. You know, that's what
I would do. But I want to travel with you. Guys.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Oh, that's exactly what we want to do with Ju Chow.
So we're waiting to see. Because we had Egypt booked
a couple of years of that. I think it was
your thirty fifth birthday. We actually had a couple along
with us, and we had to cancel that trip for
work also, So we'll see. Maybe the Good Lord will
make away that we can do both that you'll be working.
I'm manifesting it, booking a future film, leading mail type vibes.
(36:02):
Let's know what I'm saying, twenty twenty four is saying,
looking like it's going to be an amazing year. Excited
to spend another birthday with you that's coming up April second, y'all,
my aries baby over here. I can't wait to see
what this next decade has for both of us as
a unit and also individually. So all right, y'all, let's
(36:24):
take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills and
where you're gonna get back with listener letters, so stick
around alrighty, then I will jump in and do the
first one. Hey, Ella's family just want to start by saying,
(36:45):
I love yeah, thank you, love you back. This podcast
gets me through my in office days, long driving commutes,
plane rides, you name it. Els. I love that there's
something so soothing and inviting about you too. Thank you.
See another reason why people be trying to get us
stay on this podcast. I was telling y'all about to
be done, and now y'all make me want to stay
all right, and as a Bronx girly, I'll always be
(37:08):
here for a good New York love story. Won't hold
the whole Bronx thing against you being Brooklyn Heads, but hey,
New York forever. I've been with my boyfriend for four years.
We have a beautiful daughter together, and we met at
a minimum wage job where we were both working at
the time. Since then, I've moved up significantly career wise
and have secured myself financially. He has two but it
(37:30):
took for me to really push him to actually apply
for him to find something else. I have a settlement
coming which I want to use to invest and move
our financial situation forward. I would really like to involve
him and run this business together. My dilemma is he
takes a backseat when it comes to running the household.
(37:50):
He'll give me all his money if I ask for it,
but he doesn't really take charge or give any input.
He just says, I'll do whatever you need. It's ray
that if I involve him, I might end up carrying
the financial and daily upkeep of the business by myself
and resent him for it. He is so selfless, a
great father, and he works daily to be a better boyfriend.
(38:11):
I really don't want to make the wrong decision here.
Should I involve him or just leave him out of it?
What do you think from a business standpoint?
Speaker 1 (38:18):
I think that this is a perfect example of every
man isn't made to lead the house. He doesn't want
to lead the way she wants him to lead, but
he's willing to give her all the money and say, Yo,
whatever you want to do, I'll be of support. That's
a different type of leadership. And I say what I'm saying, it's.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
A different type of leadership. So he's like essentially empowering
her to make the move.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Whatever it is you want to do, I'm in support,
she says. Here he'll give me all of his money.
He just says, whatever you want to do, I'll be
in support. And he's a great father. Why wouldn't you
want that as a teammate. She wants him to be
the one to go out there and find the business
run the business. That's not what he wants to do.
But if she's good at that, there's nothing wrong with
her handling that aspect of it. Using his finances to
(38:59):
help support the business in whatever way she needs help.
He's willing to be a support So why not do it?
Speaker 2 (39:05):
I don't even think, because I can't even think of
a couple that comes to mind who we know where
the man has been a provider, you know, done everything
that he's needed to do financially to make sure the
family was okay. Yes, and the wife, I think wanted
to see more of an assertion in him that she
didn't see because she felt like that would make him
(39:26):
more of the leader of the household when really he
was helping her to do the things that they wanted
to do she wanted to do by just being able
to provide financially. Not everybody is going to be the
creative mind. Not everybody's an entrepreneur's person. Right.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
If he's a worker, If he's a worker, be and
he brings in good money, let him support you in
that way. There's nothing wrong with being supportive in that way.
I don't think that. I don't think there's anything wrong
with this formula. I think it could actually work. To
be honest, if she's an entrepreneur, entrepreneur, she has the spirit,
she knows how to run and build businesses. Most of
those people who have those type of attributes struggle because
(40:04):
they don't have capital. I got everything I need, but
I don't have capital. Well, now you have a partner
who has capital, who's willing to give you what you need,
and you're good at that, then y'all do that together.
Like your version of what love or what a family
looks like doesn't have to mimic or mirror what you
think you see from other people. You understand what I'm saying.
That's why I always say when people say, oh, y'all,
(40:24):
a relationship goes I hate that because I don't want
her in her mind to feel like well de Valles
and entrepreneurial minds. But he's the one who goes out
and do it. So a man is supposed to do that. No,
there is no gender specific role in a relationship that's
that's required in order for it to be successful. Whoever's
the more successful person that that do that? And you
find a teammate who can do something else.
Speaker 2 (40:44):
Literally and it works literally, Yes, think about it. You
always come to me, babe, I think we can do.
You even just came back from the juice spot was like, Babe,
I think you can do. And I'm just like, all right, well,
what do we gotta do? And then tell me what
I need to do. And then I get on the
administrative side of things and I start to look things
up and research and organize and it's like the perfect
marriage in that sense when it comes to business. But
I think she should also be vocal about this with
(41:05):
him and say, hey, all right, babe, if you're going
to be bringing home the bacon pretty much and letting
me cook it up, fry it, do all different things
with it, I'm going to need you to kind of
pick up some of the slack at home because I
may not be able to do the things around the
house that I typically would do if I'm going to
be doing the business stuff. And I think that's what
she's fearing here, that she's going to have to run
the household and the business and then be resentful.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
I don't know, because she said that he says, I'll
do whatever you need. She never said that he's not willing.
She said, I'm afraid that if I involved him, I
may end up carrying not financial and daily upkeep up
the business. Now, if you're a business minded person and
you're an entrepreneur, you're going to have to do that anyway.
Like if it's your dream, if it's your vision, if
it's your goal, you have to do that.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
Now, I get it on the business side of things,
but I'm saying she doesn't want to also do that
and then have to run the household stuff as well.
So maybe their agreement will be if she's going to
be focusing on the business and he's still going to
work and contribute just the day to day things that
they take care of in the household, maybe he will
have to take over.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
But she never said that that's a problem. She said
that he is a great father, he's selfless, So she
never said that her problem is based on what I've read.
Her only problem with him is that he's not a
go getter when it comes to finding opportunities and handling
the business. She says here that he's willing to do
whatever I need. He'll give me all his money.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
I hear that, but I was just speaking to My
dilemma is he takes a back seat when it comes
to running the household. So I'm just saying, if that
was a portion that she was worried about, just say, hey, babe,
I know you're going to help me to execute this
menness by being a financial backing, but if I'm focusing
on this, I'll just need some more help around the household.
That's all.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
I'm sorry, I got you. But she said he'll take
a back seat. But she also said that he says
I'll do whatever you need. She sounds like she doesn't
want to have to say it. She wants him to
go and do it. No, if this is something you
need and require, speak on it. She never said that
he won't do it. He takes a back seat, take
a back seat, but I'll do whatever you need to
(42:56):
know what you need. It's no different than us two
will tell me like, yeah, I may take a back
seat in the business, but tell me what you want
get done and I'll do it. So even when it
comes to creating content, you like I want to be talent,
I don't want to have to think about that. I'm
not looking at that like, oh, she lazy, she don't
want to do what I want to do. I'm looking
at it as like, Okay, she told me very clearly
(43:17):
what she wants to do.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Just communicated right.
Speaker 1 (43:20):
And what I'm saying is that him saying he'll take
a back seat doesn't mean he's not willing to do it.
He's not coming up with the ideas. I think they
have a formula that works. My only issue with what
she's saying is that she expects that because he's the man,
he's going to take the forefront. And what I'm saying
is is that doesn't have to be the case. You know,
Oprah has a Steedman. Steedman is like, I'll do whatever
(43:41):
you need to support, but Oprah is still the she's
the mastermind. Imagine if Oprah. Imagine if Oprah was like,
you know, I'm gonna wait until Stepman figures it out,
and we wouldn't have half the ship that we have here.
You know what I'm saying, I don't think it has
to be gender specific. You're a entrepreneur and he's a worker.
Bee tell them, babe, that's what I need you do
(44:01):
pick up the kids, pick up our daughter these days.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
And that's how you involve him. Don't leave him out
of it altogether, but that's how you involve him in
the business strategy and what the plan will be moving forward.
So good luck to y'all. I love when people feel
like they have something that they can really just run
with and just grow their business and take that entrepreneurial
spirit spirit and actually apply it. So I think I
have a good recipe here says good luck to you guys.
I hope everything works.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
Out and you're right. Involve him, tell him exactly what
you need from him, because he sounds like, based on
what you wrote, he's that type of guy, whatever you need.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Yeah, I think that's like that's the perfect love language
for me. I'll do whatever you need, babe. That's amazing,
all right.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
Number two, Hey Devala Kadeen. My name is k pronounced
k kaye. I wonder who else pronounced what do they
say kaye ou kaye? But she says my name is
Kate pronounce k. I'm pretty sure people be fucking her
name up for sure. I really love and adore you guys.
I've been following your journey since twenty nineteen, and it
is amazing to see how how far you too and
(45:01):
the family have come. Thank you so much. I remember
rushing back to the dorm after classes in first year
to watch your family videos on YouTube while I ate lunch.
Those were some good times. Now, that's what's up. They
were some good times anyway. To give you some context,
I'm currently twenty two, a female, in my last year
of university, studying kinesiology and rehabilitation scientists, and writing you
(45:22):
to writing you this letter at two o'clock in the
morning because I am stuck in capital letters for many years.
I've been struggling with confidence. Growing up. It was hard
making friends and never really around my crew until grade
eight at a small private school. Even in first year
of UNI, I spent most of my time in my room,
locked away when I didn't have class, because I simply
(45:42):
did not know how to open myself up around others
without the fear of being disliked or judged. This is
what we talked about earlier. When you become forty, you
realize that that doesn't matter. But I get where she's
coming from. As a twenty two year absolutely, it even
got to a point where I started to doubt myself,
my skills, and my abilities, especially when applying for things.
(46:02):
For my last year, I have the privilege to participate
in the strength and Conditioning practicum after building enough courage
to apply at my school. I aspired to be a trainer,
but I constantly feel behind looking at my classmates and
some of the athletes I work with. It feels as
though I don't know what I'm doing and often feel
that I do not have what it takes to actually train. Furthermore, ooh,
(46:25):
that just sounded like I am writing a paper. Yikes.
There is a large stigma on female trainers, especially in
the sports industry. For example, my supervisors are one of
three female strength and conditioning coaches at the university level
across Canada, and Canada is not small, y'all. It may
just be all in my head, as I tend to
overthink a lot. Yes, but I really need to get
a handle on this. I graduate in June and need
(46:47):
to start practicing or preparing for that transition into the
career aspects of life as I can be a swim
instructor forever. Two questions Deval, what advice do you have
for someone going into the training industry, specially in sports. Kadeen,
what are some things you do to improve or maintain
confidence in yourself? Ps? I really really really really really
really really really really really guys, every video I watched
(47:11):
with a smile on my face, even as I am
crying writing this, and one more thing, you see what
I did there? Y'all really need to come to Toronto.
Shout out to Toronto.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Year Toronto. We were in Ottawa for a little bit.
Canada Girl, No one is going to be bought into
the idea of you if you're not brought into the
idea of you.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
Facts.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
I'm not sure what her background is like growing up,
how she was raised, and the lack of confidence and
where that stems from. But if you approach anything with
any sort of apprehension and people don't feel like you
even believe in yourself, then why would they? Then why
would they? You can speak more to the training aspect
of things, because you know what it's like for that
(47:54):
being I think a male dominant or driven industry, and
it is it is for the most part.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
I understand where she's coming from because she said there's
a stigma around female trainers. Number One is the idea
that a female trainer can't get me to the level
because they've never done this, which is absolutely false. Right,
training is about two things. Number One, the most important
thing is the science. If you know the science, you
know how to get people better. It doesn't matter if
you're a man, a woman, a dog. If you know
how to get people better, people will come. The second
(48:23):
part is interpersonal communication. You have to find ways to
motivate people to do the things that they don't want
to do because you, as a trainer, know that they
have to do them and they can do it, and
they can do it. So those are the two most
important aspects, your ability to motivate people into personal communication,
but also the science, and if you practice those two things,
(48:44):
you'll be a great trainer. The best way to practice
interpersonal communication skills is to interpersonally communicate. Stop being afraid
of people. You're in school, walk up to people, introduce yourself,
because one thing you're gonna have to do is a
trainer isself. You have to sell yourself. You have to
sell packages. You have to be willing to walk up
to people in the most uncomfortable situations and say, hey,
(49:06):
how are you doing? My name is K. You know,
I've noticed that you were doing this exercise a little
bit wrong. You mind, if I help you mm hm
through that relationship, you build a rapport. Through that rapport,
you sell them whatever it is that you want to
sell them, right, So it all starts with confidencing yourself.
And like KK said over here, if you don't believe
in you, who else is going to believe in you?
Speaker 2 (49:27):
It's true, there's people out here who are mediocre as
fuck at a lot of things. At a lot of things.
They're just very average and very mediocre. But what sells
them is their confidence and their ability for other people
to buy into whatever it is that they are doing
or selling or involved with. So you ask me specifically,
what are some things that I do to improve or
maintain myself confidence? It's really doing the uncomfortable things over
(49:52):
and over again. You know. I started when I was
about ten or eleven, getting in front of an audience,
getting in front of pe people, like trying to be
outgoing pageants definitely helped because you know, you put yourself
up on the stage and you have to introduce yourself
and talk to people and be scrutinized like that's a
huge lens to be under at at a at a
young age. But it never stopped. I always felt uncomfortable.
(50:14):
I always had moments where I was unsure of myself
until I said, you know what, I'm just gonna keep
doing this over and over and over again. So it
starts with, like Deval said, walking up to people saying
what's up. I think also the New Yorker in US
gave us an advantage because think about all of the
crazy shit that just happens on a random subway ride
in New York. People just be out there doing stuff.
Speaker 1 (50:37):
But New Yorkers don't talk to each other. They walk
right by people in New York. I wouldn't use New
York as an example.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
No, the reason I say New York is because you're
just so accustomed to people doing outlandish and weird things
that if somebody does just come up and spark conversation
with you, it's not off putting. It's not off putting
because you're accustomed to that.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
Now, some New Yorkers said this off person, like why
are you talking to me? Why are you? Like being
on a train, someone goes, hey, how are you doing?
They looking at you like, why the fuck are you
talking to me, I can see that. Southern. Yeah, Southern
people they have more of a you know, southern hospitality. Hey,
how are you?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
They look you in the eye when because you used
to like seeing people and saying hello.
Speaker 1 (51:10):
I think that's more Caribbeans than the New York because
New york Is don't tell true what I will see,
what I will say. Though. What you said about pageants
is what I noticed too. Even when I did martial
arts for five years from nine to fourteen, before you
went up to do a kata, right, you had to
go in front of the crowd, in front of the
judges and say good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name
(51:32):
is daval Ellis from Modern Combat Systems. I'm about to
perform my blue belt Da da da da, which your permission,
I may begin doing that over and over again, and
feeling confident to go up and say something and speak
gave me the confidence and then go perform my kata.
You see what I'm saying. So I think it's that
part of the experience that people are forgetting in this
(51:54):
day and age. Everybody do things through the phone. No
one walks up to anyone anymore. Even when I'm speaking
to the and I'm just like, hey, that so and
so go and say hello. Yeah. I watch how other
people's children don't know how to speak. When I'm speaking
to young kids or young people, and when I say kids,
I'm saying kids.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
Like eighteen, twenty two, yes, she's twenty two.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
When I go to speak to these young kids, sometimes
I'm like, hey, how you doing. I heard you saying.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
It's just oh, yeah, you actually hit the nail on
the head, babe. That's what it is. That's it's this
generation like her, generation of twenty two and eighteen, that
just don't even know how to look somebody in the
eye and have a conversation and to speak up. You know,
it's like a lost art form, the interpersonal communication side
of communication side of things. It's really like becoming a
(52:37):
lost art.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
But the thing is, it's not a lost art amongst
the entire world. It's this generation, especially Americans. Americans have
become addicted to this cell phone. Think about how often
we travel now and we go other places. We don't
see everybody with their head down in the phone everywhere
we go. One thing in America though, that's everywhere, that's
(52:58):
every every person is now stuck what they face in
the phone. But when we travel to what we went
to Italy this past year, when we go to the islands,
people are a lot more warm when they see you,
and a lot more people sit down at dinner and
they have conversations and they're not they're not in their
phone with their head you know, stuck. So I think
(53:19):
that that's the biggest thing with this generation. Man, Get
put the phone down, get away from television, to go outside,
speak to your neighbors. You know, we've lived here for
three years now, three years now. There are certain neighbors
that don't speak. They just don't speak, you know what
I'm saying. That's never been the case in the world.
(53:40):
I knew who all my neighbors were growing up.
Speaker 2 (53:43):
You know. Well, good luck to you, sis. I think
you have pretty much all the tools, but this desire
and wanting to be better and wanting to be confident,
you just have to go out and do it. There's
no other way around it. There's no shortcut, right, But
good luck to you. Thank you for all the support
that you've given us. Yes, we look forward to you
growing into your greatness. Look at me sounding like a
forty year old woman growing into your greatness. All Right, y'all,
(54:06):
If you want to be featured as one of our
listener letters, continue to write into us. Email us at
dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (54:18):
All right, Moment of truth time. We're talking about Devo's
approach to forty looking fine in the process. I know
my moment of truth for you as you approach forty
moment is just I want to continue to find ways
to enrich your life as you approach a new decade.
We've been together for two decades so far, this being
(54:40):
year twenty two approaching for us, and I just want
to give you your flowers and just say I just
love having this front seat and just watching the man
that you've evolved to be. You've been great since day one.
I knew when I met you. After two weeks of
knowing you, you want someone I love you? Did? I
(55:02):
love you? Boy? But no, I'm really looking forward to
this ride now that I feel like we are. We
have a lot of things figured out. There's still more
to be figured out, but he's doing it with you
makes life that much greater. So I'm here with you
in whatever capacity you need to make sure that your
forties are the best decade yet.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
I love you.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (55:25):
No, I love you, little Fineance. My moment of truth
is simple, man. I'm forty. That's it.
Speaker 2 (55:33):
Not yet, not quite yet.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
I will be forty. I'm embracing it. I asked that
you guys give me grace. I'm looking back at what
I've done through my thirties and through my twenties. Some
things I like, some things I don't, but all things
I've learned. And I know that when I turn fifty,
I'm gonna look back at my forties and say the
(55:54):
same thing. And when I turn sixty, I'm gonna look back.
But I'm excited about that, you know. I'm excited about
evolved and learning and changing and growing and just being
here with you with the kids. I'm excited about life.
I just love life. That's just what it is. I
love life, and I love everybody who supports us. I
even love everybody who don't like I'm just at the
(56:16):
point in my life now where all that I love
for people. Man, that's all I have is love for people.
I cry a lot more now because me too.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
I used to be the big crier. Now it's kind
of evolved.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
Yeah, I do cry a lot more now because I
used to have that wall up of being tough and
having to be a certain way because I thought that
that's the only way you can exist in the world.
But now when stuff hit me, yeah, absolutely, especially as
a black man, I always have my guard up. But
now when stuff hit me, I let it hit me.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Man.
Speaker 1 (56:43):
I look at my kids sometimes I just cry and
they crying for and I'm just like, I look at
y'all growing, and I'm happy. I'm all a students, all
extremely respectful. I'm just I'm proud of everything you and
I have built. I'm excited about my forty years so far.
I have no regrets. No, I have no regrets. Everything
that has happened to us for us, I feel like
(57:08):
it was purposeful for sure.
Speaker 2 (57:10):
For sure. Is it beauty and being able to look
back every year? And I can't wait to do that
when we're ninety yks. You knows all right, y'all, be
sure to follow us on Patreon. If you are not
subscribed yet, you gotta jump on man. All the exclusive
footage that we have here from dead Ass Podcasts, video
content to Ellis family content. You can find it right
(57:33):
there on Patreon, so join us, tell a friend, and
be sure to follow us on social media at dead
Ass the podcast I Am Kadeen, I Am and.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
I Am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
be sure it's rate review. Subscribe. Get your copy of
We Over Me, The Counterintuitive approach to getting everything you
want out of your relationship, and get them. Tickets to
the Love Against the World Tour, Baby, we are almost
sold out, so don't miss it. This is going to
be our final tour for a while. We are going
out with a bang. Baby, I'm telling y'all what y'all
(58:03):
see from us, y'all gonna be like Dania Mellis did that.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
I know. And people have been asking for like certain cities,
like why haven't y'all come here? There and there? We're
going based on where they say podcasts have been successful
and we can, you know, and we pull the crowd out.
Speaker 1 (58:17):
Because Chicago, Detroit. Man, we went up there to Detroit
last year in February and it almost got snowed out.
It was a blizzard, so Detroit, you know, I love
y'all Shout out to u of M national championships for
their football team. Shout out to the Detroit Lions when
they first playoff game for the first time I think
since nineteen ninety one. Detroit is popping right now, So.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
We Come Back has a special place in our heart.
In Chicago, that show was.
Speaker 1 (58:39):
Oh yeah, that was my favorite show so far.
Speaker 2 (58:42):
Absolutely, But Chicago in February is woe.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
Maybe summertime. Summer time shot.
Speaker 2 (58:48):
Listen, just come on to New York real quick. The
Apollo is going to be iconic.
Speaker 1 (58:51):
FA We'll see the dead Ass. Dead Ass is a
production of iHeartMedia podcast network and it's produced by a
do Nor Opinion and Trible. Follow the podcast on social
media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing.
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