You Have 2 Ears For A Reason

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ninety nine percent of arguments have nothing to do with
facts that is actually a fact. And dead ass. I
swear I don't be trying to piss you off the valve.
It just be happiness sometimes that remains to be seen.
Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadein and I'm Devout and we're

(00:25):
the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos
with our voice and reading each other publicly as a
form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh,
and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
some of them life's most taboo topics, things most folks

(00:47):
don't want to talk about through the lens of a
millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we
say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're
actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. We take pillow talk to
a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. Just

(01:08):
know that there's two sides to every story, Y'allso go
ahead with your story, Tundvale. You see you see how
I didn't even get a chance to say anything and
she's already ready to argue. You see that I was
making a disclaimer. Okay, I'm gonna tell y'all how me
and k had one of them. First of all, this
here is the answer to the number one question I

(01:31):
get on social media. Do you and KaDee ever argue? Yes? Fuck? Yeah, yes?
And it gets crazy sometimes it does, okay. And the
reason why people say we don't ever see I argue, yeah,
because we're too big the arguing to pick up a
phone and show you that we arguing. That's the only

(01:52):
reason why you don't see it. But we being here arguing,
and I'm gonna tell you why. I don't remember the date,
but we did have a podcast where I talked about burnout,
and we talked about burnout, and I told you we
were going to do a whole podcast about how to burnout.
Turned out to be a burnout in our marriage, right.

(02:13):
Kadeen was what Kadeen is still the matron of honor
and her best friend Tiffany's wedding was also. I know
that's your best friend, but Tiffany was more like my friend.
But that's now argue about who French is whatever. Any who,
my college roommate my college sweet mate Stephen Bowing and

(02:34):
his ex wife Tiffany Bowen. We met them around the
same time. But Tiffany and I used to argue all
the time when we used to go on couples retreats
because we have the same personality. Yeah, you all are
very similar. So because of that, we created a bond
where it's just like, that's my homie. Everybody used to
be like y'all always arguing. We like to debate, we

(02:54):
like to challenge each other, and we like to challenge
popular thought. If there's one thing about me, if you
guys haven't noticed, is that I'm never just gonna say
what everyone else is saying just to be a part
of the chamber or the conversation, because a lot of
times we'll be like, oh, don't you have something to
say about X, y Z that's happening out in current events,

(03:15):
and you're just like, no, I'm not gonna jump in
any argument or every argument, nor am I going to
piggyback off of somebody else's thoughts idea. So I only
feel to engage in conversations if I have an original thought,
which is why so often I've always been like the
topic of conversation because they'd be like, what the fuck
is the val talking about? It's an original thought. I

(03:36):
don't feel like I'm helping if I'm going to just
keep saying what everybody else is saying so people can say, yeah,
the val is right. Nah. If I agree with that
everybody else is saying in my opinion, doesn't really matter
any as much. But if I think it's different than
I'll say something. But that's neither here, no there. Tiffany
and I have the same personality. Were also both very
type A workaholics, and you and Steve were both very

(03:57):
laid back, like I don't on a vacation. I'm trying
to drink and tan and have fun. I don't feel
like debating about politics. So me and Tiffany became real close.
But Kay and Tiffany became really really close as they
shared a lot of bonds as moms and wives of
NFL players. And you two best friends because me and
Steve are close, like, we're extremely close. So she is
what was the matron of honor in her wedding. Steve

(04:18):
and Tiffany got divorced. Tiffany remarried shout out to Dane,
great guy, and here's the thing. If there's ever two
people who you need to watch co parents, oh for sure,
and create a space for each other to be happy
to move forward after divorce, it's Tiffany and Steve. That's
the blunt. I don't know how they were able to well.

(04:43):
I mean they did go to therapy, but amicably split
and then support each other in business and business ventures,
children relationships afterwards. It was just amazing to watch he
remarried and she was getting married in Jamaica. I wanted
to be They're so bad. And the reason why I
gave you that whole backstory is because Tiffany is my friend.

(05:04):
Like I know she's your friend, but she was my
friend when I started my training business and I was
starting to build. She hired me to be her trainer.
She didn't say, yo, let me get the homie discount.
I used to drive to Harlem. She paid me my
market value, and we used to spend an hour and
a half three times a week building and like helping

(05:26):
her build her body, but also just talking about what
we wanted for ourselves, Like it was therapy for both
of us. So I really wanted to go to this
wedding and it was in Jamaica. We had a long year,
so I was just ready to just get away. I
told you guys the story about how I was burnt out.
I passed out in my room when we were filming.

(05:47):
Sisters and Crystal came in and the medic came in
and all this stuff happened, and I thought I was
having a stroke. At this time, Kay was already in Jamaica.
That was a Friday. Kad left for Jamaica on the Wednesday,
the boys had gotten sick. My parents flew in to
help me because they knew I was filming and the
boys needed needed help moving from practice to school. So
my parents flew in and Kay did her best. She

(06:09):
also got my grandparents to come in, so there were
four adults and my sister came in. Five adults, but
everybody got sick that Friday. I'm driving home. I'm disoriented.
I'm still trying to get home because it's a about
an hour ride from the studio to the crib and
I'm driving. I'm driving, and I'm like, let me call
Kay so I could talk to somebody on my way home.

(06:30):
I called. I said, hey, baby, I had an incident
at work. I'm not feeling well. They almost had to
call an ambulance. I told him not to because I
wanted to finish filming and I'm telling Kay all this
stuff that's going on, and Kay's first words back to
me were, so, you're not gonna make it to Jamaica.
And that was the beginning of the snowball effect. That

(06:52):
became the biggest miscommunication we've had in five years. It's
been about five years at the very least, maybe seven years,
because the last time we had an argument like this
or a miscommunication that became this big was in the gym,
which we talked about in the book, when you told
me you were pregnant with Kiro right well, right before
you told me you're pregnant with Kiro, because once she

(07:13):
told me she was pregnant with Kiro, that's when the
whole all the arguments went out the window. But she
said You're not going to make it to Jamaica. Instantly,
I'm feeling taking for granted, I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling
like okay, so clearly my health isn't a priority right here.

(07:34):
All you care about is me getting to Jamaica so
that I could be there with you. Because everyone else
has their partner there, and I'm just telling her. I'm like, yeah,
I'm not sure. Yeah, I'll see how I feel in
the morning, but as of right now, I really don't
feel like well. I don't know if I should travel
because I also don't know if I have the flu
or if I have COVID or whatever. I don't want
to give it to people. And I'm talking to her

(07:55):
about how I feel, and she goes, well, whatever you do,
make sure you called Delta to get your money back.
And I'm like, dang, she's just talking about the flight.
She still hasn't even asked me if I'm okay. And
I got home, I told her I was home. My
parents were here. They gave me some hot tea and everything.
I went to sleep, and that was the last conversation
I had had with Kay, because Kay was in Jamaica

(08:17):
doing her duties as a matron of honor. The rest
of the story, I'm going to bring k in on
because I want her to give her side while I
give my side to y'all, don't get lost. But that
was the beginning of the biggest miscommunication in our marriage
in the past seven years. Listen, I am alone at

(08:40):
a crossroads. Baby, I'm not at home in my own home,
and I tried and tried. You should have no, So no, listen,
when you tell people they should have known, that's probably
the first mistake that you make. Yes, in communication, spiraling

(09:02):
out of control. Yes, assuming that people should know how
you feel is a problem. Yes, So let's take a
little break, pay some bills, and we'll come back and
we'll give y'all. We'll do a little dance here. We'll
do a dance and dissect. Yeah, we'll do a dance.
We'll go back and forth and talk about what happened.
And I don't think it's necessarily that we're going to
decipher who was right or wrong, but at least we

(09:24):
can understand better. Are we not going to have to
decipher that. Let's take a break and come back anyway? Anyway,
All right, y'all, we're back. Um, And where did you
leave off in the story? So Friday night you came
home right. So, Initially, when Devout called me, my first instinct, yes,

(09:46):
was to be disappointed, because literally the entire time that
I was there, from the Wednesday, I was looking forward
to him getting to Jamaica so that we can be
together eight because we had not been away except for
Saint Lucia before that weekend. But at that point, you know,
it's a wedding weekend. Y'all know how wedding weekends are.
Everybody's in love. The atmosphere is amazing. Jamaica is our

(10:09):
favorite place to visit. Its where I'm from. We're both
dual citizens, so my entire family was also there, my
brother and my sister, my parents, My best friend Christina
came and devots absence to kind of hold stuff down
because she's also friends with Tiffany Brendon, my sister's fiance
was there. So everyone was literally like, damn, we can't wait.
An avowed to get here, so anything that transpired between

(10:29):
Wednesday and Friday, we were all like, oh my god,
Devo would love this, So wait till Val gets here,
Wait till he gets here. So the initial reaction with
disappointment when I heard that you weren't feeling willing, you
wouldn't be able to make it. And that's in turn
why I said, dull shit, make sure you hit delta,
because I know it was also going to be timely.
You were supposed to check into a flight and get
on a flight within a couple hours, and that plane
ticket was like twenty five hundred dollars, and I wanted

(10:52):
to go so bad. I bought two plane tickets, one
on a Friday night yea, and one on a Saturday
because I wanted to. I wanted to get if they're
so bad that I wanted to make sure, okay, if
I can't get there the Friday evening or at least
already have my plane ticket on Saturday to go, I
really wanted to go right, So part of me was like, shit,
that cost the grip. So I was like calling immediately
to cancel your flight. But I also stayed on the

(11:15):
phone with you because you said you weren't feeling well.
You're passed out, so I was concerned about you driving
home alone. So I said, all right, let me step
away from and things. We're kind of winding now activities
for that night. So we were on the phone pretty
much do your entire drive home. I had even said
to you, do you want me to call our driver
to pick you up? You said no, I'm just trying
to get home. I'll get home faster if I have
to wait for him. So at this point I'm just

(11:36):
trying to figure out and decipher how bad things are.
So you also were extremely quiet. And the reason why
we're going to have a back and forth in this
because I want you guys to hear the perspectives but
also hear what the person was actually going through. So
we were on the phone together, but Kadeem was quiet,
she was disappointed. I was driving, trying to focus because,

(12:01):
like I said in the other story, they had to
give me some IVS. I mean they had to give
me a liquid IV I had to take some medication.
I still had to finish filming and we didn't get
done till twelve thirty. So on top of being fatigued,
remember I had lost fifteen pounds from the Monday to
Friday through dehydration for nobody else's fault but my own,
because I wasn't taking care of myself. So I was
really really out of it. And at that moment, all

(12:23):
I really wanted was my wife to be like, baby,
are you okay? Baby, are you okay? Talk to me,
Let's talk this through. Just give me some energy. I
wanted her to uplift me in that moment on this
forty five minute drive home. But instead all I got
was quietness, and when she did say something, it was
make sure that you call Delta to get your money back.
So for me, it just felt like, damn, she really

(12:44):
doesn't care how I feel in this moment. She's just
more upset that I'm not going to be able to
be there with her. That's how I felt driving home
and for forty five minutes. Naturally, I wasn't going to
be speaking the entire time for forty five minutes, but
I did ask, do you want me to call the
nurse because we have a mobile nurse who was come
to the house and give ivs which I had gotten
on that Monday before I left for Jamaica, because I

(13:06):
too felt like, yeah, I got a little tickle in
my throat. I don't want to be sick in Jamaica.
So she came to the house and gave me a
loaded IV So I didn't just ask about the Delta
flight return. I did say, are you able to drive?
Are you good? And I know you were saying just
like I'm just trying to get home. I'm trying to
get home. I said, do you want me to call
the nurse and see if she can come first thing
in the morning for you like, I didn't just disregard

(13:27):
how you felt. Oh no, the nurse thing happened on Saturday,
because I didn't tell you about my weight until Saturday morning. No,
it wasn't about the way you would told me that
night that she felt like you were dehydrated because your
blood pressure was low. And when I gave my sister
your blood pressure, she said, oh, yeah, he's probably definitely dehydrated.
Friday night, it was like one hundred over like seventy

(13:47):
or something, one hundred over sixty, something like really really low.
And when I said it to my sister that Friday night,
she was like, oh, it sounds like he might be dehydrated.
So that's when I said, I would try to get
the nurse to you first thing Saturday morning, because I
know your concern was working. But again, you probably felt
like I wasn't showing enough and I was, and you
were very disoriented. Disoriented I was, I was, I was medicated,

(14:10):
and I was just out of it. I just in
that moment, like I'm saying, when it's miscommunication, what I
heard didn't sound like concerned. What I heard sounded like
frustration that I wasn't going to be in Jamaica, and
I had tried to do everything to get there, so
I felt bad, and I was also upset at myself.
I told Kay I told my parents. I was like,

(14:31):
I can't blame anybody else from my state right now,
but me, I told you that I told my parents
that my parents. Aren't you okay? I said, I'm no,
I'm not okay, And I'm mad at myself because I'm
always on top of everyone else about their healthy I'm
always on top of k about getting sleep. I'm always
on top of k about drinking water and working out,
and I didn't do that right. I'm on top of

(14:52):
my father about his health with diabetes. I'm on top
of my mom with her swollen foot and her blood pressure.
I'm on top of everybody else. And I was just
pissed myself. So there was also a lot of self loathing.
And at the time I didn't know it was burned out,
so I didn't know what was going on with me
emotionally right. So I went to sleep that night. I
was upset at Kadeen, and I was upset at myself

(15:12):
because I felt like Codein just didn't care. I felt
like she was only focused on me. Not being there
for the wedding. So when I woke up in the morning,
I went to bed. That's not nine at light, it
was like even. And I called you at six am
Saturday morning because I was concerned. I barely slept at night.
I was concerned because I was like, damn, you know,
I want to make sure he's okay. But I remember
calling you at six in the morning. I set my alarm,

(15:35):
called you at six in the morning, and I said, hey,
I know you're probably still sleep, go back to sleep.
I just want to see, just hear your voice if
you were okay. Do you remember that happening. No, I
remember I called you. Yeah, so six am I called.
Don't let me start pulling out phone worcords because you
know I will listen. You could pull out phone workers.
I'm just throwing a joke because it's really not that

(15:55):
serious now because we discussed it, I know, but I'm
just saying my part of the story. Don't get mad.
I used getting a little viral, little volatility that even
a word I heard, a little volatility. Just called you
at six in the morning to check on us. Said,
I know you're probably still sleep. You need your sleep.
Go back to sleep. Call me when you just your
body wakes up. Yeah, right, And you called me around

(16:16):
ten am. Yes, I woke up facetimes you and around
ten am, and you were just like, hey, how you feeling.
I slept so almost twelve hours slept. Point No, it
wasn't twelve hours because I wasn't home that early. Remember,
I had to drive home. I had gotten a shower
where I took some more medication. She was. I remember

(16:37):
this only because it was such a big argument that
certain like the details like stick in your head when
you feel like you have to like prove a point.
But all I do know is that I did sleep
a long time, and I don't remember getting a phone
call because I was I was on night night quill.
I was dehydrated. I remember saying, you drank like four
bottles of water and didn't even use your bathroom once.
That's how I knew I was dehydrated. I drank so

(16:57):
much water and I didn't have to use your bathroom.
I woke up. I FaceTime K. We had a conversation.
I think at that point you were getting here and
makeup done, or you were doing something not quite yet.
I FaceTime you that time that morning when you woke up,
my mom and sister were nearby. I think we had
just finished having breakfast. We're sitting on the balcony, so
we were all looking at you, like, how do you
feel you It looked pretty good, I think we felt

(17:18):
and I said I felt better. Yeah. Right. So this
is where another miscommunication came in. I felt better. That
didn't mean I felt good, and me feeling better meant
that I felt better than I did yesterday. Yet the
day before I felt like I was having a stroke.
I legitimately was like scared to death when he told
me my blood pressure and I thought I was I

(17:39):
was like, yo, am I having a stroke? Like? Did
I overwork myself to the point where my body is
not functioning? So I was afraid? Yeah, rightfully. So when
I woke up the next morning and I felt better,
I was like, Okay, I feel I feel better. Started
going throughout the day because also when he talked about
the burnout episode, the whole reason why I didn't day

(18:00):
on campus and I traveled back and forth, it's because
Jackson and Cairo was like, man, Dad's always gone, So
I wanted to be present in those moments. Because the
following week, I had to go back to work again.
Jackson had practice. Kiro also had football practice, so I
took Jackson to practice, took Kyro to practice, came back
until Jackson had a game, went to Jackson's game, came back,

(18:23):
sat down and watched some football, and I believe you
spoke to my mom because my mom had said to me, Devout,
are you really gonna go to the game. And I
said to my mom, I said, Mom, I'm a dad
that like their mom is not here. You're here with
the babies. Jackson can't go to his game by himself,

(18:43):
like like he just can't. So I took him to
his game and I was there. I stayed the whole
time for the game. He played well. Came back home.
I started to feel back to where I was feeling disoriented,
because you know how it is when you first wake up,
you feel good, you hydrated, Then you start moving a lot,
and then your head starts throbbing and you start to
feel like oh. So I went back and I fell
asleep throughout the day, like random times throughout the day,

(19:06):
I was falling asleep, and before I knew it, it
was like the evening time. And then my mom was like,
we need to humidifier. And I think this is where
things started to ramp up for me as far as
me getting upset at you, which was I remember calling
you or texting you and not hearing back directly from you.
And then I was just like, let me FaceTime her

(19:28):
to see if she can tell me where the humidifier
was smelling. The humidifier wasn't working. That was what I
also didn't know was that there were service issues over there.
So I'm FaceTime and cadin not getting no answer. Yeah,
I ended up figuring out the humidifier by myself. Finally
facetimes men. I think it was like eleven thirty. It
was like nine o'clock that night. She FaceTime and we

(19:48):
spoke for maybe thirty seconds. You told me where the
humidifier was. I said, I fixed it. We got off
the phone. Then I didn't speak to you for the
rest of the night. That's all about two am. I
think I facetimed you, and I was sleepy Saturday. All Saturday,
I was sleep by it. So I was a little
upset at that point too, because I'm like, Dolo had hurt,
I wasn't feeling well. He had texted me and called

(20:11):
me all day. He FaceTime me twice. I was so
like out of it. I didn't want to speak to anybody.
Crystal text me, called me like, yeo, I'm just checking
on Y'll say you didn't look good. And when I
didn't answer the text of her phone call, she tried
to FaceTime me. I didn't want to talk to her neither.
I just wanted my wife, like I didn't want to
speak to Brian Jordan Jr. All my castmates who saw
me that day facetimed me that day because they were

(20:33):
just like, yo, d I've never seen you like this,
Trinity Cheeto. The only person that didn't FaceTime me to
see who I was okay was you. And I think
that was the biggest issue for me, was that all
of these other people that really don't matter to me
as much as my wife. And I'm saying that because
I don't want to say they don't matter, right. Crystal
is the one who found me sleep and passed out

(20:54):
and called the medic and took so she definitely matters.
Brian is like, if y'all know me and Brian on
Junior's relationship, y'all know that's like my little brother. He
FaceTime me, was like yo, D like did you can't do?
You got to do better for yourself, Like I felt
like Dan. The only person who really didn't FaceTime me
was my wife. And then on top of that, my

(21:15):
brother in law is there, my sister in law is there,
Brendan is there, who's gonna be my brother in law,
my father in law, my mother's there, and nobody even
called a FaceTime me to see if I was okay.
I was hurt, like I was legitimately hurt, and I
felt like I didn't know what was going on on

(21:35):
that side, but I felt like you guys were so
engulfed in your world of Jamaica and enjoying each other's
company that what was going on with Devout didn't matter.
So on that Saturday when you FaceTime in the morning
style backtrack, that was that was account on Saturday, right,
So Saturday, six am, I remember like getting up. I

(21:56):
had set an alarm because I wanted to make sure
I checked on you overnight and I don't know if
I was going to be sleeping straight through or not,
but called you six am just said hey, I want
to hear your voice, make sure that you are right
go back to sleep. Call me when you get up.
You face time me. Around ten am, I was on
the balcony. It's an inside joke on well not really.

(22:17):
If y'all seeing the meme with the Jamaican guy on
the balcony by the balcony, nobody didn't know how to
pronounce balcony. He was. Bobby told me, I've listed tongue.
I love that one. That's one of my all time
favorite videos. Anyway, I was on the balcony with my
sister and my mom and we FaceTime to you, and

(22:38):
that's when you had told my sister your blood pressure again,
and she was just like the valu, you got to
do better. You're definitely dehydrated. So mom was just like,
you know, make sure you're taking your fluids and whatnot.
You definitely looked better, and I'm like, okay, maybe he
just needed some rest. So this is the day of
the wedding now, so I, as matron of honor, was
trying to do, you know, my matron of honorly duties.
So I'm moving around throughout the day because the I

(23:00):
wasn't there, and I knew he probably was having a
little bit of fomo, probably because he just wasn't there,
and aside from not feeling well, I was trying to
kind of keep him abreast of what was happening, so
he kind of felt like he was in the loop. So,
you know, I sent him a video of Tiffany when
she got her hair and makeup done. I was texting
him throughout, sending him pictures of myself, like just little
things like that so he can kind of feel like

(23:20):
he was included. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, because
that might have been adding insult to injury where you
probably felt like, damn, I'm getting like kind of salt
rubbed in the wound because I'm not there and y'all
are over here having a good time. Meanwhile I'm over
here struggling with the house full of sick people and
I don't feel well myself. Can I tell you how
it felt or you want to just continue let me
continue with then. Yeah, So I was trying to like

(23:42):
just you know, send him little videos and stuff like that. Here.
Once about two o'clock hit, then I was really in
like trying to get dress mode taking pictures, so I
didn't always have my phone with me either. And then
also to the wedding was outdoors, were on the cliff
on the edge, and you know the grill in Jamaica,
So there were service issues sometimes too. But I had
my close by, my hair stylish Channelle was there. She
had my phone where I can just you know, intermittently

(24:04):
take a check and stuff. So once the wedding started
at four pm, which was the start time, it was
literally like ceremony, then we're taking pictures, and then after
pictures you get whisked the way to sit for like
two seconds, and then you're walking into the reception. So
it was literally back to back events. So if I
was on a hiatus in de VAL's mind between the
hours of like two pm and at least seven thirty

(24:25):
eight o'clock, it's because there were so many things going
on back to back for the wedding. Still, I tried
to give little touch bases here and there. I had
even contacted your dad because I said, I know how
de Val is. Deval is the kind of person that
will say he's all right, I'm all right, I'm good,
and I'm always used to him being okay. So I said,
let me hit his dad up. So I called his
dad and I say, hey, how was everything over there,

(24:47):
Because the Val had also mentioned that a few of
the family members weren't feeling okay. His dad was like, oh,
do we're about a poople. We got it under control.
Everything's fine, Everything's all right, you know, you know, we
can handle it. I too, also didn't want to keep
calling his mom and dad, so they fell like I
didn't believe that they can take care of some sick children,
you know. But also too, I wasn't trying to be
insensitive to the fact that I wasn't there, and then

(25:07):
now they're dealing with my four children, two of whom
were sick at the time, and then they were also
getting sick, plus the Val also being sick. So when
I didn't contact the Val after that, well, nine o'clock
you do FaceTime you about the humidifire, Yeah, And then
I went back. It was the rest of the reception happening,
and then I didn't face time you again. I think
it was until about two am. I was sleep when yeah.

(25:28):
So then because they had like an after party, it
was literally like a succession of events and then you
were asleep at that time. I was knocked out. So
we didn't speak until the next day. Yeah, So what
bothered me during that day was you didn't call or
you didn't face time. Me thought the day, see how
I'm feeling nothing. You just kept sending me pitches about
the wedding, So to me, it just seemed like the

(25:49):
wedding was more important than anything that was going on
over here, which I didn't think because your replies to
everything I sent was like you were engaged in what
was happening, so I didn't even think that. That's why
I kept sending more. Now, I just want to point
out that when I was telling me, when you were
telling your story, I asked you if you wanted me
to give my account in between, and you said you
wanted me to let you finish I'm talking. And then
while I'm talking, You're gonna respond to everything I'm saying.

(26:13):
This is just an example of how arguments be happening
in this house, because I'll say to Cadem, I'll let
you talk. Let me know when you want me to intervene.
She'll say, let me get my thought out. I'll let
her get a thought out. The minute I start talking,
she wants to rebute everything I say without letting me
finish my thought. Okay, this is just an example so
that you can see you why sometimes you don't even

(26:35):
see how I truly feel about things because before I
can finish my thought, you want to defend your stance,
and that's that's part of where the miscommunication comes from.
If I can't finish my thought in totality, you're defending
something that hasn't even been presented to you yet. So
at this point it's like you're defending something that I
don't even finish telling you what would happen? Okay, go

(26:56):
for it, you know what? And I also too. I
know we've had this conversation several times, so seen as
though we're telling people this for the first time. That's
my bad. I should let you give your thought in totality,
So I appreciate that. So over here, my dad is
just like me. My dad could be in a house
fire and you say, Scoop, how's everything going. It's cool, bro,

(27:17):
it's cool. You know what I'm saying, Like he's always
And he said to me that he was going to
say to you. Kay's in Jamaica. She can't help us.
Me telling her what's going on over here, how bad
is over here is not going to help her. At all.
She can't help us. Let her just enjoy her time,
and then when she gets back she can help when
she gets back. During this whole time, I'm also concerned

(27:40):
about the fact that my grandparents drove in from Virginia.
My grandfather is seventy five this year. My grandmother is
I believe seventy, and they were getting sick. So my
concerns here were like, I don't want my grandparents to
get sick. You know, what if it is COVID, what
if it is the flu. You know what I'm saying.

(28:02):
I'm stressed out. My parents are both sick, the kids
got to go back to school on Monday, and on
top of that, I have to go back to film
on Monday. And while this is happening, I'm not getting
any calls of concern from you. I'm just getting pictures
of the wedding, you know what I'm saying. So to me,
it just kind of seemed insensitive that It's like, man,
I'm going through a lot over here. I told you

(28:23):
everything I went through last night. It seemed as if
you weren't concerned. I have to be accountable because I
always tell you I'm okay, even when I'm not so
you you feeling like I'm okay and I'm going to
handle it. It's not really your fault because I always
tell you that. I did also feel like the times
you called my dad, you could have called me. Now

(28:44):
you just explained why you called my father. So I
understand that, but think about it in real time. My
father's not even saying to me. I spoke to Kay.
You know what I'm saying, so and so in this
in real time, I'm not hearing that anybody heard from
k Just Kase sends me pictures. When I try to
call a text, I don't get no response. And now

(29:05):
it's eleven thirty, twelve o'clock at night. I haven't heard
from my wife all day, and I'm exhausted, I'm gonna
go to sleep, and I hadn't heard from you, So
I was upset. So, if I'm being one hundred percent honest,
in that moment on Saturday, I felt like if the
tables were turned, I would have got on a flight

(29:26):
first thing Saturday night, as soon as the reception was over,
and I would have been home Sunday morning. That's what
I was thinking, like, if I knew that my wife
was going through all of this at home and everybody
was sick and all this stuff was happening, and then
my wife has to go back to work on Monday.
I'm going to get home as best I can because
I want to be able to be of support to
my wife. And when I didn't even get anything from

(29:48):
you all day Saturday, it was just like, she really
doesn't care. And then Sunday morning happens, and you called
me Sunday morning, and I was in a bad, bad mood,
and then we had another conversation Sunday morning. So on Saturday,
it wasn't that I wasn't in touch with you. You
didn't want me to be. You wanted me to be
in touch with you a certain kind of way. And
I mistook that on my end as just like, oh, well,

(30:09):
de Val can't be here. You know, things don't seem
that bad at home, because when I spoke to your mom,
your mom said to me Verbatim, Kay, Deval's a grown man,
and he's going to do what he wants to do.
And we've made provisions for him to take a nap
here and there, and he won't. He wanted to go
to the game. He went to the game. So she's
so in hearing that, I'm like, okay, So hearing that

(30:30):
fits from her, hearing that from your dad, and then
seeing you on Saturday morning, seeing that you looked better,
I was like, Oh, he probably just really needed some
hydration and some sleep, and he was able to get
up and keep it moving. Also, too, I had reached
out to the nurse about coming to give an IV
to you on that Saturday. She said she couldn't make
it Saturday morning, but she was going to come to
you in the evening. So I was arranging all that
from Jamaica to make sure that you would at least

(30:52):
get someone seen, because I know you didn't want to
go to a hospital or anything. You were just trying
to get better for Monday. Speaking to your mouth, speaking
to your dad and all that. It's a Sunday morning now,
like there would have been no way for me to
get out with the wedding being Saturday night, there would
have been no way for me to get out of
Jamaica Saturday night. Right, The earliest I probably could have
left would have been on Sunday. So when we spoke

(31:14):
early Sunday morning, I think it was around maybe eight am.
That's when you blew up on me on the phone,
and I was just like, yo, I can leave now.
I can catch the first flight out that's available. It's
a two hour drive from the girl to the airport,
and I'll just jump on. I think there was like
a six o'clock flight that was like the earliest flight
I could have taken out. And you were pretty much

(31:35):
just like, I don't want you to take that two
hour drive alone to the airport and then travel by yourself,
so don't even worry about it because you can't do
anything by the time you get here. So I said,
are you sure, because I can leave at this point.
At this point, they were just doing like a boat
ride that day or something, and I was planning to
come home on Monday anyway, and you were just like, no,

(31:57):
I don't want you traveling alone. So I probably should
have followed my mind in that moment and still came home,
because again this was another version of devout saying go ahead,
do that everything's okay when everything is not okay, and
you can tell everybody. Your reply to me on Sunday, well, no, Well, well,
initially what I thought was, first of all, I didn't
know what the flights was I didn't look at the flights.

(32:18):
I felt like you should have came home on Saturday,
right after the night of the wedding. I felt like
you could have caught a late flight home. I don't
know what the flights, yeah, right, So I felt like
you either could have came home Saturday night or early
Sunday morning. The reason why I told you not to
do all of that once you said it is because

(32:39):
you didn't even say to me, babe, do you think
I should come home. I had said to you, I
wish you were here. I said if it were me,
I would have came home. And then you reluctantly said, fine,
I'll come home. You didn't say, hey, babe, I'm gonna
come home. I said to you, I said, you know,
it's funny that and this and this is really what
pissed me off when you were going through everything with
your postpart preclampsure. I was supposed to go to Soul

(33:02):
Train to pump this is my first time presenting at
an award show, and Kadein had got sick the two
days prior, and that whole time when Kadeen was sick,
I didn't sleep at all. I drove there. I drove
her there at night, I came back, dropped the kids
to school, dropped the kids to practice, went back to
the hospital. Every night I did. I own said. About

(33:22):
two or three hours when it was time for me
to leave, I said, Babe, I'm not going to Soul Train.
I'm gonna stay here. You then said to me, no,
you have to go. This is a great opportunity. I
went to Soul Train. When I got to New York,
you immediately got upset at me and said that you
were upset because you really didn't want me to go,
but you felt like I should have stayed. So my
thing was is, when the tables were turned, you felt

(33:43):
like I should have stayed, even though you told me
to go. But then when you had an opportunity to
do the same thing, you chose to stay there instead
of come home. And I felt like that was kind
of opportunistic that when the tables were turned, you knew
what I should have did, even though you told me
not to. But then when you had a chance to
do the same thing, you didn't choose the same thing.
You chose to stay there in Jamaica. And the reason

(34:03):
why I told you not to come at that Sunday's
because we had spoke at that point it was Sunday
like eleven twelve o'clock. Well, if it was eight am,
it's a two hour ride. You said you weren't going
to be able to get to Jamaica get on until
a six o'clock flight. How long is the flight like
maybe three hours? Something? Three hours? So you get home
at nine. After you get home at nine, Black would

(34:24):
drop you back here. You would get home at ten o'clock.
That's the whole day for you to travel by yourself,
that whole time, to not even get here in time
to help with anything because at that point the kids
would be in bed. It seemed like a risk. I
didn't want you to take traveling by yourself to be here,
not to be able to help. So I felt like,
once again, I'm considering your safety and your health and
everything for you, but no one is ever considering me.

(34:47):
On top of that, I did feel like when your
mom needs me, your dad, your brother or your sister
or Brendan, they call me, they FaceTime me, Hey, bro,
this is what I need. I'm there. When I needed someone,
no one reached out to me. So it wasn't just you.
I felt like your whole family was there in Jamaica
enjoying themselves. The only person that sent me a text

(35:08):
twice was mom. Mimi sent me to texts, but other
than that, no one reached out to see if the
Val was okay. I'm not in attendance. Something must be
wrong with de Val, but no one reaches out to
de Val. But the minute someone needs something, let me
call de Val. I just felt like that was fucked up.
So when Sunday came and then you had said to me,

(35:32):
I was explained to you how everything was going on
the weekend, we were upset and that I said, my
biggest concern, Kay, is that I go back to work
on Monday and I'm not well enough to work and
I get sent home and the production stops. And you
said to me, well, then maybe you shouldn't go into
work if you're still sick. And I just felt like
in that moment that that was selfish that you would

(35:52):
tell me maybe it'd be best for me to stay home,
And I was just like, well, when are you going
to tell yourself it was best for you to come home.
It just seems like everything was always on me to
stop what I'm doing when I'm trying to take care
of everybody else, when all you wanted to do is
have a good time in Jamaica. You see what I'm saying.
That's how I felt in the moment. Was that your intentions, No,
but that's how I felt. I just felt like I'm

(36:14):
here handling everything as always, and you go out to
have a good time and then you tell me maybe
I shouldn't go into work. I was thinking, I can't
not go into work. It's a week before Thanksgiving. If
I don't go into work, the production can't go on.
There's three hundred staff members who are probably looking for
these checks to pay for bills through the holidays. I
can't just not show up. So I'm trying to do

(36:36):
everything to be able to be there for myself, for
my family, and for everyone else. And I felt like
you and that moment were only thinking about being in
Jamaica for the wedding. So that's what hurt my feelings.
On top of the fact that I still was just
burnt out, like the whole year had me burnt out,
and I hadn't heard from your family either. You know,
it just felt like I'm handling everything and you and

(36:57):
your family get a chance to enjoy Jamaica, and that
you were sending me pictures or videos of everyone enjoying themselves,
and I was not enjoying myself here. I was struggling,
and I was stressed, and I was worried. So Sunday
that's when I blacked out, and we would argue with
each other and screaming and cursing at each other and
mad at each other and hanging up the phone because
at that point I felt like I couldn't even express

(37:17):
how I felt without you trying to defend your reason
for staying. And at that moment, I didn't want to
hear any defense or any justifications. I did want my
feelings validated, and in our relationships and most relationships. I
even saw a meme on social media, a woman posting
a meme that said, there's a lot of men losing

(37:39):
good women because they'd rather justify their actions than validate
hurt feelings. And I feel like, when the tables are
turned and a man's feelings are hurt, there's no validating
his feelings. It's always well, I did this because of
these reasons, And it's like, I'm not saying that your
reasons aren't valid, but you can't tell me that your
reasons didn't hurt my feelings. And I felt like in

(38:01):
those moments, you were telling me my feelings shouldn't be
hurt because you had every right to do things the
way you did. That's why I got sort of set
on Sunday. On top of that, I wasn't trying to
be a burden, so I was trying my hardest to
be in good spirits and I couldn't shake it. I
just was not in good spirits that whole weekend. May
I interject or may I speak? Now? Yes, that was

(38:23):
a mouthful, so I can't even remember everything you said
because I had a lot of points that came and went,
and I realized in just listening to you, now, this
is something that I learned about when we have our debates.
I need to take notes because I feel like I
need to interject sometimes on a moment, not to defend myself,
but to just give you clarity about something you say.
So I don't forget because now I'm like thinking, I'm

(38:43):
going to forget everything I wanted to say while you
were saying it. I'll start with first off, do you
understand the oxymoron and you saying what you just said.
I was trying to make sure that everybody was okay,
so I wasn't really saying how I felt. But then
you also was saying I was trying to say how

(39:04):
I felt, and I was telling everybody that I didn't
feel good, but I did feel okay enough to go
back to work. So in that I feel like there
was just like this duality of you saying like, I'm okay,
but I'm not okay, and I really didn't know which
one it was. And I'm always accustomed to and I'm
always accustomed to you being okay. So what where I
went wrong in that moment is that I just aired

(39:26):
on the side of devots typically always okay or devot
will figure it out, because you always do. And I
had never seen you in that moment where you were
literally literally on the brink of not just a physical snap,
but like a mental snap, and I didn't know that's
where you were with it, you know, because of course
I'm not in the same space as you. So that's

(39:46):
where confusion comes. When it comes to my family. You said,
Mom texts you twice, my dad Sakari Tristan Brandon Christine.
Everyone literally I would say, literally like every hour two
hours was just like, damn, I wish the vow was here. Damn.
I like, we literally thought about you the entire time,
and they would ask me, how's the val doing? Did

(40:08):
you speak to the value? Is he cool? How's everything?
Are the kids still sick? They were asking me those questions,
and they didn't hit you directly, which is what you
preferred and you wanted. How was I supposed to know?
Right right? You weren't supposed to know that because I
wasn't going to say, hey, everyone's asking for you all
the time either, because I felt like that would be
also adding insult to injury that you're not there and

(40:28):
you wanted to be there so badly. So it's like
I was trying to tow the line between having you
feel included like you were there, but then also being
sensitive to the fact that you might have been having
a little bit of phonemer that you weren't there. So
I didn't want to tell you every two point five
seconds that everybody kept asking for you, and everybody would say,
I don't want to tell you that Tiffany cried the
morning of her wedding because you couldn't be there. She
was like, I literally felt like my brother, like my
only but she's an only child. She's like, I feel

(40:49):
like my brother is not here for my wedding day,
for the happiest day of my life. I don't want
to rub that in your face. Hey, you're not feeling
well and be you can't be there. So I was
just like, damn, I'm not going to keep telling you
every single time somebody's asking for your every time somebody's
just like, damn, I wish de Vo was here. But
to your point, they're adults. They could have taken the
initiative to text you directly if that's what they probably

(41:10):
knew you needed. But them touching base with you, I
guess through me, they were just like, Okay, at least
we're checking on the vow to make sure he's okay.
Because I'm your wife, I'm naturally going to be in
touch with you. So that gripe that you've had with
my family not checking in with you, that's something that
you've spoken to them directly about. And you had a
whole conversation with my family after that, which I appreciate
because a lot of times family stuff confess her you know,

(41:32):
you and I have an argument, it spills over onto
family and then it can cause animosity and linger. But
Devo spoke to my sister, my brother Brandon about how
he felt and everything was at least clarified, right, So
that was another thing. You making the correlation between me
having the postpartum episode that I had with Coda and
having to be hospitalized and this, I think we both

(41:57):
are guilty of knowing that we may not be okay
in that moment, but wanting something so bad for the
other that we say go ahead and do it right.
So it's not that I was thinking back to that
moment of when I had the postpartum preclamsure while I
was in Jamaican and thinking, oh, well, I told the
vow to go to Soul Train, but I really wanted

(42:18):
him to be here. I didn't think about that in
that moment to make the correlation. But since you've made
the correlation after the fact, it wasn't for lack of
me trying to be selfish in the moment and saying, damn,
devoalt don't go to Soul Train and miss out on this.
You know, new big first time opportunity. Your mom was
going to be presented or you know, be your date
that night, so if you didn't go, it would disappoint her.

(42:40):
You know, she was looking forward to that. I had
made plans for her here, her makeup or dress, so
I had done all this to help your mom get
ready for a soul train. You didn't know that this
was going to happen, And in that moment, I felt like,
you know what, I'll be okay. I'm in the hospital,
so I have I'm under the care of somebody who
worst case scenarios, something goes wrong. Once I get home,
I have my parents here, I'll be okay. The same
way I thought, okay, well, if the vows at home

(43:02):
and he has his parents there who were fully functioning
adults that are I trust with him and my children,
his grandparents are there, his sisters there, I felt like, okay,
he would be okay because he has the help. When ultimately,
in both situations, we both just wanted each other, yeah,
and that was where the conflict roles. But everything else
could be happening around it, and we can get upset
about everything else that transpired, but ultimately boiled down to

(43:24):
when you're in a moment where you feel like you
are at your lowest. You don't feel well, you're physically off,
emotionally off, mentally off. You just want your person, yes,
and at least we can agree on that. But in
the moment I didn't see it as such because I'm
always so used to Devol being okay. And that's why
now and after this whole argument, moving forward, I try
to be very very deliberate about saying, Devo, are you okay?

(43:47):
Do you need anything for me? How is your mental space?
How do you feel mentally? I'm always asking now because
after that whole break, now I know that you can't
always have everything. You superman in my eyes. You're superman
to our children, you're superman to a lot of people,
but you're also a human being, and I need to
be more mindful of really investigating that and knowing when

(44:11):
I need to ask those questions to you, and not
just assume that because for the past twenty years Devout
always had it in hard times or not, that you're
always going to have it okay. Well, my issue with
your family is that they don't reach out to you
as a screener. When they need something, they call me directly.

(44:33):
So when I'm not doing well. I don't need them
to look to you as a screener before contacting me.
To me, that's just not that. That to me seems
very opportunistic. When you need something from the value, you
can call the vout directly. But if the vale is
hurting or Devout need something, let me ask Kane. If
k say he's fine, and I don't have to call,
that seems like a cop out. That's what I explained

(44:54):
to your sister. That's what I explained to Tristan and Brendan,
and they agreed. Brendan was like, YO, like, nah, we
should have reached out to you, and Cicari said, yeah,
we should have reached out to you. So my feelings
were hurt on top of the fact that I wasn't
feeling well and I was not in a good mental space.
A lot of this stuff was an extra sensitive version
of devout, and I can admit that because I was

(45:15):
going through something like I was going through something. Even
prior to me getting my feelings hurt, I was already
on the edge because of the burnout from the entire year.
So I can honestly say if it was a normal
day and nobody reached out to me, I probably wouldn't
have cared. You understand what I'm saying. So it was

(45:37):
like the perfect storm of events that put me in
this situation where I wasn't acting as myself and that's
why I called. And this is important anecdote to the story.
After I did it, upset and we got into our
cursy match, and your sister heard me explain how I
felt about everybody. This was on the Monday, because and
this is what I explained. On the Monday, I was

(45:58):
now back at work and I was trying to get
through the day, trying to get through the day, and
it was lunchtime, and once again I had facetimes. You
want lunchtime, and you were out on the beach in
a bikini, and then you started talking to me about
something that happened during the weekend, and I had to
just be honest with you and be like, hey, I
don't want to hear about anything that's happening that happened

(46:19):
on the weekend. That was not a good time for me.
So you telling me about the fun moments kind of
triggered me, and I snapped again because I was like,
I don't want to hear it. And then I explained
to you why I didn't want to hear it. And
while I was explaining it to Cary overheard me explaining it,
and she got her feelings hurt because she heard me
say that everybody can call me when they need something,

(46:39):
but when I needed everybody, no one was there for me.
And she felt like she didn't want to ever be
a burden. And I was like, I was not saying
that she was a burden. What I was saying was
when I needed the people who I'm always there for,
nobody was there for me. I wasn't calling anybody a burden,
but she received it that way. Oh No, What what
you said that made her feel away was that you

(47:02):
said everybody's in Jamaica having a good time when you
afforded them the opportunity to go, and you weren't there,
So she felt like she was being some sort of
financial burden because you paid for the trip, which in
turn wasn't necessarily true, but I think that's how she
took it. She felt like she was being maybe some
sort of financial burden because you afforded her the opportunity
to go, and that's when she kind of felt bad.

(47:23):
I didn't say anything about affording body of the trip,
I said, I afforded everybody the opportunity to live their
life that they did because your parents are your parents.
Your mom is retired and gets to live with us,
your dad now lives with us. I do a lot
of stuff financially for your whole family. No. Absolutely, people
have the freedom to move about. I get it. But
people have the freedom to move and go on places

(47:44):
on Jamaica because of the work that I put in
to allow them to move freely. Yeah, so I did
say that, but I was speaking to you, But I
never said that I didn't want to do that. None
was that. I enjoy being able to be that for people,
but then when I needed someone, no one was there
for me. But I also did apologize to Sakari because

(48:07):
of what my words, how my words made her feel.
And my biggest issue was that I can be big
enough even when I'm in my worst moment to call
people and say, you know what, I should have never
said that that way, and I should have. You shouldn't
never even heard that conversation. You never expressed to me
that Zakari was there listening. Right. You interject a lot
when I'm talking, but at no point did you say Devout,

(48:29):
slow down. Zakari was there, So to me, I kind
of felt like, why did you not even at least
let me know that? But but I was like, fine,
I have to own the fact that I said something
that hurts someone's feelings. The thing that bothered me the
most about that whole weekend is that at no point
did anyone acknowledge that my feelings were hurt. All I

(48:52):
kept hearing was justifications about why you did what you
did and why you didn't call and why there was
no calls and you called my dad and you called
my mom, and I'm like, here once again, it's now Monday,
I'm calling. I have to apologize or I have to
make sure everyone else is okay, and still the vows
feelings aren't even being acknowledged. And to me, I just

(49:15):
felt like, throughout the whole course of that weekend, it
was event after event after event of Devout trying to
make sure everyone else is okay, and everyone else just
saying de vo is fine, so we don't have to
worry about it. And I can't blame anybody else but myself,
And this is the truth. I don't need it now,

(49:35):
thinking back, on it. And this is why I've been
able to move forward and not be upset at you
or be upset at anybody else, is because I am
to blame for that. I never, at any point said,
and this was part of what you said in the
very beginning, your partner is not a mind reader. If
you don't when you say you're okay, don't expect your

(49:56):
partner to what know that you're not okay? Right right
when you did that to me and soul trained and
told me that I can go, even though I waited
to the last minute to leave, and I drove you
from the hospital back home and made everything show was good.
And then I got there and you were upset at me,
and you are upset that I was going, and everything
I felt the same way. I felt like I'm not
a mind reader, kay, Remember I said that. But then

(50:18):
this opportunity came and I expected you to be a
mind reader, and I realized that I can't do that.
So that's how I've been able to move forward. Isn't
saying that I expected you to be a mind reader
based on the fact that when the tables were turned
and you felt the way, you knew what it felt
like so I felt like that she knows what it
felt it feels like to be on this end of it.

(50:40):
Why was she not then based on how she felt, say,
you know what, when that was the other way around.
I was upset and I did tell the vout to
go let me just take my ass home. And I
felt like you chose to do what was convenient for
you at the time, which was going to Jamaica. And
that's what continue to hurt me, you know what I'm saying, Hey,
I completely get it. We've rehashed this time and time again,

(51:03):
and I think I can ultimately chock it up to
me just not really investigating how you felt and maybe
knowing you enough to know that you probably were going
to say the cheer okay when you're not. When we
had the conversation on the phone on Monday. Now, because
the day I'm traveling back, you asked me for photos

(51:25):
of myself that morning because I was. I told you
I was putting on my swim suit, going to buy
the pool, just to kill some time before we were
getting picked up for the airport. Sent you photos. You
sent back all the hard eyes and emojis and all
that good stuff to them. You can wait till I
got home. So when I sat down on the pool
chair close to my sister and we were facetiming, we
were just talking about a bunch of random things. I

(51:46):
think it was just kind of like a touch base.
You sounded okay, you were back to work, and then
I started to mention something about a story that happened,
and that's when you snapped. And to be honest, the
reason why I didn't just stop you in that moment
was because A I was kind of shocked at like
where it went, because I felt like I was getting
two different versions of you the entire weekend. I was
getting you were either super upset or you were fine,
and you were yourself, And I was confused because I

(52:08):
was just like, what the fuck is going on? Like
one minute you seem like you're okay, the next minute
you're flying off the handle. And I didn't know what
was going on. So when my sister overheard what you said,
she was just like WHOA, Like, okay, I never want
to be like seeing as somebody who's just like a
moochair or somebody who is you know, just along for

(52:30):
the ride, Like you know that's not me, Like I
don't function like that, and she said, if that's the
way the val really feels, and that's going to change
a lot of stuff for us. So I was like,
I almost didn't know what to say to her because
I was just like, I couldn't even believe what was happening.
And I was just so confused by the entire weekend
because I kept getting so many different versions of you
that I was like, I just have to get home
and just talk to you face to face to see

(52:51):
exactly how you felt, because it just none of us
were accustomed to the devot that we got that weekend
as things progressed and got worse through Sunday and Monday.
So when I finally got home and we were able
to talk about everything, I was able to see more like, Okay, wow,
this is exactly how you felt, you're telling me now
in the flesh. In that moment, I saw how hurt

(53:12):
you were by the entire weekend. I saw that the
culmination of all the events of the year really just
took a huge mental toll on you. Filming that last
two weeks in November that you did, having had the
year that you had, knowing how stressful the situation was,
I probably should have taken it upon myself to be like, damn,
I know how stressful filming at TPS is. Let me

(53:34):
try to make certain provisions to make sure that you
were going to be okay. Then I also kind of
felt like your dad then that me getting back sooner
wasn't necessarily going to cure whatever you had going on.
So I was like, let me lead into whatever medical
professionals I know that are in Georgia that can actually
help you. In turn, me trying to get the nurse
to come to the house and me trying to make sure, like,
did you need extra freaking you know, liquid IV? What

(53:56):
did you need to make sure that you were going
to at least be able to make it to work
on Monday. Me telling you that maybe you can't go
to work on Monday was me trying to stay devout.
I know you're always thinking about everybody else, and if
you are physically not in a space to be able
to work, if you're mentally not in a space to
be able to work, then you may have to consider that.
And you didn't want to hear that, but it was

(54:16):
really me just saying not to just blow you off
and say, well, figure things out and don't go to
work because I'm having a blast here without you in Jamaica.
Because the first thing I said when you said you
couldn't come was that shit like, I'm so mad you
can't come because I'm so disappointed. All I wanted was
for you to be there. So it wasn't even about that.
I was more so at this point saying, if you
can't work, you maybe need to take a day and

(54:37):
actually get better. Take the weekend, take the Monday, take
the tuthday. And I'm like, people adjust all the time.
Why would they not be able to adjust? If you,
who was always fine, always on point, always delivering, why
wouldn't it be Why wouldn't people be able to make
adjustments if that's what you needed for your health. But
I think you took it as me just trying to
find every way to disregard how you felt, and that

(54:59):
was an no. I didn't. I didn't take it as that.
What I took it as was you and I have
different responsibilities in life, right, And I feel like you
don't understand the full scope of the stress that goes
on being the provider and protector. For example, you wake
up on a random Monday if you don't feel like
posting anything, if you don't feel like going into meetings,

(55:21):
if you don't feel like doing nothing, you have the
autonomy to say I'm not doing that. I can't do
that because the mortgages do on the first, the cardinal
to do on the first. So I operate in a
space of especially being an entrepreneur with a multi media,
a multimillion dollar media business, I can't just say I'm
not going in because we do have people that work

(55:44):
with us. We have partners that work with us who
require payment. We have you know, we have people who
make money based on the things that we do. So
I do feel like in general, but also in this
moment in particular, it felt okay for you to say
just don't go in because of the lifestyle. I've been
able to provide you to say that, but I can't

(56:05):
do that, and I felt like it was insensitive for
you to say that to me because you don't understand
the stresses that I go through every day, whether it's
not feeling well to take Jackson to practice. There are
there are moments in the day where I feel like
I'm just not enough as a father, I'm not enough
as a husband, I'm not enough as a business partner

(56:28):
because I'm always like, for example, you know how many
times I've had to cancel a FaceTime session for running
lines or missing a table read because I will not
miss Jackson's practice. No, I'm saying, so I offered to
take him, and you're like, no, I'm gonna take him
like jack the value you can take, but but I can't.

(56:48):
I'm gonna tell you why I can't. When I missed
his banquet, he said to me, He said to you,
this is why I'll never be an actor, because you
miss moments like this. Yes, I'm under a different type
of dress then you are. So I just felt like
in that moment, and here's the truth about that. You
can't possibly know that level of stress because I take

(57:10):
it upon myself to remove that level of stress from
which is why I say I can't be mad at
anybody but myself. Right from that Friday when I wasn't
feeling well, Remember I kept saying to you, baby, this
is all my fault. I can't blame nobody but myself.
I was running myself into the ground absolute literally not
just physically, but also mentally. Another reason why, and this

(57:34):
is just I'm going to just throw this anecdote in
here because I think it's important for young entrepreneurs to
understand this. The money I was going to make from
that filming that time, a large portion that was gonna
go pay bonuses for Christmas. My thought process was, if
I don't finish filming, how am I going to tell

(57:55):
the people that have worked for me hard for the
past ten and a half months that I can't give
you the bonus that you deserve and worked for because
I couldn't make it through the last five days of filming.
You understand what I'm saying. You had no idea. That
was my thought process, so I can't even blame you
for last shot after and I was so confused, and

(58:15):
it was me also trying to be the strong Okay,
you know you got this, you got this, Hey, send
me some pictures. I'm I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
And then and this is where the mu the miscommunication
comes in. I'm trying my hardest to be strong, and
I'm trying my hardest to say, babe, there's nothing wrong.
I'm fine, until something triggers me and it's just like

(58:36):
I'm not fine. Why the funk? Would you, And then
it's just like ye, and it's just like I have
I have to moving forward. And this is going to
be a large part of my ministry when I speak
to men who want to be in leadership positions. You
have to find a way to communicate to your partner
when you're not okay. It's not weak. It's and not

(59:00):
only just your partner, your business partners. Oh yeah, for sure.
You know what I'm saying, Like, you have to find
a way to communicate to people that yo, I might
need a minute, right because even your children, we can
we can agree to disagree on that. When I said
not being super you don't have to be as transparent
with your children, but you can also let them know, like, hey,

(59:21):
just is how daddy's feeling. I'm going to do my
best to do what I need to do. I just
feel like different levels to it. I feel like I
agree with you or not. I just feel like children
aren't emotionally mature enough to understand when dad says, you know,
I got to go to work to provide. I've tried,
and even though I've tried, I see Jackson's eyes well
up and he'll say to me, no, I get it

(59:42):
and his eyes well up and then I'm not there
for something and he says to you, mom, this is why. Yeah,
And it's like, dang, he really can't understand me. Trying
to ask my children to understand. I just got to
try to be there as much as I can. I
got you, but my business partners, you're grown adult. Yeah
you if you have kids, you understand my wife. We're adults.
We can have that conversation. So I feel like, moving forward,

(01:00:03):
I have to do better because I feel like I
caused everybody around me a lot of grief while trying
to be super strong, and there was no benefit to it,
especially for me. You know what I'm saying that there
was no benefit because we didn't come to any reconciliation
until you came home and Kadina and I decided we

(01:00:27):
need to get There was a time I don't think
anybody knew, but you and I decided we needed to
go away, out of the house, not to an island
in all this, We need to go away, stay in
an airbnb, and let's just sit and talk for a
couple of days. Because I came home that day and
I felt like something had broken me. I felt like
I was abandoned. I felt like no one really cared

(01:00:48):
about Devo the person. They only cared about what Devou
can provide. And I hated feeling like that, and it
was depressing the shit out of me. And I was
just like, why do I feel this way? Is it
them making me feel this way? Or is it something
I'm making myself feel? And that's what I really wanted
to talk to you about it, And having the conversations

(01:01:11):
and hearing your perspective from that side made me realize
that there's no way in hell kdem could have known
things were as bad on this side because I do
a good job of letting codein feel like everything's always okay. No, seriously, no, no, seriously, Like,

(01:01:32):
think about all of the men recently who have committed suicide,
and everybody was just it was just like, why now
I was nowhere near suicide? So I don't even want
to equate what I was feeling in that moment to
what they're feeling. But they also did a good job
of making everyone feel like everything was okay until it
wasn't okay. Yeah, And I'm guilty of that, yeah, not

(01:01:52):
to the extent, not not to the extent of where
I was thinking about harming myself. But it did make
me realize, like, holy shit, how do I expect people
to be there for me when they don't even know
that they need to be there for me. That was it, Devot,
that was it. And that's when after you expressed all
of these things, then I had to reach out to

(01:02:12):
a couple of people in our life, in your life
to say, I know Devot always presents that he's okay,
but he's not. So just love on him a little
bit more, touch based with him, a little bit more,
see how he's doing. Because I felt like that's something
that you needed in that moment. I also felt like
this moment in Jamaica and the whole argument that happened

(01:02:33):
was very triggering for you because your entire life, everyone
always assumed since you were a kid, that Devout got it.
Devot is going to be okay, Devout is the firstborn leader.
He's going to take care of everybody else after him.
Like you were given that responsibility which you've spoken about
and we talk about more in the book, where you
were given all this responsibility early on because your parents

(01:02:56):
just had to work and they had to kind a
way to provide for you and your brother and your sister,
So you were forced to just always be okay and
people expected it and just knew that you were always
going to be okay because you would always figure things out.
So I think that that whole situation was triggering for
you because here was another moment where you legitimately weren't
feeling well and you needed people, but everyone expected you

(01:03:18):
to be okay because you always are, and you weren't. Yeah,
I agree, and in full transparency, I can. I can
be accountable for myself, but I do also think that
you and your family need to be accountable for the
fact that there is always two seconds in a day
where you can say, let me reach out to the
person that matters to me. And I felt on that Saturday,

(01:03:40):
I know you had a lot going on, and you
had said to me on that Saturday, will I had
responsibilities as a matron of honor, as if I was
supposed to just understand that, And I felt like, I
don't give a fuck about that. You have responsibilities as
a wife, Like like your responsibilities as a wife come
before any other title you have except for motherhood. I agree,
And I felt like in though that moment you chose

(01:04:01):
that that was more important, and I felt like, and
this is just me speaking where I felt like you
weren't holding yourself accountable. I just felt like you were
saying to me that I didn't have time, devot. I
didn't have time devot, and I'm like to pick up
the phone and check on somebody takes thirty seconds. You
can't tell me that there was no point during that

(01:04:24):
day on the Saturday, because I didn't see you the
whole Saturday except for early in the morning, and then
Sunday we spoke early in the morning, I FaceTime you
FaceTime me, but for the rest of the day I
hadn't even seen my wife. Well, I was sending you
photos and stuff, so I thought that like me texting
you back and forth and trying to keep you in
the loop with me, trying to be in touch with you,
and then I know that I know that it was
very far and few between. I think we had one

(01:04:45):
interaction between the hours of like four pm when the
wedding started, and then nine thirty right and it was
a quick like touch base about something, and then you
didn't hear from me again. So I understand how you
feel and I'll say that I could have every hour
just picked up the phone and said, hey, you're checking
on you. Hey, just checking on you, Hey, just checking
on you. But I was also battling with do I

(01:05:07):
keep doing that to remind him that he's not here,
or do I just kind of let it be, like
you know, I was, because I didn't know what what
you were feeling. Legitimately, I hear what you're saying, but
if I'm being honest, that just sounds like excuses to me,
because when I was got a soul trained, there wasn't
and I didn't check on you every hour, but there
was no point where a long period of time didn't

(01:05:27):
go by where I didn't I didn't call you and say, yo,
I'm a sole trained look at this. I said, how
are you feeling? Bade? And I feel like I've always
done that, like I've always put your health, your mental health,
your well being first, even when it was the most
important thing in my life at that poement. That's my
first time presenting in an award show and taking my mom,
I still had the mental fur to two to say,

(01:05:50):
let me check on my wife. It wasn't no, you
not be a basket case. Y'all. I mean we both basketcases. Clearly,
you know, extra basketcase that nobody had ever seen before
in this particular moment. You never like that, right, You're right,
So it's different. You're right. I'll admit that, like I'm
used to you being a basketcase, so I know how
to move. I will admit that, like I'm I'm not
going to absolve myself. That's what I'm not trying to do.

(01:06:12):
I'm not trying to insolve myself either, because I could
have done more, you know what I'm saying. I could
have And I do feel like sometimes the communication, the
miscommunication just comes from you know, like just just check
on me, bro, Like just just check on me. And
the miscommunication also comes from let me be honest, right
by babe? How you feel the overarching topic here, y'all

(01:06:34):
listen to this entire back and forth. Feel like for
the whole hour, I feel like it's good because I
don't even want to do listener letters. I want to
do moment of truth. So let's do things a little
unconventional for this show, right, So we won't do listening
letters because I feel like we both had This is
like our listen we was our own listener letters exactly.
We're representing y'all with what the disagreement was. So let's
take a quick break and so we can jump right

(01:06:54):
into whatever our moment of truth is for that episode. Deal,
we'll be back, all right, y'all. So we're back, So
go ahead, jump into a moment of truth. Baby. So
this is my moment of truth as a man who

(01:07:15):
claims to be a leader and a provider and a
protector of my family. I have to be honest when
my wife says, Yo, how you feeling. I have to
be honest to say, babe, I don't feel good. And
if you've noticed, I've been more honest and upfront with
you and my business partners about stuff. Who are not
that's not rubbing me the right way, right. I've made

(01:07:39):
it a choice. I mean, you guys don't know everybody
in the podcast crew, but this year I've made it
a point that when I have an issue with someone
or something doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, I'm gonna say
the real time because I don't want it to fester
and it become a thing where months later go by
or years later and devout blows up and they're like, Yo,
he didn't say nothing the whole time. That's on me.

(01:08:00):
So my moment of truth is for gentlemen, if you
honestly don't feel good about something or don't feel good,
say something in real time, don't expect people to know
because that's a huge miscommunication. That's a good one. So
Triple had a list of you know, how to communicate
effectively and I kind of skim through it, and I
think one thing that I can take from it is

(01:08:21):
finding a way to assert yourself without being disruptive, dismissive,
or demoralizing, clearly stating your issue and how you'd like
to resolve it. So for me, I feel like I'm
still trying to figure out what this dance is of
expressing how I feel without having the feeling to want
to interject every time you say something that may in

(01:08:42):
my mind need clarity and when there is a miscommunication
that arises, I feel like in general, and this can
work for men or women, really try to listen and
if it requires that you it might see an extreme.
Like I said, take notes on the bullet points or
moments that you said, Like I don't want to free
get something, and I also want to be able to

(01:09:03):
yeah as a debate team person, right, I get that,
So I get it. Yeah, I feel like that's what
I need to do sometimes because you just see me
interjecting as a being disrespectful or just trying to be
disruptive or dismissive of how you feel in that moment,
But in me it sparks a moment of like, oh no,
like I think you might have misunderstood, because ultimately what
we want to gain is understanding right of how the

(01:09:24):
other person feels so we can move accordingly. So if
I feel like you may have a misunderstanding with something
you say in that moment, I need to then interject
and say, hold on, you're mistaking how I feel, or
you're mistaking what I did. Where I should like we
practice today, you saying your piece, asking if you're okay
and you're done, and can I interject or can I

(01:09:44):
now speak that way? It gives a better strategy, I think,
for a nice kind of dance where we go back
and forth, where it's not a back and forth that's
combative or it feels like you're just being defensive, which
I get to tend to be late bold a lot
whenever we have disagreements, So moment of truth time if
it needs, or if it requires, for you to keep

(01:10:07):
track of your ideas and your thoughts mid conversation so
that way you can then not necessarily refute your argument,
but just say how you felt and how the other
may have misconstrue what you said. Do that, take your
notes and be able to eloquently express how you feel
so that it becomes ultimately understanding and clarity. No, I
understand where you're coming from because I never even thought

(01:10:27):
about it until you said it. Once again, this is
me thinking that everyone's mind operates like mine. Being a
member of the debate team, you can't interrupt someone while
they're debating. So if we're having a conversation, I typically
let you get all your thoughts out yes beforehand, So
then when I start to talk and then you cut
me off, it is a sign of disrespect, especially in debates,

(01:10:49):
because it's like I can't even finish my thought without
cutting me off, And it's like I just let you speak,
and then I'm used to remembering the points that I
want to review and then going back to it. But
I know it may not be an exercise that you've
done your life literally an exercise. I get that. Yeah,
because when you had your whole run of show for
what happened on Sunday, I was like, oh, shoot, okay,
they're Soul Train Awards. Okay, Soul Train Awards, and I'm like, okay,

(01:11:09):
the flight, I didn't move the Okay. So I'm literally
and then i find myself almost now not listening to
you because I'm trying to remember what I want to
talk about. I'm glad you said that what happens. I'm
glad you said that because that's how I feel. I
feel like I'll be talking sometimes and you'll stop listening
to what I'm saying, and you want to argue the
one point that you want to get across, and I'm like,
did you not listen to anything else I say? And

(01:11:31):
I'm like, argue with you about a minute point that
wasn't even my whole point, and You're just like, but
I want to make sure that you understand this. Yeah,
but now I'll understand why that's exactly what happened. So again,
something new that we learned today, and this is important
for everyone to see, Like, this is why we never
claim to be experts, because we are still learning about

(01:11:51):
each other and we are still loving on each other.
But that doesn't mean that everything is perfect all the time.
Like that doesn't mean that when you see on social
media or since we wrote a book that man when
they have disagreements they just sit down like a dough. No.
Sometimes we'd be screaming and hollering and cursing and walking
away and it's like, yo, let's realist back in. But
we also both are dedicated to the process of learning

(01:12:15):
each other so that we can be better the next time. Absolutely.
All right, y'all, hope this helped if you were able
to pull any you know, tips and things that you
can utilize within your own relationship. I think it's just
at this point not just a man and woman thing.
It's a person thing, Like, yes, what style of arguments
or style of debate are you? And now that Jackson
has joined the debate team, you can give him tips

(01:12:36):
about it because I sure don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey at the time. All right, y'all still writing for
listening letters, So I'm going to still tag that there
even though we didn't get a chance to get to it,
because we had real life listening letters right here today.
If you want to be featured as a listener letter
and you had some argument with Bay and you said,
you know what, I don't know if he's right or
she's right, or she's right, or she's right, or he's
right or he's right. Whatever. Go ahead and email us

(01:12:58):
at Data's Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E
A d as A d V I C E at
gmail dot com. And be sure to find us on Patreon, y'all.
We are there giving you exclusive dead As podcasts, video content,
and so much more of the Ellis family there, so
be shure to sign up and you can find us
on social media. The podcast page is dead As the

(01:13:18):
podcast and I'm Kadin. I am on Instagram and TikTok
and that's at I am Devo on Instagram and Facebook.
And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
review and subscribe dead Ass, y'all. Dead Ass is a
production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and is produced by Denrapinia
and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass,

(01:13:39):
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