Alone is Not a Bad Word with Chelsea’s Sisters, Simone and Shoshanna

Chelsea’s sisters are back by popular demand!  Shoshanna and Simone are here to chat about why terrible driving is an inherited trait, the ups and downs of traveling with family, and what menopause really means.  Then: A newly-single gal decides she doesn’t want to jump into the dating pool.  A deadbeat baby-daddy comes back to haunt a loving family.  And a highly-sensitive sister makes life difficult for everyone around her. 

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you?

Speaker 2 (00:04):
I am coming to you live from Los Angeles, Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 (00:10):
I can't believe it, you're actually here in your house.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
I know I'm not from Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 (00:15):
I'm so.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
I did Nueva yure Si, but I'm Pedro Estoi and
Los Angeles.

Speaker 3 (00:20):
I am.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
I have a new assistant who only speaks Spanish to me,
and I'm hoping that he will cut it out because
we are not communicating well. I'm like, I only want
you to speak Spanish and now then like three sentences in,
I'm like, okay, a little bit of.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
English, you know what, starting with Panglish is fine.

Speaker 3 (00:35):
But I'm home. I'm a home in Los Angeles. I
haven't been here in forever.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
My house is still not done, but I'm living in it,
and Doug is here. And Doug loves me, and that
is really the most important part of this story.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Are you two having a love reconnection.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
He's so sweet, he loves me, He gets into bed,
we play together, he follows me everywhere.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
I mean, this is exactly what I was hoping for.

Speaker 2 (00:56):
And my bell, he does not give a shit about
my bell, and that is exactly what I was looking.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
For he's bonded with you.

Speaker 3 (01:02):
Yeah. Yeah, we have a really ridiculous episode today.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
And I want to preface this episode by telling our
listeners that I had my sisters back on the podcast
because everybody really seemed to enjoy it last time, and
everyone really enjoyed my niece episode, so.

Speaker 3 (01:17):
I mistakenly booked them again.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
And one of them is a hot fucking mess during
this entire podcast, and I can't wait for you guys
to figure out which person that is and understand why.
The other sister, who was also on this podcast episode,
has since told me they are no longer available to

(01:39):
do podcast.

Speaker 4 (01:42):
When she said that is it.

Speaker 3 (01:44):
We're done with your podcast and you were done with us.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
I'm so sad. We love them, we love them on
the podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
I cannot believe this episode. I hope you guys enjoy it,
and please let us know your thoughts. Please welcome Shoshana
and Simone Handler.

Speaker 4 (02:00):
Hello, what are we talking about?

Speaker 3 (02:07):
You guys?

Speaker 2 (02:08):
We're talking You guys are doing the same fucking thing
we did last time. We're giving counseling with Catherine. We're
taking live callers.

Speaker 4 (02:16):
Before that, before the call, we're gonna well, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
What did you take today?

Speaker 2 (02:20):
Anything special for your performance this afternoon? Are you on
anything that we need to know about, Shshana.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
No, I'm not anything. That's a lie. I think you
took something.

Speaker 4 (02:32):
No, I didn't.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
What would you prescribe doctor Handler a beta blocker? I
would prescribe her a beta blocker. Actually, I've prescribed Simone
a beta blocker before and with what success. Actually, for
anyone who's listening, these are my two sisters, Simone and yes, Shashaana,
I know that you're on something. I can tell by
the smile on your face that you took something, and

(02:55):
that's okay. You're allowed to take something if it calms
your nerves to talk to people.

Speaker 4 (03:00):
Okay, let's go, do you.

Speaker 3 (03:04):
Anyway?

Speaker 2 (03:04):
These are my sisters, Simone and Shoshana, and they are
back by popular demand.

Speaker 3 (03:11):
For ciss Cissy Advice.

Speaker 1 (03:12):
Truly popular, like your episode is one of our most
listened to last year.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
Don't tell them they're gonna want to get into my
cash flow if they know that, so don't give them
too much background.

Speaker 5 (03:22):
Okay, please, Catherine, keep it to yourself.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
Girls, you know what we can talk about.

Speaker 2 (03:27):
Actually, to open up our episode today, we're going to
talk about the fact that this was funny.

Speaker 3 (03:32):
I have a friend, Sophie.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
She came to visit us on vacation and she she
was telling us about an recent experience she had at
work getting an anonymous three sixty review. So the people
that report to you or her in her case, reviewed
her performance as a CEO and gave her feedback about herself.
But I don't know why it's called an anonymous three

(03:53):
sixty because it's not that.

Speaker 3 (03:55):
It's pretty obvious telling, you know.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
So anyway, she pitched the idea at our life summer
vacation on the Vineyard when we were all together that
we should do a performance anonymous three sixty review our
family members our family members to see who fucking has
earned the right to be on the trip and who hasn't,
you know, like who's contributing? What does this person bring
to the table. Does this person make drinks for everyone?
Does this person cook?

Speaker 3 (04:19):
You know what?

Speaker 5 (04:19):
And everybody's on board.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
Everybody got it very very nervous, and especially Shshana and
Simone were like, we're not doing that. And I was like,
I think it's a great idea, and Sewn is like, well,
who's gonna review you.

Speaker 3 (04:33):
I'm like, I have no secrets review me. I already
know what you all think of me.

Speaker 4 (04:37):
And the only ones that really need to be nervous
are the in laws.

Speaker 3 (04:40):
Yeah, that's right, and they know why.

Speaker 6 (04:42):
Yeah, but I mean, you know you can't you come
to the family. You know, your personality should have been
checked before the marriage, not now twenty years later.

Speaker 4 (04:50):
Yeah, if they're gonna get booted.

Speaker 2 (04:52):
No, because of the exposure, the repetitive exposure that I'm
subjected to, has made me rethink my strategy.

Speaker 3 (05:00):
Gee, I didn't know twenty years ago.

Speaker 2 (05:03):
That I wasn't gonna want a vacation with everybody all
the time. Now I know because I've done it so
many times that I have Like I it would be
called a non anonymous three sixty. Actually we renamed it
a non monogamous three sixty, which I'm not sure what
that has anything to do with, but that's where we
went with it. So anyway, just thoughts that are spinning around.

(05:24):
That's the kind of vacations we have. I threaten my
family when we go away that this may be the
last trip ever.

Speaker 3 (05:29):
And that's pretty much the pattern.

Speaker 4 (05:32):
But let's face it, it's the in laws that are going
to be at the top of the list.

Speaker 2 (05:35):
Okay, all right, well I guess you're trying to build
immunity for yourself.

Speaker 5 (05:38):
But yeah, this is like survivor, it is.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
But what I decided to do so another way for
me to avoid my in laws is I don't even
know why I have in laws.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
I didn't get married, you know, why do I have
to deal with this?

Speaker 2 (05:52):
So I decided to take all my nieces and nephews
to my Orca and I was like, this is a
good work around to avoid the other adult set, you know,
are kind of But now I have two interlopers, my
brother Glenn and Roy have invaded the trip. So we're
doing an all boys trip.

Speaker 3 (06:06):
Apparently. I put them in.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
A hotel together, in a hotel room with two beds
for two sixty year old men, and I think that
is going to be fucking out of this world an adventure.

Speaker 4 (06:18):
And they're the two most opposite people you can put together, basically, like,
you know, one's neat and one's a big slum.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
Well, Roy travels with a garbage bag as his suitcase.

Speaker 4 (06:29):
Well no, no, he goes shopping wherever he ends up
and just buys some clothes there he travels.

Speaker 2 (06:35):
Light shopping is in quotes because I wouldn't call what
he's doing shopping. It's like he picks up the basic necessities.
So he'll get boxer shorts and maybe a couple T
shirts and some gross, you know, sweatpant outfit thing.

Speaker 6 (06:48):
And something is he buys the T shirt from the
place he's visiting, so all week long he's wearing the
T shirt from the place the tourist buy. So it's
like Martha's Vineyard all week or Edgartown and that's where
he is. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
Roy is very much like our father.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Our father was a slob, but not when he was younger,
only when he was older.

Speaker 4 (07:08):
Yes, he got older, everything went down.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
It went downhill, right Like when I grew up. He
would show up to my softball games. It was the
sweaters covered in dog hair and just you know, embarrassing.
It's like, yeah, slip on sneakers, what are those things
that he wore?

Speaker 5 (07:23):
Those where you little duck shoes, little l Yeah, but he.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
Never put his foot fully in, so there's always half
of his foot hanging.

Speaker 3 (07:31):
It was just so gross.

Speaker 2 (07:33):
Anyway, Roy has picked up some Seanna you have picked
up some of the Dad's habits too.

Speaker 4 (07:38):
By the way, Oh really, would you care to expand?
I'm not sure I want to hear this.

Speaker 5 (07:48):
You're gonna have to give examples.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
I don't know. I mean, Simone, I don't know. You're
not a slob.

Speaker 5 (07:54):
I can give you one example that your driving skills
are very much like Dad. Like you. Stops are just
like a suggestion.

Speaker 6 (08:01):
To you, but behind places like you're like weaving in
and out of traffic.

Speaker 3 (08:05):
Vashume he's a lunatic driver. I'm also not.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
I'm also a driver that's better on my own than
having any passengers because I don't want to hear about
it what I'm up to on the road.

Speaker 4 (08:14):
Listen, in New Jersey, it's every man for himself. You
have to just survive, so you gotta do what you
gotta do. It's genetic, though, is it. Yeah? I mean
I learned to drive from him. We had to follow
him to pick up used cars. And in order to
follow him, you had to go through every red yellow
light that existed just to stay with him because there

(08:34):
was no you know, cell phone with directions like if
you lost him, you were on your own and you
would find a pay phone.

Speaker 2 (08:40):
He would be like, Hey, I need you to come
with me to pick up a car, and you're like fuck.
And then you had to go follow him to Verona
or West Orange or something. And he never would stop
at stop signs. Yellow lights meant go, red lights meant
go slow through them while you look both ways.

Speaker 3 (08:55):
It was.

Speaker 2 (08:55):
And then if you didn't keep up with him, he'd
scream at you and be like, why weren't you following me?

Speaker 3 (08:59):
It's like, because I'm he's not a fucking lunatic.

Speaker 4 (09:02):
Yeah, that's why I drive that way.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (09:04):
I have some special driving skills too. They're not they're
not great. I mean I I think they're great, but
most people don't. Most people don't drive it with me
because they they'll get sick. But Shashana when Charlie was
a little girl, remember she she got cars sick the
whole time. When you would take her to school every morning,
they thought she was she had motion sickness, which she does,

(09:26):
but it was because Shawna gave it to her drivers,
which she was.

Speaker 3 (09:30):
Shana.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
She would just and then in Africa this summer she
threw up on the plane.

Speaker 5 (09:35):
No, she's had motion sickness. Every trip we've ever been on.

Speaker 4 (09:38):
She really had motion sickness and it was more like
for long drive.

Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yeah, but she got the motion sickness from your driving.

Speaker 4 (09:46):
Well, you're entitled to your opinion, Simon.

Speaker 3 (09:51):
What do you have to say for yourself?

Speaker 5 (09:53):
Not much. I'm at work, girl, So this is you know,
this is a little low.

Speaker 2 (09:58):
Well it's not that down low, Simon, because we have
a lot of people that listen to this podcast, so
they're gonna.

Speaker 3 (10:03):
Find out, Oh, I'm at work.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
Okay, So you're at work giving it life advice to people.

Speaker 4 (10:07):
This is your lunch hour. It's fine.

Speaker 5 (10:10):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (10:10):
So you want to talk about menopause.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
Sure, let's talk about that, because actually this is a subject.

Speaker 4 (10:15):
Where are you with your menopause journey?

Speaker 2 (10:17):
I don't know because I got an ablazion after Simone
got one and she told me about it, and then
I went and got one immediately, and I don't know
if I where I am because I don't get a
people the way, have.

Speaker 5 (10:28):
You told your listeners about that procedure, because that.

Speaker 6 (10:30):
Procedure is not very like well known and doctors don't
talk about it.

Speaker 2 (10:35):
An ablazion we've talked about it, Yeah, we have we have. Yeah, yeah, no,
it's it's amazing. It's the best thing I've ever done.
I mean not ever, but it's one of the best
things I've ever done. It's amazing once you stop getting
your period, that you just forget about periods altogether. Like
it should be like more of a season of gratefulness
to celebrate no more periods before you just ease into
the rest of your life.

Speaker 3 (10:56):
Because if someone.

Speaker 2 (10:57):
I mean I would have gotten rid of it when
I was sixteen, if I had known about this Ablasian thing.

Speaker 4 (11:01):
But for most people, they have to go through everything else.
I mean, most people are not getting an Ablasian to
start menopause.

Speaker 5 (11:07):
But they should.

Speaker 6 (11:08):
Like that's my point, Like if people like goo, they suffer,
they have heavy periods, they have accidents then, and the
doctor never brings up that this is an option. That's
my point is that it's like such a great option
if you're done having kids.

Speaker 1 (11:20):
And you had a good experience with that, Oh my.

Speaker 6 (11:23):
God, it took like fifteen minutes and then my life
was like back on track.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
That's amazing.

Speaker 6 (11:27):
It was literally anemic for like two years before that,
and it just solved that problem overnight.

Speaker 3 (11:32):
SHAWNA. Do you still get your period?

Speaker 4 (11:34):
No, So a lot of people don't know this. The
definition of menopause is the day. It's one day, twelve
months after you've stopped getting periods. It's literally one day.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
So good to know.

Speaker 4 (11:47):
You're either premenopausal, which happens like for years before you
actually go through menopause, or your postmenopausal, or you have
menopause for one day. So there's pretty much before or after.
So yes, I have I probably a year and a half,
so I am postmenopausal, but I'm suffering from hot flashes,

(12:07):
night sweats, mood swings, poor sleep, weight gain.

Speaker 2 (12:12):
You wouldn't say that's menopause. You would say that's postmenopausal
because those are all menopausal symptoms.

Speaker 4 (12:18):
Now, all these symptoms can happen before, during, and after.

Speaker 2 (12:21):
Yes, okay, So so menopause is the day you said,
twelve months after you've had your last period. Yes, and
it's just that one day, Yeah, like Halloween.

Speaker 4 (12:31):
Exactly one day. I've never heard that before.

Speaker 6 (12:34):
I always thought it was a period of time that
you're having symptoms.

Speaker 5 (12:37):
It's not the whole period of time.

Speaker 4 (12:39):
No, people just confuse the term and it's just become like,
you know, vernacular. But really it's not, you know, it's
just the literally that one day that you're one year
without any period.

Speaker 3 (12:49):
So okay, well that's that's good information to know.

Speaker 4 (12:53):
You know, but that all these symptoms can last from
you know, a year to ten years even.

Speaker 5 (12:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (12:58):
Yeah, I don't know if I have symptoms.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
I mean I sometimes wake up sweaty and that that's something,
But I don't know about other symptoms.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
I don't know what are the other symptoms, memory.

Speaker 4 (13:07):
Memory loss or memory problems, trouble, sleeping, hot splashes, night sweats,
vaginal dryness.

Speaker 2 (13:14):
Thank you, that sounds hot. Thank you for bringing that up.
So it's like, what time is it is? It's not
even noon. I want to talk about vaginal dryness. What
are people supposed to do about vaginal dryness?

Speaker 3 (13:24):
Lube? Is that what you're supposed to do?

Speaker 2 (13:26):
And are you supposed to lubricate your vagina when you're
having sex only or are you supposed to lubricate it
all the time?

Speaker 3 (13:31):
How does that work?

Speaker 5 (13:32):
That seems like a subject for another project.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
No, guys, this is a health podcast shown us A
registered nurse, Simone works in the healthcare industry and I'm
a doctor.

Speaker 3 (13:41):
So between the three of us we can figure out.

Speaker 4 (13:43):
So you can't explore hormones, hormone replacement or bioidentical hormones.
And yes, you can supplement with loub.

Speaker 3 (13:53):
Supplement with lube.

Speaker 2 (13:54):
You're not supposed to lubricate your cayslopis every day, right.

Speaker 5 (13:58):
I don't think we know the answer to that questioned Again.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
I think the answer is no, no, no, pun intended
or pun intended.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
I do have a question about have you both been
through menopause or like postmenopausal?

Speaker 5 (14:13):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (14:13):
Yeah, So aside from the physical manifestations of it, are
there any sort of like emotional positive emotional feelings that
you've gotten, Like, yeah, great. You know, some cultures believe
that postmenopausal women are like basically your like goddesses because
you have that sort of strength of character and not
giving a fuck that you do before you go through puberty.
Are you feeling any of that? Are you feeling extra confident, happy,

(14:37):
anything like that?

Speaker 6 (14:38):
I feel like you get that with age, but I
don't know that it's directly related to hormones or menopause.

Speaker 5 (14:44):
I feel like after you get to a certain age,
you start to give less and less of a fuck.

Speaker 6 (14:47):
I mean about everything, and that you don't like people
have opinions. You're like whatever, you just don't care. But
I don't know that that's an effect of menopause. I
think that menopause does have some like emotional like valleys,
kind of like this same thing when you're having your
period or whatever, you're on this sort of you know,
emotional roller coaster your whole life. I think you go
through that during menopause too. Some people get really really

(15:09):
sad and emotional, and some people don't.

Speaker 5 (15:12):
Like it's very very individual.

Speaker 2 (15:14):
And it's just so annoying that there's not a barometer
to tell you when you're feeling those mood swings that
it's related to your hormones. Like it would be more
beneficial to say, you have a mood coming on for
the next two to four days and you're going to
be a bitch, Like I want to know that information,
Like there should be some sort of smart app that
can tell you, But.

Speaker 3 (15:33):
Sure there is, actually there has to be.

Speaker 6 (15:36):
Yeah, I'm sure it has to do with your temperature,
Like you could put something, you could put a monitor
on you that would be able to show your cycles,
but nobody you know, because women's health is such a
low priority in terms of what people are working on.
It's probably just not out there, but I guarantee that
that can be easily created.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
And ablationions are recommended highly for people with endometriosis, right, yeah,
because of the Yeah, so if you have endometriosis, you're
definitely a candidate. Before we take callers, here's an upbeat question.
Where do your favorite memories from childhood? Lie, Shauna, you
go first?

Speaker 4 (16:10):
I would have to say Martha's Vineyard for sure. It's,
you know, still to this day, my favorite place in
the world. And I just remember like there always being
somebody around to play with, to hang out with, to
do something with because we had six kids, and just
like an endless summer, you know, that just was seemed
like forever and it was like Cameloin just beautiful, just

(16:32):
beautiful memories of the beach and the water and warm
weather and good food and laughing and playing and ticks.
That would definitely be it.

Speaker 3 (16:41):
Yeah, what about you, Simone?

Speaker 6 (16:44):
Actually this came up recently because I was talking to
someone about mom and different memories that came up, and
this really really strong memory came up of a trip
I took with her when I was about ten years old.
For some reason, she just I don't know, you were
like an I think she chills. And I took a
trip with her to California. So it was my first
trip to Seattle and then LA and it was just

(17:07):
the two of us, or mom and me, and we
just did all of.

Speaker 5 (17:11):
This cool stuff together.

Speaker 6 (17:12):
And we rented a car together and I got a
map and we like went all around LA and all
around Seattle and it was just like this really really
I have no idea again why nobody else came, but
it was just such a really fond memory that I
have my first plane ride and my first like big city,
and I don't know, I just had have been thinking
about that for a while because it was just one

(17:33):
on one time.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
I remember a time when I was eight or nine
and Mom took you to look at colleges.

Speaker 3 (17:38):
I think, Simone, now I.

Speaker 2 (17:40):
Must have been seven, because you would have been seventeen,
and she was taking you to look at colleges. And
I remember being so fucking pissed at her for leaving
me alone with Dad, and I was like unforgiving, like
I wrote her the nastiest letter.

Speaker 5 (17:53):
You wrote her a letter in response.

Speaker 2 (17:55):
I was like I cannot believe that you would leave
a seven year old daughter alone with your husband. Been like,
this is ridiculous and you've deserted me and I Yeah,
I was so pissed at her for taking that trip.
So that was another trip you got to take with
mom alone while I stayed at home with dad.

Speaker 6 (18:11):
All about that, Seanna, where were you in that scenario?
It seems like you would have been like helping out?

Speaker 4 (18:16):
Now, Yeah, I mean, how old would I have been five?

Speaker 3 (18:19):
Twelve? If I was seven?

Speaker 2 (18:21):
You were twelve once Simone went for the second trip,
is what I'm talking about. Oh, so you were twelve,
so you were probably torturing me as usual.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
Probably probably, or vice versa.

Speaker 2 (18:34):
Okay, Well, my favorite memories are for Martha's Vineyard, for sure.
I have only fond memories from Martha's Vineyard, even though
that is where we found out our brother died and
my brother's favorite place. I think of Martha's Vineyard as
like the most idyllic childhood scenes. Everything was so nice,
our bikes and riding into town and hitchhiking and walking

(18:54):
around in bare Feet and Main Street and Egertown and
going to South Beach and just the food and the
blueberries and all this. Yeah, it was really Those are
my favorite memories.

Speaker 5 (19:04):
Yeah, I think it's part of it.

Speaker 6 (19:05):
It's just the freedom we had up there, Like we
were so lucky that I think that was the single
best decision probably my father ever made, was to buy
a house up there. As opposed to all the kids
that we grew up with, they all went down to
the Jersey Shore every summer, and I was like jealous
of that until I realized that Snooky.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
Then she met Snooky and was like, wait a second,
and we were in the right place at the right.

Speaker 5 (19:25):
Time, in the right place. We got to escape.

Speaker 6 (19:28):
Like I literally had a completely different friend set, different personality,
like a whole different life up there. It was like
having literally having a double life. Like living up there
in the summers was so awesome, and we had so
much freedom because our parents were always out to lunch.

Speaker 3 (19:43):
Yeah, not out to lunch. Not No, they wouldn't even
go out to lunch. That would have been an improvement.

Speaker 2 (19:51):
Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going
to be right back to take some calls.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
This week. We'd love for you to write in questions
you have about your new relationship. If you're newly dating
someone and you're not sure how to proceed with a
certain element of your relationship. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast
at gmail dot com.

Speaker 5 (20:11):
And we're back.

Speaker 3 (20:12):
We're back with Shashana and Simonehmmler.

Speaker 2 (20:14):
These are my sisters and they are back by popular
demand to give it.

Speaker 3 (20:19):
We're giving family advice, right.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
We're giving some sister advice. Yes, we've got some kids advice.

Speaker 4 (20:25):
Well.

Speaker 1 (20:25):
Our first question comes from Jeannette. She is in Illinois.
She's in her sixties. I'm from a small town in
northern Illinois, and my husband and I have been married
for twenty seven years. Our two sons have graduated college
and moved to Nashville. They love it. We travel to
see them once a month. We love the city too,
comedy clubs, live music, art. We'd like to buy a
second home in Nashville, but wonder if we should wait

(20:47):
until the market changes. There are so many opinions on
both sides whether to wait or not. Financially, we can
afford it, especially because we spend money on a hotel
once a month. We love our empty, nesting lives right
now and love that we can see our kids here
and there when we visit. What do you think, Jeanette.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
About what getting a second home real estate market? I
can't get financial advice. I am not equipped for that really.

Speaker 6 (21:11):
First of all, if they're buying a house in Nashville
because that's where their sons are living and going to college,
they may not be living there in three years or
five years, like they might, you know, go somewhere else.

Speaker 4 (21:21):
It might go to West.

Speaker 5 (21:22):
Don't pick Nashville because your sons are there.

Speaker 6 (21:25):
If you want a second home, picket wherever you want
to live, but don't base.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
It on the yes exactly, stay at the hotel that's better.
You think, yeah, it's more sexy or it's fun. A
house is a pantastic You don't buy a house because
you don't follow your children to college so.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
They're all graduated.

Speaker 5 (21:41):
People do follow their kids to college. People do I know?

Speaker 3 (21:44):
I know, I know.

Speaker 2 (21:45):
I just met a coproge did it. I was like what,
They're like, Oh, our kids are in London. I just
was in it with a couple and they're like, our
kids are in London, so we're going to London. I'm
like to what follow them around and they're like, yeah,
we just want to be close to them.

Speaker 1 (21:57):
See, my mom said that she got advice recently that
like people full her age and she's in her seventies.
She was like, go move where your kids are. Don't
expect them to move home, Like go be by them
and you can like help out with childcare.

Speaker 4 (22:07):
And well maybe when they have kids and they're older
and they've starting their own families, you're gonna want to
see your grandkids and you want to help with them.
But when they're in college, you know, just go get
out Airbnb or hotel and you know, hang out a
few days or whatever. But I mean to buy a house,
that's a pretty big commitment.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
Shot out.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
You're a recent empty nester. What do you have to
say for yourself?

Speaker 4 (22:28):
Listen, it's hard. It's hard. I only have one that left.
I have one still in high school. My daughter just
left for college this year, and it's been a major transition.
You know, when you when they're little and you start
a family, you never really think about that day that's
going to come and they're going to go off to
college somewhere far away, And it is really a slap
in the face. To be honest, what is happening? Like

(22:52):
how did I get here?

Speaker 1 (22:53):
But I mean a.

Speaker 5 (22:54):
Slap in the face. That's exactly what you want them
to do.

Speaker 4 (22:58):
Yeah, I mean I know, but you know it's really
like I just was not ready emotionally like ouch, Like
that sucked.

Speaker 3 (23:07):
What was the tell us about it?

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Because I'm sure a lot of women are listening that
are experiencing at so talk about it.

Speaker 4 (23:14):
I mean, there's lots of excitement, of course for your
child to start this new adventure, and you want them
to have a great experience and leading up to it,
you know, you are trying to be positive and encouraging,
you know, but in the back of your mind there's
just this little bit of dread or sadness, like when
that day actually happens, Like what am I going to do?
Am I going to like completely break down in front

(23:34):
of my child? Am I going to pull it together?
Am I gonna what's going to happen?

Speaker 3 (23:38):
And what did happen? Shauna?

Speaker 4 (23:40):
So Mike and I my husband Mike, Charlie's dad, we
took her to college. We spent a few days and
got her all set, decorated a room, and her roommate
went out to dinner and we did really well, and
then it was time to go and we kept it
together until we shut the door. When we said goodbye,
literally in the hallway of her dorm, about ten feet

(24:03):
from closing the door and saying final device, we both
started crying. And unfortunately for my son Russell, who's fourteen,
and he was like, what the fuck are you guys doing?
It was like I'm so embarrassed, but we were both crying.

Speaker 6 (24:17):
It was it's not just bad, like that moment is
really bittersweet, and you know, because you're like happy for them,
but you're sad and all that stuff, but it's it's
like the change in the dynamic of the family that changes.

Speaker 5 (24:29):
So now Russell, like.

Speaker 6 (24:30):
The two of you are focusing your attention on him
because she's away and doing whatever she wants and studying,
and he's kind of like the center of your activity now,
and the whole dynamic changes. And I think that's what
you can't predict how that changes.

Speaker 4 (24:44):
Right right definitely after is you know, it's a whole
different environment. My Charlie is much more outgoing and loud.
My son Russell is more quiet, and he plays video
games and keeps to himself, and now we do focus
a lot more attention on him and you know, he
guys didn't really like it, but so well, but we're
or we're all just figuring it out and you know,

(25:07):
it's fine. It's just different and it gets better as
it goes, like each month gets a little easier. And
also knowing that your child is doing well makes it
a lot easier. You know, my daughter's happy, she's thriving,
she has lots of new friends, and that definitely like
makes you feel better about the whole situation. And thank
god for FaceTime and you know, texting all the time.

Speaker 3 (25:29):
But it's the worst one is the first one? Right?

Speaker 5 (25:32):
No, I don't know. I think it depends how you
know your dynamic.

Speaker 6 (25:36):
Like for me, I think the first one was hard,
but I still had two kids at home, so it
was like I went home to a busy household. It
wasn't like every day I was thinking about Jake being
away and you know, how is he doing? And I
think by the time Seneca was ready to go to college,
I was like totally ready, like here go, you go
do your thing. And so you know, while I still
miss her, it's not the same thing. It's like I'm

(25:58):
ready to be an adult in the of her and
independent of kids, and she's ready to go off to college.
So but it kind of got easier with each one,
not harder.

Speaker 3 (26:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:07):
I remember telling mom and Dad that I was going
to California, that I was going to drive across country
and move in with Gaby and Terry, our aunt and uncle.
And they were like, please go, you know, like, don't
wait another second. And Dad went and got me four
new tires for the car that I was driving across country.
He had never ever sprung for four new tires for
any car I drove, and he'd got me four new tires.

(26:29):
And they were like, don't let the door hit you
on the way out, like we are so fucking sick
of you. And it was the best decision I ever made,
because then I then I started to like my family again,
once I got enough distance.

Speaker 5 (26:40):
Yeah, three thousand miles. It's the perfect amount of distance.

Speaker 2 (26:42):
Absolutely, a drive across country will set anybody straight, that's true.

Speaker 3 (26:46):
I do remember though, when Simone went to college.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
That was a big gut punch for me because she
was my ally in my house against my father. She
would be our mediator and I did not get along
with my father for those years. And she went to
college to Emory, which I visited her frequently.

Speaker 3 (27:01):
And Shauna, you did too right.

Speaker 4 (27:02):
Only with the family, not by myself. Okay, I think
went by yourself.

Speaker 6 (27:06):
Yeah, yeah, you went rogue and came over when you
were eleven years old. I think mom and dad like
sent you on a plane to visit me. I don't
really understand how this went down, but you were eleven,
and so that means I was twenty one and I
took you everywhere I went, and I took you, which she.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
Took me to my first bar called Pj's in Atlanta,
and I went in and she got carted and I
did it.

Speaker 3 (27:25):
So I was eleven, so that gives eleven.

Speaker 6 (27:27):
They didn't really think you were there to drink, but well, sorry,
I left you.

Speaker 5 (27:31):
But I had to do it. You had to grow
up somehow.

Speaker 4 (27:33):
I know.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
I know that was traumatizing, actually very traumatizing, being alone
with my fucking parents.

Speaker 3 (27:38):
Okay, anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
Let's call the Amos almost so, Lene is our next caller.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
Shauna, stopped moving your fucking camera around. You're making me nauseous.

Speaker 4 (27:53):
It's saying that I have low bandwidth.

Speaker 2 (27:55):
You do because you're going in and out. You're kind
of crackling up.

Speaker 4 (27:58):
All right, I'm moving relocated.

Speaker 1 (28:00):
Awesome, We're gonna hurt you in the basement.

Speaker 3 (28:06):
That was Shauna to a tea.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
Every time she calls, it's like hello, Hello, all right,
yeah I think so Shanna, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (28:15):
Okay, all right.

Speaker 1 (28:16):
Well our next color is Lane.

Speaker 3 (28:19):
Lane Bryant.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
Mm hmmm hm, Lane, says dear Chelsea. About two years ago,
I got out of a ten year relationship. Then a
month ago, I got out of a one year long
distance friends with benefits scenario that started as something sexy
and fun, but feelings were caught and it turned into
an exclusive, confusing situationship with a bit of an emotional ending.
So she originally had emailed to talk about how she

(28:41):
can find a friends with benefit situation, but she updated
with since I wrote in I've had a change of heart.
I recently read an awesome book How to Be Single,
and it got me excited and wanting to embrace the
solo time. I want to prioritize being present and intentional
in my decisions, and I need a break from getting
caught up in relation and situationships. All of this was
further sparked by your episode with Jane Fonda and the

(29:03):
caller discussing her divorce. That was me a year and
a half ago, and I'm at a place now where
I can tell people like that caller, you'll make it
through to the other side and it can actually feel great.
So my question is what strategies do you have for
staying present and intentional, staying strong in moments of loneliness,
and overcoming societal pressures. In terms of relationships, Lane.

Speaker 3 (29:23):
Hi lay these are my sisters, Shashana and Simoe.

Speaker 7 (29:26):
Oh I want to fother me too.

Speaker 3 (29:27):
Ah, So where do you want to begin? Where?

Speaker 2 (29:30):
Okay, so you want to know how to stay present
and focus or tips to stay present and focus. First
of all, I want to say something about loneliness. I
really don't. I think a lot of us are confused
about what loneliness is because we're so scared of it.
And like, being alone doesn't necessarily mean you have to
be feeling lonely, right, being alone can be very fulfilling

(29:51):
when you use your time and spend it in ways
that make you happy, like reading a really good book
or exercising or just watching TV in bed or whatever
you're stuff is, whatever you like to do. Any opportunity
I get to be by myself, I jump at it.
I spent a long time not being able to be alone,
but I appreciate my alone time. And I think as
you get older, you become much more comfortable with yourself

(30:13):
and your alone time. So don't obfuscate loneliness with being alone.

Speaker 7 (30:17):
Definitely, And I think, like that's something I'm just currently
going through the process of learning and really embracing. I
think I spent, you know, many years in a long
term relationship, and you know, towards the end of that,
things just weren't feeling right anymore. And then after I
left it, I kind of fell into this old pattern
of maybe that little feeling of loneliness creeps in and

(30:39):
then you start reaching out to things that you don't
actually want or maybe that you're not ready for. And
so I'm just right now trying to find ways to
like quiet that loneliness feeling, I guess, and really just
embrace and be excited about being on my own, because
I don't necessarily think being alone is a scary thing.
It's something really exciting that I really just want to

(30:59):
embrace right now.

Speaker 2 (31:00):
You should write down when you're feeling that way, like
feeling really lonely, and write the situation around it, like
what happened to your day, what happened during your day?
Who did you talk to? Why are you feeling lonely?
The more you examine things, the more they kind of
go away. I feel like you kind of face it
head on, where you're like, oh, this is interesting, I'm
feeling this right now. Why am I feeling this? What
happens today to make me feel this way? Is this

(31:21):
a result of something else that happened last week? You
know that kind of stuff. It's almost just like a
practice of getting to know yourself so that you get
into a more comfortable ease with yourself in your alone time.
I mean all three of us, as Simo and Shashana
and myself spend an ordered amount of time alone. I
would say, but okay, what was your other topic that
you wanted to discuss?

Speaker 6 (31:40):
You're asking me about being present, trying to be more present.

Speaker 7 (31:43):
Yeah, I think president just really intentional, Like I think
I met this like new area in my life for
a new chapter where I just have time to really
get to know myself, and I just don't I think
like sometimes it's like easy where especially kind of like
I guess one of the things I talked about was
like societal pressure. Your friends are like, oh, I could
set you up with someone, or you have someone that
asks you out, and you're like, oh, I couldn't be

(32:04):
interested in pursuing that. But I just like don't want
any noise of that right now. I just want to
kind of embrace being president intentional, and when I am
ready to like kind of move into dating or anything
kind of casual, I just want to be able to
like be very clear and my decision making and my
choices and just be really confident in all of that.

Speaker 1 (32:22):
And not get roped into a relationship right exactly.

Speaker 7 (32:26):
Like I think it's so easy where like if you
kind of like meet someone and then all of a sudden,
like you kind of get that attachment to them and
they kind of feeled, you know, that void of comfort
or validation, and I just don't want to I don't
want someone else to provide that for me. I want
to be able to provide that for myself right now
and really kind of lead into that.

Speaker 5 (32:45):
It sounds like you know what you want.

Speaker 3 (32:47):
Actually, you sound like you're being pretty intentional.

Speaker 5 (32:51):
Yeah, Like I think what you're saying about.

Speaker 6 (32:54):
You know, having you finally have some time alone, you
want to get to know yourself better, Like act on that,
like write down the things that you want to do
for yourself.

Speaker 5 (33:01):
I mean, you're going to meet people along the way.

Speaker 6 (33:03):
There will always be people trying to set you up
or whatever, but you don't have to jump into that.
You can just be very intentional about saying that's nice,
but that's not where I am right now. You know,
you can still be social, you can still go out,
but focus on the things that bring you joy or
things that you've wanted to try that you've never tried.

Speaker 5 (33:19):
I mean, this is a like.

Speaker 6 (33:21):
There's a lot of freedom that comes with being alone too,
Like there's a lot of obligations when you're committed to someone,
not necessarily in a bad way. But now that you
have this time in this space, Like why don't you
explore that a little bit, Like go a little bit
deeper and try to spend some time on what you
really want to do and that those things that you
like they shouldn't go away if you start a relationship either.

Speaker 5 (33:43):
That's something to keep in mind. Like I think a
lot of people like do.

Speaker 6 (33:46):
Things when they're alone, and then there are things when
they have their partner, and those things don't always overlap,
which I think can be really problematic.

Speaker 7 (33:53):
Definitely, And I think kind of along with what you're
saying is within the last couple of months, I've just
found this new ground energy, a way to show up
for friends and family in a way that I maybe
wasn't fully able to when you are in relationship.

Speaker 3 (34:06):
Totally totally, but I do.

Speaker 7 (34:08):
Find too, like, especially when you're like friends or family
members that are like, are you happy you're alone? And
I just want to be like, well, I just don't
feel like alone is a bad word, and how do I? Yeah,
But every now and then, you know, you have that
like kind of dark, lonely voice that does come in,
and I just want to remind myself of the times
like right now where I'm feeling very much more like
strong about it and happier in content with it.

Speaker 2 (34:30):
And you should write that down too, Like when you're
feeling great and positive, you should write down that and
the events around it that led you there, you know,
the kind of day you're having. Because I do think
you're on the right track. Everything you're saying, it sounds
very intentional those.

Speaker 6 (34:43):
Comments from other people. Again, they're coming from all different places,
from society, from norms whatever, Like you have to kind
of you know, you don't have to be rude about it,
but like that's just their stuff. Like you don't have
to put that on you. If you're enjoying this time
and you're exploring and you're writing these things down where
you're enjoying your time alone, like not of that matters.

(35:04):
That's just preconceived notions that they have that they're trying
to put on you.

Speaker 2 (35:08):
They're not about you, or they just have nothing to say,
so they say that because that's what people say. I've
said it to people before, Like it's just a pointless comment.
It's not helpful anyway. And also I always play this
game with myself when I am dating someone casually, like
to keep it casual. I always say to myself, like, okay,
say we have plans on a Friday night. I'm like, okay,
we have plans. I have plants with this fun guy

(35:29):
on Friday night. That'll be fun. And then I always
say to myself, if that doesn't work out for some reason,
I still have a million other options or I'm going
to do this or I'm I'm gonna be happy doing this.
I always kind of keep myself in check that way
when I'm starting out with some casual fling with somebody,
so that I make sure I know, like, this is
a fun thing.

Speaker 3 (35:47):
To have, but this is not the source of my happiness.

Speaker 2 (35:51):
It's good to remind yourself that you are going to
have a good time, and whether you're with someone or
whether you're without them, it's just going to be a
different time if you're with them. But to remind yourself
of your own source. You're the one who's bringing the
vibes to your life, not necessarily someone else. They can
always help, but no one is the source of another
person's happiness.

Speaker 6 (36:10):
And what were you doing for yourself right now is
going to actually read benefits if you the next time
you are in a relationship, you know, getting to know yourself,
spending time with yourself so that you know sort of
what you want out of life and out of a
relationship in the future. So teriship because you don't know
how long it's going to last, and you know it's
going to benefit you in the long run too.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
And someone I know you mentioned like of course Leane's
going to like go through her life and be meeting people.
Is there a way do you threethink to differentiate between like,
oh I met someone and I actually am really into
them versus like they just happen to be there, and
so I'm falling into this.

Speaker 4 (36:43):
Sometimes when you're in a new relationship, you lose yourself.
You kind of want to be what you think they
need or what they want. I've done that in the past,
and it's like you kind of just forget who you
are a little bit, and then you kind of get
off course. And you know, it's great just to stay grounded,
remember who you are and take it slow and don't

(37:07):
lose yourself. Remember what you like, what you want, what
you are. If that person's really worth it, or you
know it was the one you might end up with,
they're going to love you the way that you are.
You know, you don't need to change or or get
ahead of yourself or make changes about yourself to fit them.
You've got to be you know, secure and who you are.

Speaker 2 (37:26):
Yeah, and you sound like you are secure and who
you are and you're only getting to know yourself better,
which is just going to be like you're putting money
in the bank of your happiness, so I don't think
you're going to have any problems. And also listen, as
we get older and more mature, we stop taking every
little interaction so seriously with men, even when it is
a fling, like we start to understand the difference and
we don't get that attachment that happens sometimes when we're

(37:49):
in our twenties and thirties.

Speaker 3 (37:50):
Once you hit your.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
Forties, you're like, oh no, no, no, Like that's a
temporary gig.

Speaker 3 (37:54):
You're not a person in my life.

Speaker 2 (37:56):
Like you know, you just grow into it and you
understand that certain people are just visitors and then other
people are going to stay.

Speaker 6 (38:03):
And I would just add one little point as just
setting being be really clear. You know, if you are
dating someone, like, be really clear about your intention. Okay,
I am not looking for something. If they're looking for
long term relationship and you're not, then that's probably not
a place to start dating.

Speaker 5 (38:16):
You have to be really clear about like this is
where I am in my life.

Speaker 6 (38:19):
I have no interest in that, and just be clear
about communicating that to them so that you're not you
don't end up with the wrong person.

Speaker 4 (38:27):
And I guess along that way.

Speaker 7 (38:28):
Length is like, what is it good approach for when
you're kind of entering into the dating world again, Like,
how do you communicate that to someone Like I'm just
like not looking for anything super serious at this point
in time. When's a good tak to say that?

Speaker 6 (38:41):
Really early on? I think, I mean anything to jump
in here, but I think really early.

Speaker 3 (38:46):
On, I don't know. That's kind of like a smoan.
Think about it.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
When you're on your dating sites. Do you like hearing
that right out of the gate? I mean, I guess
maybe it would be helpful.

Speaker 6 (38:55):
Well, I mean all those those apps actually are set
up that way, so they say like I want a
short I want short term fun, I just want a
one night stand, I want a long term relationship, I'm
looking to get married. All those options are on there.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Yes to all of that, But I also don't think
that you need to say that right off the bat,
because what if you end up dating a guy that
you're like, well, wow, this is actually a really good match.

Speaker 3 (39:17):
This is a healthy relationship.

Speaker 2 (39:19):
We have like it's a great give and take, we
compliment each other, and then you're like, oh, okay, maybe
I can have a relationship. I don't think you have
to be like black and white about things at the
outset as you're dating them. And if you're like, oh,
this guy needs to know like he's falling in love
with me, he needs to know this is casual. Then yes,
don't string somebody along that you're not interested in. Right,
But I don't know that it has to be like

(39:40):
the first thing you say, yea.

Speaker 3 (39:43):
And listen, you're smart, Lane, you don't even fucking need us.

Speaker 2 (39:45):
Okay, you're fine, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're intelligent. You're
taking time to be alone. Every woman should be doing this.
And good luck with everything because I know you're going
to have a good life.

Speaker 7 (39:55):
Thank you, Okay, wonderful to me too. All have a
great day.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
Okay you too?

Speaker 5 (40:00):
Yeah, take care bye.

Speaker 3 (40:02):
Shshana.

Speaker 2 (40:03):
You are making me nauseous. Are you in a place
where you're getting a signal? You have been walking around
this entire episode.

Speaker 4 (40:08):
Everywhere I go it says low bandwidth?

Speaker 3 (40:10):
But how can you have low bandwidth in your house? How?

Speaker 1 (40:15):
How?

Speaker 4 (40:16):
I guess it's time to call Verizon?

Speaker 2 (40:18):
Okay, anyway, okay, we have one last caller, guys, so
just fucking focus.

Speaker 1 (40:28):
So I've got Hannah on the line here Hannah is
having some baby daddy issues. She says, I'm a single
parent living in a beach town in the South with
my five year old daughter. I have a wonderful new
partner coming up on a year and we are so happy.
He's also a single dad. Baby daddy had a lot
of issues, alcohol, drugs, pathological liar, the list goes on,

(40:48):
and he split when my little one was two. He
lives in New York now supposedly never paid a cent
in child support, held in contempt by the courts. Took
years to track him down so I could obtain full
legal custody, and I had to trick him in signing
the papers by telling him he could be a part
of my daughter's life. He finally signed, and of course
I'm desperate to close this chapter for good. Now he's
angry and suddenly wants to be a part of her life.

(41:10):
I'm so against this, as he's very inconsistent and unreliable,
and who can know for sure if he's changed. I
want to protect my daughter, of course, but I feel
a little guilty. At the same time. I do not
feel safe having him re enter her life. But am
I being too harsh? How can I set boundaries with
someone who has no concept of them.

Speaker 2 (41:27):
Hannah, Hi, Hannah, Hi, Hannah, Hi Hannah, Hi, Hi.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
These are my sisters.

Speaker 4 (41:33):
Hi. You said you signed some papers. What were the
specifics on that? Because I didn't. It wasn't clear like
what he signed.

Speaker 8 (41:41):
Away or so I would prefer of something was signed away.
But the final point, like case clothes, that we got
to was soul cost city parent. It was just like
when we first started, so so long ago. I was like,
let's go parent, let's try this. Like I'm a very positive,
open minded person. I was like, yeah, let's do it.
So the original agreement was shared custody, and I just

(42:03):
finally got soul custody because I'm the only parent here.

Speaker 5 (42:07):
So he's on the other coast, he's far.

Speaker 8 (42:09):
Away, he's allegedly in New York.

Speaker 6 (42:12):
When he says he wants to be part of her life,
what does he mean by that if he doesn't live
anywhere nearby.

Speaker 8 (42:17):
I'm not sure, Like it's very unclear. So those messages,
those begging kind of I've changed, I've changed, I've changed.
How can you keep her from me? I want to
be in her life? They come every like four to
six weeks. Sometimes every few months, and for me, it's
really challenging to engage every single time and go back

(42:38):
into that loophole and go back into that cycle because
I have a heart, I have feelings that I was
super invested in this in like the boundary I've put
up is I either ignore it, which doesn't feel great,
But it's really hard to engage with him because there's
no like linear result and he doesn't come back into
her life. And I don't think it's fair for a

(42:59):
young child to have that inconsistency and to have.

Speaker 9 (43:03):
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm ready, let's have
a FaceTime.

Speaker 5 (43:05):
Let's have a phone call.

Speaker 8 (43:06):
I don't know who you are anymore, but I'm gonna
try and then gone.

Speaker 5 (43:09):
When when was the last time that they saw each other?

Speaker 9 (43:11):
Like about two years ago?

Speaker 5 (43:13):
So does she have any memory of him at this point?

Speaker 4 (43:16):
Not really.

Speaker 8 (43:17):
I'm currently have a new partner and that's been a
really positive influence and we're moving in together soon. And
I've even gotten a lot of great feedback from her
teacher saying how she draws pictures and talks about him
and is very excited, you know, like he's like included
in the narrative now and she's like reflected on that
that has been a positive thing, whereas in the past,

(43:39):
like she's like even mentioned her friends, like yeah, I
don't I don't have a dad. You know, it's very
clear from a young age, like the different families options
that they are, and you know, we have family events
and she doesn't have a person there.

Speaker 6 (43:51):
I feel like he is showing you who he is
by only reaching out every six weeks. It sounds like
either guilt or family members of his that are like saying, hey,
what about your daughter and you should really push that
or whatever wherever it's coming from. You have to, like,
he has to show up in a much better way
for you to even consider him having a part in
her life like he has. I think you have to

(44:13):
tell him, look, I can't deal with this on again
off again stuff. If you want to be part of
her life, you have to do ABC and D and
those things would be like, you know, you have to
show me that you're gonna support her. You're going to
show me that you're going to show up on a
regular basis.

Speaker 5 (44:28):
You have to do all these things that like demonstrate
that he really means it.

Speaker 6 (44:32):
Otherwise you shouldn't have to deal with him at all
because it's very unhealthy for her, and that's the most
important thing.

Speaker 9 (44:39):
Thanks.

Speaker 2 (44:40):
And I also think it's about your health mental health too,
like he's gonna put such a strain, he's already putting
a strain on your mental health and he's not even around,
and he hasn't been around, and you have a positive
influence for her now, It's like, yeah, if he wants
to show up and come and visit, that's one thing,
But talking about it doesn't really get you anywhere.

Speaker 5 (44:58):
Yes, he has to put his money with his mouth.

Speaker 4 (45:00):
Is he talking about coming to live there?

Speaker 8 (45:03):
So that's another interesting aspect. The state where I live,
he has like a I think it's called a bench
of arrest warrant because if you don't pay child support,
that's illegal, right, And so he after a certain amount
of time, it gets written into the courts like he's
paid zero dollars, So then there's like a warrant out
for his arrest in this state if he comes back,

(45:24):
because you can't leave the state and not pay Apparently
you can't leave the state and not pay child support
because it's a federal crime.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
Right.

Speaker 2 (45:31):
I would just love to have the rules about what
would happen if a fucking woman did that and then
came back.

Speaker 3 (45:37):
Yeah. I mean it's just we would be arrested if
we tried to fucking pullshit like that.

Speaker 8 (45:41):
So like part of me feels like I could go
down the petty road and the mean road and put
all my energy into being negative and getting him in
trouble and getting back.

Speaker 9 (45:49):
At him and did it.

Speaker 3 (45:50):
No, no, no, no, that's no good.

Speaker 9 (45:52):
I want to like be free of it.

Speaker 4 (45:53):
You know.

Speaker 1 (45:54):
I don't think you have an obligation to even accept
calls and texts from him. I think it's time to block.
If he has a meaningful change of heart or change
of like being and can pay his child support, come
back into the state actually, like send you paperwork. I
want to see my child again. Then that's a different issue.
But I don't think you need to be subject to

(46:16):
getting these texts in your inbox.

Speaker 2 (46:18):
I wouldn't say block him because that is her daughter's father, Like,
what if something happens and they need to know, and
you can handle that situation, but getting a text every
four to six weeks, you don't have to respond to that.
You could just let it go because I have. Clearly
he's not that determined, otherwise he would be texting you
more frequently. But I think you've got the right idea.

(46:39):
Just I think just try not to like limit your
engagement with him. You don't have to respond to him.
He has a bench warrant in the state you're living
in for not paying child support. That's all he needs
to know. And if he wants to change, I mean,
that's it. That's all the information that he needs.

Speaker 4 (46:54):
He's not paying support. There's no reason for you to
have them interact in any way. I mean, he's not
even like doing the minimum of what is expected of him,
so he has to show you that he's going to
totally turn things around. I mean, he's not paying support,
he's no right to see his daughter.

Speaker 3 (47:11):
That's true.

Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yeah, So maybe it's as simple as that, like, sure,
once you can pay child support, you can be in
her life. And if that winds up happening, then that's
a different conversation.

Speaker 5 (47:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 8 (47:20):
I would. I would say, like, Okay, you need to
do a B and C, make it very clear for
six months, and then after six months we can talk
about blah blah blah.

Speaker 2 (47:26):
But we'll see, right, Yeah, focus on your good life
that you've got going with your new man.

Speaker 3 (47:32):
Yeah, and your kid.

Speaker 1 (47:33):
I don't think you owe him anything.

Speaker 3 (47:34):
Yeah, I don't think so either. Yeah.

Speaker 9 (47:36):
Okay, that was the truth that I wanted.

Speaker 3 (47:40):
Perfect.

Speaker 2 (47:41):
Thanks Hannah, Bye, Hannah, thank you.

Speaker 1 (47:45):
All Right, Well we'll take a little quick break and
we'll be right back with Madison and we'll wrap up.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
And we're back.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Well, Madison writes in and she says, Dear Chelsea, my
sister is three year years older than me, and we're
super close. She's the person that knows me better than
I know myself and that I'm most connected to in
this world. However, I would label her as a quote
highly sensitive person. Ever since we were little, she's always
had a very big, strong, and times explosive emotions. This
presents as nearly constant outward irritability to where most people

(48:19):
in my life thinks she's a bitch, coupled with a
fairly depressive outlook on herself and her life. I have
learned to let things go and attribute a lot of
her negative energy to her difficulty with dealing with her
own emotions. However, I've also worked a lot to understand
myself more, be more assertive with my wants and needs
and set boundaries with others. My question is this, how
can I start to be honest with my sister and

(48:39):
about how her irritability and mood impact me when I'm
so worried about hurting her feelings or sending her into
a highly sensitive feelings spiral.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
Madison, Hi, Madison, I'm Madison.

Speaker 4 (48:50):
Guys.

Speaker 3 (48:51):
Hi, these are my sisters. There are special guests today.

Speaker 4 (48:54):
Oh what perfect guess for.

Speaker 2 (48:56):
I Ah, perfect guess for your situation? Well, I would say, Simon,
do you want to start? I mean I would be
the most irritable. I'm not the most sensitive, but I'm
the most irritated.

Speaker 6 (49:07):
And I mean it is a tough situation because this
is your sister. You said you're close, right.

Speaker 5 (49:13):
Yeah, And I can relate to that.

Speaker 6 (49:15):
I'm a little overly sensitive too, so to criticism, but
I don't like spiral out of control.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
Usually you're not sensitive to criticism about your children. You're
not sensitive to criticism about yourself. I mean, who's criticizing
you for what? When do you get criticism?

Speaker 5 (49:30):
It's happened once or twice.

Speaker 6 (49:31):
Anyway, it's a sensitive area because I think you know
you care about her, right. I mean, you're very close,
you care about her, but I think at some point
you kind of have to. It sounds like she needs
to talk to someone else, like she needs some assistance
in accessing her own emotions and understanding why she's so
sensitive and why she spirals out of control like this,

(49:53):
like this, this is.

Speaker 5 (49:54):
Bigger than you.

Speaker 6 (49:54):
I think she really actually would benefit from seeing a therapist.
And I'm raising that is probably sensitive too, But if
you're really thinking about her well being, I think you
know you can broach it in more gentle ways and
saying like, oh, you know, I don't know, something comes
up and you Sometimes it's by analogy, Oh my friend
is seeing a therapist and this is how it's working,

(50:16):
or my friend has this issue. Sometimes, like you have
to go about it a little sideways as opposed to directly,
because it sounds like she is super sensitive when you
if you are talking about her. But I really think
the two of you can't manage this alone, like she
needs some assistance.

Speaker 4 (50:31):
It might be fun to go together to therapy a
few times, like with her and join her and you
can bring up things and with that third party sometimes
you know, that makes it easier because they can kind
of navigate what you both are trying to say, and
you know, help break it up where it's just not
the two of you alone, but somebody to kind of
help you navigate through what the other person is seeing

(50:53):
and saying.

Speaker 3 (50:54):
Is that something that you could do? Do you think
there's a possibility to go to therapy? Would you be
open to that like together?

Speaker 9 (51:00):
I don't know if she'd be open to it together.

Speaker 10 (51:03):
I did try that once with her and my mom actually,
because they have a kind of contentious relationship and I
am like the peacemaker.

Speaker 9 (51:11):
I'm the middle man that can like interpret for both of.

Speaker 10 (51:13):
Them, and so I kind of was like, I'm over
your guys as shit, and I'm not going to be
around you unless we like go to therapy together because
I can't do this. But that only went for one session,
and my sister got really defensive, kind of like the
therapist just talking to her about maybe some possible depression
and that can explain some of the irritability and the sensitivity,

(51:37):
and she just felt like the dynamic was getting pinned
on her since we were both there. So I think
maybe Astilla like suggesting a solo adventure for her might
do better than me going with her.

Speaker 3 (51:51):
Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
And then I think then what you have to do
is have a sit down and like a face to face,
hard to heart with her and just be like, listen,
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot because
I'm worried about how you're going to receive information. And
I don't think you want me to feel that way,
and I don't want to feel that way about you,
Like you're the person I love the most. Like everything
you said about her was very moving and touching. But

(52:14):
you know, as a sister, I mean, if you're not
going to tell her who the fuck is?

Speaker 5 (52:18):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (52:19):
Yeah, And then like Chelsea has an always on her podcast,
you know you have to come from a place of
love and tell her this is because you care about her,
this is because you love her, this is because she's
a big part of your life, and that you want
to see her happy and you want to see her
evolve over time.

Speaker 5 (52:33):
And what you're.

Speaker 6 (52:34):
Seeing, she doesn't appear to be happy and content and
be able to deal with some of these issues.

Speaker 5 (52:40):
And so if you're coming from that place, that's really valuable.

Speaker 2 (52:43):
Yeah, and she's in a highly irritable state that's not
pleasant for her, so she really has to take a
look at that.

Speaker 3 (52:50):
I've been there.

Speaker 2 (52:51):
I understand that you're not a happy person. When you're
that highly irritated and everyone annoys you so much, there's
something going on with you. It's a deeper issue and
it doesn't have to be that Like people who are
depressed or upset, they don't realize there's another way to live,
Like you can actually choose to do the work and
get to the other side and be a happier, more positive,
optimistic person. But you know it's going to take time

(53:14):
and you and you just have to commit to being
there for her during it.

Speaker 10 (53:17):
How do you guys think you would phrase? Because I
feel like I'm good at the taking care of her
feelings part, but like so my boyfriend would be like,
oh my gosh, like this is so crazy. You're like
getting into her dynamic. You need to have like a
life intervention with her and just tell her like no,
like you need to go somewhere and get help, and
like this is not sustainable. But I don't know how

(53:39):
to like word the direct part to be like you
need to. I mean, maybe it's just that plane you
need to go get help or I don't know.

Speaker 2 (53:49):
I think you would say, listen, I love you more
than anything, and I really feel like you could benefit
from talking to someone as your sister. I know you
better than anyone, and I know that you're not as
happy as you can be, Like it's possible to be
happier and through the like counseling. I can listen to
you all you want, but I'm not like a professional,
Like you need someone who can help you deal with

(54:12):
all of these feelings.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
That you have.

Speaker 2 (54:13):
And then you can use some examples of like what
you've seen about her that it isn't happy, that it
is irritability, that it isn't you know that she is
in a constant kind of state of agitation.

Speaker 6 (54:25):
Yeah, And I think it's important to say that you're
always there for her. You're listening for her, but your
skills only go so far. Like you can't solve her problems.
You can be there for support and love and all that,
but like it's not what she needs. She needs much
more than that. She needs someone independent to to really
help her work through these things. And so you're not
taking away your support, you're not pulling away your lover support,

(54:47):
but you're just saying like I've I've got my own limits,
like I can only do so much for you.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
Yeah, and the defensiveness is just the example of why
she needs to go to therapy. When you are that
defensive about anything, Like when you can I can't hear
any critique about yourself and think, oh, maybe that's something
I could improve on, that's the definition of needing to
go to therapy.

Speaker 4 (55:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:08):
Yeah, in addition to all of this putting the onus
like not you need to go to therapy because you're
a bitch, but it is like the onus can be
slightly outside of her, like it'll help you reduce this
tension so that you can be happy. It'll help reduce
your stress so you're not flying off the handle all
the time. So you can kind of put the onus
next door, and so it's not like you're just terrible

(55:28):
to be around. It's like, no, you have these other stressors,
you have these other things, like it can help you
dissipate that stuff.

Speaker 10 (55:34):
So, yeah, that is a really good way to look
at it, because, yeah, her life would only grow because
the connection other people, Like I'm so used to her
attitude and like what she's sensitive about so I can
kind of not step on those landlines, or I can
like very intuitively kind of feel her energy and know

(55:55):
like how much is too much?

Speaker 5 (55:56):
You want to back off?

Speaker 10 (55:57):
But I think it does really get in the way
of her and also being a bigger part of my
life because other people in my life.

Speaker 9 (56:04):
Are having such a hard time with it.

Speaker 5 (56:06):
Yeah, oh, really impacting your friendships and.

Speaker 10 (56:09):
Like it doesn't impact their relationship with me, but like
my partner, for example, he has a really hard time
being in the.

Speaker 9 (56:16):
Same space as both of us because he's like.

Speaker 10 (56:18):
You don't want to like say anything, but he wants
to like call her out every single time there's like
something set under her.

Speaker 9 (56:23):
Breath or like an eye roller.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
Definitely, don't bring him into the conversation. Yeah, don't mention him,
don't say anything about that, because that will only create
more tension between the two of them.

Speaker 10 (56:33):
I agree, Yeah, but framing it is something yeah a
little next year.

Speaker 2 (56:37):
So yeah, her circumstance is everything she's dealing with. It's like,
it's not your fault. This is a lot to deal
with whatever on her plate. We can help you with this,
and I think you do need help with this. Kind
of just like spoon feeding that idea to her a
little bit more. But have confidence in your relationship with
your sister, Like, you're not going to break up with
your sister, So have confidence that you you have the

(56:58):
ability to help her and that even if she's upset
in the beginning, she's coming back, you know what I mean.

Speaker 10 (57:04):
Yeah, I think that is the hard thing to trust. Yeah,
if you're avoidant conflicts like it just stresses me out.

Speaker 9 (57:12):
But you're right, there is.

Speaker 10 (57:13):
Not a world in which we're going to be separated
for a long period of time, so really leaning into
that feels.

Speaker 2 (57:19):
Right, and being avoidant doesn't solve anyone's problems. Ever, no
one has ever solved a problem by avoiding it, so
it's not a good strategy.

Speaker 9 (57:28):
Right. Well, thank you guys so much.

Speaker 2 (57:31):
You're welcome. You're welcome, cutie. Good luck with everything. I'm
sure everything will work out fine. It might be a
little bumpy, but it will work out.

Speaker 9 (57:38):
Thank you guys. Have a good one.

Speaker 3 (57:40):
Bye bye.

Speaker 2 (57:41):
You have to look at that as a long term plan, right,
not a short term solution.

Speaker 1 (57:46):
She's got to be able to be around her sister's
partner in that.

Speaker 3 (57:49):
It's so tension.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
But it's so it's so unfair when you're with someone
and then they don't get along with your sister, Like,
that's so unfair for everyone.

Speaker 4 (57:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (57:55):
I mean, she's a good sister.

Speaker 6 (57:57):
She's being loyal and she's doing the right thing. But
you can't let people go on like that in life
because it's just you're not doing them any favors.

Speaker 5 (58:04):
Everybody's walking on eggshells. That's awful.

Speaker 2 (58:06):
Okay, bitches, Well, thanks for all of your advice today.
Our episode has wrapped up.

Speaker 3 (58:11):
Shoshana. I am physically nauseous from all the movement.

Speaker 2 (58:16):
From watching me out walk through your house fifteen times
with a computer in the head.

Speaker 4 (58:21):
I am on the move to try to stay connected.
I apologize.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Okay, Well, we might want to get you a booster
for your house, so we'll.

Speaker 3 (58:28):
Get on that right away. Love you girls, miss you, see.

Speaker 5 (58:34):
You, love you.

Speaker 3 (58:35):
Bye bye, peace out, bye bye. Okay.

Speaker 2 (58:42):
So upcoming shows that I have you guys, I'm coming
to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood,
Florida for my only show in Florida on July twenty eighth.
I'll be in Auburn, Washington, on August first, and then
Santa Rosa, California for my second show August second. August
seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bull. You do not want
to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte,

(59:05):
North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.

Speaker 3 (59:08):
I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis in Kansas.

Speaker 2 (59:11):
City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing
at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first
three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor Day weekend,
and then November two and November thirtieth. I'm coming to Brooklyn,
New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and
I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the

(59:33):
year in December, so if you're in a city like
Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha,
check Chelsea handler dot com for tickets.

Speaker 1 (59:43):
Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert Executive producer Catherine Law,
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com