Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson

Oliver Hudson is in-studio with Chelsea today to discuss healing after cheating, braving therapy so intense it makes you feel foolish, and growing up in his uniquely A-list family.  Then: A single business owner is frustrated by his co-owner’s days off with her kids.  An HR rep struggles with knowing his parents medicated him from a very young age.  And a secret sibling is rejected from her father’s funeral.  Check out Unconsciously Coupled with Erinn & Oliver Hudson here. 

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, Hello, Hello, maybe good good morning, and good afternoon
and good evening. Hi. Hi, I'm getting ready to leave
this country. I'm going to be on vacation for two months.
I mean, I'm doing some dates in Canada. I have
my Calgary and Vancouver dates, and then I have a

(00:22):
ton of new dates in the fall too for Chelsea
Hamdler dot com from my Vaccinated and Horny tour. So
if you live in Tampa, if you live in Colorado Springs,
if you live in a lot of different areas, I'm
coming your way. You're even going to like Rockford and Rosemont,
illinoisis best people. Those are my best people. Yeah. So
I'm going on like very long winded trip family trips,

(00:45):
friend trips. I have two months of new vacation time.
Since I am newly single and previously had plans to
spend that with my lover, I have pivoted and now
made other plans and I'm going to some exciting play siss.
I'm going to Greece. I'm going to Granada in the
British Virgin Islands with some friends wonderful Moana Martha's Vineyard

(01:06):
for my annual family trip. I am going to Vancouver,
Island and British Columbia's hotspots there. And I'm going to
my Orca for the month of September. Amazing, and you
have really talked up my Yorka. I'm like, I think, well,
you guys have to come and visit. Okay, twist my arm.
I'm there the whole month. The first week and the

(01:28):
last week I have openings. So if you're coming, you guys,
come pick that week and we'll get you at bedroom
and sorted. Okay, that's that's great. We'll record some intrails
and things, then we can do our podcast. Katherine is
sitting here going where you can't record one podcast while
you're in my Orca. I'm like, Katherine, if you've seen
me try to record anything on my own, you understand
that it's impossible. I will happily fly to My yorka podcast.

(01:53):
That's perfect. It's a work trip. That's a tax right off,
exactly exactly. Now, that's so much fun. Yeah. So I
won't be home for two months, so I my dogs
could be dead by the time I get back. By
the way, people have sent in a lot of chow rescues,
so I will have to send all of those to
you have been so sweet since Joe Coy and I
broke up. It's like they know that I need them. Yeah,

(02:14):
except for he's so restless. I put him in my
bed and he just won't stay there. He just goes
like this, and if you stop petting him, he needs more,
puts his head back and put his head back and
puts his head back, you know, and you're just like what, yeah, yeah,
but that's how they give love, right. My dog just
literally yells at me. She'll bark at me and to
give her a treat, which is like why she gets treats.
You know, I shouldn't reinforce her behavior, but yeah, she

(02:38):
just yells at me until we either like play with
her or give her treats or give her whatever she wants. Yeah, yeah,
I know. I can't wait to have a different don
I can't wait for a new dog to come into
my life. But it's too irresponsible, obviously. Do you know
when I'm leaving to for two months? To be fair,
you leave them like with a caretake. Yeah, but I
mean that's why my bell is like I have to stay.

(02:59):
That's how the rental house. I was like, course, I
don't expect you to bring them. I'm like, bring your
whole family here, live here. Why not? This is the
moment we're just inviting everybody to live with. There's never
been a bigger waste of money than this rental house
that I live in, because I'm here like two days
a month, and it is absurdly priced, and of course
I'm have no economical sense, and it's just ridiculous because

(03:23):
your house that we were talking about like a year
and a half ago was still being renning made out.
Oh I went. I took my friends there this weekend
to show them and it's nine months away, and I'm like,
I gotta have to get I go. Maybe I just
give up this rental because in December I'll go to Whistler.
I'll be there for four months. So I why am
I renting a house? The only thing, the only reason
I continue to do this in my white privilege state,
is because it's a landing pad for everything that is me.

(03:46):
Like if I have to come home for work in
between that time, I have a place, I have my clothes,
I've got my stuff. Otherwise I'm coming back to a
hotel and that doesn't sound right. And then you're like
never not living out of a suitcase, right exactly. So
I anyway, you're welcome to stay at my rental house
as well off in Beverly Hills, and you want to
look at some funky plastic surgery. Driving around those streets,

(04:07):
I've never seen I've never seen so many faces that
look the same. And you're like, are you thirty or sixty?
No one knows. That's a mystery. I just learned about
the b BL, the Brazilian butt lift. Wow, what do
you mean? Just everyone has that? I know, I like
just learned about it. I just like figured that all
the Kardashians look that way. And my friend was like, no, Catherine,

(04:28):
you know what my doctor did. I just my doctor
took fat out of my not my butt, He took
fat out of like my flank or whatever over here
and put it in my face and put it in
my cheeks right here around this area. I was like, oh,
he's like, yeah, that will last you for about ten years.
I was like, last me. And because he goes, you
know how your face, all these pads on your face,

(04:48):
they start to sink as you get older. So the
idea is to give your own body its own plasma,
it's own fat to reconstitute that, and then they stay rejecting. Yeah,
it's like your own stuff, so like that. Yeah, so
I have that. So now I have two nice little
indentations on my hips where it looks like I was
turned into some sort of sex robot where you should

(05:11):
have cheeks. I had a family member who did that, say,
maybe fifteen years ago or so, and she still looks incredible. Actually,
have a couple of extended family members and people that
I know who did the thing of like I just
want to look like myself ten years ago, and they
all look stunning. Yeah that's good. Yeah, I like to
start early with those things, get ahead of it before

(05:32):
it becomes too much of an issue. You know. Like
my neck really was bothering me. So I just got
this major which so fucking painful, the thermage and the
opus when I canceled my trip to Hawaii, and I
was like, well, what can I do to my face?
And it was so brutal, like I looked like a
burn victim. But look how tight my neck looks extremely tight? Right,
So I had that leathery iguana thing going. And now

(05:53):
it's like, by the way, all of these procedures are
so expensive, So just don't pretend that I'm not pretending
that or not. It's like six thousand dollars or something.
So I just want to be very honest with everybody.
I feel like anything that makes you feel more like
yourself and better about yourself and makes you like have
one less thing that you have to think about every day.

(06:14):
Do it if you can afford it, you feel good
about it, and you're not doing it because you feel
bad about yourself, or you're not doing it because of
someone else's preference of what you would look like. Do it? Yeah,
oh yeah, absolutely, I'm all positive. You know. What I
just don't like is sucking people lying about what they
do and not admitting it. That's really damaging because like,
I'm sorry, but obviously you've had plastic surgery, you know

(06:37):
what I mean. Like, don't pretend that you know these
girls are looking up to you, like cop to it
so that girls know that's not an attainable thing unless
you have money or resources or you know, personal trainers
and nutritionists and all these different things and lasers like it.
There is a whole spectrum of things. It's not just
Beyonce did not wake up like this. She did not.

(07:00):
We love her, but she didn't. Yeah, right, neither did
Kim Kardashian. Right, but we love her too. Apparently we do,
because apparently the Kardashians are royalty in this country. Now,
you know, I know one was more wrong about the
Kardashians than I was. I cannot believe that they are
like the royal family of America completely. My favorite is

(07:21):
it's always been Chloe, because I've always gotten a long
will with Chloe. But Courtney I really like. I like
her love story with Travis Parker. And she's real and
she doesn't she looks real and she doesn't complain, I mean,
and she doesn't really want to be famous. Respect somebody
who actively is famous. I respect somebody who has chooses yes.

(07:44):
I think the most amazing thing about Kim and what
she has done is she not only created a career
out of basically people giving a shit about what's happening
in your life, because most people nobody gets should what
bobble was happening in your life. She created a career
for herself often her family out of that. But she also,
I think almost singlehandedly created an entire industry around that. Influencers,

(08:10):
every influencer ohs Kim Kardashian, like every influencer should send
her a dollar. Truly is not necessary. Does she need
another dollar? Maybe not, but just like a thank you,
why don't you give a dollar to a homeless person
if you're an influencer, that's helpful. I guess in a
better choice. We are going to take a quick break
so you can hear an add and then we'll be
right back. Our guest today, you, guys, is a hot mess.

(08:37):
He is a really really something. He's a real piece
of work. He's from the Hawn Hudson clan, which means
he is Goldie Hawn's son and Kate Hudson's brother, which
is family should be introduced at all times. We have
Oliver Hudson here today because he has a new podcast
that he's promoting and texted me and said, Chelse, you

(08:58):
don't have to say yes, but can I please come
on your podcast to promote my new podcast? And I said,
of course, of course, Oliver, I mean you don't have
to say yes. Comes from such a place of well,
let's talk about your insecurity. Welcome to Oliver Hudson. Hi, honey,
how are you. I'm good? I'm so happy to see you.
I haven't seen you in months. It's been a long
long time. Yeah, I've seen your sister and your mother

(09:20):
more recently, but that's been a long time. I know.
We have an interesting relationship. It's it's it's digital, you know,
and then we sort of bump into each other and
realized that we could be more. Yeah, right, right, that's
exactly what we're realizing. Yeah, but I think that the
distance is what has kept us friends, has kept us close,
is like many relationships exactly. So I know you have

(09:43):
a lot going on, and I'm really excited about your
new podcast, which is called Unconsciously Coupled. Gwyneth gave us
that we just spun it a little bit. Yeah, I
didn't pick up on that yet. Who knew what Gwyneth
Paltrow was going to be coining a phrase for everybody
to live by for the rest of their lives. And
I know, and you got so much shipped for it too,
Kate when she started it. Now, of course it's like
a mainstream you know, right, the way to break up

(10:05):
is on couple and now it's well, you did a
nice play onwards. Your podcast with Kate is called Sibling
and you're still doing that, still doing that. So that's
how this whole thing even came about because Kate was working,
she was in Europe last year doing her things. So
Aaron and I took over the Sibling Revelry feed and

(10:25):
we were just talking about our life. In the first episode,
was very detailed about sort of my infidelity when we
were engaged, and it was very open and raw and honest,
and she was Aaron was amazing in the way that
she dealt with that, in the way that she articulated
it on the show. And then we just kept doing
We did eight of them, and the response was so
great and we had so much fun that a year later,

(10:49):
now it's been a year, we said, well, let's just
let's do this, you know, just honestly, because we love
it and and you are in a very professional set
up here. We are literally in bed with with Nate,
you with a joint and a bottle of wine and
just riffing on our life in relationship and kids, and
it's it's really it's fun. Yeah, you guys have had
a long relationship with ups and downs. Oh my god,

(11:12):
sixteen Mary just had our sixteen year anniversary twenty one
together and what did you guys do for your sixteenth anniversary.
We actually don't really do much normally, but we went
to Surf Rider Motel, which is a motel in Malibu.
It was it was refurbished about five years ago from
like a ship Bag Motels, something really nice and we
just had, you know, we had the moment. You know, no,

(11:36):
it's been that. That was a special, Like the silver
anniversary is twenty five and sixteen is anal you know,
we actually have an anniversary and it was in Paris
like a while ago, and something happened. Yeah. Well, Paris
is super romantic, very anally there. That's what happens when

(11:58):
you go to places like that. Once you see the louver,
it's all over. But it was fun, it was good.
I mean, we always try to get away from the kids,
you know what I mean. It's important, I think to
make time for yourself and your relationship and and then
and the kids are good, you know, they're good. Yeah. Well,
I would say Ali that you're somebody who's very in

(12:19):
touch with the emotional side of things for a straight
white male, right, You're very in touch with yourself. You
like to talk about your emotions. I know, you're very
open about going to therapy and everything you've learned about
being in a relationship, even your your family dynamics between
your brothers, your sister, your mom, you know, your dad.
So where do you feel like you've had the most

(12:40):
growth in your life with regard to spirituality therapy because
you guys are all very spiritual as well. Well. Therapy
has been around and have been in my life for
a long time. My mom trying to put me into
therapy when I was sixteen years old. The doctor was
just talking to me about golf the whole time, and
I was like, this is not working. You know, gotten
to therapy in my early twenties, and I think probably honestly,

(13:02):
going to this Hoffman Institute, Oh god, you got to
talk about four years ago, four years ago, almost four
years ago. Now it changed my whole perspective. I have
never heard one bad review of the Hoffman I haven't either.
I haven't either. I know Justin Bieber came right after me,
and I think he left after four days. Well, so
that's what That's what a lot of people try to do, right,

(13:23):
And if you're Justin Bieber, you can leave after four days. Yeah, right,
I don't think he was like and then bailed. But Katherine,
who was who do we have on? That was Katie
Perry about it? Well, this is how I even heard
about it all because it just filtered down. It was
a Katie Perry, then Jamie ms Rocky and you know,
it's an amazing place and it's becoming very popular now,

(13:45):
which I guess is good. But at the same time,
you could see Katy Perry or Justin Bieber there. Yeah,
you know, I mean everyone is going because it is
really a if you, if you commit to the experience
and let go of your ego, it can do amazing things.
You know, because me personally went there and I was
just tight. You know, you see what you have to

(14:06):
do and you feel stupid, you know, you feel like
an asshole. You're you know, beating a pillow with a
whiffball bat and screaming mommy or whatever the hell it
is you do, and you're like, what the funk is this?
And I it took me two days to finally sort
of surrender to it, and then once I did, it
opened me up to be able to take it in
and not feel so self conscious. And for me, the

(14:30):
breakthrough was I just couldn't. It was specifically with this exercise,
and I couldn't go there because I felt people were
watching me. And by the way, it brought out the
root of all my ship, which is I don't want
to look stupid. I don't want people to dislike me,
you know. And as an actor, it's a hard place
to be because you're constantly trying to please rather than saying,
you know what, I don't give a funk what people

(14:51):
think about me. But I did so much so that
I wasn't even able to partake in this this process
until finally everyone's beating the ship out of this and
crying and it's it's like a crazy it's crazy, and
I'm sitting there and I just stopped and I say,
I'm gonna do this my way. And this specifically was
about my mother, this one exercise, who is the most

(15:14):
amazing human being in my life. And you would think
I would go there for my dad and for Kurt,
who's my stepdad. My mom has always been the constant.
Interestingly enough, she was the one who came through the
most because she was my primary caregiver and when she
wasn't there, it hurt a lot more. You know what
I mean, which is a whole other podcast we can
get into. But I just got quiet. I went to

(15:35):
do a more of a meditative state, and I stopped
hitting anything, and I just really went back and went
internal and thought about my life and thought about my
mom and tried to find that whatever anger that was,
and it started to bubble up, you know, and then
I took it from there and then you know, went
nuts on the on the so Okay, Yeah, I hear

(15:57):
this a lot because some people say, you're not allowed
to talk about Are you allowed to talk about the
Hoffman Institute? Yeah? You are, I mean just not allowed
to tell other people's personal stories, right, yes, yes, because
you go in there and you go anonymously, right and
you don't say your name, you don't you don't talk
about what you do for a living. And at the end,
you know there's a moment there where things might get revealed.

(16:19):
But you go there anonymously, even though you might know people,
which happens. How big is the group of people, it's
like forty Then you splinter off in the little small groups.
And it's really about just having compassion and forgiveness for
your parents, because when you really get down to it.
And this is what I got to with my father,
especially whose dad bailed on him when he was five.

(16:42):
He didn't have much of a shot, you know what
I mean, especially in the sixties where therapy wasn't the
norm and you weren't really looking out for your mental health.
He was just okay, you know, your dad left and
now you're off into the world. And so when it
got tough for him, he just bailed and he has
his own door. But through this experience, through Hoffman, I

(17:03):
just found incredible forgiveness and compassion for my father because
he didn't have much of a shot, you know what
I mean. It was amazing. The whole thing, the whole
experience was really incredible, and is end always to forgive
your parents for what they have done. Well, like I'm
thinking of the staircase, to show the staircase with those
fucking kids and then believing their father. But also I

(17:26):
was just so upset for the woman who had died
that these kids still believe this guy when he's so
obviously guilty. Like you have to be able to see
your parents clearly at some point, yes, and then maybe
forgive them, but not until they've come clean. In a sense.
I don't know. I guess I think it's personal. You
know what I mean. Forgiveness is selfish in a sense

(17:48):
because it really takes weight off of you. It's not
about other individual. It's a very selfish thing. I forgive
you so I feel better essentially. So if that's what
you need, and you can truly feel that even given
whatever circumstance you know that parent had put you in,
then if that's what's gonna do it, that's what's gonna
do it. I just watched this documentary called Active Shooter
last night, like they had all the different and it

(18:09):
was just unbelievable to see. And there was one specific
in Charleston at the church, and the forgiveness that these
people had for this killer was just so inspiring in
a way, and it wasn't fake. It was just coming
from a real place of faith for them and that
they were able to let go and to continue on

(18:31):
with their lives, you know, because of that. And that's
great for them, But then there's some other people who
just can't. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm a
I do forgive, but with the big things, I mean,
I don't I don't know if I'd be able to
do that. Yeah, I mean, because forgiveness seems active for
a while, right, you have to actively forgive somebody and
actively say, you know, I want the best for you,

(18:52):
I want you to thrive and I want and then
if somebody's really wronged you, it's kind of hard to
get there in an active way. You can have moments
of forgiveness, but to be steady and constantly forgive is
another story, which is more applicable to like a primary
caregiver and attachment figure, like you're talking about, well, I'm
glad you're off of the When did you go to
the Huffman's almost four years ago? Four years ago? And

(19:14):
there's a honeymoon phase to it all. And then of course,
you know, life sucking happens and you close up, and
you know, you fall back in your patterns and and
the great thing is they tell you that, like, don't
don't leave here thinking you're just cured. We're giving you
tools now to deal with your life. It's it's it's
gonna get rough. It's life, you know. But that honeymoon
phase is pretty cool. Yeah, I think that applies to

(19:36):
any sort of therapy that you go to two. It's like,
you know, you feel like you're cured and you're like,
I've got you know, my toolbox now, and it's never
going to be sucked up again. And the whole point
of life is like it's never just gonna be like
smooth sailing for here on end. Like that's never going
to be the plan for anybody. And if it is,
I mean, you're really lucky. But I wouldn't even say
you're lucky because without you know, rough waters, you don't

(19:58):
have growth, and you in order to really grow and evolve,
we do have to go through difficult times and internalize
things and become self conscious and become like worried about
what other people are thinking. You know. I went through
that period of time when I went to therapy because
I had never gone before, and I was so confident,
like almost you know, arrogant, well not almost arrogant, but

(20:19):
and misplaced confidence where I just was like believed everything
I did was great and right. And then you start
to question, you know, you get a little bit of
self awareness and you start to think about everything, and
then you start to wonder what other people are thinking
about you, and then you're like, oh, this is ugly
I don't like that at all, you know, I don't
like feeling self conscious, but it's part of being a

(20:40):
whole person. Yeah yeah. And then and then even with
with a partner or even a friend. You know, again,
it's important understand that we all do have our afflictions,
and we're all dealing with our own ship. And I
think sometimes we're easy to just say funk off and
we're done with that relationship, because if one little thing
has happened that may trigger you and now, oh I'm done,

(21:00):
whether it be cheating or drinking or whatever it is.
If there's some death to that relationship and it's really
you're looking at the big picture and the person as
a whole rather than the action, then there's a chance,
you know what I mean. And that's what Aaron did
for me. Honestly, she could have easily been like, oh,
you're gone, but she knew I was a good human being.
I just had an issue, you know, And with the

(21:22):
help of my mother and Aaron, she was able to
sort of understand that, see that and stick around. And
I remember saying to Aaron when I went through all
of this, and by the way, I never got caught cheating.
I told her everything because I couldn't hold on to
this guilt and have a family and have a life.
So I had to put it on the line there
and tell her everything. Did you tell you? Didn't you
tell Goldie? First? No? No, my mom did know of

(21:45):
a certain certain couple of situations, you know what I mean.
And my mom's reaction to it was so funny because
she's laughing about it. You know, she's like a product
of the sixties, and she's like, that's funny. I'm like, funny,
I want to tell you. I'm in pain now and
there's this strange woman in my tell room and I'm
crying and don't know what to do with myself. She's like,
that's classic of Oh my god, I love it, but

(22:10):
I know it is. But I told Aaron, I told
her everything, and I think that's what saved it to
you know, I didn't get caught. I can't deal with
this ship. And she was able to see me is
who I was in in the bigger in the bigger context,
and and we worked through it, you know, and I
said to I said, look, I hope you stay because
I'm gonna get better, not just not for you. I

(22:30):
can't live like I can't be this person in a relationship,
whether it's you or whoever it is next, Like I
need to fix this, you know. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, Well,
we're gonna apply all of your therapy and self help
to our callers today. We have Yeah, we have a
lot store in store for you today, Catherine. What do
we have going on? Oh? I actually picked some really

(22:52):
juicy ones for you, Oliver. I wish we had a
lot of straight mail callers today and for Oliver, but
I don't think we ever have a lot of straight mail.
I think we've only had one whatever. Yes, we've got
medicated since four years old. Mystery half sisters, mystery half sibling.

(23:12):
Oh god, I have one of those. Oh excellent. Yeah,
have like a note slipped under my door? Have one?
Oh wow, I want to hear that. We'll take a
quick break and we'll be right back with Oliver and
Chelsea and Oliver and I are done with our bubble bath.

(23:34):
We're back. Thank you for the back scrub. Well. Our
first email comes from John. John says, Dear Chelsea. A
little over a year ago, I started a business with
a good friend when we were both unemployed and realized
if we couldn't find jobs we wanted, we should create
them for ourselves. At the time, it was pre vaccines

(23:55):
and we both worked remotely trying to find clients and
build our business, so the fact that my partner was
a mom of two small children wasn't really an issue.
Cut to now, our business is thriving and growing quickly.
We're about to get an office space and hire our
first employees, but my business partner still has to do
pick up, drop off, dance lessons, making lunch, etcetera. For
her kids. I'm a single, gay man, so I don't

(24:18):
have any of these extra burdens, which I know are
extremely stressful, but I can't help but feeling like I'm
taking advantage of since I work full time on our business,
and there are whole chunks of days, if not entire days,
where she isn't able to work because of family responsibilities
or a sick child, etcetera. Pre COVID when she worked
full time at another office, the family had a nanny
that they let go of when the pandemic hit, and

(24:40):
they haven't tired a new one. They have, however, bought
a second home and a new tesla, and my partner
is always buying a new Chanelle bag or something else extravagant.
At the end of last year, we even had to
hire a freelancer for a couple of months to help us,
which I don't think would have been necessary if my
partner worked full time, but we shared the expense of
this person. I'm concerned about our business growing any larger

(25:02):
without her full commitment. I'd love to know what your
thoughts are on how I can be sensitive to her
being a mom and the difficulty that comes with that,
as well as starting a business while still making sure
their workload is equitable. Since we split all of the
business income fifty fifty, thank you, John Well. I think
that's pretty standard, like everything should be split fifty fifty.

(25:23):
I think the way you just laid it out is
actually perfect because it's fair, Like everything's fifty fifty, and
if you have to bring on somebody to cover her time,
that should be split fifty fifty as well between both
of you. It's just fair. You know, she has her responsibilities,
and obviously being a parent and having all of that
are added responsibilities, but bringing on another person to supplement

(25:43):
her shouldn't be her responsibility alone. It should be a
shared responsibility between the two of you. Yes, right, because
if the business is and it was from its inception,
you can definitely relay your misgivings about moving forward and
growing bigger, but make sure you get this out of
the way sooner than later and talk about you know
that this relationship or in this company is equal to

(26:05):
both of you, and so if somebody has to come
in and fill in the gaps for her, that's not
on you and your free time. That's somebody that you're
hiring together and splitting down the middle. But again, I
guess the question though, then is if she was able
to take more time and be a part of the business,
than you wouldn't have to hire this person, right, So
is he now sort of taking on her if they're

(26:26):
only going fifty fifty you know what I mean? I
think in good faith, in the pure yeah, in good
faith in a partnership. I think the most generous and
reasonable thing to do that's fair to both of you
is to say, hey, I'm not going to punish you
for having a family. Obviously, that's your life and that's
your number one priority. But at the same time, this
is my business and I want to be treated fairly

(26:47):
and equally to you. So I'm going to go ahead
and say, yes, we need the extra help. But I
don't think, you know, I do think it's fair for
them to split it. Do you think that he she
should just be covering her? Well maybe I don't know.
I mean, look when when when she's when she's buying
tesla's and second homes, and but I don't think you can't.

(27:08):
You can't, you can't. But then it sort of gets
to you like, well, if you have a nanny, which
you don't anymore, then we could be doing this instead
of a tesla, Like why don't you bring someone on
to help? But again, we don't know the personal lives
of and I don't think you can go in and
be like, hey, you just I will say this, having
three kids and knowing how hard that is and how

(27:30):
time consuming that can be. Beware of the child excuse,
because I use it all the time, parents use it
all the time, oh my kids, and you can't question
that excuse. And sometimes it is just that an excuse,
it is not a reality. So I would say beware.
I'm not saying that she is doing that in any way,

(27:52):
but I'm telling you from personal experience, I have used
my children to be lazy because if I don't want
to do something, I'm like, I can't got my kids.
Wilder's got this thing, and I'm sorry, it's nuts. It's
just nuts. You use a few buzzwords and then throw
kids in there and then you're off the hall. Yeah. See,
now what you're saying is and now that I'm thinking
about what you said previously, you're right, like it is

(28:12):
kind of her responsibility to clean up her side of
the streets. So if there is a system being hired,
I can see how it would be how it would
make sense for her to actually cover that cost, like
that person is covering her work. So but I would
still say, in good will, like you have a burgeoning
business that's doing well, and in good will to extend

(28:33):
this relationship and make it as healthy as possible, I
would offer up to split that expenditure that it is
hiring a third person or I know you already have
done that, you already have hired another person. But if
there's somebody that we have to hire to compensate for
her lack of time, I would say still split it,
just more in good faith, and then that's it, you know,
more taking you know, don't let yourself be taking advantage

(28:56):
of beyond that, because then you've put one good foot
forward and then she can meet you there. But I
hear what you're saying, Ali, and I know a lot
of people do do that to get primarily to get
out of social engagements they don't want to go to.
It's like, I mean, I've said I can't go because
I have kids before, and people on how much do
you know? I'm like my nieces and nephews are in town.
You know, I say ship like that all the time.

(29:18):
So it's good to know that people are having children
to get out of socializing. It's one of the perks.
You could have started smoking cigarettes. Well you did that too,
but you've quit. Haven't you tried. Haven't you gone to
carry Gainer? No? I know I have the books and
the thing. No carry Gainer in Santa Monica. You go
three times. He's a hypnotist, not Alan Carr Carr. Harry
Gainer is. Yeah, I'll send you to contact everyone who

(29:41):
goes to him. Quit. Yeah, good. I have. I have
an issue with smoking when I'm working, Like it's Pavlovian,
Like I go to work and I'm on set and boom,
go home after a day and I drink and I smoke.
You know, I'm a vice guys. You know it's tough.
I mean, I smoked my weed, but I don't know,
like I don't know who I am without sort of advice.
It's kind of sad. Yeah, well maybe you'll get that

(30:04):
sorted out. Yeah, if you really want to quit smoking,
I mean you have to want to quit, but this
will work for you. My driver's wife, Caroline went. She
smoked for twenty six years and she never smoked again.
And the last session he said to me, he goes,
you're gonna go out tonight, and I said to I
have to stay away from my smoking friends because it's
three sessions in three weeks. So on the third session,
you quit forever. And he says, I said, can I

(30:24):
go out with my girlfriend's who smoke? And he said, yeah,
I go out with anybody. He goes, it's going to
be a foreign substance to you. And I never smoked again,
really yeah, And I even tried one like six years later.
We're in my worka and everyone's smoking. I go, let
me try that. And I took one hit of it
and I was like so yeah, if you want to
quit where I mean, you have to deal with the
way he looks, and that's tricky. It's like going on

(30:45):
the set of three Company with Mr Furley. Um, but
you know you can get past that. Well, John, let
us know how it goes. I think a lot of
these issues are gonna kind of fall away once they
build the support staff. But my my dad was a
successful businessman, always says partnerships are like lobster traps. It's

(31:05):
very easy to get into them and very hard to
get out without losing a limb or your life. So
this might be the time to also think about buying
her out, if that's an option. Okay, well then that's
a third opinion. Yeah, I think that you've got a
spectrum of opinions here, So just pick one, pick one,
and let us know which one you chose, and let
her have her handbags. Yeah. I was about to say

(31:27):
that too. Don't get petty with that stuff that will
ruin everything. This business is really good. Let's keep it.
Let's keep it at bay a little bit. Don't start
to bring up the tesla in the handbags, because that
will throw it into an entire into a tailspin. Immediately defensive. Yeah.
I was had a girlfriend who I had loaned I
don't know, probably like over too and she bought a

(31:49):
Tesla and I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
I just could never speak to her again, you know,
And do you believe that? I mean twenty thousand dollars
over years and years, but just a constant fun up,
always needing money, always needing help, support, blah blah blah.
And you know I was her only friend that could
help her with that. And then when she's when my

(32:10):
friend goes, guess who just bought a Tesla, I was like, Okay,
I'm done. I'm done now. Well, our first caller today
is ev. The subject line of his email is medicated
from four years old, proudly gay, undeniably resentful, and unable
to tell the truth about it, Dear Chelsea. I was

(32:30):
heavily medicated from the age of four until my mid twenties.
My parents believed I had a plethora of learning disabilities
a d h D, bipolar disordered depression, et cetera. As
I got older, I started to taper off the medication
without telling them, because I know it gives my mother
a sense of security to know that I'm taking my meds.
I no longer drink alcohol, take drugs or medications of

(32:53):
any kind. I enjoy my life. I love my husband,
and I love what I do. Is telling my parents
that I don't take any meds now that I'm thirty
one the right thing to do. And should I be
upset with them for medicating me for so long? Yours truly?
Ev Hi ev doing? Oh we're doing well? This is

(33:13):
Ali Hudson. He's our special guest. Hey, how you doing good?
How are you good? I've never heard anyone called ev.
It was a nickname when I was a kid. It
just kind of it kind of stuck with me. I
don't know, I like it. Yeah, it's cute, but I
was telling your producer, it's always something whenever I'm in

(33:34):
a like a situation where I'm nervous, I'll always say, hey,
you can call me V. It's like, I don't know,
it's a bit disarming. I guess, Okay, that's cute. I
thought it was going to be sure for Evelyn. That's
why I was surprised to hear that it was a man. Okay,
we've got that clarified now, ev Well, it's really nice
to meet you, and I'm so sorry that you were
medicated at four years old. What that's a bit of

(33:55):
a ship show. Yeah, I kind of. I don't I've
grappled with it for a long time. I'm it's not
something that I feel ruined my life in anyway. I
do wonder developmentally what would have been different if I
didn't have antidepressants like ib blew of other medications at
that age. One thing I've tried to tell myself again

(34:15):
and again is my parents did this because this is
what they knew. So it's kind of that I'm not
upset with my parents. I just wonder, I don't know.
I wonder why and kind of why there were systems
in place to support that. So I don't know. It's
something in my life that my husband two has been
very supportive. He's kind of been the one that's like,
you know what, now is not the time to talk

(34:37):
to your mom about it. Let's just let's push this.
We don't need to do this right now. So I
just I kind of wanted your advice. I love the podcast.
I'm a huge fan. I just wanted to hear from
you what your what your take was. I would just
say right off the bat, like, there's really no point
in going back, you know what I mean, your parents
did what they did. There's nothing you can do to
change it, and any energy towards that or any resentment,

(34:59):
you know, you really want to try and work actively
to let go of because there is nothing you can do.
And when there's nothing you can do, the best thing
you can do is move forward and just try to
forgive them that. You know, they I'm sure they weren't
trying to hurt you. They were doing the best that
they could in that moment, and they weren't as informed
as maybe they could have been. And that's really, you know,
not their fault either. So Ali, do you want to

(35:20):
speak a little bit about Yeah, no, I I completely
agree when you were speaking, that's exactly what I was thinking.
I mean, how's your relationship with your parents now? Is
it good? Yeah? It's actually the best that's ever been. Right,
So this is the reality we live in right now,
what they did in the past, Chelsea's right. I mean,
they were probably trying to figure it out themselves. How

(35:41):
do we make our kid better and how do we
make ourselves feel better? Because when your kid is out
of control, you feel out of control. So I think
it was just as much for them and as it
was for you in a way. But now your parents
it's an amazing relationship. So you know what, funk it?
It's gone. They did it, you know. Yeah, there is one.
There's one part of that though that I don't that
I'm a little weirry about. They don't know that I'm unmedicated.

(36:06):
That's that's really what You're a grown man. I know,
I know, And it's part of me is like, you
know what, it's not their business. You You're living your life.
You've been in HR for ten years, which is not
something you can do if you don't have, you know,
your ship together. So I don't know, I just some
part of me feels bad about not being honest. I
think great relationships in your life, whatever they are, they're

(36:28):
always they come from a place of trust. So I
worry that if I'm not bringing trust to the table,
how good really is the relationship. That's kind of where
I am. Oh okay, well, I mean no, I think
that's valid to bring up, Like why, I mean, what's
preventing you from telling them that you're not medicating? Right?

(36:49):
I think that's but that's what's in my head. What
is the worst that could happen? Are they going to
get upset about it? Are they gonna not talk to
me for a while. I don't think that they're that
kind of people, that they really have been great parents
growing up. I think it's just I'm in my head
about it, and I don't know what the worst consequence
would be. I just don't want to make waves, and
I find myself making excuses. I truely, I truly don't.

(37:11):
I don't know what the worst could be. How long
have you been unmedicated for? Uh? It will be well,
twelve twelve years? Oh well, okay, yeah, I think you
should tell your parents. I think he's weighing on you
and you should have been lying for that. Well that's okay,
that's okay, that's okay. You were just like trying to

(37:31):
almost protecting them in a sense, you know what I mean.
You didn't want to stress them out. You can always
explain that to them in that way. But if it's
weighing heavily on you being honest, which is really admirable,
go and tell them and just say, hey, I just
want to let you guys know this has been bothering
me for some time because I haven't been forthright, but
I haven't been medicated and it's been about twelve years.
I feel great. My life is going well. I just

(37:52):
didn't want to burden you with this, but I feel like,
you know, just what you just told us. It was beautiful,
like in you know, in the hopes of having a real,
a fruitful, meaningful, deep relationship. Honesty is one of the
most important facets of that. Plus, you're a living example
now of just what it's like to live a beautiful
life without medication. So it's not like you're telling your

(38:13):
parents when you're all jacked up and you're not feeling good.
You're looking good, you feel good, you got your man,
you're successful, you know all of those things. So you know,
how can they even deny where you're at because you are.
This is this beautiful place, you know, that's kind of
That's exactly what I thought in my head, and that's
what my husband told me. He's like, why don't you

(38:34):
come to them when you or it's just undeniable. You've
been doing this for ten years. You you look great.
If you know everything is together, your career isn't an
upward trajectory wait until that point. So and I appreciate that.
And that's kind of what I'm hearing from you guys
do but I think I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm jealous.
I'm still on medication, like I gotta. I tried to

(38:55):
get off last year and then I had to prescribe
because I lost my ship. I had the worst summer
of my life with in such intense anxiety. It was
so gnarly for me, and it wasn't I had experienced
it before in my twenties, but it was so rough
trying to raise three kids. And I had to go
back on Alexa pro just because I needed it even

(39:15):
out again. I I just I just lost, you know,
and I'm on it now. No. The other thing, I
was writing the email and I was like, God, this
sounds so judgy. I was like, I don't drink, I
don't do drug or any of that anymore. And I
was like, God, I hope Chelsea doesn't think that I'm
like judging up people that take medication, because I'm not.

(39:35):
I think it's a beautiful thing if that's what you
need and that's your path. I was just speaking personally,
so like, you know, what I mean. Everyone kind of
has to come at it at their own point of
viewer advantage point. I got, what medication were you on?
Or medications? Oh my god, uh michel riddling um alexa

(39:56):
pro is one of them. I forget the names because
they were so it was the generic, but if they were,
it was a mixture of antidepressants, mood elevators, and the
riddle one was for focus. But it was like a
lot of It's a big cocktail, just like so, And
how was it for you to transition off of them?
I don't want to say it was a moment. It

(40:17):
happened very I just it was kind of like a
domino effect. One happened, then the other. I stopped taking
the other, and I was like, well, this is I
think a lot of the drama in my life was
created by the medication. This is normal. It seems like
we should have been doing this a long time ago. God,
get off this. Yeah. Yeah, Well that's a lot of

(40:40):
medications to be taking for a young kid anyway, starting young.
You know, when you're that young and you're taking them
for so long, you must be having to change them
all the time. Well that's that's the thing is that
dose has just kept increasing and increasing because you do
build a tolerance over time, and it's like they would
interact with each other. So you had to make sure,
like you couldn't drink. And how hard is it to

(41:00):
tell someone who is in college in New York City, Hey,
don't drink when it's like, what is not happening? Again,
I don't condone that for other people, but that's just
that's my own situation, and we should make sure that
we say here, like, if you are out there listening
and you're planning on tape bringing down any medications or
coming off of medications, please do talk to your doctor first,

(41:21):
because coming off of some medications can cause things like
suicidal ideation to increase and depression or maybe just aren't
good for you to go off of all at once,
So always talk to your doctor. But of course here
at this podcast, we believe if you can't make your
own serotonin store bought is fine. Yeah, well, I think
you're doing great. You seem like you've got your ship together.

(41:42):
I mean, look at you. So yeah, Ali wishes he
Alli wishes he were anyone but himself. Thanks Ev, thanks
for calling in, and good luck with everything, and let
us know how it goes when you do tell your parents,
will do well, do, thank you, Okay, report back? I
will by by what a gentle what a gentle giant

(42:07):
set for a non problem problem, you know, like he
didn't really have a problem, he just wanted to talk. Well,
you could tell he's self aware of sort of how
he makes people feel all the time, like I know,
I don't want to condone this or I'm sorry about this.
He's very apologetic, which probably lends itself to not being
able to tell his parents because of fear of judging

(42:29):
that was good enough therapy. I could be a therapist. Well.
Our next caller is Michelle. She says, Dear Chelsea, my
wife and I each made a New Year's resolution to
find a therapist separately. Neither of us have even attempted

(42:50):
finding one. I lost my dad a couple of years
ago to suicide, and my wife thinks that I need
to talk to a professional about it. I feel as
if I'm at peace with the situation. Obviously, I miss
him dearly and I think about him a lot, but
I don't feel I have an urge to talk to
someone about it. Most of my friends have therapists, and
love going, and I'm so supportive of therapy and love

(43:11):
the idea, but I'm inherently lazy, and any free time
I have to look up therapists, I end up being
lazy and turning on the TV or consume my time
with something else. Maybe that's something I need to talk
to a therapist about. I feel like it might help
to just get a push from somebody on the outside. Michelle. Hi, Michelle, Hi, Hi,
This is Oliver Hudson, our special guest today. Hi. However,

(43:35):
we both have our master's degrees in therapy, psychology. Just therapy, Yeah,
just therapy. So I mean, listen, getting a therapist. You're
not going to come out worse for that. Even if
you go to one or two sessions and decide this
isn't for me, like, at least then you you you
will have tried, and you will have made an effort

(43:55):
in that direction. Your father committing suicide is going to
have an impact on you, whether you realize it or not,
whether it's now or bubbles up in ten years. I
would always advocate to get ahead of that, to get
ahead of grief that you don't feel yet, because there
is something called delayed grief. And that happens to a
lot of people. So you could be at peace with
it now, and I believe that you feel that way,

(44:16):
but you don't know what's around the corner. And a
life event like that doesn't just go like it tangles
you up at some point. And as far as your
wife is she going or has she made in roads
to do that, well, then I guess that that's even
more of an impetus. Set an example. You do it,
you know what I mean, and show her like, yeah,

(44:36):
I did it, I did what we agreed we're gonna do.
Sitting back and watching TV, listen, we can all relate
to that, like I did that last night. I was
supposed to write something and I was like, oh funk it,
I'm just gonna watch, you know, brain dead television. And
it never makes you feel good about yourself to not
do the thing you're supposed to do. It just makes
you feel like ship the next day. So when you
can get ahead of something in your life, you're doing

(44:56):
yourself a favor, and you're doing all the people around
you who love you a favorite too. Yeah that makes sense.
I think I have a concern and I was talking
to a friend about this that like, I'm gonna olive
her just threw up? Are you okay? Okay? Sorry, you
just had a big breakfast. It was Captain crunch everywhere.

(45:18):
I'm gonna find somebody like, make an appointment, go and
then I'm not gonna like what they have to say
to me or be annoyed was what they have to
say to me, and then never go again. And that's
going to be it. And I put effort into it,
and it's I know, it's not a one size fits
all situation. You've got to shop around for you know,
lack of a better term. But that's also just something

(45:38):
that I don't look forward to do it. But you're
projecting all of that, right, You're creating a non reality,
you know what I mean, a narrative that hasn't even existed.
You've already in your mind gone to the therapist, had
a horrible time, said fuck you, you're terrible. I'll never
find one again. Then you're back on the couch when
really you haven't even done. I mean, you've just created that,
you know what I mean, which is what's preventing you

(45:59):
from actually experiencing it. And you may be very pleasantly
surprised absolutely what is preventing you from doing it? Just that,
I mean basically just saying it's not going to work.
That's probably the main cause. And then also just feeling
like so I talked to a medium and I thought
that that was just the coolest thing ever and that
was exactly what I needed for healing and just hearing

(46:22):
what she had to say, and I just thought that
that was kind of the closure I needed, I suppose.
So the nice thing about seeing a therapist is that
if you don't have a lot to work on, they
will usually tell you that too, So you might go
for a few sessions and they might, you know, kind
of essentially give you a clean bill of health and say,
you know, if you need to talk again about work

(46:42):
or anything else, let me know. But yeah, they'll give
you well in therapy. Is great because my best sessions
in therapy are the ones that I just do not
want to go to them. I'm fine, I don't want
to do this, I want to go play golf, I
want to do something, but I'm going to commit stick
to my commitment, and then ten minutes in, I'm like,

(47:03):
oh my god, whoa, this is happening right now? You know, Yeah,
and you don't have to, Like, if it's not for you,
you don't have to stick with it. It's just like
making an effort to do something out of your comfort
zone is really important as a life skill. I think
I like to always challenge myself, like I dread half
the ship I do because I'm like, how did I
get myself into this situation? Again? That's what makes you strong,
and it makes you tough, and it makes you knowledgeable,

(47:24):
and then you become like a fuller rounder I mean
in essence, you know, not like physically rapture physically, but
you know what I mean, Like it's a good exercise,
so just try and figure it out and go through
with it. But if it's not where you belong, then

(47:44):
that's okay too. The other thing, too, is what about
your wife? Maybe, so why don't you come with me?
Why don't you guys do a couple of session together?
You know, Yeah, that's something we definitely have talked about too.
So I might also just be helpful to have you know,
someone that I trust sitting there with me too, or
you could go alone, come back and tell your wife
that your therapist told you to start swinging and see

(48:06):
that that that's where that landed you, So go yourself.
And then she's like, do not go to therapy ever again?
Thank you. I don't know a lot of people are
into swinging these days. All you don't know what the
reaction is going to be. Everybody. I know, it keeps
coming up in conversations, and I don't know if people
are joking. I'm joking, but I don't know if other
people are joking about swinging because it seems very prevalent
right now. No, I know. I know I'm more of

(48:27):
a one sided swing. Like I couldn't want to up
with the girl, right, I don't want to swing to
go backward. I also don't want to hook up with
a guy. I would rather hook up with a girl
with my boyfriend than have sex with two men. That
doesn't feel right to me at all. It seems like
too much work. Yeah, well, you're a lesbian, so it
definitely feels like too much work for you. Right, So

(48:49):
there you go. Well, thank you Michelle for calling in.
Thank you, Thank you all. Thank you. Let us know
how it goes, yeah, keep us posted. Okay, okay, thank
you you. You have a good day, you too. M Well,
this next one is a doozy. This is from Ari L.
Subject line was am I the asshole? Dear Chelsea. About

(49:12):
three years ago, I received a suspect Facebook message from
a woman who claimed to be my half sister, saying
that we shared the same dad. I was baffled and
I didn't know what to think. After days of questioning her,
it turned out she is my half sister, but doesn't
have a relationship with our dad. Our dad's name was
on her birth certificate, and the story she told me

(49:32):
about how he met her mom lined up a past
place they worked. The problem. She's between the age of
me and my older sister, which means my dad cheated
on my mom when they were still together. This half
sister got in touch with me because she was curious
about family health history and just wanted to know what
me and my older sister were like. She actually lives
in the same city as me, so we met up
and got drinks. We get along well, But then I

(49:55):
made what might have been a huge mistake. Right before
the pandemic, our dad died. He was sick for five
months before he died, and I never told my half
sister that he was sick. But the thing is I
didn't know he was dying. When I told her that
he died, she was upset and asked for funeral details.
My mom knows about this half sister, but doesn't know
that I know about this half sister, so I felt

(50:17):
inviting her would stir up drama at the funeral. I
was worried about people asking why she was there and
who she was. Me and my older sister told her
that she couldn't come, and this made her furious, understandably,
so I tried to reconcile with her and sent her
an apologetic message, but she read it and didn't respond.
I still feel bad for not letting her come to

(50:37):
the funeral, but was it right to do so in
order to protect my mother and family who didn't know
about her. I could write another email about how my
dad lived a whole double life and we didn't find
out until after he died, but I need help moving
on from this one. Am I the asshole for not
letting her come to our dad's funeral? Thank you? Ariel?
What do you think, Ali? I don't think you're an asshole.

(50:59):
I mean I think because it's coming from a compassionate
place of just trying to protect everybody not knowing what
to do, and this was your instinct was to do this. Now,
in hindsight, may have a different choice, have been better,
like maybe, but I wouldn't call it an asshole. I mean,
there's a lot going on here, discovering your dad had

(51:19):
an affair. You know, there's this sort of half sister involved.
The family doesn't know. I mean, there's so much going on.
It's hard to navigate something like that. And she had
to make a decision, and the decision was hers. I
was coming from a good place, not a bad place necessarily,
And now you've got to clean it up a little bit,

(51:40):
you know, But that's yeah, you're definitely not an asshole.
You were considering your mother's feelings, and you were considering
everybody's feelings. She can't have time to either understand that,
you know, and digest it and maybe come back around.
But you're definitely not an asshole. You didn't do it
out of like ill will or to be to be
a jerk. You were weighing all of the benefits and
like pros and cons of it, and it just seemed

(52:02):
like an imprudent thing to do at that time. And
I think that's totally understandable, So I would definitely not
keep beating yourself up about this. You can maybe reach
out to her again with another email, maybe explaining further
if you feel like you want to develop more of
a relationship with her, get to know her. If that's
true for you, then you should send her another email,
you know, when you think enough time has passed where

(52:23):
she can receive it in a different way, maybe and
explain yourself a little bit more about why it was
important for you to make that decision and how it
wasn't a reflection of you know, how you feel about her,
but it was about considering everybody else's feelings and how
uncomfortable it would have made the funeral, etcetera. But you
can't control how someone's going to react to your decision,
you know, and your loyalty and your familial responsibility is

(52:46):
to those people that you've grown up with and to
your mom. So yeah, I would mean she almost made
the right decision in a way. I mean, I imagine
if this person shows up at the funeral, It's like
who is this? And now all of a sudden, oh,
this is a seneral legitimate sister, And I'm like, whoa whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now it blows up. And even if like no one
else ever figures that out, the mom still has to

(53:08):
go through that day grieving the husband that she's just
lost with the presence of this person who's like the
mark of infidelity on her relationship. Like, that's really hard
for that mom. Yeah, exactly. I would never put my
mother through that ever. Yeah, I mean, the best case
scenario might be just to have a big family meeting,
be like, hey, throw it out a lot on the table,

(53:28):
let's get after it now, and then we'll leave here
holding hands. You know. It's like, all right, here's what happened. Now,
we're all in it. Now, we all know. Now there's
no secrets, and now we can either you know, men
fences or have a relationship or not. But at least
you know, it's all out there. Not not to make
this about me, but I've my father and his brothers
don't talk, and my whole Hudson side of the family

(53:50):
is like just fractured, and it's starting to get together
a little bit now. But I made I texted everyone.
I'm like, let's just rent out a restaurant and everyone
go and you can fight. You can laugh whatever, but
at least everyone's in the room and getting it all out,
and then we'll see what happens from there and what
was the response for that. People are willing, it's just
getting it done, it's actually making it happen. You'll just

(54:12):
find a local cheesecake factory that's the right place for that. Well, Ari,
I'll let us know if she gets back to you
or if you don't hear back, and if you reach out,
of course. Our last email today comes from Sarah. Sarah says,
Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to refer advice on an ongoing
issue I've been having with my boyfriend's family. To zoom

(54:35):
out a little, i just don't have time for people
in situations that drain my cup without ever putting a
drop back in. If spending time with someone doesn't make
me feel good, I'm out, been there, done that. Life's
too short. Enter my boyfriend's family. He and I have
been in a healthy relationship for four years and we
plan on getting married and starting a family together. He's
my guy. I absolutely adore him. He's incredibly close with

(54:58):
his family and I'm in predibly close to with mine.
We both agree that family is super important. He adores
his mom, which is great. His father passed away pretty
suddenly about five years ago, so he and his brother
tried to fill the space that was left for their mom,
which is amazing and makes me so happy to see.
But his mom drives me crazy. She's a really nice lady,

(55:19):
but she's a ball of nerves. Her family affectionately calls
her nervous Nellie, but it's more like incredibly anxious and
overbearing Nelly. She drives around with snow tires in a
city where it snows once twice a year for six
months because she's scared. She'll always ask a million times
if we liked the gifts she bought so annoying, or

(55:41):
if what she said of the family gathering was okay.
She recently freaked out about a light in our place
flickering because she thinks it will cause an electrical fire.
The list goes on and on. When we hang out together,
the boys go off and do their own thing, and
I'm stuck with Mom. I do my absolute best to
be kind in these situations because I know it's important
for his family to be together, and I want to

(56:01):
be a part of it. Being around her exhausts me
emotionally and mentally. If we have plans on a day
where I'm not at my best, I just can't handle them,
and I find myself being snippy and brash. My boyfriend
amazingly does realize how anxious his mom is, and we
can talk about it. But I can tell if I
go too far, he starts to get defensive, so I
really have to watch how I decompressed to him. I

(56:23):
worry about how these things will play out in the
future when we have kids and I want to have
a natural home birth. Is mom going to lose her mind?
Et cetera. Do you have any advice on building this
relationship even though it doesn't make me feel good? How
can I prepare for and handle these situations with kindness
and grace? Sarah already sounds like you are handling it
with kindness and grace. I mean, I would not be

(56:45):
left alone with her because I I you know. I mean,
first of all, yeah, you can handle it with kindness
and grace. You can do all the meditation you want
before every time you meet with her, But like she's
a live wire, it's all over the shop. It sounds
like with her, I don't think you should worry about future,
like projecting the future, or if you want to have
a home birth, you're gonna have a home birth, period, Like,
she can't interfere with what you're gonna do with your body.

(57:05):
She's not a Republican, or maybe she is. But I
think you should also have like an honest conversation with
your boyfriend about how much time you have to spend
with her, because that's not a fair ask. I don't
think you know, it's one thing to have to deal
with an in law or of any kind, whether it's
parents or siblings, but like it's not cool to have
to be that they go out and leave you alone

(57:26):
with her when she's like that, and they know she's
like that, and he can get as defensive as he wants,
but you need to lay some like heartfelt ground rules
about the amount of time that you're willing to spend
under those conditions because it really wears thin on you.
And I don't think that's unreasonable at all. I think
that just has to have like an honest even conversation
with your boyfriend, you know, and if he gets defensive,

(57:47):
you have to put a pin on it and wait
till he's not in a state of reactivity and be like, listen,
I'm not accusing you of anything. I've done this work,
I've tried it, and I just need to have a
fair set of ground rules. Love it because nothing's going
to change. The mother in laws is not getting better.
It's nothing's going to shift. That's just what you have
to deal with. So then it's about making the best

(58:08):
of that. And if that means your husband being more
or fiance being in tune to how you're feeling, then
you're limiting the time, you know what I mean, you
just start. But in laws are in laws can break
up relationships. I mean I've known people who have broken
up or very close to because of in laws, you know,

(58:29):
because you do get defensive. My mom always says, you
marry the family. I got so lucky. My in laws
are amazing. Oh yeah you are lucky. Yeah your family,
I mean lucky. Yeah, yeah, your family's the most want
to hang out plenty of friends who it's just like,
oh I can't I can't deal with that. I mean,
I just can't deal with it. So you have to

(58:50):
avoid it when you can't. Yeah, I would also say,
you know, when you do have to spend time with
her and you know they're going to go in the
other room or go you know, do their own thing.
Maybe get yourself an activity that you guys can do together.
So whether that's playing a game or watching a show
together or whatever, it is something that is like outside
of just talking about yourselves. I know in some of

(59:11):
my sort of more stressful in law relationships, being able
to have like a third thing that you're doing and
rather than just like talking about everyone in the family,
are talking about what's going wrong really, or you build
up credit, make a game out of it. Right, so
every hour you spend with my mom, you get a
day at a hotel. That sounds like a real affair
exchange like that will go well or it's just start. Yeah,

(59:32):
I like that. I think Catherine, that's a great idea
to have activities lined up so that it's not you know,
activities not like lawn bowling or something she's going to
freak out about, but board games like shoots and ladders.
Actually that might be scary for her too. It sounds like,
so maybe something a little bit more, maybe monopoly. Just
keep it basic, right, unless she's got financial anxiety. Yeah,

(59:53):
now we have to find out Hubert, what about Cubert?
Now that cause anxiety to cards? Cards? But yeah, yeah,
I think that's sweet. You've tried, and you sound very sweet,
and you've made a good effort. But again, you are
not responsible for her well being or her sanity. You're
responsible for your own sanity. Yeah. Well, Sarah, thank you

(01:00:17):
for emailing in, and we'll take a quick break right
now and we'll be right back. Okay, and we're back
from our LUFA scrub with Olifa Hudson Oliver Well, actually
it was Olive. Now it's with an f And based
on Oliver's advice that he gave today, I would say

(01:00:39):
that his podcast is very worth listening to. It's called
Unconsciously Coupled with his wife Aaron not not to be
confused with the other eron this is Aaron Hudson Aaron Foster,
and I'm sure she loves that. But yeah, he has
got a great part. He also has a podcast, Sibling Revelree,
that he does with his sister. But yeah, he's had

(01:01:01):
a lot of experience in this realm, so it's very
good to get a straight man's perspective on things. Yeah,
why not? Yeah, and especially if you're on a marriage,
which many people are, and everyone who's in a marriage
definitely hits a point in that marriage where they encounter friction.
There's always friction. I just love it. I honestly love
doing something with my wife, you know, because we we

(01:01:24):
haven't done anything in the in the work world together,
and it's just it's a blast. And I think it's
reflective in the show because it's not about trying to
sort of make a money grab of any kind, because
we're not making any money yet. It's just more about
just being together and having these conversations together and honestly
open stuff up with us. When she tells me that
she's not liking the next day, I'm conscious of that

(01:01:46):
and now I'm like, okay, you know. So we're learning
as we're talking, you know, which is which is fun.
It's nice to get to know somebody more deeply, you know,
because I think in relationships also, you can kind of
hit a breaking point where it's like, in certain relationships
you're going deep as you can go, and then you know,
if you stick it out and get through those phases
where you feel like it's not going to get any deeper,
and that's exactly when it gets deeper. You know. It's

(01:02:09):
that quote that they say, you know, in order to
change the world, you have to change yourself. And it's true,
like when you change, you affect change in other people
just by your vibration, just by your energy and your
open mindedness. It hasn't direct impact on the people closest
to you. So sometimes when you're doing the work, you
have to remember you're not only doing it for yourself,
You're doing it for you know, your spouse, children. Ye, yeah,

(01:02:33):
well Oliver. At this point in the show, we like
to ask if our guest has any advice that like
from Chelsea would you like to ask her for Do
you want me to teach you how to give a
blow job? Yeah? I've never I've never given one. Okay, Katherine,
do you have a banana? I do? I do. Here's
because we we've talked a lot. Okay, this is a
career question because you you know how to work, but

(01:02:56):
you also know how to play. Like you you balance
it very well, it seems, but you work hard, but
you also play hard. I play hard and don't work
hard enough. I love the fun of life. I feel
like I have a lot of potential in my career
as a director, actor in this business, and I have

(01:03:17):
yet to really scratch the surface of what that potential is.
But I don't have the greatest work ethic. The question
I guess is do I just remain content or do
I try to shift myself to where, Okay, it's time
to sort of realize your potential even though if even
though it's not something that is just driving me, we're

(01:03:39):
always working. Why do you think you don't work hard? Well?
Because I think it's relative to what I feel. I'm
going through the motions. I do my press for the show,
and I do love my podcast, but just creating for myself,
I I do stuff that comes to me rather than
going out there and really pursuing some of these ideas
that I have that I know can be great if
I just put the time in. Yeah, well, I think

(01:04:00):
then you've answered your own question. I mean, generating your
own work is a great source of like you're going
to find the joy that you find in your personal
life play life. And if you've already feel like there's
an imbalance between play and work and you make that adjustment,
the joy that you get from your play life will
go over to the joy that you get from your
work life. It's hard to break through, you know what
I mean. Like if I sit down at the computer,

(01:04:22):
immediately I'm gone. It's like you the other night when
you said you want to write and you're just watching
mindless TV. That mindless TV is more prevalent in my
life than it is than the work. You know, when
I know that the work would make me happy if
I can just get through it, but I get discouraged.
So how do you I think you just have to
create a new habit, you know, like you have to
give yourself, Like starting today tonight, you're gonna give yourself

(01:04:44):
one hour. Don't make it something that's not going to
be able to be fulfilled. Give yourself at thirty minutes
or one hour where you go sit down and you write,
Like what are you It doesn't even have to be
writing a script or writing an idea. It's like, right,
what you want to get accomplished in this hour? In
the next three months? Do you ever sit down and
not do it? Meaning like you say, this is my
time to work, and I'm like, I got nothing, but
I'm sitting here and I'm trying. Yeah, yeah, I do

(01:05:05):
that a lot sometimes sometimes Yeah, like I just always
if I have twenty minutes on a plane or even like,
you know, two hours on a plane, I make sure
that a reading for me is always a spark of creativity.
If I read a book, which I always do, but
I now I'm like, Okay, you can read, but you
can't read for two hours anymore because I have to
write a book right now. So I'll read for like

(01:05:26):
thirty minutes and then I write for an hour and
a half. I'll be like, you have this time amount
on a plane ride. But for somebody who's just trying
to shift that narrative in your mind, I think psychologically,
if it's too big of a responsibility, it will be
hard for you to fulfill. So I think you just
have to say to yourself, like, starting tonight or whatever
time in the morning you have, if it's in the morning,
if it's at night, whatever, pick thirty minutes, forty five minutes,

(01:05:49):
and then slowly, as time goes by, you're gonna go
sit down at your computer and write what you want
to accomplish during this time, or start writing a script,
or start writing ideas that you want to generate into
becoming more of a reality. And then over time you're
gonna be drawn to that, you know what I mean,
you just have to create the habit. And I fall
in and out of habits all the time, but I
definitely am good at creating new ones and getting myself motivated.

(01:06:13):
And so you just have to light that fire. And
once you light it and just say, like you go
for five nights in a row of an hour a
night where you're just sitting at your computer, even if
nothing comes out, you're just like fucking around with ideas.
On the sixth night, you're gonna want to go to
theater because you're like, wait, I gotta go do this,
you know. And I think that's a good creative Now
it's true, and it's I think you're right. It's not
about it's the time that you create in the beginning

(01:06:35):
is not overwhelming, like two and a half hours. I mean,
just give yourself a small amount of time. And yeah,
there's a great book called Daily Rituals, which it just
gives you kind of every artist what they do and
they're creative time. Like some people are more creative in
the morning. I know. I am, like I'm more clear,
Like I like to look at a script first thing
in the morning. If i'm writing something or a book,
because that's when I have the most clarity and I
haven't fogged up my brain by then, you know. But

(01:06:56):
some people it's late at night, you know, and some
people it's mid afternoons. You have to just find out
what time your zone is and try them out at
different times and see when you feel like the most
kind of productive daily rituals. Yeah, it's just a it's
a little it's not like a bookbook. It's just gives
you like all these artists, philosophers, painters and when they
worked and how they worked like that. I'm going to

(01:07:18):
get that because you don't want to overdo it. Yeah,
it's I've been trying to figure out for a long
long time. Yeah, I know that because we've had this
conversation before. So you should just bite it and chew
it and start, i know, I know, breaking the habit
and then follow up with us and let us know
how that advice goes. Okay, I'm going to check it
with you in two months. Okay, good, it's been accomplished.

(01:07:42):
Oliver Hudson. You are it's a light. This was so
fun that I know. Well, now you have your own
podcast to do it. All the time. I love the
psychological aspects. Great. Yeah, thank you. So. If you'd like
to ask THEE a question, email us at their Chelsea
Project at gmail dot com.