September 21, 2023 • 44 mins
Chelsea and Catherine get a followup from a world-traveler, discuss the delights of a fat baby, and help a First Nation artist find the love of his life (hopefully). Then: A new diet comes between two besties and their indulgent dinners out. A 30-something’s boyfriend can’t commit. And a lovebird isn’t concerned about her boyfriend’s alternative look… but her mom has other ideas.
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Slide into Patrick’s DMs at @patrickhunter_art!
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Trigger warning: This episode contains discussions of disordered eating. Thanks to Betterhelp for sponsoring our new segment, Calling In Backup, and to Courtney Cope, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and Principal Clinical Operations Manager at BetterHelp.
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Oh oh wow, you have a little party boomer. I
actually a little podcast party boomer.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Can I tell you why, Chelsea? We are finally going
to do some matchmaking.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh that's nice, callers, pay attention. Are these just for
gay people or is this for hetero heterogenerous heado generous couples?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Here is the thing. When I finally dug into the emails,
I thought to myself, like, how am I going to
hook these people up?
Speaker 5 (00:32):
Right?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Because people are all over the country, all over the
world emailing in. Some people are gay, some people are straight,
et cetera. There are a lot of straight women that
wrote in. And I you know, we will do our
best for you ladies, but yes, it's going to be
more successful for gay guys.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay, well take whatever we can tell you. You know
what I mean. We have to help who we can help.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yes, But I thought what we'd do. I thought we
can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing and then we'll
let people side into their into an email that we
create for them. Cute, Chelsea, I have some updates from
some previous callers. Are you ready for this?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Okay, Well, this first one is from a recent piece
of advice that we gave Melanie. She was from an
episode that you and I had done together. Her airbnb
host was a little older, little sexy older man situation.
She was worried about putting the moves. Uh huh, She says,
I have a very happy update for you. After another
month of growing closer and getting flirty, my host finally
(01:31):
bit the bullet while we were on a hike.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Together, add sister. I love it.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Until me he'd like to be more than friends. Needless
to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been
such a chicken about making a move Since then, we
went on a first official date where he took me
to the movies and surprised me with roses. We finally
said everything we've been holding in, and things moved quickly.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Ever, I love that part or you tell each other
all the times you were about to say something and
you didn't, and then they tell you what they were thinking.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
That's the most exciting time of a reallyationship. It's the best.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
It's a very very beginning where you're just flirting and
like trying to like be on your best behavior.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
And like filling in the gaps from things that have
already happened, like here's where my head was at with that.
He treats me like absolute gold, and I'm stunned that
it's even possible to feel so adored by an emotionally
available man. I'm being showered with words of adoration and
we're already talking about finding ways for me to stay
here in New Zealand long term. It's a big adjustment.
(02:26):
Living in the same house and dating a much older
man is all new territory for me. But I'm more
than ready to heal all the dating app drama I
endured in my twenties. Thanks again for your encouragement and
all you do on this podcast. Hopefully I can provide
more happy updates soon. In gratitude a Melanie.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
And stay in New Zealand.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
That's a safe place for global warming too. They're saying
New Zealand US. All the bunkers are over there.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Are there?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, they have a lot of millionaires and billionaires have
built like bunkers into the side of the mountains in
New Zealand, even though it's pretty much an island.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah, it doesn't have huge elevation but has protective rock
layering and there are hills and stuff. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
We have a friend who is a Kiwi and he
did COVID right. He decided to like leave his terrible
wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning
of COVID, and he was like, I got there. You
have to quarantine for two weeks, right, so they put
you up. The government put you up in a nice
hotel on the beach and one hour a day they
would like have someone follow you for your like romantic
(03:26):
walk on the beach so you could have some outdoors time.
And then they give you like steak dinners every night
for two weeks, all on the government. I was like,
good job New Zealand.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
For when you were stressed out.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he
had to quarantine because they only let.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yeah that is nice.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yes, I'm having dinner with my friends tonight and he
just texted me, do you want sushi or steak?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I'm like sushi.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I don't want steak any early.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
I don't know even when my bell gets steak for
the house. I look at it now and I'm just
so disgusted. I can't even eat it. I can eat
a burger, but steak itself starting to get really grossed
out by I know.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Sometimes you do just get the ick like I sometimes
we'll get the ick for chicken for like two years ago.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had that about salmon, and now
I'm down, deep down, I'm upriver with salmon.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I love salmon.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
You know why.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I also like salmon because bears love salmon, and I
love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon. Do you
watch YouTube videos or it's just like your canon stadium?
Oh yeah, I watch are bears and fat fat babies?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Oh yes, I love both of those things.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
It's amazing how a lot of people do not like
fat babies because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends
and a lot of them are like, stop sending us this.
They're like, this is gross. I'm like what, I think
it's beautiful. I mean, when is the time to be
a fatty unless.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
It's absolutely easiest time to do it?
Speaker 1 (04:46):
See?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
My thing right now is just like dogs that are
howling or like singing quote unquote, and people will write
these like jazz tunes underneath them, and it cracks me
up every single time. I just absolutely love it. Dog
humor is pretty solid, solid, It's solid.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
On that note, we're gonna take a quick break and
will be right back, and we're back.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
We are well, h says dear Chelsea. I'm an almost
thirty three year old woman living alone in a major
city in Washington State, which I recently relocated to to
be closer to certain members of my family. My relationship
with my mother has gotten a little bit better in
recent years as both of us have been going to therapy,
but still honestly has quite a ways to go. I
(05:32):
love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful
person underneath it all. My mom has never liked any
person I've ever introduced her to, whether they were romantic
or a friend. She always seems to see the worst
in people, even when they've never given her any reason
to be suspicious or wary. In all my adult life,
I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is,
(05:52):
and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life
choices roll off my back like water off a ducts back,
as you like to say. Periods of time in which
I've gone low contact or given her a strict information
diet to preserve my joy and protect myself from her
unsolicited opinions. But I've also tried to do right by
her and make her proud. I've been dating my boyfriend
(06:13):
for a few months, and recently it felt like a
good time to casually introduce him to some of my people,
my folks included. I felt that it all went well.
All of my friends absolutely loved him, and the meeting
with my folks seemed very chill and cordial. Then a
week after that, my mom expressed significant concern. She said
that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that she feels he
(06:35):
is potentially dangerous, and has a gut feeling that he's
bad news. I maintained my composure to hear her out,
but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude
or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way.
She said no, it was just her intuition exactly. I
feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look.
He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in
(06:57):
his youth and looks a bit rough around the edge.
I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them,
and honestly find it very hot that he has his
own style. He's in touch with himself, and I find
his look very attractive. He's a wonderful man who treats
me better than I've ever been treated, and is much
softer on the inside than he looks on the outside. However,
I truly value intuition. Do I put stock in hers
(07:20):
or trust my own? Sincerely?
Speaker 6 (07:22):
H Hi, h Hi, Chelsea, Hi Catherine, So great to
meet you.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Is that a cabbage patch kid behind you in that window?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
So some weird dull?
Speaker 6 (07:32):
Yeah, I'm a nanny, so there's all sorts of kid.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Oh oh, I see copy of that.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yes, we are catching her during nap time.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
So it sounds like you have a long history of
this dynamic in your relationship, right, that she's been pulling
this shit for years and years.
Speaker 6 (07:45):
Yeah, and to the point where I want to honor
her perspective and I want to always consider if there
may be is some truth to any of her complaints,
you know, But when I really think about it, I
just can't quite figure out what her deal is, why
there's consistently a problem.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
And has her intuition been right before?
Speaker 6 (08:05):
Not really, I mean, not in anything else. I mean,
she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't
last forever. But that was my choice and a good one.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But that's more factual, that's not intuitive, right, that's what happened.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Happened.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
I would put a lot less value in what her
intuition is telling her. There is a nice way to
say this to her, though, because you have a great
opportunity because you just said all of these things that
make your boyfriend or I don't know if you're calling
him that yet, are you calling him your boyfriend? Okay,
your boyfriend like shady kind of characteristics like he's missing
a couple of teeth, or what people would frame as
(08:40):
rough around the edges as you mentioned like that, right,
I think that's really open minded of you that that
doesn't bother you. That's a great place to start to say,
to just engage in this conversation and go, you know,
while I can understand for this, this and this reasons
that might have made you uncomfortable, but I don't really
look at those things as you know, I think those
are characteristic of who he is, not as character flaws,
(09:04):
you know, And you can use your own language to
say all of this, but it's a great opportunity to
a be soft and gentle honor her intuition, and also
let her know it's really no longer welcome. You're a
woman now. You don't need her opinion, you don't need
her approval. She's not even proven herself to be good
at listening to her intuition. These are judgments, not intuitiveness.
(09:28):
You know, judgment and intuition are two different things.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
So yeah, well, thank you for clarifying, because that's kind
of where I was trying to draw the line as well,
where it's like, if it actually felt like intuition, if
it was coming from a best friend who actually knows
me really really well.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Or has a track record of steering you in the
right direction.
Speaker 6 (09:48):
Then I would be taking it super seriously. But with her,
it's like, now, I think that's just a nice word
for judgment.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
For me, it's a big green flag to me that
all your friends really really liked him, and that you
know he got along with the rest of your people.
And I think you know you have this track record
with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends,
she doesn't like whoever you bring home. I think you
mentioned she loves everybody your sister brings home.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
M M.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Of course, when you just gotta feel amazing. But you mentioned,
you know, wanting to do right by her and make
her proud, and I think for me, especially, like that's
something I carry with me all the time that I'm
working on. Dismantling in my thirties is just like being
okay with sort of disappointing my parents and in ways
that are sort of large and small, and often you know,
(10:33):
the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it
was going to be in in previous years. And you know,
like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her reminding her,
don't judge a book by its cover. That's not what
I'm doing. And I'd love to see him prove you wrong.
And you know, whether or not we stay together for
the long haul. I think he's a great person and
would love for you to get to know him better.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
Right, So would you both say that would you recommend
that I wait to have that conversation with her and
then kind of feel out how any future meetings between
them might go, because I I don't want to completely
bar him from any part of my family life just
because she's going to get pissy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
But I also don't want to.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction
to this because it doesn't sound like you've had this
conversation with her before.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
Correct not on this subject, but I have essentially said
very similar things to her opinions about either my school
or my career or my this or my you know whatever.
So just different topic, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
We'll use this topic, and trying to like just change
the approach, even just slightly different, so that it's memorable
for both of you in a positive way, because I
think you don't seem like an angry person. But get
rid of any anger.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
Or accusation, okay, because even calling out her judgment is
really her accusing him of being something that she has
no proof to bear witness of. So I think you're
gonna look at this and you're gonna be proud of yourself.
And it cannot be understated to every single person who's
listening today. When you act and courage and you stand
up to something that bothers you in a loving way,
(12:12):
it's like you evolve to the next level of being
a human being because you won't ever have to struggle
with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every
minute that you spend thinking about it and executing it
in the like, in your highest vibe and really getting
the message across to your mother in a loving way.
And I guarantee you will be You will be very
surprised by the response, because I don't think you're gonna
(12:35):
have to worry about when to schedule after even if
she gets mad, Initially, she's going to come down and
think about what happened, and she's going to know that
she wants to see you.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
That's going to be, you know, a double thing, and
she's going to want.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
To prove to you that she's not judgmental and that
her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will
be wanting to spend time with you. And that's not
to say that her intuition is right, but that will
be her motivation, do.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Because you came at her at a different level, and
then that requires a different response. You can't mingle the
same way when you're doing it differently.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah, and you know you've learned this lesson not to
judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy,
he seems really great, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet.
So coming at her with a sort of like you
don't have to say this to her, but in your
mind being like aw, like she has she's not quite
there yet, you're encouraging her like maybe just have an
open mind. I really like him, and maybe you'll you'll
have a different opinion down the road, and then like
(13:26):
leaving it at that. I think whether to like talk
to her about it or shoot her a text is
dependent on like how sort of activated you think that
you will be. Do you feel like you can have
this conversation with her in person and not get upset
with her, or do you think maybe shoot her a text.
Speaker 6 (13:42):
At some point, I feel like I can as long
as things haven't been like getting inflammatory earlier on that
you know, hang out or conversation. But she is in
town actually for the next couple of days, so I've
just been kind of keeping things neutral around a little
bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and
(14:03):
just shooting the breeze, not really bringing it up, just
trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel
like if the opportunity presents itself and makes sense, then
I might go for it, and if not, then I
might just wait a little bit longer and maybe add
something like that into a text the next time that
(14:25):
I'm going to be in her orbit.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
And also, you know, the more that you do bring
him around, the less of sort of a shock his
appearance will be. Like when you get to know someone,
their appearance in a weird way sort of fades away.
You don't notice these sort of really specific things about
them that you might have noticed so much in the beginning.
So you know, I would definitely encourage you to like
keep bringing him around.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Awesome, we'll do cool.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And also will you text us a picture of him too,
or like the two of you together?
Speaker 4 (14:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (14:52):
Absolutely, it's going to be from a rocky horror picture show.
So we're going to look all sorts of interesting.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Love it perfect, good life.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Thank you so much, Age.
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Thank you so much, both of you. Love your show
so much.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Good luck with the babies.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
Have a great day, you too. I bye.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
My mom by the way, who was about to be
in town. Every time she comes, she's like, do you
have any tattoos? No, Mom, I still don't have any tattoos.
That's like her greatest fear.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
For it is that's fun.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Oh my nieces have tattoos. They do have tattoos. I
don't have any, but they do.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Well, you can still be buried in Jewish cemetery then.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, right, well, yes, I hope they put me on fire, though,
set me on fire and tossed me into the ocean.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
I hope they tossed me into the mouth of an anaconda.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
That sounds wonderful, actually, well. Our next caller is Christina
Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty three and my boyfriend is forty six.
We both currently live in California. We dated for six months,
then he abruptly ended things. I was completely caught off
guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my
dad and my grandmother died on the same day coincidentally,
(16:02):
and my uncle died on my birthday a few months later, so,
needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup.
Six months went by and we ended up reconnecting and
have since been together almost a year now. His father
died a few months ago, and he's dealt with mental
health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants.
We truly love each other and spending time together. However,
(16:22):
I'm at a place where I want to know what
he wants for the future. Anytime I bring that up,
he gets uncomfortable and frustrated, and he says he has
to figure himself out first. My question is am I
wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out
and wait for him to figure out what he wants marriage,
family or bachelor life, etc. And also is he too
(16:42):
old for me? Thanks? Christina?
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Hi Christina, Hello, Hi telse me, I would say that
it sounds.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Like you should probably move on. Oh man, Yeah. I
don't think that.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Neither of these things are issues singular, but I think
collectively they become some issue. Like I don't care about
the age difference, but somebody at that age who's still
not ready to figure out what his life goals are,
it doesn't make sense. That's too old, Like you should
at least have your feet underneath you enough to say
yay or nay, because that can just be him stringing
you along until you give him an ultimatum. You know,
(17:18):
maybe that's what it is either way, or if it's
genuinely he doesn't know either way not hot, those aren't
hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good
for you.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And then on the.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Other side of it, like the breakup that you had
and then you getting over it. Obviously you had other
things to go, but like that's proof that you got
past him once.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Like I have no.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Problem imagining you getting over him again. Yeah, so that's
a positive thing to think about. You don't need three
people to die for that to happen either, Like you
can get over him, you know it's possible. And I
just don't think, especially when you've broken up with someone
and you got back together, that there's any room if
(17:59):
one of if you wants to be in this for
the long haul. There's no room for Like I don't know,
you were just in a relationship, you broke up because
it didn't work out, and now you're back together. You're
not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're
back together to stay together, or you're back together and
it's whoopsie doodle, it's time to break up again.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Yeah. I agree.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
The year mark feels like I mean, first of all,
as Chelsea said, his age, like it does sort of
feel like I have forty six. You should kind of
know what you want from life enough.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
To know if you want to be with someone that
you that you've been intimate and in a long term relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
With absolutely and make a future together.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
What's the wishy washy that's so unattractive?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three
months and he's not sure if he wants like marriage
and kids with you. You've been together on and off
for a year and a half.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
Yeah, And I joke because the only reason that we
really got back together this last time, I blame it
on my dog because my dog had an emergency one
night and he was like the first person that I called,
and so he was there right away. But if it
really weren't for that, it's kind of like I've put
in the effort.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
And you initiated the get back together then, like that
was you. So that's another reason that you should probably
move on. This doesn't sound like a him and you
relationship of fifty to fifty. It sounds like you making
the moves and him like okay or maybe not.
Speaker 7 (19:23):
I hate to say it, but I'm thirty three and
so I kind of want some answers, and you know,
it would just make me feel better to know what's
going to happen in a way, even though that might
not even work out.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
So yeah, I mean, you could present it in a
very direct, upfront way that's like doesn't give a lot
of room for figuring it out. Like, hey, buddy, I'm
kind of getting the sense that you're not down for
what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement
for you to be with me or for me to
be with you. But if you're not ready for that
and you can't commit to like a future together, then
I'm more interested in finding somebody who will.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And you know, no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
At all, Chelsea, You've given this type of advice before,
but that conversation like may include a breakup, maybe not
right at that moment in that conversation, but shortly thereafter.
And you know, sometimes when you do cap that with
a breakup of like, okay, then I do need to
move on. Like two weeks later, they're right back, like
knock on your door, Like, no, I figured it out.
(20:17):
I do want marriage and family and a kid's yeah.
Speaker 7 (20:19):
That is true, And I kind of have given him
a little bit more grease because, like I put in
the letter, you know, his dad passed away and so
he's been my depressant and that can have obviously a
big effect on lot.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
What everyone's dad passes away. It's not an excuse. It's
something to be sensitive about, but it's not the end
of the world. Everybody is dealing with that at some
point in their lives.
Speaker 7 (20:41):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
How important I mean, obviously you wouldn't be writing in
if it wasn't. But what's your trajectory as far as
I feel like I want to be getting married and
having kids, like sooner rather than later? Is it deal
breaker level for you? Where are you at on that?
Speaker 7 (20:56):
You know, I'm not in a super rushed I want
it to be their right situation. Otherwise I don't want
to do it at all. But I want to be
with someone that at least kind of wants the same
things and the future. So he doesn't really think that
he knows, and so I'm just like, how long is
it going to take for him to figure that out?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
You know?
Speaker 7 (21:18):
And then I'm getting older and so I just, you know,
would like to have some sort of certainty in a way.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
I think, Yeah, you sound very confident when you're talking
to us about this, and I would encourage you to
take that into your conversation with him, like leave the
koy stuff behind, Like Chelsea said, be super direct and
be like, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm
looking for in my five year plan whatever you know,
quote unquote, but this is what I'm looking for in
the near future. Is that something you want as well?
(21:45):
And I know is okay?
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (21:47):
And the reason I brought up the age things because
sometimes when I do come at him direct, it's almost
like he can kind of talk back to me in
a way where he acts like he is older than
me and those more what he does. But I'm feeling
like that's becoming more of an issue.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Well, and you're not twenty three, yeah, you're thirty three.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
And another thing to remember is, you know, when you
are breaking up with someone, like to not think about
what you're losing, but to think about the adventures that
you're about to embark on.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Like there's so much coming up for you.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
When you say goodbye to a situation, it doesn't matter
if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. You're
like up for new stuff all the time happening. You
need to focus on that when you're breaking up instead
of women who focus on I'm gonna be alone, I'm
gonna be alone, I'm gonna be loon.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I'm gonna miss them, I'm gonn miss him.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
You're gonna be with yourself and you're gonna have a
good time, and you're gonna go out with your friends
and family and whatever makes you happy. And if you
want to stay in bed for three days, you're also
gonna be able to do that. But it's not the
end of the world for any of us. As we're learning,
relationships are an opportunity to do it the right way.
When you're leaving someone, do it with style and grace
(22:54):
and no anger and be like, all right, party on,
you know. And if you guys end up back together, great,
and if you don't even better.
Speaker 7 (23:02):
Yeah, that is true. And it's sometimes hard to make
that decision. I mean, like I was thinking about it,
is it harder to break up with someone or to
be broken up with?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (23:11):
The age old question. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I think I prefer to be broken up with, yes
for that, but I need until I don't until I'm
broken up with and then I won't like it at all.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
When are you gonna have this conversation with him? You think, Well,
I did tell.
Speaker 7 (23:29):
Him that I was going to be talking to you guys,
and so he was joking and he said, well great,
He's like none, I'm gonna have to say she talked
to Chelsea Handler, and now she broke up with me
because Chelsea talk.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah, that is already a thing. I think that's out there.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Man. I can't go anywhere alone with men. I need
security at all times. Men hate me so much.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Well tell him we actually said, or get off the pot.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Just say Chelsea said.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
This doesn't have to be an angry or a combative conversation.
She just thinks we should both be as completely.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Honest as possible.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
And if his honesty is that he really doesn't know,
then you have to find somebody who does know.
Speaker 7 (24:06):
Yeah, And I mean the tough part about it is
that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way, so
it's hard to differentiate the two of those. You know, logically,
this makes sense, but then emotionally it's like we do
love each other. So to make that decision is tough
because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I
know of.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
But yeah, well give us an update as soon as
you have a conversation with him. And then also like
when you kind of figure out what's next for you,
or if he decides to man up and wants the
same future as you do.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
And emotions like you're talking about practicality or practical things,
And emotions like emotions aren't thought, they are feelings, you know.
It's what you do with that feeling that becomes the
thought of your emotion. So while you could be missing
somebody and grieving them, you can still be excited about
the possibilities beyond that relationship.
Speaker 7 (24:56):
Yeah, that is true. Well, yes, I'll keep you guys posted.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (25:01):
My mom got tickets to your show in October and
DC so fun.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Okay, cool, I'll see her then. Thanks so much.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Christina, thank you guys so much.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
Ye.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
I guess she's adorable. She's so sweet. Well, Chelsea, we
have our calling in backup segment today and I want
to say thanks to our partners at Betterhelp Response.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Right, Yes, thank you Better Help.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
And today we're joined by Courtney Cope. They're a licensed
marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at
Better Help. Hi Courtney, Hello there, Well, our first question
comes from and dear Chelsea. Within the past six months,
I've had a resurgence of self care and a new
outlook on health and fitness. I've been exercising and eating healthy,
(25:47):
and for the first time ever, I'm seeing health and
fitness as an act of self love and nourishment rather
than trying to change my body or punish myself. My
best friend is at a really low point in her life.
She previously struggled with sorted eating and exercising and all
around is just not in a place in her life
where she's ready to get back into it, which I
fully respect. Here's the thing. We have a previous history
(26:09):
of using each other as excuses to go out and
get hammered and not take care of ourselves, and I'm
outgrowing that need. My struggle is that I'm very determined
and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing my lifestyle,
and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a
workout class or not drink so much when we go out,
she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously.
(26:29):
I've tried to get her to join my workout classes
with me, but she's not at a place where she
can afford a gym membership either. Whenever she suggests going
somewhere to eat, I want to bring up that, yes,
I'd love to, but I'm trying to eat healthier and
would rather just eat the food I have at home.
But I worry about triggering her ed or making her
feel bad about herself when it's really not about her
at all. How can I make it clear that this
(26:51):
isn't just a phase, this is just something I'm really
trying to accomplish and I'm loving. How can I get
her to take me seriously and see that this is
self love without triggering her and making her feel bad
for where she's at in life? Is it possible? Am
I in the wrong? Thanks so much for all you do.
Speaker 5 (27:06):
And this is such a layered question. And the thing
that came to mind was the concept of seasonality in
friendships and how sometimes there are seasons where we're in
step and we're doing all the same things. We're going
to the same place, as we're listening to the same music,
we have the same hobbies. And then there are seasons
where we begin to kind of diversify our interests, or
(27:27):
it changes, our circumstance changes, maybe we move away, maybe
we get a different job, all these kinds of things.
So what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a
slightly different season potentially than her friend. And I just
want to first of all, reassure the listener above all,
this type of experience is totally common and super normal
for friendships.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, and I also think there's a way to sort
of get the train on your tracks. So, you know,
if you don't want to go out and you do
want to eat the food you have at home, invite
her over, you know, invite her over for whatever healthy
things you want to make and whatever healthy drink you
want to drink if you're drinking. But there's also ways
to find a restaurant that has really healthy options.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
And also just try not to shove it down her
throat so much like you're making it seems like you're
making a lot of proclamations about what you're doing. Is
sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without advertising them.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I think that's a very good point.
Speaker 5 (28:21):
Right, like, let your actions speak for yourself, because I
did hear you know, the question was what do I
do so that she doesn't, you know, feel bad or
she might question and it's like, well, if you're just
doing it right, no, if sands orbut's about it it's
really hard for people to make comments about it or
you know, be upset that you're doing It's like, you're
just out there doing it.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Chelsea, what do you think about? You know? She mentions
that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort
of blows it off. That to me feels like a
little bit of an insecurity thing.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
Well, it just feels like another reason to stop making proclamations.
She's not taking you seriously. You can't make someone take
you seriously by repeating what they're not taking you seriously about.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So keep it to yourself. I know you want it
to be a long term thing.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
It's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and
then you don't quit. You know, it's like the dynamic
if you don't stick to this. Of course you want
to stick to this, you want to make lifestyle changes,
but give it a year and when those changes are permanent,
then you could start espousing your you know what happened
and everything. But it's easy to not take someone seriously
when they're into something new. So I wouldn't even put
that on her friend so much. I would just like,
(29:24):
unless it's mean or whatever, she's not in that situation.
So of course she doesn't want you drinking less and dieting.
That's not fun for her. So I wouldn't put too
much weight on it. I would just say do your thing,
and if she could come along with you for some
of that, great, And you know, if you take some
time apart during this time, that's also fun.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
Right.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
That's a total typical part of adult relationships. And even
just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend
and not even bring some of these things into the mix,
just plan things like events that are not food related,
so going to a museum, go to the movies, go
roller skating, or go on a but like bring your
own food and instead of like, oh, we'll go out
(30:03):
and we'll find a place, like focusing on things that
will allow you to have parallel play, enjoy the activity
you're doing without making it about going out, drinking alcohol,
indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to
kindle that friendship and keep it intimate.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Because that's the other thing I hear is there is.
Speaker 5 (30:21):
An aspect of worrying of losing this friendship or them
becoming more distant because they used to go out and
use each other. She says, we use each other for
excuses to like make unhealthy habits and go out drinking.
So if you just transition your friendship to we find
meaning doing these other things, now, that allows it to
be more of an easeful transition.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Yeah, and I like that suggestion because it's not like, hey,
why don't we go for a hike. It's like let's
go to a museum, which is like still active, but
it's not like, hey, we're going to go for a run,
or we're going to go to a spin class or whatever.
I feel like usually the advice is to sort of
be really honest and open and confront the person, but
in this case that's not necessary and in fact, like
taking it a notch back.
Speaker 5 (31:03):
I would say the only caveat to potentially having a
conversation with your friend is, you know, she does mention
triggering her friend's disordered eating, and so if that is
a true concern and she wants to make sure she
doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment,
she could ahead of time just say something casual like hey,
(31:25):
you know, before they're together, text her give her a
calicy like hey, is now a time for me to
talk about something important. Great, So I just want to
let you know that I am making some changes in
my life, and I just want to make sure that
these changes because I know we've bonded in the past
over going out drinking and you know, maybe making some
choices that we were like, oh, that wasn't the healthiest
(31:46):
choice for us. I'm just going to be making different choices,
and I just want to give you a heads up
because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship, and
I want to make sure we're finding fun things to
do moving forward. That would be my caveat if she
genuinely is concerned about figuring her friend, But otherwise, I
think it's totally fine to just live your life exactly
what Chelsea was saying, like, live your life, go out,
(32:08):
be about it, don't talk about it, and then if
conflict arises down the road or her friend's like, how
come you're not going out with me anymore? Or how
come you know you keep turning me down, then you
can have a conversation about it, because then that's really
about the connection of the friendship versus the actual food
or drinks that they're consuming.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Yeah, for sure, and thank you for writing in and
of course thank you to our calling him back up
sponsor Better Help, and to Courtney Cope, who is a
licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager
at Betterhelp.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Thank you, Thanks Cortney. Bye bye bye.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with
some matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Can you please not saying matchmaking? Can you please not?
Speaker 3 (32:54):
We'll be right back. We're back with matchmaking. That's how
we're saying it, matchmaking. Every time you saying matchmaking, two
three hard boiled eggs fly out of your mouth.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Well, Chelsea, we're here with our first matchmaking folks candidate.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
So he wants to be hooked up this guy?
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Yes, okay, And you know, we had talked about doing
an episode about this, but I thought we could potentially
make this a recurring segment so we can match make
more people. I mean, I'm over here just like dreaming
of all the love that's going to happen, and like
hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things.
So I'm way down in the future. I'm picking out
curtains for everybody.
Speaker 8 (33:41):
Also, that might be tough with all the game and
you're going to connect they can adapt.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
By the way, in speaking of matchmaking, there's a bunch
of child Free and Crushing Its shirts available on our website.
In addition to Dear Chelsea Merch, we designed a child
Free and Crushing Its shirt which has been our biggest
tour seller.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
So I'm sure some of the callers would like that.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
That's amazing. I love that, Chelseahandler dot com. Well, our
first person to match is Patrick, and I thought how
we'd go about this is we are going to at
the end of this give people his Instagram so people
can slide right into his DMS. If Patrick sounds like
someone you might be interested in. Patrick. By the way,
(34:21):
when I first chatted with him, he was at his
ex's house walking his ex'es jog and he said, I
know you just had an episode saying don't do that anymore?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
It depends on the situation, but it seems like it
was a positive, so he says. I recently wrote in
an email to say every time I felt like I
needed to write in, I've listened to your podcast and
found my answer to highly specific situations from wanting to
fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing should
I buy a car, or if I should buy land
(34:53):
or make a career move. Your podcast has steered me
in the best direction. Nowadays. Everything in my life is
going pretty fucking swimmingly. I'm a successful visual artist, not
the starving kind, an uncle, a great friend, fucking funny,
and I'm a sweet ass dog dad. But the right
guy just hasn't come along. I've got my shit together
therapy wise, and I'm definitely of the same mindset as
(35:15):
you when you say when you're healthy, you'll attract healthy.
I'm on the apps, I've gone on dates, and it's
been a healthy amount of time since I've had a relationship.
But I think the universe was waiting for our paths
to align so that Chelsea can just say, oh fuck,
let's set this bitch up with someone. Perfect problem solved. PS.
I'm thirty four, gay, af and first nation which is
Native American to you, XO Patrick, and Patrick is going
(35:38):
to be joining us. Hi.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
How are you? Hi?
Speaker 4 (35:42):
I'm so good. I'm just going to put this on
to not disturb.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Good luck getting it off of that. So what kind
of guy are you looking for? Patrick?
Speaker 3 (35:50):
What interests you are you open? Do you have a
very specific expectations.
Speaker 8 (35:55):
Tell us I'm quite broad and tall, so I think
someone like a little bit more broad and tall like myself.
I am half Native American and I can't grow a beard,
so someone that has a beard, you know, chest hair
two would be sick.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Are you a top or a bottom? Does that matter?
Speaker 4 (36:15):
I'm like a little bit both.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Oh, yourse your worse. Yeah, I wanted to use that
in a sentence for a while. You're welcome, Thank you Patrick.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
I know I've told Chelsea that you were walking your
excess dog when we met.
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
What's your relationship history? How many relationships have you had
and how for how long?
Speaker 8 (36:32):
Well, I'm thirty four, i am going to be thirty
five this year, and I've had maybe like five relationships
since I was like twenty, you know, one for like
a couple of years, one for a year, one for
like six months.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
And then like one night stands and fine in between.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
And have you ever had a really really bad breakup?
Speaker 4 (36:55):
Yeah? It was. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (36:57):
I think like the first ones when you're really young,
you kind of I don't really know how to react,
and especially being a gay person that came out at twenty,
like straight people always have years ahead of us in
terms of like being able to date people for like
since they were you know, kind of kids.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
So I just didn't have the right kind of foundation
to deal with it. But that was like twelve years ago.
I'm good.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Now, Yeah that's good.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
And have you been to therapy? Are you do you
go to therapy? Are you into any of that?
Speaker 4 (37:25):
Yeah? Totally.
Speaker 8 (37:26):
The last one, I was like, okay, so I have
a pattern of just breaking up with dudes and just
kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting.
And I was like, you know what, these are all
great people like I kind of I don't want to
kind of continue this pattern. So I went to therapy
and my ex and I are friends, like in a
positive way, I would say, So that's why I was
babysitting with dogs, and my dog and his dog are dating,
(37:50):
so like, you know, we have to stay in touch.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
And are you do you would you say you have
a strong personality, like mild personality?
Speaker 1 (37:57):
How would you describe yourself?
Speaker 8 (37:59):
I would say I have been told him quite even Keel,
I used.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
To go out a lot.
Speaker 8 (38:03):
I kind of like, I live in Toronto, Canada, but
I'm building a house up north, like seven hours away,
kind of on the lake. So I do like coming
back to the city for you know, some excitement, but
then it's fucking nice to leave too.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Okay, so let's say three words to describe yourself. What
would you say?
Speaker 8 (38:19):
Okay, fun, adventurous and solid, amazing, and because this is
an audio medium, just to describe him.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
He's got a full head of hair, nice dark hair,
he's beefy, he's sexy. He's got a cute tank on
that I think he designed, right Patrick, I.
Speaker 4 (38:35):
Did for a Pride a couple of years ago. Yeah. That.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Yeah, I would have sex with you if you were straight.
So there you go. I think it is human of
sex with you. Of the endorsement we're looking for, and
he has a great laugh.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
But we should also say your location and also you
have a vacation home that sounds like which is great.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Which is a great way to get people in. That's
a great lure.
Speaker 4 (39:00):
I'm building. It's it's coming along. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (39:04):
I'm an artist and graphic designer and I have had
my own business the last eight nine years and it's
kind of mind blowing to myself even that I'm like
able to build a house but that's so cool.
Speaker 4 (39:15):
Here we go.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Yeah, and you are Toronto ish.
Speaker 8 (39:20):
Yeah, Toronto is It's where my clothes are. But I'm,
like I said, I'm kind of up north a lot
just to get out of the city, especially in the summer.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
It's fucking hot ast shit here. I didn't have time
to go get my.
Speaker 8 (39:30):
Ac before I got back here, so I'm like a
little bit damp at the moment.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
But thank you for not saying it's moist. I truly
appreciate it. But now I've said it so gross.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
Word.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
Well, I have three little dating game questions.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Oh yeah, okay, look, okay.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Just maybe we add some little game show music under
this baby if we want to get wild. Okay, So
our first question is our weekend plans have just gotten
rained out. What are we doing instead?
Speaker 4 (40:04):
We are watching movies and cookies?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Fucking fucking I'm sorry I had to answer that because
that's my answer.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
We're fucking pasta first.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
And then and then the fucking Yeah, we need some energy.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
That's fun fucking in the rain.
Speaker 4 (40:18):
Yeah, pasta from scratch, it's so much better.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yes, all right, if you found a fifty dollars bill
on the ground in a busy area. Would you keep
it or try to find the owner.
Speaker 4 (40:28):
I wouldn't try hard to find the owner, but if.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
You're that's exactly what I would say.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
I'd look around and then I'd be like, yeah, exactly,
give it to someone else or not think about it often.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
Yes, well he's honest, fellas.
Speaker 4 (40:43):
That's what you get from is it American? An American
fifty or Canadians?
Speaker 2 (40:47):
A water main broke and you got to leave work
three hours early, which sort of doesn't apply since you
work for yourself. But imagine what do you do with
your newly free time.
Speaker 4 (40:57):
We're taking the dog's dog only have one.
Speaker 8 (41:00):
We're taking the dog to the lake and hopefully there's
a beach involved, and we're going to bring snacks and
some Baga.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Sodas and yeah, don't forget your edibles.
Speaker 4 (41:08):
I will bring some just in case someone needs them.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
I should be an adult camp counselor as well. I should.
Speaker 3 (41:15):
Yeah, it has to be legal adult activity, so it
has to be with adults, maybe remedial adults, is.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
What I were side hustle. I can see it.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Yeah, I like it awesome. Well Patrick, if you want
to just read out your Instagram handle it.
Speaker 8 (41:29):
Sure, Patrick, Hunter Underscore Art is the insta where you
can find me and keep pictures of my dog and
all the artwork mostly pictures of my dog, but there
is some artwork on there.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Great and I will put that in the show notes
as well, so fellows can just click and check you
out and slide into the dams.
Speaker 4 (41:47):
All right, I can't wait.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Okay, I can't wait either.
Speaker 4 (41:52):
All Right, I'll let you know how it goes.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Okay by Patrick, Thank you, Patrick, over, and now we're
going to take a quick break. I will be right back.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
Well, we had some new and interesting things today, Chelsea,
remind me what they were. We had some matchmaking. Yes,
we had a couple of cotchmaking.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
This is where things are gonna really hit the fan.
I think things in a good way.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
I think there is going to be a lot of
matchmaking happening on this podcast, and now we're using and
especially to the people that we want to be happy exactly.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
We have so many amazing people writing in and I'm
really excited to feature some more matchmakings.
Speaker 3 (42:31):
You know, there's a great match would be a straight
woman comes on here and a straight man and they
end up being soul Bates. He's listening to Jaior Chelsea
and he comes and meets this woman talk about a
self actual life that would be like the most together
guy that I know.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
That is true.
Speaker 1 (42:48):
He's the most with it.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
And honestly, if he's single and he's listening to this podcast,
he has the pick of the litter because there's so
many straight women who listened to this podcast. Thanks so much,
this has been so much fun.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
Okay, we'll see you guys next week. My Okay, guys,
we have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch tour.
I added another second show in Toronto, so I have
two shows in Toronto now the December seventh, December eighth,
December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new shows at
December fifteenth, on a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty
and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's
(43:22):
in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows you can
buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com. I'm starting my
tour backup on September twenty ninth in New York City
at The Beacon, which is sold out, but the next
night there are tickets available. September thirtieth at the Beacon,
So for all fall dates, you can go to Chelsea
handler dot com.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
For tickets, you'll see me.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
feedback is in respect to a written question, and therefore
there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
(44:06):
just because you might hear something on the show that
sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
if that's important to you. If you or your partner
are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
(44:28):
have a safety plan that can be done with a
therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com
and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law,
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
dot com
Hi, Catherine.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Oh oh wow, you have a little party boomer. I
actually a little podcast party boomer.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Can I tell you why, Chelsea? We are finally going
to do some matchmaking.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh that's nice, callers, pay attention. Are these just for
gay people or is this for hetero heterogenerous heado generous couples?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
You know?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Here is the thing. When I finally dug into the emails,
I thought to myself, like, how am I going to
hook these people up?
Speaker 5 (00:32):
Right?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Because people are all over the country, all over the
world emailing in. Some people are gay, some people are straight,
et cetera. There are a lot of straight women that
wrote in. And I you know, we will do our
best for you ladies, but yes, it's going to be
more successful for gay guys.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Okay, well take whatever we can tell you. You know
what I mean. We have to help who we can help.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yes, But I thought what we'd do. I thought we
can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing and then we'll
let people side into their into an email that we
create for them. Cute, Chelsea, I have some updates from
some previous callers. Are you ready for this?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Okay, Well, this first one is from a recent piece
of advice that we gave Melanie. She was from an
episode that you and I had done together. Her airbnb
host was a little older, little sexy older man situation.
She was worried about putting the moves. Uh huh, She says,
I have a very happy update for you. After another
month of growing closer and getting flirty, my host finally
(01:31):
bit the bullet while we were on a hike.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Together, add sister. I love it.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Until me he'd like to be more than friends. Needless
to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been
such a chicken about making a move Since then, we
went on a first official date where he took me
to the movies and surprised me with roses. We finally
said everything we've been holding in, and things moved quickly.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Ever, I love that part or you tell each other
all the times you were about to say something and
you didn't, and then they tell you what they were thinking.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
That's the most exciting time of a reallyationship. It's the best.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
It's a very very beginning where you're just flirting and
like trying to like be on your best behavior.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
And like filling in the gaps from things that have
already happened, like here's where my head was at with that.
He treats me like absolute gold, and I'm stunned that
it's even possible to feel so adored by an emotionally
available man. I'm being showered with words of adoration and
we're already talking about finding ways for me to stay
here in New Zealand long term. It's a big adjustment.
(02:26):
Living in the same house and dating a much older
man is all new territory for me. But I'm more
than ready to heal all the dating app drama I
endured in my twenties. Thanks again for your encouragement and
all you do on this podcast. Hopefully I can provide
more happy updates soon. In gratitude a Melanie.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
And stay in New Zealand.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
That's a safe place for global warming too. They're saying
New Zealand US. All the bunkers are over there.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Are there?
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, they have a lot of millionaires and billionaires have
built like bunkers into the side of the mountains in
New Zealand, even though it's pretty much an island.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yeah, it doesn't have huge elevation but has protective rock
layering and there are hills and stuff. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
We have a friend who is a Kiwi and he
did COVID right. He decided to like leave his terrible
wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning
of COVID, and he was like, I got there. You
have to quarantine for two weeks, right, so they put
you up. The government put you up in a nice
hotel on the beach and one hour a day they
would like have someone follow you for your like romantic
(03:26):
walk on the beach so you could have some outdoors time.
And then they give you like steak dinners every night
for two weeks, all on the government. I was like,
good job New Zealand.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
For when you were stressed out.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he
had to quarantine because they only let.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yeah that is nice.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yes, I'm having dinner with my friends tonight and he
just texted me, do you want sushi or steak?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I'm like sushi.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I don't want steak any early.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
I don't know even when my bell gets steak for
the house. I look at it now and I'm just
so disgusted. I can't even eat it. I can eat
a burger, but steak itself starting to get really grossed
out by I know.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Sometimes you do just get the ick like I sometimes
we'll get the ick for chicken for like two years ago.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had that about salmon, and now
I'm down, deep down, I'm upriver with salmon.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I love salmon.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
You know why.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I also like salmon because bears love salmon, and I
love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon. Do you
watch YouTube videos or it's just like your canon stadium?
Oh yeah, I watch are bears and fat fat babies?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Oh yes, I love both of those things.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
It's amazing how a lot of people do not like
fat babies because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends
and a lot of them are like, stop sending us this.
They're like, this is gross. I'm like what, I think
it's beautiful. I mean, when is the time to be
a fatty unless.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
It's absolutely easiest time to do it?
Speaker 1 (04:46):
See?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
My thing right now is just like dogs that are
howling or like singing quote unquote, and people will write
these like jazz tunes underneath them, and it cracks me
up every single time. I just absolutely love it. Dog
humor is pretty solid, solid, It's solid.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
On that note, we're gonna take a quick break and
will be right back, and we're back.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
We are well, h says dear Chelsea. I'm an almost
thirty three year old woman living alone in a major
city in Washington State, which I recently relocated to to
be closer to certain members of my family. My relationship
with my mother has gotten a little bit better in
recent years as both of us have been going to therapy,
but still honestly has quite a ways to go. I
(05:32):
love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful
person underneath it all. My mom has never liked any
person I've ever introduced her to, whether they were romantic
or a friend. She always seems to see the worst
in people, even when they've never given her any reason
to be suspicious or wary. In all my adult life,
I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is,
(05:52):
and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life
choices roll off my back like water off a ducts back,
as you like to say. Periods of time in which
I've gone low contact or given her a strict information
diet to preserve my joy and protect myself from her
unsolicited opinions. But I've also tried to do right by
her and make her proud. I've been dating my boyfriend
(06:13):
for a few months, and recently it felt like a
good time to casually introduce him to some of my people,
my folks included. I felt that it all went well.
All of my friends absolutely loved him, and the meeting
with my folks seemed very chill and cordial. Then a
week after that, my mom expressed significant concern. She said
that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that she feels he
(06:35):
is potentially dangerous, and has a gut feeling that he's
bad news. I maintained my composure to hear her out,
but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude
or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way.
She said no, it was just her intuition exactly. I
feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look.
He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in
(06:57):
his youth and looks a bit rough around the edge.
I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them,
and honestly find it very hot that he has his
own style. He's in touch with himself, and I find
his look very attractive. He's a wonderful man who treats
me better than I've ever been treated, and is much
softer on the inside than he looks on the outside. However,
I truly value intuition. Do I put stock in hers
(07:20):
or trust my own? Sincerely?
Speaker 6 (07:22):
H Hi, h Hi, Chelsea, Hi Catherine, So great to
meet you.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Is that a cabbage patch kid behind you in that window?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
So some weird dull?
Speaker 6 (07:32):
Yeah, I'm a nanny, so there's all sorts of kid.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Oh oh, I see copy of that.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yes, we are catching her during nap time.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
So it sounds like you have a long history of
this dynamic in your relationship, right, that she's been pulling
this shit for years and years.
Speaker 6 (07:45):
Yeah, and to the point where I want to honor
her perspective and I want to always consider if there
may be is some truth to any of her complaints,
you know, But when I really think about it, I
just can't quite figure out what her deal is, why
there's consistently a problem.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
And has her intuition been right before?
Speaker 6 (08:05):
Not really, I mean, not in anything else. I mean,
she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't
last forever. But that was my choice and a good one.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But that's more factual, that's not intuitive, right, that's what happened.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Happened.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
I would put a lot less value in what her
intuition is telling her. There is a nice way to
say this to her, though, because you have a great
opportunity because you just said all of these things that
make your boyfriend or I don't know if you're calling
him that yet, are you calling him your boyfriend? Okay,
your boyfriend like shady kind of characteristics like he's missing
a couple of teeth, or what people would frame as
(08:40):
rough around the edges as you mentioned like that, right,
I think that's really open minded of you that that
doesn't bother you. That's a great place to start to say,
to just engage in this conversation and go, you know,
while I can understand for this, this and this reasons
that might have made you uncomfortable, but I don't really
look at those things as you know, I think those
are characteristic of who he is, not as character flaws,
(09:04):
you know, And you can use your own language to
say all of this, but it's a great opportunity to
a be soft and gentle honor her intuition, and also
let her know it's really no longer welcome. You're a
woman now. You don't need her opinion, you don't need
her approval. She's not even proven herself to be good
at listening to her intuition. These are judgments, not intuitiveness.
(09:28):
You know, judgment and intuition are two different things.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
So yeah, well, thank you for clarifying, because that's kind
of where I was trying to draw the line as well,
where it's like, if it actually felt like intuition, if
it was coming from a best friend who actually knows
me really really well.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Or has a track record of steering you in the
right direction.
Speaker 6 (09:48):
Then I would be taking it super seriously. But with her,
it's like, now, I think that's just a nice word
for judgment.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
For me, it's a big green flag to me that
all your friends really really liked him, and that you
know he got along with the rest of your people.
And I think you know you have this track record
with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends,
she doesn't like whoever you bring home. I think you
mentioned she loves everybody your sister brings home.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
M M.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Of course, when you just gotta feel amazing. But you mentioned,
you know, wanting to do right by her and make
her proud, and I think for me, especially, like that's
something I carry with me all the time that I'm
working on. Dismantling in my thirties is just like being
okay with sort of disappointing my parents and in ways
that are sort of large and small, and often you know,
(10:33):
the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it
was going to be in in previous years. And you know,
like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her reminding her,
don't judge a book by its cover. That's not what
I'm doing. And I'd love to see him prove you wrong.
And you know, whether or not we stay together for
the long haul. I think he's a great person and
would love for you to get to know him better.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
Right, So would you both say that would you recommend
that I wait to have that conversation with her and
then kind of feel out how any future meetings between
them might go, because I I don't want to completely
bar him from any part of my family life just
because she's going to get pissy.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
But I also don't want to.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction
to this because it doesn't sound like you've had this
conversation with her before.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
Correct not on this subject, but I have essentially said
very similar things to her opinions about either my school
or my career or my this or my you know whatever.
So just different topic, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
We'll use this topic, and trying to like just change
the approach, even just slightly different, so that it's memorable
for both of you in a positive way, because I
think you don't seem like an angry person. But get
rid of any anger.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
Or accusation, okay, because even calling out her judgment is
really her accusing him of being something that she has
no proof to bear witness of. So I think you're
gonna look at this and you're gonna be proud of yourself.
And it cannot be understated to every single person who's
listening today. When you act and courage and you stand
up to something that bothers you in a loving way,
(12:12):
it's like you evolve to the next level of being
a human being because you won't ever have to struggle
with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every
minute that you spend thinking about it and executing it
in the like, in your highest vibe and really getting
the message across to your mother in a loving way.
And I guarantee you will be You will be very
surprised by the response, because I don't think you're gonna
(12:35):
have to worry about when to schedule after even if
she gets mad, Initially, she's going to come down and
think about what happened, and she's going to know that
she wants to see you.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
That's going to be, you know, a double thing, and
she's going to want.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
To prove to you that she's not judgmental and that
her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will
be wanting to spend time with you. And that's not
to say that her intuition is right, but that will
be her motivation, do.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Because you came at her at a different level, and
then that requires a different response. You can't mingle the
same way when you're doing it differently.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah, and you know you've learned this lesson not to
judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy,
he seems really great, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet.
So coming at her with a sort of like you
don't have to say this to her, but in your
mind being like aw, like she has she's not quite
there yet, you're encouraging her like maybe just have an
open mind. I really like him, and maybe you'll you'll
have a different opinion down the road, and then like
(13:26):
leaving it at that. I think whether to like talk
to her about it or shoot her a text is
dependent on like how sort of activated you think that
you will be. Do you feel like you can have
this conversation with her in person and not get upset
with her, or do you think maybe shoot her a text.
Speaker 6 (13:42):
At some point, I feel like I can as long
as things haven't been like getting inflammatory earlier on that
you know, hang out or conversation. But she is in
town actually for the next couple of days, so I've
just been kind of keeping things neutral around a little
bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and
(14:03):
just shooting the breeze, not really bringing it up, just
trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel
like if the opportunity presents itself and makes sense, then
I might go for it, and if not, then I
might just wait a little bit longer and maybe add
something like that into a text the next time that
(14:25):
I'm going to be in her orbit.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
And also, you know, the more that you do bring
him around, the less of sort of a shock his
appearance will be. Like when you get to know someone,
their appearance in a weird way sort of fades away.
You don't notice these sort of really specific things about
them that you might have noticed so much in the beginning.
So you know, I would definitely encourage you to like
keep bringing him around.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Awesome, we'll do cool.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And also will you text us a picture of him too,
or like the two of you together?
Speaker 4 (14:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (14:52):
Absolutely, it's going to be from a rocky horror picture show.
So we're going to look all sorts of interesting.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Love it perfect, good life.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Thank you so much, Age.
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Thank you so much, both of you. Love your show
so much.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Good luck with the babies.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
Have a great day, you too. I bye.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
My mom by the way, who was about to be
in town. Every time she comes, she's like, do you
have any tattoos? No, Mom, I still don't have any tattoos.
That's like her greatest fear.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
For it is that's fun.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
Nice.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Oh my nieces have tattoos. They do have tattoos. I
don't have any, but they do.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Well, you can still be buried in Jewish cemetery then.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, right, well, yes, I hope they put me on fire, though,
set me on fire and tossed me into the ocean.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
I hope they tossed me into the mouth of an anaconda.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
That sounds wonderful, actually, well. Our next caller is Christina
Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty three and my boyfriend is forty six.
We both currently live in California. We dated for six months,
then he abruptly ended things. I was completely caught off
guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my
dad and my grandmother died on the same day coincidentally,
(16:02):
and my uncle died on my birthday a few months later, so,
needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup.
Six months went by and we ended up reconnecting and
have since been together almost a year now. His father
died a few months ago, and he's dealt with mental
health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants.
We truly love each other and spending time together. However,
(16:22):
I'm at a place where I want to know what
he wants for the future. Anytime I bring that up,
he gets uncomfortable and frustrated, and he says he has
to figure himself out first. My question is am I
wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out
and wait for him to figure out what he wants marriage,
family or bachelor life, etc. And also is he too
(16:42):
old for me? Thanks? Christina?
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Hi Christina, Hello, Hi telse me, I would say that
it sounds.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Like you should probably move on. Oh man, Yeah. I
don't think that.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Neither of these things are issues singular, but I think
collectively they become some issue. Like I don't care about
the age difference, but somebody at that age who's still
not ready to figure out what his life goals are,
it doesn't make sense. That's too old, Like you should
at least have your feet underneath you enough to say
yay or nay, because that can just be him stringing
you along until you give him an ultimatum. You know,
(17:18):
maybe that's what it is either way, or if it's
genuinely he doesn't know either way not hot, those aren't
hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good
for you.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And then on the.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Other side of it, like the breakup that you had
and then you getting over it. Obviously you had other
things to go, but like that's proof that you got
past him once.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Like I have no.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
Problem imagining you getting over him again. Yeah, so that's
a positive thing to think about. You don't need three
people to die for that to happen either, Like you
can get over him, you know it's possible. And I
just don't think, especially when you've broken up with someone
and you got back together, that there's any room if
(17:59):
one of if you wants to be in this for
the long haul. There's no room for Like I don't know,
you were just in a relationship, you broke up because
it didn't work out, and now you're back together. You're
not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're
back together to stay together, or you're back together and
it's whoopsie doodle, it's time to break up again.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
Yeah. I agree.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
The year mark feels like I mean, first of all,
as Chelsea said, his age, like it does sort of
feel like I have forty six. You should kind of
know what you want from life enough.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
To know if you want to be with someone that
you that you've been intimate and in a long term relationship.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
With absolutely and make a future together.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
What's the wishy washy that's so unattractive?
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three
months and he's not sure if he wants like marriage
and kids with you. You've been together on and off
for a year and a half.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
Yeah, And I joke because the only reason that we
really got back together this last time, I blame it
on my dog because my dog had an emergency one
night and he was like the first person that I called,
and so he was there right away. But if it
really weren't for that, it's kind of like I've put
in the effort.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
And you initiated the get back together then, like that
was you. So that's another reason that you should probably
move on. This doesn't sound like a him and you
relationship of fifty to fifty. It sounds like you making
the moves and him like okay or maybe not.
Speaker 7 (19:23):
I hate to say it, but I'm thirty three and
so I kind of want some answers, and you know,
it would just make me feel better to know what's
going to happen in a way, even though that might
not even work out.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
So yeah, I mean, you could present it in a
very direct, upfront way that's like doesn't give a lot
of room for figuring it out. Like, hey, buddy, I'm
kind of getting the sense that you're not down for
what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement
for you to be with me or for me to
be with you. But if you're not ready for that
and you can't commit to like a future together, then
I'm more interested in finding somebody who will.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And you know, no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
At all, Chelsea, You've given this type of advice before,
but that conversation like may include a breakup, maybe not
right at that moment in that conversation, but shortly thereafter.
And you know, sometimes when you do cap that with
a breakup of like, okay, then I do need to
move on. Like two weeks later, they're right back, like
knock on your door, Like, no, I figured it out.
(20:17):
I do want marriage and family and a kid's yeah.
Speaker 7 (20:19):
That is true, And I kind of have given him
a little bit more grease because, like I put in
the letter, you know, his dad passed away and so
he's been my depressant and that can have obviously a
big effect on lot.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
What everyone's dad passes away. It's not an excuse. It's
something to be sensitive about, but it's not the end
of the world. Everybody is dealing with that at some
point in their lives.
Speaker 7 (20:41):
Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
How important I mean, obviously you wouldn't be writing in
if it wasn't. But what's your trajectory as far as
I feel like I want to be getting married and
having kids, like sooner rather than later? Is it deal
breaker level for you? Where are you at on that?
Speaker 7 (20:56):
You know, I'm not in a super rushed I want
it to be their right situation. Otherwise I don't want
to do it at all. But I want to be
with someone that at least kind of wants the same
things and the future. So he doesn't really think that
he knows, and so I'm just like, how long is
it going to take for him to figure that out?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
You know?
Speaker 7 (21:18):
And then I'm getting older and so I just, you know,
would like to have some sort of certainty in a way.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
I think, Yeah, you sound very confident when you're talking
to us about this, and I would encourage you to
take that into your conversation with him, like leave the
koy stuff behind, Like Chelsea said, be super direct and
be like, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm
looking for in my five year plan whatever you know,
quote unquote, but this is what I'm looking for in
the near future. Is that something you want as well?
(21:45):
And I know is okay?
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (21:47):
And the reason I brought up the age things because
sometimes when I do come at him direct, it's almost
like he can kind of talk back to me in
a way where he acts like he is older than
me and those more what he does. But I'm feeling
like that's becoming more of an issue.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Well, and you're not twenty three, yeah, you're thirty three.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
And another thing to remember is, you know, when you
are breaking up with someone, like to not think about
what you're losing, but to think about the adventures that
you're about to embark on.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Like there's so much coming up for you.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
When you say goodbye to a situation, it doesn't matter
if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. You're
like up for new stuff all the time happening. You
need to focus on that when you're breaking up instead
of women who focus on I'm gonna be alone, I'm
gonna be alone, I'm gonna be loon.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I'm gonna miss them, I'm gonn miss him.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
You're gonna be with yourself and you're gonna have a
good time, and you're gonna go out with your friends
and family and whatever makes you happy. And if you
want to stay in bed for three days, you're also
gonna be able to do that. But it's not the
end of the world for any of us. As we're learning,
relationships are an opportunity to do it the right way.
When you're leaving someone, do it with style and grace
(22:54):
and no anger and be like, all right, party on,
you know. And if you guys end up back together, great,
and if you don't even better.
Speaker 7 (23:02):
Yeah, that is true. And it's sometimes hard to make
that decision. I mean, like I was thinking about it,
is it harder to break up with someone or to
be broken up with?
Speaker 2 (23:11):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (23:11):
The age old question. I don't know.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
I think I prefer to be broken up with, yes
for that, but I need until I don't until I'm
broken up with and then I won't like it at all.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
When are you gonna have this conversation with him? You think, Well,
I did tell.
Speaker 7 (23:29):
Him that I was going to be talking to you guys,
and so he was joking and he said, well great,
He's like none, I'm gonna have to say she talked
to Chelsea Handler, and now she broke up with me
because Chelsea talk.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah, that is already a thing. I think that's out there.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Man. I can't go anywhere alone with men. I need
security at all times. Men hate me so much.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Well tell him we actually said, or get off the pot.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Just say Chelsea said.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
This doesn't have to be an angry or a combative conversation.
She just thinks we should both be as completely.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Honest as possible.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
And if his honesty is that he really doesn't know,
then you have to find somebody who does know.
Speaker 7 (24:06):
Yeah, And I mean the tough part about it is
that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way, so
it's hard to differentiate the two of those. You know, logically,
this makes sense, but then emotionally it's like we do
love each other. So to make that decision is tough
because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I
know of.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
But yeah, well give us an update as soon as
you have a conversation with him. And then also like
when you kind of figure out what's next for you,
or if he decides to man up and wants the
same future as you do.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
And emotions like you're talking about practicality or practical things,
And emotions like emotions aren't thought, they are feelings, you know.
It's what you do with that feeling that becomes the
thought of your emotion. So while you could be missing
somebody and grieving them, you can still be excited about
the possibilities beyond that relationship.
Speaker 7 (24:56):
Yeah, that is true. Well, yes, I'll keep you guys posted.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (25:01):
My mom got tickets to your show in October and
DC so fun.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Okay, cool, I'll see her then. Thanks so much.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Christina, thank you guys so much.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
Ye.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
I guess she's adorable. She's so sweet. Well, Chelsea, we
have our calling in backup segment today and I want
to say thanks to our partners at Betterhelp Response.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Right, Yes, thank you Better Help.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
And today we're joined by Courtney Cope. They're a licensed
marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at
Better Help. Hi Courtney, Hello there, Well, our first question
comes from and dear Chelsea. Within the past six months,
I've had a resurgence of self care and a new
outlook on health and fitness. I've been exercising and eating healthy,
(25:47):
and for the first time ever, I'm seeing health and
fitness as an act of self love and nourishment rather
than trying to change my body or punish myself. My
best friend is at a really low point in her life.
She previously struggled with sorted eating and exercising and all
around is just not in a place in her life
where she's ready to get back into it, which I
fully respect. Here's the thing. We have a previous history
(26:09):
of using each other as excuses to go out and
get hammered and not take care of ourselves, and I'm
outgrowing that need. My struggle is that I'm very determined
and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing my lifestyle,
and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a
workout class or not drink so much when we go out,
she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously.
(26:29):
I've tried to get her to join my workout classes
with me, but she's not at a place where she
can afford a gym membership either. Whenever she suggests going
somewhere to eat, I want to bring up that, yes,
I'd love to, but I'm trying to eat healthier and
would rather just eat the food I have at home.
But I worry about triggering her ed or making her
feel bad about herself when it's really not about her
at all. How can I make it clear that this
(26:51):
isn't just a phase, this is just something I'm really
trying to accomplish and I'm loving. How can I get
her to take me seriously and see that this is
self love without triggering her and making her feel bad
for where she's at in life? Is it possible? Am
I in the wrong? Thanks so much for all you do.
Speaker 5 (27:06):
And this is such a layered question. And the thing
that came to mind was the concept of seasonality in
friendships and how sometimes there are seasons where we're in
step and we're doing all the same things. We're going
to the same place, as we're listening to the same music,
we have the same hobbies. And then there are seasons
where we begin to kind of diversify our interests, or
(27:27):
it changes, our circumstance changes, maybe we move away, maybe
we get a different job, all these kinds of things.
So what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a
slightly different season potentially than her friend. And I just
want to first of all, reassure the listener above all,
this type of experience is totally common and super normal
for friendships.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah, and I also think there's a way to sort
of get the train on your tracks. So, you know,
if you don't want to go out and you do
want to eat the food you have at home, invite
her over, you know, invite her over for whatever healthy
things you want to make and whatever healthy drink you
want to drink if you're drinking. But there's also ways
to find a restaurant that has really healthy options.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
And also just try not to shove it down her
throat so much like you're making it seems like you're
making a lot of proclamations about what you're doing. Is
sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without advertising them.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I think that's a very good point.
Speaker 5 (28:21):
Right, like, let your actions speak for yourself, because I
did hear you know, the question was what do I
do so that she doesn't, you know, feel bad or
she might question and it's like, well, if you're just
doing it right, no, if sands orbut's about it it's
really hard for people to make comments about it or
you know, be upset that you're doing It's like, you're
just out there doing it.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Chelsea, what do you think about? You know? She mentions
that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort
of blows it off. That to me feels like a
little bit of an insecurity thing.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
Well, it just feels like another reason to stop making proclamations.
She's not taking you seriously. You can't make someone take
you seriously by repeating what they're not taking you seriously about.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
So keep it to yourself. I know you want it
to be a long term thing.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
It's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and
then you don't quit. You know, it's like the dynamic
if you don't stick to this. Of course you want
to stick to this, you want to make lifestyle changes,
but give it a year and when those changes are permanent,
then you could start espousing your you know what happened
and everything. But it's easy to not take someone seriously
when they're into something new. So I wouldn't even put
that on her friend so much. I would just like,
(29:24):
unless it's mean or whatever, she's not in that situation.
So of course she doesn't want you drinking less and dieting.
That's not fun for her. So I wouldn't put too
much weight on it. I would just say do your thing,
and if she could come along with you for some
of that, great, And you know, if you take some
time apart during this time, that's also fun.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
Right.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
That's a total typical part of adult relationships. And even
just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend
and not even bring some of these things into the mix,
just plan things like events that are not food related,
so going to a museum, go to the movies, go
roller skating, or go on a but like bring your
own food and instead of like, oh, we'll go out
(30:03):
and we'll find a place, like focusing on things that
will allow you to have parallel play, enjoy the activity
you're doing without making it about going out, drinking alcohol,
indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to
kindle that friendship and keep it intimate.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Because that's the other thing I hear is there is.
Speaker 5 (30:21):
An aspect of worrying of losing this friendship or them
becoming more distant because they used to go out and
use each other. She says, we use each other for
excuses to like make unhealthy habits and go out drinking.
So if you just transition your friendship to we find
meaning doing these other things, now, that allows it to
be more of an easeful transition.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Yeah, and I like that suggestion because it's not like, hey,
why don't we go for a hike. It's like let's
go to a museum, which is like still active, but
it's not like, hey, we're going to go for a run,
or we're going to go to a spin class or whatever.
I feel like usually the advice is to sort of
be really honest and open and confront the person, but
in this case that's not necessary and in fact, like
taking it a notch back.
Speaker 5 (31:03):
I would say the only caveat to potentially having a
conversation with your friend is, you know, she does mention
triggering her friend's disordered eating, and so if that is
a true concern and she wants to make sure she
doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment,
she could ahead of time just say something casual like hey,
(31:25):
you know, before they're together, text her give her a
calicy like hey, is now a time for me to
talk about something important. Great, So I just want to
let you know that I am making some changes in
my life, and I just want to make sure that
these changes because I know we've bonded in the past
over going out drinking and you know, maybe making some
choices that we were like, oh, that wasn't the healthiest
(31:46):
choice for us. I'm just going to be making different choices,
and I just want to give you a heads up
because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship, and
I want to make sure we're finding fun things to
do moving forward. That would be my caveat if she
genuinely is concerned about figuring her friend, But otherwise, I
think it's totally fine to just live your life exactly
what Chelsea was saying, like, live your life, go out,
(32:08):
be about it, don't talk about it, and then if
conflict arises down the road or her friend's like, how
come you're not going out with me anymore? Or how
come you know you keep turning me down, then you
can have a conversation about it, because then that's really
about the connection of the friendship versus the actual food
or drinks that they're consuming.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Yeah, for sure, and thank you for writing in and
of course thank you to our calling him back up
sponsor Better Help, and to Courtney Cope, who is a
licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager
at Betterhelp.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Thank you, Thanks Cortney. Bye bye bye.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with
some matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Can you please not saying matchmaking? Can you please not?
Speaker 3 (32:54):
We'll be right back. We're back with matchmaking. That's how
we're saying it, matchmaking. Every time you saying matchmaking, two
three hard boiled eggs fly out of your mouth.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Well, Chelsea, we're here with our first matchmaking folks candidate.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
So he wants to be hooked up this guy?
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Yes, okay, And you know, we had talked about doing
an episode about this, but I thought we could potentially
make this a recurring segment so we can match make
more people. I mean, I'm over here just like dreaming
of all the love that's going to happen, and like
hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things.
So I'm way down in the future. I'm picking out
curtains for everybody.
Speaker 8 (33:41):
Also, that might be tough with all the game and
you're going to connect they can adapt.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
By the way, in speaking of matchmaking, there's a bunch
of child Free and Crushing Its shirts available on our website.
In addition to Dear Chelsea Merch, we designed a child
Free and Crushing Its shirt which has been our biggest
tour seller.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
So I'm sure some of the callers would like that.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
That's amazing. I love that, Chelseahandler dot com. Well, our
first person to match is Patrick, and I thought how
we'd go about this is we are going to at
the end of this give people his Instagram so people
can slide right into his DMS. If Patrick sounds like
someone you might be interested in. Patrick. By the way,
(34:21):
when I first chatted with him, he was at his
ex's house walking his ex'es jog and he said, I
know you just had an episode saying don't do that anymore?
Speaker 1 (34:31):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
It depends on the situation, but it seems like it
was a positive, so he says. I recently wrote in
an email to say every time I felt like I
needed to write in, I've listened to your podcast and
found my answer to highly specific situations from wanting to
fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing should
I buy a car, or if I should buy land
(34:53):
or make a career move. Your podcast has steered me
in the best direction. Nowadays. Everything in my life is
going pretty fucking swimmingly. I'm a successful visual artist, not
the starving kind, an uncle, a great friend, fucking funny,
and I'm a sweet ass dog dad. But the right
guy just hasn't come along. I've got my shit together
therapy wise, and I'm definitely of the same mindset as
(35:15):
you when you say when you're healthy, you'll attract healthy.
I'm on the apps, I've gone on dates, and it's
been a healthy amount of time since I've had a relationship.
But I think the universe was waiting for our paths
to align so that Chelsea can just say, oh fuck,
let's set this bitch up with someone. Perfect problem solved. PS.
I'm thirty four, gay, af and first nation which is
Native American to you, XO Patrick, and Patrick is going
(35:38):
to be joining us. Hi.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
How are you? Hi?
Speaker 4 (35:42):
I'm so good. I'm just going to put this on
to not disturb.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Good luck getting it off of that. So what kind
of guy are you looking for? Patrick?
Speaker 3 (35:50):
What interests you are you open? Do you have a
very specific expectations.
Speaker 8 (35:55):
Tell us I'm quite broad and tall, so I think
someone like a little bit more broad and tall like myself.
I am half Native American and I can't grow a beard,
so someone that has a beard, you know, chest hair
two would be sick.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Are you a top or a bottom? Does that matter?
Speaker 4 (36:15):
I'm like a little bit both.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Oh, yourse your worse. Yeah, I wanted to use that
in a sentence for a while. You're welcome, Thank you Patrick.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
I know I've told Chelsea that you were walking your
excess dog when we met.
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
What's your relationship history? How many relationships have you had
and how for how long?
Speaker 8 (36:32):
Well, I'm thirty four, i am going to be thirty
five this year, and I've had maybe like five relationships
since I was like twenty, you know, one for like
a couple of years, one for a year, one for
like six months.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
And then like one night stands and fine in between.
Speaker 4 (36:50):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
And have you ever had a really really bad breakup?
Speaker 4 (36:55):
Yeah? It was. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (36:57):
I think like the first ones when you're really young,
you kind of I don't really know how to react,
and especially being a gay person that came out at twenty,
like straight people always have years ahead of us in
terms of like being able to date people for like
since they were you know, kind of kids.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
So I just didn't have the right kind of foundation
to deal with it. But that was like twelve years ago.
I'm good.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Now, Yeah that's good.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
And have you been to therapy? Are you do you
go to therapy? Are you into any of that?
Speaker 4 (37:25):
Yeah? Totally.
Speaker 8 (37:26):
The last one, I was like, okay, so I have
a pattern of just breaking up with dudes and just
kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting.
And I was like, you know what, these are all
great people like I kind of I don't want to
kind of continue this pattern. So I went to therapy
and my ex and I are friends, like in a
positive way, I would say, So that's why I was
babysitting with dogs, and my dog and his dog are dating,
(37:50):
so like, you know, we have to stay in touch.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
And are you do you would you say you have
a strong personality, like mild personality?
Speaker 1 (37:57):
How would you describe yourself?
Speaker 8 (37:59):
I would say I have been told him quite even Keel,
I used.
Speaker 4 (38:03):
To go out a lot.
Speaker 8 (38:03):
I kind of like, I live in Toronto, Canada, but
I'm building a house up north, like seven hours away,
kind of on the lake. So I do like coming
back to the city for you know, some excitement, but
then it's fucking nice to leave too.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Okay, so let's say three words to describe yourself. What
would you say?
Speaker 8 (38:19):
Okay, fun, adventurous and solid, amazing, and because this is
an audio medium, just to describe him.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
He's got a full head of hair, nice dark hair,
he's beefy, he's sexy. He's got a cute tank on
that I think he designed, right Patrick, I.
Speaker 4 (38:35):
Did for a Pride a couple of years ago. Yeah. That.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Yeah, I would have sex with you if you were straight.
So there you go. I think it is human of
sex with you. Of the endorsement we're looking for, and
he has a great laugh.
Speaker 2 (38:50):
But we should also say your location and also you
have a vacation home that sounds like which is great.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Which is a great way to get people in. That's
a great lure.
Speaker 4 (39:00):
I'm building. It's it's coming along. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (39:04):
I'm an artist and graphic designer and I have had
my own business the last eight nine years and it's
kind of mind blowing to myself even that I'm like
able to build a house but that's so cool.
Speaker 4 (39:15):
Here we go.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
Yeah, and you are Toronto ish.
Speaker 8 (39:20):
Yeah, Toronto is It's where my clothes are. But I'm,
like I said, I'm kind of up north a lot
just to get out of the city, especially in the summer.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
It's fucking hot ast shit here. I didn't have time
to go get my.
Speaker 8 (39:30):
Ac before I got back here, so I'm like a
little bit damp at the moment.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
But thank you for not saying it's moist. I truly
appreciate it. But now I've said it so gross.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
Word.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
Well, I have three little dating game questions.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Oh yeah, okay, look, okay.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Just maybe we add some little game show music under
this baby if we want to get wild. Okay, So
our first question is our weekend plans have just gotten
rained out. What are we doing instead?
Speaker 4 (40:04):
We are watching movies and cookies?
Speaker 3 (40:08):
Fucking fucking I'm sorry I had to answer that because
that's my answer.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
We're fucking pasta first.
Speaker 4 (40:14):
And then and then the fucking Yeah, we need some energy.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
That's fun fucking in the rain.
Speaker 4 (40:18):
Yeah, pasta from scratch, it's so much better.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yes, all right, if you found a fifty dollars bill
on the ground in a busy area. Would you keep
it or try to find the owner.
Speaker 4 (40:28):
I wouldn't try hard to find the owner, but if.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
You're that's exactly what I would say.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
I'd look around and then I'd be like, yeah, exactly,
give it to someone else or not think about it often.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
Yes, well he's honest, fellas.
Speaker 4 (40:43):
That's what you get from is it American? An American
fifty or Canadians?
Speaker 2 (40:47):
A water main broke and you got to leave work
three hours early, which sort of doesn't apply since you
work for yourself. But imagine what do you do with
your newly free time.
Speaker 4 (40:57):
We're taking the dog's dog only have one.
Speaker 8 (41:00):
We're taking the dog to the lake and hopefully there's
a beach involved, and we're going to bring snacks and
some Baga.
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Sodas and yeah, don't forget your edibles.
Speaker 4 (41:08):
I will bring some just in case someone needs them.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
I should be an adult camp counselor as well. I should.
Speaker 3 (41:15):
Yeah, it has to be legal adult activity, so it
has to be with adults, maybe remedial adults, is.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
What I were side hustle. I can see it.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Yeah, I like it awesome. Well Patrick, if you want
to just read out your Instagram handle it.
Speaker 8 (41:29):
Sure, Patrick, Hunter Underscore Art is the insta where you
can find me and keep pictures of my dog and
all the artwork mostly pictures of my dog, but there
is some artwork on there.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Great and I will put that in the show notes
as well, so fellows can just click and check you
out and slide into the dams.
Speaker 4 (41:47):
All right, I can't wait.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Okay, I can't wait either.
Speaker 4 (41:52):
All Right, I'll let you know how it goes.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Okay by Patrick, Thank you, Patrick, over, and now we're
going to take a quick break. I will be right back.
Speaker 2 (42:05):
Well, we had some new and interesting things today, Chelsea,
remind me what they were. We had some matchmaking. Yes,
we had a couple of cotchmaking.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
This is where things are gonna really hit the fan.
I think things in a good way.
Speaker 3 (42:17):
I think there is going to be a lot of
matchmaking happening on this podcast, and now we're using and
especially to the people that we want to be happy exactly.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
We have so many amazing people writing in and I'm
really excited to feature some more matchmakings.
Speaker 3 (42:31):
You know, there's a great match would be a straight
woman comes on here and a straight man and they
end up being soul Bates. He's listening to Jaior Chelsea
and he comes and meets this woman talk about a
self actual life that would be like the most together
guy that I know.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
That is true.
Speaker 1 (42:48):
He's the most with it.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
And honestly, if he's single and he's listening to this podcast,
he has the pick of the litter because there's so
many straight women who listened to this podcast. Thanks so much,
this has been so much fun.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
Okay, we'll see you guys next week. My Okay, guys,
we have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch tour.
I added another second show in Toronto, so I have
two shows in Toronto now the December seventh, December eighth,
December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new shows at
December fifteenth, on a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty
and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's
(43:22):
in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows you can
buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com. I'm starting my
tour backup on September twenty ninth in New York City
at The Beacon, which is sold out, but the next
night there are tickets available. September thirtieth at the Beacon,
So for all fall dates, you can go to Chelsea
handler dot com.
Speaker 1 (43:41):
For tickets, you'll see me.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
feedback is in respect to a written question, and therefore
there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
(44:06):
just because you might hear something on the show that
sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
if that's important to you. If you or your partner
are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
(44:28):
have a safety plan that can be done with a
therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com
and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law,
and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.