Time to Give Your Family the Boot

A girlfriend wants to know if her boyfriend’s second DUI is a relationship dealbreaker.  A 21-year-old wonders if marriage is the solution after feeling judged about her live-in partner.  And a couple moves home from abroad to find their family has become outwardly racist, grappling with the decision to keep their child away from them for good. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh God, welcome to summer. Huh, summer is we are
in the thick of it. I love it. I love it.
I love it. I love it. I love it. I've
had so much fun this summer between work and vacation
and then work and the vacation and then work. And
I will be in Canada performing at the Great Outdoors
Comedy Festival in Edmonton on August, so tickets are available

(00:23):
for that. There's just so many exciting things happening. I mean,
this has been turned into a jam packed summer. People
really want to be out. People are horny. I always
loved summer, but now I just like when summer wraps
up because that means ski season is on the approach. Well,
you know what the problem with summer now is is
that it's too hot everywhere because the planet is melting

(00:44):
and I can't even imagine what it's like for people
who don't have air conditioning. My friends went through that
heat wave in Vancouver and they were like dying and
it was like, I mean, they would Marco Polo me
and they would look like they were passing away. I'm like,
are you guys serious about this heat? But I didn't
take into consideration and what that must be like without
a c well, their bodies aren't acclimated to that sort
of temperature increase. No, no, no, So yeah, it's only

(01:08):
going to get worse and worse. But I did read
something interesting about heat domes. So heat domes are part
of what makes you know, it's just like a heat wave,
what creates a heat wave. But yet that's exacerbated by
global warming and climate change. So while we have these
weather patterns, you know, it's not like global warming. It's
a it's a product of all of it, right, and

(01:29):
it's or no, maybe I said that wrong. I say
so many things wrong. I don't even know what's up anymore,
sideways upside down from behind. Sorry anyway, you know what
I'm saying. It's hot, you know, and I think we
can all agree it's too hot. It's not pleasant at all.
You know, it's just no one's going to take it seriously,
these older politicians, because they love the heat. I mean,
they want to sweat through every layer of clothing they wear.

(01:52):
But it's like mosquitoes are everywhere now. So you go
over to someone's house in the valley and you can't
you come back and you're eating alive. It's just like,
why are there There were never mosquitoes in California, not
that I picked up on. That was an East coast
thing because of the humidity, and now it's a West
coast thing. And I'm not into it. And I don't
know anybody who is into fucking mosquitoes. And if you

(02:13):
do know, somebody tell them, I said, to funk off,
or tell them to call in because they need help.
I just I just have a problem. You know. I
don't mind bugs so much. Everyone's either scared of spiders
or they're scared of snakes, right, like bugs or snakes. Obviously,
I'm scared of snakes. I've talked about this publicly privately
to anyone who will listen. I once saw a snake

(02:34):
on safari and my said, I slapped my sister across
the face when I saw it because I was so scared.
And our safari guide was like, you're in Africa, what
did you think was going to happen? And I said,
I I didn't think I was going to see a
snake outside my room. That's what I didn't think. So
I hit my sister across the face because that's the
reaction I have when I see a snake. I have

(02:56):
to hit somebody, and I hit her and then I
went to kick her and she blocked me, but then
held onto me tight because she knew that I was
having a childlike reaction to snakes, which I always do,
And it was almost like she stopped me from having
a seizure. Even though I don't have epilepsy, I would
like my body would involuntarily react without me. So that's

(03:17):
what happened in Africa. And I was trying to hook
up with our safari guide, so that put the ki
bush on that as soon as he saw me so
scared of snakes, he lost all respect for me. I
saw a snake on my hike the other day where
Freeman trail, and I shoot it off the trail. I've
a rattlesnake. No, it was not a rattlesnake, but I've
tried to have more respect for animals when I'm in

(03:38):
their space. So it was slithering across the little track
and then stopped, and so I took a sick and
I just tried to get it to go down the
hill because I'm I feel like you know, I mean,
I mean your home I'm on your territory, and normally
I would be repulsed or terrified, but I just tried
to remember, you know, he doesn't want any trouble. I
don't want any trouble. So it's just that's what I

(03:59):
have to remember when I see a snake. He doesn't
want any trouble. My problem is that I believe they
want trouble and that they will chase me, and that
I My friend was telling me the other day to
come to Bowen Island because her parents are there, and
then she proceeded to tell me two stories about snakes
that she found. She found one in the water. I
was like, that's it. One swimming in the water. Why

(04:22):
are they in the water? Water moccasins. That's why we
won't get in a lake anymore. I'm reading this book
called Atomic Habits, I think it's by his names by
James Clear and this is more about like achieving your
goals by changing your identity. And one of the things
he says is like we are in charge of the
perception we make for ourselves. So instead of the example

(04:42):
that he uses in the book is if you were
a smoker and someone offered you a cigarette while you
were trying to quit. Instead of saying, oh, I'm trying
to quit, you would reply with, oh, I don't smoke,
and so in that way, I think you just need
to retrain your brain to say I'm not afraid of
these snakes. Like the more you tell your self, the
more it becomes part of your identity, so that repetition
of habit. So maybe you just need to start saying

(05:05):
how much you love snakes every day. Okay, I mean,
I guess I could try that, but okay, yeah, I
mean I hear what you're saying about being in their
land or on their you know, on their turf. I
get that that's true. Same goes for sharks. Then you
know you're in their water. And that's why I don't
get in the water. I'm just never gonna stop swimming
in the ocean. I can't stop, won't stop. I love

(05:26):
the ocean and I love swimming, and I love sitting
with my nieces in the water, you know, on Nantucket
or Martha's Vineyard. This year we went to Nantucket, but
we usually we go to Martha's Vineyard. But I have
to say I would give them both rave reviews. And
I kind of like Nantucket a lot, which is kind
of weird because I'm such a vineyard her But I
don't know. Eventually I'm going to want to shack up

(05:48):
there one of those places with my family. Yeah, as
my sister and I transition into late life lesbians, we
could probably move. We probably want to be bi coastal.
I mean, all lesbians should be by coastal, right, I think.
So it's the only way. Do you want to give
a quick one off advice because we have a submission.
I love a one off Sure, Okay, this submission says,
Dear Chelsea, I have a crush on a colleague at work,

(06:10):
and I'm trying to figure out how to take the
friendship further while remaining respectful and appropriate. Any advice would
be great, Leah, what do you think? Okay? So, okay,
let's answer it first. As a woman, I would definitely
Since men can't approach you in the workplace and you
have a crush on him, it's important that you let

(06:30):
him know because he can't take that chance right now.
So what's a cute way to do that? Do you
think either a note or a text or something cute?
But I think it's up to you to kind of
just say, like, what's the most respectful way to say it?
Like I have to ask a question, how do they communicate?

(06:50):
What's their communication form? I think a safe bet is
always to do a small work gathering, so a happy
hour where it's not a ton of people, it's not
everyone in the office, but maybe like five or six people.
So that way, there's not as much pressure in the
initial interaction outside of work if you've not hung out
outside of work yet, because then you can kind of
use that as you're jumping off point to do something

(07:12):
just you too, you know, like, oh, how great happy
are it was? You had so much fun? Maybe you
guys would want to get dinner together sometime. So I
think that's a non invasive way maybe to approach that.
So that's a good first step. I don't know what
your work situation is like, but yeah, that's a good
thing to do because then you can kind of make
some inroads at that event where you can kind of
flirt a little or whatever, get the vibe going. And

(07:34):
then after that, I think a little note is cute.
Who does that anymore? You know, it's cute to write
a little note, leave it on his desk, just something
that's a little flirty, like, hey, I had a great
time with you the other night. I would love to
go out with you alone, Like this is after that little,
you know, group activity, I would love to go out
with you. I would love to do it again. If
you're interested, let me know, Like that's kind of harmless

(07:55):
if not, no worries. I think it's nice for women
to reach out to men, especially during this time right now.
What do you think agree? I don't know what, what
more sound advice you could get. I think that women
coming into like their voice and their power in those
situations and saying this is what I'm interested in, and
that is that is hot for a woman to do,

(08:16):
To be the one to kind of take that step
and put herself out there in that way. There's no
greater feeling after you make a move like that to wait.
I love it. I mean, yeah, sometimes you don't get
the answer you want, but it's so exciting to take
a leap like that, Like I love reaching out to
someone who doesn't know that I'm interested in, just like
kind of putting it out there. I love it. And
I've been rejected doing that and I'm still fine with it.

(08:37):
So what if it were a man. For we're a
man who had a crush on a colleague and I
was trying to figure out how to take the friendship
further well remaining respectful, I think I would say to
write a note. Also, I would probably give the same advice,
but I would really emphasize his propriety and his approach
and make sure that it doesn't feel intimidating in a

(08:59):
pro appriate. You don't have to say that to women,
but that would be what would differ from my advice
to a man. Yeah, as a man, you need to
be respectful of her space and that it is a
workplace for her, and you don't want to have any
woman on the defense at work if you're interest in
her is not not wanted or not reciprocated. Rather so

(09:22):
I think, And if you're a gay man, I would
my advice would be whip out your but chucky and
just let it rip. Chuck. Yeah, that's what I haven't heard.
Oh really, but chucky, that's our that's our family word
for penis, but chucky, kaslopis and Pikachu. Oh and then
boom c is a fart. We don't say fart or
and we don't say. We say take a should you be.
If somebody has to go number two, we call it
a should be. So we have a lot of code

(09:43):
words in our family, but we all understand what they mean,
and so do all our friends. Leah, hope that solved
your problem. Yeah, Leah, good luck with that problem solved.
If you guys end up together, I could call us, Okay,
we're gonna take a minute and we're gonna have some
time for some ads and we'll be right back. Bert
can't see the steps for some reason from the bed,

(10:04):
like even though he walks down them every morning, sometimes
he doesn't remember where they are, which is in line
with his brain chemistry, because every time I come home
it feels like I have to reintroduce myself too. So
when he comes on the bed, if he doesn't see
the steps in the morning, I've well twice now he's
fallen off the bed. I'm surprised he survived, and it

(10:25):
also explains why he's very slow, because he has obviously
several head injuries or concussions over the last few months.
But when he does fall off the bed, it is
a an alarming sound, but not alarming enough for me
to get up because I know that his fur is
patting him, and as a parent, that's really all I
can hope for or ask for. Actually, I did start

(10:50):
carrying a cabbage patch kid around the house and was
breastfeeding it to convince Bert and Bernice that I actually
am maternal and I am a mother because my Bell keeps.
My Bell's my housekeeper, and she keeps telling me the
reason why the dogs love her so much is because
she is a mother, and they know that I'm barren.

(11:10):
So I tried to counter that with my cabbage patch
kid that I found, and well, I'm not producing milk.
But Bert as also not really paying attention because as
soon as my Bell leaves the house, he goes to
sleep for the night because it's like it's sucking over
his his day is over, so he goes to sleep.
So anything I do, that's my window to be with them.

(11:32):
And they both don't want to be with me because
they're pissed that my Bell left, and so in that time,
whatever I do is useless because their eyes are closed anyway,
because they're so miserable because they hate me so much.
I'm glad those two can't talk. You know, they wouldn't
have anything nice to say. No, definitely, not not to me,
that's for sure. I mean Bernice came up the other morning,

(11:54):
climbed up someone was there was a workman in the house.
She climbed up the little doggy steps. I'm in my
bed on my computer in my bathroom in the morning.
She climbs up the doggy steps, walks right over to me.
I go, and I put my hand out to Petter,
and she runs in the opposite direction and runs off
the bed like I'm a rapist, like I've beaten her,
and runs off the bed, runs down the stairs. What

(12:17):
what the fund is that? Why? Team? But why is
she coming up to taunt me like that? Is she
playing with me? Their emotions? I don't know. I mean
these two dogs, honestly, the next two dogs I get,
I might not get chows. I need some a little bit.
I mean I know I will, because they're just fucking cute.
And I love having a furry snuff leophagus in my

(12:38):
bed every night, whether he wants to be there or not.
He doesn't even know what's happening, because you know, I
carry him, I carry him downstairs after he passes out
on the floor. He's like a furry slinky. His dead
weight and his dead skin. You know, I have to
put him over my shoulder, and then I bring him
upstairs and I threw him on the bed and he
just never wakes up. Nothing, nothing will wake him up
once she's gone, unless he is off the bed. Bert's

(13:01):
been letting me pet him, and that's been very exciting.
I know. Well, his body is such a wonderland that
if you you know, just even touching his fur is soothing.
It's like almost self soothing. When I touched his body,
it feels like your fingers can get lost in his
like head and neck meat. Yeah, and under army we've
got two big flaps, right, and the hair is so soft.
I know, I love it. He's really like a teddy bear. Okay,

(13:26):
so you want to go into callers right away. Let's
just get into him, all right, Let's just get into
it then. All right. Well Katie out of Corona, California.
She's thirty one, right, Dear Chelsea, my husband just want
to say something about your voice. It's you know, it's
very soothing. It's almost like a laxative. I used to
have this thing where my mom would call me when
I was like, moved to California, and as soon as

(13:47):
I heard her voice, I had to go to the
bathroom because she was so relaxing that it helps, like
just relax me. And my sister said the same thing.
She goes, Oh my god, that's so funny. When I
was at college and I talked to mom on the phone,
I had to go to the bathroom too, like it
just lets everything flow. Okay, I'm going to take that
as a compliment, so I would say that your voice
also has that effect on me, because not yet, but

(14:08):
I think one day I will. I can't wait for
that day. She writes, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I
recently had our first child, the first grandchild on both
sides of the family. We spent the last four years
living in Europe and just moved back to California, closer
to our families who are Trump supporters. We are not.
My husband and I are currently struggling with certain family
members who continuously make racist and insensitive comments. For example,

(14:32):
one family member in particular hates the Black Lives Matter
movement and all the blacks on TV now and how
he's boycotting the NFL. Another family member will make rude
comments about illegals and all the Mexicans taking over. Needless
to say, my husband and I are tired of this
type of behavior and do not want them speaking this
way in front of our daughter. They already think I'm
a liberal snowflake who's too sensitive, so I feel like

(14:52):
no matter how I address these issues, they're going to
blow me off. It's such a terrible position to be in.
But it should also be noted that in her written submission,
she did put quotes around things like blacks and illegals
because she was directly quoting family members. Okay, Katie, what's
going on? What's what's the situation? But now that you're home,
Hi Katie, Hi, thank you for having me on. Sorry

(15:15):
about your parents they suck and grandparents aying you want
to say they're good people, right, because they would never
speak this way in public or around these groups of people.
So it's where's the disconnect of why would you speak
that way in front of my husband and I who
don't share these same views and don't speak that way,
especially now that we have a child. I don't want

(15:36):
them speaking that way in front of her ever, And
I feel like we're not the only people going through
this right, Like, everyone has a family member who will
make an insensitive comment, and we need to move away
from Oh, Grandpa's just being grandpa or Mom's just always
been that way, And it's how do you set those
boundaries with your family members and your parents who didn't

(15:57):
raise you to be this way. You know, we're taught
to be considerate of other be polite, respect authority, and
I don't know where that disconnect is now with our
parents generation in particular. So I think it's just really
hard because you love them and you want them to
have a relationship with your child, but it's also this
is not okay, and I don't want this to hurt

(16:17):
our relationship, but this can't continue. So what what kind
of conversations have you had thus far? Have you told them?
Like how hateful that is, so like what they're talking about,
how hateful that is to have around your daughter to
talk about blacks on television and he doesn't like the
Black Lives Matter movement, Like that's hate driven. Yeah, And
I think with my husband side of the family, I
don't feel as comfortable as with my own family. So

(16:39):
I just say, yeah, things are changing, you know, and
kind of leave it at that, and if my husband's
not there, I don't know what more I could really say.
I guess having a bigger backbone and being like, hey,
that really makes me uncomfortable. It is insensitive and not
even sorry it makes you uncomfortable. It's that's just how
things are now. But with my side of the family,
I'll say, you know, like, I don't like that? Can
we please? Like? That is really mean and it's kind

(17:02):
of out of nowhere. They have no reason to feel
this way about these groups of people. See this is
bad for me because I have no tolerance for that,
And I would argue, who cares? Then you to keep
your daughter away from them, then they shouldn't be around
that kind of hate. But I know people care about
seeing their families and they want their families to be
involved with their children at least that's what I hear,
So I get that angle of it. I can't tell
you how many questions we get like this. People are

(17:25):
always writing in about cutting out friends and family out
of their lives because of racism or bigotry, all of it.
And but everybody's not a lost cause. Like if you
can really demonstrate the hate and the harm that black
families have grown up with and and all BIPOC people
and all marginalized group have grown up with and the

(17:47):
hatred and bigotry against them, and how damaging that is.
You know, like facts are facts. I mean, look at
how many black people were shot the week Derek Chauvin
was convicted. You know, look at what had happened. I mean,
it's undeniable that there is the system working against black
people in this country, and that they're part of it.
We're all part of it, but they're actively perpetuating it. Yeah,

(18:08):
and to be irritated with it for no reason because
it's not actually affecting their day to day life, to
me is mind boggling. And I want our daughter to
grow up. I'm hoping that our kids generation doesn't see
any of these conflicts or oh, how can we help
these people? Or yeah, that's really rough that they've gone
through this for so long, or seeing a homeless person.

(18:28):
Instead of being like, oh, they made bad life decisions,
it's how can we help, Like let's move away from
being negative or seeing things as a negative way and
turning around is how can we help How can we
make a difference to Yeah, how can we enforce change,
and how can we go with change and be supportive? Like,
what is your family's excuse for saying I hate all
these black people on TV? I mean, what do you

(18:50):
say when they say something like that, Yeah, I mean
that recently just happened. When you said we have like
post your questions, I was like, we literally just had
that awkward situation in our home and all I said was, well,
change is happening because it caught me so off guard
because there is no reason. We also grew up in
Orange County. We live in southern California, So let's talk
about white privilege already like this, The diverseness is not

(19:12):
in our community. It's not, and it makes us uncomfortable
when we're faced with it because that's not something that
we've dealt with. Because those people are actively being supported
in our own community. I think it would behoove you
to have a really like heart to heart conversation with
them without trying not to get emotional and just being
very pragmatic and practical about it and saying this is

(19:33):
what I will accept around my child. I will not
instill hate into my child. I will not instill bigotry
into my child. It's not enough to not be racist.
I'm anti racist, you know, you want to be actively
anti racist, which means having very little tolerance for people
who behave that way unless they're willing to work on it,
you know, and they obviously don't seem like they are.

(19:54):
So my advice to you is not coming from a mother,
it's coming from a person. I would literally threatened them
seeing their grandchild unless they actually started having healthy conversations
about what is happening, you know, That's what I would do.
And that's not the right decision because I'm probably a
lot of parents would argue because they don't want to
take their kids away from their grand parents. But think

(20:15):
about what your parents are offering to them, you know,
is that relationship important to you because it's important to you,
or is it important to your grandchild? Well, and I
don't want it to get to the point where I'm
not comfortable leaving my child alone with them because I'm
afraid of what they're going to say when we're not
around either, right. I think it's the presentation, right, because
they think you're a liberal, a snowflake, and that you're
super sensitive and you care too much about everybody and blah,

(20:37):
blah blah. That's not a bad thing. It's only seems
like a snowflake thing when people are emotional about it,
right when they're when there's emotion in the conversation. So
if you could leave the emotion aside and talk about
the practicality of like the world that your daughter is
going to grow up in versus the world your parents
grew up in, and how she needs tools to live

(20:58):
in that world and to respec act everybody in that world.
They taught you to grow up respecting people, right, Like
that's something you can bring up. Am I supposed to
teach her not to respect black people and brown people
or immigrants, Like there's no Christianity in that, and there's
no democracy in that. That's just not human like good

(21:19):
natured nous. It's just not so any discriminatory behavior, and
even saying it is not acceptable in your presence, even
saying it, because you know, I I won't allow myself
to be around anybody who speaks in that way about
women or about marginalized groups. I will not be in
that situation and not say something. And that is my

(21:41):
commitment to being anti racist, not just being against racism.
So you literally just took every thought out of my
head and presented it, because there is no excuse anymore
for this sort of conversation to be going on unless
the conversation is how to progress or thoughts and feelings

(22:01):
that you've had and you want them challenged. Like obviously
your family is very set in their ways on both sides,
so it's hard because you don't really have a safe
haven when you're with your extended family. You never know
who you're going to get it from. But positioning it
as a decision you're making on behalf of your daughter
will force them to rethink how they're going to communicate

(22:21):
because if that relationships mean anything to them, if that
relationship means anything to them, they will have to adjust.
And I come from the Midwest, so I'm in the
same position as you are, where it's a very specific
mindset and thought process in regards to anyone unlike you.
Any difference in someone is something that's not okay and

(22:42):
that's not embraced. So I feel for you. I mean,
these conversations are really fucking annoying to be having with
the current landscape, Like you need to get on board,
but you have to have it. You need how you
need to go into these things very direct and transparent
with how you're feeling and what you're thinking. That it's
not okay, and you should show them my documentary on

(23:03):
and called Hello Privileges Meet Chelsea. There's a four women
from Orange County who sound exactly like your parents, who
were arguing with me about why they think, you know,
it's inappropriate for black people to have any sort of
advantage at this point, like affirmative actions wrong. We shouldn't
be giving black people any sort of upper hand. And
it's like, that's actually exactly what we have to do

(23:24):
because we've had the upper hand for so many, so
many years. It doesn't matter that we weren't here during
that time, or that our ancestors were here during that time.
We're still benefiting from the system that is subjugating people
of color. We are still benefiting from it. So of
course there's something for us to do. And your work
is with your family and your in laws. What's your
husband's stance on like the status of your relationship, Like

(23:46):
have you thought about withholding your grandchild from them? I mean,
I really hope it doesn't come to that. But we
literally just moved back from being gone for four years too,
And I guess it just caught us off guard that
it had gotten so heightened because these weren't actually conversations
that were being had when we lived here before. And
so in my point of view two and my when

(24:07):
I brought that up to my husband, that just made
me uncomfortable with that comment. I was like, if we
were black, or we adopted a black child, or if
our daughter had a disability, wouldn't we want them represented
on TV being stood up for by big groups that
could actually make a change Like that would be really
important to us and our families argumentatively if our daughter
was in that situation. But because we're removed from it

(24:28):
for some reason, they think it's okay to make those comments.
And I think we're just caught off guard that there's
that big disconnective. We did grow up in church. How
is that loving people? How is that being kind or
even just a good citizen where you're living? It's not
right right there. I mean, church is a great place
to start, because these people can hang their hat on
religion and Christianity and then discriminate against people that is

(24:50):
not godly. That is not what that religion is about.
I've looked into it. So I think you really have
to have like a real come to Jesus with them
and be like, these are the rules. Are are you
going to be able to follow them? If not, I'm
so sorry, but I can't have my child around you,
Like I really, I I tough love in this situation,
I think is I would say to do that. They're
still having a hard time grasping the concept because this

(25:11):
is also something that I've seen with white people. There's
like a missing cog somewhere that they can't quite grasp
why you have to be anti racist that it's not
just about keeping the comments yourself. It's about acting on
behalf of other people and like being vocal when you
see racism, and you need to remind them that there's

(25:32):
a very famous person in history who had the sort
of viewpoint and mindset about people with a difference, and
that was fucking Hitler. No one wants to be compared
to Hitler. So the next time you hear your dad
or father in law saying something, to be like, oh
you know what, that sounds exactly like Hitler with the Jews,
Like is that how you want to come across? Is
that how you want to be represented with that sort
of mind conditioning. No, no one wants that sort of association,

(25:54):
so that will really make them think. I mean also
the idea that you know, like it's just in dispute
putable to go over the statistics of how many black
men have been shot in the back of the head
or in the back running away from cops who ended
up having no weapons on them, Like I'm sure your
parents would be like, well, they should have just complied,
or even if you don't comply, a officer's job is

(26:16):
not to escalate the situation. It's to de escalate the situation.
So there's more proof in the putting of the statistics
of what's happening disproportionately to black men being murdered by
police officers. That is the root of racism. And how
could any man or woman not have a problem with
kids being killed by police officers? How could you know?

(26:36):
Husband's an athlete, he runs, so when that black woman
last year got shot running in his own neighborhood, literally
brought two s my eyes because looked at my husband.
I'm like, you can go running any goddamn time and
I never have to worry about you. Like, how is
that fair that citizens in their own neighborhood are not
safe just because of the color of their skin like that.
It's one how is this still an issue? And it
shouldn't be. And I don't want that to be an

(26:57):
issue for our daughter ever. No, no, no, no, And
it won't because your daughter is going going to grow
up in a completely different world. And I think people,
you know, older people are just so stuck. They just
don't see the whole picture and they can't. People don't
like change, and Katie, that's that's the world that you
create and maintain for her. So again, as harsh as
it may seem like, you have to do what's right

(27:18):
for your family, and if that means withholding those interactions
to make sure she is growing up in that space
where there's inclusion, like, that's what you have to do.
It's not a position anyone wants to be in, but
it's your responsibility as a parent to guide her and
keep her safe and surrounded and with people who have

(27:41):
an outlook more aligned with the world that she will
be living in. Yeah, you should also if I don't
know if your parents would read a book about this,
but probably not. But yeah, okay, so you can recommend it, well,
you should Recast by Isabel Wilkerson. That's a great book
for anyone to read because it really gives you a perspective,
like a thirty thousand foot perspective from so many examples

(28:05):
of racism, how it lives on in this country and
what black people go through in an original way. And
it also actually compares, you know, what they did in
the American South. It shows that the Nazis and Hitler
studied American South and what Jim Crow did during that
time and all the laws that they did to separate
and segregate black people from white people with swimming pools

(28:27):
and eating and busses, and that the Nazi studied that
because they thought, oh America's got it. How do we
discriminate against Jews in this way? So they studied the
American South. So Nazis studied America and people don't know that.
I didn't know that until I read that book to
get a blueprint of how to discriminate. So we are
the kings of it, you know, we did it in
the grossest way possible. So I think that, Yeah, you

(28:50):
really have to get your thoughts together in a letter
or a conversation I know, I can tell that you're
sweet and nice and emotional, So you might want to
write a letter because as sometimes I feel like when
I make an argument, I just want to leave the
emotion out of it, you know, put your facts down
or what you're going after, Because are you willing to
actually take your daughter away from them and their relationships

(29:11):
with her? If if those type of conversations continue to happen, Absolutely,
because it just it's so uncomfortable and I never want
a my daughter speak that way. I would be horrified,
and I don't think that's fair to her to be
put in that situation either, because it is negligent today
to not try to change your point of view or
at least just don't speak that way. Like if I

(29:32):
can't change their mind, I can't change their mind. But
the boundary is don't speak that way in front of
me or my daughter. Yeah, yeah, that's a good place
to start. And then once you have that agreement, you know,
I'm sure, I mean they're obviously gonna say yes, they're
not gonna be like, oh, we can't not be racist
around your daughter. But once you have that agreement, it
allows you a new platform to kind of grow from right.
So then you have a new understanding and that's your baseline,

(29:55):
and then you can work towards little small things, you know,
acts of kindness on your your behavior can demonstrate your
anti racism without imploring their anti racism, right Like, you
can't make them be anti racist, but you can show
them what you're doing to be anti racist, so that
they're seeing that demonstration over and over again. And that

(30:18):
is a way to get through to people, not necessarily
by trying to convince them, but just showing how you're
going to operate in your life from now on. Sure,
so I think that would be a good fresh start.
You have the conversation, do it with your husband, write
a letter to from both of you or an email,
whatever you're into, and and have it be from both
of you. You have to be a unified front for sure,

(30:39):
and you can either have the conversation or write it
and and just say these are the rules. Let me
know if you guys want to move forward. We love you,
we would love for you to have a part in
our daughter's life. And we've been gone for four years.
We'd hate to miss another four. But we're not We're
not going to be accepting of this behavior. Yeah, that's
accepting of this behavior is a good way to that. Okay,
and keep us most did okay, let us know how

(31:01):
it goes. Okay, thanks for calling, Katie. I feel for you.
I know what. Yeah, I am so glad. I don't
have any something fucking Trump supporters in my family. I
mean at this point, uh, don't even get me started.
Conversation just fucking annoyed the ship out of me. Not
because of her, it's just like, I just don't understand
how this is still and why do you? You know,

(31:22):
the question debate, why are you what's your problem with it? Like?
What is the resistance to Black Lives Matter? How is
it hurting you? Like? What is it you? Well, because
the right perpetuates all of these conspiracy theories and all
of these lies about oh that leads to looting, and
then everybody's you know, it's it doesn't lead to looting.

(31:42):
That's like, that's not a big part of the Black
Lives Matter movement. Those are extremists that are on the
left or who knows where they are, but those are extremists.
That's a small percentage of people, so that you use
whatever excuse they want. They can say, well, why don't
black black people are getting shock because they don't comply
with the police. Punishment for not complying with the police
isn't getting at Nobody deserves to get murdered. So like,

(32:03):
look at fucking Kyle Rittenhouse, that little white asshole that
went up and and he was a white guy. Nobody
shot his ass. They calmly took him into custody. I mean,
after he killed people. I don't know how you how
you argue the facts and the evidence in these scenarios
where black people are disproportionately executed. Because Republicans don't like

(32:24):
the word disproportionately, they think that doesn't make you know,
they'll argue anything they say it's not true. They have
no facts to back up their data, and the facts
that they do get are usually fake because the right
has all these like fake news things going on all
the time. When they call us fake news, talk about
projecting anyway, my blood pressure is going up less anyone
else who's dealing with us. Just to wrap that part up,

(32:45):
anyone else who's dealing with us or has to have
those conversations I've had them. If you have a racist
family member, your only choice is to stand your ground
and make that decision that you will not engage. That's it.
It's hard, but you need to do it well, not
in age or stand your ground, because standing your ground,
I think does mean engaging to a degree like saying
this is no longer acceptable to me, like you, this

(33:07):
is not an acceptable dialogue that we're going to have.
You can present Hey, you can make this change and
we will continue. And if you don't, you have to
exit those relationships that you're not going to provide you
anything beneficial. Like that sort of mindset is not okay. Yeah, well,
I think a lot of people really struggle with exiting
from their familial relationships. I'm for it, and see I
don't have that issue, that's why, right, right, nor do

(33:29):
I so. But the thing, I mean, she did say
she was gone for four years, so in the four
years when Trump was president. It's like these people were
indoctrinated by the right wing media and these conspiracy theories.
I mean, seriously, what is your problem with Black Lives
Matter people defending themselves peacefully is that they're convinced it's
not peaceful, that everything is an architect of the left,

(33:52):
and you know, and over liberal people and we're allowing
black people to loot like they form this narrative. But
if they have been convinced of this ideology, then they
can be convinced of a different like if they were
gone for four years and they learned this exactly. So
if you're swayed like that, then you can be unswayed.

(34:15):
I would argue, I just never give up everyone when
it comes to this topic. I don't give up on people.
I will send you books, I will get no response.
If you said something that I don't like, that sexist
or racist, I will follow up and make sure that
your views are changing, and if they're not, I won't
give up until you are extremely patient. I have no

(34:37):
patience or tolerance for it, Like I just can't have
the conversation, but you do, and you will continue to
have that as long as you see some sort of
growth or challenge to their Well. It's like what even
white guys who think they're progressive aren't. They think they are,
but they're still sexist and they're still racist. And it's
true because it's not even it's not even your fault.

(34:58):
You've internalized it. You it's been passed down. Yes it's
and it's it's been taught and you know, and we've
been learning this our whole lives. So it's not your fault,
but it is your fault if you don't do anything
to correct it and to dismantle it. And I've noticed
that too. My friend who was like, oh, it's reverse
discrimination with women, now, it's like, what, Like, that's not

(35:20):
the way you can think about that. We've been discriminated
again since the beginning of time. So there's going to
be a little leg room where we're going to get
some advantages. I don't know how straight women are dealing
with straight men. I don't know either. I mean, I'm gonna, yeah,
we've already gone over this, but obviously I'm gonna have
to start sucking women. You know, I'm in full support
of that. It really does turn me on when I
see you get so worked up over political issues and

(35:43):
racism that like you will not back down like you
and you are so impassioned by it when you're talking,
it's like, oh, like I could listen to you speak
on the subject, and then I think you could listen
to me speak about a lot of things. I could
you could read me the phone books so romantic our
next mission comes from Marissa. She's from Connecticut. She's thirty.
She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm currently in a gray area

(36:04):
with a recovering alcoholic. Last October, he got his second
to you hy and has been clean, sponsored and in
therapy since. I'm skepticals to remain with this person for
fear that he may potentially relapse or, like other addicts,
find a different addiction. We were together for ten years,
and the d u I pushed me off the edge.
He seemed determined to stay away from alcohol, and I

(36:25):
do still love this person. Should I walk away completely? Mersa? Marissa,
what's going on? How are you? I'm well, thank you?
How are you? I'm good. I like your lavender walls. Cute,
thank you. This is my office in my house. Nice cute.

(36:46):
Thank you. So you've been with your guy for ten years? Yeah,
I mean, if you're counting right now, it's more like
ten and a half. Well, nobody's counting a half a
year or so, don't worry at So, yeah, we had
just celebrated our ten year anniversary last September, and a
week after that the d o I happened. So that's

(37:07):
we've been in a kind of gray area ever since?
So has it been? Was that his first dui or
a second dui? That's that was the second dui? And
when was the first one? That was earlier in the relationship.
It was either the first or second year we were dating. Okay,
so at least he went like nine years between the two. Right,
ideally he would never get another d u I again.

(37:28):
But right, yeah, what are the conditions of his drinking? Like,
is this like he's out for a night with his
buddies and then just happens to getty dui? Or does
he have a problem He has a problem. Of course,
you could make the point that any time there are consequences,
that means the person has a problem. But you know
what I mean, Yeah, I mean since the night of
the second du i, he has not drunk. He recognizes

(37:50):
that he does have a problem, he has taken steps
to not drink, and he has a sponsor. He's in therapy.
So far, so good. I mean, but our relationship prior
to that, like a year prior, it was not well
because he was just he had always drank, but it
just got to the point where it was sloppy, slurring,

(38:11):
falling down the stairs, just every night, and it was
just embarrassing, like in front of his parents, two friends, families.
It was just a lot to deal with. And how
long has he been sober? Now? About six or seven
months now because it was last October, right, So I
have your feelings for him changed? I mean they had,

(38:31):
they had changed a little bit even prior to the
d O. I just because like with the alcohol and everything,
I had kind of been like done. I would say,
I'm not really done at this point. If he could
stay clean, if he could stay sober, then I feel
like this relationship can be successful. But I'm still skeptical
because I mean, he's an addict, so I don't know.

(38:54):
Addics relapse. Addics do relapse, but addics also get clean
and stay clean, and sometimes it takes a couple chances,
you know, And if you are willing to see it through.
Do you have children? I do not. Oh well there
you go a total bonus around, so you don't have
to deal with that and those decisions related to your children.
I mean that already is like a victory lapse. So
pat yourself on the back for not having any children.

(39:16):
I am so that you don't have to tell them
their dad got to d u I when they're older.
But I think you should give him another chance. I
think you your heart is in it, right, You're just
you're obviously it's not a beautiful turn on to see
somebody wasted, slurring, falling down the steps. But real love
is kind of looking. That's not who he really is, right,

(39:36):
that's not who he is when he's wasted. Who he
really is is a different person. And it sounds like
he's taking all the steps that he could possibly take
to get there, right right, Like I'm just worried, Like
if he gets a third du I, like, that's it,
he loses his license forever. I know. But you can't
think about if he gets a third d u I.
You have to think about supporting his sobriety and being

(39:57):
there for him and him taking the steps on his own.
You can't think about what if that's not going to be.
That's not helpful in moving forward, that's helpful and staying stuck.
So you have to think positively and move forward positively,
like this is it, he's well, and you take it
one day at a time. He's going to meetings is

(40:18):
the term, I know, sweetheart, to a meetings. I gotta
do you. I once too, I had to go to
a meetings for that, but you know what, I didn't
get a fucking second, do you. I got one when
I was twenty one, and then I never got one
again and now I have a driver. So um. So yeah,
I think you should stick it out. It sounds like
you love him and you want to stick it out,

(40:38):
and you're just kind of letting that narrative of what
if control your attitude about the situation when you should
flip that and you and look at all the work
he's done in six months, and as long as he's
staying serious about being sober, then you should be serious
about staying with him, right. Yeah, I'm glad to hear
you say that. And I knew that you yourself had

(41:02):
just the one d U I. So I was curious
as to what your opinion with me. Well, like, I
think everybody can funk up, right, they make mistakes, but yeah,
making them multiple times is not hot, So you kind
of can just you have people who change. Yeah, it's hot.
One can change. Yeah, And listen, you know he's only
in six months of sobriety. If he can do this

(41:22):
for another two years, can you imagine where he's going
to be in his life, and how much more secure
and self assured he's going to be an intern, how
secure you're going to be with the relationship once he's
proven more time to be sober. So yeah, I mean
there's a lot of addicts out there, so you know,
don't hold that against him as long as he's trying. Yeah,

(41:43):
he is. And you said that he's going to a
A and I know that they offer Alanan, which is
for those affected by alcoholics, and I've been to a
few of those meetings and it was actually really insightful
and helpful because it's such a process and for me
my mentality, which it seems like you're kind of spice, see,
and so in that moment you may be like this
is it like the next one? We're done? And it

(42:04):
is a process, So he may fall off the wagon again,
and it's about how he's correcting those things, Like we
can't hold him to never making another mistake, but how
he's going to keep correcting those mistakes and hopefully you know,
they say the first year is the hardest and that's
the largest margin of error, and then after that hopefully
less and less and less and him having a drink

(42:24):
and not getting drunk. That's not something that you want.
But sometimes people can catch themselves in their addiction like, oh, ship,
I really should not have done that. It broke their sobriety.
But they know like I need to stay on track,
I need to get back to a meeting, I need
to do these things. So you being there to support
him could really make a world of difference. And how
he continues, you know, on his sobriety right, and this

(42:44):
time it is a little bit different because after the
first d u I, he's still drank afterwards, and now
he has stopped, and he never once said after the
first d u I, I'm done, I have a problem,
I'm going to stop, And now he has so well
it's almost like we need to kind of forget the
first d Y because he was twenty years old like that,
you know, everyone fucks up at that age. Now at thirty,
hopefully he's thinking like this is not how I want

(43:06):
to enter my third decade, like as a sucking drunk
getting a d u I, Like, I'm not in a
frat anymore, Like I need to get it together. Does
he know does he sense your ambivalence a little bit?
He does, and he did prior to the d U
I too because his parents actually saw him on a
sloppy day. His mom pulled me aside and asked me

(43:27):
if he gets this way often? And I was like,
I'm glad you saw this. Yes he does. So I mean,
I don't know. I think he has a great support system.
I'm with him. His parents. They saw him at his
worst and they support him as well, and they want
him to get better. I want him to get better.
So can I ask? Was this a decision that he
made himself after the d U Y or was it

(43:49):
an ultimatum from those around him? Did he know that
he wanted to be sober? He did. Yeah, he made
the decision himself, and I think he realized how much
of a funk up it was because I had told
him that night. I was like, I'll be I'll support you,
but I don't want to be with you right now,
like i'll be your friends. And we haven't really had
too much of a together discussion since then, but we

(44:12):
do still live together. It's it's kind of like business
as usual around here. Well, I think you should also
start talking to him a little bit more like about
your relationship and about the status of your relationship and say, like,
I really do. You have to let go of the
past a little bit, you know what I mean, and
live in the present moment and forget about his first UI.
Just focus on what's happening now, which is his sobriety right,

(44:32):
and you want to be there to support him, and
you want to reassure him that, like, you love this
part of him. You love that he's trying to stay sober.
You love that he's making the effort, that he's got
a sponsor, and these are all the reasons why you're
still here and that you do want to make this work.
Don't be afraid to communicate. People need it. People need
to be loved and hear that they're loved, especially when
they're going through this. You know, he's probably so scared

(44:54):
of losing you well and embracing the change in the
future with him rather than holding onto the past where
he always feels, Oh, I have to I have to
take accountability for it. But that doesn't allow for much
growth when you're constantly looking back at the stakes that
you've made. I think it's kind of about setting the
intention for the future and what that life could look like.
Together while he's sober, and that's going to be much

(45:14):
more of a reason for him to continue to stay sober. Chelsea,
when you had your d U I, did you have
a huge support system like your friends and family? Were
they supportive? Yeah? I mean no one took it that
seriously because I was so young and I was just
a party animal, right Like, so everyone's like, oh, I
can't believe it took this long for her to get
a d U. I like, obviously that was going to happen.

(45:35):
And my d U I story was a hot mess
because my mom had given me my sister's I D
to get a fake I D when I moved to California,
and my sister and my mom were both Mormon, right
they both My mom was Morman and then she converted
my sister. And so when I moved to California, I
was nineteen and I asked my mom for Shoshanna's i
D and my mom gave it to me and to

(45:57):
go so that I could party. My mom's like that
and this is Chelsea, she needs to party, like go here,
like anything to get me out of New Jersey. They're like,
you can have whatever you want anyway. When I got
pulled over. I gave them my sister's I D so
it was it turned into this entire like it turned
into me impersonating somebody else. So it took like a
d Y and made it ten times worse than a

(46:18):
d Y because I was, you know, drunk, and I
called the copy racist, mean while we were both white,
but he was probably racist anyway because anyway, So, yeah,
they were supportive. I had to go to d Y
class for many, many weeks, but my family was very supportive.
My mom was actually really upset with my sister for
getting so upset, and when she found out I was

(46:38):
impersonating her, she filed charges, like with the FBI or something,
and and so my family actually got mad at my sister.
But that's also justin that's just our dysfunctional family and
and the fact that I was so manipulative. But you know,
I never I don't do that. You know, I'm not
like that. And I learned my lesson, and you know,
it was a young time to learn my lesson, but

(47:00):
I did. And I was like, it's not really about
you driving drunk. It's about your putting other people, innocent
people's lives a danger by It's not about are you okay?
Are you okay to drive? It's like are other people
okay on the road? You know? And what if something
else happens? What if somebody has an accident and you
don't have your wits about you and then you make
the accident. You know, you compound that ten times. Meanwhile,

(47:22):
I drive with you, so I know you're drunk driving
is probably not really terrified, right me. Sober driving is
pretty aggressive. So drunk driving is out of my repertoire now.
But I did learn my lesson, and I do believe
people change. I know that I've changed myself, and so yeah,
so I think we're good. I think you're gonna be okay, Merissa,

(47:43):
and I think your relationship is going to be okay.
I believe in him. Okay, thank you so much, Chelsea.
And don't forget to communicate. Talk to him about it, right,
don't make it his own thing or his own burden.
Be there with him, not like his only support. You
don't want to be his strongest ballast. I mean you
can be, but you want to just make sure he knows, like, yeah,
you're in this, because your tentativeness can also trigger his behavior. Right.

(48:07):
So you just want to be open about what you're
feeling and what you're thinking, even if it's sometimes unpleasant
to say. Just be like, I'm here, I want this
to work. YadA, YadA, YadA. Okay, okay. I appreciate your opinion.
Thank you so much. You're so welcome, Marissa, have a
great day. Thank you you as well. Bye. That sounded

(48:27):
That sounded like he's got very sound advice. It sounds
like he's going to get a ship together. I believe
people get their ship together. Hopefully some people do. You know,
we'll hear about it. I'm sure. Our next mission comes
from Marie from Ohio. She's twenty one. She's a baby.
Oh that's cute, She writes. Dear Chelsea, me and my
boyfriend have been together for five years and are looking

(48:49):
to get engaged soon. I'm twenty one and he's twenty
and we are entirely ready to start our lives together,
and this past year has tested us. We moved in
together despite his entire family and vising us not to
because of their religion. I thought it would be a
good trial run to see if we work together. It
was one of the most eye opening experiences and He
truly is my best friend. His family is not too

(49:10):
keen on us looking to get engaged, but we are
ready to start this next chapter of our lives. His
aunt sent us a Christmas card saying something along the
lines of, I hope one day you're kind enough to
explain your thought process on why you thought it was
a good idea to move in together without being married.
What a bit. Not only am I terrified to have
this conversation, but I'm terrified to tell them that him

(49:30):
and I have actually sinned together. I am assuming that
means head sex. How do I work my way around
this without coming off like a bit? I love their nephew, son, cousin,
and religion obviously doesn't stand in my way. But I
don't want to offend anyone and then become that family
member that everyone doesn't want at the Christmas party. Help me.
I love everything you do and I'm proud of you. Hi. Hi,

(49:54):
How good? How are you? I'm good? Okay, So you
moved in with your boyfriend. You guys have been together
since you were sixteen? Mm hmm. Did you see how
quickly I did that? Yeah, it's very quick, rain man,
And you've been with no one else since you were sixteen. Yeah, okay,
and you really love him and you want to marry him. Yes,
he's my best friend. He's everything that I've looked for

(50:16):
in my life. And I'm sorry, someone's calling. Oh that's
Joe KOI how annoying. Hold on, sorry about that. You're okay?
I love him? Oh you do. Yes, I'm Filipino too. Oh. Actually,
then he got him on the phone. Hey, Joe. Yeah,
but I'm talking to somebody who's Filipino. And I said, oh,
Joe Cooi's calling and she said, can you see him? Oh? No,

(50:40):
here he is, say hi, Hi Hi. She said she
was Filipino. And I was like, oh, that's Joe Koy
so annoying. I wish you would stop calling me. And
then she's like, oh, I love Joe Cord and I
was like, oh, well, then I'll answer. He's so cute.
He's my favorite. Yeah, we're doing the podcast. I have
to call. I have to Joe. Are you getting into drag?

(51:03):
Kill you? All right, we'll call you back. We'll call
you back, Okay, bye. He gets upset if I don't
say I love you. At the end of the phone call.
I'm like, I'm not your girlfriend. But I have to
say it otherwise he'll call back. So okay, back to you, Marie.
Let's talk about this. First of all, you love him,
you're gonna be with him. I think you're way too
young to be with someone to get married. But listen,
I get it. If you love somebody and your heart

(51:24):
is set on it, then there's nothing you can do
to change that person's mind. And I would like to
support that. So that's the thing. I've never like wanted
marriage in my life, Like, I just don't. I don't
think you need labels or anything. But with his family
like pushing marriage before anything, Like I can't even go
on their family vacations without being married. I can't stay
the night of his like his family's house without being married.

(51:47):
Stuff like that. So that's why I'm like, Okay, so
marriages next for us, even though, like I don't like labels,
I think marriage is just a construct. Honestly. Yeah, Well
I wouldn't get married for his family, right, I mean,
that's not the reason to get married, because his family
is a bunch of right wing, radical religious assholes. You know.
That's that's where it gets to me every time the

(52:07):
religion tied to the Republicanism. It's like, really, that's that's anyway.
So Brandon, what do you think? Because I can already
feel my vagina clenching up from talking about this. I
just I love that you love him so much, but this,
I've all sisters younger than me. There's so much life

(52:28):
ahead of you, and when you're with someone from that
young age, it is very easy to have tunnel vision
on that person. And I am never someone who would
want to enter someone with the idea that divorce is
always an option. Enter someone and she's not just something
we bring that into it. She can't even enter each
other when they're at the family's house. There's a workaround

(52:51):
because they've sent together. Isn't that right? Yes, just never
in the presence of anyone else. So I would encourage
you if I were giving this advice to my sister
is to stay with him, you know, be happy for
in that relationship. You guys are both so babies, and
it doesn't seem like that because you're like, no, but
we've been neither for five years. There's you have so
much life ahead of you that you're going to change
and evolve, and hopefully you can do that together, But

(53:13):
getting married to solve an issue with his family is
not the solution. It's possible like resentment building later, because
that's almost like indoctrinating you. Right, you're adhering to their
rules for their system of rules, and you have your
own set of rules. You're an individual. You seem like
a smart, like sharp young lady, and based on what
you said, the label does not make the relationship. And

(53:36):
so you can't let someone force you into a situation
where you feel like you have to do something. If
your relationship is happy and healthy as it is right
now as a couple, you guys should be able to
find a way to keep that momentum going without the
influence of outside sources making you feel like you need
to operate in a certain way. Look at Goldie Han
and Kurt Russell. Yeah, look at them together for so

(53:57):
long and they're still boyfriend and girlfriend. I see them
a lot, and they are they are, Yeah, they love
each other and they have a hot, fiery relationship and
yeah they've never been married. That's probably why they're still together. Definitely.
So I would never want someone to feel like they're
forcing you into situation or that's a situation you have
to accept like I just look at you, and I
just see like my little sister, and it's just not

(54:19):
it's not okay to force women into this sort of
position where even though you love him and I'm sure
we'd be happy to be married, it's not really a
choice you would make based on what you said on
your own intention. Yeah. Yeah, And I guess you know
it's up to him to figure out how he wants
to deal with his family and family vacations. But you
know I would. I like tough love. That's why I

(54:41):
like just going. Sorry, neither of us are coming then,
you know, like we're fucking adults. Were twenty one years
old at this point, you can't. I mean, they probably
are still thinking of you since you've been together for
five years as little kids too. They're not seeing your
evolution or maturity necessarily because they're so stuck in their
own ideas of you. And so there's a way to
respectfully communicate these things, that that you are adults, and

(55:04):
that you are finding a way to make your relationship
work for you too, and that you don't have to
answer to his aunt or his uncle or his parents anymore.
If you guys are financially independent from them and able
to maintain your life together. That's all that matters. You
don't like, they can either get on board or not.
And hopefully they want to see you happy and we'll
get on board. But if not, you guys also have

(55:26):
to be okay with that. Yeah, that you're a unit
and now you guys are your own family essentially. Yeah,
you could be like it's a package deal. You either
get both of us or you get none of us.
What does he What does he think about this? What
does he think about his family? So he just went home.

(55:47):
We live like an hour and a half away from home,
so we don't get to see everyone. That often sounds
like that's a good plan, yes, And that's why things
have been like kind of spiraling, because I feel like
they think everything is happening so fast, but like in reality,
we've just been like living our own lives apart from them.
And then that's when we get the Christmas card from
his aunt. But he is in the same boat I am.

(56:09):
He's just like I hate that my family things like this.
I wish they didn't think like this. I wish they
took me more seriously because I think everything that we
do or say is just like, oh, you're a little young.
You're a little young. You don't know much yet, you
know what I mean, Like kind of pushing that faith
back onto him, even though from a young age she's
shown that there's definitely a divide there. Well, but I

(56:31):
think I feel like you're saying two different things though,
Like you're saying you're too like if you take the
marriage off the table, right, take that out, there's no
reason you need to get married, especially if it's for
his family. And you're twenty one, so like, you know,
even I understand you love him and everything, but why
not wait another five years till you're twenty five? Then
you'll know for fucking sure. Right, there's so many things

(56:52):
that haven't happened to you yet. And I know you're
not interested in hearing that because you're in love, and
I get that, But there are just so many things
that happened to our brain as we evolve as human beings.
As girls and boys, we developed differently. Our brains developed differently.
Our brains aren't even fully formed until we're like twenty
six years old for boys and some girls, Like there's
some things that aren't connected, you know, until we're in

(57:12):
our twenties, so it's important to give yourself the time
to not put yourself into situation like that, I believe,
and especially not for his family. So I think there's
a nice conversation you guys can have with them if
you can agree to say, like this, this is the deal.
We've been together a long time. If you guys can't

(57:32):
like understand that we're together, like, you know, maybe if
you take out the marriage thing or explain to them,
like the only reason we would get married is so
that we can sleep together at our when we're on vacation.
Is that what you guys want us to do? You know? Yeah,
that's true. It's just it's hard too because they think
we have a lot of faith in our lives. We
just have never had that conversation with them yet that

(57:55):
we are not following their footsteps. We are not going
to church every Sunday, we are not praying before bed.
So I think that's another situation that makes us very uncomfortable.
Then you need to have that conversation. Though, you know,
those uncomfortable conversations are important to have. It doesn't have
to be cantankerous either. You know, you don't have to
be yelling and screaming. You just have to say listen, like,

(58:16):
the world is changing, you know. Religion isn't what it
used to be. It's certainly not for us. We're not
doing these things, so us having to subscribe to your
idea of what we should be is completely an unfair
way for us to live. Write that down. That was love,
but that yeah, well an audio recording, so I can
just listen back to it. Okay, well, listen to this

(58:37):
and then write it down. Yeah, so I think that's
what you should say. That's good. Actually, yeah, that was
very helpful. Thank you. Alright, Marie, so let us know
what happens. Okay, I totally you've spoken to them at
some point, I will. Okay, thank you, Okay. I really
like Marie. I just don't think she's got the age
to get married. No, but she's gonna get married, so

(58:59):
there's nothing you can do about it. But yeah, I
mean twenty one getting married at twenty one? Do you
when you look at your life and if you're not
in your own life, it just seems idiotic. It is
like the first part of your life. There are like
fifty parts of life. Well maybe I guess let's say twenties,
one part, forties, another part, sixties a third part. But

(59:21):
when people are in love, they want to be together.
They don't see the macro, they see the micro. Yeah,
I appreciate that. I appreciate that for her, that she's
found someone she wants to do with. I just think
of my sisters during that age, and it's just there's
so much development that happens personally between twenty one and thirty. Yeah,
that's true. I mean, that's that's it's hard. I have
a niece that lives with her boyfriend and she's going

(59:43):
to get married, probably before any of us are ready.
But you know, we just have to suck it up
and let people live their own lives. Although you know,
if you're calling in to get advice, then we're going
to hopefully help you live a different life or or
take a step of bravery. But that whole situation is
just you know, she's got to deal with multiple components,
religion being the most annoying one. All right, well we

(01:00:07):
have more to cover, but let's take a quick break.
We're just breaking up families left and right. It's like,
if you want to break up with somebody, please write
in or call us because we can help you do it.
We can help you set boundaries. Break up, you need
to lose a family member, partner, you want to break
up with your spouse, a friend, a family member. No, no,
breakup is awful. Limits, it's our real house. I air

(01:00:29):
on the side of really just telling everyone to go
funk themselves. You're a little bit more diplomatic, although with
your mother you're very harsh. I mean, I but I
get it, I get it. I respect. Did you watch
The Gypsy Rose Hulu with Patricia Arquette. Yeah, yeah, again,
that is very reminiscent of my mom, who like made
us believe things were going on that we're not going on,

(01:00:51):
that there were dynamics being built. I mean, she's just
sucking nuts. I love her, I do. And that's the
moral of the story is you can love someone from
afar and want the best for them and not interact
with them. A religion is just so annoying when people
are so religious that they try that they expect other
people to follow that religion. It's just like that's the
opposite of what religion is is like loving all human beings,

(01:01:15):
no matter what they believe in or what they think
as long as they're kind and not discriminatory. Understand, I
don't just filtered through and like people just pick what
they want from it. Whatever is convenient to their narrative
is what they'll choose. When I was in high school
and the pastor who I went to church every Sunday,

(01:01:35):
and I remember there never being any like scripture present
or any sermon about adultery because he was constantly cheating
on his wife. So it's like that type of ship.
It's like, oh my god, it's just so annoying. And
my time there's any sort of sanctimony or righteousness, self righteousness,

(01:01:56):
it's always right, like it's always because it's like they're
not practicing what they're preaching at all. And no, I
just have so the straw that broke my back with religion,
and I grew up going on mission trips, and I
think that there is something like I like the idea
of going to church for the fundamentals, treat your neighbor
how you would want to be treated. And again that's

(01:02:17):
like what people do not practice unless it's convenient to them.
But when we moved here, I made leave. I go
to a church is called mosaic and it's in like
the center of kind of like Hollywood, and it's very
like the young group. It's quote unquote like cool and leave.
I did not grow up in church. So he did
not want to go, and made him go, made him

(01:02:37):
do the donation, the whole bit, and he was like
fucking annoyed. He got home because he's like, Okay, the
music was fine, Like if this is something you're really
serious about, like I will go with you on Sundays.
That's nice. Yeah, it was great. I would never do
that for a partner. He So then he started researching it.
The pastor who does the sermons for a very diverse congregation,
so like a lot of LGBT people, a lot of

(01:02:57):
people of color, there were some as people. There was
listed on like Joel Olstein's Top Southern Baptists Preachers and
had a sermon where he basically said that God's gift
was aids to eliminate gay people. And I'm like, how
can you be the pastor of a congregation and be,

(01:03:19):
you know, very persistent about making a donation with gay
people in the audience and then simultaneously be going and
doing these sermons basically saying like we should all be
wiped out. I mean, it's just it's so convoluted. Religion
is very opportunistic, I know, I know it very it's
it's it's upsetting too because it's the root of all
it's the root of all war and discrimination. You know,
religion persecution. It's just religious persecution, all of it. You know,

(01:03:44):
it's very hard. All you want is to be loving
and accept people and have compassion, and that can't Christianity
cannot involve you saying you don't like the Black Lives
Matter movement. You can't be a Christian and say that
you have a problem with that. How is that Christian
people defending themselves peacefully, protesting, peacefully saying we want to

(01:04:07):
be treated equally. We don't feel like we're being treated equally.
When somebody says they don't feel like they're being treated equally,
it's not your decision to tell them, yes, you are. Well.
People just love to take up an opposition as well
as what I found, when there's a cause going on,
if it isn't inclusive to them in the way that
it's not about them, they'll take an opposition. So because

(01:04:27):
it's Black Lives Matter, they're just like, well, I'm white.
I'm not including this. Well you fucking could be. You
could be out there marching with your black and brown
counterparts and showing support. But because it's not about you,
you take the opposition, you take whatever stance is not
what to me. I guess the black lives matter because
of where we are is the popular movement is like

(01:04:47):
people should be involved in being inclusive, but it's not
everywhere in America. I have a thing with men. Sometimes
I think men are hopeless because of the behavior they've
necessar for the last five thousand years. But I have
a thing with women, Like I don't get how a
woman could not a mother, someone who's a parent and

(01:05:07):
a mother, ever be okay with anyone else's child being
shot in a school or being shot by police. You know,
I don't understand how mothers can't get behind that, like,
oh my god, your child was stolen from you. People
are so self involved they don't see their children in
those other kids. They don't see that. They think that's separate, right,

(01:05:28):
that's not their kids, Like, that's that's a non issue
for them because it's not going to happen in they're
all white school, Like that's they don't associate that with
their lives. That is the other. That's not my problem
when I say school shootings, I just bring that up
because it's a Republican thing. I don't mean that's the
same you know, it's not the same thing as Black
Lives Matter, But it's two Republican things, you know, not

(01:05:48):
having a problem with Black lives matter and thinking that
it's okay for mass shootings to happen in schools all
the time, it's okay to live in a country where
it's essentially a war zone. That's Republican. And why we
don't have kids. That's why we're not Republicans. I'm I'm
getting tired to I'm really going to need a margarita.
We're getting one, So don't worry about that, sweetheart. I

(01:06:10):
just don't want that girl to get married. Well I
don't want her to get married either, but you know,
like that's very difficult because I don't want a twenty
one year old girl to get married, Like, you don't
even know what's going to happen in ten years, Like
what you're going to be into. You don't realize how
young you're twenty one. I thought I fucking knew every
I'm like, I am an adult. There is nothing anyone

(01:06:30):
can tell me. And now I look back at that,
I was like, I was so naive to what life
really looks like. I still feel like a baby sometimes
I'm thirty one. Well, twenty one, I was king. I
I once keyed my ex boyfriend's car because he broke up,
and then I got drunk, went over to his house
and opened the door. I had a key to his house,
and there was a woman in his bed, and then
I ran out and I keyed his car. That's what

(01:06:52):
I was doing when I was twenty one. You know,
I haven't keyed somebody's car in a really long a month.
I should keep my Bill's car, so you just have
to buy our a new one, so it'll really just
be another expense. Well, we covered racism, we covered religion,
We covered yeah, yeah, wow. Heavy topics. Much heavier than

(01:07:18):
I anticipated. This podcast is a little bit heavier than
I had anticipated it would be. Luckily, there are personal
stories to weave through to keep it light. But I mean,
I wasn't expecting this level of seriousness. But I welcome it,
and I welcome a challenge, and I want to help
people and I love everybody who's written in and I
really want to support you. So we're just gonna keep

(01:07:38):
it moving and keep it rolling and just accept whatever
comes our way. Also, I am on tour. My tickets
are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows.
We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You
can buy tickets a ticket master for my shows. I'll
be playing my next big show, I'm at the Santa
Barbara Bowl August one, so you can come see me there.

(01:08:00):
And then I have all the other cities that I
have already released and tickets are available and I can't
fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny, So make
sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nows
and then keep them to yourself. Please, do you or
someone you know need advice on any subject, literally anything.

(01:08:20):
You can send your submission to Dear Chelsea Project at
gmail dot com Aslama lacam baby