May 23, 2022 • 68 mins
Blair welcomes Rosebud Baker (Saturday Night Live, Comedy Central) to the show. She comes on to profess her love to a famous male popstar.
Blair Does New Material Show in LA June 6th at The Elysian Theater (featuring Greta Titelman and Carmen Christopher)
Blair's Online Breathwork Class May 26th
Follow Blair on instagram
Follow Blair on Twitter
Follow Rosebud on Instagram
Rosebud's podcast
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Dear and Wilson Podcast.
I am so excited for you guys to hear this episode.
It was so much fun because it features my absolute
best friend in the world, Rosebud Baker. We had such
a good time. You may know Rosebud from her many
appearances on Comedy Central, her special Whiskey Fists, and from
(00:25):
being a writer on SNL Right Now and Uh make
sure you check out her podcast Find Your Beach with
her co host Andy Haynes. And also she wants to
let you know that she will be co headlining at
Just for Last Vancouver May through nine with Brian Simpson,
(00:45):
our other buddy hilarious friend. For me, I will again
want to tell you about and I will be doing
an hour of new material at the Allegian Theater in
l A on Monday, June six at pm. Ticket link
for that will be in the show notes that show,
I will also be having my dear friend Gretel Titleman
on Who's so Much Fun. Also follow me at Blair
(01:08):
Saki on Twitter and Instagram and please rate, subscribe, and
review do this podcast if you want to support and
be my best friend in the world. Okay, please enjoy
this episode. I love you all. Thanks. Oh wow, okay,
(01:32):
welcome to the Dear Own Wilson Podcast with your host
that you guys are obsessed with, Blair Saki. Do I
have a show for you? And look, I know it's
just the first few episodes of this thing. We're just
getting rolling before it turns out to it absolute international
star studded hit. But do I have a surprise for
(01:54):
you today? And in case you're just tuning in for
the first time, I will remind you of this podcast
is a format where I bring on your favorite favorite
comedians personalities to read letters to their favorite celebrities, and
then I interview them after very shrewdly where we have
(02:14):
a great time and I asked the hard hitting questions
for my listeners. So, without further ado, I like to
welcome public enemy number one, my best friend in the world,
just by your personality, rosebud Maker. Everybody. Wow, Blair, Dream, imagine, imagine,
(02:47):
it's just you. I am so excited to be here out. No,
I'm not really nailing it right now, but I was
gonna stop you when you said that you bring on
everyone's favorite personalities because I was like, it's debatable, well
(03:08):
done that I will never forget the impression that you
did that one time, which was absolutely devastating, sort of
became famous around town in New York City. You know
how I nailed it was? There was There was a
day years ago when Blair came to the dentist with
me in place of my emotionally unavailable boyfriend, and I
(03:34):
they had put they had they had done the numbing,
and so one side of my face was paralyzed, and
somehow having use of only one side of my face
allowed me to sort of channel an impression of Blair
that I was able to hang onto for a solid
two years. I'm pretty sure it's slipped away at this point. Okay,
(03:56):
finding out the background on how you nailed that impression
is even more sinister than the impression itself. While it's hurtful. Yeah,
one time, Jake Nordwynd told me that I talked out
of the side of my face and I was like,
what the hell does everyone else know that? And I
don't not wrong, Listen, It's not something that's noticeable unless
(04:19):
you are trying to do an impression of Blair and
you're like, could someone please numb half of my face.
Oh my god. Wow, that's crazy. I hope you never
do it again because too many people were talking about it. Yeah,
it would hurt me. Um. You know when the impression
is too good, it hurts you. Yeah. Uh, well, thanks
(04:43):
for coming on. I know you have about the busiest
schedule in the world. That felt um sinister. No, no,
I mean itself. How is that sinister? It's only a compliment,
like you're you're doing really well out here. Well listen,
thanks so much for saying at Yeah, the tone felt sarcastic,
(05:03):
and maybe maybe I'm projecting because you are My day
is laying on the couch. No, I do have I
think that illness where everything I say it's just like
the tone of my voice. People think that I'm fucking
with him, but I'm being really sincere because, um, yeah,
you are my best friend. And we met eight years ago, um,
(05:26):
which is crazy. Yeah. We met in a in a
small cult known as the Laughing Buddha open Mic in
New York City, which was run by a I think
full blown crackhead. I'm pretty sure he's he might be
on crack, you know, So, I mean talk about sinister,
(05:49):
but some like actually really great comics came out of
that very bad place an organization, and I'm pretty sure
some of the best highs of his life were paid
for by the comedians funding his mathematiction. He had me
barking outside in the snow for six hours every Friday
(06:11):
and Saturday for two five minute spots on the war
shows in the city. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was
fully like a place where if you were a brand
new comedian, like if if you were a young aspiring
artist in New York or l A, there is, um,
there is a world of bottom feeding Ponzi schemists, predators
(06:36):
not not really a word, but um Ponzi schemers that
will sort of just sort of drain you of the
amount of whatever money you have that you're borrowing from
your parents and um, and we fully both just just
fit right in. We were like, remember my dad being like, um,
(07:00):
so you're not getting paid for this, so it's free labor,
just like a fully rational question for a father to ask.
And I was like, Uh, no, one not getting paid.
I'm just lu caring. My arm dad I later, well,
(07:21):
we won't name him. I saw him years later and
he casually said, uh, well you're lucky. You're pretty so
you've gotten a lot of success. And I was like,
I think he meant it to hurt me, but it
was like the deepest compliment I'd ever heard. I was like,
(07:42):
thank you. You know, I never felt that at all
growing up. So to think that any modicle, most success
you think was based on wow, thank you. That's one
thing I learned in comedy that very quickly based off
the compliments that I got from men. They were like,
are very good looking for a comedian, and I went great,
(08:04):
So I'm playing in This is like the special Olympics
for beauty and I am fucking I got a gold medal.
Thank you. What a compliment. I'll take that to my grave.
I love you. It's always such a backhanded compliment, like
you would never say that to a dude. No, it's
(08:27):
always it's always something that's like, listen, you don't need
to have an ounce of talent. Yeah yeah, let me
just take you down seven pegs because I'm having a
bad day. Right. All you need to do is sit
outside of my fake comedy club in thirteen degree weather
and pay me five five dollars for seven hours of
(08:50):
free labor. I'm paying you five dollars that is what happened, folks.
We paid five dollars. We paid five dollars for as
of free labor. It was the most backwards saying. I
can't believe we did it. The indignities of comedy just
(09:11):
continue forever. Like even when things are going well, oh
my god, I've been picked up in vans in the
middle of the Midwest with perfect strangers from the airport.
Just yeah, this van is gonna show up and take
you to the club. You're like, yeah, no problem. They
bring you to some fucking some room that you're You're like,
(09:33):
are you sure this is the Organs And you're like,
you like the hotels in the alley. They're like, yeah,
you're just gonna lift just pop the lid off that dumpster,
you put a lamp in that. Someone will pick you
up at seven for the show. And you're like, thank
(09:55):
you so much. I don't want to be difficult, but
is there gonna I'm so deeply grateful. I'm not a
problem at all. I'm gonna be honest. The more I
do the road, the more I'm like, women really shouldn't
do comedy. I really don't think. I'm like, we deserve better. Yeah,
(10:18):
my dad has been saying. He's like, why did you
choose that life? Like you had a lot going for you.
He's like, you'll hire your education. Everything was aliveed. I know, God,
what a nightmare. I remember sitting in like I won't
(10:38):
name it. It It was very nice club, right, it was
a very nice club. And I remember coming in and
I was I was in a ship mood and I
was complaining and somebody goes, stop being spoiled, and I
looked at him and I go, do you know the
world that I come from? I was like, I go,
even even if I make it, this is still a downgrade.
(11:04):
You're asking you need to forget everything I already know.
Oh God, hilarious. Okay, all right now, without further ado,
I would love if you would read your letter before
we get into our heart hitting interview. Okay, Dear Justin Bieber,
(11:26):
It's been years since I wrote my letter to you
and read it on Dear O and Wilson the Live Show.
Forty five seconds of that letter has been posted to
YouTube for two and a half years now, and still
I haven't heard back. Look. I know you're busy. You
have a wife and six teen backup dancers to look
(11:48):
after But how many of your fans can you honestly say,
have put the time and effort that I have into
letting you know how much they appreciate you. I had
a podcast devoted to you for years. I stopped to
you outside the Bowery Hotel, grabbed you by the shoulder
and said hello to you. And you're soon to be wife.
(12:11):
I've d m with your mother for Christ's sake on Twitter.
Speaking of Christ, I'm looking forward to the documentary Hillsong
exposed on Discovery. Plus. I think we've all learned a
valuable lesson since your pastor got caught cheating. And what
is that lesson? I'll tell you what I think it is.
(12:35):
Even married men of God should get a hall pass
once in a while. You're fucking sick, look justin. I
don't want to be gross. You're a married man. I'm
a married woman writing this letter in a notebook I
bought on Christmas break in my husband's hometown. But every
(12:56):
so often, when your hair isn't dreaded, consider giving me
me a call. I Love you by Rosebud. PS. There
is a PS. I watched the COVID concert documentary. You've
still got it anybody who doesn't appreciate the raw fucking
talent you are, I hope they fall into a very
(13:18):
icy river in their best fucking sneakers. When I had COVID,
watching that concert did for me what watching Rocky does
for men detoxic and rehab. Made me believe I could
redeem myself without doing any work to prove it. And
that's all. Wow, folks, you heard it here first, that's
(13:43):
rosebud Baker to Justin Bieber out there, Oh my god. Yeah,
it's just a thrill to have you on. You know,
you're a real hit on the live show. Thinks some
secrets were exposed that day on that show. Yeah, let's
get started, and just you know, if you can just
try to keep calm during these questions. I know some
(14:03):
of them could be a little crazy, but they're all
Lucian's fallow. None of it's coming from me anyway. I'm
just gonna say this, Uh, if I don't like any
of the questions, I will be responding with my full name,
address and uh personal information, so they have to bleep
out any response that I have. UM, and I'll just
(14:24):
say this, I am not worried. Okay, it started, folks,
when Bieber was twelve years old. According to Lucian Wiggles,
He's sang Neo is so sick for a local singing
competition in Stratford and he placed second. Do we think
(14:45):
it's fair that he became famous and not the kid
who placed first? I think it's fair. Yeah. I think
the question you should be asking is do we think
it's fair that he placed second when he was justin Bieber? Wow? Okay?
A reframe. A reframe in the spiritual world is when
(15:07):
you flip something into a different perspective, which Drowse about
just demonstrated. I want to to just add that a
reframe is known in a court of law as a
good argument. That's what that's you know, depends on where
your value is. Sure, sure did you learn that from
your family that's high in government? Do you trust the
(15:30):
US government or spiritual grifters? Um? I don't know. I
would say that there is Bernie Sanders. Look, I didn't
vote for Veryan Williamson, if you can believe it. I
know that shock came to some people, but I actually
really wish you wouldn't have run um crushing just so
(15:53):
crushing thing that could have happened yeah, because I loved
her books. And then I was like, honey, you know,
I know you're coming from a place, but this is
not gonna I thought that was actually one of the
best things that could happen to white women was to
the just see see one of their heroes fall. Oh yeah, yeah,
(16:15):
thank you for loving my pain. Okay, next question. Beaver's
ancestry includes French, Canadian, Irish, English, Scottish and German. Would
you say that Justin is white with a capital H
as in quite? Yeah? Yeah, yes, you're gonna go with
(16:36):
yes on that one. I'm gonna go with Did you
say German? Yeah? Yeah, if there's like even a little
bit of German, I don't we don't care. I don't care.
You're Jewish, You're you're you're still white white. Um, so
do you are you German? That's going to be that's
(16:56):
gonna be a moment, that's gonna be. Yeah. Can you
buy is gonna make that into a six second clip
that I can plus on the internet because I'm gonna
have a Bippy Goldberg moment. Okay, well we'll cut that
part out. Um, do you want just just make it
(17:18):
an affirmative? Yes, I would say He's absolutely as white
as a fucking paper towel. Okay, we'll move on to
the next question. You have German in you though you
seem like you have a German vibes. No I don't,
it's just a lack of sense of humor. Okay. Um.
When Scooter Braun first contacted Justin's mother, oh my god,
(17:39):
this question is an interesting follow up, Schwen Scooder Braun
first contacted Justin's mother, your dear friend. She was initially
reluctant because of bronze Judaism. She prayed, God, I gave
him to you. You could send me a Christian man
a Christian label. However, church elder is convinced her to
(18:00):
let be her goal with Braun. Please tell us what
in the fuck was that about? And do you go
to Hillsong Church in New York City. I'm gonna say,
and I this could be fully this is one of
those things where you could be making this up, and
I would still believe that it was true based off
(18:22):
of what I know about me, about you and about Patty,
who I am on a first name basis right right
right now? You know, I what the funk was that about?
I guess it was um. You know, she had to
(18:44):
reach deep down into her Christian heart and asked God
if she should stop being anti Semitic, right right, and
you know God probably answered her with, hey, Jesus was Jewish, right,
Jesus was Jewish, which is probably the most that probably
(19:06):
helped her out a little bit financially and spiritually. Yeah,
and then Justin went on to like, you know, collaborate
with like every rapper and like all all sorts of
um different people in the world. So I don't know
what she was doing there, thinking she just wanted him
to be a Christian singer. I guess just like my
dad wanted me to be married with three kids in
(19:28):
Newport Beach right now, right, and we saw, you know,
we see where expectations get you. So your kids come
through you, all right through you. They're not of you, Okay.
So I do feel like you are avoiding the question
if you're a parishoner at Hillsong Church. Have I been
(19:52):
to Hillsong for research and by research I mean to
try to find Austin and maybe maybe lay a hand
on him. Yeah, I've been once. Well you're like, I
mean absolutely not. I would just call it just a fan.
(20:12):
Oh my god, that's a reframe. Uh well, it's funny.
I kind of wanted to see. I wanted to see
what the what the fuss was about. You know, everybody
loves hill Song, everyone with like tons of money loves
Hill Song. And I just thought, let me go see
what this is all about. And I went, and Um,
it turns out it's just like it's like John Mayer's
(20:33):
your Body is a Wonderland for Jesus. That's what the
whole thing is. It's just like getting wet for Jesus. Yeah.
And then the pastor had like ripped abs and ship
and You're like, why am I seeing this pastor's abs?
And it's like, all right, he looks exactly like my
ex that used to slap me around my god, dear
own Wilson exclusive exclusive was. But I actually went to
(21:02):
Hillsong early on in two thousand twelve when I moved
to New York, because I was still at that point,
despite me making a hard turn into becoming an artist,
I would still go to church and like try to
connect with God even though you know, I'm not like
a religion gal um. And so I went and I
(21:22):
becoming an artist, you mean relinquishing your God and replacing
it with with um booze and people in flannel shirts.
Why I never oh, oh dear, oh dear folks, between
(21:43):
the two of us, there are some bodies that have
been buried. Okay, so just skip over that one, all right. Anyways,
I'm aound myself deeply hungover heading on a Sunday to
hill Song because I do want to see what the
fuss was about. Because you know, when I was young,
like in growing up in Orange, Honey, I would sometimes
get invited by a friend to one of these cool churches,
(22:05):
and um, once in a while I would go and
they would have like an incredible rock band with like
these hot dudes, and like I'd be so moved by
their Christian rock and just like in love with the
guys in the bed, you know. Yeah, yeah, you could
just see him up there with their thick hands like
just reaching towards the sky, broad shoulders. Yeah, like I
(22:29):
just want to hold hands and watch the sunset with
this guy, right, But they just fell deep into the church,
even though I don't know how. So what happens Listen,
I mean, the same thing happened to Justin. He's put out.
I think probably two different Christian albums now and I
love them just as much as his other albums. That's
(22:50):
your holy ass, I do. Yeah, Yeah, I love God.
I love God My God. Uh not, well, I don't
know who their god is Hillsong Church I at once anyways, Okay,
so it is Johnny Depp. That is not Johnny Depp,
I said hills Songs god is. Oh really does Johnny
Depp go to hill Song? No? But everybody, all the
(23:12):
priestures and pastors dressed like him. You know, they've all
got a lot of like accessories and leather and low
V neck, a low V neck. There is nothing more
vile A hot take that could get me canceled. But
(23:39):
I just wanted on the record. I fucking hate those
wide brimmed hats. Those felt, wide brimmed hats on men
make me want to die, Like these silver Lake hipsters,
I think. I just like, uh, it's just not for me. No,
it's funny because it feels like a hat that a
detective design for himself. And then and then immediately went, well,
(24:01):
this just makes me far too obvious. The only man
that can get a pass for the end of time
wearing one of those hats is Walton Goggins. Everyone else
needs to stop immediately. For some reason, it's authentic to him,
Like I just see him drinking in old fashioned at
his cabin wearing it, you know, But everyone else can stop. Yeah,
(24:23):
if you're not in a movie that shot only in
black and white, I I don't want to see in
one of those hats. They're everywhere in Hollywood. You can't.
You can't walk one block without zeeing them. Truly the worst.
All right, so you are a faithful parioner at Hill.
Sound good? Okay? So um, next question. No, I think
(24:48):
everyone knows that you're a devout follower of Christianity. You're
a christ I just want to say this. I think
everyone knows what a great journalist you are. Oh, I know.
That is the feedback I have been getting even though
this podcast hasn't been released yet. The important thing is
that people don't trust the media anymore, but you can
(25:09):
trust podcasters like Blair. I know. Well, yeah, I am
number one podcast here because I saw a hole in
the market and I thought I need to fill it.
Let me deliver the facts to these people. Rosebud is
a devout parishioner of Hillsong Church. Nobody knew that about you.
(25:31):
I'm in the documentary before the podcast, I'm in the
documentary you guys. So Rosebud Billie Eilish apparently used to
be obsessed with Justin Bieber. She has said that she
used to sop over her Justin Bieber obsession and almost
(25:55):
had to go to therapy for it. Used to what
over her sob sob over her obsession. She felt her
love for him was so deep that she felt she
needs to go to therapy for it, which is crazy
because I think she's only like twenty years old. Anyways,
how much do you relate to Billy And why do
(26:16):
you have to go to therapy for your obsession with
Justin Bieber? What'sen? I got to go to therapy for
a lot of reasons. I think Justin is more a
symptom of why I need to go to therapy than
the reason I need to go to therapy, if I'm
being completely honest. Have have there been nights when I
(26:38):
watched clips of Justin performing on Instagram where I have
shed a tear silently in bed, either next to my
husband or alone before I met him? Yeah, Wow, that's
interesting that you bring that up because, um, I was
wondering in addition to that, why is it that you
(27:01):
can only reach sexual climax while watching serial killer documentaries,
especially to the most grotesque parts like House on a
Hunted Hill. That's easy because I have reached a point
in my life where everything is stable and I'm trying
to get my kicks where I can. Wow. Okay, you
(27:21):
have forced me to watch things that I would have
never come into contact with, which is so confusing because
you're a devout Christian. I mean, God is in the details.
I don't know where that, what that means so or why.
It's just it's just what my brain farted out. But
can we go back a second to which part? Can
(27:44):
we go back to the part where I cried watching
Justin Bieber clips? That sure? Please? Please? Because who among
us has not enjoyed culture? You know? Oh my god?
Among us has not shed a tear at the opera?
(28:05):
You sound like you're on drugs, But have you ever
been to the opera? Does still exists? I don't know
the um this in in Justin Bieber clips on Instagram.
I'll tell you that, wow, because you don't cry a lot,
I cry away I'm really I cry away more than you.
(28:28):
That's not true. I cry a lot. It's just every
three months, once a fiscal quarter, once a fiscal quarter.
Everything in between gets shoved down and sort of turns
into ant or a ball inside my solar plexus. And
(28:48):
then about once a quarter, once a fiscal quarter, I
give a call to my accountant and I say, hey,
I think we're due for a little uh liquidating. Oh
my god. And that's who tells me it's okay to cry,
and so I do. And he usually happens when I'm
asking them to explain to me how money works. Right right?
(29:11):
The money is um so interesting. I love it. I
love money. Um okay, So Justin has many times I've
called my fucking accountant been like, hey, can you describe
to me like what this is or like what this means?
And chill like start to do it, and I'll be
like I gotta go by. I don't your accountant as
(29:34):
a woman, that's your first problem. Brains are too small. No,
I'm I'm actually protecting his identity. Oh I'm also trying
to fight stereotypes. Right right, somebody asked you, not me? Um.
Justin has said that he was heavily influenced by Justin
timber Lake and Chris Brown. Do you also cite Chris
(29:57):
Brown as the main influence in your life? Um? Did
I know Chris Brown had hit Rihanna before I started
dating a man? Who? Uh? You know this question? By
the way, huh. Lucien Wiggles wrote this question. By the way,
I'm sure. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he did, Lucien. Um,
(30:21):
would I say he was a he's a valuable influenced Yeah? Sure,
what sure? No fuck is wrong with you? You know
Chris Brown, He's he's like a lot those crazy fists.
Let me tell you something. If you're going to date
a guy that hits you, at least at least you
dated one that was fucking talented. Mine was a fucking
(30:46):
loser who never paid rent. And I hope he's listening.
I truly hope he's listening. I'm taking my name off
of everything I ever did with you, you loser. Anyway,
that's a funny one to be If he actually listened
to this podcast, he probably he would never listen to
anything that I did. Um, unless he was quoted in it.
(31:10):
You probably will hear this because what people don't know
is I actually got paid two hundred and one million
dollars to start this podcast. It's just one million dollars
over what Joe Rogan was paid. And so I do
anticipate that I will be getting in a lot of
trouble for this podcast, even though most of it is
Lucien with gos fault. Right. Well, I I'll be there.
I'll stand by you, you know, thanks. I'll be the
(31:32):
first to be like I stand with Blaire. You're gonna
tweet that and then Tim Dillon is gonna retweet it
and say sometimes it takes a real New Yorker, sometimes
it takes a village, Okay, Um? Moving on. Um. In
fall of Justin Biever worked with Tim Horton's to launch
(31:56):
a specialty version of Tim Bitts nose known as tim Beebes.
Yes it makes sense of detail, Please explain what the
fun Tim bieb is. But Tim biebe is. Um, it's
the inside of a doughnut. We've all seen donut holes, yeah,
and this is just the Canadian version of a donut hole.
(32:19):
That is uh, this just same size as a regular
donut hole. Look at Justin Bieber's name on it, and
so and so it tastes better. Right, taste already obvious.
It tastes like Christ and tattoos. Tastes like Christ. Tattoos,
nice dance moves and sex with Haley Bieber? Wow, how
(32:43):
do you feel about Haley Bieber? Do you see her
as a thread or do you think she's a good
match for Justin or what's going on there? I don't
see her as a threat at all. I think they
make a great couple. Supportive. I'm very supportive of him
and his marriage. I'm also supportive if he wants to
step away from it for a night. I had to
disagree with you. I'm sorry about this when you said
(33:06):
that every man should have a Hall pass. Listen, I
want to support him in whatever he chooses to do. Uh,
you know, sorry, I'm a loyal fan. Right. It's just
interesting because I actually think all men should be jailed,
but you think they should have Hall passes. How the
(33:28):
funk is Justin Bieber gonna tour if he's in jail?
There and laughter and song when he was jailed. You
can't jail a bird. You can't cadge a bird, that's right.
But let him fly, you know, for all the just
(33:50):
crazy laughs and you know, ha ha sort of thing, uh,
personality of that I would do, I will be honest.
I did go to one concert uh in November, the
first in years because of COVID or whatever, with Dave
and Paul, and it was the mog of Jordan's concert.
Um since they that you should look them up. They're
(34:11):
really good. You would love them because they're Bibery type
of music. Yeah, and David was like playing soul cycle, um,
something that's just like hot dance music, like sexy dance music. Okay,
but I was so overtaken suddenly surprised at the concert
where I was like, oh my god, live music because
(34:32):
I hadn't experienced it that I did, and I was
so into it that I did, like surprisingly get teary
out of nowhere, and Dave and Paul were like, it's
wrong with you, but I was just so happy. It
was like it was tear of joy. I still to
this day I have not seen justin Bieber alive. And
we're gonna go. I don't know what it's gonna take
(34:55):
because this man cancels tours like like I do. I
was just gonna say it sounds like someone else I know,
well we're both Pisces. I know you can't. You can't
really tie us down. You know. You know what's crazy
is like all of the people I love in my
life or Pisces that actually is crazy. That is a
(35:17):
reason to go to therapy. Yeah, I know, I'm in it,
been in it for a while, probably will be until death.
It's good. Um. I love to just go deep and
examine and the abyss you know. Yeah, yeah, I don't
think any I don't think any therapist is ever gonna
be able to help you with that because it's with
the Pisces problem, because I I think that's sort of like, uh,
(35:37):
just a defect of your character that you like Pisces. Yeah,
I ready to God to relieve me of it. Um,
But look, pices are too I mean, listen as your friends.
I hope, I hope to free you from my own presence. No,
you'll never get away from me, um. Actually, Pisces are
the least of my problems. My big problem was Gemini is.
(35:58):
They always ruined in my live. I can't get away
from those motherfucker's. Yeah, now that's wrong. No, Geminis flocked
to me like white on rice. Geminis are that's gonna
make the worst joke. You know what, you have to
(36:19):
say some things that we can leave in the podcast.
This podcast, this podcast is gonna be ten minutes long.
So moving on. Bieber has not been interested and updating.
Say that again, what's it up? Do you want to
(36:44):
repeat that? Justin? Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber, who this podcast
is about. I said he is not interested in obtaining
US citizenship. According to Lucian wiggles And has praised Canada
(37:04):
as being the best country in the world, citing it's
mostly government funded healthcare system as a model example. However,
in September, it was reported that Beaver had begun the
process of becoming an American citizen following his marriage to
Hayley Baldwin. Would you, personally, wrote Bob Baker, accept a
(37:24):
reject beaver citizenship application if you work for the U. S.
Citizen and Immigration Services, And also do you agree with
ice Jesus Christ. You know, I just want to say,
right off the bat, yeah, that that question. Yeah? Who
(37:47):
would have been edited down to the last two sentences.
Oh no, no, no, no, there's a lot of We
didn't need to bring up his past. No, no, there
is that's what you call gotcha journalism. Okay, No, there
is um no economy of words on this podcast. You
wish bitch, okay, um, okay, please answer the question. I
stand you like ice that goes in your water? Love it? Okay,
(38:14):
and so because it's not an immigration officer, right, and
then you're against it. I don't know. I don't know
what the correct whatever, the correct answer is ice question.
I'm just gonna go with the right one. Sure, sure, sure,
there are no traps here. By the way, Absolutely, that
was a trap. There's no traps here. This is dissolutely.
(38:34):
Oh no, you just did whatever ice is, which I
know it's bad. Yeah, what you just did to me
was just as bad. Oh no, that's not too Definitely
not no, absolutely not. Um. Lucien wrote that question. Lucien
Wiggles wrote that question. So that has absolutely nothing to
do with me. I'm just the reporter doing the work.
Lucian Wiggles is not a real name. Well then, how
(38:58):
do you explain My friend Lucien Wiggles is my private
investigator that I met at the Current River while fishing
for croducts, who writes a motorcycle and only wears cargo
pants and has no known family and refuses my friendship
a lot of the times. This is the same story
that I would tell my parents if I had snuck out.
So you're saying you Rosebud. So you you're saying you
(39:21):
rose mud my actual best friend in the world. Don't
believe that I have a private investigator named Lucian Wiggles
that I met in the current River? The what river?
The current River? Yeah, no, that's not no. I'm gonna
go ahead and go out on a limb and I'm
gonna I'll blow this podcast up. You say it right now.
(39:42):
You're supposed to be family, and you're we're supposed to
be family. You know, I'm Italian and how that I
value family And you're saying that you're gonna cross me
right now publicly that I don't have a private investigator
named Lucian Wiggles. Yeah, I'm gonna say it, Blair. But
say this too. I'll say this too, that if you
(40:06):
were to hire mm a real Lucian Wiggles, I would
I would let him follow me around for you. Oh,
well know, the whole point is that you don't know
that he's None of my friends know that he's there.
That's why you don't believe he's really because you haven't
seen him. Because he's too freaking good at his job
(40:29):
for me to believe. Because I have eyeballs everywhere. I'm
like a spider. I don't know. You're too busy watching
House on the Haunted Hill and watching Justine eyes. Okay,
so Rosebud, your family has a very storied history in
the US. Cover and by the way, I would let
Justin Bieber in as a I would approve his right.
(40:51):
I knew that he apologize. I got off track. Sure, sure, Yeah,
we did get off track there. Yeah. I love that
you kept asking. So you're saying, as my best friend,
the one person on earth who has my back, who
is supposed to have my back from all angles, that
(41:14):
you do not believe that you don't believe in this
lie that I'm telling myself. I'm not telling it. Lie.
Why do you think that it's hard for me? I
have to make so much money being a comedy tycoon.
It's to pay for my full time private investigator. Yeah,
you know what, I'm sorry. I doubted you and I'm sorry. Yeah,
(41:36):
apology accepted. Apology accept that I can't speak for Lucian.
But I'm times sometimes Blair and I want to own this.
Sometimes I forget that friendship is about blind agreement and
that's on me. Yeah, thank you, But you appreciate Wow,
(41:57):
that's great, that's good. I appreciate you coming around. And
so Glee to hill Song is doing a great job. Um,
so respond. Your family has a very sorry Jesus, and
(42:18):
your family has a very storied history in the US government.
Do you also have aspirations to become a politician and
if so, how much will you pay me to not
release our text messages from the last eight years? Do
I have any Uh? I don't have any any sort
of plans to become a politician, right, Okay, I don't.
(42:41):
I don't have any sort of plans to do any
such thing or to become a master negotiator like my
grandfather at the end of the Cold War. Yeah. Yeah,
And you would also if you did design that you
suddenly wanted to be a politician, you would have to
read some books or immigration. You have to know a
(43:02):
couple of things about that. But I don't plan on learning, right, Okay,
But let me say this, what was the second part
of the question. Let me say This was the second
part of the question, how much would you pay me
to not release our text messages from the last eight years?
(43:24):
This is this is formal extortion. I mean, how much
would it take? Damn, I think I'll start the minute
at a minimum, Millie. I don't have a million dollars. Player.
You know what I would do is I would just
if I knew that you were going to release our texts,
(43:47):
I would send you about a thousand nudes just to
distract from the words, just so I knew that no
men would read them. I love that you already thought
about a counter plan, counter defense. Well, listen, you backed
me into a corner. I can think fast. Yeah. Yeah,
(44:08):
that's gonna set a whole bunch of nudes, and I'm
gonna be like, look, it's the leaking of the nudes
that is a problem. Yeah, that's revenge porn and I'm
against that. So I'm actually gonna not um extort you.
I think I just decided, especially since you're such a
good um Christian developed parison there um mentally very agile.
(44:30):
I think you just saw that like oh yeah, sort of,
um yeah, you might as well have a USB port
in the back of my fucking head. That's how my god,
do you think this is a matrix up here? It is?
Okay in my brain? Okay, Rosse, but um you wish
(44:52):
you were Italian? So bad? It's sad hoops, no question
there Um rosebud oh wow wow, okay, Rose, but not
how I remember things Rose. But we've also agree that
Justine's best album this Purpose, which followed his biggest breakdown,
(45:15):
which should be an inspiration to us as the constant
breakdown that is life of stand up comedy. Um, what
do you how do you think that Justin going Forward
is going to produce his music? What is going to
be the genesis and inspiration I'll tell you what is
going to be the genesis and inspiration his relationship with
(45:38):
Jesus Christ. Really, if you if you've been paying attention
to the music that Justin been putting out in the
last like three years, right, this is These are full
blown Christian bangers, right Okay? Yeah, I have sort of
lost sight as I didn't connect as much with them,
but maybe I'll have to look into it. Purpose, I
(45:59):
believe is one of the best albums of all time.
Legitimately it was all like hits um, but I do
see how these pop stars have to hold on too,
like a religion or Christ because there's just so much
pressure on them, Like I can't even imagine. Because our
lives are like slightly public, like a few people know
(46:21):
who we are, and I still have anxiety after every
podcast I do because I'm like, I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that.
Do you have you and I? You and I are
very different in that way because I I tend to
be fully dissociative when it comes to anything that I
say or do publicly. I just I put it out
there and then I forget what I said, which that
(46:44):
does sort of haunt me in in a vague way,
like in the back of my brain. I'll be like, uh,
yelis something's gonna know. But I think that's really helpful because,
like I all every podcast because usually people on every
comedy podcast, I've never listened to one in my life,
but I've done way too many. They just want to
go ask you straight about your deepest trauma and then
(47:06):
like the most sexual relationship questions that they can ask
and every time because it feels like you're just talking
to your friend in the room and you forget people listen,
and then I have people like contact me and be
like I heard that, and I'm like, ship, I thought
nobody was listening. No, it's like you go into a
fugue state. Yeah, you're like I was sleeping a FuG state.
(47:29):
That's what um Walter White said. And Breaking Bad recently
watched it over the pandemic, folks, that's not a show
you want to binge. Could affect your mental health. It's
just very stressful. Yeah, very stressful. Although if you're gonna
be watching it, a good place to give up is
the Fly episode, which is uh oh, that's the one
(47:51):
where I went I'm out and I never went back.
I don't care what happens at the end. They wasted
an hour of my time with that fucking episode. I
will never get that time back. Like when I was
watching Breaking Bad, I was like, Okay, I recognize that
this is an incredible show, Like, wow, this is incredible,
incredible writing, incredible acting. I recognize it's incredible. Am I
(48:13):
enjoying myself? No, it's like when I watch a comedian
where the jokes are like expertly written and I'm like, wow,
that's a great joke. That's a great joke, and I
laughing or having fun. No, it's confusing, you know. It
kind of reminds me of like getting Uh have you
ever sucked somebody who's so good at sex? And it
feels like you're just like um getting serviced, Let like
at a car dealership, Like you're just it's like getting
(48:36):
your car service. You just walk in and you're like,
this is great. I admire your skills, but I'm not
connected to you at all. That's what breaking bad felt like.
Wow wow, Um, that's a really really expert metaphor. Oh
I wish I could um relate, but um, I'm too pittient.
(48:56):
So um wait can you hear that? Can you hear
my TV in the background? No, I can't hear ship. Um.
So one thing about Justin and you know everyone knows
I am a deeply sensitive person. When I saw him
(49:18):
like on that Comedy Central roast, which was right when
or proceeding or directly before the um he released purpose
when he was like trying to make a comeback and
they made him do that roast, and I saw him
forcing a smile. I've never seen someone in deeper pain,
like every joke was just killing him inside, hurting him.
(49:43):
Every joke that was said was literally like a grenade
in his soul. And then after he took that absolute
beating at like the most vulnerable time in his life,
they made him apologize at the end and say, hey,
like I just want to let you guys know I'm
gonna be better for you. And and I was like,
(50:04):
this is the saddest shit I've ever seen. I know,
I really fucking hated that. That was like, yeah, I
thought he was, like, I mean, he's That's the thing
that I love about Justin is that he, uh, there's
no male celebrity that I think has has been treated
(50:26):
more like a woman really um in terms of like
how he's criticized and and the amount of criticism that
he gets and how he's like just kind of forced
to like apologize and prove himself all over again. It's
like he it's I don't know, there's something about him
(50:48):
that's so uh just sweet and like human and doesn't
feel like you feel bad that he has been miss
for as long as he has and and somehow still
is so vulnerable and so like like clearly believes in
the good of human beings, and I'm just like, I
(51:11):
don't know how he does it, because if I was him,
I would I would truly believe that the entire world
was out to get me. There's no way that I
could make music. There's something so vulnerable about making music
for people out I wish to God I could see
because I would do that way over comedy. Um, I
would love the relief of just being intensely sincere would
(51:36):
be a huge relief to me. But to be famous
on that scale, to have the whole world know who
you are, would just be like, I don't know how
these people aren't crippled with anxiety. I skipped the Epstein
(51:59):
documentary of Can Believe It? I can't. That's crazy. You're sick.
You wait for the day they come out. It's so
fucked up. I was like trying to find something to
watch with my husband the other night, and I had
made it, had made a very merried agreement to have sex,
and um, you pre agreed. I was like, we will
(52:20):
have sex tonight. Okay, It's it had been like a week.
I was like, we gotta funk tonight. So um, we
sit down to watch TV and it's just just every
single show is just women being brutalized, And I was like,
you know, I don't know if this is me or
just my algorithm, but like all I'm seeing are just
(52:43):
just women being murdered, Like yeah, pedophile documentaries. I'm like,
how is there anything on Netflix that isn't this and
also isn't a Hallmark movie about somebody you know going
back to her shitty hometown. Essentially, it's nuts, Like I
(53:04):
had I used to like try to make a bit
about that, but like how you know, Netflix would be like, yeah,
I hope there's a new crop of murderers because we
gotta get out that content. You know, we need a
freshman class of murderers to keep this train going. I'm like,
how am I supposed to watch this and then funk
my husband? Like, well, that seems like what you always do. Listen,
(53:27):
I get through it the documentaries, not sex with my husband.
I never get through that. I always fall asleep. I
can't believe you still watch them, because you know, I
was watching them for a while because I was like, oh,
I have to do my duty to watch them because
(53:49):
that's the only way these guys get arrested. It's like,
all right, it's like, if a documentary comes out of them,
it is the only way that justice doesn't even work anymore.
Because Cosby got released before he got released in time
to watch his own fucking documentary, they hadn't finished making it,
(54:09):
and they're like in the middle of shooting it, and
they were like, oh wait, yeah, out, yeah, I know.
I know we're gonna be on like a festival line
up with him soon. Can't wait. Um No, I had
to stop watching them because I was like, yeah, I know,
I feel like I need to do my part, but
it's just for the best. I'm no longer going to
(54:30):
participate in the trades. You're still in it though. Wow,
we really got on a tangent. Yeah, okay, So I
just want to say, so you demed with um his mom, like,
what were you guys chatting about? Well, I had made
a podcast with Karin Fisher, sure I remember, yeah, And
(54:54):
and you know, she had found out about it and
she d to me and she was like, I'm listening
to your podcast and uh, contrary to your opinion, I
am not attracted to my son. And that's fair, was
the message. She said. I know you're joking around, but
(55:18):
and you guys are very funny. She was very sweet.
Oh that's so she's she had a sense of humor.
She had a sense of humor. She was very sweet.
It was very clearly a joke, and she said she
knew that, but it was kind of one of those
things where I could tell it bothered her, and and
of course it did, because when it's your son, you're like,
(55:38):
I mean, this was before I was even like thinking
about having kids or like what that feels like. And uh,
now that I know, now that I have friends that
have had children, I'm like, I feel so bad that
we did that because we had no idea. Like, it's
just you're the You're the most vulnerable ever that you've
(56:00):
ever been. And so she reached out and she was like,
I know you're joking, but that's you know, I'm not
attracted to my son. Oh my god. And then I
think initially I found it so funny, but then I
started to like put myself in her shoes and I
just started lying. I just started telling her that I
read the Bible every day. And what does she hears this? Well,
(56:24):
I think, well you are, but now you are a
develout follow up. Christ I've admitted it before that I
was lying to her out of sheer panic. It's that's crazy,
like of all the things we say. That's my problem
with podcasts like there Forever and like we're just joking around.
We mean no harm. Yeah, no, it's it means nothing
(56:45):
at all, like I obviously, but anyway, I paniced. I
started telling her that I read the Bible every day
and I am really spiritual and m I don't know
what I was trying to do. I was like, maybe
she'll invite me to go to church, you know, and
she'll be my mother in law. Oh my god, Okay, Um,
(57:05):
I'm single at the time. So it was, and so
was he. Yeah, that was a crazy podcast. I forgot
you had a podcast just about Justin Bieber. Yeah. Andy,
I'm doing a podcast and I was actually on the
podcast and I talked about Owen Wilson. Do you think
that Owen Wilson is going to come on this podcast eventually?
(57:27):
I believe in you, and I believe that Owen will
hear this, and I believe that he will come on
this podcast because he does know about the live show. Yeah,
and I don't see why he wouldn't, you know. I
think eventually that's where this task to go. So I
think personally that he would, Um, what was I saying? Anyway,
(57:48):
I believe that you and Owen Wilson will join together
in holy matrimony and he'll come on the podcast and
listen to your story and you guys will be together
forever the end. Well, that's very nice. I don't see
a romantic feature for us, as I hum, you know,
very serious and looking for my life partner right now.
And uh, you know, he's got a lot going on.
He has three kids already and no, it's whatever, but
(58:10):
I would love to have kids. Yeah, it's three kids,
and I'm looking to have kids in my own I
really want to have a kid. Um, but I gotta
make one with him. You know, I don't know. I
don't know how his marriage is doing, and I hope
that it works out. I don't think he's married right now,
but I'm not sure. But I don't no, no, no,
I'm not. I don't think I want someone in the business.
(58:31):
I think I just want a regular to Yeah. Right,
if Owen Wilson showed up and I was like, I
wanna I want to marry you, you would be like, no,
I don't want somebody in the business. I think he's
like twenty years or twenty five years older or something
than me. Yeah, but he probably like eats. You know
what are those things? Stem cells for breakfast and nuts. Okay, well, yeah,
(58:55):
maybe he will come on. That would be really cool.
I hope that that how because you know, Demi Moore
did text him about the show, is how he found out. Yeah,
hopefully we can get on the podcast. Oh that's what
you I think, that's what you do. You get Demi
one and then when Demi comes on, Owen's gonna listen,
(59:17):
and then he's gonna be like, I gotta follow up
about this. You think he listens to podcast because like,
I don't listen to the podcasts. That's because you're a
comedian and your friends make them. Yeah, Um, I listen
on a ton of actors that make podcasts. I'm sure
they listen to podcasts, right, Okay, Yeah, I think Rob
Low has a podcast, but I don't know what he
(59:38):
talks about on there. I mean nobody, I don't know. Um, okay,
well you did briefly mention it. The way that we
cap off our episodes is with a segment called fan
on the Street on the Stree and um, I think
(01:00:01):
and it's if you have a fun celebrity encounter and
we will have future listeners in the future right in
about theirs. But I'd love to hear yours. You did
mention it is it true or not true that you
got a tip that Justin was on the Bowery and
sometimes you're doing and took a cab to find him. Yeah,
(01:00:24):
yeah I did. But to be fair, which that makes
it sound the way you put it makes it sound
a little insane. Okay, really, what about it makes it
sound insane that I stopped what I was doing like
I was in the middle of something important. Really was
interesting because I got a text and all to find
(01:00:44):
Justin Bieber. What happened was I was on the couch
watching Handmaid's Tale, so obviously miserable. Okay, we both regret
ever watching that show because it's sadist. Truly, I don't
have gret. I have my one regret in life is
that I watched the first season of that show. I'm pissed.
(01:01:04):
Oh awful, I mean, just misery porn. We watched it
together and we were screaming. Yeah. So I was watching
that and I was obviously dying for an escape, and
I got a tip from a source. Who is the source,
I can't say, okay, but you have your own Lucian Wiggles,
(01:01:29):
a reliable source, and I it just said, Justin Bieber's
at the Bowery Hotel right now with Haley. And I
was like, well, the Bowery Hotel is right across the
Williamsburg Bridge, and I can call it lift right now
because I'm in my pajamas that also double as streetwear.
Oh yes, love this. So I hopped in a lift.
(01:01:53):
I flew over the Williamsburg Bridge, got out, walked through
the Bowery Hotel to the bar. Saw him leaning up
against the bar with Haley, and I thought, they're in
the middle of a conversation. I'm gonna wait right outside.
I'll just wait. So I'm standing there and I was like,
(01:02:17):
I don't know if they ever gonna go. They could
be staying here tonight. I don't know where they are.
You know, he did not have his security. He was
kind of like meandering around New York City without his
security at the time, sort of spreading his wings as
as a young celeb. And when he came out, I
I grabbed him. I won't say grabbed. I would say
(01:02:37):
I I touched him on the shoulder with my right hand,
and uh, he turned around and he goes, what m hm,
And I thought, I'm gonna cry. Oh my god, this
is a moment. This is my this is my once
every three months moments, the accountant because I just piste
(01:03:01):
off Justin Bieber and uh, and so I quickly shifted
into survival mode, you know what I mean. I just
started like throwing compliments at him, just started like spewing
like I'm so happy for you and Haley and just
anything I could do to just suck their dick as
a couple, right, just I just love you gout, which
(01:03:22):
was true. It was true. I did. I really wanted
them to be together. I thought they made a really
cute couple. And uh, the second I said that, he
was like, thank you so much. She's my world. I
love her, She's so great, and and he really sort
of changed, his whole demeanor changed. And then I was like,
(01:03:44):
can I get a picture with both of you? And
they took a picture with me, and his hand was
you know, it was a little bit of an optical illusion,
but it kind of looks like it's touching my tip
in the photo. Wow, that's that's um, just only fate
could have done that. I'm I am still working on
getting it framed. I was gonna say, because like I
(01:04:06):
know you're very particular about your frames that you're gonna
put that in your house. You know, it doesn't really
go with any of the walls. Right now. Were they
a beautiful in person? Like was it's done? It? Because
like they look so beautiful. They are gorgeous. They're gorgeous.
I mean their celebrities in their twenties, right they have
(01:04:28):
all the money in the world, because all the money
in the world just meandering around New York City and
they're in love. So it was like the very getting stages.
So you know when somebody's falling in love, they just
kind of like glow, they like look more confident. There
I was. I was thrilled for them, I really was.
And I thought they were so cute together, um, and
(01:04:50):
I thought it was really nice that he was out
with her without his security. He was like, I want
to be with just her, even if it means that
this psycho is gonna follow me from Bowery down to
West third Street, which I totally ship. If I, Oh,
my god, I would if I were him, I would
never go out with security. I don't want people doing that.
(01:05:13):
That's nuts. You would never you would never go out
without security if I was like that, like which just
seems like a nightmare. I don't know how these people
like I can totally see how they become recklesses. You know, yeah, totally,
it's crazy. Would be nuts. Yeah, I mean I was
part of the problem in this story, but you had
(01:05:34):
to go for it. It was it was like a
moment in time. And aren't you glad you did? You
would have regretted. And the reason, I should say, the
reason why I followed him for that long was so
that I knew where he was so that Karin could
meet him, because I had a friend who was equally obsessed.
And I was like, I'll keep my distance, but I
just want I want to make sure that Karin gets
(01:05:54):
a chance to him. Did she meet him? Yes? Wow,
that what a night. She was on stage and I
texted her Justin's at the Bowery Hotel. And then by
the time she got off stage, he had left, and
she was like, where is he? And I was like,
I guess I'll follow him. I guess I'm following it.
Oh my god, you know what I mean. I was like,
(01:06:15):
I was torn between respecting personal privacy and being loyal
to my friend while sometimes two of your valued morals
conflict with one another. Oh should they do? Yeah, that happens.
That should does happen. Oh my god, you say that
(01:06:37):
like a woman that's got experience with this. Yeah, am
I wrong? I don't know what you're talking about. Anyways,
it's there's gonna do a podcast where she's the only
one who is allowed to have a mic. Yeah, I
(01:07:02):
don't know what you're talking about. So anyways, it was
UM just such a treat to have you on UM.
And I want to thank you for taking the time
out of your day. And I just find your fascination
with Justin Bieber and your devotion to your face still inspiring.
And I really do hope you'll come back and see
(01:07:23):
us at the Deal Wilson the podcast. I would love to.
I would absolutely love to. And UH, I just want
to say thank you for your extreme honesty and journalism, UH,
your devotion to me UH as a friend, and mostly
(01:07:45):
for UH constantly constantly encouraging me to get better and
better and my impression of you. I love you. I
love you too. I'm gonna have be arrested. Goodbye, bye,
have a good day. Enjoy hell song. Thank you so much. Bye.
(01:08:27):
Thank
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Dear and Wilson Podcast.
I am so excited for you guys to hear this episode.
It was so much fun because it features my absolute
best friend in the world, Rosebud Baker. We had such
a good time. You may know Rosebud from her many
appearances on Comedy Central, her special Whiskey Fists, and from
(00:25):
being a writer on SNL Right Now and Uh make
sure you check out her podcast Find Your Beach with
her co host Andy Haynes. And also she wants to
let you know that she will be co headlining at
Just for Last Vancouver May through nine with Brian Simpson,
(00:45):
our other buddy hilarious friend. For me, I will again
want to tell you about and I will be doing
an hour of new material at the Allegian Theater in
l A on Monday, June six at pm. Ticket link
for that will be in the show notes that show,
I will also be having my dear friend Gretel Titleman
on Who's so Much Fun. Also follow me at Blair
(01:08):
Saki on Twitter and Instagram and please rate, subscribe, and
review do this podcast if you want to support and
be my best friend in the world. Okay, please enjoy
this episode. I love you all. Thanks. Oh wow, okay,
(01:32):
welcome to the Dear Own Wilson Podcast with your host
that you guys are obsessed with, Blair Saki. Do I
have a show for you? And look, I know it's
just the first few episodes of this thing. We're just
getting rolling before it turns out to it absolute international
star studded hit. But do I have a surprise for
(01:54):
you today? And in case you're just tuning in for
the first time, I will remind you of this podcast
is a format where I bring on your favorite favorite
comedians personalities to read letters to their favorite celebrities, and
then I interview them after very shrewdly where we have
(02:14):
a great time and I asked the hard hitting questions
for my listeners. So, without further ado, I like to
welcome public enemy number one, my best friend in the world,
just by your personality, rosebud Maker. Everybody. Wow, Blair, Dream, imagine, imagine,
(02:47):
it's just you. I am so excited to be here out. No,
I'm not really nailing it right now, but I was
gonna stop you when you said that you bring on
everyone's favorite personalities because I was like, it's debatable, well
(03:08):
done that I will never forget the impression that you
did that one time, which was absolutely devastating, sort of
became famous around town in New York City. You know
how I nailed it was? There was There was a
day years ago when Blair came to the dentist with
me in place of my emotionally unavailable boyfriend, and I
(03:34):
they had put they had they had done the numbing,
and so one side of my face was paralyzed, and
somehow having use of only one side of my face
allowed me to sort of channel an impression of Blair
that I was able to hang onto for a solid
two years. I'm pretty sure it's slipped away at this point. Okay,
(03:56):
finding out the background on how you nailed that impression
is even more sinister than the impression itself. While it's hurtful. Yeah,
one time, Jake Nordwynd told me that I talked out
of the side of my face and I was like,
what the hell does everyone else know that? And I
don't not wrong, Listen, It's not something that's noticeable unless
(04:19):
you are trying to do an impression of Blair and
you're like, could someone please numb half of my face.
Oh my god. Wow, that's crazy. I hope you never
do it again because too many people were talking about it. Yeah,
it would hurt me. Um. You know when the impression
is too good, it hurts you. Yeah. Uh, well, thanks
(04:43):
for coming on. I know you have about the busiest
schedule in the world. That felt um sinister. No, no,
I mean itself. How is that sinister? It's only a compliment,
like you're you're doing really well out here. Well listen,
thanks so much for saying at Yeah, the tone felt sarcastic,
(05:03):
and maybe maybe I'm projecting because you are My day
is laying on the couch. No, I do have I
think that illness where everything I say it's just like
the tone of my voice. People think that I'm fucking
with him, but I'm being really sincere because, um, yeah,
you are my best friend. And we met eight years ago, um,
(05:26):
which is crazy. Yeah. We met in a in a
small cult known as the Laughing Buddha open Mic in
New York City, which was run by a I think
full blown crackhead. I'm pretty sure he's he might be
on crack, you know, So, I mean talk about sinister,
(05:49):
but some like actually really great comics came out of
that very bad place an organization, and I'm pretty sure
some of the best highs of his life were paid
for by the comedians funding his mathematiction. He had me
barking outside in the snow for six hours every Friday
(06:11):
and Saturday for two five minute spots on the war
shows in the city. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was
fully like a place where if you were a brand
new comedian, like if if you were a young aspiring
artist in New York or l A, there is, um,
there is a world of bottom feeding Ponzi schemists, predators
(06:36):
not not really a word, but um Ponzi schemers that
will sort of just sort of drain you of the
amount of whatever money you have that you're borrowing from
your parents and um, and we fully both just just
fit right in. We were like, remember my dad being like, um,
(07:00):
so you're not getting paid for this, so it's free labor,
just like a fully rational question for a father to ask.
And I was like, Uh, no, one not getting paid.
I'm just lu caring. My arm dad I later, well,
(07:21):
we won't name him. I saw him years later and
he casually said, uh, well you're lucky. You're pretty so
you've gotten a lot of success. And I was like,
I think he meant it to hurt me, but it
was like the deepest compliment I'd ever heard. I was like,
(07:42):
thank you. You know, I never felt that at all
growing up. So to think that any modicle, most success
you think was based on wow, thank you. That's one
thing I learned in comedy that very quickly based off
the compliments that I got from men. They were like,
are very good looking for a comedian, and I went great,
(08:04):
So I'm playing in This is like the special Olympics
for beauty and I am fucking I got a gold medal.
Thank you. What a compliment. I'll take that to my grave.
I love you. It's always such a backhanded compliment, like
you would never say that to a dude. No, it's
(08:27):
always it's always something that's like, listen, you don't need
to have an ounce of talent. Yeah yeah, let me
just take you down seven pegs because I'm having a
bad day. Right. All you need to do is sit
outside of my fake comedy club in thirteen degree weather
and pay me five five dollars for seven hours of
(08:50):
free labor. I'm paying you five dollars that is what happened, folks.
We paid five dollars. We paid five dollars for as
of free labor. It was the most backwards saying. I
can't believe we did it. The indignities of comedy just
(09:11):
continue forever. Like even when things are going well, oh
my god, I've been picked up in vans in the
middle of the Midwest with perfect strangers from the airport.
Just yeah, this van is gonna show up and take
you to the club. You're like, yeah, no problem. They
bring you to some fucking some room that you're You're like,
(09:33):
are you sure this is the Organs And you're like,
you like the hotels in the alley. They're like, yeah,
you're just gonna lift just pop the lid off that dumpster,
you put a lamp in that. Someone will pick you
up at seven for the show. And you're like, thank
(09:55):
you so much. I don't want to be difficult, but
is there gonna I'm so deeply grateful. I'm not a
problem at all. I'm gonna be honest. The more I
do the road, the more I'm like, women really shouldn't
do comedy. I really don't think. I'm like, we deserve better. Yeah,
(10:18):
my dad has been saying. He's like, why did you
choose that life? Like you had a lot going for you.
He's like, you'll hire your education. Everything was aliveed. I know, God,
what a nightmare. I remember sitting in like I won't
(10:38):
name it. It It was very nice club, right, it was
a very nice club. And I remember coming in and
I was I was in a ship mood and I
was complaining and somebody goes, stop being spoiled, and I
looked at him and I go, do you know the
world that I come from? I was like, I go,
even even if I make it, this is still a downgrade.
(11:04):
You're asking you need to forget everything I already know.
Oh God, hilarious. Okay, all right now, without further ado,
I would love if you would read your letter before
we get into our heart hitting interview. Okay, Dear Justin Bieber,
(11:26):
It's been years since I wrote my letter to you
and read it on Dear O and Wilson the Live Show.
Forty five seconds of that letter has been posted to
YouTube for two and a half years now, and still
I haven't heard back. Look. I know you're busy. You
have a wife and six teen backup dancers to look
(11:48):
after But how many of your fans can you honestly say,
have put the time and effort that I have into
letting you know how much they appreciate you. I had
a podcast devoted to you for years. I stopped to
you outside the Bowery Hotel, grabbed you by the shoulder
and said hello to you. And you're soon to be wife.
(12:11):
I've d m with your mother for Christ's sake on Twitter.
Speaking of Christ, I'm looking forward to the documentary Hillsong
exposed on Discovery. Plus. I think we've all learned a
valuable lesson since your pastor got caught cheating. And what
is that lesson? I'll tell you what I think it is.
(12:35):
Even married men of God should get a hall pass
once in a while. You're fucking sick, look justin. I
don't want to be gross. You're a married man. I'm
a married woman writing this letter in a notebook I
bought on Christmas break in my husband's hometown. But every
(12:56):
so often, when your hair isn't dreaded, consider giving me
me a call. I Love you by Rosebud. PS. There
is a PS. I watched the COVID concert documentary. You've
still got it anybody who doesn't appreciate the raw fucking
talent you are, I hope they fall into a very
(13:18):
icy river in their best fucking sneakers. When I had COVID,
watching that concert did for me what watching Rocky does
for men detoxic and rehab. Made me believe I could
redeem myself without doing any work to prove it. And
that's all. Wow, folks, you heard it here first, that's
(13:43):
rosebud Baker to Justin Bieber out there, Oh my god. Yeah,
it's just a thrill to have you on. You know,
you're a real hit on the live show. Thinks some
secrets were exposed that day on that show. Yeah, let's
get started, and just you know, if you can just
try to keep calm during these questions. I know some
(14:03):
of them could be a little crazy, but they're all
Lucian's fallow. None of it's coming from me anyway. I'm
just gonna say this, Uh, if I don't like any
of the questions, I will be responding with my full name,
address and uh personal information, so they have to bleep
out any response that I have. UM, and I'll just
(14:24):
say this, I am not worried. Okay, it started, folks,
when Bieber was twelve years old. According to Lucian Wiggles,
He's sang Neo is so sick for a local singing
competition in Stratford and he placed second. Do we think
(14:45):
it's fair that he became famous and not the kid
who placed first? I think it's fair. Yeah. I think
the question you should be asking is do we think
it's fair that he placed second when he was justin Bieber? Wow? Okay?
A reframe. A reframe in the spiritual world is when
(15:07):
you flip something into a different perspective, which Drowse about
just demonstrated. I want to to just add that a
reframe is known in a court of law as a
good argument. That's what that's you know, depends on where
your value is. Sure, sure did you learn that from
your family that's high in government? Do you trust the
(15:30):
US government or spiritual grifters? Um? I don't know. I
would say that there is Bernie Sanders. Look, I didn't
vote for Veryan Williamson, if you can believe it. I
know that shock came to some people, but I actually
really wish you wouldn't have run um crushing just so
(15:53):
crushing thing that could have happened yeah, because I loved
her books. And then I was like, honey, you know,
I know you're coming from a place, but this is
not gonna I thought that was actually one of the
best things that could happen to white women was to
the just see see one of their heroes fall. Oh yeah, yeah,
(16:15):
thank you for loving my pain. Okay, next question. Beaver's
ancestry includes French, Canadian, Irish, English, Scottish and German. Would
you say that Justin is white with a capital H
as in quite? Yeah? Yeah, yes, you're gonna go with
(16:36):
yes on that one. I'm gonna go with Did you
say German? Yeah? Yeah, if there's like even a little
bit of German, I don't we don't care. I don't care.
You're Jewish, You're you're you're still white white. Um, so
do you are you German? That's going to be that's
(16:56):
gonna be a moment, that's gonna be. Yeah. Can you
buy is gonna make that into a six second clip
that I can plus on the internet because I'm gonna
have a Bippy Goldberg moment. Okay, well we'll cut that
part out. Um, do you want just just make it
(17:18):
an affirmative? Yes, I would say He's absolutely as white
as a fucking paper towel. Okay, we'll move on to
the next question. You have German in you though you
seem like you have a German vibes. No I don't,
it's just a lack of sense of humor. Okay. Um.
When Scooter Braun first contacted Justin's mother, oh my god,
(17:39):
this question is an interesting follow up, Schwen Scooder Braun
first contacted Justin's mother, your dear friend. She was initially
reluctant because of bronze Judaism. She prayed, God, I gave
him to you. You could send me a Christian man
a Christian label. However, church elder is convinced her to
(18:00):
let be her goal with Braun. Please tell us what
in the fuck was that about? And do you go
to Hillsong Church in New York City. I'm gonna say,
and I this could be fully this is one of
those things where you could be making this up, and
I would still believe that it was true based off
(18:22):
of what I know about me, about you and about Patty,
who I am on a first name basis right right
right now? You know, I what the funk was that about?
I guess it was um. You know, she had to
(18:44):
reach deep down into her Christian heart and asked God
if she should stop being anti Semitic, right right, and
you know God probably answered her with, hey, Jesus was Jewish, right,
Jesus was Jewish, which is probably the most that probably
(19:06):
helped her out a little bit financially and spiritually. Yeah,
and then Justin went on to like, you know, collaborate
with like every rapper and like all all sorts of
um different people in the world. So I don't know
what she was doing there, thinking she just wanted him
to be a Christian singer. I guess just like my
dad wanted me to be married with three kids in
(19:28):
Newport Beach right now, right, and we saw, you know,
we see where expectations get you. So your kids come
through you, all right through you. They're not of you, Okay.
So I do feel like you are avoiding the question
if you're a parishoner at Hillsong Church. Have I been
(19:52):
to Hillsong for research and by research I mean to
try to find Austin and maybe maybe lay a hand
on him. Yeah, I've been once. Well you're like, I
mean absolutely not. I would just call it just a fan.
(20:12):
Oh my god, that's a reframe. Uh well, it's funny.
I kind of wanted to see. I wanted to see
what the what the fuss was about. You know, everybody
loves hill Song, everyone with like tons of money loves
Hill Song. And I just thought, let me go see
what this is all about. And I went, and Um,
it turns out it's just like it's like John Mayer's
(20:33):
your Body is a Wonderland for Jesus. That's what the
whole thing is. It's just like getting wet for Jesus. Yeah.
And then the pastor had like ripped abs and ship
and You're like, why am I seeing this pastor's abs?
And it's like, all right, he looks exactly like my
ex that used to slap me around my god, dear
own Wilson exclusive exclusive was. But I actually went to
(21:02):
Hillsong early on in two thousand twelve when I moved
to New York, because I was still at that point,
despite me making a hard turn into becoming an artist,
I would still go to church and like try to
connect with God even though you know, I'm not like
a religion gal um. And so I went and I
(21:22):
becoming an artist, you mean relinquishing your God and replacing
it with with um booze and people in flannel shirts.
Why I never oh, oh dear, oh dear folks, between
(21:43):
the two of us, there are some bodies that have
been buried. Okay, so just skip over that one, all right. Anyways,
I'm aound myself deeply hungover heading on a Sunday to
hill Song because I do want to see what the
fuss was about. Because you know, when I was young,
like in growing up in Orange, Honey, I would sometimes
get invited by a friend to one of these cool churches,
(22:05):
and um, once in a while I would go and
they would have like an incredible rock band with like
these hot dudes, and like I'd be so moved by
their Christian rock and just like in love with the
guys in the bed, you know. Yeah, yeah, you could
just see him up there with their thick hands like
just reaching towards the sky, broad shoulders. Yeah, like I
(22:29):
just want to hold hands and watch the sunset with
this guy, right, But they just fell deep into the church,
even though I don't know how. So what happens Listen,
I mean, the same thing happened to Justin. He's put out.
I think probably two different Christian albums now and I
love them just as much as his other albums. That's
(22:50):
your holy ass, I do. Yeah, Yeah, I love God.
I love God My God. Uh not, well, I don't
know who their god is Hillsong Church I at once anyways, Okay,
so it is Johnny Depp. That is not Johnny Depp,
I said hills Songs god is. Oh really does Johnny
Depp go to hill Song? No? But everybody, all the
(23:12):
priestures and pastors dressed like him. You know, they've all
got a lot of like accessories and leather and low
V neck, a low V neck. There is nothing more
vile A hot take that could get me canceled. But
(23:39):
I just wanted on the record. I fucking hate those
wide brimmed hats. Those felt, wide brimmed hats on men
make me want to die, Like these silver Lake hipsters,
I think. I just like, uh, it's just not for me. No,
it's funny because it feels like a hat that a
detective design for himself. And then and then immediately went, well,
(24:01):
this just makes me far too obvious. The only man
that can get a pass for the end of time
wearing one of those hats is Walton Goggins. Everyone else
needs to stop immediately. For some reason, it's authentic to him,
Like I just see him drinking in old fashioned at
his cabin wearing it, you know, But everyone else can stop. Yeah,
(24:23):
if you're not in a movie that shot only in
black and white, I I don't want to see in
one of those hats. They're everywhere in Hollywood. You can't.
You can't walk one block without zeeing them. Truly the worst.
All right, so you are a faithful parioner at Hill.
Sound good? Okay? So um, next question. No, I think
(24:48):
everyone knows that you're a devout follower of Christianity. You're
a christ I just want to say this. I think
everyone knows what a great journalist you are. Oh, I know.
That is the feedback I have been getting even though
this podcast hasn't been released yet. The important thing is
that people don't trust the media anymore, but you can
(25:09):
trust podcasters like Blair. I know. Well, yeah, I am
number one podcast here because I saw a hole in
the market and I thought I need to fill it.
Let me deliver the facts to these people. Rosebud is
a devout parishioner of Hillsong Church. Nobody knew that about you.
(25:31):
I'm in the documentary before the podcast, I'm in the
documentary you guys. So Rosebud Billie Eilish apparently used to
be obsessed with Justin Bieber. She has said that she
used to sop over her Justin Bieber obsession and almost
(25:55):
had to go to therapy for it. Used to what
over her sob sob over her obsession. She felt her
love for him was so deep that she felt she
needs to go to therapy for it, which is crazy
because I think she's only like twenty years old. Anyways,
how much do you relate to Billy And why do
(26:16):
you have to go to therapy for your obsession with
Justin Bieber? What'sen? I got to go to therapy for
a lot of reasons. I think Justin is more a
symptom of why I need to go to therapy than
the reason I need to go to therapy, if I'm
being completely honest. Have have there been nights when I
(26:38):
watched clips of Justin performing on Instagram where I have
shed a tear silently in bed, either next to my
husband or alone before I met him? Yeah, Wow, that's
interesting that you bring that up because, um, I was
wondering in addition to that, why is it that you
(27:01):
can only reach sexual climax while watching serial killer documentaries,
especially to the most grotesque parts like House on a
Hunted Hill. That's easy because I have reached a point
in my life where everything is stable and I'm trying
to get my kicks where I can. Wow. Okay, you
(27:21):
have forced me to watch things that I would have
never come into contact with, which is so confusing because
you're a devout Christian. I mean, God is in the details.
I don't know where that, what that means so or why.
It's just it's just what my brain farted out. But
can we go back a second to which part? Can
(27:44):
we go back to the part where I cried watching
Justin Bieber clips? That sure? Please? Please? Because who among
us has not enjoyed culture? You know? Oh my god?
Among us has not shed a tear at the opera?
(28:05):
You sound like you're on drugs, But have you ever
been to the opera? Does still exists? I don't know
the um this in in Justin Bieber clips on Instagram.
I'll tell you that, wow, because you don't cry a lot,
I cry away I'm really I cry away more than you.
(28:28):
That's not true. I cry a lot. It's just every
three months, once a fiscal quarter, once a fiscal quarter.
Everything in between gets shoved down and sort of turns
into ant or a ball inside my solar plexus. And
(28:48):
then about once a quarter, once a fiscal quarter, I
give a call to my accountant and I say, hey,
I think we're due for a little uh liquidating. Oh
my god. And that's who tells me it's okay to cry,
and so I do. And he usually happens when I'm
asking them to explain to me how money works. Right right?
(29:11):
The money is um so interesting. I love it. I
love money. Um okay, So Justin has many times I've
called my fucking accountant been like, hey, can you describe
to me like what this is or like what this means?
And chill like start to do it, and I'll be
like I gotta go by. I don't your accountant as
(29:34):
a woman, that's your first problem. Brains are too small. No,
I'm I'm actually protecting his identity. Oh I'm also trying
to fight stereotypes. Right right, somebody asked you, not me? Um.
Justin has said that he was heavily influenced by Justin
timber Lake and Chris Brown. Do you also cite Chris
(29:57):
Brown as the main influence in your life? Um? Did
I know Chris Brown had hit Rihanna before I started
dating a man? Who? Uh? You know this question? By
the way, huh. Lucien Wiggles wrote this question. By the way,
I'm sure. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he did, Lucien. Um,
(30:21):
would I say he was a he's a valuable influenced Yeah? Sure,
what sure? No fuck is wrong with you? You know
Chris Brown, He's he's like a lot those crazy fists.
Let me tell you something. If you're going to date
a guy that hits you, at least at least you
dated one that was fucking talented. Mine was a fucking
(30:46):
loser who never paid rent. And I hope he's listening.
I truly hope he's listening. I'm taking my name off
of everything I ever did with you, you loser. Anyway,
that's a funny one to be If he actually listened
to this podcast, he probably he would never listen to
anything that I did. Um, unless he was quoted in it.
(31:10):
You probably will hear this because what people don't know
is I actually got paid two hundred and one million
dollars to start this podcast. It's just one million dollars
over what Joe Rogan was paid. And so I do
anticipate that I will be getting in a lot of
trouble for this podcast, even though most of it is
Lucien with gos fault. Right. Well, I I'll be there.
I'll stand by you, you know, thanks. I'll be the
(31:32):
first to be like I stand with Blaire. You're gonna
tweet that and then Tim Dillon is gonna retweet it
and say sometimes it takes a real New Yorker, sometimes
it takes a village, Okay, Um? Moving on. Um. In
fall of Justin Biever worked with Tim Horton's to launch
(31:56):
a specialty version of Tim Bitts nose known as tim Beebes.
Yes it makes sense of detail, Please explain what the
fun Tim bieb is. But Tim biebe is. Um, it's
the inside of a doughnut. We've all seen donut holes, yeah,
and this is just the Canadian version of a donut hole.
(32:19):
That is uh, this just same size as a regular
donut hole. Look at Justin Bieber's name on it, and
so and so it tastes better. Right, taste already obvious.
It tastes like Christ and tattoos. Tastes like Christ. Tattoos,
nice dance moves and sex with Haley Bieber? Wow, how
(32:43):
do you feel about Haley Bieber? Do you see her
as a thread or do you think she's a good
match for Justin or what's going on there? I don't
see her as a threat at all. I think they
make a great couple. Supportive. I'm very supportive of him
and his marriage. I'm also supportive if he wants to
step away from it for a night. I had to
disagree with you. I'm sorry about this when you said
(33:06):
that every man should have a Hall pass. Listen, I
want to support him in whatever he chooses to do. Uh,
you know, sorry, I'm a loyal fan. Right. It's just
interesting because I actually think all men should be jailed,
but you think they should have Hall passes. How the
(33:28):
funk is Justin Bieber gonna tour if he's in jail?
There and laughter and song when he was jailed. You
can't jail a bird. You can't cadge a bird, that's right.
But let him fly, you know, for all the just
(33:50):
crazy laughs and you know, ha ha sort of thing, uh,
personality of that I would do, I will be honest.
I did go to one concert uh in November, the
first in years because of COVID or whatever, with Dave
and Paul, and it was the mog of Jordan's concert.
Um since they that you should look them up. They're
(34:11):
really good. You would love them because they're Bibery type
of music. Yeah, and David was like playing soul cycle, um,
something that's just like hot dance music, like sexy dance music. Okay,
but I was so overtaken suddenly surprised at the concert
where I was like, oh my god, live music because
(34:32):
I hadn't experienced it that I did, and I was
so into it that I did, like surprisingly get teary
out of nowhere, and Dave and Paul were like, it's
wrong with you, but I was just so happy. It
was like it was tear of joy. I still to
this day I have not seen justin Bieber alive. And
we're gonna go. I don't know what it's gonna take
(34:55):
because this man cancels tours like like I do. I
was just gonna say it sounds like someone else I know,
well we're both Pisces. I know you can't. You can't
really tie us down. You know. You know what's crazy
is like all of the people I love in my
life or Pisces that actually is crazy. That is a
(35:17):
reason to go to therapy. Yeah, I know, I'm in it,
been in it for a while, probably will be until death.
It's good. Um. I love to just go deep and
examine and the abyss you know. Yeah, yeah, I don't
think any I don't think any therapist is ever gonna
be able to help you with that because it's with
the Pisces problem, because I I think that's sort of like, uh,
(35:37):
just a defect of your character that you like Pisces. Yeah,
I ready to God to relieve me of it. Um,
But look, pices are too I mean, listen as your friends.
I hope, I hope to free you from my own presence. No,
you'll never get away from me, um. Actually, Pisces are
the least of my problems. My big problem was Gemini is.
(35:58):
They always ruined in my live. I can't get away
from those motherfucker's. Yeah, now that's wrong. No, Geminis flocked
to me like white on rice. Geminis are that's gonna
make the worst joke. You know what, you have to
(36:19):
say some things that we can leave in the podcast.
This podcast, this podcast is gonna be ten minutes long.
So moving on. Bieber has not been interested and updating.
Say that again, what's it up? Do you want to
(36:44):
repeat that? Justin? Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber, who this podcast
is about. I said he is not interested in obtaining
US citizenship. According to Lucian wiggles And has praised Canada
(37:04):
as being the best country in the world, citing it's
mostly government funded healthcare system as a model example. However,
in September, it was reported that Beaver had begun the
process of becoming an American citizen following his marriage to
Hayley Baldwin. Would you, personally, wrote Bob Baker, accept a
(37:24):
reject beaver citizenship application if you work for the U. S.
Citizen and Immigration Services, And also do you agree with
ice Jesus Christ. You know, I just want to say,
right off the bat, yeah, that that question. Yeah? Who
(37:47):
would have been edited down to the last two sentences.
Oh no, no, no, no, there's a lot of We
didn't need to bring up his past. No, no, there
is that's what you call gotcha journalism. Okay, No, there
is um no economy of words on this podcast. You
wish bitch, okay, um, okay, please answer the question. I
stand you like ice that goes in your water? Love it? Okay,
(38:14):
and so because it's not an immigration officer, right, and
then you're against it. I don't know. I don't know
what the correct whatever, the correct answer is ice question.
I'm just gonna go with the right one. Sure, sure, sure,
there are no traps here. By the way, Absolutely, that
was a trap. There's no traps here. This is dissolutely.
(38:34):
Oh no, you just did whatever ice is, which I
know it's bad. Yeah, what you just did to me
was just as bad. Oh no, that's not too Definitely
not no, absolutely not. Um. Lucien wrote that question. Lucien
Wiggles wrote that question. So that has absolutely nothing to
do with me. I'm just the reporter doing the work.
Lucian Wiggles is not a real name. Well then, how
(38:58):
do you explain My friend Lucien Wiggles is my private
investigator that I met at the Current River while fishing
for croducts, who writes a motorcycle and only wears cargo
pants and has no known family and refuses my friendship
a lot of the times. This is the same story
that I would tell my parents if I had snuck out.
So you're saying you Rosebud. So you you're saying you
(39:21):
rose mud my actual best friend in the world. Don't
believe that I have a private investigator named Lucian Wiggles
that I met in the current River? The what river?
The current River? Yeah, no, that's not no. I'm gonna
go ahead and go out on a limb and I'm
gonna I'll blow this podcast up. You say it right now.
(39:42):
You're supposed to be family, and you're we're supposed to
be family. You know, I'm Italian and how that I
value family And you're saying that you're gonna cross me
right now publicly that I don't have a private investigator
named Lucian Wiggles. Yeah, I'm gonna say it, Blair. But
say this too. I'll say this too, that if you
(40:06):
were to hire mm a real Lucian Wiggles, I would
I would let him follow me around for you. Oh,
well know, the whole point is that you don't know
that he's None of my friends know that he's there.
That's why you don't believe he's really because you haven't
seen him. Because he's too freaking good at his job
(40:29):
for me to believe. Because I have eyeballs everywhere. I'm
like a spider. I don't know. You're too busy watching
House on the Haunted Hill and watching Justine eyes. Okay,
so Rosebud, your family has a very storied history in
the US. Cover and by the way, I would let
Justin Bieber in as a I would approve his right.
(40:51):
I knew that he apologize. I got off track. Sure, sure, Yeah,
we did get off track there. Yeah. I love that
you kept asking. So you're saying, as my best friend,
the one person on earth who has my back, who
is supposed to have my back from all angles, that
(41:14):
you do not believe that you don't believe in this
lie that I'm telling myself. I'm not telling it. Lie.
Why do you think that it's hard for me? I
have to make so much money being a comedy tycoon.
It's to pay for my full time private investigator. Yeah,
you know what, I'm sorry. I doubted you and I'm sorry. Yeah,
(41:36):
apology accepted. Apology accept that I can't speak for Lucian.
But I'm times sometimes Blair and I want to own this.
Sometimes I forget that friendship is about blind agreement and
that's on me. Yeah, thank you, But you appreciate Wow,
(41:57):
that's great, that's good. I appreciate you coming around. And
so Glee to hill Song is doing a great job. Um,
so respond. Your family has a very sorry Jesus, and
(42:18):
your family has a very storied history in the US government.
Do you also have aspirations to become a politician and
if so, how much will you pay me to not
release our text messages from the last eight years? Do
I have any Uh? I don't have any any sort
of plans to become a politician, right, Okay, I don't.
(42:41):
I don't have any sort of plans to do any
such thing or to become a master negotiator like my
grandfather at the end of the Cold War. Yeah. Yeah,
And you would also if you did design that you
suddenly wanted to be a politician, you would have to
read some books or immigration. You have to know a
(43:02):
couple of things about that. But I don't plan on learning, right, Okay,
But let me say this, what was the second part
of the question. Let me say This was the second
part of the question, how much would you pay me
to not release our text messages from the last eight years?
(43:24):
This is this is formal extortion. I mean, how much
would it take? Damn, I think I'll start the minute
at a minimum, Millie. I don't have a million dollars. Player.
You know what I would do is I would just
if I knew that you were going to release our texts,
(43:47):
I would send you about a thousand nudes just to
distract from the words, just so I knew that no
men would read them. I love that you already thought
about a counter plan, counter defense. Well, listen, you backed
me into a corner. I can think fast. Yeah. Yeah,
(44:08):
that's gonna set a whole bunch of nudes, and I'm
gonna be like, look, it's the leaking of the nudes
that is a problem. Yeah, that's revenge porn and I'm
against that. So I'm actually gonna not um extort you.
I think I just decided, especially since you're such a
good um Christian developed parison there um mentally very agile.
(44:30):
I think you just saw that like oh yeah, sort of,
um yeah, you might as well have a USB port
in the back of my fucking head. That's how my god,
do you think this is a matrix up here? It is?
Okay in my brain? Okay, Rosse, but um you wish
(44:52):
you were Italian? So bad? It's sad hoops, no question
there Um rosebud oh wow wow, okay, Rose, but not
how I remember things Rose. But we've also agree that
Justine's best album this Purpose, which followed his biggest breakdown,
(45:15):
which should be an inspiration to us as the constant
breakdown that is life of stand up comedy. Um, what
do you how do you think that Justin going Forward
is going to produce his music? What is going to
be the genesis and inspiration I'll tell you what is
going to be the genesis and inspiration his relationship with
(45:38):
Jesus Christ. Really, if you if you've been paying attention
to the music that Justin been putting out in the
last like three years, right, this is These are full
blown Christian bangers, right Okay? Yeah, I have sort of
lost sight as I didn't connect as much with them,
but maybe I'll have to look into it. Purpose, I
(45:59):
believe is one of the best albums of all time.
Legitimately it was all like hits um, but I do
see how these pop stars have to hold on too,
like a religion or Christ because there's just so much
pressure on them, Like I can't even imagine. Because our
lives are like slightly public, like a few people know
(46:21):
who we are, and I still have anxiety after every
podcast I do because I'm like, I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that.
Do you have you and I? You and I are
very different in that way because I I tend to
be fully dissociative when it comes to anything that I
say or do publicly. I just I put it out
there and then I forget what I said, which that
(46:44):
does sort of haunt me in in a vague way,
like in the back of my brain. I'll be like, uh,
yelis something's gonna know. But I think that's really helpful because,
like I all every podcast because usually people on every
comedy podcast, I've never listened to one in my life,
but I've done way too many. They just want to
go ask you straight about your deepest trauma and then
(47:06):
like the most sexual relationship questions that they can ask
and every time because it feels like you're just talking
to your friend in the room and you forget people listen,
and then I have people like contact me and be
like I heard that, and I'm like, ship, I thought
nobody was listening. No, it's like you go into a
fugue state. Yeah, you're like I was sleeping a FuG state.
(47:29):
That's what um Walter White said. And Breaking Bad recently
watched it over the pandemic, folks, that's not a show
you want to binge. Could affect your mental health. It's
just very stressful. Yeah, very stressful. Although if you're gonna
be watching it, a good place to give up is
the Fly episode, which is uh oh, that's the one
(47:51):
where I went I'm out and I never went back.
I don't care what happens at the end. They wasted
an hour of my time with that fucking episode. I
will never get that time back. Like when I was
watching Breaking Bad, I was like, Okay, I recognize that
this is an incredible show, Like, wow, this is incredible,
incredible writing, incredible acting. I recognize it's incredible. Am I
(48:13):
enjoying myself? No, it's like when I watch a comedian
where the jokes are like expertly written and I'm like, wow,
that's a great joke. That's a great joke, and I
laughing or having fun. No, it's confusing, you know. It
kind of reminds me of like getting Uh have you
ever sucked somebody who's so good at sex? And it
feels like you're just like um getting serviced, Let like
at a car dealership, Like you're just it's like getting
(48:36):
your car service. You just walk in and you're like,
this is great. I admire your skills, but I'm not
connected to you at all. That's what breaking bad felt like.
Wow wow, Um, that's a really really expert metaphor. Oh
I wish I could um relate, but um, I'm too pittient.
(48:56):
So um wait can you hear that? Can you hear
my TV in the background? No, I can't hear ship. Um.
So one thing about Justin and you know everyone knows
I am a deeply sensitive person. When I saw him
(49:18):
like on that Comedy Central roast, which was right when
or proceeding or directly before the um he released purpose
when he was like trying to make a comeback and
they made him do that roast, and I saw him
forcing a smile. I've never seen someone in deeper pain,
like every joke was just killing him inside, hurting him.
(49:43):
Every joke that was said was literally like a grenade
in his soul. And then after he took that absolute
beating at like the most vulnerable time in his life,
they made him apologize at the end and say, hey,
like I just want to let you guys know I'm
gonna be better for you. And and I was like,
(50:04):
this is the saddest shit I've ever seen. I know,
I really fucking hated that. That was like, yeah, I
thought he was, like, I mean, he's That's the thing
that I love about Justin is that he, uh, there's
no male celebrity that I think has has been treated
(50:26):
more like a woman really um in terms of like
how he's criticized and and the amount of criticism that
he gets and how he's like just kind of forced
to like apologize and prove himself all over again. It's
like he it's I don't know, there's something about him
(50:48):
that's so uh just sweet and like human and doesn't
feel like you feel bad that he has been miss
for as long as he has and and somehow still
is so vulnerable and so like like clearly believes in
the good of human beings, and I'm just like, I
(51:11):
don't know how he does it, because if I was him,
I would I would truly believe that the entire world
was out to get me. There's no way that I
could make music. There's something so vulnerable about making music
for people out I wish to God I could see
because I would do that way over comedy. Um, I
would love the relief of just being intensely sincere would
(51:36):
be a huge relief to me. But to be famous
on that scale, to have the whole world know who
you are, would just be like, I don't know how
these people aren't crippled with anxiety. I skipped the Epstein
(51:59):
documentary of Can Believe It? I can't. That's crazy. You're sick.
You wait for the day they come out. It's so
fucked up. I was like trying to find something to
watch with my husband the other night, and I had
made it, had made a very merried agreement to have sex,
and um, you pre agreed. I was like, we will
(52:20):
have sex tonight. Okay, It's it had been like a week.
I was like, we gotta funk tonight. So um, we
sit down to watch TV and it's just just every
single show is just women being brutalized, And I was like,
you know, I don't know if this is me or
just my algorithm, but like all I'm seeing are just
(52:43):
just women being murdered, Like yeah, pedophile documentaries. I'm like,
how is there anything on Netflix that isn't this and
also isn't a Hallmark movie about somebody you know going
back to her shitty hometown. Essentially, it's nuts, Like I
(53:04):
had I used to like try to make a bit
about that, but like how you know, Netflix would be like, yeah,
I hope there's a new crop of murderers because we
gotta get out that content. You know, we need a
freshman class of murderers to keep this train going. I'm like,
how am I supposed to watch this and then funk
my husband? Like, well, that seems like what you always do. Listen,
(53:27):
I get through it the documentaries, not sex with my husband.
I never get through that. I always fall asleep. I
can't believe you still watch them, because you know, I
was watching them for a while because I was like, oh,
I have to do my duty to watch them because
(53:49):
that's the only way these guys get arrested. It's like,
all right, it's like, if a documentary comes out of them,
it is the only way that justice doesn't even work anymore.
Because Cosby got released before he got released in time
to watch his own fucking documentary, they hadn't finished making it,
(54:09):
and they're like in the middle of shooting it, and
they were like, oh wait, yeah, out, yeah, I know.
I know we're gonna be on like a festival line
up with him soon. Can't wait. Um No, I had
to stop watching them because I was like, yeah, I know,
I feel like I need to do my part, but
it's just for the best. I'm no longer going to
(54:30):
participate in the trades. You're still in it though. Wow,
we really got on a tangent. Yeah, okay, So I
just want to say, so you demed with um his mom, like,
what were you guys chatting about? Well, I had made
a podcast with Karin Fisher, sure I remember, yeah, And
(54:54):
and you know, she had found out about it and
she d to me and she was like, I'm listening
to your podcast and uh, contrary to your opinion, I
am not attracted to my son. And that's fair, was
the message. She said. I know you're joking around, but
(55:18):
and you guys are very funny. She was very sweet.
Oh that's so she's she had a sense of humor.
She had a sense of humor. She was very sweet.
It was very clearly a joke, and she said she
knew that, but it was kind of one of those
things where I could tell it bothered her, and and
of course it did, because when it's your son, you're like,
(55:38):
I mean, this was before I was even like thinking
about having kids or like what that feels like. And uh,
now that I know, now that I have friends that
have had children, I'm like, I feel so bad that
we did that because we had no idea. Like, it's
just you're the You're the most vulnerable ever that you've
(56:00):
ever been. And so she reached out and she was like,
I know you're joking, but that's you know, I'm not
attracted to my son. Oh my god. And then I
think initially I found it so funny, but then I
started to like put myself in her shoes and I
just started lying. I just started telling her that I
read the Bible every day. And what does she hears this? Well,
(56:24):
I think, well you are, but now you are a
develout follow up. Christ I've admitted it before that I
was lying to her out of sheer panic. It's that's crazy,
like of all the things we say. That's my problem
with podcasts like there Forever and like we're just joking around.
We mean no harm. Yeah, no, it's it means nothing
(56:45):
at all, like I obviously, but anyway, I paniced. I
started telling her that I read the Bible every day
and I am really spiritual and m I don't know
what I was trying to do. I was like, maybe
she'll invite me to go to church, you know, and
she'll be my mother in law. Oh my god, Okay, Um,
(57:05):
I'm single at the time. So it was, and so
was he. Yeah, that was a crazy podcast. I forgot
you had a podcast just about Justin Bieber. Yeah. Andy,
I'm doing a podcast and I was actually on the
podcast and I talked about Owen Wilson. Do you think
that Owen Wilson is going to come on this podcast eventually?
(57:27):
I believe in you, and I believe that Owen will
hear this, and I believe that he will come on
this podcast because he does know about the live show. Yeah,
and I don't see why he wouldn't, you know. I
think eventually that's where this task to go. So I
think personally that he would, Um, what was I saying? Anyway,
(57:48):
I believe that you and Owen Wilson will join together
in holy matrimony and he'll come on the podcast and
listen to your story and you guys will be together
forever the end. Well, that's very nice. I don't see
a romantic feature for us, as I hum, you know,
very serious and looking for my life partner right now.
And uh, you know, he's got a lot going on.
He has three kids already and no, it's whatever, but
(58:10):
I would love to have kids. Yeah, it's three kids,
and I'm looking to have kids in my own I
really want to have a kid. Um, but I gotta
make one with him. You know, I don't know. I
don't know how his marriage is doing, and I hope
that it works out. I don't think he's married right now,
but I'm not sure. But I don't no, no, no,
I'm not. I don't think I want someone in the business.
(58:31):
I think I just want a regular to Yeah. Right,
if Owen Wilson showed up and I was like, I
wanna I want to marry you, you would be like, no,
I don't want somebody in the business. I think he's
like twenty years or twenty five years older or something
than me. Yeah, but he probably like eats. You know
what are those things? Stem cells for breakfast and nuts. Okay, well, yeah,
(58:55):
maybe he will come on. That would be really cool.
I hope that that how because you know, Demi Moore
did text him about the show, is how he found out. Yeah,
hopefully we can get on the podcast. Oh that's what
you I think, that's what you do. You get Demi
one and then when Demi comes on, Owen's gonna listen,
(59:17):
and then he's gonna be like, I gotta follow up
about this. You think he listens to podcast because like,
I don't listen to the podcasts. That's because you're a
comedian and your friends make them. Yeah, Um, I listen
on a ton of actors that make podcasts. I'm sure
they listen to podcasts, right, Okay, Yeah, I think Rob
Low has a podcast, but I don't know what he
(59:38):
talks about on there. I mean nobody, I don't know. Um, okay,
well you did briefly mention it. The way that we
cap off our episodes is with a segment called fan
on the Street on the Stree and um, I think
(01:00:01):
and it's if you have a fun celebrity encounter and
we will have future listeners in the future right in
about theirs. But I'd love to hear yours. You did
mention it is it true or not true that you
got a tip that Justin was on the Bowery and
sometimes you're doing and took a cab to find him. Yeah,
(01:00:24):
yeah I did. But to be fair, which that makes
it sound the way you put it makes it sound
a little insane. Okay, really, what about it makes it
sound insane that I stopped what I was doing like
I was in the middle of something important. Really was
interesting because I got a text and all to find
(01:00:44):
Justin Bieber. What happened was I was on the couch
watching Handmaid's Tale, so obviously miserable. Okay, we both regret
ever watching that show because it's sadist. Truly, I don't
have gret. I have my one regret in life is
that I watched the first season of that show. I'm pissed.
(01:01:04):
Oh awful, I mean, just misery porn. We watched it
together and we were screaming. Yeah. So I was watching
that and I was obviously dying for an escape, and
I got a tip from a source. Who is the source,
I can't say, okay, but you have your own Lucian Wiggles,
(01:01:29):
a reliable source, and I it just said, Justin Bieber's
at the Bowery Hotel right now with Haley. And I
was like, well, the Bowery Hotel is right across the
Williamsburg Bridge, and I can call it lift right now
because I'm in my pajamas that also double as streetwear.
Oh yes, love this. So I hopped in a lift.
(01:01:53):
I flew over the Williamsburg Bridge, got out, walked through
the Bowery Hotel to the bar. Saw him leaning up
against the bar with Haley, and I thought, they're in
the middle of a conversation. I'm gonna wait right outside.
I'll just wait. So I'm standing there and I was like,
(01:02:17):
I don't know if they ever gonna go. They could
be staying here tonight. I don't know where they are.
You know, he did not have his security. He was
kind of like meandering around New York City without his
security at the time, sort of spreading his wings as
as a young celeb. And when he came out, I
I grabbed him. I won't say grabbed. I would say
(01:02:37):
I I touched him on the shoulder with my right hand,
and uh, he turned around and he goes, what m hm,
And I thought, I'm gonna cry. Oh my god, this
is a moment. This is my this is my once
every three months moments, the accountant because I just piste
(01:03:01):
off Justin Bieber and uh, and so I quickly shifted
into survival mode, you know what I mean. I just
started like throwing compliments at him, just started like spewing
like I'm so happy for you and Haley and just
anything I could do to just suck their dick as
a couple, right, just I just love you gout, which
(01:03:22):
was true. It was true. I did. I really wanted
them to be together. I thought they made a really
cute couple. And uh, the second I said that, he
was like, thank you so much. She's my world. I
love her, She's so great, and and he really sort
of changed, his whole demeanor changed. And then I was like,
(01:03:44):
can I get a picture with both of you? And
they took a picture with me, and his hand was
you know, it was a little bit of an optical illusion,
but it kind of looks like it's touching my tip
in the photo. Wow, that's that's um, just only fate
could have done that. I'm I am still working on
getting it framed. I was gonna say, because like I
(01:04:06):
know you're very particular about your frames that you're gonna
put that in your house. You know, it doesn't really
go with any of the walls. Right now. Were they
a beautiful in person? Like was it's done? It? Because
like they look so beautiful. They are gorgeous. They're gorgeous.
I mean their celebrities in their twenties, right they have
(01:04:28):
all the money in the world, because all the money
in the world just meandering around New York City and
they're in love. So it was like the very getting stages.
So you know when somebody's falling in love, they just
kind of like glow, they like look more confident. There
I was. I was thrilled for them, I really was.
And I thought they were so cute together, um, and
(01:04:50):
I thought it was really nice that he was out
with her without his security. He was like, I want
to be with just her, even if it means that
this psycho is gonna follow me from Bowery down to
West third Street, which I totally ship. If I, Oh,
my god, I would if I were him, I would
never go out with security. I don't want people doing that.
(01:05:13):
That's nuts. You would never you would never go out
without security if I was like that, like which just
seems like a nightmare. I don't know how these people
like I can totally see how they become recklesses. You know, yeah, totally,
it's crazy. Would be nuts. Yeah, I mean I was
part of the problem in this story, but you had
(01:05:34):
to go for it. It was it was like a
moment in time. And aren't you glad you did? You
would have regretted. And the reason, I should say, the
reason why I followed him for that long was so
that I knew where he was so that Karin could
meet him, because I had a friend who was equally obsessed.
And I was like, I'll keep my distance, but I
just want I want to make sure that Karin gets
(01:05:54):
a chance to him. Did she meet him? Yes? Wow,
that what a night. She was on stage and I
texted her Justin's at the Bowery Hotel. And then by
the time she got off stage, he had left, and
she was like, where is he? And I was like,
I guess I'll follow him. I guess I'm following it.
Oh my god, you know what I mean. I was like,
(01:06:15):
I was torn between respecting personal privacy and being loyal
to my friend while sometimes two of your valued morals
conflict with one another. Oh should they do? Yeah, that happens.
That should does happen. Oh my god, you say that
(01:06:37):
like a woman that's got experience with this. Yeah, am
I wrong? I don't know what you're talking about. Anyways,
it's there's gonna do a podcast where she's the only
one who is allowed to have a mic. Yeah, I
(01:07:02):
don't know what you're talking about. So anyways, it was
UM just such a treat to have you on UM.
And I want to thank you for taking the time
out of your day. And I just find your fascination
with Justin Bieber and your devotion to your face still inspiring.
And I really do hope you'll come back and see
(01:07:23):
us at the Deal Wilson the podcast. I would love to.
I would absolutely love to. And UH, I just want
to say thank you for your extreme honesty and journalism, UH,
your devotion to me UH as a friend, and mostly
(01:07:45):
for UH constantly constantly encouraging me to get better and
better and my impression of you. I love you. I
love you too. I'm gonna have be arrested. Goodbye, bye,
have a good day. Enjoy hell song. Thank you so much. Bye.
(01:08:27):
Thank
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