October 2, 2025 • 33 mins
We follow up on last week’s advice about who should bear the burden of maintaining connections with parents. We also respond to questions about a group text that’s spiraling into harsh words; a friendship worn thin by years of last-minute cancellations; and a new mother who fears her husband isn’t bonding with their baby. Plus, Since You Askers weigh in: Would you tell a friend that their kids are behaving badly?
Have a question or advice to share? Leave a voicemail or write to us at thesinceyouaskedpodcast.com.
Follow along with Gretchen (@gretchenrubin) and Lori (@lorigottlieb_author) on Instagram for the latest on the show.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I have a friend and I'm always the one to
make the plans. He'll often cancel or reschedule. I'm wondering
if I should take this as he doesn't want to
continue the friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
This comes up quite a bit in friendship. Who is
the glue that brings people together?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
It does this question of who's initiating. I always say,
you can't order people up all a caart, there are
no substitutions.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hey Laurie, Hi Gretchen, and hey, since you ask hers,
we are here for another round of advice. So Laurie,
what are we going to talk about this week?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Well, we have so many interesting letters and I think
a lot of people will relate to them. We're going
to be talking about etiquette on a sibling text chain,
how to handle an unbalanced friendship, which I think a
lot of people can relate to, and a parenting dilemma
around a major life change.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
But before we jump in, here is a quick update
from our listener Laura. In the last episode, we talked
about her question about whether it was okay to let
her husband be in charge of making plans for his
side of the family, and here's what she said. I
really appreciated the advice I got back.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
I think one thing I may have omitted in my
original question is also that my husband has a different
relationship with his family due.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
To how he grew up and stuff.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Going on with his parents when he was younger, and
things are, without getting too into it, a little bit
more complicated, and so part of what I was reflecting
on after I listened to the advice was it's about
the relationships, and that maybe we don't need to have
the same relationships, like the some level of intimacy with
both sides of the family, because I don't know that
(01:44):
that is that important to my husband, because he wants
to sort of keep his boundaries set up and take
care of himself in the way that he knows how
after having more traditionally complicated relationships.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
With his side of the family.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
So I do like the framing of it's about how
we want those relationships to go as a family, as
opposed to your versus mind. And I think part of
that is also mere respecting that he may have and
or want a different relationship with his side of the
family based on where they're coming from.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Thanks.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Again, what I think is.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
So important about Laura's response is that so many times
we make assumptions about why the other person is or
isn't doing what makes us so frustrated. She said, I
feel like I have to make the plans for both
sides of the family. But then when she reflected on
it more, she really thought about, you know what, we
do have different relationships with each of our families, and
(02:38):
I hadn't taken that into consideration.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
And it's good they can think of our family as
opposed to yours versus mind, but those relationships might look different.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
That was something that a lot of listeners really responded to,
was this idea of how do we navigate whatever challenges
there are as a family as opposed to thinking about
this is my territory and this is your territory. And
I think that's good for all of us to keep
in mind.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Absolutely, Okay, let us jump in. As always, we start
each episode with one of your questions. Last week we
asked you to think about this question from Rebecca as
a reminder. It goes like this, I have a very
close knit family who communicate daily via a family text
(03:24):
thread that includes my elderly parents, myself, my husband, my son,
my sister, and my brother. My sister lives near my
elderly parents who are in poor health, and helps them
a great deal with daily living tasks. I live about
four hours away and visit monthly to help out as
much as I can. My brother lives farther away and
visits annually. The problem is that my sister's frustration with
(03:45):
her unequal caregiving responsibilities is manifesting itself in some very
judgmental comments on the family texts. My husband, who also
receives the texts, has commented that he often feels uncomfortable
with the tone of the text in the family chat. Recently,
for instance, my sister texted to the entire family that
she felt that she was leaving behind small children, meaning
(04:09):
our parents, when she went out of town on a
much needed vacation. When I have privately commented on her
unkind words, she says that she's quote just being honest.
How can I communicate to my sister that I appreciate
all of her hard work for our parents, while at
the same time firmly telling her that her comments are hurtful?
In other words, how can I establish better boundaries in
(04:31):
the family chat? A lot going on there.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
What really pops out to me here is this idea
that when it comes to helping to care for your parents,
so many sibling dynamics that had gone under the radar
start to become a parent. Yeah, you're the sibling who's
the responsible one, or you're the sibling who's the favorite.
I'm the sibling who always has to take care of everything,
whatever that is. And I wonder if some of those
(04:56):
dynamics are manifesting right now.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Sometimes when people say just being honest, it's not so
much the message of what they're saying, but the delivery.
There's a way to communicate in a way that's less
brutal honesty, but caring honesty.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think a lot of times when people say that
they've gotten so frustrated that they're just saying I'm just
being honest, and then they say it in a way
that doesn't land well on the other person. I think
she's just frustrated, and I think she doesn't know how
to be direct, and maybe it's because the other siblings
don't really take what she's saying seriously about how much
of a burden this is feeling to her that it's
(05:31):
feeling like it's all falling on her. And if she
is the people pleaser in the family. Oftentimes the people
pleasers become resentful, but then they don't directly say that
they're resentful because they're still trying to please people, So
it comes out in this backward way.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Well, absolutely, to me, this is not a question of
managing someone's communication on the text chain. To me, this
is a cry for help from someone who's overburdened and
deeply resentful. And instead of focusing on the text comments,
I would say this is and the brother might focus
on her feelings of doing all this hard work. One
sister is visiting monthly, a brother is visiting annually. The
(06:07):
sister who's setting the text chains is helping daily, and
so she's showing this building resentment and growing anger. So
it seems like this is a sign that it's time
for a various serious conversation about duties, about the work
being done. And if the listener and her brother they
can't be present, what else could they do to lift
(06:28):
a burden? Could they pay for things? Could they take
the burden of making arrangements like grocery deliveries. Could they
research local senior services together? Could they arrange for the
caretaking sister to take time off, which isn't oh, you
should make time for yourself. What are the arrangements that
would make that possible? Right?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Because often when people say you should take time for yourself,
then you have another job and now your job is
to figure out, well, how do you do that as
opposed to let me help you create the situation where
you can take time for yourself. So what contributions can
you make from a far that are meaningful contributions?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
So what is our advice? First acknowledge how much work
your sister is doing, give her credit and praise, and
have a direct conversation about a fairer distribution of work
and how other siblings might assume some of the burdens.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
And part of that conversation is what can you yourself
do that is tangible that could take some of the
burden off, even from afar.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
And you might have a separate text chat for siblings
and the care arrangements. You keep the main chat with
the extended family for the cheerful news, the pet photos,
all those fun things. So if she needs to vent
in the chat, it's just staying within that small group,
not the larger group.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
And I would also look at some of the comments
in the chat not as unkindness, but as, like you said, Gretchen,
a cry for help. I think that when the comments
get like that, it's wait, I can't manage this anymore,
and I really need us to work together as a
team as siblings to figure out how can we all
manage our parents in a way where none of us
(08:03):
feels one is singled out as shouldering too much of
the burden and I think too. Part of it is
that we want to enjoy our time with our parents.
Caretaking is really hard, but at the same time, it's
an opportunity to spend time with your parents. You're not
going to get forever with your parents, and so the
more that it can be less burdensome, the more that
you can also each enjoy this time of life with
(08:25):
your parents.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
So we want to know what your experiences have been.
Have you dealt with similar challenges with sibling issues with
aging parents. If you want to weigh in or submit
your own questions, go to the Since You askpodcast dot com.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
And now it's time to hear from you. In this segment,
which we call Wisdom of Crowds, we will highlight a
question on our social media and share your responses here, we.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Asked if your friend's children or badly behave, would you
say something to your friend yes or no? And why?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Now this is a very fraught question, so I was
very curious to hear what our sent you askers we're
going to say to.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
This yes, and we had a clear winner. Yes was
twenty nine percent and seventy one percent said no. And
we got many responses explaining the reason for their answers.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
So of the twenty nine percent who said yes, Diane said,
I don't care how they behave anywhere else, but at
my house they will behave or I'll have a chat
with them. I'll also tell the parents they can't do
that here. My friends know what kids can and can't
do in my house, so there are no surprises. I
actually like this idea of setting expectations up front instead
of after the child does something and then you have
(09:42):
to tell them not to.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
It's always better for people to know in advance, rather
than getting reprimanded for something that maybe they didn't know
they weren't supposed to do. Yeah, Stephanie said, yes, I
would want to know the same thing if it was
my kiddo, but be discerning and sensitive on how.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
You approach it right, And Laurie's said, I usually make
a joke that my dogs are better behave than their children.
Sometimes they laugh and sometimes they.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Get really mad.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I just want to say that you don't want to
shame the kids. Yeah, it's one thing to bring a
little bit of levity into it, but there's a fine
line between being insulting or disparaging the kids.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I do think that levity can help. If you can
joke around and be lighthearted about it, it can take
the sting out of it. But it has to be
done very well. If this is sometimes they laugh and
sometimes they get really.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Mad, that's a sign.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, it's not quite striking the right note. Kelly said, yes,
if it affects me personally, and even then I'll do
it as a request to the child, for example, asking
the child please don't play with the door. It makes
a scary noise when you slam it, and you could
get hurt in front of that child's parent. I hope
the parent will take the cue to discipline their child
from there, it's more respectful. And Tommy said, you bet,
(10:51):
I would. I tell them straight up, your kid just
hit my dog with a stick. No sugarcoating, no beating
around the bush. If they get mad, that tells me
everything I need to know about it our friendship. Kids
need boundaries, and so do parents. I agree with the
part about parents need boundaries too, in the sense that
parents need to understand that what's okay in their house
(11:11):
might not be okay in other people's houses. Sometimes it's
easy to forget that, and we really want to be
respectful of what the rules are in other people's houses.
This is so true because there's so many things that
you may just assume, well, everybody does it this way,
or no one would do this. A big issue in
our household is do you wear shoes in the house?
I wear shoes in the house, and I'm definitely an
(11:31):
outlier there, but many children would take off their shoes
thinking that that's the rule. That's a little thing, but
it's a good example of how you can't make assumptions
that someone's being badly behaved because maybe they don't know
that it is a rule for you.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Right, some houses, they have a couch that they all
jump on because they think it's fun. Right at your house,
it might not be we don't jump on the couch,
right or we don't put our feet on the coffee table,
but at another house they.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Do, or eating out of the kitchen. There's so many
things like this, so I think we just have to
be mindful of that. And Michelle says yes, because I
love my friend and her children. If I notice patterns
like lying or being mean to siblings, I'll bring it
up gently. Real friends don't let each other's kids grow
up to be jerks when a conversation could help.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I think we should make that a slogan. Yes, real
friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks.
That is true.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
That's a good mug.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Okay, so let's look at the nose. So seventy one
percent said no, and Jennifer said absolutely not. I remember
how sensitive I was about my own kids when they
were little. Even well meaning comments feel like attacks on
my parenting. I'd rather preserve the friendship and model good
behavior for all the kids instead of creating drama.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Kristen says nope, but I always tell my friends when
their kids are well behaved. I do this often. I
will send an email to say, what beautiful manners, what
good company? They handled themselves so well, because it's nice
to hear, and then, of course you think that they
probably tell the children.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Yes, and then the children repeat the good behavior. Yes,
it's true that when you hear something that you've done well,
you're apt to repeat it. And when you hear something
that you haven't done well, then you might rebel against
that or you might just feel shamed. So I love
the idea of giving positive feedback when the kids are
well behaved. And Joanne said, in general, no, unless they
were about to cause damage to someone or something. But
(13:20):
if they were visiting my home, I'd feel freer to
invoke the house rules. And I think that's what we were
talking about earlier, is betting expectations before anything happens in
our house. We just want you guys to know that
when we're going to eat, we want to put it
on plates or whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
The rule is, right, right, David says never every parent
thinks they know better than everyone else, and commenting on
general behavior just creates resentment. Kids go through phases, and
most grow out of bad habits naturally, unless someone's in
physical danger. I mind my own business and trust that
parents know their own children best. Well. I think that's
good to say, maybe this kid is being obnoxious, but
(13:56):
it's a phase or they're being badly behaved. But I
mind my own business.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
And I always think with all of us, the moment
in time is just a snapshot. It's not the entirety
of the child.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Have you ever come home from work you had a
bad day and you're not your best self? Sometimes a
kid'll come over and they're just not having a good day,
So I think we have to keep that in mind too.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yes, And here is a few additional thoughts. Amanda noted,
if it's my closest friend who I'm raising my kids with, absolutely,
my friend who I see four times a year. No,
So that goes to the intimacy that you feel with
a friend. How close are you to the child and
to the parent?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
And Natalie said, behavior is in the eye of the beholder.
What is acceptable in my house might not be acceptable
in their house. If the child is going to physically
hurt themselves or others, then yes. If the child is
an ill mannered, bore, unlikely.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Well, again, behavior is in the eye of the beholder.
That sums it up. Yes, absolutely well. We love hearing
your thoughts and we'll be sharing more questions like this
one check out our socials and we will be highlighting
responses on upcoming episodes. Coming up, we'll answer a question
about how to deal with a flaky friend and whether
flakiness means the end of a friendship. But first this break.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
And we're back with a question from Nick about a
flaky friend.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my
question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've
known for probably about eight years or so, and we
hang off sort of semi regularly, maybe once a month,
once every two months or so. Every time that we're
together or he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems
like we get along really well. But for some reason,
I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to
(15:41):
make the plans, and I find that he'll often cancel
or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering
if I should take this as a hint that he
doesn't want to continue the friendship, and if so, would
it be best to just confront him directly and ask
him about this, or should I just simply stop trying
to make plans?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Thanks so much interesting. I think this comes up quite
a bit in friendship.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
It does this question of who's initiating and do I matter?
And are we both as invested in this friendship as
the other person is. I think here Nick said they've
been friends for eight years, and it sounds like the
friend puts in the effort to get together about what's
a month, which, by the way, for eight years. I
don't think that's insignificant.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
No, that's a lot, right.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
I don't think that's a question of whether the friend
enjoys hanging out with him, because the friend would not
get together that much over this long period of time
if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this, where there's
an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue
that brings people together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the
friend is not interested in the friendship, because, as you say,
he's showing up regularly, and that shows that he values
the friendship and enjoys spending time together.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you
have to initiate every time, and when someone cancels and
then you feel like you're not a priority. And maybe
you have tickets to a concert and they canceled the
last minute, or reservations at a restaurant. But I think
that what Nick needs to think about is that we
have different kinds of dynamics with different friends, and people
have different personalities, and I think Nick has to really
(17:16):
decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is
worth the inconvenience because this person comes with his quality.
I always say, you can't order people up all acart.
There are no substitutions. You take them as they are
and you enjoy the meal, or you just don't order
the meal. And I think he has to decide do
I want to keep ordering this meal? Is that worth
it to me?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
So I have this personality framework that I created, the
four Tendancies, that divides people into four tendancies, and one
is the rebel. And something that is a very typical
of rebels other people sometimes as well, but very typical
of rebels is that they really dislike having things on
their calendar and they will often cancel even if they
want to do something. They want to see you, they
(17:57):
enjoy hanging out with you, they do want to go
to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling
of being expected to go someplace and having it on
their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if
that's true, don't take it personally, as you say, this
is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't
reflect on their friendship, and so it's just something to
take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a
(18:19):
rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things
open and more free flowing, so the person has a
greater sense of freedom and choice. So you would say
something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike
Saturday morning, let me know if you want to join,
or it could be fun to get drinks at the
new bar. I'm getting a group together. You can come
if you want, and keeping it open like that. That
tends to work better for people who are rebels.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
And so I think what we're saying is the friend
is who he is, and sometimes we want to change
the friend, but maybe we need to think about how
we're going to bilt it on our side. So what
is our advice. Our advice is, don't take it personally.
It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you, and at
the same time, manage your expectations. Don't count on this
person not canceling and maybe even have a backup plan.
(19:03):
Don't buy nonrefundable tickets unless you want to go by yourself,
or maybe you have another friend who wants to sub
in at the last minute.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Right right, And remember what you value about the person,
and also keep in mind, this is the friend I have.
We have many different kinds of friends. With my marriage.
I often say to myself when I'm thinking about something
that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamie, is
that's not the guy I'm married. We get different things
from different relationships. And so again it's as you were saying,
(19:31):
you have to think about, well is this trade off
worth it to me? Right?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
And I like, that's not the guy I'm married. That's
not the friend I have. So it doesn't mean that
the friend isn't a good friend, just like you love
your husband, but there are certain things that that's just
not the guy you married. That's just not the friend
you have. And so part of that is accepting that
in this friendship you're going to have to be doing
the work. And if the friendship isn't worth your doing
the heavy lifting, that's something that you need to evaluate.
(19:56):
But again, it sounds like you value this person, and
if you can and accept that this is who he is, Like,
some people are just really messy. Yes, I see this
in couples all the time, where somebody's like, but this
person leaves the bedroom really messy, and that means they
don't respect me and they don't care about what's important
to me. They really have trouble not being messy. Yes,
and it sounds like this friend really has trouble not
(20:18):
canceling plans. So this is again no substitutions. This is
the friend that he is, and that's where you have
to evaluate whether that is enough for you.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it?
What do you think?
Speaker 3 (20:33):
I think that he can talk to his friend once
and say, when you cancel, it makes me feel, however
it makes him feel, but I would not expect any change.
So I think it's worth mentioning because it's important in
friendships to be open and honest. But the friend might
say something like, oh, I'm really sorry, I'll try not
(20:53):
to do that anymore, but don't expect that to happen.
It sounds like this is just something about the friend
and that's how he is, and it's worth mentioning. Just
so he knows, and maybe he can make an effort,
but I think it's going to be really hard for
him to make a substantial change.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give
credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and
to others that you're doing by making the effort to
strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort, and
it's really really valuable. The people who do the work
of friendship are really important. And it reminds me of
this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's brilliant The Autobiography of
(21:32):
Alice B. Toklas, and she's talking about Guilloma Paulinaire and
she wrote, the death of Guilloma Paulinaire at this time
made a very serious difference to all his friends. Apart
from their sorrow at his death, it was the moment
just after the war when many things had changed and
people naturally fell apart. Guillom would have been a bond
of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together,
(21:54):
and now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends.
Having that quality of keeping people together is really really important.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yeah, And I think especially when so many people are
saying I want more connection. Sometimes part of getting that
connection isn't about keeping score about who's doing more. It's
about if you want that connection be the glue. It's
not a contest.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Coming up what to do when your partner is less
excited about a major life change than you are. But
first this.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Brick, and now we're back to answer a question about
a relationship and a big life change. Since you asked,
here's the letter, and this person has to be anonymous.
(22:47):
It goes like this. My husband and I have a
ten month old son. My husband was a very nervous
and somewhat reluctant new father. Mourning the loss of our
lives is a twuesome. We had been married for twelve
years before we had our son, so it's definitely been
an adjustment. Our home situation is also a bit different
than most. I work two full time jobs by choice,
and my husband is a craftsman who only occasionally does
(23:10):
projects for pay. Usually he works on home improvement tasks
and he manages all the household tasks. He is slowly
warming to the baby, but he still does not engage
much with him. He'll offer to take the baby for
an afternoon on weekends, but he'll usually play a video
game while the baby plays on the floor quite happily. Thankfully.
He will give bottles and change diapers, but he doesn't
(23:31):
hold the baby, read to the baby, talk to the baby, etc.
I see my friend's husbands engaging with their kids, and
I get both jealous and afraid that my husband will
never be that way with our son. I don't know
whether to be concerned or just let him develop his
relationship in his own way.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Wow. Well, the obvious thing to note here is they
are going through a huge change as a family. They
had been married for twelve years as a twosome. Now
there's a baby. She describes her husband as nervous and
reluctant now it's happening. He works from home, and now
there's a baby at home. That is just a lot
of change. And it doesn't sound from her question that
(24:08):
this is an issue of domestic labor. It's really about
his response to this very significant change in the family exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
It sounds like he's managing all the household tasks. That's
not the issue that we hear so much about in
this case. It's more about he's having trouble adjusting to this,
And it's interesting because I think with mothers sometimes we
feel a lot of shame around talking about postpartum adjustment
or if we don't bond right away with the baby.
But there is some room, there are support groups for that.
(24:38):
But for men who in general often feel I have
to be strong or I can't admit that I'm struggling
with something, sounds like he's not able to say that,
or there isn't space for the two of them yet
they haven't created it to really talk about what is
this like for you? What is it like being a
new parent for each of us, and what are we
struggling with as we adjust to this new situation.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Well, especially if you weren't particularly ready to let go
of the previous life, you want to make room for
his feelings, to allow him to grieve the real loss
of the freedom the different kind of adult life that
you can have. Also, some people just really aren't baby people, yes,
and they get much more engaged with an older child.
So that's just one thing that this may also change
(25:23):
as your child is growing. There's so much pressure on
parents to immediately bond. Not everybody immediately bonds, but bonding
can happen along the way in many different ways.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
And she said, he's slowly warming to the baby. So
sometimes it just takes time. And there's this magical version
of you're going to see your baby and you're going
to immediately bond and it's all going to be great,
But we forget there's so much more work. You're not sleeping,
you've lost your freedom, your marital relationship has changed. This
is huge, and so you're going to be dealing with
(25:53):
a lot of things at once. It might take several
months for you to really start to get to know
the baby, get to know yourself as a parent. And
it sounds like he's needing that space. But he is
moving in that direction.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Well, he's engaging. He's feeding the baby, he's changing diapers,
so he takes care of the baby. So he is engaging.
But as she says, he's slowly warming.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
So what is our advice. I think the first thing
is open up a compassionate dialogue. She can say something
to him like, hey, I know this is a big adjustment.
How is it going for you? And to even say
something to make it okay for him to be struggling.
It's okay if you're struggling. We're all struggling. This is
really hard. Can we talk about it so that he
(26:39):
knows that she wants him to share what's going on
for him, And she might even say, I want you
to share what's going on so we can stay connected
as a couple, because he's probably missing the couple element
of the two of them. They had twelve years together
and now there's a big change with that.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Well, speaking of the couple element, another thing to do
is really try to carve out time for adult pleasure.
Can you preserve part of what your life was like
before the baby came, so you still do feel you're
having the kinds of fun sometimes that you were having before.
It's not all been swept away.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
And I think the more anxiety that she feels around
his not bonding, the more pressure he's going to feel
to bond. And sometimes you just need to say, you
know what, We're going to go out for two hours
and we're going to go take a walk and we're
going to.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Go have dinner.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
You have a change of identity as parents, and so
can you remember who you were together before you had
the baby? And I think when she starts to futurize
or catastrophize around I'm worried he's never going to bond
with the baby. When you allow more space for the
two of you to be a little bit who you
were before you had the baby, I think that you're
(27:46):
going to see more movement without all of the pressure.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right well, and another thing to keep in mind is
trying not to criticize him for the way that he's
doing things. He's playing video games while the baby's right
next to him, also playing happily. But the more that
he can co but in his own way, of course,
as long as it's not something that's actually dangerous, let
him do it in his own way. Sometimes we want
to give a lot of direction for the sidelines, but
(28:10):
then that often makes people just want to give up
or say, well, I'm not doing it the right way,
I'm not doing it your way, so I don't want
to do it at all, And so let him do
it his own way so that he has a feeling
that he's being the kind of parent he chooses to be.
You don't want him to feel judged for the way
that he's behaving or, as you say, as he's feeling.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
Right, they'll each have their own parenting style. I think
sometimes parents feel well, I read in a parenting book.
Yes you both have to do this. Yes, be the
parent that you want to be with your kid. What
is your organic, natural way of engaging with your child
that's going to be much more important. That ties into
this idea. We talked about levity earlier with a different letter.
(28:46):
I think levity goes a long way. So sometimes everything
feels so stressful and curious when your new parents and
you're scared and what does this noise mean? What does
this crime mean? You don't know and you've never done
this before. So sometimes you can joke round about how
tired you are, see the humor and these kind of
ridiculous moments that you find yourself in.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Yeah. Yeah, I always remind myself that mishaps often make
the best memories, and something like the diaper explosion might
seem like very bad right now, but it will be
something that you laugh about later. Yeah, and if you
can try to laugh about it now. But we want
to hear from you. What other insights did we miss?
Have you dealt with the situation like this? This comes
up in a lot of different forms. Maybe it's a
(29:26):
new parent, or it's a similar situation you both have
moved to a house with a lot of new responsibilities,
or you're slowing down at work and your partner isn't yet,
or you're leaving a city that you love to move
to a new city with your partner and you don't
feel the same way about that.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Or even like getting a dog, one partner really wanted
a dog and the other person really wasn't so sure.
And what do you do when one person is more
eager for a big change and the other one is
more reluctant or less ready. We want to hear what
your experiences have been with that situation, so tell us
at the Since You askepodcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
And then before we go, are you ready to give
some advice? Here is a question to ponder. We will
discuss it in the next episode, and we would love
to hear your thoughts. It's from Raya and it goes
like this.
Speaker 5 (30:16):
I've been having more of a moral dilemma recently in
my relationship and I would love for your advice on
the situation. So for context, I've been dating my boyfriend
for a little over four months now, in the very
early stages of him and I his roommate and best
friend let's call him. Jack was seeing my roommate. About
one week into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack
cheated on my roommate. It was a very messy breakup,
(30:39):
as most cheating related breakups are, because my roommate found
texts between Jack and the girl let's call her Carly,
in which it was very clear that Carly knew my
roommate was in the picture, yet proceeded anyway. Aside from
being absolutely devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact
of Jack and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of
our friendships and my living situation uncomfortable, and to this
(31:02):
day has been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend.
After things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other
in secret, but recently they've become more serious and have
started to hang out with our friends and are always
at the house whenever I go to see my boyfriend.
Jack has yet to own up to his actions or
apologize for the impact it had on me, but Carly
(31:23):
recently reached out trying to make amends. She has expressed
interest in taking responsibility for her actions, but also said
that she would like to get to know me when
I am ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in
making amends or getting to know her, but my boyfriend
has been pushing me to forgive and forget. My question
is how do I reduce the strain that this has
on my relationship without feeling like I am compromising on
(31:47):
my moral values?
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Oof.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
That is a messy situation.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That's a tough one. Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected
to everybody else. There's a lot to think about it
in a lot going on.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
So we want to hear what you all think about
this question because we're going to tackle it next time.
Think about what your advice might be and we will
discuss it.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
That is it for today, Since You Ask Hers, We
really want you to weigh in. You are a big
part of this show. To get in touch, go to
the Since You askpodcast dot com, follow us on each
of our social media accounts, or check the show notes.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
And if any of our discussions today have struck a
chord with you, we'd love to hear how it was
helpful for you or for someone in your life.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just
makes you laugh, We're glad you're here. If you enjoyed
today's show. Please tell your friends. Word of mouth really
does help people discover a new show, and if you're
so inclined, please take a moment to rate or review
the show. It really does make a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Since you asked, is for entertainment purposes only and isn't
a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question,
you're agreeing we may use it on the show and
edit it for length or clarity.
I have a friend and I'm always the one to
make the plans. He'll often cancel or reschedule. I'm wondering
if I should take this as he doesn't want to
continue the friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
This comes up quite a bit in friendship. Who is
the glue that brings people together?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
It does this question of who's initiating. I always say,
you can't order people up all a caart, there are
no substitutions.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hey Laurie, Hi Gretchen, and hey, since you ask hers,
we are here for another round of advice. So Laurie,
what are we going to talk about this week?
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Well, we have so many interesting letters and I think
a lot of people will relate to them. We're going
to be talking about etiquette on a sibling text chain,
how to handle an unbalanced friendship, which I think a
lot of people can relate to, and a parenting dilemma
around a major life change.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
But before we jump in, here is a quick update
from our listener Laura. In the last episode, we talked
about her question about whether it was okay to let
her husband be in charge of making plans for his
side of the family, and here's what she said. I
really appreciated the advice I got back.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
I think one thing I may have omitted in my
original question is also that my husband has a different
relationship with his family due.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
To how he grew up and stuff.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Going on with his parents when he was younger, and
things are, without getting too into it, a little bit
more complicated, and so part of what I was reflecting
on after I listened to the advice was it's about
the relationships, and that maybe we don't need to have
the same relationships, like the some level of intimacy with
both sides of the family, because I don't know that
(01:44):
that is that important to my husband, because he wants
to sort of keep his boundaries set up and take
care of himself in the way that he knows how
after having more traditionally complicated relationships.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
With his side of the family.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
So I do like the framing of it's about how
we want those relationships to go as a family, as
opposed to your versus mind. And I think part of
that is also mere respecting that he may have and
or want a different relationship with his side of the
family based on where they're coming from.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Thanks.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Again, what I think is.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
So important about Laura's response is that so many times
we make assumptions about why the other person is or
isn't doing what makes us so frustrated. She said, I
feel like I have to make the plans for both
sides of the family. But then when she reflected on
it more, she really thought about, you know what, we
do have different relationships with each of our families, and
(02:38):
I hadn't taken that into consideration.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
And it's good they can think of our family as
opposed to yours versus mind, but those relationships might look different.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
That was something that a lot of listeners really responded to,
was this idea of how do we navigate whatever challenges
there are as a family as opposed to thinking about
this is my territory and this is your territory. And
I think that's good for all of us to keep
in mind.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Absolutely, Okay, let us jump in. As always, we start
each episode with one of your questions. Last week we
asked you to think about this question from Rebecca as
a reminder. It goes like this, I have a very
close knit family who communicate daily via a family text
(03:24):
thread that includes my elderly parents, myself, my husband, my son,
my sister, and my brother. My sister lives near my
elderly parents who are in poor health, and helps them
a great deal with daily living tasks. I live about
four hours away and visit monthly to help out as
much as I can. My brother lives farther away and
visits annually. The problem is that my sister's frustration with
(03:45):
her unequal caregiving responsibilities is manifesting itself in some very
judgmental comments on the family texts. My husband, who also
receives the texts, has commented that he often feels uncomfortable
with the tone of the text in the family chat. Recently,
for instance, my sister texted to the entire family that
she felt that she was leaving behind small children, meaning
(04:09):
our parents, when she went out of town on a
much needed vacation. When I have privately commented on her
unkind words, she says that she's quote just being honest.
How can I communicate to my sister that I appreciate
all of her hard work for our parents, while at
the same time firmly telling her that her comments are hurtful?
In other words, how can I establish better boundaries in
(04:31):
the family chat? A lot going on there.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
What really pops out to me here is this idea
that when it comes to helping to care for your parents,
so many sibling dynamics that had gone under the radar
start to become a parent. Yeah, you're the sibling who's
the responsible one, or you're the sibling who's the favorite.
I'm the sibling who always has to take care of everything,
whatever that is. And I wonder if some of those
(04:56):
dynamics are manifesting right now.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Sometimes when people say just being honest, it's not so
much the message of what they're saying, but the delivery.
There's a way to communicate in a way that's less
brutal honesty, but caring honesty.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think a lot of times when people say that
they've gotten so frustrated that they're just saying I'm just
being honest, and then they say it in a way
that doesn't land well on the other person. I think
she's just frustrated, and I think she doesn't know how
to be direct, and maybe it's because the other siblings
don't really take what she's saying seriously about how much
of a burden this is feeling to her that it's
(05:31):
feeling like it's all falling on her. And if she
is the people pleaser in the family. Oftentimes the people
pleasers become resentful, but then they don't directly say that
they're resentful because they're still trying to please people, So
it comes out in this backward way.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Well, absolutely, to me, this is not a question of
managing someone's communication on the text chain. To me, this
is a cry for help from someone who's overburdened and
deeply resentful. And instead of focusing on the text comments,
I would say this is and the brother might focus
on her feelings of doing all this hard work. One
sister is visiting monthly, a brother is visiting annually. The
(06:07):
sister who's setting the text chains is helping daily, and
so she's showing this building resentment and growing anger. So
it seems like this is a sign that it's time
for a various serious conversation about duties, about the work
being done. And if the listener and her brother they
can't be present, what else could they do to lift
(06:28):
a burden? Could they pay for things? Could they take
the burden of making arrangements like grocery deliveries. Could they
research local senior services together? Could they arrange for the
caretaking sister to take time off, which isn't oh, you
should make time for yourself. What are the arrangements that
would make that possible? Right?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Because often when people say you should take time for yourself,
then you have another job and now your job is
to figure out, well, how do you do that as
opposed to let me help you create the situation where
you can take time for yourself. So what contributions can
you make from a far that are meaningful contributions?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
So what is our advice? First acknowledge how much work
your sister is doing, give her credit and praise, and
have a direct conversation about a fairer distribution of work
and how other siblings might assume some of the burdens.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
And part of that conversation is what can you yourself
do that is tangible that could take some of the
burden off, even from afar.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
And you might have a separate text chat for siblings
and the care arrangements. You keep the main chat with
the extended family for the cheerful news, the pet photos,
all those fun things. So if she needs to vent
in the chat, it's just staying within that small group,
not the larger group.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
And I would also look at some of the comments
in the chat not as unkindness, but as, like you said, Gretchen,
a cry for help. I think that when the comments
get like that, it's wait, I can't manage this anymore,
and I really need us to work together as a
team as siblings to figure out how can we all
manage our parents in a way where none of us
(08:03):
feels one is singled out as shouldering too much of
the burden and I think too. Part of it is
that we want to enjoy our time with our parents.
Caretaking is really hard, but at the same time, it's
an opportunity to spend time with your parents. You're not
going to get forever with your parents, and so the
more that it can be less burdensome, the more that
you can also each enjoy this time of life with
(08:25):
your parents.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
So we want to know what your experiences have been.
Have you dealt with similar challenges with sibling issues with
aging parents. If you want to weigh in or submit
your own questions, go to the Since You askpodcast dot com.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
And now it's time to hear from you. In this segment,
which we call Wisdom of Crowds, we will highlight a
question on our social media and share your responses here, we.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Asked if your friend's children or badly behave, would you
say something to your friend yes or no? And why?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Now this is a very fraught question, so I was
very curious to hear what our sent you askers we're
going to say to.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
This yes, and we had a clear winner. Yes was
twenty nine percent and seventy one percent said no. And
we got many responses explaining the reason for their answers.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
So of the twenty nine percent who said yes, Diane said,
I don't care how they behave anywhere else, but at
my house they will behave or I'll have a chat
with them. I'll also tell the parents they can't do
that here. My friends know what kids can and can't
do in my house, so there are no surprises. I
actually like this idea of setting expectations up front instead
of after the child does something and then you have
(09:42):
to tell them not to.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
It's always better for people to know in advance, rather
than getting reprimanded for something that maybe they didn't know
they weren't supposed to do. Yeah, Stephanie said, yes, I
would want to know the same thing if it was
my kiddo, but be discerning and sensitive on how.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
You approach it right, And Laurie's said, I usually make
a joke that my dogs are better behave than their children.
Sometimes they laugh and sometimes they.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Get really mad.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
I just want to say that you don't want to
shame the kids. Yeah, it's one thing to bring a
little bit of levity into it, but there's a fine
line between being insulting or disparaging the kids.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I do think that levity can help. If you can
joke around and be lighthearted about it, it can take
the sting out of it. But it has to be
done very well. If this is sometimes they laugh and
sometimes they get really.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Mad, that's a sign.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, it's not quite striking the right note. Kelly said, yes,
if it affects me personally, and even then I'll do
it as a request to the child, for example, asking
the child please don't play with the door. It makes
a scary noise when you slam it, and you could
get hurt in front of that child's parent. I hope
the parent will take the cue to discipline their child
from there, it's more respectful. And Tommy said, you bet,
(10:51):
I would. I tell them straight up, your kid just
hit my dog with a stick. No sugarcoating, no beating
around the bush. If they get mad, that tells me
everything I need to know about it our friendship. Kids
need boundaries, and so do parents. I agree with the
part about parents need boundaries too, in the sense that
parents need to understand that what's okay in their house
(11:11):
might not be okay in other people's houses. Sometimes it's
easy to forget that, and we really want to be
respectful of what the rules are in other people's houses.
This is so true because there's so many things that
you may just assume, well, everybody does it this way,
or no one would do this. A big issue in
our household is do you wear shoes in the house?
I wear shoes in the house, and I'm definitely an
(11:31):
outlier there, but many children would take off their shoes
thinking that that's the rule. That's a little thing, but
it's a good example of how you can't make assumptions
that someone's being badly behaved because maybe they don't know
that it is a rule for you.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Right, some houses, they have a couch that they all
jump on because they think it's fun. Right at your house,
it might not be we don't jump on the couch,
right or we don't put our feet on the coffee table,
but at another house they.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Do, or eating out of the kitchen. There's so many
things like this, so I think we just have to
be mindful of that. And Michelle says yes, because I
love my friend and her children. If I notice patterns
like lying or being mean to siblings, I'll bring it
up gently. Real friends don't let each other's kids grow
up to be jerks when a conversation could help.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
I think we should make that a slogan. Yes, real
friends don't let each other's kids grow up to be jerks.
That is true.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
That's a good mug.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Okay, so let's look at the nose. So seventy one
percent said no, and Jennifer said absolutely not. I remember
how sensitive I was about my own kids when they
were little. Even well meaning comments feel like attacks on
my parenting. I'd rather preserve the friendship and model good
behavior for all the kids instead of creating drama.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Kristen says nope, but I always tell my friends when
their kids are well behaved. I do this often. I
will send an email to say, what beautiful manners, what
good company? They handled themselves so well, because it's nice
to hear, and then, of course you think that they
probably tell the children.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Yes, and then the children repeat the good behavior. Yes,
it's true that when you hear something that you've done well,
you're apt to repeat it. And when you hear something
that you haven't done well, then you might rebel against
that or you might just feel shamed. So I love
the idea of giving positive feedback when the kids are
well behaved. And Joanne said, in general, no, unless they
were about to cause damage to someone or something. But
(13:20):
if they were visiting my home, I'd feel freer to
invoke the house rules. And I think that's what we were
talking about earlier, is betting expectations before anything happens in
our house. We just want you guys to know that
when we're going to eat, we want to put it
on plates or whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
The rule is, right, right, David says never every parent
thinks they know better than everyone else, and commenting on
general behavior just creates resentment. Kids go through phases, and
most grow out of bad habits naturally, unless someone's in
physical danger. I mind my own business and trust that
parents know their own children best. Well. I think that's
good to say, maybe this kid is being obnoxious, but
(13:56):
it's a phase or they're being badly behaved. But I
mind my own business.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
And I always think with all of us, the moment
in time is just a snapshot. It's not the entirety
of the child.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Have you ever come home from work you had a
bad day and you're not your best self? Sometimes a
kid'll come over and they're just not having a good day,
So I think we have to keep that in mind too.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yes, And here is a few additional thoughts. Amanda noted,
if it's my closest friend who I'm raising my kids with, absolutely,
my friend who I see four times a year. No,
So that goes to the intimacy that you feel with
a friend. How close are you to the child and
to the parent?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
And Natalie said, behavior is in the eye of the beholder.
What is acceptable in my house might not be acceptable
in their house. If the child is going to physically
hurt themselves or others, then yes. If the child is
an ill mannered, bore, unlikely.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Well, again, behavior is in the eye of the beholder.
That sums it up. Yes, absolutely well. We love hearing
your thoughts and we'll be sharing more questions like this
one check out our socials and we will be highlighting
responses on upcoming episodes. Coming up, we'll answer a question
about how to deal with a flaky friend and whether
flakiness means the end of a friendship. But first this break.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
And we're back with a question from Nick about a
flaky friend.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my
question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've
known for probably about eight years or so, and we
hang off sort of semi regularly, maybe once a month,
once every two months or so. Every time that we're
together or he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems
like we get along really well. But for some reason,
I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to
(15:41):
make the plans, and I find that he'll often cancel
or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering
if I should take this as a hint that he
doesn't want to continue the friendship, and if so, would
it be best to just confront him directly and ask
him about this, or should I just simply stop trying
to make plans?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Thanks so much interesting. I think this comes up quite
a bit in friendship.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
It does this question of who's initiating and do I matter?
And are we both as invested in this friendship as
the other person is. I think here Nick said they've
been friends for eight years, and it sounds like the
friend puts in the effort to get together about what's
a month, which, by the way, for eight years. I
don't think that's insignificant.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
No, that's a lot, right.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
I don't think that's a question of whether the friend
enjoys hanging out with him, because the friend would not
get together that much over this long period of time
if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this, where there's
an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue
that brings people together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the
friend is not interested in the friendship, because, as you say,
he's showing up regularly, and that shows that he values
the friendship and enjoys spending time together.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you
have to initiate every time, and when someone cancels and
then you feel like you're not a priority. And maybe
you have tickets to a concert and they canceled the
last minute, or reservations at a restaurant. But I think
that what Nick needs to think about is that we
have different kinds of dynamics with different friends, and people
have different personalities, and I think Nick has to really
(17:16):
decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is
worth the inconvenience because this person comes with his quality.
I always say, you can't order people up all acart.
There are no substitutions. You take them as they are
and you enjoy the meal, or you just don't order
the meal. And I think he has to decide do
I want to keep ordering this meal? Is that worth
it to me?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
So I have this personality framework that I created, the
four Tendancies, that divides people into four tendancies, and one
is the rebel. And something that is a very typical
of rebels other people sometimes as well, but very typical
of rebels is that they really dislike having things on
their calendar and they will often cancel even if they
want to do something. They want to see you, they
(17:57):
enjoy hanging out with you, they do want to go
to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling
of being expected to go someplace and having it on
their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if
that's true, don't take it personally, as you say, this
is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't
reflect on their friendship, and so it's just something to
take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a
(18:19):
rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things
open and more free flowing, so the person has a
greater sense of freedom and choice. So you would say
something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike
Saturday morning, let me know if you want to join,
or it could be fun to get drinks at the
new bar. I'm getting a group together. You can come
if you want, and keeping it open like that. That
tends to work better for people who are rebels.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
And so I think what we're saying is the friend
is who he is, and sometimes we want to change
the friend, but maybe we need to think about how
we're going to bilt it on our side. So what
is our advice. Our advice is, don't take it personally.
It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you, and at
the same time, manage your expectations. Don't count on this
person not canceling and maybe even have a backup plan.
(19:03):
Don't buy nonrefundable tickets unless you want to go by yourself,
or maybe you have another friend who wants to sub
in at the last minute.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Right right, And remember what you value about the person,
and also keep in mind, this is the friend I have.
We have many different kinds of friends. With my marriage.
I often say to myself when I'm thinking about something
that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamie, is
that's not the guy I'm married. We get different things
from different relationships. And so again it's as you were saying,
(19:31):
you have to think about, well is this trade off
worth it to me? Right?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
And I like, that's not the guy I'm married. That's
not the friend I have. So it doesn't mean that
the friend isn't a good friend, just like you love
your husband, but there are certain things that that's just
not the guy you married. That's just not the friend
you have. And so part of that is accepting that
in this friendship you're going to have to be doing
the work. And if the friendship isn't worth your doing
the heavy lifting, that's something that you need to evaluate.
(19:56):
But again, it sounds like you value this person, and
if you can and accept that this is who he is, Like,
some people are just really messy. Yes, I see this
in couples all the time, where somebody's like, but this
person leaves the bedroom really messy, and that means they
don't respect me and they don't care about what's important
to me. They really have trouble not being messy. Yes,
and it sounds like this friend really has trouble not
(20:18):
canceling plans. So this is again no substitutions. This is
the friend that he is, and that's where you have
to evaluate whether that is enough for you.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it?
What do you think?
Speaker 3 (20:33):
I think that he can talk to his friend once
and say, when you cancel, it makes me feel, however
it makes him feel, but I would not expect any change.
So I think it's worth mentioning because it's important in
friendships to be open and honest. But the friend might
say something like, oh, I'm really sorry, I'll try not
(20:53):
to do that anymore, but don't expect that to happen.
It sounds like this is just something about the friend
and that's how he is, and it's worth mentioning. Just
so he knows, and maybe he can make an effort,
but I think it's going to be really hard for
him to make a substantial change.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give
credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and
to others that you're doing by making the effort to
strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort, and
it's really really valuable. The people who do the work
of friendship are really important. And it reminds me of
this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's brilliant The Autobiography of
(21:32):
Alice B. Toklas, and she's talking about Guilloma Paulinaire and
she wrote, the death of Guilloma Paulinaire at this time
made a very serious difference to all his friends. Apart
from their sorrow at his death, it was the moment
just after the war when many things had changed and
people naturally fell apart. Guillom would have been a bond
of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together,
(21:54):
and now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends.
Having that quality of keeping people together is really really important.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yeah, And I think especially when so many people are
saying I want more connection. Sometimes part of getting that
connection isn't about keeping score about who's doing more. It's
about if you want that connection be the glue. It's
not a contest.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Coming up what to do when your partner is less
excited about a major life change than you are. But
first this.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Brick, and now we're back to answer a question about
a relationship and a big life change. Since you asked,
here's the letter, and this person has to be anonymous.
(22:47):
It goes like this. My husband and I have a
ten month old son. My husband was a very nervous
and somewhat reluctant new father. Mourning the loss of our
lives is a twuesome. We had been married for twelve
years before we had our son, so it's definitely been
an adjustment. Our home situation is also a bit different
than most. I work two full time jobs by choice,
and my husband is a craftsman who only occasionally does
(23:10):
projects for pay. Usually he works on home improvement tasks
and he manages all the household tasks. He is slowly
warming to the baby, but he still does not engage
much with him. He'll offer to take the baby for
an afternoon on weekends, but he'll usually play a video
game while the baby plays on the floor quite happily. Thankfully.
He will give bottles and change diapers, but he doesn't
(23:31):
hold the baby, read to the baby, talk to the baby, etc.
I see my friend's husbands engaging with their kids, and
I get both jealous and afraid that my husband will
never be that way with our son. I don't know
whether to be concerned or just let him develop his
relationship in his own way.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Wow. Well, the obvious thing to note here is they
are going through a huge change as a family. They
had been married for twelve years as a twosome. Now
there's a baby. She describes her husband as nervous and
reluctant now it's happening. He works from home, and now
there's a baby at home. That is just a lot
of change. And it doesn't sound from her question that
(24:08):
this is an issue of domestic labor. It's really about
his response to this very significant change in the family exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
It sounds like he's managing all the household tasks. That's
not the issue that we hear so much about in
this case. It's more about he's having trouble adjusting to this,
And it's interesting because I think with mothers sometimes we
feel a lot of shame around talking about postpartum adjustment
or if we don't bond right away with the baby.
But there is some room, there are support groups for that.
(24:38):
But for men who in general often feel I have
to be strong or I can't admit that I'm struggling
with something, sounds like he's not able to say that,
or there isn't space for the two of them yet
they haven't created it to really talk about what is
this like for you? What is it like being a
new parent for each of us, and what are we
struggling with as we adjust to this new situation.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Well, especially if you weren't particularly ready to let go
of the previous life, you want to make room for
his feelings, to allow him to grieve the real loss
of the freedom the different kind of adult life that
you can have. Also, some people just really aren't baby people, yes,
and they get much more engaged with an older child.
So that's just one thing that this may also change
(25:23):
as your child is growing. There's so much pressure on
parents to immediately bond. Not everybody immediately bonds, but bonding
can happen along the way in many different ways.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
And she said, he's slowly warming to the baby. So
sometimes it just takes time. And there's this magical version
of you're going to see your baby and you're going
to immediately bond and it's all going to be great,
But we forget there's so much more work. You're not sleeping,
you've lost your freedom, your marital relationship has changed. This
is huge, and so you're going to be dealing with
(25:53):
a lot of things at once. It might take several
months for you to really start to get to know
the baby, get to know yourself as a parent. And
it sounds like he's needing that space. But he is
moving in that direction.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Well, he's engaging. He's feeding the baby, he's changing diapers,
so he takes care of the baby. So he is engaging.
But as she says, he's slowly warming.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
So what is our advice. I think the first thing
is open up a compassionate dialogue. She can say something
to him like, hey, I know this is a big adjustment.
How is it going for you? And to even say
something to make it okay for him to be struggling.
It's okay if you're struggling. We're all struggling. This is
really hard. Can we talk about it so that he
(26:39):
knows that she wants him to share what's going on
for him, And she might even say, I want you
to share what's going on so we can stay connected
as a couple, because he's probably missing the couple element
of the two of them. They had twelve years together
and now there's a big change with that.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Well, speaking of the couple element, another thing to do
is really try to carve out time for adult pleasure.
Can you preserve part of what your life was like
before the baby came, so you still do feel you're
having the kinds of fun sometimes that you were having before.
It's not all been swept away.
Speaker 3 (27:11):
And I think the more anxiety that she feels around
his not bonding, the more pressure he's going to feel
to bond. And sometimes you just need to say, you
know what, We're going to go out for two hours
and we're going to go take a walk and we're
going to.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Go have dinner.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
You have a change of identity as parents, and so
can you remember who you were together before you had
the baby? And I think when she starts to futurize
or catastrophize around I'm worried he's never going to bond
with the baby. When you allow more space for the
two of you to be a little bit who you
were before you had the baby, I think that you're
(27:46):
going to see more movement without all of the pressure.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right well, and another thing to keep in mind is
trying not to criticize him for the way that he's
doing things. He's playing video games while the baby's right
next to him, also playing happily. But the more that
he can co but in his own way, of course,
as long as it's not something that's actually dangerous, let
him do it in his own way. Sometimes we want
to give a lot of direction for the sidelines, but
(28:10):
then that often makes people just want to give up
or say, well, I'm not doing it the right way,
I'm not doing it your way, so I don't want
to do it at all, And so let him do
it his own way so that he has a feeling
that he's being the kind of parent he chooses to be.
You don't want him to feel judged for the way
that he's behaving or, as you say, as he's feeling.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
Right, they'll each have their own parenting style. I think
sometimes parents feel well, I read in a parenting book.
Yes you both have to do this. Yes, be the
parent that you want to be with your kid. What
is your organic, natural way of engaging with your child
that's going to be much more important. That ties into
this idea. We talked about levity earlier with a different letter.
(28:46):
I think levity goes a long way. So sometimes everything
feels so stressful and curious when your new parents and
you're scared and what does this noise mean? What does
this crime mean? You don't know and you've never done
this before. So sometimes you can joke round about how
tired you are, see the humor and these kind of
ridiculous moments that you find yourself in.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Yeah. Yeah, I always remind myself that mishaps often make
the best memories, and something like the diaper explosion might
seem like very bad right now, but it will be
something that you laugh about later. Yeah, and if you
can try to laugh about it now. But we want
to hear from you. What other insights did we miss?
Have you dealt with the situation like this? This comes
up in a lot of different forms. Maybe it's a
(29:26):
new parent, or it's a similar situation you both have
moved to a house with a lot of new responsibilities,
or you're slowing down at work and your partner isn't yet,
or you're leaving a city that you love to move
to a new city with your partner and you don't
feel the same way about that.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Or even like getting a dog, one partner really wanted
a dog and the other person really wasn't so sure.
And what do you do when one person is more
eager for a big change and the other one is
more reluctant or less ready. We want to hear what
your experiences have been with that situation, so tell us
at the Since You askepodcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
And then before we go, are you ready to give
some advice? Here is a question to ponder. We will
discuss it in the next episode, and we would love
to hear your thoughts. It's from Raya and it goes
like this.
Speaker 5 (30:16):
I've been having more of a moral dilemma recently in
my relationship and I would love for your advice on
the situation. So for context, I've been dating my boyfriend
for a little over four months now, in the very
early stages of him and I his roommate and best
friend let's call him. Jack was seeing my roommate. About
one week into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack
cheated on my roommate. It was a very messy breakup,
(30:39):
as most cheating related breakups are, because my roommate found
texts between Jack and the girl let's call her Carly,
in which it was very clear that Carly knew my
roommate was in the picture, yet proceeded anyway. Aside from
being absolutely devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact
of Jack and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of
our friendships and my living situation uncomfortable, and to this
(31:02):
day has been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend.
After things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other
in secret, but recently they've become more serious and have
started to hang out with our friends and are always
at the house whenever I go to see my boyfriend.
Jack has yet to own up to his actions or
apologize for the impact it had on me, but Carly
(31:23):
recently reached out trying to make amends. She has expressed
interest in taking responsibility for her actions, but also said
that she would like to get to know me when
I am ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in
making amends or getting to know her, but my boyfriend
has been pushing me to forgive and forget. My question
is how do I reduce the strain that this has
on my relationship without feeling like I am compromising on
(31:47):
my moral values?
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Oof.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
That is a messy situation.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
That's a tough one. Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected
to everybody else. There's a lot to think about it
in a lot going on.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
So we want to hear what you all think about
this question because we're going to tackle it next time.
Think about what your advice might be and we will
discuss it.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
That is it for today, Since You Ask Hers, We
really want you to weigh in. You are a big
part of this show. To get in touch, go to
the Since You askpodcast dot com, follow us on each
of our social media accounts, or check the show notes.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
And if any of our discussions today have struck a
chord with you, we'd love to hear how it was
helpful for you or for someone in your life.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just
makes you laugh, We're glad you're here. If you enjoyed
today's show. Please tell your friends. Word of mouth really
does help people discover a new show, and if you're
so inclined, please take a moment to rate or review
the show. It really does make a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Since you asked, is for entertainment purposes only and isn't
a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question,
you're agreeing we may use it on the show and
edit it for length or clarity.
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