Encore: Doug’s Fear of Intimacy One Year Later

This week we’re checking in with Doug, who struggled with a fear of intimacy after an emotionally scarring relationship, to hear how he’s doing one year later.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
column for the Atlantic.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,
and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.
And this is Dear Therapists. This week we're going to
check in on our guests from season two to hear
how they're doing a year later.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.
It does not constitute medical or psychological advice and is
not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional,
or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter,

(00:47):
you are agreeing to let iHeartMedia use it in part
orn full, and we may edit it for length and clarity.
In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed
for the privacy of our guests. So today we're catching
up with Doug and his episode was called Doug's Fear
of Intimacy and a year ago Doug was finally in

(01:09):
a healthy, loving relationship after the breakup of a long
term relationship that left a lot of emotional scars, and
we tried to help him to understand why intimacy was
so scary for him and how much his earlier romantic
relationship affected him, and how he could be vulnerable in
his current relationship in order to feel safe and cared for.

(01:32):
Here's what was going on with him back then.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
I feel like I can be much more open and
honest with Lucas, and I feel like I have been.
There are definitely times when I get in my head
or I don't feel comfortable being super open about how
I'm feeling. He'll ask me, and I think that's kind

(01:56):
of where I struggle is. He'll ask me, and I'll
say everything's fine, and he'll ask me again, and I
can feel myself getting angry, even though he's not doing
it because he is OCD. I think I still have
those thoughts where if somebody asked me the same question
a couple of times, I just tense up.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
Doug was also dealing with the fact that his parents
didn't want to acknowledge that he was gay, and so
this was another area where he couldn't express himself authentically.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
You're listening to dear therapists for my Heart Radio. We'll
be back after a short break.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
So now let's hear how things are going for Doug.

Speaker 4 (02:46):
A year later, Hey, Guy and Laurie, A lot has
happened since I spoke with you last. I quit the
job that I hated, started grad school, and bought a house.
I feel like once I started finding my own voice,
I realized there was a lot in my life that
I kind of just let happen to me. For so long,
I was worried what others would think or say that
I let them decide what was best for me. Now

(03:09):
I am discovering what I want out of my own life.
Lucas and I are still together, and he has been
so supportive during all these changes. They were many times
when I was anxious and scared, but instead of holding
those inside and dealing with them alone, I allowed myself
to be open and vulnerable with him. It has been
incredibly freeing not having to bottle those feelings up and

(03:30):
trusting that Lucas is there for me in those moments.
Max's mom ended up passing away from pancreatic cancer shortly
after our session. And that was one of the hardest
moments of my life. It was difficult losing such an
important person to me. I've never cried so hard in
front of someone the way that I did in front
of Lucas. He held me and let me cry, and

(03:52):
I'm not sure I've ever felt so safe with someone
like I did then. I think because of that, it
has allowed me to be open about certain things in
our relationship that we needed to deal with. I remember
Laurie saying that in the past, I have been afraid
that bringing up issues will cause the relationship to break,
but in reality, not bringing up those issues is what

(04:12):
will cause the relationship to break. I have thought about
that many times when I've been scared to address things,
but it has motivated me to push through that anxiety
and to talk about it. And you were right, it
has only gotten easier the more that I've done it.
A few months after I sent that letter to my family,
I ended up spending some time with them in person.

(04:34):
At one point, my mom said, we want you to
be in a happy and loving relationship in the way
that God defines it. I felt really hurt by that,
and honestly I completely shut down, but As I thought
about it more, I decided I needed to stand up
for myself in person, not just in a letter. I
worked up the courage to address the comment with them
and shared how it felt to hear what they said.

(04:57):
I told them that they continued to disregard and ignore
or who I am, telling them that I am, and
that it's a part of me that will never go away.
I told them that I am proud of and love
who I am, and that it has taken me a
long time to be able to say that. I reminded
them of the letter and said that I cannot keep
having this conversation with them, that I meant what I
said about not continuing a relationship if they could not

(05:20):
stop saying such hurtful things. They were defensive at first,
but I really stuck to my guns and redirected the
conversation back to how I felt and what I expected
moving forward. They later came and apologized for what they
said and said they sometimes forget that I'm a thirty
two year old man and I am free to make my
own decisions. Something Guy pointed out was that I was

(05:43):
comfortable sharing how other people felt, but rarely was able
to speak to my own true feelings. I never realized
I did that until I listened back to the session
and heard how little I spoke of my feelings and
how limited my vocabulary of those feelings was. I've been
on quite the exploration since our session and had been
trying to be more in tune with who I am

(06:04):
and what I am feeling. Opening up to the two
of you was a huge first step towards finding myself.
I was ready to change, but felt so stuck and
didn't know where to start. I don't feel like the
same person I was a year ago, and I'm sure
a year from now, listening back to this, I'll feel
the same way again. I can't thank you enough for
having me on the show. I truly had a transformational

(06:27):
year because of it. Thank you take care well.

Speaker 1 (06:35):
Doug said he had a truly transformational year, and he
truly did. We like to say as therapist that people
often change gradually then suddenly, So when people write to us,
they're typically wanting some change, and you can tell from
how they handle the homework who's actually ready, which is
different from wanting change, and who's not quite there. Doug

(06:58):
was clearly there even that first He really dived into
the homework, and he did some difficult things that moved
him really far outside of his comfort zone, like that
exercise we gave him with Lucas, and then also confronting
his family who refused to acknowledge that he's gay and
that he had a loving partner. So there were so
many changes. He quit his job, he started grad school,

(07:19):
he bought a house. So because he was ready, it's
not surprising that once the train had left the station,
it wasn't going to stop.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
I'm smiling when you're saying that, because that's a little
bit the image I had listening to him, that it's
this freight train that just like I'm going forward now
and everyone better get out of the way kind of
thing in a good way. And I think that it
was amazing to hear, because yes, he said he found
his own voice, and he really has. In the session,
he confronted his family by writing an email to them,

(07:48):
and if I recall, it took them a while to
respond to it. But here he did it on the phone,
and not just he did it on the phone, he
did it in a much clearer way. I cannot be
in a relationship with you if you cannot accept who
I am if you don't respect my basic personhood. And
when they try and redirect, no, he brings them back

(08:08):
to it and insists again, that is truly assertive, that
is truly finding your own voice, insisting that if you
want to be in a relationship with me, if you
love me, then you have to accept me. That was
lovely to hear. And the other thing I really thought
was amazing to hear he remembered that I said that
he's been paying too much attention to other people's feelings

(08:28):
rather than his own, and here he was able to
when he was grieving, really pay attention to his own feelings,
lean on Lucas, get that embrace for him, be vulnerable
and sad with him, and as he said, feeling so
so safe with Lucas. That's him really prioritizing his feelings
and his needs are not worrying about how that will

(08:50):
come across to Lucas. That was great to hear too.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
Yeah, he's really breaking these long standing patterns that he
had in all of his relationships with his parents, with
Matt the ex boyfriend, and learning how to do something
different with Lucas. I'm really glad he remembered that moment
in the session when he was really concerned that bringing
something up would cause relationships to break to end, and

(09:14):
we reminded him that talking about something will not cause
a relationship to break. It's not talking about something that
will cause a relationship to break. And if talking about
something does cause a relationship to break, that is not
the relationship that you want to be in.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
And I want to just go back to what you
said about him being ready. This is what you see
when someone is ready, They will make changes in almost
every area of their lives. Because when you are changing
something internally, it should be reflected in all kinds of
areas of your life. And here he was quitting his job,

(09:50):
starting school, strengthening his relationship with his boyfriend, and trying
to change the relationship with his family into a much
healthier one, firing on all cylinders. And that's what's so
gratifying to see. When you're ready for change, it can
happen all around you.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
Next week, we're checking in with Melissa, who had trouble
tolerating her children's emotions, to hear how she's doing one
year later.

Speaker 5 (10:18):
I don't think I typically will respond with a lot
of empathy. I feel like almost a repulsion to the child,
like just get away from me, just go away, leave
me alone. I mean I get to the point where
I feel like I hate the child.

Speaker 1 (10:32):
If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for
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help support Dear Therapists by telling your friends about it
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help people to find the show.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited
by Josh Fisher, thistional editing support by Helena Rosen, John
Washington and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily

(11:08):
Gutierrez and Silver Lifton and special thanks to our podcast
fairy Godmother Katie Curic. We can't wait to see you
at our next session. Deotherapist is a production of iHeartRadio

Speaker 5 (11:23):
Fisherfood