June 17, 2025 • 12 mins
This week we’re checking in with Lauren, who came to us feeling a lot of shame around her lack of sexual experience, to hear how she’s doing one year later.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
column for the Atlantic.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,
and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.
And this is Dear Therapists. This week, we're going to
check in on our guests from season two to hear
how they're doing a year later.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.
It does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is
not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed
for the privacy of our guests.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Today, we're checking in with Lauren from season two. Her
episode was called Lauren's Sexual Shame. The issue was that
Lauren didn't have sex until she was in her thirties,
and she didn't have many relationships since then either. So
when she came to Ask last year, and she's in
her fifties at this she felt really embarrassed about her
(01:02):
lack of relationship experience. She was convinced that men would
judge her for not having that experience. We also learned
during the session that Lauren had been responsible for her
mother's emotional will being growing up and her physical will
being later in life, and she actually lived with Lauren
then until she died. Lauren's mother gave her the message
in subtle and sometimes not very subtle ways, that she
(01:23):
should be there for her instead of being out there
and dating like her sisters who had full lives.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Yeah, and Lauren really didn't see the extent of this
imperative that her mother conveyed to her over the years,
and how her feeling guilty and disloyal really sabotaged her
efforts to be in a serious relationship in early adulthood,
and in fact, her first sexual experience didn't occur until
after her mother died. And as a result of all this,
(01:50):
Lauren really saw herself as damaged and she had a
lot of shame around this, rather than seeing herself as
being someone who was kind and compassionate and loyal for
the sacrifices that she did make. So let's get a
reminder from that session.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
I guess I'm afraid to get into a relationship in
a sense because then people ask you like about your history,
and it's embarrassing one to be fifty three and single.
I know children, and you know when you mentioned that
to people, male or female, they're always like shocked. And
I've had people say, oh gosh, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
And now let's hear how Lauren is doing.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
One year later, Hi, Laurian guy, this says Lauren. A
lot's changed. I moved to the city where I'd wanted
to live for a very long long time, and I
went against everybody else's advice and moved where I wanted to.
I'm really enjoying my life here. The biggest change that
I made is just being nicer and more compassionate to myself,
(03:12):
and I think that's allowed me to open up and
deepen my friendships in relationships with people, I feel like
I'm able to be a little bit more vulnerable, more loving,
and I feel happier. I'm having deeper relationships, more honest relationships.
I actually met someone. I met a guy who I
(03:32):
really really liked, and for the first time in my life,
I was able to actually tell this guy what I
liked about him, what I didn't like. You know, if
he did something I didn't like, I brought it to
his attention in a gentle way out like pointing the finger.
He actually appreciated how I communicated with him. I ended
up breaking up with him basically because relationship wasn't headed
(03:56):
in the direction that I wanted to go in. It's
the first time in my life that I've actually broken
up with someone. So I feel although I'm sad because
I wanted to work out, I feel proud of myself
that I was actually able to break up with someone,
someone who I really liked a lot. And so instead
(04:17):
of just staying in a relationship to be in a
relationship where to get only half of what I want,
I decided I was worth more and that I wasn't
just going to stick around for crumbs. That for me,
it is huge.
Speaker 5 (04:34):
I think.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
One of the things is that Laurie pointed out, like
how I was really influenced by living with my mother
and grandmother, who were both widowed and never remarried and
never dated after their husbands died. So I thought about
that a lot, and I see where I was living
(04:54):
my life based on somebody else's expectations or just learned
behavior from them. One of the big things that I've
learned recently is that I make a lot of decision
based on what other people think I should do. Like,
for example, my sister is very big into telling me
what to do, and I realized that it's not good
for me to listen to her. My life is not hers.
(05:15):
I'm not a married woman with children, so I can't
expect to live the life of a married woman with children.
I have to live the life that I have based
on my circumstances and my wants and desires. I think
that being more self compassionate made me value myself more too,
not just relationships, but on the job. I was actually
(05:38):
working for someone who's a part time job and she
hadn't paid me for six weeks, and she acted like
I had a lot of nerve asking for money, and
so I basically decided one night, I'm just going to
tell her that was my last weekend that I'm working.
When I told her that, she was kind of floored.
She was, what, You're not afraid you're going to get
(06:01):
the money? And I'm like, no, I just don't like
the way I've been treating So I found myself standing
up for myself, which is a new thing for me.
So I think that in talking with you guys. It
kind of acted as a catalyst to start taking a better,
more detailed look at my life. So I really appreciate you,
(06:23):
Laurie and Guy for the insight that you gave me,
the things that you pointed out, and the advice. I'm
very grateful. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
That was really great to hear. Lauren has done a
lot over this year. A few things really stood out
for me, and one is the self compassion that she's practicing.
You could hear the joy in her voice where she
said it was like, this feels good to be self compassionate.
It feels good to be kind to yourself, and it's
also allowing her to be more vulnerable and it to
(06:57):
deepen her friendships. So I think that was a really
pivotal thing for her to really try and move away
from the judgmentals, criticism and become more self compassionate. And
it's part of a larger thing that she's doing, which
she's looking inside more, she's figuring out what she wants.
She's lowering the volume on what everyone around her thinks
(07:19):
so she can hear her own internal voice more clearly
and make the decisions that are right for her, Like
moving to the city.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I love that. She said she's not living her life
based on others expectations anymore. And I think what's really
interesting is that we talked in the session about how
she missed all those years of developing into her full
adult self because she was living really at the service
of her mother for all those years, and then after
her mother died, she still didn't really have what we
(07:47):
were talking about, the self compassion, the perspective of hey,
I missed all this time, and it's okay that I'm
making up for lost time. And I think over this
last year she really took that to heart. She's had
a real shift in perspective and that shows. With the
guy that she was dating, she was very open with
him and clear with herself about what was working for her,
(08:11):
what was not working for her, and it sounds like
she communicated that in a very kind way, so she
didn't overcompensate. She was very clear and reasonable, and she
said he even appreciated that, and ultimately he wasn't able
to give her what she wanted. She said she didn't
want fifty percent of her relationship. She wanted a full relationship.
She didn't want crumbs and that shows that now she
(08:33):
appreciates her value, she knows her worth. And I think
that also showed up where she was standing up for
herself not only in that relationship, but in her job
where she wasn't being paid on time. So she trusts
that she's asking for something reasonable, and that is a
big shift for her.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
It's truly a big shift. And we always point out
that when people make changes that then generalize to other
areas of their life, it means they made that change
from a very deep place. And so that self compassion
that she's been practicing, getting in touch with her own
needs and feelings, and even being willing to break up
(09:12):
with someone in which the relationship is going well but
just not well enough. All those really assertive acts, and
that sets her up to be assertive in other domains
as well, like her job.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
And the one thing we didn't hear from Lauren that
I'm curious about is what's going on with her romantic
life now that she's out of this other relationship. So
is she actively dating? Is she asking her friends now
that she's more vulnerable with them? You know, do you
have anybody you can set me up with? Because that
makes it a positive experience. People love to set other
(09:44):
people up, people love to help people fall in love,
and she used to be so ashamed of her romantic
life that I hope she's opening up to people and saying,
you know, I really am looking for a partner. Do
you know anybody for me?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I also hope she's being active in her dating life.
I think what strikes me most here that the key
thing she did was that she was finally able to
change her story. And the change was that instead of
being this person who it's shameful that she never had sex,
she now sees herself as someone who had sacrificed so
much to take care of her mother. And what that
(10:18):
did is it delayter by ten years, and so very
soon after that she actually did find her first boyfriend,
she did have sex. Once she changed that story, it
freed her up so much that she's made incredible changes
over this one year. It's really great to hear that
she's finally living the life she deserves.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Next week, we'll check in with Hillary, an addictions counselor
who developed a new addiction of her own, to hear
how she's doing one year later.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
For the first time in my life, I experienced physical
symptoms of anxiety and to alleviate those physical symptoms. It
felt really good to fill up my car and buy something,
and I didn't realize that that's what was happening until
I was six thousand dollars in debt.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for
free so that you don't miss any episodes, and please
help support Dear Therapists by telling your friends about it
and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews really
help people to find the show.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited
by Josh Fisher. Additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John
Washington and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily
(11:44):
Gutierrez and Silver Lifton and special thanks to our podcast
Fairy Godmother Katie Curic. You can't wait to see you
at our next session. Deo Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio,
Fish Food
I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
column for the Atlantic.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,
and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.
And this is Dear Therapists. This week, we're going to
check in on our guests from season two to hear
how they're doing a year later.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.
It does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is
not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed
for the privacy of our guests.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Today, we're checking in with Lauren from season two. Her
episode was called Lauren's Sexual Shame. The issue was that
Lauren didn't have sex until she was in her thirties,
and she didn't have many relationships since then either. So
when she came to Ask last year, and she's in
her fifties at this she felt really embarrassed about her
(01:02):
lack of relationship experience. She was convinced that men would
judge her for not having that experience. We also learned
during the session that Lauren had been responsible for her
mother's emotional will being growing up and her physical will
being later in life, and she actually lived with Lauren
then until she died. Lauren's mother gave her the message
in subtle and sometimes not very subtle ways, that she
(01:23):
should be there for her instead of being out there
and dating like her sisters who had full lives.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Yeah, and Lauren really didn't see the extent of this
imperative that her mother conveyed to her over the years,
and how her feeling guilty and disloyal really sabotaged her
efforts to be in a serious relationship in early adulthood,
and in fact, her first sexual experience didn't occur until
after her mother died. And as a result of all this,
(01:50):
Lauren really saw herself as damaged and she had a
lot of shame around this, rather than seeing herself as
being someone who was kind and compassionate and loyal for
the sacrifices that she did make. So let's get a
reminder from that session.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
I guess I'm afraid to get into a relationship in
a sense because then people ask you like about your history,
and it's embarrassing one to be fifty three and single.
I know children, and you know when you mentioned that
to people, male or female, they're always like shocked. And
I've had people say, oh gosh, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
And now let's hear how Lauren is doing.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
One year later, Hi, Laurian guy, this says Lauren. A
lot's changed. I moved to the city where I'd wanted
to live for a very long long time, and I
went against everybody else's advice and moved where I wanted to.
I'm really enjoying my life here. The biggest change that
I made is just being nicer and more compassionate to myself,
(03:12):
and I think that's allowed me to open up and
deepen my friendships in relationships with people, I feel like
I'm able to be a little bit more vulnerable, more loving,
and I feel happier. I'm having deeper relationships, more honest relationships.
I actually met someone. I met a guy who I
(03:32):
really really liked, and for the first time in my life,
I was able to actually tell this guy what I
liked about him, what I didn't like. You know, if
he did something I didn't like, I brought it to
his attention in a gentle way out like pointing the finger.
He actually appreciated how I communicated with him. I ended
up breaking up with him basically because relationship wasn't headed
(03:56):
in the direction that I wanted to go in. It's
the first time in my life that I've actually broken
up with someone. So I feel although I'm sad because
I wanted to work out, I feel proud of myself
that I was actually able to break up with someone,
someone who I really liked a lot. And so instead
(04:17):
of just staying in a relationship to be in a
relationship where to get only half of what I want,
I decided I was worth more and that I wasn't
just going to stick around for crumbs. That for me,
it is huge.
Speaker 5 (04:34):
I think.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
One of the things is that Laurie pointed out, like
how I was really influenced by living with my mother
and grandmother, who were both widowed and never remarried and
never dated after their husbands died. So I thought about
that a lot, and I see where I was living
(04:54):
my life based on somebody else's expectations or just learned
behavior from them. One of the big things that I've
learned recently is that I make a lot of decision
based on what other people think I should do. Like,
for example, my sister is very big into telling me
what to do, and I realized that it's not good
for me to listen to her. My life is not hers.
(05:15):
I'm not a married woman with children, so I can't
expect to live the life of a married woman with children.
I have to live the life that I have based
on my circumstances and my wants and desires. I think
that being more self compassionate made me value myself more too,
not just relationships, but on the job. I was actually
(05:38):
working for someone who's a part time job and she
hadn't paid me for six weeks, and she acted like
I had a lot of nerve asking for money, and
so I basically decided one night, I'm just going to
tell her that was my last weekend that I'm working.
When I told her that, she was kind of floored.
She was, what, You're not afraid you're going to get
(06:01):
the money? And I'm like, no, I just don't like
the way I've been treating So I found myself standing
up for myself, which is a new thing for me.
So I think that in talking with you guys. It
kind of acted as a catalyst to start taking a better,
more detailed look at my life. So I really appreciate you,
(06:23):
Laurie and Guy for the insight that you gave me,
the things that you pointed out, and the advice. I'm
very grateful. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
That was really great to hear. Lauren has done a
lot over this year. A few things really stood out
for me, and one is the self compassion that she's practicing.
You could hear the joy in her voice where she
said it was like, this feels good to be self compassionate.
It feels good to be kind to yourself, and it's
also allowing her to be more vulnerable and it to
(06:57):
deepen her friendships. So I think that was a really
pivotal thing for her to really try and move away
from the judgmentals, criticism and become more self compassionate. And
it's part of a larger thing that she's doing, which
she's looking inside more, she's figuring out what she wants.
She's lowering the volume on what everyone around her thinks
(07:19):
so she can hear her own internal voice more clearly
and make the decisions that are right for her, Like
moving to the city.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I love that. She said she's not living her life
based on others expectations anymore. And I think what's really
interesting is that we talked in the session about how
she missed all those years of developing into her full
adult self because she was living really at the service
of her mother for all those years, and then after
her mother died, she still didn't really have what we
(07:47):
were talking about, the self compassion, the perspective of hey,
I missed all this time, and it's okay that I'm
making up for lost time. And I think over this
last year she really took that to heart. She's had
a real shift in perspective and that shows. With the
guy that she was dating, she was very open with
him and clear with herself about what was working for her,
(08:11):
what was not working for her, and it sounds like
she communicated that in a very kind way, so she
didn't overcompensate. She was very clear and reasonable, and she
said he even appreciated that, and ultimately he wasn't able
to give her what she wanted. She said she didn't
want fifty percent of her relationship. She wanted a full relationship.
She didn't want crumbs and that shows that now she
(08:33):
appreciates her value, she knows her worth. And I think
that also showed up where she was standing up for
herself not only in that relationship, but in her job
where she wasn't being paid on time. So she trusts
that she's asking for something reasonable, and that is a
big shift for her.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
It's truly a big shift. And we always point out
that when people make changes that then generalize to other
areas of their life, it means they made that change
from a very deep place. And so that self compassion
that she's been practicing, getting in touch with her own
needs and feelings, and even being willing to break up
(09:12):
with someone in which the relationship is going well but
just not well enough. All those really assertive acts, and
that sets her up to be assertive in other domains
as well, like her job.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
And the one thing we didn't hear from Lauren that
I'm curious about is what's going on with her romantic
life now that she's out of this other relationship. So
is she actively dating? Is she asking her friends now
that she's more vulnerable with them? You know, do you
have anybody you can set me up with? Because that
makes it a positive experience. People love to set other
(09:44):
people up, people love to help people fall in love,
and she used to be so ashamed of her romantic
life that I hope she's opening up to people and saying,
you know, I really am looking for a partner. Do
you know anybody for me?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
I also hope she's being active in her dating life.
I think what strikes me most here that the key
thing she did was that she was finally able to
change her story. And the change was that instead of
being this person who it's shameful that she never had sex,
she now sees herself as someone who had sacrificed so
much to take care of her mother. And what that
(10:18):
did is it delayter by ten years, and so very
soon after that she actually did find her first boyfriend,
she did have sex. Once she changed that story, it
freed her up so much that she's made incredible changes
over this one year. It's really great to hear that
she's finally living the life she deserves.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Next week, we'll check in with Hillary, an addictions counselor
who developed a new addiction of her own, to hear
how she's doing one year later.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
For the first time in my life, I experienced physical
symptoms of anxiety and to alleviate those physical symptoms. It
felt really good to fill up my car and buy something,
and I didn't realize that that's what was happening until
I was six thousand dollars in debt.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for
free so that you don't miss any episodes, and please
help support Dear Therapists by telling your friends about it
and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews really
help people to find the show.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited
by Josh Fisher. Additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John
Washington and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily
(11:44):
Gutierrez and Silver Lifton and special thanks to our podcast
Fairy Godmother Katie Curic. You can't wait to see you
at our next session. Deo Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio,
Fish Food
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