September 25, 2025 • 10 mins
This week we’re popping in your feed to tell you about a new show from Lemonada Media, Since You Asked.
Who doesn’t need advice—and who doesn’t love giving advice? Since you asked, we’re happy to answer. Each week, two friends—Gretchen Rubin, a happiness researcher, and Lori Gottlieb, a therapist—tackle the daily problems of living with all of you. Whether it’s the pet peeve that’s annoyed you for years, the question you’re too embarrassed to ask, or the dilemma you can’t solve, they’re here to talk it through.
They’ll also shake things up with a rotating mix with special segments that offer a fresh approach to tackling the problems of everyday life. We invite you to weigh in yourself, so get ready to bring your best advice. Whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we’re glad you’re here.
You’re about to hear a clip from the first episode from Since You Asked After you listen, head to: https://lemonada.lnk.to/SinceYouAskedfd to hear the full episode and follow the show.
Since You Asked is for entertainment purposes only. It’s not a substitute for medical, mental health, or other professional advice. Always consult a qualified professional with questions about your own situation. By sending us your question, you agree we may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin and I'm Laurie Gottlieb.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
We are dropping into your feed to share a podcast
we think you'll really like.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
It's our new show with Lemonad and Media called Since
You Asked.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Every week, we take on the problems of everyday life,
from that small annoyance that's been bugging you for years
to the big questions about love, work, family and meaning.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
And as a happiness researcher and as a therapist and
as longtime friends, we bring different perspectives to the table,
and of course a little bit of fun.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Because life is complicated enough, we want to help you
feel lighter, more understood, and maybe even inspired to try
something new.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
So today we're giving you a special preview. You are
about to hear a clip from the Since You Asked podcast,
and if you like what you hear, head to Since
You Asked to check out the rest of the episode.
You can also click on the link in the episode notes.
And we're back with a question from Nick about a
(01:01):
flaky friend.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my
question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've
known for probably about eight years or so, and we
hang off sort of semi regularly, maybe once a month,
once every two months or so. Every time that we're
together or he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems
like we get along really well. But for some reason,
I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to
(01:25):
make the plans, and I find that he'll often cancel
or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering
if I should take this as a hint that he
doesn't want to continue the friendship, and if so, would
it be best to just confront him directly and ask
him about this, or should I just simply stop trying
to make plans?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Thanks so much interesting. I think this comes up quite
a bit in friendship.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
It does this question of who's initiating and do I matter?
And are we both as invested in this friendship as
the other person is. I think here Nick said they've
been friends for eight years, and it sounds like the
friend so it's in the effort to get together about
what's a month, which, by the way, for eight years.
I don't think that's insignificant. No, that's a lot, right.
(02:08):
I don't think that's a question of whether the friend
enjoys hanging out with him, because the friend would not
get together that much over this long period of time
if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this, where there's
an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue
that brings people together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the
friend is not interested in the friendship, because as you say,
he's showing up regularly, and that shows that he values
the friendship and enjoys spending time together.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you
have to initiate every time, and when someone cancels and
then you feel like you're not a priority. And maybe
you have tickets to a concert and they canceled the
last minute, or reservations at a restaurant. But I think
that what Nick needs to think about is that we
have different kinds of dynamics with different friends, and people
have different personalities, and I think Nick has to really
(03:00):
decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is
worth the inconvenience, because this person comes with his quality.
I always say, you can't order people up all a cart.
There are no substitutions, you take them as they are
and you enjoy the meal, or you just don't order
the meal. And I think he has to decide, do
I want to keep ordering this meal? Is that worth
it to me?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
So I have this personality framework that I created, the
four Tendancies, that divides people into four tendencies, and one
is the rebel. And something that is a very typical
of rebels other people sometimes as well, but very typical
of rebels is that they really dislike having things on
their calendar, and they will often cancel even if they
want to do something. They want to see you, they
(03:41):
enjoy hanging out with you, they do want to go
to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling
of being expected to go someplace and having it on
their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if
that's true, don't take it personally, as you say, this
is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't
reflect on their friendship, and so it's just something to
take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a
(04:04):
rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things
open and more free flowing, so the person has a
greater sense of freedom and choice. So you can say
something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike
Saturday morning, let me know if you want to join,
Or it could be fun to get drinks at the
new bar.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I'm getting a group together.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
You can come if you want and keeping it open
like that. That tends to work better for people who
are rebels.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
And so I think what we're saying is the friend
is who he is, and sometimes we want to change
the friend, but maybe we need to think about how
we're going to bilt it on our side. So what
is our advice. Our advice is, don't take it personally.
It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you. And at
the same time, manage your expectations. Don't count on this
person not canceling, and maybe even have a backup plan.
(04:47):
Don't buy non refundable tickets unless you want to go
by yourself, or maybe you have another friend who wants
to sub in at the last minute, right right, And
remember what you value about the person, and also in mind,
this is the friend I have. We have many different
kinds of friends.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
With my marriage, I often say to myself when I'm
thinking about something that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamiens,
that's not the guy I'm married. We get different things
from different relationships, and so again it's as you were saying,
you have to think about, well is this trade off
worth it to me?
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Right? And I like, that's not the guy I'm married,
That's not the friend I have. So it doesn't mean
that the friend isn't a good friend. Just like you
love your husband, but there are certain things that that's
just not the guy you married. That's just not the
friend you have. And so part of that is accepting
that in this friendship you're going to have to be
doing the work. And if the friendship isn't worth your
doing the heavy lifting, that's something that you need to evaluate.
(05:41):
But again, it sounds like you value this person and
if you can accept that this is who he is. Like,
some people are just really messy. Yes, I see this
in couples all the time, where somebody's like, but this
person leaves the bedroom really messy, and that means they
don't respect me and they don't care about what's important
to me. They really have trouble not being messy. And
it sounds like this friend really has trouble not canceling plans.
(06:05):
So this is again no substitutions. This is the friend
that he is, and that's where you have to evaluate
whether that is enough for you.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
What do you think? I think that he can talk
to his friend once and say, when you cancel, it
makes me feel, however it makes him feel, but I
would not expect any change. So I think it's worth
mentioning because it's important in friendships to be open and honest.
But the friend might say something like, oh, I'm really sorry,
(06:37):
I'll try not to do that anymore, but don't expect
that to happen. It sounds like this is just something
about the friend and that's how he is, and it's
worth mentioning just so he knows and maybe he can
make an effort, but I think it's going to be
really hard for him to make a substantial change.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give
credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and
to others that you're doing by making the effort to
strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort, and
it's really really valuable. The people who do the work
of friendship are really important, And it reminds me of
this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's brilliant The Autobiography of
(07:17):
Alice by Tolklus and she's talking about Guillolma Paulinaire and
she wrote the death of Guillolma Paulinaire at this time
made a very serious difference to all his friends. Apart
from their sorrow at his death, it was the moment
just after the war when many things had changed and
people naturally fell apart. Gwillolm would have been a bond
of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together,
(07:39):
and now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends.
Having that quality of keeping people together is really really important.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, And I think, especially when so many people are
saying I want more connection, sometimes part of getting that
connection isn't about keeping score about who's doing more. It's
about if you want that connection and be the glue.
It's not a contest.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
And then before we go, are you ready to give
some advice. Here is a question to ponder. We will
discuss it in the next episode, and we would love
to hear your thoughts.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
It's from Raya and it goes like this, I've been
having more of a moral dilemma recently in my relationship
and I would love for your advice on the situation.
So for context, I've been dating my boyfriend for a
little over four months now. In the very early stages
of him and I, his roommate and best friend let's
call him Jack, was seeing my roommate. About one week
(08:40):
into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack cheated on
my roommate. It was a very messy breakup, as most
cheating related breakups are, because my roommate found texts between
Jack and the girl let's call her Carly, in which
it was very clear that Carly knew my roommate was
in the picture, yet proceeded anyway. Aside from being absolutely
devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact of Jack
(09:02):
and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of our friendships,
made my living situation uncomfortable, and to this day has
been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. After
things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other in secret,
but recently they've become more serious and have started to
hang out with our friends and are always at the
house whenever I go to see. My boyfriend Jack has
(09:25):
yet to own up to his actions or apologize for
the impact it had on me, but Carly recently reached
out trying to make amends. She has expressed interest in
taking responsibility for her actions, but also said that she
would like to get to know me when I am
ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in making amends
or getting to know her, but my boyfriend has been
pushing me to forgive and forget. My question is how
(09:48):
do I reduce the strain that this has on my
relationship without feeling like I am compromising on my moral values.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Ooof that is a messy situation.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
That's a tough Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected to
everybody else. There's a lot to think about in a
lot going on.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
So we want to hear what you all think about
this question because we're going to tackle it next time.
Think about what your advice might be, and we will
discuss it.
Hello, I'm Gretchen Rubin and I'm Laurie Gottlieb.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
We are dropping into your feed to share a podcast
we think you'll really like.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
It's our new show with Lemonad and Media called Since
You Asked.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Every week, we take on the problems of everyday life,
from that small annoyance that's been bugging you for years
to the big questions about love, work, family and meaning.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
And as a happiness researcher and as a therapist and
as longtime friends, we bring different perspectives to the table,
and of course a little bit of fun.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Because life is complicated enough, we want to help you
feel lighter, more understood, and maybe even inspired to try
something new.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
So today we're giving you a special preview. You are
about to hear a clip from the Since You Asked podcast,
and if you like what you hear, head to Since
You Asked to check out the rest of the episode.
You can also click on the link in the episode notes.
And we're back with a question from Nick about a
(01:01):
flaky friend.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
My name is Nick from Los Angeles, California. So my
question is regarding a friendship. I have a friend I've
known for probably about eight years or so, and we
hang off sort of semi regularly, maybe once a month,
once every two months or so. Every time that we're
together or he seems to be enjoying himself. It seems
like we get along really well. But for some reason,
I've noticed that I'm always the one who has to
(01:25):
make the plans, and I find that he'll often cancel
or reschedule right at the last minute. So I'm wondering
if I should take this as a hint that he
doesn't want to continue the friendship, and if so, would
it be best to just confront him directly and ask
him about this, or should I just simply stop trying
to make plans?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Thanks so much interesting. I think this comes up quite
a bit in friendship.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
It does this question of who's initiating and do I matter?
And are we both as invested in this friendship as
the other person is. I think here Nick said they've
been friends for eight years, and it sounds like the
friend so it's in the effort to get together about
what's a month, which, by the way, for eight years.
I don't think that's insignificant. No, that's a lot, right.
(02:08):
I don't think that's a question of whether the friend
enjoys hanging out with him, because the friend would not
get together that much over this long period of time
if he didn't enjoy hanging out with him.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, it's just some friendships are like this, where there's
an imbalance of who initiates and who is the glue
that brings people together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the
friend is not interested in the friendship, because as you say,
he's showing up regularly, and that shows that he values
the friendship and enjoys spending time together.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
And so it's tricky because it is frustrating when you
have to initiate every time, and when someone cancels and
then you feel like you're not a priority. And maybe
you have tickets to a concert and they canceled the
last minute, or reservations at a restaurant. But I think
that what Nick needs to think about is that we
have different kinds of dynamics with different friends, and people
have different personalities, and I think Nick has to really
(03:00):
decide if his enjoyment and connection with this person is
worth the inconvenience, because this person comes with his quality.
I always say, you can't order people up all a cart.
There are no substitutions, you take them as they are
and you enjoy the meal, or you just don't order
the meal. And I think he has to decide, do
I want to keep ordering this meal? Is that worth
it to me?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
So I have this personality framework that I created, the
four Tendancies, that divides people into four tendencies, and one
is the rebel. And something that is a very typical
of rebels other people sometimes as well, but very typical
of rebels is that they really dislike having things on
their calendar, and they will often cancel even if they
want to do something. They want to see you, they
(03:41):
enjoy hanging out with you, they do want to go
to that concert, but they just really dislike the feeling
of being expected to go someplace and having it on
their calendar. And this is helpful to Nick because if
that's true, don't take it personally, as you say, this
is just something that is on the menu. It doesn't
reflect on their friendship, and so it's just something to
take into account as Nick makes plans. Sometimes with a
(04:04):
rebel or people like this, it's easier to keep things
open and more free flowing, so the person has a
greater sense of freedom and choice. So you can say
something like, oh, I'm thinking of going on a hike
Saturday morning, let me know if you want to join,
Or it could be fun to get drinks at the
new bar.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I'm getting a group together.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
You can come if you want and keeping it open
like that. That tends to work better for people who
are rebels.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
And so I think what we're saying is the friend
is who he is, and sometimes we want to change
the friend, but maybe we need to think about how
we're going to bilt it on our side. So what
is our advice. Our advice is, don't take it personally.
It doesn't sound like he doesn't like you. And at
the same time, manage your expectations. Don't count on this
person not canceling, and maybe even have a backup plan.
(04:47):
Don't buy non refundable tickets unless you want to go
by yourself, or maybe you have another friend who wants
to sub in at the last minute, right right, And
remember what you value about the person, and also in mind,
this is the friend I have. We have many different
kinds of friends.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
With my marriage, I often say to myself when I'm
thinking about something that I don't particularly appreciate about my husband, Jamiens,
that's not the guy I'm married. We get different things
from different relationships, and so again it's as you were saying,
you have to think about, well is this trade off
worth it to me?
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Right? And I like, that's not the guy I'm married,
That's not the friend I have. So it doesn't mean
that the friend isn't a good friend. Just like you
love your husband, but there are certain things that that's
just not the guy you married. That's just not the
friend you have. And so part of that is accepting
that in this friendship you're going to have to be
doing the work. And if the friendship isn't worth your
doing the heavy lifting, that's something that you need to evaluate.
(05:41):
But again, it sounds like you value this person and
if you can accept that this is who he is. Like,
some people are just really messy. Yes, I see this
in couples all the time, where somebody's like, but this
person leaves the bedroom really messy, and that means they
don't respect me and they don't care about what's important
to me. They really have trouble not being messy. And
it sounds like this friend really has trouble not canceling plans.
(06:05):
So this is again no substitutions. This is the friend
that he is, and that's where you have to evaluate
whether that is enough for you.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
So Nick asked, should he talk to his friend about it?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
What do you think? I think that he can talk
to his friend once and say, when you cancel, it
makes me feel, however it makes him feel, but I
would not expect any change. So I think it's worth
mentioning because it's important in friendships to be open and honest.
But the friend might say something like, oh, I'm really sorry,
(06:37):
I'll try not to do that anymore, but don't expect
that to happen. It sounds like this is just something
about the friend and that's how he is, and it's
worth mentioning just so he knows and maybe he can
make an effort, but I think it's going to be
really hard for him to make a substantial change.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
On a slightly different note, I would say, Nick, give
credit to yourself and recognize the value to yourself and
to others that you're doing by making the effort to
strengthen bonds. That takes time and energy and effort, and
it's really really valuable. The people who do the work
of friendship are really important, And it reminds me of
this beautiful passage from Gertrude Stein's brilliant The Autobiography of
(07:17):
Alice by Tolklus and she's talking about Guillolma Paulinaire and
she wrote the death of Guillolma Paulinaire at this time
made a very serious difference to all his friends. Apart
from their sorrow at his death, it was the moment
just after the war when many things had changed and
people naturally fell apart. Gwillolm would have been a bond
of union. He always had a quality of keeping people together,
(07:39):
and now that he was gone, everybody ceased to be friends.
Having that quality of keeping people together is really really important.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, And I think, especially when so many people are
saying I want more connection, sometimes part of getting that
connection isn't about keeping score about who's doing more. It's
about if you want that connection and be the glue.
It's not a contest.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
And then before we go, are you ready to give
some advice. Here is a question to ponder. We will
discuss it in the next episode, and we would love
to hear your thoughts.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
It's from Raya and it goes like this, I've been
having more of a moral dilemma recently in my relationship
and I would love for your advice on the situation.
So for context, I've been dating my boyfriend for a
little over four months now. In the very early stages
of him and I, his roommate and best friend let's
call him Jack, was seeing my roommate. About one week
(08:40):
into my boyfriend and I officially dating, Jack cheated on
my roommate. It was a very messy breakup, as most
cheating related breakups are, because my roommate found texts between
Jack and the girl let's call her Carly, in which
it was very clear that Carly knew my roommate was
in the picture, yet proceeded anyway. Aside from being absolutely
devastating to my friend and roommate, the impact of Jack
(09:02):
and Carly's actions completely changed the dynamic of our friendships,
made my living situation uncomfortable, and to this day has
been a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. After
things happened, Jack and Carly kept seeing each other in secret,
but recently they've become more serious and have started to
hang out with our friends and are always at the
house whenever I go to see. My boyfriend Jack has
(09:25):
yet to own up to his actions or apologize for
the impact it had on me, but Carly recently reached
out trying to make amends. She has expressed interest in
taking responsibility for her actions, but also said that she
would like to get to know me when I am
ready to. I have no interest whatsoever in making amends
or getting to know her, but my boyfriend has been
pushing me to forgive and forget. My question is how
(09:48):
do I reduce the strain that this has on my
relationship without feeling like I am compromising on my moral values.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Ooof that is a messy situation.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
That's a tough Yeah, it's confusing. Everybody's so connected to
everybody else. There's a lot to think about in a
lot going on.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
So we want to hear what you all think about
this question because we're going to tackle it next time.
Think about what your advice might be, and we will
discuss it.
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