Nicole’s Family Divorce One Year Later

This week we’re checking in with Nicole, who felt stuck in the middle of her parents’ divorce, to hear how she’s doing one year later.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
column for the Atlantic. And I'm Guy Winch. I'm the
author of Emotional First Aid, and I write the Dear
Guy advice column f TED. And this is Dear Therapists.
This week we're going to check in on a guest
from season two to hear how they're doing a year later. First,

(00:25):
a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.
It does not constitute medical or psychological advice and is
not a substitute for professional health care advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional,
or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter,

(00:46):
you are agreeing to let iHeart Media use it in
part orn full, and we may edit it for length
and clarity. In the sessions you'll hear, all names have
been changed for the privacy of our guests. So today
we're going to hear from Nicole. Nicole's episode was called
Nicole's Family Divorce. Nicole's parents were getting divorced out of

(01:06):
forty years, and Nicole had a lot of feelings about it,
even though she was an adult, because adults often do
have feelings when their parents get divorced. But Nicole had
always been in this role in her family of being
a mediator, and so she really struggled to make space
for her own feelings because her parents and her sister
were all coming to her for support. So Nicole really

(01:28):
wanted to get out of the middle of her parents problems.
Let's get a reminder of how that session went. It's
kind of always been my role in life has been
the listener. So it's my parents, my mom, my dad,
and then my sister. Everybody always comes to me when
they have a problem with somebody else in the family,
and then I kind of carried the burden of everybody's

(01:50):
and try to give advice where possible. And at this
point though, it's kind of like everybody's coming to me,
and then everybody problem is with the other person, which
is a little more difficult. You're listening to dea therapists

(02:12):
will be back after a short break, and now let's
hear what's going on with Nicole. A year later, Hey, guys,
and Laurie I just want to check in with you

(02:33):
guys since we last chatted. I did get a new
job and it's been super great for me, and I
think that the thing that I changed the most since
talking to you guys is just being able to shut
off my engagement in the conversations with my parents. They
both definitely still try to drag me into it. They

(02:55):
both try to say things like, oh, your mom and
I got in a fight, how does she seem? Or
your dad not gotten a fight? How does he seem?
Which isn't fair, And to be honest, like I kind
of got sick of saying like I don't want to
talk about it, so I'm not to the point where
I just kind of yes my way through whatever they're saying.

(03:16):
I just want to know how you guys think that
I can really get more firm with them, or what
kind of wording I could use to help me with that.
I don't feel like it's fair for them to do
that to me, and I just don't know how to
say no. I guess I do really want to thank

(03:38):
you guys for your advice, though, I was able to
really work on my own feelings and how I feel
about stuff versus letting their feelings take over. Um, thanks
so much for all of your advice, and I can't
hear wait to hear what you guys is updated. So

(03:58):
it's good to hear that. Nicole is really clear that
it's unfair that her parents try and put her in
the middle. And it sounds like the best she's been
able to do is not engage them when they do
put her in the middle. But what Nicole is struggling
with is what a lot of people struggle with when
they try to set limits. They set the limits. She
told her parents, I don't want you to come to me.

(04:19):
It's not fair to put me in the middle. That's
not good for me. She did that part, But limits
setting has two parts. The first part is very quick,
that's setting the limit. The big part is the need
to maintain that limit thereafter, time and time and time
again if necessary. And that's where she's struggling. She's not aware.

(04:40):
I think that she needs to continue to set that
limit and remind them of it each time. The minute
her father says, oh, I had an argument with your mom, Dad, Dad,
to remind you, that's not something I want to hear,
So please do not address that to me. If you're
concerned about mom, contact mom, and the same to her mom.
If she needs to say it every time she speaks
with them, say it every time you speak with them, Nicole.

(05:01):
That's what maintaining the limit is about, right, And a
lot of people feel guilty doing that and they feel
like they need to apologize for setting the limit. But
now that Nicole realizes that indeed this is unfair, there's
nothing to apologize for here. She just needs to be
very clear and brief, and the important thing is the
consistency of the response. She can't sometimes give that response

(05:25):
and sometimes let them talk about the other parent, because
they're not going to get the message when you are
consistent with setting the boundary every single time that one
parent talks about the other. But she very kindly, very calmly,
very politely says, just a reminder, I don't want to
hear about your issues with mom or dad. Then that's

(05:46):
the only way they're going to get the message. Absolutely,
and consistency is the key word, because if you do
it four times and then the fifth you don't and
you indulge it. The message she would be giving her
parents is that some times it is okay when it's not,
and that's why the consistency is so important. And to
be clear, it's very emotionally laborious to keep having to

(06:09):
set limits with people. It's a difficult thing. It feels
like a confrontation. It's uncomfortable, but I'm reminding the code
and our listeners. The limit you said is you're letting
the person know what you will tolerate, not what they
want to do, but what you will or will not tolerate.
And when you're saying I will not tolerate that conversation,

(06:29):
you have to be incredibly consistent and make sure that
indeed you don't ever tolerate that conversation. That's the only
way to be consistent and for them to eventually, and
they will if you're consistent, get the message. I also
wonder what happened with her sister, because we had given
her an assignment where her sister would come to her
as well, and in one of those conversations, she discovered
that she and her sister were both quite upset about

(06:52):
the divorce, and we were hoping that maybe she and
her sister could be mutually supportive for each other so
there would be some reciprocity there wouldn't just be the
sister coming to Nicole, but Nicole could also go to
the sister. So Nicole, if you're listening, I hope that
you and your sister aren't able to have a more
reciprocal relationship because you're setting a boundary with her as well.

(07:14):
Because the thing about boundaries is that while it can
be scary and it might feel like you're doing something
aggressive and sometimes people feel like, well, that's just going
to make things very complicated, setting the boundary actually brings
clarity to the relationship, makes things less complicated, and brings
people closer together. Next week, we're going to check in

(07:36):
with Diane from season two to hear how she's doing
a year later. I had a really, really, really hard
time without loss. I was probably a month out from
surgery when my brother and sister in law announced they
were pregnant. It really kind of sucked the air out
of me because I was like, Oh, now she's going
to be pregnant, and oh, we could have been pregnant together.

(07:56):
And that really caused like a big friction in my
relationship with my brother and sister in law because I
just didn't want to be around them. If you're enjoying
our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for free so that
you don't miss any episodes, and please help support Dear
Therapists by telling your friends about it and leaving a
review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews really help people to

(08:19):
find the show. If you have a dilemma you'd like
to discuss with us, email us at Lori and Guy
at I heart media dot com. Our executive producer is
Noel Brown. We have produced and edited by Josh Fisher.
Additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John Washington and Zachary Fisher.
Are Interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily guccierrez and Silver Lifton.

(08:44):
And special thanks to our podcast fairy Godmother Katie Curic.
We can't wait to see you at our next session.
The A Therapist is a production of I Heart Radio.
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