May 14, 2025 • 21 mins
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Guess what you've got Decisions.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back, y'all to another hump day. We are here
to answer your questions. Please send them in to us,
because listen, y'all be in a DM like help girl,
we ain't seeing them, you know, Mandy organized send it
to the email. And also, we have a Patreon tier
that will get you a fast track to you got Decisions,
So if you're in a crisis, bitch, go on Patreon
(00:35):
to send him question.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
That's right, that will be the top tier. That's our
producer tier if you want the fast track. Otherwise, make
sure you send your email in to Decisions pod at
gmail dot com so.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
That we could read your question.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
All right, I'm gonna get right into this one this
week because it's a long one, but we got details.
I'm gonna give it somebody. I'm gonna read it like
our would our book No Holds Barred. Okay, make sure
you are order that now and get your tickets for
the tour nhbtour dot com. Okay, let's get into this, girl,
(01:11):
if you ever want a detail, if you ever want
a backstory, we get in it today.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
High decisions Decisions.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
So I'm in my first series relationship and I've been
feeling stuck for a while now. Also, do not roll
y'all eyes when I read her age. I'm twenty two
and my boyfriend is twenty six. We've been together for
several years and we live together now. He's had other
relationships before, but I lost my virginity to him. While
(01:42):
I care about him a lot, I'm starting to feel
like I'm the only one putting in the effort when
it comes to intimacy, both emotional and physical. To give
you some background, this isn't something new. It's been It's
been an ongoing issue for a while, and I'm feeling
more frustrated. I've tried talking to him multiple times about
(02:03):
how I'm not getting my needs met, but it feels
like nothing changes. For example, I've expressed to him that
I want him to put more effort into our intimacy.
I've told him that I want him to reciprocate, like
when we're being intimate. I want him to give me
oral too, or at least engage in four play in
a way that feels mutual. He'll sometimes reply, well, it
(02:24):
wasn't a problem before, and if we didn't get together
when we were teenagers, or as if I can't want
different or have different needs for our relationship and myself.
He has given me oral a few times over the years,
but it's not as often as I would like.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And when I've brought this up, he says he's fine
with it.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
I've asked him directly if he just doesn't like doing
it or something, or if something's wrong with me that
I should know, and he always assures me there's nothing wrong.
But even when we talk about sex, he'll smile and
we'll talk about the things we'll do to each other,
but it just doesn't follow through like i'd hope. I've
expressed that I want to feel wanted and desired in
(03:04):
this way, but it often feels like he just isn't
putting in the same energy. There's also a pattern where
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells because of
past mistakes, especially something that happened years ago when I
kissed another guy in front of him.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Oh girl, what she said.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I was young and it was a mistake, a bad decision,
but it feels like but it feels like.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
He's still holding onto it.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
It's hard because sometimes I feel like he's using it
as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy from me. Now,
if you will like more details or background off with this,
I could share. If you like gery, you wrote enough,
all right, keep going. The most recent incident that happened
was we were both in bed. I was rubbing on
his back. He guides my hand to his dick, so
(03:49):
of course I get excited and I start to rub
on him. I'm telling him things in his ear. I'm
starting to think of all the things he can do
to me. He pulls my shirt down, grabs my boobs.
I'm getting excited. I'm inching my way closer to his body,
wanting him to touch me below.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
He doesn't, but I'm getting wet.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Moments passed, he's finally but slowly moving his hand to
the rim of my shorts. I'm thinking, yes, finally touch
me there, but he doesn't. He moves his hand away
and over his head. I know he's enjoying it because
he was grunting and his dick was hard as fuck.
But now I'm back in my head again and instead
of thinking of all the things he can do to me,
(04:27):
I'm thinking why he isn't doing the things I want
him to. He eventually puts his dick in me, but
it doesn't feel like he even wants to have sex
with me for pleasure of both of us, but solely
for the pleasure of him. I try to redirect my thoughts.
He finishes, wipes me, then rubs on my legs. As
he's rubbing my legs, I ask him if he could
(04:48):
return the favor, and he replies, I'm going to sleep,
so out of frustration, I use the vibrator to take
care of myself right next to him in bed.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Honestly, I'm wondering that was too harsh, But I.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Was just so annoyed and frustrated because I feel like
he's not even trying. During this particular incident, I was sick,
so when I took out the vibrator to use on myself,
he said, you don't seem sick now, and I replied,
I'm sick, but my vagina isn't that.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
He was mad. He grabbed his pillow in a cover
girl and slept on the couch. Can I be honest,
hold on, were I don't know.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
They we'll see this was not the first time something
has happened like this. When he finishes and I don't,
I sometimes as to be taken care of.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
He'll say he's going to.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Sleep, actually falls asleep, or just instantly get mad that
I'm asking. Normally, I'll just go to the bathroom and
finish quietly, hold in my saved hold it in, save
my energy, and go to sleep or speak up, but
then we'll end up arguing. Unfortunately, there are times where
I'm satisfied by just giving, but the times I feel
(05:59):
like I need more and he doesn't reciprocate is my issue.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Lately, I've been feeling emotionally drained.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I even ended up crying while finishing myself off, which
has never happened before. I don't know if it's just
because of the high emotions or because of how he's
not meeting my needs. So here's where I'm struggling, and
here are the questions we're going to help her answer. Weezy,
Am I in the right for feeling upset and frustrated
(06:26):
by how he's treating me?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Or is it just me being overly sensitive? Number two?
What should I do moving forward? I don't want to
break up, but I can't keep feeling like I'm the
only one trying.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
How do I communicate this in a way that we'll
get through to him?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Number four?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Should I step back from being intimate with him until
things improve? Or is that something I might regret? And
the last question is was I being too harsh or
overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did. I
really don't want to walk away from this relationship, but
I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Where nothing changes.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation
and whether I'm justified in feeling this way after everything
that's happened. I hope my story makes sense to you.
Thank you so much for your time and help. Best
A fan.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
So I know we could just say, girl, break up
with him.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
There's more dickinacy, but she reiterated three times that she
does not want to walk away from this relationship, So
let's think of advice from that perspective.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Well, I want to tell you why you don't want
to walk away from this relationship, because we've all been there.
You don't want to start over, you don't want to
be without him, you're attached to him, he's comfort. But
you need to hear this because it's true that that
idea and that feeling you have of losing this person
(07:50):
being so awful is the feeling that he doesn't have
when it comes to pleasing you and honoring your relationship,
treating you kindly, making you happy, not making you feel bad.
There's a whole energy shift when someone is walking, going
to sleep on the couch all over the fact that
you just want to be pleased too. There's no mutual
(08:12):
attraction in these scenarios, and I think avoiding the whole
breakup conversation is sometimes difficult because we're just I can't
be the big Fis girl and be like, yeah, push
through when hearing stuff like this hurts my feelings. Frankly,
there's a chapter in No Hol's Barred where I talk
(08:35):
about having sex with someone and crying right after and
going to sleep right next to them, not knowing, like
not feeling pleased, not having orgasms like this story is
one that is tail as old as times, and we
are such loyalists as women that we don't want to
leave a situation we've been in for a while because
we feel like starting over is bad, But what else
(08:56):
is worse and bad is being with someone that treats
you that way. And it seems like you already have
had enough conversation. So yes, we'll go through these questions,
but we're not going to pretend like this is a
relationship anybody should be championing.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So that's just where I want to get out.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Oh yeah, I want to be clear, I'm not championing
this relationship as much as I do feel like sometimes
the easy way out is just telling you to leave
and go hop on a dating app and find someone else.
Let's be very clear, I've had sex far too many
times with someone that lost my trust, that betrayed me,
that my body was telling me was not the person
(09:32):
for me to stay with. Unfortunately, I also feel like
this is a relationship where you were adamant that you
stepped out or betrayed his trust. So unfortunately, where he's
not comfortable being as intimate as he wants to be
with or as you want him to be with you,
he may also just be that much in his head
(09:54):
where he has not forgiven.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
You for literally violating him in front of him.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
So I think that there is you do have to
hold yourself accountable, and you have by acknowledging that you
did make a mistake, and you did it in front
of him, And it wouldn't be without me thinking that
that could be a potential reason for him showing up
this way.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, of course it definitely also attributed.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
To like and yeah, like, so I want to say
where we could definitely tell you to leave his ass,
and we both think that you probably should and that
this is an unhealthy relationship. I can also be very
frank with you and say, girl, you twenty two, I
promise you this nigga will not exist in your life
by thirty. But that's coming from someone thirty four who
(10:40):
in her twenties may have thought she met the love
of her life. This is clearly someone that isn't mature
enough to hold space for you, your wants, your needs,
or communicate those things. So let's get through these questions.
Am I in the right or feeling upset and frustrated
by how he's treating me? I want to be very clear.
The other part is or am I being overly sensitive?
(11:01):
I think that we as women unfortunately attach the words
sensitive or nagging or coddling or codependent, like all of
these words that we attach negative things to. Sensitive being
one overly sensitive being a dramatization. I think you are
(11:21):
in the right for feeling how you want to feel,
and being upset and frustrated that your partner doesn't seem
interested in pleasing you is a valid response. Weezy, I'm
gonna let you answer this next one. What should she
(11:41):
do moving forward? She can't keep feeling like she's the
only one trying. But how should she communicate this in
a way that you think will actually get through to him?
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I think he need to stop communicating it during and after.
I think when the sex stuff is happening, it gets awkward.
No one knows what to do. You need to be
saying this before you. Guys have sex. Sometimes in person
conversation might be difficult, So if you got the balls
to do it on the phone, give them a call.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Right after you hear this episode.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
And be like, you know, something's really been on my mind.
You also need to approach the conversation with I understand
we chose to stay together, but forgiving and forgetting is
another thing. And is this happening like you need to
people that have I will say in the past, I
mean it's not happening in my current relationship, but in
the past when someone's fucked up, I do appreciate when
(12:33):
they say, yo, I know I did x y Z,
I know I hurt you. That acknowledgment goes a long way,
and I'm sure that you've already done that. But doing
it in the same conversation as the sex, because at
least you'll get your answer, Like, if it ain't a
smell nigga, is it the other niggas? What is it?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Cause you need to know because your brain, your anxiety,
all of that is going to go rampant.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I agree, absolutely, And I also think that it's just important.
And I say this I think as a tip I've
said it on the podcast that sometimes sex desires, fantasies,
things that you may want to try that are in
the norm. Clearly, oral sex isn't something that you say
(13:18):
you get all the time, but you've only got a
few times. Ask specifically for that. Don't just think for
it and want it to happen. When you are about
to have sex, tell him explicitly, Babe, tonight, I want
my pussy eight tonight.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
I want you to taste me tonight. I want to
please each.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Other orally only there's other ways to where you can
let it be known of what you specifically want and
everything else is a cherry on top. But don't let
sex be the whole pie, Like let everything else be
the cherry on top, and the whole Sunday be what
you want.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
And honestly, I don't even want you to go on
to the point where you like, let's try sixty nine
to night, so you have to trick like it's okay
to just receive, be a receiver and let someone enjoy you.
And I think there's so much guilt and anger going
around that, like you just can't get there, and the
conversations aren't happening outside of the bedroom, which is why
you're having issues in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
The next one, should I step back from being intimate
with him until things improve?
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Or is that something I might regret? I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
What you're saying is it sounds like something called an ultimatum.
I absolutely do not think that you should hold back
or punish him or keep sex out of the relationship
till things improve. I don't see how it will improve
if you're not doing it, And I don't think that
it's a fair thing for you to do. I know
(14:46):
you wouldn't like that done to you, and I think
that it eliminates the communication. I don't think it it's
healthy to completely remove it off the table until you
get what you want. That's kind of like throwing a tantrum.
It's not mature. And I think that if you genuinely
want to reach a level of intimacy, specifically physically and emotionally,
you can't lead with an ultimatum.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
And that's what that sounds like to me.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
You can't completely step back from being intimate until he
gives you.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
What you want, because we still don't know at this
point if the reason he's not giving you what you
want is because he's doing it as a punishment, and
so it's just right right and no communicating. The more
you play, the more you're not getting what you want.
He's playing a game with you and not being honest
because you flat out are like, well what is it?
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He's like, everything's cool.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
So I genuinely think both of you are doing disservice
by you not giving him no pussy in him playing
this game.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
The only thing and I'm sure you've heard this.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
So many times, communicate, communicate, communicate, and really the help
that you need is how to communicate, and I think
effectively it has to be outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
And if you do get too shy in person.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I know some people say it's better to do things
in person, but I think phone calls can be good too.
Sometimes we need to be in our isolated space, like
I don't know, I really feel like you've just got
a call and pull the band aid off.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Both of you know what's happening.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Yeah, And then the last question is was I being
too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way
I did? I don't know if you guys are deep
into the catalog of horrible decisions. I did this with
a previous partner and it was out of spite. It
was in my immature way to show him that I
(16:32):
didn't come, that I wasn't finished, and that he didn't
please me.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
And to be honest, it resulted in nothing. Bitch, he came.
So I don't think that it was too ursh or overreacting.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
But it's like, do you know, like when girls go
on to like their platforms and be like, oh, he
fumbled me, he lost me.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Bitch. If he wanted to be there, he would. If
he wanted to show up, he would.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
And so you thinking that you did that, you're doing
something to hurt his ego. He might just think you'd
be imre immature about it. I've done it before, so
this isn't me, you know, sounding like ooh, bitch. I
would never but even after the fact, it literally didn't
change anything. And to be honest, I was only doing
(17:21):
it to make him aware that he didn't make me come,
and because he was right there, bitch, I still never came.
So I don't think you were too harsh or overreacting.
I do think, however, your reaction was immature. I agree,
that's what I would.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Say about that.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
I do hope that you guys choose to communicate. I
do hope that you choose to get over this hump.
And it does sound like he possibly hasn't forgiven you
because you only acknowledged your mistake in the relationship and
not his. So I would just wonder if you guys
may need therapy. You are both also young, but not
(18:01):
it's it's always worth trying, And to be fair, I
would never say tell for anyone to stay in a
relationship where they're crying, unfulfilled emotionally and physically. Intimacy is
something that I just recently experienced and I absolutely crave
it and need it. And so if you're not getting
that and this all of the advice that we gave
(18:22):
you doesn't work, I just want to let you know.
Bit you young, and it's a whole lot of other people
out there.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
It's only gonna hurt for a little bit. Baby, It's
just it is.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I mean, no, no, no, no, I was hurt for
about a year and a half. And this is the
person you lost your virginity too, and the only person
you've been with Andy.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I reckon it works.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
I'm just saying I want to be real, like man
Joe bounced back.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
But I know that Nick bitch is at twenty two,
really think it's the end of day life and oh
my god, they lose it out all today.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Soulmate, we be dumb, we be delusional.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
In our twenties, and so I understand that she probably
is too.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Bitch.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I was delusionally, bitch, I was delusional at thirties, so
I can only imagine where she's feeling. And this is
the nigga who took her virginity. She said they've been
together since teenagers. This isn't gonna be easy, but I
have for you.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Sorry, my god, I was gonna say, we definitely need
to do some updates. We should be doing a YGD
update episode. That would be great. So I would really
appreciate if you could reply to the thread. If anyone's
ever sent us a question, reply and let us know
what you did with that advice.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I would be great to hear.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Absolutely well, guys, we're gonna leave you here. Make sure
you go to NHB tour dot com and check us
out on tour, where we bring no holds barred from
the pages to the stages on It is going to
be a live show like you've never seen it before,
with all of still the laughs, the kinksters and all
the things. We're really excited to be doing it, and
(19:48):
we cannot become a New York Times bestseller without your help.
So if you're listening to this and haven't yet pre ordered,
make sure you go online, local bookstores, Amazon, whatever you
need to to do order it. I just want to
shout out to we got a chance to meet some
of are horre Hive members at the Black Effect Fest,
and it was so awesome to know someone who lives
(20:11):
in a town where there is no black owned bookstores
purchased from a black owned bookstore in Philly literally, just
to be sure, literal Uncle Bobby's is the black owned
bookstore in Philadelphia, and she let us know that she
purchased from there because she wanted to support her black
owned bookstore. So you already know we're pushing that. So
(20:33):
make sure that you guys support us and thank you again.
We will see y'all and check y'all out on Monday
on Decisions Decisions, And just so you know, Horrible Decisions
has not gone anywhere, you just have to join the
Patreon Patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions Rank you I
If you would like to have us answer your questions.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
a terrible throuffle.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Guess what you've got Decisions.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome back, y'all to another hump day. We are here
to answer your questions. Please send them in to us,
because listen, y'all be in a DM like help girl,
we ain't seeing them, you know, Mandy organized send it
to the email. And also, we have a Patreon tier
that will get you a fast track to you got Decisions,
So if you're in a crisis, bitch, go on Patreon
(00:35):
to send him question.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
That's right, that will be the top tier. That's our
producer tier if you want the fast track. Otherwise, make
sure you send your email in to Decisions pod at
gmail dot com so.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
That we could read your question.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
All right, I'm gonna get right into this one this
week because it's a long one, but we got details.
I'm gonna give it somebody. I'm gonna read it like
our would our book No Holds Barred. Okay, make sure
you are order that now and get your tickets for
the tour nhbtour dot com. Okay, let's get into this, girl,
(01:11):
if you ever want a detail, if you ever want
a backstory, we get in it today.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
High decisions Decisions.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
So I'm in my first series relationship and I've been
feeling stuck for a while now. Also, do not roll
y'all eyes when I read her age. I'm twenty two
and my boyfriend is twenty six. We've been together for
several years and we live together now. He's had other
relationships before, but I lost my virginity to him. While
(01:42):
I care about him a lot, I'm starting to feel
like I'm the only one putting in the effort when
it comes to intimacy, both emotional and physical. To give
you some background, this isn't something new. It's been It's
been an ongoing issue for a while, and I'm feeling
more frustrated. I've tried talking to him multiple times about
(02:03):
how I'm not getting my needs met, but it feels
like nothing changes. For example, I've expressed to him that
I want him to put more effort into our intimacy.
I've told him that I want him to reciprocate, like
when we're being intimate. I want him to give me
oral too, or at least engage in four play in
a way that feels mutual. He'll sometimes reply, well, it
(02:24):
wasn't a problem before, and if we didn't get together
when we were teenagers, or as if I can't want
different or have different needs for our relationship and myself.
He has given me oral a few times over the years,
but it's not as often as I would like.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And when I've brought this up, he says he's fine
with it.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
I've asked him directly if he just doesn't like doing
it or something, or if something's wrong with me that
I should know, and he always assures me there's nothing wrong.
But even when we talk about sex, he'll smile and
we'll talk about the things we'll do to each other,
but it just doesn't follow through like i'd hope. I've
expressed that I want to feel wanted and desired in
(03:04):
this way, but it often feels like he just isn't
putting in the same energy. There's also a pattern where
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells because of
past mistakes, especially something that happened years ago when I
kissed another guy in front of him.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Oh girl, what she said.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
I was young and it was a mistake, a bad decision,
but it feels like but it feels like.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
He's still holding onto it.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
It's hard because sometimes I feel like he's using it
as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy from me. Now,
if you will like more details or background off with this,
I could share. If you like gery, you wrote enough,
all right, keep going. The most recent incident that happened
was we were both in bed. I was rubbing on
his back. He guides my hand to his dick, so
(03:49):
of course I get excited and I start to rub
on him. I'm telling him things in his ear. I'm
starting to think of all the things he can do
to me. He pulls my shirt down, grabs my boobs.
I'm getting excited. I'm inching my way closer to his body,
wanting him to touch me below.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
He doesn't, but I'm getting wet.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Moments passed, he's finally but slowly moving his hand to
the rim of my shorts. I'm thinking, yes, finally touch
me there, but he doesn't. He moves his hand away
and over his head. I know he's enjoying it because
he was grunting and his dick was hard as fuck.
But now I'm back in my head again and instead
of thinking of all the things he can do to me,
(04:27):
I'm thinking why he isn't doing the things I want
him to. He eventually puts his dick in me, but
it doesn't feel like he even wants to have sex
with me for pleasure of both of us, but solely
for the pleasure of him. I try to redirect my thoughts.
He finishes, wipes me, then rubs on my legs. As
he's rubbing my legs, I ask him if he could
(04:48):
return the favor, and he replies, I'm going to sleep,
so out of frustration, I use the vibrator to take
care of myself right next to him in bed.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Honestly, I'm wondering that was too harsh, But I.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Was just so annoyed and frustrated because I feel like
he's not even trying. During this particular incident, I was sick,
so when I took out the vibrator to use on myself,
he said, you don't seem sick now, and I replied,
I'm sick, but my vagina isn't that.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
He was mad. He grabbed his pillow in a cover
girl and slept on the couch. Can I be honest,
hold on, were I don't know.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
They we'll see this was not the first time something
has happened like this. When he finishes and I don't,
I sometimes as to be taken care of.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
He'll say he's going to.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Sleep, actually falls asleep, or just instantly get mad that
I'm asking. Normally, I'll just go to the bathroom and
finish quietly, hold in my saved hold it in, save
my energy, and go to sleep or speak up, but
then we'll end up arguing. Unfortunately, there are times where
I'm satisfied by just giving, but the times I feel
(05:59):
like I need more and he doesn't reciprocate is my issue.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Lately, I've been feeling emotionally drained.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I even ended up crying while finishing myself off, which
has never happened before. I don't know if it's just
because of the high emotions or because of how he's
not meeting my needs. So here's where I'm struggling, and
here are the questions we're going to help her answer. Weezy,
Am I in the right for feeling upset and frustrated
(06:26):
by how he's treating me?
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Or is it just me being overly sensitive? Number two?
What should I do moving forward? I don't want to
break up, but I can't keep feeling like I'm the
only one trying.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
How do I communicate this in a way that we'll
get through to him?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Number four?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Should I step back from being intimate with him until
things improve? Or is that something I might regret? And
the last question is was I being too harsh or
overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did. I
really don't want to walk away from this relationship, but
I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Where nothing changes.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation
and whether I'm justified in feeling this way after everything
that's happened. I hope my story makes sense to you.
Thank you so much for your time and help. Best
A fan.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
So I know we could just say, girl, break up
with him.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
There's more dickinacy, but she reiterated three times that she
does not want to walk away from this relationship, So
let's think of advice from that perspective.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Well, I want to tell you why you don't want
to walk away from this relationship, because we've all been there.
You don't want to start over, you don't want to
be without him, you're attached to him, he's comfort. But
you need to hear this because it's true that that
idea and that feeling you have of losing this person
(07:50):
being so awful is the feeling that he doesn't have
when it comes to pleasing you and honoring your relationship,
treating you kindly, making you happy, not making you feel bad.
There's a whole energy shift when someone is walking, going
to sleep on the couch all over the fact that
you just want to be pleased too. There's no mutual
(08:12):
attraction in these scenarios, and I think avoiding the whole
breakup conversation is sometimes difficult because we're just I can't
be the big Fis girl and be like, yeah, push
through when hearing stuff like this hurts my feelings. Frankly,
there's a chapter in No Hol's Barred where I talk
(08:35):
about having sex with someone and crying right after and
going to sleep right next to them, not knowing, like
not feeling pleased, not having orgasms like this story is
one that is tail as old as times, and we
are such loyalists as women that we don't want to
leave a situation we've been in for a while because
we feel like starting over is bad, But what else
(08:56):
is worse and bad is being with someone that treats
you that way. And it seems like you already have
had enough conversation. So yes, we'll go through these questions,
but we're not going to pretend like this is a
relationship anybody should be championing.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So that's just where I want to get out.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Oh yeah, I want to be clear, I'm not championing
this relationship as much as I do feel like sometimes
the easy way out is just telling you to leave
and go hop on a dating app and find someone else.
Let's be very clear, I've had sex far too many
times with someone that lost my trust, that betrayed me,
that my body was telling me was not the person
(09:32):
for me to stay with. Unfortunately, I also feel like
this is a relationship where you were adamant that you
stepped out or betrayed his trust. So unfortunately, where he's
not comfortable being as intimate as he wants to be
with or as you want him to be with you,
he may also just be that much in his head
(09:54):
where he has not forgiven.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
You for literally violating him in front of him.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
So I think that there is you do have to
hold yourself accountable, and you have by acknowledging that you
did make a mistake, and you did it in front
of him, And it wouldn't be without me thinking that
that could be a potential reason for him showing up
this way.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, of course it definitely also attributed.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
To like and yeah, like, so I want to say
where we could definitely tell you to leave his ass,
and we both think that you probably should and that
this is an unhealthy relationship. I can also be very
frank with you and say, girl, you twenty two, I
promise you this nigga will not exist in your life
by thirty. But that's coming from someone thirty four who
(10:40):
in her twenties may have thought she met the love
of her life. This is clearly someone that isn't mature
enough to hold space for you, your wants, your needs,
or communicate those things. So let's get through these questions.
Am I in the right or feeling upset and frustrated
by how he's treating me? I want to be very clear.
The other part is or am I being overly sensitive?
(11:01):
I think that we as women unfortunately attach the words
sensitive or nagging or coddling or codependent, like all of
these words that we attach negative things to. Sensitive being
one overly sensitive being a dramatization. I think you are
(11:21):
in the right for feeling how you want to feel,
and being upset and frustrated that your partner doesn't seem
interested in pleasing you is a valid response. Weezy, I'm
gonna let you answer this next one. What should she
(11:41):
do moving forward? She can't keep feeling like she's the
only one trying. But how should she communicate this in
a way that you think will actually get through to him?
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I think he need to stop communicating it during and after.
I think when the sex stuff is happening, it gets awkward.
No one knows what to do. You need to be
saying this before you. Guys have sex. Sometimes in person
conversation might be difficult, So if you got the balls
to do it on the phone, give them a call.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Right after you hear this episode.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
And be like, you know, something's really been on my mind.
You also need to approach the conversation with I understand
we chose to stay together, but forgiving and forgetting is
another thing. And is this happening like you need to
people that have I will say in the past, I
mean it's not happening in my current relationship, but in
the past when someone's fucked up, I do appreciate when
(12:33):
they say, yo, I know I did x y Z,
I know I hurt you. That acknowledgment goes a long way,
and I'm sure that you've already done that. But doing
it in the same conversation as the sex, because at
least you'll get your answer, Like, if it ain't a
smell nigga, is it the other niggas? What is it?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Cause you need to know because your brain, your anxiety,
all of that is going to go rampant.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I agree, absolutely, And I also think that it's just important.
And I say this I think as a tip I've
said it on the podcast that sometimes sex desires, fantasies,
things that you may want to try that are in
the norm. Clearly, oral sex isn't something that you say
(13:18):
you get all the time, but you've only got a
few times. Ask specifically for that. Don't just think for
it and want it to happen. When you are about
to have sex, tell him explicitly, Babe, tonight, I want
my pussy eight tonight.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
I want you to taste me tonight. I want to
please each.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Other orally only there's other ways to where you can
let it be known of what you specifically want and
everything else is a cherry on top. But don't let
sex be the whole pie, Like let everything else be
the cherry on top, and the whole Sunday be what
you want.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
And honestly, I don't even want you to go on
to the point where you like, let's try sixty nine
to night, so you have to trick like it's okay
to just receive, be a receiver and let someone enjoy you.
And I think there's so much guilt and anger going
around that, like you just can't get there, and the
conversations aren't happening outside of the bedroom, which is why
you're having issues in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I agree.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
The next one, should I step back from being intimate
with him until things improve?
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Or is that something I might regret? I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
What you're saying is it sounds like something called an ultimatum.
I absolutely do not think that you should hold back
or punish him or keep sex out of the relationship
till things improve. I don't see how it will improve
if you're not doing it, And I don't think that
it's a fair thing for you to do. I know
(14:46):
you wouldn't like that done to you, and I think
that it eliminates the communication. I don't think it it's
healthy to completely remove it off the table until you
get what you want. That's kind of like throwing a tantrum.
It's not mature. And I think that if you genuinely
want to reach a level of intimacy, specifically physically and emotionally,
you can't lead with an ultimatum.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
And that's what that sounds like to me.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
You can't completely step back from being intimate until he
gives you.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
What you want, because we still don't know at this
point if the reason he's not giving you what you
want is because he's doing it as a punishment, and
so it's just right right and no communicating. The more
you play, the more you're not getting what you want.
He's playing a game with you and not being honest
because you flat out are like, well what is it?
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He's like, everything's cool.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
So I genuinely think both of you are doing disservice
by you not giving him no pussy in him playing
this game.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
The only thing and I'm sure you've heard this.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
So many times, communicate, communicate, communicate, and really the help
that you need is how to communicate, and I think
effectively it has to be outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
And if you do get too shy in person.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I know some people say it's better to do things
in person, but I think phone calls can be good too.
Sometimes we need to be in our isolated space, like
I don't know, I really feel like you've just got
a call and pull the band aid off.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Both of you know what's happening.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Yeah, And then the last question is was I being
too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way
I did? I don't know if you guys are deep
into the catalog of horrible decisions. I did this with
a previous partner and it was out of spite. It
was in my immature way to show him that I
(16:32):
didn't come, that I wasn't finished, and that he didn't
please me.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
And to be honest, it resulted in nothing. Bitch, he came.
So I don't think that it was too ursh or overreacting.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
But it's like, do you know, like when girls go
on to like their platforms and be like, oh, he
fumbled me, he lost me.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Bitch. If he wanted to be there, he would. If
he wanted to show up, he would.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
And so you thinking that you did that, you're doing
something to hurt his ego. He might just think you'd
be imre immature about it. I've done it before, so
this isn't me, you know, sounding like ooh, bitch. I
would never but even after the fact, it literally didn't
change anything. And to be honest, I was only doing
(17:21):
it to make him aware that he didn't make me come,
and because he was right there, bitch, I still never came.
So I don't think you were too harsh or overreacting.
I do think, however, your reaction was immature. I agree,
that's what I would.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Say about that.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
I do hope that you guys choose to communicate. I
do hope that you choose to get over this hump.
And it does sound like he possibly hasn't forgiven you
because you only acknowledged your mistake in the relationship and
not his. So I would just wonder if you guys
may need therapy. You are both also young, but not
(18:01):
it's it's always worth trying, And to be fair, I
would never say tell for anyone to stay in a
relationship where they're crying, unfulfilled emotionally and physically. Intimacy is
something that I just recently experienced and I absolutely crave
it and need it. And so if you're not getting
that and this all of the advice that we gave
(18:22):
you doesn't work, I just want to let you know.
Bit you young, and it's a whole lot of other people
out there.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
It's only gonna hurt for a little bit. Baby, It's
just it is.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I mean, no, no, no, no, I was hurt for
about a year and a half. And this is the
person you lost your virginity too, and the only person
you've been with Andy.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I reckon it works.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
I'm just saying I want to be real, like man
Joe bounced back.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
But I know that Nick bitch is at twenty two,
really think it's the end of day life and oh
my god, they lose it out all today.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Soulmate, we be dumb, we be delusional.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
In our twenties, and so I understand that she probably
is too.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Bitch.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I was delusionally, bitch, I was delusional at thirties, so
I can only imagine where she's feeling. And this is
the nigga who took her virginity. She said they've been
together since teenagers. This isn't gonna be easy, but I
have for you.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Sorry, my god, I was gonna say, we definitely need
to do some updates. We should be doing a YGD
update episode. That would be great. So I would really
appreciate if you could reply to the thread. If anyone's
ever sent us a question, reply and let us know
what you did with that advice.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I would be great to hear.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Absolutely well, guys, we're gonna leave you here. Make sure
you go to NHB tour dot com and check us
out on tour, where we bring no holds barred from
the pages to the stages on It is going to
be a live show like you've never seen it before,
with all of still the laughs, the kinksters and all
the things. We're really excited to be doing it, and
(19:48):
we cannot become a New York Times bestseller without your help.
So if you're listening to this and haven't yet pre ordered,
make sure you go online, local bookstores, Amazon, whatever you
need to to do order it. I just want to
shout out to we got a chance to meet some
of are horre Hive members at the Black Effect Fest,
and it was so awesome to know someone who lives
(20:11):
in a town where there is no black owned bookstores
purchased from a black owned bookstore in Philly literally, just
to be sure, literal Uncle Bobby's is the black owned
bookstore in Philadelphia, and she let us know that she
purchased from there because she wanted to support her black
owned bookstore. So you already know we're pushing that. So
(20:33):
make sure that you guys support us and thank you again.
We will see y'all and check y'all out on Monday
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