July 15, 2024 • 31 mins
A missing will, a missing witness, and more slicked-up bodies than a Pride parade. James is at an impasse: can he find the (gay) killer before it’s too late?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Previously on does this murder make me look gay?
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm DJ Connelly.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
I was heading back to the city when my car
broke down.
Speaker 4 (00:08):
I wanted Vandy to mentor me, show me to ropes,
teach a bloke to fish and all that. Vandy refused.
Speaker 5 (00:15):
All right, Henry spill, I wish I'd killed him.
Speaker 6 (00:19):
I would have killed him, but I didn't.
Speaker 7 (00:22):
Kelly.
Speaker 8 (00:25):
Is that Kelly?
Speaker 9 (00:30):
Ugh?
Speaker 7 (00:30):
Poor Kelly, what a way to go.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
On the bright side, getting choked out was the most
erotic thing to ever happen to him. And I bet
that dying a eunuch virgin guarantees won a place in heaven,
in which case, send me straight to hell. But there
was something nobody knew. When Kelly's lifeless, lube covered body
was discovered across the hall, another murder was taking place
(00:56):
at the very same time. Remember teach our half frozen
klondike in the green bedroom. After girdling, she decided to
warm up with the soothing everything shower. What's in everything shower?
Speaker 7 (01:11):
You ask?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Is it where one eats and everything bagel in the shower? No, no,
fool and everything shower is what the kids do these
days to kill time. They spend hours beneath the shower head, washing, dreaming,
listening to post Malone, Oh, and masturbating there's a lot
of that, and circling back to my everything bagel reference.
(01:33):
They eat, so I suppose that yes, one could eat
in everything bagel while taking in everything shower. TJ, being
a simple stage hand queer, had never been around so
many expensive skin products like the one stocked in her bathroom.
But while she was lathering up and singing a legally
a loud amount of another Melissa Etheridge tune, she never
(01:54):
heard the lock on her door click open.
Speaker 10 (01:59):
Come to my window, wave Aline a Moon.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
There was a killer in her room who waited and
waited and waited for TJ to emerge, but the shower
never seemed to end. In fact, the killer was still waiting.
When screams pierced the night of the Monroe Estate, Kelly's
body had been found. Kelly the killer knew this moment
(02:29):
amidst the chaos, was the time to strike. While the
water dripped over her lesbian skin, TJ's soon to be
murderer tiptoed into the en suite, where they ripped open
the shower curtain with a devilish grin. It was a
scene right out of Psycho, only TJ was no Janet Lee,
Her bmi was far too high and her scream was
(02:50):
more holly weird than Hollywood. And was the killer as
undeniably fuckable as Anthony Perkins. I can't tell you that yet.
What I can say is he was not a stranger.
Speaker 11 (03:06):
I promise I won't tell anyone.
Speaker 12 (03:09):
We know each other.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
You don't have to.
Speaker 7 (03:15):
But it was too late.
Speaker 12 (03:19):
In a house on him lives a kay and his
friends want him dead.
Speaker 7 (03:26):
Ride why someone wants to.
Speaker 12 (03:28):
Kill him even though it's wrong?
Speaker 7 (03:32):
Since the world is matter wrong? Man is borne.
Speaker 12 (03:37):
It's very closely with yourris. See if you can guess
switch one of these queens?
Speaker 7 (03:48):
Maybe is the killer? Who is the killer? Who didn't?
Who wanted? Who crept in?
Speaker 11 (04:03):
Is? Who it was? It?
Speaker 4 (04:09):
Me?
Speaker 7 (04:09):
Who could it be? Who did it? They're dropping like flies?
Who didn't?
Speaker 13 (04:20):
These guys are like guys?
Speaker 7 (04:22):
Who did it?
Speaker 6 (04:24):
Who was it?
Speaker 11 (04:26):
What?
Speaker 9 (04:27):
Me?
Speaker 7 (04:28):
Wud it? Does this word? Make me?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Look?
Speaker 11 (04:44):
Now?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What's where you're going?
Speaker 7 (04:47):
I am you're the one?
Speaker 5 (04:48):
Oh Henry? His legs are dragging.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
Kelly's heavier than he looks. Plus being dead, that's a
bit of a. Did Kelly just fart from the beyond? Jesus,
he certainly doesn't smell better in dead.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
Oh God, Wilmer, you dropped Kelly's legs.
Speaker 11 (05:05):
His dead man fart scared me. Bless, He's slippery from
all that lube.
Speaker 7 (05:12):
How much?
Speaker 5 (05:12):
Five him, mate, just a Vandy's bedroom. We'll put him
with the others.
Speaker 9 (05:17):
This fucker is like a You must.
Speaker 14 (05:19):
Slip and slide.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
My bad, my bad.
Speaker 8 (05:22):
Oh, okay, here we are. Heave him onto the bed
one two three.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
A trio of dead bodies, Vandy, Tush and Kinky Kelly.
And we haven't even been here twenty four hours.
Speaker 5 (05:42):
This is dark.
Speaker 9 (05:43):
I agree. It's far worse than anything that ever happened
in Sondheim's dungeon, allegedly.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
I don't know about you, but I no longer feel safe.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
This is just occurring to you now, Wilmer.
Speaker 6 (05:55):
What happened to your gun?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
James took it.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
I put it away for safe keeping.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
Well, j James, maybe you should unput it away. I'll
hold on to it.
Speaker 9 (06:04):
Screw that, Henry, What if you're the killer? Why should
we give.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
You a gun? Because it would make me feel better?
Speaker 4 (06:11):
All hold on to the gun or played a cop
once in the Poor No NYPD the D stood for dick.
Speaker 11 (06:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (06:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
If anyone should have the gun, it should be me.
I'm the one who brought it.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
This is exactly why I hit it.
Speaker 14 (06:24):
I agree with James. I do not want a serial
killer running around my house with a firearm. This is
not Texas or Florida.
Speaker 5 (06:31):
Or Wilmer Good.
Speaker 14 (06:35):
Is that your stomach?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah, I'm pretty hungry.
Speaker 7 (06:39):
I could eat.
Speaker 5 (06:40):
How can you think about dinner at a time.
Speaker 9 (06:42):
Like this easily?
Speaker 6 (06:43):
I can. I'm personally not hungry, but I support the group.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
Mooney, would you like some Moon?
Speaker 5 (06:51):
Where are you?
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I thought Moon was holding Kelly's.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I'm here, I'm here. I was upset about tush and
took some of my sleeping pills.
Speaker 7 (07:01):
Who and I woke up.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
All of you were gone.
Speaker 9 (07:05):
Mooney, Kelly's dead?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
I see that? Is she covered in lube?
Speaker 8 (07:12):
Strawberry lube?
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Ugh, I prefer coconut. At least Kelly died surrounded by
something he loved.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
You slept through everything.
Speaker 5 (07:23):
I have to say, Moon, your absence is a little suspicious.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
I have a sleeping disorder, and this weekend hasn't exactly
been relaxing. The only saving grace is that I was
able to switch room side enough to face the street.
I can't stand the sound of cars.
Speaker 5 (07:42):
You switched rooms with?
Speaker 8 (07:44):
Who?
Speaker 5 (07:44):
Back off, James.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Moon wouldn't hurt a fly, No, I would. I hate flies.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
I had a pet fly once kept a bowl of
maple syrup on a counter for him to drink.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Called him Fred.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
One day I came home when he was gone. My
roommate left the window open.
Speaker 14 (08:06):
Poor Fred, there there?
Speaker 7 (08:09):
Why don't you rest your head.
Speaker 14 (08:10):
In my lab?
Speaker 4 (08:10):
Oo?
Speaker 5 (08:12):
Okay out, I'm sorry, that was my boner.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I'm happy to make dinner. I can whip up something
simple with whatever's downstairs.
Speaker 5 (08:22):
You cook, Do I cook?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
No, dear listener, Moon did not cook. Despite her best intentions,
Moon put together an awful dinner uncooked pasta, topped with
natella and shredded cheese. Henry had never been so happy
to be on a diet. The rest attempted to eat
the concoction, but mostly pushed it around awkwardly on their plates.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can understand why someone wanted Daddy dead, and I
can sort of understand why someone wanted to pushed it.
And Kelly was deeply annoying. But who had a motive.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
To murder all three of them.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Maybe it's like that I got a Christie movie and
then there were none. I watched it on brick box.
It's no Harry.
Speaker 14 (09:05):
Potter, But what is that, Agatha Christie? You know it
was a book long before it was a movie, Henry.
I remember the day it was published. Everybody was up
in arms about the plot twists.
Speaker 5 (09:18):
You remember when it was published. That was like in
the thirties.
Speaker 14 (09:23):
I mean, uh, I remember reading about it being published.
Speaker 6 (09:28):
There's something so compelling about the story. Strangers brought to
a mysterious house trapped in a storm, all of whom
are hiding secrets and sins, and they die one by one,
sort of like us.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
What oh that scared me.
Speaker 9 (09:47):
It's just the wind, Mooney.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Poor angel Elane's fairy out there in the freezing cold.
Speaker 14 (09:53):
I've been hoping that creature would die for years, but
she keeps on kicking.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Uh.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
James, you've been talking to everyone collecting clues. Surely you
must have a suspicion about the murderer's identity.
Speaker 8 (10:10):
You want to know the truth.
Speaker 5 (10:14):
I got nothing.
Speaker 8 (10:14):
Oh, some detective, you are reminder. I'm not actually a detective.
I am helping out as a friend.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
That's rich.
Speaker 14 (10:22):
You're a friend of mine. You're the caretaker of my estate.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
My estate, Reginald Wilmer.
Speaker 14 (10:28):
Please, the only thing you inherited from your father is
a narrow dick and a confusing wasteline.
Speaker 10 (10:33):
That makes no sense. He's not my biological father. He
adopted me like Daddy Warbucks, doesn't any I.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
Played Daddy Warbucks back in the day at a newdist camp.
I asked them to change the character's name to Daddy Warballs,
and they did. All the orphans were played by naked
old men.
Speaker 8 (10:53):
I'll never forget it.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
I have an idea who the murderer is.
Speaker 7 (10:58):
You do sure?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I think it was you, Reginald's pratto. Why it's always
the husband I saw gone girl spouses murder each other.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
That's not what happens.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
No, I didn't see all of it, only the naked
ben Afflexien.
Speaker 9 (11:17):
If we're going off movies, I think Vandy killed himself
like in Knives Out.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
Or he has a secret twin like in the Memory
Keeper's Daughter.
Speaker 14 (11:26):
Or it's like house at the end of the street
where a scorned neighbor is responsible. That would be you,
isn't it Henry a scorned neighbor, and isn't that it's
homophobic personally?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I love Unfaithful with Diane Lane, so I made a
porn version called on Eightful, where eight blokes fucked while
sharing an april and Unfaithful played in a background super meta.
It's always the secret lover of the partner, who does it?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
That means you're fingering yourself.
Speaker 8 (11:54):
Oh there, never mind, something's weighing on me, weighing on
me hard. That's her key is still missing. Someone stole it,
and I'm guessing that's how they got into Kelly's room.
Here's an idea. We'll search everyone and whoever has it?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 9 (12:10):
It's right there on the floor.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
A stun James looked at his feet. Sure enough, there
was the key, camouflaged by the carpet. James bent down
and picked it up, staring at the thin brass object
with a baffled expression.
Speaker 8 (12:25):
I don't whoever stole it must have placed it here
to avoid detection.
Speaker 14 (12:30):
Or you dropped the key, which means anyone could have
picked it up and gotten into Kelly's room.
Speaker 7 (12:35):
We're lucky, we're alive.
Speaker 5 (12:37):
No, I didn't drop.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
It, seems like you did.
Speaker 5 (12:41):
I'd never be that careless.
Speaker 9 (12:42):
Seems like you were.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
I'll say it, James should no longer be in charge
of the key.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
Seriously, who do you suggest holds onto it instead?
Speaker 6 (12:50):
I think we should throw it away. That way no
one has access.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Ah.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
I like that idea.
Speaker 7 (12:58):
But where.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Down the toilet it went? My HouseGuests stared as the
swirling water took the master key into the pipes and
into wherever those pipes lead.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Now what do we do?
Speaker 7 (13:12):
Easy?
Speaker 5 (13:13):
Find Vandy's will? Reginald? Where did he keep it? He
must have a safe, no idea, he was private, secretive.
Speaker 8 (13:22):
Well you're gonna help me. Look, everyone else, stay here,
and I mean it this time.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Do not leave. If you do, I'll have you arrested.
Citizen arrested.
Speaker 7 (13:35):
God, that's hot, guys.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
TJ is still upstairs.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Shouldn't someone bring her dinner?
Speaker 14 (13:41):
Lesbians don't need food like gay men do. They're fine
with a lunar bar in the morning and some almonds
for a snack.
Speaker 6 (13:47):
Why do you hate lesbians so much?
Speaker 14 (13:50):
Hates a strong word. I just don't see a reason
for their existence.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
But if there were no lesbians, who would foster all
the stray cats?
Speaker 3 (13:57):
Or chop wood in the Hudson Valley.
Speaker 6 (13:59):
Dray hat this conversation is extremely homeophobic.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
I'll do it. I'll bring TJ dinner now, I'll do it.
But I'm a very hospitable host. I know what lesbian's like.
I've been to Cherry Grove.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
I'm sick of everyone here and I want to make
a new friend. So hard to meet people as an adult.
Speaker 14 (14:19):
Really is it's lonely in the top. And I don't
mean on top, because I'm not a top, but.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Nonetheless it's lonely on the bottom. Reginald and James searched
high and low for my will, and what I mean
by that is James was feeling low and Reginald was
getting high. But despite searching nearly every room of the house,
and my house has a lot of rooms, they were
as empty handed as Jeremy o'harris on Tony Knight.
Speaker 14 (14:47):
We have looked everywhere and there's not a trace of
this will. Vandy. I'm done with this shit, Vandy. You
can suck eggs wherever you are.
Speaker 8 (14:55):
We can't give up. Whoever he left his money to
has the strongest motive for killing. Besides, we haven't searched everywhere.
There's still Kelly's bedroom.
Speaker 14 (15:03):
Which is covered in loop.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
Oh, and your art studio.
Speaker 14 (15:09):
There's nothing in my studio except paint and canvases. There's
certainly not any drugs or spells or anything at all supernatural.
Speaker 8 (15:17):
Gosh, okay, here's Kelly's bedroom. Keep your eyes open and
I guess let's take off our shoes. Not even Sam
Smith's parties are looped up like this. It's so spicky, sticky.
Speaker 14 (15:36):
And somehow it seems there's even more than there was before.
Speaker 7 (15:39):
Oh, it's everywhere.
Speaker 14 (15:41):
Nobody wants it, like chest and Buddha.
Speaker 5 (15:43):
Jeedge will will?
Speaker 8 (15:46):
Where would I hide a will or a safe under
the bed? No, what about the nightstand? Not there either.
Speaker 14 (15:58):
Bandy would never stash his will in such an obvious place.
I'll tell you what. It would be, tucked away with
an obscure clue necessary to find it. Oh, Vandy loved games,
and look where it got him. What was that?
Speaker 5 (16:15):
A scream from down the hall?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
TJ, Reginald, and James raced to TJ's room. Inside they
found Jacques hands pressed to his cheeks in horror, like
an image from the depths of Edward Gory's mind. A
tray of food was splattered on the floor.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
Jock, what's wrong?
Speaker 7 (16:33):
Do you need to fuck someone to calm down? I
volunteer his.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Tribute blood Nik Dad James looked in the shower to
find TJ's limp body covered in blood, stabbed and cut
to death.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
I can't believe this another murder, Reginald John. Let's move
it to Vandy's bedroom with the others.
Speaker 14 (17:02):
Quick question. I've never really seen a woman's nude body
live and in person. Where where would you grab it?
There's not a handle, right?
Speaker 4 (17:13):
Do we have to touch that woman breast? What about
the vagina's I'm a gold star guy. I can't get
it downgrade this lay in life.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
I don't know what to say to either of you.
Speaker 8 (17:26):
Jack, grab a towel from the bathroom.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
Good, all right, lay it down on the floor. Let's
put her on the towel and roll her up like
a taco.
Speaker 8 (17:34):
Now, lift and roll and roll and paula, hold on,
hold on, Shock.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
How did you get in here through the door? But
I locked it and then threw away the key, so
the door should have still been locked.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Nope, the door was unlocked when I arrived. I was
old in TJ's dinner knock with my elbow and then
I said, like DJ dinner, but there was no reply,
so I turned a knob and I found her like this.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
You know what this means?
Speaker 14 (18:16):
Someone else dislikes lesbians as much as I do.
Speaker 7 (18:18):
It.
Speaker 8 (18:19):
No, it means I was right earlier. I didn't drop
the master key. Someone stole it, used it to enter
TJ's room and killed her.
Speaker 7 (18:28):
Quick.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Let's tell the others.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Back in the living room, James was surprised to see
everyone sitting calmly. Wilma and Moon were playing chess, Henry
was not eating, and Polly was at the grand piano.
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Hello, Gaze, Why didn't any of you run upstairs when
Jacques screamed?
Speaker 9 (18:48):
You said to stay here or you'd have us arrested.
So that's what we did.
Speaker 5 (18:52):
Oh.
Speaker 8 (18:53):
This weekend has been worse for queer representation than Ryan
Murphy's Hollywood limited series on Netflix. Promising premise, but was
ruined by lackluster writing, a meaningless plot, and too many
straight actors playing gay.
Speaker 6 (19:06):
Don't get me started. Representation matters kids my whole life.
I thought I could never be an interior designer because
so many of them are women or straight men. Don't
people know gays were born to rearrange furniture and select
paint colors. How dare Britas steal our thunder? Every day
(19:26):
I have to fight to keep the art of interior
design queer as queer can be. And I'm tired, folks, efy,
I'm tied.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
I'm tired too.
Speaker 11 (19:36):
As a cute, rich nepo baby, I thought it was
my right not to work, but then Daddy was all.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Get a job and make your own way, and I
was all why the art.
Speaker 11 (19:45):
Of being gay is built off of the idea that
some men make money and others reap benefits and spend
their days at the gym and having white wine and
fancy salad for lunch.
Speaker 10 (19:56):
If I have to start working to support myself, I
as well as her fucking.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Bussy, it's hard for me too.
Speaker 15 (20:03):
Nobody wants to watch gay porn with men who are
actually gay. There's so much bloody self loaded and it
makes my brain plead, which is why I have to
pretend to be straight in order to fuck dudes on screen,
when really I actually love it. This is why I
want to work behind the scenes to let actual gays
(20:24):
open their mouths and butts for other guys to enjoy
in the privacy of their own homes.
Speaker 14 (20:31):
Please, Honey, I've always been an outcast. I suppose that's
why I became a gay witch.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
That's not something I personally relate to. But I've been
shunned by our community, shunned. I say, I'm a drag queen. Honey.
I used to be roommates with RuPaul back when she
only had one wig. But the world doesn't want men
in dresses anymore unless they're starring in lack cluster productions
(20:57):
of TUTSI missus doubtfire some like it blah on Broadway.
That's why I have to do my own thing. I
mean our own thing, Polly and me, Me and you forever, Mooney.
Straight men can put on lipstick and a dress and
win an oscar, but me, I'm singing for pennies outside
(21:20):
the Duplex every Tuesday. If our queer leaders won't stand
their ground and say, you know what, no, I'm not
going to cast Terry Styles and the policeman, And not
because he can't act, which he can't, but because he
doesn't suck dick, then who will?
Speaker 7 (21:40):
Who will?
Speaker 8 (21:41):
I think about this all the time, an entire generation
of gay men are gone, and what do we have instead?
Way too many homos who are only concerned about themselves.
Where's the mentorship, the generosity? The book imprints dedicated to
publishing queer works, the theater is dedicated to lifting a
queer voices. And don't even get me started about gay
(22:03):
writers or gay directors or gay writer directors who won't
hire gay actors or gay producers with multimillion overall deals
who do nothing besides renovate mansions and it's ten fashion
shows and have children via surrogate raised solely by nannies.
Shame on you, and shame on us for supporting them
(22:26):
instead of real queer artists like Fandy, who died in obscurity,
poisoned in some passage way.
Speaker 7 (22:32):
I will not rest until I find his killer.
Speaker 6 (22:36):
Do you hear me?
Speaker 7 (22:37):
I will not rest. He will not have died in vain.
Speaker 8 (22:43):
I don't know what came over me, but that felt good.
Speaker 5 (22:48):
I bet it did.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Look it's dark outside.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I can barely see anything with all that rain and snow.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Holley, I'm scared.
Speaker 9 (22:57):
I'll protect you Moon forever.
Speaker 8 (23:00):
Everyone go to your rooms, barricade your doors. Surely the
snow will stop by morning, or the power will come back.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
We just have to last another night.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
And so, dear listener, everyone went upstairs unlocked their doors
as best they could, hoping they would wake up in
the morning and be well alive. Everyone except for James,
that is, there was still an itch he just couldn't scratch.
So he went to my study, where the audio controls
(23:31):
were set up for all the hidden microphones.
Speaker 8 (23:34):
Let's see if I can find anything from earlier, anything
that might help figure out who killed Kelly and TJ.
This was TJ's room. I can't hear anything with the shower.
There's the living room.
Speaker 7 (23:49):
You can't move the night there, moon.
Speaker 10 (23:51):
Haven't you ever played chess before?
Speaker 16 (23:53):
Is that what this is called? I thought these are
pieces of candy. No, definitely not candy. There goes one
of my crowns.
Speaker 5 (24:05):
That's not it. What about.
Speaker 7 (24:09):
Somebody? Please?
Speaker 8 (24:12):
Well that's fucking weird. I don't know what that is. Huh.
Here Kelly's room. Hmm, the mic must have gotten covered
with lube. It's completely dead. I should check it out again. Maybe,
just maybe I missed something.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
James returned to Kelly's lube covered room for a second look.
Careful not to wake the others and alert them to
his plan.
Speaker 5 (24:40):
If TJ's room was unlocked, the murderer must have used
the key to get in. But why wasn't Kelly's door
unlocked too? We had to break it down.
Speaker 8 (24:49):
The only thing that makes sense is there's another way
into Kelly's room, Another secret passage. Here we are, let's see,
here's the microphone. Yep, completely kicked with lube. What's that?
Speaker 5 (25:09):
It looks like waves of strawberry lube pooled at my feet.
Speaker 8 (25:14):
Gross. Hold on, the lube is streaming along a floor
over to that wall. Only instead of pooling at the
base board, it's slipping through a crack underneath. Gay gasp,
another hidden passageway. Jessica Stain, I was right.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
Here goes nothing.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
James walked through the passageway. There was no light whatsoever,
and he felt completely trapped. Is this what it's like
for Olympic diver Tom Daily in his marriage? He wondered.
Then James hit the end. He pushed on the wall
and emerged.
Speaker 5 (25:56):
Into Reginald's bedroom.
Speaker 7 (25:59):
Before j could.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Move, Reginald entered from his bathroom in a gorgeous kimono.
I bought him on our trip to Japan.
Speaker 14 (26:06):
Wait, a customer, heck, never mind, why are you in
my bootoir?
Speaker 5 (26:14):
I got lost looking for the circuit breaker. Yeah, I
was gonna try and fix the power.
Speaker 14 (26:22):
I know why you're here. You came here to fuck. Oh, no,
to screw, to diddle, my dumpling, no turkey, my lurky pickle.
Speaker 7 (26:32):
My dickle.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
I don't know what that means.
Speaker 7 (26:35):
You've been watching me, wanting me.
Speaker 14 (26:37):
The sexual tension between us is off the charts, is it?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Let's make love first, though, I want to like my candles.
Speaker 5 (26:45):
Perhaps you'd be open to a little bit of prayer.
Speaker 14 (26:49):
Not religious, Oh neither am I I'm talking about some
devil worship.
Speaker 8 (26:56):
How did all those candles light at once? Are they electronic?
Speaker 12 (27:00):
Oh?
Speaker 14 (27:02):
Step into mine?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Pentagram?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
Is that a drum?
Speaker 14 (27:08):
A little one?
Speaker 13 (27:09):
Yes? Clinic clinic, clinic, clinic, Peter Thomas, Row, Peter Thomas Raw, pologicals.
Speaker 5 (27:21):
Whatever you're doing, stop it right now.
Speaker 7 (27:23):
Piologic, melanches laber demo. Can you hear me? Camo? Can
you hear me? Devil? Can you hear me? Who is that?
Speaker 3 (27:39):
God?
Speaker 7 (27:45):
Who the fuck is Johnny hor here? James? Wait? Wait,
I can teach you things, nasty things, stop. Let me
be the Ony Sullivant, dear Helen Yellow.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
But James didn't want to be his Helen Killer, so
he ran and ran and ran until he found himself
back in my study, where he closed the door and.
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Blocked it with a leather chair. How could I have
been so blocked?
Speaker 8 (28:15):
The gay killer has been staring into my gay eyes
this entire time.
Speaker 7 (28:19):
It's gay, Reginald.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Meanwhile, in the library, one of my guests decided to strike.
They broke into my hidden safe, found my will and
burned it to.
Speaker 7 (28:30):
A Chris.
Speaker 10 (28:41):
Next time on Does this murder make me look gay?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
We won sure it could be a doctor, Oh something believable.
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Midnight time for Daddy's medicine.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Shall I do the chorus once more?
Speaker 8 (29:00):
Dog Stall, I'm in the Monroe Estate and I just
caught a murderer.
Speaker 7 (29:08):
Yes, I'll hold.
Speaker 17 (29:11):
Does this murder make me look gay? Stars Michael Ury
as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de
Jesus as Wilmer Munroe, Sienne Jackson as Jacques Saint Cox,
Sean Patrick Doyle as Madame Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush
von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande
(29:33):
as Kelly Raymore and Flanagan, Seth Radetsky as Polly Barker,
Leah Delaria as TJ featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry
with Leah Salonga as herself and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy
Jeremiah Monroe the Third. Additional performances by Ryan Steele, Malory Portnoy,
Emily Lynn Nacho tem Buonting written and directed by Ted
(29:57):
Mallower Executive producer Ted Mallow. Executive producers for Ninth Planet
Audio Elizabeth Baquitt and Jimmy Miller. Hank Wittard served as
story editor. Original score composed by Peter Lherman. Original score
produced and mixed by Alex Bonoff. Theme song performed by
Ted Mallour, written by Ted Mallower and Peter Lherman. Piano
(30:19):
accompaniment for Madame Moon by Jacob Yates. Casting by Adam Caldwell,
Karen Cassel, and Rachel Hoffman at Telsey and Company. Audio
post production by One Thousand Birds principal recording, dialogue, editing,
sound design and mixing by Torren Geller, Andrew Tracy and
Haley Livingston Audio Post Executive producers Gwen Frailing and Kiara mcnight.
(30:42):
Production coordinators Hannah Dickinson, Gillian Langanelli, Isabella Danzi and Rose
kelso Key. Art by Ben Wiseman, Production accounting by Dill
pret Singh. Special thanks to Jordan Serf, Daniella Fetterman, Morgan Gould,
Eric Harper, Aaron Junkin, Chelsea Creps, Will O'Donnell, Don Saltzman,
(31:04):
Michael Stearns and Murder Make Me Look Gay is a
production of Ninth Planet Audio in association with iHeart Podcasts.
This podcast was recorded under a SAG after a collective
bargaining agreement.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Has gone on overlanding rentro I don't know, I know no.
Speaker 9 (31:24):
Ninth Planet Audio cap con We're overlanding, You're over landing.
Speaker 7 (31:28):
Over
Previously on does this murder make me look gay?
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm DJ Connelly.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
I was heading back to the city when my car
broke down.
Speaker 4 (00:08):
I wanted Vandy to mentor me, show me to ropes,
teach a bloke to fish and all that. Vandy refused.
Speaker 5 (00:15):
All right, Henry spill, I wish I'd killed him.
Speaker 6 (00:19):
I would have killed him, but I didn't.
Speaker 7 (00:22):
Kelly.
Speaker 8 (00:25):
Is that Kelly?
Speaker 9 (00:30):
Ugh?
Speaker 7 (00:30):
Poor Kelly, what a way to go.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
On the bright side, getting choked out was the most
erotic thing to ever happen to him. And I bet
that dying a eunuch virgin guarantees won a place in heaven,
in which case, send me straight to hell. But there
was something nobody knew. When Kelly's lifeless, lube covered body
was discovered across the hall, another murder was taking place
(00:56):
at the very same time. Remember teach our half frozen
klondike in the green bedroom. After girdling, she decided to
warm up with the soothing everything shower. What's in everything shower?
Speaker 7 (01:11):
You ask?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Is it where one eats and everything bagel in the shower? No, no,
fool and everything shower is what the kids do these
days to kill time. They spend hours beneath the shower head, washing, dreaming,
listening to post Malone, Oh, and masturbating there's a lot
of that, and circling back to my everything bagel reference.
(01:33):
They eat, so I suppose that yes, one could eat
in everything bagel while taking in everything shower. TJ, being
a simple stage hand queer, had never been around so
many expensive skin products like the one stocked in her bathroom.
But while she was lathering up and singing a legally
a loud amount of another Melissa Etheridge tune, she never
(01:54):
heard the lock on her door click open.
Speaker 10 (01:59):
Come to my window, wave Aline a Moon.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
There was a killer in her room who waited and
waited and waited for TJ to emerge, but the shower
never seemed to end. In fact, the killer was still waiting.
When screams pierced the night of the Monroe Estate, Kelly's
body had been found. Kelly the killer knew this moment
(02:29):
amidst the chaos, was the time to strike. While the
water dripped over her lesbian skin, TJ's soon to be
murderer tiptoed into the en suite, where they ripped open
the shower curtain with a devilish grin. It was a
scene right out of Psycho, only TJ was no Janet Lee,
Her bmi was far too high and her scream was
(02:50):
more holly weird than Hollywood. And was the killer as
undeniably fuckable as Anthony Perkins. I can't tell you that yet.
What I can say is he was not a stranger.
Speaker 11 (03:06):
I promise I won't tell anyone.
Speaker 12 (03:09):
We know each other.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
You don't have to.
Speaker 7 (03:15):
But it was too late.
Speaker 12 (03:19):
In a house on him lives a kay and his
friends want him dead.
Speaker 7 (03:26):
Ride why someone wants to.
Speaker 12 (03:28):
Kill him even though it's wrong?
Speaker 7 (03:32):
Since the world is matter wrong? Man is borne.
Speaker 12 (03:37):
It's very closely with yourris. See if you can guess
switch one of these queens?
Speaker 7 (03:48):
Maybe is the killer? Who is the killer? Who didn't?
Who wanted? Who crept in?
Speaker 11 (04:03):
Is? Who it was? It?
Speaker 4 (04:09):
Me?
Speaker 7 (04:09):
Who could it be? Who did it? They're dropping like flies?
Who didn't?
Speaker 13 (04:20):
These guys are like guys?
Speaker 7 (04:22):
Who did it?
Speaker 6 (04:24):
Who was it?
Speaker 11 (04:26):
What?
Speaker 9 (04:27):
Me?
Speaker 7 (04:28):
Wud it? Does this word? Make me?
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Look?
Speaker 11 (04:44):
Now?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What's where you're going?
Speaker 7 (04:47):
I am you're the one?
Speaker 5 (04:48):
Oh Henry? His legs are dragging.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
Kelly's heavier than he looks. Plus being dead, that's a
bit of a. Did Kelly just fart from the beyond? Jesus,
he certainly doesn't smell better in dead.
Speaker 5 (05:01):
Oh God, Wilmer, you dropped Kelly's legs.
Speaker 11 (05:05):
His dead man fart scared me. Bless, He's slippery from
all that lube.
Speaker 7 (05:12):
How much?
Speaker 5 (05:12):
Five him, mate, just a Vandy's bedroom. We'll put him
with the others.
Speaker 9 (05:17):
This fucker is like a You must.
Speaker 14 (05:19):
Slip and slide.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
My bad, my bad.
Speaker 8 (05:22):
Oh, okay, here we are. Heave him onto the bed
one two three.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
A trio of dead bodies, Vandy, Tush and Kinky Kelly.
And we haven't even been here twenty four hours.
Speaker 5 (05:42):
This is dark.
Speaker 9 (05:43):
I agree. It's far worse than anything that ever happened
in Sondheim's dungeon, allegedly.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
I don't know about you, but I no longer feel safe.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
This is just occurring to you now, Wilmer.
Speaker 6 (05:55):
What happened to your gun?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
James took it.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
I put it away for safe keeping.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
Well, j James, maybe you should unput it away. I'll
hold on to it.
Speaker 9 (06:04):
Screw that, Henry, What if you're the killer? Why should
we give.
Speaker 6 (06:08):
You a gun? Because it would make me feel better?
Speaker 4 (06:11):
All hold on to the gun or played a cop
once in the Poor No NYPD the D stood for dick.
Speaker 11 (06:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (06:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
If anyone should have the gun, it should be me.
I'm the one who brought it.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
This is exactly why I hit it.
Speaker 14 (06:24):
I agree with James. I do not want a serial
killer running around my house with a firearm. This is
not Texas or Florida.
Speaker 5 (06:31):
Or Wilmer Good.
Speaker 14 (06:35):
Is that your stomach?
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yeah, I'm pretty hungry.
Speaker 7 (06:39):
I could eat.
Speaker 5 (06:40):
How can you think about dinner at a time.
Speaker 9 (06:42):
Like this easily?
Speaker 6 (06:43):
I can. I'm personally not hungry, but I support the group.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
Mooney, would you like some Moon?
Speaker 5 (06:51):
Where are you?
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I thought Moon was holding Kelly's.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I'm here, I'm here. I was upset about tush and
took some of my sleeping pills.
Speaker 7 (07:01):
Who and I woke up.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
All of you were gone.
Speaker 9 (07:05):
Mooney, Kelly's dead?
Speaker 3 (07:08):
I see that? Is she covered in lube?
Speaker 8 (07:12):
Strawberry lube?
Speaker 3 (07:14):
Ugh, I prefer coconut. At least Kelly died surrounded by
something he loved.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
You slept through everything.
Speaker 5 (07:23):
I have to say, Moon, your absence is a little suspicious.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
I have a sleeping disorder, and this weekend hasn't exactly
been relaxing. The only saving grace is that I was
able to switch room side enough to face the street.
I can't stand the sound of cars.
Speaker 5 (07:42):
You switched rooms with?
Speaker 8 (07:44):
Who?
Speaker 5 (07:44):
Back off, James.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Moon wouldn't hurt a fly, No, I would. I hate flies.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
I had a pet fly once kept a bowl of
maple syrup on a counter for him to drink.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Called him Fred.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
One day I came home when he was gone. My
roommate left the window open.
Speaker 14 (08:06):
Poor Fred, there there?
Speaker 7 (08:09):
Why don't you rest your head.
Speaker 14 (08:10):
In my lab?
Speaker 4 (08:10):
Oo?
Speaker 5 (08:12):
Okay out, I'm sorry, that was my boner.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I'm happy to make dinner. I can whip up something
simple with whatever's downstairs.
Speaker 5 (08:22):
You cook, Do I cook?
Speaker 2 (08:26):
No, dear listener, Moon did not cook. Despite her best intentions,
Moon put together an awful dinner uncooked pasta, topped with
natella and shredded cheese. Henry had never been so happy
to be on a diet. The rest attempted to eat
the concoction, but mostly pushed it around awkwardly on their plates.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can understand why someone wanted Daddy dead, and I
can sort of understand why someone wanted to pushed it.
And Kelly was deeply annoying. But who had a motive.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
To murder all three of them.
Speaker 6 (08:58):
Maybe it's like that I got a Christie movie and
then there were none. I watched it on brick box.
It's no Harry.
Speaker 14 (09:05):
Potter, But what is that, Agatha Christie? You know it
was a book long before it was a movie, Henry.
I remember the day it was published. Everybody was up
in arms about the plot twists.
Speaker 5 (09:18):
You remember when it was published. That was like in
the thirties.
Speaker 14 (09:23):
I mean, uh, I remember reading about it being published.
Speaker 6 (09:28):
There's something so compelling about the story. Strangers brought to
a mysterious house trapped in a storm, all of whom
are hiding secrets and sins, and they die one by one,
sort of like us.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
What oh that scared me.
Speaker 9 (09:47):
It's just the wind, Mooney.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Poor angel Elane's fairy out there in the freezing cold.
Speaker 14 (09:53):
I've been hoping that creature would die for years, but
she keeps on kicking.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Uh.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
James, you've been talking to everyone collecting clues. Surely you
must have a suspicion about the murderer's identity.
Speaker 8 (10:10):
You want to know the truth.
Speaker 5 (10:14):
I got nothing.
Speaker 8 (10:14):
Oh, some detective, you are reminder. I'm not actually a detective.
I am helping out as a friend.
Speaker 5 (10:21):
That's rich.
Speaker 14 (10:22):
You're a friend of mine. You're the caretaker of my estate.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
My estate, Reginald Wilmer.
Speaker 14 (10:28):
Please, the only thing you inherited from your father is
a narrow dick and a confusing wasteline.
Speaker 10 (10:33):
That makes no sense. He's not my biological father. He
adopted me like Daddy Warbucks, doesn't any I.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
Played Daddy Warbucks back in the day at a newdist camp.
I asked them to change the character's name to Daddy Warballs,
and they did. All the orphans were played by naked
old men.
Speaker 8 (10:53):
I'll never forget it.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
I have an idea who the murderer is.
Speaker 7 (10:58):
You do sure?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I think it was you, Reginald's pratto. Why it's always
the husband I saw gone girl spouses murder each other.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
That's not what happens.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
No, I didn't see all of it, only the naked
ben Afflexien.
Speaker 9 (11:17):
If we're going off movies, I think Vandy killed himself
like in Knives Out.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
Or he has a secret twin like in the Memory
Keeper's Daughter.
Speaker 14 (11:26):
Or it's like house at the end of the street
where a scorned neighbor is responsible. That would be you,
isn't it Henry a scorned neighbor, and isn't that it's
homophobic personally?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
I love Unfaithful with Diane Lane, so I made a
porn version called on Eightful, where eight blokes fucked while
sharing an april and Unfaithful played in a background super meta.
It's always the secret lover of the partner, who does it?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
That means you're fingering yourself.
Speaker 8 (11:54):
Oh there, never mind, something's weighing on me, weighing on
me hard. That's her key is still missing. Someone stole it,
and I'm guessing that's how they got into Kelly's room.
Here's an idea. We'll search everyone and whoever has it?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 9 (12:10):
It's right there on the floor.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
A stun James looked at his feet. Sure enough, there
was the key, camouflaged by the carpet. James bent down
and picked it up, staring at the thin brass object
with a baffled expression.
Speaker 8 (12:25):
I don't whoever stole it must have placed it here
to avoid detection.
Speaker 14 (12:30):
Or you dropped the key, which means anyone could have
picked it up and gotten into Kelly's room.
Speaker 7 (12:35):
We're lucky, we're alive.
Speaker 5 (12:37):
No, I didn't drop.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
It, seems like you did.
Speaker 5 (12:41):
I'd never be that careless.
Speaker 9 (12:42):
Seems like you were.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
I'll say it, James should no longer be in charge
of the key.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
Seriously, who do you suggest holds onto it instead?
Speaker 6 (12:50):
I think we should throw it away. That way no
one has access.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Ah.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
I like that idea.
Speaker 7 (12:58):
But where.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Down the toilet it went? My HouseGuests stared as the
swirling water took the master key into the pipes and
into wherever those pipes lead.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Now what do we do?
Speaker 7 (13:12):
Easy?
Speaker 5 (13:13):
Find Vandy's will? Reginald? Where did he keep it? He
must have a safe, no idea, he was private, secretive.
Speaker 8 (13:22):
Well you're gonna help me. Look, everyone else, stay here,
and I mean it this time.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Do not leave. If you do, I'll have you arrested.
Citizen arrested.
Speaker 7 (13:35):
God, that's hot, guys.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
TJ is still upstairs.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Shouldn't someone bring her dinner?
Speaker 14 (13:41):
Lesbians don't need food like gay men do. They're fine
with a lunar bar in the morning and some almonds
for a snack.
Speaker 6 (13:47):
Why do you hate lesbians so much?
Speaker 14 (13:50):
Hates a strong word. I just don't see a reason
for their existence.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
But if there were no lesbians, who would foster all
the stray cats?
Speaker 3 (13:57):
Or chop wood in the Hudson Valley.
Speaker 6 (13:59):
Dray hat this conversation is extremely homeophobic.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
I'll do it. I'll bring TJ dinner now, I'll do it.
But I'm a very hospitable host. I know what lesbian's like.
I've been to Cherry Grove.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
I'm sick of everyone here and I want to make
a new friend. So hard to meet people as an adult.
Speaker 14 (14:19):
Really is it's lonely in the top. And I don't
mean on top, because I'm not a top, but.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Nonetheless it's lonely on the bottom. Reginald and James searched
high and low for my will, and what I mean
by that is James was feeling low and Reginald was
getting high. But despite searching nearly every room of the house,
and my house has a lot of rooms, they were
as empty handed as Jeremy o'harris on Tony Knight.
Speaker 14 (14:47):
We have looked everywhere and there's not a trace of
this will. Vandy. I'm done with this shit, Vandy. You
can suck eggs wherever you are.
Speaker 8 (14:55):
We can't give up. Whoever he left his money to
has the strongest motive for killing. Besides, we haven't searched everywhere.
There's still Kelly's bedroom.
Speaker 14 (15:03):
Which is covered in loop.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
Oh, and your art studio.
Speaker 14 (15:09):
There's nothing in my studio except paint and canvases. There's
certainly not any drugs or spells or anything at all supernatural.
Speaker 8 (15:17):
Gosh, okay, here's Kelly's bedroom. Keep your eyes open and
I guess let's take off our shoes. Not even Sam
Smith's parties are looped up like this. It's so spicky, sticky.
Speaker 14 (15:36):
And somehow it seems there's even more than there was before.
Speaker 7 (15:39):
Oh, it's everywhere.
Speaker 14 (15:41):
Nobody wants it, like chest and Buddha.
Speaker 5 (15:43):
Jeedge will will?
Speaker 8 (15:46):
Where would I hide a will or a safe under
the bed? No, what about the nightstand? Not there either.
Speaker 14 (15:58):
Bandy would never stash his will in such an obvious place.
I'll tell you what. It would be, tucked away with
an obscure clue necessary to find it. Oh, Vandy loved games,
and look where it got him. What was that?
Speaker 5 (16:15):
A scream from down the hall?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
TJ, Reginald, and James raced to TJ's room. Inside they
found Jacques hands pressed to his cheeks in horror, like
an image from the depths of Edward Gory's mind. A
tray of food was splattered on the floor.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
Jock, what's wrong?
Speaker 7 (16:33):
Do you need to fuck someone to calm down? I
volunteer his.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Tribute blood Nik Dad James looked in the shower to
find TJ's limp body covered in blood, stabbed and cut
to death.
Speaker 8 (16:48):
I can't believe this another murder, Reginald John. Let's move
it to Vandy's bedroom with the others.
Speaker 14 (17:02):
Quick question. I've never really seen a woman's nude body
live and in person. Where where would you grab it?
There's not a handle, right?
Speaker 4 (17:13):
Do we have to touch that woman breast? What about
the vagina's I'm a gold star guy. I can't get
it downgrade this lay in life.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
I don't know what to say to either of you.
Speaker 8 (17:26):
Jack, grab a towel from the bathroom.
Speaker 5 (17:29):
Good, all right, lay it down on the floor. Let's
put her on the towel and roll her up like
a taco.
Speaker 8 (17:34):
Now, lift and roll and roll and paula, hold on,
hold on, Shock.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
How did you get in here through the door? But
I locked it and then threw away the key, so
the door should have still been locked.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Nope, the door was unlocked when I arrived. I was
old in TJ's dinner knock with my elbow and then
I said, like DJ dinner, but there was no reply,
so I turned a knob and I found her like this.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
You know what this means?
Speaker 14 (18:16):
Someone else dislikes lesbians as much as I do.
Speaker 7 (18:18):
It.
Speaker 8 (18:19):
No, it means I was right earlier. I didn't drop
the master key. Someone stole it, used it to enter
TJ's room and killed her.
Speaker 7 (18:28):
Quick.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Let's tell the others.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Back in the living room, James was surprised to see
everyone sitting calmly. Wilma and Moon were playing chess, Henry
was not eating, and Polly was at the grand piano.
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Hello, Gaze, Why didn't any of you run upstairs when
Jacques screamed?
Speaker 9 (18:48):
You said to stay here or you'd have us arrested.
So that's what we did.
Speaker 5 (18:52):
Oh.
Speaker 8 (18:53):
This weekend has been worse for queer representation than Ryan
Murphy's Hollywood limited series on Netflix. Promising premise, but was
ruined by lackluster writing, a meaningless plot, and too many
straight actors playing gay.
Speaker 6 (19:06):
Don't get me started. Representation matters kids my whole life.
I thought I could never be an interior designer because
so many of them are women or straight men. Don't
people know gays were born to rearrange furniture and select
paint colors. How dare Britas steal our thunder? Every day
(19:26):
I have to fight to keep the art of interior
design queer as queer can be. And I'm tired, folks, efy,
I'm tied.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
I'm tired too.
Speaker 11 (19:36):
As a cute, rich nepo baby, I thought it was
my right not to work, but then Daddy was all.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Get a job and make your own way, and I
was all why the art.
Speaker 11 (19:45):
Of being gay is built off of the idea that
some men make money and others reap benefits and spend
their days at the gym and having white wine and
fancy salad for lunch.
Speaker 10 (19:56):
If I have to start working to support myself, I
as well as her fucking.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Bussy, it's hard for me too.
Speaker 15 (20:03):
Nobody wants to watch gay porn with men who are
actually gay. There's so much bloody self loaded and it
makes my brain plead, which is why I have to
pretend to be straight in order to fuck dudes on screen,
when really I actually love it. This is why I
want to work behind the scenes to let actual gays
(20:24):
open their mouths and butts for other guys to enjoy
in the privacy of their own homes.
Speaker 14 (20:31):
Please, Honey, I've always been an outcast. I suppose that's
why I became a gay witch.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
That's not something I personally relate to. But I've been
shunned by our community, shunned. I say, I'm a drag queen. Honey.
I used to be roommates with RuPaul back when she
only had one wig. But the world doesn't want men
in dresses anymore unless they're starring in lack cluster productions
(20:57):
of TUTSI missus doubtfire some like it blah on Broadway.
That's why I have to do my own thing. I
mean our own thing, Polly and me, Me and you forever, Mooney.
Straight men can put on lipstick and a dress and
win an oscar, but me, I'm singing for pennies outside
(21:20):
the Duplex every Tuesday. If our queer leaders won't stand
their ground and say, you know what, no, I'm not
going to cast Terry Styles and the policeman, And not
because he can't act, which he can't, but because he
doesn't suck dick, then who will?
Speaker 7 (21:40):
Who will?
Speaker 8 (21:41):
I think about this all the time, an entire generation
of gay men are gone, and what do we have instead?
Way too many homos who are only concerned about themselves.
Where's the mentorship, the generosity? The book imprints dedicated to
publishing queer works, the theater is dedicated to lifting a
queer voices. And don't even get me started about gay
(22:03):
writers or gay directors or gay writer directors who won't
hire gay actors or gay producers with multimillion overall deals
who do nothing besides renovate mansions and it's ten fashion
shows and have children via surrogate raised solely by nannies.
Shame on you, and shame on us for supporting them
(22:26):
instead of real queer artists like Fandy, who died in obscurity,
poisoned in some passage way.
Speaker 7 (22:32):
I will not rest until I find his killer.
Speaker 6 (22:36):
Do you hear me?
Speaker 7 (22:37):
I will not rest. He will not have died in vain.
Speaker 8 (22:43):
I don't know what came over me, but that felt good.
Speaker 5 (22:48):
I bet it did.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Look it's dark outside.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I can barely see anything with all that rain and snow.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Holley, I'm scared.
Speaker 9 (22:57):
I'll protect you Moon forever.
Speaker 8 (23:00):
Everyone go to your rooms, barricade your doors. Surely the
snow will stop by morning, or the power will come back.
Speaker 5 (23:08):
We just have to last another night.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
And so, dear listener, everyone went upstairs unlocked their doors
as best they could, hoping they would wake up in
the morning and be well alive. Everyone except for James,
that is, there was still an itch he just couldn't scratch.
So he went to my study, where the audio controls
(23:31):
were set up for all the hidden microphones.
Speaker 8 (23:34):
Let's see if I can find anything from earlier, anything
that might help figure out who killed Kelly and TJ.
This was TJ's room. I can't hear anything with the shower.
There's the living room.
Speaker 7 (23:49):
You can't move the night there, moon.
Speaker 10 (23:51):
Haven't you ever played chess before?
Speaker 16 (23:53):
Is that what this is called? I thought these are
pieces of candy. No, definitely not candy. There goes one
of my crowns.
Speaker 5 (24:05):
That's not it. What about.
Speaker 7 (24:09):
Somebody? Please?
Speaker 8 (24:12):
Well that's fucking weird. I don't know what that is. Huh.
Here Kelly's room. Hmm, the mic must have gotten covered
with lube. It's completely dead. I should check it out again. Maybe,
just maybe I missed something.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
James returned to Kelly's lube covered room for a second look.
Careful not to wake the others and alert them to
his plan.
Speaker 5 (24:40):
If TJ's room was unlocked, the murderer must have used
the key to get in. But why wasn't Kelly's door
unlocked too? We had to break it down.
Speaker 8 (24:49):
The only thing that makes sense is there's another way
into Kelly's room, Another secret passage. Here we are, let's see,
here's the microphone. Yep, completely kicked with lube. What's that?
Speaker 5 (25:09):
It looks like waves of strawberry lube pooled at my feet.
Speaker 8 (25:14):
Gross. Hold on, the lube is streaming along a floor
over to that wall. Only instead of pooling at the
base board, it's slipping through a crack underneath. Gay gasp,
another hidden passageway. Jessica Stain, I was right.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
Here goes nothing.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
James walked through the passageway. There was no light whatsoever,
and he felt completely trapped. Is this what it's like
for Olympic diver Tom Daily in his marriage? He wondered.
Then James hit the end. He pushed on the wall
and emerged.
Speaker 5 (25:56):
Into Reginald's bedroom.
Speaker 7 (25:59):
Before j could.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Move, Reginald entered from his bathroom in a gorgeous kimono.
I bought him on our trip to Japan.
Speaker 14 (26:06):
Wait, a customer, heck, never mind, why are you in
my bootoir?
Speaker 5 (26:14):
I got lost looking for the circuit breaker. Yeah, I
was gonna try and fix the power.
Speaker 14 (26:22):
I know why you're here. You came here to fuck. Oh, no,
to screw, to diddle, my dumpling, no turkey, my lurky pickle.
Speaker 7 (26:32):
My dickle.
Speaker 5 (26:33):
I don't know what that means.
Speaker 7 (26:35):
You've been watching me, wanting me.
Speaker 14 (26:37):
The sexual tension between us is off the charts, is it?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Let's make love first, though, I want to like my candles.
Speaker 5 (26:45):
Perhaps you'd be open to a little bit of prayer.
Speaker 14 (26:49):
Not religious, Oh neither am I I'm talking about some
devil worship.
Speaker 8 (26:56):
How did all those candles light at once? Are they electronic?
Speaker 12 (27:00):
Oh?
Speaker 14 (27:02):
Step into mine?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Pentagram?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
Is that a drum?
Speaker 14 (27:08):
A little one?
Speaker 13 (27:09):
Yes? Clinic clinic, clinic, clinic, Peter Thomas, Row, Peter Thomas Raw, pologicals.
Speaker 5 (27:21):
Whatever you're doing, stop it right now.
Speaker 7 (27:23):
Piologic, melanches laber demo. Can you hear me? Camo? Can
you hear me? Devil? Can you hear me? Who is that?
Speaker 3 (27:39):
God?
Speaker 7 (27:45):
Who the fuck is Johnny hor here? James? Wait? Wait,
I can teach you things, nasty things, stop. Let me
be the Ony Sullivant, dear Helen Yellow.
Speaker 2 (27:58):
But James didn't want to be his Helen Killer, so
he ran and ran and ran until he found himself
back in my study, where he closed the door and.
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Blocked it with a leather chair. How could I have
been so blocked?
Speaker 8 (28:15):
The gay killer has been staring into my gay eyes
this entire time.
Speaker 7 (28:19):
It's gay, Reginald.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Meanwhile, in the library, one of my guests decided to strike.
They broke into my hidden safe, found my will and
burned it to.
Speaker 7 (28:30):
A Chris.
Speaker 10 (28:41):
Next time on Does this murder make me look gay?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
We won sure it could be a doctor, Oh something believable.
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Midnight time for Daddy's medicine.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Shall I do the chorus once more?
Speaker 8 (29:00):
Dog Stall, I'm in the Monroe Estate and I just
caught a murderer.
Speaker 7 (29:08):
Yes, I'll hold.
Speaker 17 (29:11):
Does this murder make me look gay? Stars Michael Ury
as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de
Jesus as Wilmer Munroe, Sienne Jackson as Jacques Saint Cox,
Sean Patrick Doyle as Madame Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush
von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande
(29:33):
as Kelly Raymore and Flanagan, Seth Radetsky as Polly Barker,
Leah Delaria as TJ featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry
with Leah Salonga as herself and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy
Jeremiah Monroe the Third. Additional performances by Ryan Steele, Malory Portnoy,
Emily Lynn Nacho tem Buonting written and directed by Ted
(29:57):
Mallower Executive producer Ted Mallow. Executive producers for Ninth Planet
Audio Elizabeth Baquitt and Jimmy Miller. Hank Wittard served as
story editor. Original score composed by Peter Lherman. Original score
produced and mixed by Alex Bonoff. Theme song performed by
Ted Mallour, written by Ted Mallower and Peter Lherman. Piano
(30:19):
accompaniment for Madame Moon by Jacob Yates. Casting by Adam Caldwell,
Karen Cassel, and Rachel Hoffman at Telsey and Company. Audio
post production by One Thousand Birds principal recording, dialogue, editing,
sound design and mixing by Torren Geller, Andrew Tracy and
Haley Livingston Audio Post Executive producers Gwen Frailing and Kiara mcnight.
(30:42):
Production coordinators Hannah Dickinson, Gillian Langanelli, Isabella Danzi and Rose
kelso Key. Art by Ben Wiseman, Production accounting by Dill
pret Singh. Special thanks to Jordan Serf, Daniella Fetterman, Morgan Gould,
Eric Harper, Aaron Junkin, Chelsea Creps, Will O'Donnell, Don Saltzman,
(31:04):
Michael Stearns and Murder Make Me Look Gay is a
production of Ninth Planet Audio in association with iHeart Podcasts.
This podcast was recorded under a SAG after a collective
bargaining agreement.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Has gone on overlanding rentro I don't know, I know no.
Speaker 9 (31:24):
Ninth Planet Audio cap con We're overlanding, You're over landing.
Speaker 7 (31:28):
Over
Host
Ted Malawer
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