December 22, 2021 • 44 mins
We’ve been collecting questions from you, sweet listener, and in this very special holiday edition of Dominant Stories, Jess and Iskra Lawrence tackle some of your questions: From managing grief during this time of year to managing body image and appearance related comments from your family, this episode is your guide to survive the holidays with your sanity intact.
Iskra started her career in modeling, but after being told she was either “too big” or “not big enough,” she decided to focus on promoting a more healthy atmosphere for women in the media.
Now she is adding entrepreneur to her list of impressive titles including being on the Forbes 30 under 30 list. She has just launched the Self Funding Planner at selffundingplanner.com, which is a combination of journal, planner, and self-care exercises designed to help you connect more to yourself and your vision.
You can follow her and learn more at @iskra on social media.
Please rate, review, subscribe and share Dominant Stories with everyone you know.
If you want to learn more about Dominant Stories and how you can challenge and change them, visit jessweiner.com or follow Jess on Instagram @imjessweiner.
You can also email us about your Dominant Stories and how you are changing them - podcast@jessweiner.com or leave us a voicemail at 213 259 3033
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm Shonda Rhymes and we're bringing you Dominant Stories, created
by Shawn land Audio in partnership with the Dove Self
Esteem Project. I guess my, in my ideal world, right,
we all have these conversations and we have all these
teachable moments, and we get to change the whole society
because no one's going to be fun flow beginning more.
(00:20):
It's going to be wonderful. But we're exhausted too. But
we just want to let you know that this is
your day, this is your body, and this is your
choice however you decide to handle this. Hey, I'm Jess
Weener and this is Dominant Stories, the podcast that helps
us reclaim and rewrite the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves,
(00:44):
about our bodies, our beauty, our creativity, and our identities.
You know, we talk a lot with the guests on
this show about their childhood, because I think for so
many of us, that's where these dominant stories, the stories
that we tell ourselves about ourselves. Often they come from
(01:06):
the experiences we've had growing up. Either we've inherited some
negative voices from our parents, who likely often inherited them
from their parents, or maybe as a kid we've had
some formidable experience in school or in sports, or friendships
or relationships. So cut to the moment that I'm recording
this episode right now, which is smack dab in the
(01:27):
middle of the holiday season, and many of us are
getting ready to see family, friends, or loved ones that
we haven't seen in a while. And even in non
pandemic years, the holidays for some people can be very triggering,
very frustrating, and downright chaotic. That's why I was inspired
to do this special edition episode of the podcast around
(01:48):
the holidays and the dominant stories that can tend to
come up for us during this time of year. So
whether you are dreading a family convo about your way
or your appearance, or they're gonna ask you about your
relationship status or your career trajectory, this show is for you.
We're also going to be talking about how to celebrate
and challenge and change these stories so that we can
(02:10):
make the most of the time that we have with
the people that we love. I asked you to submit
your questions for today, and I'm going to answer them
along with the help of a very special guest. Joining
me today is entrepreneur and model and new parent Scar
Lawrence kra is a champion for mental wellness and self
esteem and self care. She's made waves and her very
(02:32):
successful career as a model and body image advocate, and
she shares her life to millions of fans on social
media about a range of her new experiences as a parent,
as a business owner, having just launched a new product
called the Self Funding Planner, which we're going to talk about.
But one of the reasons that I wanted Escra to
join me and answering your questions is because she and
(02:52):
I have had some really fascinating conversations around the way
that we can reframe our identities in life, whether that's
about our work, or our relationships, or our body image.
So we're gonna take some turns answering your burning questions
today about holiday related dominant stories. As always, if you
(03:13):
enjoy the podcast, let me know what you think by
subscribing or writing a review wherever you're listening. Are you
ready let's dig in? Yeah? Okay, my love, I'm so
happy to have you on this show. Absolutely, We've been
asking from our audience for a while now to send
(03:35):
us some of you know, their stories and dominant stories
that are coming up during the holidays and things that
they're working through and struggling with. But that's what I
wanted to dig in with you. So we're gonna get
to those questions in a moment. But I'm curious for
you when you think about the holidays, like just top
of mind, what are the words that immediately come up
for you when I say the holidays? Family, food, not naps?
(04:01):
Do you really get to nap? I mean this year,
that's my absolute goal. I'm finishing out this week strong,
filled with work, then I'm going to switch my phone off.
I'm going to take every opportunity to nap and just
really replenish, recover, restore all the odds the good arena.
(04:22):
I love that for me this year, it's exactly what
you just said. It's replenished, it's unplug and I'm really
looking forward to having a moment to reflect. I usually
love this time of year just to take some internal
inventory of things that really worked for me, things that
I want to shift or grow more into or away from.
(04:42):
So I love this time as a real like moment
of reflection. That's beautiful. Yeah, you know, and listen, I
think for everybody it comes up really differently and so
that's partly why we wanted to dig into some of
these things today. But I wanted to talk a little
bit Escra about your career as a model and activist,
a spokesperson for a while, has been a lot about
bringing up the topic of body image and self esteem
(05:04):
in a public manner. Anybody that follows your work online
and your work over the years knows you're very forthright,
You're very authentic, You're very real, which is a lot
of what I think excites and inspires people. And I
think during the holidays, I want to dive right into
the issue of of you know, body image during the holidays,
it's incredibly triggering for people. It's a time around food
(05:25):
and family, but food and family can be very triggering
for folks. Right, Yes, I just read a recent staff
that is not surprising to me. Percent of women in
the US have gained weight during the pandemic. And so
I think if normally folks go home and get an
unsolicited comment about their weight anyway, pre pandemic, a lot
of us might be seeing our families with some shifted
(05:47):
physical appearances that could elicit some of these convocts. So
there's a whole swarm of dominant stories waiting for folks
and for you. Do you have any dominant stories that
have come up for you about your body during the hose?
Was the holidays ever kind of a triggering time for
you around body image? Growing up? I certainly remember having
(06:08):
puppy fat. That's what my family called it. What does
that mean? Apparently it's when you're a chubby kid and
the puppy fat will just melt off as you turn
into a teenager, because that's what's naturally meant to happen.
So it's kind of like, oh, it's just puppy fat,
but obviously you have to get rid of it, because
(06:28):
you know, society is fatphobic. So I definitely know that
I always had a good appetite and people always kind
of spoke to me in that sense, and it felt
light and playful. But understanding that if anyone is basing
any type of value or work on appearance, it's not
(06:50):
a positive thing, especially for young people as they're developing.
When anything is referred to about your size and your
weight immediately is going to make you hyper aware of that.
And we are so much more as beings than just
the physical. So that's why I think this is so
(07:10):
relevant during the holidays because unfortunately, we live in a
society where our value and worth is appearance based. That's
where we are really judged immediately by, like you said,
any shift in appearance. And for some reason we feel
super super super comfortable to tell people and and be
(07:31):
very verbal about it. And I think that is due
to the media. When we think about the headlines that
we are constantly fed, they are nearly, especially for women,
always appearance based. However, I know there's Tom Holland at
the moment having to defend his height, so even there
there's a perfect example that some physical appearance is again
(07:52):
being judged, being picked apart, being made the center focal
point of probably a loving, beautiful, happy relationship. But we
have to take it back to the bare basics of
physical appearance. So I think unfortunately it's weirdly people's comfort
zone for for small talk, and so if you haven't
(08:12):
seen family members for a long time, they immediately go
to that because that's their comfort thing. It's what's discussed
in society all the time. So it's like, hey, wow,
you lost weight, how do you do that? You look
great toes or vice versa. Someone's going to go, oh
nazis put on a few hounds. And we live in
such a visual culture right now. There's a lot of
emphasis on transformation and before and afters. And you know,
(08:37):
your conversation around puppy fat, I was imagining a somewhat
similar thing to a kid baby fat, right or they're
like they've got baby fat, very similar. Yeah, it makes
me think about how we should be and need to
be more mindful of how we talked to kids during
this time of year. Right. So, if you've got a
kid who's putting on a lot of food on their
plate because they're really excited and they're hungry, how do
(08:57):
we normalize that and not stigmatize that and make it
anything other than just enjoying that moment? And I know
that that gets complicated for people. They have lots of
beliefs around food and nutrition and all that kind of stuff.
But words matter, don't they Absolutely. I'm already very conscious
and I have a one and a half year old,
and it does get tricky, and I'm you know, this
(09:18):
is a gray area for me as someone who struggled
with an eating disorder, figuring out what maybe triggered me
when I was younger. What do I vividly remember were
points when I decided if food was good or bad?
Or when I remember learning that I should feel guilty
for eating a brownie or it's a treat to have
(09:40):
a McDonald's, Like, how did I learn that? And how
do I make sure that? How I'm communicating with my
child because I need to make him aware, but at
the same time, I just need to give him absolutely
everything to understand that food is not emotional, to detach
the good and the bad and those emotions and those
guilt and no feeling around food. Because I do know
(10:02):
my great aunt, you know, I've seen her say to
one of my younger cousins, you can't eat that biscuit,
You'll get fat. It's trying to come from a good
place because, like we said, society basis success and worth
attraction on appearance, and right now, our beauty ideal and
(10:24):
generally it has been a slimmer. We're a fat phobic society,
So that is meant to come from a good place.
I I'm protecting you from these sugary, high calorie foods
that will make you gain weight, because no one wants
to gain weight. It's the worst thing you can do right,
almost going to be impossible for me to not have
a scenario where my child is going to hear that
(10:46):
somehow correct. So I think it's really understanding food as
a valuable fuel and talking about the colors, the nourishment,
the vitamins, like all the parts that make it one
of full. And then also we get to eat a
brownie when we want to because it's something that we enjoy,
but we also enjoy fueling our food with broccoli and
(11:09):
fresh foods because those are super nutritious and that feels
amazing for our body. So really just trying to get
that intuitive eating When do you feel full? Can you
understand that this is nourishing? You have to eat? We
all have to eat. Yeah, you know it's funny because
it's not only just this holiday season of family gatherings
(11:29):
and whatnot, but like soon after we barrel straight into
New Year's and resolutions and the focus on turning a
new page and starting a new which I love as
a metaphor but I hate as a concept of pressure.
And I was curious what your take is on New
Year's resolutions? Do you make them? Do you believe in them?
(11:49):
The only thing I do at the top of the
year is like you said, I'd like to reflect. So
it's interesting you reflect in December. I almost don't want
to do it yet because I want to be hopefully
super unproductive. I get really excited to completely switch off,
like the last ten days of December, like really switch off.
(12:12):
In the beginning of the new year. I get excited
to think, Okay, let's look back, so that's my reflection,
and now let's plan. Let's do some goal setting. And
this isn't about I need to completely change who I
am or what I did or what I look like
or anything like that. It's just more like, I'm excited
for this year. There is so much opportunity. Abundance is everywhere.
(12:35):
Let's make the most of it. Plan it out so
it feels like there's less pressure, and those big goals
break them down so they feel more digestible. So one
I'm not sure yet where it's going to be. Was
such a weird year. It was so transitional, I think
for many of us. And I almost didn't have a
(12:57):
plan for the year because I just had a bay
b and I was following my baby's lead. To be honest, yeah,
of course, and you know Jenna Kutcher, our mutual friend
who I absolutely adore. She was like, the first year
is for baby, the second year is for you to
get back. It's your year. So I feel like that's
what is going to be. It's going to be my
(13:18):
year to really rEFInd myself. I love that. You know. Yes, listen,
you had a massive identity shift in so many ways,
But let's talk about it. Let's talk about the part
of you that shifted heavy into executing as an entrepreneur.
You launched the self Funding Planner. You've obviously talked about
planning as a very key value for you. So let's
(13:39):
talk about what you just put out into the world,
because not only did you make a human baby, but
you launched a product. And tell me what that means
for you. The self Funding Planner. When do I feel
really connected when I'm journaling, when I'm being very present,
when I'm planning, because it's more than a planner, It's
like a mix of a journal and then I have
reflect and every month I have pre month planning so
(14:02):
they can get ahead and continue setting their goals. I
have a thank you note to yourself in the back
with a beautiful envelope that I want people to treasure
and maybe reflect on in a few years. So it
was just I was sat there during the pandemic feeling isolated,
thinking I miss meeting people, I'm miss connecting with people.
What is a product that I can create where I
(14:23):
can still do that? And I was like, it's got
to be this planet. And the phrase self funding I
developed with Philip because he was always trying to tell
me what's the thing that you do, And I'm like,
I like to invest in myself and let people know
that they need to invest in themselves too. And it's
about that self funding, like I'm believing in myself. I'm
(14:45):
my own investor, you know, I'm putting my money in
me and my time and me my energy into me
so I can be my best self. So that's where
the self funding came from. I love that. Before we
get into answering our listener questions, one of the things
that I wanted to just touch in with you and
you talked about, you know, your beautiful baby and he's
a year and a half now, and congratulations again for
(15:07):
you and Philip and the intentional parenting that you're creating.
And I'm curious now as you're looking to the holiday
seasons with with him? What are you thinking about? What
are you most grateful for? And mostly I think too,
is like what's changed for you in relationship to yourself.
You've launched a human you're launching a new business model.
You know, you're still out there in the world doing
all your wonderful work. What are you learning about you?
(15:31):
What I'm learning about me is I really need to
take deep breaths in the morning. I thought and believed
I couldn't be a morning person. It was such a dreadful,
terrible thing for me that I was like punished every
day for having to get up. And it was like,
I'm just going to shift my day forward a little
(15:52):
bit and make this work instead of complaining figuring out
how I can feel grateful for it. I can feel
grateful because now I've been productive, I get to finish earliest,
and now I get to be present with my child.
So that was a huge sift because, like you said,
so many transitions. I mean, all of a sudden, you
have a child that you don't have a manual for.
But there's thousands of manuals out there, but none of
(16:15):
them are for your child, right, So you're listening to
everyone else's noise, and you told me this would work,
and this doesn't. And the judgment and the comparison even
with the child and your parenting and your bounce back
or whatever people feel like they need to call it,
it's just a lot, and just being okay to not
(16:38):
do as much as I used to do, choosing to
say no a lot, not apologize for it, just say
I know that right now, in this season this doesn't work,
I'm going to be at home. I'm going to be
saying no, I'm going to be doing this less. Does
that mean that I'm giving up? Does that mean that
I'm unproductive? Doesn't know. It just means I'm choosing this
(17:01):
because this is right for me and my family right now. See,
and everything that you just shared it so beautiful because
you just described two very different kinds of dominant stories,
right that dominant story of like I'm not a morning person,
I can't do this. You know, we often think dominant
stories have to be these, um, you know, very heavy
or heavy things about our worth or our well being.
But I think even telling ourselves the story of what
(17:23):
you can or can't do, you were able to challenge
and change, which I know has been on the mind
a lot of minds a lot of the folks who
have written in. We've been collecting these questions is script
from our Dominant Stories listeners, and they're so interesting and varied,
and we ask folks to submit their holiday Dominant Stories questions.
Anything funny, frustrating, and otherwise that comes up for folks
(17:46):
during the holidays. And because I love hearing your advice
and I love telling people what to do, let's answer
some of these questions together. Let's do it. Can't wait.
So here's question number one. Okay, my husband and I
come from different cultural and religious backgrounds, and we recently
had a daughter. I'm struggling in knowing how to balance
(18:06):
the unique traditions between each set of grandparents. It feels
like each group of in laws has expectations of their
traditions being honored and continued with the grandchildren. And ultimately,
all I think about is I can't please anyone, and
I'm not doing this right. Is there a way I
can navigate this better? Oh? My goodness, Well, first up,
(18:28):
please don't feel like that. I know it's it's just
a natural, immediate thing that you're feeling. Um, but definitely
breathe through this and realize you're doing amazing and your
child is going to be so unique and so cultured
to have those that mix, that's beautiful. I would say
it sounds like you need to sit down with each
(18:51):
family group and explain, like I do feel this pressure.
I really am trying to do what's best for our
family and respect both of you, know your values, and
figure out what that compromise looks like. I don't know
if they're both in the same environment, would it be healthy.
And maybe to do half of the day, you know,
with one sign of family, the other half with the others,
(19:13):
so you get the both best of both worlds. Or
maybe one year you do you know, it's one family,
and the next you do it with the other. Yeah.
I love all of that. And one of the things
I'm picking up on in this person's question is that
repetitive thought of like, oh my gosh, I can't please everybody.
And what I want to say to this listener is
also focus on pleasing yourself. Remember you in this holiday season,
(19:37):
remember your family, and because you're a new family, you
get to make your own traditions and your own values.
And while it's so beautiful to want to honor your
in laws on each side. It's really important that you
give time for your own family to develop your traditions
and values, to and take that pressure off of that
voice that says you're not doing enough. I mean, it's
(19:57):
so much anyway, So just remember to please yourself too. Absolutely. Hey,
why don't we take a moment to recharge and reflect
and we'll be back in a flash. Yeah. Hey, here
(20:25):
we are back together again. All right, Now back to
our concoat. This is a really powerful question. This question
came in from a listener who said, I lost my
mother on Christmas Eve. She loved Christmas dearly and made
this holiday incredible for everyone around her. This holiday used
(20:47):
to mean the warmth of my mother's love times a million,
No matter how, I want to enjoy the holiday the
same way. Now, so many totems of this holiday just
trigger grief and remembrance of her. Her birthday was also
at twenty three, which often lands on Thanksgiving, So this
person is swirling in a lot of memories, and they say,
in essence, the holidays are really a period of grief
(21:09):
and reflection of my mom and me trying to remember
that that's also okay, but I have this negative voice
in my head, usually with a lot of sadness, telling
me that it's not okay to be happy during this time.
Do you have any recommendations on how to handle grief
during a time that's supposed to be about joy and celebration. Wow,
(21:29):
that's a lot. And I think it's already wonderful that
she's able to communicate. But that's how she's feeling, and
she's aware and clearly she's ready to feel different. So
for me, that's a huge first step. I lost my grandma,
who I was really close to. She kind of raised
me while my parents were young at college, and we
had a Christmas party and I remember her seeing her
(21:53):
sat there and I just looked at her and I
knew that this was the last Christmas party, was the
last family gathering, this was the last time she was
going to be with us, and I just remember crying
and running to the bathroom, and my mom followed me
and she just cried too, because I don't know, you
just sense that she was ninety three. And after that grieving,
(22:18):
I really tried to intentionally think I'm going to celebrate her,
because there are still times where I feel her or
I see a sign and I'm like, oh, I miss you,
but your grandsallo you. Like, I really try whatever I
can to push through the grieving and the the sandness
(22:39):
of it, to really find the celebration in it and
just say I'm so grateful I got you in my life.
I had all those memories with you. Yeah, I will
say that's the only close person I've lost, and it
was a huge loss. And that's how I've been handling it.
Is it. Have you got more advice with the jess
because I know that during the pandemic you lost a
(23:02):
lot of family members. Yeah, we've lost to family. I've
actually lost three family members during this time, unfortunately. And
my husband lost both his mother and his brother and
his and their birthdays. I I relate to this listeners
question because their birthdays are close to the holidays, and
so I think this is what I would add to
your beautiful story too, about tapping into the celebration and
(23:23):
the grief. I don't think it has to be either or.
I don't think it's a binary experience. I think every
day with grief is different, and I would love to
normalize that more for people. And I think because there
is a lot of pressure for the holidays. I mean,
this listener said, I just feel like I can't be
happy during this time. I would want that listener to
take the pressure off of themselves to know, you can
feel happy in one moment and you can feel sad
(23:45):
in the next, and you can go back and forth
with those emotions. It doesn't have to be one or
the other. And in fact, when grief enjoy lives side
by side, which they can often do for those of
us who survive loss of somebody, it just makes you
more in touch with living. It just reminds you write
that like life is precious and short and not promised,
and finding the moments where you can celebrate. But also,
(24:07):
grieving is such a tricky thing. It comes up sometimes
out of nowhere, and if we put pressure on ourselves
to feel like we have to be quote unquote over it,
it just adds more strain and stress and shame to
that moment. So I would just add let yourself feel
it all. Don't put an expectation that it has to
be one way or the other just because it's the holidays.
I think that's so valid and I definitely learned from
(24:30):
that too. Thank you, jess Um, this is a really
interesting question. I wonder how you're going to handle this one.
So this question says, I feel like my close family
expects me to hide who I am in order not
to offend the rest of the family. I'm told not
to bring up certain beliefs or current events so that
I don't upset my grandparents. I've also been told to
(24:52):
make sure I hide my tattoos. I've made so much
progress in my self esteem, but it also feels like
my dominant story are around, my identity are literally unwrapped
during the holidays. I feel like I have to hide
who I really am. How do you think I can
balance staying true to myself or respecting my family and
navigating these dynamics. I mean, I feel uncomfortable that anyone
(25:18):
would want to shrink anyone else. You know that that
for me to feel so unnatural, and it's something that
I would never do. But I understand that sometimes people
want to keep the peace right. I know, for example,
living here in Austin, Texas, I've been in family environments
where you know, I've had a friend who said, Mom,
can you please not bring up Trump? Because you know
(25:39):
most of the people here are liberal if Trump did
come up, or you know her beliefs, if you're left
or right, if that comes up? Can we not have
an adult conversation? Some people would rather avoid it. I
feel like I want to say, if you're nourishing yourself
with your tribe and your people who allow you to
be yourself, and you're like I was able to be
(26:01):
in this environment for an hour, Now I'm going to
go meet my friends at the bar or whatever it
might be, or go to the park or going to
nature walk or a hike, or go or go to
the movies or do whatever you need to do. Yeah. Yeah,
it's like a last resort that you should step away
from your family, you know, unless it's super super harmful.
But also if it is, if it really feels like
(26:21):
you aren't able to be yourself, you can choose to
say no, you don't have to be there. I agree,
and I think you know where my head goes eskra Is.
I think these questions are so thoughtful because what I
keep hearing in them is like, how do I keep
showing up being true to myself? Right? Even the question
about grief was about that. Even the question about family
(26:43):
traditions was about that. So what I hear in this
question is like, how do I stay being me inside
of a family that may not be comfortable with all
aspects of me? And the thing I want to say
to this person is, well, this is something I've often said. Look,
families push your buttons because they installed them, all right, So,
like it is a very familiar feeling inside of a
(27:06):
family system to fall into patterns right of childhood, patterns
of the way your family sees you or wants to
see you. This is a great moment to exercise your
belief in knowing who you are and tapping out of
needing to be approved, whether it's your tattoos or your
political beliefs from your family. I always talk about like,
(27:26):
let's not go to the hardware store for milk, like
if it's not going to be there, If the connection
and the respect you can come in with your own
set of boundaries. I mean, I think this is a
great opportunity to sit down with somebody and say, hey,
I you know respect that we have different points of
view on this. Let's say about my tattoos, But my
tattoos are a part of me, It's who I am.
(27:47):
They're on me. There's something I can do about it.
I'm not gonna necessarily cover it up. You know, how
can we negotiate this? I understand confronting can be hard,
but I think the act of boundary in yourself, standing
up for yourself, just doing what matters to you when
you step into a family system is really really important
so that you don't get sucked into all of those
dominant stories that you need to hide. All right, this
(28:10):
is interesting. We've got a couple more left. So this
one says during the holidays, I struggle with feeling like
I can't give enough because I can't afford it. I
feel terrible because I want to be able to give
more than I can. How do I keep this kind
of pressure out of my gift giving? This is so
interesting because one of the most one of my friends
that makes me feel the most loved and appreciative valued
(28:32):
is she has nothing. She lives in a van on
a hill in Spain, and she has been my friends
for so many years, and she gave up all kind
of material things to move to a place and live
a supernatural She calls it her hippie life, but she
(28:52):
the way we communicates the gifts she gives me, she
writes me poetry, she checks in in such a deeper
way that I feel so valued by her, and we
have this appreciation of our friendship that she feels like
a gift. She doesn't need to send me anything ever.
That's beautiful. And I think that one of the great
(29:13):
things you can do is giving your time, you know,
planning things that are completely free, going out for a hike,
spending time in nature. If you had an intentional moment
with like that with someone, or planned a day with
someone and they just came to your house and he
made them breakfast and then say we're going to go
on this walk. I'm going to take you to one
of my favorite spots with the best view of the city.
(29:35):
Something like that. That is a beautiful gift, something I
value more than any material gift, and I'm sure that
your people would too. I don't have much to add
to that. I would say that there's a lot of
pressure to feel like you're able to demonstrate love through
material goods, and you know, no matter what season you're
(29:55):
out in your life and your relationship to money or finances,
I think just to remember your worth is not also
tied to the value of what you're able to provide,
but by the virtue of your relationship and the way
that you express yourself. Like put a premium on that.
It's that time again. I'll be back before you know it.
(30:30):
Oh my gosh, I hope you're enjoying this as much
as I am. All right, let's dig back in. It's
interesting the last two questions that we have are going
to be right up your alley because there are a
lot of body image related which is kind of where
we started in our conversation, because this is the thing
(30:50):
that comes up a lot for folks. So I'm not
surprised by these questions, but I think they're really interesting.
So let me One question says when I was thirteen
years old, I was at my family Christmas and we
were all sitting around the dinner table with the entire
family when my aunt turned to my father and loudly asked,
isn't it about time you got her a bra? Pointing
to me. Oh, I was mortified. Has anything like this
(31:15):
happened to you in your family? This moment has not
only left me with a huge insecurity about my body,
but for my breast in particular. Please help, isn't it
wonderful what people just decided to do a scars you
for life. I feel like there probably is a bunch
of moments like that. I think definitely the chubby puppy
(31:39):
fat comments feel relatable to this moment in the sense
that it was definitely just like if I, like everyone was,
you know, laughing about it, I was the butt of
the joke. Yeah, I hope it's just going to fall off.
That's what they kept saying. Oh, We'll just fall off,
and you know, laughing it off, and you know, eat
some more roast potatoes because I love roast potatoes. Who
doesn't love potato? But this is going to take some unpacking.
(32:02):
One of the tools that I love is not only
journaling gratitude list, but mirror work. Getting in front of
that mirror and just trying to essentially play that narrative
in your head, play that moment back. And I've done
quite a bit of therapy for a different type of moment,
but I work with a hypnotherapist and a therapist a
(32:24):
bunch of times to go back and think about the
moment where it happened. It was a wonderful gift my
therapist gave to me to handle a traumatic event and
maybe it can help you too, But there's also other
tools me and just do right writing a letter to
this person, Yep, I think writing a letter could be great.
I also want to say to this listener like, that
was a really traumatic experience for a developing body to
(32:48):
have all eyes on you, and it has a lot
of shame packed into it from your aunt. And maybe
what I would say is, outside of whatever modality you
might be in right now, if you're in therapy or
if you've not gotten any help for this, there are
lots of books that can help you unpack that traumatic
moment of a body shame and know that you don't
have to carry that shame anymore. Right. I mean one
(33:10):
of the things I would do that's, you know a
little bit more in the vein of writing that letter
is I like rewriting these dominant stories. So maybe you
could go back to that time and do an exercise
in which you first write down everything you remember feeling
as a thirteen year old shamed, embarrassed, angry, afraid, and
then rewrite the scenario in which, now, with the intelligence
(33:33):
or wisdom that you might have, is maybe somebody who's
obviously I don't think it's thirteen anymore. How would you
go back and handle that? What do you wish you
could have said? Or how could you have handled And
even though I know we can't go back in time,
what happens with our obsessive thoughts around the trauma is
that it does dissipate the intensity of that memory, and
it gives you a chance to rewrite that dominant story.
(33:54):
And so any of these ideas or maybe something I
hope you, sweet listener, walk away if and and think
about and know that you don't have to be stuck
in that moment anymore, right, m If this happened to anyone,
it would really really impact them. So I'm so sorry
it happened to you. But I know that you deserve
to feel better about yourself, and you can and you will,
(34:16):
So we believe in you, alright. Last question, this is
something we actually talked about in the interview. This listener says,
I've gained weight during the pandemic, enough weight that it's noticeable.
My mom is a pretty image obsessed person, and so
is my sister. So I know that when I see
them for the first time in over a year, they're
(34:37):
going to make a comment. I already think I'm fat
and disgusting. Those words roll through my head constantly. How
do I brace for this interaction? I already want to
scream and cry. Oh my goodness, feel scrat How do
people handle body comments during the holidays? What would you
do in her position? I mean, I think the you're
(35:00):
that you're aware of what's going to happen, and you
know that it's not okay because it's not. What you
have to think about is that it's a shame that
they're stuck in that mindset. Is there an opportunity for
you to sit down with them and share and discuss
and help them see from your point of view, discussed
that we are a fat phobic society, and that you
(35:21):
know your value and worth isn't based in your size.
You're in a very self aware of position where you
are struggling with the weight fluctuation, which again is very natural.
I'm definitely here with you. I've I don't know how
much weight I've put on during the pandemic. I know
that it doesn't impact other relationships in my life because
(35:43):
I've had to educate them and share that with them
and help them understand it's okay. To gain weight, and
so I think that you have a chance. And this
is what I would see it as as an opportunity
to have a constructive conversation that's going to help them
see the is differently, that's potentially going to change their
mindset on how they view themselves, on how they view
(36:06):
weight gain, all of these things, because maybe they've never
had a moment to actually sit down and challenge their
own flat phobia or how they feel. I would almost
guarantee that it's going to bring you closer together, and
it's quite surface level, right, and not have them think
about how that might make you feel. So I would
(36:27):
assume that there it will be a surface level like, oh, Amanda,
you've put in some weight. Oh that's a shame. That's
very surface. But if you then bring them into the
conversation to say I've gained weight, I know it's okay.
Shall we discuss this because I feel like you have
a view of how I might feel about this and
I want to work through it with you. That's how
(36:49):
I would approach it. I love everything that you said.
In an ideal scenario, if you've got a relationship that
can bear that kind of honest recalibration. I think it's great.
I might add some other ways that you can handle
that if you don't feel safe to go there with family,
or you're just not there in a courageous place yet
(37:10):
to say. Hey, so a couple of things I say
to people, and I've actually done this myself. I mean, look,
you can do everything from mom, I love you, and
my body is none of your business. So people are
who are looking for like a quick thing to say, sis,
I adore you, and my body's off limits for this holiday. Okay,
if you don't want to get into the bigger convo,
that's one thing. The other thing is I too agree,
(37:32):
is Chris. Sometimes it's also good to say, how like
that hurt? I didn't invite that conversation. I don't feel
comfortable having this conversation. I mean that requires a level
of vulnerability. The other thing is you can also add
a little humor into this to say, you know what,
we're all just living and surviving through a pandemic, Like,
let's just cut some slack for all of us this year.
(37:53):
So I generalized the response, so it doesn't feel very directive,
and it kind of reminds people like, oh yeah, maybe
I should just like chill it on the fat talk
because we are in the middle of surviving some pretty
uncanny things right now. So I think, whatever your personality is,
whatever your level of confrontation is, you are worthy and
valuable enough to say something. You don't have to just
accept it. You don't have to just fear it. You
(38:15):
get a chance to also say how it impacts you,
how you'd prefer to be treated, and you know why
this is important to you. And that's one of the
best ways we can change and challenge and rewrite our
dominant stories. For sure, we want you to know you
are empowered in this scenario. This is your body at
the end of the day. Bingo. I guess my in
my ideal world, right, we all have these conversations and
(38:39):
we have all these teachable moments and we get to
change the whole society because no one's going to be
fat fo anymore. It's going to be wonderful. But that
is we're exhausted too, But we just want to let
you know that this is your day, this is your body,
and this is your choice however you decide to handle
this beautifully said, I knew you were the right voice
to bring into this secial edition episode Instagram. I love
(39:03):
and adore you. I'm proud of your new endeavors. I'm
excited to see them out in the world, and I'm
so so grateful that you joined in to answer these
listener questions. How lucky are we today? So happy holidays
to all of our listeners right now. Absolutely, you are heard,
you are seeing, you are loved. We're all worth it,
We're all worth taking this time to. I mean, it's
(39:24):
Jess Weena and what a legend. Um. I love learning
from you. Thank you so much for your voice and
light in this world. I absolutely adore you and I'm
always sending you love. And all the people that we're
connecting with right now who are listening to this, you
are loved and happy holidays. See you in two. Well,
(39:49):
first of all, I owe you, my sweet listeners a
debt of gratitude for these incredible questions. They were rich
and complicated, and I expected nothing less from y'all. So
the things that are coming up for me that we're
a theme were the notion that you are worth having
difficult conversations. I mean, I know nobody likes to have
(40:11):
difficult conversations, but if that were to happen during this
holiday time. Whether that means you have to stick up
for yourself or tell somebody how you feel, or establish
a boundary, we both want you to know that you're
worth it. You're worthy and valuable enough to say something
about how you prefer to be treated and how others
are impacting you. Speaking of boundaries, number two is one
(40:33):
of the things that I think can help in establishing
a boundary, especially around families, because remember I said, you
know families know how to push your buttons because often
they've installed them. It just means that we know we're
more likely to get triggered around the roles that we
play in our family or with our loved ones. So
it's easy to fall back into old patterns, and if
you're trying to break those patterns and set some new boundaries,
(40:54):
one of the best things to do is to really
focus on your values. What's important to you during this time?
What do I want to get out of today? Stay
focused on the gratitude of the moment. It won't control
what people might say or do, but it will control
how you feel about your time and your space and
your energy, and it will likely give you more power
(41:15):
to have those courageous conversations if you need to. Setting
boundaries really important, especially during this time of year. And then, lastly,
I was expecting these kinds of questions. Body image, negative
self talk of focus on food and fat and weight
often comes up during the holidays. I loved Eskri's advice
about you are empowered because this is your body, so
(41:37):
tend to it, care for it, speak up for yourself,
I would add in there. I know it sounds tripe,
but it is really important. Be extra kind to yourself.
The talk about weight loss and weight gain and food
and all this stuff can just be so in the
atmosphere during this time of year. So remember that your
body truly is nobody else's business. If you have to
(41:57):
go to the bathroom and put your feet on the ground,
take five deep breaths, do some self talk in the mirror,
remember an affirmation like go take a short walk around
the block. Whatever you need to do to regulate yourself.
Be grateful for your body, be kind to it, and
be kind to yourself. Your body is doing so many
good things for you. Staying focused on that during this
(42:17):
time of year is so so important. If you're interested
in learning more about dominant stories and how you can
change them and challenge them. I teach workshops and courses
(42:40):
on that, and you can sign up at Jess Weiner
dot com or you can follow me on Instagram that
I'm Jess Weiner And as always, I'm so delighted to
hear from you. I'd love to hear about your dominant
stories and how you're challenging, changing, and rewriting them. So
give me an update. You can email me at podcast
at dominant stories dot com or leave a voicemail at
two on three nine Rio three three. And don't worry
(43:01):
if he didn't catch all that in folks, I'll make
sure to include him of the show notes. Next week,
we're going to explore the question can I love my
body and still want to lose weight. I'm gonna be
talking with Amani al Katabi and author, activist and founder
of muslim Girl dot com about the nuances of loving
(43:23):
your body while still wanting to change it. Ammy is
going to share about her personal relationship to her body image,
her identity as a Muslim woman, and her journey in
losing over one pounds. Thank you so much for tuning in,
and please don't forget to write a review. Wherever you're
hearing my voice right now, it's super duper helps us out,
(43:44):
and remember we are always learning and we're always growing.
Dominant Stories with Jess Weiner is a production of Shondaland
(44:04):
Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I'm Shonda Rhymes and we're bringing you Dominant Stories, created
by Shawn land Audio in partnership with the Dove Self
Esteem Project. I guess my, in my ideal world, right,
we all have these conversations and we have all these
teachable moments, and we get to change the whole society
because no one's going to be fun flow beginning more.
(00:20):
It's going to be wonderful. But we're exhausted too. But
we just want to let you know that this is
your day, this is your body, and this is your
choice however you decide to handle this. Hey, I'm Jess
Weener and this is Dominant Stories, the podcast that helps
us reclaim and rewrite the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves,
(00:44):
about our bodies, our beauty, our creativity, and our identities.
You know, we talk a lot with the guests on
this show about their childhood, because I think for so
many of us, that's where these dominant stories, the stories
that we tell ourselves about ourselves. Often they come from
(01:06):
the experiences we've had growing up. Either we've inherited some
negative voices from our parents, who likely often inherited them
from their parents, or maybe as a kid we've had
some formidable experience in school or in sports, or friendships
or relationships. So cut to the moment that I'm recording
this episode right now, which is smack dab in the
(01:27):
middle of the holiday season, and many of us are
getting ready to see family, friends, or loved ones that
we haven't seen in a while. And even in non
pandemic years, the holidays for some people can be very triggering,
very frustrating, and downright chaotic. That's why I was inspired
to do this special edition episode of the podcast around
(01:48):
the holidays and the dominant stories that can tend to
come up for us during this time of year. So
whether you are dreading a family convo about your way
or your appearance, or they're gonna ask you about your
relationship status or your career trajectory, this show is for you.
We're also going to be talking about how to celebrate
and challenge and change these stories so that we can
(02:10):
make the most of the time that we have with
the people that we love. I asked you to submit
your questions for today, and I'm going to answer them
along with the help of a very special guest. Joining
me today is entrepreneur and model and new parent Scar
Lawrence kra is a champion for mental wellness and self
esteem and self care. She's made waves and her very
(02:32):
successful career as a model and body image advocate, and
she shares her life to millions of fans on social
media about a range of her new experiences as a parent,
as a business owner, having just launched a new product
called the Self Funding Planner, which we're going to talk about.
But one of the reasons that I wanted Escra to
join me and answering your questions is because she and
(02:52):
I have had some really fascinating conversations around the way
that we can reframe our identities in life, whether that's
about our work, or our relationships, or our body image.
So we're gonna take some turns answering your burning questions
today about holiday related dominant stories. As always, if you
(03:13):
enjoy the podcast, let me know what you think by
subscribing or writing a review wherever you're listening. Are you
ready let's dig in? Yeah? Okay, my love, I'm so
happy to have you on this show. Absolutely, We've been
asking from our audience for a while now to send
(03:35):
us some of you know, their stories and dominant stories
that are coming up during the holidays and things that
they're working through and struggling with. But that's what I
wanted to dig in with you. So we're gonna get
to those questions in a moment. But I'm curious for
you when you think about the holidays, like just top
of mind, what are the words that immediately come up
for you when I say the holidays? Family, food, not naps?
(04:01):
Do you really get to nap? I mean this year,
that's my absolute goal. I'm finishing out this week strong,
filled with work, then I'm going to switch my phone off.
I'm going to take every opportunity to nap and just
really replenish, recover, restore all the odds the good arena.
(04:22):
I love that for me this year, it's exactly what
you just said. It's replenished, it's unplug and I'm really
looking forward to having a moment to reflect. I usually
love this time of year just to take some internal
inventory of things that really worked for me, things that
I want to shift or grow more into or away from.
(04:42):
So I love this time as a real like moment
of reflection. That's beautiful. Yeah, you know, and listen, I
think for everybody it comes up really differently and so
that's partly why we wanted to dig into some of
these things today. But I wanted to talk a little
bit Escra about your career as a model and activist,
a spokesperson for a while, has been a lot about
bringing up the topic of body image and self esteem
(05:04):
in a public manner. Anybody that follows your work online
and your work over the years knows you're very forthright,
You're very authentic, You're very real, which is a lot
of what I think excites and inspires people. And I
think during the holidays, I want to dive right into
the issue of of you know, body image during the holidays,
it's incredibly triggering for people. It's a time around food
(05:25):
and family, but food and family can be very triggering
for folks. Right, Yes, I just read a recent staff
that is not surprising to me. Percent of women in
the US have gained weight during the pandemic. And so
I think if normally folks go home and get an
unsolicited comment about their weight anyway, pre pandemic, a lot
of us might be seeing our families with some shifted
(05:47):
physical appearances that could elicit some of these convocts. So
there's a whole swarm of dominant stories waiting for folks
and for you. Do you have any dominant stories that
have come up for you about your body during the hose?
Was the holidays ever kind of a triggering time for
you around body image? Growing up? I certainly remember having
(06:08):
puppy fat. That's what my family called it. What does
that mean? Apparently it's when you're a chubby kid and
the puppy fat will just melt off as you turn
into a teenager, because that's what's naturally meant to happen.
So it's kind of like, oh, it's just puppy fat,
but obviously you have to get rid of it, because
(06:28):
you know, society is fatphobic. So I definitely know that
I always had a good appetite and people always kind
of spoke to me in that sense, and it felt
light and playful. But understanding that if anyone is basing
any type of value or work on appearance, it's not
(06:50):
a positive thing, especially for young people as they're developing.
When anything is referred to about your size and your
weight immediately is going to make you hyper aware of that.
And we are so much more as beings than just
the physical. So that's why I think this is so
(07:10):
relevant during the holidays because unfortunately, we live in a
society where our value and worth is appearance based. That's
where we are really judged immediately by, like you said,
any shift in appearance. And for some reason we feel
super super super comfortable to tell people and and be
(07:31):
very verbal about it. And I think that is due
to the media. When we think about the headlines that
we are constantly fed, they are nearly, especially for women,
always appearance based. However, I know there's Tom Holland at
the moment having to defend his height, so even there
there's a perfect example that some physical appearance is again
(07:52):
being judged, being picked apart, being made the center focal
point of probably a loving, beautiful, happy relationship. But we
have to take it back to the bare basics of
physical appearance. So I think unfortunately it's weirdly people's comfort
zone for for small talk, and so if you haven't
(08:12):
seen family members for a long time, they immediately go
to that because that's their comfort thing. It's what's discussed
in society all the time. So it's like, hey, wow,
you lost weight, how do you do that? You look
great toes or vice versa. Someone's going to go, oh
nazis put on a few hounds. And we live in
such a visual culture right now. There's a lot of
emphasis on transformation and before and afters. And you know,
(08:37):
your conversation around puppy fat, I was imagining a somewhat
similar thing to a kid baby fat, right or they're
like they've got baby fat, very similar. Yeah, it makes
me think about how we should be and need to
be more mindful of how we talked to kids during
this time of year. Right. So, if you've got a
kid who's putting on a lot of food on their
plate because they're really excited and they're hungry, how do
(08:57):
we normalize that and not stigmatize that and make it
anything other than just enjoying that moment? And I know
that that gets complicated for people. They have lots of
beliefs around food and nutrition and all that kind of stuff.
But words matter, don't they Absolutely. I'm already very conscious
and I have a one and a half year old,
and it does get tricky, and I'm you know, this
(09:18):
is a gray area for me as someone who struggled
with an eating disorder, figuring out what maybe triggered me
when I was younger. What do I vividly remember were
points when I decided if food was good or bad?
Or when I remember learning that I should feel guilty
for eating a brownie or it's a treat to have
(09:40):
a McDonald's, Like, how did I learn that? And how
do I make sure that? How I'm communicating with my
child because I need to make him aware, but at
the same time, I just need to give him absolutely
everything to understand that food is not emotional, to detach
the good and the bad and those emotions and those
guilt and no feeling around food. Because I do know
(10:02):
my great aunt, you know, I've seen her say to
one of my younger cousins, you can't eat that biscuit,
You'll get fat. It's trying to come from a good
place because, like we said, society basis success and worth
attraction on appearance, and right now, our beauty ideal and
(10:24):
generally it has been a slimmer. We're a fat phobic society,
So that is meant to come from a good place.
I I'm protecting you from these sugary, high calorie foods
that will make you gain weight, because no one wants
to gain weight. It's the worst thing you can do right,
almost going to be impossible for me to not have
a scenario where my child is going to hear that
(10:46):
somehow correct. So I think it's really understanding food as
a valuable fuel and talking about the colors, the nourishment,
the vitamins, like all the parts that make it one
of full. And then also we get to eat a
brownie when we want to because it's something that we enjoy,
but we also enjoy fueling our food with broccoli and
(11:09):
fresh foods because those are super nutritious and that feels
amazing for our body. So really just trying to get
that intuitive eating When do you feel full? Can you
understand that this is nourishing? You have to eat? We
all have to eat. Yeah, you know it's funny because
it's not only just this holiday season of family gatherings
(11:29):
and whatnot, but like soon after we barrel straight into
New Year's and resolutions and the focus on turning a
new page and starting a new which I love as
a metaphor but I hate as a concept of pressure.
And I was curious what your take is on New
Year's resolutions? Do you make them? Do you believe in them?
(11:49):
The only thing I do at the top of the
year is like you said, I'd like to reflect. So
it's interesting you reflect in December. I almost don't want
to do it yet because I want to be hopefully
super unproductive. I get really excited to completely switch off,
like the last ten days of December, like really switch off.
(12:12):
In the beginning of the new year. I get excited
to think, Okay, let's look back, so that's my reflection,
and now let's plan. Let's do some goal setting. And
this isn't about I need to completely change who I
am or what I did or what I look like
or anything like that. It's just more like, I'm excited
for this year. There is so much opportunity. Abundance is everywhere.
(12:35):
Let's make the most of it. Plan it out so
it feels like there's less pressure, and those big goals
break them down so they feel more digestible. So one
I'm not sure yet where it's going to be. Was
such a weird year. It was so transitional, I think
for many of us. And I almost didn't have a
(12:57):
plan for the year because I just had a bay
b and I was following my baby's lead. To be honest, yeah,
of course, and you know Jenna Kutcher, our mutual friend
who I absolutely adore. She was like, the first year
is for baby, the second year is for you to
get back. It's your year. So I feel like that's
what is going to be. It's going to be my
(13:18):
year to really rEFInd myself. I love that. You know. Yes, listen,
you had a massive identity shift in so many ways,
But let's talk about it. Let's talk about the part
of you that shifted heavy into executing as an entrepreneur.
You launched the self Funding Planner. You've obviously talked about
planning as a very key value for you. So let's
(13:39):
talk about what you just put out into the world,
because not only did you make a human baby, but
you launched a product. And tell me what that means
for you. The self Funding Planner. When do I feel
really connected when I'm journaling, when I'm being very present,
when I'm planning, because it's more than a planner, It's
like a mix of a journal and then I have
reflect and every month I have pre month planning so
(14:02):
they can get ahead and continue setting their goals. I
have a thank you note to yourself in the back
with a beautiful envelope that I want people to treasure
and maybe reflect on in a few years. So it
was just I was sat there during the pandemic feeling isolated,
thinking I miss meeting people, I'm miss connecting with people.
What is a product that I can create where I
(14:23):
can still do that? And I was like, it's got
to be this planet. And the phrase self funding I
developed with Philip because he was always trying to tell
me what's the thing that you do, And I'm like,
I like to invest in myself and let people know
that they need to invest in themselves too. And it's
about that self funding, like I'm believing in myself. I'm
(14:45):
my own investor, you know, I'm putting my money in
me and my time and me my energy into me
so I can be my best self. So that's where
the self funding came from. I love that. Before we
get into answering our listener questions, one of the things
that I wanted to just touch in with you and
you talked about, you know, your beautiful baby and he's
a year and a half now, and congratulations again for
(15:07):
you and Philip and the intentional parenting that you're creating.
And I'm curious now as you're looking to the holiday
seasons with with him? What are you thinking about? What
are you most grateful for? And mostly I think too,
is like what's changed for you in relationship to yourself.
You've launched a human you're launching a new business model.
You know, you're still out there in the world doing
all your wonderful work. What are you learning about you?
(15:31):
What I'm learning about me is I really need to
take deep breaths in the morning. I thought and believed
I couldn't be a morning person. It was such a dreadful,
terrible thing for me that I was like punished every
day for having to get up. And it was like,
I'm just going to shift my day forward a little
(15:52):
bit and make this work instead of complaining figuring out
how I can feel grateful for it. I can feel
grateful because now I've been productive, I get to finish earliest,
and now I get to be present with my child.
So that was a huge sift because, like you said,
so many transitions. I mean, all of a sudden, you
have a child that you don't have a manual for.
But there's thousands of manuals out there, but none of
(16:15):
them are for your child, right, So you're listening to
everyone else's noise, and you told me this would work,
and this doesn't. And the judgment and the comparison even
with the child and your parenting and your bounce back
or whatever people feel like they need to call it,
it's just a lot, and just being okay to not
(16:38):
do as much as I used to do, choosing to
say no a lot, not apologize for it, just say
I know that right now, in this season this doesn't work,
I'm going to be at home. I'm going to be
saying no, I'm going to be doing this less. Does
that mean that I'm giving up? Does that mean that
I'm unproductive? Doesn't know. It just means I'm choosing this
(17:01):
because this is right for me and my family right now. See,
and everything that you just shared it so beautiful because
you just described two very different kinds of dominant stories,
right that dominant story of like I'm not a morning person,
I can't do this. You know, we often think dominant
stories have to be these, um, you know, very heavy
or heavy things about our worth or our well being.
But I think even telling ourselves the story of what
(17:23):
you can or can't do, you were able to challenge
and change, which I know has been on the mind
a lot of minds a lot of the folks who
have written in. We've been collecting these questions is script
from our Dominant Stories listeners, and they're so interesting and varied,
and we ask folks to submit their holiday Dominant Stories questions.
Anything funny, frustrating, and otherwise that comes up for folks
(17:46):
during the holidays. And because I love hearing your advice
and I love telling people what to do, let's answer
some of these questions together. Let's do it. Can't wait.
So here's question number one. Okay, my husband and I
come from different cultural and religious backgrounds, and we recently
had a daughter. I'm struggling in knowing how to balance
(18:06):
the unique traditions between each set of grandparents. It feels
like each group of in laws has expectations of their
traditions being honored and continued with the grandchildren. And ultimately,
all I think about is I can't please anyone, and
I'm not doing this right. Is there a way I
can navigate this better? Oh? My goodness, Well, first up,
(18:28):
please don't feel like that. I know it's it's just
a natural, immediate thing that you're feeling. Um, but definitely
breathe through this and realize you're doing amazing and your
child is going to be so unique and so cultured
to have those that mix, that's beautiful. I would say
it sounds like you need to sit down with each
(18:51):
family group and explain, like I do feel this pressure.
I really am trying to do what's best for our
family and respect both of you, know your values, and
figure out what that compromise looks like. I don't know
if they're both in the same environment, would it be healthy.
And maybe to do half of the day, you know,
with one sign of family, the other half with the others,
(19:13):
so you get the both best of both worlds. Or
maybe one year you do you know, it's one family,
and the next you do it with the other. Yeah.
I love all of that. And one of the things
I'm picking up on in this person's question is that
repetitive thought of like, oh my gosh, I can't please everybody.
And what I want to say to this listener is
also focus on pleasing yourself. Remember you in this holiday season,
(19:37):
remember your family, and because you're a new family, you
get to make your own traditions and your own values.
And while it's so beautiful to want to honor your
in laws on each side. It's really important that you
give time for your own family to develop your traditions
and values, to and take that pressure off of that
voice that says you're not doing enough. I mean, it's
(19:57):
so much anyway, So just remember to please yourself too. Absolutely. Hey,
why don't we take a moment to recharge and reflect
and we'll be back in a flash. Yeah. Hey, here
(20:25):
we are back together again. All right, Now back to
our concoat. This is a really powerful question. This question
came in from a listener who said, I lost my
mother on Christmas Eve. She loved Christmas dearly and made
this holiday incredible for everyone around her. This holiday used
(20:47):
to mean the warmth of my mother's love times a million,
No matter how, I want to enjoy the holiday the
same way. Now, so many totems of this holiday just
trigger grief and remembrance of her. Her birthday was also
at twenty three, which often lands on Thanksgiving, So this
person is swirling in a lot of memories, and they say,
in essence, the holidays are really a period of grief
(21:09):
and reflection of my mom and me trying to remember
that that's also okay, but I have this negative voice
in my head, usually with a lot of sadness, telling
me that it's not okay to be happy during this time.
Do you have any recommendations on how to handle grief
during a time that's supposed to be about joy and celebration. Wow,
(21:29):
that's a lot. And I think it's already wonderful that
she's able to communicate. But that's how she's feeling, and
she's aware and clearly she's ready to feel different. So
for me, that's a huge first step. I lost my grandma,
who I was really close to. She kind of raised
me while my parents were young at college, and we
had a Christmas party and I remember her seeing her
(21:53):
sat there and I just looked at her and I
knew that this was the last Christmas party, was the
last family gathering, this was the last time she was
going to be with us, and I just remember crying
and running to the bathroom, and my mom followed me
and she just cried too, because I don't know, you
just sense that she was ninety three. And after that grieving,
(22:18):
I really tried to intentionally think I'm going to celebrate her,
because there are still times where I feel her or
I see a sign and I'm like, oh, I miss you,
but your grandsallo you. Like, I really try whatever I
can to push through the grieving and the the sandness
(22:39):
of it, to really find the celebration in it and
just say I'm so grateful I got you in my life.
I had all those memories with you. Yeah, I will
say that's the only close person I've lost, and it
was a huge loss. And that's how I've been handling it.
Is it. Have you got more advice with the jess
because I know that during the pandemic you lost a
(23:02):
lot of family members. Yeah, we've lost to family. I've
actually lost three family members during this time, unfortunately. And
my husband lost both his mother and his brother and
his and their birthdays. I I relate to this listeners
question because their birthdays are close to the holidays, and
so I think this is what I would add to
your beautiful story too, about tapping into the celebration and
(23:23):
the grief. I don't think it has to be either or.
I don't think it's a binary experience. I think every
day with grief is different, and I would love to
normalize that more for people. And I think because there
is a lot of pressure for the holidays. I mean,
this listener said, I just feel like I can't be
happy during this time. I would want that listener to
take the pressure off of themselves to know, you can
feel happy in one moment and you can feel sad
(23:45):
in the next, and you can go back and forth
with those emotions. It doesn't have to be one or
the other. And in fact, when grief enjoy lives side
by side, which they can often do for those of
us who survive loss of somebody, it just makes you
more in touch with living. It just reminds you write
that like life is precious and short and not promised,
and finding the moments where you can celebrate. But also,
(24:07):
grieving is such a tricky thing. It comes up sometimes
out of nowhere, and if we put pressure on ourselves
to feel like we have to be quote unquote over it,
it just adds more strain and stress and shame to
that moment. So I would just add let yourself feel
it all. Don't put an expectation that it has to
be one way or the other just because it's the holidays.
I think that's so valid and I definitely learned from
(24:30):
that too. Thank you, jess Um, this is a really
interesting question. I wonder how you're going to handle this one.
So this question says, I feel like my close family
expects me to hide who I am in order not
to offend the rest of the family. I'm told not
to bring up certain beliefs or current events so that
I don't upset my grandparents. I've also been told to
(24:52):
make sure I hide my tattoos. I've made so much
progress in my self esteem, but it also feels like
my dominant story are around, my identity are literally unwrapped
during the holidays. I feel like I have to hide
who I really am. How do you think I can
balance staying true to myself or respecting my family and
navigating these dynamics. I mean, I feel uncomfortable that anyone
(25:18):
would want to shrink anyone else. You know that that
for me to feel so unnatural, and it's something that
I would never do. But I understand that sometimes people
want to keep the peace right. I know, for example,
living here in Austin, Texas, I've been in family environments
where you know, I've had a friend who said, Mom,
can you please not bring up Trump? Because you know
(25:39):
most of the people here are liberal if Trump did
come up, or you know her beliefs, if you're left
or right, if that comes up? Can we not have
an adult conversation? Some people would rather avoid it. I
feel like I want to say, if you're nourishing yourself
with your tribe and your people who allow you to
be yourself, and you're like I was able to be
(26:01):
in this environment for an hour, Now I'm going to
go meet my friends at the bar or whatever it
might be, or go to the park or going to
nature walk or a hike, or go or go to
the movies or do whatever you need to do. Yeah. Yeah,
it's like a last resort that you should step away
from your family, you know, unless it's super super harmful.
But also if it is, if it really feels like
(26:21):
you aren't able to be yourself, you can choose to
say no, you don't have to be there. I agree,
and I think you know where my head goes eskra Is.
I think these questions are so thoughtful because what I
keep hearing in them is like, how do I keep
showing up being true to myself? Right? Even the question
about grief was about that. Even the question about family
(26:43):
traditions was about that. So what I hear in this
question is like, how do I stay being me inside
of a family that may not be comfortable with all
aspects of me? And the thing I want to say
to this person is, well, this is something I've often said. Look,
families push your buttons because they installed them, all right, So,
like it is a very familiar feeling inside of a
(27:06):
family system to fall into patterns right of childhood, patterns
of the way your family sees you or wants to
see you. This is a great moment to exercise your
belief in knowing who you are and tapping out of
needing to be approved, whether it's your tattoos or your
political beliefs from your family. I always talk about like,
(27:26):
let's not go to the hardware store for milk, like
if it's not going to be there, If the connection
and the respect you can come in with your own
set of boundaries. I mean, I think this is a
great opportunity to sit down with somebody and say, hey,
I you know respect that we have different points of
view on this. Let's say about my tattoos, But my
tattoos are a part of me, It's who I am.
(27:47):
They're on me. There's something I can do about it.
I'm not gonna necessarily cover it up. You know, how
can we negotiate this? I understand confronting can be hard,
but I think the act of boundary in yourself, standing
up for yourself, just doing what matters to you when
you step into a family system is really really important
so that you don't get sucked into all of those
dominant stories that you need to hide. All right, this
(28:10):
is interesting. We've got a couple more left. So this
one says during the holidays, I struggle with feeling like
I can't give enough because I can't afford it. I
feel terrible because I want to be able to give
more than I can. How do I keep this kind
of pressure out of my gift giving? This is so
interesting because one of the most one of my friends
that makes me feel the most loved and appreciative valued
(28:32):
is she has nothing. She lives in a van on
a hill in Spain, and she has been my friends
for so many years, and she gave up all kind
of material things to move to a place and live
a supernatural She calls it her hippie life, but she
(28:52):
the way we communicates the gifts she gives me, she
writes me poetry, she checks in in such a deeper
way that I feel so valued by her, and we
have this appreciation of our friendship that she feels like
a gift. She doesn't need to send me anything ever.
That's beautiful. And I think that one of the great
(29:13):
things you can do is giving your time, you know,
planning things that are completely free, going out for a hike,
spending time in nature. If you had an intentional moment
with like that with someone, or planned a day with
someone and they just came to your house and he
made them breakfast and then say we're going to go
on this walk. I'm going to take you to one
of my favorite spots with the best view of the city.
(29:35):
Something like that. That is a beautiful gift, something I
value more than any material gift, and I'm sure that
your people would too. I don't have much to add
to that. I would say that there's a lot of
pressure to feel like you're able to demonstrate love through
material goods, and you know, no matter what season you're
(29:55):
out in your life and your relationship to money or finances,
I think just to remember your worth is not also
tied to the value of what you're able to provide,
but by the virtue of your relationship and the way
that you express yourself. Like put a premium on that.
It's that time again. I'll be back before you know it.
(30:30):
Oh my gosh, I hope you're enjoying this as much
as I am. All right, let's dig back in. It's
interesting the last two questions that we have are going
to be right up your alley because there are a
lot of body image related which is kind of where
we started in our conversation, because this is the thing
(30:50):
that comes up a lot for folks. So I'm not
surprised by these questions, but I think they're really interesting.
So let me One question says when I was thirteen
years old, I was at my family Christmas and we
were all sitting around the dinner table with the entire
family when my aunt turned to my father and loudly asked,
isn't it about time you got her a bra? Pointing
to me. Oh, I was mortified. Has anything like this
(31:15):
happened to you in your family? This moment has not
only left me with a huge insecurity about my body,
but for my breast in particular. Please help, isn't it
wonderful what people just decided to do a scars you
for life. I feel like there probably is a bunch
of moments like that. I think definitely the chubby puppy
(31:39):
fat comments feel relatable to this moment in the sense
that it was definitely just like if I, like everyone was,
you know, laughing about it, I was the butt of
the joke. Yeah, I hope it's just going to fall off.
That's what they kept saying. Oh, We'll just fall off,
and you know, laughing it off, and you know, eat
some more roast potatoes because I love roast potatoes. Who
doesn't love potato? But this is going to take some unpacking.
(32:02):
One of the tools that I love is not only
journaling gratitude list, but mirror work. Getting in front of
that mirror and just trying to essentially play that narrative
in your head, play that moment back. And I've done
quite a bit of therapy for a different type of moment,
but I work with a hypnotherapist and a therapist a
(32:24):
bunch of times to go back and think about the
moment where it happened. It was a wonderful gift my
therapist gave to me to handle a traumatic event and
maybe it can help you too, But there's also other
tools me and just do right writing a letter to
this person, Yep, I think writing a letter could be great.
I also want to say to this listener like, that
was a really traumatic experience for a developing body to
(32:48):
have all eyes on you, and it has a lot
of shame packed into it from your aunt. And maybe
what I would say is, outside of whatever modality you
might be in right now, if you're in therapy or
if you've not gotten any help for this, there are
lots of books that can help you unpack that traumatic
moment of a body shame and know that you don't
have to carry that shame anymore. Right. I mean one
(33:10):
of the things I would do that's, you know a
little bit more in the vein of writing that letter
is I like rewriting these dominant stories. So maybe you
could go back to that time and do an exercise
in which you first write down everything you remember feeling
as a thirteen year old shamed, embarrassed, angry, afraid, and
then rewrite the scenario in which, now, with the intelligence
(33:33):
or wisdom that you might have, is maybe somebody who's
obviously I don't think it's thirteen anymore. How would you
go back and handle that? What do you wish you
could have said? Or how could you have handled And
even though I know we can't go back in time,
what happens with our obsessive thoughts around the trauma is
that it does dissipate the intensity of that memory, and
it gives you a chance to rewrite that dominant story.
(33:54):
And so any of these ideas or maybe something I
hope you, sweet listener, walk away if and and think
about and know that you don't have to be stuck
in that moment anymore, right, m If this happened to anyone,
it would really really impact them. So I'm so sorry
it happened to you. But I know that you deserve
to feel better about yourself, and you can and you will,
(34:16):
So we believe in you, alright. Last question, this is
something we actually talked about in the interview. This listener says,
I've gained weight during the pandemic, enough weight that it's noticeable.
My mom is a pretty image obsessed person, and so
is my sister. So I know that when I see
them for the first time in over a year, they're
(34:37):
going to make a comment. I already think I'm fat
and disgusting. Those words roll through my head constantly. How
do I brace for this interaction? I already want to
scream and cry. Oh my goodness, feel scrat How do
people handle body comments during the holidays? What would you
do in her position? I mean, I think the you're
(35:00):
that you're aware of what's going to happen, and you
know that it's not okay because it's not. What you
have to think about is that it's a shame that
they're stuck in that mindset. Is there an opportunity for
you to sit down with them and share and discuss
and help them see from your point of view, discussed
that we are a fat phobic society, and that you
(35:21):
know your value and worth isn't based in your size.
You're in a very self aware of position where you
are struggling with the weight fluctuation, which again is very natural.
I'm definitely here with you. I've I don't know how
much weight I've put on during the pandemic. I know
that it doesn't impact other relationships in my life because
(35:43):
I've had to educate them and share that with them
and help them understand it's okay. To gain weight, and
so I think that you have a chance. And this
is what I would see it as as an opportunity
to have a constructive conversation that's going to help them
see the is differently, that's potentially going to change their
mindset on how they view themselves, on how they view
(36:06):
weight gain, all of these things, because maybe they've never
had a moment to actually sit down and challenge their
own flat phobia or how they feel. I would almost
guarantee that it's going to bring you closer together, and
it's quite surface level, right, and not have them think
about how that might make you feel. So I would
(36:27):
assume that there it will be a surface level like, oh, Amanda,
you've put in some weight. Oh that's a shame. That's
very surface. But if you then bring them into the
conversation to say I've gained weight, I know it's okay.
Shall we discuss this because I feel like you have
a view of how I might feel about this and
I want to work through it with you. That's how
(36:49):
I would approach it. I love everything that you said.
In an ideal scenario, if you've got a relationship that
can bear that kind of honest recalibration. I think it's great.
I might add some other ways that you can handle
that if you don't feel safe to go there with family,
or you're just not there in a courageous place yet
(37:10):
to say. Hey, so a couple of things I say
to people, and I've actually done this myself. I mean, look,
you can do everything from mom, I love you, and
my body is none of your business. So people are
who are looking for like a quick thing to say, sis,
I adore you, and my body's off limits for this holiday. Okay,
if you don't want to get into the bigger convo,
that's one thing. The other thing is I too agree,
(37:32):
is Chris. Sometimes it's also good to say, how like
that hurt? I didn't invite that conversation. I don't feel
comfortable having this conversation. I mean that requires a level
of vulnerability. The other thing is you can also add
a little humor into this to say, you know what,
we're all just living and surviving through a pandemic, Like,
let's just cut some slack for all of us this year.
(37:53):
So I generalized the response, so it doesn't feel very directive,
and it kind of reminds people like, oh yeah, maybe
I should just like chill it on the fat talk
because we are in the middle of surviving some pretty
uncanny things right now. So I think, whatever your personality is,
whatever your level of confrontation is, you are worthy and
valuable enough to say something. You don't have to just
accept it. You don't have to just fear it. You
(38:15):
get a chance to also say how it impacts you,
how you'd prefer to be treated, and you know why
this is important to you. And that's one of the
best ways we can change and challenge and rewrite our
dominant stories. For sure, we want you to know you
are empowered in this scenario. This is your body at
the end of the day. Bingo. I guess my in
my ideal world, right, we all have these conversations and
(38:39):
we have all these teachable moments and we get to
change the whole society because no one's going to be
fat fo anymore. It's going to be wonderful. But that
is we're exhausted too, But we just want to let
you know that this is your day, this is your body,
and this is your choice however you decide to handle
this beautifully said, I knew you were the right voice
to bring into this secial edition episode Instagram. I love
(39:03):
and adore you. I'm proud of your new endeavors. I'm
excited to see them out in the world, and I'm
so so grateful that you joined in to answer these
listener questions. How lucky are we today? So happy holidays
to all of our listeners right now. Absolutely, you are heard,
you are seeing, you are loved. We're all worth it,
We're all worth taking this time to. I mean, it's
(39:24):
Jess Weena and what a legend. Um. I love learning
from you. Thank you so much for your voice and
light in this world. I absolutely adore you and I'm
always sending you love. And all the people that we're
connecting with right now who are listening to this, you
are loved and happy holidays. See you in two. Well,
(39:49):
first of all, I owe you, my sweet listeners a
debt of gratitude for these incredible questions. They were rich
and complicated, and I expected nothing less from y'all. So
the things that are coming up for me that we're
a theme were the notion that you are worth having
difficult conversations. I mean, I know nobody likes to have
(40:11):
difficult conversations, but if that were to happen during this
holiday time. Whether that means you have to stick up
for yourself or tell somebody how you feel, or establish
a boundary, we both want you to know that you're
worth it. You're worthy and valuable enough to say something
about how you prefer to be treated and how others
are impacting you. Speaking of boundaries, number two is one
(40:33):
of the things that I think can help in establishing
a boundary, especially around families, because remember I said, you
know families know how to push your buttons because often
they've installed them. It just means that we know we're
more likely to get triggered around the roles that we
play in our family or with our loved ones. So
it's easy to fall back into old patterns, and if
you're trying to break those patterns and set some new boundaries,
(40:54):
one of the best things to do is to really
focus on your values. What's important to you during this time?
What do I want to get out of today? Stay
focused on the gratitude of the moment. It won't control
what people might say or do, but it will control
how you feel about your time and your space and
your energy, and it will likely give you more power
(41:15):
to have those courageous conversations if you need to. Setting
boundaries really important, especially during this time of year. And then, lastly,
I was expecting these kinds of questions. Body image, negative
self talk of focus on food and fat and weight
often comes up during the holidays. I loved Eskri's advice
about you are empowered because this is your body, so
(41:37):
tend to it, care for it, speak up for yourself,
I would add in there. I know it sounds tripe,
but it is really important. Be extra kind to yourself.
The talk about weight loss and weight gain and food
and all this stuff can just be so in the
atmosphere during this time of year. So remember that your
body truly is nobody else's business. If you have to
(41:57):
go to the bathroom and put your feet on the ground,
take five deep breaths, do some self talk in the mirror,
remember an affirmation like go take a short walk around
the block. Whatever you need to do to regulate yourself.
Be grateful for your body, be kind to it, and
be kind to yourself. Your body is doing so many
good things for you. Staying focused on that during this
(42:17):
time of year is so so important. If you're interested
in learning more about dominant stories and how you can
change them and challenge them. I teach workshops and courses
(42:40):
on that, and you can sign up at Jess Weiner
dot com or you can follow me on Instagram that
I'm Jess Weiner And as always, I'm so delighted to
hear from you. I'd love to hear about your dominant
stories and how you're challenging, changing, and rewriting them. So
give me an update. You can email me at podcast
at dominant stories dot com or leave a voicemail at
two on three nine Rio three three. And don't worry
(43:01):
if he didn't catch all that in folks, I'll make
sure to include him of the show notes. Next week,
we're going to explore the question can I love my
body and still want to lose weight. I'm gonna be
talking with Amani al Katabi and author, activist and founder
of muslim Girl dot com about the nuances of loving
(43:23):
your body while still wanting to change it. Ammy is
going to share about her personal relationship to her body image,
her identity as a Muslim woman, and her journey in
losing over one pounds. Thank you so much for tuning in,
and please don't forget to write a review. Wherever you're
hearing my voice right now, it's super duper helps us out,
(43:44):
and remember we are always learning and we're always growing.
Dominant Stories with Jess Weiner is a production of Shondaland
(44:04):
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