SPICY MARI - From Crumbs to Chemistry

Join host Coline Witt on this insightful episode of Eating While Broke as she welcomes relationship expert and founder of The Spicy Life, Spicy Mari.

Dive deep into modern love, dating, and relationship success as Mari shares her signature matchmaking process, including her transformative 90-day program focused on self-awareness, emotional intimacy, and effective communication.

Discover Mari’s inspiring journey from growing up in a single-parent household to becoming a sought-after relationship coach and media personality. Learn about the S-P-I-C-Y framework for building healthy, lasting relationships, and hear real-life stories and expert advice on navigating love, commitment, and self-growth.

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or seeking to improve your communication and connection, this episode is packed with actionable tips, personal stories, and powerful relationship strategies. Plus, watch Coline and Mari create a delicious “Spicy Toast” recipe while discussing everything from modern dating challenges to the secrets of a thriving marriage.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:13):
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Eating While Broke.
I'm your host, Holy Wit, and today we have very
special guests, relationship expert and magn Magnetic Matchmaker Matchmaker Spicy
Moday exactly. She just did my whole intro for me.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
I'm helping you out.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
Down here so much, Spicy Life. Yes, and you also
have a podcast called The Life Life Yes. Yes. And
when you say Matchmaker, you're just out here. Just someone
calls you and you.

Speaker 2 (00:41):
It's a process, it's a program, so like I take
you for ninety days and transform your life. So I
have an entire curriculum program that we're doing. There's just
video and audio, but like actual assessments that we're taking
so that I can help you become the best version
of yourself to be aligned with your purpose.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
Mate, got it? Okay, So it's not like I have
a pool of men.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
I do. But you aren't being introduced until after you
do the work. Because if you if I just take
you cold off of the street based on everything that
you've been exposed to, when you've been experiencing and you
think that you're just gonna snap into recognizing and realizing
that this person is the one it doesn't work like that.
I got to find out where the wounds are, where
the strengths and weaknesses are. I do a whole little

(01:24):
swat analysis, and then we get to work so that
that way, when he is presented in front of you,
you now can recognize him and accept him, and you
then are aligned. But if I just try to go
cold turkey, you will not have a match because you're
already on a certain vibration. So I need to disrupt
that wavelength.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Jeez.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yes, okay, And I'll teach you how to fish so
that you can feed yourself, because Heaven forbid something happens
to me. Now, then you have the tools to be
able to guide the male psyche.

Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh, we're doing all that.

Speaker 2 (01:53):
We're doing all that psycho behavioral. If you do it
for me, I do it for men as well. And
do you have a lot of men that come to you?
I do. And the other element that you often see
is me working with couples, except that we are trying
to heal and repair the relationship. But I'll also be
very honest when they should not be together and they
belong with somebody else.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Wow, you say that, Now, what if a like a
significant other hires you and says hey, I want you
to save my marriage, and you get them in a
room and.

Speaker 2 (02:23):
They're like, You're like, oh yeah, this hate Now I
see why you guys are having problems. It's my goals
for you guys to say together. My goal is always
for relationship. I'm always on team love. So I don't
care who's wrong or right. If it's not aligned with
the purpose and the mission, which is to restore the
family unit, then I can't get with it. Everything has
to go back to the goal, which is to restore
the relationship and have a healthy relationship. If we're not,

(02:45):
if we're making choices that aren't healthy, we got to
get we got to get to work.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
Okay, So before we get into the love world, take
me back to what was going on. I'm guessing before, yes, okay,
for the company before, before the spicy life. What are
you gonna have me eating today? We're going to be
eating my spicy toast? Spicy toast? Yes, okay, this is
simple ingredients.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
We've got butter, cinnamon, that's where the spice comes in.
With the sugar okay, okay, the and hard boiled eggs.
Gotta have a little protein. In there to balance it crops.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, so this was a real deal. Holy day.

Speaker 2 (03:21):
This is what I made to feed my family.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
So feed your family.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
And when I say by that is anyone who's the
oldest child. Okay, you guys should understand this. As the
oldest we then take on some of the prayerent to
roll responsibility, right, even though we're extremely young. And I
grew up in a single parent home, and come Mother's Day,
I still keep my siblings up, like are we celebrating
me or what you're practically raised?

Speaker 1 (03:42):
That's hilarious. Is your mom still around?

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Dish?

Speaker 1 (03:44):
My mom is okay, okay, and you still say, hey,
give me my giving.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
My mom's a disagreement. My mom's you didn't do anything,
And I'm like.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 (03:53):
I raised your children.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, yeah, that's what I would imagine.

Speaker 2 (03:58):
Yeah, but that's my spicy and I love her.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
But I did.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
I took my kids to call my kids. I took
my siblings to school, I said them. And so at
the time, of course, I'm like eight years old when
my sister was born, and I don't necessarily know how
to use like all of the dishes and all the
pots and pans and stuff, so I kept it simple.
I was good at toast, and my cinnamon toast crunch
is now my spicy toast, which my son now gets
to enjoy. Okay, okay, okay, good, But my siblings tease

(04:28):
me all the time, but like, you didn't cook for us,
the toast doesn't count. I'm like, yes it does. You
did you die?

Speaker 1 (04:33):
You live? How many siblings did you have?

Speaker 2 (04:35):
I'm the oldest of three oldest yeah, two siblings, a
brother and a sister, and I'm the oldest, and the
age gap is eight years eight and eleven, eight and eleven, yeah,
And like back then, it was not abnormal for your
eight year old up until to watch the kids and
be left by yourself. And so I was a latchkey kid,
and so I had to figure out. My mom liked
to prepare leftovers, and so we ate like a lot
of those, and I would warm those up. But my

(04:57):
go to dish was always like the spicies with some
hard boiled eggs because I could boil eggs.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
And were you like the in house babysitter a lot?

Speaker 2 (05:04):
Yes, all the time, all the time.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Did you ever snap back at her like and your
t ain't my kids.

Speaker 2 (05:09):
No, huh, so my mother would have thrown me against
the wall. Yeah, but yes, there were conversations had that.
It was just dang, I don't want to, like why
do I have to? And it was very much like this
is your responsibility and she's the baby of six. So
sometimes there would be that like energy clash. So you
were the baby of six, I'm those of three. You
don't understand it, you don't get it.

Speaker 1 (05:29):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (05:29):
But we have these conversations like now in our maturity
and our evolution of us in our relationship, and there's
been like a lot of healing and repair around my
childhood perceptions and where she could have showed up differently
or I could have showed up differently. But at the
end of the day, all of the stereotypes about the
eldest child remain true for me. Okay for sure, all.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
Right, go ahead, feed me oldest child. You want me
to hear, friend, go for it. We pre boiled spicy bodies.
I'm trying to infhaty size of your name because I've
been working on the spicy moddies. We pre boiled your
hard boiled eggs. I'm guessing we could just peel it right,
we could just peel it. I'll just I'll work on mine,
even though I think, is it.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
So how hard we had? Yes, we gotta have a song, poker.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
Salt and pepper. I've had a hard boiled egg and
so long. The last thing we had a hard boiled
egg on this show was very traumatizing. Why because the
young lady chose a pickled egg. And let me tell
you something. It like, to this day, I don't look
at eggs the same because of that pickled egg. It's

(06:33):
trying to traumatize me. So let's see if the trauma
still lingers.

Speaker 2 (06:35):
Okay, because I love it when I tell you that
I eat probably for eggs a day, really a lot
of protein.

Speaker 1 (06:42):
Yeah, okay, you look stunny. It looks stunning.

Speaker 2 (06:46):
I appreciate.

Speaker 1 (06:46):
So is your mom still single mom?

Speaker 2 (06:50):
So that's that's the origin story, right, single parent home.
Grew up with a deep desire for a father. Early on,
my father went to is't and I didn't know like
drug dealer goes to prison. But all I knew was like, hey,
I deserve a daddy. What's going on mom? With your
love life? So I started to intentionally introduce her to

(07:11):
men because I would see my mother's like reaction to
guys being in her life. She was very young, she
was hot. My mom had me when she was twenty,
so there was this energy of wanting to still be
married and I felt that from her, and I wanted
a daddy. I noticed how poor you were. I noticed
the other kids had two parents, and I really felt
like I deserve that. So I would go up to

(07:32):
men in the gas station at the car wash at
my school pitching my mom and me as like a
great package, like how a cute?

Speaker 1 (07:40):
I am you fabulous? But I'm pretty sure looking at you,
your mom had to she had to beat them off
a little bit.

Speaker 2 (07:47):
My mom was a soul trained dancer, okay, so she
gave up her career for me. But like she my
mom was a hottie okay, and so definitely would be
trying to sell the package. Because also to when my
mom was in a reallyationship, we had more, we had
more resources, toys, more food, So she did get in
other relationships. My mom was married three times.

Speaker 1 (08:08):
Okay, Okay, I like to say that I.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
Get the credit for that, but my mom saw it
to all the husbands because when you are I consider
people with big hearts. Right, we're still products. And so
I understood at a very young age that like, we
got to seal this deal. Yeah, And I was accustomed
to the men understanding how close we were. And also

(08:30):
when they would court my mom, they would also court me.
And what I mean and not in a negative way,
but I mean, is a very positive way in the
sense of if they brought her flowers, they brought me flowers.
If they got her a gift, they would come with
something for me. And so it was very much, Oh,
I like how this feels. I understand why my mom
is into this. And I kept doing it over and over,
like I kept introducing her to people over and over

(08:53):
because I just saw how happy she was relationship and
that did something for me the credit of dang, I
helped you with that relationship. And I was young. When
I tell you I was young.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
Give me an idea of how young you are. I
was pitching her at six, Oh, you're really young.

Speaker 2 (09:07):
And my mom has been married three times, she was
divorced when before sixth grade she got a divorce, and
that last divorce, I was like, we need to make
this work somehow. But since then, my mother, of course
has had like other boyfriends. But my whole purpose arose
from plugging her in relationships and seeing how it changes

(09:27):
you and seeing the negative and the positive from it.
And she saw that I also had a gift and
like this propensity to try to connect, and I kept
doing it throughout high school. I would plug my friends. College,
I don't know, you need to study this. Oh, so
you see Berkeley from there, and I too always had
a boyfriend. Like I loved relationships, but that's not enough.
You can't just be obsessed with relationships. Actually need to

(09:49):
understand and have strategy and the tools in order for
it to be healthy.

Speaker 1 (09:54):
Yeah, I saw in your bile there's a it was
like a certification or I didn't even know there was
like a school for relationships, but in your bio it
said something like.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
That in communication studied not just women's studies. I went
to Spelman as well and studied women's studies. That's shout
out to Akamupie. And then in my undergrad I did
communication and that was where I realized the breakdown between
men and women. Okay, And then in my I went
on to get my masters in communication as well, and
that dealt more with like me understanding not just how
male and men and women communicate, but also how technology

(10:25):
plays a role in our lack of intimacy or can
expand and help it. And so everything that I did
in my master's was actually to build the spicy life.
When I saw the problems that we were having in relationships,
a spicy life grew into more of a not just
let me match make it grew into no, you guys
need coaching. So I took psychology, sociology and then went

(10:46):
on to get certified as a dating coach. Yeah, I
saw that, and then marital counseling from Gotman Institute.

Speaker 1 (10:52):
Wow. Yeah, so there's a certification for that.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
You. Yes, there are certifications for any area that you
want to become more of an expert. And I'm a
huge proponent of It's one thing to have lived experience,
another thing to have education. With those two combined, you're
more powerful versus I just read a book. No, okay,
But I also applied the tools and then manifested that
as well.

Speaker 1 (11:11):
But you knew from a very young age, from this
age of toast and eggs, that this is your colic.

Speaker 2 (11:18):
Knew in the sense of I knew that I was
good at it. I didn't know that it was my gift.
Mom brought that to my attention one time in high school.
I came home and, like I said, we didn't have
much poor. She doesn't like me to say poor. I
think she prefers me to say or not use poverty.
What is it poor versus broke? My mom prefers broke. Yes, Okay,
my mom says we were broke, we weren't poor.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
Yeah, that's my mom too, Patato, there's a difference. I
just want to clarify the difference because I like the
way my mom says it. Broke is temporary. Poor is
more long term. So if you say, okay, I'm broke
right now. Okay, I'm broke right now, But if you
say I'm poor, it's like your destitute, almost like past
future current you're poor. Yeah, to for broke is more

(11:59):
like the way my mom positions broke is always like
a temporary So that's that was her whole thing. Okay,
we're broke right now, but if you say you're poor,
just seems to have a little bit more of a longer.

Speaker 2 (12:10):
My mom is on your team. Okay, poor versus broke.
She was broke, but I'm like, we only were not
broke when or poor, which when she was married. The
moment that, like the relationship was over, it was back
to the streets. We were living with my aunty. We
moved in and this was in seventh grade. We moved
in with my aunty and me and my siblings, and
I had to take care of them, and my mom

(12:32):
was living in San Diego. We're living in San Clementy
on the marine base because my aunt was married and
in the trailer. We lived in a trailer with her
and my siblings, and so I was with them every
single day, making sure they got up for school, that
they were going down because my aunt had her six
kids to take care of.

Speaker 1 (12:48):
So the there's a lot to unpack cares. Yeah, your
how did these breakups impact you? Because I gain the
love and the highs, But how did the lows not
have a negative impact on you?

Speaker 2 (13:00):
They absolutely did, tons of daddy issues.

Speaker 1 (13:04):
Yeah all right, so here's to the healthier version. I
love me.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
I love the yolk, that's your favorite part. I love
it all. So like I could do egg whites, I
can also do the yolk. I'm like, I'm just an
egg person, really good.

Speaker 1 (13:17):
Perfect, is just your third egg today? Yes, it's mine too.

Speaker 2 (13:22):
You already.

Speaker 1 (13:23):
Oh wow, we're on the same look the same two
eggs and three pieces of bacon.

Speaker 2 (13:28):
And I probably wind up having another egg later with
my salad or whatever.

Speaker 1 (13:32):
I'm gonna try to do.

Speaker 2 (13:34):
When I tell you, one time I was trying to
lose weight, I did a meat, cheese an egg diet.
You only can eat meat, you can only eat geese
and eggs for three months, right, I lost so many bounds.
At the end, you start to incorporate vegetables, and which
is crazy to not eat vegetables and fruit in the beginning,
even but they want to drop your blood sugar and
so I lost a lot of weight. But it's not

(13:55):
sustainable for the rest of your life. Is not sustainable.
But I lost a lot of weight. I lost a
lot of weight.

Speaker 1 (14:02):
If I'm ever going on vacation, I'm gonna try that
all right. For the cinnamon toast, We're only doing one bite.
You only took a little cute, little bite out of
your egg.

Speaker 2 (14:11):
You want to eat more my egg?

Speaker 1 (14:12):
No, I'm gonna I tell people. When people are like,
how much do you, I'm like, like a real person.

Speaker 2 (14:19):
Your clips was like, oh, it's the food.

Speaker 1 (14:21):
Oh there's sometimes where we have to call cut and like, yo,
we're gonna finish this. Yeah, all right, We're going in
for the cinnamon toast. Butter cinnamon toast.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
Right here, I'm gonna take a bite with you.

Speaker 1 (14:33):
I feel like when you was a kid, you laced
this way better than this I did.

Speaker 2 (14:37):
But now that I know the calories are butter.

Speaker 1 (14:39):
Okay, yeah, because I know if I.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
Wasn't, I wasn't help conscious till seventh grade when I
got my brass off. Okay, rereason being is because I'm
gonna give you all the whole backstory.

Speaker 1 (14:52):
You better.

Speaker 2 (14:54):
The one common thing between my mom and her husband's
and my mom give infermission to share the intimate details
of our lives, is that they all were addicts.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
My said that at the time when he would drink,
I would go to the liquor store with him and
we would pick up his six packs, and he would
always give me candy bars, and I got in the
habit of expecting a candy bar every day because he
was getting a six pack every day, So it gain's
a lot of weight. I was a jimpy kid. Okay,
when I got my braces off though, because I wasn't
allowed to eat nuts and Carmen who have bracelets. The

(15:27):
weight came off when I stopped eating all that candy.

Speaker 1 (15:30):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
And so when I took the braces off, I lost
the weight and then the boobies came out. I was like, Oh,
not only does this look better, but y'all treat me
different when I'm twenty pounds smaller than when. That was
like the first time that I noticed. Okay, when I
cut sugars and this was young, I'm like, I'm a
kid at this point, but I was like, dang, the

(15:50):
way that the boys weren't on me. I was like, Ooh,
I like this attention. I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep
doing this no wonder my mom is addicted to it.
So that was ben opening, I opening moment.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
For me until this day.

Speaker 2 (16:00):
I do a different diet every other month.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
And you definitely stay away from the sugars.

Speaker 2 (16:05):
Me, okay, to lose the weight, I stay away from
the sugars. But the reason why I have to go
back on the diet is is I still have a
bad relationship with food.

Speaker 1 (16:14):
Oh, you do have a bad.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
I have one more than likely. Body image just morephia
a paper that I wrote in college, I diagnose myself
like based on my studies, I have body image just
more for. But my relationship with food still is the
same in this sense of when I look in the mirror,
I still see a big girl that when as a
kid in my elementary days, and then when I gain weight,
it reminds me of, oh, I'm not necessarily I don't

(16:38):
feel my clothes appropriately, I don't feel as confident as usual,
and so me understanding the power that it has over me.
It's a process in the sense of I understand that
we need to love ourselves through it. I don't believe
that when I'm overweight I look my best, So you
can't change the belief. Yeah, So instead, okay, let me
program myself to do the healthy thing. I go to

(16:59):
the health the habit if I can't change the belief
that I have about when I'm big.

Speaker 1 (17:03):
Now that understand that's yeah, But that's great. That sounds healthy.
It's a healthy way to handle it, a healthy, responsible versus.

Speaker 2 (17:10):
I'm just going to accept as I am and continue
to eat whatever I want. If and so there can
there's different ways that it can go the way that
it transfer overs into relationship as well, because I tell
my clients the same thing when it comes to the
belief system is if you believe that, let's just say
all men are trash, or don't love women, or they're
all dogs, then you will behave in a way that

(17:32):
serves that belief.

Speaker 1 (17:33):
You're not going to be kind to them.

Speaker 2 (17:35):
You're going to treat them with the same level of
respect that you think they treat you. You're going to
be stands offish, and you're not going to be a
magnet for the thing that you're trying to attract insteader
of going to be a magnet for the thing that
you hate, the thing that you say that you want
to avoid. Okay, I can't make I can't transform that
belief until we unpack why we believe that. We have
to get to the root of that perspective, like what

(17:57):
form that belief, what's at the root of it, and
then I have to give you a behavior that proves
that belief wrong. Okay, So what that would look like
is if let's just say you think the men are trash. Okay,
let's put ourselves in an environment and experience a kind man,
the kind man will help you shift the belief because
now you will have an experience that makes a deposit

(18:17):
into the positive belief bank, or.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
How do you give him that experience?

Speaker 2 (18:21):
So we're redoing your dating profiles. I'm taking you out.
We're hunting right, I'm going with you as you know,
your wing woman, and I'm helping you actually, like figure
out how to communicate with them effectively. We are going
to events, We're going like you name it, We're doing it.
I'm going through not just my rolodex, but we're reaching out.
We're asking friends, we are tapping into our network the

(18:42):
same way you would with I need a job, Does
anybody have one? We're doing the same thing when it
comes to a man, Wow, I have to make those
positive deposits in there, and that's or I'm not gonna
be able to change the belief. So for my chest
and my carbs and all that, it's the same thing. Okay,
what's the positive deposits that I can make to make
me feel better about the thing that I'm trying to manifest.

(19:03):
I like it. That makes sense.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
I like it. I like it makes a lot of sense,
makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2 (19:08):
The family has been a huge part of my now
my graziness.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
Going back, let's talk about these breakups and how that
acted you and what that did. Yep.

Speaker 2 (19:19):
I saw growing up unhealthy relationships, multuous relationships where my
mother was treated well in the beginning and then mistreated
when the manhatter or their true nature came out. So
that impacted me in a way that you would think
that I would have a disdain for men.

Speaker 1 (19:37):
Yeah, it did not.

Speaker 2 (19:39):
Instead, I was like, that's not going to be me
until my naivity. I got in a relationship in seventh
grade with gentleman Roy, wind up seeing him kiss someone else,
and that is what became what that is the moment
when I decided I was going to be a gangster
moving forward with me? Okay, So then there was this

(20:03):
shift that occurred. It wasn't my daddy's that made the shift.
It was actually it was Roy. I've talked him in years,
but Roy was the first person to ever cheat on
me and betray me. And in that moment, I was like, oh,
I will never be hurt like this again. So it
took me into my wounded feminine. The wounded feminine felt
weak and I didn't like the way that felt. So
in order to empower myself, I leaned into my wounded masculine.

Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yeah, and I want to yeah, because that's what is
the gangster you. I want to know what that the
gangs to me is.

Speaker 2 (20:31):
You don't love these os, so I would. I was
dating and this is high school, right like I was
still this is in high school.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
Was high school.

Speaker 2 (20:38):
I was still a virgin. In high school, I did
it was with my virginity until twenty one. I played
with a lot of men's hearts. I was a tease.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
I was a flirt.

Speaker 2 (20:44):
One of my best friends also, let me know, you
can't invest in these men like you need to do
you the men will be there. And because I was
a straight A student, I was like, oh, okay, I
could get these good grades. I can have you take
me out. But then there's this moment where one of
the dudes who I was player, he had bombed a
diamond necklace and I brought it home to my mom
and I'm like, look at this necklace he got me

(21:04):
and it was like zails, but like still I'm in
high school. My mom was like, how did you get
because she knows I'm a virgion. My mom knows everything
about me. So she was like, how did you get
this dude to get you this diamond necklace. I was like,
I just told him that he wanted some jewelry and
he got me this. And she was like, Okay, I'm
not even gonna ask where it came from and how
he got it, because y'all are in high school, she said,
But I do know that you have a gift. She said,

(21:26):
you have the ability to connect with people and also
guide them, and that means that I need to guide
this energy appropriately. She was like, you can use your
gift for good or you can use it for evil.
She was like, and if I would have stayed with
your father, you would have probably been the best madam
in the world. But I didn't stay with him for
a specific reason. So I need you to make sure
that you were using your gifts for good.

Speaker 1 (21:47):
Okay, you understand you had a swagger type pit mentality, right.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
I was like, what can we get because I also
remember I'm also seeing like when I was little with her,
we would get gifts into this, so I'm just playing
not what I saw my mom receiving and experiencing. But
it wasn't necessarily a healthy mind yet. She was like,
I need you to educate yourself, empower yourself so that
you're not dependent on these men, because she saw my
self esteem was also affected by it, and so I
wasn't aware enough in high school to understand we weren't

(22:14):
talking about mental health and esteem at that point. She
just recognized certain traits that also flowed from her to me,
and she was like, you're gonna be either a dog
or a lover of men, or you're gonna abuse these powers.
And my mom was a hopeless romantic and she didn't
want me to feel like men had all of the control.
So she was like, go to college, be the first

(22:35):
to go to college, blah blah blah. And I did,
and college had a relationship. Wasn't the most honest with
this person in college? You?

Speaker 1 (22:46):
Yeah, you weren't.

Speaker 2 (22:47):
Like the dog was still okay, I was still her.
Ray sent me on a trajectory and so that getting
caught right like accidentally at the time. Emailed my boyfriend
an email out somebody who's going to come visit me
at college for the weekend. And I was and I
saw I hit him up. I'm like, please don't open
that email. Please don't open.

Speaker 1 (23:06):
After you sent it, and it was supposed to be
to someone else.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
It was supposed to be in response to the dude
who was coming to visit me, and I accidentally sent
it to the boyfriend at the time. Yeah, I told you, mind,
you still hadn't slept with any of these men. I
don't how graphic can we get on here?

Speaker 1 (23:23):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (23:24):
Yeah, had done, had done the everything else right, all
the other elements of intimacy, but still not sex. I
still wind up losing it to this gentleman who you
sent this email?

Speaker 1 (23:34):
Who?

Speaker 2 (23:34):
No, I lost it to the boyfriend at the time
because I wanted to make sure that I lost it
to somebody who I loved, who treated me, and even
though I mistreated him, I felt I wasn't going to
be able to wait till marriage. I knew I wasn't
gonna be a wait's marriage, and so I still felt
like we needed to share this intimacy while we still
have the safety there.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
Yeah, so.

Speaker 2 (23:55):
That relationship also, plus my studies understand and think that
in my twenties, the trajectory that I was going down,
Although I'm out here like setting relationships, setting people up,
I needed to further my education and that's when I
went back to school later, but I was already doing
a radio show for kjlage giving spicy tips and then
later on What Up doing spicy tips and relationship advice

(24:17):
on my Heart for I TIE two point three, but
went back to get my masters so that I could
help people correctly with the tools, and then also was
building my company at the same time. I had to
do a transformation within because even through my twenties, I
was still allowing myself to think that in relationship or

(24:37):
in partnership, you have more, and you do have more
in the sense.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
Of, yeah, because you have a partnership, you have a Partnershipyah.
But if they're on the right team, if they're on.

Speaker 2 (24:46):
The right team, yes, But I didn't. I don't date
men who don't vote you, like who don't vote on you,
and like court you. That was a non negotiable for me,
So I wasn't ever gonna be without. But what I
didn't understand is that I was actually dating from a
scarcity mindset. I feel like it's a lot like you
need like several episodes for my love life? What you're
all going in a book? Oh?

Speaker 1 (25:07):
They are? Do you have to make up names for
the characters too.

Speaker 2 (25:11):
Anytime you talk about someone out of respect and out
for their privacy, I'm changing names and I'm changing even
even if I reference like examples around maybe something that
I'm pulling from Bee a client, I'm going to change
all the details so that it doesn't trace back to
that person, just to respect their privacy. And then I'll
also be sharing and be getting their permission. Yeah, anytime

(25:32):
you mention someone, you want to get.

Speaker 1 (25:33):
That anytime now. So to go back to your story,
you're in college, You've lost your virginity. You're understanding this
relationship cycle this whole time. You're in pursuit of eventually
become creating this spicy life. But maybe not the name
of it.

Speaker 2 (25:47):
Ye didn't know the name yet. Okay, that was birthed after,
Like I graduated in undergrad in I'm a girlfriend person,
so I stay in relationship from relationship for relationship. Definitely
had those seasons where I'm like, Okay, I need to
be single so that I can live myself and be alone.
Blah blah blah blah. I've tasted the single life and
I've tasted the spicy life and in relationship. What I

(26:10):
noticed about myself is that I thrive and go further. Okay,
when I'm in an unhealthy relationship, I fall to the wayside,
it takes over. And so identifying that early on and
identifying the power that sex had over my emotions and
how it would either make me super anxious or I
would be spiraling and I can't eat, I can't sleep,

(26:31):
I'm showing up but your house, Like I went through
that crazy season. So there was always this back and
forth between the gangster and me and then the thirst
in me because at the end of the day, what
my heart really wanted was my heart really wanted was
a man. Well, my heart really wanted was a father.

Speaker 1 (26:47):
Yeah. Now have you heard this subconsciously that people are
attracted to that familiar energy? Well, what am I saying?
You've studied this? Is this? I'm going to ask you,
is this a thing? Because I was telling my homeboy
definitely leaving his name out, but he's in a relationship
where he's continually being abandoned. And I was just like

(27:07):
I had learned from a toxic relationship. I went there
before the lady had said subconsciously, you're the feeling you
had in say a childhood or whatever. Yeah, you're reinvoking
it whether you liked it or not subconsciously. Is this true? Yeah,
shed more light on.

Speaker 2 (27:22):
That as so what it is that you tend to
date with Just even though you may say you don't
want that thing because it's familiar to you, you will
subconsciously attract that thing and choose that thing. And so
what that may look like for me, for example, was
because I wanted a father figure, I'm going to go
after men that either maybe I saw my mom date

(27:45):
men that may not have been even certain about me.
That would be like the oh, I'm not I don't
realize that this is something that is affecting me. So
that would look like if I'm anxious, right, it would
look like me getting with maybe an avoidant because my
mom was with avoidance men who were not emotionally available
to and but that was familiar because that's how my
dads were. And so we have to recognize, Okay, what's

(28:07):
my kryptonite? What are the things that are holding me
back from achieving what I want? And you have to
make a conscious decision for what you want.

Speaker 1 (28:14):
So like an anxious or avoidant attachment style, like you're
looking at the attachment stock.

Speaker 2 (28:18):
So yeah, So that plays a role in how you
behave and navigate in the relationship. For me, what I
wanted was a father figure and to be loved appropriately
by a man. But what I was attracting were men
who either embodied some of the characteristics of previous father
figures or understood that was a void that I was

(28:41):
hunting for, and so I was accepting maybe their voids
or their weaknesses or their wounds. So we were wound mates,
we were not purpose mates. A wound mate is someone.

Speaker 1 (28:51):
Who you are, you have you both share.

Speaker 2 (28:54):
Similar wound or hurt, okay, and so that person then
becomes attached to you through time, shared experiences, intimacy. But
that is not somebody who's gonna propel you into your purpose.
That is not that's like cluational somebody who's gonna hold
you back. And so when I would see I got
in a relationship with this one guy, and I wouldn't
I introduce my mom to let's say, all of my men,

(29:15):
wouldn't introduce this one because the relationship was so toxic.
He was an alcoholic, and my mom was like, this
is looking real familiar, and she busted me out. She
was like, you won't let me meet him. What is
wrong with him? There's something going on. You introduced me
to all your little chicky boom booms. What is wrong
with him? And I was like, MoMA, making a pros
and consist right now about him because I don't know

(29:35):
whether to stay or whether to go.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
Why?

Speaker 2 (29:37):
And she was like, stop making that pros and consics
about yourself about him. Make it about yourself. Oh, she's
make the pros and consts about yourself because something about
you is attracted to this guy that you're dating and
you need to see, like, why is it so familiar
to you? And he was the prototype of every man
that she had previously been with.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
I just think it's interesting that she's able to call
out these things for you. Correct, But she also played
a role contributing to these things. Correct. I don't know,
and I'm not judging. I just think it's interesting that
the whole dynamic with you and your mom is just
very unique in the sense that it's almost like she
wants you to be a She definitely wants you to
be a better version, of better version, but she's definitely

(30:17):
able to call it out and give really great advice. Yes,
And I don't even know what a pro and CON's
list of you would look like. What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 (30:26):
It's funny. I do it for my clients now right.
It's essentially a swat analysis on yourself. So a swat
in business is when you, let's say, take an organization
or even if you were to take your eat while
eating while broke. Okay, what are the strengths of the show,
what are the weaknesses, where's the opportunities for growth? And
what are the threats? And so what that would look
like for yourself is okay, where do I excel? Where's

(30:46):
what are my strengths? What am I superior at? What
do I do amazing? What are my weaknesses? Where's the
areas that I suck? That I'm awful, that I'm a
horrible person. I'm gonna give you one, y'all. I was
late to the show. Time management will be one of
my weaknesses.

Speaker 1 (31:00):
To be clear, though, there's that when you give a
lead way before. That's so late would be like overf.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
I communicate it.

Speaker 1 (31:07):
She was fifteen minutes, but she called and was calling
and texting and doing the whole nine, so she that's
a I was like, okay, if that's your weakness. That
ain't bad.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
Okay, it's bad in the sense of I know it
about myself and I'm still having a hard time changing.
I try to do too much in a certain amount
of time because your mom.

Speaker 1 (31:24):
That's what we do.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
I was like this before. I can't even I would
love to blame my son. Now he'd just be running
late with me. So that's how my neighbor is.

Speaker 1 (31:34):
Shout out to my neighbor'd she'd be like, hey, I'll
take both the kids to school. I'm like, not, because
you're gonna know this, You're gonna be late late.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
You gotta be late the So for this, why it's okay?
Straight's weaknesses and then opportunities. Where is spicy body's opportunities
for growth? Right? I know the weakness is maybe high management?
Where my opportunities for growth? Okay, maybe I'm gonna set
my alarm, schedule my appointments better. Maybe I'm not going
to take on more than I could chew and make
an over commit. The threat if I don't work on
this thing that is horrible about myself, what is going

(32:05):
to happen to me? What is going to happen if
I don't work on my time misopportunities, I could potentially
disrupt other people's livelihood. You have to really assess the threats,
and so in relationship, you have to do this for yourself.
Because I'm over here saying I want to be a wife,
but I haven't looked at within? Why aren't I yet?
What am I doing? What toxic traits do I have?

(32:26):
And I did add some toxic ones, I thought, just
because I was like studying relationship, I was also using
some of those gifts that my mom warned me about
to take advantage of. I believe men who really did
care about me.

Speaker 1 (32:40):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (32:41):
And because I was hurt, right, I was actually making
choices from a wounded place, and I thought, I'm empowered.
I'm not going to love these hoes. And it was
really like, you are afraid to let them in because
you grew up seeing your mother get hurt, You've abandoned met,
you're afraid of being poor again. And so all of
these things played a role in the choices that I
was making in men. And so when she gave me
that little wake up call, she called it like a

(33:02):
pros and cons list, but I.

Speaker 1 (33:03):
Call it a swat.

Speaker 2 (33:04):
Now you need to do it on yourself, because something
about you wants this, dude. And at that moment, that
was a wake up call to me because she said,
she was like, you're you think you're running circles around
me and you're trying to avoid being me. She was like,
but you are on a trajectory to become me, geez,
And I like, did it?

Speaker 1 (33:25):
Mom?

Speaker 2 (33:25):
And that was my wake up call. I was like,
you know what, I do want a wife. I do
want to be a wife, and I do want a family,
and I want a healthy one and I want a
two parent home. And so if I'm going to do that,
what are the things about me that I have to change?
How do I need to show up to prepare to
be a wife. How do I need to make shifts
in my life? How do I need to communicate? And

(33:46):
when I went back to school and I studied like
spic y so in order to be in a health relationship, Spicy.

Speaker 1 (33:54):
Sorry sbic So, I say, I see, but take me
a minute to sound it out in my head. That's
all I see.

Speaker 2 (34:04):
IM seeing you commute, I see you compute the things though,
I see your the willls in your head.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
Sturtay, Spicy, all right, spicy.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
Yes, But I went back to school. The entire birth
of the Spicy Life was me studying what makes a
healthy relationship. So I threw myself back into school and
was like, Okay, I'm going to focus on this, I'm
going to prioritize this, and I'm not going to still
love men. I'm still going to date. But in my
studies I discovered that the main ingredients that you need
for a healthy relationship are the self component to love

(34:33):
thyself but also know thyself. So it's a self awareness part.
The next part is passion. You've got to have a
passion for your purpose and a passion for life. You
have to be able to evoke passion in others. Intimacy
is the eye. How do you connect what wounds.

Speaker 1 (34:49):
Do we need to heal?

Speaker 2 (34:51):
Were you strong in your feminity and your masculinity? And
how do you show intimacy? How do you pull intimacy
out of others? Communication? How do you deliver that message
for your target audience? So, if you want a man,
how do you speak to men? If you want a woman,
how do you speak to women? Yeah, sender versus receiver.
And then the last part is yes, sacrificing whatever.

Speaker 1 (35:11):
Yeah. I saw that you had said someone like get
used to saying yes or finding the power to say yes?

Speaker 2 (35:17):
What did you say in your learning to say yes?

Speaker 1 (35:18):
Learning to say yes? And I was like, Oh, that's different. Yeah,
what does that even look like? Learning to say yes?
Culture of all boundaries?

Speaker 2 (35:26):
Yeah, everybody's know. And I'm like, yes in the sense
of what am I afraid of? And how do I
conquer that? What do I need to sacrifice to be
able to achieve my heart's desire?

Speaker 1 (35:36):
Got it? What do I need to say yes to?

Speaker 2 (35:38):
Is it more invitations? Is it yes to the guy
who I'm like, that's not my type? Is it yes
to this class that I want to enroll in? Is
it yes to this thing that maybe somebody is asking
me to try and I'm closed off to it. A
lot of us are really just trying to protect ourselves
at the end of the day, and so the decisions
that we make are always going to resort back to
what am I afraid of and what am I trying

(36:01):
to avoid so that I don't repeat the same mistakes.
And you need to say yes to sometimes the unknown,
Yes to the elevation and to the expansion.

Speaker 1 (36:10):
Now I get it. Now I get the yes. So
talk about yes, what if you want to do. Some
of you ain't into it.

Speaker 2 (36:19):
But yes, we'll help you in your relationship too, though,
because when your partner's proposing things, if you shut them down,
if you close them down, that's going to train them
to not open up to you. That's going to train
them that she always says no. And when you say yes,
and you're more open even in improv yes, and that
gives the person permission to.

Speaker 1 (36:35):
Be open with you.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
Okay, So I've decided I'm going to go full blown
spicy and ran with it in the sense of I
have to. I had to own it. I had to
be spicy, and I had to create the spicy life,
and I had to teach others how to be spicy.
So I decided I did a transformation. I went from
Venom to Spider Man, and I was like, I have

(36:57):
to now use my powers for good like my mom
ton'd me back in the day.

Speaker 1 (37:00):
Now to build this empire that you've built. What did
that runway look like? Because I would imagine you were
doing something on the side till you got the company
off the round. So can you tell me just a
little bit to bits of how the company.

Speaker 2 (37:14):
I was a sales rep one time. For gosh, I've
had jobs all my life through even to put myself
through college. But after graduation it looked like me working
as a buyer for Macy's. I've been a pharmaceutical sales rep.
I was a PR rep for an insurance agency at
one point. All those times that I had like that
full time job coming in, I always worked at my

(37:35):
craft of relationships and hosting. So I always did radio
at the same time because that doesn't pay.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
Yeah, and.

Speaker 2 (37:44):
I always did radio and TV. Okay, and that would
be always like sending the relationship message of my spicy tips.
Got it, But that did not pay the bills. I
had to do these other jobs in the interim.

Speaker 1 (37:55):
Okay, okay, but now you're just full time spicy.

Speaker 2 (37:58):
Now I'm full time spicy life.

Speaker 1 (38:00):
Okay. And how does that look like from an entrepreneur's
perspective day in the life? Is it smooth or is
it bumpy? Still? Oh no, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
And this is why, like I have my husband, who
is my purpose made he's my writer die because he
saw how I was trying to manage like jobs at
the same time, wile build my empire and I was
disorganized with how I was trying to build the Spicy Life.
He was like, Okay, we're not gonna be able to scale.
We're not going to be able to grow this business
if you are running twenty different ways, and this is

(38:30):
how we need to actually like create and run your operations.
It's because he's an expert in that I shout out
to my husband Marriage and Finances book. He was able
to help me become more organized in my business. And
then that's when I really start to see the benefits.
And I always knew. I was like, I'm on my
own radio and TV show as a relationship expert, and
he said, focus on the business. You build the business,

(38:51):
the shows will come. Okay, build the business, the shows
will come. And I was like, no, I got an audition.
I gotta show my expertises being able to talk about
relationships on TV shows. He's build the business, the shows
will come, and I focus on just my clients. I
poured into them. I poured into walking focus down the aisle.
I went and got officiated so I could marry them off.
I saw that I did all the things and the

(39:12):
shows came and that was my next thing.

Speaker 1 (39:14):
So they just started contacting you saying hey, we would
love for you to audition, or they just said come
on pack your bags.

Speaker 2 (39:20):
They shows usually will reach out to me and it
will be essentially an audition will look like an audition
since of we need a relationship expert. Can you talk
about these three things on zoom really quick? Or we
saw your video tape. We want to see how you
read with this co host. That would literally just be
that was DAANMGN happy. I listened to my husband and
I'm happy that I said on this trajectory. Yeah, and

(39:42):
when you see yourself do more good than broken hearts,
it's whoo. But it makes me a great coach though,
because I went through all my seasons. I went through
my poor season, I went through my host season, I
went through my anxious attachment thirsty season, I went through
my pansy, I went through all the events. And so
it helps me with women because no matter what FAI,
they're coming in and me now being the CEO of
my company, I'm mostly working with those alpha queens.

Speaker 1 (40:05):
Okay, yeah, those that independent women are independent. They I
saw one of my girls posts like the dad cannot
be independent because it is a real heavy I think
women carry it well, like it's a very from the outside.
It's carried very well. But I remember I think DC
Young Fly had said to me, like women carry the
most grace, like hell could be going on at Yahn

(40:27):
put on a smiling for sure or whatever. And but
I see, yeah, I think women that are real independent
they just want to break. They're like, yeah, this is
for the birds. This sucks.

Speaker 2 (40:37):
It's challenging because when you focus on just your career, right,
I knew that I wanted both, so I always did
multitasking the sense of build my career.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
And I was a leven girl.

Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah, of course you're gonna get me what you're'n gonna
find me without a man, unless I was being intentional
of being without a man. Always that a man.

Speaker 1 (40:53):
Well as the longest you were ever single, I think
the most I made it was like one year. But
when I say one year, it was literally I was
just like, let's wait, just a couple more buds to
put the title on it, like you knew what you
were doing. But I was like, please, man, I promise
myself I'd be officially single. But it was really diasy.

Speaker 2 (41:10):
You had to make a pact, like you had to
try try me.

Speaker 1 (41:13):
I been single ever.

Speaker 2 (41:15):
I did six months.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Yeah, I did six and I did a detox.

Speaker 2 (41:18):
I was like, okay, no me and no sex, no dates,
no nothing, no nothing. I did that detox just to see,
like one if I could do it, but also to
just to focus on me. I wanted to be selfish
in that moment because relationships are really about serving. Healthy
relationships are about serving one another. So yeah, that's that.
That's single. I've been in all the seasons, but nothing
compared to the spicy season, where you're empowered with understanding

(41:40):
the tools and the power that we have as women
to pivot back and forth between our masculine and feminine
to get anything done. You do have to lean into
your masculine when it comes to like efficiency, but to
get the things that you want and to not have
to work as hard for it, you need to leave
into your feminine. Yeah that's so into the receiving.

Speaker 1 (41:59):
I agree. Okay. One thing I want to back track
to is you said marriage and Finances was the name
of oh, my husband's book. Yeah, your husband's book. All right,
shout outs to your husband. Marriage and Marriage and Finances. Okay, Shaye.
What's his last name if people want to my husband
is Shae Wah. Okay, Shae Wah. And the name of
the book is Marriage and Finances and shout Outs if

(42:19):
you guys want to check that out because it helps
the spicy life.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
I'm telling you, my husband is that man.

Speaker 1 (42:25):
And then what are how can someone out there identify
deal breakers that are just non negotiables that this relationship
is definitely headed down a path of just going opposite ways,
or maybe they were on course but then they parted. Yeah,
I'm gonna I have you here. I'm gonna try and
get it out of you.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
So let me give you the pizza. This is a
cook this is a cooking show. Let me give you
the pizza. So the pizza is how you get led
to your purpose. Mate, Okay, how you exclude and get
rid of all the waste, all the garbage, all the trash.
Your pizza is the crust, sauce, and toppings. So the
three things you need for a good pizza crust, sauce, toppings.

(43:06):
Crust is the foundation. So folks at home needs to
do five things that they believe make a good human.
Write those five things down, Okay, the five things you
think make a good human. The sauce is the five
ways that I need to be treated in order to
feel loved, to be inspired, to give love, and to
feel loved. I need these five things. That's gonna be

(43:27):
very hard for people to answer. The good person is
hard for the crust is hard for people to answer,
and the sauce is hard for people to answer.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
The last you can't generic like just they have to
have intagrity or whatever.

Speaker 2 (43:37):
If that's a core value of yours, If that would
be a crust, that would be in the crust. But
the sauce needs to be like, I need chivalry. That's
a non negotiable for me. I have to have chivalry.
The toppings is the next.

Speaker 1 (43:50):
Really the cheese.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
The toppings is the cheese to the toppings, it goes crust, sauce, toppings.
Cheese is considered a topic.

Speaker 1 (43:58):
Okay, go on.

Speaker 2 (43:59):
So the toppings is what do I need to be
physically attracted to this person? Oh? Okay, how can and
what do they need to have for me to want
to take my clothes off? The toppings, though, is okay?
Is how everybody is dating in twenty twenty five. We're
starting with the toppings and then we're pulling back that
beats and we're being like, Okay, what is the sauce

(44:19):
look like? Okay, what is the crust look like? And
that's jacking us up as a society. Yeah, is messing
us up.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
I'll say this, though, I feel like the way people
are dating back in the day, and I truly believe
that the only reason why I was always in a
relationship was you would make a guy wait or whatever.
Now if you hang out with a guy with they
have like their own number. If they're not smashing by
like date two, they're like I got Shakara, Keisha, Sarah
and Jody yeah or whoever that are all in rotation

(44:48):
right now. I don't even want to waste my time.
So it's weird because now they don't even want to
stick around. I had guys that would stick around forever, yeah,
and then if you did hook up, but then they
were definitely like, you're my girlfriend. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (45:00):
And this error, But sex isn't guarantee that, No, it
doesn't it.

Speaker 1 (45:04):
But I'm just saying that when you're thinking about your layers,
people start with this toppings. Then they hook up because
they're just going off attraction, and then they're peeling back
the layers.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
They're peeling back those layers.

Speaker 1 (45:14):
So it's backwards. I'm just it's backwards.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
Yeah, absolutely, And that backwardsness is messing us up, especially
as us as women who want husbands, because if you're
working backwards and you're operating and thinking like a man,
because that's what a man cares about, hears about toppings.
If you don't have the toppings, a man's not fooling
with you at all. Yeah, but for a woman that's
looking for a husband, the crust and the sauce are
by far the most important things got and so anything.

(45:39):
So as you create your pizza right, you're gonna writ
your pizza out the five five five. The toppings are
negotiable because if he has the crust and he has
the sauce, it's still a good freaking pizza.

Speaker 1 (45:48):
It's still a delicious, say, and you're definitely going to
be attracted to it. Yeah, you know, it's longs.

Speaker 2 (45:52):
More attractive to you the better that he reads you.
There needs to be a few toppings on there, just
so that you can take your clothes off. But O
five do not have to be on there. Okay, those
are negotiable. You can fix the things that may not
be on there. My husband had crookeet see now he
had a visit line straight, his teeth are straight. Hand.
But this needs to be the map, the road map
to how you are dating and how you are getting
in relationship. If they don't have the crust, the crust

(46:16):
is not negotiable. If they're not a good human, if
they show you anything outside of those five qualities in
the crust, you have to release them.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
Dang, you have to really, Now, what if someone say,
dip their hands in the little cookie jar and they're attached,
they gotta like, if.

Speaker 2 (46:31):
You want a husband and you want a healthy relationship,
you got to release them because why would you If
he's not the crust, If he doesn't have the characteristics
that you just said defined a good human, why are
you with him? What are you doing here?

Speaker 1 (46:46):
Or her? Or her?

Speaker 2 (46:47):
Or Yeah, men do this too, but for us trying
to select husbands, it may have to be in the
sense of a numbers game. Okay, so you do have
to give up five, You might have to give up ten.
You may have to continue your rotation in your dating pool.
When these qualities are you have to give up. You
might have to give up someone. Oh give up, yeah, yeah,
give up a guy like you. Might have to catch

(47:07):
and release, Catch and release, and you move on to
the next zoo.

Speaker 1 (47:10):
Catch and release. I went to a phase where I said,
I have to catch and release. The second I feel
slight disrespect, you released back to the ocean.

Speaker 2 (47:19):
You gotta sometimes let them go.

Speaker 1 (47:20):
You gotta let them go. Okay, okay. And then for
the married folk out there, shout outs to all the
people the roller coaster, Oh.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
Here. Yeah, what advice do you give to those folks
that have been at it for a while? Now, spice
it up, spice it up with the spider. It doesn't
just look like the bedroom. I'm telling you.

Speaker 2 (47:40):
If you become more attractive when your partner sees you growing,
so start pouring into yourself, whether that's something that you
want to register for, a hobby that you want to
get into and expose your partner to it. That actually
becomes sexy when you teach your partner new things. So
that's what I call intellectual intimacy. Oh I like that
to where it's I'm I'm growing. I'm teaching myself cool

(48:02):
things or someone introduced something to me, and then you
share that with them. You get them then into the
thing that you are being expanded by, and then they
within themselves will also be expanded. But that keeps the
relationship intimacy there. And then also I do think that
you gotta put love on this to do list, so
we do need our date nights. I also am a

(48:23):
huge proponent of schedule.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
Sex really scheduled, Yes, scheduled. How do you do that?
Though you on the calendar, I'm gonna be all the
way one. I have the same age child as you. Yeah,
I promise you. Around nine o'clock if me and my
significant my husband are together, the only thing that's happening

(48:46):
is sleep yep. I don't know if it's like the
energy or the vibe, like the energy with her in
the peripherals. It just it's like dead tired. And I'm
like that is, But if she wasn't around, it'd be different.
I get it. But Wednesday, every Wednesday this.

Speaker 2 (49:05):
Yeah, I wanted the baby to bed out this time
and we're gonna get it in.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
And what he doesn't feel forced, it's not about.

Speaker 2 (49:11):
No because it actually gives you something to look forward to.
People feel like, if I put on the calendar or
I make it like a part of my agenda, it's
not going to be spontaneous, and I want it spontaneous,
And I'm like, but I want the sex, and I
know my time management is bad, So if I try
to make it spontaneous, it's never gonna happen. I would
rather have the connection. I would rather be plugged into
with him, then miss out on our passion and our intimacy.

(49:36):
So it's actually now being intentional. If we're intentional everything
else in our life, whether it be our workouts, whether's
drink and water, why not be intentional about your sex
life as well. If you are a busy body like me,
and it makes sense, and I do get tired.

Speaker 1 (49:49):
If I know they have a kid, you'd be like, yo,
be all looking at the kid like you, oh, let's.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
Be trying to sleep with us, And I'm like, a,
you're throwing.

Speaker 1 (49:58):
Salt on my game. These kids are like birth control, man.

Speaker 2 (50:04):
Oh my one thousand percent, yeah, one thousand percent.

Speaker 1 (50:07):
But that is by nature though.

Speaker 2 (50:09):
If they keep you busy, if they make sure that
you have all other attention, they can eliminate the potential
for siblings and they can absorb all of the resources
that come with being an only child.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, and then what do you advice
for people that are going through separation?

Speaker 2 (50:29):
Separations are challenging because it's one foot and one foot out. Yeah,
you're trying to decide do you want to stay do
you want to go? And so I think that you
need to be very clear on do we have the
same goal. Do we both want the same things in life?
If we want completely different things in life? Because I
think that when you are with your purpose mate, you

(50:50):
guys understand the bigger picture and so anything that diverts
from that throws you off track. So you always have
to go back to, Okay, what is the goal in
the relationship? What are we both trying to accomplish, not
just in our but in our relationship goal. You have
to put relationship goals and have team meetings for relationship goals,
just the same way that you would for financial on
the calendar. Everything goes on the calendar. At this point

(51:10):
in my life, I said, we run in behind, but
even the sex runs behind. But everything goes on the calendar.
Yeahs are hilarious.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
You are hilarious. I can't imagine what that would look like.
But the way you called us fifteen minutes, I'm so
so sorry. Yeah, I'll make it up. That is one thing.

Speaker 2 (51:28):
Me and my husband, we communicate. He's even a better
communicator than be. But we communicate.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
And you still think communication is like key number.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
One, number one. A lot of us think that we
are great communicators and we are not.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
Okay, And what's the difference between male and female communication?

Speaker 2 (51:43):
Oh my god, there's a million things, but I'll start
with love versus logic and women, communication is an emotional
experience for it. For men, communication is a driver of
efficiency and logic. And so that's why we are in
our masculine when we are at work, because we are
trying to just let me give you this information so
we can make these changes so we can be efficient

(52:05):
and effective. Men naturally communicate with the factual disclosure. Factual
disclosure is the facts that you need to know. Women
we communicate oftentimes with emotional disclosure. And if you're a
woman not communicating with emotional disclosure, you'll never create intimacy
in relationship that you're operating. You're masculine and you need
to call me. But emotional disclosure is telling you how

(52:28):
the fact made you feel.

Speaker 1 (52:29):
Okay, So that's a good thing.

Speaker 2 (52:31):
If that is a good thing, most of us as
a society are not operating in emotional disclosure. We are
operating in factual disclosure when we are in our masculine energy.

Speaker 1 (52:42):
Give me an example, you and I were in a relationship. Yeah,
I'm gonna give you a factual disclosure, like today, I
have an appointment at four pm. Sorry, I couldn't make
it to our dinner. Okay, So is that a good example? Yes?

Speaker 2 (52:55):
Close, That would be I have a four pmtor's appointment,
or of a four pm conference call, and you can
say I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
That's not that.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
Being apologetic is an emotion. However, we would take it
a step further and say, I apologize and it makes
me feel awful to have disappointed you and not being
able to make it. But I need you to understand
that what I'm going through really requires this for my esteem.
I got to make disappointment and tell me how this

(53:29):
is making you feel and how I can make it
up to you.

Speaker 1 (53:31):
That's emotional.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
That is the emotional Okay, you have to let the
person into how it's making you feel. They need to
see the remorse saying, to hear the repentance. They need
to because the problem with i'm sorry, and this is
a whole nother episode about the apology languages, the problem
with i'm sorry is that people if you use i'm
sorry in relationship, it doesn't work anymore because if you've
been sorry a hundred times, the person's tired of hearing it. Yeah,

(53:53):
like whatever, the emotional disclosure would come in even though
you're like, i'm sorry, that's an emotion apologetic is, but
i'm sorry is like the delivery of the remorse. The
person actually needs to hear and feel and experience the
remorse to actually believe you.

Speaker 1 (54:08):
I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (54:09):
But the factual disclosure would be, we made toast. Maybe
my husband's gonna ask me how the podcast we made toast.
That's factual disclosure. He's not bonded to.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
Me, that's a fact. Yes, we made I got it.

Speaker 2 (54:22):
That sugar sent him in toast. I like to call
it my spicy Toast baby. And it took me back
to my childhood when I was feeding my siblings and
I was responsible for them at a young age and
that was so hard on me, but like we persevered
and it made me feel good to think about Mama.
We made it like that's more emotional disclosure.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
But now do men like that? Because you always see
these jokes online where men are like the woman is
just downloading and the man has just had lunch.

Speaker 2 (54:47):
At the end, what are you trying to achieve in
that moment? If we want to bond, I need to
give you emotional disclosure, because I'm trying to get ish done.
I need to give you factual disclosure. So if I
want the man closer to me, I should not be
mirroring his communication. I should be having him mear mind.
But if I never speak to you in emotional disclosure,
you never learn. You never learned, as my partner, how

(55:10):
to become more articulate with your emotional language. We get
on a vibration of masculinity and we're just delivering the
facts to each other versus Oh my god, it makes
me feel so good. When you came home early today,
I needed that. I needed to see you, I needed
to recharge with your presence like that. He needs to
know what the fact meant to him. Got it, and

(55:33):
he will not be guided to being closer to you
unless he hears it. It does not need to be
a four page letter. And that's where we go wrong.

Speaker 1 (55:40):
Yeah, with the eighteen eighteen eighteen page tech correct now
there are There's another thing that men have been saying
online is that women like to be lied to. Have
you heard about that?

Speaker 2 (55:49):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (55:49):
Yeah, And I do think it's interesting because I can't
see in some ways where they're making sense.

Speaker 2 (55:57):
Tell me your OI gets true.

Speaker 1 (56:01):
I think it's kind of true. Like me and my
husband we separated for a couple of years and women
were like this. One girl had talked to me. She said,
he told me, she said, you're separated. I said, yeah,
that still means married. Like you know what I'm saying, like,
still means married. I'm not holding you responsible. Yeah you're
married or no. She said, you're married on paper. No,

(56:24):
that's what I said. I said, that is exactly what married.
That is exactly what it is. So stop saying married
on paper, Just say married. But I remember having this
conversation with this girl and she literally kept saying married
on paper, and I was just like, no, no anger
towards her.

Speaker 2 (56:43):
No.

Speaker 1 (56:45):
But I could not believe that this young lady was
saying to me, married on paper, fully saying it like
it was okay, but not realizing what she said was
married on paper. You know what I'm saying. It's like
a form of lying to herself. And she got and
it was all all these things that she saw that
was very clear evidence that this person is clearly married.
But that to me would be an example of someone

(57:07):
lying to themselves. Do you get, I understand exactly what
do you feel that too? That's like lions. Yes, we
will look for.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
How to turn the red flags into green flags. As women,
we can oftentimes try to rationalize mistreatment, rationalize what's obvious
because we want to feel a certain way. Okay, we
want something, we have a desire of our heart and
we want to achieve it. Will rationalize the bad thing
that intuitively maybe telling us like run, We will rationalize it.

(57:37):
But we rationalize it by lying to ourselves about it. Yeah,
by painting a pretty picture and making it seem like
it's normal, and deep down inside, when we are healed,
we're able to recognize that. Unhealed, you now have become
desensitized from the recognition and being tapped out of your

(57:59):
intuitive Yeah, so you begin to lose trust himself.

Speaker 1 (58:03):
Also, yeah, yeah, yeah, I could see that in the conversation.
I could see with the young lady too, like our
friends were like, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 (58:13):
Correct?

Speaker 1 (58:14):
And then there was one other thing. Do you ever
console poly relationships?

Speaker 2 (58:18):
That's funny. I've done poly show, Yeah you have the.

Speaker 1 (58:22):
I will.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
So I've done let's say, triangles right in the SNS
of husband, wife who's separated or divorcing, and mistress. Okay,
I've counseled them. When it comes to polyamorous relationships, I
do not believe that restores the family unit when you
have the intentions of having multiple partners. I do not
think that we have the ability or to be able

(58:45):
to juggle them all. And I do not feel like
a man without discipline can be trusted. I agree with them,
So I will not counsel polyamous relationships. And I have
been approached by them. Can we have such sessions?

Speaker 1 (58:56):
No, we cannot. And that's interesting that they're also approaching you,
because they when you see these poly relationships, they clamorize
this whole like multiple and we all get along. You
would never It's interesting to hear that these same people
are saying, hey, can you help us.

Speaker 2 (59:09):
Yeah, there's a lot of coaches and counsel lers that
will take any one. I'm finally at a point in
my career where i don't have to. Yeah, there's a
point when I'm like, come on, Well, there's a screening
process with your Yeah, we do consultations first. There, I
do an assessment and that's one hundred and fifty questions
where I'm like figuring out, Okay, where do I need
to help you within SPI C Y. So there's a
whole process before we get started.

Speaker 1 (59:30):
You're not in a service.

Speaker 2 (59:30):
Agreement and n date. We're going through the real because
I'm going to not only deep dive into your life,
I'm letting you into mine.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
Got it? Oh okay, So it's a two ways.

Speaker 2 (59:39):
It's a two way. I can't teach you the fundamentals
and the formulas for trust and intimacy without reciprocating, got it.
There's no way for me to be able to transform
your perspective and understand your beliefs and hear your childhood
wounds and traumas if it's one sided. And that's not
to say that a lot of my clients experience there

(01:00:00):
and me simultaneously, because therapy will help them understand like
where that experience came from or what was at the route.
I help them in the transformation of Okay, this is
how we actually tackle it. This is how we create
the change. So there's self awareness component and there's a
self actualization component. That's where I'm coming in and kicking
your ass.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
Nice. So where can everybody keep up with everything the
Spicy Life?

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
You guys can go to the spicylife dot com. You
can play with my Twitter stroke, my ig at Spicy Modi.
You can find the podcast everywhere that they're streaming The
Spicy Life.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
And you tape that every week or every week we
have that every week. Yes, so all the relationship advice,
all the relationship guru topics and challenges, you come and
is it just you or do you have a guest?

Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
I have a guest come on every episode with me.

Speaker 1 (01:00:46):
Wow, And then they just full transparency.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Yes, sometimes we're talking about their expertise in the profession
because I'll have a lot of like relationship coaches or
therapists and counselors come on, or it's a guest that
we're exploring their love life.

Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
Wow wow to here first and then any other projects on.

Speaker 2 (01:01:03):
The TV Netflix, Netflix. We gotta shout out Netflix niaky links. Okay,
I already told Team Healthy relationship situationships, booty calls, sneaky
links do not help you get closer to your husband.
I'm the relationship expert on the show on Netflix right
now that's streaming. It's called Sneaky Links. Snaky Links, Sneaky links.

Speaker 1 (01:01:21):
Oh my goodness. Yes, and you're gonna. You're on the
Health Team Healthy side, so you're gonna.

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
I'm helping the singles in the motel transform their sneaky
ways so that they can be a magnet for real love.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
Wow, but that doesn't happen overnight. How long do you
have you tape the show?

Speaker 2 (01:01:37):
We were in the motel for a month, and so
we're doing like coaching sessions together, putting them through like
a boot camp of activities, and even putting temptation in
front of them to test for the change.

Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
Did they pass? Not?

Speaker 2 (01:01:51):
All of them? You can leave them to the water. Okay,
you can't necessarily get them to drink.

Speaker 1 (01:01:58):
Check out Sneaky Links on Netflix. I know I am,
because I just want to see people fail test. I'm
that person.

Speaker 2 (01:02:06):
You and your husband are back together now right.

Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Yeah, we're working right. Yes, he's working very hard. I'm
very proud of him. I love that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:13):
I love you give up on it.

Speaker 1 (01:02:14):
Shoot, I'm a hard one. Let me tell you something.
When I be done, I blow up the whole building.
I don't like. That's it. It's a wrap. But yeah,
my daughter is very happy, so I'm one hundred per
cool with it. Yeah, I'll try shout outs to growth.
Call me anytime you need to grow. When you're gonna
whoop his butt, I probably would right now, he's on

(01:02:36):
a good past. Shout out shout outs to him. I
definitely respect. I respect anybody that works on themselves and
works really hard and fight a good fight and doesn't quit.
That's my thing. That's quit. Just don't quit.

Speaker 2 (01:02:47):
What are the area come to? Sharing? Where the areas
are that he asks you to grow?

Speaker 1 (01:02:52):
Where he asked me to grow. If you asked him,
he probably say I have an anger. I have a
little bit of anger. I'm making.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
My husband.

Speaker 1 (01:03:02):
I possessed. He's like, yo, I got a book to
get out of the state.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
That zimper Oh my god. I had to work with
my husband early on that what we won't be doing
in this relationship.

Speaker 1 (01:03:11):
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be or I don't listen,
maybe I may cut him off before he finishes. I'm like,
wooo okay, yeah, but that's about it. But I was
I would say he probably said the communication. I don't
think it's that bad. But the communication, Yeah, is that
that is communicating? Yes, yeah, that would be it. That

(01:03:33):
would probably be his number one. Other than that, he'd
be cool.

Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
Okay, all right, I'm having a little sushi session with y'all.

Speaker 1 (01:03:40):
That's funny. He probably needs it. He needs a good tweaking.

Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
I love when I hear couple say my partner needs it.
But I'm good. That's that is the clear past. You
already both very much need this. Okay, time point the
fingers of the other partner. I know it's a tail tale.

Speaker 1 (01:03:55):
That's like one on one.

Speaker 2 (01:03:57):
You want to know something.

Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
It's so funny because I totally did times in a row.
You should. He needs the help. He needs help. All right,
thank y'all for tuning in to a great meal. I'm
gonna finish my egg.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
Oh did you finish your mind?

Speaker 1 (01:04:10):
Okay, okay, I'm gonna finish my egg. Peace out, y'all
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