Maybe It's Just Kotanese

The littlest Ellis is 2 and has been learning, growing and living his best life. But when it comes to verbal expression, he doesn't do too much talking. In this episode, the Ellises open up about learning about Dakota's speech delay, and what they've been doing to help him catch up. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Parents. Never underestimate the power of listening to your children.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
That's a fact, dead ass, And don't be that parent.
That's just like, it's not my child. When you get
advice from others, be diligent about looking into whatever that
set issue may be.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Dead ass.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
I make you need therapy most days.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
we are.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
li's most taboo topics, things.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
Most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day. So when
we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the truth.
We about to take philosof to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:09):
So I remember exactly where I was when I started
to wonder, like what exactly was going on?

Speaker 2 (01:17):
But Dakota specific Dakota Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
And it was trying to remember the month. I remember
exactly when it happened, but it was during Jackson's football
practices where I was spending a lot of time with Jackson,
and me and Jackson were spending like three or four
days together a bunch of hours preparing for football, and
the koda. I'll come in the house and Dakota runs

(01:41):
up to me, gives me a hug, right, and I'm saying,
what's up, buddy? And now at this point, the coda's
turning two, right, And I noticed that when he said
certain sounds, or try to say certain sounds. I said
things to him. He would say like eat, and I
would say, hey, what's up, buddy? You know what I'm saying.
You having a good time? And rather than say yes,
he would say eight. So at first I was like,

(02:03):
it's interesting because he's not mimicking me. He's not imitating me,
he's just making a sound. So at first I was like,
it's not that big a deal. You know, he's not
even two yet. You know, it is what it is.
Then I remember on his second birthday when I was
just like, oh, he's two now. I remember the boys
around there two year old birthdays you know, they can

(02:24):
scream out yay, you know what I'm saying, hi, bye bye.
And then I remember his second birthday. We were doing like
we do with all of them. We have a little
cake and we celebrating with him, and I said, yo,
your pample needs to be changed. Go get your pampa.
I said, your pampa dirty. And then he said and
I said, he's two now, he should be saying yes

(02:47):
at this point he should. And what threw me off
is that he's been saying mama, Dad, Papa, Mimi, and
roro since he was like right after one. He's been
saying those namesames. But now he's still only saying those
words clearly, and he's saying eat. At that moment, I
was like, maybe I should look into something. And that's

(03:10):
when you took him for his two year old check
check up and the doctor said, I want you guys
to take Dakota to see a speech pathologist.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
Speech therapist be evaluated.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
He should be saying fifty words at this point or
more and he was only saying those five. Yep.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
But the best part about it is that you told
him to get his pamper. He brought the pamper, the wipes,
and the A and D ointment and then laid on
the couch like change me, sir. So it was several
things here because he understands what you're saying. He was
able to get everything done. But it's like, bro, you
should also probably be using the potty now too. Karaoke time.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
So in honor of Dakota's middle name, his namesake, his name,
I'm going to sing this song because I want this
song to also resonate not only with him but with
other parents. Yes, y'all know the Coolda's middle name is Marley.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
That's a fact why I say this. But't worry because
it's gonna be alright. Yes, saying don't worry about because.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
It's gonna be alright.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
That's a fact. Everything's gonna be all right, baby, Yes,
it's all good. Let's go pay some bills and we're
gonna dive into this. This is something that we felt
like we wanted to share with you. Guys are dead
Ass family because in the spirit of sharing, like we
always do, we're very transparent about what's happening in our lives.
And since Dead Ass Podcast has kind of evolved into
like a chronological order of what we're dealing with at

(04:53):
the time. You know, we don't have a ton of
guests anymore. We just love to talk to you guys directly.
You can hear what's going on with our life, you
guys to get at this point, you guys are the
guests exactly. So we want to talk to you guys
about what we've been diving into when it comes to
our baby boy number four, Dakota, So stick around and
we'll be back.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
All right, So let's talk a little bit more about
story time because Kadeen and I feel like, first of all,
d Coda is fine.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yes, let's start there.

Speaker 1 (05:27):
They had him tested. We had him tested. We took
him to a speech therapist. Yes, and they do a
series of tests for children his aims.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
Yeah, Deval and I were able to sit in on
that as well to kind of see what the therapist
was going to assess him on, you know, just to
be of support and to also kind of get some
tips and tricks about things we could start to work
on with him immediately while we were waiting for the
results of the assessment.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
And the biggest thing I learned from the assessment of
there's two types of communication for children. Yes, they work
on the receptive yes and then expressive yes, Donora, I
mean doora Dakota. When it came to the receptive part
of it scored very well.

Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
He pointed out over fifty shapes, colors, animals, shoes, bags, birds,
things I didn't even know. She was like pointing to
your eyes, ears, mouth, chin, hair, elbow, knee. She's like, wow,
he knows all of his body parts. He knows all
of the objects that someone his age is supposed to
know and more.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
She also gave him some direction like can you go
and get the ball? Can you go and get this?
So he was doing all of those things so he
understood exactly what was happening.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
He also was able to take direction for specific things
that were a little bit more advanced. For example, can
you take the ball out of the cup and give
one ball to Daddy and give one ball to me?
So it was like watching him do certain things. There
was a moment there where Kadeen and I, you know,
got a little emotional because I know I got emotional
in part because I felt like we were the problem. Absolutely,

(06:58):
you know, as parents want to get into why I
felt like we were the problem. But when it came
time to him for him to express himself. It was
like he was choosing not to speak.

Speaker 2 (07:09):
And it's hard because it's like, in that moment, we're wondering,
is he shy because this is a stranger that he's
never met before, so that level of comfort hasn't been established.
Is he just being stubborn and just doesn't want to
talk or say anything.

Speaker 1 (07:22):
I was a hearing issue. They wanted to see if
it was a hearing issue. But we tested for hearing and.

Speaker 2 (07:26):
That was fine, fine colors. So me as mom, you know,
I start to kind of think about and it's hard
because you have three children prior, and I tend to
kind of compare, you know, where the other boys were
at that phase. So I remember Jackson and Kaz. They
spoke very clearly and very eloquently earlier on so meaning

(07:50):
like you know a little over a year going into two,
they were saying.

Speaker 1 (07:53):
A lot, but they weren't speaking I guess much. For example,
like Kiro Chyro was gibberish.

Speaker 2 (08:00):
Right, So Cairo, I was gonna say, had like this.
We used to joke about it and call it Kyrones
like his own language, because he was so animated and
he would just be babbling a lot, so we knew
that he was trying to express himself. But once he
finally caught his command of the English language, then it
was like words speaking, full blown singing, I mean everything.
So I for a while, when Dakota was approaching to

(08:24):
my mom and my sister at two different points, had
mentioned like, do you notice like the court doesn't really
say as much, he doesn't repeat as much. So I
was like, we'll give him a chance. Because every child
is different, they developed differently, and just because we're the
same two parents having four children, they're all so different
and his pace may be different than the others. And
let's face it, he's in a household with seven other
people who we be talking all the goddamn time. You

(08:45):
know what I'm saying, well six because my dad is
very quiet.

Speaker 1 (08:48):
But I remember that, Yeah, my.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
Dad is super quiet, so you know, between his brother's
running around here, it was just kind of like we
figured naturally he would just start talking because everybody else
is talk Can we talk to him? We talk with him,
you know. So there were things that I necessarily didn't
see as a red flag because of that, and in
retrospect now, and I think even in this moment when

(09:11):
we were at the therapist's office and stuff. I got
emotional because I felt like, man, was I doing him
a disservice by not being more tuned in Earlier.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
I would I would say yes, and not you. I
would say we as a collective. Yeah, And this is
just a PSA for all parents. Typically, when you get
to the second, third, fourth child, it's you know, wills
are in motion. You know, Jackson got practiced, Kiro got art. No,
Kiro has practiced, Kaz has art. We also have a tour,

(09:41):
we're both working, and then the fourth child is like, well,
he's around his brother, she'll figure it.

Speaker 2 (09:47):
Out, right, Or here's Mimi and Papa with him. You know,
he's in good hands during the day, right.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
So we figured it out. When when you really look
at it, that's not how we raised any of our
other children. Jackson had specific time from one to two
where he was just with dad at home. Yes, Cairo
had specific time between one and two where he was
just with dad at home. Jazz had that specific time

(10:14):
where he was home with Mimi and we were working
and she was focused on doing mem Sorry, But then
when I look back at the colder, I said you
know the colde is too now, and he's had no
specific time with anyone. Pops is not an early childhood educator.
Pops is a man of few words. Pops, like most
granddads do, will put on whatever it is you want

(10:35):
to watch. I'm gonna make sure you're healthy. I'm gonna
make sure you're not bleeding. I'm gonna make sure and
we're gonna show. So Pops would put on Coco melon.
We as parents were just like, oh, it's cocomelon.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
This is good. Like kids, they're singing, they learned songs.
He's doing the wheels of the bus. Okay. Cool.

Speaker 1 (10:53):
So when I go back and think about the two years,
the code has been spending a lot of time in
this house with a man who does not say much
at all. So if you're a young toddler, who are
you conversing with? If no one is speaking to you.
His brothers go to school every day. When they come home,
they go outside and play with each other until five

(11:14):
six o'clock. Then they come inside and then it's getting
ready to time for bed. No one's really paying specific
attention to Dakota, right, And the reason why I feel
like that's been the problem is because he's been to
speech therapy now for three weeks and now he can repeat,
which means all we had to do.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
Which starts the process of time.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
That was unfair to him.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
For sure, because you know, between Papa and then Mimi
being here, I know mimis a lot more vocal and
all that, but also too, like, it's not their responsibility
per se to make sure that they are you know,
being an educator, you know, it's a plus that we
do have mom and dad here to assist, but the
responsibility is not all on them to be able to
do that. And we typically don't start our boys in

(11:58):
school until they can speak. Jackson by two and a
half was speaking and Cairo was the same thing. Kaz
didn't have that opportunity because of the pandemic, but we
normally put them in school so that the socialization component
also encourages them to speak more their vocabulary expanse, because
the teachers are now giving them more like So we
also now reassessed when we were going to start Koda

(12:20):
in school, thinking, you know what, let's start him immediately,
because during those days when the boys are at school,
you and I may have work or we're traveling. If
he's at least in a school environment or an educational environment,
he may be more apt to pick things up. Yes,
so those are a couple of things that we have
tried to do more recently once we discover that, you
know what, he might be behind, like two or three months.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
And to be honest, when I think about even Cairo
and Kaz, Cairo babbled earlier.

Speaker 2 (12:50):
Aggressed that, like a lot of things, right.

Speaker 1 (12:52):
Kaz was more articulate, but Kaz also was less vocal
up until he was four. Yes, so even if you
go back and look at the videos, Kash just did
not speak to people. But there was moments where I
remember Kaz was two and a half, Yes, mommy, I
would like that, thank you.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (13:09):
So it's like he won't speak, but when he speaks.

Speaker 2 (13:11):
Yes, he's articulate, professor, He was.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
Little, little professor, but Cairo was at and then now
Cairo doesn't speak as much, but Kaz is super vocal.
He has a bunch of questions. So I want to
say that too. So also, don't don't put one barometer
on all your children. If they're not doing this by
this time, something is wrong. They evolved, they learned differently.

(13:36):
They choose when they want to communicate and when they
don't want to communicate. But this is also important what
they watch. Yes, because Coda loved to watch Coco Melon.

Speaker 2 (13:46):
Which we didn't know is an over stimulant for children.
Had no clue, So it's actually a deterrent for babies
and children. They shouldn't be watching Coco Melon. In turn,
they should be watching things like Miss Rachel, who was
a human who's actually speaking to them, and she's words
and she's encouraging the mimicking. You know. That's a more
educational route when it comes to TV and screen time,

(14:07):
which has.

Speaker 1 (14:08):
Helped him because he's learned, he's learned how to pronounce
certain words. I play that Miss Rachel Wheels on the
Bus video so much, but now he's wheels on the
bus and he's.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Doing it in the car today.

Speaker 1 (14:22):
Actually, just practicing the use of that language while watching
a human do it is different than watching a cartoon
that looks like the alien with the words underneath and
the bouncing ball and music and flashing lights. For young kids,
they don't know what they're seeing. And I remember watching
Sesame Street and think about how primitive Sesame Street is

(14:45):
the letter of the day is A say A and
they put that A up there a A and it's like, yo, like,
my kid ain't slow. But then when you think it.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
Was a method to that madness, Yes there was a
method to that, which makes sense. So it's like going
back to the roots of some things that are just
timeless when it comes to early childhood development and education,
which we didn't know. So yeah, it's been one of
those things where Deval and I kind of struggled a
bit with it because you know, naturally his parents would
want to be able to give our kid every opportunity

(15:21):
to be successful, even at two wherever he should be
at two. But I also once I spoke to his
doctor at that two year checkup, she didn't seem overly
concerned because there were other milestone markers that he met,
Like she literally gave me this whole exam that I
had to fill out for him. Can he do this?
Can he take a ball and put it in a cup?

(15:43):
Can he stack blocks?

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Like?

Speaker 2 (15:45):
Can he take direction if you ask him to put
something in the garbage? Like there were things that he
was doing, so she wasn't overly concerned. And though she
made the recommendation to have him evaluated. I didn't want
to be that parent that sometime gets yeah, that panics
or also gets offended. And she kind of was like
treading lightly with when she told me. She's like, you know,
I'm just making a recommendation to you and our doctor.

(16:07):
I love her to death. She's a sister too, so
I'm just like, shoot it straight to this. If it
was baby, what would you do? Like, you don't want
to tiptoe around me. I'm not a sensitive parent, like
say what it is. And she's just like, no, I
would recommend just getting him at least evaluated. So I said,
I appreciate that, sad because I'm not the parent that's
just like, no, my child is fine. You ain't only
labeling my child. It wasn't that for me. It was

(16:27):
like what do I need to do to set him
up for success? Absolutely, And the minute she said that,
I found a speech therapist that I really liked in the.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Areas day when Kadeen does not play when it comes
to education. The next day she's like, the vow, these
are the speech therapist. When do you have time? We
went together and we made it a point to let
the doctors know that he has both of his parents
in his life who are going to be here in
this process absolutely, because I always also feel like when

(16:55):
they see both mom and dad, yes they know that
not only the baby is supported, but mom supported. He's
not going to be a combative thing. Where now we
don't know if we're going to get the child all
the time, because sometimes it's like, oh, my son don't
need that. You know, you can take them when you want.
My son don't need that. Then when Dad's turn to
take them, he's not taking them right right. No, I
wanted to be very clear that they knew that Dakoda

(17:16):
was supported by both of us for sure.

Speaker 2 (17:17):
For sure, and so far, I mean, he hasn't been
exposed to the school environment yet. So the first visit
was a little bit kind of you know, he was apprehensive.
He was just like, where are we going? Where I'm
going with this.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Lady came to his first one?

Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, everyone tour. Now it's funny, like it's good that
you mentioned me because this jogged idea or you know
something I wanted to say before. But Mimi is grandma. Okay,
Mimi is Grandma. She's fabulous, and all we know that
but at the end of the day, she is grandma,
and those boys know that Mimi has a weakness for them. Yes,
and Mimi is going to do whatever it is they

(17:50):
want her to do and pop up. But I say
Mimi specifically because when Mimi took him to his visit,
he was like, eh, I don't want to, Like he
was sticking in clinging to Mimi and did not want
to go with the speech therapist because he knows with Mimi. Yeah.
So even to say if Mimi sits down with him
and she's doing flash cars or colors, he's not engaging

(18:12):
with her in that capacity, Nope, because Mimi is fun
as she should be, you know. So that's when Deval
and I had to step back and say, you know what,
that's not Mimi's sole responsibility to have to do that.
Do we encourage it during the day when she has
time with him, Absolutely, But the boys know that Mimi
and Papa will always try to bail them out of
a situation. Absolutely, you know. And that's the particularly difficult

(18:35):
thing about having my parents living full time. Sometimes the
lines get blurred when it comes to boundaries and parameters
and things that they have permission to do. So it's
funny to see how Dakota acted differently when Mimi took
him into therapy versus when you and I took him.

Speaker 1 (18:50):
That's a great point because that also puts us on
notice of how important it is for us to not
put off all of our responsibilities on your parents, right,
because a lot of our parents do that.

Speaker 2 (19:02):
You know.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
It was just like, oh, well, my parents got him,
so that's that's cool. There is a dynamic there between
grandparents and grandchildren that is unspoken, but everyone knows what
it is. And that dynamic is this, my grandparents love
me so much more than they love my parents, and
I can get away with not doing what my parents
say with my grandparents absolutely. Now there's also a different

(19:23):
dynamic between mom and dad. For example, me and Kay
took Kolder to a second one. The minute we get there,
he looks at me, he looks at Kay, he separates
from us because it's almost as if he knows, like, okay,
I can't do the Mimi thing. This is going to
do what they want me to do. Right. We get
down there and the doctor says, you know, when he

(19:46):
came the last time, he didn't repeat any words. I
can't write down what Mimi says that he says at home.
I have to hear it. So then I go say, Mama, Mama,
say Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, who's Dakota me? And she's like,
oh wow. I said yes, because there's a different disciplinary action.

(20:09):
Mom is sitting there at me and Kase sitting there.
I said, he has to learn how to do these
things when we're not here. I said, Yo, Dakota, we're
going to leave. We're not sneaking out. We don't do
the sneak out thing. We're going outside. We will be
right back, buddy. Okay. He looked at us and he
kind of was walking towards the door, and in Case
said no, baby, you have to wait. You have to stay.

(20:33):
And at that moment it was like okay, Dad said
have to stay. Mom gave me reassurance I'll be fine.

Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
We walked out, closed the door, we listened to see
if we was going to hear the cry, and then
we just kept it go on. And that to me
was also important because I had my mom and my
dad here. They're both telling me that they're going to
be back. Yes, Dad always is the disciplinarian, but Mom
takes care of me. So it seems like in his
heart he like, they won't let me. Nothing happen to me.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
I'll be fine, right, And then when he came.

Speaker 1 (21:04):
Back in the doctor was just like night and day.
I don't know what happened. And I'm like.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
Yeah yeah, She's like yeah, he was great. He was great.
So then here we are this morning was his fourth visit.
I believe four visits now, God so slowly, little by little.
On that second visit, well, first visit with me me
because we were on tour. Yes, he didn't want to
leave me me's side. Second visit with mom and dad.
Ten minutes in we left the room, little tentative, but
he stayed, but he stayed. Third visit, we made it

(21:32):
into the waiting area. Then the therapist came out, Hey, Dakota,
do you want to go play with the bubbles? Do
you want to play with the pig? There's this one
tour that he likes this pig. So he was like,
oh yeah, like he knew, gone walked in with her
today when I went today. Dival didn't go today, but
I went today to take him. And as soon as
she saw my car pull up, she was outside and

(21:52):
she took him out of the car. See and she
was like, hey, Coda, good to see you today. Are
we going to go talk? And he went and walked
right in with her. Now he did look back about
three four times. Yo, you go no hot tail it
out of here. So I was like, mommy's gonna go
get some gas and come back. Okay, you're gonna go
with miss and I said her name and he just

(22:13):
kind of nodded, and I said, you're gonna say yes,
and he said yes, and then he went inside. And
she text me a couple of minutes in and she's like,
he's great.

Speaker 1 (22:22):
That's that's progress.

Speaker 2 (22:24):
That's progress already. And then I come out of the visit.
Now she sees my car pulled back up and she
brings him out back to the car and she was
like wow. She said, you guys have really been working
with him, haven't you. And I said, I said, listen, girl,
I said, we don't play games over here. You tell
us what we have to do, we're gonna do it.
And then some she said, I can tell. She said
he's doing way more mimicking. He's repeating, he was saying

(22:47):
help me, he said please. He just so many things
that he's just he.

Speaker 1 (22:51):
Said please, said he said please, because Dakota also been
watching Miss Rachel. So there's two things I know that
he likes to sign, well three things. He will sign
thank you, he will sign please, he will sign more yes.
But she said to work on saying more and sign
it and saying please.

Speaker 2 (23:08):
So he actually please today to her. So she was
trying to get him to do help me please, but
she said that's a little ambitious, just three words together.
But he does help me. And then he did please separately,
which was great because he was reliant a lot on
the sign language too, which in the very beginning when
you're teaching children sign language, it's just an easier way
for you to communicate with them when they're super young, right, absolutely.

(23:30):
But I didn't realize because he's the first child that
we really did sign language with, and I didn't realize
how much of a reliance he had on the sign language,
and I didn't know if that was also interfering with
his actual verbal as well.

Speaker 1 (23:43):
I did think about that because Solving's children slicks children
remember they speak multiple language, and I remember Rema because
she's also big on neurological movement in early child education.
Children who learned multiple languages and sign language typically don't
speak as early as someone who learns one good point,

(24:06):
so they typically they're trying to figure out which word
and which language do I use in this moment, So
at times it could be confusing, yes, and then once
they hit the ground, it's boomed. So at times I thought, well,
maybe the sign language is throwing him off, but it
wasn't that. It was really just us in lack of
lack of repetition. But we also have a really good
village because once we told Papa and Mimi no cocomelon.

(24:30):
Papa and Mimi does not put cocomelon on that television.
His brothers are very diligent because we made it a
family thing. We said, hey, guys, your brother's not speaking
where we want him to speak yet, so we have
to do a better job of not giving him the
things he wants until he repeats. So if he's saying,
you know, juice, don't just go because that's what you know,

(24:51):
big brothers do. He would grab Kiro's hand, Ro Ro
Ro Ro walk Cairo all the way to the fridge,
right open it and point and Kiro would just get it,
open it and give it to him. So now I'm like, Kyro,
you can't do that. You got to make him say juice.
And then Kiro was gonna frustrat. He's like, Dad, he
won't repeat us. I said, start with you just jeah.

(25:11):
So I'm watching him now he's pulling him. He's just
like because Kiro wouldn't give it to him. So I'm like,
these are the things we have to do as a
family to help him get into that repetition of saying
what he wants, not just pointing.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
Listen, y'all, it'd be celebrations up in here several times
a day, okay, Like it's over the top, and like
you said, we do have a great village. Mom and
Dad have now been making sure that they're compliant with
everything that we want to enforce. And just even like
friends and family who come by, like my sister's in
town and she's just like, you have to say cup
cup yep. You know, Uncle Matt is just like, no,
say say this word, say that word.

Speaker 1 (25:43):
Like, I'm glad you brought that up. It was never
an embarrassment thing for us. You know how some parents
get embarrassed and said, oh my child is speech to lake,
don't tell anyone.

Speaker 2 (25:52):
Because we quite frankly didn't even have to do an
episode on this. We could have just been like, all right,
we'll just let it rock. But but why we.

Speaker 1 (25:58):
Have to stop shaming people who learn differently. We're shaming
children who don't do everything on par with the rest
of our children. How about we rally around them. You
can't have the village rally around them if you're too
ashamed to tell people. My child may be a little
delayed because of something I did, or maybe something that's.

Speaker 2 (26:15):
Wrong with he didn't do it, well, I didn't do right.

Speaker 1 (26:17):
You don't know. But our village, all of our friends.
The first thing we tell him, hey, we're dealing with
a speech delayed with the coda. So if he points
to something, if he tells me, try to get him
to repeat. You know, he has all his uncles. Here
is Josh here, Matt here, Uncle Chris comes with my brother.
Were telling everybody in our family, Hey, this is what
we're dealing with. We need you'all to rally around it.

(26:37):
So we implore anyone who's going through this with a child,
don't be ashamed. No, you don't have to feel like
something is wrong and most of the time speech delays
are not permanent. No speach delays or something early. You
can boom and they'll be like I never would have
thought that he was.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
And all it took was a little refocusing on our side,
right because like we said when we talked about even
just like this being our last tour and us just
not having like the capacity to be able to do
it between work and family and stuff. These are the
things that we are taking into consideration, like having to
spend more time physically in the house with our children
because they're all dealing with something different and it's four

(27:13):
different things that one time we have coded with the
speech delay. You know, Jackson had a low moment last night.
We had to talk to him about some stuff like
there's always something that somebody is dealing with and there's
no more power than being here physically to deal with
it head on.

Speaker 1 (27:27):
And not for nothing, Jackson wasn't speech delayed, but Jackson
dealt with a stuttering issue.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
I forgot. Yeah, Jackson was stuttering, which is part.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
Of the reason why we were so adamant about putting
him in debate, because with Jackson, his issue was thinking
fast and trying to get the words out without saying, hey,
let the words come. And Jackson be thinking and thinking
and he's very I forgot the exact word, but he's
almost like a computer when we.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
Take downloading and he's trying to say it while it's downloading,
and it's buffering.

Speaker 1 (28:00):
Buffering, That's what it was like. He was buffering, and
I'm like, bro, so you don't have to rush and
get it out. And then the practice, the constant practice
is staying on him and say the end of the
words and working on different exercises.

Speaker 2 (28:13):
It was a concern for me early on, only because
I'm stuttering runs in my family on my mom's side.
Remember my grandfather. My grandfather studied his entire life. I
have an aunt who's still to this day studies. She's
a lot better now. She's actually an ELA teacher, which
is amazing that I'm proud of her because she's overcome
so much of it. She does still have it every
now and again, but she's overcome a lot of it.

(28:33):
And then another aunt of mine stuttered as well too,
So when Jackson was stuttering early on, I'm like, oh
my god, this this is just like a genetic thing
that he couldn't overcome. But I'm thinking about back then,
my grandfather didn't have the resources within his community developmentally
to get any kind of therapy if that was necessary.
But with us, we did speak to his pediatrician about
it at the time Jackson, and he too didn't seem
too concerned, but he did say, that's probably what it is,

(28:56):
just practicing. So between debate and then seeing Jackson on
stage age at the Apollo introducing you and delivering this
whole speech that he wrote, it was just a proud
moment for us too, because he's come a long way
with that. Well.

Speaker 1 (29:08):
For the past couple of years, he has exercise that
he and I do right, And when I feel like
sometimes he's getting ahead of himself, I say, slow down, Yeah,
say red Rover, red Rover, Win is just really over
and you'll say it, say who, what, where? When? Why? How?
Say she sells by the sea shore And it teaches
him to slow down, say the beginning and the end
of every word, and just those constant practices became muscle

(29:30):
memory because he used to he used to struggle with
the s's, the w's in the rs and it was
like the minute we get to ess and I'm like hey, hey,
and it was like not shaming him, No, definitely, you know,
not doing things like I hear some some parents when
I was in Prototype, had a couple kids who used
to stutter with stammer and they would be stuttering, and
you would hear mothers yo get on stammer and stammering

(29:51):
and screaming, and then their kids would be shocked and
they would be stopping.

Speaker 2 (29:54):
I'd be like yo, yo, like right because for them,
of course, it can be embarrassing.

Speaker 1 (29:58):
Of course, and we're talking about kids who were eight
nine years old. We're still in that development phase, like
their brains haven't really fully developed in so they don't
know what's going on. And we do a lot more
harm to our children by ignoring their issues and then
shaming them in front of other people for not self
correcting their own issues that they don't know that they have.

Speaker 2 (30:15):
Absolute they're not even equipped to be able to do that.
So we have some facts and stats that I want
to jump into just some overall general things that Triple
has come up with for you guys. When we're talking
about developmental potential delays with children, Timely identification of delay
by primary care physicians can allow for early intervention and

(30:37):
reduce disability.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
So, like we said, going through two year old checkup.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
Two year old check and those milestone marker checkups are
super important to make sure that you're on One out
of five children will learn to talk or use words
later than other children their age. Some children will also
show behavioral problems because they are frustrated when they can't
express what they want or need.

Speaker 1 (30:58):
Now think about that, you said one in five have
four boys, right, right, So it means that if you
know one of them.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
Probability one of them may.

Speaker 1 (31:06):
They might not all of them or all of them.
But we knew we were going to get one.

Speaker 2 (31:09):
Right, and we got one. Yeah, exactly, And it's funny.
I do notice sometimes the CODA gets annoyed or frustrated
if he's trying to express what something that he wants
and he can't say the words yet, but he'll get upset,
so he'll just either motion for or sign something that
he wants. Simple speech delays are sometimes temporary. They may
resolve on their own or with a little extra help

(31:31):
from family. It's important to encourage your child to talk
to you with gestures or sounds, and for you to
spend lots of time playing with them, reading to them,
talking with your infant or toddler, and in some cases
your child will need more help from a trained professional,
a speech and language therapists to learn to communicate. One thing,
I also realized that we weren't doing with Coda as

(31:52):
much that we did with the younger boys. For example,
he's in this house a lot. Yes, he's not out,
he's not exploring. You know, Dad will take him on
walks and stuff during the day to get some fresh air.
But Jackson, Cairo and Kads were literally intransit with us
all the time. So when we're in the car and
we're driving around Brooklyn, you point out the building, the car,
the truck, this, the dog. And there was a lot

(32:14):
more of that happening with our three younger boys, whereas
with Coda just be like fresh Prince of fresh Prince
of atl children in the house all day that Now
I'm like, okay, I'm going to be more deliberate. The
weather's getting nicer, yep, I'm going to take him to
the park more. We're going to have moments where he
can go shopping with me, we can point things out
like That's one thing I realized that we weren't doing

(32:35):
with the Coda that we did with the other three.
And research suggests that the first six months of life
are the most crucial for the child's development of language skills.
For a person to become fully competent in any language,
exposure must begin as early as possible, preferably before school age.

Speaker 1 (32:51):
I would have to definitely agree with this. When you
have your first child, you put all your energy into
the first. Then you have the second, you have to
split time you have the third. It's impossible to split
time between two and your career. So it's typically the
third child is the one who gets the least amount
of love. I saw it with my family, my sister
Tori with Sakari.

Speaker 2 (33:12):
Not the least amount of love.

Speaker 1 (33:12):
But you're not love. They don't get the least amount
of love. But I mean, I mean, I will, I
would say love even you know, my parents probably hugged
up and kissed up on us more than they did
my sister, because you know they did you. Yeah, there's
just so much going on and that affection component. When
I watched the speech therapists with Dakota, all they're doing

(33:35):
is playing. And when I mean love that's the type
of love.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
And positive reinforcements, of course.

Speaker 1 (33:41):
But but with Jackson, I took time with love to
let's play with the blocks. With Dakota, I'm not gonna lie.
There were times like, yo, go find your brothers because
I figured he has someone who's gonna play with it.
But these little dudes is on the video game playing
roadblocks and they don't got time for a toddler. It's
unfair as parents if you're going to continue to have

(34:01):
children to not say I'm going to give the same
amount of love, attention and discipline to the fourth as
I did to the first. And I know I'm guilty
of that, absolutely, That's what I feel like it's going
to change. That's like you see huge wake up call
for why are we not going on tour as much?
Why are we not doing as much. It's also just
more imperative that we spend time with them because they

(34:21):
talk about early childhood development the first six months. But
now Jackson is in that middle school age. He needs
still needs dad's attention.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
Oh for sure.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
Cayrol and kas are in elementary school, so they need
our attention. So we're at a point now where it's
like The most important thing is our children and how
they develop, for sure.

Speaker 2 (34:40):
And I think you and I can do a good
job once we put the time and effort into it
by dividing and conquering. So maybe you designating a day
where you're like, yo, I'm rocking with Cairo today, babe, Okay,
I'm doing something with him. And then I'm like, all right, cool,
I got colder, Like I pull out a ton of
books already, Like I've been rearranging the play area just
to make sure that I'm doing those things with him deliberately.

Speaker 1 (35:01):
What you said is something that I noticed too. You've
given them now a designated learning area. Yeah, they had
that when we were in Calabasis. Yes, they had that.
When we got here, we never had a designated learning area.
Whereas this is the time where we're going to sit down,
and yes, and Dakota needs that. That's the regiment they
need sometimes while you get a speech therapist because they

(35:23):
know what this time on these days, I'm going.

Speaker 2 (35:26):
To learn for sure. For sure, children three and younger
showing signs of speech, language, or developmental delays maybe referred
to an early intervention specialist. Early intervention is a federal
and state funded program that helps children and their families,
which is awesome for families if you have insurance. That
was one of the things that Deval and I were
able to look into where pretty much all of his

(35:47):
visits will be covered by insurance because they're in support
of making sure that children have what they need, particularly
when it comes to early intervention specialties and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (35:58):
And that's important because so many families feel like I
can't afford this service.

Speaker 2 (36:02):
So that you just may shy away from me.

Speaker 1 (36:03):
Shy away from minute. All you have to do is
do to research to find out what you qualify.

Speaker 2 (36:07):
For advocate for your child. And I have another friend
of ours who her son is on the spectrum and
she's realizing he had a hearing issue. There's a couple
of things happening and baby. She went to town trying
to find every resource, every grant, every doctor who was
within whatever network to make sure that her son got
every opportunity. I mean, there's some really really high end
schools that are specialized in early intervention specialties. So yeah,

(36:31):
you have to do your research as the parent and
see what's available to you at little to no costs,
you know, So all right, y'all, So stick around. We
are going to come back with listener letters. Hope that
with some helpful information for you all. And of course
we always want to encourage parents to you know, when
the parent guilt kicks in, try to reel that back
in and just say, you know what, instead of making
this about me, how can I spend the energy being

(36:53):
positive and proactive about helping my child? So stick around.
We're going to pay some bills and we'll be back
with listener letters.

Speaker 1 (37:14):
All right, guys, we're back. So we are back with
Kadeen's favorite part because I'm gonna go first today. Hey, y'all,
I need a little advice. So I'm thirty with a
nine year old son and my boyfriend is thirty three
with no kids. We have officially been together for two years.
We have been living together for a year and a
few months now. A couple months into moving in, I

(37:34):
noticed that he didn't want to have sex as much,
and since then we have only been having sex once
or twice a month now. Beforehand, our sex life was
filled with so much passion intimacy, so I knew that
something was wrong. He mentioned a few things when I
brought it up. He said that stepping into a stepdad
role was a lot in him just not being happy
about the area that we lived in. But something was

(37:56):
just not adding up, because what does that have to
do with sex. It would be times that my son
isn't home and he still wouldn't touch me. Then eventually,
after a few conversations, he tells me that my weight
is alarming for him, and I understood because I knew
I was gaining weight and I felt uncomfortable myself. I
am one hundred and sixty five pounds and I'm four eleven.
Definitely a thick girl, but I'm not obese. I put

(38:19):
on about thirty pounds since we met. Thirty pounds on
a four foot eleven frame is a lot of weight
I noticed as a trainer. I'm not judging you missed,
but thirty pounds on a four to eleven frame, I'm
speaking as an athlete when we talk about weight for years,
you know, especially dealing with women. So yeah, now I
know he says it's alarming, but he didn't tell me
how serious it actually was for him. So once we

(38:40):
made two years, I sat him down and told him
I couldn't take it anymore. And I am sexually frustrated,
which is good. You should tell him that. Then he
started telling me how he feels about my weight again.
He's now in the habit of just relieving himself. He
sometimes puts a pillow over his face. What He sometimes
puts a pillow over his face when we have sex
and does not try to please me anymore. And it

(39:01):
dawned on me he really can't stomach the thought of
having sex with me at all, and that fucked with
me heavy. He would still show me affection like kisses
and hugs on a daily basis, So in my head
I was thinking that he still found me somewhat attractive,
but I guess when it comes to sex, he just
can't look past it. I know I'm going to get
fit and slim down just because I want it for myself.
But my question is should I even stay with someone

(39:23):
who can't handle the fluff because it sounds like being
slim is necessity for him, and I don't want to
feel like I have to constantly look a certain way
for him to accept me. Thank you for reading love y'all.

Speaker 2 (39:37):
Who that was a lot. That was a lot. I
will say, first of all, you getting into whatever shape
that you feel most comfortable with. Has to start with
doing it for you. Yes, that's first and foremost. Nobody
can tell you make you feel you want to have
to do this because you're the one that has to
physically put in the work. Yes, put in the time,

(39:59):
changed diet. There's been many times when devo and it's
only I'm saying I'm using this as a reference only
because it's what I wanted where I would be like, man,
I'm trying to get back after this baby, or you know,
I have something that I want to do or trip
coming up, and I want to fit into a certain outfit.
And he was holding me accountable because I said I

(40:19):
wanted to look a certain kind of way.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
That's fair, but I also wanted you to look a
certain way. I don't want that to be to go.

Speaker 2 (40:25):
Oh yeah. I was going to give your chance to
say that too, because that's also very necessary. But I
wanted to be able to feel comfortable with myself. But
I had to be the one that was ready to
do the work. That being said, sis, I think it's
unfair if your guy met you a certain kind of
way for you to then let yourself go that far

(40:46):
and then not take into consideration that how that might
affect him. And that's just me being completely honest. I
like I in my circumstance with Devo, for example, I
know that Deval likes when I'm in shape, he likes
when I'm fit, and I felt like I wanted to
get back to a space where this is when Deval
met me, I looked like this. I want to be
back there for him as well too. Now does it

(41:09):
mean that he's no longer going to love you if
you gained thirty pounds, Now that's a problem.

Speaker 1 (41:14):
That is because Cadeen gained forty pounds with Jackson and
I still loved her. Yeah, and I mean I still
loved her like the fluff and forty pounds on a
five foot five frame is still a lot of weight,
but it was distributed nicely. So again, in my in
my defense, I was still in love with how she
looked even before she gained weight. But I also knew

(41:36):
that that was temporary. I knew that there was going
to be a process. I also want to add this
that doesn't only go one way, right My group friend
my friend group, especially my fellas, we talk about how
we look for our wives and we will clown each other. Like, dude,
you were a professional athlete or a collegiate athlete, and
that woman met you with a six pack, she was

(41:58):
tall and strapping. And now you're retired and you let
yourself go, and you still expect that woman to be
ready for what you want sexually. That's not fair to her.
And to be honest, I will die on this hill. Okay,
I would die on this hill. Women will tell you
and the heartbeat, I want a man who's six footing up.

(42:18):
Men can't control their height at all, but women are
fine saying he got to be six foot, he got it, okay.
So when a man says she gotta be twenty eight
inch waist, you can't then say that's unfair, right the
same way you'll say, well, there's some women who can't
control their weight, that's true, but no man can control
his height, and women don't have a problem saying that.

(42:40):
So if we all have standards, which you have to
do is find someone who has the same standard that
you have. Don't lower your standards, but also don't ask
someone to lower their standard. If you have a standard
that you expect your partner to uphold. And I would
die on this hill. I love to be okay, I

(43:01):
hate the beard. I say this all the time. I
don't like it. It makes me itch. My wife loves
the beard. But I also understand this. I have a
responsibility to be my wife's fantasy. If I'm going to
ask my wife to dedicate her life and all her
sexual exploits to me, I can't then tell you give

(43:21):
me all of you, but give me all of you
the way I want you to give me. Only that's
not fair. There's a give and take, and part of
that giving intake, for both men and women is being
in shape.

Speaker 2 (43:31):
That's essentially what I was getting at. And I know
it might sound harsh and some women may not agree
with me when I say, girl, you got it, Like
just gaining thirty pounds is not okay. It's not okay.
First off, for your health, health, for your own health
and well being, that's the first thing. And forget vanity,
forget vanity on a frame as that's four eleven gaining
that kind of I don't know how fast the way

(43:51):
it came on too, but that's just not healthy.

Speaker 1 (43:55):
And if she has a thyroid issue, please give us
that in the context so we understand.

Speaker 2 (44:00):
Oh, she didn't and give us.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
Context so that we understand, like, well, you can't control
the weights waiting circumstances when you say I just gained
thirty pounds.

Speaker 2 (44:09):
Right exactly, And it's just like I know, personally, I
am motivated to stay in shape for myself first and foremost,
and then for my husband, Like literally, I feel like
he deserves to have the best version of me. Vanity aside,
Deval and I were like, Yo, we're both turning forty.
We're making the necessary changes so that we can live
this life as long as we can control it as
long as possible together, and it starts with health. That's

(44:31):
why even preparing for the tour, us working out, changing
our diets, doing it together, you know. And maybe he
should be rallying around her if your goal is to
now lose this weight, be like, babe, can you support
me through this posive process so I can get back
down to size. But I can understand how it's heart
wrenching for her to feel like, damn, like my man
has to put a pillow over his face and he
can't stand the side of me while having sex like

(44:52):
that has to be heartbreaking, and I feel for her
with that.

Speaker 1 (44:54):
But This is also a bigger issue, right, Why doesn't
he feel comfortable saying, hey, you know, seems like you
put on a little bit of weight. Is everything okay?

Speaker 2 (45:04):
She did say that, though she said he asked right.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
No, she said, at first he stopped coming on to her,
and that's when she started asking. And my thing is,
as a man, you should say to your partner, if
this someone you want to spend the rest of your life,
well say hey, babe, I notice you put on some weight.
Are you okay physically? Is everything okay? If everything's okay,
it's like, yo, you know, how about we go to
the gym together? How about we do this together? But
you have to express it before it becomes a turnoff

(45:29):
to where you can't look at your partner anymore, because
now what you're doing is projecting whatever issues you have
with her weight on her. She doesn't know why, but
now she's becoming insecure, and if she becomes more insecure,
she's not gonna want to work out anymore.

Speaker 2 (45:44):
Like I've watched that.

Speaker 1 (45:45):
Remember when I when I used to train athletes, I
also train their parents. Seventy five percent of the athletes
I trained were from single moms, and those moms were
over was overweight sometimes and I said, how did you
get overweight? And they would tell me stories, but I
was like, you know, I didn't realize that. So I
had this child that's trying to gain weight. And then
my husband never said anything, but I noticed that he
was less affectionate. And then once I realized he was

(46:07):
less affectionate, I got down on myself. And then once
I got depressed, the weight kept coming.

Speaker 2 (46:11):
So it was almost like it's a psychological attachment.

Speaker 1 (46:15):
Yeah, And it was a cycle that as a man,
if you realize that your wife is gaining weight in
a way that you don't like it, or something that's
not helping you say it before it becomes an issue,
that becomes a bigger issue.

Speaker 2 (46:28):
Weight is just so sensitive for people, though, so I
can understand why maybe he might have been apprehensive because
weight is sensitive man or woman. I think it's hard
for some people to figure out how to say it.
I guess maybe in a nice way or in a
caring way, on a way that's going to be received.
And I just thinking from the sensitivity standpoint, let.

Speaker 1 (46:42):
Me ask a question. Name a topic that's too sensitive
for you and me to discuss.

Speaker 2 (46:47):
I know what we're different.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
No, no, no, then we're not different.

Speaker 2 (46:50):
We're different or we've gotten to this point. But it
wasn't always easy.

Speaker 1 (46:53):
It wasn't. But my point, it wasn't easy because weight
used to be sensitive for you for.

Speaker 2 (46:56):
Sure, used to be absolutely, especially after kids.

Speaker 1 (47:00):
But my point is this, being sensitive about something doesn't
give you the right to ignore it the same way
we just talked about these kids, right, and maybe having
a learning delay or a speech delay is sensitive. So
does that mean we ignore it.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
No, we don't have to attack it hard conversation.

Speaker 1 (47:16):
And that's my point with couples. Couples that's all the time,
how y'all keep the spark, But when we tell people
sometimes how we keep the spark that.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
We received well?

Speaker 1 (47:26):
Right, part of keeping the spark is trying to keep
yourself the way you attracted your partner. This is something
people don't want to hear. Being attracted to someone is
part of the process. That's part when you meet someone.
You don't meet someone with telepathy and say this person
is brilliant, I'm going to fall in love with them.
You meet them first, something about them attracted you to absolutely,

(47:47):
And I think that the best way to keep the
spark is to try to keep yourself to where you
felt like you was at your best. And me and
my homies and I'm speaking to a lot of dudes
to listen to this too. We have a three month
body check.

Speaker 2 (48:02):
A body check.

Speaker 1 (48:03):
O yo yo, when the last time y'all been in
the gym? Serious? And then yo yo, put your picture,
put your X. I don't want to say the names
because put your picture in the chat? What the fuck
are you doing?

Speaker 2 (48:18):
No, you're right. I've heard your the phone with your
brother recently and you got on the phone with his
wife and was like, Sis, you got to make sure
that he's not doing X y Z. He needs to
be there for you and the kids. Like It's true.
That's just how we speak. We're very, very transparent and
blunt about it.

Speaker 1 (48:32):
Yes, I said, yo, bro, you you just got married.
Your wife met you a certain way. You think that now,
since you got a woman and she's gonna cook for
you and stuff, that you can just eat your way
into an early grave and not be there for them.
Plus that woman met you a certain way and fell
in love with you a certain way. This is gonna
come a point where you're gonna be like, yo, babe,
how come you ain't doing this no more? Nigga? You

(48:53):
don't look the way she went like, that's come on.

Speaker 2 (48:56):
That's just what it is, y'all. Man or woman, it
don't matter. It's not insensitive. It's just what it is.
What it is is what it is, like, it's what
it is.

Speaker 1 (49:06):
Yes, it is what it is. You can't avoid it.
If you love your partner as much as you say,
take care of yourself for yourself but also for them.

Speaker 2 (49:13):
Absolutely, that's just the fact. Absolutely, good luck to your
since I know you can do it. I know you
can do it, and you already said that, you know
that you want to do this for yourself. Start there
and he's going to feel the effects and the benefits
of it. But if you and your spirit feel like,
you know what, I don't want to be with somebody
in the event that I lose this weight and then
say gain it back later you have a child or something,
and that's going to be an issue again, that's worth
having the conversation with him about.

Speaker 1 (49:34):
While we on this topic, I hope we get to
a second. But I haven't ask you a question as
a woman, why do we see so many women right,
who will bad get into a relationship right kind of
lose themselves a little bit, right, lose their man and
then like, oh, the best way to get him back
is to become the best version of myself. Why didn't
you stay the best version of yourself when you was

(49:56):
with him?

Speaker 2 (49:57):
Valid question?

Speaker 1 (49:58):
And I'm asking I somebody who actually a couple of friends,
and I was like, Hey, why do they do that
to self sabotage?

Speaker 2 (50:05):
You got comfortable, you know, was in love, you know,
gained a couples, then things gonna work out and then
babies a batty again.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
I'm gonna get I'm gonna get him back by It's like,
don't get him back by doing that? Do that while
he is can be like.

Speaker 2 (50:17):
Because that's a conditional thing. You have to do it
for yourself. You have to want to do it for yourself.
If you're doing it for some other outside resource, I
mean outside person, it's not sustainable.

Speaker 1 (50:28):
What you just said is the answer.

Speaker 2 (50:29):
It's not sustainable.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
Anybody who's only working out to hit the scene. The
minute you hit the scene and find somebody, you won't
work out no more because you was never doing it
for yourself to begin with. That's the why I started
with doing it. You got to do it for yourself
so you can sustain it for sure.

Speaker 2 (50:43):
That's the truth, absolutely, all right. Second one, we'll go
to this one real quick. This one is a short one.
I love y'all so much, love your bag. Okay. My
first mistake was accessing my husband's already logged in Facebook account. Yall,
I know, she says, I know, and cas well. I
went to his search box to see who's been checking
on and he had been searching his ex at least

(51:07):
monthly for months. It made me feel the type of
way initially, does he want to be with her or
miss her? Then I self reflected and realized maybe we
all think of our exes every now and again. I
don't consistently search anyone, much less an ex am I
under or overreacting. How would you approach it? Asking about

(51:27):
it isn't going to change the fact that he's curious
enough to search in the first place. He dated this
girl in high school two thousand and four and they
hadn't had any communication since before we got married. We've
been married thirteen years. Thoughts, Thank y'all, hope this makes
the podcast. Love you both. Why are you laughing. Got

(51:47):
two thoughts, right, okay, thoughts all right.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
First thing, I never judged people right because you never
really never know someone's situation.

Speaker 2 (51:56):
Right.

Speaker 1 (51:57):
The first thing I thought was, damn man, when you're
looking at you exes, like, is that the one that
got away?

Speaker 2 (52:02):
Huh? Right, But it's the first thing.

Speaker 1 (52:03):
But I will say this, I don't think that anymore
because she says that she he hasn't looked her up
since for like thirteen years, right, So he wasn't thinking
about her for thirteen years, right. So it could have
been somebody crossed his past, like oh have you talked
to so and so recently? And now he's like, oh,
I haven't, or someone sent him the profile check out
so and so and then he looks and then updates.

(52:24):
Because I know this for a fact. Social media becomes addictive.

Speaker 2 (52:27):
Right, you see, it's a rabbit hole.

Speaker 1 (52:29):
It's a rabbit You post something and then you post
to see what they post.

Speaker 2 (52:32):
Right.

Speaker 1 (52:32):
It doesn't mean that they're in love something.

Speaker 2 (52:35):
Like oh shit, I haven't like heard about this person
a long time. I've searched an x before on to
talk about that. But it was a similar But it
was a similar situation where his godsister had reached out
to me because she was getting tickets for her friends
for our live show. Actually, and then she was just like,
oh my goodness, like how have you been? Like we
love like the family has watched how you have like
blossomed you and your husband. We love you guys, you know.

(52:57):
And then she mentioned like, you know, I asked how
he was doing when how the family just out of
courtesy because we're having the back and forth, and then
she's just like, oh, he's great, like has two kids,
blah blah blah. And I went and looked to see,
oh yeah, and then it was nothing. There was no interaction.
I didn't feel no kind of way. It was like, okay,
great to see this somebody who I used to date
back in the days doing well, and it was nothing attached.

Speaker 1 (53:17):
It's funny you say this because you also told me
that you recent I felt in no way about it
when you told me about it. So this this is
also says a lot about their relationship. Ask yourself, why
does it bother you so much? Of course, ask him why.
You then ask yourself why it bothers him so much?
Because when you told me, you look up the person
the first thing wasn't my mind was like are you

(53:38):
in love with that person?

Speaker 2 (53:39):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (53:39):
It was just like, oh that's interesting. You know what
I'm saying, Like my mind just never went.

Speaker 2 (53:42):
There, never went there. And I'm wondering what was your
reason for going to the search box and did you
eventually go to the message box the inbox? Like you know,
it could be like you said, a rabbit hole, but
it doesn't seem like there was anything more than just
the search bars. And you know, being married thirteen years,
it really could have just been something as innocent as like,
you know, we see how she looked now, because you
know she looked good then, but then here we are

(54:04):
thirteen late, thirty years later, she might not like I
don't know, We'll.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
Say this too. And I know this is I have
a couple of boys who live this type of lifestyle.
Is somebody cheating on you or looking to hide something
from you, they're not gonna have their Facebook open for
you to see.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Anything that the fact.

Speaker 1 (54:20):
Unless he's like a Jedi, like a Jedi mind trick cheater,
and he's just like, I'm gonna just delete everything and
leave it open so she you know what I'm saying.
But most of the time, niggas ain't that smart. Most
of the time niggas is logging out of everything, keeping
their laptop closed. They sleep with their phone underneath their pillowup.
True most times, and I'm not I can't speak for them.
I don't know. But most times, the men that I

(54:41):
know who keep their stuff open and their wives find something.

Speaker 2 (54:45):
It's like there was nothing to hide hide.

Speaker 1 (54:47):
And sometimes women, if you look for something, you're gonna
find it, you know what I'm saying. Like, you look
for it, you're gonna find it.

Speaker 2 (54:54):
And are you gonna find something to find something? Like?
Why you search it?

Speaker 1 (54:59):
Right? I just there's no messages, there's no pictures.

Speaker 2 (55:02):
I searched, that's it.

Speaker 1 (55:03):
And it could have been the same thing. What if
I was looking for you? Why did you search up
so and so? Because I spoke to the god sister
who bought tickets to our podcast towards she mentioned that
he was on Facebook. I wanted to see how he
was doing. It could have became a thing if I
wanted it to become a thing. But you know, when
you're confident in your space, it's like certain things like that, right.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
And then also too, I mentioned it to you because
it really was nothing. It was just like yo, like
they have kids, not blah blah blah, he's married, great, good
for him. Like it was totally just like in passing conversations.

Speaker 1 (55:34):
Also, people don't take everybody doesn't take social media serious.
Like I've had people ask me through DMS. You know,
I got a question about social media, like what boundaries
do you and Kate put on social media? For likes?
And it's I said, miss, we don't put boundaries on
social media. Social media is not a real place. I
don't feel like I have to put boundaries on my

(55:54):
wife with social media because they exist in a world
that is not digital. You know what I'm saying. Some
people really don't give a shit about social so it's
like me searching up somebody on the social to see
what their life is like that it's not that important, right,
But then there are some people who's like, now that's
a violation. That's cheating. If you type your excess name
in the search bar and you hit search, your cheating.

(56:15):
Like there's this people why they have to speak to
each other and create their own boundaries. But for me
and k no, I could care less. Like k looks
up stuff on social media. Her and her friends group.
They got dick pics that they be sending each other
and ship like me and we look at ads and
TV off like you know, you got single guys in
the group they like yo check shorty out like it

(56:37):
is what it is? I got eyes, got eyes right,
but we don't. We don't exist in the digital world though,
so it either I could care less to be honest.

Speaker 2 (56:48):
All right, If you want to be featured as one
of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice
at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (56:54):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (56:59):
All right, time the moment of truth the topic today.
We're talking about Dakota's Miuth speech delay and what we've
been doing to make sure that he is set up
for success as we move forward, so he can be
the brilliant two year old that we know he's growing
in to be.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
My moment of truth is very very simple. Don't put
your child in a deficit because you're too ashamed to
ask for help. It's that simple. If this life is
about them, you can't be concerned about what other people
may say about you or your parenting style. If you're
requesting help, don't put your child in a deficit because
of that.

Speaker 2 (57:33):
That's a good one. Maybe. I think my moment of
truth is that us as parents do also need to
give ourself grace because there's so many things that we're
juggling on a day to day basis, and as long
as you catch it early, you reassess where the priorities
should be lying, and then you make the necessary steps
to make those changes immediately, then you will allow your

(57:56):
child to prosper. And that's exactly what Daval and I
did feel in the moment with Coden. Once we figured
out something maybe a little off, it's like, what are
all of the things that we can do to make
sure that he's going to be okay? And that's putting
our feelings aside, putting our pride aside, and just making
sure that at the root of everything the child is first.

Speaker 1 (58:17):
Yes, and lastly, it is not your parents' responsibility to
raise your kids.

Speaker 2 (58:22):
Or the babysitter or the nanny or whoever.

Speaker 1 (58:24):
As a parent, you have a responsibility to be a parent.
Putting it off on someone else is unfair.

Speaker 2 (58:30):
And even in school like baby, are in this with
our children and their educators. It is a group team effort,
and we work in conjunction with all of our children's educators,
so that's another important thing to note, all right. Be
sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive dead
Ass podcast video content as well as more family content

(58:52):
from the ellisis. And you can find us on social
media at dead Ass the Podcast, and you can find
me at Kadeen I Am and.

Speaker 1 (58:59):
I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and pick up your
copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting
Everything you want out of your relationship.

Speaker 2 (59:09):
Oh and follow me on TikTok, y'all, because I'm very
unhinged over there. I've been starting to dabble more into
the TikTok market. Yeah, so it's gonna be fun over there.
It's gonna be fun over the Me Me Me, Me,
Catch Me outside dead Ass Cut.

Speaker 3 (59:23):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast
on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
miss a Thing