Monogamy: Expectations vs. Reality

Why do some women want monogamy if they can’t meet all of their partners’ needs? That’s Devale’s question for Khadeen this week as the Ellises talk about where their sex life is after 10 years of marriage. How do their standards for sex match up? What do they consider intimacy? And is monogamy really worth it? Find out in this episode of Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Yo. I say this with all due respect to me
or in general in general. But however, having sex should
not be a chore. And if it is a chore,
and you know it's a chore, you should not demand

(00:20):
or push monogamy on your partner. Okay, that's fair. Fair?
Are you looking at me like that? I'm not I'm
just who am I supposed to be looking at them?
It's just me and you were here. Well, I thought
that my sex drive would have been renewed with the

(00:41):
vow renewal, But since that ship ain't happened, my sex
drive ain't happening either, dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and
where the ellises. You may know us from posting funny
videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as
a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me therapy most days.

(01:05):
Oh and one more important thing to mention. We're married, Yes, sir,
we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't
want to talk about. To the lens of a millennial
married couple. Then ass is the term that we say
every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually
saying facts. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

(01:26):
the truth. We're about to take pillow Talk to a
whole new level. This is dead ass story time. I'm
gonna take y'all way back to last night. All right,

(01:47):
By this time, you guys have already seen the promo
video and videos and pictures that we spent time Indebellar mansion,
and you see Codeine Harhole get up on her whole world.
Her face was beating like Brooklyn slash nineties slash Barbie.

(02:07):
We also we saw, yeah, we saw, we saw story
times in my time. So she had on the whole
face beat. The baby heirs was laid the rhind stones.
She had about seventy seven pounds of weaving her here right,
So the whole day she knew I was looking at her.
Y'all saw the way I was looking at her, right,

(02:28):
and y'all saw the videos, and everybody was putting like,
it's the way that I'll be looking at cadem for me.
It's the way he looks at her for me. So
everybody saw the way I was looking at her. Right.
Which I didn't know was that she had that same
hairstyle three days in a row with the makeup because
it took three days to film everything. So the first
day she said, yo, I got you. At the end
of the shoot, I'm gonna let you mess this up.

(02:50):
I know how you, I know how you like to
do some I'm like, let's go. We're gonna mess this up. Right.
We get done filming yesterday, we get home, I'm tired.
I need to go take a nap and chills. That fine.
She said, I'm gonna leave my I'm gonna leave my
face on in my hair for you, daddy. I'm gonna
leave it on for me, right. So I was like,
all right, cool, I'm gonna leave it on. So we
go to my homeboy's house about seven o'clock because I

(03:10):
go to workout. We bring the family so we can
spend some family time together. When we get back to
the crib, I'm like, boom, it's ten o'clock. Jackson's already
going to bed, so it's just me and wife. So
I'm like, you know, it's about to go down. She
sit down while we're about to watch Green Leaf, and
she started taking the wave out, talk about okay, for

(03:34):
that's the show. I don't even know what I knew
what time it was at night, but she wants to
watch green Leaf. So I'm like, you want to watch
the episode of green Leaf? Don't watch episode? Thought he
died but he turns out he ain't it, so don't
want it. You know, you don't want the show. So
so now she got to put on green Leaf. She
start taking a weave out. So now I kind of
got an attitude. So I'm like, you said you was
gonna let me mess it up, but now you're taking

(03:55):
a week. So now I'm kind of mad. So I'm like,
you don't even wanna watch green Leaf no more. She's like,
you don't want to watch one episode? She already faded
and half sleep right, So I'm like, no, let's just
go to bed. So we go upstairs to go lay
in the bed, and I guess she sensed that I
had an attitude, so now she's just like, damn, I'm
gonna have to, you know, fulfill my promise. So I'm

(04:17):
just I'm not saying nothing because I had already decided
that I was gonna let this go tend years a marriage.
I'm not gonna be on her about it, right, So
now we're laying in the bed, She's like, can we
watch one episode of green Leaf. So we turned green
Leaf from we laying in the bed. I'm on my
side of the bed. I put the covers on, so
I'm like, don't touch me, you stay on your side,
and saying on my side, I don't even want to
be aroused. She gonna come school her butt on me

(04:39):
and leaning on me, and then tapped me on my chests.
Right we were twenty minutes in the green Leaf. Right,
tapped me on my chest. I look over at her.
She looked over at me. She's gonna say to me, Mom,
I know you listen to a part of my friend.
She don'ta say to me, you feel like em plessing
she laying in the bed, she got her face to
half beat the Mindstones is still here, still the baby here.

(05:03):
He's still laid. But she got this little ponytail sitting
up here, and she gonna lean over at me and
took me on my chance, asked me if I now
I got to perform on her? You made promises to me,
so you know what I did? Y'all? Right? What I
do say yep? And that right there epitomizes married sex

(05:25):
after ten years. Truth is Oh my gosh. Options are
few options are one. I'm trying to pray, but where
are you? I'm all church down, hurt and I don't

(05:47):
know money abuse you. I can't face. I can't fake.
I can't fake. What's left to do? Don't even mind
if you fake it. I just wanted you know. You
know it's a whole lie, attempt to fake it. You
can see right, you're like, you know, okay, I've known

(06:09):
you for almost eighteen We've been doing this ship for
almost eighteen years. Don't be faking that eighteen years next week, well,
by the time this episode years, it will be over
eighteen years. I know, I know when she's faking it.
Truth is um we why are you so tiring? So
no strength? Why why? Well, you know, along with the

(06:33):
violeral nor not being my sex drive was renewed, nor
has my energy been renewed. I don't understand what it is.
It's like a thing like when you become a mom,
you just be tired. You're tired in perpetuity. So you
know what she said, guys, this is and this is
this is part of the problem for a man because
and here's the thing I don't want to say, just
men and women think because we've gotten a lot of

(06:55):
emails from women who said they have higher sex drives
than their husband. So all those statistics show that that's
the anomally majority of the time, especially at our age,
men's sex drive are higher than women, you know, between
the ages of thirty and forty. What the the issue
for me is this, if I'm going to compromise with

(07:16):
you and say, you know what, I'm not gonna push
you for sex when you don't want to have sex
and you give me a date and time and it's
time to pay the piper, I don't want to hear
your damn excuses and men get piste off because then
y'all don't want to even discuss the fact that you
made a promise and whatever men talk about sex women
wasn't like You're gonna have to figure it out and

(07:37):
then what I want to do. No, I don't don't
leave it up to us. Y'all want to be in
this with us, right, absolutely, Okay, I'm just having a
hard time talking to you so exactly. So the fact
that you gotta looking at me just get up. Imagine
how I feel looking at you. I'm trying to be
sexual and trying to be intimate with you when you
got this ponytail sticking up on your head. That's what
I had to look at. You just wanted the whole
week piece. But I didn't want the whole because that's

(07:58):
what I deserved. I just the yes. Next time, you know,
I have you saw that ship in versus pinning it
in because clearly that did not work. Yes, you know
I'm gonna need that. I'm gonna need that. Listen. So,
after ten years of marriage, we've been through several stages
of intimacy nationals. We've been together almost eighteen years. So
where are we now? Where can we go? For me? Well,
let's let's talk about the stages of intimacy. We got lust, romance,

(08:24):
peer bonding, which means being able to face uncomfortable truths
about each other and deciding if we can live with
those truths forevermore or locking it down. You know, we're there,
like the ordeal or threats and tests characterized by things
like babies, mortgages, redundancy, death, going through life cycles with
your partner, um stuff like that. So those the ordeals,
like that's the stuff that we're going through to as

(08:46):
a marriage. And then it's the real deal. So what
happens is is that people as they get married go
through all of these different stages of intimacy. I think
right now you're at the real deal, right because we
have Jackson who was in school, our kids, you know,
out there doing anything, which that's not really in school.
But I feel like your mind be all over the place.
That's fair. I'm still at lust. I think I've been

(09:10):
in lust since I was eighteen. I love it. And
you know what's amazing about about men in general, well
you particularly, because I can't speak for every man, however,
you've been in lust through every phase of everything. So yeah,
I felt my worst when I was nine months pregnant.
When I was in the fourth trimester, it was like

(09:31):
a swollen vagina and like leaky boobs and ship you
thought that it was sexy, And to me, there was
absolutely nothing sexy about that. Like I was like, yo,
I had a baby in me, I had a baby
on me, like we always touching me. So she was
very different leaky boobs. I don't think it was sexy.
Swollen vagina now for obvious reasons, you guys know why

(09:53):
I would think that's sexy. It was very lubricated down there, Okay,
in any events, I am not allowed, based on our
marriage laws and the contract we signed with each other,
to have sex with anybody else. So these urgents that come,
I have to share them with the one person I
decided to spend the rest of my life with, so
that that brings me back to my my my sound bity, right.

(10:17):
I don't understand, And this is what we can discuss
as a woman, because I don't. I don't want to
say it's a man versus woman thing, but a lot
of women do complain how my husband is always on me?
Why is he always on me if sex is going
to be a chore for you that you don't really
want to do. Why do women constantly push monogamy on

(10:38):
men if you know that you don't want to have
to deal with him all the time just wanting you,
Why do you push monogamy on that? Well, who's to
say I pushed anything on anybody? Like? Well, we know
that you pushed monogamy on me. I pushed man out'n
I forced you to get married to me, tom out.
I didn't say you forced me to get married, But
did you not say to me that you wanted to
be engaged and you wanted to be before you live

(11:01):
with me. You don't want a billion dollars. I'm gonna
get it. So that's fair. But we're not even even
talking about marriage. Let's even talk about dating, right, two
people are dating? Typically in society, who asks for exclusivity first?
A woman or a man? Thank you? That was my
whole point. So you were going all over the place.
If women typically asks for exclusivity first, then when they

(11:24):
get exclusivity, say, he always on me, he always want
to have sex. Why are we asking men for exclusivity
if we do not want to participate itt for insects
at the same level as men. We have to think
about what that does to a man. And I don't
think that that's being that that conversation is being had. Okay,
I agree, and that part I agree with, yes, that
women are typically the ones that will ask for the exclusivity.

(11:46):
I get that. Yes, So you say you want to
be engaged. I get engaged. You say you want to
be married within the year. We do that, we get married.
Then you make it seem like like sex as a
chore to your husband. Once again, I ask the question,
why do women who push forth monogamy on the man

(12:07):
they're dating, then get overwhelmed with that man who tries
to provide that monogamy to you. Why do you get
upset when we're trying to be what you want us
to be. You don't want me to be with no
one else? Right? Right? I'm asking this is you don't
want me to be with no one else. So if
I decide that all this testoster w I have I
want to give to you, why is this so overwhelming? Now?

(12:29):
This is what you ask for? Twenty six and twenty
seven year old Codeine was like, Okay, here's the natural
succession of life. Your graduate, you're working, you meet somebody,
you guys are dating. You want children. I want children.
We don't want to wait too long or too late
to have children. So now a lot of people are
waiting until their thirties to have children, and I understand

(12:51):
why we and we at that time felt like, well,
we're doing everything in this natural succession that the forces
that be have given us this timeline. A lot of that, too,
is not knowing that you have the liberty and the
choice and there shouldn't be any pressure to wait. Right. So,
twenty seven year old Cadine in that moment felt like, okay,
so we are dating for a certain amount of tent

(13:13):
At that point, we were dating for seven or eight years, right,
seven or eight years is a bit of time to
be invested in somebody, to not know is there a
future here? What are we doing? So at that point
I proposed to you the idea of engagement. We got engaged,
then it was like, all right, we want to have kids.
I particularly didn't want to have a child until I
was married. So it's like, all right, well we're engaged,

(13:34):
we might as well the next phases get married. And
then naturally, girls get excited the minute you're engaged, and
it's just like, oh, fiance, fiance, you know, he put
a ring on it. It's like the wedding planning has
to commence, like that's just naturally what most women do. Okay,
So that happened and then we ended up getting married. However,
I did not realize that after having children, after you know,

(13:56):
career changes, all of the turbulences that we've been through
in life, that that was going to have a direct
effect on my sex drive. That's fair and me not
knowing that. If I knew it, then I probably would
have rethought, you know what I was gonna do when
it came to marriage and monogamy, and that is fair.
And this is why I like to have this discussion.

(14:17):
And I think we should have this discussion because people
look at us and say, oh, relationship goes, right, marriage
goes They don't know what what is being discussed behind
closed doors, right. So, for example, one of the things
that I have deduced through being married to you for
a long period of time is this. And this is
not a about a women think. Women think. This is

(14:37):
about me and you. I learned that you were never
taught what it entails to be with someone in a
monogamous relationship the same way I was never taught that.
So what happens is is that we both have expectations
of what we think it's gonna be like, and then
the minute it's not like that, we start to project
our issues that we have with that on each other.

(14:58):
So you just mad at me, and I get mine
at you. So the problem is the problem is is
not so much the reality of what happens, is that
we all have this ideal of what it's supposed to
be like. And I'm gonna give you an example as
a man right in my eighteen From eighteen to twenty two,
we had sex routinely, like all the time that was there.

(15:19):
Right once we moved into together and we were living
together in our own house in Michigan, sex started to
slow down. This is before kids, this is before marriages,
before he was working, this was before any stresses period.
This was just you. Sex just started to slow down.
And then also to em two was like college. It
was my first time out of my parents house. Um,
you know, we were living in this utopia that was

(15:41):
college life. And also to um, what was the other
thing that I was gonna say? So we got distance.
We had distance. We had distance, so there was time
for us to like miss each other and be like
to see you again. And when we do, see what
I was getting to. So once we started to move
in together and you see the same person every single night,
the distance that we had, we were in college and
we would I was traveling and we were doing different things.

(16:03):
That distance allows time for you to kind of reboot
your sex drive. For me, I don't necessarily have to
reboot my sex drive. The minute I see you, I
want to have sex. So when we were missing each other,
it seemed normal that we had sex all the time.
But then when we think about it, we really wasn't
having sex all the time because we didn't see each
other all the time. Then when we moved in together
and we see each other every day, every time I

(16:24):
want to have sex, I look to you, it became overwhelming.
So and the reason why I say that it is
because the conversation starts happened was why do men fear marriage?
Why do men fear marriage? And I'm gonna explain this
so that everybody can understand this. When you're a man,
a young man, and you talk to your friends who
are married about getting married, the first thing they do

(16:44):
is say, take your time. Right. They don't ever explain
why because men aren't vocal, we don't discuss these things,
we're not emotional. All they'll say is take your time,
you got you got time for that. You're sure you
want to do this? And they're like, yeah, you're They're like,
you know, gonna change and then you're like, what is
that me? Or don't worry about the ship going to change?
So no one really tells you, as a man, neither

(17:05):
what exactly is going to change and how it's gonna change.
And why it's changing. But I've learned over years why
it's changed and how it's changed. For example, when we
were in college and we were having sex a lot,
and I was at football practice and I used to
go away games stuff like that, we had tom apart.
Right once we moved in together, we're having sex routinely.
Your body couldn't handle it, like like physically physically couldn't.

(17:27):
You couldn't handle it. You will get U t I s.
You will get bacterial infections because it's the same pounding
every day. So as a man, you start to realize that,
you know what, we are not just wired differently mentally physically,
we are wired differently. She can't take everything that you
want to give her all the time. But since no
one tells you that, you just expect that this woman

(17:48):
who wants me to be loyal to her, monogamous to her,
is gonna want to have sex every time I want
to have sex. And it's not until you move in
with a woman and you live ah all the time
do you realize that she can't do that. You see
what I'm saying. Not only are women not being taught
what it's like to be in a monogamous relationship. Young
men are not being taught what it's like to being
a monogous relation. You should you understand what I'm saying. No,

(18:09):
I understand completely because I I experience the same thing.
And that's why I'm grateful for platforms like this or
just our generation of people who are speaking up and
speaking out and speaking to each other about these things,
because then maybe people will make more educated decisions about
whether or not they do want to be married, or
they do want to be in a monogamous relationship, or

(18:30):
you know what actually is involved in that um And
the crazy thing about marriage is that, you know, one
of the things you always hear is like, you know,
you got to compromise, You gotta compromise. Like what happens
when one party feels like they're compromising more than the other,
or one person feels like they're sacrificing more than the other,
then that becomes an issue because a lot of times
we try to meet each other halfway, but you still

(18:50):
feel like you ended up with the short end of
the stick. And it just maybe too because you literally
have a bigger sex drive than me, and for me,
it just takes way more to get me to a
point some times we're even willing to do that. Like
back to your story, it was like, damn, I know
I promised him. I promised him some asks tonight and
I was like, damn, I can't not do this, but

(19:11):
I want to go to sleep, like I really just
want to push my face and go to sleep. Now
here's another thing too, and let's be fair. I'm willing
to compromise, right, are willing? We don't have sex every day,
We don't have sex. In college, we have sex two
times a day. You know we see each other. We
was like rabbits, right, I compromise. And I even said
to you, I'm not gonna push for when I want

(19:33):
to have sex. I'm going to allow you to get
back in the mood and then when you come to
me to have sex, because I want the sex to
be enjoying fas but to be a problem when me
having to reset my sex clock be longer than you
expected to me, and that be a problem. Hold on,
there's a study. There's a study. Was about to pull
up the same quote, pull up the same quote you
pull up. I'm gonna say so that I can go off.

(19:57):
So it's funny. We're talking about this episode on the
way and our amazing manager. To Nora, she was like, listen,
here's the quote that I literally just heard in the
uber on the way here. Most men will happily have
less sex for more peace. Ha that is you know listen, Okay,

(20:17):
the key word here is happily. I agree, happily happily.
Can you see this thing over here is skipping down
the block happy because I get more set, because I
get more peace and less I'm just trying to invest
invision devout right now with his headset and his ghetto ponytail,
just skipping like happily. Hap believe because he's like, you

(20:37):
know what, I have peace in my home, in my
life because I'm happy now this Now, here's the truth, dog,
here's the truth. The type of piece they may be
talking about is a different type of piece. You and
I have a great relationship, right and people ask me
in time, so sex is that bad? And marriage? Why
do you stay married? Because sex isn't everything? That's number one.
Number one. Our relationship outside of just our sex, life

(20:59):
is easy. Like you're my best friend. We have we
have a lot of fun together, I mean we do. However,
sex be a sexist like that that like looming. It's
like when somebody farts in a room and then it's
like the forest like what it's like a farest what
kind of sex? Like listen, it's like a fart in

(21:21):
the room and the should just be lingering, like you know,
that should be that that that fix that fi smell
that like won't escape the room. That's how she That's
how she mean. It's like you know in the cartoons
when they have the green fingers and it's like going
right through your notes like that. That's what sex is.
Sexy sometimes that's how sex is sometimes. But if sex,

(21:42):
if she can describe sex like that, no, dont don't try.
Don't try to try since she says that, right, if
sexist feels like that to you, why does it bother you?
If I have sex with someone else, not sex. I'm
saying the topic of sex, like the discussions that happened
around sex are lingering, even though it's not gonna say
the topic of sex. You said set No, that's okay.
Let me clarify. You please clarify, because you made it

(22:03):
seem like sex terrible. No, I'm not talking about sex. No,
not the actor. You need to clarifix. You need to clarify,
because you just said sex is like a fart. Green
thing is going up your nose, That's what you said.
So if sex is like a fart, then you wouldn't
care if I farted on somebody else. Right, Let they
go out there and just fart. You wouldn't care. We

(22:23):
share with everybody, exactly. You get a fart, you get
at exactly. No, let me clarify that, please, the act
of sex is not the fart, Okay, it's the discussion
surrounding sex, or like the heavy looming tension that sometimes
happens around sex. Because when we do have sex, we

(22:45):
have amazing sex. Right, we are best friends relationship. But
the reason why I was like it was because I
know that the topic of sex, sometimes, as great as
things are, can be a damper Because you always say
to me, sex is more important to me than it
is to you. You always say that it's not high
on your total pole, your priority list. No, it's high

(23:07):
because I know it affects you, so it still has
to affect me. But if I just like wants to
go down the list of things that I need on
a day to day basis personally, then no, sex is
not high on the list, right, So, and this is
just another thing that men always want to hear women explain,
and no woman has ever been able to explain this
to me. If you don't need sex and sex is
not high on your priority list of the things you need,
why does it bother you so much? If he wants

(23:29):
to have sex with someone else, then it quiet throw
marriage away at that point, because it's like, what's the
point I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you why.
The idea that a woman can tell a man not
to have sex with anybody else then tell that man
when he's going to have sex, how often he's going
to have sex, and how he has sex is extremely

(23:51):
selfish and women don't want to admit it, but it's
the truth. It is the truth. The idea that a
woman can say to a man, you can't have sex
with no other women in the world. You can only
have sex with me, but you're only gonna have sex
with me when I want to have sex, and you're
only gonna have sex how I want to have Some
married people are dating people because anybody who says that,
because because because it's even for a man to say

(24:12):
that to a woman is just selfish for one person
to say to another person, you can't do anything else,
but you're only going to do what I want in
the time I wanted. It's selfish, period. But women have
found a way to make it seem like that he's okay,
and it's not. And for men who are married on
in a monogamous relationship, it's frustrating to try to live
in that realm. So it sounds like people some people

(24:34):
need to be getting divorces people they do to not
be married. And if you know early on, unlike me,
will completely admit that I didn't necessarily know early on
that I would be have to be putting it out
every single day, then I probably wouldn't be married too.
I don't blame you, but I don't blame his friends,
co parenting and whatnot. But we wouldn't have been married

(24:55):
married because I feel like married people will be like
or married women. Um, since you're asking about women not
be being able to answer this question for you, then
it'll just be like, okay, so why are we married? Then,
like I guess, along with marriage comes monogamy. That's anonymous
pretty much. So if that's something that women won't be
willing to do, then we should be letting people go see.
But this is my point. When men try to explain this,

(25:18):
you know what women say, Oh, you just immature. You
need to grow up. When you're gonna grow up and
start being a man, when you're gonna settle down. You
know how many of my single male friends have heard
that they're in their thirties and they have multiple women
because they don't want to disappoint no one by trying
to be monogamous and realizing they can't be monogamous, so
they say things like, you know what, relationships really don't
work for me. We can just have fun. Women call

(25:38):
them immature, They say they're dogs everything. So what about
a man that wants a legacy and a family and
uh something past just the sex part of it. Then
how does that fall into play? If it's just okay,
we're avoiding committing to somebody because of sex, but then
now we want a family or we want because that

(25:58):
ultimately that old man. He comes to my point of
why I'm married and why I think that we work.
I of course we have issues within our sex life,
and when we say issues, it's really not have issues.
We have sex three or four times a week, right,
if if it's not into course, we have some type
of sex three times a week at least. Sometimes it's less,

(26:21):
you know what I'm saying. But I would say on
average about three times a week. And we still have issues.
And we still have issues because and and some of
our issues arise in how we get to sex. Because
you feel like, as a wife, even when you don't
want to have sex, you have to have sex. And
for me as a husband or do something sexual. So
for me as a husband is like I want to
accept that from my wife, but I want to be wanted.

(26:42):
You know what I'm saying. I want, I want, I
wanted to be enjoyable. I don't want to lay in
the bed and part right, I don't want to lay
in the bed, and you just like here, come on,
like even though we may have sex like that, that's
not enjoyable for you and it's not enjoyable for me.
So I'll one day out of the three or four
days that it is like a wash because it's like
who really benefited from that? Right? So no one benefits
from it. So that's where me as a husband has said,

(27:03):
you know what I don't want you to feel pressure
of when to have sex, so I'll just wait for
when you're ready to have sex for us to have
sex so that we can be good. We've come to
that conclusion. But then it's like, when you're ready to
have sex, I at least want you to, you know,
put on a nice outfit, make it nice. I don't
want you, now you're ready to have sex, to jump
into it. It's like if we're going to compromise, and

(27:23):
I'm gonna agree to have less sex, which goes back
to this thing men who have less sex to have
more peace because that that daunting conversation. I don't want
to have that daunting conversation either, because once you start
having that conversation, than any sex you have after that
conversation seems like it's not genuine. It seems like it's
not and it's just like, who wants to discuss sex
and how we're gonna get to it and then only

(27:44):
do it, and then it should be wacked because there
was this whole discussion that had to happen before. I
think the best sex that happens is usually spontaneous, which
is why sometimes I don't even have time to be
putting on the outfits because it's just like, yo, I
just popped in my head like let me just go
and you know, perform performing. So we you and I
have also had this conversation because at one point I
started to feel like I was the problem. So and

(28:08):
I was thinking, like, you know what, maybe I don't
look the same way that I used to look. Maybe
it's my beard, maybe it's my hair. Maybe I need
to lose weight, maybe I need the gains weight. I'm
trying to figure out what can I do to make
you feel more in the mood. So as a husband,
I try to I try to take that on. It's like,
what what can I do? And at that point, that's
when you told me you weren't sure you know, saying

(28:28):
so what what? What was going when I was trying
to ask you to figure out what was your step
to figure out how you could increase your libido? So
I really felt badly that you felt that you had
some sort of deficit that prevented me from wanting to
have sex. And that's something I really wanted to nip
in the butt early because I'm like, it's not for

(28:49):
lack of like me being attracted to you or not
wanting to and knowing how much you wanted it, I
felt inadequate. I felt like, you know, I'm the one
with the deficit. If anything, it's not devout. It's funny
you said you felt you felt inadequate because I felt
inadequate because I'm like here, I am a man, I
work out all the time, I don't think, and my
wife is not yet. I'm right, I'm like, my wife

(29:11):
is not into me. And and the thing is, I'm
a very selfless lover, Like I don't just go to
have sex and be like bang bang on mout. I
try to make sure that you're taken care of. So
you felt inadequate, and I felt inadequate. So in me
trying to like unpack, like Cadine, what is really the
root of your issue when it comes to sex. It's
the most frustrating thing because it's like your mind, in
your mind, you're like, okay, I want to do this,

(29:33):
but it's like your body can't like jump start. It's
like it's like an engine that's lost its battery life.
And it's like you're like, you know, your analogy, like
here's like the jumper cables. You know what I mean,
hence the rollover and just eat me out tonight. But
I'm just saying, like you're there with the jumper cables

(29:54):
and it's just like, oh, you know, it may or
may not work. And in my mind, I'm like, it
should just be so easy for me to say, you
know what, this is what I want to do. I
want to please my husband. I want to be all
into it. I want to be swinging from the chandeliers
dressed as all sorts of you know, fantasy things that
you want me to be. And it should be mad
daunting for me because I'm just like, my body just
doesn't well. You You did say that you felt like

(30:16):
after every child, and we have three kids, so it's
like we've had children consistently, you felt like your libio dropped,
and it hasn't it physically your lebt man's own. You
want more kids. I'm like, because you asked me about
let you asked me about legacy, you asked me about
why I'm going to be sexually after that, Like, I

(30:38):
don't know, and I'm scared to find that. A bitch
is scared to find out. I get it. I get it,
trust me, I get it. And Okay, So Okay, so
let me ask this question. You said it was was
it physically your obedient, like, what do you feel like
it was chemically you think? Or was it you're not
you're not feeling colonel, Because I also said, what did
you feel sexy? That's my point. I don't feel sexy,

(31:00):
had my moments for I did, And I mean you
never made me feel as if I wasn't sexy, which
was the craziest part to me because even in my
you know, worst day, when I didn't feel sexy at all,
I maybe had a little extra weight on, didn't feel
like myself. You never, at any point made me feel
like I was lacking something. Well, you weren't. And I
know when your eyes you see yourself differently than not
see you. But to me, I was like, I'm lacking

(31:21):
all the ships, Like yeah, and that's that goes back
to how we project what we want for ourselves, what
we want ourselves to look like on our partner. So
you thought that because you gained a little weight, and
because I remember you said Ariola was a little darker,
you felt like you weren't attractive, So I understand that.
I was like, she's so plush and juice. It was
just it turned it turned me on it over here,

(31:44):
felt like what's that stuff that kids be making? Notay, No,
you didn't feel like play don't know. I didn't feel like. No.
Your analogies are off today between the farts and the
car battery, with the no jumper cables and now gag,
I don't know. I don't know who this woman is.
That's what it slime I felt like. So you felt
like slime. No, you definitely didn't feel like that. And

(32:04):
the thing is, this is what I think women need
to hear. When the man chooses you to be his
life partner, he chooses you for more reasons than just
how you look. So there are certain things about you
that attract me that have nothing to do with how
you look. So when you wake up in the morning
and you you don't look your best to you, to me,

(32:26):
it's not even just about you looking good, it's your essence.
There really is something about you when you smile at me,
the way you smell, you know how certain people have
like that, that physical attraction that goes beyond that is
what it is for me. You know what I'm saying,
That's what it is for me. So and I feel
the same way too. That's what I've always even said
to Like, when you go back to like is it me,
I'm like, it's not you, because I feel like you

(32:47):
could dangle another man in front of my face and
I'll be like, I don't want to you neither, Like
I don't feel like that's the case because I don't
wanta have to kill nobody. Of course, not because I
will kill somebody. Love you aund like our chore life
and whatnot, and not locked up in some cell, you know,
So I get it. So they say that, Um, this
brings me to another question that I wanted to pose

(33:08):
to you. Most marriages that end in divorce are financial issues, right,
But then you have marriages that end because of sexual
infidelities and whatnot. So do you think that at that point,
you know, like saying that marriage is not a big weight,
I mean, sex is not a big weight on most marriages.

(33:29):
Why is it that these marriages end because of infidelities? Um?
To be honest, I I can't speak for anyone else's marriage, right,
but I do feel that people put an unrealistic expectation
on their partner in different facets of their life, and
one of them is infidelities, you know what I'm saying.

(33:50):
So it's like you cheat one time you tech somebody,
you look at somebody else, it's a rap. I'm out
without giving someone the grace to learn what's going on,
especially if people have gotten married at a young age.
Last season and they talked about infidecting my infidelity, yes,
and I was getting flat license here you go forgiving
another Black men and black women are always forgiven. And

(34:12):
I was just like sis quiet as it's kept. There's
women in relationships that they feel are monogamous, but they ain't.
So if anybody's in the dark, it might be you,
Like you just never know. And then and there are management,
there are men in relationships who they think they're being

(34:33):
a monogamous and their wife is not me monogamous. So
I don't pass judgment on anyone's manage. Anyone who passed
judgment on our marriage can't kiss my ass. And to
be honest, I don't. I don't feel a way about
judgment because when we get on the platform to talk
about our marriage, people have the right to have to
have their opinion. So if that's how they feel, less
how they feel, you know, I'm saying I really could

(34:55):
care less. But um what what I have figured out
for myself is that marriage to me, because there were
points in our marriage and I'm like, yo, this is
just seems selfish and I don't know if I could
exist in this. And then you start to weigh what's
important to you? You know what I'm saying, Like, what's important?
Like I said before, you're my best friend and you're
a business partner. You and I have not only developed

(35:17):
a brand and developed a business model that works for
you and I and works for building a legacy for
our kids, but we've built a friendship that I think
would outlast anything. Because when we were broke, especially after
the NFL, you and I were still best friends and
we still found ways to enjoy life and enjoy each
other during our harshest times no money, we were struggling,

(35:41):
without sex, life, we had just had a child. We
were struggling. But somehow through that, you and I found
a way to create a great life. So for me,
as a married man, it's like, all right, I'm gonna
have to make some adjustments in the things that I
want as a man. And like you said, do I
what do I think about my legacy, right, why do

(36:02):
I get married? What do men think of? You know what?
What's the thought process? I know I wanted a lot
of kids. I want boys and girls. I have three boys.
I would like to have a daughter. That's part of
the legacy I want to leave. I want to be
able to raise a daughter who's intelligent, who's beautiful, who
has a lot of self self worth. I want to
be able to give the world a young lady with
those type of attributes, and I feel like we collectively

(36:24):
can do that. So part of my legacy is not
only just doing everything I can for myself or for us,
but it's also growing another productive member of society. And
I want to do that to both a young man
and a young woman. I have three boys. I want
a young daughter. If that means I have to sacrifice
other aspects of my life that may not seem perfect
and what I expected, then I'm willing to do that,

(36:45):
because then I start to realize what I felt was
perfect was only what was fed to me, you know
what I'm saying. And I think that if if people
would have fed to me the reality of being in
a monogamous relationship from young I would have known what
it was rather than creating done it or would you
be like, I'm still doing it now. I'm still doing

(37:07):
it now. I don't I couldn't bail, but you didn't
and you could. So we both made an active choice
and continuously make an active choice to be here. It's
like because prioritizing it is prioritizing, which brings me to
some tips that we have for you guys, for sex
after marriage, during marriage, all that good stuff. To have sex,

(37:27):
you have to prioritize it. I think that's a necessity
for me. I gotta make sure that I'm like mentally like, okay,
days have passed and I'm like, oh shoot, like we
gotta get this done, you know. I'm like, do you
know put it on the calendar for me so I
can remember. Um, there's a natural ebb and flow in
libido over time, and that's important. Ebb and flow. That's
a good way to But that's a good analogy. That's

(37:48):
a good, good little phrase. So you know it comes,
you know, it comes and goes. Facts, don't let your
solo sex life fall to the wayside. The more you
have sex, the more you want it. The less you
have it, the less you want it. In what world?
Doing sex can be a two person activity or a

(38:10):
one person activity. In addition to helping you get in
the mood for partner sex, masturbating can build your confidence.
You don't subscribe to masturbating, you don't like that. I
just don't like it because I have a woman that
I'm in love with that's in the same house as me.
So you know, it just doesn't really doesn't really do
much it for you because that's like, the minute you've

(38:30):
done masturbating, I'll just be feeling guilty, like I'm masturbating
like that for That's what I got a wife, is
what I'm married for, you know. But but you did
say that sometimes you try to warm yourself up. But
I mean maybe maybe the more you have sex and
maybe the more you get into it. I don't know.
That's a tip. I got a tip in abundance. Inabundance, Um,

(38:53):
if you can't get into the mood, think about what's
going on outside the bedroom. So is there something that's
preventing you from getting there? Are you having other wrestlers
things like that? Um? The reason is simple, what you
do out of the bedroom can affect what's going on
or not in the bedroom, so communicating with each other,
which I think we do in abundance as well. UM
continuing to talk about sex, prioritizing other forms of sexual

(39:15):
touch and intimacy, exploring other forms of intimacy. UM considering
to see a sex therapist. UM. Shout out to to
Shannon sham Booty on a guest on our show. I
think that two seasons we're going to be show. Yeah,
we're actually gonna be Yeah. Absolutely learn each other's love
and desire. Languages could be different, gifts, quality time, acts

(39:38):
of service, Uh, words of affirmation, physical touch. Okay, so
that brings me back to what makes things desirable for me?
So you have said before like it. Yeah, I told
you it wasn't something you were lacking physically. You know.
I was thinking lately you real sexy when you like
wash dishes and ships, like you know, just set up

(40:00):
guy putting in a load of lines, you know, owing
the grass. But we have a landscaper like that for that.
But I'm just saying, maybe like doing a couple of
things around the house that kind of helps a bit.
I know you're kind of spoiled because my mom lives
with us, So you really don't have to do anything
around the house. However, that pilot clothes that you have
on the floor by the side of the bed after

(40:21):
I've cleaned the room up, you know, your side of
the closet, like it would be dope turn on for me,
and it might be a turn on you know I'm
not doing Let's try it. We should try it. You know,
we're going to revisit this whole sex thing after that.
Picks up some stuff around the house that might make
you even more sexy to me. Bro guys, this is
this is how, this is, This is the This is

(40:44):
what happens when God becomes. But this is what happens
when God's become a simple you know, the simple the
word you made us. I don't know if you look
it up. Simps or dudes who just who just run
after and do whatever their wife say. They just whatever
they women want, they do, they do they to. This
often happens to husbands because wives will give lists of
things that they can do to be considered more sexy

(41:06):
in their wise eyes. And then when they do all
of this ship and the wife still ain't putting out,
then what well, I mean, this is gonna be a
trial and ever for us, I can't say that it's
going to be a hit or miss. It maybe a miss.
If it's a miss, and then we know it don't work,
oh my gosh. But on the list of things more desirable,
that was a good try. That was a good try,

(41:27):
you know what I mean. That was a good try.
So how about this? So how about we do this?
So I'll try to do that. If you try to
do the things that I've been asking you to do
for ten years, that's fair. That's fair. That's fair because
if we're going to be fair, I've been asking you
to do something for ten years you haven't done. I've done,
just not consistently or so it's not done. And the
frequency that you want it done as in every day

(41:49):
the ration now that you like the stuff you come
up with, it's amazing, Like you even your own world.
In your own world, you exist in Codeine Lane. They
for del You're gonna say, I am happy, I am here.
You ain't going nowhere. That note I will say this

(42:11):
code Land is great because I'll take what I can get,
but what I do get is freaking amazing. Let's take
a quick break, because you all know how it is
we gotta pay some bills and we'll be back with
the listener letters copy. All right, we're back with Codeine's

(42:42):
favorite time of the show. Right. I want to get
into your sex lives, because y'all have gotten into mind.
You know. Um, let's see if anybody else has parts
in the room or whatnot. Oh my gosh, you know,
people thinking that I'd be farting sex like that. I
cleared it up. I cleared it up. All right. So
the first question for today, Hey val cod Hey, big
fans of y'all, thank you. Do you think it's right

(43:03):
to watch porn when you're married or in a committed relationship?
This is easy. Whatever y'all decide, y'all to collectively. What
is inbounds and out of bounds is up to y'all.
If y'all decide collectively, did y'all want to watch porn? Cool?
If your side you don't want to watch porn? Cool?
But what happens if one wants to watch and one
doesn't want the other one to watch? That's why I
said collectively. Everything has to be done collectively, like asking

(43:24):
someone else was good for your marriage and never works.
You have to figure out what's good for y'all too.
So if they collectively decided they want to watch porn,
or even if they collectively decide that they can watch
porn alone, if it works for them, it works for them. Yeah,
I mean personally, we don't have any issues at porn now,
we don't have an issues with poins. Just like that's
how I learned some of my stuff. I'll be learning
how what I'm saying, Conin, you want to get around,

(43:45):
I gotta flip upside down and we do our own stunts,
Yes we do. They got these things you do with
her left legs. That the left leg movement they left
about left leg And that's amazing because I'm righty sorest sexual.

(44:14):
Remember that the next time you want to tell me somethingboy,
tell me something about me. I got you, I got you.
You want to read the next one? I gotta read
this a long one, right, let me and I got it.
Y'all starts with y'all three exclamation things. Can I be good?
Be good? Can I just say that you guys are awesome?
And I mind the way you all have put your
lives up there for others to see. The marriage is
a beautiful thing. It worked, beautiful thing. It worked, but

(44:37):
definitely worth it. With that said, I feel like we
legit have a parallel life. I have been married for
ten years. We have three whole beautiful children seven four
to my husband and high or high school sweethearts has
been together now twenty one years inserted because that's what
he says. Okay, since I was fifteen years old. I
know my husband is an ex NFL player as well.

(44:59):
We now have full old time careers and I focused
on raising decent human beings. They do southing like us.
We are still madly in love with each other and
we are the best of friends. We have only had
one other. Uh, we've only had one another as a
sexual partner and want to keep it that way. But
I find it our sex life. He's becoming a bit mundane.
I'm very communicative and asking him if he wants to
spice things up with whatever he wants, but he says

(45:20):
he's content and happy with what we do. I mentioned
this past career because I want to be understood. His
testosterone ideal with get it out to start a support
group because you army and I am you. She says.
We get it in very regularly. He can't go too
many days, like two maybe three. Jesus Christ, I did
I write this without it, but it's the same thing.

(45:43):
I want to change things up and also don't want
to hurt his feelings and cause him to feel inadequate sexually.
What do you guys suggest can work to improve in
this area? Remind us whole episode and re listen to it.
Because we are the same people, clearly, Um, I'll say this.
You know, Dean has because she doesn't always want to
share everything about our sex life because you know, some

(46:04):
things have to remain for the imagination. But CoDeeN has
asked me to try some things with her that I
was just like, I would have never thought that you
would even like that or you would want to do that.
And that's my wife. If she wants to do it,
I feel like it's my responsibility to add heere with
whatever she needs. That's and that's just me, Like everybody
doesn't feel that way. But if wife, you say she

(46:25):
needs this, I'm on it. So and for me it
became a thing of like, let's try this, Like since
we're at a point where, yes, we've been together for
a long time, we've been with each other exclusively for
a long time, so it's like she can get very monotonous.
So when you want to start introducing different things, different ways,
different ideas, um knowing that the sex can get dry

(46:46):
and not wanting it to get there, then it's just like, hey,
let's try this, you know. And I think that if
you both are in a committed relationship like you said
you are, you guys are still madly in love with
each other like you said you are, You're still attracted
to each other. Sometimes you gotta call and reinforcements. And
enforcements don't mean necessarily another person, you know what I mean.
It can be some other ship, you know what I mean. So,

(47:06):
I mean you wanted me to use a vibrator one time,
and then I ain't gonna lie first, I was like,
what you need to vibrated for? If you got me,
I did feel like a little like taken back, like them,
like why because she said she doesn't want him to
feel inadequate, And actually, like I have to pull in
other ships to make it work. And sometimes it's not
a matter of just trying to get other stuff because

(47:27):
you're lacking something. It's like, hey, I just want to
add something to my experience, just to try something different. Well,
I mean it is hard for a man to feel
like he's not satisfying his woman enough, especially his wife.
And I'll be the first to say, you're taught from
young you know, like you satisfy your man, your your girl,
like that's your job, you know, so you don't need
no toys, you don't need on this. So you think

(47:48):
that if you're not doing it, if she says she
requires that, that you're not fulfilling your job. And she said,
you know he's outpha male and sinstash on is how
you played in the NFL. He probably feels like he
can solve everything. He wants to be everything own boy talk.
So listen. I I have learned. This is is one
thing I learned. I remember growing up, being in my
teenage years. You thought that the pounding was the best

(48:08):
way to make a woman orgasm, right you You think that,
you know, the bigger, the harder you are, the harder
you hit it. You know, the longer you can hit it,
the more she's gonna orgasm. Until you become an adult
and you start to listen to women speak, and then
you do research and you find out that of women
do not orgasm from penetration, they orgasm from clatoral stimulation,

(48:29):
and some women require clatoral stimulation while getting penetration. And
for some women it's just like, you know what, if
I've been doing this this way, maybe I want to
try something different. So you gotta put your ego aside
and realize that, bro, it ain't even about you. At
this point. Your wife is saying she needs something. You
have to adhere to what she's saying. And I can
empathize with her in that your body changes after children,

(48:52):
after multiple children, so what you might have liked before,
I'm not really feeling it this time around. You know
that happens because we spoke about it on that episode
last season where things that were like here's my analogy again,
things that were like green light, it's now like yellow,
and then things that used to be like a red lightlight.

(49:14):
Hell no, it's like it's a yellow we can try,
or same things that we're green it's like stop red,
Like no, we ain't doing that no more because my
body does not like that anymore, or something. So I
think it's a work in progress. It evolves, you know,
the sex life definitely evolved, especially if you've been together
and been married for so long. So I hope you
all talking about it, having conversations about it, and you know,

(49:35):
being open minded enough to try new things. If that
works for you. Guys, Yeah, y'all keep talking about it.
You'll keep talking about be open, open with each other.
And and good luck to y'all and God bless you. Know,
y'all sound like y'all a great partners in life. So
because it sounds like we should get together, maybe we'll
have our support group and you'll have your support group.
You know. If you'd like to be featured as one
of our listener letters, be sure to email us at

(49:58):
dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E
A D A S S A d V I C
E at gmail dot com. Um, this is my moment
of truth. UM. For men, it's important for you to
understand this. Your ideas of what you think being in
a monogamous relationship is, descratch it. Once you find the

(50:20):
person that is your soul mate that you decide you
want to spend the rest of your life with, that
person will then help you figure out what that idea
of monogamy is right. So don't go into any relationship
saying if this is what monogamy is, and this is
what I expect from sex through that monogamy. You're going

(50:41):
to be disappointed because it hasn't hasn't happened yet. You
and that person haven't gotten together yet and haven't developed that.
Another moment of truth for me is that all those
sex is important for me, and it is that that
the top of my totem pole when things one of
the things at the top of my porple is not
the top of the top, I still want to build
a leg to see. Um. I love pleasing my wife,

(51:02):
you know what I'm saying. I love having kids. I
love being a great father, and more than anything else,
that is what being married is about to me. So
sex throughout all of that is great, But that makes
it worth it. So in a lot of ways that
whole thing about a man will just have less sex
happily for peace in his house. I guess it's kind

(51:25):
of true, because I know that's not true because I
have on many occasions just beside you know what, I
do like seeing you smile. I do like seeing you happy.
I don't want to strust you out with it. And
if you're skipping around and happy, I'm cool. You know
what I'm saying, like I'm uncol and that that doesn't

(51:45):
make me feel good. You know, yes, look at you.
He's just trying to get some tonight, y'all. That's all
that is, just just just just the ponytail down. That's
all I need right there, just like it. I love
it well my moment. The truth is quick. Treating sex
like it's just a random, stagnant thing is just not

(52:06):
gonna work. Sex is always evolving, and it's evolving in
many ways, not just physically, but it's emotionally. It's involving
your partner in it, having the open discussions about it.
As hard as it may be for the other to hear,
I think it's just necessary. So put your egos aside,
put the egos aside, and just really listen to what

(52:27):
each other needs. And then you create your own action
plan in your mind of how you want to shift
that now, something that you know your girls working on
on a day to day basis. I'm trying to make
us all happy up in here, you know what I mean,
genuinely happy too, So that's not something that's forced. Also,
real quick, I don't want to forget the young women
who hit me up who said they have the reverse
who their sex drive is higher than their their significant

(52:49):
others and they said they're they're made to feel like
horrors or they made to feel like something is wrong
with them. No, if you're a young lady who have
a high sex drive, you just have a high sex drives.
There's no nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you.
You know what I'm saying. Try to find somebody who
can rock with you and don't feel a way about
expressing how you feel. Because the reason why codina not

(53:11):
work is because we openly talk about how we feel.
So if he's rocking with you, don't feel uncomfortable, let
him know that you need it more and hopefully he
can adhere to what you need and do what he
needs to do with We gave you some tips, send
me some tips. I got plenty of tips. I told you.
I want to know from the Living with the Overactive
sex strinth, is there something? There's something all right? Now? Well,

(53:36):
be sure to find us and follow us on social media,
dead as the podcast, and of course you can find
Medina I am and I Am Devout And if you're
listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate review and subscribe.
Dead As Go, Get You Some Names. Dead Ass is

(53:57):
a production of I Heart Media podcast network Again. It's
produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcasts on social
media at dead as The Podcast and Never Miss a
Thing