Passport Stamps Build Strong Minds

We rep our city, our town, our hoods – but you don’t know what you don’t know until you’ve been somewhere else. During their trip to Europe, Khadeen and Devale gained some major insight on what America looks like from the outside. In this episode, the Ellises talk about the growth they’ve experienced through traveling the world.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Did as I feel the same way. There's nothing worse
than going to a foreign country and feeling like you're
the stoopid one because you don't know another language. Is
that the stone? Where are you sis? Facts? Well, Hey,
I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us

(00:35):
from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other
publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you
need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing
to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast
to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
things most folks don't want to talk about through the

(00:56):
lens of a millennium married couple. That ads is the
term that we say every day. So when we say
dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillow
talk to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

(01:16):
I'm gonna take you guys back to summertime, two thousand
and eighteen. Um Kas was just born the previous November.
Kyra was born the previous September to that, so Jackson
had to be seven. Yes, Jackson was seven years old.
And we had booked a Gellette campaign that was shooting

(01:38):
over in Spain, and we were super excited about it.
Father soun opportunity to go to Madrid, and we get
to Madrid and everything. Of course it's in Spanish because
we're in Spain. And the whole time I'm making do
you know what I'm saying? Ordering what I knew out

(02:00):
of order over the phone, and Jackson's laughing at me
because of how I say casa dias and I was
ordering pizza from Pizza Hut. But then they got real
serious when we had a day off and we weren't
shooting and we wanted to go to see the city
a little bit. So we go to Madrid. We go
to a couple of museums and I was on the
bus line and the guy was just like, hey, it's

(02:22):
very simple to get to wherever you want to go.
You stay on the bus line, go this way, go
that way. Boom. So you know me, I'm a I'm
a traveler. I think I know trains in direction pretty well.
I mean, if you could travel New York City so
were exactly, you could travel anywhere, right, So I think
it was easy. So we got off the bus line,
so doing a little bit more traveling, and Jackson says, hey,

(02:44):
I gotta use the bathroom. So I'm like, all right, bet,
let's all run into this museum. We get to the museum,
and of course you got to pay to get into
the museum, so I had to pay for Jackson used bathroom,
which a whole another thing. But then when we came
out of the museum, we came out of a different
exit than then we to it, So now my direction
was all messed up because it wasn't like directly behind

(03:05):
the museum, so I wasn't sure exactly where we were,
and now I had to read the signs and try
to figure out where we were going. So now we're
in Madrid, starting to get dark, and I'm getting nervous,
and we passed this part in Madrid that looks like
Grand on me Plaza. So it's a circle with a
bunch of streets. If you're lost, that's the worst thing

(03:27):
you want to see, is like a circle with a
bunch of streets. And I'm looking around and I don't
want to stop and ask anybody for directions because I
don't want to seem like a tourist. And we and
we weren't in a touristy part of town. And you ever,
if you're in another country, you never want to seem
like you don't belong. And Jackson looks up at me

(03:48):
and goes, Daddy, we lost. I was like, We're not lost.
I'm trying to show you boards in Madrid. We lost,
and I can't let my son know that we left.
And in that moment, I felt so small Number one,
because I couldn't speak another language. I took Spanish from
the time I was in sixth grade all the way

(04:08):
through college and couldn't remember a damn thing because I
didn't practice it. Like I just didn't. It was about
passing tests, passing your regents in New York, you know
our region saw and then getting my degree in college.
And I couldn't speak a liquor Spanish, and I'm getting nervous,
so I'm walking around trying to remember you know that
the New Yorker and me started to kick in and
I started to feel like I was getting back on path.

(04:30):
But now I was getting really dark, and I had
the room key, so I said, freaking I go over
to a cab. I pointed the key, I said, hey,
you know, can you take me here? And you take
me here? So then he started to smirk a little bit,
so I was just like, you try to rob me
and something like I felt like I wasn't taken. Now,
I was like, I have a and if you with me, right,

(04:55):
So we get in the cab. And when we get
in the cab, the cab driver literally turns the corner,
drives two blocks and the hotel is right there. So
I don't even remember. I didn't even care. All I
knew was that once I saw the hotel, I was happy.
But in that moment, I felt so tiny because here

(05:18):
I am in front, in front of my son, and
I can't get us to where we want to go
because in my American egocentric mind, English be all the
ends all And I realized in that moment that I
had to travel more and I had to expand my
mind one, two three being around the world. What are

(05:42):
you doing? That's how the song goes on it, and
we've been playing I hated, I hate us. You're singing
a different version of it. I'm singing the bad boy version.
Why he go way? And I don't know where he
can be? My baby been around the world shout out,

(06:12):
shout out, yeah, who since the original? Again, no idea,
you won't look it up. I'm gonna look it up.
I'll come back. We'll do a break and come back
definitely on my playlist. A matter of fact, were actually
about to take a break right now, so we got
to pay some bills. Why are we going to pay
some bills? How about you look that up so we
can give proper credit. I'm going to go look it up.
Is it Lisa Fisher to the Ladies song that you

(06:32):
stole here on that as podcast talk about our seen
the original? No, Lisa Fishers? How can I use the pain?
All right? I'm gonna come back to that, y'all. You
just being around the world, all right, We'll take the break.
We're gonna take a break. We'll get back. All right, y'all,
we're back. And I did my research, and the funny
thing is when I typed in being around the world,

(06:53):
what comes up first? Sean Comb, Lisa Sands. It was
Lesa's ask for y'all. Shout out to Lisa. He was
the original, the originator. Yeah, but um yeah, that Madrid
story that was kind of uh. I know, I probably
would have been asking directions left and right, trying to
recall the Spanish that I did know. And it's crazy

(07:16):
because when I studied Spanish back in school, I feel
like I was in a really good place with it,
Like I was able to I was able to communicate
a lot. You know, you were in the hair salon,
you know they're talking about you in Spanish. You can
just hear what they say, you know, little things like that. Yeah,
I used to go to my little spot there and
I'm just like, they're definitely talking about me right now,
for sure, for sure. Um. But just recently traveling you

(07:39):
and I over to Europe, it's just insane the bubble
that we're in living in America, and how much more
world is out there, and you're you're encountering people who
speak to three or four or five different languages. Yeah,
that's just like the norm for them. Um. And it's
funny because when I first was looking at schools for Jackson,

(08:02):
this is before you know, Kirokaz in Dakota. You know,
first time parents, first time mom. This is my child's
first time going to school. And I don't know if
you recall, but at the time I was pretty much
taking tours at a ton of different schools. I was
looking at public, I was looking at private, independent, and
I actually went to an immersion school, which is pretty

(08:23):
much a school that does two languages at the same time.
So it would be American or English rather, which is
our native language, and then another language, so your child
is actually taught in that language. So right, So UM
Spanish or French was an option at this particular school.
UM probably would have been a dope experience for Jackson.

(08:43):
The school which is too far away from us though
for us to even make it feasible on a day
to day basis. But I can understand that mindset behind
something like that, you know, because I was thinking to myself,
the biggest issue I'd probably have with that is how
do I assist him with homework if I can't even
communicate with my child language that he's learning, you know,
was so um learning at a young age. I hear

(09:04):
kids are like a sponge. Of course you're going to
soak it all up. So we might still have some
time some time kids on kidscas and coda, you know,
or being able to have somebody like work with us
that maybe speaks a different language or something would probably
be dope. Um. But for me, it wasn't even just
about speaking the language. It was just about getting different

(09:25):
perspectives in worldviews. Right. So for example, when we first
got there, um, when we first got to Spain, of
course people are speaking to me in Spanish, right, And
then I was just like, oh, you know Poketo, you
know outloo englass right glass American American? Right, so yeah,
I'm American. And the first it was like a bang
bang bang bang, And I was just like bang bang,
and like, just like, you don't you're afraid to send

(09:46):
your kids to school? And it was eye opening to
me that that's the correlation they made that they thought
about with America, is our kids dying in schools. Like
that was the first thing they said to me, Like
it was like an oh, poor thing, like they felt bad.
And then they were asking questions like how do you
feel sending your kids to school knowing that that could happen?

(10:09):
And this was but Jackson was seven, So that was
about four years ago, four years ago, and here we
are today, but same issues, same exact issues, which is crazy.
But um, for me, it was just about hearing people's
perspectives about America. Right. But then also listening to people
and of course talking about languages, and some of them
just saying, oh, well, I you know, I've lived in

(10:32):
France for six months and learned French, you know. But
I was born in Italy, so I was born knowing
Italian and English, and then I just went to France
for six months. And I'm like, in Europe people just
go travel places and live there for six months and
it's normal for them to get there immersed themselves in
the culture, in the language. And I was just like wow,
Like for for Americans, we feel like America is to

(10:55):
be all that ends, all right, and everyone should just
want to be a part of our culture. And we
say things like, oh, you know, you're hair in our country,
you don't speak English, you know, But then we go
to other people's countries and expect them to speak English,
you know. And it just made me realize, like how
small and narrow minded we are as people when we
only exist in the place that we're born. Right. And

(11:18):
if you take it even deeper, think about black people.
When black people say they travel, right, the first thing
they say, especially black people from New York travel go
to the Poconos. I've been to Florida. I've been to Florida,
you know what I'm saying, anywhere along our you know,
I go upstate. That is what black people consider traveling.
And if you really travel, I took a cruise. You

(11:38):
don't take a cruise and go to Bahamas. You know.
But when we talk about really traveling the world, it's
seeing parts of the world that you would never thought
that you wanted to see. For example, I remember when
you said I have no intention on on wanting to
go to Europe. Yeah, that was true. I actually said
this recently, a couple of months ago. I was just like, yeah,

(11:59):
I'm not I'm not in a rush to get to Europe.
If I get there one day, okay. But for me,
being an island girl, I'm like beach me every day.
And it's like, how many more islands can you go
to into the Caribbean. And I mean one of my
bucket list things is to touch every island in the
Caribbean at some point. And while on my way as
a child um growing up in my household, my mom
made it a point every summer that we at least

(12:21):
took their you know, my parents like a two week
vacation and at least for one of those weeks or
ten days we traveled somewhere. Um. So early on, you know,
I had my passport and I was ready to go
because I saw an interesting statistic. Um, I'd see if
I could pull it up on a break. But pretty
much I forget the percentage of Black Americans that don't
have a passport, like just don't have a passport at all,

(12:44):
much less have traveled. Um. But really early on, my
mom wanted to make sure that we were having that
experience to go different places and then not just going
there as a tourist, I mean to sit and a resort,
per se, but being a tourist and going into the
actual culture, being with the locals, you know, learning different things,
tasting different foods. That was something that you know, my

(13:05):
mom exposed to me, My mom and dad exposed me
to early on. So to think about not having those
experiences as a child, you know, it's just like, wow,
there's so much out there. Um. And eventually we had
the opportunity to go to Europe recently and being there,
I was like, oh, totally eating my words. Yeah, it

(13:25):
was totally eating my words. It was different. You realize
how how culturally different and how we consume their culture
through TV and we think it's going to be one way,
and then when you get there, it's nothing like what
you expected, you know, and I'm pretty sure it's the
same thing for then when they come over here. I remember,
for my thirty five, we had planned a trip to
go to Africa. We're going to Egypt specifically and Cairo specifically.

(13:50):
You know, we have a some name kind right now,
but I hear remember we ran into to Mika Mallory
and she talked about how when she went to Africa
completely changed her life. And I can see now when
you travel places that you only see on TV and
you experience what it really feels like, you then begin

(14:11):
to I don't want to say downplay, but you begin
to to lose this want to watch TV to experience things.
You know what I'm saying, like this need to engulf
yourself in television or the phone to get your information.
It's more like I want to go and that's and
you start traveling. That's what happens, you know, when I

(14:34):
felt this. Most recently, we have been to a couple
of places I could probably just count on one hand
right now, places that we've been to where we feel
some sort of deeper connection with the space, a reverence,
and we felt that when we went to Bob Marley
House in Jamaica. UM. And of course we've been to

(14:55):
Jamaica several times before, we've been to resorts, we've been
out in the country. I've been back to learned it
where my mom is from. But so there was something
specific about the Bob Marley House and being in that
space and that energy. It's something you can't read in
a book. It's something you can't see on a TV
series or watch on YouTube or even through someone else's perspective.
You have to be in that space to understand what

(15:17):
that feels like, to see what that connection feels like.
UM and more recently down in Birmingham, Alabama. That's that's
nothing I'll say to before before we even get to
traveling out of the country. There are so many Americans
who don't understand American history, right. So we there's this
big debate going on in the country about critical race theory. Right,

(15:40):
fuck your thoughts on critical race theory. Travel this country
and go visit the places that you've never visited before
and learn history. You know, you have to call it
critical race theory. If you really go research American history
and the full history and travel to see places, you
don't have to put a title on it. The fact
that we're even having to discuss whether or not this

(16:00):
is going to be in schools or not, I get it. Yes,
history social studies has always been a part of the
curriculum of some capacity. But the history is actually right
here on our soil. And it was a simple road
trip that it took for us to go from Georgia
right over to Alabama. Really experienced some actual history that

(16:23):
we were able to take the children to that they
could see for themselves. That was almost tangible in a
sense because they're able to see, for example, Civil Rights
Institute in Birmingham, what that looked like, living during that time,
walking through that time. That's something that you cannot read
in the history book that's going to be you know,
dictated through a teacher. This this is something I'm going

(16:45):
to quote this phrase. All history cannot be digested digitally.
For example, we took our case to the Civil Rights Museum.
Jackson has heard about segregation so many times, like he's
heard about so you know, I know what segregation it
segation is white only, black only. Boom. We get to
a point at the Civil Rights Institute where we watch

(17:07):
a film on the end of the Civil War and
reconstruction and how the city of Birmingham had to pivot
from traditional slave labor to iron mining so they can
rebuild and become part of the iron industry. So then
he starts watching a film on how slaves who didn't

(17:28):
migrate west because Western expansion happened, who stayed in the
South were still working in the coal mines under the
same condition as to slavery, but being giving the lowest
ways you can give. Then they talked about how European
immigrants came over and was and we're helping slaves, but
they weren't considered slaves because they were white European immigrants.
But they worked together within the same confines with black

(17:50):
slaves all living in shotgun homes. Fourteen fifteen people living
in at home that's about a hundred square feet right,
Jack and started tear up watching this video. Right then
it's over. The screen comes up and it's the opening
of two water fountains that you can actually go to.

(18:11):
One water fountain was whites only. One water fountain was
for colors only and the whites were only. Water fountain
was covered in the iron casing. It was refrigerated, so
when you hit the button, the water came out cool.
The black only or colored only water fountain, the pipes
were exposed and rusted, and when you hit the button
for the water to come out, it came out warm

(18:33):
and slightly rusted. And Jackson broke down because now you
get an opportunity to see what segregation was. You don't.
You're not reading about it and imagining it. They're actually
seeing it. And when you see this crisp, clear cold
water next to this this brown warm water, and one

(18:54):
says for whites only and one sets for colors only,
it's a different experience. Forget calling it critical race theory.
This is American history. This is how people lived in
America up until the late nineteen sixties. Nineteen sixties. And
I think the added layer for Jackson particularly, and we
were talking about Jackson mainly because he's old enough to
really grasp the concept of what was going on, was

(19:16):
the fact that DeVos mom was a part of the
first group of children integrated into the public school system.
So for him to even think like, oh, my goodness,
my grandmother had to endure something like this. My great
grandparents grew up in jim Crow South, grew up in
jim Crow South. So I think it was all of
that compounded with seeing it and being in that space

(19:37):
that made him and then eventually all of us really emotional.
Um at that time. But it's necessary, absolutely, absolutely necessary,
because travel is not just for leisure. Travel is for learning,
and it's finding ways to make it fun too. And
we went to some nice places. We went to the
what was the Museum for Motorcycles um Barbara to the

(19:59):
Barbara Museum, Bibo Museum from Motorsports, and the kids had
a great time. We went to the Vocant Park with
the Vocan Statue where we learned about the iron industry
and the contributions that blacks gave. Once again, they would
call it critical race theory, but it's American history. It's
part of Birmingham history. And when you travel to places
to learn about the history, you're pretty much opening your

(20:21):
mind and your eyes to things that they might not
teach you, and I might not will not teach you
in school. That's just in America. Imagine how much history
there is to learn world history and how much more
perspective you can gain from life if you travel to
different places and just see the world differently. Is that
you know what I only think the world can exist

(20:43):
this way. For example, where a relationship podcast, we talk
a lot about relationships, and if you exist in the
space where my americanized Western view of what relationships should
look like is the only way to exist in the world,
you're gonna be very critical and judgmental of anybody else
who lives a certain way. Then you travel to another
country or another part of the world and realize that

(21:04):
people exist in a safe, secure, happy setting, living differently
than you. It makes your mind go Everything that I've
been taught, everything I believe in, has been curated, curated
one by your parents, because your parents curate your your
concept of life as your child growing up. But then

(21:26):
the government curates your idea of what reality is. With
all of mainstream media, it doesn't matter whether you watch CNN, Fox,
or MSNBC, They're going to give you their curated version
of what the world is. And then we curated ourselves
with social media. Like we said, when you follow a
certain type of people all the time, the algorithm is
going to continue to force that same that same demographic

(21:47):
or the same ideology to you. So your world becomes
very very small. And it's crazy because I think one
of the goals I have at least for our children,
UM and I think it would be great if a
lot of people have this perspective. In raising a little
as i'd like to say, global citizens or as a

(22:08):
citizen of America, raising a global citizen, UM, you then
develop I think, more tolerance for people. You develop a
lot more respect for people. UM. And I think that
just having that broad perspective in general just allows you
to exist in the better I think mental and physical
space altogether, because it gives you such a greater appreciation

(22:30):
for a the things that you have at home, wherever
that is, and then seeing people in the world live
different ways, people who may have less than you have.
It really just broadens that perspective. And I think it
should also along with the tolerance that it builds for others,
UM and the respect, but also just a greater appreciation
for the things that you do have. UM. And that's

(22:52):
what I think our aim is as parents, you know,
hoping to have those experiences for our children. I think
it was great when we had the chance to have
a little bit of virtual learning, because it gave us
the opportunity to move around a little bit once the
pandemic kind of lightened up. Um, I can see why
some people choose to homeschool their children, and I don't
want to work off of a school schedule where they're
you know, limited to being within a school setting, you know,

(23:14):
for hours on end, for certain weeks at a time,
and only give spring break or summertime to travel. Um.
I really understand now, and I'm kind of warming up
to the idea of possibly, you know, teaching our children
outside of the traditional classroom and making the world the classroom.
There was something that you said just now that kind
of Um, it made me. It made me want to

(23:36):
make a point. Um, you talked about tolerance, right, and
we're living in a time now, especially because of social
media and coming off of where we were supposed to
be at a racial impasse. Right, was it supposed to
be like a racial revolution where people were supposed to
understand what's happening now in the world because of Black
Lives Matter and George Floyd and Brianna and everything that's

(23:59):
happening seems like every uh, two decades, something happens. Right.
For for us growing up in the nineties, which were
making three decades, it was Rodney King, right, and then
you know, after Rodney King, there was who was a
young man that was Trayvon Martin's. There's always something about
a decade or a decade and a half that comes along,
and people always ask the same questions, how do things

(24:21):
like this happen? Why are things like this happening? As
if it's just a random act of racism, you know
what I'm saying, as if like why does this happen?
And it even happens with with sexism at times, and
you know, why why did this happen? Or why don't
women make a certain amount of money as men. In
order for you to really answer those questions or be

(24:41):
able to answer those questions, you have to understand history,
and you have to travel right. And when we travel
to Birmingham, Jackson and I were talking about race because
we were talking about the iron industry and how they
had to pivot after reconstruction. So then he said to me,
he said, the Daddy, what I don't understand is, right,
why why do black people why why are black people

(25:06):
treated this way, Is it just because we're black? Like
do they just hate us because of the color of
our skin? And I said, see that question. Is that
is what people are missing when you answer the question,
because no, Jackson, that's not the reason why. For example,
if someone hates you now, is not going to just
be because of the color of your skin. There have

(25:27):
been ideologies that have been indoctrinated in that person, especially
if they're your age, that come from years and years
of programming from history in this country. For example, M
Edward A. Pollard created uh. He wrote a book called
The Lost Cause, and the Lost Cause was pretty much
a book about how um the Confederacy down in America

(25:50):
is was supposed to save America from the big bad
black man, right. And that ideology continued with Margaret Rutherford
who wrote this book on how to prepare children in
America for American History, and they was this part of
her book was called the Sisterhood of the Clan and
it was a bunch of clans men's daughters who decided

(26:13):
that they were going to rewrite American history so that
it showed white people and white superiority as the reason
why America was able to prosper So when I'm explaining
this to Jackson, I said, so, imagine all those people.
And you were there for this moment, I said, imagine
all of these people. On top of that, you have
a movie called Birth of the Nation as the first
movie played in the White House, and it's a white

(26:34):
man dressed up in black face and the kul Klux
Klan comes and saves America from the big bad black man.
Then you have all of these stereotypes and these tropes,
and and you have all of the coonery happening with
black face, where they're showing black people in a dumb manner.
It's programming of years and years of them saying black
people are dumb, black people aren't deserving of being a

(26:55):
part of this country, and we have to save them
from themselves. It perpetuates itself in rap music and in
TV and in film. So you have four hundred years
of the same messaging being delivered to young white people.
And then you say yourself, well, why does this white
why does this young man feel like he has to
drive up to Buffalo, for example, and shoot up uh

(27:18):
grocery store full of black people? And they said, well,
if you understand American history, and you understand that these
young people have been taught from young to hate us
because they feel like we're stealing their country. Right, you
don't agree with them, you understand their mindset, so you
know how to move accordingly. So it's like, how am
I going to teach my kids? Right? How can we

(27:39):
change the messaging so that it so that it changes
in a way where the future doesn't look like how
we live now or the past that doesn't happen without history,
and history is best taught when you travel. I guarantee
if you take any young person black, white, Hispanic, uh,
Latin x Asian to see what segregation look, I can

(28:00):
guarantee you that young person will will grow up and
say that's not fair. You know, basically down to the
fact that there is not fair, the fact that only
certain people got a chance to use that and other
people had to use this, that's not fair. But what
it also does is it teaches you tolerance for young
people who were brought up with the wrong history and
brought up to be ignorant on purpose. It teaches you

(28:23):
tolerance so that you don't walk around with this self
hatred saying I hate that I'm black, because I live
in the world that people hate me because I'm black. No,
I'm tolerant enough to understand that you're ignorant to your
own history, so you hate me for reasons that you
don't even you don't even know exactly. I think that's
the biggest part. It's just it's just the passing down
of It's like a recipe. You passed down the recipe

(28:45):
for a particular dish, and it's just like, Okay, this
dish after a while needs a little doctoring up, right,
And that's exactly where it is. And I'm wondering, and
I feel as though generations starting maybe from us and
then generation after, I think there's a little bit more
of a desire to want to learn those things. And

(29:06):
I feel like the instances that we've had recently, for example,
the shooting in Buffalo, the young man that went down
to the church and shot up the church with the
parishioners he prayed with, Like those couple of instances, I'm wondering,
like if they were exposed to something a little bit different,
if they had a little bit more you know, history,
if they had some more facts, like they were not

(29:27):
within the bubble that they insisted in would something in
their mind have said, you know what, this ship ain't
right right, This ship is just not right right. That's
that's the whole point. The point is you get into it,
you begin to have empathy for people who are brought
up a certain way, but that it also makes you
challenge yourself and said, I wonder what I've been brought

(29:49):
up traditionally that is wrong, you know, or what mindset
that I did I learned that has been passed down
from people who live in this same proximity that are
teaching me things that are bigot trid or all that
are that are bigotry, or that the teaching me hatred
for other people. And it makes you open your mind
just that you know what, before I attack or condemn
or judge someone, let me at least try to understand

(30:11):
their perspective. And traveling will humble you because when you
get to a place where you don't know something, you
feel small and you can't speak because you don't know
anything that you're seeing, and you're forced to listen. You
do that with young people and you take them around
and see not just your country, but the world, and
you'll see a way more tolerant group of people who

(30:32):
can live more harmoniously because I noticed a lot of
people that I've met that travel do a lot less
talking and a lot more listening because they realize that
I'm not in a safe space where I can just
speak my words and everyone has to listen. I don't know,
I don't know everyone around me. I don't know. This
is let me just listen. You know What's been kind

(30:53):
of interesting and rather impactful for me recently, even just
with this Birmingham trip, that we took the lack of
knowledge amongst blacks, UM, specifically blacks from the Caribbean or
just Carebean people in general when it comes to black
American or just American history, and we did a podcast

(31:16):
on that, I think it was the Culture Class episodes UM,
and just talking about how even my family, my parents
didn't even understand American history and the way blacks were
treated because that never really existed within the Caribbean. So,
for example, my mom being from Jamaica, she has experienced
maybe colorism and things like that, but actual racism, she said,

(31:39):
never was really a thing down in Jamaica. So it
was nice to bring her along as well too, so
she can kind of understand why sometimes you're a little
bit more forceful about the way you feel and why
you're so adamant about making sure that our four boys
who are going to grow up to be for black
men in America understand the systemic in the systematic ways

(32:01):
they may potentially be oppressed for years to come, which
we hope things will be a little different by then.
But as history shows, and I will say that your
mom over the past three years that she's lived with us,
I remember when she first moved in with us. She
moved in with us in the end of two and
at the time I was making videos about my feelings

(32:21):
and thoughts on it, and she was concerned, like and
she was like, devout, why do you feel this way?
And it wasn't until I explained to her the history
and what my mom had been through. Like it's it's
easy to say, you know what, that was so long ago,
but then when you have to look someone in the
face and be like, wait a minute, you were chased
out of Marine Park with by bats and chains as

(32:42):
a young girl because integration started. Yeah, that's my mom.
So yes, it matters enough to me, and that there's
there's nothing in this world. That's gonna make me stop
speaking on my black experience because I have to have
an allegiance and an alliance first to my blackness, because
that's who I am when I wake up, you know.
So I can't have any allegiance to a brand or
allegiance to a studio or to a producer who saying,

(33:06):
don't say this. I have to have an allegiance to
myself first, and allegiance to my sons and my wife. Absolutely.
And I think your mom over time has learned like wow,
there is a lot of history here that I didn't know,
and that's why it's important for you to say it.
But even watching her at the museum, your mom is
what sixty seven don't age that woman, your mom. But

(33:33):
I even saw her going through the museum and looking
and being being overwhelmed at times like wow, like that's
this is I didn't know this. And you're never too
old to travel, never too young to travel, and you're
never too old to travel. That's a fact. That's a fact.
So this experience is the best teacher when it comes
to learning about different cultures, history, people. Traveling and going

(33:56):
straight to the stories is definitely the best way to
get there and beyond learning in the ways of the world,
traveling has actually proven to expand your mind and also
stimulate better mental and physical health. I think that's a
great statistic because I know I feel a hell of
a lot better when I am traveling in a way
and getting some time. Whether you go to share, that's

(34:17):
why you feel better. I mean, there's certain trips for
certain things, so that I likes to joke about the
fact that whenever we go on vacation, I have an
itinerary and I don't like to sleep in, and I
don't trust me. There's times and I go away on
vacation and the purpose of that is to sleep in
and to relax, and that to be that? When is that?
Because I haven't experienced that in twenty years? Did you
let me know when that experience? Me? And my girl

(34:38):
tip bone that well, Tiff Burkett. Now she travels with
me and we lay down and we vegg out. And
so how come I get that? Why I got to
be up at seven thirty in the morning slapping freaking
sun based around you like a turkey. Well, I learned
how to do that myself. Now I'll let you sleep
in and get your sleep. We learned how to vacation amicably,
I think you and I, UM, but yeah, But then

(35:00):
there's also those they're going to be those UM trips,
particularly with the kids that I know, I plan to
plan as ay the world opens back up again, We're
we're gonna have itineraries for the day, and we're going
to be in a new place and we're going to
be exploring, and we're gonna be learning, and we're gonna
be hiking, and we're gonna be doing all the things.
UM research shows that sevent people get some form of
health benefit when taking a vacation. So whether that's just

(35:22):
clocking out, stress relief, stress relief, taking time away, change
of environment, there's so many things. I think the list
can go on where I think that's safe to say
that that's a pretty accurate statistic. I mean the health,
the health. What I think, especially for the stress relief
is when you see the world differently, you start to
realize how minisule your problems maybe facts wherever you are.

(35:43):
Like if you have the ability to travel and take
a vacation, typically that's a reminder that you're doing okay
in life right that you can actually take that time, right,
you can take time. But also it's like when you
see the world and you realize that, man, these things
that I was stressed complaining about really not that big
a deal. Sometimes you need to see that, you know,

(36:05):
let me stop tripping about this guy that own me
this thirty dollars, because really not that. At some point
I get my thirty dollars for sure. Um. Traveling is
good for relationships. People stated that their connection with their
loved one improved during the vacation. That be us. We
talked about it a lot, and I think it's just
a matter of just being able to disconnect and attached,

(36:28):
knowing that, Okay, we have these seven days where we're
not going to be working, we're not going to be
doing anything but reconnecting with each other. Um, and you'll
be rubbing me down with oils, oils, all that rubbing down.
That's what it started. Starts with the cheeks and wants
to start with. You got to push the cheeks together,
rub it down, slap it, flip it, turn it over

(36:49):
us baker man over here baking some cakes. People are
thirty percent more likely to have a heart attack if
they go five years without a vacation. What I ain't
gonna remember that spend where we first got back from
the league and we didn't take no vacations for four
years was giving heart attack. It was definitely get That
was the hardest part of our marriage that we realized

(37:11):
because we was going on vacation. We were literally grinding
looking at the same stop walls every single day. Intended. Yeah,
literally just no. Just because we said we just got
married and monogamy, it just made sense. Word, Well, these
walls look the same. They might have been painted, they
might have get a little wall paper and your walls, baby,

(37:36):
you know what I'm trying to say. No, I'm saying
that the walls can be different, you know, and change
up your walls. How you do that, that's how you
need to change. You need to teach people. And that's
that's a trick you got. You can't give away my secrets,
and see how I can't give it with my secrets.
Of US citizens agree that after they've traveled, they've noticed

(37:56):
a significant drop in stress. I agree. Women who go
on vacation twice a year are less likely to get
depressed or chronic stress. Men are more at risk for
heart disease. And have higher sudden depth risks if they
don't take a yearly vacaby. You got to clock out,

(38:16):
clock out. This is gonna be here when we get back,
clock out when we get back. Facts. How many times
have you in a job, for example, been in a
work setting you have a coworker that you've grown to like,
and you guys are all cool and then poor, you know,
coworker passes away, their job description is on. Indeed by

(38:40):
the end of that business day, baby, their interviewing the
next day. So you better take your time off. Don't
be worried about these jobs that. Don't be worried about you,
your disposable, your cleenics, your tissue. Ultimately, she's so dramatic.
That's a fact to make sure. If you're gonna take vacations,

(39:01):
you do it accordingly. I don't be out here running
the streets listening to cadi okay, because don't be stressed
about bills, y'all. Balance. Balance, that's the name of the game.
Six eight percent of people stated that they are more
positive after returning from vacation. I can see that you
just refreshed, and when taking a vacation, you're exposed to

(39:22):
different environments, which in turn boosts your immune system and
create stronger antibodies to be on the nasty as planes. Baby, yeah,
you still wipe down, y'all. See it. I was wiping
down and I was wearing my mask. She was before COVID.
She was wearing her masks on the plane down. I
was looking at she was crazy, absolutely, and then it
became a way of life, unfortunately. But I just know

(39:45):
that I'm trying to protect my immune system because it
can be a little hairy when you're traveling a lot. Right,
all right. Six ways traveling helps you to grow stimulates
interc intercultural communication skills. Like we said, people of different
cultures have different ways of communicating, whether it's verbally through language, nonverbal,
through traditions, um actions, behavior, GARB. So when you travel

(40:09):
and immerse yourself in another culture, you learn and you'll
teach how to respectfully communicate with other people who are
different from you. We said, your spain um scenario. And
I just can't wait to get to a lot of
couple of players. There's a couple of places on my
bucket list that I'm like, drop me off in there
in the culture, because I want to be I want
to be with y'all want to be immersed in the culture. First,

(40:29):
in the culture I want to I want to be
able to sell it was a world traveler. I want
to be able to go to a country and no
matter what the language is, what the people are being
able to because there are universal ways that people communicate
and if you only exist in your bubble, you'll never
learn these universal ways to communicate with people. And if
you find yourself in a different country, you'll be lost.

(40:50):
And I'm telling you, if you've never travel anywhere and
been lost, you feel like this. You feel like an aunt.
You feel like the smallest, most insignificant little being this
huge planet. And it's not a good feeling. It's really
really not a good feeling. So I employ all you
guys to just get out there and learn how to
communicate with people outside of being on your phone. Stop
experiencing the world digitally. Yes, And also to that sounds

(41:13):
almost like a moment of truth. That's a good one. Um.
Do your research too before you go places, because sometimes
things that we think are universal within our bubble is
not and you may end up offending or disrespect to somebody.
So I like to do my research before I go
to a new place to kind of know what is, like,
what's the deal. You know what's what's acceptable and what's not.
Doing research before you travel is for safety, Like that's

(41:34):
huge safe. I think you can wear whatever you want
to wear or speak of you want to speak or
not engage in the same traditions. Like you know, some
places you go and travel, they bow, some places they
shake hands, some places they don't. And you don't want
to offend someone by saying I'm an American, You're supposed
to do things the way I do things. That's the
worst thing you could ever do. Traveling absolutely, Um, replace

(41:58):
the stereotypes with facts. This is a good one. The
things we think people know about other countries and their
people are often colored by information, stereotypes, and ignorance. When
you travel, you're able to experience the true nature of
the communities that you engage with, and you have the
experience with individuals that help you to not generalize overall.

(42:18):
So yep, that's kind of straightforward. UM challenges your opinions
and worldviews. Travel can alter and challenge once fixed opinions
about the introduction of new in information. It also has
the ability to encourage oneself to research and learn more
about what they believe, creating more educated and more open perspective.

(42:39):
I think that is very um true with someone who's
maybe in search of like religion for example, and say
that you've been taught a particular religion or religion, particularly denomination.
I've known people who have traveled to other places and
they lived somewhere for six to ten months to twelve
months and have decided that, you know what, I found
God in a different way and space in a different area, um,

(43:02):
and then have converted, you know, whether it was from
Christianity to becoming Muslim or you know, vice versa. So
that's also a really good way I think to just
expand overall. If you're in search of something, um, if
you're in search of self, if you're in searching of
peace and where everyone who wakes up in the morning
is always in search. Like you know, the statement that
you all lost that goes for everybody, that's like the

(43:26):
realist statement, you want to know why we are all
searching for this mystical, esoteric, magical place called happily ever
after and peace? Right, Like what does it look like?
And everyone searches for it through different ways they search
for it through religion, they search for through fitness, they
search for through love. Some people search for through vices.

(43:47):
And I feel like traveling gives you way more options
to figure out what peace looks like for you. What
if you can't find peace in the environment you're existing in,
what if in your mind? Because because a lot of
people feel like this, Well, I was born in Brooklyn,
I was raised in Brooklyn. I'm gonna live in Brooklyn.
I'm gonna die in Brooklyn. But that for a long time,

(44:07):
this is crazy part. My parents used to try to
take us to travel. I never once felt like Brooklyn
was going to be the place where I spent my
entire life. Never. When I was young, it was as
simple as going to Morristown, Tennessee. And we used to
drive thirteen hours from Brooklyn, New York to Morristown, Tennessee
to visit my grandparents. R I P. Papa Charles Edward

(44:29):
Ellison and shout out to my NAMEA Della May Perry Ellis.
But um, just driving on the road and looking out
the window and passing some of these places and seeing
like little houses of places we passed Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Virginia.
I always said to myself, I wonder whether it would
be like to live in one of these towns. And
I was a kid, Imagine having that experience where you're

(44:51):
getting on planes and you're going to different countries, different
places around the world. Imagine like, imagine Jackson being eleven
years old and going to see the Parry his idea
in his mind of what the world is not going
to stop now with American views, you know, he might
grow up and say, I think I might want to
live in Africa. Have you ever heard of people say
that their spirit or their soul aligns with a certain

(45:14):
place or in a certain place. I think that's a
very true thing for sure. Um, you know, I think
I guess I misspoke earlier saying I think it's my
pride for Brooklyn that made me feel like I never
want to leave Brooklyn. But I did always envision myself
possibly being a couple of different places, you know. And
it's funny because I think about just even like my parents,

(45:34):
for example, who you know, worked hard, came up to America,
created a life for us, started in Brooklyn, and it's
just like, I don't know if it's sentimental attachment or
it's just that idea that once I have my house
and I own my house, this is my house and
I'm not moving, like I just have it and I
have to stay here. And it's us now trying to
let our parents generation know, like it's okay to pick

(45:55):
up and move and try somewhere else, and like the
house that you were in does not have to be
the house that you're gonna die in, you know, just
because that was the first house you bought, um properly,
just an investment, first investment towards the future. I think
spiritual alignment with a place is definitely a real thing,
and you can only experience that. I know for sure
they're traveling. Y m hmm, I know. Um speaking on

(46:18):
the housing thing. You know, especially in our culture, in
Black American culture, which is different than Caribbean uh culture,
but Black American culture, when you got property, you kept
the property in the house. I mean you kept the
property in the family. No, under no circumstance do you
sell the home. Because the home is where someone so
raised these kids, and what you do is you raise

(46:39):
your kids here the next generation. So it was a
way for you to have ownership and say this was yours.
It was a pride thing because you remember, blacks were
not allowed to own things in this country for so long.
Once you owned the property, you wanted to keep, you know,
keep it in the family. But what people fail to
realize is that that property is not just supposed to
be something that stays in the family. It's an asset,
an asset that generate more assets if you move accordingly.

(47:03):
So for example, if you brought that property in the
fifties for thirty thou dollars, but now it's a brownstone
with three million dollars, don't get upset at your grandkids
for wanting to sell grandma's house. Now you have three
million dollars. There's there's ten grandkids. Each grandkids gets three
hundred thousand dollars. And what you do is you didn't
go buy ten more properties, and now you have ten

(47:24):
properties that you had the three hundred thousand that you
can use as a down payment and all of your
own million dollar properties and then you can travel. And seriously,
that's what the property is supposed to be for. And
I think it's important for people to realize that because
we've seen that with your parents, you've seen that with
my parents from your parents own beautiful property. I'm not

(47:44):
gonna say on what street, but beautiful properties and million
dollar property. Your dad never wanted to let this property go.
This just for my kids, for my kids. We had
to explain to him, like, Pops, it's for your kids.
Let your kids get the equity out of the property
that you held on in main team for so long ago.
They can go out and get more property for their kids.

(48:05):
And it took him a while, but then he was
just like, right, we have to wait for death or
things like the tragic to happen to them decide what
are we gonna do with these assets? If the opportunity
presents itself, it's like you've done your work. I'm super
proud of my parents who were able to come here
and do the things that they've done to be able
to afford us these opportunities. So while we have the
chance to make something of it, why not. And you

(48:27):
can see the see that come to fruition. You know,
you don't have to wait till you're gone for us
to say, all right, well, now finally we could just
divvy this up because it's a source of income. Will
now have My parents did the same thing they had
they had a property in Virginia. Well they had they
had land in Virginia that they bought a long time ago,
and they just didn't want to sell it because we
have this land, we need to build a house on
this land. But it's like, what if you don't want

(48:47):
to live in Virginia, just gonna hold onto the property exactly,
just to say we have it. Use the property as
an asset so you can gain more assets. Yeah, but
that's a whole different podcast. I'll just when you brought
up the property, Yeah, I just wanted to make sure
of people understood. Now I get it. You know the
value of that. And now, exchanging your mind and your
ideas of what money looks like can can change your

(49:09):
view of what your life is supposed to look. Well,
think about it, because a lot of people will probably say, hey,
I just don't have the funds to travel, you know,
and that too is very limiting and that can feel
like it's just you're you're trapped because you may not
have the funds to do it. So the money lessons
and the financial talk is always good to kind of
filter into these because it'll give you an avenue to say, hey,

(49:29):
if I'm doing X y Z with my assets and
my investments and my my funds. Then it frees up
this for me to be able to have that money
to be able to travel, because you're gonna need that
for sure. Um established long lasting bonds. So experiencing deep moments,
inspiring conversations, difficult scenarios creates lasting bonds. Think about you

(49:50):
and Jackson in Spain together after that experience of being lost,
meeting people with similar interests or seeing someone are seeing
yourself in p people, traditions, and cultures in a new
place can create a deep connection that you may want
to return later. Just like we said, feeling that spiritual
connection somewhere develops patients. So with travel often comes situations

(50:12):
that are just difficult. They're unpredictable, like getting lost in Madrid,
ass getting dog outside there unpredictable, and there's sometimes unfamiliar.
So as you work through these situations, you strike think
your ability to be patient, vulnerable, problem solving, reil calm,
all that staying calm and as you right. It's funny
because they say whenever you're like your hood is not

(50:34):
going to be the same as somebody else's hub. But
usually when we're in a hood. There's like a familiar
you know, you keep your handle swivel. All right, you
watch this entrance. I'm watching that exist. You know, you
know how to move accordingly because listen, things can get
the very scantly, very fast fun things. I made a
joke about the movie Taking, but there is a reality

(50:56):
in the movie Taking in that when you exist in
the bubble, and that bubble that that's been curated by
your parents is very safe and very secure, and you
know everybody, you know, everything, you think the world is
the same as the bubble you live in. Remember his
daughter was just like, Yeah, I'm just going to this
concert and we're gonna stay. And then she gets to
the place and there's men they're waiting to take away.

(51:16):
When you travel and you're forced to be uncomfortable, it
heightens your awareness. That heightened awareness allows you to move
differently because you're uncomfortable. And when you're more aware, you
start to notice things and pick things up. And I
think the best part of being a H. Brooklyn Knight
was that you could never be comfortable traveling on mass transportations.

(51:39):
When you're on that B six at eight two, that
a train, that three train, you cannot be comfortable because
there's so many exits, there's so many people. You have
to be aware to this day, I could be walking
anywhere and I'm like, you see that guy over there
with the red hat and you you need to be like where.
I'm like, you didn't see him when you're watching? I said, yeah,
I noticed everything. He could pass by here two times

(52:00):
and I don't know where he come up and he'll
be like, hey, I just want you guys. Are the
ellis is right? And I'm like, yeah, I saw you
staring at us from over there about the I didn't
want to be a creep and follow you, but you've
been following. I don't want to follow you, but come
out with me, sir. Luck you came up and spoke
because he was about to get jabbed in a minute
because I saw you follow us. That happened to us
twice in the airport. Yeah, but it's just, you know,

(52:21):
being a Brooklyn that kind of teaches you how to
have your spidy senses. That's a fact. We're never gonna
lose those and build confidence. When visiting a place that
you've never been to before, you show yourself a good time.
It could be a challenge, but as you build your itinderary,
you shake some fear off the unknown. Look at me,
I'm going to trip Advisor, this one, that one, all
of them. I'm checking reviews. I wanted where to go? Fool?
Does that all that? Use your communication skills to navigate

(52:43):
in an unfamiliar language and culture, your confidence and ability,
it is inevitable point to grow for sure. Al Right, cool,
So I think we should take a quick break. We
could definitely have to get into listening or someone to
give enough time for that. So let's get into some
apps and we'll be right back. All right, We're bad guys, yes, sir,

(53:13):
we are bad. Favorite part of the show, Yes, it
is this first one because to say, yo, d um,
all right, let's go what's going on to valent Codeine? So,
d I need you to keep it a buck with
me on this one because I'm about to be extremely

(53:34):
vulnerable right now. Okay, appreciate that I'm having so much
trouble with infidelity in my marriage. It ain't even funny.
I cannot, or rather won't stop pulling women. I'm embarrassed,
I'm ashamed, I feel like a failure and like I've
never I'll never come up out of this slump. My
urgent desire for pussy is far beyond what I feel
like I can control. And you know what the crazy

(53:56):
thing is, I'm never satisfied sex. It's not even the
same no more. I look at every woman like a challenge.
I was molested when I was a kid by my brother.
I don't know what that did to me or if
that's the cause of these strong ass urges, but it happened.
I've been sex addicted for quite some time now, and
I'm also addicted to pouring heavy, like masturbate four or
five times a day while and I have a beautiful

(54:18):
wife right there shaking my head, But lately we've been
having problems without sex life too. I feel like she
lacks passion, and most times it feels like I'm the
one the only one into it. Well, if you're masturbating
four or five times a day, bro is a good
chance that you're probably coming at her a lot. She
probably can't handle that. That's why you feel like you're
the only one trying. She's been trying. I gotta get

(54:39):
her that, but the problem still lingers. I also always
feel like I'm not wanted or her attention is somewhere else,
even though I'm always doing things to eat her mind
and take things off of the to do list that's
never ending. Nevertheless, that's not an excuse for why cheat.
I have none. I'm telling you this because I just
need to know if I'm the only man out here
going through these kind of problems, and I need to

(54:59):
hear it from somebody who has been there where I'm
at and got out of it, because at this point,
I'm about to lose my family. Bro, I don't want
a divorce. I love my wife, but pussy is winning
right now. So many more beautiful women out there besides
my wife, and they'd be wanting an find this hell too, bro,
fantasy type chicks man like before, And I'm a regular

(55:21):
ass nigga. I'm just keeping it a buck, bro. So
I'm just wondering, man, if you ever want if you
ever went through what I'm going through with infidelity, porn
addiction and women flirting with you and the whole nine,
and how do you handle being faithful and staying true
not doing it and running away? Seems so much easier
said than done when I'm when I've been giving myself
whatever I wanted when I wanted four years now. So

(55:43):
now when it comes time to say no or stay disciplined,
I just had this conversation. You heard me having this
conversation when we were at the twenty nine event. Un bothered.
I give it to my desires and do it anyway,
even when I know it's against the will of God.
I want my spot in the Kingdom of heaven, and
I feel that I'm really in a bad position with God.
You got anything for me, bro, anything you know. First

(56:09):
of all, I don't know how old. I don't know
how old this young man is. But um, I remember
in college, like sex is like a big deal. In college.
You go from eighties, eighteen to twenty two, you were
living in your parents house. Now you have some freedom.
All the dudes on the football team, all the guys
ever talked about with sex when we were around women.
All the women ever talked about with sex, Like I

(56:30):
don't know how old this person is. But college at
that time it seemed like the time where it was
just everything with because your hormones are pumping through high school,
you get to college, and now you can fully explore
without judgment from your parents. So it was just sex everywhere.
But I remember there was a point, especially in college,
where you know, I wanted sex too, three or four
times a day, and Codeine and I, for the most part,

(56:50):
we're having sex multiple times a day, every single day.
Like it was just we were on top of each other.
And then um, I got to a point where we
were arguing, upset about other things that sex became secondary
and it wasn't so much about sex anymore. We didn't
like each other for other things. Sex was always great,
and I always you know, I have a beautiful wife

(57:11):
as well, and I always enjoyed having sex, but we'd
be having issues and then them I don't want to
ben wanna have sex, and I'm not talking to her,
but I'm still horny and I'm gonna be honest. That
never goes away. I was speaking to this this young
man the other day and he said he was thirty
eight and he has a young lady that he's with
and he was like, yo, D Like, I know, you know,

(57:32):
you have a bunch of women are always coming at you.
You're on TV, you played in the NFL. How do
you find the strength to say no. Here's the guys
on his truth. You need discipline. There's no point like
I can't give you a number. Guys always asked me,
at what age does it stop. As long as you
have eyes and you have a libido, women will always

(57:53):
be attractive. It doesn't matter if you're eighteen or if
you're fifty eight. My aunt said that my uncle, who
is now about to turn sixty, is the same way
he was. She was talking to me and k and
we were talking about sex and not having no more babies,
and she's like, I'm not to find a way to
keep them off from me, and she said took and
she said it, don't slow down. And he's turning sixty.

(58:16):
So and then there's no point in your life where
you can just say, all right, well, when I hit
this number, I'm gonna be done looking at women. So
what you have to do is developed discipline. Part of
developing that discipline is understanding why you take this way.
You said it. You were molested by your brother when
you were younger. You don't know if that triggers something
in you, but you need to do some work to
figure out if that's why. You know. UM, A lot

(58:38):
of people that I've spoken to said that when they
were molested whether this is a man or a woman.
They then turned sex into their way to control themselves,
so rather than being having sex forced upon them, they
always lead with sex in a way to control their environment.
A lot of people that that's that's not just women.
Men and women both have the I think in America

(58:59):
they say one in three women have been molested or
raped before they turn fifteen, and I think it's one
in five men, and I don't. I don't think a
lot of people know that. So it's not just a
female thing. It's a male and female thing. But doing
the work to find out why you're so um sexually
engaged can help you. That's the first thing. The second

(59:19):
thing is if you think you have a sex addiction,
which is very different than the first part of therapy,
which is figuring out about your molestation. See, if you
have a sex edition, you may have a really really
high libido, you know, I mean, you may have to
figure out some ways around that. But the biggest thing
is being disciplined enough to continuously work on it. Right.
We talk about marriage being a never ending conversation. Healing

(59:41):
is a never ending conversation with yourself, right, so you
never wake up and there's this thing going around where
they say, make sure them before you get in a relationship.
You're a healed whole person. There's never gonna be a
point in your life where you said, you know what,
I've reached hold them, I'm healed now. Now why that
that never happens. It's an ongoing process of healing because

(01:00:03):
you go through traumas every single day in your life
that you don't even realize the traumas or microaggression. So
I would say, do the work on yourself first to
figure out why you're dealing with this stuff, especially with
the molestations since you lat with that um see if
you have a sex addiction. But I will say this,
if you're looking at me to give you an answer
as to what age or what number is gonna stop

(01:00:26):
or you're going to stop being attracted to women, It's
never gonna happen. Bro. Women are beautiful. They've been beautiful
before you got here. They're gonna be beautiful after you
leave here. So you're gonna have to learn to be disciplined, bro.
And you gotta earn that. If you call yourself a
man and you really a man, a man knows how
to control his desires. You cannot be controlled by your penis. Like,

(01:00:47):
this is the bottom line. Most decisions made are made
in poor taste because you thought with the head that
isn't the one you're supposed to think with. That's just
the fact. Most wars, and in pre time, like I
think it was in like pre Roman times, most wars
were started over women did starting over women. So you
have to learn how to have discipline, Bro. Start by

(01:01:08):
working and healing on yourself. I don't know if you've
ever been to therapy, but go to therapy to figure
out where this is and do your best to be
honorable to your wife and your children because you would
hate to lose what you really really love because you
can't control yourself. That's the ultimate weakness of if there's
anything that I would say is weak, because this was vulnerable.
You being vulnerable about this is not weak. But you

(01:01:31):
knowing that you have a problem and not choosing to
deal with it so that you can be the person
you need to be for your husband, I mean, for
your wife and your kids. That's weak. So work on it, bro.
I'm gonna pray for you, and there's no judgment here
because we've all been through it. You know what I'm saying.
I had a friend and had a sex addiction. He's
worked on it. Um. You know we you know we

(01:01:53):
overquires work. You know. Thanks for bro Yes, all right.
My husband and I have been married for three years
and we're both active duty military. Thank you for your service.
Since we've been together, we've never spent more than one
month together without one of us leaving for deployment or
other training. Now we're living together full time and I'm happy,
but he is not. He wants to be alone nine

(01:02:15):
of the time and makes me feel bad for wanting
affection and quality time. He's snapping at me over little things,
talking to me crazy. He told me he's depressed and
recognizes that he's not treating me right. He told me
therapy is not an option and will not allow me
to be his safe space. I'm not sure what to
do if I leave. Wouldn't that be me leaving him

(01:02:36):
when it gets hard? But at the same time, I
cannot tolerate the disrespect. Wow, that's hard. I think about
even just when you were in the NFL, or just
people who we've known in that lifestyle where the husband
is away playing, so there's always the space, and then
they retire and and now their home in the space

(01:02:57):
in a household where you know, wife and children have
been moving accordingly. And then now Dad is home after retiring,
and he doesn't quite know where he fits in the equation.
He kind of feels like he doesn't belong a little bit.
Then there's also that search for what's next, and then
Mom being just like, well, we normally do things this way,
so how do we filter Dad into it? So he

(01:03:18):
kind of feels like he's unwanted and she kind of
feels like he's a burden, and then it becomes a thing. Right,
So it's very it's very hard. I think whenever you're
with somebody and you're accustomed to being within a certain
you know, level of interaction and then living together in
part why I always encourage folks to live together for
a little bit before they actually marry, so they can know,

(01:03:39):
can I coexist with this person and not only it
be peaceful, but it be a happy space for us
to exist in. Um So him wanted to be alone
ninety percent of the time. I know that or have heard.
I don't know personally, but being active duty military, I'm
sure that there's things that they've seen, places they've been,
things they've had to endure when you are serving this

(01:04:00):
country that may require a level of decompressing or therapy
which he is not open to. I was going to
say that, can we just stop right differently? Um, She
says she doesn't want to feel like she's quitting or
leaving when the time gets rough, right, it takes two
people in a relationship to be of service to each
other for the relationship to work. If he is not
willing to be a service to you and the things
you need in order for y'all to get better, to

(01:04:22):
get better together, that's not quitting on your part. And
I'm not a proponent for divorce, but I'm not a
proponent of one person doing all the work and the
other person just being like, well, I'm not doing it,
and then you have to feel guilty because you're doing
all the work. No, ma'am, that's that's not That's not
the way this works. If he doesn't want you to
be his safe space. Over his words, he doesn't want
to go to therapy and help you. You do not

(01:04:43):
have to stay anywhere and tolerate any disrespect you get.
One life, And I say this and I say it again.
You don't owe anybody anything. The only only person you
really owe in the world is your kids, because they
didn't ask to come here. The kids, children are here
based on your guilty pleasures as your parents. Right, you
guys have sex, You'll do whatever you do. Child comes

(01:05:03):
into the world. Right, that person comes here with no
understanding of why they hear what's going on. You have
a responsibility to take care of that person. But the adult. No,
If an adult doesn't want to put in the work
and meet you half way here, that's not healthy. Because

(01:05:23):
you're also not going to guilt me and just saying, well,
you know you left me when time's got rough. I
didn't leave you. I presented opportunities for us to get better.
I'm trying to present options for us to get better
and do things. And you keep shutting it down. No,
which means you want to stay in this space. That
space is not healthy for me. I am not going

(01:05:43):
to choose to stay in an unhealthy place, especially if
we got children, so that we can both be unhealthy
and be poor examples to our children. And he said,
and she said, here he told me that he's depressed
and recognizes that he's not treating me right, So is
that just okay? You know that's not all cases. To
recognize it, vocalize it and then not want to put
any plan of action together to make you feel better.

(01:06:08):
Is telling him that that is okay, that's that's just
the truth. Like and here was even more truth. The
people who defend our country and defend our rights and
freedoms to be who we are deserve way more respect
than it oft than given. I'm not going to sit

(01:06:28):
here and try to understand what he has gone through.
I can't even I don't even want to use an
analogy and say it's like football. It's not like when
you're deployed and you have to go and and face
some of the things that they face a completely different level. Right,
But at the same time, as a man who chooses

(01:06:50):
to have a wife and bring children into the world,
the same duty and honor and respect you have for
this country to protect, you have to have that same
duty and honor respect for your family and for yourself,
and you have to be willing to get help when
you need it, you know, like you can't expect veterans
to do this on their own. And I hope veterans,

(01:07:12):
If any veterans that are listening to me will listen,
we don't expect you to do this on your own.
You shouldn't have to. You've done all, You've already done
more more. You know what I'm saying that, like, you
should be able to come home and say I need help.
And it's okay to say, look, I need help. I'm
going through something, because I don't want to discredit what
he's going through. I don't have no idea what that's

(01:07:34):
but if the coexisting with somebody through that that requires
a level of work, and if it's something that he's
just not willing to do or he just doesn't have
the frame of mind to do it, insists you're well
within your right to, like you said, not tolerate the disrespect.
And sometimes you need sometimes even even soldiers need that

(01:07:54):
uncomfortable feeling to realize they have to take a step forward.
So say you say you make it. For example, you said,
you know what, I think we need to get separated
so I can figure out what's best for me. And
then he comes home a couple of days and his
wife and his children not there. That may be the
thing that clicks inside of him that says I need
to do something to move forward to get my family back,
you know. But but I do think you're enabling him

(01:08:17):
if you just sit back and allow him to self
loathe and let you be the object of his aggression
and his depression, because now he won't feel like he's
doing anything wrong if he can just unload and unleash
on you. You know, he doesn't deserve that. You don't
deserve that. I'm going to pray for both of you, because, um,
anytime my my my grandfather was a war vetan. He

(01:08:38):
fought in the Korean War, and he had his ways,
sometimes snapping when you lose it. And I remember when
my grandmother told the story when he first came back,
you just have to wake him up with a broom
because when he was sleeping, he would if she would
just touch him, he would wake up ready to you know,
because he said when he first came back, she that's

(01:08:59):
what she had to work on. That's what she did,
and eventually, you know, going through the process, they were
able to get back to normal. But there's nothing like
being a spouse to a vet like that's one of
the hardest things. And I salute you both both of
you guys e vets Um. I don't know if they're
both active still duty, but yeah, she said, if you're
both still active, then you're not veterans. We appreciate your

(01:09:21):
service and we're gonna pray for you. And I have
the utmost confidence that as two people were fought for
this country, y'all are going to fight for your marriage
and make it work. Yeah. Absolutely that go sign on that. Alright,
y'all those are two really good listener that is this week.
And if you want to be featured, you can go
ahead and write us. It's never too late. Email us
at dead assid advice at gmail dot com. That's d

(01:09:43):
E A D A S S A d V I
C E at gmail dot com. Alright, moment of truth time.
We talked traveling, expanding your horizons, Moment of truth, spreading
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