Shackin’ Up

You can never really know your partner until you live with them. Unlike their parents’ advice, the Ellises think shackin’ up is a good idea. Dead Ass.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You don't really know somebody until you live with them.
No truer statement. Dead as dead ass. I am an
advocate for shacking up. Mama, don't kill me, but that's
what we did and it worked. Dead asks. Hey, I'm

(00:22):
Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us
from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important
thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

(00:44):
things most folks don't want to talk about through the
lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the
term that we say every day. So when we say
dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth. Were about to think, Phil
talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

(01:09):
Story time. This is when take us bank to two
thousand and two thousand and sixteen, two sixteen, right before
Cairo was born. We had moved back to our apartment
in New York. Money was tight, wasn't low. Money was tight.

(01:30):
We had a plan on moving out, so we were
trying to save money. Blah blah blah. Kadina and I
had gotten too a huge argument because I had looked
at the American Express bill and she had spent I
think it was something like six hundred dollars in Starbucks
one month. It was. It was crazy. The reason why
I remember six hundred dollars was because you had went

(01:53):
to Starbucks practically like every day, and it was thirty
days in a month, and it was my Starbucks. So
I was, yil, this is six dollars on Starmucks. So
I went through every single itemized thing of that codein
has spent, right, And her argument was that a lot
of the stuff that she bought was for the house.

(02:14):
And I was just like, well, that's because you like
to live a certain way. I don't need that. I
could rough it. I'm good. So Condeine said, oh, Willie,
So I go to the bathroom. After about a couple
of days, going to the bathroom, I noticed that the
toilet paper has changed. There's no more charming. It's straight,

(02:35):
single ply toilet paper, right, and this ship hard like
blue sleeve paper. So now my asshole is sore because
I'm using the single plot sand paper toilet paper, and
I'm like, you will take a ship about three five
times a day. I have very hom taber puppy three

(02:58):
or four times a day. So my my ship is
on fire. So now I got my little extra money.
I'm by a and deointment, right, and I'm just trying
to make sure my my booty good. Right. So one day,
one day, I go into ka closet because she had
her own closet. Me being a husband, I am make
sure she got home closet with her shoes and stuff.
She had a walk in closet, right. I walk in

(03:19):
there to get something. What do I find in the
corner Sharman toilet paper? So Shorty, Shorty was not only
having me going here with the royal ass, right, I'm
walking around with the royal ass she hiding Sharman toilet
paper in her closet. So I'm like, oh, this is
what we're doing this, So what we're doing now? All right?
So I go to the bathroom one day, I take

(03:41):
an extra long shower, right, petty extra loan shower. I'm
in the shower and conians like if I'm trying to
get in there, right, so I get out the shower.
I'm feeling good. I feel great, right, get out the shower.
While I'm laying there on the bed, I'm counting it
down three one, I'm like, what happened? She said, you
use on my hair products? I said, correction, I didn't

(04:04):
use it. I just flushed it down and toilet. Now
he's wasting money, y'all, wasting money on my good, good
hair products, my good up stuff, you know. And that
started the petty wars. I want to love you, Oh,

(04:24):
I want to love you every day and every night
we'll be twigether yeah, with a rue friend over our heads.
We'll share the shelter of my single bit until did

(04:47):
that wants to complain to me about you're wrong for that? Bro?
How you gonna have a man walking around here with
his raw you know what? Walking around So we can
dissect that story time, all right, like a cowboy cheeks
was on fire. Let's go face some bills and we'll
come back to this dis sex story time and explain
what was going on all y'all. All right, and we're back, y'all.

(05:14):
So about this toilet paper situation and to hear supplies, Okay,
check our real petty, real quick, okay. But the best
part about it was, well, two things, My mom, glad
you're coming to the apartment. Do you remember when my
mom came to the apartment. How could I forget? And

(05:35):
she used the bathroom right, and oh mom, this was
shortly after Devil was having his episode with the cardboard
ass toilet paper. Right. My mother came by one day
and she was helping, you know, with the kids and
stuff like that and whatnot. And I remember her being
in the bathroom and screaming out Goddean as only Mimi

(05:59):
can call on name that weight. And I was like,
what's the matter? What happened? What kind of toilet paper
is this you bought? I'm here trying to wipe myself
on my hand, just bust through the paper like that,
exactly exactly. I was like, my exactly, well what kind
of force were you trying to wipe yourself? But I

(06:19):
feel was it necessary? And she was like, when you
find this toilet paper? Why what where's the charming? Where's
it this one here? What's going on with this toilet paper?
I'm like, well, what's going on with you? You got
stock in charming? Everybody is so concerned about charmante you.
But you'll be the main one wrapping the toilet paper
around your hand. You don't need that. You don't necessarily

(06:43):
need to be wrapping and wrapping and wrapping. You'll be
wrapping it. I don't be wrapping it out. I don't
be rapping. How many cubes don't average? You used to wipe?
How many cubes don't average? Cut on average? I was saying,
depending on the day, depending on what's happening. Okay, it
could be four to five depends. No, guys, she's lying.
I I know because I count my cubes. I use

(07:05):
no more than five cues of toilet paper to wipe.
So because I fold fold, if you're go into the
bathroom after me, I'll be folding the cubes and make
sure that it's I get the most maximum usage. I
go in there sometimes after you. It'd be a whole
half a roll in it. And all she did was peace.
That be your kids, That be a kid, No son.
First of all, you haven't had a vagina, So until
you know what it takes to white one, don't talk

(07:26):
to me about how many cubes I use. Touche touche.
But I do know. I do know it can't take
you more than three cubes to pack that cat. You
gotta pack the cat with three cubes. You can't use
more than three cubes. Being't wasteful. That's a whole pack
cat three Pat cat, three cubes. Pat the cat with

(07:47):
three cubes. Pat the cat with three ques. That's all
you need. That's all. It's gonna be a new rule
in the house put up there. Well, I'm the only
girl in the house now, so nobody's gonna be clocking
my toilet paper usage at all. What you need to
check is your little boys. We'll be doing a whole
lot of rolling out now. But that was the best
when my mom was literally like, what kind of doing

(08:07):
the way when I wipe myself the way my hand
bust through the paper like that, And I was like, okay,
first of all, t M, I go washing hands before
you didn't even leave the beast, go wash your hands. This.
Then her and did the upper seeds to have a
conversation about me and this bumass toilet paper that I
got exactly, And then he asked mom to bring him
home some sample packs of the andy at home so

(08:27):
that you didn't have to buy Andy. It is barred
from the baby. I mean, hey, I worked out your
mother saved your mother saved our marriage. We're lathering up yere,
you're coming here. If she didn't come in here and
complain about that toilet paper, I would have left. Well.
I had to say to her with my I got
the stash in my my, my closet. Just you know,
let's get to me the show, because this weapening in

(08:51):
people's isms. Al Right, y'all dealing with people's isnes. What
are the signs that you're ready to move in or not?
Were not? Well? The first sign that you are ready
to move in, it's good communication. Right. We talk about
communication all the time on this show, but I'm explaining
to you why communication is important when you move in, right,
when you're dating someone and you'll have a spat, right,

(09:14):
or y'all have an issue. People tend to say, you
know what I'm going I don't have to take yes,
I'm going home, so you can do that. Come on, man,
it's my boy, cracles family, name anything thing they didn't.
It's a rare condition this day in age to read

(09:36):
any good news on the newspaper, but page that's what
the toilet paper felt like newspaper. It felt like newspaper,
was it at least the sports section? No, I'm still pissed.
But anyway, when you when you are in a relationship
with someone and your only refuge is leaving them, When

(09:57):
when I have an argument, when you move in, there's
no leaving right. So now I got a problem with you,
you got a problem with me, and I gotta stare
at you in the face. But we gotta sleep in
the same room. That it kind of prepares you to
learn how to communicate even before you get married. And
here's the truth. Cadan says, she's she was all for
shocking up. She wasn't. She wasn't all for shocking up

(10:21):
two thousand and seven when I was living. Now she's
gonna say, no, let's go back to I'm talking about
shacking up for the purposes of knowing what it's like
to live with somebody. Let's go back to the pressure.
Remember the pressure, Remember the conversation, Remember the conversation that
we had. You were just like, I don't want to

(10:41):
be shocking up and be nobody's living girlfriend. That's a
genuine issue for people. Oh yeah, talking about just shocking
up in general. You mean, okay, right, so you weren't
all for just shocking up, like we were trying to
be purposeful about learning how to live with each other.
Well also too, I think shocking up made sense for
us two because we felt like, okay, here, we are

(11:02):
a couple in our young twenties, right, we are trying
to decide what it's going to look like for us
to exist together, what our future is gonna look like, because,
like we've said on previous shows, we've always talked very
openly about our goals, our dreams, our hopes, things that
we wanted to accomplish. So in my mind, I'm like, okay,
what sense does it make that I graduate from college, well,
now grad school, right, because I don't have to pay
for housing in grad school. I'm now twenty three graduating

(11:24):
from grad school. You are, now, you know, working in
the NFL, are doing what you're doing? Does it really
make sense just for the sake of saying it, or
just so that our parents could feel better? In our
grandparents and all of our ancestors, they're gonna feel better
because Okay, Cadine is paying rent over here to homeboy
that we don't even know. Deval is paying rent to
another homeboy over here that we don't even know. There's
are two different rents that are going out of two

(11:46):
people's accounts where they can just collectively work together if
they're living together to pay one rent to then have
the plan to say that other money to eventually purchase
a home. To me, that just made sense in that moment, right.
It wasn't necessarily a matter of just propose on time.
That's because I'm just like, Okay, where's the next level
of our relationship going? And that's and that's the reason

(12:08):
why I said the whole thing about the pressure is
that's the argument for some people, especially women, are just like,
I'm not moving in because if I move in and
then I'm playing wife and I don't have a ring,
and then things are getting comfortable and getting comfortable. But
you just explained all the reasons why I feel like
it made sense for us to move into. Financially it
made sense, but us, it made sense for us to
learn how to communicate when it's like, here signs you're

(12:30):
ready to move in. You have good communication, You talk
about finances regularly, which we do. You served you survived
a big argument, which we did. You talk through your
relationship problems, which we did. You talk and agree about
goals and expectations in your relationships, we did. Um, you
can talk honestly about moving in together, which we did,
and you can talk about your deepest fears from moving

(12:53):
in together. The reason why those last three are very
important is because those aren't talking about the rainbows and
sunshine and moving into together. Because there's there's more rainy
days when you live together than there is rainbows and
sunshine when you're learning. And and I'm going to preface
that by saying, they are more rainy days than rainbows
and sunshine when you're learning. Once you've learned and you

(13:16):
understand each other, the rainbow and sunshine days far out
number the rainy days. You want to know something that's
rainy often in the house now that we live together,
even twenty years later, learning people's is ms and learning
people's things, and like they're little ways, you know what
I'm saying. And I'm saying this at risk of sounding

(13:37):
crazy because I know I had my ways. Okay, I
just want to put one of the vows ways out
there right. Okay, So my husband, love them to death,
you know, has this thing where he likes to just
like step out of his clothes and just leave it
at the edge of the bed. I have a system.
He just leaves it at the edge of the bed,

(13:57):
and I'm like, bro, I'll clean everything in the room around,
make the bed. That's that and third, but then there's
just like this pile of clothes there. So if you're
a person that just like gets irked by people's is
ms or little things and you have pet peeves, those
are things that you want to realize early on that
you're cann decide, Okay, I am just going to deal
with this because that's just what he does. And he's

(14:17):
just cute when he leaves the ship at the side
of the bed on the floor. And I'm trying to
push your going in now, I don't try to be
my friend now. Don't try now, because you put my
business down the street. Now you trying to be my
friends talking about here. It's all right because I I
got equal business. I'm sure, and I said that I know.
But it's just one of those things. People are going
to have things that are gonna irk your nerves and
you cannot walk away from that when you were living
together with somebody, So think about that before moving in?

(14:38):
What is your tolerance for pet peeves and is ms?
Because if your threshold is not high for it, you
might just be in a conundrum. That is really good
because the next one the list was said, it said
you accept the other person, you accept their mess, you
make literally and decision. You make the decision. It says
you can't go in believing you'll change your partner to

(14:59):
think and live as you do. Right be, could you
naturally want the person to be comfortable in their space,
So you don't want to come into a situation where
you're moving in and now you're micromanaging how that person
should be living. For all that, stay your ass over
in your own place. Right, Oh, you didn't tell this
to your system? What's your system? Or my system of
stepping out of my clothes? So when I stepped out

(15:19):
of my clothes right there in the bed right like
that my little shorts area. That's because MEMI often comes
into the room to get the baby. Right, what if
I'm naked and I gotta grab some shorts, I can
step right into my shorts about the shorts beyond, as
opposed to walking all the way to the closet pass Uh,
meet me with my dangle laying out. I'm trying to

(15:39):
be respectful, so I keep the shorts right there by
the bed. I feel like that's a good, pretty good system,
especially before me me though, you've been doing this since
like college, because in college I had to jump in
my shorts to be a five thirty a m workout,
So I used to have my girdle and my shorts
right there by the bed. As soon as that alarm ring,
I don't want to waste no time. I used to
step right in some the joints and I'm join us up,

(16:01):
brush my teeth, go to workouts. I have a system. Okay,
I guess judge my system. I don't judge you for
sweeping dirt into the corner of the room and collecting
it there for weeks at a time. I don't judge
you for that. I don't judge you for keeping the
messiest bathroom in the story of bathroom. My bathroom is

(16:21):
not messy. My side is that messy. It just has
a lot of things. I use a lot of products. Okay,
so there's not mess there's just products. Okay, hey, fine,
And that dirt sweeping, that dirt thing is like it's
old news. I don't do that anymore. I used to, though,
I was a chronic sweep everything to a corner because
I couldn't find the dust span in the moment. So
it's like whatever, I got a whole bunch of them,

(16:45):
all right. We gave one some wigs randomly places, looking
like whole heads, scaring the ship out of me. It'd
be dark in this house. I'm already scared because this
house is being and dark. I'm walking by someone. I'm
think it's an intrude to no k gotta league on
the back of the coffee table, big just how about
made me drying wig? And the wine day? My mother's

(17:07):
wig hanging off of this bottle of wine scared the
piss out of me. I turned the corner to go
to the pantry because number one, I was hot. You know,
when you high, you'd be hungry and paranoid. Now I'm
hungry in paranoid. I go to the pantry to go
get me something to eat, and there's a curly wig
just sitting there on the wine rack, almost ship on myself.
Good thing we got to apply toilet paper now, because

(17:28):
that's in abundance of ointment. Yes, compliments of Dakoda. But
that's also when you learn to live with people, you
understand what their isms are. So when you see a
random wig for dirty bathroom, you don't get all excited
and get you don't absolutely not even the kids. No
cats is like that mimi's hair. It is what it is, alright.

(17:49):
And another sign or more signs Rather you live rich
and independent lives. That's that's cute, rich and independent lives.
So once you move in, you will spend more time
with your partner. Resentment can grow if you don't have
your own life outside of your relationship and read one
one one more time man. Resentment can grow if you
don't have your own life outside of your relationship creating

(18:12):
routines together that will help you build a home in
a bond. But keeping your independence will keep you or
will help you rather in the long run, and taking
alone time when you need it. One of the biggest
um complaints I get from people when they move in
with their partner, significant other, wife, husband, whatever, is that

(18:33):
one person is always a little bit more clingy than
the other and once they first move in, it's now
I'm going to spend all my time with you because
we're living together, but then that person becomes your entertainment.
So when that person doesn't make you feel good or
that person doesn't make you feel comfortable in this space,
you tend to blame that person for why you're feeling
down because you don't have your own independent life, and

(18:55):
then it's like no one else in your face. Because
a lot of times sometimes I may just be, you know, white,
might have woke up on the wrong side of the bed,
or just been, you know, kind of having a lot
on my mind and I kind of just want to
be alone, or you know, in devout me like why
are you sitting in this room by yourself? Or you know,
why you why are you this? Or he may feel
like I'm taking something out on hit on him, and
I'm like, bro, I'm not trying to take it out
on you. You just happen to be the other person

(19:16):
that's in this space with me right now. I can't
go anywhere to be alone in this moment. I can't
be alone in a funk somewhere, and it's not necessarily
a responsibility to bring me out of the funk, because
I feel like, sometimes that's what you felt, you felt like, Okay,
if she's not in a good mood and she's in
the house with me, and then I have to find
a way to get her out of it. Sometimes you
just want to be alone, and that becomes difficult when
you have nowhere to go because you live together. And

(19:38):
I'll be honest with you, that's that's one of the
biggest things too to learn, is that the person you
live with may not always want to be around you.
That hurts. I'm saying. If you're a social person and
you're used to being around people and this is the
person you're madly in love with, you feel like when
y'all moving together, we're gonna watch movies together, we're gonna
make out all the time, we're gonna be on each other.

(19:59):
Then you're going there one day and that person look
at you like then it's like, what did I do?
But it's really nothing that you did. This person just
wants their space. And a lot of times you don't
realize that you may do that to the other person.
You know what I'm saying, because I used to say
to you all the time, like you know, like I'm
always running after you, always trying to find you. But
then I don't realize when I go down in the

(20:19):
man cave to be by myself. It's literally the same
same exactly. Now I have to go find you and
I'm like, well, why did you leave me in the
room and go on? You do that a lot. I
do do that a lot. But that's also something I
had to realize, right, I was telling you to not
do things that hurt my feelings while realizing I was
doing those things. That's accountability, right. You would go in

(20:40):
the room to get your own space, and I'm like,
why you're always leaving me? But then I didn't realize
that I used to leave and go in the man
cave in the theater by myself to have my own time.
Because when you're focusing on your own time, you're so
focused on your own time, you don't realize how you're
doing that is affecting other people, and it only matters
to you when when they do it, it affects you.
And we just have our favorite parts of the house.

(21:01):
Like I just enjoy our bedroom. He enjoys the theater.
So it's like I want to be like I would
invite you to my favorite place to how about you
just coming handed out in the middle day and I'm
just like no, I just we should just be able
to spend time in our room together because that's just
my favorite place, which is person And I think that
having an independent lifestyle is very important for mental health

(21:21):
because your sanity, your happiness cannot be predicated on someone
else's existence, because then then they're always gonna fall short,
they're always gonna feel inadequate, and you're always gonna feel
like you're pulling teeth or reaching for something that's not there. Absolutely,
So this one I don't know, because this is one
of the reasons why we did this. It says you're
not doing it for convenience, So don't move in with

(21:43):
the spouse to save money. Convenience may make other parts
of your life better, but it won't improve your relationship.
If your only reason to move in with each other
is to save money, then that's a horrible reason to
move in together. And then that that then you're looking
for a roommate like you're not really looking for a
spout for a relationship situation, You're just looking to save money.
So if two people are you know, can amically live

(22:06):
together and say all right, well I just need to
save money, you need to save money and then we
can just come and go and do our own thing.
Then fine, but not being the sole purpose. It can't
be the sole person, because that makes sense. The sole
purpose has to be because I love serving this person
so much that I would want to be around them
more often. That has to be the sole purpose. Everything
else is a byproduct. Of course, you save money and
it's more convenient when you live together, but it has

(22:27):
to be something you want to do, not feeling like, oh,
it's something I have to do now because this will
help me in a different aspect of my life, right,
because the focus will just be saving money, and then
what else. You know, you're on the same page about
your relationship, so that spirals into that, don't ignore your
relationship problems. Issues will grow once you move in together
if they have not been addressed. Absolutely absolutely that is

(22:50):
I don't even no explanation, that's just. But then and
I went through this. There was a point where we
were talking about getting separated and talking about possibly getting
a divorce, and then we were thinking about how inconvenient
it would be for us to not be living under
the same roof, and then we started thinking about how
much we would hate not being around each other. Because

(23:11):
here's the truth. As mad as I am Atcadeean, at times,
I feel exponentially better when I know she's safe in
the house. So with me, yes with me. So so
for me, it's like I can be mad, I'm fine
on mad. And this is before we even had the
big house, when we lived in the apartment. Even if
I'm mad and she's in the kitchen and I'm in

(23:33):
the living room, or she's in the living room and
I'm in the dining room, I'm fine with that as
long as I can see her and I know she's okay.
Because the things that used to hurt me was when
she used to get mad and she'd be out somewhere
or driving. My biggest fear is that something happens to
her while she's in a rage or she's upset. So
um for me, just living together just was it was
always important for me to know that you were always safe.

(23:55):
You know, you're definitely on the same page with that,
because my soul would not rest and that's not new.
Like a couple of times, you know, back in the
day of that, we get man, he's like, I'm on
my brother's house or go to my father, and I
would think the same thing too, Like, God forbid something
happens on the way you just left me in this rage,
and then God forbid something happens. Then what um? And
even though we'd be pissed at each other and you
may have to be in the living room or I'll

(24:15):
be in the living room in another room, just the
fact that we knew it, okay, at least he's breathing
around the corner right even I hate that motherfucking breath
right now. I hate that breath. But at least he's
breathing in my vicinity. So be good. Ain't nothing better
when your partner is trying to apologize or break the ice.
So y'all haven't talked for a couple of hours and

(24:36):
everything is like super thick in the apartment, beyond saying nothing.
And then she walks in with your favorite red shorts on,
her crop top shirt on with no bra, and she
rolls her eyes. She goes, are you hungry? And it's like, oh,
that's your apology, And she's like, ilogi, I wonder if
you're hungry, cause I'm about to eat. I don't want
to hear nothing. Then she turned around real slow and

(24:56):
stared back at you and it's like, I'm gonna make
your favorite sandwich. Then you like I know, she was,
she ready for this to be over, Like those be
the best part at that part, it's like I get it.
I get when I see the red co ed shorts.
I know you'll probably have seen them on Instagram or
YouTube because k knows if those are my favorite shorts,
and she knows I've had those shorts since I was

(25:19):
oh my god six, when I first fact that they
can still fit me. They do not hit you the
same way, They do not fit you the same way,
but they fit though they do. So that's that back
in the day fabric that you can wash for years
and years and years and it should still be intact.
No holes, no friends. That's true though, the elasticity in
the waist, those those shorts over twenty years old, and

(25:43):
it's the co wed still on them in the back right,
and get washed out and get washed out. Um well,
when I first met you, those shorts were appropriate for
you to wear because you used to wear the camp
and they would come down to Alicia mid now things
almost like they ain't about to right at murder. That's
what it is. Yes, the whole last. That's some of

(26:04):
the favorite things about living with somebody. Yeah, you get
to see them in all of their glory all the time.
But let's get back to um. Yeah, you stayed together before,
so taking a trip or extended stay together right for
periods of time will help you to see these hidden
facts about how your spouse lives. Yeah, because there's nothing

(26:25):
like meeting this beautiful pageant girl and you're just so
enamored by how long her hair is and how pretty
she is and how perfect her smile is and her
body is amazing. And then y'all staying together for the
first time, and then she rolls over and you find
out that she wears a retainer, so you reach over
to give her a kiss, and you're like, hey baby,

(26:46):
and she's just like whom And You're like, why are
you talking like that? And now she drooling in her
sleep and she snores retainer and you've all in never
about this woman just to find out that just realis
a guy. Y'all. That was as real as it got.

(27:07):
When I tell you, I never forget the talk you
had on this is the first night you stayed with me.
You had on that lavender boy, short broad combination. I
was like, like, my baby, right did And then he
was laying in the bed, turned over and I had
my arm around you, threw my leg on. You was spooning,
and I was like you baby, and you're like yes,
and I was like, I was like, that's a pretty on,

(27:29):
spot on, like Daffy Duck impersonation that you're doing. And
he was like, what what do you mean? I was like,
why did you sound like that right now? And you
literally said suffering for my retainer and I was like wow, wow,
I was I'm gonna ask you for some head, but
I don't want to know more. I'm not capping. I'm

(27:50):
not capping. I didn't want to get no head. At
that point, I couldn't even know if he was breathing
because you was breathing like everything was off from like
your You should have went to the n T doctor
because your ear nose and throat was all clogged. The
retainer just had it all sorts of fun up. But
I still tries. I had to pay for straight teeth
and I will not apologize. Don't apologize, retainer, and you
would have seen me pre braces. They need to be

(28:12):
making fun of me for a whole another thing. You'll
be calling me bugs bunny. You went from bugs to day. Yes,
you went from bugs to daffie, and I appreciate it.
Death is way better anyway, you better? Okay? Is it
sad for a break? It? Because right now we can
take a break and get back to some listen to
let we'll be back, y'all. Alright, we're back listen at

(28:48):
the time. We've told y'all way too much about devots as.
You know that y'all have learned all the things. I'm
sure more things than not that you care to learn
about today. So let's learn about y'all. Okay, how about
we gett into these listed as. Has never been the

(29:10):
same since that putty battle like like this is yo,
Like I was so pissed. Come on, that's a very
forgiving area. It should have healed by now. It definitely healed. Alright,
definitely healed. But it's not the same. It's not the same.
I feel like it just gets irritated way too quickly.
I was started getting the flushable wipes not right, because
you can't use regular wipes the flesh. That's what I'm saying. Now,

(29:32):
I gotta use fleshable age No, it comes to your
wife setting you up for for disaster. Think about in
your lifespan, how much ass wiping you have to do,
like in your entire lifespan. That's a lot of trauma
to that area. Charming, you don't have a problem when
you use sandpaper and sticks and rocks because your wife's

(29:55):
trying to approve a point. That's what happens. And ever
since you put out my hair product, my hair and
never been the same. I'm over here having a Beijing
my ship, all right, so we we both even, right. Anyhow,
let's get into your Listen, no letters, because we can
go on for days about this. Now you go first
for a change. How about that perfect, I'll read the
second one. Hey, my name is Mohammed Zidan. I've been

(30:19):
with my girlfriend for fifteen months, and lately we've been
doing terrible. She told me I heard her, and she
doesn't want She doesn't want to build me anymore because
I don't communicate or update her, and she didn't feel
loved anymore. I'm in school to be a registered nurse
and I work with my dad at a convenience store,
so I have no time to take her out. Oh,
take her out at all, and I've been really focused

(30:40):
on my dad's business in school because I know once
I become a nurse, life will be better for us
and I will be more free to take her out
and treat her good. Bro, that's all one sentence. That's
a whole paragraph, Mohammed, I love you and I'm so
thankful for you right in, But that was a paragraph

(31:01):
for no period in there, the whole paragraph no period.
That was amazing, that was a full thought. But in
the process, I forgot that I needed a period. No.
I forgot that I needed to communicate and and keep
her happy right now so we both could get to
the future. She wants nothing to do with me, but
I'm in love with her and I don't want to
lose her. But she heard this so many times. She

(31:23):
doesn't believe I really changed and wants to do better.
She always sends me videos of both of your Instagram
because we really look up to y'all. So can you
help me out please and tell me if there is
a if this is regular for couples to go through,
and tell me if y'all been through something like this
before and how y'all dealt with it. Please, It would
mean the world to me. So O Mohammed with the

(31:47):
home girl cute. I love that, and he's working to
be a registered nurse. That's that's dope. We need more
male nurses out there, So Mohammed. From two thousand and
ten to two thousand and four, Team Kadina and I
had just got married, and this was four years I
had made a decision that I was going to focus

(32:07):
solely on getting into TV, film and building my business.
With that being said, I had to make sacrifices. Kady
didn't getting no designer bags, we didn't go on any
fancy dates, we didn't go on any vacations. The two
of us committed to sacrificing that moment for the rest
of our lives. So we did what we had to

(32:28):
do in those moments to live the way we wanted
to live for the rest of our lives. As long
as you communicate with your spouse or your significant other
what your plan is, they'll feel comfortable in that moment
with you because you're doing it together. If you neglected
to tell her that you didn't forget about her, but
you're working towards something in the future, she's gonna believe

(32:49):
that you just forgot about her. That absolutely there was
not a data went by, especially for me coming from
the NFL and con at least spoiling Codeine. Right, I
didn't feel horrible or not about not being able to
do the same things for her at that point in
our marriage, especially because we had just got married. But

(33:10):
you'll be shocked and how resilient the ones that love
you are when it comes to the things they need
and want if it's gonna be for the betterment of
YouTube collectively, because Codeine definitely didn't. And Codeine loves bags,
she loves shoes, she loves to travel, she loves to
be spoiled. But for those four years, I never got
to complaint. This is the this is the facts. Codeine

(33:33):
never said to me, you don't never to take me nowhere.
And when I tell you, we didn't go nowhere, we
didn't go nowhere Like date nights, we had creative, we
were in the house known. There was no Ruth Chris,
there was no Del Friscos, there was no we didn't

(33:53):
we were Busters Blockbuster. We're just building and m There's
nothing wrong with going through that part of your relationship together.
If you both speak on yeah, I think on the
flip side, Mohammed, Um, coming from maybe her perspective just
not feeling necessarily included in the plan or feeling like

(34:14):
she's a part of the plan Um can also to
be a little bit a bit of a turn because
you're just kind of unsure about what what's happening here?
What's the purpose right? Um? What are we working towards?
And if she's really invested, and if she's really in
love with you and really loves you and can see
a future with you, then she really honestly should have
no problem being able to say, you know what, babe,

(34:35):
this is going to be a sacrificial point for both
of us because we know if we just like put
our heads down and we just work and we work,
and we work right now, we can definitely see the
benefits of it later. Now. I don't know much about her,
but if she's a homegirl that's looking to just you know,
say hey, I'm looking for all the things now now now,
because let's be for real, that's what social media has
people feeling, like, you know, being in these relationships that
all this fancy ship is happening now, especially younger like

(34:58):
I'm looking at even well in their twenties, you know,
mid twenties that are just out there doing lavish things,
you know, with whatever opportunities they have. If she's looking
for that and she's not willing to stick around for
that um long haul with you, then that also might
be worth the conversation as well. So I think it
all goes back to you just being really transparent with
her about your intentions. Um, and maybe a timeline. You know,

(35:20):
divin I used to talk about things in terms of years, like, Okay,
what's our goal for this year? You know, where we
see ourselves in the next two years, where we see
ourselves in the next five years. You know that also too,
can kind of give at least something that feels a
little bit more tangible than it's just empty promises what
it may seem like. But we also can't let him
off the hook, right. If you have to describe wealth
in one word, that word is time. People find time

(35:44):
for the things that are important to them. If she's
important to to you, you gotta find time for her.
Bro and time costs you nothing, you know, Take her
and take her to a park, you know, um, make
us get you find out what her favorite movie is,
Make a a movie night. Hell you find on a
convenience store, get hug get some sandwiches, get some snacks,

(36:06):
put that in a basket. Get you a blanket or
a sheet out your mama's closet or yours. Spread that
sh it out and it's the whole picnic bow dollar tree.
You get some candles, make it cute. Get you some
little candles or whatever. Make a cute, some little rose
petals or whatever. Make you for the convenience store. Tell Danyo,
make the time. Make the time, bro more than anything else.

(36:30):
Make the time there we go, time to spend in
time to communicate. Al right, Second question, Hey to Valcande. First,
I'd like to say that I absolutely love y'all. I've
been following your family since the Val was trying to
get the boys dressed and out of the house when
Cairo was just a baby. Y'all are a dope as family.
Thank you so much. It's been a minute. Carol was
a whole last grown man. Now I'm a thirty three

(36:51):
year old woman has who has been with my husband
for eight years, married for almost five. We're married for
two years before our we had our first child. When
our daughter just four months old, I found out I
was pregnant again with our son. We had babies back
to back, so they're just eleven point five months eleven
and a half months apart. My daughter is two and
my son is sixteen months. Before the babies, our marriage

(37:12):
was amazing. Sex was off the charts, date nights were often,
and we were literally literally didn't have much to argue about.
We spent time together and put one another first. We're
truly best friends. After having two not so good pregnancies,
hubby didn't adjust well to the pregnancy hormones two times
um our marriage started to decline. I feel like I'm

(37:35):
a married, single mom. I worked full time as an
elementary school teacher, maintaining our home, soul, chef and everything
to take care of our very active toddlers. He feels
like I put the kids first, and I've forgotten how
to be a wife. I literally have no energy from
my husband after working, cooking and being a mom. I've
expressed that he if he would help more than I
would have more energy for him. I've started to build

(37:58):
resentment towards my husban and because I feel like he
does the bare minimum to help with our kids and
I want him to help more and be a true partner.
I've communicated this to my husband, but there has been
no consistent change. I want my marriage and desire to
keep my family together. How can I get my husband
to be the partner I need and bring the spark
back into our marriage. There's two things we don't the

(38:23):
chicken or the egg in this in this sense, right,
he says she forgot how to be a wife. She
says he's not really good to being a father in
a productive partner. We don't know which came first. Right,
of course, she had two tough pregnancies. Right, We don't
know if because of the hormones, her attitude pushed him away,

(38:43):
or we don't know if his neglect during the pregnancy
pushed her away. You see what I'm saying. It would
be nice to hear both of their perspective, so we
can kind of put a timeline together which came first,
Because once you know which came first, then you can
attack the root problem. All the other problems become eye
products of the root problem. Right. For example, A lot
of times, and you and I have talked about this

(39:06):
during pregnancy. Then after pregnancy, when you are a mom,
some women lose sight of the fact that you still
have to be a wife and be of service to
your husband the same way your husband has to continuously
be of service to you even when you have kids.
Right as a partner, as a spouse, you don't get
the chance. You don't get an opportunity to say, well,
I'm no longer serving you because we have kids. That's

(39:26):
both sides. Husband does not allow to say that, and
a wife is not allowed to say that. So we
we have to be cognizant as partners and spouses that
we have a responsibility to continuously take care of each
other while having kids. You don't get to put that aside,
you know what I'm saying. Well, you had gotten a
little backlash once when you had said that you put

(39:49):
me before the kids. Yes, and um, we were just
kind of like, why would we not? Well this this
is why you get back because people tend to be
idiots right when they'll say they'll say stuff like which
comes first, the kids or your spouse? They want to
equate that too. There's one piece of chicken left in
the house, who are You're given a piece of chicken

(40:09):
to your kids or your spouse, and then you have
to make a decision, and based on the decision you make,
you know what I'm saying, that decides whether or not
you're good person. Not that's not how life works. If
all the kids are full and there's one piece of
chicken left, so my wife is gonna get it because
she's hungry. Context, Like, people need to understand there's context
with these stupid ask questions. They ask to kind of

(40:32):
put people in the box. Right. I will always put
my wife first, mainly because my wife and I are
the ones who created this life together. My wife is
a better mom when I put her first, so she'll
be better for the kids if I make sure that
she is good in all aspects of life. That's one
thing I can appreciate. And that's always mentality. Right. That's

(40:53):
why we said, you know in the previous podcast, why
we have met and Papa here because you felt like
if I can help to take some of these stress,
some of the you know, the demands off of you
on a day to day basis, think that will free
up time for you to be more of a wife
and a spouse. To me, yes, and people need to
understand that when they have kids. A lot of people
when they get kids and this is not me talking

(41:15):
because I've done it perfectly. I've done the same thing.
There's been times where I've been so invested in our
children that I forgot to be a husband, you know
what I'm saying, And that that happens if you're not
constantly doing evaluations of yourself and saying, wait a minute,
wait a minute, when's the last time I've done this
for my wife? This just happened, but two nights ago.

(41:35):
I I thought I was doing a fairly good job
of bouncing back after Dakota and just trying to get
back to my routine of things and trying to make
sure that you were taken care of and we're spending
time together. And then Dakota gets sick, and then I'm
literally instantly in mom mode. I'm just like baby, baby, baby,
baby baby, And was just like damn, I feel like
I lost my girlfriend again, Like where did you go?
And I'm just like, bro, I'm in my mode right
now because I need to be because our baby is sick.

(41:57):
Are you really going to be upset? Because like, right
now can't have all the attention on you. But it's
also just like a give and take, like you have
to know when things, who needs what more more in
that one moment, you know what I'm saying, and making
sure that it's balanced, because then we have the nights
where we have date nights where I'm like, all right,
these two nights of the week. You know, I want
to try to make sure that Mimi keeps the baby
downstairs so I can focus on He'll be time. You know,

(42:18):
I understand that. But what happens is is sometimes you
tend to think that you're doing everything in your power,
but you're not utilizing the assets that I've helped provide
you that you can be a girlfriend mom. Right, So,
for example, if the baby is sick and not feeling well,
your mom is not only a dope grandmother and mother

(42:39):
of three kids, she's also a registered nurse. So if
anybody can take care of the baby, it's her. And
if the baby is not in a dire need for
their parents, let the help help. That's why mom lives here.
Mom lives here for those purposes. You take away Mom's
power away when you don't allow her to help when

(43:01):
she really wants to help, and then say to me
with the vow you know I gotta do this. Actually,
you don't have to do it, because there's a lot
of times I have to delegate responsibilities to your mom
or your dad when I have to make sure I'm
doing things to make sure you're okay. And I think
that we as spouses have to learn that it is
okay to say, you know what, my child does need me,

(43:21):
but I've created create a great space here where my
child is going to be taken care of. Let me
make sure my spouse is okay. It's not okay to
always put your spouse on the back burner, like it's
not always okay with that your your spouse always get
what's left over. Nobody always wants to be I'll deal
with you after because like she said, she said, I

(43:43):
do this, I do that, I am help with the kids,
to help with this, but at the end of the day.
So then now you're trying to get back to your
husband at the end of the day. And she she's
not the only person that does that. I know. I've
done that plenty of times when I got so into
Jackson's basketball and then still I have to train, and
then I have to meet with my castmates for for readings,

(44:04):
and then Cairo wants to work out, and I'm realized
a couple of days have gone by and I'm like, oh, shoot,
I haven't even hugged on a kissed on my wife.
I haven't checked on my wife. So it's not a
thing that just moms do it. Dad's do it too.
I got so engrossed in what Jackson and Cairo needed
and what I needed for my career. I forgot to
be a husband. And it's okay when you realize that

(44:26):
you forgot, but now you got to fix it and
make sure that that doesn't become a pattern. It's the
pattern that becomes the problem. Because if it's just a
couple of times that happens here and there, we get it.
She gets busy stuff all through the tracks. We're adults.
We can understand that, you know. But yeah, it's when
things become a pattern. And I think what happened in
her circumstance too. She said that he's not agreeing to

(44:47):
help more with the children. So it's like she all
she has left at the end of the day is
no energy because she's been doing everything all day. So
I'm curious to know why he is not as involved
with the children to kind of help meet her. You
know if it means like, Okay, she cooks dinner and
he does bathtime, or like, how do they distribute the
help in the house so to make sure that they
can both have time for each other. This is way
I read between the lines. She said he had a

(45:10):
tough time dealing with the hormones. Typically that means I'm
not responsible for the things I did. And I said,
because it was the hormones and my husband was not
used to dealing with it, doesn't that says the hormones.
That's not an excuse for you behaving poorly postpartument the
same time, which we've been. We've been been, so I

(45:32):
understand that. But that makes you wonder like, okay, if
if your hormones are that bad, were you even receptive
to him helping? Because here's the thing I've noticed, even
with moms, don't worry, I got it. Don't worry, I
got it. Do it this way, let me do it,
do it this way. Fine, you do it your way.
Now I'm letting you do it your way. And you
don't even want to help. Come on, bro, did we
have this conversation? You have friends recently? Yes, you have

(45:54):
to let dad's and and this is not me taking
aside when I'm pointing out are things that happened in
relationships that people don't realize happen. For example, a dude
may be dealing with the fact that their wife is
going through hormonal changes, so he steps back, which is
something you shouldn't do. Or she may not want him

(46:16):
to help the way he wants to help because his
version of help doesn't look like hers, which you shouldn't do,
so he steps back. You see what I'm saying. We
have to dissect with the problem came from before we
can even help these people, because I kind of want
to know, like, well, what happened first. Definitely get his
perspective because they were best friends. Let friends don't just
quit on each other. Now, something had to happen, and

(46:38):
it's a rough patch man, Like once she was introduced.
They were married for eight years, almost five and they
were married for two before they had their daughters, so
they had a nice little stint was just the two
of them, and kids can totally just coming in and
chap and screw ship up. And here's the truth. Guys,
don't don't feel guilty or be upset when you don't.
I saw what I mean, neither think it was. Kid.

(46:58):
Kid was talking about how he just don't like being
a parent all the time, and sometimes he has to
go in the room and just scream or talk to
himself because he's like, I don't like these little people
having so much control over my life. But then people
will make people will feel guilty about it, like this
is such a blessing. I'm supposed to like it. It's
a change, and it's okay for you to not be

(47:18):
comfortable in that change, but find ways to cope, you
know what I'm saying. And it's the same thing when
you you know, when you have your kids and your wife.
There are times where I look at my wife and
she's all running around my kids, and everything is the kids, kids, kids,
all day, all day, all day, and then at nighttime
when I want to watch a movie or something, that
she's passed out, like damn, I just wanted my girlfriend,

(47:40):
Like I wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to cuddle,
I wanted to make out, I wanted to have I
wanted to play pool and flirt and have those moments,
but I couldn't. And the human in me gets jealous
of the fact that you chose to use your energy
towards the kids. That's fine. How you respond to that feeling,
it's gonna be indicative of the type of man you are,

(48:02):
and I think that's what a lot more men need
to realize. It's okay if you have those feelings the
same way. So okay if moms, you feel guilty when
your husband is so focused on the kids and he's
not paying attention to you. Y'all haven't done date night,
he hasn't brought you flowers because y'all may have a
daughter and all his attention is on his little girl,
or y'all may have a son and he's at football
practice for hours and he hasn't taken you anywhere or
done anything. It's okay to feel upset about that. But

(48:24):
how you respond to those times and how you communicate
those times is what's gonna be indicative of how your
relationship makes it or not making facts on facts on
facts right into us. If you want to be featured
as the listener letter, best place to do it is
emailing us all right, d ms, get flooded. All that
I told you before. Please don't give me the dissertations
and the d ms because you probably won't see him

(48:45):
and I won't see him. So advice at gmail dot com.
That's d E A d A S s A d
v I C at gmail dot com. You did it again,
v I C at Gmail. But it's okay. People can
e ad A s A s A d v I
C at gmail dot com. Fabulous. Okay, Now you're not

(49:10):
gonna keep you if you wanna talk to Mohammed about
his punctuation, not gonna make sure you're spelling ship right,
all right, that's just what it is. Same punctuation with
your retainer in ten times fast, I can't even find
my retainers. Shut up? Was punk Awa puns away from
punks away? Give these people the moment, your moment of
truth so we could send them on their merry way.

(49:33):
This is my moment of truth. It's very simple, right,
It's the same thing that we've been preaching for years.
Communication is extremely important. Moving in together were truly determined
whether or not you guys can live in harmony for
the rest of your lives if you want to get married,
I for one, will not recommend people getting married randomly
without moving in together, because you truly don't know anyone

(49:55):
unless you live with them. That's a different that's a
different beast altogether, But understand that there's a process to
get through it, and if you continue to communicate, you
can make it through the rainy days. And on the
other side of the rain is what bow. Oh thank
you baby, well mama on the truth stems off of
my sound by earlier which says that I am an

(50:16):
advocate for shacking up. I agree you guys should get together.
See what it's like to be with somebody for an
extended period of time, what their living situation is like,
what their livelihoods are like inside the realms of their house.
But also to making sure like we've had in one
of these um the breakdown here is that that's not
your sole purpose moving in is to save money. You
have to really like and enjoy this person's company and

(50:39):
being in their space. That should be the reason why,
if anything, you guys are looking to be in a
relationship one and then moving together, it should not just
be under the constraints of making it formal where it's
just for saving purposes or for other motives or other reasons.
Genuinely wanting to be around and loving to be in
the space with somebody is a really good starting point

(50:59):
for then and deciding if moving in is right or not. Okay, okay,
And now I'm gonna move in to letting y'all go
all right so we can move on with the day. Um,
go ahead and follow us on social media at dead
as the podcasts on social media, and then I am candeen,
I am and I am devout. And if you're listening

(51:20):
on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as.
And if your wife changes your toilet paper, you can
go to any local or CVS and get the little
appointment package for free. Just tell them that you guys
some issues and you don't gotta pay for it. Heard
that here first. No, no partnership with Charman. Somebody hooked

(51:43):
that up. I get us up. Dead Ass is a
production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced
by the Norapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social
media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a thing.
I see les I