2023: My Sex Therapist with Vanessa and Xander Marin

On this week's episode, Joelle finally booked sex therapist, Vanessa Marin, and her partner, Xander. Donald brings CaCee down for a quick session, and Zach does a dramatic reading from Vanessa and Xander's book. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's talk about sex baby. You and me, do you
just talk about all the good things and the bad
things that may talk about?

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Come on, I want to read minds. Think alike, bro
bro bro. Literally before you came on the zoom call,
I said to these two, I had the perfect song

(00:35):
to start us off. I had queued that up. Your
zoom window opens and you go, let's talk about sex baby.

Speaker 1 (00:42):
You know what time it is.

Speaker 3 (00:44):
It's our favorite day of the year. Listener, Listen, we
have some caveats here. Yes, first, well, we do need
to tell the listener, can't we do? Yeah, they don't
want to. We'll cut this out, but they you, I'll
give him the warning.

Speaker 4 (00:58):
Just you know, they don't talk about porn or sex addiction.
They're still doing research on those things, and so they
just don't feel quite yet.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
Are you crossing on a loom? That is so funny?
All right, you have to we can keep this because
it's just too funny. Donald is now crossing out on
his list of questions. And the point in a second,
they don't want to talk about because they're still residing
and they don't feel like they have the expertise yet
to comment on those things, right, Joell, that's correct, Listen,
I was just flipping through their guides. They have these

(01:28):
very We're gonna have to shout them out because people
should buy these. They're kind of like they're the kind
of like instruction manuals for the vagina and the penis.
I was just perusing them. They're very informative.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
This already is making me uncomfortable, and I like it.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
That's gonna be great. We should We don't normally give warnings,
but obviously we should state the obvious. I think if
you're someone who happens to listen to this with your
children in the in the car or something, you shouldn't.
We're gonna talk about sex, baby, we're gonna talk to you.

Speaker 1 (02:00):
We're going to talk about all the good things, all
the bad things that maybe we're going to talk about
sex people, all right, So let's just.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yeah, so let's just definitely this definitely shouldn't be one
that you listen to with anybody warned them.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
We've warned them.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
I know we've warned them, Okay, But anyway, I was
just flipping through their guides Donald and there's beautiful drawings
and it's really informative. I was kind of At first
I was kind of like smiling, like laughing with them
about it, and then I was like, oh, I got
to try that because they have like all these techniques,
they have names on them, Like I.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
Want to ask, what's the best way to introduce a
thumb in the butt?

Speaker 2 (02:38):
Like, well, maybe like start off with that. Actually, don't
by the way, let me let me listen. I saw that.
Hold on, let me go back to that. Donald, don't
leave with that. I think we gotta much like much
like they advise in their guides to go take your
time with for play, I think we need to not
go right at Okay, So here's the four play Listen.

(02:58):
Here's a little section. I'm gonna that's.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
Another question I have. What is let me write that?

Speaker 2 (03:03):
What can I? Can I read you something from? Can
I read you something from the guide? Donald? This chapter
is called venture backdoor.

Speaker 1 (03:14):
Shit, I'm already interested. I'm listening.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
The anus is still frustratingly taboo in our society, but
it has a lot of nerve endings and can feel
pleasurable for everyone. If you've never tried anal play before,
make sure to discuss it beforehand. It's not something to
spring on your partner in the moment. If your partner
is up for anal play, you'll need to use some lube.
We think silicon lube works best in this instance. Here's

(03:41):
some simple techniques to try a just the tip. Put
a dab of lube on your pointer finger and press
your fingertip against the anus. So that's the kind of
information these folks have for us, And.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
I'm gonna ask questions like should you pooh before?

Speaker 2 (04:02):
You can't playing? You can, but let's warm up to
that much like for play. Let's just I don't want
them to get scared of you.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
That's not a scary question. They're a therapist.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
I think you know the obvious that you should pooh
before and some.

Speaker 1 (04:15):
People, maybe our listeners out there, don't know that, Zach.
Maybe they're thinking we're just going to be to get in.

Speaker 2 (04:20):
There with with a washcloth and just dig in there
and see to the booty hole.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
I think the question this is a question we.

Speaker 2 (04:27):
Want to write it down on your on your list.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
Do you use a wash cloth on your ask?

Speaker 2 (04:32):
By the way, this whole podcast started with a debate
about whether to use a washcloth in the shower. But
I think that to circle back around from episode one
oh one or something. Uh that. Yes, before you engage
in this kind of stuff, you should dig in there
with a wash cloth. We don't need we don't need
the sex therapist's advice on that. All right, So Donald,

(04:53):
I just want to prepare. This is like when we
met Travolta and I said, don't go right in and
bum rusham, and then you're asking about face off within
two second. Let's not go right at the your dirty questions.
We're gonna ease them in with some nice, calm questions.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
But dirty questions are allowed.

Speaker 2 (05:06):
Joe, we'll build that. Yes, we'll build that. Don't bring
up gross stuff. No one wants here, doesn't There's.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
Nothing gross about it if you're into it.

Speaker 4 (05:13):
Bro, they said, they're very comfortable and open.

Speaker 2 (05:16):
Okay, good let them in the room. Please. Well, Donald,
count us stories show. We made about a bunch.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Of he said, he's the stories.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
So yeah, yeah, all right, Joell, we're two race horses
at the gate. We have so many questions. Daniel, maybe
put a sound effect of that of that thing that
that that sounds when the when the horses are let

(05:56):
free from the majiggy, You know what I mean? All right,
let them.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
Let them up, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Xander.
What's up, guys. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 (06:20):
I'm very loud and excited, but please introduce yourselves to us.

Speaker 5 (06:24):
We're so excited to be here. So we're Vanessa and
Xander Marin. I'm a licensed sex therapist.

Speaker 6 (06:30):
I'm a regular dude who happens to be married to
a sex therapist. And we've been together sixteen years, married
twelve years, so you know, I got to work the
regular guys perspective that's also has a bit of experience
with you.

Speaker 5 (06:42):
And so together we wrote a book, Sex Talks, The
Five Conversations that Will Transform Your Love Life, that came
out this year and was an instant New York Times bestseller.
And we really just focus on helping couples keep the
spark alive in their long term relationships, because I think
anybody who's been in the long term relationship knows you
have some ebbs and flows to it, right, like, it's
not always as exciting as it was at the beginning

(07:04):
of the relationship. So we're here to help people understand
why that happens and find that spark again.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
That's amazing. I'll just say the name of your book
slower because I think once we get talked and people
are going to really want to get this book. I
was looking through your I don't know, what do you
call the guides.

Speaker 1 (07:19):
That you put out pamphlets?

Speaker 2 (07:21):
To me, Well, it's not a pamphlets there, I'm looking
at the four play Guides, okay, and it's like it's
an instruction manual. It's kind of like what you wish
someone taught you, but no one ever did exactly, So
tell us two things before we get.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
Into imagine being like introduced into sex with one of
these instruction manuals.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
Yes, it really would have helped. Also, what about it?

Speaker 5 (07:48):
It would have helped?

Speaker 2 (07:49):
What about it? In high school if you had like
a communications class that wasn't like that was really about
how to have proper arguments and debates with your partner?
I mean, no one ever teaches you that either. Can
you just sorry, plug both things? How do people get
a hold of those guides and your book before we
get into it.

Speaker 5 (08:07):
So the book is called Sex Talks The Five Conversations
that Will Transform Your Love Life, And what that book
is all about is how to actually talk about sex?
With the person you are having sex with. So we
all have like heard that advice, Like, you know, you're
up late at night, you're googling your secret sex problems,
you're trying to find some answers, and it's at the

(08:28):
end of every article, like just talk about it with
your partners. Easier said than done, right, But it's such
generic advice. You're like, well, but what do I say?
And how do I say it? And these things are
embarrassing and tricky to talk about. So we took that
advice and we really made it super practical. So we
boiled it down into what are the five specific conversations

(08:48):
we think every couple would benefit from, and we walk
you through, like exactly how to have those conversations. So
it's not generic, it's really practical, straightforward, and we share
a lot of our own stories too, to like really
help normalize these conversations. We've learned all of our advice
from doing the exact opposite in our relationships, so we've

(09:09):
made a lot of mistakes, we've learned a lot of
great stuff, so we share all of that. So that's
Sex Talks, the book, and then the pamphlets, the guides
that you guys are referring to you know when it
comes to sex, Like we all want to be great
in bed, right, Like who doesn't want to be the
best their partner has ever had? But like you are saying, Zach,

(09:31):
like where do we learn about this? So definitely, yeah,
we have this like incredible pressure on ourselves to be
so good at it, but we've never actually learned how to.
And so again, like we're all about the practical. We
want to teach people things that like you feel like
you should already know, but you never really learned anywhere.
So we have a ton of guides, like we have
our Ultimate foreplay guides. We have a guide called Next

(09:53):
Level Intercourse where we show you again it's very step
by step like specific techniques, exactactly how to use your hands, exactly,
how to use your mouth the specific position, Like.

Speaker 1 (10:06):
So fucking helpful when I was younger.

Speaker 2 (10:11):
I I really I was just looking through it, and
you know, I really recommend them. First of all, how
do people get them?

Speaker 5 (10:18):
The guys, they can go to our website. It's vmtherapy
dot com. So it's my initials V M, T H
E R A p Y dot com. So those are
two of our most popular. But we have a guide
about butt stuff. We have how to initiate sex, we
have sex.

Speaker 1 (10:33):
They want to go right.

Speaker 2 (10:34):
Away, it right away, dude, What does a good interviewer do?
They start slow and then they get to the butt stuff. Okay, okay,
now I wanted to ask and anyway, I was just
looking through the guides and audience. You might think that
you're amazing in bed and you're like, you don't need instructions.
There was some very interesting info in there, and it's funny.

(10:56):
You know, we were joking, but no one ever teaches you.
Don't ever sits down and goes this is exactly what
you know people like, and of course it's unique to
each person, so people are afraid to have these conversations
directly with their partner. No one ever teaches you. So
I think it's a great service that you guys are
offering to sort of educate people in exploring what people

(11:17):
like and also talking about it.

Speaker 5 (11:20):
Thank you. It's like there's no shame in this. I mean,
there's always something new to learn. Like we both feel
pretty damn confident with our technique at this point, but
like we're always learning new things and trying new things.
And there's no shame in that, Like there it's so
much fun to explore sex, like explore in the bedroom
with your partner. So we want to take that shame away.
We want to make people feel excited about gaining some

(11:42):
new skills.

Speaker 1 (11:44):
There are so many questions that I have.

Speaker 2 (11:46):
I think Donald's never done homework for an interview before,
but he's got a pad and a pen.

Speaker 1 (11:51):
The first one I think we should start off with
is what is for play?

Speaker 5 (11:56):
So we actually hate the word for play.

Speaker 1 (11:58):
So what we're doing to me the interview play.

Speaker 5 (12:03):
So typically when people are referring to foreplay, we're talking
about like using our hands and our mouths on each other,
like the stuff that we do to warm each other
up to get ready for the real thing, which in
male female couples most of us think of as intercourse.
And so even just that word foreplay, it makes it
sound like these are the things you do before the

(12:23):
main act, and so it feels like these acts are
like they're less important, and sometimes people almost get annoyed
with it, like, oh, we have to do more for play,
Like I just want to have the real deal, like
let's get to it. But the reality is that for
us women, You are way more likely to make us
orgasm from foreplay, from using your hands in your mouths

(12:45):
than you are from intercourse. So eighty five to ninety
percent of women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone, Like only
ten to fifteen percent of women pain. Yeah, so the
vast majority of women need that foreplay. So it's not
that these are like the annoying things that we have
to do in order to have the main event, Like
these things are the main event for women.

Speaker 6 (13:06):
Yeah, But the problem with that terminology is that then
we get this idea in our head that oh, this
is this thing that we're just supposed to spend a
little bit of time on before. We also have that
whole like running the bases analogy, which also doesn't really
help because it's like, oh, well, why would I want
a double when I can have a home run? Right,
And so we get this idea that we should just
rush through that to get to the next thing, the intercourse,

(13:29):
when in reality, the intercourse can be very pleasurable, but
it's often not the most pleasurable act for one of
the people in the partnership. And so you know, we
think four place should be something that should be happening
throughout the whole experience, not just before.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Okay, I agree with that one hundred percent.

Speaker 2 (13:47):
Sorry, Mom, I want to take your sweatshirt off. You
need to like pat down your forehead.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
Getting hot in here.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
He's wearing his infamous Mickey Mouse hoodie and he's getting
all hot and bothered. So what do you think if
I know, this is probably a broad question, but when
a couple comes to you to ask questions and they've
been together a while, what are some of the most
common I know it's probably what your what your book
is about, but what are some of the most common
things that they say, Hey, we had a good sex life,

(14:17):
and we occasionally do have a good sex life, but
we've lost a little bit of the of the sizzle.
What do you advise How do you advise them? What?
What are some of the most common conundrums people come
to you with.

Speaker 5 (14:30):
The main thing that couples complain about is that their
sex life just doesn't feel exciting anymore. And they'll talk
a lot about the early days of the relationship, like, oh,
when we first met, we couldn't keep our hands off
of each other. We were having sex all the time.
It was really exciting, like very pleasurable. And then as
things go on, like the frequency slows down, the like

(14:52):
the window kind of narrows of what sex entails. So
a lot of couples are like, you know, they're not
actually even doing for play or anything exciting. It's just
like we get right to it. You can kind of
script out in two minutes, you know, like exactly what's
going to.

Speaker 6 (15:05):
Happen one or two positions at best.

Speaker 5 (15:08):
Yeah, and yeah, the sex itself just doesn't feel particularly
pleasurable or satisfying. In particular, there's a big orgasm gap
in male female relationships, so men are having a lot
more orgasms than women are having, and that can lead
to mismatches and desire too. So one of the things
that we call out in the book is the connection

(15:28):
between enjoyment and desire.

Speaker 1 (15:30):
Can I give my wife really quick?

Speaker 2 (15:34):
Donald Style's going to go get his wife because this
is just some backstory. Listeners of the show will He's
going to yell for her because I love this, because
you want to get on. He's going to use his
free therapy just as a backstory that our listeners will know.
Donald and his wife speak openly about a mismatch in desire.

(15:55):
He has the libido of a eighteen year old boy
and his wife does not.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
It's pretty interesting.

Speaker 5 (16:06):
Oh we're getting good, good grades already.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
She's scared, she said. Did you hear her say she's scared?

Speaker 2 (16:12):
No? Oh my god, Come meet Casey. But wait, this
whole show is not going to be come about this way.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Daniel, Casey, come down. I don't know nothing about raising
these schools, so tell me what to do about raising
these kids. And that's what it is.

Speaker 7 (16:31):
Hi, guys, you guys, this is Casey co Hi, guys.

Speaker 5 (16:34):
Hi, I'm Vanessa.

Speaker 2 (16:36):
That's Vanessa Xander. They were just about to talk about
a mismatch how couples deal. It's very often a mixedmatch
in desire. And I was sharing with them that this
is something that Donald and Casey deal with, and maybe
you can give them some advice. They Donald would like
to have sex at least once a day, and Casey,
i think it's safe to say, does not agree with.

Speaker 7 (16:58):
That I have sex one today.

Speaker 2 (16:59):
Yeah, so maybe you could give them, Like I'm sure
this is a common problem with our listeners that are listening.
Can you share some advice for them on how does
a couple get past this or deal with this.

Speaker 7 (17:09):
Okay, first off, let me just say I was staring
at you because you're wearing the exact same thing I am,
and we look alike twinsies. I was staring at you,
and then I was like, oh wait, I'm over here.

Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah, you're not married to the white guy.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (17:30):
Okay. So what we were starting to talk about is
one of the biggest causes for desire discrepancies in couples,
and this may not be the case for you guys.
There are a lot of reasons why we might have discrepancies,
but one of the most common ones that we see
is that it's actually a mismatch in the enjoyment that
the couple is having of sex. So there's a really
powerful connection between how much we enjoy sex and how

(17:53):
much we desire sex. So we're big foodies. I always
like to make food comparisons, like would you ever crave
a bowl of overly steamed mushy broccoli? Like, no, of
course not. It doesn't make sense to crave it, Like
most of us don't enjoy eating overly steamed mushy broccoli,
But we don't judge ourselves for like, why do I

(18:14):
never seem to want that, but a lot of us
are having sex that is kind of the equivalent of
overly steamed mushy broccoli. And then we beat ourselves up
wondering like why do I not want that? More? Especially
us women, we have this tendency to blame ourselves to
feel like something's wrong with us. But there's a huge
gap in how much men enjoy sex and how much

(18:34):
women enjoy sex. So again, may not be the reason
for you.

Speaker 6 (18:37):
Guys.

Speaker 5 (18:37):
I saw Donald's face when I said the mushy broccoli sex.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Donald, you were DESCRIBINGSCI.

Speaker 7 (18:45):
No, No, we have great sex. And I have to say,
but I think my my question, since we're being I'm
a foodie too, what do you do when you're just fool?

Speaker 2 (18:58):
You know that analogy is perfect.

Speaker 7 (19:01):
My thing is we have great sex, and I will
say our sex has gotten better as we've gotten older.
I will say that I'm one of those people. I'm
a very mental person. So when I have a lot
going on in my head, I'm kind of like, Okay,
I can designate this amount of time and space in
my brain to feel good and amazing with you and

(19:23):
love you. But then I got to get back onto
the fifty million other things I got going on as.

Speaker 5 (19:31):
Far as yes. So let me tell you so the
main the two most common reasons that we see for
these desire discrepancies. One is the enjoyment piece that I
just mentioned. The other one is an emotional connection piece.
Like a lot of couples, especially in long term relationships,
life gets busy, we have a lot on our plate.
We're just not feeling emotionally connected with each other, and

(19:53):
so it can make it feel really challenging to want
to be intimate if you're not feeling that closeness or
even if you you guys have been arguing, you're feeling resemful.
So those are the two most common ones. But what
you're speaking to is kind of like a third one
that is also quite common as well, of just the like,
I've got so much in my head that it feels
like there's not any space for desire. Does that feel

(20:16):
like it's just accurate?

Speaker 7 (20:17):
Yeah, And I don't want to say this is why
I didn't really want to come on, because sometimes I
feel like I'm misunderstood in our house.

Speaker 1 (20:25):
Have I know? I know?

Speaker 7 (20:27):
And so it's one of those things where we'll have,
you know, we'll have amazing sex, and then I'll be like, oh, wow,
that was really great, and then twenty minutes later he's
like that was so good, we should do it again,
and I'm like, babe, I gotta get on.

Speaker 1 (20:41):
I gotta get on with it.

Speaker 7 (20:42):
But that not only that, it's also when you say
the emotional disconnect, it's really hard to like, if we've
been not fighting, we don't really have big fights, but
I get real pissed off when shit's not done around
the house, or if I've done a bunch of shit
it and I come home from taking the kids to
school something that he has not done, you know, And

(21:06):
I come home and shit's everywhere, and I'm like, what
what just happened? But now you want me to all
of a sudden ride you like a queen. Like, no,
I don't feel.

Speaker 1 (21:17):
Like a queen.

Speaker 5 (21:18):
I feel like I just got shit.

Speaker 7 (21:19):
On and now it feels like a chore that you're
making me another chore that I'm having to do.

Speaker 5 (21:25):
Exactly this is super common. So you're talking about mental load,
which in male female relationships, studies have shown that women
carry the vast majority of mental load. It's like we're
always keeping track of you know, when do we need
to go grocery shopping? And I've got to pick up
the dry cleaning and are we out of this thing?
And I've got to reorder this thing and I've got
to make the appointment. It's like this endless list in

(21:45):
our heads that's always going, and the actual responsibilities piece
of it too, feeling like, hey, I'm running the house,
I'm taking care of the kids, I'm doing all the things,
and now sex is starting to feel like another thing
on this back miles long, endless to do list that
I have, and it takes the the feeling of like
intimacy and connection away from it, and it starts to

(22:06):
feel more like a transactional thing, like I've got to
check this off the list, just like I have to
check off on the grocery store.

Speaker 2 (22:12):
Totally.

Speaker 7 (22:13):
Yeah, And I hate, Okay, I do that because when
we do have when we are connected and we do
have great sex, it's amazing. But you know that's that's
it's like a roller coaster. It comes in waves, you know.
I mean, I'm not I'm not saying I mean I
do like to think and I'm going to say that
because sometimes I think these listeners think that I don't

(22:34):
be having enough sex. But I have a lot of sex,
like more than any married woman.

Speaker 5 (22:39):
I know.

Speaker 7 (22:40):
I am really going to bat over here, so you're
a generous partner. I'm sorry it's still not enough, and
I don't I don't want to ever feel like i'm
not because I am an overachiever when it comes to
getting my shit done.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
You know, let's take a break.

Speaker 2 (22:59):
We'll be right back after these fine words.

Speaker 5 (23:04):
For you, Casey, I want to ask you. You said
a minute ago, like you guys will have amazing sex.
You're feeling super connected. It feels really good. And then
he says we should do it again. And the way
that you described it, it felt like you kind of
like deflated in that moment, Like, oh, so I'm curious, Like,
tell me what happens for you when you're like you're

(23:26):
riding this high. Everything's been great, and he says we
should do it again, Like what's that deflation that happens
for you? It wasn't enough?

Speaker 7 (23:33):
Like yeah, exactly, it just wasn't enough, Like the constant
feeling I feel all day, like not so much just
from him. It's just it wasn't enough. So it's just more.
It's just more and everything, And when I think of more,
it goes into back what you're saying, the mental load
of he's not satisfied, So I can't check that off
my list because he's not.

Speaker 5 (23:55):
Satist's back on the list.

Speaker 7 (23:56):
Now back on the list.

Speaker 5 (23:57):
So okay, So so let me get Donald. I'm gonna
speak for you, but I'm guessing that what you're feeling
in that moment when you say that is like you
feel so connected to her, so in love with her.
It was fun, it was pleasurable. It was just like,
oh yes, And so I'm guessing that you hearing that
she's so deflated when you say that, you're like, oh no,

(24:18):
that's like the exact opposite of what I wanted you
to feel. So, Casey, what is do you different?

Speaker 1 (24:28):
No? No, no, no, absolutely not.

Speaker 5 (24:31):
What could he say to you instead of we should
do it again, which makes you feel like, oh shit,
I didn't do good enough. It's back on the list.
What could he say to you that's different that would
help you? Because I think what he's trying to say
is like, that was so fun, I feel so connected.

Speaker 7 (24:45):
To what's your day? Like, what can I help you
with today?

Speaker 4 (24:49):
Mm hmm?

Speaker 1 (24:50):
What could you say that right after sex. That's what
I don't want. I don't want sex to be a freak.

Speaker 5 (24:56):
We can do both. I can do both.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
How I'm going to give you some.

Speaker 7 (25:02):
Handle when we're getting dressed and stuff.

Speaker 5 (25:05):
So what are you going to do today?

Speaker 2 (25:06):
What do you have to now?

Speaker 7 (25:07):
Like, oh, do you need him?

Speaker 5 (25:09):
What's anything? What's the way that he could express to
you how much fun he had and how connected he
feels to you in a way that makes you feel
like that was good enough, that was great?

Speaker 1 (25:19):
Well.

Speaker 7 (25:19):
To be honest, Donald's very complimentary after sex, like he'll
fill me up and boos up.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Jesus, all right, can I see can I jump in here?
I one of the things we had a gynecologist on
and she she was answering some questions, but then she
deferred and said, you should really have a sex therapist
on this is And what she was saying is that
you know, some of these chores around the house that
Casey was feeling don't get done. That that's and that
can be an afrodisiac in a way by doing some

(25:52):
of the things, by taking some of the load off
of her. That that might be something that he could
be doing that would make her and.

Speaker 7 (26:02):
Wait, not to interrupt, but just for everyone to know
it's not so much chores like laundry, and it's like
you pick up the kids, you drive the forty five
minutes to the school and get the kids in forty
five minutes back with them yelling at you and treating
you like shit the whole way home.

Speaker 5 (26:16):
Do you see what I'm saying?

Speaker 7 (26:17):
Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely, it's both of our kids. It's
not just mine. They're not just mine.

Speaker 1 (26:22):
Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, kids have complicated a lot
of shit, you know what I mean. Like, as far
as it's like a fantasy over here, sometimes for me,
I'm going to keep.

Speaker 7 (26:31):
It one hundred with you, I agree, like, no fantasy.

Speaker 1 (26:36):
No doubt, Like the shit's just clean all of a sudden.
I'm like, wow, that should clean all of a sudden.

Speaker 7 (26:40):
Oh I got to be in the garage animating for
nine hours and nobody even.

Speaker 5 (26:44):
Looked for me.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, that's another.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
So don't use Sorry, I'll defer the prose. But don't
you see that that might be a root of some
of the problem in terms of you getting more of
what you want.

Speaker 5 (26:56):
It's a huge, huge part of it. So I think
I think there are two things that I would if
we were working together. There are two things that I
would work with. One is figuring out what's a better
way for Donald to communicate like after sex, I feel
so good, I'm so connected. I would probably suggest not
saying do you want to do that again? Right in
that moment. I would just focus on complimenting her, because

(27:17):
you're doing that already. It sounds like she feels good,
but you need to make her really feel like like,
just that was so good. I love you so much,
I'm really connected. I appreciate the way that you showed
up with me that moment that we shared, like thank you,
and then you know, we can talk about like you
can still express desire for her, but I would keep
it a little bit separate so she just gets that

(27:38):
to enjoy that feeling in that moment of like, okay, good,
he feels good. I feel good. That was enjoyable, and
so the perfectionism doesn't come up for you if like,
oh god, it wasn't good enough.

Speaker 1 (27:49):
Right.

Speaker 5 (27:49):
So that's one piece of it. The second piece of
it is dealing with the mental load aspect of it,
because this is a huge thing that comes up with couples.
Like I was saying, the majority of women carry the
mental load, and it really makes sex start to feel transactional.
And the great thing that I'm hearing from you guys
is like the sex itself is not the problem. It
sounds like you guys have fun, you feel connected, you

(28:10):
love each other, like it's really intimate and enjoyable. It's
just like getting there that's causing the challenge. So when
it comes to mental load, like, we highly recommend that
couples come up with a specific plan of how they're
going to share mental load and the actual responsibilities of
running the household, because if you guys are feeling like

(28:30):
if you don't have a specific plan, the majority of
it is just going to be falling to her, and
she's going to start to feel overworked and tired and resentful,
and she's not going to be able to show up
with that energy that you both want her to show up.
You guys have the same goals here actually, Like, it's
not that you're wildly mismatched, So I would think about, like,
what are the ways that you can share the responsibilities

(28:52):
a little bit more evenly, so you guys are feeling
more like teammates outside of the bedroom, and then that's
going to make it easier to feel like teammates.

Speaker 7 (29:00):
And I think that's our missing link. And and please no,
like he treats me like a queen, I feel a mate.
He's a wonderful husband to me, and he's a wonderful dad.
But I and in his defense, a lot of it
is is because I take on the role of getting
everything done because I like it done my way or

(29:21):
the right way. I do admit that. I do admit that,
you know, but you know, just for example, before this podcast,
you know, I'm worried. I'm in addition to the kids,
the house and everything else, which I don't have a
problem with. I love my kids, and I love taking
care of my beautiful home that I'm very fortunate to

(29:43):
have thanks to him. But I'm worried. Is your computer charged?
I'm checking my phone. Did Zach text me because he
wants because Donald's late or this? Or where is Donald
going today? He needs the map quest I have to
send him the address. I have to make sure I
give him the warning that it's time to get in
the car because the traffic is bad.

Speaker 1 (30:01):
It's just.

Speaker 7 (30:03):
And I do have to You could say, I don't
have to do those things. But I do have to
do those things because if I don't, guess what, Donald's
not there on time, Zach's angry, Zach's texting me, you know,
the computer's not charged, it's dead. Y'all are pissed off.

Speaker 2 (30:16):
What we've learned is I'm the reason that you guys
aren't fucking enough. That's really what I think.

Speaker 5 (30:21):
Zach's the entire problem here.

Speaker 1 (30:23):
She's got fake doctors on her shoulder as well.

Speaker 2 (30:29):
So yeah, I.

Speaker 7 (30:29):
Mean, I think what you're saying is right.

Speaker 5 (30:31):
Yeah, coming up with the plan together and as part
of the plan, so here's what comes up. Like a
lot of us women do the same thing. And we've
had this come up in our relationship too, Like if
this happens for everybody, but like we've been so socialized
to believe that, you know, our value is in taking
care of the home and making things run properly and
everything's good, and so we do have this idea in
our heads of the right way to do things, and

(30:53):
so we get frustrated and it's like, oh, can you
just unload the dishwasher, like I have so many things
to do, and then he unloads it in the and
it's like, oh, I shouldn't even have asked it, Like
now I have to redo it. I should have done
it myself. Right. So, in that conversation when you're making
a plan of like whose responsibility is what, and like,
it's got to be a clear plan. And part of

(31:13):
the plan also needs to be how does each thing
need to be done? So it's not enough to say
your job is, you know, doing all the dishes. We've
got to go through like, okay, how do the dishes
need to be done? What's the like acceptable standard? You know,
are there things that I need to show you that
you've never done before?

Speaker 1 (31:33):
You know what we need? We need that instruction manual.
Instruction instruction manual.

Speaker 2 (31:40):
All right, And I want to make it broadened it
out because I'm sure there's you know, we're speaking specifically
about their case, but I'm sure there's instances where the
dynamic is shifted where the woman has a much stronger
libido than the man. Correct.

Speaker 5 (31:53):
Oh yeah, absolutely. We actually have pulled our audience about
this because stereotypically, you think in a male female relationship,
like it's always the guy that has the higher sex drive.
But it's really not like We've pulled our audience about this,
and forty five percent of couples in male female relationships
say that it's actually the woman who has the higher drive.

Speaker 6 (32:13):
And we've been through long periods in our relationship where
Vanessa's had a higher sex drive than me. So this
is something that's super super common.

Speaker 5 (32:20):
Yeah, but it just doesn't never get talked about.

Speaker 2 (32:22):
Yeah, because that is something that's true. It's mostly what
they're talking about, I'm sure, is what's in the zeitgeist
of people thinking, oh, yeah, the guy always wants to
he's begging for sex. But so how did you guys
do with that? When it was when the tables returned
when you when you as the man, weren't feeling h
it and and she was like, what the fuck, come on.

Speaker 6 (32:41):
Well let's see I So, you know, this was early
early in our relationship. We definitely, we definitely did everything
the wrong way. This was you know, before we had
built up this business, and you know, it was probably
when you were still studying in grad school, right and
and so you know what happened for me was, you know,
I I took on all of this shame because it

(33:02):
was like, hey, I'm a man, I'm supposed to have
a higher sex right. That's the way I've been socialized.

Speaker 1 (33:06):
You know.

Speaker 6 (33:07):
All the messages that we get are like guys want
it whenever wherever, like however right, And it was like okay,
so like why why am I not wanting it? Like
something must be wrong with me? And so I would
get really down on myself. I would get really in
my head, and then that would in turn create more
issues for me, like performance issues. I would get excited
about doing it, and then I would get that thought

(33:29):
in my head of oh, we like are like are
you going to be able to are you going to
be able to last? Are you going to be able
to you know whatever? And then and then things would
kind of go awright. So for me, it was this
downward spiral initially.

Speaker 5 (33:41):
And the thing that I fucked up with is I
took it really personally, like, oh, he doesn't think I'm
sexy anymore, is not attracted to me, he doesn't want
to be with me anymore, which only put more pressure
on him that like now his sex drive has to
like prove to me how attractive he is to me?

Speaker 2 (33:59):
How did you get get out of the spiral?

Speaker 1 (34:01):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (34:02):
So I mean eventually we went to couples therapy and
started kind of peeling back the layers of the onion
because you know, I started realizing, Okay, I have been
unconsciously avoiding situations that I think might lead to intimacy
so that I don't have to ask those questions of myself,
and you know, and that's causing Vanessa to wonder, like,

(34:24):
am I really attracted to her? Like, you know, what's
wrong with me? And so we started talking more and
more about each of our experiences and kind of realizing that,
you know, we had been approaching each other kind of
in the wrong way.

Speaker 5 (34:39):
Well, so, yeah, and what realized, what we realized at
the time was like Xander was working super long hours
at a corporate job. He wasn't taking care of himself.
He was just constantly working and like really high stress
levels and just a really bad relationship with his body.
And so once we started talking about it more openly,
it was like, oh, those are some very understandable reasons

(35:01):
why you're not feeling super sexy, Like you're too stressed,
you're too busy, and there's literally no time for us
to have sex. So there were very understandable and practical
reasons why his desire had started to decrease, but we
just had gotten locked in this really bad cycle that
we couldn't see it. So once we started talking about it,
was like, oh, okay, we need to like, you know,

(35:22):
you needed to make some changes.

Speaker 2 (35:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (35:24):
I had to think kind of long and hard about
you know, what did my life look like. Was I
happy with the choices that I was making that was
getting me into this position where you know, I just
didn't really have much time, space or energy for intimacy.
So that that was one thing. So I kind of
had to stop compartmentalizing sex as like, oh, it's this
thing that happens regardless of what else is going on

(35:46):
in my life. And so you know, that caused me
to make a couple of changes around, you know, just
choices that I was making at work and you know,
stuff that I was doing in terms of like maybe
not getting very much exercise and stuff like that. And
the other piece of it was I needed to understand
better how my own sex drive worked, because for me,

(36:07):
I just assumed like, oh, guys are supposed to want
it whenever, wherever. But what I came to realize was
that actually there was a we know, this now, there
are two sex drive types. I assumed I had the
one that you know, this stereotypical male one, which is
called spontaneous desire, where the desire for sex, the thought
of sex just comes to you in your head first

(36:29):
like randomly, and then you take action, you know, with
your body to maybe initiate sex or to have sex.
But there's another type of desire called responsive desire, which
is when your body needs some stimulation before your head
gets the idea of ah, yeah, this sounds good and
so yeah, most men or more men have spontaneous desire

(36:52):
and more women have responsive desire. But what I found
for me is that I'm actually a bit more on
that responsive side, and so I had to rework buire
my brain in a way and in terms of thinking, oh, okay,
if I you know, if we want to have sex,
I need a little bit of time to kind of
calm down and to get you know, get myself ready
and maybe set the mood. And so, you know, it

(37:14):
was instead of it being like this, you know, this
snap initiation like hey want to do it? Like that's
not going to work for me, because like I need
to get myself excited and amped up about.

Speaker 2 (37:26):
It, but you do it or when you say responsive desire,
and this might apply to to to dial and casey
and the and the and the switch of the sexes
as well. But does that mean that she could your
wife could get you there by you know, giving you
a massage or or whatever whatever it is, touching your
body in a certain way.

Speaker 5 (37:46):
Yeah. Responsive basically means you're you need something to respond to.
You're not just like mentally going to think like, oh, yeah,
sex sounds great right now. So a classic sign that
you might be a responsive sex drive type is if
you've ever been in the middle of sex or even
at the end of sex, and you catch yourself thinking like,
this is fun. Why do I not seem to want
this more often? That's a classic sign. So it's just

(38:08):
like your body needs to get turned on first before
mentally the idea of sex sounds.

Speaker 7 (38:14):
I'm definitely responsive.

Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yeah, that's a that's a really that's a really interesting
Like there are times I think I'm a responsive person too,
but I'm also very uh, I'm also ready to go whenever.
But like there's this taboo that men are supposed to
always initiate whether they want to have sex or not,

(38:38):
and it's it's I want to feel desired too, you
know what I mean? It would be nice if Casey
was like, yo, well she's done it a couple of times.
I don't want to use you as an example, but
it would be nice if more often, Well, I gotta
use you as example. I got Okay. They are tellings

(39:02):
where it's like, all right, I'm horny. I know for
a fact she's horny, but I'm not gonna say nothing.
I wonder I would like hard to say to me, Yo,
what's going on in them jeans? You know?

Speaker 5 (39:20):
Do you want to initiate just like what?

Speaker 1 (39:21):
It doesn't happen, and then I wind up getting upset,
and then all of a sudden, I turned into.

Speaker 7 (39:26):
And then he doesn't sleep in the bed for three days.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
Right then I'm like some shit, like she's supposed to.

Speaker 7 (39:30):
I missed some off twenty four to seven, right.

Speaker 5 (39:37):
Yeah, No, I appreciate you saying that you guys are
doing such a great job just being vulnerable, so I
have to say that. But I think you're speaking to
something that a lot of men have a hard time admitting,
which is that they want to feel desired too. And
it's a lot of pressure to be the one who's
always initiating. Like, initiating is vulnerable, right if your partner it's.

Speaker 1 (39:58):
Like auditioning for free and for in pilot season yea,
and they're like no, no.

Speaker 5 (40:06):
No, no, no, no, yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:08):
Call back, and you're like I.

Speaker 7 (40:10):
And I'm the real blunt partner. So he'll say something
to me and and he'll be like, well, I'm not
going to juice it up. He'll be like I want
a fuck, and I'll be like I want to fuck you.
I don't even like you right now like that, I'm
not I'm not having that right now. I don't even
want to look at you right now.

Speaker 5 (40:31):
So you know what, a lot of guys do that
kind of bad initiation.

Speaker 1 (40:35):
I guess it's your truth. It's your truth.

Speaker 5 (40:38):
So most men do initiation like that, like wanna fuck
or just like honking your boobs or like smacking your ass,
that kind of thing. They do it like that because initiating,
for real is so vulnerable. So if Xander comes up
behind me and he can just like honk my boobs
and like, oh, get off me, what are you doing.

Speaker 6 (40:57):
I can be like, oh, I was just messing around.
Like plausible deniability, I wasn't actually trying to initiate sex.
You're crazy that you think I was trying to initiate sex, right,
So then I don't have to feel vulnerable and I
don't have to feel bad.

Speaker 5 (41:11):
Yeah so, but of course, like most of us, don't
like being initiated in that way. It's like, what you
why are you doing that? Like initiation, it's supposed to
feel like an invitation, supposed to feel like something that
we want to say yes to, but a lot of
us are We're so uncomfortable with that vulnerability that we
can't put ourselves out there.

Speaker 1 (41:30):
Yeah, but it ain't none like trying to initiate something
the proper way with the hug and the kiss and shit,
and then then being like, no, no, no, I don't
want to do this right now.

Speaker 5 (41:39):
Yeah, okay exactly to read there it is it hurts
so much more right read the room.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
I mean, listen, we said, there's two types of people.

Speaker 7 (41:49):
No, I know, but you also have to in my opinion,
you know, if I I don't know, I don't know
what other men are. Like, I've only had sex with
Donald for the past seven.

Speaker 2 (42:01):
Year year, she said, Yeah, three months, I've only had
sex with Donald for the past like seven months, so
I don't.

Speaker 5 (42:12):
You know, But so, Casey, what would be like in
your ideal scenario? And actually I want to ask both
of you this, what would be the perfect way for
your partner to initiate It would just be like so sexy,
so exciting, make you feel good like.

Speaker 2 (42:31):
Pants genes.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
Okay, So the best time, the best not the best time,
and it was horrible for me, but and then I
felt the pressure and I felt what it was like
to be her and now, oh shit, I got to
perform and stuff like that. But when we came back,
I came back from out of town from Miami, from
from Miami, and she's texting me in the car, get

(42:56):
that dick, like got too much, too much to right.
So I'm on my way home thinking like, yo, dude,
you gotta go. Oh ship, this is what we've been
waiting for.

Speaker 7 (43:08):
Side note, I'm like, I can tell he worked really
hard and he's exhausted and he's coming home and I
wasn't as pleasant when he left, so I'm going to
really put it on him.

Speaker 1 (43:19):
She said some things that.

Speaker 5 (43:24):
And then so was that Actually, you're like the best
way he came home and I put it on him.

Speaker 1 (43:31):
Yeah, but I you know, but I'm so in my
head about this ship that I'm like, yo, I'm not performing.

Speaker 5 (43:37):
Pressure on you right now.

Speaker 1 (43:39):
This is way too much pressure. You know. Please make
her bust. She got a bust, you know what I mean?
Like your wife.

Speaker 2 (43:50):
To stuff off the audience to know that the sex
service are both laughing at the word bus.

Speaker 5 (43:56):
I want to hear. This might be need to be
like a homework assignment for you guys, Like I want
each of you to think about because you're not you
didn't answer the question donald you gave me like one
that was that created a lot of pressure for you. So,
like what would be the ideal way to initiate? Because
that's something like most of us have never thought about
this question before, right, But it's kind of crazy because

(44:16):
it's like we we want our partner to initiate in
a good way, and we get annoyed with them when
they don't initiate in a good way. But most of
us have never taken the time to think about, like,
but what is what would a good way actually be?
For me? So you guys have to think about it
and then each other.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
That's a good homework assignment for you guys, and also
for couples who this speaks to to to write that
down maybe and then maybe have the vulnerability to share
it with each other, and maybe.

Speaker 7 (44:42):
That's they going to come Are you all going to
come back on?

Speaker 2 (44:44):
And well, I hope so, but no, no, no, you
guys happen to anytime to move on to other things
besides your guys sex life. And then but you, oh
you guys, give us.

Speaker 7 (44:54):
Your direct emails so we.

Speaker 2 (44:56):
Can have they are available for hire, just so you know, yes.

Speaker 5 (45:00):
Happy to help. I really appreciate you.

Speaker 2 (45:02):
I'll be right back after these words, and we're.

Speaker 3 (45:12):
Back and we're back.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
Well, thank you. I wanted to talk about some of
the other things because that's very good and very informative
on the subject of people not being on the same page.
How do you describe that libido not being smashed libidos?

Speaker 5 (45:30):
I mean, we talked about a lot of different things
get wrapped up in it, and that's why it's, yeah,
so interesting to start pulling apart the layers and you're like, oh,
this it makes sense.

Speaker 2 (45:38):
I was looking through your guide and it was very
informative and I wondered, what do you think are the
most we could do it for both men and women.
What do you think are the most common things that
women say to you? A man doesn't understand about what
turns them on because there's some information in the guides
I think is very helpful for men and or women obviously,

(46:00):
but what what do you find as someone who specializes this,
Women more often than not come to you and say,
my partner isn't getting that this is what works for me.

Speaker 5 (46:14):
The most common thing is truly the emotional intimacy aspect
of it. Like so many women want to feel more
of that connection from their partner, more of the like,
you know, he's not just paying attention to me when
he wants to have sex, Like he's connecting with me
all throughout the day, and it's simple stuff like make
eye contact with me, give me a hug, give me
a kiss, say nice things to me so that it

(46:35):
feels easier, you know when we get into bed at
the end of the night, to want to connect physically too.
So it's really the emotional intimacy. So much of the
stuff that we talked about with Casey, like helping out
around the house, even the chore play that what we
call it can be really your man, do some chores
can generally you'd be really good.

Speaker 2 (47:00):
Keeps coming up. It came up with the gynecologists as well.
I think that the idea of it seems to me
you're saying that women are turned on by mister clean, no,
by the guy actually doing the things she's always asking
him to do. And it sounds not just cleaning. In
Casey's example, it was taking the kids to school or whatever,

(47:23):
you know, like doing.

Speaker 1 (47:26):
It's not just taking the kids to school. It's making
the load. What I heard was it's making the load lighter.
So it's not it's it's a bunch of different things,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 5 (47:36):
It's being a real partner, like being a true partner.

Speaker 2 (47:39):
It's interesting when I asked you this question, I thought
you were going to say. When you said emotional connection,
my brain went to during for play and sex, eye
contact and emotional words and stuff like that. But then
it was even more interesting to me that you're like, no, no,
throughout the day, the chore play and the hugs and
the kisses throughout the day. But that's what women are

(48:00):
looking for.

Speaker 5 (48:02):
For women, I think a lot of women feel like
foreplay is all throughout the day. Like the way that
you treat me all throughout the day is going to
affect how I show up in the bedroom with you.
So it is really important to be able to have
that connection and to feel important to each other. And
I think for women too, I really think the cheat
code to women is doing what you say you're going

(48:25):
to do. There is nothing sexier to a woman than
a man who does what he says he's gonna do.

Speaker 2 (48:32):
Wow, that's a headline. Dale, write that down. Put that
in the headline.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
Everybody says it. Everybody's like, I mean what I say,
and I say what I mean.

Speaker 5 (48:42):
No, but a lot of people don't should not follow through.
And then and then we sh can't trust you. We
can't trust you, right, And trust is so important for
us to be able to let ourselves go in the moment,
you know. I think a lot of men, men and
women alike, like we want to be able to let
go during sex and just really like enjoy ourselves and

(49:02):
lose ourselves in that moment. And like we need to
feel that trust in you to be able to do that.

Speaker 6 (49:08):
And I think what can be really helpful for men
out there who you know, maybe we definitely haven't been
socialized in that way to think about like the emotional
connection throughout the day and how those household responsibilities might
tie into the emotional connection. So I think what is
super helpful for men. I know this has been super
helpful for me, is you know, starting to create a

(49:30):
habit of tying those things that I do around those
around the house, those chores that I have to the
way that they make Vanessa feel. So, for example, I
make the bed. That's one of my responsibilities around the house.
And Vanessa and I have different definitions of what you know,
done right is around the bed, Like, you know, I'm
fine just pulling the covers up, and you know, putting

(49:52):
the pillows on. Vanessa's like, oh no, Like you know,
I want everything nice and tucked in. I want I
want those pillows.

Speaker 2 (49:59):
Definitely, gosh.

Speaker 1 (50:02):
Understand them. I can't. I can't sleep when they're so comffy,
I know.

Speaker 6 (50:08):
And as soon as we get in, Yeah, as soon
as I get into bed, I'm taking all the pillows off,
and I'm like, why am I putting them on the
bed when we're just gonna mess them all up when
we get in the bed. Anyway, So, but what I
needed to learn was that for Vanessa, it's the experience
of walking into the room in seeing that really nice bed.
It's like it's like when you walk into a really

(50:29):
nice hotel room and you're like, oh, this is this.

Speaker 2 (50:31):
Is so nice, is so nice and peaceful.

Speaker 6 (50:34):
So for her, I've I've come to realize, like she
lights up when, you know, if I initiate sex and
we walk into the bedroom and everything is all nicely made,
She's like, oh, this is so luxurious. And so instead
of me getting caught up on, like, you know, feeling
resentful around like, oh well, why is her definition of
done so different than mine? Why she want these dumb

(50:54):
decorative pillows on the bed. I've retrained myself to think about,
she's gonna be so happy when she sees this, and
you know, and she's going to be so excited to
get into that bed with me. And so whether it's
the bed or.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
You reframe it, do you reframe it as chore play?
You're going, yeah, oh my god, if you could bounce
a quarter off that bed, she's she's getting more turned on.

Speaker 1 (51:18):
She is going to let you put a thumb in
the butt if you.

Speaker 5 (51:21):
Do that, right, Yeah, when it comes to sex itself,
the number one thing that we hear from women is
they want men to slow down. Yeah, and a lot
of that ties into the four play conversation that we
were having earlier. Like so many men, it's like you
hear a yes from her and you're like, okay, let's
get right down to business.

Speaker 2 (51:39):
Yeah, I miss my chance.

Speaker 5 (51:41):
Yeah, but so many women are like no, please, like
slow down. I want you to touch me all over
and kiss me all over and get me to the
point where I'm like begging you for more rather than
jumping right into it.

Speaker 2 (51:55):
Yeah. One thing you said, if I could quote your
guide is women are desperate for men to take more
time on the build up. So many people underestimate the
lead up. But many Volva owners say that the teasing
is their favorite part of being pleasured.

Speaker 5 (52:15):
Yeah, that is what we hear all the time, Like,
when you're teasing me like that, that's the most pleasurable,
most exciting part of the experience for something.

Speaker 1 (52:24):
Okay, well what if all right? This is that's for couples.
But my friend here, my colleague here is a single man,
and so there might be a different How do you
connect with somebody like how do you with sex? Like,
I'm sure when he meets somebody, he's like, all right,
that's the pressure right there. I got to perform because

(52:46):
maybe I want this person to come back, you know
what I mean?

Speaker 2 (52:48):
Of course, I think even in what they're saying that
I what I'm getting is even if it's not a relationship,
if it's a new thing, that that everything should be
slowed down, and that what she's saying is that women
are constantly saying that if if you just once things
start going, a man just starts rushing through everything. And okay,
let's get to intercourse where she's saying, women are saying

(53:11):
it doesn't matter, slow everything down, tease me. I think
that you know, like.

Speaker 1 (53:16):
Does that so that applies in the single life?

Speaker 2 (53:18):
Is why wouldn't Why wouldn't it apply to a single man?

Speaker 1 (53:21):
That's a statistic, right, So like, let's say you meet
somebody that's not like that, and it's like, I want
to fuck tonight. I don't want to just you know,
go through.

Speaker 2 (53:30):
She's not saying every single woman. I'm sure, of course
there's women who are just like, you know, let's get
right to it. But she's saying that one of the
most common things that they hear is that women like
being teased or edging right, edging edging slightly different.

Speaker 5 (53:46):
Edging is like when you're working towards orgasm and you
keep getting somebody to the edge of an orgasm and
then you back off.

Speaker 2 (53:52):
Oh, it's a different kind of days.

Speaker 5 (53:54):
But we're talking more about the earlier sta.

Speaker 1 (53:57):
These are these techniques in the instruction.

Speaker 2 (54:00):
Yeah, they're in the guys. I think my homework. Donald
didn't do his homework. I've been reading these guys and.

Speaker 1 (54:06):
The homework My life is the homework.

Speaker 2 (54:10):
You guys, don't do you mind if I quote some
of your your manual or no, go for it. Some
of the well, I find it very informative. One of
the things that do you like?

Speaker 5 (54:20):
The illustrations, they're great.

Speaker 2 (54:21):
I actually put some in our group chat. I put
some in our group chat to just to get Donald
I was trying to do. I was trying to do
some foreplay for the episode with Donald, and I send
him some of your imagery. Some of the example does.

Speaker 1 (54:34):
All it does is make me it would have been
a different interview. So I'm glad I didn't look at
the stuff massage.

Speaker 2 (54:41):
Here's some of the things massage your partner's body. Massage
brings blood flow to the area, increasing sensitivity. Just like
blood flow is crucial for getting a penis erec it's
equally important for getting a glitter is turned on. So
blood flow can lead to a delightful throbbing feeling between
your partner's legs.

Speaker 5 (55:00):
Yeah, you know, so we actually haven't talked about the
clitterists too much, and this is the cause of the
issue with intercourse. So on a man's body, the most
sensitive part is the penis. On a woman's body, the
most sensitive part is the clitterists. And so the problem
with intercourse is that there's not a whole lot of
clitteral stimulation, Like it's kind of in the vicinity, but

(55:23):
you're penetrating her vagina, and the vagina does not have
very many nerve endings, especially when you compare it to
the clitterius and the penis. The penis has like two
to three thousand nerve endings in it. The clitterists has
eight to nine thousand nerve endings, So it's actually way
more sensitive than the penis. And so when you're having intercourse,

(55:47):
so you're stimulating a part of her body that just
doesn't have a lot of nerve endings. So the comparison
that I like to make is from a nerve ending standpoint,
intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's.

Speaker 6 (55:59):
Balls, which can be nice like and maybe you even
get hard, you get excited, but you're not gonna you're
not going to stay hard very long. Like you're definitely
not having an orgasm.

Speaker 5 (56:08):
You're definitely not going to have an orgasm. And that's
the same thing for women, like it can.

Speaker 2 (56:15):
But I have a question, Donald, Donald, don't say you're
going to come from having a ball to play with, right, listen,
I have a question.

Speaker 3 (56:20):
I'm not going to say that you're like, I don't
know my balls, No, my balls.

Speaker 2 (56:27):
My question for you is this, Now there are women listening,
I'm sure who would say, oh oh, no, I I
am one of the people who can have an orgasm
from vaginal intercourse solely is that because the glitterist is
being stimulated during during sex by being brushed up against
Why is that? Why is that happening? For question? Yeah,

(56:48):
thank you, That's why I'm a good podcast. Yes, only
ten percent they're having it just because of the basically
the man's pelvis is doing a drive by of her
of her clit.

Speaker 5 (56:59):
Typically, so the most like the best position for female
orgasm is woman on top. And it's for that exact
reason that you're describing is your clitterists. It's like kind
of rubbing against your partner's lower abdomen, so you're getting
some clitteral stimulation that way. And the cool thing about
the clitterist is.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
Is why you recommended because the gut rubs against the ship.
So all these guys with all these.

Speaker 1 (57:29):
It's good for mental stimulation. But if you're really trying
to touch your six pack is a little bit of
a freaking beer gut.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
Then that's why Donald stopped working out.

Speaker 5 (57:43):
Go ahead, Sorry, that's what's happening for the majority of
the times. But the cool thing about the glitters is
it does you know, there is that little nub of
skin that we see like visible, but it also does
extend up into the body and it's kind of you know,
it's placed in different ways based on different people's anatomy.
So for some people you can stimulate it internally through

(58:04):
the walls of the vagina. But I kind of compare
it to like getting a massage on like getting a
massage on your bare skin versus getting a massage when
you're wearing a wool sweater. Like, sure, you might be
able to feel some simulation getting the massage over the
wool sweater, but it's like a little bit harder. So
for those that small percentage of women, some of them
just happen to naturally have a clitterist. That's like those

(58:27):
interior portions of it are a little more sensitive. Maybe
they're in a spot where it's easier to access them,
but for the majority of us, it's like we got
five wool sweaters on and you're not feeling anything.

Speaker 2 (58:37):
So the good news.

Speaker 6 (58:37):
The good news though, is that the clitterists can also
be stimulated during intercourse and very easy. So we are
you know, we are always advocating for more clitteral stimulation.
The reality is that you know, when you combine those
two things that can be yes extremely pleasurable, and very
often that's them.

Speaker 2 (58:54):
So do you recommend bringing like a small vibrator or
a bullet into intercourse?

Speaker 1 (59:01):
So that's constantly I say, bring whatever you need to.

Speaker 2 (59:04):
I asked the professionals, not asking you.

Speaker 1 (59:06):
You don't know shit, guess what they're going to say.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
Do you recommend Obviously people can digitally stimulate, but do
you do you recommend people bring some sort of vibrating
thing in that's constantly going on the glitteriust while the
man is entering the vaginal canal.

Speaker 5 (59:22):
Donald, I'm trying to professor, I'm trying to counteract you
because you're like I got a nut and.

Speaker 2 (59:31):
I'm trying to fucking be the antidote to the way
you talk. Sorry to answer the question, guys.

Speaker 5 (59:38):
Donald's right here. We say bring bring whatever you can.
So if you like using a vibrator, that's great. There
are some like small ones that can you know, slip
in between your bodies, or there are different positions you
can be in where you can use any size of toy.
Or if you just prefer using your hands, using your
partner's hands doing cowgirls, so you're rubbing up against your
partner's abdomen. But we can we have this like ABC rule,

(01:00:01):
always be touching the clit, So always be touching the clit.
We dropped those two tea's.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
Writ that home. Write that down at home. Everyone. Donald
literally brought a notepad. I've never seen him bring a
notepad to an interview. Always be closing always be closing.

Speaker 1 (01:00:20):
My wife said it, we do have good sex.

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
It's it's well, imagine you should try bringing a little
small vibrational device in and maybe it will drive her
even more crazy, because I bet that's going to lead
to another thing that you advocate for, which is the
obvious shaking it up, surprising your partner.

Speaker 5 (01:00:38):
Right, Yeah, we do advocate mixing things up in the bedroom.
Research has shown that when we do new things with
our partner inside and outside of the bedroom, our brains
light up. Like this is why we all talk about
the early stage of a relationship with so much fondness
because everything felt new, right, it felt so exciting, and then

(01:00:58):
we get you know, six months, a year and a relationship,
we're doing the same old thing over and over and
over again, and then wondering like whys and as exciting
because you're not mixing it up. You're not doing new
things anymore. So if you continue like just bringing, you know,
bringing new things into the bedroom, trying new things, there's
always something new to explore. But a lot of times

(01:01:19):
people hear that advice and they go to an extreme like, oh,
we've got to be doing some real kinky shit all
the time. And like constantly pushing off the bad right,
they come.

Speaker 2 (01:01:27):
Home with like a rubber fist, right if.

Speaker 5 (01:01:30):
You want to do all the kinky stuff your heart desires.
But sometimes, for a lot of couples in long term relationships,
mixing it up could be something as simple as like,
what's something that you used to do in those earlier
stages of the relationship that you haven't done in a while.
And it could be something as simple as like oral sex.
Maybe you haven't gone down on your partner in a

(01:01:51):
really long time, like bring that back. Or maybe you
guys are like always having sex in the bed, could
you do it on the sofa or on the washing
machine or something like that. So it's like mix it
up a little bit. It doesn't have to be extreme.

Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
I like that.

Speaker 1 (01:02:04):
Let's take a break.

Speaker 2 (01:02:05):
We'll be right back after these fine words.

Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
Okay, Now, what happens when kids are thrown into the situation,
Like you're a married couple and you have one, two, three,
four children nine in my case, no no, But what
happens when you have children, like and now sex is
something that you got to sneak off and do, and
you know there's something fun in that obviously, But then

(01:02:37):
it becomes it also is like damn shit, we gotta
fucking go be quiet and do this. We gotta go
find an area. We can't just do it like we
did it when we were dating, like when you know
what I mean? So, yeah, what happens then? Like I
guess my question is how do you repair your sex

(01:02:57):
life when it's that you know what I mean?

Speaker 5 (01:03:00):
Kids definitely make things a whole lot more challenging for
a lot of reasons, Like you know, I mean, it
completely changes a woman's relationship with her body. It brings
up all those questions about mental load and responsibility and
how we're dividing things up. You know, are we feeling
like a true partnership? Do we have quality time with
each other? Like that's a whole episode in and of

(01:03:20):
itself talking about that. But I think, you know, some
of the simplest things that you can do are really
trying to carve out some quality time where you get
to focus on being partners not just parents. Like it's
so easy to lose your identity as a couple because
you're so wrapped up in being parents, So you're not

(01:03:41):
going to be able to be as spontaneous as you
would without little people running around the house. But you
can still have date nights. You can still you know,
maybe it's like in your room, you're going to go
have sex in the closet, or you're gonna put a
rug down on the floor or something like that, Like
you can still do little creative things there, and definitely
getting away for any sort of like even if it's

(01:04:03):
just a staycation for one night, send the kids with
Grandma and grandpa or whatever you can do, like we.

Speaker 1 (01:04:09):
Don't have that type of sitution.

Speaker 2 (01:04:11):
Well, when she's talking to hundreds of thousands of people,
not just here.

Speaker 1 (01:04:14):
I know, but I'm saying, I'm saying there are a
lot of people out there that are in the same
situation that Casey and I are, and a lot of
people don't have a lot of people don't have support
outside of their own.

Speaker 5 (01:04:25):
Yeah, a lot of people don't. So it's you know,
it's just it comes down to being as creative as
you can. And I don't want to make it sound
like it's super easy, Like kids really make things so
much more challenging, and I think parents like are not
prepared for that, and then they feel a lot of
shame and frustration and guilt. So it's it's trying to
get creative and see, like what is it that you
can do. So maybe it's like, do you have a

(01:04:46):
like friends that also have kids where you guys could swap,
like we're going to take care of your kids, where
you guys have a date night and then you'll trade
and we'll have the date night.

Speaker 6 (01:04:55):
Yeah, And one is why it's so important to just
be able to talk about this stuff openly because so often,
you know, we don't really talk that openly about our
sex life. You know, before we have kids, we think, oh,
sex is just this thing that happens, you know, it
happens at the end of the night. We've done it
this certain way for all these years, and then all
of a sudden, like you were saying, Donald, like you
have kids, and then it's like, oh, we got to

(01:05:17):
be really strategic about this. There's there's specific windows of
time that we can and can't have sex, and it's
so important to be able to talk about that. And
you know, ideally before you have kids and maybe you know,
while she's pregnant and really right at the beginning, so
you can really acknowledge like, yeah, this isn't going to
be like it used to be before, because if you
don't talk about it, what happens is you just end

(01:05:39):
up kind of feeling resentful, like, hey, it's not fair,
it's not like it used to be. But the reality
is is going to change.

Speaker 1 (01:05:46):
And it's so.

Speaker 6 (01:05:46):
Helpful to be able to acknowledge that and then talk about, Okay,
what is our plan for sex? You know, maybe it's
not something that can just happen anymore. We have to
make it happen. So when are we going to make
it happen? What are the windows of time that are
good for us, what are the windows of time that
are bad for us? And how do we structure all
the responsibilities in the schedule so that we can make

(01:06:08):
it happen on a more regular basis.

Speaker 2 (01:06:10):
I want to just circle back to the other side
of things. I had asked you, what do women most
commonly say that they wish men understood? If I could
ask you the opposite, now, what do men most often say?
One of the things I think you touched on is
that they're expected to always be the horning one and initiate,
and that, of course, is something we've already crossed. But

(01:06:32):
what else do you think that men would say, I
wish my partner, my girlfriend, my wife understood this about
my sexuality.

Speaker 6 (01:06:42):
I think the number one thing that men would love
women to know is that when men want to have sex,
it's because they want to feel emotional connection with their partner.
It's not because they're just horny and you know, they
have an itch, they got a scratch. I think that's
one of the biggest things that men get misunderstood by,

(01:07:03):
you know, the female partners, just like, oh, he just
wants to get off. And the reality is most men
haven't been socialized to know how to have really solid
emotional connection outside of sex. Sex is one of the
number one ways that we feel comfortable opening up and
being vulnerable and expressing our love. And so when we

(01:07:23):
are trying to have sex, it's not because we're just horny.
It's because that's part of it, but that's the whole thing. Yeah,
But it's not like, oh, I just want to have
sex with anybody. It's like, I want to have sex
with you because I love you, and that's how I
show you that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:37):
I love you.

Speaker 5 (01:07:38):
And I'll piggyback off of that too. Like I think
men want women to be excited about intimacy too. A
lot of men are like, I don't want to just
have sex to my partner, Like, I want to have
an experience together. I want to know that she wants me,
that she wants to do this, that she's excited. So

(01:07:58):
don't just like we're good. Yeah, Like men don't want
they don't really want you to just throw them a bone,
like they want you to participate in this experience with them.

Speaker 1 (01:08:09):
Yeah, there's a thing. There's a thing called mercy fuck
and that's not on anybody's list of enjoyable. Yeah, that's
like please, no, thank you. No.

Speaker 5 (01:08:25):
Yeah. Men, I think like men can tell, and I
think that's something women don't realize, is we think like,
oh okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:08:32):
I think women can tell too. Though I think not
only can men tell, women can tell when the dude's
not into it, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:08:39):
Yeah, you know you want.

Speaker 1 (01:08:41):
To talk about rejection. Shit, you think a guy that
guys are not used to getting rejected. Imagine being a
being a woman and being like I want to fuck
and the dude being like, nah, that's not to feel
like shit.

Speaker 2 (01:08:55):
Well that's what happens. I mean obviously, that's one thing
they were talking about earlier, is that this stairy type
that the man feels like he's always got to be
the one who's who's down for it, and and you know,
you're someone who is clearly always down for it. But
I think there's a lot of men out there who
are like who who who break the stereotype? And you're like,

(01:09:16):
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I'm not in the mood tonight.
And then that there's a shame for the man of like,
oh am I not Am I not masculine enough? Because
I don't feel.

Speaker 1 (01:09:25):
What about the woman who has to deal with that?
Who has to You know, that's a that's a real
strong blow to an ego. You're you're supposed to be
the one that that's desired, you know what I mean, stereotypically,
and then all of a sudden, you throw yourself out
there and you make yourself vulnerable and he says, nah,

(01:09:47):
I'm not I don't I don't want to do that. Yeah,
imagine you know, the whole conversation is everything. You know,
what I heard from my wife was my wife wants
you know, she's not There's a part of it that's
also she wants she wants to feel attractive in this
situation too. And if she doesn't feel that because of
all of the things that are going on in her mind,
she you know, if she doesn't feel that, then she's

(01:10:10):
not going to perform the way she wants to perform. Right.
So imagine saying to somebody, now you're begging for sex
with a dude, and he's like, nah, I'm not in
the mood. I don't want to do it, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
We need to wrap up soon, but I want to
know this is too good an I want to end
on something. Donald was very excited to talk a little
bit about ass play, and he has a famous I'm
going to play you end of the show. I don't
want to. It's like, I don't want to end the
episode without Donald getting to ask his questions about ask play.
But this is a famous SoundBite we play on our show.

Speaker 1 (01:10:41):
Whether it be taking a poop, whether it be a finger,
whether it be a tongue, whether you know, everybody likes
a little ass play.

Speaker 2 (01:10:50):
Now I'm not sure that that that's true, but that
is Donald's perspective. I wanted to read a little bit
from your guide if I can. This is from the
four Play Guide Penis edition, it says venture back Door.
Gay and bimen are usually pretty clued into the delights
of the Anus, but straight guys can be more squeamish
since the anus is still pretty taboo in our society.

(01:11:12):
But the anis has tons of nerve endings and feels
good for people of all genders and orientations. So can
you speak to that? Since Donald, I'm excited for that.

Speaker 1 (01:11:24):
Okay, not you.

Speaker 2 (01:11:25):
I'm not asking you to speak to it. I'm asking them.

Speaker 1 (01:11:28):
I got more questions to go on top of that.
That's all I know.

Speaker 2 (01:11:31):
But the show is usually an hour long time, but
go ahead, guys, not this one.

Speaker 5 (01:11:36):
Yeah, we have a we have a whole separate butt
stuff guide because we really want to encourage people to
explore back door. Like, it's really frustrating that there is
still this taboo around anal play, especially for straight men,
because we just have we all have nerve endings there.
It doesn't matter who you like to have sex with,
we just all have those nerve endings there. So yeah,

(01:11:58):
we really walk you through all the different ways to play.
And I'm glad that Donald has its great little sound
clip because I think one of the big misconceptions that
people have is we think the only way to do
it is to have intercourse, Like there has to be
something going into the butt, like a you know, penis
or a toy or something like that. But fingers, tongues,
like just a little play around the outside can be

(01:12:19):
really fun. It can be a great way to like
just play around with it initially and see, like do
I like this? Do I want to go a little
bit further? So fingers are a great starting point.

Speaker 1 (01:12:29):
Okay, do you recommend washcloth in the ass before this stuff?

Speaker 5 (01:12:36):
You do not need to do anything special. Definitely don't
shove a washcloth out there. Things like you can take
a shower beforehand, especially if you're like brand new to this,
you're feeling a little bit nervous, you're screamish about the cleanliness.
But don't go up into your ass, like just wash
on the outside, very gentle. So wash cloth, I'm really.

Speaker 2 (01:13:01):
You know how they say don't put it now? They
say don't put a cute tip in your ear canal.
Don't you know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:07):
Everybody puts the Q tip in their your canal? So
I know, I don't know if this is good advice.

Speaker 5 (01:13:14):
You can clean up a little bit back there for sure,
you don't have to, but it will probably help you
feel a little bit more comfortable.

Speaker 4 (01:13:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (01:13:20):
But regardless of regardless of what amount of cleanup you
do or don't do, you always want to make sure
that you are never touching the vagina or the volva
with the same finger or hand that you are touching
the Bible.

Speaker 1 (01:13:34):
Yeah, you can't go from ass to Okay, so that
down donald, Wait, hold on, so that.

Speaker 5 (01:13:39):
Is vagina to ask, but not from ass to vagina.

Speaker 1 (01:13:43):
So once you go ass, let's go clean. Yes, and
then we can go vagina again.

Speaker 2 (01:13:48):
Right, because that will cause obviously infections or bacteria in
the vaginal canal right.

Speaker 5 (01:13:53):
Yes, correct?

Speaker 1 (01:13:55):
Okay, well people you need.

Speaker 2 (01:13:56):
To write that down down well.

Speaker 1 (01:13:58):
No, because they ain't allowed to ask. Play over here, baby,
Oh the thing is.

Speaker 2 (01:14:04):
Well, once you put your washcloth, maybe things will change.

Speaker 6 (01:14:07):
Yeah, you've been doing it wrong this whole time.

Speaker 1 (01:14:09):
That's what it is. That's what it is.

Speaker 2 (01:14:11):
Do you think that men are are I mean, this
is obviously something that's in in porn more and more,
But do you think that like it feels like there's
this cultural shift to straight men being more open to this.

Speaker 5 (01:14:23):
M h, Yeah, and I love that because again, it's
like anal play has no orientation to it, Like it's
just really unfortunate that we've made this connotation with it,
like we always we always talk about like, Okay, sure
there are lots of gay men who love anal sex.
You know what else, lots of gay men love blowjobs.
Anybody calling it like a guy who loves blowjobs, like, oh,

(01:14:46):
he's secretly gay, he's really into those blowjobs, Like of
course not, so we have to take away the really
silly taboo around it. But yeah, I'm glad to see
more straightmen feeling more open to exploring back door.

Speaker 2 (01:15:00):
All right, well, thank you guys. This has been incredible
and I just want to thank you, and I hope
you'll come back with we could do a whole other hour.

Speaker 1 (01:15:07):
We're going to do the homework.

Speaker 5 (01:15:09):
Yeah, I'd love to hear how it goes with you guys.
I appreciate you guys sharing your story and being so vulnerable,
and I'm happy to come back and do a little
check up.

Speaker 2 (01:15:18):
And will you please plug both things again, because I
really do think if you're listening to this, this guide
is really no joke. It's there's both one for penis
and vaginas. It's very informative. I'm learning. Oh there's also
a butt one I don't have that. I wasn't sent
that one. But tell everyone how they.

Speaker 5 (01:15:34):
We can send you the butt one.

Speaker 2 (01:15:36):
Give me, give me the works, I want the pull package.
But tell our audience how they can not only get
your guides, but the book that you guys wrote together.

Speaker 5 (01:15:43):
So they can head over to vmtherapy dot com, v
M T H E r A p y dot com
to find the ultimate four play Guides, Next Level Intercourse,
Butt Stuff, Dirty Talk, the Art of Initiation, the Sex Challenges.
We have so much fun stuff to check out there.

Speaker 6 (01:15:59):
And if you want to pick up the book, you
can get that at sextalksbook dot com and it has
links to all the retailers. Once you buy the book,
if you go back to that page and fill out
a quick little form with your order info, we'll send
you a free workbook that goes along with the books
so that you can get as the most out of
it possible.

Speaker 5 (01:16:17):
And then we're also super active on Instagram. We're at
Vanessa and Xander and Xander is spelled with an X,
so all of the things are linked there as well,
and we put out a lot of like stories every
day talking about sex relationships, giving you all the tools
and techniques.

Speaker 1 (01:16:33):
So there's a work book to the book.

Speaker 2 (01:16:35):
Also, do you fill it out while you're having sex
or do you have to wait while when you're done.

Speaker 5 (01:16:40):
Yes, while you're having sex, you're like, please fill out
the workbook.

Speaker 2 (01:16:46):
This feels nice.

Speaker 1 (01:16:47):
Give me the.

Speaker 5 (01:16:50):
Feel clinical at all? Yeah, you can just get a
little clipboard, like pin it to the headboard. And you know,
now we do we do not advocate taking notes during sex,
but the work can be helpful outside of the bedroom.

Speaker 2 (01:17:02):
All Right, you guys, thank you so much for coming on.
We really appreciate you.

Speaker 1 (01:17:06):
Underous applause, Daniel, that was great. Casey really liked that man.
That was the first time she ever left here, not
being like I mean she wanted to sit down and
stay and then when it was over, she but when
it was when you were like we got to move on,
I could tell she was like, shit, I got so

(01:17:29):
many more questions.

Speaker 2 (01:17:30):
You know, they were available for hire. Donald, you could
have a private.

Speaker 1 (01:17:33):
You know, I'm gonna be honest with you. Absolutely, I
think everybody should go to some form of therapy in
their life, and so that is something that maybe Casey
and I will explore. But first of all, Joelle, kudos
to getting them.

Speaker 2 (01:17:46):
Yeah, great, Yes, Joe. By the way, I want to say,
you know, we're looking for people to develop podcasts for
we should develop a podcast for them. They're incredible.

Speaker 1 (01:17:55):
I mean, they could talk forever about the sex, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:17:58):
And then you could have you could have couples come
on and and and share their story and have them
give them advice. I would. I think that would be
very popular. I agree, Joelle. Don't you.

Speaker 1 (01:18:11):
Do they have a podcast already.

Speaker 4 (01:18:13):
I they do Instagram videos and they went TikTok viral
after she said that, they posted a video about how
they make out every day as a way to, like you,
spark alive in their relationship. That Yeah, yeah, totally.

Speaker 2 (01:18:26):
Stephanie sent me that video and I was like, we're.

Speaker 1 (01:18:30):
That's actually a really good one right there. Yeah right.

Speaker 2 (01:18:34):
And also I just think like people love hearing that
they're not alone and they have X y Z. Everybody
has the same issues, and that's why I think that
the episode is good because so many things we talked
about people are going to want to talk about.

Speaker 1 (01:18:45):
I think that's why Casey responded the way she responded too,
because she's like, oh shit, it's not just me. She said,
she was like, this is classic. This is a classic
case of and there was a there was a remedy
for what Casey's ailment was and my ailment was, and
it wasn't. It didn't make us feel like we were alone.

(01:19:05):
And that's that's perfect example that Zach. Absolutely bro let's
take a break.

Speaker 2 (01:19:11):
We'll be right back after these fine words.

Speaker 1 (01:19:21):
This segment of Fake Doctor's Real Friends is brought to
you by T Mobile five G Home Internet, protecting you
from exploding bills with the price lock guarantee.

Speaker 2 (01:19:30):
Visit t mobile dot com slash Zach to check availability.

Speaker 1 (01:19:33):
Hry hold up man, that's your name all right?

Speaker 2 (01:19:36):
And now Joelle, what do you have for us?

Speaker 4 (01:19:38):
We got some letters. I thought we took a little
a quick mail bag, so I pulled three letters.

Speaker 1 (01:19:42):
They're really sweet.

Speaker 4 (01:19:43):
Our first one comes from September Quinn September Rights. First,
I wanted to say how much I enjoyed the podcast
throughout the years. I never laughed so hard as I
did with all the antics and observations of you guys.
This is the first time I've emailed. At first, I
was bummed that you had to stop talking about Scrubs
episodes with a strike going on. But I have really
enjoyed the episodes in the meantime. Hearing from different people

(01:20:04):
like Elizabeth Banks, the Vagina doctor Adam about the writer's
strike and now Andy about alcohol has been great. I
was really excited when I opened up the pod to
day and saw Andy was going to be on Long story.
Short years ago I got involved with his group one
year No Beer took their challenge to go alcohol free
for twenty eight days, then three months, then a year.
Andy and his group helped change my relationship with alcohol.

(01:20:25):
I haven't been drink in years and I seldom drink
alcohol now. It really is a healthy, life changing concept.
I enjoyed the points they all brought up in the episode.
I just wanted to say thanks for having him on,
as well as all the other guests. Perhaps when the
reviews of Sorry, Perhaps when the review of the episodes
are finished, they can continue to make a podcast just
like this with different perspectives on a lot of different things,

(01:20:45):
particularly in regards to health, lifestyle, mental health, et cetera.
To keep in line with the Scrubs theme. It's really
these kinds of things mixed in with kind of humor
Zach and Donald bring to everything. Thanks again for a
great show.

Speaker 2 (01:20:56):
September, Quinn, that was September. First of all, I never
met someone named September. That's a great name. That is
exactly what Donald and I are feeling. And I'm getting
this kind of feedback all over the place, people really
loving it. And just in time, Donald, because you know,
Donald and I have been brainstorming of what the show
is going to be, as you guys all know, because
we made it a part of the show, and the
strike has forced us to start doing some of the

(01:21:18):
things that we wanted to do, which was to bring on,
you know, interesting people. And I'm just so glad that
people are liking it. My assistant Mark actually said to me,
he goes to be honest, I'm liking the show so
much more. But I don't think that he was necessarily
a Scrubs viewer, But for him, he's really loving these episodes.

Speaker 1 (01:21:38):
I love it too. I'm just as a host of
the show, I love it too. You know, we were
just talking about switching it up in the bedroom. Sometimes
it's nice to switch it up and talk about other things.
I do miss talking about that show we were on,
you know what I mean that I can't talk about.
I do miss talking about you know, I do miss
having some of the guests that were on the show.

(01:22:00):
That's something we can do. Also having your guests with
you know, bring Sarah Chalk on and Sarah Chalk talks
to the vagina doctor.

Speaker 2 (01:22:08):
I'd love to hear Sarah talk up to the vagina doctor.

Speaker 1 (01:22:11):
Yeah, you know what I mean. So, you know, maybe
that's what it is. Also, I don't know. All I
know is I like what we're doing right now. Also,
and the strike. As much as I want to get
back to work and I understand why we're striking and stuff,
I do like the fact that we were able to
pivot and find something else that was interesting and it
turns out that it's a bunch of things, you know

(01:22:33):
what I mean? Yeah, you know, I like the idea
of us still being fake doctors and real friends, but
just talking about other things.

Speaker 2 (01:22:41):
Well, we don't have. The good news is it's we
don't have that many more Scrubs episodes, right, Joel. I
mean we have the.

Speaker 1 (01:22:46):
Trial for news that's bad news.

Speaker 2 (01:22:48):
Well, I'm just saying. What I meant to say is
it's good news that we're finding a way to keep
the pod going because we enjoy it so much. Because
Scrubs episodes wise, when the scrape, when the strike is over.
I know we have the twelve episodes from season nine.
How many do we have left in season eight?

Speaker 4 (01:23:05):
Oh gosh, I don't remember off the top of my head,
but not that many. I think we're about halfway a
little over halfway, all right.

Speaker 2 (01:23:11):
So maybe there's I don't know, seventeen or so episodes left. Yeah,
there are eight left in the season we haven't covered,
all right, So by my mask, that's twenty episodes of
Scrubs rewatch left.

Speaker 1 (01:23:26):
You know what you should play? The more you know?
Sound song? Right there, Daniel, No, you know what you
I wish we could play that the Scrubs same Do
Do Do?

Speaker 4 (01:23:35):
Do? Do? Do?

Speaker 2 (01:23:39):
All right? Thank you, September, go ahead, Joelle.

Speaker 4 (01:23:41):
All right. Our next letter comes from Rob Rob right,
heysz Ecdonald. I thought the two of you might get
a kick out of this.

Speaker 1 (01:23:50):
Here's what he said, so as.

Speaker 8 (01:23:53):
A sure excellent blood shoving you some scrubs Scrubs today
and it's simply.

Speaker 2 (01:23:58):
Guy love.

Speaker 8 (01:24:02):
And I can tell you this seemed like a much
better idea of actually having to do this right now. Anyway,
it goes a little something like this, it's guy love.

Speaker 2 (01:24:15):
That solid is skuy love.

Speaker 8 (01:24:18):
He's not loved his There's nothing gay about it in
our eyes. And when I say I love you, Dan,
it's not what it implies in sky love. It'sten to guy.

Speaker 2 (01:24:43):
Nice. It's the best man toast. So yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:24:47):
So the rest of his letter says, this is a
short clip for my best man speech over the weekend
for my best friend of over twenty years, Dan. We
spent literally hundreds of hours bending scrubs in our teenage years,
and I can think of no quote, poem, or reading
morphitting to sum up my feelings toward the grooms and
an addition of guy love. This question performance was preceded
by a brief synopsis of Scrubs and an explanation of

(01:25:07):
why Turk and JD's relationships resonated with us so much.
It's like I married my best friend, but in a
totally manly way. Thanks for endless hours of entertainment throughout
the years and providing the perfect musical number to send
my buddy off into married life. He is a turk
to my JD. Greetings from across the pond, Rob from London.

Speaker 2 (01:25:23):
Oh that's very sweet, Rob, very sweet, and thank you
for loving the show. And uh and by the way,
a great idea if you're if you if you have
to give the best man speech and you have no
idea what you're going to do, just sing a little
little bit of guy love. Hell yeah right, Donald.

Speaker 1 (01:25:42):
Yeah, yeah, I want to say one thing that took
guts to do in front of that whole family.

Speaker 2 (01:25:51):
That like, and they weren't the warmest crowd like.

Speaker 1 (01:25:54):
That, and they were not the warmest crowd crowd kind
of they were kind of like they were kind of
laughing at him, like all right, wrap this shit up.

Speaker 2 (01:26:02):
But right, I'm always so nervous when the best man
gives a speech, though, aren't you, because I've never seen one.

Speaker 1 (01:26:08):
First of all, you crushed your best man's speech. That
shit was that ship was so good that Look all
the writers and there were some pretty big time writers
at my wedding to Miss Casey Cobb, all of them
were like, Yo, this motherfucker just killed it. Yeah, we

(01:26:29):
crushed that speech and you didn't sing guy love to
crush it no.

Speaker 2 (01:26:32):
But I'm I'm a comedy writer. I think that for
this guy to need something to vulnerable. Yes, it was
vulnerable and it was sweet and good. Good job, good job.

Speaker 4 (01:26:43):
All right, So this last one is a video and
Daniel will fix it for our listeners. And I'm going
to caution everyone on the calls, just turn your falling
down a little bit, just a little bit. It shouldn't
be a blowout, but just just a little caution. So
this letter is from Dan. He says, Hi, guys, I'm
a bit late, but I remember you talking about todd
Time website and how it wasn't up anymore. Well, for

(01:27:04):
reasons i'd rather not get into, I have the video
saved to my phone. So here it is, in all
its banana hammock glory.

Speaker 9 (01:27:12):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh my, hey,

(01:28:01):
thanks you stopped by the side.

Speaker 2 (01:28:06):
I mean, we have to describe to the audience that
that noise was rob oiled up in a banana hammock
in front of the old er entrance with the ramp
to Sacred Heart, and he was posing, uh and.

Speaker 1 (01:28:19):
He was flexing.

Speaker 2 (01:28:20):
He was flexing, but I mean he was posing like
a weight looks like a bodybuilder, and then he was yeah,
and then he was there was a section where he
was air humping.

Speaker 1 (01:28:29):
Yeah, and you could see that there was a lot
of shaft There was a.

Speaker 2 (01:28:33):
Lot of shafts bouncing in the banana hammock. I could
see with Joel, I need that video. So you're telling
me when you used to go to Rob's website, that
was just auto play. That was just the only thing
on the side.

Speaker 4 (01:28:45):
That was the times from an episode. I wish I
could remember which specific episode it was. There's an episode
where that's like go to todd time dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:28:52):
Oh, so in the episode we got the we we
got the domain and put that up. Joelle, can you
send me that video. I need to send that to
Bill and I'm going to send that to Johnny C
and Sarah.

Speaker 4 (01:29:05):
And social so everyone can see it too.

Speaker 2 (01:29:09):
Yeah, please put it on on our socials. We don't
even have a fake doctors.

Speaker 4 (01:29:15):
We don't have I was thinking maybe we should create
an Instagram or something.

Speaker 2 (01:29:18):
Well, I appairly use socials anymore, but Joelle and Daniel
will put it on there so you guys can see.
If you don't mind you guys putting on your.

Speaker 1 (01:29:25):
Social socials all animation. Now animation in my case?

Speaker 2 (01:29:28):
Oh really, we didn't notice.

Speaker 1 (01:29:31):
I thought you weren't on social you wouldn't notice.

Speaker 2 (01:29:33):
When I am I turn it on. All I see
is you making a guide jump Zach and Donald newlyweds
in house arrest thanks to Mobile. If you're over exploding
internet bills, visit T mobile dot com slash Zach and
find out how new and existing customers get T mobiles
price lock guarantee for home Internet. All right, what a show?

(01:30:01):
I need to go. I need to go the cold
plunge and cool off.

Speaker 1 (01:30:05):
I don't want to cool off. I want to heat up.
It's time to flame it.

Speaker 2 (01:30:08):
Didn't you learn any lessons? You better go do the
dishes and fucking start dusting.

Speaker 1 (01:30:11):
My guy, I'm gonna freak. Not only that now, Look
your play is the new.

Speaker 2 (01:30:19):
Yeah, yeah, that's good. You're gonna write that down on
your whiteboard. All right, audience, thank you for tuning in,
and we hope you learned something. And check out that
guide because I gotta tell you it's quite informative. I'm
learning a lot. I'm learning a lot.

Speaker 1 (01:30:35):
You get to apply it.

Speaker 2 (01:30:36):
I'm going to apply it to you. I hope I
get to apply it to you. This section I want
to apply to you. I want to read it to you.

Speaker 1 (01:30:44):
Go ahead, get it.

Speaker 2 (01:30:45):
Donald. I'm going to end with something from the from
the guide.

Speaker 1 (01:30:49):
Just to give everybody a nice little.

Speaker 2 (01:30:53):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:30:53):
Yeah, this is this is this part is what we
call happy ending, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:30:58):
Yeah, this is your happy ending. Okay. If your partner
doesn't know, or if you don't want to ask them,
it's best to start with indirect stimulation and the move
we call the tornado. By the way, they should I
should do the audiobook for this. For these, I'm gonna
read you from the guide. By the way, Joelle, please

(01:31:19):
tell them that if they need me to do the audiobook,
I'm available. Start off by slowly and very gently circling
your partner's clatorus with your pointer finger without directly touching it.
This is your first time getting anywhere. This is your
first time getting anywhere close to the clatorus, so remember
that it's best to be very gentle at first. Plus

(01:31:41):
this will continue to feel like a tease. Make your
circles tighter and tighter until you start ringing against made
a bunch of.

Speaker 5 (01:32:00):
Amy.

Speaker 1 (01:32:00):
I said, he's a stormy net all should know.

Speaker 8 (01:32:05):
So.

Speaker 1 (01:32:06):
Gadder Rad, you here, up Gatherer Rad, you here obscure
your wiz and no