708: My Manhood

On this week's episode, Cox and Turk question JD's manliness. In the real world, we define the lines of our manliness with brave phone calls to the Celtics and childhood dream camps. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
There is everybody America's favorite actor. Sorry for my tardiness. Yes,
you're tardy. I was working out and I had to
get home in time, and I made it. You made it. Well,
I'm I'm seventeen minutes late. So yeah. So those of
you out there listening, well, the lucky people in listening

(00:25):
didn't have to wait the seventeen minutes. They This is
what I want you to do now, if you've heard
what we've said, pause, pause the podcast, why for seventeen minutes,
and then come back to the podcast, replay it and
blame it on me. Be like, fucking Donald Man, you

(00:47):
wasted my time today. Donald love you. And it's the
last show of the year. I'm sad for that because
twenty twenty two has been fucking amazing, dude, it has
what's the great years? Had a Carmen, who's Joelle's new
associate producer, up Carmen, Hello, how are you doing? I say,

(01:11):
didn't we meet before? No? You met her on a
call with Will, but she has not joined the podcast
as Joelle's associate producer. Joel is training her to be
the Joel of the future. Joe, Well, what are you doing?
You're going over to the banks podcasts, trying to tiptoe
out of here. I would never leave. You do not

(01:34):
have famous last words, famous last We have two and
a half seasons left of this incarnation. You better not
try and leave us. I'm not going anywhere but Vegas, Vegas.
We gotta we're going to Vegas. We're going. What are
we speaking at, Joel? See what's it called c Daniel,

(01:56):
you know what that is? Cfs B is what will called? It?
A business to business thing? You either talked to a
little much, but I know. But what's that famous conference
in Vegas? Daniel? You'll know ce CS. Yeah, that's what
we're doing. Oh shit, if you're going to CEES, come
see me and Donald talk something related? I heart. We
don't know. We just got a free trip to Vegas. Yo.

(02:19):
Not only is it a free trip to Vegas, it's
a night in Vegas, baby, a night in Vegas. We
got to see a show something. We gotta see something.
I know, that's what I know. You want to see
some magic. But is it? Is it like Brittany still
in Vegas or some shit like that. I think Brittany's
residency is over, but I sure this is still up.
See some skates. I want to see him. I want
to see him stage. I want to see him. There's

(02:45):
a Dell right, what other residents? I go to see
a Dell too, I'll see it all. I'm trying to
see some magic. Okay, that's what's up. You want to
see some shit. I'm let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a question though. Are you trying
to see like the prestige magic? Are you trying to
see like I have to pick a card? Any card? Um? Well,
I think the show wouldn't be card magic. It would

(03:07):
probably be larger scale magic, like I'd love David Blaine.
Is there? David Blaine, David Copperfield, Penn and Teller. I
better there, And I just love some magic. And I've
never seen it. It's been so long, but it wasn't
since it's been a child. I was a child. I
saw like a big magic magic show. This magic sounds fun.
Casey's coming and I know she's gonna try and like

(03:29):
get us to go to Adele or like some circulate. No,
she was talking about she's trying to get us and
she was like, I want to take y'all to ogs.
I was like what, Oh, geez, that's a gentleman's club.
We're not going to that. Oh she wants to take us,
So we should tell you when your wife can go
have a little couples the night. You're not gonna come

(03:50):
with us. No, no, you guys will have a little
couples nights. Hey, listen, I gotta tell you've got great food.
I wanted to tell you, um that I she do
want to see. Oh the water Cirque to Sela show
I heard is fire? Have heard about that? Wait a second,
the water show is fire. It doesn't make sense, I know,

(04:12):
but it's it's I've been told for years that if
you see one of those circue delay shows, the one
where they're diving and doing all this crazy shit in water,
is the one to see. Okay, well, look, I want
to put something out there because I don't just want
to play some blackjack with you, dude, that's what I really.
I want to do that too. I want to do
that too, But I want to put something out there
because the odds on this happening are very slim, and

(04:34):
since we've been talking about Vegas, I'm like, well, maybe
now's the time. Dear NBA All Star Weekend is coming up.
You used to call me all the time to play
in your celebrity d D late night when you need right, y'all,

(04:55):
don't call no more. You don't call Donald no more.
Y'all used to call me for the celebrity game. I'm
an old man, and now you don't want to. You
can't keep up with your knees in that game. Can
you listen? My son plays basketball now and I cannot
You're right, I cannot keep up. But if put in
that game, I will train like Rocky in Rocky what
is it before Creed took over? By the way, this

(05:19):
is probably not the best avenue. Aren't you newly friends
with the owner of the Boston Celtics. I am newly
friends with the owner of the Boston Celtics. Feel like
he could probably help you better than a random personal
listening to the podcast. I think listen. I think Wick
could help in a lot of ways. But Wick has
things on his plate right now, like a championship. He's

(05:40):
trying to win one of those this year. I know,
but I bet you if or next year, mister Wick,
we have done on Phason on the line. Put him through.
You want to practice with me I'll be I'll be,
mister Wick. I want to test that hold on? All right, go?
His name Wick. His first name is Wi. His first
name is Wick. I'm gonna get that. I'm gonna get
his phone number up right now. Let's see if he
picks up. All right, Here we go? Are you ready? Yeah?

(06:01):
This is the bravest thing I've ever done. Here we go.
Good You better tell him he's live on the podcast.
I am Donald, John Familia too. How are you man?
Hey Wick, Amelia, It's Donald Faison. Listen, I'm calling you
live from my podcast. I've got Zach Braff, Daniel Goodman,
and Joel Monique on with me. This is a random call.

(06:23):
I was gonna just call to see if you pick up,
and you did. How's it going on right now? Donald?
You are on? Right now? Could you just feel me in?
Who is this? Zach Braf? Go? Oh? Man? Literally, you
can't hear you. He can't hear you. Would you say? Hey, listen, sir?
I don't know if you can hear me because Donald's

(06:44):
not very tech savvy, but we are encouraging him to
follow his dreams, and he has a big dream that
I bet you can make come true. And Donald will
now tell you what it is. Good ahead, Donald, are
you ready? So the NBA has that salute? Can we
guess what the dream is? No, it's not what you
think it is. It's not what you want to guess.
You can guess. No, no, no, no, tell me dream.

(07:05):
So look, I gotta believe it's uh, you know, it's
a one day contract for the Celtics, hopefully in the playoffs.
Submer how do you know? You got it? You got okay?
So drive always be closing, always be closed. So the
dream is that I would play in the Celebrity All
Star Game this year like I used to when I

(07:27):
was a young man, but this time i'd play as
an old man. Well, how are you gonna well, Uh,
your acting shops can cover old man. That's fine. Um,
let's I'll tell you what I think. It'd be great
to be great for the show project we're working on too.
Why don't we get on the phone with Adam Silver
right after this? If you get Adam Silver on our

(07:48):
podcast right now, I'll lose my No, not on the podcast.
I'm not going to hit Adam with the podcast, but
I'll tell you what I think we can. I think
we have a good shot at this. Yes, Donald, let's
make this happen, and you'll call him right after the show.
Put back on the other team, and then just who wins. Say,

(08:09):
Zak can't play, can't play, Zach can't play best. But
but but Zak just wants his dreams to come true.
He just wants my dreams to come true. Is what
he's saying the whole time. But he'll be there, he'll
be there, He'll be right. No, no, no, get off
the phone. You got a yes, amazing idea. All right,
we'll make it happen. Always get out when you get yes.
All right, yeah you would think you guys. It was

(08:32):
really fun hanging out with you, guys, and thank you
for having and hosting. You're gonna call him right after.
I gotta go. They're kicking me there, they're they're honing. Sorry, guys,
tell everybody who won the game. The Celtics won the game. Okay,
when you get a yes, hang everybody, this is a lesson.
When you get a yes, hang, all right, I gotta go.
I'll talk to you guys. Thank you for picking up
and thank you for being on. Thank Doctor's real friends later.

(09:00):
Holy yes, dude, Yes, did it happen? That was awesome.
That was a lesson in facing your fears and making
shit happen. Holy cow, man, that's your Silver, So Wick

(09:21):
cruise back and Amelia for salary. The two of them
just made my dreams come true. Well, it sounds like
when you get off the podcast, you're gonna call um
the head of the NBA. Right, Adam Silver is on
my is on my list to call it. That was
a lesson everyone. The second you get it, yes, get
the fuck off the phone because you're only gonna fuck

(09:43):
shit up after that, say something stupid. No, you gotta yes,
let's call Adam Silver after this. Okay, sir, thank you
so much. I'll call you back. I gotta go. You're off.
But this is all great for the show that I'm doing,
man Like He's right. Man. The show revolved as around
a family that is in the NBA and you start

(10:04):
training those knees. Bro, You're absolutely right. That's why I'm
in the gym every day right now. I stoked your
kid would be if he got to see you play
in that. I think how stoke my kid would be
if he saw me freaking standing next to Lebron James
or even better Steph Curry. Yeah, facts, my kid would
look at me like I was a freaking golden shrine,

(10:26):
like a yeah, like a statue. It's so exciting. That
was so exciting. That was live manifestation. Literally, well, you
know Wick Wick has the money to make dreams come true.
Let's know what I mean. More most importantly, you like
and this goes for everybody you know. Obviously Donald had
access to a very high person. But if sometimes if

(10:47):
you have a goal you're working towards, you brainstorm and go,
who do I know that could possibly know someone that
might know someone that could make that work, even it
does not have to be on the level of the NBA,
could be in your own life. And then you just
about having the courage to make that call. And you
got to make the call. If you if you wimp
out and don't make the call, and you'll never know.
But if you if the worst thing is going to

(11:09):
happen is you're gonna get a know, but you gotta
do it right. It's amazing. I can't belave them up.
And they were like, yeah, we can make this work. Beautiful.
I'm glad you got the phone because you could have
said something like everybody likes a little last place. Have
I ever said anything like that too embarrass I've said
a couple of things to embarrass you in meetings before,

(11:29):
I know I have, but no. But I went to
a really fun Christmas party with lots of famous people,
and you know you and I always mess up around
famous people, and I stuck the landing. I did not
say anything embarrassing to anybody. Well, good for you. When
was this Christmas party? The first step was not drinking
too much? Always? When was said Christmas party? And why

(11:49):
didn't you take me as your place? Because I went
with Bill Lawrence. I don't know if you've heard of him. Yeah, okay,
it was Conan O'Brien's Christmas party, and it was really cool,
you guys. There were so many fun, hilarious, awesome people
there and it was it was blast. It was really
really cool. Oh that's wonderful. That sounds like a lot

(12:11):
of fun. I'm so glad I got the invitation Conan.
Well I I didn't. I didn't directly get the Conan invite,
although I made a joke to him, I said, is
this my audition year? Because I would really love to
be invited next year, like I know plus one. He
said I could come whenever I want. But by the way,
I ran into Elizabeth Banks by the way, who definitely
wants to come on a podcast, And we were laughing

(12:32):
and telling so many stories and she is like, hey,
I know he's gonna come on that time, but the
dates got messed up, but like, please have me on.
So she's down. Awesome circle. You know, I love me some.
You know the house I wrote ran into that I
bet would come on the podcast because he's such a
nice guy and super cool. Is Ryan Reynolds, No, Joel McHale.
Joel Joel is great. Everybody loves Joel, and I just

(12:54):
feel like, you know, he lived that single camera comedy life.
He could come chat with us about about that life.
He was on a hit little show called Community, wasn't he. Yeah, Yeah,
And he's a really nice dude. Oh he's a great dude.
I've done. I've actually played basketball on the same team
as Joel mcale. We've done quite a few game shows together.

(13:16):
You know, person I was most psyched to see and
I met a lot of famous people, including Michael Keaton. Shit, oh,
whoa person I was most like to talk to? Though,
to be honest, was Bill Hayter, because I love Barry
and I haven't seen Bill Hayter since. I once was
lucky enough to host SNL, but I haven't seen him since,

(13:37):
and I got to give him all the love because
I think he is a masterful filmmaker. Barry is so
incredibly directed often by him, and so I got to
give him all the love. That's amazing, All right, Shore
we talking about show Scrubs. Before we count in, I
just want to say, if you haven't seen my trailer
it dropped, please check it out. Other it's been It's

(14:00):
so fun A drop today. We were recording on Thursday,
A drop today, but it's just been so fun um
reading all the comments and all the love in in
people are sending about the trailer, and I just if
you haven't seen it, go check it out either on
my Insta or on YouTube or wherever you watch trailers.
It's I'm really really proud of it. You know, today

(14:20):
is a magical day, dude. Your trailer dropped. Ten years
ago today I was married in your backyard with to
my lovely wife, ye Casey Cobb. You know today it's
the fifteenth of December. Man mark it down on your calendars.
Magical things happen. Yeah, it's so vulnerable to put yourself

(14:43):
out there like that, you know, it's but that's how
you do it, though, Man, you gotta do it. This
is your art, man, Your art must be freaking expressed
and it must be heard and seen. Yes, and as
Brene Brown tells us, you must dare greatly and put
our work out there and uh and be brave. That's right. Yes.
So my therapist told me to watch Brenie Brown's Netflix

(15:05):
special before I launched my trailer, but I haven't. I
think I'm gonna get in the field position and watch
it tonight. Dude. Look, man, you're an artist, okay, and
you have a freaking gift and you have a voice
and it needs to be heard. Thank you, you know
what I mean. And so I'm so proud of you
and congratulations and I can't wait for everybody to see

(15:26):
this movie. And it looks really good. Man, holy shit,
the trailer, yeah, please talk about it. First of all,
I'm gonna cry. I'm just it was already happening while
I was watching it. There are a lot of funny
comments that were like, why am I crying? In a trailer,
which I love, crying immediately. I also, you know, we
had talked so much about Florence and Morgan and Morgan

(15:48):
Freeman being in it, I forgot that Molly Shannon was
in it as well. Yeah, she shows up. She's so great.
She last moment so funny, So thank you, you know
it's funny. A bit of trivia for Scrubs fans is
that the very first episode I and a lot some
of you will know this, but the very first episode
I ever directed of Scrubs was Molly was the guest star.

(16:09):
Was the one where she was an ambulance driver, and
and it which kind of the moment that I learned that,
oh my goodness, Molly Shannon is not only the hysterical
woman we know from SNL, but she's got dramatic chops, right,
if you remember, I think I told the story when
we got to that episode that there was this end
shot I didn't want to cut off of her. Bill
was like, oh, should we should we cut to some

(16:30):
coverage and I was like, no, just keep it on
the shot. Look what a good look at this performance
Molly Shannon's giving And and so that was so many
years ago, and now I was able to call her
and ask her to be in the film, and she's
just she's just incredible and the most amazing human. Yeah.
You know, she's starting to be recognized as an amazing

(16:52):
actress too, you know what I mean. You say her
name now and people are like, oh, she's really good.
I know, but she's not just as not just a
superstitive people. See you've seen the movie. I've seen. She's amazing. Dude,
she's amazing. She's amazing and and and that's really interest.
You know. That's another thing that I love. It's like
you find people that you just would never expect these

(17:12):
type of performances from, and then you get this, and
then you get what you get, you know what I mean,
Like you don't expect this from Molly, you know what
I mean. Jim Parsons was Look, man, I'm gonna keep
it one hundred with you. Jim. I love you, and
I'm very happy that your career is taken off and
everything like that. But my boy found you. I did

(17:32):
discover Jim Parsons. I would do want full credit for
Jim bound, buddy, you are a millionaire now, shout out
Zack Raff. I want to say that for those of you.
Some of people have commented that the legendary Jackie Hoffman
in the trailer is the woman who's screaming about the

(17:52):
guy being a fuck boy. And she is not only
is she just legendary New York theater comedian and actress,
but she's the woman in Garden State who makes me
the shirt. She's the one who says, we get try
on the shirt in case we don't see you for
another nine years. The best part is when she came

(18:16):
to do her cameo in the movie. I said, I'm
so happy you're doing this because it's sort of like
a little easter egg for Garden State fans. And she goes, yeah,
maybe maybe next time, don't wait seventeen years to fall.
She's all right in the trailer, all right, please watch
the trailer, guys. It's called a good Person. And here

(18:38):
we go five six, seven, eight stories about show about
a bunch of nurses. Story so yet around here, yet
around here. All right, let's talk about this episode. Yeah,

(19:05):
let's get into it, because at first I was like,
what the hell is this? Well, I think it's an
important episode. It may be the funniest episode, but it
really does boil down to one of the main themes
that I thought Scrubs was getting at that the world
is just now really talking about openly, which is gender
and masculinity, Right, Joel, Yes, this theme of this is

(19:28):
what does it mean to be a man? And this
is a two thousand and seven was it a point
of view? Um? And that's not that far away. But
JD is wrestling with the other men telling him that
he's not manly enough and that he's going to Cox
is telling him that he's going to not be a
good enough role model to his son because he's not

(19:51):
the alpha male. You know, it's not even alpha male.
He's just not freaking he's not doing what he's not
following the pat you know what I mean, and doing
what the pack wants wants. You know, if if if
we are talking alpha at this point, Turk is the
alpha in the hospital and is running the hospital the
well Cox not so much. Cox is shown that as

(20:14):
tough as you, maybe it's easy to take down. You know,
you can walk around and be all puffy chest all
you want, but I got your number. You know, somebody
has your number eventually, you know what I mean, You're
gonna get You're gonna get taken down eventually. So Cox
at the end of it isn't. Throughout the episode, the
janitor really is the alpha because he's the one that's
freaking dictating what's going on in the hospital. But Turk

(20:36):
with his wrestling and fighting with everybody, you know, and
JD with his you know, it's not He's just I
wouldn't say alpha. I wouldn't say alpha. At the end
of it all, we learned that you don't need to
be an alpha male. You don't need to be this
freaking no, that's the lesson to teach us. But I'm
saying what the episode is talking about at a time

(20:57):
before people were openly talking about gender and gender norms
and the and toxic masculinity quote unquote um. I think
this show in and of itself, with our relationship, was
talking about um um um masculinity and what it and
what it what it's supposed to be. And I think
one of the things that was groundbreaking about the show.

(21:19):
People have told us over the years was they saw
that you didn't have to be those those archetypes. You know,
I've spoken about this. You know, we were in my school.
If you weren't jockey? And and uh and and I
don't know what's the word, Joel umb what not? Preppy?

(21:41):
Is preppy is just the way you dressed? But I
just if you weren't, I don't know. I just I
just think that we're seven years into this show and
and and Bill's finally taking it head on, talking about
like what is masculinity and what does it mean? And
what and and aren't there different types of men? Who? Who?
And isn't it okay to be the kind of whatever
kind of man you are? But you are? Yeah, yeah,

(22:02):
I agree. I think that is the tone of the
show all right. Written by the lovely Angela Nissel and
directed by Michael McDonald. Mike McDonald who who is not
only in the director of the episode, but in the
episode as the husband of the angry patient because j
D m is just she has a cold and she
wants a pelvic exam. She really wants j D to

(22:23):
She wants j D to ento her enter her without
without without protection. It's what she's asking. She's asking j
D to um an her yes and um and and
and he goes no, It's it's not normal for to
do that for a cold but anyway, she's wants him,

(22:44):
she wants him to get rough. He's like, I'm going
to go through you. And we learned later that JD
has to scratch her um in order to in order
to get away. Yeah, because we learned that he's not
necessarily a good fighter, and the technique he uses with
this patient is scratching her. I would have loved to
see that on camera though. That would have been funny
if she's grabbing at him and finally she goes like

(23:06):
arches her back yet with his one nail. So Turk,
who's mister macho, alpha male jock, stereotypic surgeon guy has
gotten into what's called remote wrestling. That's when all the
docks are fighting my club whoever? All the docks are

(23:28):
fighting over who has control the remote in the brake room,
and the todd is dressed appropriately. The Todd says I
got next, And when we cut back to him, he's
in a banana hammock. Ready to go, Yes, very ready
to go. That shit jiggled again, Dude, it jiggles every time.
It jiggles every time. Yeah, it's not like made of
normal penis materialists man like jello. Yeah, that shit moves.

(23:59):
You know those like worms we had as a kid.
There's like a plastic thing filled with like gel. Yeah,
it's like that. No matter what. He didn't even jump
up and down. He didn't even like shake. He goes,
I got next, and that thing goes jiggle jiggle, Yeah.
I like the jiggle jiggle. My money don't jiggle jiggle yeah,

(24:21):
and his penis jiggle jiggles. Um So Kelso tells the
janitor that nobody cares what he thinks, and that really
upsets him, and he decides understandably, like because that's so insulting,
and he gathers some members of the brain Trust, notably
Doug and Todd, and says, we're gonna do a newsletter

(24:43):
to janitorial yeah, to prove that it matters what I think.
And he's like, but we need an investigative reporter, somebody
who no one knows is ever around, like could be
sitting under their nose and not know that they're there.
And he looks over and he's like, oh, hey, Ted,

(25:05):
you've been there long. He's like no, and Ted's like, no,
I I've been Remember I was sitting in that chair
and you told me to get up and move and
I think he sat on him at first, right, he
goes and you sat you sat on me, and then
you got up and you were like, hey, you gotta move,
and you put me in this chair. And then hey, janitor,
because the janitor's forgotten that Ted's there again, he goes, hey, janitor,

(25:28):
and the janitor turns him and goes, oh, hey Ted,
yeaho Ted. Nobody nobody notices him around ever, and then
when they do, they forget that he's around. Yeah, poor guy,
poor guy. But now everybody in the hospital is gonna
know that Turk doesn't have a nut because of that. Well,
don't spoiler alert did I go too far? Too far?

(25:49):
We're gonna talk about your nut because it's one of
the most bizarre fantasies in Scrubs history, and my nut
fan the nut fantasies, the turk nut fantasies get crazy. Man,
This isn't the only want fantasy. Yeah, it'll be crazy.
You as a as a plant that wants to kill me,
grown out of a testicle. I don't know what an
NFT is, but if that's one, I'd like to buy it.

(26:10):
It's uh, it's magical. You go the conditions, the scene
starts off. The conditions are just right. We're getting that
you jumped ahead, all right. So Elliott goes us into
the men's bathroom where there's all this graffiti, and she
sees in the stall that her butt has a raining
of nine point two, what she assumes is out of ten.

(26:35):
And um, but she was like, well, she goes nine
point two. She goes, who, thank goodness, this hospital's full
of white guys. Yes, because I'm implying that African American
men would not give that butt a nine point two. No,
because it's flat. Yes, Um I thought I thought she

(26:57):
has a nice tushie. But again, I am a I
am a white guy. Um, I don't know. Yeah, I
might give it a nine point five even, but um,
Kelso will soon ruin that for her and say, hey,
just you know, that's out of a hundred. So Kelso
is being forced out of the hospital, and we're to

(27:21):
believe early on that he's on the phone complaining about
it to Enid and he tells Elliott to keep it
a secret and not let anybody know that he's you know,
what's going on with him, and how he doesn't want
to be forced out, and how he and this is
what's happening right And immediately when Elliot says to Kelso,

(27:43):
I promise you your secrets safe with me. Carla, who
loves secrets, yes, can't keep secrets. She needs to know
the teas and not what the kids say. Joel. Yeah,
She's like, the tea has been poured. When can I
get a sip tea time? Yea. Everybody agrees yep, so

(28:07):
she needs to hear the tea. Carla cannot. Carlo is
one of those people. If there is gossip and she
has not been told, she can't function. She's like like she,
I don't know if you know people like this in
your life. But like if there's a secret and they're
not in on it, like their day shuts down, They're
like I need to know. I need to know, and
they will do anything and everything to find out. Yeah. So, um,

(28:30):
I'm gonna be honest with you. I thought that's what
Carlo was doing the whole time, when she was with
the whole When we get into the show Elliot's patient,
I thought Carla was being sympathetic to Elliott to try
and trick her into telling her what Kelso told her.
But it's real talk, man, Elliot's great at keeping secrets. Yes,
she held it together. She held it together the whole way.

(28:52):
Jadu wants to show his child West side story. This
is supposed to be treated as like, oh, that's not mannish,
and Cox is making fun of him and holding his
child and saying, here, I want you to see how
effeminate I guess your father is. And then um, and
then of course it sounds like this kind this storyline

(29:14):
kind of upsets you a little bit. It sounds like it.
It doesn't upset me, but it taps into, um, you know,
my real life as a high school kid, and you
know I didn't play sports at all. Um. I was
into the theater. I was into musicals. I was my
bar mitzp theme was musicals. As you know, Lauren Hill attended.

(29:37):
We've spoken about this. Let's hear it for the boy.
So um yeah, I mean, I mean I was a
class clown. So I made people laugh and I made friends.
But there was you know, at the time, as we
all know, if you were of a certain age, you
were called gay, and that was meant to be derogatory,
like oh so gay, such a pussy. You know, all
these all this sort of bullying that was related to

(30:00):
not being um Mannish enough. So I totally obviously relate
to to that right on. Yeah, you know, I did
play sports in high school, but I went to a
high school with a bunch of actors and stuff like that. Yeah,
you know, your story doesn't count because you went to
like the like one of the pre eminent acting schools

(30:20):
in Manhattan. That's doesn't that's not You didn't experience like
that public school Jersey life. No, I did not. I
wish i'd gone to your school. You would have been
at You would have been probably one of the most
popular kids in school if you Well, what would happen
is I would go to theater camp. And then it
was like, oh, because like I was, I was great,

(30:41):
and so many so many of the young boys already
knew they were gay and and and and you were
cool if you were good, and I was pretty good,
and so it was like, right as you're going through puberty,
like half the boys at the camp are taken out
of contention because they already know they're gay, and you're
just I was like fucking Fonzie at this. But I

(31:04):
remember when you told me for the first time, dude, No,
I went to theater camp, and I was like, that's
a thing. There's actually a thing called theater camp, and like, yeah,
I went to Shakespeare camp too. I was like, there's
a fucking Shakespeare I think it a Shakespeare camp. But
I but I went to theater camp at stage or
a matter, and I would sob when I left. It
was like I didn't want to leave. It was heavens.
It was like someone showed me Utopia and they were like, Okay,

(31:24):
that's six weeks. It's up. We're gonna go back to
public school in Jersey. I wish I would have known
that growing up. I wish I would have known about
this growing up. That would have been my jam. It
was heaven. I would have loved that ship. The kid
haven't all day long you perform and hang out with
kids that are like you, especially if you're a kid
that you know that didn't really fully fit in. I
just did never felt like my Like I was like,

(31:46):
where's my you know, I had a posse, I had friends,
I you know, I just never really I just always
felt different. And then I went and found theater kids
and I was like, and I should mention that I
didn't really do theater in high school because I was,
like so many kids obsessed with the way that I looked,
and I didn't want to be like I wanted to

(32:06):
try and fit in and be cool and and I
was just doing all this stuff that wasn't me. You know. Um.
I watched like Glee when I was you know, when
when it first started, I was like, Oh, I would
have loved to have been like with these kids, you know, right.
Unfortunately that shit doesn't exist like that, man, Lee, Ain't
Glee of a fantasy? Well, I think in some schools

(32:27):
there there no I disagree. I think in some schools,
depending on the school, there is a healthy and acceptance
of of being a theater kid and being a singer
and being uh and there's community there. Um and I
probably could have found it myself, but I was too
obsessed with trying to fit in and look cool and

(32:47):
and and and hang out with the jocks and hang out.
I'm saying that shit is a fantasy. Ain't nobody fucking
singing down the hallways fucking talking about somebody said you
got a new friend just because the jazz club a
school hours we were in the hallway dancing fame y'all
can say what y'all want to say, But fame Glee.

(33:09):
You went to an acting school. There weren't kids. Nobody
ever danced on a goddamn table with a boot jukebox
with a boom box talking about it. I'm gonna live
that ship didn't happen. I'm not talking about the heightened version.
I'm talking about reality, right, That's what I'm saying Glee, Right.
So the janitorial is the newspaper that they make, and

(33:32):
and if they reveal that it's a try daily, I
don't know how any of these people are gonna get
any work done. I mean, we know that, I don't
know how much work Todd is doing. I mean, he's
supposed to be one of the top surgeons at the hospital.
Although he seems to be doing surgery. This whole episode
has moments where you're like, these guys are doctors. Well,
I first of all, when is Doug doing any of

(33:54):
his more more duties, because not only is he working
for a tri daily newspaper at the hospital all, but
he's hiding. We learned that he hangs out underneath the
nurses station because he's developed a foot fetish from doing
all from tying all the toe tags on the dead bodies.
He's developed a foot fetish that is disgusting, is Doug. Yeah,

(34:16):
he's got to shake it up. He's tired of all
the cold dead feet, so he's looking for some live feet.
So this okay, So what does this mean? What is
he doing in the morgue with cold dead feet? Well?
I don't think that. It's not implied that he does
anything appropriate. He's just developed a fondness for them. By
the way, I got a I got a guy in
my life and you met him. We're not going to

(34:37):
out him, because you know, to each their own. But
he's genuinely of a real foot fetish guy like he
he could be with He could be with someone solely
because of their toes and loving their toes. Okay, yeah,
I wish That's how I wish. That's how deep it
got for me. I wish that's But isn't that I
never saw? I don't think I saw that. Isn't there

(34:59):
Eddie Murphy movie where he's can't be with someone because
she has bad feet? Yeah, that's Boomerang. You never watched Boomerang.
I never saw Boomerang. No, you gotta watch boomerang. It's
a classic, dude, I remember seeing that. I remember seeing
this scene where like her feet, how's somebody that fine
got hammertime and her shoes. Yeah. Anyway, so let's take

(35:26):
a break. We're gonna take a break and we come back.
We are going to talk about more of the television
show Scrubs, one of the greatest pieces of television history.
We'll be right back after week. But do you want
to say right back and we're bad? Hold on, I

(35:52):
want to give you the other I want to give
you some of these jazz hits, some of the people
people haven't heard in a while. Let me hear it,
you know, because you know they like this one. This labeled.
This one's labeled hard riff. Hella back, this one's labeled scratch.

(36:24):
You imagine someone went into work at like his name
is Daniel, His name is Daniel. No, someone went these
aren't Daniels. This came to this mixer. Someone was like, hey, Jim,
we uh, we need you to come up with something
called hard riff today and we're gonna put it in
the machine. It's gonna come with the machine. He's like,
am I gonna get rights to hard riff? No? No, no,
all Jim, you're gonna sign away hard Riff and it's

(36:46):
gonna be a part of the machine. Dude, forgot nailed
it that that sounds about it. He nailed it. He
nailed the n We're back music very well. Yeah, yeah, Okay.
So Turk and JD are are proud of their friendship

(37:07):
because they made the front page of the Janitorial. It's
a hit. The Janitorial is a hit and everyone in
the hospitals reading it, and Turk and JD made the
front page and they're like, our best friend, our best
friend is m is the best thing in the hospital.
And so yeah, we make the front of the paper
and and we're so stoked because we're proud. But again
Cox returns to saying, oh, you're proud that you got

(37:30):
your ass whooped, Like you know, how aren't you embarrassed? Yeah?
But then something comes up where JD is now nay,
he's named people by is it how they make him
feel or anything? Because thanks herpes. Oh he's a guy
silver bullet for everybody in the hospital. For Cox, he's like, oh,

(37:51):
it's too bad. Not everyone's got a dad like you
who's a borderline alcoholic and Cox like walks off in
a huff and then the nurse is like, oh you
got and he's like thanks, Herbie's got one. He's got
one locked for everyone else. It's like a stand up
comedian that has like, uh, like, um ways to deal
with hecklers. Um, you know, locked and loaded. I saw

(38:13):
the funniest thing. I'm sorry, don't remember the stand up's name,
but he said to a heckler because there's nothing you
can say to me. I haven't said to myself seven
inches from a mirror. That guy. That was funny. Yeah,
some people are losing their mind. No, some people actually
getting up on the stage. Hecklers are it's at it's

(38:34):
being a stand up comedian. That's a tough racket. It
was always a tough racket, but now it is. Now
it's like ridiculous. Everybody's crazy. Holy cow, you not like
a taser on your There's so many people who are
standing up in front of comedians like what the fuck
did you come to the comedy club for? Yo? Like
what was you doing there? Like what did you show
up for? And then other people like one one one

(38:56):
I saw one. Now this is some bullshit we had.
Audience member said your jokes sound like you're a democrat,
Like what the fuck are we talking about it? Like,
holy shit, dude, Like that's where it's going. That's where
comedy is. That is a tough racket. Like to all

(39:19):
my stand up comedian friends out there, I freaking adore
your resilience man, like that you are. That is tenation
to be able to go up on stage and bomb
consistently and then eventually get a laugh or two here
and there, and then eventually all of a sudden have

(39:40):
a dynamite set to start from the bottom and get
to that. That's a long fucking journey, man, and you've
got to have tough skin to do it. It's so impressive.
I've never done it, and I admire so many people
who do it. Elliott reveals to Carla that she had
a dream where she banged Kelso and he was half dolphin, Yes,
half though, and cal ass which half I'm hoping I'm

(40:04):
hoping the bottom half. Well, how would she back Kelso
with the bottom half? There's it's two. Don't dolphins have penises? Yeah?
They do? They must come out right, Joel? Can you
google that has Joel's browsers? Yeah, I'm sure that the
dolphin has one of those things that comes out of

(40:25):
the bottom and in some gross way. Yeah, because it
would be weird if if if they were having sex
and she was like do you like it? And he's like,
all right, I love it. That's the top half. That's
if the top half it's dolphin. Yeah. But yeah, I
guess it's probably funnier if you were to go to
the fantasy that you obviously couldn't go to on on

(40:47):
primetime TV if it was the head part that was there.
But how would you know? Was Kelso saying the bottom
part would have to be dolphin in the head? Yeah,
I think the joke it would have to be Kelso's
top with a dolphin body. Well, any any news on
the how the penis comes out of the dolphin? It

(41:08):
just comes out their video let me get photos. I
did not. I did not. Have you ever seen the
video of the turtles banking by the way, you gotta
if you're listening audience, I normally don't want you to
pause the show, but you can pause the show for

(41:29):
two things. To go watch my trailer for a good
person on YouTube. But also there's these really funny videos
of turtles having sex, and they make a noise that
sounds a lot like wow when they're when they're when
they're when they're when they're fucking. And so there's these
hilarious videos where they like they're like fucking anything. He's
going wow, Wow, Wow, it's amazing. I love that you

(41:53):
were trying to figure out a PC way to say
fucking and then you were like fucking, I'm just gonna
say fucking like they were. They were fucking audience, audience,
please look up turtles fucking saying wow, you're welcome. That
sounds like a strand of weed. Turtles fucking saying wow. Um.

(42:16):
Now here's one of the favorite. We learned that JD
got beat up in college and he's missing large chunks
of that school year, right, and um, well he got
he got beat up. His his his uh, his strategy
was to catch the person's fist in his face over
and over again. Yeah, not a good not a good technique.

(42:39):
And his logic is he only had one fractured skull,
but that guy had two fractured nubels, So it doesn't
end of the day. J J D. Um, you know,
he wants to be a good role model for um,
for Sam and and Turk, Um and JD have made
this pact that turn He's gonna teach Um Sam his

(43:03):
son about sports and stuff, and then JD is gonna
quote be in charge of Izzie's emotional crap. Right. So
this is another like commentary on like, Look, I'm a
tough guy and I'm gonna do the sports stuff, right,
I'm gonna teach you sports. You're like not a tough guy.
You deal with the emotional shit you gotta teach. You

(43:25):
gotta teach the soft shit. You're right. And then there's
a line that's very famous and beloved in Scrubs. This
is one of my favorite This is actually one of
my favorite lines. Also, this is a very popular meme
that I've seen. But this is actually but when you
put it together, this sums up our relationship in real life,
in real life and in and in the show. Well,

(43:46):
the lines are Turk, we're not married. When Turk says, dude,
we're a little married, and I say, I know, I
love it. We're a little married. We're in a throuble.
We are in a throuble in real life. In real life,
we are I don't get any of the benefits other
than the friendship. But we're in a throuble. That's benefit.
That is a benefit. No, I love it. Yeah, I

(44:09):
love it. I love it. I love it. No, I
really love it. No, I love it. See. That's the
thing though. Whenever you're single, the thrumple is it goes strong.
But when you're not, thruble thrives, thrives when you're single.
But when you're not single, when you're in a relationship,
the thrubles put on hold. I kind of like it
when you're single. I'm not gonna lie I the thruble's thriving.

(44:31):
I went I once. You know, I got your daughter
some beautiful earrings for Chris. She's my goddaughter. I gotta
take care of my goddaughter. I know. But listen, dude, man,
she's seven years old. Don't get it, not like don't
they're not like big hoops. Don't get it at heavy
shit yet because I want her ears to look life.

(44:51):
Was on advice from your wife. I said, what do
I get her? She said, just get her some simple earrings.
But you know I didn't go simple. I did get
her little blame. She's my god daughter. I gotta spoil
my goddaughter, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. And I
took Rocco too. He's got some Nike stuff coming to him.
I heard he likes Steph Curry, but I don't know
what to buy Stef Curry, so I just got him

(45:13):
some Nike stuff. Steph is with under Armour. I'm not gonna.
I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna dis under Armour, but
it ain't Nike. Yeah, do you wear any under Armour?
No like, under like, No, no disrespect under Armour. I'm
sure you developed a great product. Yeah, you know what's
gonna happen. They're gonna be like this year's celebrity NBA

(45:35):
match sponsored by under Armour. Right, don't face no longer
invited recently cut for dissing under Armor. I truthfully hope
I do get invited to this. I'm gonna work my ass.
I think it's gonna happen. First of all, did you
put it on your white board? I did not put
it on my white board. Well, listen, the gentleman who

(45:57):
owns the Celtics Wick is gonna call all for you.
That seems like a good call. Yes, I'm sure you
probably know um people in your rolodex who were still
related to the game, and you can be like, hey,
put me in coach. You know, the last time I

(46:18):
played in that game, we lost, and I was on
Magic Johnson's team and Magic was the coach. And all
I know is Magic is mad at me. I mean
he is. It was it was my fault. I made
the bad pass. My dude, he did not look at
you think this is a joke, Daniel, but it was.
He was the coach of one team and Doctor Jay

(46:39):
was the coach of the other team. And Magic. Yeah,
now look, let me tell you. I don't know if
you've watched game was it game time? Right when Magic
came in the league, Doctor Jay was everybody's idol, and
he would charm the shit out of you and then
get you on the basketball court and bust your ass

(47:00):
and you're like, Doc, it's me, and He's like, I
don't give a fuck. I'm trying to win, right, And
so Doc kind of charmed the shit out of me. Look,
my mom, Doc used to go over to my mom's
house when they were when they were kids and stuff
like that. Doc is a you know what I mean, like, oh, no,
word word life. Every time I see him, he was like,
how's your MoMA, Blake. She's good. But it's doctor Ja

(47:22):
too though, you know what I mean. And so like
every time I see him, I'm like, because my mom
grew up in Massachusetts and he went to U masks
and shit like that. So anyway, every time every time
I see Doc, I'm like, you know, part of me
is like he's kind of like a family member to
me because of the way my mom described him. And
then every time I see him, he shows me so
much love because of his love for my mother. Right,
so it's like, hey, right, let me tell you something. Man.

(47:45):
He put that charm on me. And we went out
on the basketball court and I'm trying to win the
game and we lose. And at the end of the game,
I'm kind of like, oh, well, you know, I lost
the Doc's team. It's all right. Magic wasn't happy about that.
Magic was not happy about that shit at all. A
matter of fact, he gave me the hand. You know,
when you shake somebody's hand, you really not fucking with him.

(48:08):
You give him five and then you kind of look
the other way. Like that from Magic Dog, I think maybe, maybe, maybe,
maybe maybe it's water under the bridge. It was my fault,
though I will accept the blame. I do say I
have an interesting question for you. Who would you say

(48:29):
um would be in this year's team that you're gonna
be on because we're manifesting it is the best non
professional actor celebrity on the team. Well, look, this is
how I think it should go. If you're honest, who
do you think is getting I don't know that I
don't know. But if you're asking me who should play basketball,
they got to get Adam Sandler in there, because Adam's

(48:51):
going across the he plays a lot of basketball. You
gotta get Quevo in there, because Quevo plays a lot
of basketball. I'm trying to think of who else. Barack
Obama ain't president no more. I don't think I'm gonna play.
I would bust Barrock's ass to cut that. It's gonna

(49:16):
be secret service outside. That's all right anyway. But like
I mean, if you ask me who I think the
best celebrity basketball player, I mean you could get Michael B.
Jordan is a really good basketball player. Jesse Williams is
a really good basketball player. Jesse Williams is huh yeah.
Like the list is ridiculous, Penis. Oh, I know a

(49:36):
lot of people have if they went to the y.
I'm just trying to contribute to this conversation. All right,
let's get back into the ship, back to the show
Scrubs and um so let's jump off of Jesse Williams.

(49:59):
Penis will come back to it. So they have a
male again in terms of masculinity. They have a male
patient who has breast cancer, which of course is a
real thing. And John the patient is so embarrassed that
he won't even tell his brothers, his brothers because we
got amiliated that he has breast cancer. We got to

(50:19):
go back. So him and his brothers have like a
real macho machismo attitude about shit anyway, because when they're
coming into the hospital, one of them is uh describing
encountered that the other one had as gay, and Carl
even kind of you know, jumps in on it. And

(50:41):
so when he finds out he has breast cancer, the
last thing he wants is for his brothers to do
that again, which is like, you know, that's that's really
fucking That's when it gets deep like that, like your
homophobia is really starting to it's it's gonna kill you
pretty much. Man. You got you're not going to ask
for help because you're scared of how you're gonna make

(51:03):
your friends and family feel. Because I bet this is real.
I mean, I bet this comes from Oh, I'm sure
it is. I'm listen. I'm sure it is. I'm sure.
I'm sure the story people that are racist. There are
people that are racist to to black people and then
see their doctors black and it's like, not that person.
I don't want that person operating on me. You know,

(51:25):
so it it, it exists. You know, it exists. Bigot
tree exists. No what Well, this isn't necessarily biggotree as
much as it's sort of, Um, I don't know what
would you call it? Insecurity in your homophobia? Well, how
would you call this him not wanting to know his
friends knowing his breast cancer? Well, and because because you

(51:47):
you view breast cancer as like a woman's disease that
you shouldn't have, and right, and he's embarrassed because he
has a woman's disease. Right, that's fucking Craig. Come on, man,
After after she says to him, this is how deep
it gets. Though, after she says to him, dude, everybody.
Anybody could get this, right, anybody could get but it's

(52:07):
not known is you know, even I don't know what
the statistics are, but it's not known as as as
something that people associate with men getting. Obviously they can
get it. And so because it's known as a female thing,
he's he's embarrassed because he's, you know, afraid of being
seen as less than a man. I mean, that's the
whole theme of the episode, right. Yeah. Cox is furious

(52:30):
because the janitor has put it into the try daily
newspaper that he wants cuddles and attention, and everyone in
the hospital is putting their hands on him and trying
to give him love, which is of course the opposite
of what he wants. And he's furious with the janitor
and says, if you I'll give you an exclusive for
your stupid newspaper if you stop this nonsense. But it's

(52:53):
amazing is that the janitor says, people believe what they
read online. Yep, and that holds so true. Now, yeah,
this many years later, this many years later, that whole
so I don't know, I don't know if it was
that true then, but now forget about it. People even
say to you what do you mean I read it online. Yeah,
they'll even use that as a defense. You're talking about

(53:16):
I read that online. Have you even read like something
about yourself online like an anecdote? And you're like, that
is absolutely not true and did not happen at all.
But you're like it's like you're not gonna try and
fight the internet. You're like, all right, that's out there.
None of that happened, but okay, yeah, like me, like
me being in Uncle Buck, I can't get rid of

(53:37):
that shit. It says you were an uncle Buck and
I AMDB says I was an uncle Buck. I am
not an uncle Buck at all. There's people that have
watched the movie and said I saw you an uncle Buck,
and I'm like, I'm not an uncle Buck. I was
a very young man, a young boy when Uncle Buck
came out. This is a high school show. I wasn't
even in high school. And there's a kid who's plying

(54:00):
that kind of looks like me in Uncle Bucking. When
the cargoes boom and explodes, everybody says I saw you
an uncle Buck. I'm like, fuck you, I'm not an
uncle Buck. Well, my version of that is and this
is a big one, because this has come up many
times in my life. Everyone Daniel some timpany. I did
not ever do a cameo on thirty Rock. There is

(54:23):
somebody who looks like me who once did a cameo.
I think he's playing some sort of drum or something.
But I get asked all the time if I was
on thirty Arc. I mentioned on thirty Rock by Jack
McBriar because he sneaks on, I think, to the Conan
set and he's pretending he's on the show, and he's like, why, yes, Conan,
I'm so happy to be on And yes I do

(54:48):
live with my roommate Zach Braff or something like that.
There's some mention of me very interesting that he went,
but I'm Conan party for Christmas, and now we're talking
about and by the way, he was there and Jack
was there. Really I wasn't there. No Larry David was there.
It was fucked up, man. I did very cool party.
This is where I'm This is why I'm like, you
know what else was there? I didn't tell you you're

(55:08):
gonna I'm gonna be bombed here. We gos, J j Abrams,
me and JJ got beef. Now me and JJ got beef.
I love you, JJ, but we got beef. Man. JJ
didn't make the invite list to Cohen's party. I don't
know why you have beef for them. No, we got
beef because the motherfucker didn't put me in Star Wars. Man. Right, well,
we're not done yet. We're not done with Star Wars.

(55:29):
They're gonna more check us out. No, but check your buddy,
Henry Cavill getting fired from the DC universe. Can we
have all right? Listen, every I know you guys are
supposed to be here for scrubs, but we need five
minutes to talk for five minutes five minutes, we're gonna
do two minute, solid minute, one minute to talk to you.
If you hit skip twice on your thing, you can
miss it. Dude. Holy shit. I feel bad for the

(55:52):
guy really because they left him out. They hung him
out to dry there. Don't you feel that way? Like
they brought him back and they made him an announced
he was coming back, only to make him announce he's
not coming back, you know what I mean? Like, that's
kind of that's kind of weirdness. Now, I will say this.
I will say this, James Gunn is in my opinion,
the DC movies that he's done are the better DC movies. Like,

(56:17):
in fairness to James Gunn, he came in and had
a new mandate. He didn't have anything to do with that,
and he said, hey, I'm I'm that's not it's like
it's like a CEO new CEO of a company being like,
I know that you were just hired as the CFO,
but I'm gonna bring in my own CFO. I'm sorry.
It's not his fault. He just he just was saying, no, sorry,
we're under new management now, and that's not the direction

(56:37):
we're going. James Gunn said, he's gonna give Henry another
role inc they want. This is me personally, he should
be Superman. I think he I don't know if he's
the best Superman, but he was Superman and now they're
trying to restart the thing. I said a lot those movies.
Those movies weren't my favorite movies. They weren't my favorite movies.

(56:58):
None of them were, to be honest with you, but
you know what I did like. I did like Ben
Affleck as Batman. It took me a while, but I
did like him as Batman. And I did like Henry
Caville's freaking Superman, you know what I mean? And I
did like freaking uh Gallas wonder Woman, and I like
Jason Momoa as Aquaman. The movie sucked, but they were cool.
They were cool cast. I think he said something like

(57:20):
I read today that he's gonna go young with younger
with it too. So that's fine too. I'm cool with that.
People keep asking me how come Donald phaz on his
ear movie, and I said, he's a wonderful actor, but
he can't play eighty four. Um so, but if there's
a sequel, um, I will have to play older Morgan Freeman.
We'll do some prosthetic makeup. You're gonna have to pay

(57:41):
me more. That's all right. You had me, You had
me cheap the first time. Now you can you do
a Morgan Freeman impression? Well, Zach, I think I can't.
All right, let's finish up this episode here, okay, um sorry,
we're back everybody. Sorry, we had to do a quick
DC moment. I don't even watch these movies, but I

(58:01):
know how giddy it makes these three. Well it makes
me and Joel. I don't know about Daniel Daniel is
Daniel Daniel video games exactly video games. Daniel's like, is
it in the verse? Is it in the new verse
that's coming out? Daniel wants to talk about Elder Rings, right, Daniel?
Did that win Game of the Year? Did that win
Game of the Year? Yes? Do you like Elder Rings,

(58:24):
Danel No, not my style of game, but it is
the best game of the year, hands down. Does it
look like Red Dead? It looks better than Red Dead? Bullshit? Okay,
really you should go see the play Red Dead is
the play games? Yes, I really want to go see Avatar.
That looks does it? Does it look dope? Goes it
looks on me? Dope? No, I hear I Every everything

(58:48):
I read says that that you can you may be
able to criticize things about it, but that it looks incredible.
How can you bet against James Cameron? Every movie Hester
makes well, he makes He makes good action flicks for
damn sure. But let's let me ask you this. Did
you like the first Avatar? Not the story, but it
was pretty I thought it was cool. It was a movie.

(59:10):
It was a blockbuster. Turk has a testicle removed? Yes,
Jady finds out via Carla. Here's the what we were
talking about earlier and he's very shocked. He says, did
you keep it? And Turk says, why would I, which,
of course is the beautiful tea up for a very
twisted fantasy where they plant Turk's testicle and um, and

(59:31):
they come back and it's grown into Donald. It's growing
to plant Turk and he's got a leaf over his
junk and he does he hasn't really learned English fully yet,
but um he Jad says it's okay plant turk. Friends here,

(59:57):
and then plants are tries to kill Jad and then
j says, we have to find your nut, we have
to find your ball, and we have to destroy it. Yeah,
Um thinks you never here. I mean if you planted.
It's funny that Bill's mind or who members mind said

(01:00:20):
that if you planted a testicle, it would grow plant
a nut plant, right, if if you plan a nut, Yeah,
if you plant a nut, that's the that's the that's
the it'll grow into another plant. Um. And then we learned.
As as he chases JD, we go into another fantasy
where a runner is asking a doctor for speed to
remove both his balls and shafts because he feels like

(01:00:44):
it will help him run faster? Why stop there? Right? Hell,
if it makes me run faster, you could take him
and then it cuts Yeah, they cut right off, dude.
He doesn't even get the dut he gets the d
maybe he's like, you can cut off my dude. And
then Jad crashes into a cart and he says, never

(01:01:05):
fantasize while running. Now here's a question. Yeah, if you
could develop some type of superpower, would you cut off testicles?
Oh my god, no, I want my testicles. What's the
superpower do I get for that? Uh? Mind his mind?

(01:01:25):
Look mind reading? Can I turn it on and off?
I think you turn off? You could turn it on
and off facts. I think it would ruin your life.
It's like when you can turn it on it off.
You think it's turn it on it off? You could
turn it on and off. Ir to give up my
scrown them, you have to give up sack. Am I
allowed sex or sacked? Sack? Oh? Okay, I have a

(01:01:46):
couple of questions. Am I allowed to um shoot some
meaningful loads into a test tube to one day I
have a child? Sure you can do all of that.
You don't have to give up sex. You just have
to give up sack and you get the aility to
read minds, and I can have babies via test tube,
and your test tube babies can be born. Yes, okay,

(01:02:06):
yeah I do. Wait can I have fake nuts in
my sack or the sacks totally gone? No? You have
just just just chafts, just chaft no balls now, okay,
but I can mind reading. Turn on ball But I
can mind reading, and I can turn it on off.
You can turn off mind reading. Okay. I think it
would probably ruin my life to read minds, but um,

(01:02:28):
I like this idea. I'll do it. Yeah, Daniel, Wait, yeah, Daniel,
would you cut off your sack to be able to
mind read? If I could have the same allowance that
Zach has that I can shoot a couple of meaningful loads,
meaningful loads. Okay, Joel, would you have your eggs removed? Yeah?

(01:02:52):
I don't want children. There you go. It's easy for than,
that's easy for you. What about you, Donald, I've already
had my my your removed. Well yeah, man, had your
sack removed, You've had your tubes tied, but you have
you still have a sack with two very girthy nuts.
They are they're very girthy. They're like my word. They're
like sugar dates. Yeah, they're they're plums for plumbs. All right,

(01:03:20):
let's get back to the show. God um So Kelso
lied to Elliott he was doing it as as a
way to reach out for help. That's at least her interpretation.
I think Kelso may have just been trying to make
her feel bad, but Elliott interprets it that he's being
a traditional male and not not asking for help, trying
to solve this conundrum on her own, and she pledges

(01:03:44):
she freaking solves it, though man like, well, she doesn't
solve it. She pledges that she's going to help, and
he seems to want it though at the end of
is what I'm saying though, like, yes, that's the that's
the mystery. Um I hit Turk by accident, and um
and it hits Turk. Yes. And then we don't know
how we're gonna solve this because Jad is not fine

(01:04:07):
with JD hitting Turk. So we come up with a
solution that for the tri Daily magazine, the Janitorial, we
will do a Rocky three freeze frame ending do you
remember the rock I don't remind me, remind me. You
never know who wins? Okay, so Rocky one. No, you

(01:04:30):
don't have to go deep, dude, No way, it has
to it has to be done. Rocky one, Apolo beats Rocky,
Rocky two, Rocky beats, Apolo becomes the champ Rocky three Apolo,
I mean Club of Lang beat Rocky, and Apolo's like, yo, dude,
I gotta get you back on that high horse because
you beat me and there's no way this chump can
beat you. So Apolo trains Rocky Rocky beats Club of Lang.

(01:04:54):
At the end of the movie, Rocky owes Apollo a favor,
and the favor is Apolo wants to re match. Nobody
in the room got it right, and so Nowaday's squaring
up against each other getting ready to fight. And at
the end of the movie they throw a punch and
they hit each other at the same time. That's a
good ending, Rocky freeze frame. That's Rocky three freeze frame ending.

(01:05:16):
All right, you summed it up very very nicely. By
the way, Donald, thank you very much. If anyone out
there is looking for someone to professionally sum on Rocky films, um,
Donald FaZe Isabel, They're my favorite. I'm gonna be honest
with have you ever watched the Rocky Have you ever
watched Rocky One? I've watched them all of it when
they came out and I and I remember watching four
probably in the theaters with Dolph Lunger. If you get

(01:05:37):
a chance, and you I mean it was nominated for
Best Picture one Best Picture. Yeah, if you get a chance.
Listeners out there, if you want to see a really
good fucking movie, watch Rocky One. It's phenomenal and Stallone
is great in everybody's great in it. But it's a
really good movie. Man. It's like a well done there's
a reason why he's still around doing what he's doing.

(01:06:00):
Turk has Um named each of his testicles after the
two main characters in Sandford and Son Lamont and Grady
Lamont and Grady. Now JD asked him which one is
gone gone? Grady still dat? Oh? And then there's some

(01:06:20):
insider Sandford and the Sun joke I forgot. I forgot
for the tiny, tiny percentage of our audience that knows
and loves Sandford and the Sun. I like Son growing up.
That was the best theme song, I think. But that's it.
And we learned the ladies are gonna help um. Ladies
are gonna help Kelso as sort of a to be

(01:06:42):
continued dot dot dot. They're gonna help him not lose
his job. He's gonna lose that job. Yeah, we all
know that. Spoilers. All right, that's our show, everybody. We're
gonna take a break and we come back. Joel's gonna
play us some some audio, right Joel, Yes, sir, we'll
be right back after these words, and we're back. What

(01:07:11):
you're trying to get into a day shoon? What you're
trying to do? What are you trying to get into?
Day shoon? I'm trying to get into the bathroom. I'm
going to a sports match this uh, this weekend. It's
it's the football one and it's the La Rams Verse
the Titans. Oh okay, look at you going to Rams

(01:07:34):
games all of a sudden. Well, um, it's a nice activity. Donald.
You go watch the sports and have a little drink, drink,
have a little drinking drink with some campadres. Hear. I
don't really follow the game that much. I find it
not as interesting as the drinking with campadre's part. As

(01:07:56):
I told you, my father would drag me to the
Nets games as a child, and I just want to
know where Duncan in the mascot was amazing. I would
just watch Duncan the whole game. That Duncan. That sums
up my how I felt about the supports. I was
just my dad was screaming at the game, and I'm like,
where's Duncan. He's hilarious. Duncan was hilarious, really good mascot.

(01:08:19):
Whoever played Duncan in the mid eighties nailed it all. Right,
let's hear Joelle, what do we got? What you got
for us? Okay, this first one, it's from Andy McGirk.
Andy McGirk, Hey, guys, it's Andy here. I've sent you
a pitch before, but I've got a better idea now. Ow.

(01:08:39):
The only way I think I can truly sell this
is if to attempt an Australian accident. There, he go
al on, mit, I've got a fantastic idea for your
new project for you guys. It's called Fake Doctor's Real
Friends the musical. So basically the storyline would be that
we have two struggling actors doing a podcast, but they

(01:09:00):
both have doctors as their folks. Anyway, one of them
has the idea that who earn a liud been more
money and have a theme for their new podcasts. They
could use their parents' medical books, try and learn them
live scripts, and then apply for jobs as actual doctors.
They go ahead and apply, they land the job, and
they're all mannishing anigans take place across the rest of

(01:09:21):
the musical Okay, speaking normally, I know what you're thinking.
How does this tie in with Zach and Donald's podcast. Well,
all the songs in musical will be from Zach's soundboard.
We great musical numbers such as what are you trying
to get into, Zach, I Love You, wou Tang Forever?
And the Tony Award winning song which I will play

(01:09:44):
for you now. It doesn't matter it. I have no
faith in future musical enjoy. Wow, all right, I'm speechless.

(01:10:12):
I love the musical number. I love the musical number two.
I think we've got something there. Yeah, we might need
that for the soundboard, Daniel, Um. That might have to
that might have to make more appearances. Well, I think
this is a lesson in pitching. Everybody. You don't want
to upstage your pitch um with um with something like
an Australian accent, because it becomes a little tricky to
hear what what what? What's happening? I didn't understand what

(01:10:35):
did didn't he have an Australian accent before? Now I
believe he had an English accent. Um right, Joel maybe?
And then he put on because he knows we love
that Australian guy so much. He was trying to piggyback
on his his god it and uh and I think
things went a little little awry with the pitch. But

(01:10:55):
he wrote a beautiful song. Beautiful song because everybody does
love a little ass play, I know. But what he's
saying is we could make a whole musical out of
songs on the songboard. What you're trying to get into
a day's shoes? It's like a melancholic uh, like a
little ballad in the show. Like yeah, it's like I'm
holding your face and I just don't know what you

(01:11:17):
want to get into it? And you can picture all
the dancers behind us. But I got one hand on
your on your chest and one hand on your on
your face, and I'm like, what you're trying to get
into a dale shoe? I don't know the rest of

(01:11:38):
the lyrics yet, but I'm sold. Well, do you know
the rest of the lyrics. Don't do that what you're
trying to do. That's right, you're trying to do that thing.
You're trying to get into a day shoe. What is it?
I feel you're trying to get into my rib cage

(01:11:59):
where I keep my heart. Wow. Just make sure when
you get in there, don't be afraid. Yeah, hold me clothes. Oh,

(01:12:19):
it's a gay love story. It doesn't have to be gay.
Why does it have to be gay? I just I
just assumed it was a gay love story. It doesn't
need to be. It could be a platonic Just because
we cuddle and hold each other, that doesn't make us gay. Buddy,
I need that for the soundboard. All right, listen, Daniel,

(01:12:40):
you missed it. I'm gonna have some soundboard entries in there.
Fantastic Um, thank you for the pitch. We love the song,
but that's uh, we're gonna We're gonna pass on the rest,
all right, Joel, this must be a pitch for a
new podcast with Zack and Donald. So actually, because this
is our final show of the year, and because Donald
has requested it so frequently, here's Stephen Brandon. Yes, yes,

(01:13:07):
all right, Well he has listen. He's got more and
I want to just see. This is our final show
of the year because we're going to take time off
for the holidays and we love y'all so much and
this is so fun. We love doing this, so thank
you for listening. Um, all right, go into it. Hey guys,
it's Stephen Brandon here, your favorite Australian crypt keeper. Yes,

(01:13:31):
I am a proud member of the two First Names Club.
There's Billy, Joel, Bob Dylan, Steve Martin, Larry David, Jennifer Lawrence,
and now Stephen Brandon. As requested, I have some more
pictures for you guys. Here we go. Number one. Two
best friends are involved in a nuclear accident and become heroes,

(01:13:52):
but there's a catch. Each day they both get a
new superpower that only lasts for that day, and they
must figure out what it is and how to use
it to save the city. Zack and Donald are unlikely
superheroes in twenty four hour Power Yeah. Number two. Both
recently single, two best friends move to a quaint town

(01:14:13):
to run a successful bed and breakfast. A year later,
their grown children go bust and show up homeless and unemployed,
leaving the men with no choice but to take them in,
teach them the business, and become a family. Zach and
Donald are innkeepers in Everybody's In and number three, when
celebrities Zach Braff and Donald fayze On swap bodies, they

(01:14:36):
must learn patience and restraint as they live as each
other for a week. Donald enjoys the white boy bachelor
lifestyle too much, as Zach does his best to avoid
sleeping with the beautiful Casey Cobb. Zach and Donald are
each other in Thirsty Thursday, look like those ideas and
can't wait to get in the chair and play on

(01:14:56):
Narrata one day. Thanks. I love I love his ideas,
always funny. We gotta have him on the podcast just
one time. I want just one time. I want to
have him one and just have We could do a
we can do to fix your life, but not really
a fiction. He needs to be on the show. Listen.
The funny thing about him is even though he's just funny,

(01:15:20):
and I want to tell him that, Like, I know
he's doing these his funny joke pitches for us, but
he should like pitch real shit because because he's funny
and he's charming any and he and he and even
though his ideas are zany, he comes up with funny
little hooks, you know. Yeah, like the wife swapping one.
What do you think of that? I like that too,

(01:15:41):
But I like the superpower. I think Casey we have
to play herself, Zach goes love you. Yeah, that's fine.
I like the superhero one. I think that's hilarious. Funny
what their powers are? That is funny. Each It's kind
of like quantum leap in that they jump to a
new situation every time, but instead of jumping a new situation,

(01:16:01):
they jump every every day to a new superpower and
they have to figure out what it is because sometimes
it may not be obvious. Right, that's clever. It's pretty cool. Um.
I like that one the best. Joel put that one
on the whiteboard. All right, thank you so much, everybody,
We love you. This is so fun. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah,
happy Kwanza, happy any holiday you celebrate. Happy New Year,

(01:16:24):
Joel Daniel, I have presents coming to you. Donald. I
have some presents coming to you and your kids. Guys.
I bought a house and eventually I will have you
guys in that house to hang out. But as of
right now. That's where all my money is. So what
you're selling them, what you're telling Danlon Joel, is that
their present is that you're gonna one day have them over.
My present is one day you will come over and

(01:16:45):
I will shower you with Christa. Well, yeah, I'll buy
Chris for y'all. Shoot, I'll buy a Chris. I'll buy Chris.
I'll buy Spades that that jay Z drinks the Spades
I'll drive. I buy that. I'll buy what's the other
ship that y'all love? Nineteen forty two? That really expenses.
I bought a ninety. Whatever they bring out at the

(01:17:06):
club when you say I want bottle service, whatever they
bring out for y'all when you come through, I'm gonna
have a little section where y'all can listen to. It'll
be like a couch and y'all can have fucking bottle service,
fucking party. Who thank you, Daniel. You won't have the
DJ and notting Wow I would. Um, I'm gonna have

(01:17:28):
somebody bring you the bottle service with sparklers and ship.
Your kids are gonna be dressed up like the waite
staff and they're gonna bring us spottles with sparklers. I'm
gonna put my kids to work and they gonna um.
All right. We love you guys, Thank you so much.
Happy New Year, Be safe and kind and Donald count

(01:17:49):
South seven eight about show we made about a bunch
of nurses. The stories nevere all should know. So gather
around you here. I'm gather around you here, I'm squat free.

(01:18:09):
Watch your winds and time. Mm hmmmm