Still Talkin' Bout Sex, Baby with Vanessa and Xander Marin

Vanessa and Xander make their triumphant return to Fake Doctors to tell us about butt stuff, and how to keep the wife happy. Just a reminder - this one isn't for the kids. Enjoy! Go to vmtherapy.com for Vanessa's guides.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you been humming the song all day long that
I've been humming.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Let's talk about sex.

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Baby, sex baby. Let's talk about you and me.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Let's talk about all the good things and.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
The bad things that maybe, guys, we haven't talked in
so long. I don't even know where to begin. A man,
I don't even know where to begin. Do we talk
about Chapel Rond, whom I love.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
The best?

Speaker 1 (00:30):
Chapel is huge. She's a big the current kind of
big pop star of the summer, along with Charlie xx.

Speaker 2 (00:43):
Charlie XCX is having to comeback.

Speaker 1 (00:45):
Huh, she's having a huge, huge summer Charlie xyxes.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, it's only been It's only been on the radio
for like two weeks.

Speaker 4 (01:00):
Though, and it's everywhere.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
The new color.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
She did a collab with Billie Eilish. I think it
was the fastest growing collab ever, the remix of Guess.
It was all about being able to see someone's underwear.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Do you know where you know where? Charlie x c
X Where I first heard her?

Speaker 5 (01:17):
Where donald that little Iggy Azalea song fancy and then
she had boom solid My heart.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
That beat goes on and on and on and on
and boom makes me feel good.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Yeah. Well, she has an enormous hit album that everyone
is listening to and.

Speaker 2 (01:44):
It's my daughter put it on yesterday.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Yeah, and am I saying her right name? Right? Chapel Rowin, Yeah,
she Donald. This young lady had a concert at Lollapalooza
and Lolla Plus said, that's the biggest crowd we've ever had. Wow,
that's nuts for this one artist. She's Both of these

(02:08):
young ladies are blowing up albums. You're gonna like great albums. Yeah,
you'll like Chapel Roane Donald the song I recommend you
start with because I listened to it a lot, and
I know y'all think. Of course, Zach likes Chapel Roane
because he loves the girlypop red Wine super Nova you

(02:30):
know that one?

Speaker 3 (02:30):
Oh yeah, right there out on the deck twitter K nine.

Speaker 6 (02:35):
See in the side of my neck.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
That sits fire real good. I've been driving around l
a with like bopping my head to that.

Speaker 4 (02:51):
Yes, she's inspired by the drag queens. Feels incredible outfits.

Speaker 1 (02:55):
What is that relationship? Is she? Is? She a queer person?
Is out?

Speaker 3 (03:01):
So she's queer.

Speaker 4 (03:03):
She's a bisexual, she's of my people, but she.

Speaker 1 (03:07):
I love her. What's going on with that story? Why
she was.

Speaker 4 (03:11):
Harming out a lot of gay clubs? And drag performer
was like, I think you are a sister ender drag queen,
which may about dragons, just like like overly heightened feminine energy.
So there are sisterender drag queens. And she was like,
I really embrace this idea. I love it. And so
she started doing like just extra big makeups and costumes

(03:31):
donald for her Lallapalooza set. She was in lucha door
outfit with bodybuilders behind her. Phenomenal, so good.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
Good for her. I saw some video that was like,
I don't know how many years ago it was, but
not that many years ago, and it was like her
busking for like nobody, or maybe she wasn't busking. She
was on a stage with you know one of those
things where you see video and there's like twenty people
the park, oh right, and then you and then they
and then they in the video they cut to Lallapalooza
and like eighty thousand people. This is crazy, crazy, how

(04:02):
one's life can change.

Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yes, we've seen it, we've seen it firsthand. And yeah,
We've seen it Josh Raids well yeah, well yeah, but
Josh Raiden's we've seen it, like in music with Josh Raiden. Yeah,
maybe not to this level where no, not at that.

Speaker 1 (04:21):
Level, but of course at his own level. Yeah, we
saw his life change. He was sleeping on my couch.

Speaker 2 (04:25):
Mm hmm. It's really interesting where music can take you
because it doesn't. It doesn't happen for everybody, but for
the selected few, you know what I mean. If you
can ride that way for a long time, you're even
so you're you're the one percent of the one percent.
But for the selected few that get that moment, that
fifteen minutes, yo, you know, enjoy that shit. I know.

(04:49):
I feel like that's why all of these artists are
so fucking out of their minds and stuff. They're like,
this shit could be gone tomorrow, Bro, they might not
buy the next song, So enjoy this right now, you
know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (04:59):
Because you never Charlie XCX, I mean, I mean, I
haven't heard from her making music in a long time,
and all of a sudden, this has been like the
most viral album. It's everywhere.

Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, you never know her. You never know John, you know,
did John Cryer episode just here and stuff. Yeah, he
was talking about that. He was talking about how it
seemed like his career was over. He was looked at
as the guy who was given the chance, and you
know what, it didn't work, So yeah, we're gonna move on.
He found a way to get back in these people's

(05:31):
faces and show them.

Speaker 1 (05:33):
That's what's crazy about this, this this career path, this
this industry, is that you absolutely have no idea what
could happen tomorrow, and that that's the that's the's the
high and the low of it is that you know
you can I was talking about this. I'm even doing
press for Bad Monkey, which I guess by the time

(05:54):
this areas will be out. It's on Apple TV, the
new show with Vince Vaughn and I have a I
have a role in it. But I was doing press
and they were like, you know, how do you when
did you know this show is good? And I was like,
you never know anything's good. I directed the second episode
of ted Lasso, and I remember thinking like, this is cute,
Like this will definitely find an audience, like yeah, people

(06:15):
who like sports and like, you know, Jason Steakas is
so funny. This will be cute. I had no idea
it was going to become like, you know, this global phenomenon,
and you just you, just like John Carr're saying, you
just have no idea. One day, you got absolutely nothing
going on. The next day you're in a fucking You're

(06:37):
you're playing eighty.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
Things, number one show man an Emmy. Emmy's crazy talking
about how your life changes. You know, it's it's it's
that's what it is.

Speaker 1 (06:50):
And also the ebbs and flows of the business that
like you can have a you know, just as Charlie
XX as an example, like I don't remember last time
hearing her put out music, and now she puts out
me and she's like, you know, the it girl of
the talk of the town, Talk of the town. What
else can we talk about?

Speaker 2 (07:07):
What talk about dead Pool Wolverine? Please? Oh?

Speaker 1 (07:10):
Did you love it? I haven't seen it, obviously, you
guys haven't seen Deadpool Wolverine? Did you love it? Donald?
Were you very pleased? Don't give it, don't give spoilers
for audience members.

Speaker 2 (07:20):
You don't have to talk about it. It's all right.
I liked it. It was a good entertaining movie.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
It did very well at the box office people seem
to really love it.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Well, we keep going back to.

Speaker 4 (07:30):
Opening weekend? Do you think it saved Marvel Donald?

Speaker 2 (07:33):
There was nobody in the MCU in it, But that's
not true.

Speaker 4 (07:37):
The whole TVA is in there. That's all MCU stuff.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
That's the only mon that's that's and that's the close.
But that's close as Deadpool got. Also Favreau in the
beginning spoilers.

Speaker 1 (07:51):
What else can we talk about? Guys? What else is happening? Joelle?
How's your life?

Speaker 4 (07:54):
Life is good?

Speaker 2 (07:55):
Man?

Speaker 4 (07:55):
Can't complain?

Speaker 1 (07:56):
Are you dating?

Speaker 7 (07:57):
Are you?

Speaker 2 (07:57):
Are you?

Speaker 1 (07:57):
Are you flirting? Any any fun summer flings going on?

Speaker 4 (08:02):
I'm talking to somebody, okay, chatting, but she's cool tow
and I like her.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
So it's nice to have a crush, right, Isn't it
nice to have a flirty banter going on?

Speaker 4 (08:15):
It's delightful. We exchange I'm a big fan of voice notes.
We just exchange waste notes all day and like I'll go.

Speaker 3 (08:23):
Like, oh, just tell me a voice notes.

Speaker 2 (08:24):
So cute.

Speaker 4 (08:26):
So yeah, it's it's fun to be flirty and talking
and learning about like loging to know somebody. So I'm
having fun.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
It's cute when you're in those early stages when they
can where you don't even know the person barely, but
it's just like flirting and getting knowing. That's so fun.
Oh god, yes, And all of a sudden something happens
and you're like, something happens. You're like, oh no, it's
not over here, continue.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
To be great. Yeah, I've been married for a bit.
I'm all right, man. I survived the subvive that red
flag station. Yeah, you did, the moments of Is that
a deal breaker?

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Right?

Speaker 2 (09:08):
Are you going through anything that you want to talk about?

Speaker 1 (09:10):
Se No, I'm not going to talk about my personal ship,
but I do. I will. I will go so far
as to say that it's fun to have the flirty
banter and and be excited, be all geeked out like
a like a kid when you get a cute picture text.

Speaker 2 (09:26):
You know, I miss those days, those days, don't She
doesn't send you a cute picture, No, she'll send me
funny memes. That's our little banter nowadays. You know what
I mean, I'll get a I'll get a little gift
or a or a freaking you know, a meme, a
meme or a what are those things where it's like

(09:48):
a TikTok.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
Yeah, so do you. But Casey never sends you like
a scandalous picture.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
No, I send her to scandalous ship. Never, guys, Okay,
I guess you know what to deal. Yeah, I'll be
sending my wife on solicited dick picts all of that shit,
you know. And is she ever like whoa Yeah, she
always puts the rolling her eyes that's.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
Not whoa rolling eyes emojis, that's funny.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Or she'll put or she'll be like the kids have
the phone and then.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
I'm just fucking with you, and it'll be I send
her this meme that was like, I sent her this
meme that was like of like from a woman's point
of view. She's like, I always know when my husband's
on the toilet because I'll get like, you know, fifty
memes in a row. And I sent that to Casey
and she goes and she wrote back, you know our
husband will that's funny, that's funny. How about Bill Lawrence

(10:55):
in the press, like saying all this stuff about Scrubs reboot.
I don't know if you've seen I haven't hear.

Speaker 3 (11:01):
Well.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
Bill can't help himself when he's in front of a
microphone and he's doing all the bad monkey press and
he gets all geeked out in front of the journalists
and you know, they ask him, without fail, what's the
Scrubs reboot going to be? And the latest thing he
said was like, I'll probably have an announcement for you
in the next six months. Okay, that's what That's what
he said this week. And I was actually doing press

(11:23):
next to him and they're like, well, Zach, what do
you think? And I'm like, I only find out this
ship when when he talks to journalists, because he gets
all geeked out and wants to like, you know, titillate y'all. Well, anyway,
I think shit's getting real. What I'm saying fans out
there that are interested, I think ship's getting real.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Let's talk about Simone Biles.

Speaker 1 (11:44):
Okay, very finally, I was going to say, you were like,
what else is going on? I'm like the Olympics. Oh, sorry, Olympics. Everybody, Olympics,
Simone Biles. Wow, she rules? Did you watch a lot
of it?

Speaker 2 (11:58):
I've been watching the Olympics. I've been watching a lot
of the highlights of the Olympics because they come on
at such weird hours and stuff like that live and
then once you know the score, it's like or who won.
It's like, I don't really care to see any of
the you know what I mean, that's the that's the
ship that really sucks about, you know, the timing and
all of that stuff.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
It's like, I keep thinking about, what the hell is
this gonna happen in l A.

Speaker 8 (12:20):
Like, I'm not gonna be dude, we got to get
But like I bro, if you if you're listening and
you don't live in la which is most of you,
I imagine.

Speaker 2 (12:31):
Don't you in the words of Kamala Harris, don't come.

Speaker 1 (12:34):
Don't come, don't do not does it, do not come,
do not, do not come. Have you guys seen that video? Yes,
Trump's they come together, they cut together, Trump going I'm
gonna come, and she goes, do not come, do not come,

(12:56):
do not come. I have to say that you and
if you don't live in l A. You know the
rumors that we have a serious traffic congestion problem and
the idea of the Olympics being here. Where are these
people gonna park? Where where is anything where you public? Yeah, carmageddon.

(13:18):
La elid just doesn't have the doesn't have the bandwidth
to hold instructure for it.

Speaker 2 (13:24):
Do you know how dude, the infrastructure is fucked already
and they're gonna build a bunch of ship to fucking
hold the Olympics there already.

Speaker 1 (13:32):
Where are they gonna hold? Where are they gonna hold
these things?

Speaker 6 (13:34):
Like pools?

Speaker 2 (13:36):
We have so many different there's so many different spots
in Los Angeles where you can.

Speaker 1 (13:43):
Hold I know, but I'm talking about people getting around
this city. And I know they're they're trying to build more,
you know, subway lines, but make so many two weeks,
two weeks, it's going to suck up the city for
like two months.

Speaker 2 (13:56):
Well, house up board your house four years of l
A if you hear, because they come and y'all they coming.

Speaker 1 (14:07):
You live, dude, you're gonna be.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
You gonna be everywhere. It's gonna be everywhere you're gonna do.
You're gonna be a thousand oaks. You're all gonna be
a thousand oaks and freaking be Like, where the fuck
did all these people come from?

Speaker 1 (14:18):
How funny Snoop By the way, he's fucking hilarious snooper amazing.

Speaker 4 (14:22):
I hear he's getting paid five hundred thousand dollars a
day to like go around to me an ambassador for
the Olympics essentially and just show up.

Speaker 1 (14:29):
God, what a deal. He's funny though when he said
he said, there was some quote from him like he
was going to dressage where the horses dancing, and he's like,
I'm excited to see these horses and feed them some
apples before they do their thing.

Speaker 3 (14:47):
It's crazy.

Speaker 4 (14:48):
I love it though.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
He's just funny man. And you see that memea him
like with his glasses down looking at Yeah, that's what
that one's funny too. Right, let's talk about sex malays, gentlemen.
Obviously we're gonna get into sexual talk. If you happen
to have your kids listening, this is not the episode
because we're gonna ask good questions, talk about chefs, and

(15:12):
we're gonna talk about clitoris. Is the is the port cleatorus' clitoride?

Speaker 2 (15:19):
Joell, that is a question.

Speaker 4 (15:22):
You're professionalists. I don't know, okay, I never had first
question for Okay, I don't know where.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
Well, I bet there's people born with multiple platories. All right,
let's sell.

Speaker 9 (15:33):
Six seven stories about show we made about a bunch
of nurses.

Speaker 1 (15:42):
Said he's the stories.

Speaker 6 (15:48):
So YadA here, yeah here, Yes.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
You're our favorite. I think you're my favorite guest. I'm
sorry to everybody else. I think you guys are.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
You could talk about my good sex sex sex since
since you guys have been on all he said to Joe, Well,
is we really need to get them back on the show.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
Well, because I thought, you know, people loved it. I
hope you got a lot of good feedback. You too,
because uh, people stop me on the street and they're like,
I bought the Anus Guide and I'm like, what are
you talking about? Oh, Vanessa and Xander, So you must
have sold a lot of guides.

Speaker 3 (16:46):
We got a lot of great feedback. We really loved
being on here, and I'm so glad that now we
have like a custom little tone for ourselves, acustomed jingle
and to be the best guess. That's pretty exciting for
those of you that.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
Didn't catch the first episode of An and Xander. Vanessa,
you are a licensed sex therapist.

Speaker 2 (17:05):
Correct, Yes, Xander you are not.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Xander you are not, but you know a lot.

Speaker 2 (17:11):
But you get to experience all the learn yes, through college.

Speaker 3 (17:19):
It's just like a cool dude.

Speaker 7 (17:21):
Yeah, cool dude. I got a lot of cool dude credentials.

Speaker 1 (17:24):
I feel like, Xander, You're like you're.

Speaker 2 (17:26):
A fucking cool dude dude.

Speaker 1 (17:29):
I feel like you're sort of the test subject. I
feel like Vanessa goes out and she learns some new
technique and she's like, honey, put this in your butt,
and then you guys like try stuff out.

Speaker 3 (17:40):
Literally yesterday we were wrapping our full bodies in plastic
wrap to try out a weird tip that I'd read
on the internet. Exactly what I really an accurate description.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
That's my point. I want to remind everybody that Vanessa
has written these guides. Well, tell us, tell us about
the book and the guide again, because you know, I
want to. I want to let everyone know you know
what you have to offer them.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
Yeah, thank you so much. So we wrote the book together.
It's called Sex Talks The Five Conversations that Will Transform
Your Love Life, and you can get that anywhere you
get books. You can also go to sextalksbook dot com
and we have all the links there. We give you
a free workbook with it as well, and then we
in our own business like really specialize in creating how

(18:27):
to guides like yes.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
Which is very helpful for people yeah.

Speaker 3 (18:31):
Like we all feel like we're supposed to be great
at sex. But I think we talked about this last time,
Like where do we learn whoever sits you down and says, okay,
here's step by step exactly how to go down on
a woman, or how to give a guy the best
blowdup he's ever gotten in his entire life.

Speaker 2 (18:45):
Where where can said guides be found? Again?

Speaker 1 (18:49):
Yeah? Yeah, Donald wants to be reminded where said guides
can be found.

Speaker 3 (18:53):
Those can be found at vmtherapy dot com. Yeh VM
therapy dot com. They cost guides, intercourse guides, all sorts
of stuff.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
Well, and there's specifics because I remember last time, there's
specifics for like everything he needs to know about the
vagint of the penis and the anus.

Speaker 3 (19:14):
Right, we cover everything. Yeah, we can talk about initiation.
We have sex challenges, connection challenges. We actually our newest
thing is something called Best Week Ever. A lot of
people have come to us and they're like, everything looks
so good, I don't know where to start, and so
we wanted to create a really concrete starting point for people.
It's seven days, ten minutes a day or less, but

(19:35):
really gives you like the best introduction to everything that
we do. So you can go straight to vmtherapy dot
com slash best if you want to check that.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
Rob, you should get that for you and Casey. I'm
sure she'd be down for seven week intensive sex course.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
Listen.

Speaker 3 (19:49):
It covers a lot of the things that we talked
about with you guys last time, like kind.

Speaker 2 (19:53):
Of the emotional let's have a check in, let's have
a check today.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, did you do any of that? Short?

Speaker 10 (20:00):
Me?

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Is what happened? All right? That's gonna happen all right?
You fucked me?

Speaker 7 (20:03):
Wait?

Speaker 2 (20:04):
No, no, that's that's it. What do you mean? Wait? Wait,
wait for what? I'm good right to it?

Speaker 1 (20:10):
No, no, wait, I have a question. I want to
remind the audience that Vanessa suggested that there was something
called chore play.

Speaker 2 (20:17):
I don't like short play anymore.

Speaker 1 (20:18):
No, did chore play not work for you?

Speaker 2 (20:22):
Short play doesn't work for me. I've opted on less sex.
There we go, all right, interesting tell me that ship.
I don't like short play. I don't like doing that ship.
I don't like my kids. I don't I mean, I
love my kids, but I don't like hanging out with
my kids. So chort play.

Speaker 1 (20:37):
See you lea, But what about what about chor play
in the form of like doing the dishes and cleaning
up a little and saying, honey, don't worry, I got
I took care of X, Y or Z for you.

Speaker 6 (20:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
I do that every now and then. But I don't
need sex to do that. That's cool, it's all right.
I've opted out of the whole scheduling chores for me.
Ship noah, fuck that, No, no, no.

Speaker 1 (20:58):
No, so so. And it hasn't improved any your your
ability to get more intercourse than you were getting. You
felt like you wanted, you had an appetite for more.

Speaker 2 (21:09):
No, they you guys gave my wife a power that
I am. No, I don't. I don't. It's it's it's
too strong, I am. It's my kryptonite. She's like chores,
and I'm like, now, I'm good, never mind.

Speaker 1 (21:22):
I got to do my work. You gotta do the work.
I can hear my therapy.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
I don't, but I don't want to do I don't
want to do the I don't want to do the work.
I feel like this is what it felt like to me.
It felt like I was doing the work to have sex,
and I was like, ah, it's all right when you want.

Speaker 3 (21:39):
To have that distinction. Yeah, So the idea here is
not that you earn sex by doing chores like, oh,
you washed like twenty dishes and you get one blow job. Like,
it's not a it's not a reciprocal exchange here.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
That would be that would mean unless you wash so
many dishes, I would be twenty dishes is a blow chop.

Speaker 3 (22:02):
So it's not an exchange. It's not an exchange. But
the idea here is that what we're really looking for,
what a lot of us women are really looking for,
and people hold genders like we want a real partner
in life, like we want somebody who's there with us
through the thick and the thin, and who's participating in
those everyday activities with us so that we feel connected
to them in those ways. And so it does. Again

(22:24):
it's not about like doing the decision in exchange for things.
And there are plenty of couples like we have a
ton of chores that we don't like doing, so we've
hired them out. You know, we have a housekeeper that comes,
but we find ways to be partnerships in other ways
so that we both feel supported by each other and
we want to be intimate with each other even after
like a long, hard.

Speaker 1 (22:40):
Day, Vanessa, is this one of the most common things
that you get faced with. I wanted to ask you
that right off the bat. For those of you who
didn't hear the first episode of Donald and Casey talked
about a difference in their libidos and how much sex
they want, And I wondered, is that is this a
very common thing with couples?

Speaker 3 (22:57):
For you and your practice, it's extremely common. I mean,
I would even go so far to say that every
couple has mismatched libidos simply because you're two different people.
Like it would be really weird if every single time
you wanted sex, your partner also wanted sex and they
wanted the exact same kind of sex in that moment
like that, that's just too strange. So we all have

(23:19):
these natural differences. I think the big problem is that
we are so afraid of that term, like, ooh, mismatch libidos. Ooh,
that's so scary. Oh it's a problem. Ooh are we incompatible?
And we get freaked out about it instead of just recognizing, like, yeah,
we're different people. We want like some nights I want
Chinese for dinner and Xander wants Italian for dinner. Like,
we don't freak out about that, We just figure out, Okay,

(23:40):
how do we negotiate these differences. It's the same thing
with sex.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
The mastery comes in the communication, right because I think
people are so afraid to talk about this stuff in
all aspects. I mean we can talk about you know,
you know, trying new things which we'll go into, but
I mean I think even people have such insecurities around
sex because it's we were told our whole lives. It's

(24:06):
so taboo that that we're afraid to talk about it, right, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (24:11):
And I mean imagine anything else in your life trying
to do it well with zero communication. Like you guys
have a business together. Could you run this business never
talking about it? Like the idea is preposterous, Like of
course not.

Speaker 7 (24:25):
Right, Yeah, I mean it would be like, oh, well,
we are so in sync and our business, like our
concept is so good that we should never have to
talk about it, Like it just it just goes over well,
you know.

Speaker 3 (24:36):
And like, yeah, you guys have been friends for a
long time, you've been working together for a long time.
Why do you need to communicate shouldn't you be so
in single to each other?

Speaker 2 (24:43):
Right?

Speaker 3 (24:44):
Like it sounds ridiculous, but that's what we do with sex,
is you know, oh, it should just be perfect and amazing,
but nobody should ever have to talk about it. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 (24:51):
And that's the one thing I hate. I hate that.
I hate that any type of conversation of sex has
to first of all, all right, is everybody comfortable with
talking about sex?

Speaker 3 (25:02):
Like?

Speaker 2 (25:02):
Are we all good with this? I don't, you know,
you know, like sometimes I like to talk about sex
with my wife and she doesn't necessarily like to talk
about it as much as I do, And I don't
like that. I don't like that it's something that's so taboo.
But yet you look at other couples like yourselves, where
you guys can have the conversation all the time and

(25:25):
it's not an issue. And I have.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
But there are experts, I mean, you know, but well, yeah, I.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
Mean, nobody's an expert. Only God's next way.

Speaker 3 (25:34):
Yeah, we've had our Yeah, we've had our own challenges
with this. Like we I started this business by myself.
Xander and I did not work together for many years,
and we went through the exact same pattern that the
vast majority of couples go through where you know, the
beginning of the relationship, it was super hot and heavy.
It felt like the chemistry was amazing, Like we were like, Okay,
this is it, this is my person. And then we

(25:55):
get a year, two years into the relationship, we've moved
in together, and all of a sudden, we're looking around
thinking like, oh my god, what happened to us? Like
I don't remember the last time we had sex. The
sex that we are having is pretty boring. It's not
very exciting or like fulfilling and pleasurable. And we ourselves,
even though I was already in this field, like we
struggled to talk about it. The only conversations that we

(26:19):
ended up having, like the very few were really negative,
Like it was just complaining and criticizing. We didn't get
anywhere with it, like we didn't solve any problems. So
we've been there ourselves, and it was us going through
that experience and learning, oh, maybe the first conversations that
we have about sex should not be the bad things
and the complaints and the criticisms, Like maybe we need

(26:40):
to find a different way to creating a foundation.

Speaker 1 (26:43):
That's a great segue Vanessa, Because imagine there's a lot
of people listening who are like, who can relate to
everything you just said. I love my partner, we have
had amazing sex. We've been together a while, it's gotten
a little routine. How do you how do you begin
to have a conversation with that person that isn't that

(27:04):
isn't going to make them feel bad? You know, what
do you recommend for people as a first step, because
I'm sure a lot of people who can relate. You know,
it's not that the sex is bad, but it's a
little like, oh, this is how we've always done it.
It's almost like it's almost like an Errand now how
do you how do you how does how does someone
who's listening to this approach this with this partner in

(27:24):
their partner in a way that won't upset the partner.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
So do the exact opposite of what Xander and I did, Like,
instead of launching straight into all the criticisms and complaints,
you've got to build a foundation of talking about sex
in a positive or even just a neutral way, Like
you've got to get to the point where you feel
comfortable with it, like comfortable talking about sex the same
way we talk about like, oh, what do we want
to have for dinner? What's the weather going to be

(27:48):
like tomorrow? So what we recommend is like that, Yeah,
so we want to start talking about positive experiences. So
one of the best things you can do is talk
about some of your favorite sexual experiences together. So this
is not a conversation to like achieve any sort of
goal to like eventually try to solve any prompts. It's

(28:08):
literally just like, hey, you know what memory popped into
my head just really randomly the other day, or like,
you know what I had a dream about the other
night that anniversary trip that we took when we were
in Mexico. We stayed at that hotel, you know what
we did in the bathtub, Like you just want to
talk about sex in a positive way. You can also
use this podcast as a great way to open up

(28:29):
a conversation. So it's like, hey, you know my favorite podcast.
I listen to it every week. They had this sex
therapist and her husband on today. Do you want to
listen to it with me? It was a really interesting conversation.

Speaker 7 (28:39):
And then you can just like keep hitting pause and
be like, oh, hey, like what do you think about this?
Or like, oh, does this ever happen in our relationship?
Like little things like that where it feels you feel
a little more detached from it because it's like we're
talking about it. It's not you know, you guys having
to talk about it yourselves. But yeah, just like seeing
you know, how we talk about it and just feeling

(29:01):
more comfortable.

Speaker 3 (29:01):
And that's actually what we design. Like our whole Instagram
account where at Vanessa and Xander to do is like
we talk about other people's stories, We share statistics about
our audience, so it gives you this neutral way of like, oh, look,
I was just looking at their story. They say ninety
one percent of women say that intercourse isn't their favorite
sexual activity, Like isn't that crazy? You know, so when
you're talking about it in this more objective way rather

(29:24):
than why do you never initiate? You never seem to
want me anymore? You couldn't stay hard the last time
we had sex, Like that's totally different.

Speaker 1 (29:31):
The people get defensive and there they get defensive and
then they're not listening. It's like any It's like it's
like it's like having a conversation about any topic. If
you if you if you put someone on the defensive,
they're not going to be listening in the same way.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
Exactly.

Speaker 2 (29:44):
Let's take a break.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
We'll be right back after these fine words. No, just
because you went there for a second, talk about that
for a second. I remember last time you say it.
This is a bit of a non sequitor. But you
said some surprising figure to be about the percentage of

(30:07):
women that can have an orgasm from penetration. Pen what
do you do, Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (30:14):
It's only ten to fifteen percent. This is one of
the big misunderstanding.

Speaker 1 (30:18):
You know, there's people that listen to this that came
up to me and they said that was one of
the most shocking things they heard.

Speaker 2 (30:24):
So they're lying. So they're lying.

Speaker 3 (30:27):
Yeah, a lot of a lot of women are lying
because that's how.

Speaker 1 (30:31):
Wait wait, wait, wait, Vanessa, ten to fifteen percent.

Speaker 7 (30:36):
From penetration alone, penetration alone, not including like using your
hands for assistance.

Speaker 1 (30:43):
Because right now, no, no, no, I know, I know, I
want to get I want to I want to get
to that. But my first is like just penetration. You're
saying that the stats showed ten to fifteen percent of
women can have an orgasm that way.

Speaker 3 (30:56):
Yeah, did we talk about the Anatomy last time. Wait,
I got to find my gonna find my little model
over here. Did we talk about anatomy last time?

Speaker 1 (31:04):
Yeah, a little bit, but but but not everyone will
have heard the episode, so go ahead.

Speaker 7 (31:08):
Yeah, we're on video now, and.

Speaker 3 (31:09):
We're on video, so I can show you my quote.

Speaker 1 (31:11):
Oh yeah, you can show that looks like it looks
like an avocados.

Speaker 9 (31:15):
That.

Speaker 3 (31:17):
Oh I feel sad for case if you think that's
an avocado.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
No, it looks I thought it was an avocado too. Audience,
if you're just listening, it is green, and the vulvas
I've seen are not green.

Speaker 3 (31:26):
But go ahead, our windows right in front of a
bunch of trees that it's casting a green light on it.
But it's gold. It's meant to be real.

Speaker 1 (31:32):
F Oh, it's a gold Okay, go ahead. When we're
watch you're gonna want to watch this on video, audience,
on YouTube because now we have now we have visual aids.
All right, go.

Speaker 3 (31:43):
Ahead, okay, So the clitterist is this little white nub.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
I've never seen it as a white nub, but that's interesting.

Speaker 3 (31:51):
And have you seen it as this full shape? Oh
my goodness, yeah, so this is actually what the glitterist
looks like so this little tiny nub of skin that
most of us think of as the glitterist, there's just
one small part of the whole thing. It actually splits
off into these two legs. These are called krura and
it sits.

Speaker 2 (32:10):
Is this available at your website?

Speaker 1 (32:13):
I wish it was.

Speaker 3 (32:14):
But I got this from another company. Okay, so when
we're having intercourse, so the glitter as will be back up.
The clitterist is the most sensitive part of the human body,
male or female, any gender.

Speaker 1 (32:27):
Clitterizis.

Speaker 3 (32:29):
Yeah, they're eight to eight to ten thousand nerve endings
in the clitterists. Compare that to two to three thousand
in the penis. So it's way more sensitive.

Speaker 7 (32:38):
Yeah, so when you do it right, it's way better
for a woman. Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry guys, but.

Speaker 1 (32:45):
Wait, can I pause you there? Now, those legs, those
legs that come down, they don't have all those endings.
It's the clittorus itself.

Speaker 3 (32:54):
It's the entire structure.

Speaker 7 (32:55):
But yeah, you'd of the matter, which.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
Is which is great.

Speaker 3 (32:59):
Yeah, they're all throughout the structure. But yeah, the little
nub is particularly sensitive.

Speaker 1 (33:05):
Important.

Speaker 2 (33:06):
Yeah, well, this is why is important. Those the legs
seem pretty far apart compared.

Speaker 3 (33:14):
To so when we're having intercourse, we're actually getting the
vast majority of stimulation is happening in the vagina, and
the vagina compare it to those eight to nine thousand
nerve endings and the glitterists. The vagina does not have
very many nerve endings at all. I keep looking for
a proper scientific tally, and I still have yet to
find one. And if you think about it, it's like

(33:36):
childbirth is already excruciatingly painful. We don't want to have
that area of our body like even more sensitive and
even more filled with nerve endings. So we women during intercourse,
we're getting stimulation of a part of our body that
just biologically is not wired to feel a lot of pleasure.
So intercourse like it can feel good, it feels very intimate,

(33:59):
it's connect it's fun to try out different positions. But
from a nerve ending standpoint, I like to say, it's
like the equivalent of playing with a man's balls. So sure,
for you, that might feel fun, it might be enjoyable,
it might be pleasant, but for ninety nine point ninety
nine percent of men, like it's not going to be
nearly enough stimulation to lead to orgasm. So intercourse for

(34:22):
a woman is really like the equivalent of playing with
a man's balls.

Speaker 1 (34:25):
It's just not anything on a T shirt. I need
that on a T shirt that in the merch shop
for us.

Speaker 7 (34:31):
Yeah, so yeah, I mean the reality is that yeah
when okay, so yeah, when you when you penetrate inside
the vagina, the reality is the legs of the glitterists
do extend around that area, but every woman's anatomy is different.
Sometimes those legs are closer to the vaginal wall. Sometimes
they're further from the vaginal wall. So that's why you can,

(34:54):
you know, you can derive some pleasure from intercourse, but
that pleasure, the amount is really going to depend person
to person, and like you know, it's just an anatomical
reality of how your body, you know, how your body is.

Speaker 2 (35:09):
So so with is with? Is not? It doesn't. I
mean it seems like we're yeah.

Speaker 3 (35:16):
Girls can create a little bit more pressure or yeah,
a little more like stimulation, but it's also like think
about when you have a knot in your back, you
want your partner to like get their thumbs on skin
to skin, right versus think about like you wearing a
wool sweater and a down jacket and a parka and
asking to massage you.

Speaker 10 (35:37):
It's like, it's just that much separation.

Speaker 3 (35:41):
It's hard to like work through.

Speaker 2 (35:43):
When I was a kid, I dry humped in my
jacket and I remember dry humping in my jacket and
my and my pants and my boots and and being
like this, there's nothing going, There's nothing there. You go.

Speaker 3 (35:58):
Face is going, yeah, well we did.

Speaker 2 (36:01):
We were kissing and then we were like, you know,
we would go and we were got to go outside,
but then we decided to kiss and everything and we
were like dry humping, but we would dry humping with
our jackets and boots and pants on. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
But when you were young and still felt fun them
being rolling around, try humping, well yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
Pretty fun.

Speaker 2 (36:20):
Yeah, the excitement was there, but there was nothing like
it was literally like and now to find out that
I'm even further away.

Speaker 1 (36:28):
Right, what you're saying, Vanessa, what you're saying, it seems
to me is it depends on each individual woman's biology
of how thick the wall is from the legs of
the clutorus.

Speaker 3 (36:42):
So I got that right, Yeah, yeah, But again, it's like,
let's imagine there could be different anatomy for men, like
maybe oh, my balls are like closer to the shaft,
and so when you're playing with the balls, like you
sort of can get the shaft. But it's like, the
bottom line is, no, if we want to get a
guy to orgasm, we're going to focus on the penis
Like that just makes the most sense or not, Like, well,

(37:02):
maybe your balls are like kind of close enough that
I can get you know, so we need to do
the same with women. We need to give the clip
the same respect.

Speaker 1 (37:10):
So last time you were on you said ABC.

Speaker 3 (37:15):
Right, always be touching the clip.

Speaker 1 (37:17):
Always be close touching the clip. There's a couple of
missing letters, but always be clary, always always be clip.
So what you mean is that that that you know
Obviously it goes without saying. This isn't for every person,
but a good a good direction to head is that

(37:40):
to find a way to be stimulating the clitoris even
whilst you're having intercourse.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
That's great, stay away from it.

Speaker 3 (37:51):
Yeah I can get more sensitive afterwards, right.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
But happens don't touch the clitoris okay.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
But wait, answer my first finess.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
What I was saying, Yeah, yeah, that is a great
strategy to use, and also making sure you're using your
hands in your mouth like before intercourse as well. I
think we talked last time about like intercourse doesn't have
to be the main event or like the last event
or the last event, you know, we want to give
just as much attention to using hands and mouths to.

Speaker 7 (38:19):
Right and then and and really this gets back to
even the like the conversations about sex is that every
you know, every woman has a different, you know, slightly
different anatomy. Every woman is going to have different preferences
in terms of what type of literal stimulation she likes,
you know, whether it's more direct stimulation, more interact stimulation,

(38:39):
you know, really light, you know, more vigorous and so
vigorous and so, you know, the reality is it's so
important to figure but yeah, it's so important to be
able to have those conversations, you know, when you're first
starting to have sex with someone of hey, what type
of stimulation do you like it? When you know, I

(39:00):
touch your clip while we're having sex, you know, do
you you know, would you prefer to be touching it
so that you're more in control? Like what type you know,
do you want me to be more vigorous. Do you
want me to be more gentle more?

Speaker 1 (39:13):
I get rat I get that the sooner the better
for this in it, But also you don't want to
do it like the first time you're having sex. I
mean I wouldn't well, well, I mean I don't know.
You guys tell me, but it's like, maybe feel.

Speaker 3 (39:26):
Like as many questions, but yeah, I just feel.

Speaker 1 (39:29):
Like I just feel like you should maybe as a
plan in it. Why not because I'm.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Going to do it tonight. I'm just let me tell me.

Speaker 1 (39:36):
No, that's not how it happens. In my experience. You
when you're the first time you have sex, it kind
of happens and it's exciting and it's new and you're
both like kind of obviously turned on by it. I'm
guessing that the first time through is in the most
ideal time to ask all these questions. Maybe maybe the

(39:57):
second time, or tell me I'm wrong. I don't know.

Speaker 3 (40:00):
I think the couple should get used to communicating with
each other right from the beginning, and so I wouldn't
like Pepper somebody with questions of like, Okay, please write
me your manifesto of what you would like me to
do to you to like saying like you can't make it.
You can't on a scale of one to ten, how
vigorous do you want to You can't make it feel
sexy like I'm so excited to see you later tonight,
Like tell me what you want me to do to you,

(40:21):
and then in the moment, I'll give you a really simple,
easy way to do this, like you.

Speaker 1 (40:30):
And white.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
It's great for couples at any stage of a relationship.
But you can try two different techniques and say do
you like it better when I do this to you
or this to you? So you're not like putting them
on the spot, like tell me how to touch your clitterists.
You're you're doing it in the moment and you're incorporating
that communication into the actual activity. And that feels super
hot of.

Speaker 1 (40:51):
Somebody, right, And that's that's the way to write. That's
the way to do it in sort of a sexy
way that is in clinical like you, it's kind of
like the optometrist.

Speaker 3 (40:59):
That's exactly what I call it. Yeah, the I exam
technique easier when you're picking from like between one or
two options, that's a lot easier. I think one of
the big mistakes that men make in the bedroom. They
ask women, Yeah, take notes, Men ask women what do
you want? And a lot of us women totally freeze

(41:22):
up for so many reasons, like, first, it's a big question,
how do I even start to answer that? Like I
feel like I have to write you the twenty page
manifesto of exactly what I want. And then two, a
lot of us women have never explored our own bodies.
So many women have never had an orgasm, they've never masturbated,
and so it's like, well, what am I supposed to
tell you if I don't know? Like, oh no? And

(41:43):
then three, like we also have been so socialized to
be caretakers, caregivers, like put other people's needs and feelings
above our own, So like, I don't want to tell
you something different from what you're doing that maybe it'll
hurt your feelings. So we never recommend asking that question.
It's just too big. Instead like breaking it down into like, yeah,
do you like it this or do you like this better?

(42:05):
That's so much more useful.

Speaker 2 (42:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (42:06):
And then on the on the far other extreme side,
the other mistake that men make is assuming, Okay, I've
had sex with a lot of people, and I think
I know the best way to like give for an orgasm,
Like I know the one way, And the reality is,
like we were talking about with anatomy, every anatomy is different.
There's so there's such a wide range probably a wider

(42:27):
range of preferences for women when it comes to how
they like their clerical stimulation. And so your way that
you think worked for like the last x number of
people that you had sex with, like that is most
likely not going to work for.

Speaker 3 (42:43):
Especially given the seventy seven percent of women say that
they've faked an orgasm. So definitely your moves.

Speaker 2 (42:53):
After this conversation, I say more than that, Zach, Zach, love.

Speaker 1 (42:57):
You all right. Sorry, guys, brief break, someone's trying to
get into the conversation.

Speaker 2 (43:03):
Yeah, bad, bad time.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Women seventy.

Speaker 3 (43:13):
Actually, Donald, I think it's higher than that. I think, oh.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
Yeah, and just want to think.

Speaker 2 (43:18):
I want a lot of the statistics that women are
given are you guys are giving a nice pass and
and and you don't get the full statistic, you know
what I mean? Like that's that's what I'm learning. I
think it's way higher than that. I think the cheating
factor is way higher than then people think. I think

(43:39):
a lot of it. I think a lot of it
is because of you know, the lack of chore play
that goes on right and no, but I'm dead serious.
I think it turns that turns people into when the
conversation doesn't happen that you guys are talking about, and

(44:00):
when the and when the uh, and when actions aren't
taken after a conversation has had I think it leads
to you know, outer marital stuff and and and then
you're in a whole world win. So I think it's
really important to have these conversations, even if you've never
had them before. I think you should have them. Or

(44:23):
you know, your marriage this is for married people, or
your marriage isn't necessarily gonna thrive.

Speaker 1 (44:29):
Is the faking an organism about like I don't want
you to a I want it to be over. I'm
over it, and I don't And you just said, yeah,
that's what it is.

Speaker 3 (44:39):
Yeah, that's that's the most common reason given. But it's
also like I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings.
I know I'm not going to. Maybe I've never had one,
so it just feels like the easier thing to do. Yeah,
but definitely the most common one is just want it
to be over.

Speaker 1 (44:52):
Yeah, I think there's all none of that.

Speaker 7 (44:55):
Sorry, there's also just kind of like almost like faking
by omission as well. Out you know, I think Donald
was getting out. You know, it feels like that number
could even be higher. There's obviously, you know, there's sort
of the faking like putting on an act, like pretending
that it is happening. But then I think there's also
just the the kind of fake faking where like you're

(45:15):
not really you're not putting on an act, but you're
not really like showing that anything is happening one way
or the other. And then afterwards, you know there's the
classic like oh was it good for you? And she's
just like oh yeah, like yeah, that was great, And
you know, I know I've been guilty of that so often.
Like early on in my sex life, like I didn't
know how to ask the women that I was with

(45:38):
like what they liked, how things really were. I had
no idea if I was actually like giving them an
orgasm or not, and I would just kind of like
go for a while and was like, oh, it seems
like they're enjoying it.

Speaker 1 (45:50):
Right, that must have been I think.

Speaker 7 (45:52):
I did a good job.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
I think the aptometrist thing is a really good idea
because it doesn't it takes the pressure off of and
and it feels sexy. It feels like a way to
be almost you know, playing a titillating game in a way.

Speaker 3 (46:08):
Yeah, exactly. That's that's the exact kind of techniques that
we aim for, like things that feel fun and lighthearted.
They don't feel so serious, but they're still very very
effective in the moment.

Speaker 2 (46:18):
Let's take a break.

Speaker 1 (46:19):
We'll be right back after these fine words. Let's talk
about threesomes.

Speaker 2 (46:31):
I've been waiting for this conversation.

Speaker 1 (46:35):
Because I feel like it's a common fantasy. I could
be wrong of couples to have this, Like, oh, wouldn't
that be crazy if we did that one day? Not
all couples, of course, it goes.

Speaker 3 (46:45):
Without saying, but one of the top three sexual fantasy
is it's very common.

Speaker 1 (46:49):
Okay, so, but I feel like it's very hard for people,
even if it's a fantasy, to ever make it. No,
I was gonna say, admit to what I was going
to say to make it happen, because even if they
turn each other on by talking about it, or they
daydream about it, or it's a one day thing. People.
You know, it's kind of hard to execute, right because
how do you choose who that person's going to be?

(47:11):
Can you speak to that a bit? Like let's say
someone's listening to this, they're a couple, it's always been
on there, like fantasy bucket list, but they don't even
know what they probably shouldn't be a friend, it shouldn't
be maybe they don't want to. What do people do?
Who want? Who want to try that?

Speaker 3 (47:25):
Yeah, it's it is really difficult. It's such a common fantasy,
but very difficult to execute because of having to find somebody.
So you have to find someone that not only both
of you are attracted to and feels like a safe
person to have it with, but also that person has
to be attracted to both of you as well, and
everybody has to be on board about wanting to do
the same activities and have you know, certain things beyond

(47:48):
the table or off the table. So it's a pretty
high barrier to entry. I think these days your best
option is like an app, trying to find somebody through
an app, just like really put it out there a
lot of people just hope for that, like that magical
night that things just all come together and it happens.
But that's just super rare that I would say for
the vast majority of couples. It's important to recognize that

(48:12):
we can fantasize about something without necessarily needing or wanting
to do it in real life. So a lot of
couples can get a lot of enjoyment just talking dirty
about a threeeson like, ooh, what would it be like,
what would you want to do? What would it feel
like for you to watch me be with this person?
You know, you can talk dirty about it, roleplay with
it a little bit, and like that might be enough

(48:33):
for a lot of couples.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
I got to say, yeah, sorry, Sander, go ahead.

Speaker 7 (48:37):
I'll just say I think where it can start to
get tricky is when you're transitioning from that fantasizing about
the idea of it into the practicalities, because then you
start thinking about, okay, so like if we actually do this,
assuming we do find the right person, then all right,
like what activities are on and off the table for
each of us? What do we do in the moment

(48:59):
if one of us starts feeling uncomfortable or like that
inherent moment where you notice that the other two people
are more involved with each other and yeah, you're kind of.

Speaker 2 (49:09):
Sitting this is supposed to be guys.

Speaker 1 (49:17):
Checking your Instagram.

Speaker 7 (49:19):
Yeah, so then you know, you start, once you start
getting through to a lot of those logistical things, it
can start to feel like, huh, all right, this doesn't
actually feel as exciting to me anymore now that I'm
getting into the realities of it. I'm not saying that's
a reason to not have it. Like many people are
gonna be like, Okay, cool, Yeah, let's let's talk about
those logistical things, like let's go like I'm good with that.

(49:41):
But I do think that that's where a lot of
people drop off from like being excited about the fantasy
to then actually doing it in real life, because for
a lot of people just starts feeling like more trouble
than it's worth.

Speaker 1 (49:52):
Well, and also it can get you into trouble. I
mean you you may have, like all the things you
just said, you you both might be into it and
you're excited, and then when an actually happens, there's jealousy involved.
There's like you know, you know, I thought we I thought,
we agreed you weren't going to do that, but it
seemed like you were doing that. It could be very complicated.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
It seems also also once the dopamine hits and is
gone and you don't necessarily feel the same way anymore.
I was like, I don't necessarily feel like that was
what I wanted to do. It was fun, but you know,
I mean, I think that's that's the most common thing.
It's like from from for me, I should say once once.

(50:35):
I think that's just for everybody. Once you nut, everybody's like,
all right, that was fun a sandwich?

Speaker 1 (50:45):
Yeah, should we call you an uber? That's what you said.
That's one of the top three of fantasies, Vanessa. What
are some of the others that that couples are are
are excited about and maybe one that's more actionable than
inviting a third person into the room.

Speaker 3 (51:03):
So the top three other ones there are group sex.
They kind of differentiate group sex from threesomes and also
like kinky kinky sex, a little bit of bondage. Bond
that's another highway, and.

Speaker 2 (51:15):
Then is different from threesome.

Speaker 3 (51:18):
And I've seen they categorize it differently orgy. But another
top one that I found so fascinating. Like one of
the most common fantasies for both men and women is
just romantic sex, and I thought that was actually really
sweet that a lot of people fantasize about just having
this like very passionate, emotional like romance with each other,

(51:39):
so that one is very actionable.

Speaker 1 (51:41):
You can those are the married people just dressed up
like fabio and listen.

Speaker 2 (51:48):
That sounds like a married couple with children, because sex
is you try to have sex. As when you do
try to have sex, it's like, all right, the kids
on a round, let's try to get this going right now.
But what you're really wanting is that, oh, I want
to make love to you, darling, I want to kiss.

Speaker 1 (52:03):
You yeah, or have it be like it was back
in the beginning when you were really putting on your
best show.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
M So I think that did show. I like reminding people, like,
you know, a fantasy doesn't need to be something wildly
elaborate or super kinky, Like it's totally okay to fantasize
about just having some passion and romance with your partner.
So if you want to bring back some of that energy,
maybe it's like recreating your first date or just like
having a nice date with each other where you get

(52:33):
dressed up, you like look really nice, put on something
you haven't orn for a while, and just have that
like quality time together.

Speaker 1 (52:40):
Do you guys have your own podcast?

Speaker 3 (52:42):
We do. It's called pillow Talks. It comes out every Thursday.

Speaker 1 (52:45):
Pillow Talk. Everybody check out pillow Talk and remind people
where they can get the guides on all the things.

Speaker 3 (52:53):
They're at vmtherapy dot com And if you want that
one the best starting point the seven week challenge seven days, sorry,
not seven weeks. It's vmtherapy dot com slash best okay, And.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
I assume you also do one on one's private right,
I don't anymore.

Speaker 3 (53:10):
Actually, once we start shielding out the online guides and courses,
they were so popular with people that we decided to,
like really go in that direction. Just makes it a
lot more accessible.

Speaker 2 (53:20):
Now in your business, imagine you get a lot of
creepers too that reach out to you guys and stuff
like that, where I.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Used to when it was just me, But since Xander
joined the business like years ago, they're actually minimal creepers.
But I'm gonna knock on wood, please don't.

Speaker 1 (53:33):
Creep us but I should say, but I should say
for couples that are intrigued by this and maybe having
a session, there are people that will get on zoom
with you and you can hire them to give you
and your partners and coaching.

Speaker 3 (53:46):
Right, yeah, yeah, if you want to do that.

Speaker 1 (53:49):
Okay, vibrators Wait what coaching?

Speaker 2 (53:53):
Like you're watching them and you know Timmy lift the
as well. I don't know.

Speaker 1 (53:58):
I'm sure that exists. But that wasn't what I meant.

Speaker 3 (54:02):
It's not what I would recommend, Joel.

Speaker 2 (54:05):
What did I say? That was so wrong?

Speaker 4 (54:09):
The situation just gave me like horrifying anxiety.

Speaker 1 (54:12):
Like what, I'm sure you can I'm sure, listen, you
can find anything. I'm sure you can find someone to
be like no arch her back, arch her back, but
I wouldn't want that. Vibrators, and I don't mean dildos,

(54:38):
but vibrators, even small ones, they can be of assistance
for patoral, for clatoral stimuli, right, and penis and penis
and balls and anus and all that. Right, we haven't
spoken about that because you you were talking about I
didn't mean to do that. Sorry. We were talking about

(54:58):
making sure to always be close, always be touching the
clit always be clit, Always be clit. What about what
are your thoughts on small vibrators to help with that.

Speaker 3 (55:09):
Vibrators can be really great. I mean there are some
amazing toys these days. I always say with vibrators, like,
you really get what you pay for. So you want
to look for high quality materials, body safe materials like
medical grade silicone, that kind of stuff. So be careful
with the toys that you're buying. But in general, yeah,
they can be great. There are a lot of great

(55:30):
toys that couples can use together that can like flip
between your bodies, wonderful for like long distance couples. There
are some that have bluetooth that you can program and
like use, you know.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Cross distances.

Speaker 3 (55:41):
Yeah. So the big question that always comes up with
vibrators is can you get addicted to them? And the
answer to that is no, you can get it addicted
to a vibrator. But I do encourage people to be
thoughtful about how they want to have their orgasms because
basically the way if the way that you masturbate can
start to create nerdal pathways in our brain that just

(56:02):
make it easier to like continue orgasming in the same
way versus being able to do it in a variety
of ways. So this is for any kind of masturbation.
If you're always using a toy, if you're always using
the same technique, if you're always watching porn, if you're
always thinking about the same fantasy in your mind, like
you just kind of carve these pathways in your brain.
And so with a vibrator in particular, Like one of

(56:23):
the great things about vibrators is how easy they can
make it to orgasm. But also because of that, sometimes
some of us turn into lazy masturbators where it's like
we just like put the toy there, kind of wait
around for it to do its thing. And so you
can just get used to the reality that orgasms of
the vibrator are very quick and you don't have to
do much. There's not much effort involved. So if you

(56:46):
want to have orgasms in other ways, like if you
have your partner touching you, you might start to notice like, ooh,
it's just not feeling as good, it's not as fast.
So if you are happy having all your orgasms of vibrators,
go with it. If you want to have a variety
of orgasms, make sure you kind of mix it up.
Don't use a vibrate or more than like about half
the time.

Speaker 2 (57:05):
Xander Like, and for men, like, what do you recommend
like when other than your hand? Is there something that
is there a toy that men can go out and
get that thera gun?

Speaker 10 (57:21):
Yeah about vigor and you know if you like, if
you like vigorous stimulation, I would absolutely recommend their.

Speaker 3 (57:32):
Gun get sponsored.

Speaker 7 (57:37):
No, there there there are plenty of there are plenty
of options out there for men. I mean there's there
are more like male focused like couple type of toys
like there are you know there there are various cocker
rings that can vibrate or not vibrate.

Speaker 1 (57:52):
Yeah, you know, I think it was in the UK
or somewhere overseas. You know, in the men's bathrooms, they
used to sell like you know, next.

Speaker 3 (57:59):
Little tiny vibrating.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
It would be a cocker like a cockering with a
little vibrating top on it. I couldn't believe there was
for sale in the bathroom. But I didn't buy one,
But I but I always was curious, you didn't, I didn't.
I mean I was curious to see what it would like.
But I can be honest and saying I've never done
the experiment.

Speaker 7 (58:19):
What else is there, Xander, Yeah, I mean that there
are all kinds of there's all kinds of like male
masturbator devices like sleeves and work.

Speaker 2 (58:28):
I feel like those things are like you know.

Speaker 3 (58:32):
We've heard some yeah, some rave reviews.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
Yeah, particularly Donald wants the right down with n't for
men alone. I'm talking about things that men can do
with their partner. I'm not talking about.

Speaker 3 (58:47):
Like, yeah, it's mostly going to be cockerings that have
like a little vibration attachment for her.

Speaker 7 (58:53):
Yeah, because you need to have the penis free for
actual use with the partner.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
And there's no nothing you can do to make it bigger.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
Right you asked this last time.

Speaker 3 (59:04):
I mean not safely and not reliably. When you say
not safely, say so you can find a sketchy doctor
to do some injections, like.

Speaker 1 (59:16):
You know, if you are.

Speaker 3 (59:20):
I will say, like, women truly, like really and truly
do not care about penis size nearly as much as men.

Speaker 1 (59:28):
No, Donald, you need to get over.

Speaker 2 (59:29):
They care about penis girth, girth.

Speaker 3 (59:31):
I will say girth is more important than length.

Speaker 4 (59:34):
But we.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
Women they don't really care, but girth is more important
than length, but.

Speaker 3 (59:41):
Still they care about it a lot less. We actually
hear from far more women saying my partner's penis is
too long or too girthy and it causes me pain
and discomfort where and we hear from far fewer women saying, like,
my partner's penis is too small. I'm like not feeling
enough stimulations. Zacha loves. It's really not nearly as big
of an issue as most people think it is, all.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Right, Joelle's giving us that we have to wrap it
up with you guys. You're such great guess You're so informative.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
I could talk to you guys all day.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
I know I could talk to you.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
I really could, man, I could honestly talk to you
all day.

Speaker 1 (01:00:15):
We have so many questions, but and our audience loves
having you on. So thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (01:00:21):
And my wife does appreciate the fact that I have
backed off quite a bit, and I kind of and
we have had conversations about quality being better than quantity,
and so I really do there's a lot to thank
you for. I was joking when I said, you guys
fucked me. The amount of sex has dropped off. But

(01:00:41):
also I've gotten a little bit more mature in my
thought pattern and where and how we're supposed.

Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
To well, Listen, the most basic thing in all aspects
of relationships is communication. And it sounds like, even though
you might not be getting as much sex as you want,
it sounds like your communication improved at top level. There
you go, hear that.

Speaker 3 (01:01:01):
Yeah, maybe we can come back and do another session
with you guys, because that was so fun when she
came in.

Speaker 2 (01:01:06):
Yeah, that would be awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
Yeah, all right, thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
She's going to come back in again.

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
Especially especially if you're not doing chore play.

Speaker 2 (01:01:14):
Yeah, if I'm not doing the chore play, it didn't.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
Work, all right, thank you? What great guess. I could
have asked them so many more questions.

Speaker 2 (01:01:30):
Don I could have gone on.

Speaker 1 (01:01:32):
I had a lot of other topics and on and on,
and we could pretend that you're the expert, and I
just asked you my questions.

Speaker 2 (01:01:40):
No, because Joel's not going to like my answer.

Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
Joel won't like your answers at all. I can tell.

Speaker 2 (01:01:45):
Joel was like every time I said something, Joel was like, Donald,
You're getting really close to that line, really close to
that line.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
You cannot hit a line with those folks. They'll answer
anything you want. I feel like that's the point. Their
point is finding that line. I know, I think their
whole thing. If I get anything from them, it's like,
just don't just be uncensored with your partner. Obviously, of course,
be respectful and and be tactful and think of the
right time for the conversation. But over and over again,

(01:02:15):
what I seem to give from them is like, you
have to be brave and have these conversations.

Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
Read the room too, Read the room. There's a way
to do it. And the way isn't listen and and
and and don't come from a negative side of things,
even though you might feel like you know that's the
way to go. The proper way is to be complementary
and find other ways. It's almost like it's almost a game,
but you know, sex is a game.

Speaker 1 (01:02:41):
I'm gonna try that eye exam thing when I'm with you. Next,
I'm gonna like, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna
grab your left cheek. I'm gonna be like this, and
then I'm gonna grab your right cheek and I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:02:51):
Like this, and what are you gonna do after that?

Speaker 1 (01:02:53):
And then if you're like both I'm gonna check your temperature.

Speaker 2 (01:02:59):
If we were If we were a couple, you and
I would have no problem communicating about sex.

Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
Right, But I feel like your libido's way more than mine.
I would not want to bang as much as you do.

Speaker 2 (01:03:09):
You'd be getting banged a lot.

Speaker 1 (01:03:10):
I know I wouldn't want it.

Speaker 2 (01:03:12):
We'd have to call some of our friends over.

Speaker 1 (01:03:14):
No amount of chore play you could do.

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
You have to call over our friends and be like, listen,
we're having a white party.

Speaker 1 (01:03:20):
There's no there's no amount of choor play you could
do that would make me want to bang as often
as you'd want to bang. Yeah, my anus would be like, nope,
pucker up. Jesus word, I.

Speaker 2 (01:03:35):
Would make your aus pucker is what you're.

Speaker 1 (01:03:37):
Saying, Like, I just like, like, imagine I just ate
a lemon like this? Yeah, my would we.

Speaker 2 (01:03:44):
Are sounded like red Fox too, your big dummy.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
This will be a that would be Then that'd be
the noise my anus was making. Five six, seven, eight,
Oh my gosh, my.

Speaker 4 (01:04:12):
Worst, they're gonna eat that one up.

Speaker 1 (01:04:13):
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 (01:04:20):
I'm keeping this part of the show.

Speaker 9 (01:04:22):
Here's some stories that show we made about a bunch
of talks and nurses in Canada.

Speaker 6 (01:04:31):
I said, here's a STORYE.

Speaker 2 (01:04:33):
Nettwill should know.

Speaker 9 (01:04:36):
So gada round you here up, gather around you here ups.

Speaker 2 (01:04:41):
But we want stories and no