May 22, 2024 • 53 mins
Can you heal with someone? While you are in love with the person who has caused you trauma or turmoil?
In this conversation, Jay and David discuss their relationship and hopes for therapy. They talk about how they met, what they appreciate about each other, and their desire to improve their communication and support each other's personal growth.
Elliott helps David and Jay reconnect and rediscover the happiness and joy in their relationship. They discuss the importance of expressing happiness and supporting each other, and Elliott encourages them to plan a date where they can focus on enjoying each other's company.
He reminds them of the positive aspects of their relationship and encourages them to nurture those aspects more intentionally.
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You can heal while in the presence of someone if
they are the cause of some of your trauma or turmoil.
In fact, in some cases it's ideal. For example, if
you are in a couple's relationship and the person is
the cause of some of your trauma and difficulty, but
(00:22):
yet they also have a tremendous amount of remorse and
they want to grow and heal, and they're willing to
do healing things to help you get on the other
side of your trauma. Another example is if you have
trauma with a particular parent. Not only can it happen,
but it's ideal because that parent can actually say and
(00:42):
do things to help you heal, and a lot of
the times they're the only ones who can say and
do things to help you heal. So yes, absolutely, you
can heal in the presence of someone who has caused
you harm, trauma, or turmoil, And in fact, there are
lots of opportunities or lots of cases where that is optimal.
(01:13):
Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.
What's been better since you listened to the previous episode?
You'll notice I ask that question in almost every session
beyond the first session, and I'm asking you my audience
that question here because I want to shift your focus
to the things you enjoy about life as opposed to
(01:35):
the things that cause you stress. The purpose of couple's
therapy is for two people to get on the same
page to create healing, progress, growth, whatever sign of positive
in their relationship. And when people should start considering therapy
(01:57):
is when the relationship has become stagnant or unsatisfying to
one of or both members. I mean, a couple's therapies
is really really great to get people on the same page,
working in the same direction to co create the kind
of relationship that they both would experience as satisfying. Today,
we're going to spend time working with Jay and David
(02:20):
as they work together to rediscover the happiness that they
once enjoyed, as they work together to build the kind
of relationship that they would both experience as joyous. Well,
what is up to two of my favorite people? I'm
(02:40):
very excited to get to talk to you guys today,
So what are your very best hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
We actually each other that I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
I'm all open on, open airs, open minded, so let's see.
I always walk away good from the session. So let's
see what happens today.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
What would be the type of thing David that if
it happened, you'd be you'd be pleased with it?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Hmm, I don't know. I got to hear it and
see it first. I don't know, Like I have no
one thing to pinpoint.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Would you know it if it happened?
Speaker 4 (03:25):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Probably more than likely.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
And would you be pleased to have something good come
of this?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
I will okay. So and so somehow are talking led
to something good that'd be a good thing?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yes? Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Okay? Jam?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (03:54):
What are you hoping to to get from talking with
me here today?
Speaker 4 (03:59):
I actually did about this because I was like, I know,
who's gonna ask?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
No, I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
I think a good thing to come out of this
would be for David and I to learn more about
how we can help each other as individuals on different journeys,
different paths, learning more about what that looks like for
(04:33):
each person.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
What what difference would make to you to learn more
about how to help one another? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (04:40):
I think because we are clearly parents, and if we
can help each other, then that means we can be
better for our children. So I think it would make
a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And what different would it make? So I I agree
with you, like that'd be great to make a different
for how we function as parents. What do you think
that would do to how you and David function with
one another?
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Like?
Speaker 1 (05:09):
What differen would that make between your relationship with you
and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Well? I think the difference is the better we are
with each other, the better parents we can be, the
happier we are, the closer we are to living our
best lives, then the better we will be for our children.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Okay, And what do you hope that would do to
the dynamic between you and David? You know what I'm asking?
You know what I mean? Like how that impact the
relationship between you and David?
Speaker 4 (05:46):
I think the impact would be positive. I think I
think that's not necessarily how we have functions. Most recently,
we do help each other, But I think the goal
is more like, how can we help each other so
(06:08):
that we are, you know, creating a household that is functional.
But I think that's different than helping each other as
individuals to be better or to reach our personal goals.
I think it puts us as individuals at the forefront
(06:29):
versus us as parents helping the household.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And what would this do to the way you thought
about the future of you and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (06:40):
Well, I think regardless of whether we live together or not,
we are bonded together forever, as you know, mother and
father to beautiful children. So the better we can assist
each other is just you know, if we're both winning,
then our children are more likely to win.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
And by the way, I don't think I've asked either
of you this, but in your relationship, have you guys
ever ever gone to see a couple's therapists?
Speaker 4 (07:13):
M hm, yep?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
How many times?
Speaker 4 (07:16):
I think we had like one and a half.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Like one and a half sessions.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
The first time we went was twenty and nineteen, and
I don't know, we probably did what four or five
if that, and then we wasn't really feeling her. And
then the second most recent one was only what two sessions?
(07:42):
One session, I don't know, one two. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Well, I'm really excited to talk to the two of you. David,
what's your favorite thing about Jalen? Like, no one's perfect,
so I imagine they're probably thinks about her. You'd hope
she changed or whatever, but like, what is what is
your favorite thing about her? Like the thing about her
you hope she never ever changes.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
She recognizes like the good in you.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
She's very encouraging when you might have some doubt, like
she's not real rob Rock, like you know, it's just
the way she said things in this that like I okay, cool, Yeah.
So I think one of the things is like she
recognizes things in you that you probably won't see in
yourself or you do know, but you're not putting it
to the front foor and she and she'll say that,
(08:37):
and she'll tell you that, and it just the way
she say it, Like I always say, like whatever, no
matter how loud it is or whatever, I can always
hear her talking, like and she won't even be loud,
Like she won't even be loud.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
She'll just be.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Baby or David or something like that, and it's just
like everything else just goes mute and that's the only
voice I hear. So I think that that's one of
the things I really really really really like about I
had a look over time in certain situations and things.
I think that's the one that tops all up and.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Gotcha okay, and Jalen what about you? What's your favorite
thing about David? And again, he's He's very much not perfect,
and I'm sure there are things about him you'd like
to change. But what's the thing about him you enjoy
the most.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is
that he is fun. He can bring kind of humor
and a good time to wherever he is and whoever
he's around. So I can be very serious, So he
(09:47):
knows how to kind of lighten the mood and help
you kind of forget about the things that are stressing
you out and just bring some type of positive energy
and know, just good heartedness.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That's excellent. And how did the two of you meet?
Speaker 4 (10:10):
He stepped on my foot in a club.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
You are not telling me, I am.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
And he wears a size thirteen. So that is the story.
We was at a club. I was with his cousin.
I had just came home from Afghanistan like a month prior,
maybe a little a little over a month prior, and
he was drunk and he stepped on my foot. Yeah,
(10:39):
he was a little he was feeling it. She stepped
on my foot and was very apologetic, and I was
just like, it's all good. You know I'm cool, but
he was very, very apologetic, and he asked to massage
my foot for.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Me right there in the club.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Yeap, yep, and he did. He did it.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
He took the I did.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
I did, of course. He asked me for my phone
number and I said no, and he called his cousin
when we were on our way home and asked to
speak to me and asked me for my number again,
and I said that I would take his number. I
(11:32):
think I took his number, and I wasn't expecting to
contact him, but I wasn't back at work yet. I
was kind of bored. I just came home, so I
ended up texting him and m kind of hit it
off from there.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Can I pause you for a second? Why why would
you say no? When he first said can every phone number?
You said, I said no? How come?
Speaker 4 (12:06):
Because I didn't like that he was like tipsy and
I didn't want to. I don't know, like it was
like our first interaction and you're not even sober, So
do you really want my phone number? Or do you
just you know, just kind of going with the situation.
So that was that, and then also I was kind
of not in the best headspace after my deployment, So
(12:29):
I wasn't really looking to date anybody or anything like that.
So that's pretty much it.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
So then you took his number. You didn't even expect
to use it necessarily, and then you were weren't working
yet board and you texted him and then you said
we hit it off from there? How could you tell
you were hitting it off?
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Well, we talked on the phone a little bit, text
a little bit. He asked to take me out, and
I agreed that he could, that we could meet up
at a park. And when we're at the park, we had,
you know, a really good conversation. And then after the park,
we went to the movies, and then after that we
(13:09):
went out to meat.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Oh yeah, we went to the movie.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
We ate first and then we went to the movie.
So we kind of ended up being together that whole day.
You know, it was a good vibe and the energy
was good, so we just we clicked a little bit.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
David, why why pursue her?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I mean when I saw that night, I mean, Jalen
was very attractive. She's an attractive woman, and I never saw
her before, and it's crazy, like I never knew who
she was. And we both from the same city and
got some of the same friends, and she's good friends
with my cousin. I ain't know who she was, so,
(13:53):
you know, like like she said, I was a little tipsy.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
I think.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
When I first stepped on her foot. When I stepped
on her foot, I was like, I'm just gonna go
for it. Okay, she tell me noa not, I'm just
gonna go for it. And I just went for it,
you know.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And then.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
When she called me, I responded back and we just
had good conversation at the park. So I had to
let her see the sober like I am a smart individual,
I'm a nice guy, and you know I can't be
funny at times, and.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Da da da da da da. And then you know,
we just hit it off from there. That was basically
what it was, David.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
How did you know you were hitting it off? Like,
what were the signs to you hitting me?
Speaker 3 (14:40):
She was smiling, she was being responsive, not giving me
uh like yes, no answers, you know, and not like
if I took a shot or like you know, if
I say, if I said something she had come back
at me and blah blah blah, and then it was
It's good. Was just a good vibe and energy. It
(15:02):
was just good vibing and energy. You know, like when
you're sitting there with.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Somebody, the vibing good.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
They ain't being responsible, like, man, I'm out now.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
I'm good.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
You would have made up something you have absolutely nothing
to do. You would have made up something like I
got to go home, take my dog out for a
walk or something. Yeah, but that wasn't the case, you know. Yeah,
and I don't even have a dog. So after we
I like, I'm gonna be honest with you. When she
(15:29):
said let's me got the park, I was like, what
militant me at the park?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Like I ain't no weirdo. But I took it and
run with it.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
Yeah, because I never had that, like we're gonna meet
at a park, a public place like out in the open.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was like a cool like. I was with it.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I was with it, and the energy and the vibe
was good. We both wasn't doing nothing, you know what
I'm saying. I wasn't working at the time, She wasn't
working at the time, or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
But we was having a good time.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
We definitely was, and we just took it from there.
For you to meet somebody at the park at one
or two o'clock in the afternoon and be with them
until two o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Like something had been going right.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And how long did it take to two of you
to turn this initial meeting where we're vibing and kind
of clicking a little bit, How long did it take
to two of you to turn this into a relationship?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
She threatened my life the day of the not even
the day, the minutes leading up into my cousin's surprise
birthday party.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Your life.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
You're not threaten, she said. Listen, She said, listen, I'm
not going to this party to meet all your family
that you've been talking about.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
And you got a big family, and I ain't your woman.
I said, what you mean, like like you I'm a lady.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Like no, we got to make it official. I'm not playing,
I'm not going. Already told everybody you coming, I'll get
back in the car. So it was that November.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Twentieth, I think it was.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Yeah, my cousin she was surprised all black birthday party,
and that's when she met all my family.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Were you literally like walking into the party Daylen said.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
This, Yeah, we was in the car. She said something
then when we was walking in, She's like, I'm serious.
I was like, oh, okay, now, yeah, so she was serious.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
So we met in August, the end of August, and
then I guess it was official.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
August third, No, we met August third, my brother birthday party.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
August third. Yeah, and then the end like the middle
to the end of November.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
November four, Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Jalen, why would you want to be his partner? Like officially?
Like what was making you want that to be the case?
Speaker 4 (17:55):
Well, because we have been spending a lot of time
together one on one, and it just felt like, Okay,
if I'm going to go meet all these people, I
don't want to meet them as your friend, Like I
think we're a little past the point of being friends.
So you know, let's go ahead and put put a
name on it. This is if this is what you
want to do, Like I don't have to meet them tonight,
(18:16):
but if this is what you want to do, then
you're gonna, you know, put some respect on my name
and call me what I am.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
But also too though, if my family was here, they'll
tell you, I don't bring unless you my lady like
my woman, I don't bring you around my family like that,
but everybody was there, everybody, so.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I knew it in my head. I just had to
say it out loud.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Why were you comfortable? What was it about Jane that
was letting you comfortable to meet all your family?
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Because I did like, like she said, we spent a
lot of time like after that initial interaction and then
after the part, we spent a lot of their time together,
like a lot like the rest of the summer going
into the fall, just hanging out with each other. So
it was I was like, and then one of my
(19:11):
best friends said it like he said, he said, Dave,
because they call me Debo. He was like, Deebo, I
ain't never seen you act like that with no female.
He said, that's gonna be your lady. Watch that's exactly
what he's saying, even knowing me since I was ten
years old. He said, that's gonna be your lady, right, yeah,
because he saw it like over the phone or I
don't know if he saw like the bubbly like you
know what I mean, smiling all the time and things
(19:33):
of that nature, though, but I just felt it. I
just had to say it. I could have said it
in October. Yeah, I ain't have to wait to November. Yeah,
I just felt it. I just felt something about Jay, like, yeah,
this is the one I wanted to be my lady.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Yeah I was.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I was just about to ask you, like, what was
your friend noticing? But then you said like smiling and
bubbly and stuff like that, and just was that unusual
for you?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah, that's unusual. Yeah, especially for him to see it. Like,
and we were just hanging out. He's sitting on his
couch and you know, Jay claw and I got up
and used the phone, that stepped into the kitchen real quick,
and then I came back and that's the first thing
that came out of his mouth. He said, that's gonna
be a lady, watch I tell you. And this fight
(20:19):
was like September, he said, before the money over with,
because he's been hearing like we've been hanging out and
I've been telling him like nah me and jam we
did this, now were about to go do this now.
I was just dang when he was at last night. Now,
I was just chilling with Jay, chilling, was on the porch,
just hanging out. He was like, oh, I right, yeah,
so you know mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Ja, could you tell you were making him happy in
that way back then because he wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Leave me alone. He called me every day.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
How how did it impact you to know you were
having an impact on him in that way?
Speaker 4 (20:59):
I mean we were happy, were you know, always smiling,
having a good time, learning about each other, you know,
our goals and all of that stuff. Like I never
felt like he was not comfortable sharing things with me
and telling me about hisself. And you know, it was
(21:25):
it was, it was. It was positive. He was happy.
He seemed happy at least, And that's how I could tell.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Hmm if you woke up tomorrow and that happiness was back,
how would each of you notice it?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Mm hm hmmm.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
I guess we'd probably be wanting to spend more time together, like,
you know, looking for ways to enjoy each other's time.
You know, I think that would be one way. I
don't think we really do that now. It's kind of
like he does his thing, I do my thing.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Hey, Hey, Jaylen, you just said something like we would
want to spend time together. Is that what you said?
Is that what I heard?
Speaker 4 (22:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Forget David for a second, Like, how would you become
aware that I'm interested in spending time with him?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Like?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
What would you notice about Jay that would tell you
something is changed and I'm interested in spending time with him.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And guess how it would be excited to come up
with things to do with him.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
If you notice that excitement, would you be a lot
surprised or a little surprised.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I'd be pretty surprised.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
You'd be pretty surprised. Okay, what type of things would
you be thinking about wanting to do with David?
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:04):
Maybe maybe go to the gun range, maybe go to
the go work out, like, maybe try out in the
gym or something. I mean, we go to restaurants every
now and then, so that's not really like it's cool,
(23:24):
but it's not like something I get like super excited about.
So maybe I don't know, I guess trying something that's
a little bit out of our norm, like a weekend
trip somewhere.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Where would you where would you be thinking about going
on a weekend trip?
Speaker 4 (23:49):
I saw this, Uh this, I think it was upstate
New York. I can't remember exactly where it was, but
it was like this cabin place in the woods that
had like a hot tub and this beautiful view of
the skyline and the trees and things like that. I
(24:13):
would have to look up the name, but when I
saw it, I was like, man, that looks like a
really cool place to be where it's like, you know,
you can go places anywhere, really, but someplace that allows
you to have less distractions and kind of just focus
on the person you're with, Like that would be cool?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And again, how surprised would you be to be thinking about, Man,
I want to go to a place with David where
I have less distraction just so I can focus on
the person I'm with.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
I mean, it hasn't been a thought recently.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
So would it be a big surprise or a little surprise?
Speaker 4 (24:54):
Say a big one?
Speaker 1 (24:55):
A big one? How would you first let David know
you were having these thoughts? Just David?
Speaker 4 (25:04):
I mean I would just tell him.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Would you call him? Would you text him?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Like?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
How would you first let him know?
Speaker 4 (25:13):
I would text? Yeah, I will probably text David.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
If you introject one more time.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Okay, you said you would text, yes, how would the
text be written or like? How would you make sure
David received the text as this version of you?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
I would just say I'm really excited I found this
place is really cool?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I love to go with you, Okay, David, would you
know that this was like I hate to say, like
the old version of David. Would you know that like
this is the old version.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Well, the old version as far as what like the
excitement like.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
The previous version, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, I think it's Yeah, I'll say yes to that.
But if she likes stuff like that, she like being
out in the nature and you know, beautiful vibes and
like views and stuff like that, So it went in
as far as the place went and shocked me as much,
but it would definitely be you know, I know that's
(26:29):
something an older version of I mean, the previous version.
As far as if I get a text like that,
I'm like, okay, what's going on? And I and knowing
me as soon as she texted me, I was gonna
call anything. I'm gonna call it anyway. I ain't gonna
sit there and text back or if I'm busy, I'm
like cool, that looks dope, and then call it later regardless.
(26:51):
So and then we'll have to talk about it and
see try to make it happen.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
And how would she know that the previous version of
day is calling her?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Like?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
What would she notice that would tell her this is
the like, this is the David I vibe with, This
is the David that I click a little bit with, Like,
how would she know with the previous version of David
is one calling her?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I mean, first you'll have to see changes change in
me first, then she'll know, like is this not gonna
just come to that? It would have to be some
changes done by me?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
And well, I mean that's true, but kind of not true.
Let me give you an example what I mean by that.
M have you ever like just watched your son like
wake up and been like, oh, there's gonna be a
tough day, Like something about the tone or the you
(27:51):
know what I mean, Like something is telling you like
there's gonna be a tough day or a great day.
Like sometimes we can we can notice things because I
can see something in you just in the way you
talking or walking or moving. So I guess my question
would be, how would JE like this is the version
(28:12):
of David that I really enjoy?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I don't know, tough question, I really don't. I don't know.
Maybe if I initiated it or something. I don't know. MM.
I mean I pretty much I walked the same.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
Maybe my attitude would be a little different, smiling a
little bit more.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
I don't want in what way? What what would the
attitude be that Jalen would notice and say this is
the version of him.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
A lot of my attitude now is just as because
of a lot of stuff that's just going on. So
if I know how to channel that and put that
to this side, and just you know, she remained positive
and upbeat.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
I think should should should notice that, you know, the
excitement in my voice or in my face or something
like that. I think that's what she'll notice more first,
in my opinion.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
What difference do you think that would make to her
to see that version of you.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
I think it'll make a big difference. I think, you know,
it brings a little bit.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Of more joy, some more joy that she needs in
her life.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
I think I think it helped jailing out a lot.
If she sees that version of me again, I really
do she deserves it?
Speaker 1 (29:51):
And how how would you know she saw it? What
would be your first clue that she saw it?
Speaker 3 (30:00):
The way she responds, you know, the conversation, the conversation
would be a little different, that would be the first.
Like I'm pretty good at responding the way people respond
back and how they feel in and you know, by
(30:20):
the way they respond I think that'll be the first
tell tale sign and then the response to go into
a conversation and you know.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Man probably hugging the kiss or something.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Would would you be happy that she noticed this version
of you?
Speaker 2 (30:42):
David?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yes, I will, because it would it make me happy,
Like like I said, I said this before too, you know,
like I get joy on seeing happiness jay in my kids' faces,
Like that brings joy to me too. So you know,
if I if I could do something to get that
(31:08):
joy back or do things or change, then you know,
that'll definitely bring a lot of joy to me myself.
To see the joy on her face.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
How would you let her know you were experiencing joy
because it was joy on her face?
Speaker 2 (31:23):
David, I'm I probably. I mean, I don't know if
I would say anything.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
That's usually not like my thing, like you know, but
you know, I think she'll probably notice because she'd deceive me,
like the way I'm just acting and you know, and
upbeat and you know, just involved in detail, like you know,
just paying attention and things of that nature like, I'm
(31:54):
not the one to be like you know what, I
will do it, but that's just not me. Like, you
know what, that's I'm happy that you're happy or something
like that. I don't say that enough. I don't say
that a lot, but It'll been tied when I see
the joy on my jayface and my kids face and
(32:14):
I'm just smiling, ear and ear like you know what
I'm saying, because it's like, that's what's up. I'm glad
they jo I'm glad they're happy and feeling good.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
That makes me feel good.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
So you know, And you said you said you don't
you don't say that enough? Did I catch you say?
Did I hear you?
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Yeah? I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I don't.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Right? Right?
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You think it but it doesn't come out mm hmm.
What do you think it would do to Jaylen to
know that there's this guy in her life that that
really experiences joy when she is happy? What do you
think that would do to her?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I think that will.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Uh probably bring some clarity to some stuff. It would
be something different because I usually don't express stuff like that,
but I think it will make her feel good. That
I'm not just thinking it, that I actually verbally said it.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Jim, how would you respond to hearing him say that
that I bring joy to him? Yeah, that he has
joy just from seeing you happy?
Speaker 4 (33:49):
I was repine, probably surprised.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Would you be pleased about it?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
And how would you said surprised? Would it be a
good surprise? I'm guessing.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
Yeah, I mean it would be just like, oh wow,
I never heard you say that before, so it wasn't
even a thing. I didn't even know it was a thing.
So cool.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
How would you let him know you were happy about it?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
I don't know. I don't even know if I would
be initially happy about it, because I would be surprised
and I would probably question it. Gotcha?
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Really?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Me? Sure?
Speaker 1 (34:46):
So you might be so surprised you'd be like really, yeah,
would you say that to him? Do you think are
you the type of person that might say that to him?
Speaker 4 (34:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Okay, So, Jame, this is a super important question. Even
while surprised, and even though you're saying things to him
like really, how might you communicate to him that I
want this to stay? Like I'm questioning this. I'm not
sure what you're up to or why you're doing it,
(35:19):
but I want this kind of communication to stay. How
would you let him know.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
That I would just tell him.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You would just come out and tell him? And does
that feel like who Jane really is, Like she's the
type of person that would just come out and say that, Yeah, okay.
Another really important question is how would you say that
to him in a way he would hear it as
(35:52):
like you're rooting for him as opposed to criticizing him.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Right?
Speaker 4 (36:00):
I think that would be the challenge is to say
it in a way that he receives it positively, because
I would want him to receive it positively. But if
I'm if I have doubt in my head, it may
not come out that way. So I would want to
try to tellor it in a way that was, you know, thoughtful.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
And how would you do that?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Can you?
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Can you give me an example, like I so appreciate
you would say that, like if I had doubt, it
might come out in a different way, but I might
have to tailor it so it came out thoughtful. How
would how would you do that so he heard this
as like rooting for you, supportive as opposed to like critical.
Speaker 4 (36:44):
I guess I would just say, I'm surprised that you're
saying this, but whatever I can do to keep it coming,
let me know because I like it.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Because I like it, and David, would that be unusual
to hear? Would that be the kind unusual thing to hear? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Yeah from Jay?
Speaker 1 (37:06):
No, No, you would recognize this as like this is
the real.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Jay either way is the real one thing about her.
She's gonna say what she's.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
Gonna say, right, that's one thing she's not gonna She's
gonna say what she gonna say. And if if it
comes off wrong and you let her know, she'll say,
my bad, but I said what I said, right, But
for her to say like, she doesn't have to make
it too complex or whatever. But if she say it
(37:38):
and she's smiling from heir to ear, I know it's
you know, I'm like, all right, okay, I hear you.
I got you, all right, And I won't take it Noway,
Like that's positive right there, right, because she she like it.
She wants me to continue to keep communicating it like that.
So that's that's what I gotta do. Yeah, So I'll
(38:00):
take that. Give behind five a.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Kiss and a hug and.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Would that be unusual for you guys to communicate like this? Yeah, well,
I guess both of you and yes, David, now like
in this current time, would that be unusual if you
guys in this way? Jane, I see you nodded. Would
(38:26):
would you agree that would be unusual?
Speaker 4 (38:28):
M Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Can I tell you why that is such an important
thing you guys just described. When we started this conversation,
I asked you, uh, and you you predicted the question
I would ask you. And I'm kind of mad at
you ever have somebody saying like quick, acting like you know,
somebody like you came in here knowing I was gonna
(38:53):
ask him. That's okay, I'll live with it. But your
answer was we want to like help one another, like
I want to learn how to help another r. Do
you remember saying that?
Speaker 4 (39:04):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (39:05):
And you know who knows what it will do to
the future, what will do to life. But what I
love so much about what you said was like, regardless,
we're kind of bound together because of these kiddos. And
I had never talked to the two of you about
your history. I didn't know how you got together. David
being a former NFL player and step In on her
(39:29):
foot is maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. But
you know, when life happens and we start experiencing problems,
we actually stop exchanging happiness. And when the relationship gets started,
(39:50):
we're very good at exchanging happiness, Like I'll say things like,
you know, and I really liked it when you did X,
Y Z, or I really liked it when you did
A B or C.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Thing like.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
We're very good at exchanging happiness. But when life happens,
you know, you got kids, and you got rent, and
you got a job, and you got taxes and you
got just things to do, we end up talking about
problems way more than we talk about happiness. We end
up talking about priorities like who's gonna take the kids
to such and such appointment? And who's gonna sweep the floor,
(40:22):
and who's gonna you know, we end up talking about
life instead of happiness. And what I really enjoyed about
this conversation today is like David and Jaber two happy, witty,
funny people, And I think when you guys are at
your best, you're exchanging signs of happiness. And I think
(40:43):
more recently, life has happened and we're doing that less
and less. So no matter what happens, like, if we're
gonna be good for each other and good for these children,
you're gonna have to redevelop the habit of exchanging happiness. So, like, David,
(41:03):
I want you to I want you to verbally tell
her because to be honest with you, and Jay didn't
say this, and jaylynff I'm wrong. Feel free to yell
at me, but I'll bet you I'd be willing to
bet you that somewhere along the way Jay forgot whether
or not she's important to you. I would be willing
(41:25):
to bet that somewhere along the way she felt less
of a priority. And when you say things like I
get joy from making you happy, the reason she said
I would doubt it at first is because I think
it would scare her to trust that feeling, because I
(41:46):
think that's something that would really really make her feel good.
Is it okay? If I say all that, Jame does
that does that make sense? Okay? So David, I need
you to remind her that you being happy makes me happy,
like you being happy brings me joy. You being happy
(42:06):
is important to me because I think that's always been true. David,
I want to be clear, I don't think that's never
not been true, but I think I think Jay's brain
and heart haven't heard it, and over the course of time,
(42:26):
she starts wondering is it true? And that becomes a
very hurtful thing. And it's very hard to be in
relationship with someone that you don't think experiences happiness through you.
Does that make sense, David, is that something you think
you could do? And you you know, I've talked to
(42:50):
David a couple of times, and I don't know that
you know how much you matter to this person, and
how much your mood to this person, and how much
when your mood is negative and down and maybe even
justifiably so, like I am not criticizing your mood, but
(43:11):
I am saying you being his supporter and encourager really
matters to him. It lifts him up. I think he's
stronger because of you, and I want you to remember
that because if the two things are true, he likes
it when you're happy and that brings him joy, then
I want you to always let him know when you're
(43:33):
happy so that that can lift him up and drive him.
And now we'll have a relationship where Jayleen and David
are exchanging happiness fluently, and there is no possible way
your relationship won't become stronger when that's happening. What do
you think about that?
Speaker 4 (43:51):
Yeah, I think that's cool, but I feel like, how
do you? How do you do that when there's a
lot of negative things.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
I am so glad you asked that question because I
want you to remember, no person is all good or
all bad. So even while there's a lot of negative
stuff happening, it's my job to see the good and
accentuate it because that's what I want more of. On
(44:21):
David's worst day, he's got some good in the same
way that on David's best day he's got some bad.
Your job is to find the good and accentuate it
because that's what drives him. And we've tried talking about
the negative things long enough. I just want you to
(44:41):
try it this way between now and the next time
we meet and see the difference it makes between the
two of you. Okay, And can I ask you one
more thing? Both of you, one more thing? Because I
need to point this out to you. Do you guys
know how rare it is that you will ask a
(45:03):
person on a first date In this case, David asked
Jayden on a first date, the thing she suggested was
to go to the park. Do you know how rare
it is that you will go to do that and
hit it off? And David said, we spent the whole
day together. Most people, I mean, think about how many
(45:29):
people if I told you got to go sit on
a park bench with this other person, Think about how
many people you'd want to, like choke to get out
of that situation. You guys went to the park, and
then you went to a sushi lounge, and then you
went to a movie. You spent the entire day together.
That's who David and Jane are. Because not everybody can
(45:52):
do that, right, That's a special thing you told me.
When you said it, I was like, what, most people
can't just hang out like that? And then I asked
you I was specific. I said, how long did it
take you guys to turn this into relationship? And you
both said we spent a ton of time together, so
(46:15):
much time together that David's friend who's known him since
was ten, noticed the change in him, like, hey man,
this is gonna be your lady. That's who David and
Jaylen are. I think you have forgotten and I think
negative things have happened, and I think life has happened.
But that's who David and Jaylen are. My job is
(46:38):
to remind you of that, and the best way I
can think to do that is, I want you, guys
to plan a date. I want you to plan to
spend time together doing something that is not at a restaurant.
And during this time you spend together, you're not allowed
(47:00):
to talk about the children, past problems, or anything that's
about adult responsibility. You just have to talk like two
people who enjoy each other's company, company and happiness. Because
I think that has been true since the very first date.
You just forgot And the only way to remind yourselves
(47:22):
of that is to spend time around one another and
not talk about adulthood and children and responsibilities or past problems.
Just remember that who David is in his essence is
someone I actually really like, and who Jaylen is in
her essence is someone I actually really like. I don't
(47:43):
think we've done that enough. Actually, I think we spend
too much time talking about life and problems and difficulties
and frustrations. But there's so much, there's so much clicking
between the two of you. That's not being nurtured, and
I want to help you nurture that. Can I ask
you guys to do that.
Speaker 4 (48:03):
As long as we're not going to a restaurant.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
No restaurant. No restaurant, but Jada, I'm actually more concerned
about gun rangers.
Speaker 4 (48:10):
But oh no, we're both official.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But no restaurant. I want
you to go do something. You guys can just vibe
and click and remember, Oh my gosh, I really like
this person. I just forgot because for so many years
we've we've been dealing with difficulties and talking about difficulties
and expressing frustration. We got to get back to expressing
joy and happiness. Okay, but no restaurant. I'm on board.
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Unless they have dancing, dance or something like that.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Okay, do you both dance, Jayleen, don't don't let them
step on your foot again, though, if you're gonna go
dance with it.
Speaker 4 (48:51):
Yeah, I've learned how to navigate around Google.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
I can't dance, but I will dance.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I can't dance and I won't dance, but okay, I'm
okay with that exception, as long as you guys stay
after the meal to dance.
Speaker 4 (49:06):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
The only exception to a restaurant is if it includes dancing.
Other than that, no restaurant. And I want you to
do this before we meet next time because I need
to ask you some questions about what it's like to
reconnect on who David and Jade actually are.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yes, sir, so before we meet next time next week.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
It doesn't matter to me if it lasts ten minutes
or ten hours. I don't care. Okay, the only.
Speaker 4 (49:35):
Thing he's thinking about is the super bowling. But we
gonna figure it out, thank you, Jay, all.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Right, Yeah, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 1 (49:48):
You know, if I could say a word to Jay
and David or anyone who finds themselves in a relationship
similar to where we met, Jay and I would say
life should be lived. Adulthood is really difficult because we
end up focusing on like tasks, paying bills, child rearing,
(50:11):
going to work, and we forget that like life is
supposed to be lived. There should be fun, excitement, humor.
Things should be happening in life that cause you excitement.
So yes, like you got to heal and difficult and
bad things are going to happen. But the most important
(50:31):
thing in life and certainly in relationships, is making sure
you are living, making sure you are spending time being active,
making sure you are spending time being a whole person
and not just being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood.
(51:00):
If you are in a relationship that is not working,
the first question I want you to ask yourself is
what could you do differently to have an impact on
the satisfaction of that relationship without even including your partner.
For example, if you're in a relationship and you're feeling
very stagnant it's not working, could you ask that partner
(51:22):
out on a date night. Could you do something to
make your partner smile? Could you present them with a gift?
Could you do a chore for them that you know
really matters? Like what action could you take to make
a difference?
Speaker 2 (51:35):
Now?
Speaker 1 (51:35):
If you find yourself showing up and doing those things
often and nothing seems to be creating change and there's
nothing going on differently in the relationship in spite of
your attempts, then that's the first clue or indicator that
the relationship you're in might not be healthy. And I'd
like you to assess that this is not just a
(51:58):
podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.
I actually want you to be inspired. I want you
to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
help but be impacted by the content we consume. So
what I would like for you to do is come
on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey
of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do
(52:21):
that is to just pay attention to the things going
on in your life as a consequence of listening to
this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in
(52:41):
the comments what you're noticing in your life as a
result of listening to this podcast and as a result
of paying attention to these things. I would love to
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
say me a text message to nine seventy two four
(53:02):
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
Quish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
S Bisham.
Speaker 1 (53:16):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
(53:38):
specific concerns or questions you may have.
You can heal while in the presence of someone if
they are the cause of some of your trauma or turmoil.
In fact, in some cases it's ideal. For example, if
you are in a couple's relationship and the person is
the cause of some of your trauma and difficulty, but
(00:22):
yet they also have a tremendous amount of remorse and
they want to grow and heal, and they're willing to
do healing things to help you get on the other
side of your trauma. Another example is if you have
trauma with a particular parent. Not only can it happen,
but it's ideal because that parent can actually say and
(00:42):
do things to help you heal, and a lot of
the times they're the only ones who can say and
do things to help you heal. So yes, absolutely, you
can heal in the presence of someone who has caused
you harm, trauma, or turmoil, And in fact, there are
lots of opportunities or lots of cases where that is optimal.
(01:13):
Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.
What's been better since you listened to the previous episode?
You'll notice I ask that question in almost every session
beyond the first session, and I'm asking you my audience
that question here because I want to shift your focus
to the things you enjoy about life as opposed to
(01:35):
the things that cause you stress. The purpose of couple's
therapy is for two people to get on the same
page to create healing, progress, growth, whatever sign of positive
in their relationship. And when people should start considering therapy
(01:57):
is when the relationship has become stagnant or unsatisfying to
one of or both members. I mean, a couple's therapies
is really really great to get people on the same page,
working in the same direction to co create the kind
of relationship that they both would experience as satisfying. Today,
we're going to spend time working with Jay and David
(02:20):
as they work together to rediscover the happiness that they
once enjoyed, as they work together to build the kind
of relationship that they would both experience as joyous. Well,
what is up to two of my favorite people? I'm
(02:40):
very excited to get to talk to you guys today,
So what are your very best hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
We actually each other that I don't know.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
I'm all open on, open airs, open minded, so let's see.
I always walk away good from the session. So let's
see what happens today.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
What would be the type of thing David that if
it happened, you'd be you'd be pleased with it?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Hmm, I don't know. I got to hear it and
see it first. I don't know, Like I have no
one thing to pinpoint.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Would you know it if it happened?
Speaker 4 (03:25):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Probably more than likely.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
And would you be pleased to have something good come
of this?
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
I will okay. So and so somehow are talking led
to something good that'd be a good thing?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yes? Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Okay? Jam?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
What about you?
Speaker 1 (03:54):
What are you hoping to to get from talking with
me here today?
Speaker 4 (03:59):
I actually did about this because I was like, I know,
who's gonna ask?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
No, I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
I think a good thing to come out of this
would be for David and I to learn more about
how we can help each other as individuals on different journeys,
different paths, learning more about what that looks like for
(04:33):
each person.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
What what difference would make to you to learn more
about how to help one another? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (04:40):
I think because we are clearly parents, and if we
can help each other, then that means we can be
better for our children. So I think it would make
a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And what different would it make? So I I agree
with you, like that'd be great to make a different
for how we function as parents. What do you think
that would do to how you and David function with
one another?
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Like?
Speaker 1 (05:09):
What differen would that make between your relationship with you
and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (05:14):
Well? I think the difference is the better we are
with each other, the better parents we can be, the
happier we are, the closer we are to living our
best lives, then the better we will be for our children.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Okay, And what do you hope that would do to
the dynamic between you and David? You know what I'm asking?
You know what I mean? Like how that impact the
relationship between you and David?
Speaker 4 (05:46):
I think the impact would be positive. I think I
think that's not necessarily how we have functions. Most recently,
we do help each other, But I think the goal
is more like, how can we help each other so
(06:08):
that we are, you know, creating a household that is functional.
But I think that's different than helping each other as
individuals to be better or to reach our personal goals.
I think it puts us as individuals at the forefront
(06:29):
versus us as parents helping the household.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
And what would this do to the way you thought
about the future of you and David? Do you think?
Speaker 4 (06:40):
Well, I think regardless of whether we live together or not,
we are bonded together forever, as you know, mother and
father to beautiful children. So the better we can assist
each other is just you know, if we're both winning,
then our children are more likely to win.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
And by the way, I don't think I've asked either
of you this, but in your relationship, have you guys
ever ever gone to see a couple's therapists?
Speaker 4 (07:13):
M hm, yep?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
How many times?
Speaker 4 (07:16):
I think we had like one and a half.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Like one and a half sessions.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
The first time we went was twenty and nineteen, and
I don't know, we probably did what four or five
if that, and then we wasn't really feeling her. And
then the second most recent one was only what two sessions?
(07:42):
One session, I don't know, one two. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Well, I'm really excited to talk to the two of you. David,
what's your favorite thing about Jalen? Like, no one's perfect,
so I imagine they're probably thinks about her. You'd hope
she changed or whatever, but like, what is what is
your favorite thing about her? Like the thing about her
you hope she never ever changes.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
She recognizes like the good in you.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
She's very encouraging when you might have some doubt, like
she's not real rob Rock, like you know, it's just
the way she said things in this that like I okay, cool, Yeah.
So I think one of the things is like she
recognizes things in you that you probably won't see in
yourself or you do know, but you're not putting it
to the front foor and she and she'll say that,
(08:37):
and she'll tell you that, and it just the way
she say it, Like I always say, like whatever, no
matter how loud it is or whatever, I can always
hear her talking, like and she won't even be loud,
Like she won't even be loud.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
She'll just be.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Baby or David or something like that, and it's just
like everything else just goes mute and that's the only
voice I hear. So I think that that's one of
the things I really really really really like about I
had a look over time in certain situations and things.
I think that's the one that tops all up and.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Gotcha okay, and Jalen what about you? What's your favorite
thing about David? And again, he's He's very much not perfect,
and I'm sure there are things about him you'd like
to change. But what's the thing about him you enjoy
the most.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is
that he is fun. He can bring kind of humor
and a good time to wherever he is and whoever
he's around. So I can be very serious, So he
(09:47):
knows how to kind of lighten the mood and help
you kind of forget about the things that are stressing
you out and just bring some type of positive energy
and know, just good heartedness.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That's excellent. And how did the two of you meet?
Speaker 4 (10:10):
He stepped on my foot in a club.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
You are not telling me, I am.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
And he wears a size thirteen. So that is the story.
We was at a club. I was with his cousin.
I had just came home from Afghanistan like a month prior,
maybe a little a little over a month prior, and
he was drunk and he stepped on my foot. Yeah,
(10:39):
he was a little he was feeling it. She stepped
on my foot and was very apologetic, and I was
just like, it's all good. You know I'm cool, but
he was very, very apologetic, and he asked to massage
my foot for.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Me right there in the club.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Yeap, yep, and he did. He did it.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
He took the I did.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
I did, of course. He asked me for my phone
number and I said no, and he called his cousin
when we were on our way home and asked to
speak to me and asked me for my number again,
and I said that I would take his number. I
(11:32):
think I took his number, and I wasn't expecting to
contact him, but I wasn't back at work yet. I
was kind of bored. I just came home, so I
ended up texting him and m kind of hit it
off from there.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Can I pause you for a second? Why why would
you say no? When he first said can every phone number?
You said, I said no? How come?
Speaker 4 (12:06):
Because I didn't like that he was like tipsy and
I didn't want to. I don't know, like it was
like our first interaction and you're not even sober, So
do you really want my phone number? Or do you
just you know, just kind of going with the situation.
So that was that, and then also I was kind
of not in the best headspace after my deployment, So
(12:29):
I wasn't really looking to date anybody or anything like that.
So that's pretty much it.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
So then you took his number. You didn't even expect
to use it necessarily, and then you were weren't working
yet board and you texted him and then you said
we hit it off from there? How could you tell
you were hitting it off?
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Well, we talked on the phone a little bit, text
a little bit. He asked to take me out, and
I agreed that he could, that we could meet up
at a park. And when we're at the park, we had,
you know, a really good conversation. And then after the park,
we went to the movies, and then after that we
(13:09):
went out to meat.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Oh yeah, we went to the movie.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
We ate first and then we went to the movie.
So we kind of ended up being together that whole day.
You know, it was a good vibe and the energy
was good, so we just we clicked a little bit.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
David, why why pursue her?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I mean when I saw that night, I mean, Jalen
was very attractive. She's an attractive woman, and I never saw
her before, and it's crazy, like I never knew who
she was. And we both from the same city and
got some of the same friends, and she's good friends
with my cousin. I ain't know who she was, so,
(13:53):
you know, like like she said, I was a little tipsy.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
I think.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
When I first stepped on her foot. When I stepped
on her foot, I was like, I'm just gonna go
for it. Okay, she tell me noa not, I'm just
gonna go for it. And I just went for it,
you know.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And then.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
When she called me, I responded back and we just
had good conversation at the park. So I had to
let her see the sober like I am a smart individual,
I'm a nice guy, and you know I can't be
funny at times, and.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Da da da da da da. And then you know,
we just hit it off from there. That was basically
what it was, David.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
How did you know you were hitting it off? Like,
what were the signs to you hitting me?
Speaker 3 (14:40):
She was smiling, she was being responsive, not giving me
uh like yes, no answers, you know, and not like
if I took a shot or like you know, if
I say, if I said something she had come back
at me and blah blah blah, and then it was
It's good. Was just a good vibe and energy. It
(15:02):
was just good vibing and energy. You know, like when
you're sitting there with.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Somebody, the vibing good.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
They ain't being responsible, like, man, I'm out now.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
I'm good.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
You would have made up something you have absolutely nothing
to do. You would have made up something like I
got to go home, take my dog out for a
walk or something. Yeah, but that wasn't the case, you know. Yeah,
and I don't even have a dog. So after we
I like, I'm gonna be honest with you. When she
(15:29):
said let's me got the park, I was like, what
militant me at the park?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Like I ain't no weirdo. But I took it and
run with it.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
Yeah, because I never had that, like we're gonna meet
at a park, a public place like out in the open.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was like a cool like. I was with it.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I was with it, and the energy and the vibe
was good. We both wasn't doing nothing, you know what
I'm saying. I wasn't working at the time, She wasn't
working at the time, or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
But we was having a good time.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
We definitely was, and we just took it from there.
For you to meet somebody at the park at one
or two o'clock in the afternoon and be with them
until two o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Like something had been going right.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And how long did it take to two of you
to turn this initial meeting where we're vibing and kind
of clicking a little bit, How long did it take
to two of you to turn this into a relationship?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
She threatened my life the day of the not even
the day, the minutes leading up into my cousin's surprise
birthday party.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Your life.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
You're not threaten, she said. Listen, She said, listen, I'm
not going to this party to meet all your family
that you've been talking about.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
And you got a big family, and I ain't your woman.
I said, what you mean, like like you I'm a lady.
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Like no, we got to make it official. I'm not playing,
I'm not going. Already told everybody you coming, I'll get
back in the car. So it was that November.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Twentieth, I think it was.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Yeah, my cousin she was surprised all black birthday party,
and that's when she met all my family.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Were you literally like walking into the party Daylen said.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
This, Yeah, we was in the car. She said something
then when we was walking in, She's like, I'm serious.
I was like, oh, okay, now, yeah, so she was serious.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
So we met in August, the end of August, and
then I guess it was official.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
August third, No, we met August third, my brother birthday party.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
August third. Yeah, and then the end like the middle
to the end of November.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
November four, Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Jalen, why would you want to be his partner? Like officially?
Like what was making you want that to be the case?
Speaker 4 (17:55):
Well, because we have been spending a lot of time
together one on one, and it just felt like, Okay,
if I'm going to go meet all these people, I
don't want to meet them as your friend, Like I
think we're a little past the point of being friends.
So you know, let's go ahead and put put a
name on it. This is if this is what you
want to do, Like I don't have to meet them tonight,
(18:16):
but if this is what you want to do, then
you're gonna, you know, put some respect on my name
and call me what I am.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
But also too though, if my family was here, they'll
tell you, I don't bring unless you my lady like
my woman, I don't bring you around my family like that,
but everybody was there, everybody, so.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I knew it in my head. I just had to
say it out loud.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Why were you comfortable? What was it about Jane that
was letting you comfortable to meet all your family?
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Because I did like, like she said, we spent a
lot of time like after that initial interaction and then
after the part, we spent a lot of their time together,
like a lot like the rest of the summer going
into the fall, just hanging out with each other. So
it was I was like, and then one of my
(19:11):
best friends said it like he said, he said, Dave,
because they call me Debo. He was like, Deebo, I
ain't never seen you act like that with no female.
He said, that's gonna be your lady. Watch that's exactly
what he's saying, even knowing me since I was ten
years old. He said, that's gonna be your lady, right, yeah,
because he saw it like over the phone or I
don't know if he saw like the bubbly like you
know what I mean, smiling all the time and things
(19:33):
of that nature, though, but I just felt it. I
just had to say it. I could have said it
in October. Yeah, I ain't have to wait to November. Yeah,
I just felt it. I just felt something about Jay, like, yeah,
this is the one I wanted to be my lady.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
Yeah I was.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I was just about to ask you, like, what was
your friend noticing? But then you said like smiling and
bubbly and stuff like that, and just was that unusual
for you?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah, that's unusual. Yeah, especially for him to see it. Like,
and we were just hanging out. He's sitting on his
couch and you know, Jay claw and I got up
and used the phone, that stepped into the kitchen real quick,
and then I came back and that's the first thing
that came out of his mouth. He said, that's gonna
be a lady, watch I tell you. And this fight
(20:19):
was like September, he said, before the money over with,
because he's been hearing like we've been hanging out and
I've been telling him like nah me and jam we
did this, now were about to go do this now.
I was just dang when he was at last night. Now,
I was just chilling with Jay, chilling, was on the porch,
just hanging out. He was like, oh, I right, yeah,
so you know mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Ja, could you tell you were making him happy in
that way back then because he wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Leave me alone. He called me every day.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
How how did it impact you to know you were
having an impact on him in that way?
Speaker 4 (20:59):
I mean we were happy, were you know, always smiling,
having a good time, learning about each other, you know,
our goals and all of that stuff. Like I never
felt like he was not comfortable sharing things with me
and telling me about hisself. And you know, it was
(21:25):
it was, it was. It was positive. He was happy.
He seemed happy at least, And that's how I could tell.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Hmm if you woke up tomorrow and that happiness was back,
how would each of you notice it?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Mm hm hmmm.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
I guess we'd probably be wanting to spend more time together, like,
you know, looking for ways to enjoy each other's time.
You know, I think that would be one way. I
don't think we really do that now. It's kind of
like he does his thing, I do my thing.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Hey, Hey, Jaylen, you just said something like we would
want to spend time together. Is that what you said?
Is that what I heard?
Speaker 4 (22:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Forget David for a second, Like, how would you become
aware that I'm interested in spending time with him?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Like?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
What would you notice about Jay that would tell you
something is changed and I'm interested in spending time with him.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And guess how it would be excited to come up
with things to do with him.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
If you notice that excitement, would you be a lot
surprised or a little surprised.
Speaker 4 (22:51):
I'd be pretty surprised.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
You'd be pretty surprised. Okay, what type of things would
you be thinking about wanting to do with David?
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:04):
Maybe maybe go to the gun range, maybe go to
the go work out, like, maybe try out in the
gym or something. I mean, we go to restaurants every
now and then, so that's not really like it's cool,
(23:24):
but it's not like something I get like super excited about.
So maybe I don't know, I guess trying something that's
a little bit out of our norm, like a weekend
trip somewhere.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Where would you where would you be thinking about going
on a weekend trip?
Speaker 4 (23:49):
I saw this, Uh this, I think it was upstate
New York. I can't remember exactly where it was, but
it was like this cabin place in the woods that
had like a hot tub and this beautiful view of
the skyline and the trees and things like that. I
(24:13):
would have to look up the name, but when I
saw it, I was like, man, that looks like a
really cool place to be where it's like, you know,
you can go places anywhere, really, but someplace that allows
you to have less distractions and kind of just focus
on the person you're with, Like that would be cool?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And again, how surprised would you be to be thinking about, Man,
I want to go to a place with David where
I have less distraction just so I can focus on
the person I'm with.
Speaker 4 (24:45):
I mean, it hasn't been a thought recently.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
So would it be a big surprise or a little surprise?
Speaker 4 (24:54):
Say a big one?
Speaker 1 (24:55):
A big one? How would you first let David know
you were having these thoughts? Just David?
Speaker 4 (25:04):
I mean I would just tell him.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Would you call him? Would you text him?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Like?
Speaker 1 (25:10):
How would you first let him know?
Speaker 4 (25:13):
I would text? Yeah, I will probably text David.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
If you introject one more time.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Okay, you said you would text, yes, how would the
text be written or like? How would you make sure
David received the text as this version of you?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
I would just say I'm really excited I found this
place is really cool?
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I love to go with you, Okay, David, would you
know that this was like I hate to say, like
the old version of David. Would you know that like
this is the old version.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Well, the old version as far as what like the
excitement like.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
The previous version, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, I think it's Yeah, I'll say yes to that.
But if she likes stuff like that, she like being
out in the nature and you know, beautiful vibes and
like views and stuff like that, So it went in
as far as the place went and shocked me as much,
but it would definitely be you know, I know that's
(26:29):
something an older version of I mean, the previous version.
As far as if I get a text like that,
I'm like, okay, what's going on? And I and knowing
me as soon as she texted me, I was gonna
call anything. I'm gonna call it anyway. I ain't gonna
sit there and text back or if I'm busy, I'm
like cool, that looks dope, and then call it later regardless.
(26:51):
So and then we'll have to talk about it and
see try to make it happen.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
And how would she know that the previous version of
day is calling her?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Like?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
What would she notice that would tell her this is
the like, this is the David I vibe with, This
is the David that I click a little bit with, Like,
how would she know with the previous version of David
is one calling her?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I mean, first you'll have to see changes change in
me first, then she'll know, like is this not gonna
just come to that? It would have to be some
changes done by me?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
And well, I mean that's true, but kind of not true.
Let me give you an example what I mean by that.
M have you ever like just watched your son like
wake up and been like, oh, there's gonna be a
tough day, Like something about the tone or the you
(27:51):
know what I mean, Like something is telling you like
there's gonna be a tough day or a great day.
Like sometimes we can we can notice things because I
can see something in you just in the way you
talking or walking or moving. So I guess my question
would be, how would JE like this is the version
(28:12):
of David that I really enjoy?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
I don't know, tough question, I really don't. I don't know.
Maybe if I initiated it or something. I don't know. MM.
I mean I pretty much I walked the same.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
Maybe my attitude would be a little different, smiling a
little bit more.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
I don't want in what way? What what would the
attitude be that Jalen would notice and say this is
the version of him.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
I mean.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
A lot of my attitude now is just as because
of a lot of stuff that's just going on. So
if I know how to channel that and put that
to this side, and just you know, she remained positive
and upbeat.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I think you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
I think should should should notice that, you know, the
excitement in my voice or in my face or something
like that. I think that's what she'll notice more first,
in my opinion.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
What difference do you think that would make to her
to see that version of you.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
I think it'll make a big difference. I think, you know,
it brings a little bit.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Of more joy, some more joy that she needs in
her life.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
I think I think it helped jailing out a lot.
If she sees that version of me again, I really
do she deserves it?
Speaker 1 (29:51):
And how how would you know she saw it? What
would be your first clue that she saw it?
Speaker 3 (30:00):
The way she responds, you know, the conversation, the conversation
would be a little different, that would be the first.
Like I'm pretty good at responding the way people respond
back and how they feel in and you know, by
(30:20):
the way they respond I think that'll be the first
tell tale sign and then the response to go into
a conversation and you know.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Man probably hugging the kiss or something.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Would would you be happy that she noticed this version
of you?
Speaker 2 (30:42):
David?
Speaker 3 (30:45):
Yes, I will, because it would it make me happy,
Like like I said, I said this before too, you know,
like I get joy on seeing happiness jay in my kids' faces,
Like that brings joy to me too. So you know,
if I if I could do something to get that
(31:08):
joy back or do things or change, then you know,
that'll definitely bring a lot of joy to me myself.
To see the joy on her face.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
How would you let her know you were experiencing joy
because it was joy on her face?
Speaker 2 (31:23):
David, I'm I probably. I mean, I don't know if
I would say anything.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
That's usually not like my thing, like you know, but
you know, I think she'll probably notice because she'd deceive me,
like the way I'm just acting and you know, and
upbeat and you know, just involved in detail, like you know,
just paying attention and things of that nature like, I'm
(31:54):
not the one to be like you know what, I
will do it, but that's just not me. Like, you
know what, that's I'm happy that you're happy or something
like that. I don't say that enough. I don't say
that a lot, but It'll been tied when I see
the joy on my jayface and my kids face and
(32:14):
I'm just smiling, ear and ear like you know what
I'm saying, because it's like, that's what's up. I'm glad
they jo I'm glad they're happy and feeling good.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
That makes me feel good.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
So you know, And you said you said you don't
you don't say that enough? Did I catch you say?
Did I hear you?
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Yeah? I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I don't.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Right? Right?
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You think it but it doesn't come out mm hmm.
What do you think it would do to Jaylen to
know that there's this guy in her life that that
really experiences joy when she is happy? What do you
think that would do to her?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I think that will.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Uh probably bring some clarity to some stuff. It would
be something different because I usually don't express stuff like that,
but I think it will make her feel good. That
I'm not just thinking it, that I actually verbally said it.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Jim, how would you respond to hearing him say that
that I bring joy to him? Yeah, that he has
joy just from seeing you happy?
Speaker 4 (33:49):
I was repine, probably surprised.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
Would you be pleased about it?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
And how would you said surprised? Would it be a
good surprise? I'm guessing.
Speaker 4 (34:11):
Yeah, I mean it would be just like, oh wow,
I never heard you say that before, so it wasn't
even a thing. I didn't even know it was a thing.
So cool.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
How would you let him know you were happy about it?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
I don't know. I don't even know if I would
be initially happy about it, because I would be surprised
and I would probably question it. Gotcha?
Speaker 3 (34:40):
Really?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Me? Sure?
Speaker 1 (34:46):
So you might be so surprised you'd be like really, yeah,
would you say that to him? Do you think are
you the type of person that might say that to him?
Speaker 4 (34:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Okay, So, Jame, this is a super important question. Even
while surprised, and even though you're saying things to him
like really, how might you communicate to him that I
want this to stay? Like I'm questioning this. I'm not
sure what you're up to or why you're doing it,
(35:19):
but I want this kind of communication to stay. How
would you let him know.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
That I would just tell him.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
You would just come out and tell him? And does
that feel like who Jane really is, Like she's the
type of person that would just come out and say that, Yeah, okay.
Another really important question is how would you say that
to him in a way he would hear it as
(35:52):
like you're rooting for him as opposed to criticizing him.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Right?
Speaker 4 (36:00):
I think that would be the challenge is to say
it in a way that he receives it positively, because
I would want him to receive it positively. But if
I'm if I have doubt in my head, it may
not come out that way. So I would want to
try to tellor it in a way that was, you know, thoughtful.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
And how would you do that?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Can you?
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Can you give me an example, like I so appreciate
you would say that, like if I had doubt, it
might come out in a different way, but I might
have to tailor it so it came out thoughtful. How
would how would you do that so he heard this
as like rooting for you, supportive as opposed to like critical.
Speaker 4 (36:44):
I guess I would just say, I'm surprised that you're
saying this, but whatever I can do to keep it coming,
let me know because I like it.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Because I like it, and David, would that be unusual
to hear? Would that be the kind unusual thing to hear? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Yeah from Jay?
Speaker 1 (37:06):
No, No, you would recognize this as like this is
the real.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Jay either way is the real one thing about her.
She's gonna say what she's.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
Gonna say, right, that's one thing she's not gonna She's
gonna say what she gonna say. And if if it
comes off wrong and you let her know, she'll say,
my bad, but I said what I said, right, But
for her to say like, she doesn't have to make
it too complex or whatever. But if she say it
(37:38):
and she's smiling from heir to ear, I know it's
you know, I'm like, all right, okay, I hear you.
I got you, all right, And I won't take it Noway,
Like that's positive right there, right, because she she like it.
She wants me to continue to keep communicating it like that.
So that's that's what I gotta do. Yeah, So I'll
(38:00):
take that. Give behind five a.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Kiss and a hug and.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Would that be unusual for you guys to communicate like this? Yeah, well,
I guess both of you and yes, David, now like
in this current time, would that be unusual if you
guys in this way? Jane, I see you nodded. Would
(38:26):
would you agree that would be unusual?
Speaker 4 (38:28):
M Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Can I tell you why that is such an important
thing you guys just described. When we started this conversation,
I asked you, uh, and you you predicted the question
I would ask you. And I'm kind of mad at
you ever have somebody saying like quick, acting like you know,
somebody like you came in here knowing I was gonna
(38:53):
ask him. That's okay, I'll live with it. But your
answer was we want to like help one another, like
I want to learn how to help another r. Do
you remember saying that?
Speaker 4 (39:04):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (39:05):
And you know who knows what it will do to
the future, what will do to life. But what I
love so much about what you said was like, regardless,
we're kind of bound together because of these kiddos. And
I had never talked to the two of you about
your history. I didn't know how you got together. David
being a former NFL player and step In on her
(39:29):
foot is maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. But
you know, when life happens and we start experiencing problems,
we actually stop exchanging happiness. And when the relationship gets started,
(39:50):
we're very good at exchanging happiness, Like I'll say things like,
you know, and I really liked it when you did X,
Y Z, or I really liked it when you did
A B or C.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Thing like.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
We're very good at exchanging happiness. But when life happens,
you know, you got kids, and you got rent, and
you got a job, and you got taxes and you
got just things to do, we end up talking about
problems way more than we talk about happiness. We end
up talking about priorities like who's gonna take the kids
to such and such appointment? And who's gonna sweep the floor,
(40:22):
and who's gonna you know, we end up talking about
life instead of happiness. And what I really enjoyed about
this conversation today is like David and Jaber two happy, witty,
funny people, And I think when you guys are at
your best, you're exchanging signs of happiness. And I think
(40:43):
more recently, life has happened and we're doing that less
and less. So no matter what happens, like, if we're
gonna be good for each other and good for these children,
you're gonna have to redevelop the habit of exchanging happiness. So, like, David,
(41:03):
I want you to I want you to verbally tell
her because to be honest with you, and Jay didn't
say this, and jaylynff I'm wrong. Feel free to yell
at me, but I'll bet you I'd be willing to
bet you that somewhere along the way Jay forgot whether
or not she's important to you. I would be willing
(41:25):
to bet that somewhere along the way she felt less
of a priority. And when you say things like I
get joy from making you happy, the reason she said
I would doubt it at first is because I think
it would scare her to trust that feeling, because I
(41:46):
think that's something that would really really make her feel good.
Is it okay? If I say all that, Jame does
that does that make sense? Okay? So David, I need
you to remind her that you being happy makes me happy,
like you being happy brings me joy. You being happy
(42:06):
is important to me because I think that's always been true. David,
I want to be clear, I don't think that's never
not been true, but I think I think Jay's brain
and heart haven't heard it, and over the course of time,
(42:26):
she starts wondering is it true? And that becomes a
very hurtful thing. And it's very hard to be in
relationship with someone that you don't think experiences happiness through you.
Does that make sense, David, is that something you think
you could do? And you you know, I've talked to
(42:50):
David a couple of times, and I don't know that
you know how much you matter to this person, and
how much your mood to this person, and how much
when your mood is negative and down and maybe even
justifiably so, like I am not criticizing your mood, but
(43:11):
I am saying you being his supporter and encourager really
matters to him. It lifts him up. I think he's
stronger because of you, and I want you to remember
that because if the two things are true, he likes
it when you're happy and that brings him joy, then
I want you to always let him know when you're
(43:33):
happy so that that can lift him up and drive him.
And now we'll have a relationship where Jayleen and David
are exchanging happiness fluently, and there is no possible way
your relationship won't become stronger when that's happening. What do
you think about that?
Speaker 4 (43:51):
Yeah, I think that's cool, but I feel like, how
do you? How do you do that when there's a
lot of negative things.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
I am so glad you asked that question because I
want you to remember, no person is all good or
all bad. So even while there's a lot of negative
stuff happening, it's my job to see the good and
accentuate it because that's what I want more of. On
(44:21):
David's worst day, he's got some good in the same
way that on David's best day he's got some bad.
Your job is to find the good and accentuate it
because that's what drives him. And we've tried talking about
the negative things long enough. I just want you to
(44:41):
try it this way between now and the next time
we meet and see the difference it makes between the
two of you. Okay, And can I ask you one
more thing? Both of you, one more thing? Because I
need to point this out to you. Do you guys
know how rare it is that you will ask a
(45:03):
person on a first date In this case, David asked
Jayden on a first date, the thing she suggested was
to go to the park. Do you know how rare
it is that you will go to do that and
hit it off? And David said, we spent the whole
day together. Most people, I mean, think about how many
(45:29):
people if I told you got to go sit on
a park bench with this other person, Think about how
many people you'd want to, like choke to get out
of that situation. You guys went to the park, and
then you went to a sushi lounge, and then you
went to a movie. You spent the entire day together.
That's who David and Jane are. Because not everybody can
(45:52):
do that, right, That's a special thing you told me.
When you said it, I was like, what, most people
can't just hang out like that? And then I asked
you I was specific. I said, how long did it
take you guys to turn this into relationship? And you
both said we spent a ton of time together, so
(46:15):
much time together that David's friend who's known him since
was ten, noticed the change in him, like, hey man,
this is gonna be your lady. That's who David and
Jaylen are. I think you have forgotten and I think
negative things have happened, and I think life has happened.
But that's who David and Jaylen are. My job is
(46:38):
to remind you of that, and the best way I
can think to do that is, I want you, guys
to plan a date. I want you to plan to
spend time together doing something that is not at a restaurant.
And during this time you spend together, you're not allowed
(47:00):
to talk about the children, past problems, or anything that's
about adult responsibility. You just have to talk like two
people who enjoy each other's company, company and happiness. Because
I think that has been true since the very first date.
You just forgot And the only way to remind yourselves
(47:22):
of that is to spend time around one another and
not talk about adulthood and children and responsibilities or past problems.
Just remember that who David is in his essence is
someone I actually really like, and who Jaylen is in
her essence is someone I actually really like. I don't
(47:43):
think we've done that enough. Actually, I think we spend
too much time talking about life and problems and difficulties
and frustrations. But there's so much, there's so much clicking
between the two of you. That's not being nurtured, and
I want to help you nurture that. Can I ask
you guys to do that.
Speaker 4 (48:03):
As long as we're not going to a restaurant.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
No restaurant. No restaurant, but Jada, I'm actually more concerned
about gun rangers.
Speaker 4 (48:10):
But oh no, we're both official.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But no restaurant. I want
you to go do something. You guys can just vibe
and click and remember, Oh my gosh, I really like
this person. I just forgot because for so many years
we've we've been dealing with difficulties and talking about difficulties
and expressing frustration. We got to get back to expressing
joy and happiness. Okay, but no restaurant. I'm on board.
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Unless they have dancing, dance or something like that.
Speaker 1 (48:44):
Okay, do you both dance, Jayleen, don't don't let them
step on your foot again, though, if you're gonna go
dance with it.
Speaker 4 (48:51):
Yeah, I've learned how to navigate around Google.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
I can't dance, but I will dance.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I can't dance and I won't dance, but okay, I'm
okay with that exception, as long as you guys stay
after the meal to dance.
Speaker 4 (49:06):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
The only exception to a restaurant is if it includes dancing.
Other than that, no restaurant. And I want you to
do this before we meet next time because I need
to ask you some questions about what it's like to
reconnect on who David and Jade actually are.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yes, sir, so before we meet next time next week.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
It doesn't matter to me if it lasts ten minutes
or ten hours. I don't care. Okay, the only.
Speaker 4 (49:35):
Thing he's thinking about is the super bowling. But we
gonna figure it out, thank you, Jay, all.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Right, Yeah, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 1 (49:48):
You know, if I could say a word to Jay
and David or anyone who finds themselves in a relationship
similar to where we met, Jay and I would say
life should be lived. Adulthood is really difficult because we
end up focusing on like tasks, paying bills, child rearing,
(50:11):
going to work, and we forget that like life is
supposed to be lived. There should be fun, excitement, humor.
Things should be happening in life that cause you excitement.
So yes, like you got to heal and difficult and
bad things are going to happen. But the most important
(50:31):
thing in life and certainly in relationships, is making sure
you are living, making sure you are spending time being active,
making sure you are spending time being a whole person
and not just being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood.
(51:00):
If you are in a relationship that is not working,
the first question I want you to ask yourself is
what could you do differently to have an impact on
the satisfaction of that relationship without even including your partner.
For example, if you're in a relationship and you're feeling
very stagnant it's not working, could you ask that partner
(51:22):
out on a date night. Could you do something to
make your partner smile? Could you present them with a gift?
Could you do a chore for them that you know
really matters? Like what action could you take to make
a difference?
Speaker 2 (51:35):
Now?
Speaker 1 (51:35):
If you find yourself showing up and doing those things
often and nothing seems to be creating change and there's
nothing going on differently in the relationship in spite of
your attempts, then that's the first clue or indicator that
the relationship you're in might not be healthy. And I'd
like you to assess that this is not just a
(51:58):
podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.
I actually want you to be inspired. I want you
to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
help but be impacted by the content we consume. So
what I would like for you to do is come
on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey
of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do
(52:21):
that is to just pay attention to the things going
on in your life as a consequence of listening to
this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in
(52:41):
the comments what you're noticing in your life as a
result of listening to this podcast and as a result
of paying attention to these things. I would love to
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
say me a text message to nine seventy two four
(53:02):
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
Quish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
S Bisham.
Speaker 1 (53:16):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
(53:38):
specific concerns or questions you may have.
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