August 14, 2024 • 25 mins
In this bonus episode of Family Therapy, host Elliott Connie guides listeners through a series of questions to help them adopt a new way of thinking and create the life they want. He emphasizes the importance of focusing on the things in life that are improving and shifting from asking unproductive questions to asking useful ones. Connie shares examples of how asking positive 'what if' questions can lead to action and increased hope. He also discusses the significance of being outcome-led, making small intentional changes, and discovering one's purpose. The episode encourages listeners to pay attention to the positive shifts in their lives.
Thank you for listening to Season One of Family Therapy.
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
Pre-Order: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.
During this season, you've heard me ask the same question
at the top of each and every episode, which is
what has been better since you listened to the previous episode.
This is an important question. It's important in my work.
I ask all of my clients when they come back
(00:21):
to therapy what has been better since the last time
we talked? Because it's very important that you shift your
focus to the things in your life that are improving,
and all of us have them. No one's life is
all good nor all bad. So we have to learn
to attend to the good parts of life, the parts
of life that we experience as more pleasing and desirable
than others, and focus on them. And that's what this
(00:44):
question is designed to do. But today is a very
special episode because I will be guiding you through a
series of questions. So if you could please grab a
pen and paper so you can write down your thoughts,
or just find a quiet area where you'll be able
to listen uninterrupted. Most of us, by default, we have
(01:15):
a tendency to ask ourselves questions that aren't necessarily useful
when troubling things happen. For example, if you have something
bad happen, like getting fired from your job, we ask
ourselves why did this happen? If you have a breakup
in a relationship, we ask ourselves, why does this always
(01:35):
happen to me? What is wrong with me? How can
I keep finding myself in this situation? Those kinds of
questions don't lead us to productive responses. A productive response
is a kind of response that leads towards action, increased hope,
and things you can control. I was watching a video
(01:56):
recently of a former Navy seal. He's now an author
and social media influencer by the name of David Goggins,
and somebody asked him when he is thinking about quitting,
what does he do? He's an ultra marathon or so
(02:16):
he puts his body through remarkable physical tasks. And they
asked him, when you're thinking about quitning, what do you do?
And he shared, you know, when I'm on a hundred
mile run, there are times I think about quitting or stopping.
And he said, I asked myself what if? And I
(02:38):
was so intrigued by that response because a lot of
people ask themselves what if in a negative way, But
David Goggins asks himself, what if, in a positive way,
what if I don't quit? What if I crossed the
finish line? What if I finished this race? And he said,
the answer to that question causes him to take one
(02:59):
more step and keep going, and keep going and keep going.
That's an example of how you can train your brain
to ask useful questions when you're facing a hard circumstance.
The beautiful thing about this is all of us can
do this, and when we do this, it will drastically
(03:20):
increase what you're able to get out of life. And
that really is what my work is all about. The
first kind of question I want to ask you is
really all about you learning to adopt a new way
of thinking. Before I share the kind of questions that
you need to be asking yourself, I first want to
point out why this is important. As I said a
(03:44):
minute ago, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions
that aren't useful. Those kind of questions are investigative of
the problem, but we don't realize that when you investigate
the problem, all you learned about is the problem and
we become experts on the problem, but that does nothing
(04:08):
for your solution. For example, I'll use a personal example,
I am currently on a fitness journey. I want to
take my health more seriously. I want to get my
weight under control. I want to get some health markers addressed. Now,
if I were to ask myself questions like how did
(04:29):
I get so far out of shape, I'm just going
to learn about the problem. But if I can shift
my thinking towards how will I get into shape? Then
I learn about the solution. Then I learned about the
actions that I can control. I can't control what happened
to get me to the circumstance, but I can absolutely
(04:51):
control what happens next. So the first thing you have
to do when you're adopting a new way of thinking
is to first ask yourself the kind of questions that
help you identify what you would like your future to
look like. And it sounds like what are my best
(05:11):
hopes for my life? This will trigger you to dream
and imagine and do all of the things that is
beautiful about life. Adulthood is an anti dream experience. When
you're a kid, your imagination is powerful and runs wild.
(05:35):
You go outside, you play with your friends, and you
pretend to be famous athletes, or you pretend to be
you know whatever game you're playing. I remember me and
my friends used to pretend we were in the military.
We were pretending that we were rambow. We would pretend
that we were famous baseball players. And in a way,
you're dreaming of a future where those things are your reality.
(05:58):
But in adulthood, reality sets in and we stop dreaming.
But I think it's really important that you continue the
ability to dream. So I want you to ask yourself,
what are my best hopes for my life? What is
(06:42):
the version of me that is in line with me
functioning at my very.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Best to.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I firmly believe in the power of envisioning and focusing
on the life you desire, rather than dwelling on past
obstacles or setbacks. This question is seemingly simple. What do
you want? It doesn't need to be complicated. It could
be as straightforward as securing your favorite seat at your
(08:25):
neighborhood cafe, or something grander like driving the car of
your dreams. What do you want? Take a moment to
truly envision yourself achieving that desire, Allow yourself to fully
experience the emotions that come with having it. Feel the joy,
the excitement, and the satisfaction of obtaining what you desire us.
(11:00):
These questions help you create the life you want to live.
These questions help you dream about the life you want
to live, and they shift your thinking from problem to actions.
(11:24):
The next kind of question I want to talk to
you about is being outcome led. Now, a lot of
us are led by problems and fears, but I want
you to be led by your outcome. I want you
to be led by your dreams. I want you to
make decisions based upon who you want to be and
(11:49):
the kind of life you want to live. If there's
one lesson I've learned more than any other in my
years of practicing as a psychotherapist, it's that the people
who focus on being led by their outcomes are the
ones who get the most out of life. Using myself
(12:09):
as an example, the outcome I want to achieve is
increase physical fitness, so that will influence the choices I
make throughout the day, what things I eat, what time
I eat them, my sleep pattern, my exercise pattern. And
I'll be honest with you, I don't want to do
(12:31):
any of it. I would much rather eat whatever I want,
whenever I want, and not go to the gym. And
do you know large amounts of cardio and lift weights.
I do it because it's significantly in line with what
I'm trying to create. This will trigger your discipline, and
(12:55):
discipline is more important than motivation because motive wanes, right,
motivation wanes, so on the day when you go see
your doctor and the doctor tells you there are all
these signs present that let me know as a doctor
that you're at risk of having a heart attack or
a stroke. When you walk out of the doctor's office,
(13:16):
you're so loaded with fear and angst. You're highly motivated.
But after a few days that motivation wanes and people
go right back to their old behavior. This is a
time and time and time tested thing. But discipline means
I'm going to do the activity even while I'm not motivated.
(13:37):
I'm going to do the activity even when I don't
want to. I'm going to do the activity because the
activity needs to be done in order for me to
achieve my aim. I went to the gym last night
and worked out, not because I wanted to, but because
I had to in order to stay in line with
(14:00):
the aim I'm trying to achieve with the outcome I'm
trying to achieve when you focus on an outcome, you
trigger your discipline, and the best way to do it
is to pay attention to what signs are present that
lets you know you're living your life based on your outcome.
(14:21):
How would you notice those signs being present? How would
your best friend notice? How would your spouse or partner notice?
How would your children notice? When you live your life
based on an outcome, people see it. They see you
living differently, talking differently, eating differently, exercising differently. They see it,
(14:42):
and those are the kind of questions that will help
you to do it. So I want to ask you
to ask yourself, what would I notice as I started
to live my life based upon the outcomes that I
want to achieve? It is in inan what sacrifices are
(16:15):
needed to create the changes that will lead to the
life I want. It's important that these sacrifices aren't overwhelming
or drastic. Think of them as manageable adjustments. Consider this,
what is the first step? Identify that initial achievable step
(16:37):
towards your goal. It's about making small, intentional changes that
build momentum and set you on the path to the
life you envision. What is your first step? Now, I
(17:53):
want to ask you about discovering your purpose. You know,
another really important lesson and that I've learned in my
years of practicing as a psychotherapist is people who live
in their purpose also tend to get the most out
of life. You know, if you live your life without intentionality,
(18:18):
life kind of happens to you before you know it.
You went to college and majored in something that your
parents told you to major in. You got a job
that you didn't really want just because everybody told you
it was safe. But you've got to live your life
based upon what your purpose is. And there's one simple
question that will help you discover what your purpose is,
(18:40):
and that is what am I really excited to do today?
And I don't mean like an action necessarily, but I
mean that thing that literally sets your spirit on fire
with enthusiasm. If you want to discover your purpose, you
(19:03):
have to follow your enthusiasm because your enthusiasm will always
lead you to what your purpose is. Enthusiasm can't be faked,
it can't be pretended. Your enthusiasm will always guide you
to what things you are purposeful about. They will always
guide you to what things you are built to do.
(19:26):
They will always guide you to your purpose for life.
Your enthusiasm matters, So ask yourself what am I duced
about doing today? I learned early on when I was
in a really dark, difficult place in my life. I
was a marine biology major in college, and I realized
(19:47):
I'm not living a life that's producing joy or happiness,
and I needed to do something about that. And I
asked myself, what do I want to to do with
my life? And I had come from such a difficult place.
I wanted to spend my life in service. I had
(20:09):
enthusiasm about trying to help people overcome the kind of
challenges I'd been faced with. And when I realized that
was my enthusiasm, I thought about how do I do that.
I immediately went and switched my major from marine biology
to psychology, and that put me on the paths of
becoming a psychotherapist. And I've been enthused every day since. Now.
(20:33):
It's not to say every single day was easy, because
that's certainly not the case, but it is to say
every single day I woke up with my purpose. And
if there was one gift I could give every single
person on earth, it would be a gift of their purpose.
So ask yourself every day, what am I enthused to
(20:55):
do with my life today and that will always lead
you to your purpose. Such this is not just a
(23:17):
podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.
I actually want you to be inspired. I want you
to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
help but be impacted by the content we consume. So
what I would like for you to do is come
on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey
of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do
(23:40):
that is to just pay attention to the things going
on in your life as a consequence of listening to
this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in
(24:01):
the comments what you're noticing in your life as a
result of listening to this podcast and as a result
of paying attention to these things. I would love to
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
(24:21):
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by Jack
Queish Thomas and the executive producer, Dolly S. Fisherm For
more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the iHeartRadio app
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content
(24:43):
presented on the Family Therapy podcast serve solely for educational
and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement
for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not
constitute a provider aatent relationship. It is advisable to consult
with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific
concerns or questions you may have.
Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie.
During this season, you've heard me ask the same question
at the top of each and every episode, which is
what has been better since you listened to the previous episode.
This is an important question. It's important in my work.
I ask all of my clients when they come back
(00:21):
to therapy what has been better since the last time
we talked? Because it's very important that you shift your
focus to the things in your life that are improving,
and all of us have them. No one's life is
all good nor all bad. So we have to learn
to attend to the good parts of life, the parts
of life that we experience as more pleasing and desirable
than others, and focus on them. And that's what this
(00:44):
question is designed to do. But today is a very
special episode because I will be guiding you through a
series of questions. So if you could please grab a
pen and paper so you can write down your thoughts,
or just find a quiet area where you'll be able
to listen uninterrupted. Most of us, by default, we have
(01:15):
a tendency to ask ourselves questions that aren't necessarily useful
when troubling things happen. For example, if you have something
bad happen, like getting fired from your job, we ask
ourselves why did this happen? If you have a breakup
in a relationship, we ask ourselves, why does this always
(01:35):
happen to me? What is wrong with me? How can
I keep finding myself in this situation? Those kinds of
questions don't lead us to productive responses. A productive response
is a kind of response that leads towards action, increased hope,
and things you can control. I was watching a video
(01:56):
recently of a former Navy seal. He's now an author
and social media influencer by the name of David Goggins,
and somebody asked him when he is thinking about quitting,
what does he do? He's an ultra marathon or so
(02:16):
he puts his body through remarkable physical tasks. And they
asked him, when you're thinking about quitning, what do you do?
And he shared, you know, when I'm on a hundred
mile run, there are times I think about quitting or stopping.
And he said, I asked myself what if? And I
(02:38):
was so intrigued by that response because a lot of
people ask themselves what if in a negative way, But
David Goggins asks himself, what if, in a positive way,
what if I don't quit? What if I crossed the
finish line? What if I finished this race? And he said,
the answer to that question causes him to take one
(02:59):
more step and keep going, and keep going and keep going.
That's an example of how you can train your brain
to ask useful questions when you're facing a hard circumstance.
The beautiful thing about this is all of us can
do this, and when we do this, it will drastically
(03:20):
increase what you're able to get out of life. And
that really is what my work is all about. The
first kind of question I want to ask you is
really all about you learning to adopt a new way
of thinking. Before I share the kind of questions that
you need to be asking yourself, I first want to
point out why this is important. As I said a
(03:44):
minute ago, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions
that aren't useful. Those kind of questions are investigative of
the problem, but we don't realize that when you investigate
the problem, all you learned about is the problem and
we become experts on the problem, but that does nothing
(04:08):
for your solution. For example, I'll use a personal example,
I am currently on a fitness journey. I want to
take my health more seriously. I want to get my
weight under control. I want to get some health markers addressed. Now,
if I were to ask myself questions like how did
(04:29):
I get so far out of shape, I'm just going
to learn about the problem. But if I can shift
my thinking towards how will I get into shape? Then
I learn about the solution. Then I learned about the
actions that I can control. I can't control what happened
to get me to the circumstance, but I can absolutely
(04:51):
control what happens next. So the first thing you have
to do when you're adopting a new way of thinking
is to first ask yourself the kind of questions that
help you identify what you would like your future to
look like. And it sounds like what are my best
(05:11):
hopes for my life? This will trigger you to dream
and imagine and do all of the things that is
beautiful about life. Adulthood is an anti dream experience. When
you're a kid, your imagination is powerful and runs wild.
(05:35):
You go outside, you play with your friends, and you
pretend to be famous athletes, or you pretend to be
you know whatever game you're playing. I remember me and
my friends used to pretend we were in the military.
We were pretending that we were rambow. We would pretend
that we were famous baseball players. And in a way,
you're dreaming of a future where those things are your reality.
(05:58):
But in adulthood, reality sets in and we stop dreaming.
But I think it's really important that you continue the
ability to dream. So I want you to ask yourself,
what are my best hopes for my life? What is
(06:42):
the version of me that is in line with me
functioning at my very.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Best to.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I firmly believe in the power of envisioning and focusing
on the life you desire, rather than dwelling on past
obstacles or setbacks. This question is seemingly simple. What do
you want? It doesn't need to be complicated. It could
be as straightforward as securing your favorite seat at your
(08:25):
neighborhood cafe, or something grander like driving the car of
your dreams. What do you want? Take a moment to
truly envision yourself achieving that desire, Allow yourself to fully
experience the emotions that come with having it. Feel the joy,
the excitement, and the satisfaction of obtaining what you desire us.
(11:00):
These questions help you create the life you want to live.
These questions help you dream about the life you want
to live, and they shift your thinking from problem to actions.
(11:24):
The next kind of question I want to talk to
you about is being outcome led. Now, a lot of
us are led by problems and fears, but I want
you to be led by your outcome. I want you
to be led by your dreams. I want you to
make decisions based upon who you want to be and
(11:49):
the kind of life you want to live. If there's
one lesson I've learned more than any other in my
years of practicing as a psychotherapist, it's that the people
who focus on being led by their outcomes are the
ones who get the most out of life. Using myself
(12:09):
as an example, the outcome I want to achieve is
increase physical fitness, so that will influence the choices I
make throughout the day, what things I eat, what time
I eat them, my sleep pattern, my exercise pattern. And
I'll be honest with you, I don't want to do
(12:31):
any of it. I would much rather eat whatever I want,
whenever I want, and not go to the gym. And
do you know large amounts of cardio and lift weights.
I do it because it's significantly in line with what
I'm trying to create. This will trigger your discipline, and
(12:55):
discipline is more important than motivation because motive wanes, right,
motivation wanes, so on the day when you go see
your doctor and the doctor tells you there are all
these signs present that let me know as a doctor
that you're at risk of having a heart attack or
a stroke. When you walk out of the doctor's office,
(13:16):
you're so loaded with fear and angst. You're highly motivated.
But after a few days that motivation wanes and people
go right back to their old behavior. This is a
time and time and time tested thing. But discipline means
I'm going to do the activity even while I'm not motivated.
(13:37):
I'm going to do the activity even when I don't
want to. I'm going to do the activity because the
activity needs to be done in order for me to
achieve my aim. I went to the gym last night
and worked out, not because I wanted to, but because
I had to in order to stay in line with
(14:00):
the aim I'm trying to achieve with the outcome I'm
trying to achieve when you focus on an outcome, you
trigger your discipline, and the best way to do it
is to pay attention to what signs are present that
lets you know you're living your life based on your outcome.
(14:21):
How would you notice those signs being present? How would
your best friend notice? How would your spouse or partner notice?
How would your children notice? When you live your life
based on an outcome, people see it. They see you
living differently, talking differently, eating differently, exercising differently. They see it,
(14:42):
and those are the kind of questions that will help
you to do it. So I want to ask you
to ask yourself, what would I notice as I started
to live my life based upon the outcomes that I
want to achieve? It is in inan what sacrifices are
(16:15):
needed to create the changes that will lead to the
life I want. It's important that these sacrifices aren't overwhelming
or drastic. Think of them as manageable adjustments. Consider this,
what is the first step? Identify that initial achievable step
(16:37):
towards your goal. It's about making small, intentional changes that
build momentum and set you on the path to the
life you envision. What is your first step? Now, I
(17:53):
want to ask you about discovering your purpose. You know,
another really important lesson and that I've learned in my
years of practicing as a psychotherapist is people who live
in their purpose also tend to get the most out
of life. You know, if you live your life without intentionality,
(18:18):
life kind of happens to you before you know it.
You went to college and majored in something that your
parents told you to major in. You got a job
that you didn't really want just because everybody told you
it was safe. But you've got to live your life
based upon what your purpose is. And there's one simple
question that will help you discover what your purpose is,
(18:40):
and that is what am I really excited to do today?
And I don't mean like an action necessarily, but I
mean that thing that literally sets your spirit on fire
with enthusiasm. If you want to discover your purpose, you
(19:03):
have to follow your enthusiasm because your enthusiasm will always
lead you to what your purpose is. Enthusiasm can't be faked,
it can't be pretended. Your enthusiasm will always guide you
to what things you are purposeful about. They will always
guide you to what things you are built to do.
(19:26):
They will always guide you to your purpose for life.
Your enthusiasm matters, So ask yourself what am I duced
about doing today? I learned early on when I was
in a really dark, difficult place in my life. I
was a marine biology major in college, and I realized
(19:47):
I'm not living a life that's producing joy or happiness,
and I needed to do something about that. And I
asked myself, what do I want to to do with
my life? And I had come from such a difficult place.
I wanted to spend my life in service. I had
(20:09):
enthusiasm about trying to help people overcome the kind of
challenges I'd been faced with. And when I realized that
was my enthusiasm, I thought about how do I do that.
I immediately went and switched my major from marine biology
to psychology, and that put me on the paths of
becoming a psychotherapist. And I've been enthused every day since. Now.
(20:33):
It's not to say every single day was easy, because
that's certainly not the case, but it is to say
every single day I woke up with my purpose. And
if there was one gift I could give every single
person on earth, it would be a gift of their purpose.
So ask yourself every day, what am I enthused to
(20:55):
do with my life today and that will always lead
you to your purpose. Such this is not just a
(23:17):
podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.
I actually want you to be inspired. I want you
to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
help but be impacted by the content we consume. So
what I would like for you to do is come
on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey
of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do
(23:40):
that is to just pay attention to the things going
on in your life as a consequence of listening to
this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in
(24:01):
the comments what you're noticing in your life as a
result of listening to this podcast and as a result
of paying attention to these things. I would love to
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
(24:21):
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by Jack
Queish Thomas and the executive producer, Dolly S. Fisherm For
more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the iHeartRadio app
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content
(24:43):
presented on the Family Therapy podcast serve solely for educational
and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement
for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not
constitute a provider aatent relationship. It is advisable to consult
with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific
concerns or questions you may have.
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