October 11, 2022 • 51 mins
This week in the Food Court we have two incredible comedians and coffee connoisseurs here to fight the battle between hot and iced coffee. Ophira Eisenberg veteran of NPR's Ask Me Another, the Moth and the new podcast Parenting is a Joke, is taking the position of hot coffee with a side of "is iced coffee even coffee?!?" while comedian and writer Josh Gondelman (Desus and Mero, Last Week Tonight and more) is here to say that iced coffee is the only coffee, even in the dead of winter. You'll laugh, you'll laugh some more but most of all you'll hear them both keep talking through the gavel.
NOTE throughout the recording there was the sound of ice clinking on Josh's audio track. Was he drinking an iced coffee the whole time we were recording?! Truly devoted to his argument.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Creamy, Creamy smood Court, food Court, food Court with St Blaze,
Argue in the food Court, court with lace like cross
(00:31):
with Welcome to food Court, a production of I Heart Radio.
This is food Court with Richard Blaze. That's me and
I've been a chef and a judge all over TV
and it's sort of different media. What do we say
just TV? Now I'm streaming, I'm We're doing all of it,
and now I'm here live in the studio judging your
(00:54):
innermost thoughts about serious food topics. You probably thought, I'm
not competing on a cooking show. Richard will never judge me. No,
Richard Blaze will judge you right here, right now in
the food court, which brings us to today's debate. We
couldn't have this debate in the studio because my guests
today both live in New York City, where I am
(01:14):
a native. I am a native New Yorker. I'm always
very proud to say that if you are in New Yorker,
you're always proud to say you're a native New Yorker.
And I'm here in l a very far away from
our guests, and that means that the miracle of Zoom
is bringing us here together, even if it was a
five minute delay to get us here, and boyle boy
am I excited about today's guests. I've stalked them for
(01:35):
the last couple of days all over their social media.
I've watched all of their stand ups, and I'm so
happy to have the host of the new I Heart
podcast Parenting as a Joke and formerly of NPRS asked
me another it's Canadian born stand up comedian and writer
a Feara Eisenberg. Yes, thank you, and does anyone say
(01:59):
native Los Angeles, Los Angelina or they just go Los Angelina.
I'm a Los Angeles, Los Angelea now in New York.
I'm a native New Yorker. My I said writer to
like my New York like weird accent came out there
for a second. Welcome Fia, thank you so much, Thank
you so much for hanging out with us. What are you?
What are you up to today? In the moment, I
(02:20):
will admit that I am not in New York. I'm
further up island in Long Island, as a friend of
mine has a place that is a little cooler than invited.
Me and my family have a six year old son
to go hang out at and so yeah, I'm I'm
living an altered reality that I've I've never lived before.
Like people who have you know, a house in the
(02:41):
Hampton's you can say it, you're not the Hamptons close.
They do not let me in the Hamptons. Well, listen,
I will say this. I am, like I said, not
only my native New Yorker, I am a native Strong Islander.
Oh there we go, Long Island is in the house.
Also not born and raised any are near the Hampden's.
They don't let me there either. But once I played
(03:02):
meaning golf in Montalk. Does that count? I think it does?
It does? Yeah, yeah, I once I accidentally took the
train out that far because I fell asleep. That can
That does count. That does count. That's the worst part
of the l I R right there is like if
you fall asleep and you you thought you were in
Tireytown and the next thing you know, you're in Montalk. Exactly.
I actually had no friends, So listen, I don't know
(03:23):
why I'm sharing your obviously, like the vibes of like
just like, let's just overshare here. But I had a
girlfriend break up with me after that mini golf. It
took me all the way out way to say, wait
a second, who won at the mini golf game? I
mean probably it probably was me. I think it might
have been a competitive thing. Are you going? Are you
getting right into it right there? Well, let's let's admit
(03:45):
one thing. Does anyone ever win at minigolf? Now you've
both lost the second you agree to it. But for
that to be punctuated with a breakup, that's devastating. It's horrible.
It's horrible, devastating. A wind meal and a little that's
what it is, under a ridge and a little. Did
I know that was the the last ball I was
(04:06):
going to hit into a clowns man? There we go,
There we go, alright, and here to argue with Afia
is her friend. We'll see how long that last. After today,
Most recently he was producing and writing for Showtime Stay
Sus and Miro and on last week tonight before that,
it's comedian Josh Gondelman. Hello, thank you, thank you so
(04:28):
much for having me. Now, Josh, are are you in
New York even though you're wearing a Boston Red Sox cap? Yeah? Well,
I mean I feel especially when I'm in Boston. I'm
from the Boston area, and when I'm in Boston, I
don't feel as much compulsion to our Red Sox hat
because it is assumed, that is the assumed identity when
you're in and whatever hat you're wearing, it means you
(04:51):
like the Red Sox unless it says otherwise. So I
feel much more compulsion to wear my Red Sox hat
when I'm in I live in Brooklyn. When I'm in
Manhattan for whatever reason, work or visiting friends, and so, yeah,
I feel like I have to represent the Red Sux
who are not playing well lately, which, again as a
(05:12):
new Englander, makes me feel more compelled to be like
the Still my guys, Dude, this team is in the
toilet right now. We're in the shop, but I think
we're gonna pull it out. I hope they're in last place, Josh.
There in last place, Josh. Don't you think in Brooklyn
like the hierarchy goes like number one mets hat mets
Head is a very good I think that's like kind
(05:34):
of the hipster move. The number two Brooklyn Dodgers old
school doesn't listen anymore. That's number two, number three Red Sox,
number four Yankees. No, I don't think so well. I mean,
I also used to live uptown. I lived at seven Street,
and it was like not a diversity of baseball allegiances
that far north in the city. It was Yankees my neighbors.
(05:57):
I would walk out of the house, I walk out
of my building of the Red Sox had on, and
my neighbors would go like Yankees for life, like truly.
A guy said that to me and I went, hey, man,
I respect that, and he goes you better. It's like, okay,
I was gonna ask me how often that happens? How
how often do you get heckled on the streets wearing
a Red Sox at but obviously daily It's not right, well,
(06:18):
it's not as much in this neighborhood, where I feel
like it is a little less die hard. I imagine
they're probably more transplants from other places than where I
used to live. But yeah, it's definitely a thing. And
I mean, working for Jesus and Marrow for years, they
would constantly whenever the Red Sox would lose a game,
they'd just be like, ah, you loser. Like if they
would really get there, they're they're Uptown guys, right there,
(06:41):
They're they're from the Bronx, both them from the Bronx
and in my I'm sorry to be cursing so much,
but here comes another one. In my interview for the
show in late eighteen, it was right after the Red
Sox had beat the Dodgers in the World Series and
I came in and Jesus, who we've never met before,
but he we knew of each other, and he said
to me, he goes, uh, but you're in a pretty
(07:01):
good mood today, and he said it was truly the
day after they clinched the World Series, and I went, yeah, man,
it feels amazing to win the World Series. You guys
should try it some time. And that was our first
conversation in the internet. Yeah, I like Moxie. This kid's
got hotzpah. He'll stand up, He'll tell us the truth.
(07:21):
All right, now, listen, the chemistry is I mean, what's
the word palpable? How long have you two known each other?
Obviously you're the banter, is there? Well, we've known each other,
don't it's good to be like it's I mean, I'm
gonna say something like we've we've been in New York
comedy together for a long time. But yeah, I don't know.
I probably met you at a show, Like I'm gonna say,
(07:44):
pandemic ends adds two years, so I always have to
do that little weird math. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it could be eight. That sounds right, Yeah, that sounds right.
I like truly have no because I knew before I
moved to the city, I knew of you and your
comedy and was fan. So it's like I don't know
when we met, which is such a like, and I've
(08:05):
been here for eleven years now, which is like for
bosterous bonkers. Yeah, I just remember right around the time.
I think when you move, so would probably be like
Elevendon that because I know a lot of Boston comics
and so when a new one makes their way to
New York, the other ones vouch for them. So like
John Fish like just Josh God, Josh Gonans in town now,
Like he's good, you guys, make sure you get him
(08:27):
on your shows. You're like, I love that. I'm so
I have such a like as you can tell, like
that little hometown pride, and it's I think there are
so many really funny comedians who have come through Boston
and they're now in New York and a lot of
people have moved on from even from New York to
l A. But like, um, you know, Gary Goldman, John Fish,
(08:48):
Mike Kaplan, Kenny's Mobili are all here now there's like
so many great people and and even you know Linkston
Kerman Jen He's a Greeno came through New York briefly
and they're now doing great in l A. But like
from Boston too, here to there, and so I'm like,
I feel a lot of like Boston and pride in
the the comedians. But I'm I've been doing stand up
(09:08):
in New York for like substantially longer than I did
it before I moved. Yeah, me too. I mean, I
have a question about stand up. As a fan of
the art of stand up, what is the feeling out
process when you like, meet a new comedian backstage, you
in the green room? Is it competitive? Like with chefs
and we're on show, Sometimes it can get weird and competitive.
You're like, oh, do you know this person? You know
that person? Is it fun? Is it always cordial? Well? No,
(09:33):
this is my perspective because I felt like when I
started stand up in Canada, but now I too, have
done it longer in New York than I ever did
in Canada, and because it was just a smaller scene,
even though Canadians are nice and et cetera. Because it
was a smaller scene, it actually felt more competitive, which
I know is counterintuitive. I feel like in New York
you want to start kind of with liking someone because
(09:53):
you know what, you get a lot of your jobs
from other comics, and so it is more fun to
get along, and you're kind of all in it together,
so it is more fun to get along. And so
I mean I always want to like people first round
because well because it's just more fun to hang out
in another person. Um. So usually it's good backstage I think,
(10:15):
unless but it was also you know, depending on what show,
it is like filled with things, sure thing they're going through,
So it's not always the best place to meet someone.
I really like it. Like when someone comes in from
out of town, I'm always like excited to chat them up,
like what brought you in? What are you doing while
you're in town? Um? And I agree, I think in
(10:37):
in a smaller scene, sometimes it feels like there's more
cutthroat competition just for like stage time. And in New York,
especially once you've been here for a while, You're like,
there's plenty of whatever. Plenty. I think Colin Quinn once
said there's plenty of pie for everybody. And I think
that that's how I like. I think when people feel
like they're comfortable and thriving and making progress in their
(10:59):
own careers, are much less likely to like hoard the
resources they have and they're much more like cool and
pleasant backstage and stuff, because they're not like, oh, if
I don't do well tonight and you do well, that
means I'm not getting booked again. Like once people get
into a zone of like I'm going to do the
job and even if it's not the best night of
my life, I'm vine okay, I love it. There it is.
(11:20):
Now here's the question though, talking about hoarding the resources,
what's the what's the comic what's the stand up food scene?
Like I I envision it's like the it's like the
it's like the Avengers end scene. You're all like eating
schwarm at four am and telling jokes or or there
it is. That's it. I mean, that's best case scenario.
I think that's like the highest level. It doesn't get
(11:42):
better than that usually. I mean so because you're running
around so often in New York, you're not always like
hanging out afterwards because a lot of people are just
like running to their next spot. But if you do
end up I mean, and also not many places have
opportunities for food. Like you there's a few green rooms.
There's like almost nowhere to hang out most of the time,
(12:03):
except for like the seller has the olive tree. I mean,
like some of the clubs have like little bits of
green room, but it's far and few between for the
club club scene. And then on the road it's a
little more like you can imagine kind of what the
food is like, it's a lot of like easy stuff
they can buy in ball in a lot of places.
(12:24):
Some places you're like, oh, this place is affiliated, Like
Acne in Minneapolis has like a really nice restaurant that's
attached to it. But like other places, you're like, oh,
I'm going to get like a chicken finger that is
uniform to anywhere in America. That's right. Or at the
end of the night, you just hang out with your
fellow comic. Maybe you're the headline or maybe you're the feature.
(12:46):
Who knows, maybe it's a showcase and you both you know,
you just like you have your kind bar and your
well bourbon shot and you call it a success. And
there's also like I still do kind of the tourists
eating where like I'm in Chicago, Like at Zanes there's
this bar around the corner that stays open super late.
And then there's a guy that like brings in homemade
(13:07):
to Molly's um that he like brings and sells like
bar to bar, and it's like, how can you not
be charmed by that? That's like a Chicago experience, and
you know, it's an experience I've only had in Chicago,
and I'm I'm always like, nah, snacks on the road.
There's nothing like unhealthy about eating it too. Yeah, No,
you need it, your body requires it. You need it.
(13:30):
Nothing beats the black market, Tomali, we're gonna that truth
of Fia. I'm reading here in your bio it says
that you reside with your husband and son where she
can regularly be seen drinking a ton of coffee. I do.
I actually was saying to my friend here at this
lovely house in Long Island that I have just stopped
myself from not just drinking coffee all day. I think
(13:53):
it is because I have My dad was Israeli and
he was a huge coffee drinker and he made the
Turkish coffee at night after after a meal where you know,
you boil it three times. It's like it's a fragrant
tar almost that you think it a little tiny cup
and so um yeah, it's just so. But I do
because I actually cannot handle the stimulant. And I think
(14:16):
decaf and other things that we are going to be
talking about later are not coming. Okay, wow, Like I listen,
I I as well could go coffee all day long, Josh,
what about what about you? Yeah, I similarly have to
like restrain myself from all day coffee. We're all addicts. Yeah,
And I also I'm like so mindless about my own body,
(14:38):
where like I could eat something that would make me
sick for like five days in a row and on
day six, like it would take my wife being like,
you've really felt awful every day. You've been like eating
those that pizza you found in the trash, And I'm like, oh,
you're right, Yeah, that's probably what's making me feel terrible
all the time. So like I really have to be
like Josh at seven pm, you shouldn't like just get
(15:00):
a cold brew while you're you know, because you're early
to the show and drink it, like switch to Seltzer,
switched to get a beer even because like I will
just drink coffee, yeah, all the time. And I'm I'm
from from being from New England, I'm a Duncan loyalist,
and so combination towards I said, it's just it's who
(15:22):
I am. I can't I can't lie about my heritage.
Um and my dad. My dad was a big coffee
drinker growing up and he would lesson now you know,
had a coffee maker and cake ups or whatever. But
they he was a Duncan guy. And I think so
it is in that I will I will respect the
Duncan shout out here. For one reason, there's no doubt
(15:42):
that the coffee taste a little bit like doughnuts. The
austmost totally agree with. It doesn't matter if it's a
plastic cup. There's a creaminess to their I mean, like
I actually researched. I was like, is that milk greal?
I've I've actually like interesting, is Dunk and Donuts coffee
milk real? And say they got to put sugar in it,
(16:04):
like they have to. Yeah, so far all I could
find was some sadder tales of health inspection issues. But
the milk, it's donut milk, it's donut, it's donut flavor,
which we could put on a menu in Los Angeles
right now and probably get a pretty good I'm lying
out the door for Yeah, this would be like a
real milk bar, cereal milk ice cream. Yeah, donut milk.
(16:28):
You know what we should suggest I think comes out
of this. We should should suggest this idea to Tim Horton's.
That's what I grew up with. Well, that's what I'm saying,
Like I just I just actually filmed something in Toronto
and did not realize how obsessed or how many Tim
Horton's there are. And I understand maybe that was the
original debate plan, to go Tim Horton's versus donkeys. It's true,
(16:52):
and Tim Horton's, you know the middle of their donut.
I think like Duncan Donuts does a two munchkins, right,
Oh yeah, they got the little donut alls. The that's
is after that was tim bits hilarious. Tims is hilarious,
Tin tidbits, No timbits hilarious and as I am quoting
(17:12):
right now, Martin short One said only Canada would figure
out how to make money off of a whole. They
made something. Yeah, so are you fact checking the dates
on the tempestus? I love you so right now we're believing,
(17:33):
we're believe, we're gonna go with it. This court is
just going to go with that as a fat for
right now. But I do have to ask Senser. Now
we're into the whole you know, Canadian you know, pop
culture thing. Thoughts on catchup chips? Oh my goodness, love
catchup chips. I mean, I grew up in a grocery
store that was my parents business, so I ate as
much as I wanted of all of that stuff for free,
(17:56):
and I could try it all and catchup chips, you know,
I will say, ketchup chips. Why are they delicious? They're
sweet and savory at the same time. Chips really good.
It's good. We agree. We all agree here. I love
ketchup chips. It's amazing that they haven't migrated to the
state because it's not like it doesn't feel like a
culturally specific thing, where like the American palette couldn't handle them.
(18:20):
They're like candy chips, right, like I get it. In
Spain they have ham chips, but you can understand the
tough lot, right, But not for Ketchup. Not for Ketchup.
There must be a trademark on it. There's gotta be
a reason why we're not eating. There's a little maple
leaf somewhere in that little back of the bag that
I noticed. Did you have dill pickle chips growing up?
(18:42):
I didn't, but I have the I think Kettle Chips
brand makes a dill pickle chip that I've had a
bunch in the last couple of years, and those are
pretty good. I like those two we had and I
liked them. Yeah, so, but yeah, ketchup chips. I And
you know, there's a lot of confections, like by confections,
I don't mean to use that big of a word,
but like you know, chocolate bars and stuff from Canada
(19:04):
that I'm very fond of. And one thing that my
friend just came back from Canada and I forgot about
was marketed to kids. Wine gums, which are basically what
you guys know as u jujubes or jujus. They're a
little yeah, no, there's still a little the different like
fruit shapes and but they're just gummies. But we call
(19:25):
them wine gums. I don't say wine gums. They like grapes.
Wine guns. Sounds like what you'd call your friend after
they drink a lot of llow and you can see
it on their face. All right, wine gums we're getting
in a cab. Yeah, exactly, let's get let's get that
joker smile off the wine gums. I love we have.
(19:46):
We we're debating three topics at least right now. We
got wine gums, ketchup chips. We got donkeys versus tim horns.
Time to pull it back around, O Fia, please tell
us in the court today the case that you've brought
to us. I have a hot coffee drink. I don't
believe in ice coffee. I think ice coffee is, you know,
like it's the soft rock meat, smooth jazz of the
(20:07):
coffee world. It's like water aerobic to the holiday in
pool is to work out what I'm trying to say,
it's like it just counts because you showed up. That's
what ice coffy is. It's not even a fake orgasm.
You never climaxed. Okay, you didn't have a chance all right,
It's not gonna have a true hot hot take on
(20:27):
hot coffee. By the way, knocking off the elevator, rock jazz.
We got Kenny g in the wall behind me here,
all sorts of podcast. So, Josh, I'm assuming that you
think differently I do. I'm a an iced coffee all
year partisan here on a nice coffee drinker. I think
(20:48):
a beverage should provide refreshment, that you should be able
to hold it in your hand comfortably from the moment
it's poured without additional fortification. It shouldn't be ruined if
you leave it out for ten minutes on your desk.
And I think ice coffee just checks all the beverage
boxes that I want, and hot coffee checks very few.
Josh getting into his arguments already. We will have time
(21:09):
to get into that, Josh, and I just want to
let you both know, as we're becoming friends here that
as a human, I have to really work on the
pronunciation of the h u. I'm a native. As a human,
I have my own thoughts. I have my own thoughts,
and I'll just fear I'm gonna just call it as
it is. There might be a nice coffee in front
of me right here. That might be something that's happening,
(21:30):
but I turn that off. I am a judge with integrity.
My decision will be based only on the arguments that
are brought forth today. So we're going to get into it.
But before we start, just like in most courts, we
like to start our court with a quick trivia round. Trivia, trivia, trivia.
(21:51):
I don't know why that's the monster truck echo that
Crystal wrote into the script. Thanks, You'll have to come
up with your own sound to ring in with a right.
So if you're a what sound will you be making
to chime into the trivia? Okay? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I like it. There's some kid, there's the Canadian in there.
(22:14):
It's some yeah, Canadian Matthew mcconnie. I love it. I
love it. Story story story, story, story stories. And Josh,
how about you. I'm I'm gonna go with like an
NBA jam style boom shock a laka. I like it.
I like that. We both have really really intense sound
(22:37):
effects that are gonna take a long time to make.
That sit way too long. We don't just go, man, Yeah,
all you gotta do is it's not that there is
a strategy to we're gonna make them distinct. It's like chord.
But yes, I love it. And if we want to
make this an audio an audio waterfall okay, okay, okay,
and a boom shock a locka? Is that what it is? Okay?
(22:59):
In the Way We Go question and multiple choice, the
winner of trivia will get to determine whether they present
their argument first or second question wonderful on this is
multiple choice. On The Gilmore Girls, the titular characters spend
a lot of time drinking coffee. And the seven seasons
of the show, how many cups exactly? We're shown being
(23:20):
enjoyed A three B three hundred and fifty six cups
or C seventy two cups? Okay, well come with cocake. Okay,
that's gonna be a fira a please. The high total
there five and three cups is correct? You are correct.
(23:41):
Add Gilmore Girls Superman to the list of titles right there.
I do remember it was, I mean you said seven
seasons and I was like, oh my goodness, there was
so many and they were always having coffee together. Oh yeah, there,
well there is multiple cups. Yeah, if you break it
if you take it down, because Crystal producer Christo does
(24:02):
all of this hard work. Season one alone featured eight
cups was now I don't remember was it any brand
or was it just cups? It was just cups right,
just because there was like a hospitality based thing, right,
so they probably had whatever the flatwear was for the
for the bed and breakfast and for their home. I
just love that you said flatwear right now. Luke's Diner,
(24:23):
of course, starts all of a veritable You couldn't can
turn over a rock without finding a coffee cup. Shameless confession.
I've never seen an episode of Gilmour Girls, and I
feel horrible about it. I'm not too late, just for
the just exactly exactly they're still there there. It is
like everything is that's true. That's well played, Thank you? Alright,
(24:47):
question too, Here we go with a fear up one
zero prices right rules here, which always confuses me, but
it means the closest without going over. Okay, The world
record for the oldest cat is held by a cat
named cream Puff, who drank a little coffee every morning.
How long did cream Puff live? Boomsha, that's josh, I'm
(25:10):
gonna say twenty three years, three years? So now fear
are you get to answer as well? That's great, Okay,
I'm gonna go with its prices right, So if I
said one, I could get it. But you know what,
we always say prices right, rules, And I know for
years of trivia it is so boring because when you
(25:33):
win with the one, do you celebrate? Now? Everyone just
goes Now, I'm gonna say thirty five. Wow, So we're
in a real competition. Okay, okay, how long thirty closest
without going over? Are you were right? Thirty eight years
and three days. A cat can live a cat's average
(25:56):
house cats. Everyone here and all three of us are
just absolutely blown away that a cat can years. So
every time my friend like has a cat that dies
at twelve, will be like, what what did you do
to it? Nine? Let them drink coffee in the morning.
This was this was Garfield nerbal nervous was at Yes, yeah,
(26:20):
I just Garfield's enemy. I isn't it the same cat? Right?
It is the same cat. Right, It's not a famous cat. Okay,
it's not. It's not like Bubbles the chimp, right, That's
what I'm saying. Like, maybe once I did a commercial
with a famous cat and like there's more than one
of them. Wait a second, who did you do who
(26:43):
did you do a commercial with? I mean fancy feet?
Was it the fancy feast cat, the white fluffy cat.
I don't you know, I don't know there maybe there's
more out of them. Yeah, that cat, the fancy feast cat,
feels like like Lassie and it's like there's probably been
like fifteen Yeah that's what it means. Yeah, yeah, it's
just like my chef, my chef assist and her name
(27:05):
is Scarlett, but there's been nine Scarlets. Wow, the dread
pirates Scarlet. Alright, here's the last Scarlett's knife. Good luck
to you. You're off two zero. Good thing, Josh in
my court. Question three is worth three points. Okay, you
can you can win the trivia right here with this
(27:27):
last question. It's a multiple case. What country consumes the
most coffee per capita of the United States? B Finland,
C Italy okay, pro chiming in first Finland. The answer
is Finland. I don't think. I don't think we've had
(27:52):
anyone run the table in trivia, Like I knew this one.
How did you know it? Because I did trivia for nothing.
That's true, that's true. I've answered, I've I've read a
lot of questions, and there's I don't remember a whole
bunch of them. But somehow I think because I'm a
little obsessed with Finland also a very high alcoholism rate.
Do these things go hand in hand? I don't know.
(28:15):
Also a little fun fact they this experiment probably now
dates like ten years ago. They dropped wallets with a
hundred dollar hundred euros in them all over all the
countries that they could in Europe. I'm sure you know
there was a few they didn't get to. Many of
them were returned, not all of them. Of the ones
that were returned, most of them were empty. The only
(28:36):
one wallets that were returned with the money in it's
still was in Finland. Wow, and honest people drunk, caffeinated,
honest people clearly caffeinated. And now we're knowing honest Finland.
Following up on the facts, it was the Netherlands. But
(28:58):
last year Finland pulled into with a whopping twenties six
pounds of coffee per person being consumed. When they say
the quality of life is higher in Scandinavia, could it
be that they're just on a caffeine high. I think
that's what if you're saying. Also, you know they take
breaks for coffee. So not to reveal my DNA, but
I am te Scandinavian. It's the vica as I think
(29:20):
it's pronounced vica, which is like the relax. Their credit scores,
they're very good. Yeah, exactly, the vecus for I love it.
What were you going to say, Josh, what was your
answer going to be? I was gonna say Italy. Yeah,
I mean that was but I feel like they drink
a lot of little guys, little tiny guys. Yea, that
is true. Yeah, and my mom my mom was Dutch,
(29:41):
so we also there was coffee coming at me from
both sides. But I love that they four o'clock. That
entire I'm saying for it might be three shuts down,
like business shuts down. Everyone sits down for a coffee together.
That's it. I don't know what. That's what I do
to even when I even when nobody authorizes that, I'm
kind of useless for about an hour and middle of
the day and I'm drinking coffee. Oh my gosh, Okay,
(30:02):
here we go. That means, Sofia, you have three points.
You ran the table. That means so you get to
make the toughest decision of the day. Do you want
to present your argument first? Or would you like Josh
to kick things off? You know what I'd like to
I'd like to hear Josh. There we go, taking the
home team baseball approach. Josh, you will present your argument first,
and we'll get to that right after this quick break.
(30:35):
The future of podcasting is gonna be great. Can do
it right? Yeah? Will really give us extra time for coffee? Okay,
back today in the food court, we have a hot
take on iced coffee and also hot coffee. Which one
is the true coffee? Let's find out. The way this
works is that each of you will have three minutes
to state your case. During this three minutes, you need
(30:56):
to lay out your case and not focus on your opponents.
This isn't your time to go next getive, that'll come later.
The first three minutes all about the positive of your side.
Does everyone get that? Yeah? Okay. After you both lay
out your case, you'll get a two minute rebuttal to
go as negative and as low as you want to go. Josh,
you're going first. You got three minutes on the clock
to let us know why ice coffee is the best.
(31:17):
Your time starts now. Thank you, Thanks for listening, everybody.
I'm move the mind that a beverage default should be
cold unless there's a functional heat to it. I'm not
gonna say I'll never drink a hot tea with honey
if I have a sore throat. But that's not a beverage.
That's a big mug of medicine. And yes, medicine is
allowed to be delicious. We've all had amoxicillin. Here are
(31:40):
some points in ice coffee's favor. No one has ever
had to sue McDonald's because their coffee was too cold
and cause them bodily harm. Ice cubes give at least
the illusion of partial rehydration when you're caffeinating, if not
actual hydration benefits. I didn't check. It doesn't matter to
my brain. Number three, it tastes good and not gross.
Do I drink ice coffee in the winter, Yeah, because,
(32:03):
like all beverages, I consume it indoors where the temperature
is regulated. If you're drinking coffee outside in the winter,
that's fine. That's a functional heat. As I already talked about,
that's a different ball game. But if you're drinking inside,
it's the same conditions as you drink ice coffee inside
in the summer. Drinking hot coffee in a warm room
(32:23):
is redundant. Drinking it outdoors on a hot day is perverse,
like making love in a full ski suit. Sure, yeah,
some people might do it, but it's for perverts. People
of the ritual of hot coffee, and I'm not going
to say that that there's no comfort to that, but
it is also what people like about joining cults. So
just think about that for a moment. I will concede.
(32:45):
I I want to get ahead of this. I want
to concede that there are some appropriate uses for hot coffee.
Teaching children that some grown up things taste bad and
aren't for them. Yeah, that's one. You could pour a
bunch of hot coffee out of a turret onto an
invading army on the side of your castle. That could work.
You dump out a big glass pot into a mug,
and you make believe you're a detective staying up late
(33:06):
and solving a case, not just a regular sleepy human
who needs a daily stimulant to get through life. Those
are the kind of big, big ones, So In conclusion,
ice coffee is a delicious nectar, perfect free year round consumption,
and hot coffee is simply the thinnest available version of
bean soup. The highest purpose of hot coffee is to
be cooled down to make iced coffee. I thank you
(33:29):
for your service hot coffee, and I thank you for
your time. Listeners. Josh coming in with time left forty
seconds left on the bell. You'll not get it back,
but I don't think you need it. That was to sink.
That was thank you, very well, said, very thank you.
That was a great bean soup. I'll never look at
hot coffee again after hearing that. Lots to think about.
(33:50):
And is it hydrating? I don't know. Is it is
hot coffee a cult? We might soon find out. Three
minutes to let us know why hot coffee is the
only way to have coffee. Your time starts now. As
I mentioned, I love coffee. I got it from my parents,
who have a strong coffee tradition in both of the
cultures they grew up in. My dad growing up in Israel,
(34:13):
actually even before was Israel because he was much older,
and my mother growing up in Holland. You know, but
Thomas Jefferson said coffee is the favorite drink of the
civilized world. And let me tell you what he was
talking about, my friends, hot coffee. That's what Thomas Jefferson
was talking about. You know what I like to say,
My life is a series of little distractions in between coffee,
(34:36):
and I'm having it alone sometimes because you know what
I can in They just go with me on this fantasy.
You wake up in the morning the smell of hot
coffee brewing, you know, that a roma that just waffs
through the air. It's like nutty and it smells earthy,
(34:57):
and it really puts a smile on your face and
you pour it into your mug. Maybe it's a pottery mug, ceramic,
maybe it's a maybe it's a glass mug. And the
way you hold it in your hand and it kind
of lightly warms up your hand as you take that
first soothing sip of this warmth trickling down your throat,
(35:19):
this nutty, earthy elick, sir, that yes, has caffee in it.
That is what the stimulant that also, you know, kind
of gives you a bit of a feeling of being awake.
And that is where you start your day in this
kind of moment of of beauty and being held. It's
like the coffee holds me in the morning with its warmth,
(35:40):
and then the other part of it that I love,
what I say in my life is a little series
of distractions in between. Coffee is going out for coffee
with people, and again it's a warm thing. It's the
conversation that is warm. Is obviously the caffeine that adds
a little bit of energy to it. But what kind
of coffee are you drinking? Are you sipping on something
very cold and sort of like freaking out because you're
(36:03):
like icing down your throat. No, it's this warmth of
like conversation and having a little cappucco or maybe just
like a coffee, and you you taste the warmth of ego.
I can taste that this is like a nice dark roast.
I can taste that it's like a French medium roast.
Or oh, I really love the way this espresso is
so smooth. These are the notes that you get when
(36:25):
the beverage is brewed, how it was always meant to
be brewed, which is hot. It is how it is
done in every European country. It was how it was
first done, the very first indication that coffee was discovered
was in Ethiopia, a warm country, but it was brewed warm.
It was brood warm, my friend, interesting, because that's how
(36:47):
you are supposed to do it, to bring the flavor
out of it. Is Do I do I like water
down coffee? No, I'm there for the taste. I'm there
for the feeling. I'm there for the way it embraces me.
I'm there for the conversation. I'm there for the hanging out.
I am there for the essence in which way it
(37:09):
was originally supposed to be served. I'm not there for
the way that it has been appropriated by America to
make it easier, to make it easier to slurp down,
make it easier on a water down pallet, to make
it I don't I like drinking it to its very
very vast drop. This courts, we'll have to take away
(37:33):
the last I'm sorry, We'll we'll go to the court clerk. Yeah, okay,
we're gonna take off the last couple of seconds of
the argument. But what was said within the three minutes
was striking. Does coffee bring us joy? Is it? Is
it social? Is it? Is it? Is it a warm hug.
Is it traditionally the you know? Is it? Is? This
(37:55):
about tradition and family values and civilization. So many many
deep arguments and so much to think about as we
get into our rebuttals. Josh, you're up now for two minutes.
I have to say it's it's it's pretty close right now.
There are some strong arguments on both sides. They're both
caffeine fueled. Let's be honest. We're not arguing decapits caffe like, Yeah,
(38:20):
we're all we all need that. That's ridiculous here, we
don't just wake up and feel good. Yeah, find me
that person, and I'm gonna say we don't get along. Josh,
you got two minutes to let offear and know why
hot coffee sucks? Your two minutes starts now. Sure, I
think I think one thing that's important to talk about.
(38:40):
I'm going to address affaires arguments directly, because I find
them to be specious and I find them to be unconvincing. Sure,
Thomas Jefferson said coffee is a beverage of the civilized world. Yeah,
that's a nice quote until you think about what that means.
When Thomas Jefferson said it, he means it's a beverage
for white people only. I think that's what it sounds like.
(39:00):
He's said about hot coffee. He probably never had ice
coffee in his life. He lived in Virginia on the
plantation where enslaved people did his labor for him. He
never had to go outside where it was hot. It's fine. Also,
you said, I can't argue with the aroma of a
hot coffee. I think that's a wonderful thing, and that
is certainly a credit. But when you said you smell
(39:23):
that aroma as it's piping hot out of the coffee,
and you take the first sip of coffee and it's
the right temperature, that's inexperienced. No one has. Every time
I've ever taken the first the first sip of a coffee,
it's always been I've let it go too long because
I'm out of practice in near defense and it's been
too cool, or I've taken my first sip and gone, whoa,
(39:44):
this seems another three hours of cooling because it is
the temperature of the sun. Why does it start at
the temperature of the sun, So that doesn't seem that's
not a relaxing, soothing experience to me. Like it's the summer.
I have coffee with frequently. I am wildly unemployed. I
sat outside with a friend today in a COVID safe
(40:08):
environment and drink an ice coffee with my friend Lindsay
for a couple of hours. And if I had drink
hot coffee outside, I would have perished. It would have
been I would have sweated myself to death. So ice
coffee can itself be a communal experience. And yes, Europeans
drink hot coffee. That is a European cultural touchstone, and
(40:32):
I would I would never say that they shouldn't have that.
I will also say Europe doesn't even really have air conditioning.
They just like things to be uncomfortably warm. So ice coffee,
we've improved it. America has improved it. We haven't improved
many things, but we fixed coffee. There. It is Josh
coming in hot coffees too hot? Do Thomas Jefferson someone
(40:57):
should be someone we looked too as inspiration in the
in the beverage world. Perhaps, Oh fear, you got two
minutes to let Josh know why he's wrong again. I'm
I'm on the fence here to be honest. Two minutes
starts now, I can't make any accommodations for the fact
that Josh doesn't know how to take a sip of
coffee at the right temperature. I feel like that is
(41:18):
maybe it's genetic. I'm not really sure, but I'm hoping
that is something that can be improved upon in the future.
You have this mouth that you can blow on something
to alter the temperature of it, should make it perfect,
which is part of the experience. Let's forget about that.
Let's talk about your ice coffee. What I you might say,
coffee has been, you know, colonized. Basically, coffee has been
colonized to make it what it is to be hot
(41:39):
or cold coffee. But can we agree that ice coffee
is the American appropriation of coffee. It is watered it down.
It has made it something that only the weak tastes
of the general population can handle. It's like, it's too hot.
I need to be colder. I feel like it's it's
kind of weird. What about the summer And if you
want to look up a little science, everybody, you actually
(42:01):
should drink a warm beverage in the heat. I know
it doesn't feel in the moment like that makes any sense,
but anyone that ever does anything outside athletically, does not
drink icy cold beverages. It actually does not cause your
body to cool down. But really, here's what I want
to tell you. Ice coffee is the most taxing on
the planet. Okay, the most taxing. He requires double the impact.
(42:24):
There's ice, there's a plastic cup, there's a lid, there's
a straw, and then just because you're watering it down,
you need to breathe brew it double the strength, which
means you're using more beans. The plastic straws are bad
for the plant. We know that the paper straws dissolve
halfway through. So are you drinking coffee? No, you're drinking
a little paper in there too, Okay, that's what's getting
(42:45):
in there. No sweeteners dissolve, So then we have simple syrup,
which really doesn't even dissolve either. It just sinks to
the bottom. And then you said, you know, oh it's
nice to hold something in my hand. Oh my god,
let me ask you this. Does everyone here like a
wet hand? Who here likes a wet hand? That's what
you have all the time, a wet hand, constantly a
wet hand, wet hand. So I don't find that at all. Great.
(43:09):
Oh that was the bell. I've got more coming in
coming in hots understandably here in this argument, I'd like
the band wet Leg, but I was thinking wet hands,
wet hand for wet leg. Wet hand is stuff, alright,
(43:30):
A lot, a lot to mull over here. Please please
sit in silence. Well, I go to my chambers. Go
to my chambers, gather my Thoughts'll take a quick break.
I'll come back with our verdict. Okay, we are back,
(43:52):
and I've had a chance to think long and hard
about this verdict. But before I let you know what
this court has decided, I will of each of you,
Josh and a Fear, a chance to either persuade me
to come back over the other side or continue to
convince me to your argument. Josh, anything you'd like to
say here to wrap things up, Yeah, there is something
(44:13):
I'd like to say. You're talking about a FIA is
talking about weakness, about wanting the world to conform to
what's comfortable for you. That's what being alive is. It's
wanting to feel good. And if ice coffee makes you
feel good for a moment of the day, you should
allow that joy into your life. And not take it
as a sign of weakness, but rather an accommodation in
(44:36):
the increasingly inhospitable world. And if you had to pick
one to do all day right or all year, if
you had to pick, I'm gonna I'm only gonna ever
have ice coffee. If you're a person that's on the fence,
I'm only ever gonna have hot coffee. I think the
number of circumstances that hot coffee is unpleasant is so
much more compared to the number of circumstances in which
ice coffee is an unpleasant. So if you've got to
(44:58):
take a side, I think just numeric. This is the
way to go, playing out the whole calendar, all of
the seasons, Josh wrapping things up quite nicely. Thank you
nice and a nice little plastic container to be concerned
whenever you want during the year. There was no real
defensive that what do you have to say that you
haven't said already because you said a lot. I just
(45:19):
don't like the taste of ice coffee. It doesn't taste
like coffee. I mean, it's just not real coffee. It
is literally diluted coffee. And then you know I was saying,
like I love a coffee, a mug of coffee to
the last drop. You know what happens with a nice coffee,
You never finish it. At one point you just decide
that it's too gross because basically you've drunk all the
(45:40):
coffee that is in it, more or less, and then
you've just got a cup of ice that you throw away,
like you know, like there's gonna be water on the
planet for the rest of the Earth. You're like Earth,
look at me, just throwing away water after I had
my like double brood in a plastic cup with a
straw and a lid iced coffee. Because for I be
even happiness and emotion that I will agree is not
(46:04):
complex enough. Well said, Well said Josh. And if you're
throwing down, remind me of a moment I'm not too
happy about. I just have to get this off my chest.
Crystal is. One time I went on a trip. I
parked my car at the airport parking lot. I had
an ice coffee. My car stayed out for four days
in the in the in the blazing sun, came back
and I had a hot coffee and I still enjoyed it.
(46:27):
That's how much I love coffee. Wow, that I took
ice coffee that turned into a hot coffee, and I
still enjoyed it because I love coffee. Of all, can
you drink black coffee? Which I think makes that possible
and not completely disruptive to your digestives. That is true
in all fairness, it's black coffee. If there was some
dairy product in there, that would not have ended the
same way. I would like to say this is against
(46:49):
my own argument, but an ice coffee in a car
is really the only way to have a coffee in
the car if you're driving. M back to the whole McDonald's,
no one, mules, let's beverage again. This court has had
a lot to think about. It comes to the threat.
(47:11):
Actually I'm grabbing drink alcohol of you. Listen, it's not's
of great points. That's a great points, crystal. This one
is tough. And that that just reminded it's hot coffee,
dangerous ice coffee? H Is it being soup? Is it
(47:31):
a colt? So many things that Josh brought up. We
nullified the whole Thomas Jefferson bit, that's got to be
taken out of here. Fear on the other side, really
painting the pictures was anyone else in the middle of
like the folder's commercial, you're coming downstairs. It's it's Christmas morning,
and someone made your your your sibling came home. They
were they weren't supposed to be home for the holidays.
But you smell the aroma even in instant coffee. You're
(47:54):
painting a picture. It's a it's a it's a it's
a Norman Rockwell, it's just it's Americana. It's civilized. And
maybe it's more tasty, right, it is hot coffee more delicious.
Give your social time with friends more delicious when it's hot.
So much to think about, and this court really, at
the end of the day, broke it down to two
of the most compelling parts of this argument. I like
(48:15):
coffee in each way, but this court will side in
favor of hot coffee. I feel listen, it's a victory
I would like to share with my friend Josh, because
your graciousness, because I feel true to my I feel
(48:39):
true to my person here, and I know that when
Josh says he drinks ice coffee around that he is
not making that up. He's the only person on the
planet that deserves to drink ice coffee because most people
are like a little willy nilly with it. But he's
the only person that tries to make it a connoisseur situation.
Thank you. So I would just like to say that, Josh,
although I think everybody else other than you arguing this,
(49:01):
I would just nipe up the spilled coffee with them.
But you, I mean, you're you're close friends. I've said it,
this is an iced coffee. And you know what I'm doing.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow morning. I'm having on
a hot coffee, even in the middle of the summer.
Because that's how compelling the argument was. It came down
I don't usually reveal what it really came down to it,
(49:22):
but it came down to the science of hot foods.
Should you have hot foods in hot weather? That's a
great point. And then the aroma and aroma is really
with this came down to, is you can you really
get a roma from a cold grew coffee? It is
to unless you spill it, and then it's like, oh
my pants smell have that nice coffee aroma? Oh my gosh.
(49:48):
I know that I have offended so many people out
there with my decision, and you can tell me all
about it on the the Instagram page for food Court.
Thank you so much for listening to Food Court. I'm
Richard bla Is and I have been your judge. Thank
you so much for both of you for being here
for more. O Fia be sure to check out her
new podcast Parenting as a Joke, and you can catch
(50:08):
your telling stories on the Moth and headlining stand up
shows of course, and you can find her across social
at O Feira E to catch more. Josh be sure
to stream his stand up special People Pleaser and check
out his book Nice Try Stories of Best Intentions and
Mixed Results and across social media at Josh Gondwoman. Thank
(50:29):
you so much for hanging out with us and giving
us so much time and really confusing me, confusing the
hell out of me today. This was a tough than
pretty easy. It's hard battle and I nothing more respect
to fire, nothing but respect back to you Josh and
to you Richard, and I want to ask you all
to do one thing for me and report back, which
is the next time you go to a movie, do
not get popcorn or a soft drink. Get a coffee.
(50:53):
Sat in a movie theater with a coffee. It's amazing.
I'm feeling like there's a brand endorsement coming your way.
Anyone else feel and like someone needs a calling is
going to happen. Find me on social media at Richard Blaze.
Food Court is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm
Richard Blaze. My producer is Crystal Bamahi. Food Court was
created by Christopher Hasiotis. The rest of my food Court
(51:14):
clerks are Jonathan Dressler, David Wasserman, and Jasmine Blaze. The
theme song is by Jason N. Smith. For more Podcasts
for podcast which is the name of my new podcast,
and then for Sure Yeah. Shout out to the seafood podcast,
cot Speed everyone from our podcasts from my Heart Radio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(51:35):
you listen to your favorite shows. With Rage Show
Creamy, Creamy smood Court, food Court, food Court with St Blaze,
Argue in the food Court, court with lace like cross
(00:31):
with Welcome to food Court, a production of I Heart Radio.
This is food Court with Richard Blaze. That's me and
I've been a chef and a judge all over TV
and it's sort of different media. What do we say
just TV? Now I'm streaming, I'm We're doing all of it,
and now I'm here live in the studio judging your
(00:54):
innermost thoughts about serious food topics. You probably thought, I'm
not competing on a cooking show. Richard will never judge me. No,
Richard Blaze will judge you right here, right now in
the food court, which brings us to today's debate. We
couldn't have this debate in the studio because my guests
today both live in New York City, where I am
(01:14):
a native. I am a native New Yorker. I'm always
very proud to say that if you are in New Yorker,
you're always proud to say you're a native New Yorker.
And I'm here in l a very far away from
our guests, and that means that the miracle of Zoom
is bringing us here together, even if it was a
five minute delay to get us here, and boyle boy
am I excited about today's guests. I've stalked them for
(01:35):
the last couple of days all over their social media.
I've watched all of their stand ups, and I'm so
happy to have the host of the new I Heart
podcast Parenting as a Joke and formerly of NPRS asked
me another it's Canadian born stand up comedian and writer
a Feara Eisenberg. Yes, thank you, and does anyone say
(01:59):
native Los Angeles, Los Angelina or they just go Los Angelina.
I'm a Los Angeles, Los Angelea now in New York.
I'm a native New Yorker. My I said writer to
like my New York like weird accent came out there
for a second. Welcome Fia, thank you so much, Thank
you so much for hanging out with us. What are you?
What are you up to today? In the moment, I
(02:20):
will admit that I am not in New York. I'm
further up island in Long Island, as a friend of
mine has a place that is a little cooler than invited.
Me and my family have a six year old son
to go hang out at and so yeah, I'm I'm
living an altered reality that I've I've never lived before.
Like people who have you know, a house in the
(02:41):
Hampton's you can say it, you're not the Hamptons close.
They do not let me in the Hamptons. Well, listen,
I will say this. I am, like I said, not
only my native New Yorker, I am a native Strong Islander.
Oh there we go, Long Island is in the house.
Also not born and raised any are near the Hampden's.
They don't let me there either. But once I played
(03:02):
meaning golf in Montalk. Does that count? I think it does?
It does? Yeah, yeah, I once I accidentally took the
train out that far because I fell asleep. That can
That does count. That does count. That's the worst part
of the l I R right there is like if
you fall asleep and you you thought you were in
Tireytown and the next thing you know, you're in Montalk. Exactly.
I actually had no friends, So listen, I don't know
(03:23):
why I'm sharing your obviously, like the vibes of like
just like, let's just overshare here. But I had a
girlfriend break up with me after that mini golf. It
took me all the way out way to say, wait
a second, who won at the mini golf game? I
mean probably it probably was me. I think it might
have been a competitive thing. Are you going? Are you
getting right into it right there? Well, let's let's admit
(03:45):
one thing. Does anyone ever win at minigolf? Now you've
both lost the second you agree to it. But for
that to be punctuated with a breakup, that's devastating. It's horrible.
It's horrible, devastating. A wind meal and a little that's
what it is, under a ridge and a little. Did
I know that was the the last ball I was
(04:06):
going to hit into a clowns man? There we go,
There we go, alright, and here to argue with Afia
is her friend. We'll see how long that last. After today,
Most recently he was producing and writing for Showtime Stay
Sus and Miro and on last week tonight before that,
it's comedian Josh Gondelman. Hello, thank you, thank you so
(04:28):
much for having me. Now, Josh, are are you in
New York even though you're wearing a Boston Red Sox cap? Yeah? Well,
I mean I feel especially when I'm in Boston. I'm
from the Boston area, and when I'm in Boston, I
don't feel as much compulsion to our Red Sox hat
because it is assumed, that is the assumed identity when
you're in and whatever hat you're wearing, it means you
(04:51):
like the Red Sox unless it says otherwise. So I
feel much more compulsion to wear my Red Sox hat
when I'm in I live in Brooklyn. When I'm in
Manhattan for whatever reason, work or visiting friends, and so, yeah,
I feel like I have to represent the Red Sux
who are not playing well lately, which, again as a
(05:12):
new Englander, makes me feel more compelled to be like
the Still my guys, Dude, this team is in the
toilet right now. We're in the shop, but I think
we're gonna pull it out. I hope they're in last place, Josh.
There in last place, Josh. Don't you think in Brooklyn
like the hierarchy goes like number one mets hat mets
Head is a very good I think that's like kind
(05:34):
of the hipster move. The number two Brooklyn Dodgers old
school doesn't listen anymore. That's number two, number three Red Sox,
number four Yankees. No, I don't think so well. I mean,
I also used to live uptown. I lived at seven Street,
and it was like not a diversity of baseball allegiances
that far north in the city. It was Yankees my neighbors.
(05:57):
I would walk out of the house, I walk out
of my building of the Red Sox had on, and
my neighbors would go like Yankees for life, like truly.
A guy said that to me and I went, hey, man,
I respect that, and he goes you better. It's like, okay,
I was gonna ask me how often that happens? How
how often do you get heckled on the streets wearing
a Red Sox at but obviously daily It's not right, well,
(06:18):
it's not as much in this neighborhood, where I feel
like it is a little less die hard. I imagine
they're probably more transplants from other places than where I
used to live. But yeah, it's definitely a thing. And
I mean, working for Jesus and Marrow for years, they
would constantly whenever the Red Sox would lose a game,
they'd just be like, ah, you loser. Like if they
would really get there, they're they're Uptown guys, right there,
(06:41):
They're they're from the Bronx, both them from the Bronx
and in my I'm sorry to be cursing so much,
but here comes another one. In my interview for the
show in late eighteen, it was right after the Red
Sox had beat the Dodgers in the World Series and
I came in and Jesus, who we've never met before,
but he we knew of each other, and he said
to me, he goes, uh, but you're in a pretty
(07:01):
good mood today, and he said it was truly the
day after they clinched the World Series, and I went, yeah, man,
it feels amazing to win the World Series. You guys
should try it some time. And that was our first
conversation in the internet. Yeah, I like Moxie. This kid's
got hotzpah. He'll stand up, He'll tell us the truth.
(07:21):
All right, now, listen, the chemistry is I mean, what's
the word palpable? How long have you two known each other?
Obviously you're the banter, is there? Well, we've known each other,
don't it's good to be like it's I mean, I'm
gonna say something like we've we've been in New York
comedy together for a long time. But yeah, I don't know.
I probably met you at a show, Like I'm gonna say,
(07:44):
pandemic ends adds two years, so I always have to
do that little weird math. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it could be eight. That sounds right, Yeah, that sounds right.
I like truly have no because I knew before I
moved to the city, I knew of you and your
comedy and was fan. So it's like I don't know
when we met, which is such a like, and I've
(08:05):
been here for eleven years now, which is like for
bosterous bonkers. Yeah, I just remember right around the time.
I think when you move, so would probably be like
Elevendon that because I know a lot of Boston comics
and so when a new one makes their way to
New York, the other ones vouch for them. So like
John Fish like just Josh God, Josh Gonans in town now,
Like he's good, you guys, make sure you get him
(08:27):
on your shows. You're like, I love that. I'm so
I have such a like as you can tell, like
that little hometown pride, and it's I think there are
so many really funny comedians who have come through Boston
and they're now in New York and a lot of
people have moved on from even from New York to
l A. But like, um, you know, Gary Goldman, John Fish,
(08:48):
Mike Kaplan, Kenny's Mobili are all here now there's like
so many great people and and even you know Linkston
Kerman Jen He's a Greeno came through New York briefly
and they're now doing great in l A. But like
from Boston too, here to there, and so I'm like,
I feel a lot of like Boston and pride in
the the comedians. But I'm I've been doing stand up
(09:08):
in New York for like substantially longer than I did
it before I moved. Yeah, me too. I mean, I
have a question about stand up. As a fan of
the art of stand up, what is the feeling out
process when you like, meet a new comedian backstage, you
in the green room? Is it competitive? Like with chefs
and we're on show, Sometimes it can get weird and competitive.
You're like, oh, do you know this person? You know
that person? Is it fun? Is it always cordial? Well? No,
(09:33):
this is my perspective because I felt like when I
started stand up in Canada, but now I too, have
done it longer in New York than I ever did
in Canada, and because it was just a smaller scene,
even though Canadians are nice and et cetera. Because it
was a smaller scene, it actually felt more competitive, which
I know is counterintuitive. I feel like in New York
you want to start kind of with liking someone because
(09:53):
you know what, you get a lot of your jobs
from other comics, and so it is more fun to
get along, and you're kind of all in it together,
so it is more fun to get along. And so
I mean I always want to like people first round
because well because it's just more fun to hang out
in another person. Um. So usually it's good backstage I think,
(10:15):
unless but it was also you know, depending on what show,
it is like filled with things, sure thing they're going through,
So it's not always the best place to meet someone.
I really like it. Like when someone comes in from
out of town, I'm always like excited to chat them up,
like what brought you in? What are you doing while
you're in town? Um? And I agree, I think in
(10:37):
in a smaller scene, sometimes it feels like there's more
cutthroat competition just for like stage time. And in New York,
especially once you've been here for a while, You're like,
there's plenty of whatever. Plenty. I think Colin Quinn once
said there's plenty of pie for everybody. And I think
that that's how I like. I think when people feel
like they're comfortable and thriving and making progress in their
(10:59):
own careers, are much less likely to like hoard the
resources they have and they're much more like cool and
pleasant backstage and stuff, because they're not like, oh, if
I don't do well tonight and you do well, that
means I'm not getting booked again. Like once people get
into a zone of like I'm going to do the
job and even if it's not the best night of
my life, I'm vine okay, I love it. There it is.
(11:20):
Now here's the question though, talking about hoarding the resources,
what's the what's the comic what's the stand up food scene?
Like I I envision it's like the it's like the
it's like the Avengers end scene. You're all like eating
schwarm at four am and telling jokes or or there
it is. That's it. I mean, that's best case scenario.
I think that's like the highest level. It doesn't get
(11:42):
better than that usually. I mean so because you're running
around so often in New York, you're not always like
hanging out afterwards because a lot of people are just
like running to their next spot. But if you do
end up I mean, and also not many places have
opportunities for food. Like you there's a few green rooms.
There's like almost nowhere to hang out most of the time,
(12:03):
except for like the seller has the olive tree. I mean,
like some of the clubs have like little bits of
green room, but it's far and few between for the
club club scene. And then on the road it's a
little more like you can imagine kind of what the
food is like, it's a lot of like easy stuff
they can buy in ball in a lot of places.
(12:24):
Some places you're like, oh, this place is affiliated, Like
Acne in Minneapolis has like a really nice restaurant that's
attached to it. But like other places, you're like, oh,
I'm going to get like a chicken finger that is
uniform to anywhere in America. That's right. Or at the
end of the night, you just hang out with your
fellow comic. Maybe you're the headline or maybe you're the feature.
(12:46):
Who knows, maybe it's a showcase and you both you know,
you just like you have your kind bar and your
well bourbon shot and you call it a success. And
there's also like I still do kind of the tourists
eating where like I'm in Chicago, Like at Zanes there's
this bar around the corner that stays open super late.
And then there's a guy that like brings in homemade
(13:07):
to Molly's um that he like brings and sells like
bar to bar, and it's like, how can you not
be charmed by that? That's like a Chicago experience, and
you know, it's an experience I've only had in Chicago,
and I'm I'm always like, nah, snacks on the road.
There's nothing like unhealthy about eating it too. Yeah, No,
you need it, your body requires it. You need it.
(13:30):
Nothing beats the black market, Tomali, we're gonna that truth
of Fia. I'm reading here in your bio it says
that you reside with your husband and son where she
can regularly be seen drinking a ton of coffee. I do.
I actually was saying to my friend here at this
lovely house in Long Island that I have just stopped
myself from not just drinking coffee all day. I think
(13:53):
it is because I have My dad was Israeli and
he was a huge coffee drinker and he made the
Turkish coffee at night after after a meal where you know,
you boil it three times. It's like it's a fragrant
tar almost that you think it a little tiny cup
and so um yeah, it's just so. But I do
because I actually cannot handle the stimulant. And I think
(14:16):
decaf and other things that we are going to be
talking about later are not coming. Okay, wow, Like I listen,
I I as well could go coffee all day long, Josh,
what about what about you? Yeah, I similarly have to
like restrain myself from all day coffee. We're all addicts. Yeah,
And I also I'm like so mindless about my own body,
(14:38):
where like I could eat something that would make me
sick for like five days in a row and on
day six, like it would take my wife being like,
you've really felt awful every day. You've been like eating
those that pizza you found in the trash, And I'm like, oh,
you're right, Yeah, that's probably what's making me feel terrible
all the time. So like I really have to be
like Josh at seven pm, you shouldn't like just get
(15:00):
a cold brew while you're you know, because you're early
to the show and drink it, like switch to Seltzer,
switched to get a beer even because like I will
just drink coffee, yeah, all the time. And I'm I'm
from from being from New England, I'm a Duncan loyalist,
and so combination towards I said, it's just it's who
(15:22):
I am. I can't I can't lie about my heritage.
Um and my dad. My dad was a big coffee
drinker growing up and he would lesson now you know,
had a coffee maker and cake ups or whatever. But
they he was a Duncan guy. And I think so
it is in that I will I will respect the
Duncan shout out here. For one reason, there's no doubt
(15:42):
that the coffee taste a little bit like doughnuts. The
austmost totally agree with. It doesn't matter if it's a
plastic cup. There's a creaminess to their I mean, like
I actually researched. I was like, is that milk greal?
I've I've actually like interesting, is Dunk and Donuts coffee
milk real? And say they got to put sugar in it,
(16:04):
like they have to. Yeah, so far all I could
find was some sadder tales of health inspection issues. But
the milk, it's donut milk, it's donut, it's donut flavor,
which we could put on a menu in Los Angeles
right now and probably get a pretty good I'm lying
out the door for Yeah, this would be like a
real milk bar, cereal milk ice cream. Yeah, donut milk.
(16:28):
You know what we should suggest I think comes out
of this. We should should suggest this idea to Tim Horton's.
That's what I grew up with. Well, that's what I'm saying,
Like I just I just actually filmed something in Toronto
and did not realize how obsessed or how many Tim
Horton's there are. And I understand maybe that was the
original debate plan, to go Tim Horton's versus donkeys. It's true,
(16:52):
and Tim Horton's, you know the middle of their donut.
I think like Duncan Donuts does a two munchkins, right,
Oh yeah, they got the little donut alls. The that's
is after that was tim bits hilarious. Tims is hilarious,
Tin tidbits, No timbits hilarious and as I am quoting
(17:12):
right now, Martin short One said only Canada would figure
out how to make money off of a whole. They
made something. Yeah, so are you fact checking the dates
on the tempestus? I love you so right now we're believing,
(17:33):
we're believe, we're gonna go with it. This court is
just going to go with that as a fat for
right now. But I do have to ask Senser. Now
we're into the whole you know, Canadian you know, pop
culture thing. Thoughts on catchup chips? Oh my goodness, love
catchup chips. I mean, I grew up in a grocery
store that was my parents business, so I ate as
much as I wanted of all of that stuff for free,
(17:56):
and I could try it all and catchup chips, you know,
I will say, ketchup chips. Why are they delicious? They're
sweet and savory at the same time. Chips really good.
It's good. We agree. We all agree here. I love
ketchup chips. It's amazing that they haven't migrated to the
state because it's not like it doesn't feel like a
culturally specific thing, where like the American palette couldn't handle them.
(18:20):
They're like candy chips, right, like I get it. In
Spain they have ham chips, but you can understand the
tough lot, right, But not for Ketchup. Not for Ketchup.
There must be a trademark on it. There's gotta be
a reason why we're not eating. There's a little maple
leaf somewhere in that little back of the bag that
I noticed. Did you have dill pickle chips growing up?
(18:42):
I didn't, but I have the I think Kettle Chips
brand makes a dill pickle chip that I've had a
bunch in the last couple of years, and those are
pretty good. I like those two we had and I
liked them. Yeah, so, but yeah, ketchup chips. I And
you know, there's a lot of confections, like by confections,
I don't mean to use that big of a word,
but like you know, chocolate bars and stuff from Canada
(19:04):
that I'm very fond of. And one thing that my
friend just came back from Canada and I forgot about
was marketed to kids. Wine gums, which are basically what
you guys know as u jujubes or jujus. They're a
little yeah, no, there's still a little the different like
fruit shapes and but they're just gummies. But we call
(19:25):
them wine gums. I don't say wine gums. They like grapes.
Wine guns. Sounds like what you'd call your friend after
they drink a lot of llow and you can see
it on their face. All right, wine gums we're getting
in a cab. Yeah, exactly, let's get let's get that
joker smile off the wine gums. I love we have.
(19:46):
We we're debating three topics at least right now. We
got wine gums, ketchup chips. We got donkeys versus tim horns.
Time to pull it back around, O Fia, please tell
us in the court today the case that you've brought
to us. I have a hot coffee drink. I don't
believe in ice coffee. I think ice coffee is, you know,
like it's the soft rock meat, smooth jazz of the
(20:07):
coffee world. It's like water aerobic to the holiday in
pool is to work out what I'm trying to say,
it's like it just counts because you showed up. That's
what ice coffy is. It's not even a fake orgasm.
You never climaxed. Okay, you didn't have a chance all right,
It's not gonna have a true hot hot take on
(20:27):
hot coffee. By the way, knocking off the elevator, rock jazz.
We got Kenny g in the wall behind me here,
all sorts of podcast. So, Josh, I'm assuming that you
think differently I do. I'm a an iced coffee all
year partisan here on a nice coffee drinker. I think
(20:48):
a beverage should provide refreshment, that you should be able
to hold it in your hand comfortably from the moment
it's poured without additional fortification. It shouldn't be ruined if
you leave it out for ten minutes on your desk.
And I think ice coffee just checks all the beverage
boxes that I want, and hot coffee checks very few.
Josh getting into his arguments already. We will have time
(21:09):
to get into that, Josh, and I just want to
let you both know, as we're becoming friends here that
as a human, I have to really work on the
pronunciation of the h u. I'm a native. As a human,
I have my own thoughts. I have my own thoughts,
and I'll just fear I'm gonna just call it as
it is. There might be a nice coffee in front
of me right here. That might be something that's happening,
(21:30):
but I turn that off. I am a judge with integrity.
My decision will be based only on the arguments that
are brought forth today. So we're going to get into it.
But before we start, just like in most courts, we
like to start our court with a quick trivia round. Trivia, trivia, trivia.
(21:51):
I don't know why that's the monster truck echo that
Crystal wrote into the script. Thanks, You'll have to come
up with your own sound to ring in with a right.
So if you're a what sound will you be making
to chime into the trivia? Okay? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I like it. There's some kid, there's the Canadian in there.
(22:14):
It's some yeah, Canadian Matthew mcconnie. I love it. I
love it. Story story story, story, story stories. And Josh,
how about you. I'm I'm gonna go with like an
NBA jam style boom shock a laka. I like it.
I like that. We both have really really intense sound
(22:37):
effects that are gonna take a long time to make.
That sit way too long. We don't just go, man, Yeah,
all you gotta do is it's not that there is
a strategy to we're gonna make them distinct. It's like chord.
But yes, I love it. And if we want to
make this an audio an audio waterfall okay, okay, okay,
and a boom shock a locka? Is that what it is? Okay?
(22:59):
In the Way We Go question and multiple choice, the
winner of trivia will get to determine whether they present
their argument first or second question wonderful on this is
multiple choice. On The Gilmore Girls, the titular characters spend
a lot of time drinking coffee. And the seven seasons
of the show, how many cups exactly? We're shown being
(23:20):
enjoyed A three B three hundred and fifty six cups
or C seventy two cups? Okay, well come with cocake. Okay,
that's gonna be a fira a please. The high total
there five and three cups is correct? You are correct.
(23:41):
Add Gilmore Girls Superman to the list of titles right there.
I do remember it was, I mean you said seven
seasons and I was like, oh my goodness, there was
so many and they were always having coffee together. Oh yeah, there,
well there is multiple cups. Yeah, if you break it
if you take it down, because Crystal producer Christo does
(24:02):
all of this hard work. Season one alone featured eight
cups was now I don't remember was it any brand
or was it just cups? It was just cups right,
just because there was like a hospitality based thing, right,
so they probably had whatever the flatwear was for the
for the bed and breakfast and for their home. I
just love that you said flatwear right now. Luke's Diner,
(24:23):
of course, starts all of a veritable You couldn't can
turn over a rock without finding a coffee cup. Shameless confession.
I've never seen an episode of Gilmour Girls, and I
feel horrible about it. I'm not too late, just for
the just exactly exactly they're still there there. It is
like everything is that's true. That's well played, Thank you? Alright,
(24:47):
question too, Here we go with a fear up one
zero prices right rules here, which always confuses me, but
it means the closest without going over. Okay, The world
record for the oldest cat is held by a cat
named cream Puff, who drank a little coffee every morning.
How long did cream Puff live? Boomsha, that's josh, I'm
(25:10):
gonna say twenty three years, three years? So now fear
are you get to answer as well? That's great, Okay,
I'm gonna go with its prices right, So if I
said one, I could get it. But you know what,
we always say prices right, rules, And I know for
years of trivia it is so boring because when you
(25:33):
win with the one, do you celebrate? Now? Everyone just
goes Now, I'm gonna say thirty five. Wow, So we're
in a real competition. Okay, okay, how long thirty closest
without going over? Are you were right? Thirty eight years
and three days. A cat can live a cat's average
(25:56):
house cats. Everyone here and all three of us are
just absolutely blown away that a cat can years. So
every time my friend like has a cat that dies
at twelve, will be like, what what did you do
to it? Nine? Let them drink coffee in the morning.
This was this was Garfield nerbal nervous was at Yes, yeah,
(26:20):
I just Garfield's enemy. I isn't it the same cat? Right?
It is the same cat. Right, It's not a famous cat. Okay,
it's not. It's not like Bubbles the chimp, right, That's
what I'm saying. Like, maybe once I did a commercial
with a famous cat and like there's more than one
of them. Wait a second, who did you do who
(26:43):
did you do a commercial with? I mean fancy feet?
Was it the fancy feast cat, the white fluffy cat.
I don't you know, I don't know there maybe there's
more out of them. Yeah, that cat, the fancy feast cat,
feels like like Lassie and it's like there's probably been
like fifteen Yeah that's what it means. Yeah, yeah, it's
just like my chef, my chef assist and her name
(27:05):
is Scarlett, but there's been nine Scarlets. Wow, the dread
pirates Scarlet. Alright, here's the last Scarlett's knife. Good luck
to you. You're off two zero. Good thing, Josh in
my court. Question three is worth three points. Okay, you
can you can win the trivia right here with this
(27:27):
last question. It's a multiple case. What country consumes the
most coffee per capita of the United States? B Finland,
C Italy okay, pro chiming in first Finland. The answer
is Finland. I don't think. I don't think we've had
(27:52):
anyone run the table in trivia, Like I knew this one.
How did you know it? Because I did trivia for nothing.
That's true, that's true. I've answered, I've I've read a
lot of questions, and there's I don't remember a whole
bunch of them. But somehow I think because I'm a
little obsessed with Finland also a very high alcoholism rate.
Do these things go hand in hand? I don't know.
(28:15):
Also a little fun fact they this experiment probably now
dates like ten years ago. They dropped wallets with a
hundred dollar hundred euros in them all over all the
countries that they could in Europe. I'm sure you know
there was a few they didn't get to. Many of
them were returned, not all of them. Of the ones
that were returned, most of them were empty. The only
(28:36):
one wallets that were returned with the money in it's
still was in Finland. Wow, and honest people drunk, caffeinated,
honest people clearly caffeinated. And now we're knowing honest Finland.
Following up on the facts, it was the Netherlands. But
(28:58):
last year Finland pulled into with a whopping twenties six
pounds of coffee per person being consumed. When they say
the quality of life is higher in Scandinavia, could it
be that they're just on a caffeine high. I think
that's what if you're saying. Also, you know they take
breaks for coffee. So not to reveal my DNA, but
I am te Scandinavian. It's the vica as I think
(29:20):
it's pronounced vica, which is like the relax. Their credit scores,
they're very good. Yeah, exactly, the vecus for I love it.
What were you going to say, Josh, what was your
answer going to be? I was gonna say Italy. Yeah,
I mean that was but I feel like they drink
a lot of little guys, little tiny guys. Yea, that
is true. Yeah, and my mom my mom was Dutch,
(29:41):
so we also there was coffee coming at me from
both sides. But I love that they four o'clock. That
entire I'm saying for it might be three shuts down,
like business shuts down. Everyone sits down for a coffee together.
That's it. I don't know what. That's what I do
to even when I even when nobody authorizes that, I'm
kind of useless for about an hour and middle of
the day and I'm drinking coffee. Oh my gosh, Okay,
(30:02):
here we go. That means, Sofia, you have three points.
You ran the table. That means so you get to
make the toughest decision of the day. Do you want
to present your argument first? Or would you like Josh
to kick things off? You know what I'd like to
I'd like to hear Josh. There we go, taking the
home team baseball approach. Josh, you will present your argument first,
and we'll get to that right after this quick break.
(30:35):
The future of podcasting is gonna be great. Can do
it right? Yeah? Will really give us extra time for coffee? Okay,
back today in the food court, we have a hot
take on iced coffee and also hot coffee. Which one
is the true coffee? Let's find out. The way this
works is that each of you will have three minutes
to state your case. During this three minutes, you need
(30:56):
to lay out your case and not focus on your opponents.
This isn't your time to go next getive, that'll come later.
The first three minutes all about the positive of your side.
Does everyone get that? Yeah? Okay. After you both lay
out your case, you'll get a two minute rebuttal to
go as negative and as low as you want to go. Josh,
you're going first. You got three minutes on the clock
to let us know why ice coffee is the best.
(31:17):
Your time starts now. Thank you, Thanks for listening, everybody.
I'm move the mind that a beverage default should be
cold unless there's a functional heat to it. I'm not
gonna say I'll never drink a hot tea with honey
if I have a sore throat. But that's not a beverage.
That's a big mug of medicine. And yes, medicine is
allowed to be delicious. We've all had amoxicillin. Here are
(31:40):
some points in ice coffee's favor. No one has ever
had to sue McDonald's because their coffee was too cold
and cause them bodily harm. Ice cubes give at least
the illusion of partial rehydration when you're caffeinating, if not
actual hydration benefits. I didn't check. It doesn't matter to
my brain. Number three, it tastes good and not gross.
Do I drink ice coffee in the winter, Yeah, because,
(32:03):
like all beverages, I consume it indoors where the temperature
is regulated. If you're drinking coffee outside in the winter,
that's fine. That's a functional heat. As I already talked about,
that's a different ball game. But if you're drinking inside,
it's the same conditions as you drink ice coffee inside
in the summer. Drinking hot coffee in a warm room
(32:23):
is redundant. Drinking it outdoors on a hot day is perverse,
like making love in a full ski suit. Sure, yeah,
some people might do it, but it's for perverts. People
of the ritual of hot coffee, and I'm not going
to say that that there's no comfort to that, but
it is also what people like about joining cults. So
just think about that for a moment. I will concede.
(32:45):
I I want to get ahead of this. I want
to concede that there are some appropriate uses for hot coffee.
Teaching children that some grown up things taste bad and
aren't for them. Yeah, that's one. You could pour a
bunch of hot coffee out of a turret onto an
invading army on the side of your castle. That could work.
You dump out a big glass pot into a mug,
and you make believe you're a detective staying up late
(33:06):
and solving a case, not just a regular sleepy human
who needs a daily stimulant to get through life. Those
are the kind of big, big ones, So In conclusion,
ice coffee is a delicious nectar, perfect free year round consumption,
and hot coffee is simply the thinnest available version of
bean soup. The highest purpose of hot coffee is to
be cooled down to make iced coffee. I thank you
(33:29):
for your service hot coffee, and I thank you for
your time. Listeners. Josh coming in with time left forty
seconds left on the bell. You'll not get it back,
but I don't think you need it. That was to sink.
That was thank you, very well, said, very thank you.
That was a great bean soup. I'll never look at
hot coffee again after hearing that. Lots to think about.
(33:50):
And is it hydrating? I don't know. Is it is
hot coffee a cult? We might soon find out. Three
minutes to let us know why hot coffee is the
only way to have coffee. Your time starts now. As
I mentioned, I love coffee. I got it from my parents,
who have a strong coffee tradition in both of the
cultures they grew up in. My dad growing up in Israel,
(34:13):
actually even before was Israel because he was much older,
and my mother growing up in Holland. You know, but
Thomas Jefferson said coffee is the favorite drink of the
civilized world. And let me tell you what he was
talking about, my friends, hot coffee. That's what Thomas Jefferson
was talking about. You know what I like to say,
My life is a series of little distractions in between coffee,
(34:36):
and I'm having it alone sometimes because you know what
I can in They just go with me on this fantasy.
You wake up in the morning the smell of hot
coffee brewing, you know, that a roma that just waffs
through the air. It's like nutty and it smells earthy,
(34:57):
and it really puts a smile on your face and
you pour it into your mug. Maybe it's a pottery mug, ceramic,
maybe it's a maybe it's a glass mug. And the
way you hold it in your hand and it kind
of lightly warms up your hand as you take that
first soothing sip of this warmth trickling down your throat,
(35:19):
this nutty, earthy elick, sir, that yes, has caffee in it.
That is what the stimulant that also, you know, kind
of gives you a bit of a feeling of being awake.
And that is where you start your day in this
kind of moment of of beauty and being held. It's
like the coffee holds me in the morning with its warmth,
(35:40):
and then the other part of it that I love,
what I say in my life is a little series
of distractions in between. Coffee is going out for coffee
with people, and again it's a warm thing. It's the
conversation that is warm. Is obviously the caffeine that adds
a little bit of energy to it. But what kind
of coffee are you drinking? Are you sipping on something
very cold and sort of like freaking out because you're
(36:03):
like icing down your throat. No, it's this warmth of
like conversation and having a little cappucco or maybe just
like a coffee, and you you taste the warmth of ego.
I can taste that this is like a nice dark roast.
I can taste that it's like a French medium roast.
Or oh, I really love the way this espresso is
so smooth. These are the notes that you get when
(36:25):
the beverage is brewed, how it was always meant to
be brewed, which is hot. It is how it is
done in every European country. It was how it was
first done, the very first indication that coffee was discovered
was in Ethiopia, a warm country, but it was brewed warm.
It was brood warm, my friend, interesting, because that's how
(36:47):
you are supposed to do it, to bring the flavor
out of it. Is Do I do I like water
down coffee? No, I'm there for the taste. I'm there
for the feeling. I'm there for the way it embraces me.
I'm there for the conversation. I'm there for the hanging out.
I am there for the essence in which way it
(37:09):
was originally supposed to be served. I'm not there for
the way that it has been appropriated by America to
make it easier, to make it easier to slurp down,
make it easier on a water down pallet, to make
it I don't I like drinking it to its very
very vast drop. This courts, we'll have to take away
(37:33):
the last I'm sorry, We'll we'll go to the court clerk. Yeah, okay,
we're gonna take off the last couple of seconds of
the argument. But what was said within the three minutes
was striking. Does coffee bring us joy? Is it? Is
it social? Is it? Is it? Is it a warm hug.
Is it traditionally the you know? Is it? Is? This
(37:55):
about tradition and family values and civilization. So many many
deep arguments and so much to think about as we
get into our rebuttals. Josh, you're up now for two minutes.
I have to say it's it's it's pretty close right now.
There are some strong arguments on both sides. They're both
caffeine fueled. Let's be honest. We're not arguing decapits caffe like, Yeah,
(38:20):
we're all we all need that. That's ridiculous here, we
don't just wake up and feel good. Yeah, find me
that person, and I'm gonna say we don't get along. Josh,
you got two minutes to let offear and know why
hot coffee sucks? Your two minutes starts now. Sure, I
think I think one thing that's important to talk about.
(38:40):
I'm going to address affaires arguments directly, because I find
them to be specious and I find them to be unconvincing. Sure,
Thomas Jefferson said coffee is a beverage of the civilized world. Yeah,
that's a nice quote until you think about what that means.
When Thomas Jefferson said it, he means it's a beverage
for white people only. I think that's what it sounds like.
(39:00):
He's said about hot coffee. He probably never had ice
coffee in his life. He lived in Virginia on the
plantation where enslaved people did his labor for him. He
never had to go outside where it was hot. It's fine. Also,
you said, I can't argue with the aroma of a
hot coffee. I think that's a wonderful thing, and that
is certainly a credit. But when you said you smell
(39:23):
that aroma as it's piping hot out of the coffee,
and you take the first sip of coffee and it's
the right temperature, that's inexperienced. No one has. Every time
I've ever taken the first the first sip of a coffee,
it's always been I've let it go too long because
I'm out of practice in near defense and it's been
too cool, or I've taken my first sip and gone, whoa,
(39:44):
this seems another three hours of cooling because it is
the temperature of the sun. Why does it start at
the temperature of the sun, So that doesn't seem that's
not a relaxing, soothing experience to me. Like it's the summer.
I have coffee with frequently. I am wildly unemployed. I
sat outside with a friend today in a COVID safe
(40:08):
environment and drink an ice coffee with my friend Lindsay
for a couple of hours. And if I had drink
hot coffee outside, I would have perished. It would have
been I would have sweated myself to death. So ice
coffee can itself be a communal experience. And yes, Europeans
drink hot coffee. That is a European cultural touchstone, and
(40:32):
I would I would never say that they shouldn't have that.
I will also say Europe doesn't even really have air conditioning.
They just like things to be uncomfortably warm. So ice coffee,
we've improved it. America has improved it. We haven't improved
many things, but we fixed coffee. There. It is Josh
coming in hot coffees too hot? Do Thomas Jefferson someone
(40:57):
should be someone we looked too as inspiration in the
in the beverage world. Perhaps, Oh fear, you got two
minutes to let Josh know why he's wrong again. I'm
I'm on the fence here to be honest. Two minutes
starts now, I can't make any accommodations for the fact
that Josh doesn't know how to take a sip of
coffee at the right temperature. I feel like that is
(41:18):
maybe it's genetic. I'm not really sure, but I'm hoping
that is something that can be improved upon in the future.
You have this mouth that you can blow on something
to alter the temperature of it, should make it perfect,
which is part of the experience. Let's forget about that.
Let's talk about your ice coffee. What I you might say,
coffee has been, you know, colonized. Basically, coffee has been
colonized to make it what it is to be hot
(41:39):
or cold coffee. But can we agree that ice coffee
is the American appropriation of coffee. It is watered it down.
It has made it something that only the weak tastes
of the general population can handle. It's like, it's too hot.
I need to be colder. I feel like it's it's
kind of weird. What about the summer And if you
want to look up a little science, everybody, you actually
(42:01):
should drink a warm beverage in the heat. I know
it doesn't feel in the moment like that makes any sense,
but anyone that ever does anything outside athletically, does not
drink icy cold beverages. It actually does not cause your
body to cool down. But really, here's what I want
to tell you. Ice coffee is the most taxing on
the planet. Okay, the most taxing. He requires double the impact.
(42:24):
There's ice, there's a plastic cup, there's a lid, there's
a straw, and then just because you're watering it down,
you need to breathe brew it double the strength, which
means you're using more beans. The plastic straws are bad
for the plant. We know that the paper straws dissolve
halfway through. So are you drinking coffee? No, you're drinking
a little paper in there too, Okay, that's what's getting
(42:45):
in there. No sweeteners dissolve, So then we have simple syrup,
which really doesn't even dissolve either. It just sinks to
the bottom. And then you said, you know, oh it's
nice to hold something in my hand. Oh my god,
let me ask you this. Does everyone here like a
wet hand? Who here likes a wet hand? That's what
you have all the time, a wet hand, constantly a
wet hand, wet hand. So I don't find that at all. Great.
(43:09):
Oh that was the bell. I've got more coming in
coming in hots understandably here in this argument, I'd like
the band wet Leg, but I was thinking wet hands,
wet hand for wet leg. Wet hand is stuff, alright,
(43:30):
A lot, a lot to mull over here. Please please
sit in silence. Well, I go to my chambers. Go
to my chambers, gather my Thoughts'll take a quick break.
I'll come back with our verdict. Okay, we are back,
(43:52):
and I've had a chance to think long and hard
about this verdict. But before I let you know what
this court has decided, I will of each of you,
Josh and a Fear, a chance to either persuade me
to come back over the other side or continue to
convince me to your argument. Josh, anything you'd like to
say here to wrap things up, Yeah, there is something
(44:13):
I'd like to say. You're talking about a FIA is
talking about weakness, about wanting the world to conform to
what's comfortable for you. That's what being alive is. It's
wanting to feel good. And if ice coffee makes you
feel good for a moment of the day, you should
allow that joy into your life. And not take it
as a sign of weakness, but rather an accommodation in
(44:36):
the increasingly inhospitable world. And if you had to pick
one to do all day right or all year, if
you had to pick, I'm gonna I'm only gonna ever
have ice coffee. If you're a person that's on the fence,
I'm only ever gonna have hot coffee. I think the
number of circumstances that hot coffee is unpleasant is so
much more compared to the number of circumstances in which
ice coffee is an unpleasant. So if you've got to
(44:58):
take a side, I think just numeric. This is the
way to go, playing out the whole calendar, all of
the seasons, Josh wrapping things up quite nicely. Thank you
nice and a nice little plastic container to be concerned
whenever you want during the year. There was no real
defensive that what do you have to say that you
haven't said already because you said a lot. I just
(45:19):
don't like the taste of ice coffee. It doesn't taste
like coffee. I mean, it's just not real coffee. It
is literally diluted coffee. And then you know I was saying,
like I love a coffee, a mug of coffee to
the last drop. You know what happens with a nice coffee,
You never finish it. At one point you just decide
that it's too gross because basically you've drunk all the
(45:40):
coffee that is in it, more or less, and then
you've just got a cup of ice that you throw away,
like you know, like there's gonna be water on the
planet for the rest of the Earth. You're like Earth,
look at me, just throwing away water after I had
my like double brood in a plastic cup with a
straw and a lid iced coffee. Because for I be
even happiness and emotion that I will agree is not
(46:04):
complex enough. Well said, Well said Josh. And if you're
throwing down, remind me of a moment I'm not too
happy about. I just have to get this off my chest.
Crystal is. One time I went on a trip. I
parked my car at the airport parking lot. I had
an ice coffee. My car stayed out for four days
in the in the in the blazing sun, came back
and I had a hot coffee and I still enjoyed it.
(46:27):
That's how much I love coffee. Wow, that I took
ice coffee that turned into a hot coffee, and I
still enjoyed it because I love coffee. Of all, can
you drink black coffee? Which I think makes that possible
and not completely disruptive to your digestives. That is true
in all fairness, it's black coffee. If there was some
dairy product in there, that would not have ended the
same way. I would like to say this is against
(46:49):
my own argument, but an ice coffee in a car
is really the only way to have a coffee in
the car if you're driving. M back to the whole McDonald's,
no one, mules, let's beverage again. This court has had
a lot to think about. It comes to the threat.
(47:11):
Actually I'm grabbing drink alcohol of you. Listen, it's not's
of great points. That's a great points, crystal. This one
is tough. And that that just reminded it's hot coffee,
dangerous ice coffee? H Is it being soup? Is it
(47:31):
a colt? So many things that Josh brought up. We
nullified the whole Thomas Jefferson bit, that's got to be
taken out of here. Fear on the other side, really
painting the pictures was anyone else in the middle of
like the folder's commercial, you're coming downstairs. It's it's Christmas morning,
and someone made your your your sibling came home. They
were they weren't supposed to be home for the holidays.
But you smell the aroma even in instant coffee. You're
(47:54):
painting a picture. It's a it's a it's a it's
a Norman Rockwell, it's just it's Americana. It's civilized. And
maybe it's more tasty, right, it is hot coffee more delicious.
Give your social time with friends more delicious when it's hot.
So much to think about, and this court really, at
the end of the day, broke it down to two
of the most compelling parts of this argument. I like
(48:15):
coffee in each way, but this court will side in
favor of hot coffee. I feel listen, it's a victory
I would like to share with my friend Josh, because
your graciousness, because I feel true to my I feel
(48:39):
true to my person here, and I know that when
Josh says he drinks ice coffee around that he is
not making that up. He's the only person on the
planet that deserves to drink ice coffee because most people
are like a little willy nilly with it. But he's
the only person that tries to make it a connoisseur situation.
Thank you. So I would just like to say that, Josh,
although I think everybody else other than you arguing this,
(49:01):
I would just nipe up the spilled coffee with them.
But you, I mean, you're you're close friends. I've said it,
this is an iced coffee. And you know what I'm doing.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow morning. I'm having on
a hot coffee, even in the middle of the summer.
Because that's how compelling the argument was. It came down
I don't usually reveal what it really came down to it,
(49:22):
but it came down to the science of hot foods.
Should you have hot foods in hot weather? That's a
great point. And then the aroma and aroma is really
with this came down to, is you can you really
get a roma from a cold grew coffee? It is
to unless you spill it, and then it's like, oh
my pants smell have that nice coffee aroma? Oh my gosh.
(49:48):
I know that I have offended so many people out
there with my decision, and you can tell me all
about it on the the Instagram page for food Court.
Thank you so much for listening to Food Court. I'm
Richard bla Is and I have been your judge. Thank
you so much for both of you for being here
for more. O Fia be sure to check out her
new podcast Parenting as a Joke, and you can catch
(50:08):
your telling stories on the Moth and headlining stand up
shows of course, and you can find her across social
at O Feira E to catch more. Josh be sure
to stream his stand up special People Pleaser and check
out his book Nice Try Stories of Best Intentions and
Mixed Results and across social media at Josh Gondwoman. Thank
(50:29):
you so much for hanging out with us and giving
us so much time and really confusing me, confusing the
hell out of me today. This was a tough than
pretty easy. It's hard battle and I nothing more respect
to fire, nothing but respect back to you Josh and
to you Richard, and I want to ask you all
to do one thing for me and report back, which
is the next time you go to a movie, do
not get popcorn or a soft drink. Get a coffee.
(50:53):
Sat in a movie theater with a coffee. It's amazing.
I'm feeling like there's a brand endorsement coming your way.
Anyone else feel and like someone needs a calling is
going to happen. Find me on social media at Richard Blaze.
Food Court is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm
Richard Blaze. My producer is Crystal Bamahi. Food Court was
created by Christopher Hasiotis. The rest of my food Court
(51:14):
clerks are Jonathan Dressler, David Wasserman, and Jasmine Blaze. The
theme song is by Jason N. Smith. For more Podcasts
for podcast which is the name of my new podcast,
and then for Sure Yeah. Shout out to the seafood podcast,
cot Speed everyone from our podcasts from my Heart Radio,
visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
(51:35):
you listen to your favorite shows. With Rage Show
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