May 19, 2023 • 61 mins
While honesty is a component in solidifying relationships, Caroline had to keep some financial secrets from her husband to make their finances work (because married life is not always filled with great laughter and romantic late-night talks.) Still, there is a greater challenge in fulfilling one’s role in the marriage and responsibility with their family. In this episode, we hear from Caroline about why and how she kept financial secrets and what it meant for them.
🎙️ Get full show notes here!
https://bit.ly/41Fb1JU
📑 Get our FREE Modern Frugal Living eBook here!
https://www.frugalfriendspodcast.com/ebook
📣 Submit your bill of the week and get a shoutout from us
https://www.frugalfriendspodcast.com/bill-of-the-week/
💸 Check out our monthly challenge community
http://www.frugalfriendspodcast.com/club
👉🏼 Subscribe for more on YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/frugalfriends
💃🏼 Hang out with us on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/frugalfriendspodcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Episode three eleven, Keeping Financial Secrets from your Spouse with
Caroline Bensel.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to
save money, embrace simplicity and life. Here your hosts Jen
and Jill.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Welcome to the Frugal Friends Podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
My name is Jill and my.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Name is Alison aka Jen.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Now, yeah, kind of Jen.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
We've got Alison again as a stand in co host
as Jen is still out on parental leave caring for
the beautiful babe she birthed. But she'll be back soon.
You'll be hearing from Jen again in the June episodes
and beyond. But Alison from Inspired Budget, who was all
(00:58):
over the Internet Instagram a podcast by the same name,
is here and she's not just a fellow person in
the personal finance space, but a friend. And yes, so
we're so excited and this has gone so well. Both
this time and the last time Jen gave birth. You
were a standing co host, so just the ride er Die,
(01:20):
the tried and true.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Thanks for being here.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
I'm here for any massive life changes.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yes, and we're going to bring in another friend, Caroline,
who will give a bit of an intro to but
we are going to be talking about keeping financial secrets
from spouse's how that can go awry what Caroline story is.
But first, this episode is brought to you by Secrets,
those juicy little nuggets of information that you share with
(01:48):
just a few people, but inevitably it leaks out to
a larger crowd. Well, Secrets aren't doing.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
So hot these days.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I mean, it didn't work for Victoria, and it's certainly
not going flawlessly for the deodorant company. So Secrets is
running a new campaign that's more about generosity and vulnerability
and sharing those previously hidden messages. And if you like
the sound of Secrets revealed, then you're gonna love Money
(02:18):
Made Easy. This is Allison's newest book, where she dispels
the myth that money is complicated and shares how you
can experience ease in your personal finance secrets. No more
hushed talking. Instead, try enjoyable reading.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Money May be Easy.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Money Made available at all bookstores, Amazon and Barnton, Dooble
dot com.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Oh beautiful Allison, and even the library. And if your
library doesn't have it, tell your library to buy it.
Tell them to buy thousands of copies.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Absolutely everyone should get it.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
If this conversation about money with partners is something that
you really want to dig into a little bit more. Certainly,
stay with us because this is a really good conversation.
But also que up episode two thirty one being frugal
with a non frugal partner. I know a lot of
us feel the pain there. We're on board with getting
(03:09):
our finances in order, but we might have a partner
who's not. So listen into that one. Got some great
tips for you, and episode one twenty six, Healthy Financial
Boundaries with Family and Friends takes a little bit different
of a perspective on how can we set in place
some of these important boundary lines that are going to
be protective for us when it comes to our personal finances.
(03:32):
But again, stay here with us because Caroline is really amazing.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
We have had her on the show before.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
She is a money saving expert, especially when it comes
to her family of six living on one income after
becoming a teen mom. She is a master of living
on a tight budget and still having and living a
full life. So now as a six figure entrepreneur, she
works from home and teaches other women how to make
their money work for them and to take charge of
(04:01):
their own financial lives.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
She is going to.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Dig deeper with us about some of the decisions she
made with her husband early on in marriage, how she
kept some financial secrets, what that meant for them in
their financial life, and kind of what she might do
differently now looking back. But I don't want to give
away too much about it. Just it's a good conversation.
So let's dig in. Caroline, welcome. We are so excited
(04:33):
to have you back again.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
We can't get enough.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Oh, I'm so glad to be back. Thank you for
having me.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We are talking about something quite salacious, even in Jen's absence,
So we're really going out on a limb here, like
I know, the cats or the cats away, the mice
and mice tagging into some hot takes and you're here
for it. I got some too amazing females here chatting
(05:02):
about this stuff. So talking about finances with our spouse,
some of the things that we've done that maybe aren't
so good but maybe still work, some of the things
that maybe we would do differently. But first, can we
just start with your story. We're talking about, you know,
your personal experience of hiding money from your spouse, What happened,
(05:24):
what led to that, just you know, we've got our coffee.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
I know, let's just digrade the tea. I actually Caroline
has the tea. We have the coffee perfect.
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Well.
Speaker 5 (05:38):
So hi everybody, I'm Caroline, And my story basically starts
when I was a freshman in college, like two years
or two months into my freshman year, I met my
now husband, and so I'm eighteen. I had just graduated
high school like six months before we met and had
an absolute world wind romance and got engaged like this
(06:01):
is my person and then promptly got pregnant, and so
we were kind of forced into this situation where we
probably wouldn't have had to talk about finances or like
what it means to be kind of like financial partners
in a relationship for probably at least a year or so,
but nope, we were just thrown right into it. And
(06:21):
it turns out that we were pretty different in our
finances and in the way that we thought about money
and in the way that we were brought up. We
viewed our gender roles are like personality types, what we
were entitled to do and have with our finances, and so,
wouldn't you know it, that wound up leading to a
(06:43):
lot of friction for us. We wound up butting heads
constantly when it comes to finances, and it wasn't really
until probably like after our son was born. About like
six months after our son was born, I started getting
hit with overdraft fees in my bank because I wasn't
paying attention to it because I was at home with
(07:04):
the child. I wasn't spending money, and so turns out
my savings account had been completely depleted because my husband
was just swiping that card constantly. And he's a great guy.
Let me be clear, I love my husband. We were
in a much much better place now. We've been together
since twenty or two twenty ten, I guess, I don't
know two thousand and nine. It was a long time ago.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
But we can't even count that fire.
Speaker 5 (07:29):
I know he started throwing around like we're gonna be
the other like fifteen years, and like you got a backup.
I'm too young for that. But we had these kinds
of like conversations really kind of forcefully, and it was
it was kind of this moment of like, what did
you husband do to my finances? There's no more money?
(07:52):
And his come up was, I work, so I should
be able to spend my money how I want. And
that makes total sense when you're you know, twenty five
and single, when you're in a relationship, when you're in
a partnership, and when you have a family, that does
tend to change financial dynamics and just kind of relational
(08:12):
dynamics as well, And so that was really difficult for
him to overcome mentally. So it was still very much
a this is my money, I work for it, I
should be able to spend it. And here I come
be in the voice of reason, like we need to
buy diapers for this baby.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
We had a body trained yet he's only three, yes.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
And when he is body's trained, he's gonna want food,
he's gonna get out, he needs clothes. And so this
was a lot for my husband at the time to
process and we really really fought for a long time.
And something for him that was really difficult to get
past was the idea of not just like, you know,
it's my money, but there wasn't really a future that
(08:59):
was possible in his mind. It was like, I'm just
gonna spend because I make eleven dollars an hour, Like
what's the point of even trying to save anything that
I would save would be like a dollar, So what's
the point, I'll just spend it. And that's not my
come up. I'm the saver, he's the spender. And so,
needless to say, we wound up with a lot of
(09:20):
a lot of butting heads, a lot of threats of divorce,
of leaving, and ultimately wound up in a lot of
therapy that helped a lot, and now we are in
a lot better place financially in our marriage and our
relationship together. But it did start pretty rocky. Not gonna lie, Oh, I.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
Have a question. Actually, actually it's not a question. It's
more of an observation. You said, Caroline that your husband
was thinking, I make this money, I deserve to spend
it how I want. I feel like that's not like
I feel like a lot of people feel that way,
whether they're single or married, And it's kind of like this,
we put in the work and the effort, and now
(10:02):
I should be able to spend the money how I
want and I don't want anyone else to tell me
how to do it. And I want to be able
to buy what I want to buy. And I say
that all from experience as well, Like I felt that way.
I think that's definitely normal. So oh yeah, And I'm guessing,
like because I know whenever y'all were doing this back then,
this is not whenever I feel like therapy was popular.
(10:22):
I know you guys didn't go to therapy back then.
You probably didn't honestly have the budget for it. So
you're in a better place, You're in a different place.
He sees things differently. How did you get there? How
did you get him there? Over to the bright side
to leave the dark side.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
If you will.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
So this is kind of where it gets a little salacious,
as you'll put it so very well and actually put
it earlier. I started after we had this huge knockdown,
drag out fight about like there is no future, why
would I bother saving? And I had kind of hit
this moment of I am not going to be living
paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I
(11:04):
was like twenty one at the time, by the way,
like I was like twenty or twenty one at this point.
I'm like, I cannot fathom that I will live until
I'm in my nineties, because all my grandparents are in
their nineties. God blessom, Like, I'm not going to live
paycheck to paycheck until I die, It's not going to happen.
And so that was the moment when I realized, I'm like,
either you're going to do this with me, or I'm
(11:27):
going to do this and you're going to come along
for the ride. Now let me before we get anywhere.
I am not advocating financial abuse in any way, shape
or form, like this is just happened to work in
my situation. But we'll talk about that in a second.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
You're advocating boundaries there were, whether it's boundaries and a
marriage or boundaries that you put on yourself inside of marriage.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
Yes's and it's kind of a it was a forceful
help in the right pla direction. That is how I
try to view it. But ultimately, what I started doing
was I started giving my husband's debit card a limit,
a daily limit.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
He couldn't exceed.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
Twenty dollars a day, and it had a twenty dollars
from our primary checking account limit. Each week, it would
he would transfer twenty dollars onto his debit card and
that was all the money that he had for the week.
Now did he know about this, Yes, he did.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
He had to be nowhere.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
It was it was a rough first few weeks where
he would blow through all of that money on Monday
and then be like, well, I don't have any money
for work for the rest of the week for lunch.
I'm like, you have food at home? We just spent
all this money on groceries.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Like that's no fun, I know, but yeah.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
Well, where did you come up with a twenty dollars limit?
Speaker 5 (12:50):
That was what we felt that he could afford and
that was reasonable. And again, this was, you know, back
in twenty eleven or something, So call it fifteen dollars,
or call it twenty five dollars, call it forty dollars,
whatever makes sense to you. That's what worked for us.
And that was again we were making eleven twelve dollars
an hour at the time. And I know that nobody
(13:12):
does that anymore. I totally know that. But for us,
that was all that we could reasonably afford. That in
my head, was enough for him to buy the food
that he wanted for the week. Still feel like he
could splurge, Like if you wanted to go to Burger
King or whatever was around the corner from work, you can.
You have that kind of freedom, but you can't do
(13:33):
it every single day for lunch and then after work
or then before work or whatever it was. So it
was enough to feel like he was able to do
what he wanted without going over.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Okay, so you set the limit, he begrudgingly obliged.
Speaker 5 (13:47):
Yeah, and what else? So that was when I started
moving money from our checking account into a savings account
that was separate from our checking account, so there was
no possible way that there was like an overdraft and
it would just take that money out. This was a
completely separate account, and each week on payday, I had
an automatic withdrawal and deposit set up from checking to savings.
(14:12):
So let's say it was one thousand dollars paycheck for
that week, two hundred dollars would directly go into savings immediately,
so it only looked like there was eight hundred dollars left.
And so once all the bills were paid in everything
and the card spids and it got declined because there
was no money, he's like, oh, I guess there's no money.
I'll just stop.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
But he didn't know.
Speaker 5 (14:34):
He did not know that that money was moving.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
So you were setting aside about twenty percent of his
net pay, and he had no idea. So here he
is going along thinking, oh, we're in the exact same position.
We are making the exact same amount of we have enough,
We're in the exact same position, we have the exact
same amount of spending money. But then you have Caroline
(14:57):
over there and stand in a dark corner squirrelings exactly saying, ah,
I'm going to take us on a family vacation or
something like. And you don't even know about it?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Is that what it was? Okay, how long did you
do this for?
Speaker 5 (15:14):
It was? It was for I don't even remember how
long it was because it was twenty percent right off
the top, and if you worked any overtime at all,
right in there immediately, Like so if he worked extra
time and a half right into the savings account. He's like, ma'am,
we're going through money pretty quick.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
I'm like, yeah, it's all that burger king you're getting
before work and afterwork. So I'm I'm curious because I'm
I'm not like against separate finances. I'm not even against
separate accounts in terms of you know, my husband has
a separate checking account that is his spending money. I
pay him as a contractor. He gets to spend that money.
(15:50):
However it is I don't have access to it. Did
he have access to this savings account? Or was it
just Caroline Vensel's name only and that that's it.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
I'm just curious. So this is the.
Speaker 5 (16:01):
Fun part, which is if he actually logged in, Oh
my goodness, right there. I the amount of times I
have given this man, and I love this man, the
amount of times I have given him. I'm like, this
is your account log it's on your phone. You can
look at it. He's never done it once, never done it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, so he could have done if he wanted to.
You weren't doing acrobatics to count this information from him.
But even if you were, and I hear you saying,
I don't recommend you know this form of secrecy. But
it's more of a surprise than it is this kind
(16:44):
of abusive financial situation. It's, you know, kind of some
of the things that we might do in relationships to
give a nice gift to somebody. Again, this does speak
to other issues and we're not using yeah as a
Oh here's a hot tip on how you like start
(17:05):
your savings account if your spouse isn't on board. This
is one of those like sell them what they want,
give them what they need.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Situation.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Yes, So with that, what is there something different that
you would have done looking back and looking at maybe
the realities or someone else is in a similar situation
where there's just not buy in for the financial pieces
that need to come together.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
What to do is like is.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
It like I don't know?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yeah, I guess just like squirrel it away and don't
tell your partner or or is there something looking back
you could say I could have done this differently?
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah. I am a huge advocate of therapy, and finding
a therapist that is covered by your insurance plan helps
to mitigate some of that cost. We learned that when
we started looking into therapists, we thought it was going
to be like two hundred dollars an hour. It was
twenty with our Copey So that changed a lot. I
know right, what I know are.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
A lot who will operate on a slaving sliding scale fee.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Yea, So it's yeah, And.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
That was my big thing. If I could go back,
I would find a therapist who was capable of helping
with not like helping with finances, but really our therapist
when we lived in Pennsylvania. I love our therapist. He
was the only person who was ever able to get
through in asher for my husband. It was a lot
(18:33):
of people who were kind of just like, you know,
the man is supposed to understand finances. I'm like, but
this one doesn't. This model does not like I need,
I need more than just like this is supposed to
be something that they know it's like, but it's not.
It's not. And he was never taught it. And so
I went in assuming that he would know finances. And
(18:53):
I was like blown away that I was so wrong.
But I don't recommend like hiding things from your spouse.
I believe leave that marriage and any kind of a relationship,
it should be a partnership. You should have these kinds
of conversations. But I also had heard this, and this
is when I started saving the money and scurolling it
away was clean up your side of the street first
(19:14):
and then wait to see how people react to it.
And so I was like, I'm going to do this
for me. I'm going to do this for myself, for
our son, for our future. And so I started saving
and it was when it got to one thousand dollars
in the savings account, like we didn't really feel a
great deal of a pinch. And that was when I
told him about it. And it wasn't until we had
(19:35):
hit that and it was it was probably like six months. Again,
we were like not making a lot of money at
all at the time.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
But still, that's that's incredible.
Speaker 5 (19:43):
Yeah, And so when I told him about it, I again,
he's not a violent person at all, but he was upset.
He was like, why were you hiding money from me?
It was like, because you would have spent it all.
And once he really like stopped and was like, oh
my gosh, So wait, you're telling me that in six
months we were able to save one thousand dollars and
(20:06):
I didn't really even notice it. I'm like, yes, now
you get it. Now you understand that with a little
bit of intentionality, we can actually plan for a future.
We can save, we can go on these vacations that
we want to and we don't have to live paycheck
to paycheck and that's just what we have to accept.
(20:28):
But that's kind of like I do a huge advocate
for going to therapy if you feel like you're struggling
and you want to make your relationship work and neither
one of you are seeing eye to eye, and even
if you feel like you're in the right one hundred percent,
seek third party help, have somebody who can be a
what is it called, like a mediator mediator to be
(20:48):
in that middle place, to be like, okay, so you're
both kind of a little bit right, let's find some
middle ground.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
So yeah, I love that tip too, because so often,
and it's not just about the money. I think we
can assume, oh no, we just have to figure out
how to crunch these numbers better.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
We don't have to go pay somebody.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
To let us talk to them. We can figure this
out on our own. But the reality is is often
it's deeper than that. It will touch on other relational
dynamics cycles, patterns of relating issues within the marriage that
may or may not even be connected to finances, But
by addressing those, you're going to experience some breakthroughs when
(21:36):
it comes to finances. So absolutely, I can't can't it
enough and I will Also, this is my little side
tangent say that to go to therapy and couple's therapy
doesn't mean you're locked in for forever. You're going weekly
and with no end in sight, and you're just hemorrhaging
cash to this person that you're sitting on a couch with,
(21:59):
quite the opposite, and you could state goals from the
start about what is it that we want to talk
about and resolve and set a target end date together.
It could be that you're able to talk through the
issue in three months, and it might not even mean
that you're going weekly. It could be twice a month,
once a month. So there really is a way to
(22:20):
make it financially feasible if this is something that's being faced,
and I think I want to highlight too. While this
isn't your story of the financial secret being something that
puts you into financial ruin, quite the.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Opposite, which is the best version.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
All the secret is surprise, we've got money saved. But
you know, for many there's financial secrets where it's it's
the other end of the spectrum of we're going into debt,
they're spending you don't know about. There's these things that
I'm keeping hidden on purpose, and there might be a
little bit of yeah, maybe not intentional maliciousness to it,
(22:56):
but there's harm happening. And so either end of the spectrum,
either whether you're in a situation where you feel like
I have to save and I have to keep it
from my spouse because they're just not on board. Or
I'm spending or I'm going into debt and I feel
so ashamed and I don't want to talk to my
spouse about it either. One we can, there can be
(23:19):
room for hope and conversation, and yes, a therapist can
help there.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So I'm a well plug.
Speaker 4 (23:26):
And I will also say I love your story, particularly
because I feel like it's this underdog story of your
husband was the one that you would assume would never
get on board and appreciate saving because he loves spending.
And once he saw what was possible, there was this
total mindset shift, this light bulb, if you will. Maybe
(23:48):
the clouds parted in the heavens shone down on him,
I don't know. But he saw what was possible and
he was able to make that change in his thinking,
which I think all of us are capable of doing.
But you don't always believe in ourselves enough. Yeah, sometimes
we need our handheld a little bit to do that,
and that's what you were there to do. So Caroline,
thank you. I love I love your story. I think
(24:10):
it's wonderful. I think that it's a great lesson for
other people in what they what is hope for their
possible partnership. And then also just an idea of like, Okay,
Caroline did it this way, she handled it this way.
It worked out in the end, but maybe my husband
or my spouse partner wouldn't like that, So let me
pivot to do something a little bit different but hopefully
(24:31):
have the same outcome.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
Yeah, and it is possible. We are people that are
capable of change. Everybody is capable of change, and sometimes
it does just take that little bit of a mindset tweak.
And I did kind of force my husband's hand. Oh
my goodness, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
There's a kiddie.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
I did force my husband's hand in this in our
kind of relationship dynamic. But it did wind up being
something for the better and it did wind up teaching
him a lot. And I just said this the other day.
I said this before we started recording to jenn and Allison.
I'm like, he said something the other day about like, oh,
and we can save more money if we do this,
and I was like, oh, swoon, wait stop, did you
(25:10):
just say that you could save money? You're like planning
on ways to save Yes, tell me more like cook
me dinner while I just look at you and you
can talk about saving money.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Like we can move towards collaboration, we can get better
in our partnership, which is beautiful, and yes, that is
that is some hot marriage.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Stuff, righty, right.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
One of the things to go back and dig into
your story a little bit, because I'm just curious over
here there's a I think unique part of what you're
saying and others might experience this too, where you're talking about, Okay,
you got to clean up your side of the street first,
which I one hundred percent agree with. I think where
(25:59):
the rub can come and I'd be curious your perspective
and what you might recommend to other people in this
situation where that mindset of well, I'm the bread winner,
Like if you're in a one income household and one
of the spouses is making the money, and let's say
it's that spouse who doesn't have their kind of saving
(26:22):
cap on, and it's the spouse who's taking care of
the household, who might not be working for money at
the time, being the one trying to drive some important
financial decisions, what do you recommend for that specific rub
what does cleaning up my side of the street if
I'm not the one earning the money.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
So to speak.
Speaker 5 (26:46):
So I'm a little bit petty. I'm a little bit petty,
And so I googled the salary of a stay at
home mom. Nice. It was like, so, just so we're clear,
you go to work for eight hours, not diminishing that
in the least. He worked in a steel fabrication shut stop.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
I know, like, please, don't like, I appreciate it, but
you do this. I'm on call from eyes open to
eyes closed, and in the middle of the night, if
somebody gets sick, They're not waking you up, They're waking
me up. And so I did what I thought was reasonable.
I'm like, I'm at home all day making food, cleaning, cooking,
(27:32):
taking care of kids, picking up dog poop, all of
those things that you would have had to hire someone
to do if it weren't me. And that helped also
for him to see a lot of the invisible work
that does go on. I have heard of people. No,
I did not do this because I I wouldn't because
(27:53):
I'm a little bit of a perfectionist. But I've heard
people going on like a cleaning strike or like a
doing oh my gosh, your spouse strike to prove the
value of being that stay at home partner. I did
not do that because I know that nothing would get
done and that would stress me out.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You'd be probably fine with it.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
They bother you more, I know, right, So that was
not something that I did. But what I did do
was show him the how much a stay at home
mom makes. And I think salary dot count has that,
so you all, I know, right, And it was something screwy,
like one hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year or something.
I can't remember what it was, but that was a
(28:33):
big thing for him to be able to see, like
all of this stuff, and sometimes it doesn't exactly get through.
Sometimes people are a little bit dense and that's okay,
and sometimes that's just not how they communicate. And sometimes
you're fighting an uphill battle against their work environment too.
My husband worked a blue collar job. He's around guys
who are in blue collar jobs, and typically that machismo
(28:56):
of like I make the rules, I'm the man of
the house is something that we had to fight against
because everybody, if everybody's doing it, it's like if everybody's
going out to lunch and nobody else's wife says, here's
your twenty dollars bill for the whole week. It does
seem kind of not unfair, but also kind of unfair.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (29:15):
And so for him that was something that he had
to go to therapy individually for to kind of be
able to see outside of that mold. We don't have
a typical relationship in a lot of different situations, Like
I manage all of the finances, and god bless him,
he doesn't. I'm like, this is how much money we have,
and all the bills are paid. He's like, thumbs up,
(29:36):
that's good. Rights. That's the extent of his role, and
he knows it. And so I do still like, I
keep coming back to therapy. I keep coming back to
having somebody in your corner being able to help you,
being able to help your partner, being able to help
your spouse, being able to help your family, whatever you
want to look at it as, Yeah, being able to
bring some kind of like a voice of reason to
(29:58):
that conversation, because sometimes it does take a little bit
of work. Sometimes it does take somebody who has also
been in that situation. I can't be saying you need
to work at this. It needs to be somebody that
they know and trust who's like, dude, this is a problem.
Listen to your wife and he's like, I see what
you mean. Like that was what our therapist did. And
(30:19):
I'm like, it took probably seven years into our marriage
before a therapist was like, dude, you are you are
actually being problematic? Do you see that? He's like, I
see your point, Like.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Yeah, you get a lot of it's a lot of ego.
It's a lot of dealing with your own ego and
facing it. Yeah, it sounds like and that's hard work.
And it sounds like he did the hard work, which
is great.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah, and I think that the secret is what brought
to light. Okay, this actually needs to be looked at.
I do think that there are some times, while maybe
not a tip to replicate, but there are some times
where something drastic needs to happen to shake the thing up.
You know, while we all don't want crisis events in
(31:04):
our lives, so often, the pivot point that we all
point back to are those very events. You know, when
I lost my job or I had to move, the
housing market crash and it's these things were really awful.
We don't want to replicate them, we don't wish them
on anybody else. But if there's any silver lining in it,
(31:26):
it highlights this thing, and I think too, to remove
some of the mystery out of this thing that we
keep coming back to of. If you keep coming to
a dead end, seek out therapy, seek out a mediator.
What that's going to do is find the inroads of negotiation,
help somebody see, help each partner see where the other
(31:48):
one is coming from that you may not be able
to get to on your own, and create those spaces
for each other to exist in ways that are kind
to both parties that sometimes we can't do on our own.
Speaker 5 (32:01):
So yes, yeah, yes, yeah, And not even just that,
but like because of the the concept of like I
didn't want to give him any money when we were
initially starting. I'm like, no, you just don't go to
like what's wrong with you? Like, no money, don't go
to Burger King. He's like, no, that's not see that
would I see it? Face this spire is like that's
(32:22):
not happening.
Speaker 3 (32:23):
You can't deprive him.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
And if someone did that to me, I would be like, Okay,
I'm gonna spend all the money. Then you tell me
I can't spend anything, I'm a spend it at all.
That's what I would be like. And that's I mean,
you know, I had an allowance as well. It was
a self imposed allowance, but it was a self imposed
allowance I gave myself after being told, you know, telling
myself you're not gonna spend anything, and it's just not.
Speaker 5 (32:46):
Realistic, it's not And that was kind of part of that.
That kind of like a dynamic. It is an ebb
and flow. It is finding in roads, it is finding compromise.
It's saying you can have twenty dollars instead of zero.
These are the two ours that we can go with
and finding that middle ground and being able to accommodate,
like you do want to feel like I make the money,
(33:08):
I should be able to spend it how I want. Yeah,
that's giving him that ability without completely stripping it away
and emasculating him and making him go without something that
he really enjoyed once a week. It just makes it
more important because instead of it being every day, it
is just once in a while, But you still have
that choice. That's the big thing.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Speaking of doing what I want and something that we
love to get once or twice a week, usually twice
a week.
Speaker 5 (33:41):
Oh, where are we going here? Where are we going here?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
That's right for the best minute of your entire week.
Speaker 4 (34:03):
Maybe a baby was.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Born and his name is Williams. Maybe you've paid off
your mortgage, maybe your car died, and you're happy to
not have to pay that bill anymore. That bills, Buffalo bills,
Bill Clinton, this is the bill of the week.
Speaker 3 (34:20):
We'reting good at that.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That was adorable, all right, Caroline, You know the drill
every week.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
Multiple times a week.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
God our yass or our listeners to share their bill
of the week. And because this time you're a guest
and not just a listener, the honor is yours.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
What's your bill?
Speaker 5 (34:43):
Well?
Speaker 3 (34:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (34:44):
My bill is actually my father in law of Bill,
who has a YouTube channel that I think now has
one hundred and twenty five thousand subscribers. Nice, I know,
and it's so cute he has on their mantle. He
has his plaque from YouTube. But wait, it's kind of
like off to the side and behind a plant. It's
like a humble brag right.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Yah.
Speaker 5 (35:06):
I love to still see it, but kind of an
ambient guitar channel. You should check it out.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Oh, yes, what's it called?
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Chords of Orion Hords chord cords ambient guitar Orion Orion
Chords of Orion like a guitar, Chord of Orion like
a constellation.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Wow, we're gonna shoot up that subscriber ship. He used
to have a plaque behind a plant.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
That's I know, have another go that's right now that
one gets to be in front of the plant.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Oh, Carol Aara, you are just feeding me what I
want bills that are real bills, and especially when they're
father in law's with a following and a.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Unique niche setting on YouTube tube. Oh this is beautiful.
Speaker 5 (36:02):
He's awesome words of oryon if you're monetizing it. Of
course he is a hi. Good for him and he
gets he gets like alhar pedal.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Let's have a gre business meeting for Bill.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
I know, right?
Speaker 4 (36:15):
Can we talk about his five year plan?
Speaker 3 (36:19):
How does he want to grow it? What does he
see for the future?
Speaker 6 (36:22):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Well, if you're listening and you happen to have a
father in law named Bill with a huge following on YouTube,
or you just happen to pay off a bill, or
you like carrying wads of bills in your pocket. Hopefully
it's dollar bills and not like a bunch of actual
people named Bill in your pocket. I don't know. I
don't know what you do, though, we're here for it.
(36:45):
Submit it to us. We love listening. Visit Frugal Friends
podcast dot com slash bill. Leave us your bill. Were
ready for it, and now it's time for the lighting around.
Speaker 4 (37:01):
Oh my favorite part of the show.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
That you've come to enjoy it, Alison, I have. I've
come to enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
Really, she can't. Don't listen to her.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
She knows something about my loud noise, my loud aggressive noises.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
But where else am I going to get it out?
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (37:17):
She's got to just accept you for you, you know, And
that's what I do. I accept you for everything that
you are. Jen, if you're listening, just love her for it,
not in spite of it.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
I live in Florida now, but there's still a little
filly there.
Speaker 5 (37:33):
There you go, There you go. We are loud, aren't we?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
So this lightning round as this is the part Jen like,
she wants to make it vulnerable.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
So hats off to you, Jen.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
We're still honoring you in your absence, What something you
do now to communicate effectively with your spouse about finances?
Caveat here, none of us are saying that we've arrived,
that we all haven't figured out communicating finances with our spouse.
But what for you all all answer to is working
(38:07):
when it comes to some of these more difficult financial conversations.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
Okay, Carol, first, Okay, I'll make a first.
Speaker 4 (38:15):
I was like, I already know what I'm going to say,
filled out. No, if you're ready the Google doc spill it. Okay.
So what has worked with my husband and I is
being direct but without judgment. So one thing that I
sometimes maybe every now and then, okay all the time
do is I make assumptions that he knows what I'm
(38:38):
thinking or feeling, especially what I'm thinking, because if I'm
thinking it, it only makes sense that he's thinking it too,
because I'm always right right. Well, Unfortunately, he can't read
my mind, and so there's a lot of times when
it comes to our money or even other areas of
our life where we have to be very direct in saying,
here's what I want this money to go to, or
(39:01):
here's the goal I want to work on or here's
what I want to change. And we are very direct
so that way there's no guessing. There's no question on oh,
did you really mean this instead but you said that. No,
there's none of that. But we do it in a
way that is very judgment free. So there have been
(39:21):
times when I have been overspending and he has come
to me and he has said, hey, I have noticed
that you are overspending on the credit card. What's going on?
And I'm like, darn, I wish you wouldn't have noticed that. Well,
here's what's going on. And it's a very direct conversation,
but through grace and no judgment and no name calling
(39:44):
and just open and honesty and just to where we
can come to each other and really as a team
work together as a team.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I got to imagine that's taken a lot of practice
to actually be able to highlight something that you see
and then not become offended and shut down the conversation.
I imagine it's taken work to get there.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
Yes, I mean we've been married for almost twelve years,
so it definitely has taken work. And guess what therapy
therapy The new sponsor of the city, as I know
apparently apparently just.
Speaker 3 (40:20):
Believe in it exactly.
Speaker 4 (40:22):
So I would definitely say that we that has not
always been a possibility for us, but it is now
and it's not perfect every time, but we're able to
go through and have those conversations and say like, oh,
well the way you know that's hurting my feelings or
anything like that.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
So it's been I love that question of I've noticed
and what's going on? Because I mean, you didn't say this,
but I'm imagining that it probably does highlight something else.
It's not just you're so awful for overspending. It probably
is you might be really stressed and what's going on
(40:56):
in your life that this might be the outlet that
you're coping with this. Yeah, so the question, the way
that you all have framed it together, sounds like there's
an opening to talk about life and personhood and not
just the number in front of you exactly.
Speaker 4 (41:15):
Yeah, because money is math, but money is also emotional,
so it leaves room to address the math but deal
with the emotions.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
True, So like that for you guys, Yeah, that's awesome.
What about you, Caroline.
Speaker 5 (41:31):
It's finding we really like to kind of find the
middle ground for both of us where he knows that
I'm a saver. And so when I hear about him
saving money or finding ways to save money or recommending
something that doesn't cost money, it speaks my love language in.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Such a way.
Speaker 5 (41:50):
Like if he's like, I went to the supermarket and
got steaks and we're going to cook them at dinner
and we're going to have a nice dinner after the
kids go to bed, and that's going to be our
date night. Like say, less, we don't have to spend
you know, one hundred and fifty dollars getting a steak
dinner and find a sitter and make sure that everything
works out and everything like that, Like it's a low
key thing, and that speaks my love language.
Speaker 3 (42:13):
You had to say stay at home.
Speaker 5 (42:15):
I know. I'm happy to stay home, eat a steak
and play video you had me at steak. That's it.
That's all I need. And then for him, when I
say things like yeah, you can go out and buy
blankety blank whatever it is, it's usually something for like
his motorcycle or something. He's like, can I get this
for my motorcycle? I'm like, good news. We've been saving
(42:37):
money for this exact event. You can get whatever you
want for your motorcycle, as long as the money's in
the account, and he just like his eyes laid up.
He's like really like, yes, of course you can. And
it doesn't throw off our budget or anything like that,
because it's always been put away for him and so
for him when I can kind of accept that he
(42:57):
wants to spend money without giving him like a lot
of pushback, and obviously like that motorcycle things are expensive
and we've been saving for that, so this was a
planned thing, but like it's still to him, is me
kind of speaking that love language for him, of understanding
that spending is something that he likes to do and
(43:17):
it's inherent for him. And so again still kind of
going back to like the therapy of if you ever
feel like you can't have a conversation about something, that
should be a red flag, Like if you feel like
you can't talk to your partner, whether it's your spouse
or just like a long term partner, if you feel
like you can't talk to them about something, then maybe
there's like a point where you would want to go
(43:38):
to therapy without having seen like maybe you're overspending or
maybe you're hiding finances but if you feel like you
can't talk to them, that would be that situation. But
for us being able to kind of meet each other
halfway in our spending and or savingness personality, it's been
really helpful.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
It sounds like paying attention to noticing, highlighting and appreciating,
valuing what is not in the.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Nature of the other person.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
For you pointing out and verbalizing, oh, gosh, thank you
so much for having your sights on saving I know
that's not like obviously you've worked on that. And for
him to appreciate you and saying spent absolutely freedom for
that and to not that the permission is yours to give,
(44:30):
but for him to know that you support him in
that and you're not going to hold this grudge over
him for having spent is beautiful.
Speaker 6 (44:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
I love that too.
Speaker 4 (44:41):
Yeah, okay, Jill, I want to hear yours.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
Yes. So, speaking of keeping my side of the street clean,
Oh so this pairs with self understanding. I have learned,
not just in finances but other aspects of life that
if I feel as though a message is important and
I have a tendency to overdramatize or inflate the situation,
(45:06):
I feel as though I need to make it larger
than it is in order for you to actually grasp
the reality of what it is, like, it needs to
be overinflated, because that's how I think you'll actually then
measure it rightly. It's like telling someone who's always late
to something that it starts super early.
Speaker 4 (45:28):
Yes, it's basically, how can I make this matter to
you as well? Yeah, so let me make it a
bigger deal, because otherwise I'm afraid it won't matter to
you like it matters to me.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
And I think I put everyone in that box like
everyone's going to be late, so I need to tell
everybody that it's happening. It's not necessarily based on the person.
It's more so me that I think I need to
overinflate important messages. So my husband, we've been married eleven
years now, he knows this about me, and it works
(46:00):
the opposite as a result, because he knows that I
over inflate things, he then will like minimize it so
much like it won't. So I have learned that I
need to be very specific and factual about what it
actually is and not not become even heightened or elevated
(46:21):
in the way that I'm portraying it, because then it
could sound very doom and gloom. So, for instance, this
is quite vulnerable. I'll try and make it quick. We
recently had a tax bill that was unexpected, which felt
a little bit shameful for me being in the personal
finance space, like how did I not see this coming? Anyhow,
I'm over it now to the point where I'm able
(46:43):
to share it to the masses that yes, here I
am co host of a personal finance podcast for five
years and unexpected tax bill, but it did cause us,
my husband and I need to tighten the belt buckles
for over the past couple of months to reply some
of our coffers, and I did my best in that
(47:04):
situation to be like, here's the reality. Here's how much
it took out of this savings bucket. Here's where I
want to get it back up to based on our
surplus each month. Here's how long I think it's gonna
take us, and what we're going to need to do
in order to see that. And I think for him
seeing the actual numbers, me not over inflating and just
(47:26):
using these words with no tethering of it's really bad.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
We can never go out. Aha, We're gonna I'm gonna
lock you in your room.
Speaker 6 (47:34):
And don't even look at anything on the computer that
you might be able to buy, and give me all
your credit cards, but actually help like inviting him into
the because I'm the one who handles our personal finances,
but actually showing him the numbers and giving him the
real data on how we're gonna get there.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
That has helped us tremendously, and it has allowed us
to have a very life conversation about where we're not
becoming emotionally heightened.
Speaker 4 (48:04):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, that's I love that. I picture
you putting together like a PowerPoint presentation and presenting it
on the TV. You'd be like, Okay, here's the truth
of where we are. Our tax bill was this much.
This is how much we took out a saving he
should cover the tax bill. Now we're going to take
that number of times six, Well, it's going to take
(48:25):
I can totally picture you and clicker, clicker.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Meanwhile, I'm like muzzling the lion inside of me that
wants to be like, we have to stop, because because
it's still there, I have to temper it inside myself
so that he can actually receive the message. The way
that it makes sense to him, and oh.
Speaker 4 (48:46):
You know what you could do is you could put
in the PowerPoint presentation on the inside this is how
I feel, and the bottom corner pasa like roaring out
along the city, and you'd be like, however, this is
what I'm going to this is how this conversation. Yes,
And it could be like yeah, it could be like
(49:06):
hakuna matata, like we're gonna get along and it's gonna
be a wonderful conversation. Let's move into the facts and
the numbers here.
Speaker 3 (49:13):
They need to be our therapist and I can do this.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
And I actually I'll just be your partner. Can I
just be your partner in it? We'll just kick him out, please,
you think Eric out, He's out of here.
Speaker 5 (49:24):
I'm in.
Speaker 4 (49:25):
Allison's in. I'm gonna have so much fun making financial
presentations with you about our money.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Show me the money that's all I need.
Speaker 4 (49:33):
I'm gonna show it to you in a PowerPoint beautiful.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Well, I hope that for our listeners there's some sort
of you find yourself in one of us, Caroline, Allison
or myself, and you got some sort of tip about
how to have these hard conversations without keeping secrets and Caroline,
You've got such a great story and so many stories
that relate to personal finances, and you're helping people in
so many ways.
Speaker 3 (49:57):
Where can people get more from you?
Speaker 5 (50:00):
You can go to you my website, it's Carolyne Mensel
dot com and there's a bunch of I have so
many freebies. I have so many blog posts about frugality
and saving and not all of them, I swear not
all of them are just based off of like a
spend or a saver mindset, like they're actually for people
who can do anything with their money. But it's a yeah,
Carolynvensel dot com, go sand a bunch of freebies.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
Do it?
Speaker 3 (50:24):
Do it right? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (50:26):
Bye ooh Allison, that felt so good.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
It truly.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
I know we get a lot of people saying, oh,
it feels like a conversation amongst friends, and that's because
it is a conversation and it is friends. But I
forgot for a good couple of times that we were
on a podcast recording, it just felt like, share your
story with.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
Me and what worked and what didn't.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
And I think just I especially the three of us,
being able to talk about our experiences with sharing finances
with another person and running a household and the pitfalls
in that, but then some of the things that have
gone really well. I feel like there's so much I
am going to continue to chew on in this episode.
Speaker 3 (51:13):
I do too.
Speaker 4 (51:14):
I love also how Caroline was willing to say, look,
this is what I did. It might not be what
I would do now, because we all make decisions with
our money and our spouses that that, in hindsight, looking back,
maybe they weren't the best. And I love that she's
able to do that but then still be vulnerable enough
to share her message and say like, hey, this is
(51:35):
what I did. It did have a happy ending, it
ended up working, but if I were to go back
and navigate it differently, this is what I would do instead.
So I love that vulnerability piece of it, because she
very well could just be like, this is what I
did and everyone should do it, and of course it worked,
but she knows that that's not how it's going to
work for everyone.
Speaker 1 (51:54):
So I love that or the opposite of keeping it
hidden because it doesn't sound so great. I kept a
secret from my husband and it worked out for me.
But I think that you know, there any time we're
vulnerable and we share some of these personal stories, especially
where we might have done things differently, there can be
(52:14):
a lot of backlash and opinions on that. I think
she did a great job describing what worked what didn't.
But yeah, I think I just I commend anybody who's
going to because it pulls the curtain back and it
gives permission for others who find themselves in these situations
where they might have done something or be doing something
out of desperation and trying to find the solution to
(52:37):
this problem that seems insurmountable and I can't really find
my way through it to recognize, Okay, well there's someone
who's been here before, and what would they recommend to me?
And so, yes, thank you Caroline, Yes, thank you all
who are listening for listening. Your listen means so much
to us. And we also want to let you all
(52:59):
know that we have a membership for you listeners that
it is chalk full of other frugal friends who are
paying off debt, where we do monthly money challenges, which
is a really fun way to gamify our finances, help
us get at our savings spending goals even and it
(53:21):
offers accountability groups which is amazing for that community value
that we know is so important in achieving some of
those financial goals, whether it's paying off debt or saving
you name it, and we want to congratulate one of
our members for a big win. This comes from Emmer's
n It's titled I paid off my stuff.
Speaker 5 (53:42):
Finally, Finally. I love that.
Speaker 4 (53:44):
Finally.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
I recently got approved for helock. Is that how you
pronounce it?
Speaker 4 (53:50):
That is how you pronounce it? HI Equity line of credit.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
Thank you, so I could pay off my high interest
cards and look into getting a two car garage potential
is still working on that last one. Without even using
any money from the heelock. I managed to pay all
of my cards. I know I will have some purchases
to pay off like groceries, et cetera. But I finally
have enough of my checking to take care of it
(54:14):
and still have plenty left over. I'm hoping to start
saving and also continue to pay down some other debt
I have.
Speaker 3 (54:22):
Oh my gratulation.
Speaker 4 (54:23):
Congratulation Emmers. That is amazing, especially those cards like oh
that credit card interest rate. I always say this, it
is soul sucking, and you were like, Nope, no more,
You're not taking my money, You're not taking my happiness.
I mean, obviously, credit cards can never like no one
else can ever take your happiness. You have control over
that yourself, talk about it with your therapist. But all
(54:45):
of that to say, congratulations, I'm so excited for you.
I know that it's just like a weight lifted off
of your shoulders.
Speaker 1 (54:51):
Thanks again everyone for being here with us. If you
want to check out our membership and get to hang
out with cool people like emmers and who's paying paying
off these credit cards and where we have all these
courses and interviews and challenges and so much more. It's fun,
because it's not Frugal Friends. If it's not fun, head
to Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash club.
Speaker 3 (55:15):
Check it out. See if it's right for you.
Speaker 4 (55:17):
Yes, and we'll see you next time. I mean I
won't be back next time. But is Jen coming back
next time?
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Uh No, this episode is not. We didn't record an order.
Speaker 4 (55:28):
Okay, okay, well, bye bye.
Speaker 5 (55:33):
Frugal Friends is produced by Eric Sirianni.
Speaker 4 (55:46):
Oh okay, well, it says five nineteen and then it
says five me you're also oh is five sixteen, so
you are on future episodes. I am Oh, okay, I thought,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (56:02):
If you're.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
Oh, this is episode I'm sorry, you're right, this is
the last episode you're on. So she comes back after this.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
And then we have another stand in co host. Oh really,
she comes back?
Speaker 3 (56:19):
I know. Okay, So who those are already recorded? Chloe, Okay,
here's your secret.
Speaker 1 (56:25):
I'm the first one revealing salacious secrets to our listeners
right now.
Speaker 4 (56:29):
Oh wait, they're here.
Speaker 1 (56:31):
Oh yeah, we're gonna this is the after after show
for the true die fans who stay tuned after the music.
Speaker 3 (56:38):
You think it's all over, but it's not.
Speaker 1 (56:40):
It's not.
Speaker 4 (56:41):
Okay, So I'm first, and then Chloe, and then.
Speaker 1 (56:45):
J Jin comes back to be with us.
Speaker 4 (56:50):
She's gonna love it.
Speaker 3 (56:52):
She's gonna be listed so much. I know.
Speaker 1 (56:54):
I did text her the other day. I needed something
from her. I'm I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
Hold on, she just had a baby's caring for a toddler,
and you're like, can you do something for me please?
I know you're a little busy, you're kind of like
being a cow right now to a whole human being,
But if you could just like bake me a dozen
cookies because I need that, that would be helpful.
Speaker 3 (57:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's exactly what it was. I
was asking her labor.
Speaker 2 (57:23):
No, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (57:24):
She gave me full permission, and I can't I can't
reveal all of the reasons, but rest assured it was
a very reasonable reason, okay, and she wanted me to
contact her when this reasonable reason came up. I mean,
I think I still said, I I am sorry to
bother you, but I need you to.
Speaker 3 (57:45):
Look at X y Z.
Speaker 1 (57:46):
And her response was where I thought it was gonna
be what you were describing. Instead, she says, this is
so amazing. I haven't been needed by anyone over the
age of four in six weeks.
Speaker 4 (58:05):
Good, good, good, it is. It is there's something different
about like, I mean shout out to stay at home moms,
like I love it. I actually wanted to do it,
but couldn't financially afford it. But it's there's something about
being needed by an adult and not even needed as
an adult. But I almost like collaborating on a like
(58:25):
as a team with someone other than your partner or
your spouse. It's just fun.
Speaker 3 (58:30):
It's just allows it is.
Speaker 4 (58:32):
Yeah, and it's and it's just a different type of
purposeful And because especially because being a mom can be
so draining. When you have a purpose, you know something else,
it's like, oh okay, Like it gives you your brain
a moment to turn off from that other part.
Speaker 3 (58:51):
Yes, I get it.
Speaker 1 (58:52):
Different avenues, different outlets for life and expression of self.
And if it's only expression of self with little ones,
then yeah, there can feel like an aspect of you missing.
Speaker 4 (59:05):
That's why it's always good for people to have hobbies.
What is a hobby of yours?
Speaker 3 (59:09):
Do you have a hobby? Work?
Speaker 6 (59:13):
Hobby?
Speaker 3 (59:16):
Gardening?
Speaker 1 (59:17):
I think I would put under that category. I really
enjoy being outdoors, digging in the dirt.
Speaker 3 (59:24):
What about you.
Speaker 4 (59:25):
I have gotten into embroidery like a grandma.
Speaker 1 (59:29):
Yes, are you hanging it on your walls?
Speaker 3 (59:32):
So I am?
Speaker 4 (59:33):
You want to see one? Yes, please, I am hanging
it on my walls somewhat, but I'm giving it.
Speaker 3 (59:41):
That's adorable, isn't it.
Speaker 4 (59:43):
So I don't have enough space in my home to
hang all of these, so I've started giving them away. Yeah,
so I do this. It keeps me off of my phone.
I have ADHD, so it gives my hands something to
do in the evening. My hat, my husband and I
we put our kiss of bed and we watch one
show together, or watch like one hour of TV together.
And instead of me scrolling on my phone because my
(01:00:04):
hands the movement, I'm embroidering. And then I'm my goal.
I was actually talking with Jen and Caroline and I said,
what do I do with all this stuff? They said,
will take one? Like you should make them for friends.
So I'm going to start sending them out to friends
and family. So I gave son to my grandma. I
gave one to my mom, and I just said, do
(01:00:26):
you want me to make you one?
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
I would not turn that down. That's adorable, lesson. I
can still make it in the podcast. It's like an
embroidered plant mac or may thing. It's beautiful.
Speaker 4 (01:00:37):
It's really cute and bases kind of like it's like
a light pink, very light pink. So anyway, this is
my favorite one I've done. I'm almost just like, let
me just get a whole bunch of these because people
like this one, and I'll just send them out to people.
But then I am also nervous because I don't want
to be like, here's how to decorate your home.
Speaker 3 (01:00:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (01:00:58):
This belongs Hang this up you have to do it
because your home is ugly. I need to make it cuter.
Like I'm like, where's the balance, Like I don't I
just have something. I just have something I think you'd
like and I don't have a space for it. But
I put love and hard work into it.
Speaker 3 (01:01:15):
I love but get a hobby. Okay, bye, you like it?
It's pretty, huh.
Speaker 4 (01:01:24):
I love it.
Episode three eleven, Keeping Financial Secrets from your Spouse with
Caroline Bensel.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to
save money, embrace simplicity and life. Here your hosts Jen
and Jill.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Welcome to the Frugal Friends Podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
My name is Jill and my.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
Name is Alison aka Jen.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Now, yeah, kind of Jen.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
We've got Alison again as a stand in co host
as Jen is still out on parental leave caring for
the beautiful babe she birthed. But she'll be back soon.
You'll be hearing from Jen again in the June episodes
and beyond. But Alison from Inspired Budget, who was all
(00:58):
over the Internet Instagram a podcast by the same name,
is here and she's not just a fellow person in
the personal finance space, but a friend. And yes, so
we're so excited and this has gone so well. Both
this time and the last time Jen gave birth. You
were a standing co host, so just the ride er Die,
(01:20):
the tried and true.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Thanks for being here.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
I'm here for any massive life changes.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yes, and we're going to bring in another friend, Caroline,
who will give a bit of an intro to but
we are going to be talking about keeping financial secrets
from spouse's how that can go awry what Caroline story is.
But first, this episode is brought to you by Secrets,
those juicy little nuggets of information that you share with
(01:48):
just a few people, but inevitably it leaks out to
a larger crowd. Well, Secrets aren't doing.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
So hot these days.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I mean, it didn't work for Victoria, and it's certainly
not going flawlessly for the deodorant company. So Secrets is
running a new campaign that's more about generosity and vulnerability
and sharing those previously hidden messages. And if you like
the sound of Secrets revealed, then you're gonna love Money
(02:18):
Made Easy. This is Allison's newest book, where she dispels
the myth that money is complicated and shares how you
can experience ease in your personal finance secrets. No more
hushed talking. Instead, try enjoyable reading.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
Money May be Easy.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Money Made available at all bookstores, Amazon and Barnton, Dooble
dot com.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Oh beautiful Allison, and even the library. And if your
library doesn't have it, tell your library to buy it.
Tell them to buy thousands of copies.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
Absolutely everyone should get it.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
If this conversation about money with partners is something that
you really want to dig into a little bit more. Certainly,
stay with us because this is a really good conversation.
But also que up episode two thirty one being frugal
with a non frugal partner. I know a lot of
us feel the pain there. We're on board with getting
(03:09):
our finances in order, but we might have a partner
who's not. So listen into that one. Got some great
tips for you, and episode one twenty six, Healthy Financial
Boundaries with Family and Friends takes a little bit different
of a perspective on how can we set in place
some of these important boundary lines that are going to
be protective for us when it comes to our personal finances.
(03:32):
But again, stay here with us because Caroline is really amazing.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
We have had her on the show before.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
She is a money saving expert, especially when it comes
to her family of six living on one income after
becoming a teen mom. She is a master of living
on a tight budget and still having and living a
full life. So now as a six figure entrepreneur, she
works from home and teaches other women how to make
their money work for them and to take charge of
(04:01):
their own financial lives.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
She is going to.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Dig deeper with us about some of the decisions she
made with her husband early on in marriage, how she
kept some financial secrets, what that meant for them in
their financial life, and kind of what she might do
differently now looking back. But I don't want to give
away too much about it. Just it's a good conversation.
So let's dig in. Caroline, welcome. We are so excited
(04:33):
to have you back again.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
We can't get enough.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Oh, I'm so glad to be back. Thank you for
having me.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We are talking about something quite salacious, even in Jen's absence,
So we're really going out on a limb here, like
I know, the cats or the cats away, the mice
and mice tagging into some hot takes and you're here
for it. I got some too amazing females here chatting
(05:02):
about this stuff. So talking about finances with our spouse,
some of the things that we've done that maybe aren't
so good but maybe still work, some of the things
that maybe we would do differently. But first, can we
just start with your story. We're talking about, you know,
your personal experience of hiding money from your spouse, What happened,
(05:24):
what led to that, just you know, we've got our coffee.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
I know, let's just digrade the tea. I actually Caroline
has the tea. We have the coffee perfect.
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I love that.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
Well.
Speaker 5 (05:38):
So hi everybody, I'm Caroline, And my story basically starts
when I was a freshman in college, like two years
or two months into my freshman year, I met my
now husband, and so I'm eighteen. I had just graduated
high school like six months before we met and had
an absolute world wind romance and got engaged like this
(06:01):
is my person and then promptly got pregnant, and so
we were kind of forced into this situation where we
probably wouldn't have had to talk about finances or like
what it means to be kind of like financial partners
in a relationship for probably at least a year or so,
but nope, we were just thrown right into it. And
(06:21):
it turns out that we were pretty different in our
finances and in the way that we thought about money
and in the way that we were brought up. We
viewed our gender roles are like personality types, what we
were entitled to do and have with our finances, and so,
wouldn't you know it, that wound up leading to a
(06:43):
lot of friction for us. We wound up butting heads
constantly when it comes to finances, and it wasn't really
until probably like after our son was born. About like
six months after our son was born, I started getting
hit with overdraft fees in my bank because I wasn't
paying attention to it because I was at home with
(07:04):
the child. I wasn't spending money, and so turns out
my savings account had been completely depleted because my husband
was just swiping that card constantly. And he's a great guy.
Let me be clear, I love my husband. We were
in a much much better place now. We've been together
since twenty or two twenty ten, I guess, I don't
know two thousand and nine. It was a long time ago.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
But we can't even count that fire.
Speaker 5 (07:29):
I know he started throwing around like we're gonna be
the other like fifteen years, and like you got a backup.
I'm too young for that. But we had these kinds
of like conversations really kind of forcefully, and it was
it was kind of this moment of like, what did
you husband do to my finances? There's no more money?
(07:52):
And his come up was, I work, so I should
be able to spend my money how I want. And
that makes total sense when you're you know, twenty five
and single, when you're in a relationship, when you're in
a partnership, and when you have a family, that does
tend to change financial dynamics and just kind of relational
(08:12):
dynamics as well, And so that was really difficult for
him to overcome mentally. So it was still very much
a this is my money, I work for it, I
should be able to spend it. And here I come
be in the voice of reason, like we need to
buy diapers for this baby.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
We had a body trained yet he's only three, yes.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
And when he is body's trained, he's gonna want food,
he's gonna get out, he needs clothes. And so this
was a lot for my husband at the time to
process and we really really fought for a long time.
And something for him that was really difficult to get
past was the idea of not just like, you know,
it's my money, but there wasn't really a future that
(08:59):
was possible in his mind. It was like, I'm just
gonna spend because I make eleven dollars an hour, Like
what's the point of even trying to save anything that
I would save would be like a dollar, So what's
the point, I'll just spend it. And that's not my
come up. I'm the saver, he's the spender. And so,
needless to say, we wound up with a lot of
(09:20):
a lot of butting heads, a lot of threats of divorce,
of leaving, and ultimately wound up in a lot of
therapy that helped a lot, and now we are in
a lot better place financially in our marriage and our
relationship together. But it did start pretty rocky. Not gonna lie, Oh, I.
Speaker 4 (09:38):
Have a question. Actually, actually it's not a question. It's
more of an observation. You said, Caroline that your husband
was thinking, I make this money, I deserve to spend
it how I want. I feel like that's not like
I feel like a lot of people feel that way,
whether they're single or married, And it's kind of like this,
we put in the work and the effort, and now
(10:02):
I should be able to spend the money how I
want and I don't want anyone else to tell me
how to do it. And I want to be able
to buy what I want to buy. And I say
that all from experience as well, Like I felt that way.
I think that's definitely normal. So oh yeah, And I'm guessing,
like because I know whenever y'all were doing this back then,
this is not whenever I feel like therapy was popular.
(10:22):
I know you guys didn't go to therapy back then.
You probably didn't honestly have the budget for it. So
you're in a better place, You're in a different place.
He sees things differently. How did you get there? How
did you get him there? Over to the bright side
to leave the dark side.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
If you will.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
So this is kind of where it gets a little salacious,
as you'll put it so very well and actually put
it earlier. I started after we had this huge knockdown,
drag out fight about like there is no future, why
would I bother saving? And I had kind of hit
this moment of I am not going to be living
paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I
(11:04):
was like twenty one at the time, by the way,
like I was like twenty or twenty one at this point.
I'm like, I cannot fathom that I will live until
I'm in my nineties, because all my grandparents are in
their nineties. God blessom, Like, I'm not going to live
paycheck to paycheck until I die, It's not going to happen.
And so that was the moment when I realized, I'm like,
either you're going to do this with me, or I'm
(11:27):
going to do this and you're going to come along
for the ride. Now let me before we get anywhere.
I am not advocating financial abuse in any way, shape
or form, like this is just happened to work in
my situation. But we'll talk about that in a second.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
You're advocating boundaries there were, whether it's boundaries and a
marriage or boundaries that you put on yourself inside of marriage.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
Yes's and it's kind of a it was a forceful
help in the right pla direction. That is how I
try to view it. But ultimately, what I started doing
was I started giving my husband's debit card a limit,
a daily limit.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
He couldn't exceed.
Speaker 5 (12:10):
Twenty dollars a day, and it had a twenty dollars
from our primary checking account limit. Each week, it would
he would transfer twenty dollars onto his debit card and
that was all the money that he had for the week.
Now did he know about this, Yes, he did.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
He had to be nowhere.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
It was it was a rough first few weeks where
he would blow through all of that money on Monday
and then be like, well, I don't have any money
for work for the rest of the week for lunch.
I'm like, you have food at home? We just spent
all this money on groceries.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Like that's no fun, I know, but yeah.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
Well, where did you come up with a twenty dollars limit?
Speaker 5 (12:50):
That was what we felt that he could afford and
that was reasonable. And again, this was, you know, back
in twenty eleven or something, So call it fifteen dollars,
or call it twenty five dollars, call it forty dollars,
whatever makes sense to you. That's what worked for us.
And that was again we were making eleven twelve dollars
an hour at the time. And I know that nobody
(13:12):
does that anymore. I totally know that. But for us,
that was all that we could reasonably afford. That in
my head, was enough for him to buy the food
that he wanted for the week. Still feel like he
could splurge, Like if you wanted to go to Burger
King or whatever was around the corner from work, you can.
You have that kind of freedom, but you can't do
(13:33):
it every single day for lunch and then after work
or then before work or whatever it was. So it
was enough to feel like he was able to do
what he wanted without going over.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Okay, so you set the limit, he begrudgingly obliged.
Speaker 5 (13:47):
Yeah, and what else? So that was when I started
moving money from our checking account into a savings account
that was separate from our checking account, so there was
no possible way that there was like an overdraft and
it would just take that money out. This was a
completely separate account, and each week on payday, I had
an automatic withdrawal and deposit set up from checking to savings.
(14:12):
So let's say it was one thousand dollars paycheck for
that week, two hundred dollars would directly go into savings immediately,
so it only looked like there was eight hundred dollars left.
And so once all the bills were paid in everything
and the card spids and it got declined because there
was no money, he's like, oh, I guess there's no money.
I'll just stop.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
But he didn't know.
Speaker 5 (14:34):
He did not know that that money was moving.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
So you were setting aside about twenty percent of his
net pay, and he had no idea. So here he
is going along thinking, oh, we're in the exact same position.
We are making the exact same amount of we have enough,
We're in the exact same position, we have the exact
same amount of spending money. But then you have Caroline
(14:57):
over there and stand in a dark corner squirrelings exactly saying, ah,
I'm going to take us on a family vacation or
something like. And you don't even know about it?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Is that what it was? Okay, how long did you
do this for?
Speaker 5 (15:14):
It was? It was for I don't even remember how
long it was because it was twenty percent right off
the top, and if you worked any overtime at all,
right in there immediately, Like so if he worked extra
time and a half right into the savings account. He's like, ma'am,
we're going through money pretty quick.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
I'm like, yeah, it's all that burger king you're getting
before work and afterwork. So I'm I'm curious because I'm
I'm not like against separate finances. I'm not even against
separate accounts in terms of you know, my husband has
a separate checking account that is his spending money. I
pay him as a contractor. He gets to spend that money.
(15:50):
However it is I don't have access to it. Did
he have access to this savings account? Or was it
just Caroline Vensel's name only and that that's it.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
I'm just curious. So this is the.
Speaker 5 (16:01):
Fun part, which is if he actually logged in, Oh
my goodness, right there. I the amount of times I
have given this man, and I love this man, the
amount of times I have given him. I'm like, this
is your account log it's on your phone. You can
look at it. He's never done it once, never done it.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, so he could have done if he wanted to.
You weren't doing acrobatics to count this information from him.
But even if you were, and I hear you saying,
I don't recommend you know this form of secrecy. But
it's more of a surprise than it is this kind
(16:44):
of abusive financial situation. It's, you know, kind of some
of the things that we might do in relationships to
give a nice gift to somebody. Again, this does speak
to other issues and we're not using yeah as a
Oh here's a hot tip on how you like start
(17:05):
your savings account if your spouse isn't on board. This
is one of those like sell them what they want,
give them what they need.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Situation.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Yes, So with that, what is there something different that
you would have done looking back and looking at maybe
the realities or someone else is in a similar situation
where there's just not buy in for the financial pieces
that need to come together.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
What to do is like is.
Speaker 5 (17:33):
It like I don't know?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yeah, I guess just like squirrel it away and don't
tell your partner or or is there something looking back
you could say I could have done this differently?
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah. I am a huge advocate of therapy, and finding
a therapist that is covered by your insurance plan helps
to mitigate some of that cost. We learned that when
we started looking into therapists, we thought it was going
to be like two hundred dollars an hour. It was
twenty with our Copey So that changed a lot. I
know right, what I know are.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
A lot who will operate on a slaving sliding scale fee.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Yea, So it's yeah, And.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
That was my big thing. If I could go back,
I would find a therapist who was capable of helping
with not like helping with finances, but really our therapist
when we lived in Pennsylvania. I love our therapist. He
was the only person who was ever able to get
through in asher for my husband. It was a lot
(18:33):
of people who were kind of just like, you know,
the man is supposed to understand finances. I'm like, but
this one doesn't. This model does not like I need,
I need more than just like this is supposed to
be something that they know it's like, but it's not.
It's not. And he was never taught it. And so
I went in assuming that he would know finances. And
(18:53):
I was like blown away that I was so wrong.
But I don't recommend like hiding things from your spouse.
I believe leave that marriage and any kind of a relationship,
it should be a partnership. You should have these kinds
of conversations. But I also had heard this, and this
is when I started saving the money and scurolling it
away was clean up your side of the street first
(19:14):
and then wait to see how people react to it.
And so I was like, I'm going to do this
for me. I'm going to do this for myself, for
our son, for our future. And so I started saving
and it was when it got to one thousand dollars
in the savings account, like we didn't really feel a
great deal of a pinch. And that was when I
told him about it. And it wasn't until we had
(19:35):
hit that and it was it was probably like six months. Again,
we were like not making a lot of money at
all at the time.
Speaker 4 (19:41):
But still, that's that's incredible.
Speaker 5 (19:43):
Yeah, And so when I told him about it, I again,
he's not a violent person at all, but he was upset.
He was like, why were you hiding money from me?
It was like, because you would have spent it all.
And once he really like stopped and was like, oh
my gosh, So wait, you're telling me that in six
months we were able to save one thousand dollars and
(20:06):
I didn't really even notice it. I'm like, yes, now
you get it. Now you understand that with a little
bit of intentionality, we can actually plan for a future.
We can save, we can go on these vacations that
we want to and we don't have to live paycheck
to paycheck and that's just what we have to accept.
(20:28):
But that's kind of like I do a huge advocate
for going to therapy if you feel like you're struggling
and you want to make your relationship work and neither
one of you are seeing eye to eye, and even
if you feel like you're in the right one hundred percent,
seek third party help, have somebody who can be a
what is it called, like a mediator mediator to be
(20:48):
in that middle place, to be like, okay, so you're
both kind of a little bit right, let's find some
middle ground.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
So yeah, I love that tip too, because so often,
and it's not just about the money. I think we
can assume, oh no, we just have to figure out
how to crunch these numbers better.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
We don't have to go pay somebody.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
To let us talk to them. We can figure this
out on our own. But the reality is is often
it's deeper than that. It will touch on other relational
dynamics cycles, patterns of relating issues within the marriage that
may or may not even be connected to finances, But
by addressing those, you're going to experience some breakthroughs when
(21:36):
it comes to finances. So absolutely, I can't can't it
enough and I will Also, this is my little side
tangent say that to go to therapy and couple's therapy
doesn't mean you're locked in for forever. You're going weekly
and with no end in sight, and you're just hemorrhaging
cash to this person that you're sitting on a couch with,
(21:59):
quite the opposite, and you could state goals from the
start about what is it that we want to talk
about and resolve and set a target end date together.
It could be that you're able to talk through the
issue in three months, and it might not even mean
that you're going weekly. It could be twice a month,
once a month. So there really is a way to
(22:20):
make it financially feasible if this is something that's being faced,
and I think I want to highlight too. While this
isn't your story of the financial secret being something that
puts you into financial ruin, quite the.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
Opposite, which is the best version.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
All the secret is surprise, we've got money saved. But
you know, for many there's financial secrets where it's it's
the other end of the spectrum of we're going into debt,
they're spending you don't know about. There's these things that
I'm keeping hidden on purpose, and there might be a
little bit of yeah, maybe not intentional maliciousness to it,
(22:56):
but there's harm happening. And so either end of the spectrum,
either whether you're in a situation where you feel like
I have to save and I have to keep it
from my spouse because they're just not on board. Or
I'm spending or I'm going into debt and I feel
so ashamed and I don't want to talk to my
spouse about it either. One we can, there can be
(23:19):
room for hope and conversation, and yes, a therapist can
help there.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So I'm a well plug.
Speaker 4 (23:26):
And I will also say I love your story, particularly
because I feel like it's this underdog story of your
husband was the one that you would assume would never
get on board and appreciate saving because he loves spending.
And once he saw what was possible, there was this
total mindset shift, this light bulb, if you will. Maybe
(23:48):
the clouds parted in the heavens shone down on him,
I don't know. But he saw what was possible and
he was able to make that change in his thinking,
which I think all of us are capable of doing.
But you don't always believe in ourselves enough. Yeah, sometimes
we need our handheld a little bit to do that,
and that's what you were there to do. So Caroline,
thank you. I love I love your story. I think
(24:10):
it's wonderful. I think that it's a great lesson for
other people in what they what is hope for their
possible partnership. And then also just an idea of like, Okay,
Caroline did it this way, she handled it this way.
It worked out in the end, but maybe my husband
or my spouse partner wouldn't like that, So let me
pivot to do something a little bit different but hopefully
(24:31):
have the same outcome.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
Yeah, and it is possible. We are people that are
capable of change. Everybody is capable of change, and sometimes
it does just take that little bit of a mindset tweak.
And I did kind of force my husband's hand. Oh
my goodness, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
There's a kiddie.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
I did force my husband's hand in this in our
kind of relationship dynamic. But it did wind up being
something for the better and it did wind up teaching
him a lot. And I just said this the other day.
I said this before we started recording to jenn and Allison.
I'm like, he said something the other day about like, oh,
and we can save more money if we do this,
and I was like, oh, swoon, wait stop, did you
(25:10):
just say that you could save money? You're like planning
on ways to save Yes, tell me more like cook
me dinner while I just look at you and you
can talk about saving money.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Like we can move towards collaboration, we can get better
in our partnership, which is beautiful, and yes, that is
that is some hot marriage.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Stuff, righty, right.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
One of the things to go back and dig into
your story a little bit, because I'm just curious over
here there's a I think unique part of what you're
saying and others might experience this too, where you're talking about, Okay,
you got to clean up your side of the street first,
which I one hundred percent agree with. I think where
(25:59):
the rub can come and I'd be curious your perspective
and what you might recommend to other people in this
situation where that mindset of well, I'm the bread winner,
Like if you're in a one income household and one
of the spouses is making the money, and let's say
it's that spouse who doesn't have their kind of saving
(26:22):
cap on, and it's the spouse who's taking care of
the household, who might not be working for money at
the time, being the one trying to drive some important
financial decisions, what do you recommend for that specific rub
what does cleaning up my side of the street if
I'm not the one earning the money.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
So to speak.
Speaker 5 (26:46):
So I'm a little bit petty. I'm a little bit petty,
And so I googled the salary of a stay at
home mom. Nice. It was like, so, just so we're clear,
you go to work for eight hours, not diminishing that
in the least. He worked in a steel fabrication shut stop.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (27:09):
I know, like, please, don't like, I appreciate it, but
you do this. I'm on call from eyes open to
eyes closed, and in the middle of the night, if
somebody gets sick, They're not waking you up, They're waking
me up. And so I did what I thought was reasonable.
I'm like, I'm at home all day making food, cleaning, cooking,
(27:32):
taking care of kids, picking up dog poop, all of
those things that you would have had to hire someone
to do if it weren't me. And that helped also
for him to see a lot of the invisible work
that does go on. I have heard of people. No,
I did not do this because I I wouldn't because
(27:53):
I'm a little bit of a perfectionist. But I've heard
people going on like a cleaning strike or like a
doing oh my gosh, your spouse strike to prove the
value of being that stay at home partner. I did
not do that because I know that nothing would get
done and that would stress me out.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You'd be probably fine with it.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
They bother you more, I know, right, So that was
not something that I did. But what I did do
was show him the how much a stay at home
mom makes. And I think salary dot count has that,
so you all, I know, right, And it was something screwy,
like one hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year or something.
I can't remember what it was, but that was a
(28:33):
big thing for him to be able to see, like
all of this stuff, and sometimes it doesn't exactly get through.
Sometimes people are a little bit dense and that's okay,
and sometimes that's just not how they communicate. And sometimes
you're fighting an uphill battle against their work environment too.
My husband worked a blue collar job. He's around guys
who are in blue collar jobs, and typically that machismo
(28:56):
of like I make the rules, I'm the man of
the house is something that we had to fight against
because everybody, if everybody's doing it, it's like if everybody's
going out to lunch and nobody else's wife says, here's
your twenty dollars bill for the whole week. It does
seem kind of not unfair, but also kind of unfair.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (29:15):
And so for him that was something that he had
to go to therapy individually for to kind of be
able to see outside of that mold. We don't have
a typical relationship in a lot of different situations, Like
I manage all of the finances, and god bless him,
he doesn't. I'm like, this is how much money we have,
and all the bills are paid. He's like, thumbs up,
(29:36):
that's good. Rights. That's the extent of his role, and
he knows it. And so I do still like, I
keep coming back to therapy. I keep coming back to
having somebody in your corner being able to help you,
being able to help your partner, being able to help
your spouse, being able to help your family, whatever you
want to look at it as, Yeah, being able to
bring some kind of like a voice of reason to
(29:58):
that conversation, because sometimes it does take a little bit
of work. Sometimes it does take somebody who has also
been in that situation. I can't be saying you need
to work at this. It needs to be somebody that
they know and trust who's like, dude, this is a problem.
Listen to your wife and he's like, I see what
you mean. Like that was what our therapist did. And
(30:19):
I'm like, it took probably seven years into our marriage
before a therapist was like, dude, you are you are
actually being problematic? Do you see that? He's like, I
see your point, Like.
Speaker 4 (30:29):
Yeah, you get a lot of it's a lot of ego.
It's a lot of dealing with your own ego and
facing it. Yeah, it sounds like and that's hard work.
And it sounds like he did the hard work, which
is great.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah, and I think that the secret is what brought
to light. Okay, this actually needs to be looked at.
I do think that there are some times, while maybe
not a tip to replicate, but there are some times
where something drastic needs to happen to shake the thing up.
You know, while we all don't want crisis events in
(31:04):
our lives, so often, the pivot point that we all
point back to are those very events. You know, when
I lost my job or I had to move, the
housing market crash and it's these things were really awful.
We don't want to replicate them, we don't wish them
on anybody else. But if there's any silver lining in it,
(31:26):
it highlights this thing, and I think too, to remove
some of the mystery out of this thing that we
keep coming back to of. If you keep coming to
a dead end, seek out therapy, seek out a mediator.
What that's going to do is find the inroads of negotiation,
help somebody see, help each partner see where the other
(31:48):
one is coming from that you may not be able
to get to on your own, and create those spaces
for each other to exist in ways that are kind
to both parties that sometimes we can't do on our own.
Speaker 5 (32:01):
So yes, yeah, yes, yeah, And not even just that,
but like because of the the concept of like I
didn't want to give him any money when we were
initially starting. I'm like, no, you just don't go to
like what's wrong with you? Like, no money, don't go
to Burger King. He's like, no, that's not see that
would I see it? Face this spire is like that's
(32:22):
not happening.
Speaker 3 (32:23):
You can't deprive him.
Speaker 4 (32:24):
And if someone did that to me, I would be like, Okay,
I'm gonna spend all the money. Then you tell me
I can't spend anything, I'm a spend it at all.
That's what I would be like. And that's I mean,
you know, I had an allowance as well. It was
a self imposed allowance, but it was a self imposed
allowance I gave myself after being told, you know, telling
myself you're not gonna spend anything, and it's just not.
Speaker 5 (32:46):
Realistic, it's not And that was kind of part of that.
That kind of like a dynamic. It is an ebb
and flow. It is finding in roads, it is finding compromise.
It's saying you can have twenty dollars instead of zero.
These are the two ours that we can go with
and finding that middle ground and being able to accommodate,
like you do want to feel like I make the money,
(33:08):
I should be able to spend it how I want. Yeah,
that's giving him that ability without completely stripping it away
and emasculating him and making him go without something that
he really enjoyed once a week. It just makes it
more important because instead of it being every day, it
is just once in a while, But you still have
that choice. That's the big thing.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Speaking of doing what I want and something that we
love to get once or twice a week, usually twice
a week.
Speaker 5 (33:41):
Oh, where are we going here? Where are we going here?
Speaker 2 (33:58):
That's right for the best minute of your entire week.
Speaker 4 (34:03):
Maybe a baby was.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Born and his name is Williams. Maybe you've paid off
your mortgage, maybe your car died, and you're happy to
not have to pay that bill anymore. That bills, Buffalo bills,
Bill Clinton, this is the bill of the week.
Speaker 3 (34:20):
We'reting good at that.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
That was adorable, all right, Caroline, You know the drill
every week.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
Multiple times a week.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
God our yass or our listeners to share their bill
of the week. And because this time you're a guest
and not just a listener, the honor is yours.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
What's your bill?
Speaker 5 (34:43):
Well?
Speaker 3 (34:43):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (34:44):
My bill is actually my father in law of Bill,
who has a YouTube channel that I think now has
one hundred and twenty five thousand subscribers. Nice, I know,
and it's so cute he has on their mantle. He
has his plaque from YouTube. But wait, it's kind of
like off to the side and behind a plant. It's
like a humble brag right.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Yah.
Speaker 5 (35:06):
I love to still see it, but kind of an
ambient guitar channel. You should check it out.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Oh, yes, what's it called?
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Chords of Orion Hords chord cords ambient guitar Orion Orion
Chords of Orion like a guitar, Chord of Orion like
a constellation.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
Wow, we're gonna shoot up that subscriber ship. He used
to have a plaque behind a plant.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
That's I know, have another go that's right now that
one gets to be in front of the plant.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Oh, Carol Aara, you are just feeding me what I
want bills that are real bills, and especially when they're
father in law's with a following and a.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Unique niche setting on YouTube tube. Oh this is beautiful.
Speaker 5 (36:02):
He's awesome words of oryon if you're monetizing it. Of
course he is a hi. Good for him and he
gets he gets like alhar pedal.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Let's have a gre business meeting for Bill.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
I know, right?
Speaker 4 (36:15):
Can we talk about his five year plan?
Speaker 3 (36:19):
How does he want to grow it? What does he
see for the future?
Speaker 6 (36:22):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Well, if you're listening and you happen to have a
father in law named Bill with a huge following on YouTube,
or you just happen to pay off a bill, or
you like carrying wads of bills in your pocket. Hopefully
it's dollar bills and not like a bunch of actual
people named Bill in your pocket. I don't know. I
don't know what you do, though, we're here for it.
(36:45):
Submit it to us. We love listening. Visit Frugal Friends
podcast dot com slash bill. Leave us your bill. Were
ready for it, and now it's time for the lighting around.
Speaker 4 (37:01):
Oh my favorite part of the show.
Speaker 3 (37:03):
That you've come to enjoy it, Alison, I have. I've
come to enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (37:08):
Really, she can't. Don't listen to her.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
She knows something about my loud noise, my loud aggressive noises.
Speaker 3 (37:14):
But where else am I going to get it out?
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (37:17):
She's got to just accept you for you, you know, And
that's what I do. I accept you for everything that
you are. Jen, if you're listening, just love her for it,
not in spite of it.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
I live in Florida now, but there's still a little
filly there.
Speaker 5 (37:33):
There you go, There you go. We are loud, aren't we?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
So this lightning round as this is the part Jen like,
she wants to make it vulnerable.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
So hats off to you, Jen.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
We're still honoring you in your absence, What something you
do now to communicate effectively with your spouse about finances?
Caveat here, none of us are saying that we've arrived,
that we all haven't figured out communicating finances with our spouse.
But what for you all all answer to is working
(38:07):
when it comes to some of these more difficult financial conversations.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
Okay, Carol, first, Okay, I'll make a first.
Speaker 4 (38:15):
I was like, I already know what I'm going to say,
filled out. No, if you're ready the Google doc spill it. Okay.
So what has worked with my husband and I is
being direct but without judgment. So one thing that I
sometimes maybe every now and then, okay all the time
do is I make assumptions that he knows what I'm
(38:38):
thinking or feeling, especially what I'm thinking, because if I'm
thinking it, it only makes sense that he's thinking it too,
because I'm always right right. Well, Unfortunately, he can't read
my mind, and so there's a lot of times when
it comes to our money or even other areas of
our life where we have to be very direct in saying,
here's what I want this money to go to, or
(39:01):
here's the goal I want to work on or here's
what I want to change. And we are very direct
so that way there's no guessing. There's no question on oh,
did you really mean this instead but you said that. No,
there's none of that. But we do it in a
way that is very judgment free. So there have been
(39:21):
times when I have been overspending and he has come
to me and he has said, hey, I have noticed
that you are overspending on the credit card. What's going on?
And I'm like, darn, I wish you wouldn't have noticed that. Well,
here's what's going on. And it's a very direct conversation,
but through grace and no judgment and no name calling
(39:44):
and just open and honesty and just to where we
can come to each other and really as a team
work together as a team.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
I got to imagine that's taken a lot of practice
to actually be able to highlight something that you see
and then not become offended and shut down the conversation.
I imagine it's taken work to get there.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
Yes, I mean we've been married for almost twelve years,
so it definitely has taken work. And guess what therapy
therapy The new sponsor of the city, as I know
apparently apparently just.
Speaker 3 (40:20):
Believe in it exactly.
Speaker 4 (40:22):
So I would definitely say that we that has not
always been a possibility for us, but it is now
and it's not perfect every time, but we're able to
go through and have those conversations and say like, oh,
well the way you know that's hurting my feelings or
anything like that.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
So it's been I love that question of I've noticed
and what's going on? Because I mean, you didn't say this,
but I'm imagining that it probably does highlight something else.
It's not just you're so awful for overspending. It probably
is you might be really stressed and what's going on
(40:56):
in your life that this might be the outlet that
you're coping with this. Yeah, so the question, the way
that you all have framed it together, sounds like there's
an opening to talk about life and personhood and not
just the number in front of you exactly.
Speaker 4 (41:15):
Yeah, because money is math, but money is also emotional,
so it leaves room to address the math but deal
with the emotions.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
True, So like that for you guys, Yeah, that's awesome.
What about you, Caroline.
Speaker 5 (41:31):
It's finding we really like to kind of find the
middle ground for both of us where he knows that
I'm a saver. And so when I hear about him
saving money or finding ways to save money or recommending
something that doesn't cost money, it speaks my love language in.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
Such a way.
Speaker 5 (41:50):
Like if he's like, I went to the supermarket and
got steaks and we're going to cook them at dinner
and we're going to have a nice dinner after the
kids go to bed, and that's going to be our
date night. Like say, less, we don't have to spend
you know, one hundred and fifty dollars getting a steak
dinner and find a sitter and make sure that everything
works out and everything like that, Like it's a low
key thing, and that speaks my love language.
Speaker 3 (42:13):
You had to say stay at home.
Speaker 5 (42:15):
I know. I'm happy to stay home, eat a steak
and play video you had me at steak. That's it.
That's all I need. And then for him, when I
say things like yeah, you can go out and buy
blankety blank whatever it is, it's usually something for like
his motorcycle or something. He's like, can I get this
for my motorcycle? I'm like, good news. We've been saving
(42:37):
money for this exact event. You can get whatever you
want for your motorcycle, as long as the money's in
the account, and he just like his eyes laid up.
He's like really like, yes, of course you can. And
it doesn't throw off our budget or anything like that,
because it's always been put away for him and so
for him when I can kind of accept that he
(42:57):
wants to spend money without giving him like a lot
of pushback, and obviously like that motorcycle things are expensive
and we've been saving for that, so this was a
planned thing, but like it's still to him, is me
kind of speaking that love language for him, of understanding
that spending is something that he likes to do and
(43:17):
it's inherent for him. And so again still kind of
going back to like the therapy of if you ever
feel like you can't have a conversation about something, that
should be a red flag, Like if you feel like
you can't talk to your partner, whether it's your spouse
or just like a long term partner, if you feel
like you can't talk to them about something, then maybe
there's like a point where you would want to go
(43:38):
to therapy without having seen like maybe you're overspending or
maybe you're hiding finances but if you feel like you
can't talk to them, that would be that situation. But
for us being able to kind of meet each other
halfway in our spending and or savingness personality, it's been
really helpful.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
It sounds like paying attention to noticing, highlighting and appreciating,
valuing what is not in the.
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Nature of the other person.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
For you pointing out and verbalizing, oh, gosh, thank you
so much for having your sights on saving I know
that's not like obviously you've worked on that. And for
him to appreciate you and saying spent absolutely freedom for
that and to not that the permission is yours to give,
(44:30):
but for him to know that you support him in
that and you're not going to hold this grudge over
him for having spent is beautiful.
Speaker 6 (44:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:39):
I love that too.
Speaker 4 (44:41):
Yeah, okay, Jill, I want to hear yours.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
Yes. So, speaking of keeping my side of the street clean,
Oh so this pairs with self understanding. I have learned,
not just in finances but other aspects of life that
if I feel as though a message is important and
I have a tendency to overdramatize or inflate the situation,
(45:06):
I feel as though I need to make it larger
than it is in order for you to actually grasp
the reality of what it is, like, it needs to
be overinflated, because that's how I think you'll actually then
measure it rightly. It's like telling someone who's always late
to something that it starts super early.
Speaker 4 (45:28):
Yes, it's basically, how can I make this matter to
you as well? Yeah, so let me make it a
bigger deal, because otherwise I'm afraid it won't matter to
you like it matters to me.
Speaker 1 (45:38):
And I think I put everyone in that box like
everyone's going to be late, so I need to tell
everybody that it's happening. It's not necessarily based on the person.
It's more so me that I think I need to
overinflate important messages. So my husband, we've been married eleven
years now, he knows this about me, and it works
(46:00):
the opposite as a result, because he knows that I
over inflate things, he then will like minimize it so
much like it won't. So I have learned that I
need to be very specific and factual about what it
actually is and not not become even heightened or elevated
(46:21):
in the way that I'm portraying it, because then it
could sound very doom and gloom. So, for instance, this
is quite vulnerable. I'll try and make it quick. We
recently had a tax bill that was unexpected, which felt
a little bit shameful for me being in the personal
finance space, like how did I not see this coming? Anyhow,
I'm over it now to the point where I'm able
(46:43):
to share it to the masses that yes, here I
am co host of a personal finance podcast for five
years and unexpected tax bill, but it did cause us,
my husband and I need to tighten the belt buckles
for over the past couple of months to reply some
of our coffers, and I did my best in that
(47:04):
situation to be like, here's the reality. Here's how much
it took out of this savings bucket. Here's where I
want to get it back up to based on our
surplus each month. Here's how long I think it's gonna
take us, and what we're going to need to do
in order to see that. And I think for him
seeing the actual numbers, me not over inflating and just
(47:26):
using these words with no tethering of it's really bad.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
We can never go out. Aha, We're gonna I'm gonna
lock you in your room.
Speaker 6 (47:34):
And don't even look at anything on the computer that
you might be able to buy, and give me all
your credit cards, but actually help like inviting him into
the because I'm the one who handles our personal finances,
but actually showing him the numbers and giving him the
real data on how we're gonna get there.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
That has helped us tremendously, and it has allowed us
to have a very life conversation about where we're not
becoming emotionally heightened.
Speaker 4 (48:04):
Yeah, Oh my gosh, that's I love that. I picture
you putting together like a PowerPoint presentation and presenting it
on the TV. You'd be like, Okay, here's the truth
of where we are. Our tax bill was this much.
This is how much we took out a saving he
should cover the tax bill. Now we're going to take
that number of times six, Well, it's going to take
(48:25):
I can totally picture you and clicker, clicker.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Meanwhile, I'm like muzzling the lion inside of me that
wants to be like, we have to stop, because because
it's still there, I have to temper it inside myself
so that he can actually receive the message. The way
that it makes sense to him, and oh.
Speaker 4 (48:46):
You know what you could do is you could put
in the PowerPoint presentation on the inside this is how
I feel, and the bottom corner pasa like roaring out
along the city, and you'd be like, however, this is
what I'm going to this is how this conversation. Yes,
And it could be like yeah, it could be like
(49:06):
hakuna matata, like we're gonna get along and it's gonna
be a wonderful conversation. Let's move into the facts and
the numbers here.
Speaker 3 (49:13):
They need to be our therapist and I can do this.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
And I actually I'll just be your partner. Can I
just be your partner in it? We'll just kick him out, please,
you think Eric out, He's out of here.
Speaker 5 (49:24):
I'm in.
Speaker 4 (49:25):
Allison's in. I'm gonna have so much fun making financial
presentations with you about our money.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Show me the money that's all I need.
Speaker 4 (49:33):
I'm gonna show it to you in a PowerPoint beautiful.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Well, I hope that for our listeners there's some sort
of you find yourself in one of us, Caroline, Allison
or myself, and you got some sort of tip about
how to have these hard conversations without keeping secrets and Caroline,
You've got such a great story and so many stories
that relate to personal finances, and you're helping people in
so many ways.
Speaker 3 (49:57):
Where can people get more from you?
Speaker 5 (50:00):
You can go to you my website, it's Carolyne Mensel
dot com and there's a bunch of I have so
many freebies. I have so many blog posts about frugality
and saving and not all of them, I swear not
all of them are just based off of like a
spend or a saver mindset, like they're actually for people
who can do anything with their money. But it's a yeah,
Carolynvensel dot com, go sand a bunch of freebies.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
Do it?
Speaker 3 (50:24):
Do it right? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (50:26):
Bye ooh Allison, that felt so good.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
It truly.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
I know we get a lot of people saying, oh,
it feels like a conversation amongst friends, and that's because
it is a conversation and it is friends. But I
forgot for a good couple of times that we were
on a podcast recording, it just felt like, share your
story with.
Speaker 3 (50:50):
Me and what worked and what didn't.
Speaker 1 (50:52):
And I think just I especially the three of us,
being able to talk about our experiences with sharing finances
with another person and running a household and the pitfalls
in that, but then some of the things that have
gone really well. I feel like there's so much I
am going to continue to chew on in this episode.
Speaker 3 (51:13):
I do too.
Speaker 4 (51:14):
I love also how Caroline was willing to say, look,
this is what I did. It might not be what
I would do now, because we all make decisions with
our money and our spouses that that, in hindsight, looking back,
maybe they weren't the best. And I love that she's
able to do that but then still be vulnerable enough
to share her message and say like, hey, this is
(51:35):
what I did. It did have a happy ending, it
ended up working, but if I were to go back
and navigate it differently, this is what I would do instead.
So I love that vulnerability piece of it, because she
very well could just be like, this is what I
did and everyone should do it, and of course it worked,
but she knows that that's not how it's going to
work for everyone.
Speaker 1 (51:54):
So I love that or the opposite of keeping it
hidden because it doesn't sound so great. I kept a
secret from my husband and it worked out for me.
But I think that you know, there any time we're
vulnerable and we share some of these personal stories, especially
where we might have done things differently, there can be
(52:14):
a lot of backlash and opinions on that. I think
she did a great job describing what worked what didn't.
But yeah, I think I just I commend anybody who's
going to because it pulls the curtain back and it
gives permission for others who find themselves in these situations
where they might have done something or be doing something
out of desperation and trying to find the solution to
(52:37):
this problem that seems insurmountable and I can't really find
my way through it to recognize, Okay, well there's someone
who's been here before, and what would they recommend to me?
And so, yes, thank you Caroline, Yes, thank you all
who are listening for listening. Your listen means so much
to us. And we also want to let you all
(52:59):
know that we have a membership for you listeners that
it is chalk full of other frugal friends who are
paying off debt, where we do monthly money challenges, which
is a really fun way to gamify our finances, help
us get at our savings spending goals even and it
(53:21):
offers accountability groups which is amazing for that community value
that we know is so important in achieving some of
those financial goals, whether it's paying off debt or saving
you name it, and we want to congratulate one of
our members for a big win. This comes from Emmer's
n It's titled I paid off my stuff.
Speaker 5 (53:42):
Finally, Finally. I love that.
Speaker 4 (53:44):
Finally.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
I recently got approved for helock. Is that how you
pronounce it?
Speaker 4 (53:50):
That is how you pronounce it? HI Equity line of credit.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
Thank you, so I could pay off my high interest
cards and look into getting a two car garage potential
is still working on that last one. Without even using
any money from the heelock. I managed to pay all
of my cards. I know I will have some purchases
to pay off like groceries, et cetera. But I finally
have enough of my checking to take care of it
(54:14):
and still have plenty left over. I'm hoping to start
saving and also continue to pay down some other debt
I have.
Speaker 3 (54:22):
Oh my gratulation.
Speaker 4 (54:23):
Congratulation Emmers. That is amazing, especially those cards like oh
that credit card interest rate. I always say this, it
is soul sucking, and you were like, Nope, no more,
You're not taking my money, You're not taking my happiness.
I mean, obviously, credit cards can never like no one
else can ever take your happiness. You have control over
that yourself, talk about it with your therapist. But all
(54:45):
of that to say, congratulations, I'm so excited for you.
I know that it's just like a weight lifted off
of your shoulders.
Speaker 1 (54:51):
Thanks again everyone for being here with us. If you
want to check out our membership and get to hang
out with cool people like emmers and who's paying paying
off these credit cards and where we have all these
courses and interviews and challenges and so much more. It's fun,
because it's not Frugal Friends. If it's not fun, head
to Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash club.
Speaker 3 (55:15):
Check it out. See if it's right for you.
Speaker 4 (55:17):
Yes, and we'll see you next time. I mean I
won't be back next time. But is Jen coming back
next time?
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Uh No, this episode is not. We didn't record an order.
Speaker 4 (55:28):
Okay, okay, well, bye bye.
Speaker 5 (55:33):
Frugal Friends is produced by Eric Sirianni.
Speaker 4 (55:46):
Oh okay, well, it says five nineteen and then it
says five me you're also oh is five sixteen, so
you are on future episodes. I am Oh, okay, I thought,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (56:02):
If you're.
Speaker 4 (56:05):
Oh, this is episode I'm sorry, you're right, this is
the last episode you're on. So she comes back after this.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
And then we have another stand in co host. Oh really,
she comes back?
Speaker 3 (56:19):
I know. Okay, So who those are already recorded? Chloe, Okay,
here's your secret.
Speaker 1 (56:25):
I'm the first one revealing salacious secrets to our listeners
right now.
Speaker 4 (56:29):
Oh wait, they're here.
Speaker 1 (56:31):
Oh yeah, we're gonna this is the after after show
for the true die fans who stay tuned after the music.
Speaker 3 (56:38):
You think it's all over, but it's not.
Speaker 1 (56:40):
It's not.
Speaker 4 (56:41):
Okay, So I'm first, and then Chloe, and then.
Speaker 1 (56:45):
J Jin comes back to be with us.
Speaker 4 (56:50):
She's gonna love it.
Speaker 3 (56:52):
She's gonna be listed so much. I know.
Speaker 1 (56:54):
I did text her the other day. I needed something
from her. I'm I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4 (57:00):
Hold on, she just had a baby's caring for a toddler,
and you're like, can you do something for me please?
I know you're a little busy, you're kind of like
being a cow right now to a whole human being,
But if you could just like bake me a dozen
cookies because I need that, that would be helpful.
Speaker 3 (57:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's exactly what it was. I
was asking her labor.
Speaker 2 (57:23):
No, it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (57:24):
She gave me full permission, and I can't I can't
reveal all of the reasons, but rest assured it was
a very reasonable reason, okay, and she wanted me to
contact her when this reasonable reason came up. I mean,
I think I still said, I I am sorry to
bother you, but I need you to.
Speaker 3 (57:45):
Look at X y Z.
Speaker 1 (57:46):
And her response was where I thought it was gonna
be what you were describing. Instead, she says, this is
so amazing. I haven't been needed by anyone over the
age of four in six weeks.
Speaker 4 (58:05):
Good, good, good, it is. It is there's something different
about like, I mean shout out to stay at home moms,
like I love it. I actually wanted to do it,
but couldn't financially afford it. But it's there's something about
being needed by an adult and not even needed as
an adult. But I almost like collaborating on a like
(58:25):
as a team with someone other than your partner or
your spouse. It's just fun.
Speaker 3 (58:30):
It's just allows it is.
Speaker 4 (58:32):
Yeah, and it's and it's just a different type of
purposeful And because especially because being a mom can be
so draining. When you have a purpose, you know something else,
it's like, oh okay, Like it gives you your brain
a moment to turn off from that other part.
Speaker 3 (58:51):
Yes, I get it.
Speaker 1 (58:52):
Different avenues, different outlets for life and expression of self.
And if it's only expression of self with little ones,
then yeah, there can feel like an aspect of you missing.
Speaker 4 (59:05):
That's why it's always good for people to have hobbies.
What is a hobby of yours?
Speaker 3 (59:09):
Do you have a hobby? Work?
Speaker 6 (59:13):
Hobby?
Speaker 3 (59:16):
Gardening?
Speaker 1 (59:17):
I think I would put under that category. I really
enjoy being outdoors, digging in the dirt.
Speaker 3 (59:24):
What about you.
Speaker 4 (59:25):
I have gotten into embroidery like a grandma.
Speaker 1 (59:29):
Yes, are you hanging it on your walls?
Speaker 3 (59:32):
So I am?
Speaker 4 (59:33):
You want to see one? Yes, please, I am hanging
it on my walls somewhat, but I'm giving it.
Speaker 3 (59:41):
That's adorable, isn't it.
Speaker 4 (59:43):
So I don't have enough space in my home to
hang all of these, so I've started giving them away. Yeah,
so I do this. It keeps me off of my phone.
I have ADHD, so it gives my hands something to
do in the evening. My hat, my husband and I
we put our kiss of bed and we watch one
show together, or watch like one hour of TV together.
And instead of me scrolling on my phone because my
(01:00:04):
hands the movement, I'm embroidering. And then I'm my goal.
I was actually talking with Jen and Caroline and I said,
what do I do with all this stuff? They said,
will take one? Like you should make them for friends.
So I'm going to start sending them out to friends
and family. So I gave son to my grandma. I
gave one to my mom, and I just said, do
(01:00:26):
you want me to make you one?
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
I would not turn that down. That's adorable, lesson. I
can still make it in the podcast. It's like an
embroidered plant mac or may thing. It's beautiful.
Speaker 4 (01:00:37):
It's really cute and bases kind of like it's like
a light pink, very light pink. So anyway, this is
my favorite one I've done. I'm almost just like, let
me just get a whole bunch of these because people
like this one, and I'll just send them out to people.
But then I am also nervous because I don't want
to be like, here's how to decorate your home.
Speaker 3 (01:00:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (01:00:58):
This belongs Hang this up you have to do it
because your home is ugly. I need to make it cuter.
Like I'm like, where's the balance, Like I don't I
just have something. I just have something I think you'd
like and I don't have a space for it. But
I put love and hard work into it.
Speaker 3 (01:01:15):
I love but get a hobby. Okay, bye, you like it?
It's pretty, huh.
Speaker 4 (01:01:24):
I love it.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.