May 9, 2024 • 30 mins
The boys get devastating news and are forced to pivot. Greg unearths an old script that Mark wrote for Adam Sandler in the 90’s, much to Mark’s chagrin.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to another episode of Get It to Dutch, a
screenwriters podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm Mark, I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Team of Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read
from an original screenplay that one of us is written.
We give notes and rank the scripts, and at the
end of the season, we're going to pitch the best
script of all to big time Hollywood producer Dutch Huxley.
But before we get into this episode script, We've got
a little new business to take care of.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Brendan.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
I see that you're wearing a collared shirt, so I'm
guessing it's laundry day.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Honestly, for the first time and a year and a half,
I have an audition today, so I am hard out
at Well.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Yeah, people might not know Brendan is a writer, performer,
a multi hyphen jeff.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Of all trades, but not directing because I'm nervous healing
in people. But I have an audition today for a
little show called Big Wonder. What is Big Wonder? Big
Wonder is the reboot of the classic eighty show Small Wonder.
It turns out Small Wonder's all grown up now and
I am auditioning to play her husband. George, I'm married
(01:08):
to Big Wonder. We have three kids. I'm very excited
for this.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Wait. Small Wonder was about a robot.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, an android girl, an android that was disguised as
a little girl.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
And so your character is married to the now grown
up robot.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
She's now a grown up android.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Their husband grow Yeah, how do they grow her?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I guess like the dad from the old series made
her big or something. I really didn't get into that.
It kind of just launches into she's Big Wonder. The
actress is the same, so everyone's just gonna kind of
whoo because they recognize her but as older. And then
I'm her husband and we live in the suburbs. We
got three great kids. Uh, so you had sex with
a robot? Well, George, did you know?
Speaker 1 (01:49):
I didn't?
Speaker 4 (01:49):
Right?
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yeah? And yeah, and so she can get pregnant yea.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
So it turns out there's so there's two regular kids
and then there's one like real body. The baby is
like a funny robot android kids. So you know all
the crazy things that come along with a baby on
a TV show, you know, the baby like burps and
a wall falls. It's so powerful.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
The robot gave birth to a human baby and a
robot android half human baby.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Do they explain it or they blow past it? And
they kind of blow past it. The script I got
never really good. It just goes hard comedy right away.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Wow, Well congrats.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Yeah, I'm excited for it. I feel like when you
read the description, it's me, you know, Cheerry, Portly, funny, doufist,
you know.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
George fat. George doesn't say fence is portly. Whatever it says. Congrats,
I hope you nail it. I'm very excited. It's been
a while. It's good to be back on the boards. Well,
my new business is that Greg is overstaying is welcome.
He's been on my couch for four and a half weeks.
He hasn't bought grocers once, he's not paying rent. He
(02:54):
takes my stuff and then he trashes the place, both
verbally and physically.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I love these jokes.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Gets pissing me off. So that's my new business, same
as the old business.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
It's been fun and we're having a good time over here.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And honestly, and here, I can't tell if Mark is
mad or not.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's truly been a journey just trying to figure out
how to get this place in a state of feng shui.
That doesn't make you a trip When you try to
go to the bathroom in the middle of the night,
which is a cross Mark's room.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
You broke two tables.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I broke two toes. So there's that. But as a guest,
it's fun to be bumping up talking about scripts, and honestly.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Not with me. You've been calling your old college buddies.
If you were talking to me about scripts, I would
think that would be kind of fun. But that's not happening.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Speaking of college buddies, as anybody went a little wine.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That, by the way, is my wine, and so no,
you can't have any mark.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Do you have any pepsi?
Speaker 1 (03:46):
It's already opened drinks straight up on it's you opened it? Yes, dude,
that that's from my wedding you were married. Yeah. Once.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Where's the missus for a summer?
Speaker 3 (03:55):
She's not around here. Look at this place.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
No spared to these books, she went, Miss Gregg. He
only has our c Also that RC I'm saving. I
got it off of eBay. It's a collector's item, so
that I'm gonna sell it tastes like a collector.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Did you open it? Yeah? Man? I can't have straight
up wine.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Have you ever had a whipsie?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You can't sell a five pack it's wine and pepsi.
It's delicious.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
I don't want a whipsie.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Well here, splash, I'm over here.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Get there, all right? So all right, I'm not going
to let this get me down.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Notes of a marriage gone by?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Yeah, rip, what happened?
Speaker 1 (04:31):
She's she could be really Yeah, she jumped off a
cruise ship and we don't know where she is, at
least we didn't for a while. People say they saw
she's like Bigfoot. Now I don't know if she's real.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
It's the danger of these cruise ships. Man, put you
out in the ocean. How are you not going to
try to jump in there? It looks great, it's a
good movie. It was on our honeymoon.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
Really, cruise Jumper. That's a hell of a title.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Write that down. Like I said, not going to let
this get me down, because I have ual new business
that is very real and very cool and very fun.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I edit the angry part.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I know what was well because I said I don't
want to let it get me down. Happy voice, happy,
happy voice. Okay, what's the new am? Mark, looks like
you've got some new business. I do have some new business.
Dutch Huxley, producer extraordinaire, the namesake of this podcast, Get
It to Dutch is looking for an Oscar winning picture.
(05:29):
Oh oh, so that is great news, because this week
it is my week to read select scenes from a movie,
and I have written a wonderful Oscar bait script. I'm
very excited. I cannot wait for this. This week's episode is.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
High quality paper bud.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Yeah, I put it on card stock.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Oh that's why it's a fake. I your news, Go ahead.
I then let's bring up in the room. I hate
to bring down the room, but I do know two things. One,
Dutch is not looking for an Oscar.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
The hell he's not, Well, that's smart authority.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
The reason he's not looking is because he died.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Mark. I know I said it with a smile on
my face, but that's only because you said we got
to keep it positive, and I'm trying to keep it positive.
But Dutch died this morning. It's into trades. Oh boy, okay, cool, cool, Sure,
this is the cover of Verse.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
If you don't want to do new business, let's move on.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
It's a cover of Variety.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Man Twitter, Dutch Huxley is dead.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
What thread says Dutch Huxley is dead, drown in his pool.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
What Yeah with Social says he's going to be Donald
Trump's vice president.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
So he's clearly dead. I'm sorry, man, I hate to
bring this news into here because you know, I know,
we already registered the website for the podcast and we
can't change it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Now we do the podcast. Is it over?
Speaker 3 (06:51):
No, we keep doing the podcast. We just pivot. We
Hollywood pivot. This is what you got to do when
something bad happens.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
This cannot be true. Pivot.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
That's that it's good for the industry. Minute that's a
good term. Pivot.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Well, hold on, now, this may not actually be true.
It's true, it may not be true. Mark, you cannot
believe everything you read in the trades. They may not know.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
TMZ has a drone shot of them dragging him out
of the house, and I mean dragon.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
If that's him, he might be drunk. We don't know.
We don't know. Let's pleaause and go full steam ahead
with what we were going to do this week, and
I will let you know when I hear about Dutch
Mark and it will be positive news.
Speaker 3 (07:36):
Stop trying to change the recent past. It's past. And look,
I'm pointing us to the future.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
All right.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
The past cannot be changed. The future is not known.
What we do know is right now, and right now
I can tell you all that I have a connection
to his son, Duck Huxley, who is the heir apparent
to the Huxley producing banner. He's going to hang a shingle.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Okay, this is great news. The podcast is saved.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
First and first and foremost. If Dutch were actually dead,
he and his son are not speaking, so there's no
way in heck the Duck is going to take over
the empire.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Well, they're definitely not speaking now.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Oh yeah, true.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
But also I think Namesake carries more weight than anything.
He's the first boy, he.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Gets the gets, he gets the fortune. And I happen
to know Duck quite well and we're very good friends.
And look this morning he tweeted looking for a big
fun movie like Adam Sandler used to make.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, two minutes after he said rip a fat fuck Jesus.
That kind of confirms his dad is did h.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I don't see this as good news.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But look at that, it's right there.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Well, we don't have Madam Sandler. I have Oscar bait.
Speaker 4 (08:54):
Mark.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Last night, when I was moving the Papa is on
to this side of the room, which it works way
better over.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
His great it really opens the space up.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Look what I found an old screenplay that you wrote.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
What give me this? This thing? No, no, no, no no.
I wrote this twenty five years ago in college. This
is from nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
Mark, you wanted him to talk to you. Dutch's ghost
is screaming at you. Look at this, Adam Sandler's Shit
for Brains. What an incredible title. No, this is perfect.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
No, I don't want to do that. I don't want
to do it.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
We have to. This is in garbage.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
This is a terrible script. It was bad for Adam Sandler.
Then I wrote a script called The Secrets We Keep,
which is a Dutch producing vehicle.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Dutch is gone, man, Duck is here. Duck wants an
Adam Sandler picture, and here we are. Let's have just
Sandler shit for brains.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Let's just read it, because honestly, the Duck's mouth is
hanging open and he wants some hot break.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I mean, do you see this. I call the title
of the movie is Adam Sandler's Shit for Brains. I
knew nothing about screenwriting back then.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I think we should try it.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Let's read it. I mean, I'll try it. We can
do that, Okay, okay, great? Oh man, I cannot wait
for this.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
You have three copies of the scripts. Where did you
get three copies of the scripts?
Speaker 4 (10:21):
Well?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I ran out this morning and.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
This morning how long did you know?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Dutch?
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Was it gone?
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I found out around eight? Then I found the script
and then I remember when I asked you for your
debit card. Oh do you know what? I didn't ask you,
but I got your debit card, and then I got
the copies made because that is I know my pin
fun fact. You don't need a pin at Kinko's anymore.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, I guess you don't need I'd let anywhere.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
At least out with LeVar, he said, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
It all hinges on it being Adam Sandler, who I
don't even think we could get. But sure, let's read
Adam Sandler's Ship for Brains. Great, I mean title alone,
slam dunk.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Let's go right from the top. Does that sound good?
Speaker 6 (10:58):
Mark?
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Yeah? Well yeah, sure, all right, here we go.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Extension, extension, extension, Mark, you wrote extension here? Did you
think ext meant?
Speaker 1 (11:08):
I guess like I said, Man, it's twenty five years old.
I didn't know anything about screenwriting. So whatever you find
in here is my work from twenty five years a
generation ago.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Apologies.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
In advance.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Exterior Beautiful suburban street day. The camera zooms up a
charming road. This is any town, USA. Beautiful houses. We
stop on a white house that is a smaller exact
replica of the real white house. Interior small replica white
House continuous. It's a children's birthday party all Star by
(11:40):
smash Mouth blast out from a CD player. A banner
Reid's Happy Birthday. Nelson children run about while their parents
laugh and drink. Some of them swing dance in gap
Khakis squirrel Nut Zippers plays from another CD player. The
camera moves through the house and into a room that
is the exact replica of the Oval office. Sandler as
(12:00):
Whips Martington is there and his advisor, Gladstone Gladdy Horsecock
played by Rob Schneider doing a funny Mexican accent stand
in the room. Also in the room is Susan Whip's wife.
She can be nice, but a real fire breather. If
you make her mad. Think Carmen Electra and Glasses or
the total opposite, Jenny McCarthy in Glasses.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
I'll read Whip's wife.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
And it looks like I am reading for Gladdie. But Mark,
I don't think I should.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Do the Mexican accent. Yeah, please don't.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Yes had a respect for Rob Schneider, who will murder it. Everyone.
Just think about how funny this will be coming out
of Rob Sneider's mouth with the appropriate accent. Your numbers
are down all across the board, Whip. People love your policies, they.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Just don't find you likable. New CNN pole says you're
the most likely candidate to ever be assassinated.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
How the hell is that a pole? They can't say that.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
The poles also say that your opponent, Uncle Maynard Jackson
white Man, is the candidate everyone would most like to
party with.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
And four out of five married men said they let
white men plow their wife.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
You're just too brainy, Whip. White Man's a pig, but
America loves him because he talks like them.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I never thought I'd live in a world where being
brainy is bad. White Man is a shit for brains?
Is that what America wants?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Whip Son Nelson think the human head kid from Jerry
Maguire runs in with a Rubik's Cube.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
There's a note in the margin here. It says, what's
that kid's name? Idea for Internet? And then it says,
idea for a worldwide website called internet actor named info Repository.
How do I buy this?
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Did you buy it?
Speaker 5 (13:33):
No, dude, that's IMDb.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
You're like five years ahead of it.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Yeah, I guess I don't remember seeing I had to
go to the library to get Internet back.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Then Whip's son Nelson runs into the room with the
Rubik's Cube. Dad, Dad, Look how close I got?
Speaker 7 (13:49):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Hey, kidd, Oh that's not close. Give me that.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Whip takes the Rubik's cube and he solves it in seconds.
He hands it back to Nelson. Whip Nelson bursts into
tears and he runs out of the room.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
What when the people of America bring me a problem?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yo? I solve it.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Check out the hook well, my DJ revolves it.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
In the doorway, Vanilla Ice, himself dressed as a cool caterer,
spins a birthday cake on his finger. Did you make
this cake.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Nah, I did the icing, icing baby.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
You know, whip.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
The only shit for Brand's icy in this room is you,
Susan Leeve.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Oh, I don't say that, Susan in front of the
cool caterer.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Gladdy Pet's whip on the shoulder. Looks like your pulling
numbers are bad at home too. Whip is left alone. Okay, Yeah,
We've got to keep reading this thing.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I mean, I'm definitely curious about this.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
You know what, maybe I just cancel my audition. This
is amazing. We should read this thing. Tapped about it.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
I don't know. I don't know, guy. I mean it's
so old.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Yeah, it's old, and I don't even think the writing's
that good. I just think it's an interesting idea.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I feel like I'm back in nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
And Jenny McCarthy Carmen Electra. I love these names.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
That's Vanilla Ice. That was hilarious.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
I like how there was two CD players playing at
the same party. I don't even know what that would
sound like. Using basically made a mash up of two
of the worst songs ever written.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I don't know, guys, buddy, this is amazing. We have
to keep reading this thing. I'll look at this. Hold up,
it says right here Vanilla Ice does the ship for
brains wrap ro What is that?
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Well right here in the back of the old binder
a cassette tape.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Actually, don't, don't, don't don't actually play that?
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Why guy? Because the Holy Grail.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Now, so this is where I draw the line. Well,
that's just it's my stuff and I want to have
some control.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Why do you think I was asking you for d
batteries all morning?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Please? Please don't please, I got this.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Thing working man.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Boom box.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Look at it.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
I definitely feel like I'm young again.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
This was behind the refrigerator too, with the wine.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Okay, pop it in, give me the thing it in.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Just let's play it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
This is Mark.
Speaker 7 (16:00):
It's the nineties and my rap name is Busy Boy.
But this apart for Renilla eyes.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
But the ones crap it.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He's got no game, but maybe one day he'll be president.
I'm the cypertail cras.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Please stop it.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Okay, this is pretty good.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Play the rest.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Please, it's so good. I like that you called yourself
the cypress Hill guy. No one ever just refers to
themselves as that else is on this tape?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Is it just all wrap.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Please don't please, don't.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
More than words.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Have to Yeah, let's not one, please, thank god, don't
no more?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
It just hit play?
Speaker 7 (16:45):
Is your joke pitches for Jerry Seinfeld? You know when
the plane crashes and they find the black box, it's
always protected. Why don't they just make the black box
the whole plane?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
That is actually that's as good I know, I think
I know, but it was before he said it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
That was really good. Yeah, like like you're like, no
stra damus on this thing.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
This is where I say, get the fuck out of
my apartment. The podcast is over and I'm done.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
This is where I say I'm sleeping here. I'd appreciate
it if you would at least respect my room and
let us continue.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
This is where I say, my audition's not for like
two hours, and if I walk around out there, I'm
gonna be all sweaty by the time I get there.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Yea, Brendon'll get diirhea before it's audition.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Love that mark. My body temperature changes an inch spring Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Okay, okay, okay, okay, the tape does not go on
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Okay, edit it out?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Fine, Okay, I told you it sucks, so hear my notes.
Number one, in the first shot, there are two songs
coming out of two different CD players. That's insane in
a movie. Two great songs.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
It seems like you created a mashup.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Well you can't. You can't do that. Number two Schneider's
name is horse. That has to change.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
That tickled me.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
What if we say I pronounced it horse kick or
something like that, You know that horse check or horse check.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Yeah, I mean you're the writer course orse second.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Yeah, see you still got it?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, maybe maybe that can stay.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
All right.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Number three Carmen Elector and Jenny McCarthy total opposites. Also,
they're in their fifties.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Now, well we can find two women that have different
colored hair.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Whoever like the diversity?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Well did you ever see Friends? Yeah, they have different
color hair and that was diversity.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
All right, listen for the purposes of the podcast, I
am willing to read two more scenes and one more montage.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
There goes my hero.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Look it up.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Thank you, Mark?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
All right, thanks, let's just get through it. You will
not regret this. This is all right. So I'm gonna
just just pick a page, Okay, just.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
Go what's going on here? At page twenty five in
the hospital five.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Oh right, so this this is where Whip gets literal
shit for brains.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
So the title is Okay, that's what I was That's
what I was thinking.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
I mean, it's so convoluted. But he does get literal
shit for brains. So he goes to the hospital for
a routine colonoscoby. But this sort of bug eyed psycho orderly,
you know, like Steve BUSHEMI, yeah, guys, it would be.
And instead of pushing him into his colonoscoy, he accidentally
(19:30):
pushes him over here into brain surgery. Why it's on
the same floor of the hospital. I have no idea.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Isn't there another Sandler movie where he gets shipped for brains?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I hope.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So then we're gonna throw this fucking thing out.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Oh no, I'm taking a spanglish.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So we take you to this operating room.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
This okay, interior operating room. Day, Whip's head is open
and his brain is in a dish while the surgeon
back has turned. A bag of dog shit sails through
the open window and lands and Whip's empty head without
noticing a nurse his brain back in the place. The
doctor turns back around and says.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
All right, let's close him up. Okay, wait, can I
just ask one question?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
So the dog should just sail through a window into
an operating room. Yeah, how does that happen?
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Two neighbors are fighting. One guy's dog keeps shitting on
the other neighbors lawn, and he picks it up and
throws it at him, but he ducks.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
This could be like Rock and Farley, you know, not anymore?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Great, No further questions on that mark. He really tied
it up in a perfect way.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Unbelievable. Interior Whip's bedroom. Morning Whip wakes up groggy and confused.
His head swirls, his eyes bulge, his mouth opens, and
a huge fart comes out.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
Disgusting.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Whip sees Susan in their underwear getting ready for work.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
His eyes go wide with a wolfish gleam. Oh, I
like it the boobies.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no.
If you're gonna do it, we gotta do it all out.
Do the Sandler, Oh.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Do the Sandler do a Sandler?
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I mean she hasn't done a Sandler in for twenty
five years.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
Everybody has a Sandler out?
Speaker 5 (21:15):
No, give me don out of hell. I like it.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
The boobyes, like the butt too. I mean that's a
little Italian, but I like it. It almost sounded like
it was Mario.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Let's do this from right here, you writ Whip sees
Susan in our underwear getting ready for work. His eyes
go wide with a wolfish gleam. Oh, I like it.
The boobies, uh, I like it a butt. Whip crawls
across the bed like a horny alligator. He springs to
his feet and grabs a shock.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Susan Whip for smarting ton. What has gotten into you?
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Oh no, no, no, my lady.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
The question you need to ask yourself is what's gidding
into you?
Speaker 1 (21:55):
The answer, my weedy Whip.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Huck Susan onto the bed. We see a funny sex montage.
Susan squeals with glee as she and Whip writhe underneath
the covers. Whip pops out and dumps a cup of
water over his head like a marathon runner.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Just what the doctor ordered.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Whip wears a saddle. Susan rides his back with her
brod in his mouth like a bridle g Whip sprays
a can of whipped cream. We pull out to reveal
Susan covered in a full body banana.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Splay with a little whipped cream.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Cut two close up on Susan's face as she moans.
Her feet are up near her head, her eyes are
crossed and goofy. Close up on their golden retriever Einstein
as he covers his eyes with his paws, then he
peeks through it ath a big finish. They both cartoonishly
orgasm cut too whip and Susan li in bed exhausted.
(22:48):
We can't over to see that Einstein is also laying
next to them smoking a cigarette.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Ah yeah, Mark, I mean, this is Duck is Duck Central.
This is exactly what he's asking for.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
This is perfection. This is like instantly, I mean, top
three Sandler movies I've ever seen, and I'm only halfway
through your script and I haven't seen it yet.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
I don't love my Sandler. It does sound more like
Mario yeah than Sandler.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I mean, but that's that's that's not going to keep
Sandler from doing it and Duck from loving it.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
We can't. We all know what you're going for, and
we can feel Sandler doing it. This is out of
this world. Good do you want to work on stuff
after this.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
You know, well we are. I mean, this is what
the whole thing is about.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Just like you and me. I got this idea for
a guy who's got a hamburger for her heart.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Is that something? I don't know. It's kind of sees
a lot.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Like burger heart?
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Yeah, is that something might be? Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
I just feel like you and me, we get this,
you know.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Oh it's probably dumb, though, what a stupid fucking idea.
I shouldn't have said it.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
No, I mean, it's just it's probably going to be
as good as this.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
You're not it's as good as this?
Speaker 6 (24:00):
Then?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Oh God kill me now because I have a cheap perfection.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Well, thank you both for liking it. I mean, I
guess we could do the last scene.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah please, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Just let's do that.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
We'll do that.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
We'll go see how it ends. So this is the
climactic final scene. I want to skip over all those
gold It's fine. Here's the thing. So he he stops
Whiteman's evil plan to team up with Sodom Hussein and
and Partying, which they called Operation Party Down, and all
the college kids vote for him and he becomes president.
So you know, after chugging a bunch of beer, and
(24:36):
you know, the American flag, and Einstein's wearing a beer helmet,
and the Sugar Ray guy is on stage, you know Grath,
which really I can't get him anymore, but.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
I know he's too big.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Wash he's not too big.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
Well, he's too big to be working at a car wash.
He's really tall, Yeah, he's very tall.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
He gets hit with the brushes all the time.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, he's like seven foot nine.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
He's the guy who does the marker on the outside.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
So that's what you paid for, gotcha. So anyway, that's
that's his whole campaign. He's got all these bikini babes
around and Steve Buscemi is his DJ and perfect, you know,
So let's just go. This is the final scene there
at the victory celebration, right, yep, I got it.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Here we are exterior victory celebration day. Whip takes the
stage to the roar of a crowd. He steps up
to the microphone.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
You all made me president, but Susan and Nelson, you
made me a good guy. There is one other thing
that I learned, and this is the most important thing
of all.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Whip takes out a ukulele and he begins to sing.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
And this is also on the tape. Right side be
it says, you can you song?
Speaker 2 (25:42):
All right?
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Here we go flipping and dipping poop so funny.
Speaker 6 (25:47):
And so off foughts. But saw the place where both
of them start. The Chinese poopoo, Jews do too, Republicans poop,
and Democrats. The only one that doesn't poop is j Loo.
Don't talk about a great Heidi.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
A toilet flushes and Jlo steps out of the bathroom.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Actually, mister President, I just took a giant stinker.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Oh my god, don't go in there.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
The crowd roars, I just won this last election.
Speaker 4 (26:21):
When I look at j Loo, I get a big erection. No,
I don't need to explain. That's why I'm the best
shit for brains, right, Mike Tyson, Yeah, Whip, that's a knockout.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
The crowd cheers. We pull out to see that Whip
stage is right smack dab in the middle of MTV's
Spring Break. All the VJs are there. We pull out
further and we see that the actual White House is
right there on South Beach in a cage. White man
is on all fours dressed like a pony getting spanked
by Paulie Shore. Ehbuy getty up. We see einste and
(27:00):
the dog driving a speedboat. We pull out to see
that Steve Buscemi is next to him. He's wearing a
wedding dress because they just got married. Buchemi turns to
the camera and he says, I like a Nimbleby's cut
to black the end.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
O great.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Mark.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I mean, I think this is the guy smiling on us.
Dutch died, Duck tweeted, Mark delivered.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I feel like the guys who must have read Citizen
Kane the day Citizen Kane came out.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Oh, I don't feel like that at all. I'm just
excited that this is exactly what Duck wants.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
He wants it. It's perfect. I mean, this is better
than the eight Sandler movies I can think of.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
First of all, I'm not sure we can say with
one hundred percent certainty the Dutch is dead. Okay, So
I want to hold off on any of this excitement
because there is no way I am going to burn
a bridge with Dutch Huxley by giving him a twenty
five year old piece of.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Shit script It's called shit for brains.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Well, I know that because I wrote it and it's awful.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
So TMZ has a video of them losing control of
the gurney and he rolls all the way down the
Hollywood Hills.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Now that's a movie.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Maybe it's somebody else.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Once he pops off on the traffic and the sheet
comes off, it's.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
Dutch Journey of the Gurney.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Let's temper our excitement here.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Dutch is dead and we're going to be handing this
twenty five year old script to Duck, who is going
to love this.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Duck loves anything that's twenty five.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Well, if we're going to continue with this podcast, we
have to play by the rules of the podcast. So
let's go around. Let's rate the script, and next episode
we'll have another script to read. Okay, Brandan and go ahead.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I say, with the fullest and most pure voice of all,
from the top of the highest mountain, this is a
perfect ten.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
I will also say this is one of the worst
scripts I've ever read. Doesn't matter, ticks the box. And
in Hollywood we say that's a Hollywood square ten.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I give it a negative five.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
What you that's not a score.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
You can score whatever you'd like.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
We never actually clarified what the range of scoring was.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
No, now, once you say it, once it's done.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
It's a scale of one to ten. It's not negative.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
All right, fine, then I give last week, I give Belenore.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
You can't go back.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Well, then if you can, you if I make a rule,
if you make a role that I can make a rule.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Okay, fine, all right, So what is that? That's fifteen.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
It's fifteen, so it's tied. It's got the same score
as wins of Belenore. No, no, no, you know what.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
I love my script, but I can't even it's a
freaking turd compared to this thing. I can't let you
sit there and put yourself down.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
I think this is a turd compared to that. If
you think about the title.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
If we can't beat this script, we have no business
in show business.
Speaker 7 (30:07):
Mark.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
I'd like to take no business in show business will
be the new name of the podcast.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
I want to take your boat by proxy, and I'd
say ten. I know, as the artist, you can't look
at it fairly.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
You create it. I'm going to take your yours and
say zero. So, no matter how you cut it, it's
tied with Winds of Eleanor, which needs a lot of work,
So thanks for listening to this week's episode.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No, no, I don't want to get it to Dutch.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Note not Duck Mark join us next week when they
read Greg's script. Until then it's lights, camera action.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
But for writing, well, I'm getting a call from Duck
right now.
Welcome to another episode of Get It to Dutch, a
screenwriters podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm Mark, I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Team of Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read
from an original screenplay that one of us is written.
We give notes and rank the scripts, and at the
end of the season, we're going to pitch the best
script of all to big time Hollywood producer Dutch Huxley.
But before we get into this episode script, We've got
a little new business to take care of.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Brendan.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
I see that you're wearing a collared shirt, so I'm
guessing it's laundry day.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Honestly, for the first time and a year and a half,
I have an audition today, so I am hard out
at Well.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Yeah, people might not know Brendan is a writer, performer,
a multi hyphen jeff.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Of all trades, but not directing because I'm nervous healing
in people. But I have an audition today for a
little show called Big Wonder. What is Big Wonder? Big
Wonder is the reboot of the classic eighty show Small Wonder.
It turns out Small Wonder's all grown up now and
I am auditioning to play her husband. George, I'm married
(01:08):
to Big Wonder. We have three kids. I'm very excited
for this.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Wait. Small Wonder was about a robot.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, an android girl, an android that was disguised as
a little girl.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
And so your character is married to the now grown
up robot.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
She's now a grown up android.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Their husband grow Yeah, how do they grow her?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I guess like the dad from the old series made
her big or something. I really didn't get into that.
It kind of just launches into she's Big Wonder. The
actress is the same, so everyone's just gonna kind of
whoo because they recognize her but as older. And then
I'm her husband and we live in the suburbs. We
got three great kids. Uh, so you had sex with
a robot? Well, George, did you know?
Speaker 1 (01:49):
I didn't?
Speaker 4 (01:49):
Right?
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yeah? And yeah, and so she can get pregnant yea.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
So it turns out there's so there's two regular kids
and then there's one like real body. The baby is
like a funny robot android kids. So you know all
the crazy things that come along with a baby on
a TV show, you know, the baby like burps and
a wall falls. It's so powerful.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
The robot gave birth to a human baby and a
robot android half human baby.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Do they explain it or they blow past it? And
they kind of blow past it. The script I got
never really good. It just goes hard comedy right away.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Wow, Well congrats.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Yeah, I'm excited for it. I feel like when you
read the description, it's me, you know, Cheerry, Portly, funny, doufist,
you know.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
George fat. George doesn't say fence is portly. Whatever it says. Congrats,
I hope you nail it. I'm very excited. It's been
a while. It's good to be back on the boards. Well,
my new business is that Greg is overstaying is welcome.
He's been on my couch for four and a half weeks.
He hasn't bought grocers once, he's not paying rent. He
(02:54):
takes my stuff and then he trashes the place, both
verbally and physically.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I love these jokes.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Gets pissing me off. So that's my new business, same
as the old business.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
It's been fun and we're having a good time over here.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And honestly, and here, I can't tell if Mark is
mad or not.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's truly been a journey just trying to figure out
how to get this place in a state of feng shui.
That doesn't make you a trip When you try to
go to the bathroom in the middle of the night,
which is a cross Mark's room.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
You broke two tables.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I broke two toes. So there's that. But as a guest,
it's fun to be bumping up talking about scripts, and honestly.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Not with me. You've been calling your old college buddies.
If you were talking to me about scripts, I would
think that would be kind of fun. But that's not happening.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Speaking of college buddies, as anybody went a little wine.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
That, by the way, is my wine, and so no,
you can't have any mark.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Do you have any pepsi?
Speaker 1 (03:46):
It's already opened drinks straight up on it's you opened it? Yes, dude,
that that's from my wedding you were married. Yeah. Once.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Where's the missus for a summer?
Speaker 3 (03:55):
She's not around here. Look at this place.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
No spared to these books, she went, Miss Gregg. He
only has our c Also that RC I'm saving. I
got it off of eBay. It's a collector's item, so
that I'm gonna sell it tastes like a collector.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Did you open it? Yeah? Man? I can't have straight
up wine.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Have you ever had a whipsie?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You can't sell a five pack it's wine and pepsi.
It's delicious.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
I don't want a whipsie.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Well here, splash, I'm over here.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Get there, all right? So all right, I'm not going
to let this get me down.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Notes of a marriage gone by?
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Yeah, rip, what happened?
Speaker 1 (04:31):
She's she could be really Yeah, she jumped off a
cruise ship and we don't know where she is, at
least we didn't for a while. People say they saw
she's like Bigfoot. Now I don't know if she's real.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
It's the danger of these cruise ships. Man, put you
out in the ocean. How are you not going to
try to jump in there? It looks great, it's a
good movie. It was on our honeymoon.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
Really, cruise Jumper. That's a hell of a title.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Write that down. Like I said, not going to let
this get me down, because I have ual new business
that is very real and very cool and very fun.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
I edit the angry part.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I know what was well because I said I don't
want to let it get me down. Happy voice, happy,
happy voice. Okay, what's the new am? Mark, looks like
you've got some new business. I do have some new business.
Dutch Huxley, producer extraordinaire, the namesake of this podcast, Get
It to Dutch is looking for an Oscar winning picture.
(05:29):
Oh oh, so that is great news, because this week
it is my week to read select scenes from a movie,
and I have written a wonderful Oscar bait script. I'm
very excited. I cannot wait for this. This week's episode is.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
High quality paper bud.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Yeah, I put it on card stock.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Oh that's why it's a fake. I your news, Go ahead.
I then let's bring up in the room. I hate
to bring down the room, but I do know two things. One,
Dutch is not looking for an Oscar.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
The hell he's not, Well, that's smart authority.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
The reason he's not looking is because he died.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Mark. I know I said it with a smile on
my face, but that's only because you said we got
to keep it positive, and I'm trying to keep it positive.
But Dutch died this morning. It's into trades. Oh boy, okay, cool, cool, Sure,
this is the cover of Verse.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
If you don't want to do new business, let's move on.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
It's a cover of Variety.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Man Twitter, Dutch Huxley is dead.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
What thread says Dutch Huxley is dead, drown in his pool.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
What Yeah with Social says he's going to be Donald
Trump's vice president.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
So he's clearly dead. I'm sorry, man, I hate to
bring this news into here because you know, I know,
we already registered the website for the podcast and we
can't change it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Now we do the podcast. Is it over?
Speaker 3 (06:51):
No, we keep doing the podcast. We just pivot. We
Hollywood pivot. This is what you got to do when
something bad happens.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
This cannot be true. Pivot.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
That's that it's good for the industry. Minute that's a
good term. Pivot.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Well, hold on, now, this may not actually be true.
It's true, it may not be true. Mark, you cannot
believe everything you read in the trades. They may not know.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
TMZ has a drone shot of them dragging him out
of the house, and I mean dragon.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
If that's him, he might be drunk. We don't know.
We don't know. Let's pleaause and go full steam ahead
with what we were going to do this week, and
I will let you know when I hear about Dutch
Mark and it will be positive news.
Speaker 3 (07:36):
Stop trying to change the recent past. It's past. And look,
I'm pointing us to the future.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
All right.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
The past cannot be changed. The future is not known.
What we do know is right now, and right now
I can tell you all that I have a connection
to his son, Duck Huxley, who is the heir apparent
to the Huxley producing banner. He's going to hang a shingle.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Okay, this is great news. The podcast is saved.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
First and first and foremost. If Dutch were actually dead,
he and his son are not speaking, so there's no
way in heck the Duck is going to take over
the empire.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Well, they're definitely not speaking now.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Oh yeah, true.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
But also I think Namesake carries more weight than anything.
He's the first boy, he.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Gets the gets, he gets the fortune. And I happen
to know Duck quite well and we're very good friends.
And look this morning he tweeted looking for a big
fun movie like Adam Sandler used to make.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, two minutes after he said rip a fat fuck Jesus.
That kind of confirms his dad is did h.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I don't see this as good news.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But look at that, it's right there.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Well, we don't have Madam Sandler. I have Oscar bait.
Speaker 4 (08:54):
Mark.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
Last night, when I was moving the Papa is on
to this side of the room, which it works way
better over.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
His great it really opens the space up.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Look what I found an old screenplay that you wrote.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
What give me this? This thing? No, no, no, no no.
I wrote this twenty five years ago in college. This
is from nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
Mark, you wanted him to talk to you. Dutch's ghost
is screaming at you. Look at this, Adam Sandler's Shit
for Brains. What an incredible title. No, this is perfect.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
No, I don't want to do that. I don't want
to do it.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
We have to. This is in garbage.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
This is a terrible script. It was bad for Adam Sandler.
Then I wrote a script called The Secrets We Keep,
which is a Dutch producing vehicle.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Dutch is gone, man, Duck is here. Duck wants an
Adam Sandler picture, and here we are. Let's have just
Sandler shit for brains.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Let's just read it, because honestly, the Duck's mouth is
hanging open and he wants some hot break.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I mean, do you see this. I call the title
of the movie is Adam Sandler's Shit for Brains. I
knew nothing about screenwriting back then.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I think we should try it.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Let's read it. I mean, I'll try it. We can
do that, Okay, okay, great? Oh man, I cannot wait
for this.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
You have three copies of the scripts. Where did you
get three copies of the scripts?
Speaker 4 (10:21):
Well?
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I ran out this morning and.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
This morning how long did you know?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Dutch?
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Was it gone?
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I found out around eight? Then I found the script
and then I remember when I asked you for your
debit card. Oh do you know what? I didn't ask you,
but I got your debit card, and then I got
the copies made because that is I know my pin
fun fact. You don't need a pin at Kinko's anymore.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, I guess you don't need I'd let anywhere.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
At least out with LeVar, he said, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
It all hinges on it being Adam Sandler, who I
don't even think we could get. But sure, let's read
Adam Sandler's Ship for Brains. Great, I mean title alone,
slam dunk.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Let's go right from the top. Does that sound good?
Speaker 6 (10:58):
Mark?
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Yeah? Well yeah, sure, all right, here we go.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Extension, extension, extension, Mark, you wrote extension here? Did you
think ext meant?
Speaker 1 (11:08):
I guess like I said, Man, it's twenty five years old.
I didn't know anything about screenwriting. So whatever you find
in here is my work from twenty five years a
generation ago.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Apologies.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
In advance.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Exterior Beautiful suburban street day. The camera zooms up a
charming road. This is any town, USA. Beautiful houses. We
stop on a white house that is a smaller exact
replica of the real white house. Interior small replica white
House continuous. It's a children's birthday party all Star by
(11:40):
smash Mouth blast out from a CD player. A banner
Reid's Happy Birthday. Nelson children run about while their parents
laugh and drink. Some of them swing dance in gap
Khakis squirrel Nut Zippers plays from another CD player. The
camera moves through the house and into a room that
is the exact replica of the Oval office. Sandler as
(12:00):
Whips Martington is there and his advisor, Gladstone Gladdy Horsecock
played by Rob Schneider doing a funny Mexican accent stand
in the room. Also in the room is Susan Whip's wife.
She can be nice, but a real fire breather. If
you make her mad. Think Carmen Electra and Glasses or
the total opposite, Jenny McCarthy in Glasses.
Speaker 3 (12:19):
I'll read Whip's wife.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
And it looks like I am reading for Gladdie. But Mark,
I don't think I should.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Do the Mexican accent. Yeah, please don't.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Yes had a respect for Rob Schneider, who will murder it. Everyone.
Just think about how funny this will be coming out
of Rob Sneider's mouth with the appropriate accent. Your numbers
are down all across the board, Whip. People love your policies, they.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Just don't find you likable. New CNN pole says you're
the most likely candidate to ever be assassinated.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
How the hell is that a pole? They can't say that.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
The poles also say that your opponent, Uncle Maynard Jackson
white Man, is the candidate everyone would most like to
party with.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
And four out of five married men said they let
white men plow their wife.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
You're just too brainy, Whip. White Man's a pig, but
America loves him because he talks like them.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I never thought I'd live in a world where being
brainy is bad. White Man is a shit for brains?
Is that what America wants?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Whip Son Nelson think the human head kid from Jerry
Maguire runs in with a Rubik's Cube.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
There's a note in the margin here. It says, what's
that kid's name? Idea for Internet? And then it says,
idea for a worldwide website called internet actor named info Repository.
How do I buy this?
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Did you buy it?
Speaker 5 (13:33):
No, dude, that's IMDb.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
You're like five years ahead of it.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Yeah, I guess I don't remember seeing I had to
go to the library to get Internet back.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Then Whip's son Nelson runs into the room with the
Rubik's Cube. Dad, Dad, Look how close I got?
Speaker 7 (13:49):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Hey, kidd, Oh that's not close. Give me that.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Whip takes the Rubik's cube and he solves it in seconds.
He hands it back to Nelson. Whip Nelson bursts into
tears and he runs out of the room.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
What when the people of America bring me a problem?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yo? I solve it.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Check out the hook well, my DJ revolves it.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
In the doorway, Vanilla Ice, himself dressed as a cool caterer,
spins a birthday cake on his finger. Did you make
this cake.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Nah, I did the icing, icing baby.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
You know, whip.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
The only shit for Brand's icy in this room is you,
Susan Leeve.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Oh, I don't say that, Susan in front of the
cool caterer.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Gladdy Pet's whip on the shoulder. Looks like your pulling
numbers are bad at home too. Whip is left alone. Okay, Yeah,
We've got to keep reading this thing.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I mean, I'm definitely curious about this.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
You know what, maybe I just cancel my audition. This
is amazing. We should read this thing. Tapped about it.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
I don't know. I don't know, guy. I mean it's
so old.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Yeah, it's old, and I don't even think the writing's
that good. I just think it's an interesting idea.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
I feel like I'm back in nineteen ninety eight.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
And Jenny McCarthy Carmen Electra. I love these names.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
That's Vanilla Ice. That was hilarious.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
I like how there was two CD players playing at
the same party. I don't even know what that would
sound like. Using basically made a mash up of two
of the worst songs ever written.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I don't know, guys, buddy, this is amazing. We have
to keep reading this thing. I'll look at this. Hold up,
it says right here Vanilla Ice does the ship for
brains wrap ro What is that?
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Well right here in the back of the old binder
a cassette tape.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Actually, don't, don't, don't don't actually play that?
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Why guy? Because the Holy Grail.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Now, so this is where I draw the line. Well,
that's just it's my stuff and I want to have
some control.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Why do you think I was asking you for d
batteries all morning?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Please? Please don't please, I got this.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
Thing working man.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Boom box.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Look at it.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
I definitely feel like I'm young again.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
This was behind the refrigerator too, with the wine.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Okay, pop it in, give me the thing it in.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Just let's play it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
This is Mark.
Speaker 7 (16:00):
It's the nineties and my rap name is Busy Boy.
But this apart for Renilla eyes.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
But the ones crap it.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He's got no game, but maybe one day he'll be president.
I'm the cypertail cras.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Please stop it.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Okay, this is pretty good.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Play the rest.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Please, it's so good. I like that you called yourself
the cypress Hill guy. No one ever just refers to
themselves as that else is on this tape?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Is it just all wrap.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Please don't please, don't.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
More than words.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Have to Yeah, let's not one, please, thank god, don't
no more?
Speaker 2 (16:43):
It just hit play?
Speaker 7 (16:45):
Is your joke pitches for Jerry Seinfeld? You know when
the plane crashes and they find the black box, it's
always protected. Why don't they just make the black box
the whole plane?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
That is actually that's as good I know, I think
I know, but it was before he said it.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
That was really good. Yeah, like like you're like, no
stra damus on this thing.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
This is where I say, get the fuck out of
my apartment. The podcast is over and I'm done.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
This is where I say I'm sleeping here. I'd appreciate
it if you would at least respect my room and
let us continue.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
This is where I say, my audition's not for like
two hours, and if I walk around out there, I'm
gonna be all sweaty by the time I get there.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
Yea, Brendon'll get diirhea before it's audition.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
Love that mark. My body temperature changes an inch spring Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Okay, okay, okay, okay, the tape does not go on
the podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Okay, edit it out?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Fine, Okay, I told you it sucks, so hear my notes.
Number one, in the first shot, there are two songs
coming out of two different CD players. That's insane in
a movie. Two great songs.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
It seems like you created a mashup.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Well you can't. You can't do that. Number two Schneider's
name is horse. That has to change.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
That tickled me.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
What if we say I pronounced it horse kick or
something like that, You know that horse check or horse check.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Yeah, I mean you're the writer course orse second.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Yeah, see you still got it?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, maybe maybe that can stay.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
All right.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Number three Carmen Elector and Jenny McCarthy total opposites. Also,
they're in their fifties.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Now, well we can find two women that have different
colored hair.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Whoever like the diversity?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
Well did you ever see Friends? Yeah, they have different
color hair and that was diversity.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
All right, listen for the purposes of the podcast, I
am willing to read two more scenes and one more montage.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
There goes my hero.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Look it up.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Thank you, Mark?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
All right, thanks, let's just get through it. You will
not regret this. This is all right. So I'm gonna
just just pick a page, Okay, just.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
Go what's going on here? At page twenty five in
the hospital five.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Oh right, so this this is where Whip gets literal
shit for brains.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
So the title is Okay, that's what I was That's
what I was thinking.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
I mean, it's so convoluted. But he does get literal
shit for brains. So he goes to the hospital for
a routine colonoscoby. But this sort of bug eyed psycho orderly,
you know, like Steve BUSHEMI, yeah, guys, it would be.
And instead of pushing him into his colonoscoy, he accidentally
(19:30):
pushes him over here into brain surgery. Why it's on
the same floor of the hospital. I have no idea.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Isn't there another Sandler movie where he gets shipped for brains?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I hope.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So then we're gonna throw this fucking thing out.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Oh no, I'm taking a spanglish.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So we take you to this operating room.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
This okay, interior operating room. Day, Whip's head is open
and his brain is in a dish while the surgeon
back has turned. A bag of dog shit sails through
the open window and lands and Whip's empty head without
noticing a nurse his brain back in the place. The
doctor turns back around and says.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
All right, let's close him up. Okay, wait, can I
just ask one question?
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
So the dog should just sail through a window into
an operating room. Yeah, how does that happen?
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Two neighbors are fighting. One guy's dog keeps shitting on
the other neighbors lawn, and he picks it up and
throws it at him, but he ducks.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
This could be like Rock and Farley, you know, not anymore?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Great, No further questions on that mark. He really tied
it up in a perfect way.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Unbelievable. Interior Whip's bedroom. Morning Whip wakes up groggy and confused.
His head swirls, his eyes bulge, his mouth opens, and
a huge fart comes out.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
Disgusting.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Whip sees Susan in their underwear getting ready for work.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
His eyes go wide with a wolfish gleam. Oh, I
like it the boobies.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no.
If you're gonna do it, we gotta do it all out.
Do the Sandler, Oh.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Do the Sandler do a Sandler?
Speaker 1 (21:10):
I mean she hasn't done a Sandler in for twenty
five years.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
Everybody has a Sandler out?
Speaker 5 (21:15):
No, give me don out of hell. I like it.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
The boobyes, like the butt too. I mean that's a
little Italian, but I like it. It almost sounded like
it was Mario.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Let's do this from right here, you writ Whip sees
Susan in our underwear getting ready for work. His eyes
go wide with a wolfish gleam. Oh, I like it.
The boobies, uh, I like it a butt. Whip crawls
across the bed like a horny alligator. He springs to
his feet and grabs a shock.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Susan Whip for smarting ton. What has gotten into you?
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Oh no, no, no, my lady.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
The question you need to ask yourself is what's gidding
into you?
Speaker 1 (21:55):
The answer, my weedy Whip.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Huck Susan onto the bed. We see a funny sex montage.
Susan squeals with glee as she and Whip writhe underneath
the covers. Whip pops out and dumps a cup of
water over his head like a marathon runner.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Just what the doctor ordered.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Whip wears a saddle. Susan rides his back with her
brod in his mouth like a bridle g Whip sprays
a can of whipped cream. We pull out to reveal
Susan covered in a full body banana.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Splay with a little whipped cream.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Cut two close up on Susan's face as she moans.
Her feet are up near her head, her eyes are
crossed and goofy. Close up on their golden retriever Einstein
as he covers his eyes with his paws, then he
peeks through it ath a big finish. They both cartoonishly
orgasm cut too whip and Susan li in bed exhausted.
(22:48):
We can't over to see that Einstein is also laying
next to them smoking a cigarette.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Ah yeah, Mark, I mean, this is Duck is Duck Central.
This is exactly what he's asking for.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
This is perfection. This is like instantly, I mean, top
three Sandler movies I've ever seen, and I'm only halfway
through your script and I haven't seen it yet.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
I don't love my Sandler. It does sound more like
Mario yeah than Sandler.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
I mean, but that's that's that's not going to keep
Sandler from doing it and Duck from loving it.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
We can't. We all know what you're going for, and
we can feel Sandler doing it. This is out of
this world. Good do you want to work on stuff
after this.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
You know, well we are. I mean, this is what
the whole thing is about.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Just like you and me. I got this idea for
a guy who's got a hamburger for her heart.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Is that something? I don't know. It's kind of sees
a lot.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Like burger heart?
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Yeah, is that something might be? Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
I just feel like you and me, we get this,
you know.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Oh it's probably dumb, though, what a stupid fucking idea.
I shouldn't have said it.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
No, I mean, it's just it's probably going to be
as good as this.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
You're not it's as good as this?
Speaker 6 (24:00):
Then?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Oh God kill me now because I have a cheap perfection.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Well, thank you both for liking it. I mean, I
guess we could do the last scene.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah please, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Just let's do that.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
We'll do that.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
We'll go see how it ends. So this is the
climactic final scene. I want to skip over all those
gold It's fine. Here's the thing. So he he stops
Whiteman's evil plan to team up with Sodom Hussein and
and Partying, which they called Operation Party Down, and all
the college kids vote for him and he becomes president.
So you know, after chugging a bunch of beer, and
(24:36):
you know, the American flag, and Einstein's wearing a beer helmet,
and the Sugar Ray guy is on stage, you know Grath,
which really I can't get him anymore, but.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
I know he's too big.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Wash he's not too big.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
Well, he's too big to be working at a car wash.
He's really tall, Yeah, he's very tall.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
He gets hit with the brushes all the time.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, he's like seven foot nine.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
He's the guy who does the marker on the outside.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
So that's what you paid for, gotcha. So anyway, that's
that's his whole campaign. He's got all these bikini babes
around and Steve Buscemi is his DJ and perfect, you know,
So let's just go. This is the final scene there
at the victory celebration, right, yep, I got it.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Here we are exterior victory celebration day. Whip takes the
stage to the roar of a crowd. He steps up
to the microphone.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
You all made me president, but Susan and Nelson, you
made me a good guy. There is one other thing
that I learned, and this is the most important thing
of all.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Whip takes out a ukulele and he begins to sing.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
And this is also on the tape. Right side be
it says, you can you song?
Speaker 2 (25:42):
All right?
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Here we go flipping and dipping poop so funny.
Speaker 6 (25:47):
And so off foughts. But saw the place where both
of them start. The Chinese poopoo, Jews do too, Republicans poop,
and Democrats. The only one that doesn't poop is j Loo.
Don't talk about a great Heidi.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
A toilet flushes and Jlo steps out of the bathroom.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Actually, mister President, I just took a giant stinker.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Oh my god, don't go in there.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
The crowd roars, I just won this last election.
Speaker 4 (26:21):
When I look at j Loo, I get a big erection. No,
I don't need to explain. That's why I'm the best
shit for brains, right, Mike Tyson, Yeah, Whip, that's a knockout.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
The crowd cheers. We pull out to see that Whip
stage is right smack dab in the middle of MTV's
Spring Break. All the VJs are there. We pull out
further and we see that the actual White House is
right there on South Beach in a cage. White man
is on all fours dressed like a pony getting spanked
by Paulie Shore. Ehbuy getty up. We see einste and
(27:00):
the dog driving a speedboat. We pull out to see
that Steve Buscemi is next to him. He's wearing a
wedding dress because they just got married. Buchemi turns to
the camera and he says, I like a Nimbleby's cut
to black the end.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
O great.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Mark.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
I mean, I think this is the guy smiling on us.
Dutch died, Duck tweeted, Mark delivered.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I feel like the guys who must have read Citizen
Kane the day Citizen Kane came out.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Oh, I don't feel like that at all. I'm just
excited that this is exactly what Duck wants.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
He wants it. It's perfect. I mean, this is better
than the eight Sandler movies I can think of.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
First of all, I'm not sure we can say with
one hundred percent certainty the Dutch is dead. Okay, So
I want to hold off on any of this excitement
because there is no way I am going to burn
a bridge with Dutch Huxley by giving him a twenty
five year old piece of.
Speaker 3 (28:08):
Shit script It's called shit for brains.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Well, I know that because I wrote it and it's awful.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
So TMZ has a video of them losing control of
the gurney and he rolls all the way down the
Hollywood Hills.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Now that's a movie.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Maybe it's somebody else.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Once he pops off on the traffic and the sheet
comes off, it's.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
Dutch Journey of the Gurney.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
Let's temper our excitement here.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Dutch is dead and we're going to be handing this
twenty five year old script to Duck, who is going
to love this.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Duck loves anything that's twenty five.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Well, if we're going to continue with this podcast, we
have to play by the rules of the podcast. So
let's go around. Let's rate the script, and next episode
we'll have another script to read. Okay, Brandan and go ahead.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I say, with the fullest and most pure voice of all,
from the top of the highest mountain, this is a
perfect ten.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
I will also say this is one of the worst
scripts I've ever read. Doesn't matter, ticks the box. And
in Hollywood we say that's a Hollywood square ten.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I give it a negative five.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
What you that's not a score.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
You can score whatever you'd like.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
We never actually clarified what the range of scoring was.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
No, now, once you say it, once it's done.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
It's a scale of one to ten. It's not negative.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
All right, fine, then I give last week, I give Belenore.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
You can't go back.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Well, then if you can, you if I make a rule,
if you make a role that I can make a rule.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Okay, fine, all right, So what is that? That's fifteen.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
It's fifteen, so it's tied. It's got the same score
as wins of Belenore. No, no, no, you know what.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
I love my script, but I can't even it's a
freaking turd compared to this thing. I can't let you
sit there and put yourself down.
Speaker 3 (30:00):
I think this is a turd compared to that. If
you think about the title.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
If we can't beat this script, we have no business
in show business.
Speaker 7 (30:07):
Mark.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
I'd like to take no business in show business will
be the new name of the podcast.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
I want to take your boat by proxy, and I'd
say ten. I know, as the artist, you can't look
at it fairly.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
You create it. I'm going to take your yours and
say zero. So, no matter how you cut it, it's
tied with Winds of Eleanor, which needs a lot of work,
So thanks for listening to this week's episode.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No, no, I don't want to get it to Dutch.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Note not Duck Mark join us next week when they
read Greg's script. Until then it's lights, camera action.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
But for writing, well, I'm getting a call from Duck
right now.
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Dateline NBC
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