June 20, 2024 • 33 mins
Tensions between the guys rise as Brendan brings in a revenge horror script that gets a little too personal.
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Get It to Dutch, a screenwriter's Journey. I'm Mark,
I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a team of
Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read from an
original screenplay that one of us has written. We give
notes and rank the scripts, and of course, at the
end of the season, we were going to pitch the
best script to the now deceased Dutch Huxley. But luckily
his son Duck is still alive as far as we know,
(00:27):
so hopefully we will be pitching it to him. We
had a pretty exciting, tumultuous, crazy week, so let's jump
right into new business. What the fuck? Greg? Hey, what
the holy fuck?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
We were all supposed to go to Joshua Tree smooth
things over with Duck, together as a group, and Duck
and Greg no show. What the fuck happened?
Speaker 1 (00:50):
He didn't show up? Is what happened?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Well, I was in Joshua Tree with Duck. I just
didn't connect with you, guys.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
What the hell? That was the point? You owe us money?
You shall pay?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Where were you? What happened with Duck? And what the fuck?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
You know what? Guys? Before I answer that, let me
ask you this, did you have a good time.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
An amazing game.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
It's a beautiful national park, absolutely unbelievable. Desert is so peaceful.
Being in Mars, I've never seen so many stars.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
To be there with Mark was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We got so many little antlers.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh wow, just loaded with him. I got an awesome
T shirt that cost eighty bucks. Unfortunately I ripped it
in the damn laundry.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
This it's a shame. That looks so good.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
It looked awesome on me.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
We had a classic American fare at Pappy and Harriet's.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
The Rolling Stones showed up and did a set. I
got to do my Micjagger impersonation for Mick Jagger and
he said, well are you going?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
He loved it. He wouldn't let us take a selfie,
but otherwise it was great.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Well it sounds great, guys, I don't know what you're
freaking out about.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
We had to uber both ways. You were supposed to
drive us.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Let me tell you something. This guy's a goddamned delight
to hang out with. He knows things about wines. He
knows names of wines.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Mark, Yes, yes, and what it.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Tastes good with. I had a meal with a wine
that he recommended in my mouth exploded.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Bring some of that expertise back to here, because the
wine around this apartment is awful.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I've had enough, man, I have had enough where we
should pay for our uber both ways.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
I'm not gonna pay for your uber dip.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Into the tidy sum my man.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
I don't believe in.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Don't you have stock and uber? No?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
I have stock and men in a van?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
What the fuck is man in a van?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Men with fans who pick you up and take you
where you need to go. I think it's self explanatory.
It's all in the title. Oh actually, right now, it's
just one man and one van.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Tell what happened.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Sorry, guys, I did not connect with you. Sometimes, you know,
you have to you have to play the vibes, and
the vibes weren't right. We went to Duck's house out
in the desert, his beautiful mirrored Joshua Tree retreat, and
we're cool.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Now, why didn't you invite us? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well it's hard to find because it's reflective.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Yeah, but if we were with you there, we could
have taken the journey together.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Well, they're also wasn't enough room in my slingshot two
seats one product one for me.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
In case you missed it, Greg is leasing a slingshot
which looks like a Batman car.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
It looks better than a Batman car.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
It really does well. What happened? What happened?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Look, guys, Duck and I had a lot of things
to work out. We took a bunch of drugs, We
built a fire, and then we had a ceremony. We
had a shamanic ceremony, and a lot of stuff comes
up in those.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
What came up.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
What came up for him was that I was treating
him like a steps on and he doesn't need that
right now.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
How are you treating him like a step So?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I tossle his hair. I always ask him to play catch,
I go to his baseball games. I buy him ice cream.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
That's a grown man, yeah, Gregg and older than you. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I told him if he masturbated too much, he'd go blind,
and if he didn't, he'd go completely animal crackers like
markedad that one time.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Here's a good little role for everybody about masturbation. There's
a rule about watching her hair. You shouldn't watch her
every day. That's something I learned as mike hair started
falling out, so go every other day. Here's a nice
little rhyme for you. If your hair is so nope, nope, nope.
If your hair is dry, let it fly.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
This just turned into a completely different podcast anyway, guys.
The headline is he didn't like that. I could see
what and I can see why he didn't want that.
Right now, his dad just died and I'm with his mom,
and so I agreed that I would stop treating him
like a steps on and start treating him like my
best friend again. Okay, And he agreed to give us
(04:25):
a first look deal.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Wo.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Yes, I got us a first look Wow, first first
look deal.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Deal do we get paid for that? What is? What's
the first.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Going to be the first one to look at anything
we bring to him? Guys? And he's gonna buy it?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Wasn't he already gonna look at Well, he.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Was gonna be, but not officially not he not first.
He's first in line and he's first to buy or
the listener, the listeners first. When someone has the first.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
First look at a script script and we don't film it,
definitely he reads it.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
He reads the script and he doesn't see the movie.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Basically, he wants to be the guy that looks through
the first thing that comes through the door and from Oh,
and we get money, get that look.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Look we get he gets to look at it, He
gets to look at what happens if someone else looks
at it before he looks at it.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Oh, then that's not good.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So we are not allowed to like pass this to
friend Steve nodit or and.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
They have to sign something.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
You know. I asked him that, but at that point
he was crouching on top of a rock and saying,
if he screamed the right tone, he could be one
with God.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
I believe it out there. I really believe God is anywhere.
He's in Joshua Tree.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Believe me, guys, this is better than a second look deal.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
What is a second look deal?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
That's where you sign a deal where the studio says,
if you can get any other studio to look at
this and pass, then we'll take a look at it.
So the studio is basically saying, we wouldn't give you
one foot out the door.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So it's an open door.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
One out the door.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
It's more like a closed door, but you're welcome to
knock on it.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
If you've already gone in the door. They want you
out of the door before they let you knock on
their door.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Look, what Duck is saying is closed door.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
He said, it is a closed door. You have to
knock on it, which is and if.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
You kind of have to knock on it, and you
can hear him brustling around inside.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
They're in there though, Yeah, in there.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
They sometimes are pretending not to be in there.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Are you allowed to open it if it's not locked?
Speaker 3 (06:23):
And that's always kind of a question depends on what studio.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
What can you pop your head in.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
If you pop your head in, you might not like
what you see. That's so better to knock.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
But that's not our deal.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
That's a second looking everyone in there.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
So Douck is saying, you get me the script. I'll
look at it and I'll buy it.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I'll buy it.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Well, I don't know actually if he'll buy it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Just to reset the initial point of this podcast was
to get a script to Dutch, who's now dead. But
now we're in bed with his son Duck as we
are Greg used to be in bed with his mom
still him and that's fine because we're all in bed
with Doc and that's great.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, Well, is it his comfy under the sheets.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
That sure is.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
Yeah. I mean you should feel those sheets. They're unbelievable.
They're two thousand thread count.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Okay, well I'm pumped, So let's get into this week's script,
which is Brendan's Hey, why don't you set it up
for us?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Well, I am dipping a toe and a little something
called horror excellent. Tell Yeah, So I wrote this a
couple of weeks ago. I came up with this idea
on my Uber ride home. It was that day we
all went out to lunch. You guys remember that we
decided to go get something healthy for lunch.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
No.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
I bought that teeseburger and I asked them to put
it on my salad. Mm no, do you don't remember that?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
I think?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
So I went to Burger Mystery.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Oh I guess I kind of.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Oh yeah, that's the one where you get a mystery Burger. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
They spin this giant wheel and whatever it lands on,
you got to get that. I ended up with a
triple cheese bacon barbecue.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Sauce, and all the waiters are famous TV detectives.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
No, no, no, no, that style m for Burger. I
love that place too. Every time I go there. I
get Colombo though, and he actually is a pretty good detective.
You know, he's always like, oh I noticed it stumbled
when he asked for the mixed greens. You really want
loaded bacon fries, don't you. He's always right now. Yeah,
he's actually a really good detective. I keep telling him
to get the hell out of there. He's a better
detective than a waiter never refills my iced tea a
(08:20):
second time.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
I always get McNulty from the wire.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Yeah, he's always hitting on whoever i'm with.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Yeah, he's always like, hey, hey, we got to get
this guy some ketchup for these fries.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Snot Yeah, it's like a British accent trying to.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
There's dead people in the shipping contato. Okay, it only
sounded like he needed an affronsh McNaughty.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Mcnaughte.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Where did we go Trey Ho's tacos?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
No? We went to Richard Jenkin salad bags?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Was that where we went? Why are celebrities making restaurants?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Are those guys celebrities?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (09:05):
He's great.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Richard Jenks Jenkins is great.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Every time I see that guy, I forget he makes movies.
I always think he's a state senator.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Yeah, well he's in everything. He's in a Cohen Brothers
movie for a couple minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
All right, well, okay, and he was in Six Feet
Under for a couple of minutes. Oh yeah, he was.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
He was in Shape of Water for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
He was in Burn After Reading for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
He was in the Visitor. It seemed like a couple
of minutes, but it was actually the whole movie.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
He was the dad and stepbrothers for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
That guy. Yeah right, he's not a senator.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
No, he played a senator in Kong Skull Island, I
think for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
That's right, Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
So let's set up this horror movie.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Okay, why don't we go right off the top. I
think we're just gonna get ourselves into the world. This
is a little movie called Fat Pig, and it's about
a bullied teenager named Gordon Schlumpley and this classic R
movie trope small town and his family is a bit
odd and has maybe some mysterious powers. Oh and then
(10:12):
the town is shook to its core when a series
of grizzly murders start to happen. Excellent, So I like
to take you guys right into the top. Scene one meat.
Gordon Schlumpley, an unpopular teenager.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Okay, great, that's what it says here.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
All right, Mark, would you mind doing stage or extra
putting those golden pipes of that?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
All right?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Very nice? And Greg, put your west golden pipes to
the parts I highlighted there for you.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Brass pipe song.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Rusty Brown. All right here we in copper.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Fat pig. Exterior, dilapidated house night. Gordon schlumpy an unpopular, overweighteen,
opens a rusty old gate and sadly shuffles up the
walkway to the house. His t shirt is torn. He
looks dirty and beat up. He clumps up the rotting
wood steps of his house, opens the door and walks in.
Interior continuous Gordon throws his bag down and starts to
(11:05):
head up the staircase. He pauses, tears fill his eyes.
We zoom in tight to his eyes, so we all
know we're flashing back in time. Exterior open field. Today
we see Gordon surrounded by bullies, Marv and Craig toss
poor Gordon's backpack back and forth as three beautiful girls Amanda,
Doris and Sarah cackle shoelessly twirling in the grass. Craig says, can.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
You believe he actually has books in this thing? Marv
I thought this was his feedbag, stufful of doughnuts.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Don't cry, GORDA, We're just making sure you get some exercise, bud.
As Gordon lunges for the bag, Marv side steps him
and trips him. The portly doof plops into a pile
of mud, face first. Craig takes the book bag and
unloads the contents onto Gordon's head. Amanda ties back her
long blonde hair as she.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Laughs down in the mud where a pig belongs.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
The bullies laugh and walk off their feet. Filthy we
zoom in on the eyes of Gordon of past and
returned to interior house. Gordon wipes tears away and old
steps groan as the big sad sack glumps all the
way up to the top of the winding stairs to
a solitary door. All the way at the top, the
door is adorned with strange cymbals, small paintings of fire
(12:17):
and pigs. Gordon opens the door and enters interior Grammy's room.
Grammy sits in an old rocking chair, staring deep into
a fireplace. The room is adorned with weird things like
skulls and shrunken heads and weird shit. The old Crone's
eyes snap to attention as Gordon's shadow eclipses over her.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Gordon, my sweet boy, that fayat hats told me much
of your day, Come get your sweet.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
The old gal's hand pulls a dark, mysterious cookie from
a jar that looks like a cauldron. The rotund boy
quickly shuffles over and begins to devour the sweet from
her hand. As we cut to interior Amanda's kitchen. Night
close on Amanda's long, elegant feet as they spin the
girl around. She dances around her kitchen and nothing but
(13:02):
a T shirt and her underwear, singing into a spoon
she's using to make a yogurt parfe.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Shake it off, Shake it Off.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
A loud bang on the back door rattles her the fuck.
She pads over to the back door and looks out nothing.
She shrugs and slaps her elegant floppers back over to
the counter that is covered in granola, avocados and yogurt
and shit blam. The door rattles again with a violent rumble.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Craig marv. If you chere fucking with me, I'll kill
you corroll.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
The bottom of the door explodes as a huge pig
runs into the kitchen ah. The pig knocks the girl
to the ground. It squeals a high pitched nightmare sound
and snapped into her left foot. Amanda screams bloody murder.
Blood pours from her footless limb. She tries to crawl away,
but is pulled back as the swine bites into her
(13:53):
right foot. The hungry slopper takes huge chomps and munches
her leg down hole. Amanda's dreams turned to gurgles as
blood pours from her mouth, her eyes cross and go lifeless.
We hear the ravenous sounds of the pig feasting as
we fade to black exterior backyard night. We slowly fade
(14:14):
up and through the window we see the kitchen as trashed. Hell,
food and blood cover the floor and walls as police
walk about surveying the grizzly crime scene. Meanwhile, in the
backyard bushes, we hear grunting the camera lands on the
killer pig squatting to defecate. He finishes and quickly scurries away.
The camera stays on the pile of his excrement. The
(14:35):
dukie seems to hum an evil tone. A blonde hair
slowly grows out of it, and scene wading. Holy shit, man.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Do you have a foot? Finish? But there's so much
fools and that's slopping.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I'm just explaining what the camera seeing.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
So they're always on the feet. Why the feet? Is
it like a pig's eye of you or is it?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Do you want to Yeah, it's just like it's talking
about her feet more than serumst tag.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
If you have a foot fetish, Hey, no kink shaming.
If that's your thing to just that's your thing. Never stopped?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Do you what?
Speaker 1 (15:13):
What are we? Never stop? What? Where are you going?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Where's your problem? Dude? What do you not?
Speaker 1 (15:19):
What? What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Not?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Where are you going? What's not? Where?
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Bring your elegant flappers back across the floor and talk
to us. Man, don't where's he going? I don't know
the fuck? What is wrong?
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He's acting like? What is he doing?
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Dude? You think this is I'll be.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Honest, he's been weird all wheat.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
He's been really, really strange.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
He's not returning my calls anytime I talk to him.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
He says, nap, I never call him, but I'm sure
if I did, he wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Now he's showing up weird with a script with two
assholes named Marvin Craig.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Oh my gosh, I just noticed that. To be honest,
I never really paid much attention to his character details.
Just the foot stuff stuck out to me.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Here's a theory. What do you think he's mad? We
laughed at his cheeseburger salad I do last week?
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Well, because he brought a burger into Richard Jenkins salad bags.
You can't get burgers there, and he tore it up
and put it into.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
The bread and French fries.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yes, he's back back again.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Hey, welcome back man.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Boom boom boom Brodley Chipper. Everything just had to go
to the bathroom is cleansed.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, it seems so so mad is everything? Okay? Oh great?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
No, I'm great. You guys want to keep reading this bad.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
But yeah, let's do it. Yeah, set up the next scene.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay, So I want to take you a couple of
scenes down here. Flip a couple of pages here. This
is the scene. Everyone in town is shocked about Amanda's
terrible murder when shockingly, she shows back up a lot
of shocks. She is, you, guys never stopped well, hey man.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
This is the podcast. Just having fun.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
We're just having fun. What's not Just come sit back down, man,
I'm just messing around.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Yes, he's mec I'm back, guys.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Yeah, Oh, I just said, why'd you just go over
and stand in the corner looking at the wall and
then turned around and came back.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Caf got tight, wanted to stretch it out.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Okay, everything's fine. We're gonna take your face value. Everything's fine.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Okay, So everyone thinks Amanda's dead, and then she returns
to school alive. Oh and guess what. She's having lunch
with Gordon, and she's laughing at everything Gordon says, and
she has this weird, creepy smile every time she talks
to her friends. Suddenly she thinks Gordon is amazing. Her
friends Sarah and Doris think this is really weird. So
(17:39):
in this scene, Amanda's friends Doris and Sarah catch Gordon
and Amanda in the hallway and they confront them.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh fun, all right, cool interior school hallway. Later, Sarah
and Doris walk down a hallway and spot Amanda walking
with Gordon. Hey, this thought you were murdered. Get over here,
we need to talk. Amanda and Gordon look scared and
take off around a corner.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Oh you bet, run, you little piggies.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Sarah and Doris chase after them. They whip around the
corner and two giant pigs stand, grunting an evil grunt.
The pigs charge the girls, and now Doris and Sarah
turn and run. Sarah runs straight down the hall to
the bathroom, losing Doris. In a panic, she hides in
the last toilet stall in a row of four. She
closes the door and squats on the toilet, her sandaled
feet just small enough to hold her steady on the
(18:23):
toilet seat. She hears the bathroom door slowly open and
tries to stifle her nervous breath. All is quiet, and
then wham the door to the first stall is kicked in.
Sarah whippers. Wham, the door to the second stall is
kicked in. Tears streamed down Sarah's face. Wham, the door
to the third stall is kicked in one left. Sarah
(18:44):
is terrified. Whow Sarah screams, and his face to face
with Doris.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Shit, girl, there you are where the psycho pigs? Did
we lose him?
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Sarah opens her mouth to speak, but before she can
get a word out, a pig flies up out of
the toilet like jaws and bites her into Blood sprays
out of both ends of her chomped halves. Sarah's torso
flies forward and knocks Doris backwards. She falls and cracks
her head so hard on the sink it's lopped off
and flies to the air, landing in a toilet bowl.
(19:14):
Blood sprays from her neck hole like a geyser before
her body crumples to the floor. Sarah, just a torso
now screams in terror as the bathroom door flies open.
The second killer pig charges in. The pig bites her
nose and pulls back. Sarah's skin stretches until screlch her
face is ripped off. Sarah's face is now just exposed
(19:37):
muscles and tendons, but she's still alive as both pigs
set to feasting upon her. End scene.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Wonder right heavy to her feet do we did have a.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Question?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
What the camera sees guys.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Yeah, and it's camera first.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
How'd the pig get through the toilet?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Who cares?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Right, I'm just this is not.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Just another one of my stupid ideas.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
We're just asking the logic of.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Maybe the pig was thin enough. Okay, all right, maybe
he ate a healthy lunch. And maybe just because the
words it's a pig doesn't mean it's fat.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I'm saying that movie is called Fat Pig, and I'm
wondering what the logic of the pigs getting through the pipesays?
That's all?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Are all the pigs fat? Because you said it was
a second pig?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Okay, you know what, Who fucking cares? Maybe it's all
movie magic? All right? So why are you guys mansplaining.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
It to me? Man's plaining. It's not what it means.
Let me break down man's plaining for you.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Now?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
What is this?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
What are you doing now? What is the problem? Man?
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Yes, thanks guys, let's do the next Thanks for what
what is going on? I want all that edited out?
Thanks guys.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Thanks?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
What do you think you can destructive notes? You're right, man,
maybe I'll look at that pig thing.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Yeah, I've just it's a movie called fat pig, and
I just wanted to know if there was a cool
story beat about the pigs crawling through the pipes or something.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And there's a lot of feet. Let's do the next scene.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
You want to know what's not horror? Seeing the guy
creep behind the corner before he flies out of the corner. Okay,
it's all about chocks, right. You don't see Freddy hide
behind a bush before he explodes out of a fucking bush,
because that's not scary.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Who's Freddy is in the script? Kroger? Oh, Freddy Kroger,
the grocer, grocery guy, the owner of the Kroger, the hunt,
I said, Krueger, the haunted grocery store.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
That's an idea, Freddy Kroger, Freddy Kroger.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
That is an idea, a bit of a parody. Maybe
you could go eat Cheeseburger's the grocery store.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Thanks, guys, up the scene.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Let's just get through it. It's a good script. It's
a good script.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Thank you. Thanks guys. So I want to take you
later on into the script. Mervin Craig, the two asshole
bullies show up at Gordon's birthday party, which is at
a big nightclub. When they arrive, everyone is having this
amazing time. Okay, Gordon's on stage. He is crushing New
York State of Mind by Billy Joel. But then someone
(22:24):
in the crowd spots Marvin Craig, and they party just
stops dead silence, and everyone turns and stares with this
creepy stare and these creepy smiles, and they start chanting
you don't belong, You don't belong, and they chase after them,
and the boys are running. So this is the scene
where they have escaped the danger, but they start to
(22:45):
realize what is happening to the town.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
Okay, great, this takes place present day.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Oh, he's saying New York state of Mind, Billy Joel
is timeless.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
It could be Jay z right.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
You have a problem with Billy Joel.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
No, I'm just saying, that's kind a funny thing for
a high school student to sing Billy Joel and be
like celebrated for it.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Sunglasses are just things until Billy Joel wore them.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Okay, okay, man, all right, here we are interior nightclub
night Marvin Craig finally safe in a back room collapse,
breathless to the floor. I don't get any of this.
We were the most popular kids in school. Now, Gordon is.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
This has to be something to do with all those pigs. Right,
A bunch of crazy pigs show up buddy crime scenes
with nobody, then everybody is crazy, happy and in love
with Gordon.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Wait a minute, remember what share If Hoppringer was saying
the other day before his office was covered in blood
and he suddenly loved Gordon. He said, the Schlumpy family
is into some weird religious voodoo or some shit. They've
been outcast in this town for years.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Right, and their house is built on the ashes of
that old Satanic temple that was built on that Native
American burial.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Holy shit, Craig Gordon is magically turning himself into a
killer pig.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
And he's eating his enemies and shitting the mouth. And
then the shit grows into Gordon loving daffelgangers who can
also turn into pigs.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
All of our friends are shit people, and old Gordon
Schlumpley is the magic killer pig. What's that?
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Chaps?
Speaker 1 (24:07):
The boys gasp and turn to see Gordon looming over them.
Back off, Gordo, you ain't turning us into shit. People
through your magic pig guts pig.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
You don't think, no need to think, big boy, You're
an evil magic pig who eats his enemies then craps friends.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Oh my god, guys, No, it's Grammy, Grammy. I thought
it was weird how popular I got. I guess I
just wanted to believe I was cool.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
What are you saying, Gordon, You had nothing to do
with this.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
My grandmother, she's the High Priestess of the Swines of
the Fire Goddess. She must have done all this. Guys,
I swear I didn't know.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Gordon cries Marvin Craig's hearts are moved. He knew I
wasn't popular. Gordon. It's okay, man. This is our fault.
More than anything, we made your life.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Hell yeah, I guess at the heart of all this,
we were just two insecure jerks who never took the
time to see how awesome you are your knowledge.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Of superhero trivia. You speak Elvi, you sing it sound
just like Billy Joel when you sing.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Hell you invented cheeseburger salad. What it It's delicious and healthy.
I never thought that could be done.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
So there it is. Yeah, but so I'm just gonna
I want to rip the band aid off here. Man,
did you hear us making fun of you about the
cheeseburger salad?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I have no idea, mad as we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
You're mad at us for saying that it was a
goofy idea.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
Can we please read the Script's up a triple cheeseburger
and stuck it in a bag of lettuce and said
it was healthy.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Guys, we are in the middle of a script. Okay, please, Okay,
did dramas how you guys are doing great performances? I
don't want to lose this.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Okay, Okay, back into it. We are so sorry, Gordon.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
We are massive pieces of shit.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
I have every right to hate you guys right now.
But like the great Martin Luther King Junior says, we
must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who
is devoid of power to forgive is devoid of the
power to love.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Marvin Craig are stunned by this gentle giant's capacy city
to forgive, and feel even worse about themselves.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
When do you say we team up, boys and go
kill my grandmother?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Craig and marsh Beam. This guy may actually save the
whole town.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
We just have to get to the bottom of this
cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Can we just clear the air? Yes, I don't, because
you're acting like it's not a big deal and it's
clearly upsetting you.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Guys.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
How do you know that we were making fun of
the cheeseburger salad for not being healthy?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Would you guys make fun of the cheeseburger's house.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
We were just saying that it's a funny idea that
someone would.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Got everything is about you two.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Guys, Okay, but Marv and Craig are clearly us is not.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
And I don't even know what you're talking about the
cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
I'm just trying to You went down the street, you
got a triple cheeseburger with bacon and extra cheese, and
then you came back. You ripped it up and put
it in a salad bag and shook it up.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Let me say, for the both of us, I'm sorry, Sorry,
we made fun.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Apologize for me. Mark.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Can we read the next scene? How many more are there?
Just that last one?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
You know what, I'll take it to the very end
where they confront the grandmother. My head is spinning because
I'm just trying to cut through the script. I have
no idea. You guys are all upset about Okay, So
here we are there at the house again. They're about
to take down the evil Grammy okay.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Exterior dilapidated house. Night the boys approach Gordon's house. Ominous
clouds swirl in the sky. The house is totally dark
except for the flicker of fire in the attic.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
She's home. We've got to get to the attic.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Shouldn't be too hard, ah.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I wouldn't be too sure about that. They turned to
see all the people from the party staring wide eyed
and silent at them, large smiles plastered on their faces.
They open their mouths and speak as one What.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Are you doing with those nasty boys? You belong with us.
We love you, Grandma. You can't do this. You can't
force people to like me. You have to let them
grow to see that I am something special on my own. Sure,
the idea of a cheeseburger salad being healthy sounds silly
(27:55):
at first, but if you give people a second to
think about it, they'll actually see that it's a very
good idea.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Marvin Craig nod. Gordon is right. His words hit home.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
You dari fi, then you die.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
The mass of people begin to snort and grunt Gordon.
The crowd begins to writhe and groan, their joints snapping
and bending as they turn into pigs.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
Roun.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
The three boys take off at a full sprint to
the house. The sound of hooves followed them up the
steps and through the door. They hit the main staircase
and race up. The door behind them explodes into a
shower of splinters as a wave of pigs pour into
the house.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Go get to the attic and kill Grammy. I'll hold
them back.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
Marvin Craig begin weeping.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Gordon, No, we can't lose.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Gordon smiles a wry smile like Indiana Jones.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Nice yo, I got this.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Moved by his courage, the weeping boys turn and head
up the staircase, blubbering. They reach the attic door.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
Here goes Snubby, be brave like Gordon.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
They kick the door and they see the back of
Grammy's rocking chair, the old woman slowly rocking in front
of the fire.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Time to die, Grammy.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
The old woman just laughs, a deep, soulless laugh that
freezes the two bulls in the tracks. I think not,
Greg and Mick, I think not. The old woman stands
and turns to face them. They are stunned. Grammy is Gordon?
Speaker 3 (29:26):
Gordon?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
That's right, fuck faces, I heard you make fun of
me and my cheeseburger salad. You are not better than
me and I am cool.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Flew of pigs rush up behind Mark and Greg. One
pig snout goes to Greg's button, bites down in yanks.
His whole spine and skull are pulled from his backside,
along with a huge gut of blood and shit.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Mark is knocked to the ground. His pigs pull him
from every direction. His shoes are ripped off. The pigs
see his feet and think they're weird and leave them be,
deciding instead to latch onto his less weird ankles. The
others grab his wrists. They begin to yank in different directions,
pulling the fool, who is unimaginative about food apart. He
screams in agony. His hair is yanked. He looks up
(30:11):
to see the puller is Gordon.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
He's the old boy. Let's not lose our head.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Gordon pulls his head off as the other pigs rip
his arms and legs from his body. Gordon holds Mark's
head high to a mass of squealing pigs and laughs
a dark and evil laugh as he talks it to
his hungry piggies. EO we we we are hole and
so fucking it.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
It's just all about the cheeseburger salad marks.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Fuckheads, that's about you.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
We were not surprised.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
We're not surprised you actually called us Gregon Mark in
the last scene. Wait, just fuck learning.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Rise, fuckheads, that was about you, we know, maybe.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Learn to use find replacement shit.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Yeah, I fucked up.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I wanted you guys to fucking just read that whole
thing in this boom eat it.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
I heard you.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
I heard what you said about the cheeseburger salad. You
thought I went to the bus, I forgot my backpack.
I came back to get it, and there you two
were gabbling and gaffing and laughing away like a couple
of golden girls. Friends don't make fun of friends when
they're not around.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Friends talk to friends about when they're upset, and don't
write an entire script that takes up an entire episode
to tell us they were mad. About a cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
What does gabbling mean? And you had a gaffer gabbling.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
When you're gabbing and also laughing.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
We did not have a gaffer.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
There your tape, you're talking talk and then you're laughing
at the same time. It's a bad thing to be
a gabbler.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Okay, so I listen. I'm sorry about the cheeseburger salad.
I'm sorry I made fun of you. I stand behind
my view that it's not it's not healthy choice.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
It's lettuce, it's tomato, and yes there's ground beef. Yes
there's cheese. Yes there is bacon a cruton, which is
healthier than just having a normal bun. The special sauce
is just salad dressing. It's the same thing. Is What
I'm trying to say is that cheeseburger salad is a
very good idea. And you're sories mean.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
A lot to me.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Thanks guys.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
You want us to vote on this, No, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
What, Truthfully, this wasn't even a fair submission. This was
a test of friendship, and you guys passed lesson learned.
Don't be gabblers. Huh. We just can't tear each other.
It's not a man this town.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
But if we're going to come clean, that's not a word.
Not a word you're you're trying to use it like
it's an actual.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
So is that just a You brought a cheeseburger for
lunch today with just a lot of extra lettuce, and
do you think that's a salad?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
All right?
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Okay, don't where are you going?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Man?
Speaker 4 (32:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Okay, it's a studio apartment. You can't just keep walking
over there.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Fuck it? You know what? This has been fun on
as always.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I want to read it again. You guys got to
learn their lesson again.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
I want to read it. We're not reading it again,
not reading this. End of podcast, lights camera action, but
for writing
Welcome to Get It to Dutch, a screenwriter's Journey. I'm Mark,
I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a team of
Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read from an
original screenplay that one of us has written. We give
notes and rank the scripts, and of course, at the
end of the season, we were going to pitch the
best script to the now deceased Dutch Huxley. But luckily
his son Duck is still alive as far as we know,
(00:27):
so hopefully we will be pitching it to him. We
had a pretty exciting, tumultuous, crazy week, so let's jump
right into new business. What the fuck? Greg? Hey, what
the holy fuck?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
We were all supposed to go to Joshua Tree smooth
things over with Duck, together as a group, and Duck
and Greg no show. What the fuck happened?
Speaker 1 (00:50):
He didn't show up? Is what happened?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Well, I was in Joshua Tree with Duck. I just
didn't connect with you, guys.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
What the hell? That was the point? You owe us money?
You shall pay?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Where were you? What happened with Duck? And what the fuck?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
You know what? Guys? Before I answer that, let me
ask you this, did you have a good time.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
An amazing game.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
It's a beautiful national park, absolutely unbelievable. Desert is so peaceful.
Being in Mars, I've never seen so many stars.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
To be there with Mark was fantastic.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We got so many little antlers.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Oh wow, just loaded with him. I got an awesome
T shirt that cost eighty bucks. Unfortunately I ripped it
in the damn laundry.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
This it's a shame. That looks so good.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
It looked awesome on me.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
We had a classic American fare at Pappy and Harriet's.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
The Rolling Stones showed up and did a set. I
got to do my Micjagger impersonation for Mick Jagger and
he said, well are you going?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
He loved it. He wouldn't let us take a selfie,
but otherwise it was great.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Well it sounds great, guys, I don't know what you're
freaking out about.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Unbelievable.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
We had to uber both ways. You were supposed to
drive us.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Let me tell you something. This guy's a goddamned delight
to hang out with. He knows things about wines. He
knows names of wines.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Mark, Yes, yes, and what it.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Tastes good with. I had a meal with a wine
that he recommended in my mouth exploded.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Bring some of that expertise back to here, because the
wine around this apartment is awful.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I've had enough, man, I have had enough where we
should pay for our uber both ways.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
I'm not gonna pay for your uber dip.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Into the tidy sum my man.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
I don't believe in.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Don't you have stock and uber? No?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
I have stock and men in a van?
Speaker 2 (02:27):
What the fuck is man in a van?
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Men with fans who pick you up and take you
where you need to go. I think it's self explanatory.
It's all in the title. Oh actually, right now, it's
just one man and one van.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Tell what happened.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Sorry, guys, I did not connect with you. Sometimes, you know,
you have to you have to play the vibes, and
the vibes weren't right. We went to Duck's house out
in the desert, his beautiful mirrored Joshua Tree retreat, and
we're cool.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Now, why didn't you invite us? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well it's hard to find because it's reflective.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Yeah, but if we were with you there, we could
have taken the journey together.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
Well, they're also wasn't enough room in my slingshot two
seats one product one for me.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
In case you missed it, Greg is leasing a slingshot
which looks like a Batman car.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
It looks better than a Batman car.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
It really does well. What happened? What happened?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Look, guys, Duck and I had a lot of things
to work out. We took a bunch of drugs, We
built a fire, and then we had a ceremony. We
had a shamanic ceremony, and a lot of stuff comes
up in those.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
What came up.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
What came up for him was that I was treating
him like a steps on and he doesn't need that
right now.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
How are you treating him like a step So?
Speaker 3 (03:32):
I tossle his hair. I always ask him to play catch,
I go to his baseball games. I buy him ice cream.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
That's a grown man, yeah, Gregg and older than you. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I told him if he masturbated too much, he'd go blind,
and if he didn't, he'd go completely animal crackers like
markedad that one time.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Here's a good little role for everybody about masturbation. There's
a rule about watching her hair. You shouldn't watch her
every day. That's something I learned as mike hair started
falling out, so go every other day. Here's a nice
little rhyme for you. If your hair is so nope, nope, nope.
If your hair is dry, let it fly.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
This just turned into a completely different podcast anyway, guys.
The headline is he didn't like that. I could see
what and I can see why he didn't want that.
Right now, his dad just died and I'm with his mom,
and so I agreed that I would stop treating him
like a steps on and start treating him like my
best friend again. Okay, And he agreed to give us
(04:25):
a first look deal.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Wo.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Yes, I got us a first look Wow, first first
look deal.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Deal do we get paid for that? What is? What's
the first.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Going to be the first one to look at anything
we bring to him? Guys? And he's gonna buy it?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Wasn't he already gonna look at Well, he.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Was gonna be, but not officially not he not first.
He's first in line and he's first to buy or
the listener, the listeners first. When someone has the first.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
First look at a script script and we don't film it,
definitely he reads it.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
He reads the script and he doesn't see the movie.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Basically, he wants to be the guy that looks through
the first thing that comes through the door and from Oh,
and we get money, get that look.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Look we get he gets to look at it, He
gets to look at what happens if someone else looks
at it before he looks at it.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
Oh, then that's not good.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So we are not allowed to like pass this to
friend Steve nodit or and.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
They have to sign something.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
You know. I asked him that, but at that point
he was crouching on top of a rock and saying,
if he screamed the right tone, he could be one
with God.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
I believe it out there. I really believe God is anywhere.
He's in Joshua Tree.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Believe me, guys, this is better than a second look deal.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
What is a second look deal?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
That's where you sign a deal where the studio says,
if you can get any other studio to look at
this and pass, then we'll take a look at it.
So the studio is basically saying, we wouldn't give you
one foot out the door.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So it's an open door.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
One out the door.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
It's more like a closed door, but you're welcome to
knock on it.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
If you've already gone in the door. They want you
out of the door before they let you knock on
their door.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
Look, what Duck is saying is closed door.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
He said, it is a closed door. You have to
knock on it, which is and if.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
You kind of have to knock on it, and you
can hear him brustling around inside.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
They're in there though, Yeah, in there.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
They sometimes are pretending not to be in there.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Are you allowed to open it if it's not locked?
Speaker 3 (06:23):
And that's always kind of a question depends on what studio.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
What can you pop your head in.
Speaker 3 (06:27):
If you pop your head in, you might not like
what you see. That's so better to knock.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
But that's not our deal.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
That's a second looking everyone in there.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
So Douck is saying, you get me the script. I'll
look at it and I'll buy it.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I'll buy it.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Well, I don't know actually if he'll buy it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Just to reset the initial point of this podcast was
to get a script to Dutch, who's now dead. But
now we're in bed with his son Duck as we
are Greg used to be in bed with his mom
still him and that's fine because we're all in bed
with Doc and that's great.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, Well, is it his comfy under the sheets.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
That sure is.
Speaker 3 (07:09):
Yeah. I mean you should feel those sheets. They're unbelievable.
They're two thousand thread count.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Okay, well I'm pumped, So let's get into this week's script,
which is Brendan's Hey, why don't you set it up
for us?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Well, I am dipping a toe and a little something
called horror excellent. Tell Yeah, So I wrote this a
couple of weeks ago. I came up with this idea
on my Uber ride home. It was that day we
all went out to lunch. You guys remember that we
decided to go get something healthy for lunch.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
No.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
I bought that teeseburger and I asked them to put
it on my salad. Mm no, do you don't remember that?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
I think?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
So I went to Burger Mystery.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Oh I guess I kind of.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Oh yeah, that's the one where you get a mystery Burger. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
They spin this giant wheel and whatever it lands on,
you got to get that. I ended up with a
triple cheese bacon barbecue.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Sauce, and all the waiters are famous TV detectives.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
No, no, no, no, that style m for Burger. I
love that place too. Every time I go there. I
get Colombo though, and he actually is a pretty good detective.
You know, he's always like, oh I noticed it stumbled
when he asked for the mixed greens. You really want
loaded bacon fries, don't you. He's always right now. Yeah,
he's actually a really good detective. I keep telling him
to get the hell out of there. He's a better
detective than a waiter never refills my iced tea a
(08:20):
second time.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
I always get McNulty from the wire.
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Yeah, he's always hitting on whoever i'm with.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Yeah, he's always like, hey, hey, we got to get
this guy some ketchup for these fries.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Snot Yeah, it's like a British accent trying to.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
There's dead people in the shipping contato. Okay, it only
sounded like he needed an affronsh McNaughty.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Mcnaughte.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Where did we go Trey Ho's tacos?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
No? We went to Richard Jenkin salad bags?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Was that where we went? Why are celebrities making restaurants?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
Are those guys celebrities?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (09:05):
He's great.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Richard Jenks Jenkins is great.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Every time I see that guy, I forget he makes movies.
I always think he's a state senator.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Yeah, well he's in everything. He's in a Cohen Brothers
movie for a couple minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
All right, well, okay, and he was in Six Feet
Under for a couple of minutes. Oh yeah, he was.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
He was in Shape of Water for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
He was in Burn After Reading for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
He was in the Visitor. It seemed like a couple
of minutes, but it was actually the whole movie.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
He was the dad and stepbrothers for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
That guy. Yeah right, he's not a senator.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
No, he played a senator in Kong Skull Island, I
think for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
That's right, Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
So let's set up this horror movie.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Okay, why don't we go right off the top. I
think we're just gonna get ourselves into the world. This
is a little movie called Fat Pig, and it's about
a bullied teenager named Gordon Schlumpley and this classic R
movie trope small town and his family is a bit
odd and has maybe some mysterious powers. Oh and then
(10:12):
the town is shook to its core when a series
of grizzly murders start to happen. Excellent, So I like
to take you guys right into the top. Scene one meat.
Gordon Schlumpley, an unpopular teenager.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Okay, great, that's what it says here.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
All right, Mark, would you mind doing stage or extra
putting those golden pipes of that?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
All right?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Very nice? And Greg, put your west golden pipes to
the parts I highlighted there for you.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Brass pipe song.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Rusty Brown. All right here we in copper.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Fat pig. Exterior, dilapidated house night. Gordon schlumpy an unpopular, overweighteen,
opens a rusty old gate and sadly shuffles up the
walkway to the house. His t shirt is torn. He
looks dirty and beat up. He clumps up the rotting
wood steps of his house, opens the door and walks in.
Interior continuous Gordon throws his bag down and starts to
(11:05):
head up the staircase. He pauses, tears fill his eyes.
We zoom in tight to his eyes, so we all
know we're flashing back in time. Exterior open field. Today
we see Gordon surrounded by bullies, Marv and Craig toss
poor Gordon's backpack back and forth as three beautiful girls Amanda,
Doris and Sarah cackle shoelessly twirling in the grass. Craig says, can.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
You believe he actually has books in this thing? Marv
I thought this was his feedbag, stufful of doughnuts.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Don't cry, GORDA, We're just making sure you get some exercise, bud.
As Gordon lunges for the bag, Marv side steps him
and trips him. The portly doof plops into a pile
of mud, face first. Craig takes the book bag and
unloads the contents onto Gordon's head. Amanda ties back her
long blonde hair as she.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Laughs down in the mud where a pig belongs.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
The bullies laugh and walk off their feet. Filthy we
zoom in on the eyes of Gordon of past and
returned to interior house. Gordon wipes tears away and old
steps groan as the big sad sack glumps all the
way up to the top of the winding stairs to
a solitary door. All the way at the top, the
door is adorned with strange cymbals, small paintings of fire
(12:17):
and pigs. Gordon opens the door and enters interior Grammy's room.
Grammy sits in an old rocking chair, staring deep into
a fireplace. The room is adorned with weird things like
skulls and shrunken heads and weird shit. The old Crone's
eyes snap to attention as Gordon's shadow eclipses over her.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Gordon, my sweet boy, that fayat hats told me much
of your day, Come get your sweet.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
The old gal's hand pulls a dark, mysterious cookie from
a jar that looks like a cauldron. The rotund boy
quickly shuffles over and begins to devour the sweet from
her hand. As we cut to interior Amanda's kitchen. Night
close on Amanda's long, elegant feet as they spin the
girl around. She dances around her kitchen and nothing but
(13:02):
a T shirt and her underwear, singing into a spoon
she's using to make a yogurt parfe.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Shake it off, Shake it Off.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
A loud bang on the back door rattles her the fuck.
She pads over to the back door and looks out nothing.
She shrugs and slaps her elegant floppers back over to
the counter that is covered in granola, avocados and yogurt
and shit blam. The door rattles again with a violent rumble.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Craig marv. If you chere fucking with me, I'll kill
you corroll.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
The bottom of the door explodes as a huge pig
runs into the kitchen ah. The pig knocks the girl
to the ground. It squeals a high pitched nightmare sound
and snapped into her left foot. Amanda screams bloody murder.
Blood pours from her footless limb. She tries to crawl away,
but is pulled back as the swine bites into her
(13:53):
right foot. The hungry slopper takes huge chomps and munches
her leg down hole. Amanda's dreams turned to gurgles as
blood pours from her mouth, her eyes cross and go lifeless.
We hear the ravenous sounds of the pig feasting as
we fade to black exterior backyard night. We slowly fade
(14:14):
up and through the window we see the kitchen as trashed. Hell,
food and blood cover the floor and walls as police
walk about surveying the grizzly crime scene. Meanwhile, in the
backyard bushes, we hear grunting the camera lands on the
killer pig squatting to defecate. He finishes and quickly scurries away.
The camera stays on the pile of his excrement. The
(14:35):
dukie seems to hum an evil tone. A blonde hair
slowly grows out of it, and scene wading. Holy shit, man.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Do you have a foot? Finish? But there's so much
fools and that's slopping.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I'm just explaining what the camera seeing.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
So they're always on the feet. Why the feet? Is
it like a pig's eye of you or is it?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Do you want to Yeah, it's just like it's talking
about her feet more than serumst tag.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
If you have a foot fetish, Hey, no kink shaming.
If that's your thing to just that's your thing. Never stopped?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Do you what?
Speaker 1 (15:13):
What are we? Never stop? What? Where are you going?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Where's your problem? Dude? What do you not?
Speaker 1 (15:19):
What? What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Not?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Where are you going? What's not? Where?
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Bring your elegant flappers back across the floor and talk
to us. Man, don't where's he going? I don't know
the fuck? What is wrong?
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He's acting like? What is he doing?
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Dude? You think this is I'll be.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Honest, he's been weird all wheat.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
He's been really, really strange.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
He's not returning my calls anytime I talk to him.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
He says, nap, I never call him, but I'm sure
if I did, he wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Now he's showing up weird with a script with two
assholes named Marvin Craig.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
Oh my gosh, I just noticed that. To be honest,
I never really paid much attention to his character details.
Just the foot stuff stuck out to me.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Here's a theory. What do you think he's mad? We
laughed at his cheeseburger salad I do last week?
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Well, because he brought a burger into Richard Jenkins salad bags.
You can't get burgers there, and he tore it up
and put it into.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
The bread and French fries.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yes, he's back back again.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Hey, welcome back man.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Boom boom boom Brodley Chipper. Everything just had to go
to the bathroom is cleansed.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, it seems so so mad is everything? Okay? Oh great?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
No, I'm great. You guys want to keep reading this bad.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
But yeah, let's do it. Yeah, set up the next scene.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay, So I want to take you a couple of
scenes down here. Flip a couple of pages here. This
is the scene. Everyone in town is shocked about Amanda's
terrible murder when shockingly, she shows back up a lot
of shocks. She is, you, guys never stopped well, hey man.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
This is the podcast. Just having fun.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
We're just having fun. What's not Just come sit back down, man,
I'm just messing around.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Yes, he's mec I'm back, guys.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Yeah, Oh, I just said, why'd you just go over
and stand in the corner looking at the wall and
then turned around and came back.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Caf got tight, wanted to stretch it out.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Okay, everything's fine. We're gonna take your face value. Everything's fine.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Okay, So everyone thinks Amanda's dead, and then she returns
to school alive. Oh and guess what. She's having lunch
with Gordon, and she's laughing at everything Gordon says, and
she has this weird, creepy smile every time she talks
to her friends. Suddenly she thinks Gordon is amazing. Her
friends Sarah and Doris think this is really weird. So
(17:39):
in this scene, Amanda's friends Doris and Sarah catch Gordon
and Amanda in the hallway and they confront them.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh fun, all right, cool interior school hallway. Later, Sarah
and Doris walk down a hallway and spot Amanda walking
with Gordon. Hey, this thought you were murdered. Get over here,
we need to talk. Amanda and Gordon look scared and
take off around a corner.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
Oh you bet, run, you little piggies.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Sarah and Doris chase after them. They whip around the
corner and two giant pigs stand, grunting an evil grunt.
The pigs charge the girls, and now Doris and Sarah
turn and run. Sarah runs straight down the hall to
the bathroom, losing Doris. In a panic, she hides in
the last toilet stall in a row of four. She
closes the door and squats on the toilet, her sandaled
feet just small enough to hold her steady on the
(18:23):
toilet seat. She hears the bathroom door slowly open and
tries to stifle her nervous breath. All is quiet, and
then wham the door to the first stall is kicked in.
Sarah whippers. Wham, the door to the second stall is
kicked in. Tears streamed down Sarah's face. Wham, the door
to the third stall is kicked in one left. Sarah
(18:44):
is terrified. Whow Sarah screams, and his face to face
with Doris.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Shit, girl, there you are where the psycho pigs? Did
we lose him?
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Sarah opens her mouth to speak, but before she can
get a word out, a pig flies up out of
the toilet like jaws and bites her into Blood sprays
out of both ends of her chomped halves. Sarah's torso
flies forward and knocks Doris backwards. She falls and cracks
her head so hard on the sink it's lopped off
and flies to the air, landing in a toilet bowl.
(19:14):
Blood sprays from her neck hole like a geyser before
her body crumples to the floor. Sarah, just a torso
now screams in terror as the bathroom door flies open.
The second killer pig charges in. The pig bites her
nose and pulls back. Sarah's skin stretches until screlch her
face is ripped off. Sarah's face is now just exposed
(19:37):
muscles and tendons, but she's still alive as both pigs
set to feasting upon her. End scene.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
Wonder right heavy to her feet do we did have a.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Question?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
What the camera sees guys.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Yeah, and it's camera first.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
How'd the pig get through the toilet?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Who cares?
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Right, I'm just this is not.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Just another one of my stupid ideas.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
We're just asking the logic of.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Maybe the pig was thin enough. Okay, all right, maybe
he ate a healthy lunch. And maybe just because the
words it's a pig doesn't mean it's fat.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I'm saying that movie is called Fat Pig, and I'm
wondering what the logic of the pigs getting through the pipesays?
That's all?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Are all the pigs fat? Because you said it was
a second pig?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Okay, you know what, Who fucking cares? Maybe it's all
movie magic? All right? So why are you guys mansplaining.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
It to me? Man's plaining. It's not what it means.
Let me break down man's plaining for you.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Now?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
What is this?
Speaker 1 (20:36):
What are you doing now? What is the problem? Man?
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Yes, thanks guys, let's do the next Thanks for what
what is going on? I want all that edited out?
Thanks guys.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Thanks?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
What do you think you can destructive notes? You're right, man,
maybe I'll look at that pig thing.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Yeah, I've just it's a movie called fat pig, and
I just wanted to know if there was a cool
story beat about the pigs crawling through the pipes or something.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And there's a lot of feet. Let's do the next scene.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
You want to know what's not horror? Seeing the guy
creep behind the corner before he flies out of the corner. Okay,
it's all about chocks, right. You don't see Freddy hide
behind a bush before he explodes out of a fucking bush,
because that's not scary.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Who's Freddy is in the script? Kroger? Oh, Freddy Kroger,
the grocer, grocery guy, the owner of the Kroger, the hunt,
I said, Krueger, the haunted grocery store.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
That's an idea, Freddy Kroger, Freddy Kroger.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
That is an idea, a bit of a parody. Maybe
you could go eat Cheeseburger's the grocery store.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Thanks, guys, up the scene.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Let's just get through it. It's a good script. It's
a good script.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Thank you. Thanks guys. So I want to take you
later on into the script. Mervin Craig, the two asshole
bullies show up at Gordon's birthday party, which is at
a big nightclub. When they arrive, everyone is having this
amazing time. Okay, Gordon's on stage. He is crushing New
York State of Mind by Billy Joel. But then someone
(22:24):
in the crowd spots Marvin Craig, and they party just
stops dead silence, and everyone turns and stares with this
creepy stare and these creepy smiles, and they start chanting
you don't belong, You don't belong, and they chase after them,
and the boys are running. So this is the scene
where they have escaped the danger, but they start to
(22:45):
realize what is happening to the town.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
Okay, great, this takes place present day.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Oh, he's saying New York state of Mind, Billy Joel
is timeless.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
It could be Jay z right.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
You have a problem with Billy Joel.
Speaker 3 (22:56):
No, I'm just saying, that's kind a funny thing for
a high school student to sing Billy Joel and be
like celebrated for it.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Sunglasses are just things until Billy Joel wore them.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Okay, okay, man, all right, here we are interior nightclub
night Marvin Craig finally safe in a back room collapse,
breathless to the floor. I don't get any of this.
We were the most popular kids in school. Now, Gordon is.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
This has to be something to do with all those pigs. Right,
A bunch of crazy pigs show up buddy crime scenes
with nobody, then everybody is crazy, happy and in love
with Gordon.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Wait a minute, remember what share If Hoppringer was saying
the other day before his office was covered in blood
and he suddenly loved Gordon. He said, the Schlumpy family
is into some weird religious voodoo or some shit. They've
been outcast in this town for years.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Right, and their house is built on the ashes of
that old Satanic temple that was built on that Native
American burial.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Holy shit, Craig Gordon is magically turning himself into a
killer pig.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
And he's eating his enemies and shitting the mouth. And
then the shit grows into Gordon loving daffelgangers who can
also turn into pigs.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
All of our friends are shit people, and old Gordon
Schlumpley is the magic killer pig. What's that?
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Chaps?
Speaker 1 (24:07):
The boys gasp and turn to see Gordon looming over them.
Back off, Gordo, you ain't turning us into shit. People
through your magic pig guts pig.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
You don't think, no need to think, big boy, You're
an evil magic pig who eats his enemies then craps friends.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Oh my god, guys, No, it's Grammy, Grammy. I thought
it was weird how popular I got. I guess I
just wanted to believe I was cool.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
What are you saying, Gordon, You had nothing to do
with this.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
My grandmother, she's the High Priestess of the Swines of
the Fire Goddess. She must have done all this. Guys,
I swear I didn't know.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Gordon cries Marvin Craig's hearts are moved. He knew I
wasn't popular. Gordon. It's okay, man. This is our fault.
More than anything, we made your life.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Hell yeah, I guess at the heart of all this,
we were just two insecure jerks who never took the
time to see how awesome you are your knowledge.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Of superhero trivia. You speak Elvi, you sing it sound
just like Billy Joel when you sing.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Hell you invented cheeseburger salad. What it It's delicious and healthy.
I never thought that could be done.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
So there it is. Yeah, but so I'm just gonna
I want to rip the band aid off here. Man,
did you hear us making fun of you about the
cheeseburger salad?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I have no idea, mad as we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
You're mad at us for saying that it was a
goofy idea.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
Can we please read the Script's up a triple cheeseburger
and stuck it in a bag of lettuce and said
it was healthy.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Guys, we are in the middle of a script. Okay, please, Okay,
did dramas how you guys are doing great performances? I
don't want to lose this.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Okay, Okay, back into it. We are so sorry, Gordon.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
We are massive pieces of shit.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
I have every right to hate you guys right now.
But like the great Martin Luther King Junior says, we
must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who
is devoid of power to forgive is devoid of the
power to love.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Marvin Craig are stunned by this gentle giant's capacy city
to forgive, and feel even worse about themselves.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
When do you say we team up, boys and go
kill my grandmother?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Craig and marsh Beam. This guy may actually save the
whole town.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
We just have to get to the bottom of this
cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Can we just clear the air? Yes, I don't, because
you're acting like it's not a big deal and it's
clearly upsetting you.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Guys.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
How do you know that we were making fun of
the cheeseburger salad for not being healthy?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Would you guys make fun of the cheeseburger's house.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
We were just saying that it's a funny idea that
someone would.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Got everything is about you two.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Guys, Okay, but Marv and Craig are clearly us is not.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
And I don't even know what you're talking about the
cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
I'm just trying to You went down the street, you
got a triple cheeseburger with bacon and extra cheese, and
then you came back. You ripped it up and put
it in a salad bag and shook it up.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Let me say, for the both of us, I'm sorry, Sorry,
we made fun.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
Apologize for me. Mark.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Can we read the next scene? How many more are there?
Just that last one?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
You know what, I'll take it to the very end
where they confront the grandmother. My head is spinning because
I'm just trying to cut through the script. I have
no idea. You guys are all upset about Okay, So
here we are there at the house again. They're about
to take down the evil Grammy okay.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Exterior dilapidated house. Night the boys approach Gordon's house. Ominous
clouds swirl in the sky. The house is totally dark
except for the flicker of fire in the attic.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
She's home. We've got to get to the attic.
Speaker 3 (27:20):
Shouldn't be too hard, ah.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I wouldn't be too sure about that. They turned to
see all the people from the party staring wide eyed
and silent at them, large smiles plastered on their faces.
They open their mouths and speak as one What.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Are you doing with those nasty boys? You belong with us.
We love you, Grandma. You can't do this. You can't
force people to like me. You have to let them
grow to see that I am something special on my own. Sure,
the idea of a cheeseburger salad being healthy sounds silly
(27:55):
at first, but if you give people a second to
think about it, they'll actually see that it's a very
good idea.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Marvin Craig nod. Gordon is right. His words hit home.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
You dari fi, then you die.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
The mass of people begin to snort and grunt Gordon.
The crowd begins to writhe and groan, their joints snapping
and bending as they turn into pigs.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
Roun.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
The three boys take off at a full sprint to
the house. The sound of hooves followed them up the
steps and through the door. They hit the main staircase
and race up. The door behind them explodes into a
shower of splinters as a wave of pigs pour into
the house.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Go get to the attic and kill Grammy. I'll hold
them back.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
Marvin Craig begin weeping.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Gordon, No, we can't lose.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Gordon smiles a wry smile like Indiana Jones.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Nice yo, I got this.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Moved by his courage, the weeping boys turn and head
up the staircase, blubbering. They reach the attic door.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
Here goes Snubby, be brave like Gordon.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
They kick the door and they see the back of
Grammy's rocking chair, the old woman slowly rocking in front
of the fire.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Time to die, Grammy.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
The old woman just laughs, a deep, soulless laugh that
freezes the two bulls in the tracks. I think not,
Greg and Mick, I think not. The old woman stands
and turns to face them. They are stunned. Grammy is Gordon?
Speaker 3 (29:26):
Gordon?
Speaker 2 (29:27):
That's right, fuck faces, I heard you make fun of
me and my cheeseburger salad. You are not better than
me and I am cool.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
Flew of pigs rush up behind Mark and Greg. One
pig snout goes to Greg's button, bites down in yanks.
His whole spine and skull are pulled from his backside,
along with a huge gut of blood and shit.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Mark is knocked to the ground. His pigs pull him
from every direction. His shoes are ripped off. The pigs
see his feet and think they're weird and leave them be,
deciding instead to latch onto his less weird ankles. The
others grab his wrists. They begin to yank in different directions,
pulling the fool, who is unimaginative about food apart. He
screams in agony. His hair is yanked. He looks up
(30:11):
to see the puller is Gordon.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
He's the old boy. Let's not lose our head.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Gordon pulls his head off as the other pigs rip
his arms and legs from his body. Gordon holds Mark's
head high to a mass of squealing pigs and laughs
a dark and evil laugh as he talks it to
his hungry piggies. EO we we we are hole and
so fucking it.
Speaker 3 (30:36):
It's just all about the cheeseburger salad marks.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Fuckheads, that's about you.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
We were not surprised.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
We're not surprised you actually called us Gregon Mark in
the last scene. Wait, just fuck learning.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Rise, fuckheads, that was about you, we know, maybe.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Learn to use find replacement shit.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Yeah, I fucked up.
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I wanted you guys to fucking just read that whole
thing in this boom eat it.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
I heard you.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
I heard what you said about the cheeseburger salad. You
thought I went to the bus, I forgot my backpack.
I came back to get it, and there you two
were gabbling and gaffing and laughing away like a couple
of golden girls. Friends don't make fun of friends when
they're not around.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Friends talk to friends about when they're upset, and don't
write an entire script that takes up an entire episode
to tell us they were mad. About a cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
What does gabbling mean? And you had a gaffer gabbling.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
When you're gabbing and also laughing.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
We did not have a gaffer.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
There your tape, you're talking talk and then you're laughing
at the same time. It's a bad thing to be
a gabbler.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Okay, so I listen. I'm sorry about the cheeseburger salad.
I'm sorry I made fun of you. I stand behind
my view that it's not it's not healthy choice.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
It's lettuce, it's tomato, and yes there's ground beef. Yes
there's cheese. Yes there is bacon a cruton, which is
healthier than just having a normal bun. The special sauce
is just salad dressing. It's the same thing. Is What
I'm trying to say is that cheeseburger salad is a
very good idea. And you're sories mean.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
A lot to me.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Thanks guys.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
You want us to vote on this, No, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
What, Truthfully, this wasn't even a fair submission. This was
a test of friendship, and you guys passed lesson learned.
Don't be gabblers. Huh. We just can't tear each other.
It's not a man this town.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
But if we're going to come clean, that's not a word.
Not a word you're you're trying to use it like
it's an actual.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
So is that just a You brought a cheeseburger for
lunch today with just a lot of extra lettuce, and
do you think that's a salad?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
All right?
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Okay, don't where are you going?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
Man?
Speaker 4 (32:52):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Okay, it's a studio apartment. You can't just keep walking
over there.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Fuck it? You know what? This has been fun on
as always.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I want to read it again. You guys got to
learn their lesson again.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
I want to read it. We're not reading it again,
not reading this. End of podcast, lights camera action, but
for writing
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