October 17, 2024 • 49 mins
Jana Kramer is introducing your mentor Alexia Nepola of Real Housewives of Miami. While the path for Jana was divorce, Alexia reveals why and how she’s trying to make her marriage work after her husband filed for divorce earlier this year.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
You're listening to ID Part two, an innovative, one of
a kind experiment in podcasting and love. This is a
chance for people who are unlucky in love the first
time around to have another shot at love. I'm one
of your hosts, Janna Kramer, and I am living proof
that you can get love right the next chance around,
or the next chance around after that. Today we're going
(00:33):
to be joined by one of our celebrity mentors. You
know her as the Cuban Barbie from Real Housewives of Miami,
and she's the co host of the podcast I Poor Fevore.
Please welcome Alexia Napola to the podcast. Alexia, I'd have
to be honest with you, I haven't had the pleasure
of watching the Miami Honestly, I feel like I've been
(00:55):
kind of in a bubble. I'm ten months postpartum, and
i feel like I'm snow out of the getting out
of it. But I'm like, I need to catch up
on all the shows, all the things, because I'm just
I feel so out of the loop. But what I
love about this is connecting with you on a human level,
because you know, this show is about connecting people and
(01:15):
finding love, and you have been on such a journey,
and there's so many pieces of your story that I
relate to so much, so I'm so excited to just
kind of get into the weeds of all of it.
But right now, though, are you Are you currently filming
not filming, like, what's what's going on?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So we are.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
We are filming our season seven of the Real Hosts
of Miami, and I guess you'll get to see my
love journey on there this season, because I feel like
I've had different love journeys throughout all my seasons, unfortunately,
because all I wanted to do is be married all
my life, by the.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Way, well, and so that is so interesting that you
say that, because I feel like that piece I relate
to too, because all I've wanted is to just have
one wedding, one marriage, and just be with the love
of my life. But it's been, it's been. It's been
a hell of a ride to get to that point,
because I've you know, just picked the wrong man, gotten
(02:12):
into wrong relationships, unhealed versions of myself, and you know, finally,
you know, on my I'm not even going to tell
you what number it is, but you know.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I know myself.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
But it's like, it's one of those things where I'm like,
I didn't want it to be that many That's not
that's I didn't go into things being like, oh I
want to be divorced this many times. And so I'm
curious with your first relationship with your with your first
husband that you have your two sons with, when how
old were you when that marriage took place.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
I was twenty three when I started my relationship with them,
twenty two twenty three. So I feel like we have
we love different, you know at that age, or we
look for different things, you know at that age. By
the way I mean, I feel like we look for
different things at doesn't really matter the age, but it
depends what you're going through your life. And that's where
you're talking about how we pick which is so important.
(03:06):
So that's what I needed at that time in my life.
You know, my father had passed away and my mother
had moved to Spain, and I was it was the
first time you know that I really felt like alone,
you know, in my life. And then I met this
guy there was you know, my age. He brought me
so much happiness. I was at a very like vulnerable place,
very you know, sad time in my life and he
(03:28):
was like my prince Charming.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
He came, he sent me off my feet, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
He it's like what I needed, and that's what, you know,
what I went for, you know, and I had my
two beautiful kids. But you know that wasn't again he
I at that moment, I thought he was a love
of my life. But then I realized, you know, soon enough,
that love isn't enough sometimes no matter how much he
loved the person, you know, because he was going through
other things that I was like not okay with and
(03:55):
kind of like kept at a secret, which I know
it's like, what's something that we're going to talk about
in relationships? You know that how you know these secrets
do affect you know us and affect our relationships.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, no, for sure. How long were you in that marriage?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
For about ten years?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
You know we've we've got legally you know, divorced, not
because we wanted to, but because of the circumstances. And
I had you know, two children with him, and I
still have, you know, a friendship and a relationship with
him because of my kids. My kids adore him, and
you know, I always tell my kids to love their father,
you know, I wasn't one of these moms that you know,
talked like ugly things about their dad.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You know, I always wanted my.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
Kids to have a good relationship with their father, you know,
regardless what the circumstances were. And their father does love
them a lot, and you know, I think the kids
grow up healthier that way. And you know, we don't
choose our parents, you know, and this is this is
their dad, and he's a good man and he's you know,
been there for them as much as you can, and
they today have.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
A good relationship.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
But what I love about you and I is that
despite all these painful past relationships, we're never giving up
on love. And like that's kind of like what I did,
you know, Like that was that chapter in my life.
But then I moved on to my second husband at
a different stage of my life where I had two children,
and you know, that makes it so much more difficult,
and you look for different things, you know, when you
(05:15):
have children. You know, I feel like your first husband
is who you want to have a family with. And
it's like that fairy tale story that you want the
beautiful wedding, you want to have the kids, the house,
the family and all that and I unfortunately got little
bits and pieces of it, but not the whole thing
that I wanted. And you know, ten years later we
(05:37):
separated and I quickly pretty much met my second husband.
And you see, that's what I've learned today, that we
need to take some time between relationships because we need
to heal, we need to learn from them, we need
to grow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
And at that point, I was thirty four years old.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
And you know, I wanted again, you know, that marriage,
that family that I hadn't that I hadn't have with
my other husband.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
So you know, with him, he was older than me.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
He like right away came in also, like at a
time in my life where I was kind of down.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Also, you know, I had two small kids. I was
a single mom.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
You know, I was working as a school teacher and
and I was just doing everything by myself. And this
came this amazing man that was very charismatic, very kind,
very loving, and you know, successful, smart. He was like
a problem solver. So he just came into my life
like like what do you need? What can I do
(06:39):
for you? You know, like that kind of thing. And
it was different, like I feel like my first husband
was like love at first sight and like the butterflies
in the stomach, and you know, I was young and
and it was it was completely different, like from my
thirties when I met you know, my second husband, and
you know, I kind of like grew to love him
and understand, you know, and I thought, with him, you know,
(07:01):
I can have that not that perfect marriage, because perfect
marriages do not exist, and we're all imperfect. But it's
kind of more like what I wanted, the security, the
stability that I didn't have in my first marriage.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I think there is something where what you said about
not jumping in right away is not such a huge
piece because you know, a lot of times, if I
reflect back on my history, I'm like I was always
jumping from relationship to relationship, and especially this, you know
this my last divorce, I was like, I cannot keep
(07:38):
putting my happiness in a relationship and with another man,
because that's where I always said, if I'm happy, that
that means that I'm in a happy, loving relationship, and
like that should not be what my happiness and how
my happiness exists. And so and I've even talked to
a few of my divorced girlfriends or like, oh, I
(07:58):
just wish I could just meet someone, and I'm like,
that is not going to make you happy. I think
I guarantee you, like you'll have a dopamine hit within
the first few weeks, but like you will go right
back to feeling why do I feel not happy? Why
do I feel you know, X, Y and Z. And
then I had another girlfriend, you know, she was just
like she was still married to her hausband. She's like,
I want to divorce him, but I think it'd be
(08:19):
easier if I found someone first. And I'm like no,
like no, no, no, no, like I literally no, because
I'm like, again, I know how that would be easier.
And there was pieces of me too where in my
last marriage, I mean like I was I was so
out that I was like, you know what, I hope
I meet someone, But it was I'm so glad that
that wasn't the catalyst for my last ending of my marriage,
(08:39):
because A I got to walk out clean in that marriage,
you know, not do the same thing that I've won. Yeah,
I just was like like if anything is gonna like
leave this, like it's you're just going to be the
only cheater in this, Like I will not give you
that satisfaction of cheating on you too, but with you know,
I was like, but also like having that piece, actually
(09:01):
leaving someone when you don't have someone else was the
It was grueling and it was so hard, but I
found myself through that process and then I took I
did dates soon ish after, and again I was solved
that I was repeating the same mistake. And I'm like, Okay,
I'm literally attracting the same dude, the same cast, just
a different name, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Same might all been different, name might have all been different,
so I can't Yeah, yeah, they've all been way different, right,
They've had different problems that I had my first, but
I have done the same thing kind of, you know.
And then it's funny, like you said about your friends,
because when you're in a situation like that, I feel
like you have to at.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
One point just like shut off all the noise because you.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Know all your friends are going to give you different
advice and you know, oh you need this, you need
to do that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You know how you forget about this when you move
on to the next one.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
And in reality, we know you and I know that
because you've gone through it, that that doesn't work. You
need time for yourself. Your happiness does not depend on
any man. You need to find that happiness within yourself,
whatever it may be. You need to self reflect, you
need to like search for that. And I think that
that comes with age and wisdom too, because you know,
at twenty something, I didn't know that. You know, I
(10:09):
thought the same thing. I mean, I didn't think so much.
I said, you know what I need like a man
that's like older, more mature, that's already like settled. He's
going to give me stability. And it's not it wasn't
even about the finance. It's just like the way they
make you feel. And he gave me that like support
and that security that I needed, you know that I
didn't have in my first relationship. So my son, Frankie,
(10:30):
while I was married to my second husband, he was
involved in a horrific car accident and he almost passed away.
But he's a miracle. He's alive and he's very much
healthy and with us today. He suffers from a brain injury.
But you see, there's where my husband, with my husband
at the time, was really there for me. So my
(10:51):
second husband passed away in twenty sixteen. We were separated,
but not divorce, but we still had a great relationship.
We worked together, he visited the house. He was a
stepfather to my kids, and he was a great you
know step father to them, and we had a great relationship.
It was just like I felt like, with a tragic
(11:13):
like you know, Frankie's accident, your family gets together for
many ways, but you also become distant, you know, as
a couple, you know, and I felt that, you know,
my main focus obviously wasn't saving Frankie's life, and that
affected our entire family dynamics, That affected my older son,
That affected my relationship with herman in the way that
(11:37):
you know, I wasn't really there for him, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
So a few years later, that was in.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Twenty eleven, in twenty fifteen, you know, we decide to
have that uncomfortable conversation which a lot of couples have
to have, kind of like you're not happy, I'm not happy,
and you know, Frankie and Peter already well, and it's
kind of like I had a moment to think for
myself and I said, wow, what has happened? Like I
lost myself, Like I didn't know who I was. And
(12:07):
so I had the conversation with him, and he said, listen,
you've gone through a lot. I'm always going to love you,
but you know, I think it's just better we take
some time off and you deserve to be happy. You know,
I deserve to be happy. And at that point I
wanted to go to counsel i because my mom's a psychiatrist.
She was very therapeutic and even though she got divorced
five times, she was really good at giving couples therapy.
(12:29):
Not that that was a specialty, but she was always
very like adamant about couples staying together, you know, unless
it was like physical abuse or even some kind of
emotional abuse, which is just as bad as physical abuse.
But you know, she always encouraged it. You had a
good man, and there were a lot of things you
can work on to like work on that. So with
(12:49):
that being said, you know, we had a friendly, nice
conversation and I said, well, okay, I mean I really
didn't know what to do with what to do with
that conversation. I said, but you know, let's just have fun,
you know, goes He told me, like, you can start
going on with your friends. You can you know kind
of like do what you want to do for now,
because you know, I'm older than you and I want
to live my life.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
You know.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
At that point, he was like going out a lot,
and I didn't want to go out obviously because I
wanted to stay home with my kids.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
So we started growing apart.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
And I feel like as a woman, you always feel it,
you know, like sometimes you say, oh my god, like
I never you know, I never imagined he would do
something like that, or like everything was perfect. It's like
the signs are there, we don't want to see them.
In this case, everything happened appeared to be fine. But
when I had a moment to breathe and to realize,
(13:37):
you know, what was going on in my life, I said,
I am so disconnected, you know, from this person. And
when I had the conversation with him, I didn't have
like the same I didn't have the response that I
wanted to have, which was like, you know, let's work
on this and let's go to therapy.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
It was kind of like, you know, you've gone through
a lot, so you know, maybe just like start having
some fun.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Was his own alternative motive for him to be doing
those other other relationship that he was in, Like do
you do you kind of go, await a minute.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
No, No, I don't blame myself. I think at this point.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
You I'm saying, do you think back and go? Was
he putting that on you to so that he could
have his other extramarital.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I yes, now that's a really good question, and I
have thought about that, because you know, I feel like
sometimes when the men are keeping secrets, it's like to
protect themselves also to protect me, and I always the
good thing about me is that I've in my first
two marriages, I've always thought the men have kept secrets,
but not to hurt me.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Obviously.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
The first reason is to protect themselves because they're afraid
that they share this kind of information, whether it's you know,
you know, legal things that they've done in their past,
or whether it's you know, sexual things or infidelity. Obviously
they know that we're not going to be okay with that,
We're going to judge them, chain them, get into a fight, whatever.
So I felt like he was having this conversation with
(15:02):
me because he didn't want to be selfish, like he
loved me so much, and I really do believe that
that he just wanted me. He couldn't have that conversation
where he was actually gonna come out and say, listen,
you know, I am having an occur with somebody and
it happens to me a man. He didn't want to
hurt me, So this man would have never told me that. So,
(15:22):
but at that point I think that he was already
involved with that person. Yes, so it was easier, like
you said to put it on me and said, you
know what, go have fun. And by the way, I did. Yeah,
I said, well, you've left me know the toy, said
you know what? And I needed it, Jana, like I
really needed it, you know. So so that's.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
What I did.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
I started going out with my friends. We would work together.
It was weird, like all my things have always been weird. Honestly,
my relationships, it's kind of like we're afraid to talk
about uncomfortable things, you know, that are going to hurt
us because you know, we we love each other, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I don't know if other couples have you know that
problem too.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
It's like it's a communication problem pretty much because we're
afraid just say things to each other that are going
to hurt us.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Well, I think also too, it brings up things where
it's like sometimes when I say something to my husband,
he hears something totally different, like he hears me questioning him,
Like that's not I wasn't questioning. I was just asking
a question because I'm just curious. But like because they
have their own past things from their relationships where the
woman might have been questioning his reasoning for things, and like, no,
(16:27):
that's not at all. I was just more like curious
and so but how they react, and so it's it's learning,
you know, the other people's traumas and past relationships and
what they had to and how they reacted to things,
and it's it's all I mean, like you said in
the very beginning, there's no perfect relationship. It's really figuring
out how to communicate with each other. And you know,
I think a lot of times when you know, I've
(16:48):
had people reach out to me a lot because my
last husband had multiple affairs, and you know, when I
first found everything out, it was everything felt like a lie,
every like from the wedding to you know, the birth
of our daughter, to ourselves and like everything you know,
was meant nothing and it was all a lie. And
I've been able to figure out now that there are
(17:08):
truths and there's lies within things, but that it wasn't
all a lie for me, it was real and you know,
for not for him to not allow to take away
those memories. And you know, learning that your one ex
husband was I would would say he was he was gay.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Or he was bisexual.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I feel like he was bisexual, like towards the end,
you know, while we were separated, you know, while I
was married to him, I had no idea.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
But how do you how do you deal with that
that lie of Okay, our marriage was a lie? Like
what do you.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Don't you know? I don't. I never know.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
So that's I never felt like our marriage was a lie.
I felt that he did have the ability to love
me and fall in love with me, and he did
and that's why we got married. And you know, we
had you know, thirteen beautiful years and I just think
that it was like towards you know, the end of
our marriage, I said, I really do believe that. You know,
(18:06):
when you go through a traumatic experience in your family,
your family falls apart, and there's you know, different things
that fall apart. And again I'm not blaming myself because
I'm a mother before anything, and I had to focus
on my children, and he supported that. But with that
being said, you know, he also like you know, started
going out and you know, finding his outlets. You know,
like everybody deals with pain differently, and that affected him
(18:27):
a lot. Frankie's accident, and you know, he was also older,
you know, and I feel like sometimes you know, men
go through different mid life crisis and they deal with
things differently. And I guess it's just something that he had,
you know, within him, that he wanted to experience and
it happened. I wish she would have told me, because
you know, I would have been so open to this.
(18:49):
You know, I am such an open person, and you know,
I don't even and it might find funny, but like
I rather a guie tee with a guy than with
a girl.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
You know, that's just me.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I may be different, I may be crazy, but for me,
it's kind of like, Okay, well, I can't give them
what a man can give him, you know, physically, you know,
maybe emotionally yes, but you know, for me, it's just like,
you know, love is love, like it could be with
a man, it could be with a woman. But you know,
it was really hard for me because I found out
after he passed away like the day after we bury him,
(19:19):
so that what was it was like a betrayal obviously,
but then you kind of like try to justify it, right,
like saying, you know, how can somebody like this like
sit down the wife. You know, how can a husband
sit down a wife and say, you know, by the way,
you know, I'm in love with another man. It's hard,
especially like a Latino man you know that has you know,
somebody that's like well known in the community. You know,
(19:41):
there were so many prejudices like he could have never
done it. So I actually felt that, you know, I
still do. You know, I'm happy that he got to live.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
The right If you could ask him one question, what
would it be if he.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Was happy if he found Yeah, if he was happy,
And I really believed that he was because I got
to speak to that person and he told me like
the whole story. And by the way he told the
man also like this is my wife. He showed him
a picture, this is my wife, and I love her
and I don't ever want her to find out, so
you know, and I know that, like I So that's
(20:14):
why I'm okay with it, because I know how much
he loved me. Like his intentions. For me, it's all
about intentions, and people could see it the other way around. Well,
if he loved you so much, then he wouldn't have
done that to you, Right, it's a struggle.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
I also understand that it's true if they love you,
what didn't want to hurt you. In his case, he
was keeping it a secret because he didn't want to
hurt me. And I know those were his intentions, and
I'll know that forever.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Do you believe in monogamous relationships? Do you do believe
a man can be monogamous in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (20:53):
I do, Yeah, I do.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
I really do believe that, and I always want to
believe that, just like I believe in love. I want
to believe that anogmist because I feel like when you
have that love and connection and you just can't be
with another person, you know, for me, it's not for me,
it's like the whole mind body, so like I need
to be connected with the person. So I feel like
the time you find that disconnection with your with your
(21:17):
husband or with your partner, you have to go because
that means you're going to start being unfaithful and you
can't have like you know, the lack of trust and
dishonesty in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
So then how long? So when he passes you, guys,
how does that work? Does it? Do you have to
like do divorce papers or how like?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
No, No, I was his wife. I was his wife.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I mean I had a preen up. You girls have
talked about So I did have a preen up. But
I was, you know, legally his wife. We as a
matter of fact, we never even filed. We never even
went to see an attorney. It was kind of like,
if that's what I'm saying, all of my circumstances honestly
have been full strained because with him, we had that conversation.
(22:03):
And then maybe a few months later he moved out
of the house because he was going out at night
and getting home super late, and I was like, you
know what, this is not going to end okay. And
then by the way, I was going out too, and
if I would be home like before him, he would
call me like when are you coming home? I'm like, well, wait,
I mean we're husband and wife, but you know we're
you know, technically like really not together.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
We're taking a break. It was weird.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
That's something I will not recommend to anybody. I know
some people, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Breaks things work for there's different Like I could never
personally have anyone come in a relationship man, woman, anything
Like I'm like, I I know what that does for me,
having the years of affairs and stuff. But you know,
some people are cool with swinging or this or that
or no never.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
No, I am so jealous and possess them.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
I'm like, cuman, there's no way, I know for me,
it was never about that, and he knew that. So
that's why he had to, you know, take his own way.
So that's why he decided, you know, to move to
an apartment. So he had just gone an apartment a
few months, you know, prior before he passed away and
unfortunately had a heart attack and he passed away, and it.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Was sorry after that. How long was it until you
met your next husband? How many years?
Speaker 3 (23:18):
So I already knew my I already knew my husband
today while Hermann was still alive, and I had dated him.
You know, we were like dating for a while, okay,
for a few months whatever, we're just dating, and but
you know I wasn't ready. This is like there I knew,
you know, I was in my forties and I have
(23:40):
gone had gone through so much, you know, in both
of my relationships, and not only in my relationships, but
really what changed my life was my son, Jackson.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry, Like it's second
he said. Son. I'm like, oh, it's like it's like
when a dog dies in a movie. It's even worse,
you know what I mean, Like your kids, I can't like,
I love my husband, my children, anything happens like I'm
so sorry, Like I can't even imagine, Like.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
The way you're a mom that was that's undescribable. Only
a mom that's been there knows that pain. So I
was like, you know what, when when herman and I
just decided to take a break, like we said, there's
time some time off, I was like, you know what, Alexael, like,
you cannot be in a relationship with a man. You
need to just have fun. You need to you know,
(24:26):
do things for yourself, and you know, and that's what
I did. And I did meet my third husband, and
but like I said, I was not ready. I knew
I couldn't be in a relationship like that at that
moment because I feel like timing was so important as
well for and you know, the listeners out there, the
girls should be thinking about that because I always had
(24:47):
like with my friends, like, oh, it's all about time.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
It's all about timing.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Sometimes the right man comes into your life at the
wrong time in your life, and sometimes when you're ready,
the wrong guy comes into your life.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
So like, timing is really important.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
So I was very aware at that moment that I
did not want to have a serious relationship, but you know,
I did like him.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
And I did datum.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And then it was six months after Hermann passed away
that we started seeing each other again, you know, so.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
And even married for how long with him.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Legally married two years together? Eight years together. We've been
living together for eight years, legally married for two years.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
So I read that he filed for divorce, and do
we know.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Why he did?
Speaker 3 (25:31):
So I didn't know myself at the moment, why you
know he would do this?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
So you had no idea. He just filed and you
had no idea, Like there wasn't like, hey, we should
get a divorce conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
No, no, So there wasn't.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
And he first left the house on a Saturday, and
then he filed for divorce on Thursday. And I wasn't
expecting him to leave, like to move out of the
apartment like that either. So basically it's you know a
lot of things, you know, it's just not like one thing.
And by the way, with my second husband, it wasn't
(26:05):
really about his sexuality either, you know, it wasn't like
we had that conversation. And that's why, you know, we
just kind of like drifted apart, like I said, as
a couple because of the circumstances. And then you know,
eventually I found out after he passed, await what had happened.
And with the father of my kids, it was a
(26:26):
lot of things. You know, he had gone to prison,
he had come back home.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
You know, you lose.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Respect and you know, that respect and admiration that I
had for him, you know, I saw him like as weak.
You know, it's so hard, you know, to come back
into society again, back into your family and to just
you know, keep on living a normal life. Like that
affected us a lot. I was a single mom for
five years. I had two kids. It was just crazy stuff.
(26:54):
And I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the maturity.
I you know, I didn't have to support and that's
why we just, you know, we're arguing all the time,
we were fighting.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You know, it's never really been more than that, you know.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I just think it was like two young people that
had those horrible circumstances. We didn't know how to deal
with it, and we just you know, grew apart and
just kind of broke off. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
I don't know. I'm just thinking like if my husband
just was like filed for divorce, I mean, a feeling
super blindsided, but also I'd be like, Okay, here's here's
maybe why, like he was unhappy with X Y and Z.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Oh oh, okay, well yes, well obviously, I mean, I
don't think anybody's faults for divorces. They're happy in the relationship,
but was expecting and no, so he's yes saying that
he was unhappy because first of all, I'm a public person,
which you already knew about, right, and.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Like you know.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
That when you're a public person, and especially the kind
of show that I'm on, everybody knows my story, everybody
knows my life. But when he did start dating me,
he had already done three seasons of this show. He
already knew who I was, and this is the person
that he fell in love with He fell in love
with me and my world. He knew my baggage, which
I don't even like to call it baggage because my
(28:07):
children are not my baggage. They're an extension of me
and they go with me everywhere, and if you love me,
you have to love my kids and the accepting of them.
So he knew all the circumstances. Like with this relationship,
I can tell you with my third relationship, my last one,
there was no secrets at all, at least well, there's
never been secrets with any of my husbands on my part,
(28:29):
and I want to believe that he didn't have any
secrets either, like the last one. But what I'm trying
to say is that he knew who I was. He
knew my entire life, and I was so honest, and
you know, I had done so much growth, you know,
and dealing because once I started dating him again, I
was still grieving Herman's loss because even though I wasn't
(28:51):
physically with him for the last year and a half,
I was very emotionally connected to Herman. He was a
very good person who was a very kind man. We
spent many years together and I have a lot of
love for him, and so once again I get into
a relationship six months later, and again I felt like
(29:11):
all my relationships I've gone into when I've been down,
you know, they haven't seen the best of Alexia. It's
not Alexi's best. They've gotten me when I've been like
down and vulnerable and like you said, looking for happiness,
because I haven't been happy myself because a lot of things.
Obviously I was grieving Hermon's death, right and all this
new information that I was finding out, and I had
(29:32):
all these questions, and I had legal problems with like
Carman's children.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
So I was going through a lot, is what I'm
trying to tell you.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Right, But I also I just want to say this
because I feel like a lot of times we take
the hit for going through a lot, Like when I
when I started dating someone post divorce. You know, the
guy was very much like call me when you heal,
and I'm like, you know, it made me feel bad
for crying when I didn't have my kids, you know,
for Christmas, And it was like the first of all
(29:59):
the many first I was having and it's like, listen,
you made me feel bad for feeling like I had
a lot to heal and work on. Like, I know
I have a lot to heal and work on, but
I don't need someone to remind me that I'm like,
I'm not a bad person for having feelings or for
for having for feeling grief or sadness because of a situation.
(30:19):
And like, you know, hearing you say like you had stuff, well,
of course you did. You were. You're dealing with traumas
and grief and loss and you know, separation. Those are
things that you know, the man shouldn't make you feel
like like, yes, did you get did they get the
perfect versions of both of us? Know, but also they
don't need to shed like they don't need to make
(30:39):
us feel bad about that.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Right, make it worse?
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Right, No, And a good partner, why you're right, you're
absolutely right, And a good partner will be there to
listen to you, lift you up your feet and help
you get through it right and navigate through that. And
that's what it happened. That's actually what happened, and that's
why we did get married. But you know, he has
two daughters. You know, I have my children. His daughters
(31:01):
came to live with us. You know, we never you know,
blended as a family. You know, it's really hard for him,
you know, like being you know, for a father full time,
living with us full time.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
We had a lot of pressure. You know.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
We went from being like boyfriend and girlfriend you know,
kind of like on our own and you know, traveling
and just like that honeymoon state that we had like
the first two or three years. So of course our
relationship was beautiful. Once again, he came in, he sought
me off my feet. I started feeling happy again, which
is like what you're saying. When you're like in a
bad place and we meet a guy and they bring
(31:35):
all this joy into our life, We're like, this is it.
He's the guy. Oh my god, I haven't felt happy
like this in years. And it's kind of like you
confuse it and then it's easy for you to, you know,
to pick that guy, just like not the first one
that comes along. But it's kind of like, Okay, you
really feel inside like this is the man that's going
to make me happy. And I mean initially, we all,
(31:55):
I mean we all want to be happy, but like
you said, we have to be happy ourselves so we
can make others happy. Like now I know that I
just want them to add happiness to my life, you know,
just don't come take it away.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Yeah, and in this marriage, now that he's divorced, I've
heard that you guys have kind of hooked up post
the filings. Is that the thing you can well, of
course it is you love this person, he loves you.
But I'm curious, like, is there is there reconciliation within
that where you're like, Okay, I'm going to go work
(32:26):
on this and then can we work on this together?
And can this work? Because I'm a big believer in
reconciliation with two people are willing to show up to
their be their best versions and no, you.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Have to show up.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, that's where we're at exactly because you know, and
just like therapy that we tried therapy, I feel like
for this to work, both of us have to want it.
It takes so much work and effort, and I think
that today, you know, couples just want to give up
because it's easier. They don't want to put in the work,
they don't want to go to therapy, they don't want
to take time for themselves and say I'm the problem
(33:00):
or you're the problem.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
And it's not even about who's the problem.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Is that how are we going to make this better
and fix it and own accountability and validate each other's feelings?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
You know.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
So it's it's hard. I feel like it's so much
easier today then back in the day to just walk away,
and then there's so many options for the other people,
you know, like saying like you're saying your friends like,
isn't it easier like just to like give up on
it and like to find another guy, like look.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
At you because your problems are still going to exist
and they're going to have problems. So now you're going
to have a whole new out the problems that you
have to then deal with.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Yeah, I'm like, I.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
Don't even want to see a man, Like honestly, I'm like,
right now I am not. So, you know, it's so
this is what's made it so hard this time around,
because we were in love with each other. We were like,
I think it's like an obsession. Honestly, I don't even
know if it's love anymore. It's an obsession and addiction.
I don't know what we want to call it. But
and you know, we do have problems, you know, communicating,
(33:54):
But I feel like, you know, a lot of couples do, right,
it's just learning how to talk to each other. So
we'll have like the highs and the low some good days,
some bad days. But then on top of it, you know,
I'm filming the show. So that makes it like a
lot easier, I mean, sorry, it makes it a lot
harder on my relationship because he never liked the show.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
That is the truth.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
And I've always said it, and I've always said I've
said it publicly, I've said it to him. I will
always pick you, you know, meaning my husband and taught
in this case, and my children and my family over
the show. But you know, sometimes I feel like he's
using it as an skateboard because he doesn't like it.
And honestly, you know, I feel like whatever partner you
(34:38):
have in your life needs to support you, and I
haven't had that support from him.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
You know, I get it. He doesn't align with the show.
He doesn't like it.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
And by the way, it's really not immense show, like
I honestly don't recommend for any other husbands to be involved,
but it is what it is. But we never really
had that conversation about, you know, pick me or the show, right,
So because it would always it would always be him.
It would always be him, and I gave him that option.
I wanted to do it, but he's like, oh no,
(35:07):
Like I can't. You know, you can't do that because
then you're going to resent me. So, you know, it's
been like an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I'm in
an emotional limbo because you know, I don't know what
to do.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
It's been six months.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Does he want to try to make it work?
Speaker 2 (35:25):
I feel like.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
We're both trying to make it work. But why isn't
it working after six months? Right? It's like how much
time do you give yourself? Like how much time do
you think?
Speaker 2 (35:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (35:36):
I mean, that's that's just a question because it's like
you got to address the main issue, is what is
the issue, and then work on that because if it
doesn't change, then it's just the same thing's going to
keep happening again and again. Then how long do you
continue to try?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Right?
Speaker 1 (35:50):
But I mean, if you guys are dating again, I
mean I feel like and there's hope for potential reconciliation.
I mean, I again, I'm always the one that's like,
if you guys can get to the root of it,
and then you know, plan a new seed with it,
it grows, right.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
I mean, I feel like whatever problems we had before,
we don't have anymore. But just because you know, his
daughters went to college and you know, and so you know,
I think that added a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Of stress on the marriage. And the show.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
A reality show adds a lot of stress on your
marriage as well. You have to have a very very
typeon you have to be a team and even so,
you know, I mean, obviously there's editing takes into place.
So sometimes you see yourself, you know, on the show
and you're like, my god, like I'm not that person.
You know why or you know why am I looking
(36:43):
that way? So you know, I respect all of that,
you know, when I get it. These guys don't show
up to do these kind of shows. They don't sign
up for it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
We do. But I feel like there's more there, you know.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
I think that that's just easier friend to say, like, well,
you know, I don't like the show, I don't like
your life, I don't like your world, so I'm just
gonna like exit it.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Well, but here's the deal, Like you're saying that you'll
choose him. So that's my that's my piece and like,
what is he Why is he trying to push you away?
When you're saying I will choose you right.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
Well, I've said that right and I'll keep on saying
it because you know, I that is the real story.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
Are you guys living together apart?
Speaker 3 (37:29):
We're not living together, which is it's good and it's
bad because you know, I've had a lot of time,
you know, for myself to do things for me to heal,
to understand things, to read books, to listen to podcasts, to.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Go on walks, and so it's fun.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
You know, it's hot and sexy to like date and
see each other again because you still have that chemistry
and we like each other. But it's when we start
talking about deeper things that we you know, start you know,
not with the fighting, but with like good disagreements.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Will you will you guys do therapy together? Like do
you believe in that together?
Speaker 3 (38:03):
So we tried that and it really didn't work for
us because well, in my case, I wanted to continue
it because I can take it, like I can take
talking about the past, crying about it and moving forward.
But I felt like in his case, he was he
just couldn't take it. You know, it's hard. Even the therapy,
you have to relive you know, all those all those
(38:26):
horrible moments that you did fight about and were triggers,
you have to relive them again. And so it was
it was really really tough for him, but you know,
at least he tried. And then we've had of agreed
that it wasn't great for us. I don't know if
it was a therapist or it was just us ourselves,
and you know, we're both like reading books and talking
to each other.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
We're bored.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Like I can tell you for sure that I'm a
lot more self aware and educated, and I think that
that really changes things because sometimes when you're in it,
you know, you don't realize it. But now that we
have time apart and we have time for ourselves, you
kind of like when we start a conversation, I'm like, Okay,
I know where this is going. I know what you're
doing and you know whatnot. But but yeah, I still
(39:11):
don't know what we're doing.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
You know. I know we're liking going out and kind.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
Of like the dating, but I'm like, am I going
to go from being your wife to be like your girlfriend?
Like it doesn't make any sense. I mean, I still
feel like his wife.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
I think if there's love still there and you know,
two people are willing to try, I'm always like such
an advocate for that. And my therapist one time said,
don't make any big decisions. He's she's like, do a
year essentially, So you know, you have to trust your
heart with that. But I always say to people again, like,
(39:42):
it's not it's not greener stepping out, it's it's you
can have a stronger marriage if you know, if you
and like you said, you're like you want to put
in the work and you're trying to do it, and
so you know, I think, you know, for our listeners,
what would be your biggest tip to them that you
would tell them if they were in the situation, Because
that's sometimes a lot of times I shadow that because
(40:05):
I'm like, what would I tell my friend because that's
the advice and that I would want to take.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
That's true.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Well, apparently it gives really good advice to everyone else
into my friends, But then I don't I don't apply
it to myself. You know, I've always been the kind
of person that has followed her heart, and even if
I had all the obstacles and challenges and the entire
world telling me don't do it. A let's you don't
do it, and you know your friend will obviously love
and want to protect you and want to protect your heart.
(40:31):
So everybody has a different opinion. But I've always really
followed my heart. So whatever my heart, my heart's telling
me right now to continue to fight for this, you know,
and and to try to fix it and make it better.
That's another thing about me that I'm like a fixer,
like I need to fix everything, and sometimes you have.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
To know when.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
There's no more you can do, right, It's kind of
like you have to know when to walk away.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Well, and you're an insane smart business woman too, Like
you're very smart with all of that. So I think
you know for our listeners too, you're you know when
it comes to finances, like you are very savvy. What
has been your biggest mistake you've made in that department
in relationships? And then what do you think has saved
you the most.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
So I feel that the worst thing that I've done
is that I've never really been involved in the finances
with the men. The men have taken care of everything
because they've had those personalities and they've usually had more money,
so they've taken it upon themselves to pay for everything
(41:41):
and to kind of like just share what they've wanted
to share. And you know, I believe like your first
husband is different from like your second and third husband.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
You know.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
I feel like when you get married together and you know,
for the first time, and you know you're both starting off,
I believe that it's usually more like you share more
about the finances, and you know, you kind of like
are growing your life and building your life and growing,
so you're more involved. But I found with like my
second husband, it was kind of like you never really shared,
(42:09):
you know, how much he had or how much he
didn't have. You know, I kind of like found out
after he passed away, and I was but he always
made me feel secure, so it's not like I had
to like question, you know, his finances. But you know,
I advise every woman that they really need to be
involved and they need to know what's going on, and
you know, take that initiative because things happen like divorce
(42:30):
or death and then you know they don't know what's
going on, which is practiced. Really what happened to me
after herman's death?
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Yeah, sure, what do you think is the one thing
that you need to work on the most for like
in the relationship, and then also just you personally, like
you're one thing that you're like, this is what I
keep hitting up against.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
So I mean, I feel like I need to work
more on just being a little bit more guarded with
my heart. You know, I feel like I'm such an
EmPATH now I'm an educated EmPATH. So it's like I
you know, you need to protect your heart sometimes because
you can't give it away just to anyone or to anybody.
(43:13):
And I just need to take my time, you know,
to just feel good about myself. And like I said,
I do like so much in my life and now
to the point like I used to be ashamed about
a lot of things in my life, not about me
and me as a person, but around what was around me.
And so I've done good with that as far as
(43:33):
like being seeing the good about it, seeing my life lessons,
learning from it, and actually being proud that I am
the woman that I am today because of what I've
gone through and learned from. And as far as the
finances is like you have to have your own money,
you have to be independent, and if the guy has
money more power to you. But I feel like a
(43:55):
man respects a woman a lot more in a marriage
when she comes with her own education, with her own money,
with her own with her own skills, and like it's
not like she has to contribute to the household and
she has suit. I'm sure she will, but I feel
like the whole thing changes. You know, they have a
different perspective of who you are.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
They respect you more as long as they're secure. Because
my problem is my past relationships. The guys always said
that was like their favorite quality about me that I
you know, provided that I was the quote unquote breadwinner,
But then that became the thing they used against me too, sure,
and I feel like that came from their own insecurities
(44:37):
of things. But then I'm like, well, but I remember
when I got divorced. My husband was like, we'll have
fun making money. I'm like, is that a bad thing? Like,
I guess I'm supporting you and paying child support. I
wouldn't complain about like.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
Why, like what he should want you to make more money?
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Yeah, I'm like, huh, But speaking of that co parenting
side of things, what is your And I so agree
with you because there's nothing like I could you know,
I could say the meanest things about him to you know,
one day my kids and now I could just treat
him terribly, but I'm like, for what what what is
that going to help or do? And like for me,
(45:14):
I'm like, you know, they think their dad is the
most amazing human on the planet. Amazing. I'm doing my
job then as a mom, you know, so they always
believe that, you know, and if they want to ask
questions later on, they can go to him or us
later to find But you know, and we we do
kind of high five ourselves at times, being like, hey,
(45:35):
this is hasn't been an easy journey to get here,
but you know, thanks for being a good you know,
because I've been kind to him, He's been kind back
to me. So it's like it's been good. But I
know a lot of people struggle on that co parenting
and since this is I do part two, most people
are probably going to come with kids. So what is
your biggest tip for co parenting for the listeners when
(45:57):
they start to find love.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
You know, I mean, it's not the kid's fault that
their parents are no longer together, and our children are
always going to want us with obviously their.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
Dad, but the couple.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
You know, the moms and dads really don't realize and
understand how much they hurt their kids by speaking badly
about their mothers and fathers, because at the end of
the day, they know it already inside. Like sometimes obviously
they grow up and then they'll they'll they'll find their
own assumptions. They know everything that's going on. I mean,
(46:30):
years later, my older son said, with both of my marriages,
my older sons has said, you know what, Mom, I
know you tried. You're an amazing mom, and I love you.
I know how much you tried. And I understand why
you divorce my dad, and I understand why you and
herman are separated. Like there's an understanding there. It's uncomfortable
to talk to them, but you need to protect them.
(46:51):
And I'm always about protecting, you know, my kids and
their hearts. Like they're they're you know, they're not blinds,
they're not deaf like they're they're listening. They're seeing so
deep inside they so why put more on them. It's
already hard enough. You know, the parents really have to
learn how to get along. And I get it in
the beginning. It's hard, especially under circumstances like that of
like cheating or betrayal or whatnot.
Speaker 2 (47:13):
But you need to move past past that.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And be there for their children because no matter what,
no matter how bad you talk about the dad or
the mom, they're still going to love their parents. I mean,
or you know, once they grow up and once they're eighteen,
they're gonna they're going to have the right, you know,
to go live with whatever parent they want to spend
more time. So just why do that to them?
Speaker 1 (47:33):
On dred percent? And then what do you hope to
teach the listeners through this experience?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Well, I first want to say, don't give up on love,
because you know, love is there and you just have
to want it. You have to be open to it,
have an open mind, have an open heart. Manifest it,
you know, manifest the kind of man, the kind of
relationship you want, you know what you're looking for. Don't
be obsessed because you know there's a lot of women
(47:57):
that are like, oh my god every time they go
od it's like to for a guy, Like I have
to find a guy, you know, I find that you
find that person when you're least looking for it, and
that's how it's happened. To me like I have not
been looking for any of the of my men, you know,
and any of these relationships. I just wanted to be out,
have fun, talk to people, have a drink, and I've
(48:19):
you know, and that's how I've met like my three husbands.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
I haven't done the dating online ding. I don't think
I'm very much like I like to like see the guy,
like see the person, yeah, and interact. I don't know
how much online day.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
I know you're going to be You're going to be
such an amazing guest mentor so thank you so much
for coming on this journey alongside with us. We appreciate
you so much. And I just I love a girl
that loves to love like you know, just we all
got a little j low in us.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
So yes, that is for sure.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Never give up. You know, love is everything. I mean,
this is why you fight for everything because of love.
Love for your children, love for your husband, different kinds
of love, but that feeling of love is just every
and that's what keeps me going.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
And we're going to love ourselves first and then everyone
else around us. It's same to Amenda that Alexia, you're
the best. Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
Thank you Jana so much. Fit Bye, honey bye.
Speaker 1 (49:13):
We are so thrilled to have Alexia be a part
of our celebrity mentor team on I Do Part two.
So if you are struggling on if you should stay
in a relationship or leave it, or how to reconcile
a relationship, we want to hear from you, or if
you're single and ready to find love again, call us
one eight four four four I Do Pod. That's eight
four four four four three six seven six three or
(49:34):
email us at I dopodt iHeartRadio dot com. Follow us
on Instagram at I Do Part two pod. I Do
Part two. That's the number two pod. I Do Part
two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the
main objective
You're listening to ID Part two, an innovative, one of
a kind experiment in podcasting and love. This is a
chance for people who are unlucky in love the first
time around to have another shot at love. I'm one
of your hosts, Janna Kramer, and I am living proof
that you can get love right the next chance around,
or the next chance around after that. Today we're going
(00:33):
to be joined by one of our celebrity mentors. You
know her as the Cuban Barbie from Real Housewives of Miami,
and she's the co host of the podcast I Poor Fevore.
Please welcome Alexia Napola to the podcast. Alexia, I'd have
to be honest with you, I haven't had the pleasure
of watching the Miami Honestly, I feel like I've been
(00:55):
kind of in a bubble. I'm ten months postpartum, and
i feel like I'm snow out of the getting out
of it. But I'm like, I need to catch up
on all the shows, all the things, because I'm just
I feel so out of the loop. But what I
love about this is connecting with you on a human level,
because you know, this show is about connecting people and
(01:15):
finding love, and you have been on such a journey,
and there's so many pieces of your story that I
relate to so much, so I'm so excited to just
kind of get into the weeds of all of it.
But right now, though, are you Are you currently filming
not filming, like, what's what's going on?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So we are.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
We are filming our season seven of the Real Hosts
of Miami, and I guess you'll get to see my
love journey on there this season, because I feel like
I've had different love journeys throughout all my seasons, unfortunately,
because all I wanted to do is be married all
my life, by the.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Way, well, and so that is so interesting that you
say that, because I feel like that piece I relate
to too, because all I've wanted is to just have
one wedding, one marriage, and just be with the love
of my life. But it's been, it's been. It's been
a hell of a ride to get to that point,
because I've you know, just picked the wrong man, gotten
(02:12):
into wrong relationships, unhealed versions of myself, and you know, finally,
you know, on my I'm not even going to tell
you what number it is, but you know.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I know myself.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
But it's like, it's one of those things where I'm like,
I didn't want it to be that many That's not
that's I didn't go into things being like, oh I
want to be divorced this many times. And so I'm
curious with your first relationship with your with your first
husband that you have your two sons with, when how
old were you when that marriage took place.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
I was twenty three when I started my relationship with them,
twenty two twenty three. So I feel like we have
we love different, you know at that age, or we
look for different things, you know at that age. By
the way I mean, I feel like we look for
different things at doesn't really matter the age, but it
depends what you're going through your life. And that's where
you're talking about how we pick which is so important.
(03:06):
So that's what I needed at that time in my life.
You know, my father had passed away and my mother
had moved to Spain, and I was it was the
first time you know that I really felt like alone,
you know, in my life. And then I met this
guy there was you know, my age. He brought me
so much happiness. I was at a very like vulnerable place,
very you know, sad time in my life and he
(03:28):
was like my prince Charming.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
He came, he sent me off my feet, you know.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
He it's like what I needed, and that's what, you know,
what I went for, you know, and I had my
two beautiful kids. But you know that wasn't again he
I at that moment, I thought he was a love
of my life. But then I realized, you know, soon enough,
that love isn't enough sometimes no matter how much he
loved the person, you know, because he was going through
other things that I was like not okay with and
(03:55):
kind of like kept at a secret, which I know
it's like, what's something that we're going to talk about
in relationships? You know that how you know these secrets
do affect you know us and affect our relationships.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, no, for sure. How long were you in that marriage?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
For about ten years?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
You know we've we've got legally you know, divorced, not
because we wanted to, but because of the circumstances. And
I had you know, two children with him, and I
still have, you know, a friendship and a relationship with
him because of my kids. My kids adore him, and
you know, I always tell my kids to love their father,
you know, I wasn't one of these moms that you know,
talked like ugly things about their dad.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You know, I always wanted my.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
Kids to have a good relationship with their father, you know,
regardless what the circumstances were. And their father does love
them a lot, and you know, I think the kids
grow up healthier that way. And you know, we don't
choose our parents, you know, and this is this is
their dad, and he's a good man and he's you know,
been there for them as much as you can, and
they today have.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
A good relationship.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
But what I love about you and I is that
despite all these painful past relationships, we're never giving up
on love. And like that's kind of like what I did,
you know, Like that was that chapter in my life.
But then I moved on to my second husband at
a different stage of my life where I had two children,
and you know, that makes it so much more difficult,
and you look for different things, you know, when you
(05:15):
have children. You know, I feel like your first husband
is who you want to have a family with. And
it's like that fairy tale story that you want the
beautiful wedding, you want to have the kids, the house,
the family and all that and I unfortunately got little
bits and pieces of it, but not the whole thing
that I wanted. And you know, ten years later we
(05:37):
separated and I quickly pretty much met my second husband.
And you see, that's what I've learned today, that we
need to take some time between relationships because we need
to heal, we need to learn from them, we need
to grow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
And at that point, I was thirty four years old.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
And you know, I wanted again, you know, that marriage,
that family that I hadn't that I hadn't have with
my other husband.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
So you know, with him, he was older than me.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
He like right away came in also, like at a
time in my life where I was kind of down.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Also, you know, I had two small kids. I was
a single mom.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
You know, I was working as a school teacher and
and I was just doing everything by myself. And this
came this amazing man that was very charismatic, very kind,
very loving, and you know, successful, smart. He was like
a problem solver. So he just came into my life
like like what do you need? What can I do
(06:39):
for you? You know, like that kind of thing. And
it was different, like I feel like my first husband
was like love at first sight and like the butterflies
in the stomach, and you know, I was young and
and it was it was completely different, like from my
thirties when I met you know, my second husband, and
you know, I kind of like grew to love him
and understand, you know, and I thought, with him, you know,
(07:01):
I can have that not that perfect marriage, because perfect
marriages do not exist, and we're all imperfect. But it's
kind of more like what I wanted, the security, the
stability that I didn't have in my first marriage.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I think there is something where what you said about
not jumping in right away is not such a huge
piece because you know, a lot of times, if I
reflect back on my history, I'm like I was always
jumping from relationship to relationship, and especially this, you know
this my last divorce, I was like, I cannot keep
(07:38):
putting my happiness in a relationship and with another man,
because that's where I always said, if I'm happy, that
that means that I'm in a happy, loving relationship, and
like that should not be what my happiness and how
my happiness exists. And so and I've even talked to
a few of my divorced girlfriends or like, oh, I
(07:58):
just wish I could just meet someone, and I'm like,
that is not going to make you happy. I think
I guarantee you, like you'll have a dopamine hit within
the first few weeks, but like you will go right
back to feeling why do I feel not happy? Why
do I feel you know, X, Y and Z. And
then I had another girlfriend, you know, she was just
like she was still married to her hausband. She's like,
I want to divorce him, but I think it'd be
(08:19):
easier if I found someone first. And I'm like no,
like no, no, no, no, like I literally no, because
I'm like, again, I know how that would be easier.
And there was pieces of me too where in my
last marriage, I mean like I was I was so
out that I was like, you know what, I hope
I meet someone, But it was I'm so glad that
that wasn't the catalyst for my last ending of my marriage,
(08:39):
because A I got to walk out clean in that marriage,
you know, not do the same thing that I've won. Yeah,
I just was like like if anything is gonna like
leave this, like it's you're just going to be the
only cheater in this, Like I will not give you
that satisfaction of cheating on you too, but with you know,
I was like, but also like having that piece, actually
(09:01):
leaving someone when you don't have someone else was the
It was grueling and it was so hard, but I
found myself through that process and then I took I
did dates soon ish after, and again I was solved
that I was repeating the same mistake. And I'm like, Okay,
I'm literally attracting the same dude, the same cast, just
a different name, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Same might all been different, name might have all been different,
so I can't Yeah, yeah, they've all been way different, right,
They've had different problems that I had my first, but
I have done the same thing kind of, you know.
And then it's funny, like you said about your friends,
because when you're in a situation like that, I feel
like you have to at.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
One point just like shut off all the noise because you.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Know all your friends are going to give you different
advice and you know, oh you need this, you need
to do that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
You know how you forget about this when you move
on to the next one.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
And in reality, we know you and I know that
because you've gone through it, that that doesn't work. You
need time for yourself. Your happiness does not depend on
any man. You need to find that happiness within yourself,
whatever it may be. You need to self reflect, you
need to like search for that. And I think that
that comes with age and wisdom too, because you know,
at twenty something, I didn't know that. You know, I
(10:09):
thought the same thing. I mean, I didn't think so much.
I said, you know what I need like a man
that's like older, more mature, that's already like settled. He's
going to give me stability. And it's not it wasn't
even about the finance. It's just like the way they
make you feel. And he gave me that like support
and that security that I needed, you know that I
didn't have in my first relationship. So my son, Frankie,
(10:30):
while I was married to my second husband, he was
involved in a horrific car accident and he almost passed away.
But he's a miracle. He's alive and he's very much
healthy and with us today. He suffers from a brain injury.
But you see, there's where my husband, with my husband
at the time, was really there for me. So my
(10:51):
second husband passed away in twenty sixteen. We were separated,
but not divorce, but we still had a great relationship.
We worked together, he visited the house. He was a
stepfather to my kids, and he was a great you
know step father to them, and we had a great relationship.
It was just like I felt like, with a tragic
(11:13):
like you know, Frankie's accident, your family gets together for
many ways, but you also become distant, you know, as
a couple, you know, and I felt that, you know,
my main focus obviously wasn't saving Frankie's life, and that
affected our entire family dynamics, That affected my older son,
That affected my relationship with herman in the way that
(11:37):
you know, I wasn't really there for him, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
So a few years later, that was in.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Twenty eleven, in twenty fifteen, you know, we decide to
have that uncomfortable conversation which a lot of couples have
to have, kind of like you're not happy, I'm not happy,
and you know, Frankie and Peter already well, and it's
kind of like I had a moment to think for
myself and I said, wow, what has happened? Like I
lost myself, Like I didn't know who I was. And
(12:07):
so I had the conversation with him, and he said, listen,
you've gone through a lot. I'm always going to love you,
but you know, I think it's just better we take
some time off and you deserve to be happy. You know,
I deserve to be happy. And at that point I
wanted to go to counsel i because my mom's a psychiatrist.
She was very therapeutic and even though she got divorced
five times, she was really good at giving couples therapy.
(12:29):
Not that that was a specialty, but she was always
very like adamant about couples staying together, you know, unless
it was like physical abuse or even some kind of
emotional abuse, which is just as bad as physical abuse.
But you know, she always encouraged it. You had a
good man, and there were a lot of things you
can work on to like work on that. So with
(12:49):
that being said, you know, we had a friendly, nice
conversation and I said, well, okay, I mean I really
didn't know what to do with what to do with
that conversation. I said, but you know, let's just have fun,
you know, goes He told me, like, you can start
going on with your friends. You can you know kind
of like do what you want to do for now,
because you know, I'm older than you and I want
to live my life.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
You know.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
At that point, he was like going out a lot,
and I didn't want to go out obviously because I
wanted to stay home with my kids.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
So we started growing apart.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
And I feel like as a woman, you always feel it,
you know, like sometimes you say, oh my god, like
I never you know, I never imagined he would do
something like that, or like everything was perfect. It's like
the signs are there, we don't want to see them.
In this case, everything happened appeared to be fine. But
when I had a moment to breathe and to realize,
(13:37):
you know, what was going on in my life, I said,
I am so disconnected, you know, from this person. And
when I had the conversation with him, I didn't have
like the same I didn't have the response that I
wanted to have, which was like, you know, let's work
on this and let's go to therapy.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
It was kind of like, you know, you've gone through
a lot, so you know, maybe just like start having
some fun.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Was his own alternative motive for him to be doing
those other other relationship that he was in, Like do
you do you kind of go, await a minute.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
No, No, I don't blame myself. I think at this point.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
You I'm saying, do you think back and go? Was
he putting that on you to so that he could
have his other extramarital.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I yes, now that's a really good question, and I
have thought about that, because you know, I feel like
sometimes when the men are keeping secrets, it's like to
protect themselves also to protect me, and I always the
good thing about me is that I've in my first
two marriages, I've always thought the men have kept secrets,
but not to hurt me.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Obviously.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
The first reason is to protect themselves because they're afraid
that they share this kind of information, whether it's you know,
you know, legal things that they've done in their past,
or whether it's you know, sexual things or infidelity. Obviously
they know that we're not going to be okay with that,
We're going to judge them, chain them, get into a fight, whatever.
So I felt like he was having this conversation with
(15:02):
me because he didn't want to be selfish, like he
loved me so much, and I really do believe that
that he just wanted me. He couldn't have that conversation
where he was actually gonna come out and say, listen,
you know, I am having an occur with somebody and
it happens to me a man. He didn't want to
hurt me, So this man would have never told me that. So,
(15:22):
but at that point I think that he was already
involved with that person. Yes, so it was easier, like
you said to put it on me and said, you
know what, go have fun. And by the way, I did. Yeah,
I said, well, you've left me know the toy, said
you know what? And I needed it, Jana, like I
really needed it, you know. So so that's.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
What I did.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
I started going out with my friends. We would work together.
It was weird, like all my things have always been weird. Honestly,
my relationships, it's kind of like we're afraid to talk
about uncomfortable things, you know, that are going to hurt
us because you know, we we love each other, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
I don't know if other couples have you know that
problem too.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
It's like it's a communication problem pretty much because we're
afraid just say things to each other that are going
to hurt us.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Well, I think also too, it brings up things where
it's like sometimes when I say something to my husband,
he hears something totally different, like he hears me questioning him,
Like that's not I wasn't questioning. I was just asking
a question because I'm just curious. But like because they
have their own past things from their relationships where the
woman might have been questioning his reasoning for things, and like, no,
(16:27):
that's not at all. I was just more like curious
and so but how they react, and so it's it's learning,
you know, the other people's traumas and past relationships and
what they had to and how they reacted to things,
and it's it's all I mean, like you said in
the very beginning, there's no perfect relationship. It's really figuring
out how to communicate with each other. And you know,
I think a lot of times when you know, I've
(16:48):
had people reach out to me a lot because my
last husband had multiple affairs, and you know, when I
first found everything out, it was everything felt like a lie,
every like from the wedding to you know, the birth
of our daughter, to ourselves and like everything you know,
was meant nothing and it was all a lie. And
I've been able to figure out now that there are
(17:08):
truths and there's lies within things, but that it wasn't
all a lie for me, it was real and you know,
for not for him to not allow to take away
those memories. And you know, learning that your one ex
husband was I would would say he was he was gay.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Or he was bisexual.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I feel like he was bisexual, like towards the end,
you know, while we were separated, you know, while I
was married to him, I had no idea.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
But how do you how do you deal with that
that lie of Okay, our marriage was a lie? Like
what do you.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Don't you know? I don't. I never know.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
So that's I never felt like our marriage was a lie.
I felt that he did have the ability to love
me and fall in love with me, and he did
and that's why we got married. And you know, we
had you know, thirteen beautiful years and I just think
that it was like towards you know, the end of
our marriage, I said, I really do believe that. You know,
(18:06):
when you go through a traumatic experience in your family,
your family falls apart, and there's you know, different things
that fall apart. And again I'm not blaming myself because
I'm a mother before anything, and I had to focus
on my children, and he supported that. But with that
being said, you know, he also like you know, started
going out and you know, finding his outlets. You know,
like everybody deals with pain differently, and that affected him
(18:27):
a lot. Frankie's accident, and you know, he was also older,
you know, and I feel like sometimes you know, men
go through different mid life crisis and they deal with
things differently. And I guess it's just something that he had,
you know, within him, that he wanted to experience and
it happened. I wish she would have told me, because
you know, I would have been so open to this.
(18:49):
You know, I am such an open person, and you know,
I don't even and it might find funny, but like
I rather a guie tee with a guy than with
a girl.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
You know, that's just me.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I may be different, I may be crazy, but for me,
it's kind of like, Okay, well, I can't give them
what a man can give him, you know, physically, you know,
maybe emotionally yes, but you know, for me, it's just like,
you know, love is love, like it could be with
a man, it could be with a woman. But you know,
it was really hard for me because I found out
after he passed away like the day after we bury him,
(19:19):
so that what was it was like a betrayal obviously,
but then you kind of like try to justify it, right,
like saying, you know, how can somebody like this like
sit down the wife. You know, how can a husband
sit down a wife and say, you know, by the way,
you know, I'm in love with another man. It's hard,
especially like a Latino man you know that has you know,
somebody that's like well known in the community. You know,
(19:41):
there were so many prejudices like he could have never
done it. So I actually felt that, you know, I
still do. You know, I'm happy that he got to live.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
The right If you could ask him one question, what
would it be if he.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Was happy if he found Yeah, if he was happy,
And I really believed that he was because I got
to speak to that person and he told me like
the whole story. And by the way he told the
man also like this is my wife. He showed him
a picture, this is my wife, and I love her
and I don't ever want her to find out, so
you know, and I know that, like I So that's
(20:14):
why I'm okay with it, because I know how much
he loved me. Like his intentions. For me, it's all
about intentions, and people could see it the other way around. Well,
if he loved you so much, then he wouldn't have
done that to you, Right, it's a struggle.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
I get that.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
I also understand that it's true if they love you,
what didn't want to hurt you. In his case, he
was keeping it a secret because he didn't want to
hurt me. And I know those were his intentions, and
I'll know that forever.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Do you believe in monogamous relationships? Do you do believe
a man can be monogamous in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (20:53):
I do, Yeah, I do.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
I really do believe that, and I always want to
believe that, just like I believe in love. I want
to believe that anogmist because I feel like when you
have that love and connection and you just can't be
with another person, you know, for me, it's not for me,
it's like the whole mind body, so like I need
to be connected with the person. So I feel like
the time you find that disconnection with your with your
(21:17):
husband or with your partner, you have to go because
that means you're going to start being unfaithful and you
can't have like you know, the lack of trust and
dishonesty in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
So then how long? So when he passes you, guys,
how does that work? Does it? Do you have to
like do divorce papers or how like?
Speaker 2 (21:37):
No, No, I was his wife. I was his wife.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I mean I had a preen up. You girls have
talked about So I did have a preen up. But
I was, you know, legally his wife. We as a
matter of fact, we never even filed. We never even
went to see an attorney. It was kind of like,
if that's what I'm saying, all of my circumstances honestly
have been full strained because with him, we had that conversation.
(22:03):
And then maybe a few months later he moved out
of the house because he was going out at night
and getting home super late, and I was like, you
know what, this is not going to end okay. And
then by the way, I was going out too, and
if I would be home like before him, he would
call me like when are you coming home? I'm like, well, wait,
I mean we're husband and wife, but you know we're
you know, technically like really not together.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
We're taking a break. It was weird.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
That's something I will not recommend to anybody. I know
some people, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Breaks things work for there's different Like I could never
personally have anyone come in a relationship man, woman, anything
Like I'm like, I I know what that does for me,
having the years of affairs and stuff. But you know,
some people are cool with swinging or this or that
or no never.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
No, I am so jealous and possess them.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
I'm like, cuman, there's no way, I know for me,
it was never about that, and he knew that. So
that's why he had to, you know, take his own way.
So that's why he decided, you know, to move to
an apartment. So he had just gone an apartment a
few months, you know, prior before he passed away and
unfortunately had a heart attack and he passed away, and it.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Was sorry after that. How long was it until you
met your next husband? How many years?
Speaker 3 (23:18):
So I already knew my I already knew my husband
today while Hermann was still alive, and I had dated him.
You know, we were like dating for a while, okay,
for a few months whatever, we're just dating, and but
you know I wasn't ready. This is like there I knew,
you know, I was in my forties and I have
(23:40):
gone had gone through so much, you know, in both
of my relationships, and not only in my relationships, but
really what changed my life was my son, Jackson.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry, Like it's second
he said. Son. I'm like, oh, it's like it's like
when a dog dies in a movie. It's even worse,
you know what I mean, Like your kids, I can't like,
I love my husband, my children, anything happens like I'm
so sorry, Like I can't even imagine, Like.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
The way you're a mom that was that's undescribable. Only
a mom that's been there knows that pain. So I
was like, you know what, when when herman and I
just decided to take a break, like we said, there's
time some time off, I was like, you know what, Alexael, like,
you cannot be in a relationship with a man. You
need to just have fun. You need to you know,
(24:26):
do things for yourself, and you know, and that's what
I did. And I did meet my third husband, and
but like I said, I was not ready. I knew
I couldn't be in a relationship like that at that
moment because I feel like timing was so important as
well for and you know, the listeners out there, the
girls should be thinking about that because I always had
(24:47):
like with my friends, like, oh, it's all about time.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
It's all about timing.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Sometimes the right man comes into your life at the
wrong time in your life, and sometimes when you're ready,
the wrong guy comes into your life.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
So like, timing is really important.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
So I was very aware at that moment that I
did not want to have a serious relationship, but you know,
I did like him.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
And I did datum.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
And then it was six months after Hermann passed away
that we started seeing each other again, you know, so.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
And even married for how long with him.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Legally married two years together? Eight years together. We've been
living together for eight years, legally married for two years.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
So I read that he filed for divorce, and do
we know.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Why he did?
Speaker 3 (25:31):
So I didn't know myself at the moment, why you
know he would do this?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
So you had no idea. He just filed and you
had no idea, Like there wasn't like, hey, we should
get a divorce conversation.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
No, no, So there wasn't.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
And he first left the house on a Saturday, and
then he filed for divorce on Thursday. And I wasn't
expecting him to leave, like to move out of the
apartment like that either. So basically it's you know a
lot of things, you know, it's just not like one thing.
And by the way, with my second husband, it wasn't
(26:05):
really about his sexuality either, you know, it wasn't like
we had that conversation. And that's why, you know, we
just kind of like drifted apart, like I said, as
a couple because of the circumstances. And then you know,
eventually I found out after he passed, await what had happened.
And with the father of my kids, it was a
(26:26):
lot of things. You know, he had gone to prison,
he had come back home.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
You know, you lose.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
Respect and you know, that respect and admiration that I
had for him, you know, I saw him like as weak.
You know, it's so hard, you know, to come back
into society again, back into your family and to just
you know, keep on living a normal life. Like that
affected us a lot. I was a single mom for
five years. I had two kids. It was just crazy stuff.
(26:54):
And I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the maturity.
I you know, I didn't have to support and that's
why we just, you know, we're arguing all the time,
we were fighting.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You know, it's never really been more than that, you know.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I just think it was like two young people that
had those horrible circumstances. We didn't know how to deal
with it, and we just you know, grew apart and
just kind of broke off. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
I don't know. I'm just thinking like if my husband
just was like filed for divorce, I mean, a feeling
super blindsided, but also I'd be like, Okay, here's here's
maybe why, like he was unhappy with X Y and Z.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Oh oh, okay, well yes, well obviously, I mean, I
don't think anybody's faults for divorces. They're happy in the relationship,
but was expecting and no, so he's yes saying that
he was unhappy because first of all, I'm a public person,
which you already knew about, right, and.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Like you know.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
That when you're a public person, and especially the kind
of show that I'm on, everybody knows my story, everybody
knows my life. But when he did start dating me,
he had already done three seasons of this show. He
already knew who I was, and this is the person
that he fell in love with He fell in love
with me and my world. He knew my baggage, which
I don't even like to call it baggage because my
(28:07):
children are not my baggage. They're an extension of me
and they go with me everywhere, and if you love me,
you have to love my kids and the accepting of them.
So he knew all the circumstances. Like with this relationship,
I can tell you with my third relationship, my last one,
there was no secrets at all, at least well, there's
never been secrets with any of my husbands on my part,
(28:29):
and I want to believe that he didn't have any
secrets either, like the last one. But what I'm trying
to say is that he knew who I was. He
knew my entire life, and I was so honest, and
you know, I had done so much growth, you know,
and dealing because once I started dating him again, I
was still grieving Herman's loss because even though I wasn't
(28:51):
physically with him for the last year and a half,
I was very emotionally connected to Herman. He was a
very good person who was a very kind man. We
spent many years together and I have a lot of
love for him, and so once again I get into
a relationship six months later, and again I felt like
(29:11):
all my relationships I've gone into when I've been down,
you know, they haven't seen the best of Alexia. It's
not Alexi's best. They've gotten me when I've been like
down and vulnerable and like you said, looking for happiness,
because I haven't been happy myself because a lot of things.
Obviously I was grieving Hermon's death, right and all this
new information that I was finding out, and I had
(29:32):
all these questions, and I had legal problems with like
Carman's children.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
So I was going through a lot, is what I'm
trying to tell you.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Right, But I also I just want to say this
because I feel like a lot of times we take
the hit for going through a lot, Like when I
when I started dating someone post divorce. You know, the
guy was very much like call me when you heal,
and I'm like, you know, it made me feel bad
for crying when I didn't have my kids, you know,
for Christmas, And it was like the first of all
(29:59):
the many first I was having and it's like, listen,
you made me feel bad for feeling like I had
a lot to heal and work on. Like, I know
I have a lot to heal and work on, but
I don't need someone to remind me that I'm like,
I'm not a bad person for having feelings or for
for having for feeling grief or sadness because of a situation.
(30:19):
And like, you know, hearing you say like you had stuff, well,
of course you did. You were. You're dealing with traumas
and grief and loss and you know, separation. Those are
things that you know, the man shouldn't make you feel
like like, yes, did you get did they get the
perfect versions of both of us? Know, but also they
don't need to shed like they don't need to make
(30:39):
us feel bad about that.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
Right, make it worse?
Speaker 3 (30:41):
Right, No, And a good partner, why you're right, you're
absolutely right, And a good partner will be there to
listen to you, lift you up your feet and help
you get through it right and navigate through that. And
that's what it happened. That's actually what happened, and that's
why we did get married. But you know, he has
two daughters. You know, I have my children. His daughters
(31:01):
came to live with us. You know, we never you know,
blended as a family. You know, it's really hard for him,
you know, like being you know, for a father full time,
living with us full time.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
We had a lot of pressure. You know.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
We went from being like boyfriend and girlfriend you know,
kind of like on our own and you know, traveling
and just like that honeymoon state that we had like
the first two or three years. So of course our
relationship was beautiful. Once again, he came in, he sought
me off my feet. I started feeling happy again, which
is like what you're saying. When you're like in a
bad place and we meet a guy and they bring
(31:35):
all this joy into our life, We're like, this is it.
He's the guy. Oh my god, I haven't felt happy
like this in years. And it's kind of like you
confuse it and then it's easy for you to, you know,
to pick that guy, just like not the first one
that comes along. But it's kind of like, Okay, you
really feel inside like this is the man that's going
to make me happy. And I mean initially, we all,
(31:55):
I mean we all want to be happy, but like
you said, we have to be happy ourselves so we
can make others happy. Like now I know that I
just want them to add happiness to my life, you know,
just don't come take it away.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Yeah, and in this marriage, now that he's divorced, I've
heard that you guys have kind of hooked up post
the filings. Is that the thing you can well, of
course it is you love this person, he loves you.
But I'm curious, like, is there is there reconciliation within
that where you're like, Okay, I'm going to go work
(32:26):
on this and then can we work on this together?
And can this work? Because I'm a big believer in
reconciliation with two people are willing to show up to
their be their best versions and no, you.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Have to show up.
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, that's where we're at exactly because you know, and
just like therapy that we tried therapy, I feel like
for this to work, both of us have to want it.
It takes so much work and effort, and I think
that today, you know, couples just want to give up
because it's easier. They don't want to put in the work,
they don't want to go to therapy, they don't want
to take time for themselves and say I'm the problem
(33:00):
or you're the problem.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
And it's not even about who's the problem.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Is that how are we going to make this better
and fix it and own accountability and validate each other's feelings?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
You know.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
So it's it's hard. I feel like it's so much
easier today then back in the day to just walk away,
and then there's so many options for the other people,
you know, like saying like you're saying your friends like,
isn't it easier like just to like give up on
it and like to find another guy, like look.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
At you because your problems are still going to exist
and they're going to have problems. So now you're going
to have a whole new out the problems that you
have to then deal with.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Yeah, I'm like, I.
Speaker 3 (33:33):
Don't even want to see a man, Like honestly, I'm like,
right now I am not. So, you know, it's so
this is what's made it so hard this time around,
because we were in love with each other. We were like,
I think it's like an obsession. Honestly, I don't even
know if it's love anymore. It's an obsession and addiction.
I don't know what we want to call it. But
and you know, we do have problems, you know, communicating,
(33:54):
But I feel like, you know, a lot of couples do, right,
it's just learning how to talk to each other. So
we'll have like the highs and the low some good days,
some bad days. But then on top of it, you know,
I'm filming the show. So that makes it like a
lot easier, I mean, sorry, it makes it a lot
harder on my relationship because he never liked the show.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
That is the truth.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
And I've always said it, and I've always said I've
said it publicly, I've said it to him. I will
always pick you, you know, meaning my husband and taught
in this case, and my children and my family over
the show. But you know, sometimes I feel like he's
using it as an skateboard because he doesn't like it.
And honestly, you know, I feel like whatever partner you
(34:38):
have in your life needs to support you, and I
haven't had that support from him.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
You know, I get it. He doesn't align with the show.
He doesn't like it.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
And by the way, it's really not immense show, like
I honestly don't recommend for any other husbands to be involved,
but it is what it is. But we never really
had that conversation about, you know, pick me or the show, right,
So because it would always it would always be him.
It would always be him, and I gave him that option.
I wanted to do it, but he's like, oh no,
(35:07):
Like I can't. You know, you can't do that because
then you're going to resent me. So, you know, it's
been like an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I'm in
an emotional limbo because you know, I don't know what
to do.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
It's been six months.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Does he want to try to make it work?
Speaker 2 (35:25):
I feel like.
Speaker 3 (35:26):
We're both trying to make it work. But why isn't
it working after six months? Right? It's like how much
time do you give yourself? Like how much time do
you think?
Speaker 2 (35:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (35:36):
I mean, that's that's just a question because it's like
you got to address the main issue, is what is
the issue, and then work on that because if it
doesn't change, then it's just the same thing's going to
keep happening again and again. Then how long do you
continue to try?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Right?
Speaker 1 (35:50):
But I mean, if you guys are dating again, I
mean I feel like and there's hope for potential reconciliation.
I mean, I again, I'm always the one that's like,
if you guys can get to the root of it,
and then you know, plan a new seed with it,
it grows, right.
Speaker 3 (36:06):
I mean, I feel like whatever problems we had before,
we don't have anymore. But just because you know, his
daughters went to college and you know, and so you know,
I think that added a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Of stress on the marriage. And the show.
Speaker 3 (36:21):
A reality show adds a lot of stress on your
marriage as well. You have to have a very very
typeon you have to be a team and even so,
you know, I mean, obviously there's editing takes into place.
So sometimes you see yourself, you know, on the show
and you're like, my god, like I'm not that person.
You know why or you know why am I looking
(36:43):
that way? So you know, I respect all of that,
you know, when I get it. These guys don't show
up to do these kind of shows. They don't sign
up for it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
We do. But I feel like there's more there, you know.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
I think that that's just easier friend to say, like, well,
you know, I don't like the show, I don't like
your life, I don't like your world, so I'm just
gonna like exit it.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Well, but here's the deal, Like you're saying that you'll
choose him. So that's my that's my piece and like,
what is he Why is he trying to push you away?
When you're saying I will choose you right.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
Well, I've said that right and I'll keep on saying
it because you know, I that is the real story.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
Are you guys living together apart?
Speaker 3 (37:29):
We're not living together, which is it's good and it's
bad because you know, I've had a lot of time,
you know, for myself to do things for me to heal,
to understand things, to read books, to listen to podcasts, to.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Go on walks, and so it's fun.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
You know, it's hot and sexy to like date and
see each other again because you still have that chemistry
and we like each other. But it's when we start
talking about deeper things that we you know, start you know,
not with the fighting, but with like good disagreements.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Will you will you guys do therapy together? Like do
you believe in that together?
Speaker 3 (38:03):
So we tried that and it really didn't work for
us because well, in my case, I wanted to continue
it because I can take it, like I can take
talking about the past, crying about it and moving forward.
But I felt like in his case, he was he
just couldn't take it. You know, it's hard. Even the therapy,
you have to relive you know, all those all those
(38:26):
horrible moments that you did fight about and were triggers,
you have to relive them again. And so it was
it was really really tough for him, but you know,
at least he tried. And then we've had of agreed
that it wasn't great for us. I don't know if
it was a therapist or it was just us ourselves,
and you know, we're both like reading books and talking
to each other.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
We're bored.
Speaker 3 (38:47):
Like I can tell you for sure that I'm a
lot more self aware and educated, and I think that
that really changes things because sometimes when you're in it,
you know, you don't realize it. But now that we
have time apart and we have time for ourselves, you
kind of like when we start a conversation, I'm like, Okay,
I know where this is going. I know what you're
doing and you know whatnot. But but yeah, I still
(39:11):
don't know what we're doing.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
You know. I know we're liking going out and kind.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
Of like the dating, but I'm like, am I going
to go from being your wife to be like your girlfriend?
Like it doesn't make any sense. I mean, I still
feel like his wife.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
I think if there's love still there and you know,
two people are willing to try, I'm always like such
an advocate for that. And my therapist one time said,
don't make any big decisions. He's she's like, do a
year essentially, So you know, you have to trust your
heart with that. But I always say to people again, like,
(39:42):
it's not it's not greener stepping out, it's it's you
can have a stronger marriage if you know, if you
and like you said, you're like you want to put
in the work and you're trying to do it, and
so you know, I think, you know, for our listeners,
what would be your biggest tip to them that you
would tell them if they were in the situation, Because
that's sometimes a lot of times I shadow that because
(40:05):
I'm like, what would I tell my friend because that's
the advice and that I would want to take.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
That's true.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Well, apparently it gives really good advice to everyone else
into my friends, But then I don't I don't apply
it to myself. You know, I've always been the kind
of person that has followed her heart, and even if
I had all the obstacles and challenges and the entire
world telling me don't do it. A let's you don't
do it, and you know your friend will obviously love
and want to protect you and want to protect your heart.
(40:31):
So everybody has a different opinion. But I've always really
followed my heart. So whatever my heart, my heart's telling
me right now to continue to fight for this, you know,
and and to try to fix it and make it better.
That's another thing about me that I'm like a fixer,
like I need to fix everything, and sometimes you have.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
To know when.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
There's no more you can do, right, It's kind of
like you have to know when to walk away.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Well, and you're an insane smart business woman too, Like
you're very smart with all of that. So I think
you know for our listeners too, you're you know when
it comes to finances, like you are very savvy. What
has been your biggest mistake you've made in that department
in relationships? And then what do you think has saved
you the most.
Speaker 3 (41:20):
So I feel that the worst thing that I've done
is that I've never really been involved in the finances
with the men. The men have taken care of everything
because they've had those personalities and they've usually had more money,
so they've taken it upon themselves to pay for everything
(41:41):
and to kind of like just share what they've wanted
to share. And you know, I believe like your first
husband is different from like your second and third husband.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
You know.
Speaker 3 (41:49):
I feel like when you get married together and you know,
for the first time, and you know you're both starting off,
I believe that it's usually more like you share more
about the finances, and you know, you kind of like
are growing your life and building your life and growing,
so you're more involved. But I found with like my
second husband, it was kind of like you never really shared,
(42:09):
you know, how much he had or how much he
didn't have. You know, I kind of like found out
after he passed away, and I was but he always
made me feel secure, so it's not like I had
to like question, you know, his finances. But you know,
I advise every woman that they really need to be
involved and they need to know what's going on, and
you know, take that initiative because things happen like divorce
(42:30):
or death and then you know they don't know what's
going on, which is practiced. Really what happened to me
after herman's death?
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Yeah, sure, what do you think is the one thing
that you need to work on the most for like
in the relationship, and then also just you personally, like
you're one thing that you're like, this is what I
keep hitting up against.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
So I mean, I feel like I need to work
more on just being a little bit more guarded with
my heart. You know, I feel like I'm such an
EmPATH now I'm an educated EmPATH. So it's like I
you know, you need to protect your heart sometimes because
you can't give it away just to anyone or to anybody.
(43:13):
And I just need to take my time, you know,
to just feel good about myself. And like I said,
I do like so much in my life and now
to the point like I used to be ashamed about
a lot of things in my life, not about me
and me as a person, but around what was around me.
And so I've done good with that as far as
(43:33):
like being seeing the good about it, seeing my life lessons,
learning from it, and actually being proud that I am
the woman that I am today because of what I've
gone through and learned from. And as far as the
finances is like you have to have your own money,
you have to be independent, and if the guy has
money more power to you. But I feel like a
(43:55):
man respects a woman a lot more in a marriage
when she comes with her own education, with her own money,
with her own with her own skills, and like it's
not like she has to contribute to the household and
she has suit. I'm sure she will, but I feel
like the whole thing changes. You know, they have a
different perspective of who you are.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
They respect you more as long as they're secure. Because
my problem is my past relationships. The guys always said
that was like their favorite quality about me that I
you know, provided that I was the quote unquote breadwinner,
But then that became the thing they used against me too, sure,
and I feel like that came from their own insecurities
(44:37):
of things. But then I'm like, well, but I remember
when I got divorced. My husband was like, we'll have
fun making money. I'm like, is that a bad thing? Like,
I guess I'm supporting you and paying child support. I
wouldn't complain about like.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
Why, like what he should want you to make more money?
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Yeah, I'm like, huh, But speaking of that co parenting
side of things, what is your And I so agree
with you because there's nothing like I could you know,
I could say the meanest things about him to you know,
one day my kids and now I could just treat
him terribly, but I'm like, for what what what is
that going to help or do? And like for me,
(45:14):
I'm like, you know, they think their dad is the
most amazing human on the planet. Amazing. I'm doing my
job then as a mom, you know, so they always
believe that, you know, and if they want to ask
questions later on, they can go to him or us
later to find But you know, and we we do
kind of high five ourselves at times, being like, hey,
(45:35):
this is hasn't been an easy journey to get here,
but you know, thanks for being a good you know,
because I've been kind to him, He's been kind back
to me. So it's like it's been good. But I
know a lot of people struggle on that co parenting
and since this is I do part two, most people
are probably going to come with kids. So what is
your biggest tip for co parenting for the listeners when
(45:57):
they start to find love.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
You know, I mean, it's not the kid's fault that
their parents are no longer together, and our children are
always going to want us with obviously their.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
Dad, but the couple.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
You know, the moms and dads really don't realize and
understand how much they hurt their kids by speaking badly
about their mothers and fathers, because at the end of
the day, they know it already inside. Like sometimes obviously
they grow up and then they'll they'll they'll find their
own assumptions. They know everything that's going on. I mean,
(46:30):
years later, my older son said, with both of my marriages,
my older sons has said, you know what, Mom, I
know you tried. You're an amazing mom, and I love you.
I know how much you tried. And I understand why
you divorce my dad, and I understand why you and
herman are separated. Like there's an understanding there. It's uncomfortable
to talk to them, but you need to protect them.
(46:51):
And I'm always about protecting, you know, my kids and
their hearts. Like they're they're you know, they're not blinds,
they're not deaf like they're they're listening. They're seeing so
deep inside they so why put more on them. It's
already hard enough. You know, the parents really have to
learn how to get along. And I get it in
the beginning. It's hard, especially under circumstances like that of
like cheating or betrayal or whatnot.
Speaker 2 (47:13):
But you need to move past past that.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And be there for their children because no matter what,
no matter how bad you talk about the dad or
the mom, they're still going to love their parents. I mean,
or you know, once they grow up and once they're eighteen,
they're gonna they're going to have the right, you know,
to go live with whatever parent they want to spend
more time. So just why do that to them?
Speaker 1 (47:33):
On dred percent? And then what do you hope to
teach the listeners through this experience?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
Well, I first want to say, don't give up on love,
because you know, love is there and you just have
to want it. You have to be open to it,
have an open mind, have an open heart. Manifest it,
you know, manifest the kind of man, the kind of
relationship you want, you know what you're looking for. Don't
be obsessed because you know there's a lot of women
(47:57):
that are like, oh my god every time they go
od it's like to for a guy, Like I have
to find a guy, you know, I find that you
find that person when you're least looking for it, and
that's how it's happened. To me like I have not
been looking for any of the of my men, you know,
and any of these relationships. I just wanted to be out,
have fun, talk to people, have a drink, and I've
(48:19):
you know, and that's how I've met like my three husbands.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
I haven't done the dating online ding. I don't think
I'm very much like I like to like see the guy,
like see the person, yeah, and interact. I don't know
how much online day.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
I know you're going to be You're going to be
such an amazing guest mentor so thank you so much
for coming on this journey alongside with us. We appreciate
you so much. And I just I love a girl
that loves to love like you know, just we all
got a little j low in us.
Speaker 2 (48:47):
So yes, that is for sure.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Never give up. You know, love is everything. I mean,
this is why you fight for everything because of love.
Love for your children, love for your husband, different kinds
of love, but that feeling of love is just every
and that's what keeps me going.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
And we're going to love ourselves first and then everyone
else around us. It's same to Amenda that Alexia, you're
the best. Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
Thank you Jana so much. Fit Bye, honey bye.
Speaker 1 (49:13):
We are so thrilled to have Alexia be a part
of our celebrity mentor team on I Do Part two.
So if you are struggling on if you should stay
in a relationship or leave it, or how to reconcile
a relationship, we want to hear from you, or if
you're single and ready to find love again, call us
one eight four four four I Do Pod. That's eight
four four four four three six seven six three or
(49:34):
email us at I dopodt iHeartRadio dot com. Follow us
on Instagram at I Do Part two pod. I Do
Part two. That's the number two pod. I Do Part
two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the
main objective
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