July 16, 2025 • 24 mins
We’ve all been there -- refreshing the post, saying yes when we mean no, chasing gold stars just to feel okay. In this episode, I break down how I uncoupled my self-worth from achievement after winning Paralympic gold…and still feeling empty. If you’ve ever tied your value to success, productivity, or praise, this is for you. We’ll unpack 5 steps to stop chasing external validation, and start building real, lasting self-trust.
For anyone learning to say: “I’m enough, even when no one’s clapping.”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to the Gold Metal Mindset Podcasts. It's me
Brenda Huckabee, and today I want to talk about external
validation and how to stop chasing it. Which hmm. Let
me tell you, I've been on this journey for about
ten years now a little less, but about ten years,
and it truly is a practice, any journey, even though
(00:23):
a freaking need the word journey. There's so many journeys,
but laud yep, it's a journey. We're doing it again.
Mm hmm. Now I have to ask you. Have you
ever posted something on social media and you just caught
yourself refreshing your feed like NonStop, Or maybe you said
yes to something that you really didn't want to do,
(00:44):
but you felt like you should, maybe just to please
someone or to look like you have it all together.
If so, you know the trap of chasing external validation.
It doesn't always look like chasing success. Sometimes it looks
like chasing a pat on the back or a good job.
And we all enjoy the pat on the back and
(01:04):
the good job. That's human. But when our self worth
depends on others' approval, when we hand them the keys
to our happiness, that's the slippery slope, and research shows
that when we base our self esteem on other people's approval,
we become addicted to chasing it. It's like pouring water
(01:24):
into a bucket with a hole in it. It's never full.
But enough is enough, Enough is enough. We're not doing
this anymore. So let's talk about five steps to break
free from external validation. That hamster will, that moving goalposts,
and let's start talking about how we can actually validate
ourselves from within. In twenty eighteen, after winning two Paralympic
(01:47):
gold medals, I was hit with a realization I was
not ready for Those medals did not change who I was,
and they didn't change my life or my career, at
least not in the way that I thought they would.
It was like somebody held up a mirror and said, see,
you still don't value yourself unless you're achieving. And because
there is no other Paralympic moments to achieve right like
(02:09):
I made it to the height of my career, that
moment landed me in therapy. That was the first time
that I went to therapy because I knew something needed
to change. I'd been to therapy before, but this time
was like, hey, fix me. This started an eight year
journey of untangling my self worth from success, and I
can sit here and say it's twenty twenty five. Another
(02:29):
Paralympic's done, more metals won. I'm telling you this that
I value myself beyond what I do. And while that
awareness didn't show up overnight, it's the most important thing
I have ever learned in life so far. It's not
that you're vain or weak if you're craving validation. It's
that you're human, and humans want to belong. And here's
(02:49):
why we may chase approval. Maybe we're doing it because
it feels good. The likes, the compliments, the applause, They
light up our brain. They give us dopamine. But it's temporary.
It only happens briefly. Maybe there's a level of low
self esteem or anxiety if you don't feel good enough internally.
External praise feels like a fix, but again it's short lived,
(03:12):
and maybe it's a could trull or gender conditioning. Women
especially are taught to be likable, agreeable, never rock the vote.
I remember eighth grade, Oh, miss Scott, she had three
rules up on her chalkboard. This has nothing to do
with anything, but she had three rules and it's a
number one. She would go, I am the boss number two.
I am the boss number three. Seen rules number one
(03:35):
and two, and she would do that, Oh my gosh,
too much. Anyway, she would go, women should be seen
and not heard. And I remember in my head, I
would be like, graw, I'm in eighth grade. I'm a
little girl, like I'm not a woman. But there is
a level of gender conditioning, especially with women. Of course,
men have it too, very different way, right, it's almost
(03:56):
the opposite. We are taught to people please be quiet,
you know, caretake be right for other people, and men
are almost expected to achieve. So I want to validate.
I want to externally validate both experiences. They're different. I'm
going to speak mostly to my lived experience, so there's
going to be more of a woman centric experience here.
(04:16):
I'm not one of those girls with a podcast that
talk about men, mostly because I just don't know enough
and two I don't know. I'm here to talk about
my lived experience and how to help you through yours,
so validating men do go through this. Hopefully there is
a man podcast not talking about women that is actually
helping men navigate these experiences where were we yes validation.
(04:37):
Validation for many genders becomes a survival skill, and so again,
it looks different ways for each person. However, the outcome
is the same. You stop relying on yourself and who
you are as a person and what you know that
you can achieve or not achieve, and just be and
you are looking for outside resources and validation to fix
and change and be how you should. I've been a
(04:59):
now my entire life. I did gymnastics before I lost
my leg, lost my leg, transitioned into many different sports,
and then stuck on snowboarding. And here's the thing. Throughout
this time, in sports and in school, you always know
where you stack up. There's very clear benchmarks. You have ratings.
In school you have a's, and in sports you have
gold medals. It's very prescriptive, which I love, to be honest,
(05:22):
but real life, real life, outside of what we're doing
and achieving, it's not like that we have no scoreboard
telling us how worthy we are. And that is where
I really began to struggle, because I spent years believing
that if I was the perfect mom, the perfect wife,
the perfect friend, then I could rest, then I could
be proud but that's not rest. That's literally a prison,
(05:44):
and it's one I'm still walking myself out of every
single day. And of course I know it's not literally
a prison. Okay, it's figuratively a prison, but sometimes there's
more impact in seeing literally. Okay. But here's the thing.
Awareness is everything. So when you start to recognize the cycle,
then you can pause and ask yourself, oh, where did
this belief come from? And when you can do this,
(06:05):
we can go back and say, oh, maybe it's because
I was chasing metals. Maybe it's because I was chasing
straight a's. Maybe it was because I was chasing my
parents saying good job or giving me attention if I
was the best musician, the best athlete, the best scholar.
That was very much from my household. Love my parents dearly.
But yes, you know, we all fit in our own boxes,
and we all had to each so wear in our
(06:25):
own boxes. Again, this is going and reflecting and bringing
attention and awareness to things. Is not to blame. Okay.
We are all adults, and we are all responsible for
our own healing and our own journey. And guess what,
our parents and the people in our lives, this is
their first time doing life. So we're focusing on ourselves
(06:45):
and our own healing. We're not focusing on blame. I
just want to kind of add that in there. But
ask yourself where this came from, and that's where our
healing actually starts. That's where it begins. So once we
know the why, we're gonna build the how. Internal validation
is a rackteous. It's about learning to feel proud, learning
to feel loved enough from the inside out. And here's
(07:08):
how I started the first one. Honestly, this one is
probably the easiest thing you can do. I have it
on my finch app which the finn Aap. My friend
send it to me. It's so cute. You take care
of a little finch and by doing daily habits and
this one, I always have it on there. It's celebrate
your wins, especially the small ones. I have it in
my daily to do to find one thing that I
(07:32):
am proud of that I accomplished that day. Sometimes it's
that I did a meditation, that I took time for myself,
that I noticed a small thing that brought me joy.
Sometimes it's tied to productivity. There's no good or bad way.
The only way to know if it's good or bad
is how does it feel inside when you slow down
and get quiet. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it.
If it feels good, keep doing it. It doesn't matter
(07:54):
if it works for other people or not. If it
works for you, it works for you. Okay, So celebrate
your wines. Did you make a call, you were dreading,
did you show up tired but kind? All of these
things count. The next thing that we're going to do
is use affirmations, even if they feel weird, and they will.
If this is new to you, try things like I
am enough, I don't need to earn rest, I am
(08:18):
worthy of all the good in my life. I don't
need to chase goals. My life right here is beautiful
and I love being in the present moment. I'm a queen,
I'm a boss, I'm a cunt. Sorry, but try this
pro tip. Do it in the mirror and repeat it
out loud to yourself. Recently I started doing this with
(08:38):
my sports psych and I've always had affirmations. I know
positive self talk is important something I've worked on, but
he was like, no, we need to start getting this
a little bit deeper, because as I'm competing negative self
talk and For me, it's more of like pushing myself further,
and I've used negative talk from other people fuel. However,
(09:01):
I've noticed that it's no longer working. So we were like, Okay,
we need to deepen my positive self talk to use
it while I'm competing. YadA, YadA, YadA, you know the things.
When I first started doing this, it was like day
two or something, and I was in my bathroom and
I'm speaking kindly to myself and my daughter walked in,
and I got so embarrassed. I was like, oh no,
how dare she see me talking kind to myself in
my own bathroom? And I'm being physatious right now, but
(09:25):
like I'm being one hundred percent. I was so embarrassed,
and it really took me a second to pause and go,
hold on, while I try not to speak negatively about myself.
That's important to me. I've never thought about the fact
that seeing my kids speaking kindly to myself can be
such a beautiful moment, And that happened, like I don't know,
(09:45):
a couple months ago. Last night, as I was talking
my oldest into bed, she opened up to me about
her own self talk journey or whatever she'd been going
through and I gave her this tool as well, and
I think I'm gonna have her do it this afternoon,
like actually walk her through it. But you're never too
older young to talk kindly to yourself. And it shouldn't
be embarrassing to have somebody hear you speak kindly to
(10:05):
yourself too. It shouldn't be so wild how that is.
And for the sake of time, moment to move on,
because I really could yap on all of these things.
So the next thing, as we're building our innervalidation muscles,
is practicing mindfulness or meditation. And mindfulness and meditation, while
they're not exactly the same thing, they definitely work hand
in hand. For me meditation. There's multiple different ways to meditate,
(10:29):
but almost all of them require just full intention in
observing the present moment. It can be walking. You can
go on a walk, no music, just being in the moment.
Sometimes a walking meditation around your house can be really great.
Sitting down and meditating. There's guided meditations online that you
(10:50):
could use. Incredible stuff. And what I've learned through meditation,
it helps you hear yourself more without the noise of expectation.
It tells you what you need why you're seeking and
beyond that, the more you do it, the more you
start to really understand and see where you fit into
like the grim scheme of life, and you start to realize, wow,
(11:10):
not a whole lot of this truly matters. It doesn't
matter in the way that I thought it did. And
so I'm going to allow myself to just be to
slow down to enjoy life. And for me, that's where
a lot of my meditation really helps me be grounded
in that. And secondly, mindfulness for me is another practice
that is a more moment to moment check in with myself,
(11:31):
a slowing down and a catch of the breath of ah,
all right, I notice my breath and here I am.
I notice my breath and here I am, and I'm
really proud of myself in this moment. And then it
can go back to celebrating your winds, mindful of the moment,
celebrate my winds, use the affirmation. Okay. So honestly, my
(11:51):
one a is a meditation should be number one in
the practice because without it celebrating your winds and affirmations,
they're gonna happen and less frequently. So mindfulness just gives
you more opportunities to practice and show up for yourself.
And the last thing is you're going to talk to
yourself like a friend. Right. This kind of goes back
to affirmations, but you never say to your friend what
(12:12):
you say to yourself, So maybe stop and start speaking gently. Yeah,
it's been about a year of doing this daily, these
affirmations of self trust, keeping my word, meditating, And I
was reading an old journal recently where I wrote, I
just want to learn how to trust myself. That is
my only goal. And back then I didn't. I broke
promises to myself constantly. And if I couldn't trust myself,
(12:34):
how could I trust my affirmations, how could I know
that I was enough? But now they're doing this work
for about a year, I trust me. I can sit here,
I can speak into the mic, and I can say
I know I'm doing okay, even when it's messy, because
meditation has taught me something unexpected too, that I'm not
just one little human doing things. I'm a part of
(12:54):
something so much bigger. And my life is this tiny,
miraculous blip, permanent, and because of that, it is so precious.
So I stop needing to prove that I mattered, and
I just get to be and I know through meditation
and through connecting that it's enough, Know that it's enough,
and just to take the second to go back to
(13:16):
the mindfulness and the meditation. And where it relates to
self trust is I didn't realize how many choices I
had in life, Like right now, I have the choice
to pause this recording, go make myself a cup of
coffee and come back. I have the choice to stop
this recording, to get rid of it, and to go
do something else. I have infinite amount of choices in
each moment every day. But unless I'm living mindful, I
(13:39):
don't see that everything is just happening at me so quickly.
And because of that, I don't keep my word with
the habits that I want to build. I don't keep
my word with the goals that I have and the
daily practices that I'm wanting to implement, and so really
slowing down. Whenever I think of mindfulness, I really think
is slowing down. And that's scary, and that's hard. Because
(13:59):
of slow down. Who's to say we won't stop. But again,
that's where that self trust comes, and knowing that no
matter what, no matter how fast you go even though
maybe it's not the best for all of us. But
no matter how slow you go, everything's gonna be okay.
The next part for me that is really important as
it comes to no longer chasing external validation. And this one,
again is a practice and it takes time, is breaking
(14:21):
the people pleasing habit. If you have ever said yes
to just avoid disappointing someone, welcome to the club, baby.
People pleasing is a form of seeking validation and it
is a exhausting. But here's how we're gonna break it.
We're gonna start small. We're gonna say no to something
low stakes. We're gonna survive the awkward moment and we're
(14:43):
gonna repeat it. We're going to tolerate the discomfort. Okay,
boundaries feel scary, but freedom lives on the other side, okay,
And boundaries isn't controlling what other people are doing. Boundaries
is controlling yourself to navigate what other people are doing.
And as you're doing this that you don't have to
over explain yourself because no is a complete sentence. So
(15:04):
if your people pleaser like me, you know how real
this is. Every time I hold a boundary, I swear
I get an adrenaline rush. I feel like I just
did like a whole snowboard run. Because it's scary, it's brave.
But bravery isn't being fearless, it's being scared and doing
it anyway, right. And yeah, it may feel silly to
acknowledge the fact that simply talking to another human can
(15:28):
give you an adrenaline rush and feel scary, but you
know what, for some of us, that's the reality, and
I'm so proud of us doing it anyway. One thing
I learned recently, or I guess wasn't that recently, But
one thing I have learned through therapy, especially through AMDR,
is that I have choices. Right going back to that,
I used to think life was just happening at me,
But I know that I can choose how I show
(15:50):
up in moments. And the only way I know what
I need is if I slow down. And so, when
somebody is coming to you, and maybe your initial desires
to say yes, right because you don't want to upset,
you don't want to disappoint, it feels like it's what
you should do, slow down and ask yourself what do
I actually need right now? And then honor that answer,
even if somebody else doesn't like it. That's the work,
(16:13):
and that's where self trust comes. We don't need to
protect other people from their own choices. And sometimes I
feel like with my people pleasing behaviors, I'm trying to
make sure that they are okay without even asking if
I am. And so as I developed knowing and asking
myself what do I need? Not only am I able
to show up for people when it actually matters holy
(16:35):
in a lot of ways selfish leep, I'm also able
to trust myself in my judgments when I do decide
those things. And self trust isn't built on perfection, right,
You're gonna get it wrong and that's okay, you will
make it through. But it's built on consistency, and it's
built on compassion. And the secret ingredient to all of
this is giving yourself grace. So the next thing in
(17:00):
breaking free of this validation is to seek nourishing connections
like we all need connection, but not all validation is
created equally. The goal isn't to stop caring what anyone thinks.
It's to be selective about whose opinions matter. So before
you decide to take advice, ah, would you switch lives
with them, and the answer is no, Maybe it's not
(17:21):
the advice you should be taking. Number two, take inventory
of the people that are in your life, who is
uplifting you and who's draining you. Seek safe support. Make
sure that the people in your network are safe who
see you as a whole person and not your performance.
Maybe they're friends, therapists, mentors, family members. Maybe that support
(17:44):
is small. Regardless, asking for help is not weak. It's
actually one of the strongest things we can do. Asking
for help is scary, and it's brave to push through that.
And so the last thing when it comes to seeking
nourishing connections, limit toxic spaces that you are in, and
that includes online. If you leave a space feeling less than,
(18:07):
it is not a safe space for you to be.
Sometimes I look at my life and I go, damn,
I actually really love it here. But when I spend
too much time online, that joy slips. I start to compare,
I start to doubt. I wonder if I'm doing enough.
I've had to get real intentional about what I consume.
And when my husband jokes that I climb on a
high horse every time I talk about leaving social media.
(18:30):
But I'm telling you logging off significantly. I used to
have like fairly high screen time. I went from like
many hours, maybe like two hours to one hour as
my limit to now I do about ten to twenty minutes.
Just depends on what I'm doing online that day and
logging off to that level. And I need social media.
(18:51):
That's a part of my job, so I can't remove
it completely. But it's helped me find joy again. I
stop chasing my life through what I thought I should want,
and I started enjoying what I already actually have. And
that's me. Like that is success, Like I'm like, holy crap,
I am the most successful person I've ever met. Probably
(19:11):
not true, because I'm sure other people are doing this too,
But as I look at my life and I look around,
and I can be in that moment of like, yes,
I built this, we're vibe and we're chilling. Sure other
people have more. Sure other people have so much more
that I can't even comprehend. Sure some people have less.
It doesn't matter because this is what I have and
I'm good with it. I love my life and I
(19:32):
love saying where it's gonna go. And I just I
think we can all look around and do that for ourselves. Truly, truly,
the last step in setting yourself up to no longer
chase external validation is setting boundaries with those toxic influences.
That is how important that last pieces of removing toxic spaces,
(19:54):
because validation addiction thrives in toxic environments, So you're gonna
have to do a little cleans, a little detox to
protect your piece. And honestly, I would just start with
what's easy social media limits, curate your feed, take breaks,
unfollow people, mute people. You don't have to tell them.
(20:15):
You can just quietly exit because we don't want to
contribute to their own situation and their own pain and
their own judgment in comparison, so we can just quietly
remove ourselves. The next thing you can do is identify
unsafe people in your own circles, in your own life.
If someone manipulates or invalidates you, that's not love, that's control.
Create space from that, and then also ask better questions
(20:37):
instead of how do I make them happy? How do
I fix them? How do I make sure that they're
okay with me and they're okay? Try and said to
ask what do I need right now? I used to
think honestly that it was weak to need a break
from social media, like really, you can't handle people posting
like that's crazy, but honestly, no, I couldn't, and that's okay.
I started noticing that my joy disappeared when I scrolled
(20:58):
too much hold back. I got quiet, and I realized
that I love my life, not the filtered version, but
the real one. And I used to chase change just
to prove something, just to prove that, like I can
do it, and I can go after my goals, and
like I'm good enough and I'm successful enough and I'm
smart enough that I can do all of these things.
But now I only chase what feels aligned, and honestly,
(21:19):
I don't even know if I chase it. I just
do what feels aligned and be in those moments that
feel aligned and that shift. Yea, that is where you
start to feel that deep self respect of like, yeah,
I trust myself, I do what's best for me. And again,
I want to make sure that it's an understanding that
it's not selfish and you're not doing it to manipulate people,
(21:42):
and you still get to show up for people, like
just because you're curating a life in a community that
you know, what's the word I'm blinking on the word
facilitates a positive environment, supports a positive environment. Just because
you're curating that, it doesn't mean you can't show up
(22:02):
for people the same way. You can't be that positive
safe space for other people. I think we often get
that misaligned and confused of oh, I'm gonna go work
on myself and I'm gonna self trust and self respect
and YadA, YadA YadA. But a huge piece of this
is knowing how to interact with other people. We cannot
self isolate. That is not the goal here. The goal
(22:25):
is to be able to show up fully as ourself
for ourself, not seek external validation, but also still be
a leader and a community person and a friend and
a mother and a daughter and a wife. Still show
up for those people in the most loving way that
you can. Of course, if you have to pull back
because of toxic city, of course, but making sure that
(22:47):
you know, sometimes pulling away like the last step, in
my opinion, there's always something that can be done again,
very different with abuse. But yeah, that was a lot
that was heavy. But those are the five steps to
being able to self validate. Step one was understand why
you crave that validation. Step two is build those inner
(23:08):
validation muscles. Step three is breakout of that people pleasing habit.
Step four was seek nourishing connections, and step five was
set boundaries with toxic influences. So if you can do
all of this, you get to embrace your work without
the applause, and especially without needing the applause, because you
still might get one, but you won't need it. You
(23:30):
didn't start seeking validation out of nowhere because it came
from years of learning that your worth depended on performance.
But it doesn't and it never did, So give yourself credit.
You're unlearning a story that was never yours to carry.
And remember what the superior person seeks is in themselves.
That was Confucius. You don't need a louder applies. You
(23:54):
need your own approval. So next time you catch yourself
chasing praise, pause and ask what do I need right?
And can I give it to myself? And then actually
do it because you already are enough, even when no
one else collaps, even when no one else sees it,
even when the cameras are off, and if no one's
told you today, I love you and you're doing great,
(24:14):
not that you needed to hear it. I will see
you guys on the next episode. Thank you for being
here with me. Bye.
Welcome back to the Gold Metal Mindset Podcasts. It's me
Brenda Huckabee, and today I want to talk about external
validation and how to stop chasing it. Which hmm. Let
me tell you, I've been on this journey for about
ten years now a little less, but about ten years,
and it truly is a practice, any journey, even though
(00:23):
a freaking need the word journey. There's so many journeys,
but laud yep, it's a journey. We're doing it again.
Mm hmm. Now I have to ask you. Have you
ever posted something on social media and you just caught
yourself refreshing your feed like NonStop, Or maybe you said
yes to something that you really didn't want to do,
(00:44):
but you felt like you should, maybe just to please
someone or to look like you have it all together.
If so, you know the trap of chasing external validation.
It doesn't always look like chasing success. Sometimes it looks
like chasing a pat on the back or a good job.
And we all enjoy the pat on the back and
(01:04):
the good job. That's human. But when our self worth
depends on others' approval, when we hand them the keys
to our happiness, that's the slippery slope, and research shows
that when we base our self esteem on other people's approval,
we become addicted to chasing it. It's like pouring water
(01:24):
into a bucket with a hole in it. It's never full.
But enough is enough, Enough is enough. We're not doing
this anymore. So let's talk about five steps to break
free from external validation. That hamster will, that moving goalposts,
and let's start talking about how we can actually validate
ourselves from within. In twenty eighteen, after winning two Paralympic
(01:47):
gold medals, I was hit with a realization I was
not ready for Those medals did not change who I was,
and they didn't change my life or my career, at
least not in the way that I thought they would.
It was like somebody held up a mirror and said, see,
you still don't value yourself unless you're achieving. And because
there is no other Paralympic moments to achieve right like
(02:09):
I made it to the height of my career, that
moment landed me in therapy. That was the first time
that I went to therapy because I knew something needed
to change. I'd been to therapy before, but this time
was like, hey, fix me. This started an eight year
journey of untangling my self worth from success, and I
can sit here and say it's twenty twenty five. Another
(02:29):
Paralympic's done, more metals won. I'm telling you this that
I value myself beyond what I do. And while that
awareness didn't show up overnight, it's the most important thing
I have ever learned in life so far. It's not
that you're vain or weak if you're craving validation. It's
that you're human, and humans want to belong. And here's
(02:49):
why we may chase approval. Maybe we're doing it because
it feels good. The likes, the compliments, the applause, They
light up our brain. They give us dopamine. But it's temporary.
It only happens briefly. Maybe there's a level of low
self esteem or anxiety if you don't feel good enough internally.
External praise feels like a fix, but again it's short lived,
(03:12):
and maybe it's a could trull or gender conditioning. Women
especially are taught to be likable, agreeable, never rock the vote.
I remember eighth grade, Oh, miss Scott, she had three
rules up on her chalkboard. This has nothing to do
with anything, but she had three rules and it's a
number one. She would go, I am the boss number two.
I am the boss number three. Seen rules number one
(03:35):
and two, and she would do that, Oh my gosh,
too much. Anyway, she would go, women should be seen
and not heard. And I remember in my head, I
would be like, graw, I'm in eighth grade. I'm a
little girl, like I'm not a woman. But there is
a level of gender conditioning, especially with women. Of course,
men have it too, very different way, right, it's almost
(03:56):
the opposite. We are taught to people please be quiet,
you know, caretake be right for other people, and men
are almost expected to achieve. So I want to validate.
I want to externally validate both experiences. They're different. I'm
going to speak mostly to my lived experience, so there's
going to be more of a woman centric experience here.
(04:16):
I'm not one of those girls with a podcast that
talk about men, mostly because I just don't know enough
and two I don't know. I'm here to talk about
my lived experience and how to help you through yours,
so validating men do go through this. Hopefully there is
a man podcast not talking about women that is actually
helping men navigate these experiences where were we yes validation.
(04:37):
Validation for many genders becomes a survival skill, and so again,
it looks different ways for each person. However, the outcome
is the same. You stop relying on yourself and who
you are as a person and what you know that
you can achieve or not achieve, and just be and
you are looking for outside resources and validation to fix
and change and be how you should. I've been a
(04:59):
now my entire life. I did gymnastics before I lost
my leg, lost my leg, transitioned into many different sports,
and then stuck on snowboarding. And here's the thing. Throughout
this time, in sports and in school, you always know
where you stack up. There's very clear benchmarks. You have ratings.
In school you have a's, and in sports you have
gold medals. It's very prescriptive, which I love, to be honest,
(05:22):
but real life, real life, outside of what we're doing
and achieving, it's not like that we have no scoreboard
telling us how worthy we are. And that is where
I really began to struggle, because I spent years believing
that if I was the perfect mom, the perfect wife,
the perfect friend, then I could rest, then I could
be proud but that's not rest. That's literally a prison,
(05:44):
and it's one I'm still walking myself out of every
single day. And of course I know it's not literally
a prison. Okay, it's figuratively a prison, but sometimes there's
more impact in seeing literally. Okay. But here's the thing.
Awareness is everything. So when you start to recognize the cycle,
then you can pause and ask yourself, oh, where did
this belief come from? And when you can do this,
(06:05):
we can go back and say, oh, maybe it's because
I was chasing metals. Maybe it's because I was chasing
straight a's. Maybe it was because I was chasing my
parents saying good job or giving me attention if I
was the best musician, the best athlete, the best scholar.
That was very much from my household. Love my parents dearly.
But yes, you know, we all fit in our own boxes,
and we all had to each so wear in our
(06:25):
own boxes. Again, this is going and reflecting and bringing
attention and awareness to things. Is not to blame. Okay.
We are all adults, and we are all responsible for
our own healing and our own journey. And guess what,
our parents and the people in our lives, this is
their first time doing life. So we're focusing on ourselves
(06:45):
and our own healing. We're not focusing on blame. I
just want to kind of add that in there. But
ask yourself where this came from, and that's where our
healing actually starts. That's where it begins. So once we
know the why, we're gonna build the how. Internal validation
is a rackteous. It's about learning to feel proud, learning
to feel loved enough from the inside out. And here's
(07:08):
how I started the first one. Honestly, this one is
probably the easiest thing you can do. I have it
on my finch app which the finn Aap. My friend
send it to me. It's so cute. You take care
of a little finch and by doing daily habits and
this one, I always have it on there. It's celebrate
your wins, especially the small ones. I have it in
my daily to do to find one thing that I
(07:32):
am proud of that I accomplished that day. Sometimes it's
that I did a meditation, that I took time for myself,
that I noticed a small thing that brought me joy.
Sometimes it's tied to productivity. There's no good or bad way.
The only way to know if it's good or bad
is how does it feel inside when you slow down
and get quiet. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it.
If it feels good, keep doing it. It doesn't matter
(07:54):
if it works for other people or not. If it
works for you, it works for you. Okay, So celebrate
your wines. Did you make a call, you were dreading,
did you show up tired but kind? All of these
things count. The next thing that we're going to do
is use affirmations, even if they feel weird, and they will.
If this is new to you, try things like I
am enough, I don't need to earn rest, I am
(08:18):
worthy of all the good in my life. I don't
need to chase goals. My life right here is beautiful
and I love being in the present moment. I'm a queen,
I'm a boss, I'm a cunt. Sorry, but try this
pro tip. Do it in the mirror and repeat it
out loud to yourself. Recently I started doing this with
(08:38):
my sports psych and I've always had affirmations. I know
positive self talk is important something I've worked on, but
he was like, no, we need to start getting this
a little bit deeper, because as I'm competing negative self
talk and For me, it's more of like pushing myself further,
and I've used negative talk from other people fuel. However,
(09:01):
I've noticed that it's no longer working. So we were like, Okay,
we need to deepen my positive self talk to use
it while I'm competing. YadA, YadA, YadA, you know the things.
When I first started doing this, it was like day
two or something, and I was in my bathroom and
I'm speaking kindly to myself and my daughter walked in,
and I got so embarrassed. I was like, oh no,
how dare she see me talking kind to myself in
my own bathroom? And I'm being physatious right now, but
(09:25):
like I'm being one hundred percent. I was so embarrassed,
and it really took me a second to pause and go,
hold on, while I try not to speak negatively about myself.
That's important to me. I've never thought about the fact
that seeing my kids speaking kindly to myself can be
such a beautiful moment, And that happened, like I don't know,
(09:45):
a couple months ago. Last night, as I was talking
my oldest into bed, she opened up to me about
her own self talk journey or whatever she'd been going
through and I gave her this tool as well, and
I think I'm gonna have her do it this afternoon,
like actually walk her through it. But you're never too
older young to talk kindly to yourself. And it shouldn't
be embarrassing to have somebody hear you speak kindly to
(10:05):
yourself too. It shouldn't be so wild how that is.
And for the sake of time, moment to move on,
because I really could yap on all of these things.
So the next thing, as we're building our innervalidation muscles,
is practicing mindfulness or meditation. And mindfulness and meditation, while
they're not exactly the same thing, they definitely work hand
in hand. For me meditation. There's multiple different ways to meditate,
(10:29):
but almost all of them require just full intention in
observing the present moment. It can be walking. You can
go on a walk, no music, just being in the moment.
Sometimes a walking meditation around your house can be really great.
Sitting down and meditating. There's guided meditations online that you
(10:50):
could use. Incredible stuff. And what I've learned through meditation,
it helps you hear yourself more without the noise of expectation.
It tells you what you need why you're seeking and
beyond that, the more you do it, the more you
start to really understand and see where you fit into
like the grim scheme of life, and you start to realize, wow,
(11:10):
not a whole lot of this truly matters. It doesn't
matter in the way that I thought it did. And
so I'm going to allow myself to just be to
slow down to enjoy life. And for me, that's where
a lot of my meditation really helps me be grounded
in that. And secondly, mindfulness for me is another practice
that is a more moment to moment check in with myself,
(11:31):
a slowing down and a catch of the breath of ah,
all right, I notice my breath and here I am.
I notice my breath and here I am, and I'm
really proud of myself in this moment. And then it
can go back to celebrating your winds, mindful of the moment,
celebrate my winds, use the affirmation. Okay. So honestly, my
(11:51):
one a is a meditation should be number one in
the practice because without it celebrating your winds and affirmations,
they're gonna happen and less frequently. So mindfulness just gives
you more opportunities to practice and show up for yourself.
And the last thing is you're going to talk to
yourself like a friend. Right. This kind of goes back
to affirmations, but you never say to your friend what
(12:12):
you say to yourself, So maybe stop and start speaking gently. Yeah,
it's been about a year of doing this daily, these
affirmations of self trust, keeping my word, meditating, And I
was reading an old journal recently where I wrote, I
just want to learn how to trust myself. That is
my only goal. And back then I didn't. I broke
promises to myself constantly. And if I couldn't trust myself,
(12:34):
how could I trust my affirmations, how could I know
that I was enough? But now they're doing this work
for about a year, I trust me. I can sit here,
I can speak into the mic, and I can say
I know I'm doing okay, even when it's messy, because
meditation has taught me something unexpected too, that I'm not
just one little human doing things. I'm a part of
(12:54):
something so much bigger. And my life is this tiny,
miraculous blip, permanent, and because of that, it is so precious.
So I stop needing to prove that I mattered, and
I just get to be and I know through meditation
and through connecting that it's enough, Know that it's enough,
and just to take the second to go back to
(13:16):
the mindfulness and the meditation. And where it relates to
self trust is I didn't realize how many choices I
had in life, Like right now, I have the choice
to pause this recording, go make myself a cup of
coffee and come back. I have the choice to stop
this recording, to get rid of it, and to go
do something else. I have infinite amount of choices in
each moment every day. But unless I'm living mindful, I
(13:39):
don't see that everything is just happening at me so quickly.
And because of that, I don't keep my word with
the habits that I want to build. I don't keep
my word with the goals that I have and the
daily practices that I'm wanting to implement, and so really
slowing down. Whenever I think of mindfulness, I really think
is slowing down. And that's scary, and that's hard. Because
(13:59):
of slow down. Who's to say we won't stop. But again,
that's where that self trust comes, and knowing that no
matter what, no matter how fast you go even though
maybe it's not the best for all of us. But
no matter how slow you go, everything's gonna be okay.
The next part for me that is really important as
it comes to no longer chasing external validation. And this one,
again is a practice and it takes time, is breaking
(14:21):
the people pleasing habit. If you have ever said yes
to just avoid disappointing someone, welcome to the club, baby.
People pleasing is a form of seeking validation and it
is a exhausting. But here's how we're gonna break it.
We're gonna start small. We're gonna say no to something
low stakes. We're gonna survive the awkward moment and we're
(14:43):
gonna repeat it. We're going to tolerate the discomfort. Okay,
boundaries feel scary, but freedom lives on the other side, okay,
And boundaries isn't controlling what other people are doing. Boundaries
is controlling yourself to navigate what other people are doing.
And as you're doing this that you don't have to
over explain yourself because no is a complete sentence. So
(15:04):
if your people pleaser like me, you know how real
this is. Every time I hold a boundary, I swear
I get an adrenaline rush. I feel like I just
did like a whole snowboard run. Because it's scary, it's brave.
But bravery isn't being fearless, it's being scared and doing
it anyway, right. And yeah, it may feel silly to
acknowledge the fact that simply talking to another human can
(15:28):
give you an adrenaline rush and feel scary, but you
know what, for some of us, that's the reality, and
I'm so proud of us doing it anyway. One thing
I learned recently, or I guess wasn't that recently, But
one thing I have learned through therapy, especially through AMDR,
is that I have choices. Right going back to that,
I used to think life was just happening at me,
But I know that I can choose how I show
(15:50):
up in moments. And the only way I know what
I need is if I slow down. And so, when
somebody is coming to you, and maybe your initial desires
to say yes, right because you don't want to upset,
you don't want to disappoint, it feels like it's what
you should do, slow down and ask yourself what do
I actually need right now? And then honor that answer,
even if somebody else doesn't like it. That's the work,
(16:13):
and that's where self trust comes. We don't need to
protect other people from their own choices. And sometimes I
feel like with my people pleasing behaviors, I'm trying to
make sure that they are okay without even asking if
I am. And so as I developed knowing and asking
myself what do I need? Not only am I able
to show up for people when it actually matters holy
(16:35):
in a lot of ways selfish leep, I'm also able
to trust myself in my judgments when I do decide
those things. And self trust isn't built on perfection, right,
You're gonna get it wrong and that's okay, you will
make it through. But it's built on consistency, and it's
built on compassion. And the secret ingredient to all of
this is giving yourself grace. So the next thing in
(17:00):
breaking free of this validation is to seek nourishing connections
like we all need connection, but not all validation is
created equally. The goal isn't to stop caring what anyone thinks.
It's to be selective about whose opinions matter. So before
you decide to take advice, ah, would you switch lives
with them, and the answer is no, Maybe it's not
(17:21):
the advice you should be taking. Number two, take inventory
of the people that are in your life, who is
uplifting you and who's draining you. Seek safe support. Make
sure that the people in your network are safe who
see you as a whole person and not your performance.
Maybe they're friends, therapists, mentors, family members. Maybe that support
(17:44):
is small. Regardless, asking for help is not weak. It's
actually one of the strongest things we can do. Asking
for help is scary, and it's brave to push through that.
And so the last thing when it comes to seeking
nourishing connections, limit toxic spaces that you are in, and
that includes online. If you leave a space feeling less than,
(18:07):
it is not a safe space for you to be.
Sometimes I look at my life and I go, damn,
I actually really love it here. But when I spend
too much time online, that joy slips. I start to compare,
I start to doubt. I wonder if I'm doing enough.
I've had to get real intentional about what I consume.
And when my husband jokes that I climb on a
high horse every time I talk about leaving social media.
(18:30):
But I'm telling you logging off significantly. I used to
have like fairly high screen time. I went from like
many hours, maybe like two hours to one hour as
my limit to now I do about ten to twenty minutes.
Just depends on what I'm doing online that day and
logging off to that level. And I need social media.
(18:51):
That's a part of my job, so I can't remove
it completely. But it's helped me find joy again. I
stop chasing my life through what I thought I should want,
and I started enjoying what I already actually have. And
that's me. Like that is success, Like I'm like, holy crap,
I am the most successful person I've ever met. Probably
(19:11):
not true, because I'm sure other people are doing this too,
But as I look at my life and I look around,
and I can be in that moment of like, yes,
I built this, we're vibe and we're chilling. Sure other
people have more. Sure other people have so much more
that I can't even comprehend. Sure some people have less.
It doesn't matter because this is what I have and
I'm good with it. I love my life and I
(19:32):
love saying where it's gonna go. And I just I
think we can all look around and do that for ourselves. Truly, truly,
the last step in setting yourself up to no longer
chase external validation is setting boundaries with those toxic influences.
That is how important that last pieces of removing toxic spaces,
(19:54):
because validation addiction thrives in toxic environments, So you're gonna
have to do a little cleans, a little detox to
protect your piece. And honestly, I would just start with
what's easy social media limits, curate your feed, take breaks,
unfollow people, mute people. You don't have to tell them.
(20:15):
You can just quietly exit because we don't want to
contribute to their own situation and their own pain and
their own judgment in comparison, so we can just quietly
remove ourselves. The next thing you can do is identify
unsafe people in your own circles, in your own life.
If someone manipulates or invalidates you, that's not love, that's control.
Create space from that, and then also ask better questions
(20:37):
instead of how do I make them happy? How do
I fix them? How do I make sure that they're
okay with me and they're okay? Try and said to
ask what do I need right now? I used to
think honestly that it was weak to need a break
from social media, like really, you can't handle people posting
like that's crazy, but honestly, no, I couldn't, and that's okay.
I started noticing that my joy disappeared when I scrolled
(20:58):
too much hold back. I got quiet, and I realized
that I love my life, not the filtered version, but
the real one. And I used to chase change just
to prove something, just to prove that, like I can
do it, and I can go after my goals, and
like I'm good enough and I'm successful enough and I'm
smart enough that I can do all of these things.
But now I only chase what feels aligned, and honestly,
(21:19):
I don't even know if I chase it. I just
do what feels aligned and be in those moments that
feel aligned and that shift. Yea, that is where you
start to feel that deep self respect of like, yeah,
I trust myself, I do what's best for me. And again,
I want to make sure that it's an understanding that
it's not selfish and you're not doing it to manipulate people,
(21:42):
and you still get to show up for people, like
just because you're curating a life in a community that
you know, what's the word I'm blinking on the word
facilitates a positive environment, supports a positive environment. Just because
you're curating that, it doesn't mean you can't show up
(22:02):
for people the same way. You can't be that positive
safe space for other people. I think we often get
that misaligned and confused of oh, I'm gonna go work
on myself and I'm gonna self trust and self respect
and YadA, YadA YadA. But a huge piece of this
is knowing how to interact with other people. We cannot
self isolate. That is not the goal here. The goal
(22:25):
is to be able to show up fully as ourself
for ourself, not seek external validation, but also still be
a leader and a community person and a friend and
a mother and a daughter and a wife. Still show
up for those people in the most loving way that
you can. Of course, if you have to pull back
because of toxic city, of course, but making sure that
(22:47):
you know, sometimes pulling away like the last step, in
my opinion, there's always something that can be done again,
very different with abuse. But yeah, that was a lot
that was heavy. But those are the five steps to
being able to self validate. Step one was understand why
you crave that validation. Step two is build those inner
(23:08):
validation muscles. Step three is breakout of that people pleasing habit.
Step four was seek nourishing connections, and step five was
set boundaries with toxic influences. So if you can do
all of this, you get to embrace your work without
the applause, and especially without needing the applause, because you
still might get one, but you won't need it. You
(23:30):
didn't start seeking validation out of nowhere because it came
from years of learning that your worth depended on performance.
But it doesn't and it never did, So give yourself credit.
You're unlearning a story that was never yours to carry.
And remember what the superior person seeks is in themselves.
That was Confucius. You don't need a louder applies. You
(23:54):
need your own approval. So next time you catch yourself
chasing praise, pause and ask what do I need right?
And can I give it to myself? And then actually
do it because you already are enough, even when no
one else collaps, even when no one else sees it,
even when the cameras are off, and if no one's
told you today, I love you and you're doing great,
(24:14):
not that you needed to hear it. I will see
you guys on the next episode. Thank you for being
here with me. Bye.
Host
Brenna Huckaby
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