June 11, 2025 • 24 mins
This episode is me trying to figure out what it really means to belong, especially in a world that rewards performance and perfection.
I talk about loneliness (the quiet kind that sneaks up on you even when you’re surrounded by people), the difference between being visible and being known, and why showing up for yourself, flaws and all, is the real act of connection.
There’s some philosophy (Simone Weil, Viktor Frankl, Kierkegaard, you know… casual), some internet culture unpacking, and a Tamagotchi that desperately needs discipline in the middle of it all.
If you’ve been feeling kind of off, kind of disconnected, or just want to feel a little less alone in the mess of figuring it all out: this one’s for you.
Thanks for being here.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Brenna Hakkabine, three
time Paralympic gold medalist and someone who is completely obsessed
with learning how to live a life worth writing for.
When I was fourteen, my whole life flipped upside down
after a cancer diagnosis. It wasn't just about the health stuff.
It completely changed how I saw life, how I moved
(00:23):
through it, and how I saw myself. I lost a leg,
but I also gained this totally new perspective on what matters,
and honestly, that journey is still unfolding for me. I
stopped podcasting for a while because I felt kind of
off and disconnected, like the version of me who you
so to host this show wasn't quite who I am anymore.
Maybe it's because I'm turning thirty soon, or maybe it's
(00:46):
just how life is, But it feels like I've gotten
way more questions these days than answers. So this season,
it's not about having.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
It all figured out. It's just about being in it. Curiosity,
the messiness, the learning, experimenting. It's all about being in
the middle. And I mean that's where all the real
stuff happens anyway. So let's kick things off with something
I've been thinking a lot about lately, and it is
this concept of belonging. I posted a YouTube video recently
(01:15):
where I was doing what i'd call a massive act
of self belonging. I shared about the different lenses I'm
using to view the world, what I'm learning through my sport,
some general life updates where I talk to you like
a friend hanging out in my living room, and something
I've been working through internally. In this video, I open
up about how I've been navigating this sense of disconnection
(01:38):
in this craving for community. And while I was reflecting
on what I shared, I had this realization, Oh, I
don't know if you can hear this beeping, but my
daughter has a tamagotchi that I'm babysitting and it needs
to be disciplined, which is just a wild concept. So
I have this realization that we actually have freedom to
(02:00):
choose how we move through our emotions. Right. It reminded
me of that quote by Victor Frankel. He said, between
stimulus and response, there's a space, and in that space
is our power to choose our response. And I just
I love this quote. I love remembering this quote because
every time I think of it, every time I hear it,
it just hits me hard. And that is what sparked
(02:21):
this episode. I wanted to understand what is loneliness really,
what does it mean to truly belong? And how does
social media specifically play into all of this? Because in
a time where we are more connected than ever, why
do so many of us still feel so deeply alone? So,
without further ado, what is loneliness? While let's start here,
(02:42):
because I think a lot of us feel it even
when we don't name it. Loneliness isn't just about being alone,
because you could be in a crowded room or online
with thousands of followers and still feel totally invisible. It's
really about not feeling seen or valued. Social neuros scientist
John Capoco describes loneliness as the perceived gap between the
(03:05):
connection you want to have and the connection you actually have,
Like your body is basically going, hey, I am hungry
for real connection, but no matter how much you try
to feed it, nothing's really landing. I don't know about you,
but that feeling. I have carried it with me for
most of my life. This constant, lingering sense of being
(03:25):
misunderstood has followed me like a freaking shadow, and honestly,
it didn't even realize it that that was the root
of my disconnection until maybe a year ago. But here's
the thing, I don't think we have to be stuck
in that spiral of misunderstanding. When we remember that people
can only meet us as deeply as they've met themselves.
(03:47):
Suddenly it makes sense why miscommunication happens so often. It's
not always personal, and the more I've worked on belonging
to myself first, the less those moments of being understood
cut so deep. This brings me to a big shift
in how I view loneliness. Something I owe to the
philosopher Friedrich Nische, and he sole loneliness not as a problem,
(04:09):
but as a necessary as a place where transformation begins,
because solitude, to him, is where we finally get to
meet ourselves. He wrote, the eternal reoccurrence of loneliness is
the price we pay for authenticity. It's pretty heavy, right,
but it's also empowering because the more time I've spent
sitting with myself intimately, by journaling, reflecting, asking myself hard questions,
(04:34):
meditating all the things, the more I've come to know
who I really am, not just how I want to
be seen, but who is really underneath all the noise.
There have been so many times when I felt that
panic of being misunderstood, and instead of spiraling like I
may have in the past, I stop and I ask myself, Okay,
why is this hitting me so hard? And in those moments,
(04:54):
they've led me to see parts of myself I didn't
no needed attention. They were maybe old wounds, limiting beliefs.
I had questioned stories I had been telling myself. And
if I hadn't felt that loneliness or disconnection, I probably
wouldn't have gotten there. I wouldn't have had the chance
to deepen myself understanding and build something that actually felt
(05:17):
like real belonging. Okay, so now we're gonna add social
media into the mix. This is a place where we
are more connected than ever, but somehow so many of
us feel so much more alone. Why is this? I
think it's because we are mistaking visibility for belonging. I've noticed,
and maybe you felt this too. We might get lots
of likes and follows and dms, but they're often shallow.
(05:40):
They feel like connection, but they're not really nourishing us. Also,
We're constantly comparing ourselves to the people that we see online.
Everyone's posting their winds and their highlights, and even if
they're just sharing parts of their life that are funny,
maybe there's just aspects of you know, whatever they're sharing
that is comparing us to them, maybe not in such
a black and white wins versus not feeling like you're enough. Honestly,
(06:04):
something I've noticed within myself is I will see other
people's content and they have so many comments, so many likes,
and I perceive that as connection, not realizing that not
everything is as it seems. That person may not be
perceiving that as connection and community. The people commenting might
not be. And so we're comparing from our own projection
(06:25):
and perspective without giving thought to what it actually could be.
So if we zoom in to ourselves, we're feeling maybe
not the most positive in this longing and desire, which
I don't think is a bad thing. It translates what
we want, but it can turn into a bad thing
for our mental health if we're not aware of it.
But when we zoom out and look at the bigger picture,
it might not be how we are internalizing. It. Also
(06:48):
maybe we start editing who we are to sit in
because the algorithm rewards sameness, So we're treating our authenticity
for this approval. And maybe the hardest part is sometimes
being This means being vulnerable to judgment, to trolling or
in my case, which I spoke constantly, especially if you're
in a community, a marginalized community like being disabled or neurodivergent,
(07:14):
or just some aspect of different. Then what is belonging?
What is real belonging? It's when you're accepted, valued, and
included as you are, not for what you do or
how you look, or how many followers you have, it's
just you, sidewise. This is a big deal. Self determination theory,
which is a framework in psychology that fuels our motivation
(07:36):
and well being, says we all need three core things autonomy, competence,
and belonging. It's based on the idea that we're naturally
wired to grow, learn, and connect and when those three
things are met, we thrive. When we feel like we belong,
our nervous system can finally relax, we can stop gracing,
we can stop performing, and we just get to breathe
(07:59):
and be. And then we have Brene Brown, who's basically
our own modern conversation on this, she says, belonging doesn't
require us to change who we are, it requires us
to be who we are. It's so simple and so powerful.
But here's where I gently challenge it too. I actually
think belonging does require some change, but not the kind
(08:20):
we usually think of. It's not about changing to fit in,
but it's changing through deep self discovery. Because how can
we be who we are if we've never taken the
time to figure out who that actually is. That takes work,
that takes patience, It takes slowing down, tuning in, peeling
back the layers. And that's what the rest of this
episode is about. Okay, So I've read many, many, many
(08:44):
self help books I've read I think all of Brene
Brown's books, and I still struggle with how do we
actually belong to ourselves? First, we know self reflection matters, journaling, therapy, meditation,
going on long walks where your brain gets to just relax.
But then what let bring it? Essentialism? Please don't judge me.
(09:07):
That is a mouthful. In his essay The Sickness on
to Death, he says despair comes from being disconnected from
your true self. So Yeah, we know there's a cost
to not knowing who we are, But how do we
become that person? Kik a guard believed the self isn't
something you just find, it's something you become, and that
(09:28):
becoming takes courage, especially in a world that's constantly nudging
you to be more palatable, quieter, more polished, smaller, more beautiful,
more consuming of things that will make your life quote
unquote better and ultimately be more like everyone else. So
when I say belonging starts with you, I mean it
(09:49):
in the most existential way Kika Guardian way possible. We
can't belong anywhere until we're willing to stand with ourselves,
even in the awkward, uncertain, in progress phases o art becoming.
It's one thing to understand your values, but it's another
thing to live them, and that's where real vulnerability begins,
(10:11):
because embodying who you truly are means you might be misunderstood, misinterpreted, disliked,
and that sucks. But it's also where freedom is born.
It takes compassion, Compassion for yourself because you're allowed to
be messy and in progress, and in compassion for others
because we can only assume and hope that they're doing
(10:32):
their own becoming too. And this doesn't have to be
some huge, sweeping act. It can be tiny moments. Maybe
you wear something you love, even if it's not quote
unquote fain Listen, I am somebody who loves a good thrift.
The majority of my clothes that I wear day to
day are thrifted. I mean, I don't thrift my athletic
(10:53):
wear and I don't thrift things that I like to
learn two events. Though sometimes I will throw in a
thrifted little piece that I found, but I do it
because it's something that I love to do, even though
it's not always the cutest and trendiest situation. I also,
and maybe this is something you could do as well,
post something honest, even if it flops. The last ten
(11:14):
weeks I have been so intentional with posting what brings
my soul alive, sharing parts of myself that maybe isn't
the most trendy, maybe isn't the most what do they
call your hooks. I don't have the best hook or
engagement b or whatever, but it's me and it's honest,
and it is a radical act of self belonging. And
(11:37):
also maybe your radical act in the tiny moments could
be saying no to something that just simply does not
align with you. These are all micro acts of self belonging.
And as we do this because remember we've already taken
time to reflect what our values, we've gotten quiet with ourselves.
But now when it comes to actually belonging to yourself,
(11:59):
it's due the actions. It's not performing, it's not curating.
You're not validating yourself through your actions. You're living your truth,
as they say, because action is what our lives are
made of. It's how we show the world who we
really are. But here's a subtle warning, especially for people
in public spaces, or if you want to be in
(12:21):
public spaces, or even if you just post on social
media casually, whatever it is, it's so easy to trade
meaning for metrics. There have been times in my life
I have one hundred percent done it. You've probably done it,
and maybe not on social media, but maybe with friend
groups or situations where maybe if I just tailor myself
a little bit, I'll be more likable because you knew
(12:43):
that that change would perform, would give you the validation
you're looking for, would make you feel accepted, even if
it didn't feel totally honest, and that's performance. So this
journey is a constant self reflection journey as well, checking
in with yourself. And here's the other gentle reminder. You're
allowed to change. You're allowed to have different views and
values and desires and aesthetics. You're allowed to change. But
(13:08):
when we share from our truth and even small quiet ways,
that's where depth comes from. That's that realness and that
richness of life. And even if no one else validates it,
you did by living it. So I don't know about you,
but honestly, I would rather have a portfolio of quote
unquote flops than a feed full of meaningless content because
(13:28):
when you close the app and log off, the only
person left in the room is you and how you
showed up, and that's your real legacy and that self
validation in the purest form. And speaking of online spaces,
we actually have a lot more control than we think.
We get to control what we see, what and how
we interact with what energy we let into our lives.
So not only if you post content or how you're
(13:52):
showing up in your real life, also start curating your
space not for approval, but for your own alignment. You
get to control how you consume content or people. Maybe
that means muting people that make you feel small on
following what doesn't inspire you or lift you up, set
time boundaries, gar you know I have, and prioritize real
(14:12):
life connections. You wouldn't let just anyone barge into your
home and criticize your vibe, So don't let them live
rent free in your feed. Pay attention to who you're
following and what you're consuming and how it makes you feel.
Curating your digital space isn't superficial, it's sacred, and it
is an act of self preservation. Let's take all of
(14:34):
this to the next level. A fringe philosopher and sociologist
wrote a book that inspired the Matrix, and in his book,
you argued that we live in a world of simulations,
symbols pretending to be real and listen, if you haven't
felt that in your real life, I know I have.
I feel like social media, though, is like the deepest,
deepest mirror of this, because it's full of it. We
(14:55):
have likes pretending to be loved, we have comments pretending
to be conversation, we have posts for need to be connection.
So how do we avoid getting lost in this, and
this is how we start to ground ourselves in what's real.
We start to use technology in a different way than
just consuming videos from people that entertain us or sometimes
(15:16):
they do make us feel seen and make us feel good,
but we must not let that feeling be misinterpreted as connection.
And this is where it does get sticky, because maybe
you are connected to like a group of people that
do feel that way. I don't know. I've been in
situations where I've gotten into a comment section from something
that made me feel seen, and it did develop this
(15:38):
sense of community, but at the end of the day,
it is superficial, it is fleeting. So I think that's
where this kind of comes into play. We want to
make sure that we're curating and grounding ourselves in what's
real and sustainable and long lasting. And so maybe that's
having a FaceTime call with somebody that we love, or
(15:58):
writing a handwritten note or a slow mourning with your
journaling or a good book instead of starting the day
with your feed. And we're gonna take this to Belle
Hook's my goodness, she ten out of ten and she
always brings it home. And what we're gonna do is
we're gonna look at her quote where she says belonging
isn't about being seen, it's about being known. And I
(16:22):
feel like the more not only we know ourselves, but
the more we can know others and take time for others,
that that's where we have life changing experiences. That's where
our worlds become less exclusive and more inclusive, and we
open up our hearts to deeper understanding and connection to others.
(16:42):
I found a philosopher who actually has so much in
common with this principle, and it blew my mind. Her
name is Simone Vale. She's a French mystic and philosopher
who wrote deeply about attention, and one of her most
famous quotes was attention is the rarest and purest form
of generosity. Okay, I have to go on a tangent
about this for a second, because Simone Ville has absolutely
(17:04):
blown my mind. When I started this podcast, I was
just trying to understand what it means to belong in
a world shaped by social media. But that curiosity had
pulled me down so many rabbit holes, mind you, but
my favorite one was her work. I don't know if
it's the fact that she actually lived out her philosophies,
which I feel like is pretty rare, or if it's
(17:24):
the fact that her ideas were just so deeply rooted
in empathy. She didn't just like sit there and theorize
and write about what she was thinking or finding, which
she's an incredibly educated woman, she went to one of
the top philosophy schools of the time, but she also
lived out her thoughts. She put herself on the front
(17:45):
lines quite literally. She volunteered in the Spanish Civil War,
like actually went to war for her beliefs. She worked
in factories so that she could better understand what was
happening during the Industrial Revolution to the human condition. She
went and actually did the work, and she came from
a place of privilege, like she didn't have to do
any of this. She chose to because she wanted to
(18:05):
understand suffering firsthand and also test her ideas out in
the real world in this idea of attention and intention,
And it just it hit me really hard, also because
I'm someone who tries to live in alignment with my beliefs,
even when they're messy and imperfect and contradictory. And I
think that's what I really liked about her work because
a lot of philosophers had dismissed her, and she did
(18:26):
have become widely known until after her death, partly because
her writing is full of contradictions. But what I really
loved about this is it it's probably the most real
and the most human that I have come across when
it comes to philosophers and the great thinkers of our past,
because it just feels so human, and I see myself
in that messiness, in the way that authenticity sometimes means
(18:49):
holding conflicting truths about who I am, who I was,
and who I'm becoming and having to constantly say, like,
oh wait, that actually doesn't make sense for me. So
I've been on this veil rabbit hole, and I've got
her books on my to be read, and I can
almost guarantee this will not be the last time that
I bring her up. But for today, let's stick with
(19:09):
this attention, And for her, attention meant really giving ourselves
to our life and to each other, because that's the
greatest gift that we can give to the world. And
we might find through being in the moment, being free
to experience what is happening to us, we might find
that that whole time we had belonged to ourselves and
(19:32):
each other all along, we just never slowed down enough
to feel it, speakin of connection. It also goes really
well with Simone. It's this idea that presence is love
and presence is such a gift. I've been practicing this
in my life, especially with my little ones, and it's
so easy. Listen. I love my girls so much, but
(19:53):
they know how to gap. I mean said, why if
this isn't the you know, girl, if the shoe fits.
I'm really talking into a microphone right now. I know
how to yeap. But attention is the rarest and purest
form of generosity Because when's the last time that you
sat and talked to someone without thinking about what you're
going to say next? Or when have you sat and
talked to someone without a desire to help? Which I
(20:16):
know helping is amazing, but sometimes people just want you
to listen and to be there and to honor and
hold their pain and to just be and to hear.
It's hard. I'm not saying it's not hard. But if
we can do this in our real lives, which I
think is probably the most fulfilling, how can we transform
this and how we consume social media and how we
(20:38):
can change this concept of community and connection in a
world of algorithms and external validation. And so I've been
trying to practice this since I've had this thought concept
come up, and I've stopped trying to judge what someone
is saying in three seconds. I'm missing out in what
content and I hate saying content, but it's like in
(21:01):
what stories and perspectives and life they have to offer,
because I truly believe each and every one of us
has stories worth hearing, has life experiences worth sharing, has
wisdom and growth worth getting to know. And so I've
been really trying to give someone more than the average
(21:22):
three seconds. I've been trying to pause and like really
truly pause and give it our full attention. And this
has changed everything because honestly, it's dropped my screen time significantly,
which I had already dropped pretty heavily a while ago
working on a social media addiction. But now it's even
less because I don't know, I just feel safe, fulfilled,
(21:46):
but like you know enough, It's like, man, yeah, that
was great. I can move on with my life. It's
not like this constant stream of consuming because when you
pause and it allows you to be more intentional. It
breaks your brain away from that gambling, addictive feeling social
media was curated to give, and it forces you to
(22:07):
pause to listen to how the content you're consuming is
making you feel. And I've noticed as I've done that
I don't need more. I'm like, oh, we're good. Like
I think I got what I was looking for when
I came online. I'm gonna move on. And I would say,
when I don't practice this, it's so much easier for
me to be sucked in. So imagine if we gave
(22:27):
our full attention to social media and and that intentionally.
Imagine if we treat comment sections and dms like alters
and of that deserve time and love and compassion instead
of battle grounds. And that's generosity in action, And isn't
that all what we're searching for. I think it's important
(22:48):
to remember that not everyone on social media is posting
for connection. There are people posting to create battle grounds,
to create pain, And that's why we have to the muse,
none follow but and not interested. And if it made
us feel really heated and uncomfortable, we pause and we
(23:08):
turn it off and we write about it. I'm saying
this for myself too, don't you worry. So all in all,
I hope this gave some clarity if you're anything like me, though,
I feel like this gave me more questions, but at
least a roadmap to begin to answer them. Because now
I'm curious, like this concept of belonging, and not just
through the lens of social media, how does it appear
(23:29):
in places like with accessibility, in these like subtle like shifts,
these subtle depictions of belonging. Where is this showing up?
Where is it showing up online their brands, their businesses.
I have so many questions, and I think that's the
beauty of life, and I'm so excited to dive in
and answer those. But that's a conversation for a different day.
(23:51):
So in closing, maybe the real question for us if
you post isn't how do I get more likes? But
maybe it's more how can they be more or me?
How can I belong to myself more deeply? How can
I have moments of radical self belonging so that everything
else in life flows from there? Thank you so much
for being in this conversation with me. This podcast is
(24:13):
a part of my journey to answer those questions out loud.
And to live them and if anything resonates, I'd love
to hear from you. Shoot me a DM intentionally minute
share this episode, or better yet, just take five minutes
to quietly reflect. I'm really glad you're here, and until
next time, let's keep showing up and living this messy
(24:33):
middle of life together with love better Bie
Hello, Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Brenna Hakkabine, three
time Paralympic gold medalist and someone who is completely obsessed
with learning how to live a life worth writing for.
When I was fourteen, my whole life flipped upside down
after a cancer diagnosis. It wasn't just about the health stuff.
It completely changed how I saw life, how I moved
(00:23):
through it, and how I saw myself. I lost a leg,
but I also gained this totally new perspective on what matters,
and honestly, that journey is still unfolding for me. I
stopped podcasting for a while because I felt kind of
off and disconnected, like the version of me who you
so to host this show wasn't quite who I am anymore.
Maybe it's because I'm turning thirty soon, or maybe it's
(00:46):
just how life is, But it feels like I've gotten
way more questions these days than answers. So this season,
it's not about having.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
It all figured out. It's just about being in it. Curiosity,
the messiness, the learning, experimenting. It's all about being in
the middle. And I mean that's where all the real
stuff happens anyway. So let's kick things off with something
I've been thinking a lot about lately, and it is
this concept of belonging. I posted a YouTube video recently
(01:15):
where I was doing what i'd call a massive act
of self belonging. I shared about the different lenses I'm
using to view the world, what I'm learning through my sport,
some general life updates where I talk to you like
a friend hanging out in my living room, and something
I've been working through internally. In this video, I open
up about how I've been navigating this sense of disconnection
(01:38):
in this craving for community. And while I was reflecting
on what I shared, I had this realization, Oh, I
don't know if you can hear this beeping, but my
daughter has a tamagotchi that I'm babysitting and it needs
to be disciplined, which is just a wild concept. So
I have this realization that we actually have freedom to
(02:00):
choose how we move through our emotions. Right. It reminded
me of that quote by Victor Frankel. He said, between
stimulus and response, there's a space, and in that space
is our power to choose our response. And I just
I love this quote. I love remembering this quote because
every time I think of it, every time I hear it,
it just hits me hard. And that is what sparked
(02:21):
this episode. I wanted to understand what is loneliness really,
what does it mean to truly belong? And how does
social media specifically play into all of this? Because in
a time where we are more connected than ever, why
do so many of us still feel so deeply alone? So,
without further ado, what is loneliness? While let's start here,
(02:42):
because I think a lot of us feel it even
when we don't name it. Loneliness isn't just about being alone,
because you could be in a crowded room or online
with thousands of followers and still feel totally invisible. It's
really about not feeling seen or valued. Social neuros scientist
John Capoco describes loneliness as the perceived gap between the
(03:05):
connection you want to have and the connection you actually have,
Like your body is basically going, hey, I am hungry
for real connection, but no matter how much you try
to feed it, nothing's really landing. I don't know about you,
but that feeling. I have carried it with me for
most of my life. This constant, lingering sense of being
(03:25):
misunderstood has followed me like a freaking shadow, and honestly,
it didn't even realize it that that was the root
of my disconnection until maybe a year ago. But here's
the thing, I don't think we have to be stuck
in that spiral of misunderstanding. When we remember that people
can only meet us as deeply as they've met themselves.
(03:47):
Suddenly it makes sense why miscommunication happens so often. It's
not always personal, and the more I've worked on belonging
to myself first, the less those moments of being understood
cut so deep. This brings me to a big shift
in how I view loneliness. Something I owe to the
philosopher Friedrich Nische, and he sole loneliness not as a problem,
(04:09):
but as a necessary as a place where transformation begins,
because solitude, to him, is where we finally get to
meet ourselves. He wrote, the eternal reoccurrence of loneliness is
the price we pay for authenticity. It's pretty heavy, right,
but it's also empowering because the more time I've spent
sitting with myself intimately, by journaling, reflecting, asking myself hard questions,
(04:34):
meditating all the things, the more I've come to know
who I really am, not just how I want to
be seen, but who is really underneath all the noise.
There have been so many times when I felt that
panic of being misunderstood, and instead of spiraling like I
may have in the past, I stop and I ask myself, Okay,
why is this hitting me so hard? And in those moments,
(04:54):
they've led me to see parts of myself I didn't
no needed attention. They were maybe old wounds, limiting beliefs.
I had questioned stories I had been telling myself. And
if I hadn't felt that loneliness or disconnection, I probably
wouldn't have gotten there. I wouldn't have had the chance
to deepen myself understanding and build something that actually felt
(05:17):
like real belonging. Okay, so now we're gonna add social
media into the mix. This is a place where we
are more connected than ever, but somehow so many of
us feel so much more alone. Why is this? I
think it's because we are mistaking visibility for belonging. I've noticed,
and maybe you felt this too. We might get lots
of likes and follows and dms, but they're often shallow.
(05:40):
They feel like connection, but they're not really nourishing us. Also,
We're constantly comparing ourselves to the people that we see online.
Everyone's posting their winds and their highlights, and even if
they're just sharing parts of their life that are funny,
maybe there's just aspects of you know, whatever they're sharing
that is comparing us to them, maybe not in such
a black and white wins versus not feeling like you're enough. Honestly,
(06:04):
something I've noticed within myself is I will see other
people's content and they have so many comments, so many likes,
and I perceive that as connection, not realizing that not
everything is as it seems. That person may not be
perceiving that as connection and community. The people commenting might
not be. And so we're comparing from our own projection
(06:25):
and perspective without giving thought to what it actually could be.
So if we zoom in to ourselves, we're feeling maybe
not the most positive in this longing and desire, which
I don't think is a bad thing. It translates what
we want, but it can turn into a bad thing
for our mental health if we're not aware of it.
But when we zoom out and look at the bigger picture,
it might not be how we are internalizing. It. Also
(06:48):
maybe we start editing who we are to sit in
because the algorithm rewards sameness, So we're treating our authenticity
for this approval. And maybe the hardest part is sometimes
being This means being vulnerable to judgment, to trolling or
in my case, which I spoke constantly, especially if you're
in a community, a marginalized community like being disabled or neurodivergent,
(07:14):
or just some aspect of different. Then what is belonging?
What is real belonging? It's when you're accepted, valued, and
included as you are, not for what you do or
how you look, or how many followers you have, it's
just you, sidewise. This is a big deal. Self determination theory,
which is a framework in psychology that fuels our motivation
(07:36):
and well being, says we all need three core things autonomy, competence,
and belonging. It's based on the idea that we're naturally
wired to grow, learn, and connect and when those three
things are met, we thrive. When we feel like we belong,
our nervous system can finally relax, we can stop gracing,
we can stop performing, and we just get to breathe
(07:59):
and be. And then we have Brene Brown, who's basically
our own modern conversation on this, she says, belonging doesn't
require us to change who we are, it requires us
to be who we are. It's so simple and so powerful.
But here's where I gently challenge it too. I actually
think belonging does require some change, but not the kind
(08:20):
we usually think of. It's not about changing to fit in,
but it's changing through deep self discovery. Because how can
we be who we are if we've never taken the
time to figure out who that actually is. That takes work,
that takes patience, It takes slowing down, tuning in, peeling
back the layers. And that's what the rest of this
episode is about. Okay, So I've read many, many, many
(08:44):
self help books I've read I think all of Brene
Brown's books, and I still struggle with how do we
actually belong to ourselves? First, we know self reflection matters, journaling, therapy, meditation,
going on long walks where your brain gets to just relax.
But then what let bring it? Essentialism? Please don't judge me.
(09:07):
That is a mouthful. In his essay The Sickness on
to Death, he says despair comes from being disconnected from
your true self. So Yeah, we know there's a cost
to not knowing who we are, But how do we
become that person? Kik a guard believed the self isn't
something you just find, it's something you become, and that
(09:28):
becoming takes courage, especially in a world that's constantly nudging
you to be more palatable, quieter, more polished, smaller, more beautiful,
more consuming of things that will make your life quote
unquote better and ultimately be more like everyone else. So
when I say belonging starts with you, I mean it
(09:49):
in the most existential way Kika Guardian way possible. We
can't belong anywhere until we're willing to stand with ourselves,
even in the awkward, uncertain, in progress phases o art becoming.
It's one thing to understand your values, but it's another
thing to live them, and that's where real vulnerability begins,
(10:11):
because embodying who you truly are means you might be misunderstood, misinterpreted, disliked,
and that sucks. But it's also where freedom is born.
It takes compassion, Compassion for yourself because you're allowed to
be messy and in progress, and in compassion for others
because we can only assume and hope that they're doing
(10:32):
their own becoming too. And this doesn't have to be
some huge, sweeping act. It can be tiny moments. Maybe
you wear something you love, even if it's not quote
unquote fain Listen, I am somebody who loves a good thrift.
The majority of my clothes that I wear day to
day are thrifted. I mean, I don't thrift my athletic
(10:53):
wear and I don't thrift things that I like to
learn two events. Though sometimes I will throw in a
thrifted little piece that I found, but I do it
because it's something that I love to do, even though
it's not always the cutest and trendiest situation. I also,
and maybe this is something you could do as well,
post something honest, even if it flops. The last ten
(11:14):
weeks I have been so intentional with posting what brings
my soul alive, sharing parts of myself that maybe isn't
the most trendy, maybe isn't the most what do they
call your hooks. I don't have the best hook or
engagement b or whatever, but it's me and it's honest,
and it is a radical act of self belonging. And
(11:37):
also maybe your radical act in the tiny moments could
be saying no to something that just simply does not
align with you. These are all micro acts of self belonging.
And as we do this because remember we've already taken
time to reflect what our values, we've gotten quiet with ourselves.
But now when it comes to actually belonging to yourself,
(11:59):
it's due the actions. It's not performing, it's not curating.
You're not validating yourself through your actions. You're living your truth,
as they say, because action is what our lives are
made of. It's how we show the world who we
really are. But here's a subtle warning, especially for people
in public spaces, or if you want to be in
(12:21):
public spaces, or even if you just post on social
media casually, whatever it is, it's so easy to trade
meaning for metrics. There have been times in my life
I have one hundred percent done it. You've probably done it,
and maybe not on social media, but maybe with friend
groups or situations where maybe if I just tailor myself
a little bit, I'll be more likable because you knew
(12:43):
that that change would perform, would give you the validation
you're looking for, would make you feel accepted, even if
it didn't feel totally honest, and that's performance. So this
journey is a constant self reflection journey as well, checking
in with yourself. And here's the other gentle reminder. You're
allowed to change. You're allowed to have different views and
values and desires and aesthetics. You're allowed to change. But
(13:08):
when we share from our truth and even small quiet ways,
that's where depth comes from. That's that realness and that
richness of life. And even if no one else validates it,
you did by living it. So I don't know about you,
but honestly, I would rather have a portfolio of quote
unquote flops than a feed full of meaningless content because
(13:28):
when you close the app and log off, the only
person left in the room is you and how you
showed up, and that's your real legacy and that self
validation in the purest form. And speaking of online spaces,
we actually have a lot more control than we think.
We get to control what we see, what and how
we interact with what energy we let into our lives.
So not only if you post content or how you're
(13:52):
showing up in your real life, also start curating your
space not for approval, but for your own alignment. You
get to control how you consume content or people. Maybe
that means muting people that make you feel small on
following what doesn't inspire you or lift you up, set
time boundaries, gar you know I have, and prioritize real
(14:12):
life connections. You wouldn't let just anyone barge into your
home and criticize your vibe, So don't let them live
rent free in your feed. Pay attention to who you're
following and what you're consuming and how it makes you feel.
Curating your digital space isn't superficial, it's sacred, and it
is an act of self preservation. Let's take all of
(14:34):
this to the next level. A fringe philosopher and sociologist
wrote a book that inspired the Matrix, and in his book,
you argued that we live in a world of simulations,
symbols pretending to be real and listen, if you haven't
felt that in your real life, I know I have.
I feel like social media, though, is like the deepest,
deepest mirror of this, because it's full of it. We
(14:55):
have likes pretending to be loved, we have comments pretending
to be conversation, we have posts for need to be connection.
So how do we avoid getting lost in this, and
this is how we start to ground ourselves in what's real.
We start to use technology in a different way than
just consuming videos from people that entertain us or sometimes
(15:16):
they do make us feel seen and make us feel good,
but we must not let that feeling be misinterpreted as connection.
And this is where it does get sticky, because maybe
you are connected to like a group of people that
do feel that way. I don't know. I've been in
situations where I've gotten into a comment section from something
that made me feel seen, and it did develop this
(15:38):
sense of community, but at the end of the day,
it is superficial, it is fleeting. So I think that's
where this kind of comes into play. We want to
make sure that we're curating and grounding ourselves in what's
real and sustainable and long lasting. And so maybe that's
having a FaceTime call with somebody that we love, or
(15:58):
writing a handwritten note or a slow mourning with your
journaling or a good book instead of starting the day
with your feed. And we're gonna take this to Belle
Hook's my goodness, she ten out of ten and she
always brings it home. And what we're gonna do is
we're gonna look at her quote where she says belonging
isn't about being seen, it's about being known. And I
(16:22):
feel like the more not only we know ourselves, but
the more we can know others and take time for others,
that that's where we have life changing experiences. That's where
our worlds become less exclusive and more inclusive, and we
open up our hearts to deeper understanding and connection to others.
(16:42):
I found a philosopher who actually has so much in
common with this principle, and it blew my mind. Her
name is Simone Vale. She's a French mystic and philosopher
who wrote deeply about attention, and one of her most
famous quotes was attention is the rarest and purest form
of generosity. Okay, I have to go on a tangent
about this for a second, because Simone Ville has absolutely
(17:04):
blown my mind. When I started this podcast, I was
just trying to understand what it means to belong in
a world shaped by social media. But that curiosity had
pulled me down so many rabbit holes, mind you, but
my favorite one was her work. I don't know if
it's the fact that she actually lived out her philosophies,
which I feel like is pretty rare, or if it's
(17:24):
the fact that her ideas were just so deeply rooted
in empathy. She didn't just like sit there and theorize
and write about what she was thinking or finding, which
she's an incredibly educated woman, she went to one of
the top philosophy schools of the time, but she also
lived out her thoughts. She put herself on the front
(17:45):
lines quite literally. She volunteered in the Spanish Civil War,
like actually went to war for her beliefs. She worked
in factories so that she could better understand what was
happening during the Industrial Revolution to the human condition. She
went and actually did the work, and she came from
a place of privilege, like she didn't have to do
any of this. She chose to because she wanted to
(18:05):
understand suffering firsthand and also test her ideas out in
the real world in this idea of attention and intention,
And it just it hit me really hard, also because
I'm someone who tries to live in alignment with my beliefs,
even when they're messy and imperfect and contradictory. And I
think that's what I really liked about her work because
a lot of philosophers had dismissed her, and she did
(18:26):
have become widely known until after her death, partly because
her writing is full of contradictions. But what I really
loved about this is it it's probably the most real
and the most human that I have come across when
it comes to philosophers and the great thinkers of our past,
because it just feels so human, and I see myself
in that messiness, in the way that authenticity sometimes means
(18:49):
holding conflicting truths about who I am, who I was,
and who I'm becoming and having to constantly say, like,
oh wait, that actually doesn't make sense for me. So
I've been on this veil rabbit hole, and I've got
her books on my to be read, and I can
almost guarantee this will not be the last time that
I bring her up. But for today, let's stick with
(19:09):
this attention, And for her, attention meant really giving ourselves
to our life and to each other, because that's the
greatest gift that we can give to the world. And
we might find through being in the moment, being free
to experience what is happening to us, we might find
that that whole time we had belonged to ourselves and
(19:32):
each other all along, we just never slowed down enough
to feel it, speakin of connection. It also goes really
well with Simone. It's this idea that presence is love
and presence is such a gift. I've been practicing this
in my life, especially with my little ones, and it's
so easy. Listen. I love my girls so much, but
(19:53):
they know how to gap. I mean said, why if
this isn't the you know, girl, if the shoe fits.
I'm really talking into a microphone right now. I know
how to yeap. But attention is the rarest and purest
form of generosity Because when's the last time that you
sat and talked to someone without thinking about what you're
going to say next? Or when have you sat and
talked to someone without a desire to help? Which I
(20:16):
know helping is amazing, but sometimes people just want you
to listen and to be there and to honor and
hold their pain and to just be and to hear.
It's hard. I'm not saying it's not hard. But if
we can do this in our real lives, which I
think is probably the most fulfilling, how can we transform
this and how we consume social media and how we
(20:38):
can change this concept of community and connection in a
world of algorithms and external validation. And so I've been
trying to practice this since I've had this thought concept
come up, and I've stopped trying to judge what someone
is saying in three seconds. I'm missing out in what
content and I hate saying content, but it's like in
(21:01):
what stories and perspectives and life they have to offer,
because I truly believe each and every one of us
has stories worth hearing, has life experiences worth sharing, has
wisdom and growth worth getting to know. And so I've
been really trying to give someone more than the average
(21:22):
three seconds. I've been trying to pause and like really
truly pause and give it our full attention. And this
has changed everything because honestly, it's dropped my screen time significantly,
which I had already dropped pretty heavily a while ago
working on a social media addiction. But now it's even
less because I don't know, I just feel safe, fulfilled,
(21:46):
but like you know enough, It's like, man, yeah, that
was great. I can move on with my life. It's
not like this constant stream of consuming because when you
pause and it allows you to be more intentional. It
breaks your brain away from that gambling, addictive feeling social
media was curated to give, and it forces you to
(22:07):
pause to listen to how the content you're consuming is
making you feel. And I've noticed as I've done that
I don't need more. I'm like, oh, we're good. Like
I think I got what I was looking for when
I came online. I'm gonna move on. And I would say,
when I don't practice this, it's so much easier for
me to be sucked in. So imagine if we gave
(22:27):
our full attention to social media and and that intentionally.
Imagine if we treat comment sections and dms like alters
and of that deserve time and love and compassion instead
of battle grounds. And that's generosity in action, And isn't
that all what we're searching for. I think it's important
(22:48):
to remember that not everyone on social media is posting
for connection. There are people posting to create battle grounds,
to create pain, And that's why we have to the muse,
none follow but and not interested. And if it made
us feel really heated and uncomfortable, we pause and we
(23:08):
turn it off and we write about it. I'm saying
this for myself too, don't you worry. So all in all,
I hope this gave some clarity if you're anything like me, though,
I feel like this gave me more questions, but at
least a roadmap to begin to answer them. Because now
I'm curious, like this concept of belonging, and not just
through the lens of social media, how does it appear
(23:29):
in places like with accessibility, in these like subtle like shifts,
these subtle depictions of belonging. Where is this showing up?
Where is it showing up online their brands, their businesses.
I have so many questions, and I think that's the
beauty of life, and I'm so excited to dive in
and answer those. But that's a conversation for a different day.
(23:51):
So in closing, maybe the real question for us if
you post isn't how do I get more likes? But
maybe it's more how can they be more or me?
How can I belong to myself more deeply? How can
I have moments of radical self belonging so that everything
else in life flows from there? Thank you so much
for being in this conversation with me. This podcast is
(24:13):
a part of my journey to answer those questions out loud.
And to live them and if anything resonates, I'd love
to hear from you. Shoot me a DM intentionally minute
share this episode, or better yet, just take five minutes
to quietly reflect. I'm really glad you're here, and until
next time, let's keep showing up and living this messy
(24:33):
middle of life together with love better Bie
Host
Brenna Huckaby
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