June 20, 2022 • 47 mins
Episode 141: If she doesn't want to marry you because her engagement ring isn't big enough, then she isn't the girl that you need in your life. Reconsider spending the rest of your life with this woman. The right girl would be thrilled to get married whether it's a diamond ring or a plastic ring. Join me as we chat about this topic and more on this week's podcast!
New podcast every Monday morning!
Ask me questions!
#GrangerSmithPodcast or email me at grangersmithpodcast@gmail.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Frank Man, there is. There is just red flags all
over your email, brother, and I want to help you.
Any girl that says that she can't marry you or
accept a proposal because it's not the exact ring that
she wanted, is not the exact girl that you need.
(00:33):
What's up, everybody, Welcome back in Thanks for listening to
the podcast. I've been running like crazy. This is typical
this time of year, doing a lot of fairs and
festivals and concerts around the country that are not just
on the weekends. But we've been playing a lot of
Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays, and so finding time to
(00:55):
do the podcast has been interesting. But I still absolutely
love coming in here and answering y'all's questions. It's one
of my favorite things to do of all the things
that I do. If you want your question answered, email
Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. We'll put it in
the queue. You could ask about any topic and we'll
talk about it in long form like we're just sitting
(01:16):
around a campfire. I have a few requests. Don't send
the same quest question twice it'll get deleted, And don't
make it too much longer than a phone Lenk otherwise
it makes it more difficult to read. But other than that,
it's open game. You could ask me about anything, and
we have heard over the last one hundred episodes or
(01:37):
so that that subjects are very, very different, and I
love them. So I'm going to dive in here before
I say anything else, because that's not what this podcast
is about. It's about you. First question, subject line says healing.
It says, Hey Granger, my name is Connor. Today, exactly
one year ago, my wife left me. No explanation or reason,
(01:58):
she just left. We were high school sweethearts and together
since sixteen years old. I'm twenty six now. It's been
the worst year of my life. I've struggled mentally and physically.
Within one month, I lost thirty pounds. I didn't want
to live anymore, tried hurting myself, tried to give up,
but God kept me here. I know God's timing is
perfect and to stay patient, but every day, especially today,
(02:19):
is so hard. I'm trying so hard to heal. I've
moved from West Virginia to Florida to start my life
over again. I'm making new friends, plugging myself into a
church as much as I can working so hard on
my relationship with christ but it feels as though I'm
just going in circles. I want to move on, but
I'm afraid that I won't be able to love someone
the same or more than I ever loved her. Any
(02:41):
advice would be appreciated. Love what you do. This question
comes from Connor Connor Man, thank you for emailing. I'm
so sorry that this is the day. This is the
anniversary of the toughest day of your life. And it's
not a surprise that you know. As humans, we look
(03:01):
at the calendar and we start relating things to good
and bad events in our life, and you could, for instance,
you could be as I'm reading this, it's the month
of June, and you could look at the month of
June and say, you know, the weather's getting hot, the
trees look a certain way, there's certain things going on
in work. I'm wearing the similar clothes that I was wearing,
(03:26):
all relating back to the day that she left, And
so it's easy to see that you could make those correlations.
As opposed to colder weather and it's snowing outside, there's
not as much of a of a correlation there. So
I say that in a way to validate that. Of
(03:47):
course this hurts. No one's gonna blame you. Of course
you're having these feelings on this day. Of course you're
still struggling. This is someone you you made a vow
to spend the rest of your life with, and you
knew her for ten years and that is over. You
(04:07):
are grieving that loss. This heartbreak is equal to grief
for you. It's just as though she died, and no
one is going to deny that, and no one is
ever going to take that away from you. So your
pain and your hurt and your heartbreak is valid. But
what I want to dive into, just from reading your
question one time, I want to dive into something here
(04:31):
that's interesting, And anyone listening could take this with a
grain assault for their own situation that they're in. But
there's one sentence you said that's interesting. It says, I'm
working so hard on my relationship with christ but it
feels as though I'm going in circles. I want to
move on, but I'm afraid. Let's just take that little
(04:54):
piece right there. This is this is normal for you
to say. I'm not surprised that you said it, but
I want to point out that this is not Christianity.
This is not what the Bible says. Interesting, right, you're like,
what what do you mean, That's not what the Bible says.
(05:15):
I'm working so hard on my relationship with Christ it
feels like I'm going to circles on them. That's not
what it says to us. There is nothing in your
relationship with Christ, with God is It's never about working works,
acts effort at all. Your effort is irrelevant. Right, We're
(05:42):
talking about your salvation. We're talking about your peace and
joy and hope. We're not talking about the result of
your relationship. So as the relationship is established, the result
of that is going to convict you to walk into
the good works that have been prepared for you. But
(06:04):
it is not the requirement of the relationship. Jesus says,
no one comes to me unless the Father draws him,
meaning nothing you could do work related is going to
draw you to Jesus. That's God. The Father will do that.
(06:29):
It's an interesting concept. And the reason I say it
because you might be saying, well, what do I do?
So now I tell you so here it is, get
a pen and paper, write this down. There's one word
I have to tell you that that's going to relate
to you in your situation, in this terrible divorce, that's
terrible suffering, and in any kind of hardship or anxiety,
(06:54):
or tribulation or adversity of any kind, there's one word
for you. Surrender. Surrender it, give it to God. God.
This is what this is what a prayer would look like. God.
I am hurting. I am in so much pain. I've
(07:19):
tried this, and I've tried this, and I've tried to
get closer to you, and I've tried to establish my
relationship with you, and I've tried to go to church,
and I've tried to gain some of the weight back
that I lost, and I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm
trying to exercise it, and I'm trying to meet other people,
and I'm trying to meet other girls. And I'm trying.
I'm trying. I'm trying, and guess what, I can't do it.
I can't. My heart is still attached to her. I'm hurting.
(07:44):
There's nothing I can do anymore. So God, I can't
do it. Take this from me. I surrender all of
this to you. It's like it's like you're going down
a river Connor, and you're in a raft and you're
hitting rapids and you're just paddling, paddle and paddle and
paddle and paddle, and sometimes it works. Sometimes you get
(08:05):
around a boulder and then there's a tree that fell
down in the water and it's causing these rapids and
you come up to the tree and you're like, you'd
use all the strength you can with your oars, and
you barely make around it, get it. And then here
comes a curve and it's it's really sharp, and you
make it around this cliff and you're you're still paddling,
you're getting tired, and you're just fighting, fighting, fighting the current.
(08:27):
And then guess what, around the next curve, there's a
waterfall and nothing you can do could stop you from
getting to that waterfall and going off, and your boat
is done, your oars are gone. That's what's happened to you.
You've tried to control your boat. And let me tell you,
I'm telling you this from experience. I'm actually writing a
(08:49):
book about this. Right now. You're listening to a guy
that has tried so hard his whole life to guide
his boat with his oars and his own strength, including
my relationship with God, thinking that I could paddle. If
I paddle hard enough, I'll get close enough to God.
(09:09):
As though I'm trying to get to him, it's like
he's off in the distance and I've got my boat
and my paddles, and I'm like, if I could just
get closer to God, if I could just get through
these rapids and all these obstacles and around these corners
and these twists and turns, if I could just get
closer to Him, then I'll feel peace, and I'll feel
less anxiety, and I'll feel hope. And that's just not
(09:33):
I'm telling you from experience. That's not what the Bible says.
And it also doesn't work. One word surrender. I'm talking
on your knees, Connor, God. I can't. I can't do it.
I've tried. I can't move on. My heart is still attached.
Detach this heart or enlarge it to you. Make you
(09:54):
my desire, not her. I can't seem to get my
heart away from her. What do I do? God? Take it.
You built my heart, You created my heart. My heart
is in your hands, So twist it and turn it
back towards you. Make her memory seem like poison to
me because I can't take it anymore. That's the prayer,
(10:16):
over and over and over again, Connor, every night, on
your knees, sincere, and as he starts to do it,
as he starts to take your heart and remold it,
because guess what, guess what he wants this surrender. He
wants you at a place where you're so broken you
(10:38):
can't save yourself anymore. And then he comes in and goes, oh,
did you try to save yourself? Now you need a
savior because you couldn't. Now I got you. Now you're
in the place I could work with you. Now your
heart is in a position when I could use it
to worship me. And when you worship me, when you
(10:58):
praise me, when I saved you and you praise me,
You'll finally understand joy. You'll finally understand gratitude and love
and peace. I'm telling you, Connor, from experience, surrender. Stop trying,
Stop working, working on friends, working on church, working on
(11:20):
forgetting her, working work and working and on a side,
little side thing you're praying. Give it to him now.
The result of that, the result of that surrender, is
your works, not the beginning not the start of it,
the result, the end result of this surrender. You're gonna
notice yourself craving church, craving godly things, craving to want
(11:46):
to read the Bible, craving want to want to obey
the commandments of the Gospel. But you can't do those
things because you're a sinner, and so am I. And
that's the way we're wired. We're rebels. But once you surrender,
now you're ready to then live a life according to
the Gospel. Give it all to him. I'm so sorry
(12:09):
for your loss. I cannot personally relate to that loss,
but I know it hurts man, and I awesome know
after the surrender, on the other side of that surrender,
there's a new girl. There's a new life, there's hope,
and yes, to answer your last question, there is someone
(12:29):
that you will love more absolutely. Let's go something else here.
This is a subject line question finding the right person
to marry. Hey Granger, I've been listening to your podcast
for a while now, and the question I have that
I struggle with is this, How do I know this
is for sure the girl I want to spend the
rest of my life with. I'm twenty years old, I've
(12:49):
been dating this girl for coming close to a year now.
We have a lot of great times that we've had together,
but there are some small things that still make me
unsure if this is who I want to spend the
rest of my life with any advice. The question comes
from bo Bo. Thanks for the email, Buddy. Great question,
and it's a really good question to be thinking about
(13:10):
because this means this tells me that you're not so
involved with your heart and thinking with your heart. You're
actually using your brain. And it's a really good time
to be using your brain right before you're thinking about
making a really big decision about getting married. So, first
thing is you're twenty. I'm assuming she's around the same age.
(13:32):
That's young. Things are going to change by the time
she's thirty. If you're seeing things you don't like right now, hey,
there's a chance that those could get fixed. There's also
a chance equal amount of chance there that those things
that you don't like are going to be ten times
worse by the time she's thirty and you're thirty. The
(13:54):
fact that you're seeing red flags, it's not a deal
breaker that you're seeing red flags, but it's something to
think about and so you need an action for this.
And I would say me, I like to I'm a
visual guy. I like to write things out. So I
would say, BO, make a list of the top unnegotiable
things that you want from a wife, and then make
(14:18):
another list of the unnegotiable things that are deal breakers
for a future spouse. And these things are up to you.
And I can't put these words in your mouth. Only
you know you. But it's things like children, you want children?
How many do you want? And how important is that
(14:39):
on your priority list? That's a big deal. To talk
about your faith? Where are you and your faith? Is
that important to you? Should that be important to her?
It's a big, really big conversation piece your career. What
are you expecting her to be accepting of your ca
(15:00):
and what do you expect from her out of her
career or not a career? Do you expect her to
be a stay at home mom or a stay at
home nothing? Or do you expect her to bring home
half of the income? Do you expect her to bring
home all the income? I don't know, that's up to you.
But these are things to really think about before engagement.
(15:21):
And you got to think with your brain and not
your heart. The fact that your twenty means you have
a lot of time and it's not a big deal
if you want to separate from her for a little
bit and say, hey, I think we need a break.
Oh my gosh, what do you mean? Yeah, just I
need a break. I'm stepping into a time in my
life when I'm gonna have to make some really really
(15:41):
big decisions of spending the rest of my life with someone.
And I'm by no means saying this isn't you, but
I really want to kind of go over some things
in my life and make sure I'm ready for that person,
which is hopefully you. You know, you could do anything
you want, but I would write it out, and I
would I would ask some of your friends, like your friends,
(16:04):
the council around you is so valuable and we rarely
use it in a relationship. Since I would go to
your parents, I'd go to your friends and say, what
do you think about her? Be totally honest, shoot me straight,
what do you think about her? Do you think she's
she's my wife? My future wife? And let them tell
you and make them be honest. And then when they
(16:26):
start saying things like man, bo i didn't ever want
to tell you, man, but I don't know, Like there's
some red flag she has and she says some things
when you're not around, and I've seen her doing this
and that when you're out of town, and bo I
just don't I don't think so. Man, Then you got
to listen to them. You don't have to make a
(16:48):
decision because of them, but you have to weigh their
opinion deeply into your decision. And then maybe some of
them are gonna say, man, she's great. Dude, you're stupid
if you don't wrap this up right now. Put her
ring on the finger. You are stupid if you don't
do that. They might say that, but you need a consensus.
Wise counsel is so important. Let me know how it goes. Brother,
(17:10):
Thanks for the email. Next question, subject line says monster
in law. Hey Granger, I've been with my now fiance
for over seven years. We have three kids together. Let
me start over together. We have three kids, two of
them are my stepdaughters, and his mom is evil, but
only towards me. She's a phenomenal grandmother and mother to
(17:30):
my fiance, but she's rude to me blatantly makes me
feel bad for just existing and makes it known that
I come last to everyone. I've tried talking to her
about it and many other things, but finally I told
my fiance that I'm just gonna avoid her altogether. I
have told him that I don't expect him to cut
her out of his life, but I'm just going to
(17:51):
keep my interactions with her minimal. I've prayed about this
for years, and I'm just unsure of what to do
or how to handle the situation. Thank you, Caitlyn. Tough situation.
What makes this tough is that you have uh sounds
like you guys have a child together and two of
them two other children that are his, and you've been
(18:14):
together seven years. This makes it just complicated, complicated, And
this is if anyone's listening that's not in the situation.
This is why, this is why, this is why you
it's so hard to have baby Mama's out there and
baby daddy's. I have to say this, and Caitlin, this
(18:34):
is not this is not directed towards you, but I
have to say that. You know, when we read the
Bible and we see we see guidelines laid out for us,
it's not so that we don't have fun or we
have a miserable life, or we have to we have
to be this this religious robot that just follows this
this ridiculous structure. It's just not that it's for our
(18:55):
own good. It's for our own well being because we
were created by by a being that knows us better
than we know ourselves. And so these these guidelines are
laid out. If you want to have a life that
isn't that, that isn't suffering beyond what normal life would be,
follow with these guidelines. And when you get out of
(19:16):
the guidelines you get monster in laws and and but
this is your past, this now, Caitlin, you know. So
that's that's why this this is not on you. I
don't say that to you at all, and it's that
comes without any judgment. I have my own problems, for sure.
But but the reason I bring it up is because
you need to understand your story is very, very complicated,
(19:40):
and there's not an easy fix to this because there's
a lot of kids involved. Usually when you see a
monster in law, that's being a monster towards the new girl,
the daughter, not the she's the mother of the son,
I should say. Usually you see that because there is
this is crazy. I'm willing to bet Caitlin that this
(20:06):
monster in law has had man problems in her life.
I'm willing to bet she's gone through multiple divorces, or
she's been cheated on and or abused physically, verbally, something
in that world. I'm willing to bet that she has
been hurt by a man and she feels worth with
(20:31):
herself through her son now because she is now raising
a sun and she feels the love that she needs
from a man. She fills that with her the relationship
with her son. And you are coming in and she
has grown jealous of you because you're gonna steal her man,
(20:54):
the man that the only man, her son, that hasn't
let her down in her life. Could be wrong on this,
but I would bet money that I'm right. You are
coming in to steal the only man that hasn't left
her yet, or that hasn't abused her or or treated
her with less dignity in some way. It's wild, this
(21:18):
wild psychiatry, and I'm not I'm not qualified to be
speaking into psychiatry, but if you look at it from
that lens, it'll change a little bit of the way
that you react to it. But the way that you
shouldn't react to it at all is by showing hostility
back to her. She is a wounded animal and she's cornered,
(21:42):
and when you she of course she's gonna bite back,
and she's gonna scratch. And if you continue to keep
her cornered and be aggressive back to her, to her,
it's never gonna fix anything. It's never like she's never
gonna wake up in a couple of years and go Caitlin.
After you guys have been arguing, Caitlyn, I just want
to say I'm so sorry that I treated you wrong
(22:03):
for so many years. I was wrong like that would
be very very rare for her to come to that realization.
It's more likely for that to happen if you back
off and you say, I am I'm so sorry that
I've been intruding into this family. And I just want
to let you know that I love you. I think
you're an incredible grandmother, phenomenal as you said, and just
(22:27):
such a great mother to my fiance. And I understand
that you don't like me, and I just want to
tell you that I forgive you and I love you,
and I hope that one day you could love me back.
That's that's my biggest hope. And if that's I don't
know how long that'll take, but I just want to
let you know I'm here for the long haul, like
(22:48):
I'm here for your son, and I'm here for our
three kids, two of them are step kids, and I'm
here for I'm here for them. I'm not going anywhere.
You could trust me on that. And when you say that,
when you see you better be serious when you say that.
When you say you could trust me on that, you
better not back out on that. That would be bad.
But that's the only approach you could take. That's it
(23:09):
you have. You have one route, and that's it. There's
no other way. There's no way that you could mentally
beat her at a challenge or punish her enough and
make her finally realize that she's wrong. The only thing
you can control, because you can't control her, is the
way you react to her. How will you react to
her with love and forgiveness or with h with aggression
(23:34):
back I'm not saying you have to hang out every
day with her, and I don't think it's a bad
thing that you're backing off a little bit, but don't
make it too obvious. Like, don't say, where's the Christmas party? Oh,
it's with her, I ain't going. Don't be that. But
you don't have to go to the Christmas party and
be lovey on her the whole time. You could go
and be cordial and polite and gracious and thankful, but
(23:56):
you don't have to sit next to her on the couch.
If that makes sense, Let's take a break. Be right back. Hey,
it's Granger Smith. Thank you for listening to my podcast.
If you want to get a hold of me and
get a personal video message from me, the best way
to do it is cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. You
(24:18):
can get a birthday shout out, maybe an anniversary, an
uplifting message, whatever you need, for whoever you need it.
It's super easy. You can either download the cameo app
and search for Granger Smith, or just go to your
URL and type in cameo dot com slash Granger Smith.
I'm always available to send you a personal video message.
(24:40):
It's really easy. You type in exactly what you need
me to say and for who you need me to
say it too, and I'll get it shot over to
you just in a few days. That's cameo dot com,
slash Grangersmith, or download the cameo app on your phone
and search for Grangersmith. Okay. Question subject line says how
(25:01):
do we make friends? It's an all captain. It has
three explanation exclamations, exclamations excuse me, I don't talk for
a living. The question says, Hey Granger, how long? I'm
a long I'm not really good though on this break
am I Hey Granger. I'm a longtime listener, fan of
the Smith's channel and watcher for three years. My name
(25:21):
is Chris. I'm twenty eight years old. We moved our
family from Indiana to Bowling Green, Kentucky last year for
a dream job as a trust designer. Our biggest downfall
is making friends, and after a year, we still don't
have a friend that we could just go to dinner
with or have a game night with. How do we
approach that in a new environment? Yeah, Chris, First of all,
(25:42):
thanks for listening and watching and checking out the Smiths
and being a fan. And you are the heart and
soul of the Yege nation. Man, So I just I
appreciate you so much, and I think it's a great question.
It's a valid question. You took a dream job, congratulations
on that, and you got to move and you get
to experience a whole new life. You get a reset,
(26:05):
and that's that's amazing, and it's understandable that you know,
you reset your whole life. You're like the new people
in town and you're trying to make friends and you're
twenty eight. That's great, you're not fifty eight. That's a
little bit different. Twenty eight. This is this is this
is very doable. So I'm trying to think you said
(26:28):
my family, I'm assuming you have kids because you said
we moved our family. Yeah, so I'm assuming there's kids involved. Man.
Kids are a great way to make for parents to
make friends with the other parents through sporting events or
leagues or school or theater and plays and clubs and
(26:51):
whatever the kids are involved with. You show up and
you're kind of forced into these environments where you're with
other parents that have something very much in common with you.
A kid the same age as your kid at the
same school or at the same sporting thing. Like that's
you got something in common. It's a really good bond.
(27:13):
And you're wanting more than that. I understand, and you're
probably thinking we do that, and you're wanting you're wanting
this to elevate into dinner and game nights. So another
way to get to that is through the kids and
having them. Maybe your kids are too young because you're
only twenty eight, but you're getting close. But having the
(27:36):
kids when they become friends and you invite people over
to your house for the kids to play, but then
you have some adult things to do too. So it's like, hey,
did the kids come over and play on Friday night?
And we got to slip and slide set up and
we're gonna have some ice cream and pizza. And for
the adults, you know, we got some we got a
(27:57):
movie and some wine and you know whatever. And so
it creates this environment where the kids come over and
they're eating pizza and ice cream, and then the adults
are having adult conversations and then friendships grow from there.
The other thing is your hobbies, like what do you do?
(28:19):
Do you do you like to hunter fish, or play golf,
or or play tennis or whatever, play flag football or
softball like whatever you might do. Go do that stuff
with you and your wife or alone. And as you
go into finding these hobbies, you were going to meet
(28:40):
people instantly with your same same cravings, you know, like
people you show up and you go, hey, man, how
long you've been doing skeet shooting. I've been doing it
for the last six years. How about you? I've been
doing it about the same time. And I come here
on Wednesdays. Man, me too, Hey we should we should
(29:03):
do something other than this one night. You know, what
does your wife like to do? You guys like to
see movies. We can get a movie and get one
on Amazon and watch it on Friday if you want
something like that, Like it's it just starts off super casual,
and then you might you know, and the wife might
come over and then meet your wife and they don't
like each other. That's okay, that happens, but it's a
(29:26):
good start, right you know. Me. You know, I'm gonna
say church is a great way to make friends, finding
the local church that you like, getting involved, plugging into
that serving with the church. So you're you're in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
So say there's a there's a big storm, that a tornado.
There was just a tornado, right, a big tornado in Kentucky.
(29:46):
So say a big tornado rolls through and our church
here in Austin actually sent a crew to and some
money to help with the Kentucky tornado. And so as
that happens with you and you get together and you
serve the community. Say there's there's a tornado comes through
and there's there's limbs down everywhere in a neighborhood, and
(30:09):
there's old ladies, widows and that, and a tree trees
have gone down in their yard. And you're gonna get
out there with some chainsaws with your church and you're
gonna cut up some of these limbs that fell down
in the old lady's yard that needs help. And she's
out there crying and saying thank you. But guess what.
Guess what a result of that too. Like a side
thing that's happening while you're doing that, is you're making
(30:31):
a buddy like this, this other guy over here with
the chainsaw. Like this other guy, Mike, I just met
him and he only lives five minutes down the road.
But I just found out that we got a lot
of things in common. We both like the same music,
or we've got kids about the same age. And I
met him. How'd you meet him? A chainsaw on this
old lady's house after the tornado, and then now we're
(30:54):
gonna we're gonna end up doing a dinner with the
whole family like that. That's this is the beginning of friendships.
And so lean into all that stuff if that's important
to you, Lean into all this stuff heavily, and keep
your eyes open. The other last thing I'll say is
we should always lower our expectations of what we expect
(31:15):
from friends, because if we come in with these high expectations,
like any friend of mine that I just meet is
going to invite me to dinner, or they're gonna if
I say we're doing game night at our house, they'll
say yes every time. That's what I expect from a friend.
(31:35):
Lower the expectations because we're talking about personalities here. We're
not talking about genuine friendships. Sometimes you're just talking about
a personality that's like maybe they're shy, maybe they don't
like to go to game night, they don't like games,
they like movies, and you won't know that until you're
farther down the road with this person. So lower the
(31:56):
expectations at first of what you need them to do,
and then raise raise your own expectations of how you're
gonna pour into them like I'm going to be the
one pouring in. I'm not expecting them to do anything back,
but I'm going to pour into them. This is a
way to build lifelong friends. I appreciate the question, Chris.
(32:17):
Here's a gosh, there's a lot, there's so many. Here's
one subject line, meaning of life. Hey, grain Drum Nathan
from Southern Illinois. I love your podcast, By the way,
can't seem to be happy. I just graduated college with
a wildlife management degree, and all I want to do
is stay in bed and be alone. I have no
friends and I'm single. I just don't see the point
(32:40):
of doing anything anymore. I just want to work and
come home and go to bed and stay there. I'm
a Christian and I do go to church, but I'm
just losing hope. The biggest struggle is being single, and
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel
like You're the only person I could ask any advice.
Thank you, Nathan. Shout out to Southern Illinois. Thanks for listening, buddy,
thanks for emailing. And I want to kind of take
(33:05):
you back to the very first question I did on
this episode, where I said, you're sounds like you're doing
a lot of work here from from a Christian perspective,
but there's not a lot of surrender. It's like, I'm
I'm doing this and this and this and this, but
I'm not getting anything back from God, and so I'm
just ready to give up, and and God goes, yeah, yeah,
(33:29):
give up. That's what That's what I need you to do.
I need you to surrender it to me. So everything
I said in that first question, apply this to you.
I also want to say that you're depressed. This is depression.
And a lot of times when you're clinically depressed, it
sounds like you're clinically depressed. You're saying, you're saying all
(33:51):
the things that would lead me to believe that's you know,
all you want to do is be in bed and
be alone, and you don't see a point of anything anymore,
and you can't seem to be happy. These are all
the definitions of depression. And so sometimes you got to
see a doctor because because sometimes there's things that are
(34:13):
chemically mixed up and a doctor can go, yep, got it,
we could we could fix this. And it's something that
it's not about therapy or you know, you don't have
to see a shrink or anything. Sometimes it's just like, oh, yeah,
you're you're doing this, you know. I was thinking about
this today. I flew last night from I can't even
(34:39):
remember where I was. I was in North Lawrence, Ohio,
and we drove this morning. We had a three am,
four am lobby call in our hotel, and that's an
Eastern time, so we were our bodies felt like it
was three am. And I had an early flight the
morning before that, and then we drove from North Lawrence
(35:02):
to Cleveland to jump on a plane for a five
point thirty flight, and we came home and all day
I'm just so tired, like I couldn't do anything. All
I wanted to do was be in bed and be alone,
and there was no meaning, and I wasn't happy. I
was kind of saying your same email today, and I
was just thinking, man, sleep is such a big deal,
Like sleep, sleep is such a big deal for me
(35:24):
and you. And I've known this for as long as
I've been touring and having early flights and up all
nighters driving home or whatever we're doing. I've learned over
the years that why am I feeling this way? Oh yeah,
I didn't sleep last night. Boom one good night's sleep
fixes it. I don't think that's what you're gonna say.
(35:45):
I don't think that that's gonna fix it. But I
do want to bring up that sometimes there's things that
are that are impairing our sleep in some way that
we don't know about, Like maybe you have a sinus thing,
or you have a snoring thing, a tonsil problem, or
there's something underlying that's going on. Maybe you just don't
have a good mattress. I know that that sounds petty,
(36:08):
but if you're not getting enough sleep, or consistent sleep
or deep sleep, and you're sleeping lightly, or you're tossing
and turning, maybe it's anxiety, whatever it might be. If
you're not getting enough sleep, your days are going to
suck and you just don't see things with a clear
lens and everything seems bad. I'm telling you that feeling
(36:28):
like that right now, Like that's why I'm fumbling through
this podcast because I feel that now. But but I've
done it long enough to know myself and know that
I'm just that. You know that they say that when
you when you're missing sleep to so many degrees, it's
equivalent to being drunk on alcohol. Like your brain is
(36:50):
functioning so slow and so numb. It's equivalent to however
many hours of sleep you miss is like equivalent to
how many drinks of alcohol you could have had. It's crazy,
and yet we drive like this. But it's just like
drunk driving when you're going on no sleep, everything else
(37:10):
in your life is the same. So I've thrown a
lot of information at you, Nathan, but I think the
most important thing I could say is, if you're really
at the end of your rope here, surrender it to God.
Stop trying to work through it because you can't. God
take it. Take it, and make sure that that is
you're on your knees and you're just face down, just
(37:32):
throwing it up at him. Yeah. Next question, subject g
line says how to fall in love? Hey, Grangeerd like
to stay anonymous. I'm twenty two. I recently started dating
a boy who I have been close friends with for
a while, and I've always liked things about him, but
I was hesitant to date him due to distance. He
(37:53):
has many great qualities and he's helped me grow closer
to God during our friendship. I find myself struggling with
the idea of love than marriage. He seems so sure
about me, but I struggle with consistency. How do I
know if I love him? I've been a listener for
a while now, and I know that you say that.
I know you say someone can know if they get
(38:13):
married in one year. I think what you mean is
by one year of dating, you could know if you're
going to marry him. Do you think that that still
applies for long distance? We communicate all the time and
we try to see each other monthly. I'm very thankful
for you and your camp fire conversations. God bless thanks.
Anonymous twenty two dating, long distance and not sure. Here's
(38:43):
the thing, Anonymous, love love is something you said. Let
me focus on one sentence that you wrote, how do
I know if I love him? Let's just we could
we could really throw out everything else, long distance, the time,
your age, who he is, what he's done for you,
(39:08):
how he's gotten you closer to God. We could throw
all of that out and focus on one sentence. I'll
highlight one thing, how do I know if I love him?
And that question is thousands of years old and it's
always answered the same way over thousands of years. If
(39:30):
you know you know. That's how you know you'd never
have to ask a question of do I love him?
Do I love her? The answer always is I know
I do. My knees are weak, I can't eat, I
can't sleep. It's all I think about. I crave this person.
(39:54):
I just want to be around him. I would do anything,
I would lay my life down for them. I want
their well being over mine. I want them to be
happy more than I want to be happy. I get
choked up just thinking about this person because because I
want If they ever got sick, that's way worse than
(40:15):
me getting sick. I want them to get better, faster
than I ever would want to get better. That's when
you know, you just know. You don't have to ask.
There's not a list or a checklist or a bunch
of boxes you got to click off. You just know.
And if you ask the question. Always, if you have
(40:38):
to ask the question, how do I know I love them?
The answer coming back to you is you don't. You
don't love them because you're asking the question, because if
you did, you would say I am in love with them.
Just the way it is doesn't mean anonymous that you
(41:02):
can't grow into love from where you are now. So
I'm not saying quit it, because you could grow into it.
I'm just saying it's a pretty pretty bad sign if
you don't know yet. And it's been a year, and
it's long distance, so although it's not done, it could be,
(41:24):
and you could easily walk out, walk away right now
and go I think I need some time. I think
I need a break. And the honest, honest answer would
be I'm just not sure if I love you. You You
are you're sure, and I'm not sure if I love
you back, And that is wrong for me to drag
you along like this and make you make you stay
(41:46):
working on this relationship long distance when I'm keeping you
away from life because to be honest with you, I
just don't know if I love you. And it's so
hard to tell somebody that. But that's the best thing
you could tell. That is the most beneficial thing they
could hear. It's also very hurtful, but it's very good
(42:08):
for their well being to be able to stop it
now and say good, got it, moving on. Thank you
for being honest. You didn't drag this out any longer.
That's my answer. Thank you for the question, Anonymous. All Right,
let's hit another one here. Subject line asked her to
marry me, and she left my girlfriend for over a year,
ghosted me, and I asked her to marry me. After
(42:29):
I asked her to marry me. It's been two weeks.
She hasn't texted me since I asked her to marry me.
It's been very hard, and I've had lots of stress
and anxiety. I come from a hard childhood and I
never wanted to marry anybody until I met her. But
we've been having a little bit of a rough patch.
And when I asked her to marry me, she said
she just thought it wasn't the rest the best time.
(42:51):
She told me the ring wasn't the one she expected,
and I knew that, and I explained that I would
buy her the exact ring that she wanted whenever I
had more money. And I had other financial hardships that
needed my attention. That's why I couldn't buy her the
exact one at the moment. I haven't heard from her since,
and I haven't said any of this out loud until now.
I need help, brother much love. Question comes from Frank
(43:16):
and frank Man. There is there is just red flags
all over your email, brother, and I want to help you.
I want to help you, and I'm going to go
straight to it, straight to the point. Any girl that
says that she can't marry you or accept a proposal
(43:40):
because it's not the exact ring that she wanted is
not the exact girl that you need. Because a girl
that truly loves you and sees the vision in you
and sees who you are and who the husband that
you will become. That girl that sees that and loves
you will take a wooden stick on her finger, She'll
(44:00):
take a rubber ring, it doesn't matter. She doesn't need
the perfect diamond right now, because she sees who you are.
She knows, she should know that, yes, you're going through
financial hardship, and yes you can't afford the exact ring,
but she also believes that you will be one day.
You're not him yet, but you will be one day,
(44:22):
and she believes in you, and she sees that, and
she loves you for who you are right now, and
she loves you for who you will become because she
believes that you will be, and she wants to trust
you with that. She wants to trust you with her
heart and trust you with children that you might have,
God willing and trust you with the rest of her life,
regardless of the ring, regardless of financial hardships, regardless of
(44:44):
your hard childhood that you grew up in. And you
will find a girl like that and this isn't her.
So although it's tough, she ghosted you, she dumped you,
she left you after you asked her to marry you.
Good on you because now you know, now you know
(45:05):
it wasn't the right girl. It doesn't make it. This
heartache isn't gonna be easier because I'm telling you this,
but it should help you understand why you're hurting and
why she left and more importantly, why you're gonna be
better without her. So it's gonna be tough right now.
But a little bit of time goes by and you
go as you start thinking more with your brain and
(45:25):
not your heart. Time goes by and you think, man,
I'm glad I got out of that one. I'm glad
I'm not with that girl anymore. And you'll meet a
girl it's a heart of gold, sweetheart loves you, and
she's like, maybe I just I would marry you no
matter what kind of ring you gave me. You don't
have to give me a ring. We'll go to Toys
(45:50):
r Us and get I don't even have toys r Us.
We'll go to Chuck E Cheese and we'll go to
the machine and get a rubber ring. I don't care.
Give me a plastic ring, and you're gonna think, Man,
I'm lucky to get past that old that other girl
I had because that's not her, And you'll be more
grateful for the new one too. You'll be good, Frank,
(46:10):
You'll be in a good place. This is all happening.
This kind of suffering is not meaningless. It has a purpose.
In fact, all suffering has a purpose. It's a lot
of times we fail to see it. But this has
purpose in it. This has meaning. I feel it. Things
are gonna be good for you, brother. Thanks for the email,
and thanks thanks for all the emails. Guys. I love
(46:30):
doing this, even when I'm going on no sleep. I
love doing these podcasts and I love y'all. And we'll
see you next Monday. Yeek. Thanks for joining me on
the Granger Smith podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.
You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that
little like button and notification spell so that you never
(46:51):
miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a
question for me that you would like me to answer,
email Granger Smith podcast It, gmail dot com. Y H.
Frank Man, there is. There is just red flags all
over your email, brother, and I want to help you.
Any girl that says that she can't marry you or
accept a proposal because it's not the exact ring that
she wanted, is not the exact girl that you need.
(00:33):
What's up, everybody, Welcome back in Thanks for listening to
the podcast. I've been running like crazy. This is typical
this time of year, doing a lot of fairs and
festivals and concerts around the country that are not just
on the weekends. But we've been playing a lot of
Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays, and so finding time to
(00:55):
do the podcast has been interesting. But I still absolutely
love coming in here and answering y'all's questions. It's one
of my favorite things to do of all the things
that I do. If you want your question answered, email
Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. We'll put it in
the queue. You could ask about any topic and we'll
talk about it in long form like we're just sitting
(01:16):
around a campfire. I have a few requests. Don't send
the same quest question twice it'll get deleted, And don't
make it too much longer than a phone Lenk otherwise
it makes it more difficult to read. But other than that,
it's open game. You could ask me about anything, and
we have heard over the last one hundred episodes or
(01:37):
so that that subjects are very, very different, and I
love them. So I'm going to dive in here before
I say anything else, because that's not what this podcast
is about. It's about you. First question, subject line says healing.
It says, Hey Granger, my name is Connor. Today, exactly
one year ago, my wife left me. No explanation or reason,
(01:58):
she just left. We were high school sweethearts and together
since sixteen years old. I'm twenty six now. It's been
the worst year of my life. I've struggled mentally and physically.
Within one month, I lost thirty pounds. I didn't want
to live anymore, tried hurting myself, tried to give up,
but God kept me here. I know God's timing is
perfect and to stay patient, but every day, especially today,
(02:19):
is so hard. I'm trying so hard to heal. I've
moved from West Virginia to Florida to start my life
over again. I'm making new friends, plugging myself into a
church as much as I can working so hard on
my relationship with christ but it feels as though I'm
just going in circles. I want to move on, but
I'm afraid that I won't be able to love someone
the same or more than I ever loved her. Any
(02:41):
advice would be appreciated. Love what you do. This question
comes from Connor Connor Man, thank you for emailing. I'm
so sorry that this is the day. This is the
anniversary of the toughest day of your life. And it's
not a surprise that you know. As humans, we look
(03:01):
at the calendar and we start relating things to good
and bad events in our life, and you could, for instance,
you could be as I'm reading this, it's the month
of June, and you could look at the month of
June and say, you know, the weather's getting hot, the
trees look a certain way, there's certain things going on
in work. I'm wearing the similar clothes that I was wearing,
(03:26):
all relating back to the day that she left, And
so it's easy to see that you could make those correlations.
As opposed to colder weather and it's snowing outside, there's
not as much of a of a correlation there. So
I say that in a way to validate that. Of
(03:47):
course this hurts. No one's gonna blame you. Of course
you're having these feelings on this day. Of course you're
still struggling. This is someone you you made a vow
to spend the rest of your life with, and you
knew her for ten years and that is over. You
(04:07):
are grieving that loss. This heartbreak is equal to grief
for you. It's just as though she died, and no
one is going to deny that, and no one is
ever going to take that away from you. So your
pain and your hurt and your heartbreak is valid. But
what I want to dive into, just from reading your
question one time, I want to dive into something here
(04:31):
that's interesting, And anyone listening could take this with a
grain assault for their own situation that they're in. But
there's one sentence you said that's interesting. It says, I'm
working so hard on my relationship with christ but it
feels as though I'm going in circles. I want to
move on, but I'm afraid. Let's just take that little
(04:54):
piece right there. This is this is normal for you
to say. I'm not surprised that you said it, but
I want to point out that this is not Christianity.
This is not what the Bible says. Interesting, right, you're like,
what what do you mean, That's not what the Bible says.
(05:15):
I'm working so hard on my relationship with Christ it
feels like I'm going to circles on them. That's not
what it says to us. There is nothing in your
relationship with Christ, with God is It's never about working works,
acts effort at all. Your effort is irrelevant. Right, We're
(05:42):
talking about your salvation. We're talking about your peace and
joy and hope. We're not talking about the result of
your relationship. So as the relationship is established, the result
of that is going to convict you to walk into
the good works that have been prepared for you. But
(06:04):
it is not the requirement of the relationship. Jesus says,
no one comes to me unless the Father draws him,
meaning nothing you could do work related is going to
draw you to Jesus. That's God. The Father will do that.
(06:29):
It's an interesting concept. And the reason I say it
because you might be saying, well, what do I do?
So now I tell you so here it is, get
a pen and paper, write this down. There's one word
I have to tell you that that's going to relate
to you in your situation, in this terrible divorce, that's
terrible suffering, and in any kind of hardship or anxiety,
(06:54):
or tribulation or adversity of any kind, there's one word
for you. Surrender. Surrender it, give it to God. God.
This is what this is what a prayer would look like. God.
I am hurting. I am in so much pain. I've
(07:19):
tried this, and I've tried this, and I've tried to
get closer to you, and I've tried to establish my
relationship with you, and I've tried to go to church,
and I've tried to gain some of the weight back
that I lost, and I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm
trying to exercise it, and I'm trying to meet other people,
and I'm trying to meet other girls. And I'm trying.
I'm trying. I'm trying, and guess what, I can't do it.
I can't. My heart is still attached to her. I'm hurting.
(07:44):
There's nothing I can do anymore. So God, I can't
do it. Take this from me. I surrender all of
this to you. It's like it's like you're going down
a river Connor, and you're in a raft and you're
hitting rapids and you're just paddling, paddle and paddle and
paddle and paddle, and sometimes it works. Sometimes you get
(08:05):
around a boulder and then there's a tree that fell
down in the water and it's causing these rapids and
you come up to the tree and you're like, you'd
use all the strength you can with your oars, and
you barely make around it, get it. And then here
comes a curve and it's it's really sharp, and you
make it around this cliff and you're you're still paddling,
you're getting tired, and you're just fighting, fighting, fighting the current.
(08:27):
And then guess what, around the next curve, there's a
waterfall and nothing you can do could stop you from
getting to that waterfall and going off, and your boat
is done, your oars are gone. That's what's happened to you.
You've tried to control your boat. And let me tell you,
I'm telling you this from experience. I'm actually writing a
(08:49):
book about this. Right now. You're listening to a guy
that has tried so hard his whole life to guide
his boat with his oars and his own strength, including
my relationship with God, thinking that I could paddle. If
I paddle hard enough, I'll get close enough to God.
(09:09):
As though I'm trying to get to him, it's like
he's off in the distance and I've got my boat
and my paddles, and I'm like, if I could just
get closer to God, if I could just get through
these rapids and all these obstacles and around these corners
and these twists and turns, if I could just get
closer to Him, then I'll feel peace, and I'll feel
less anxiety, and I'll feel hope. And that's just not
(09:33):
I'm telling you from experience. That's not what the Bible says.
And it also doesn't work. One word surrender. I'm talking
on your knees, Connor, God. I can't. I can't do it.
I've tried. I can't move on. My heart is still attached.
Detach this heart or enlarge it to you. Make you
(09:54):
my desire, not her. I can't seem to get my
heart away from her. What do I do? God? Take it.
You built my heart, You created my heart. My heart
is in your hands, So twist it and turn it
back towards you. Make her memory seem like poison to
me because I can't take it anymore. That's the prayer,
(10:16):
over and over and over again, Connor, every night, on
your knees, sincere, and as he starts to do it,
as he starts to take your heart and remold it,
because guess what, guess what he wants this surrender. He
wants you at a place where you're so broken you
(10:38):
can't save yourself anymore. And then he comes in and goes, oh,
did you try to save yourself? Now you need a
savior because you couldn't. Now I got you. Now you're
in the place I could work with you. Now your
heart is in a position when I could use it
to worship me. And when you worship me, when you
(10:58):
praise me, when I saved you and you praise me,
You'll finally understand joy. You'll finally understand gratitude and love
and peace. I'm telling you, Connor, from experience, surrender. Stop trying,
Stop working, working on friends, working on church, working on
(11:20):
forgetting her, working work and working and on a side,
little side thing you're praying. Give it to him now.
The result of that, the result of that surrender, is
your works, not the beginning not the start of it,
the result, the end result of this surrender. You're gonna
notice yourself craving church, craving godly things, craving to want
(11:46):
to read the Bible, craving want to want to obey
the commandments of the Gospel. But you can't do those
things because you're a sinner, and so am I. And
that's the way we're wired. We're rebels. But once you surrender,
now you're ready to then live a life according to
the Gospel. Give it all to him. I'm so sorry
(12:09):
for your loss. I cannot personally relate to that loss,
but I know it hurts man, and I awesome know
after the surrender, on the other side of that surrender,
there's a new girl. There's a new life, there's hope,
and yes, to answer your last question, there is someone
(12:29):
that you will love more absolutely. Let's go something else here.
This is a subject line question finding the right person
to marry. Hey Granger, I've been listening to your podcast
for a while now, and the question I have that
I struggle with is this, How do I know this
is for sure the girl I want to spend the
rest of my life with. I'm twenty years old, I've
(12:49):
been dating this girl for coming close to a year now.
We have a lot of great times that we've had together,
but there are some small things that still make me
unsure if this is who I want to spend the
rest of my life with any advice. The question comes
from bo Bo. Thanks for the email, Buddy. Great question,
and it's a really good question to be thinking about
(13:10):
because this means this tells me that you're not so
involved with your heart and thinking with your heart. You're
actually using your brain. And it's a really good time
to be using your brain right before you're thinking about
making a really big decision about getting married. So, first
thing is you're twenty. I'm assuming she's around the same age.
(13:32):
That's young. Things are going to change by the time
she's thirty. If you're seeing things you don't like right now, hey,
there's a chance that those could get fixed. There's also
a chance equal amount of chance there that those things
that you don't like are going to be ten times
worse by the time she's thirty and you're thirty. The
(13:54):
fact that you're seeing red flags, it's not a deal
breaker that you're seeing red flags, but it's something to
think about and so you need an action for this.
And I would say me, I like to I'm a
visual guy. I like to write things out. So I
would say, BO, make a list of the top unnegotiable
things that you want from a wife, and then make
(14:18):
another list of the unnegotiable things that are deal breakers
for a future spouse. And these things are up to you.
And I can't put these words in your mouth. Only
you know you. But it's things like children, you want children?
How many do you want? And how important is that
(14:39):
on your priority list? That's a big deal. To talk
about your faith? Where are you and your faith? Is
that important to you? Should that be important to her?
It's a big, really big conversation piece your career. What
are you expecting her to be accepting of your ca
(15:00):
and what do you expect from her out of her
career or not a career? Do you expect her to
be a stay at home mom or a stay at
home nothing? Or do you expect her to bring home
half of the income? Do you expect her to bring
home all the income? I don't know, that's up to you.
But these are things to really think about before engagement.
(15:21):
And you got to think with your brain and not
your heart. The fact that your twenty means you have
a lot of time and it's not a big deal
if you want to separate from her for a little
bit and say, hey, I think we need a break.
Oh my gosh, what do you mean? Yeah, just I
need a break. I'm stepping into a time in my
life when I'm gonna have to make some really really
(15:41):
big decisions of spending the rest of my life with someone.
And I'm by no means saying this isn't you, but
I really want to kind of go over some things
in my life and make sure I'm ready for that person,
which is hopefully you. You know, you could do anything
you want, but I would write it out, and I
would I would ask some of your friends, like your friends,
(16:04):
the council around you is so valuable and we rarely
use it in a relationship. Since I would go to
your parents, I'd go to your friends and say, what
do you think about her? Be totally honest, shoot me straight,
what do you think about her? Do you think she's
she's my wife? My future wife? And let them tell
you and make them be honest. And then when they
(16:26):
start saying things like man, bo i didn't ever want
to tell you, man, but I don't know, Like there's
some red flag she has and she says some things
when you're not around, and I've seen her doing this
and that when you're out of town, and bo I
just don't I don't think so. Man, Then you got
to listen to them. You don't have to make a
(16:48):
decision because of them, but you have to weigh their
opinion deeply into your decision. And then maybe some of
them are gonna say, man, she's great. Dude, you're stupid
if you don't wrap this up right now. Put her
ring on the finger. You are stupid if you don't
do that. They might say that, but you need a consensus.
Wise counsel is so important. Let me know how it goes. Brother,
(17:10):
Thanks for the email. Next question, subject line says monster
in law. Hey Granger, I've been with my now fiance
for over seven years. We have three kids together. Let
me start over together. We have three kids, two of
them are my stepdaughters, and his mom is evil, but
only towards me. She's a phenomenal grandmother and mother to
(17:30):
my fiance, but she's rude to me blatantly makes me
feel bad for just existing and makes it known that
I come last to everyone. I've tried talking to her
about it and many other things, but finally I told
my fiance that I'm just gonna avoid her altogether. I
have told him that I don't expect him to cut
her out of his life, but I'm just going to
(17:51):
keep my interactions with her minimal. I've prayed about this
for years, and I'm just unsure of what to do
or how to handle the situation. Thank you, Caitlyn. Tough situation.
What makes this tough is that you have uh sounds
like you guys have a child together and two of
them two other children that are his, and you've been
(18:14):
together seven years. This makes it just complicated, complicated, And
this is if anyone's listening that's not in the situation.
This is why, this is why, this is why you
it's so hard to have baby Mama's out there and
baby daddy's. I have to say this, and Caitlin, this
(18:34):
is not this is not directed towards you, but I
have to say that. You know, when we read the
Bible and we see we see guidelines laid out for us,
it's not so that we don't have fun or we
have a miserable life, or we have to we have
to be this this religious robot that just follows this
this ridiculous structure. It's just not that it's for our
(18:55):
own good. It's for our own well being because we
were created by by a being that knows us better
than we know ourselves. And so these these guidelines are
laid out. If you want to have a life that
isn't that, that isn't suffering beyond what normal life would be,
follow with these guidelines. And when you get out of
(19:16):
the guidelines you get monster in laws and and but
this is your past, this now, Caitlin, you know. So
that's that's why this this is not on you. I
don't say that to you at all, and it's that
comes without any judgment. I have my own problems, for sure.
But but the reason I bring it up is because
you need to understand your story is very, very complicated,
(19:40):
and there's not an easy fix to this because there's
a lot of kids involved. Usually when you see a
monster in law, that's being a monster towards the new girl,
the daughter, not the she's the mother of the son,
I should say. Usually you see that because there is
this is crazy. I'm willing to bet Caitlin that this
(20:06):
monster in law has had man problems in her life.
I'm willing to bet she's gone through multiple divorces, or
she's been cheated on and or abused physically, verbally, something
in that world. I'm willing to bet that she has
been hurt by a man and she feels worth with
(20:31):
herself through her son now because she is now raising
a sun and she feels the love that she needs
from a man. She fills that with her the relationship
with her son. And you are coming in and she
has grown jealous of you because you're gonna steal her man,
(20:54):
the man that the only man, her son, that hasn't
let her down in her life. Could be wrong on this,
but I would bet money that I'm right. You are
coming in to steal the only man that hasn't left
her yet, or that hasn't abused her or or treated
her with less dignity in some way. It's wild, this
(21:18):
wild psychiatry, and I'm not I'm not qualified to be
speaking into psychiatry, but if you look at it from
that lens, it'll change a little bit of the way
that you react to it. But the way that you
shouldn't react to it at all is by showing hostility
back to her. She is a wounded animal and she's cornered,
(21:42):
and when you she of course she's gonna bite back,
and she's gonna scratch. And if you continue to keep
her cornered and be aggressive back to her, to her,
it's never gonna fix anything. It's never like she's never
gonna wake up in a couple of years and go Caitlin.
After you guys have been arguing, Caitlyn, I just want
to say I'm so sorry that I treated you wrong
(22:03):
for so many years. I was wrong like that would
be very very rare for her to come to that realization.
It's more likely for that to happen if you back
off and you say, I am I'm so sorry that
I've been intruding into this family. And I just want
to let you know that I love you. I think
you're an incredible grandmother, phenomenal as you said, and just
(22:27):
such a great mother to my fiance. And I understand
that you don't like me, and I just want to
tell you that I forgive you and I love you,
and I hope that one day you could love me back.
That's that's my biggest hope. And if that's I don't
know how long that'll take, but I just want to
let you know I'm here for the long haul, like
(22:48):
I'm here for your son, and I'm here for our
three kids, two of them are step kids, and I'm
here for I'm here for them. I'm not going anywhere.
You could trust me on that. And when you say that,
when you see you better be serious when you say that.
When you say you could trust me on that, you
better not back out on that. That would be bad.
But that's the only approach you could take. That's it
(23:09):
you have. You have one route, and that's it. There's
no other way. There's no way that you could mentally
beat her at a challenge or punish her enough and
make her finally realize that she's wrong. The only thing
you can control, because you can't control her, is the
way you react to her. How will you react to
her with love and forgiveness or with h with aggression
(23:34):
back I'm not saying you have to hang out every
day with her, and I don't think it's a bad
thing that you're backing off a little bit, but don't
make it too obvious. Like, don't say, where's the Christmas party? Oh,
it's with her, I ain't going. Don't be that. But
you don't have to go to the Christmas party and
be lovey on her the whole time. You could go
and be cordial and polite and gracious and thankful, but
(23:56):
you don't have to sit next to her on the couch.
If that makes sense, Let's take a break. Be right back. Hey,
it's Granger Smith. Thank you for listening to my podcast.
If you want to get a hold of me and
get a personal video message from me, the best way
to do it is cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. You
(24:18):
can get a birthday shout out, maybe an anniversary, an
uplifting message, whatever you need, for whoever you need it.
It's super easy. You can either download the cameo app
and search for Granger Smith, or just go to your
URL and type in cameo dot com slash Granger Smith.
I'm always available to send you a personal video message.
(24:40):
It's really easy. You type in exactly what you need
me to say and for who you need me to
say it too, and I'll get it shot over to
you just in a few days. That's cameo dot com,
slash Grangersmith, or download the cameo app on your phone
and search for Grangersmith. Okay. Question subject line says how
(25:01):
do we make friends? It's an all captain. It has
three explanation exclamations, exclamations excuse me, I don't talk for
a living. The question says, Hey Granger, how long? I'm
a long I'm not really good though on this break
am I Hey Granger. I'm a longtime listener, fan of
the Smith's channel and watcher for three years. My name
(25:21):
is Chris. I'm twenty eight years old. We moved our
family from Indiana to Bowling Green, Kentucky last year for
a dream job as a trust designer. Our biggest downfall
is making friends, and after a year, we still don't
have a friend that we could just go to dinner
with or have a game night with. How do we
approach that in a new environment? Yeah, Chris, First of all,
(25:42):
thanks for listening and watching and checking out the Smiths
and being a fan. And you are the heart and
soul of the Yege nation. Man, So I just I
appreciate you so much, and I think it's a great question.
It's a valid question. You took a dream job, congratulations
on that, and you got to move and you get
to experience a whole new life. You get a reset,
(26:05):
and that's that's amazing, and it's understandable that you know,
you reset your whole life. You're like the new people
in town and you're trying to make friends and you're
twenty eight. That's great, you're not fifty eight. That's a
little bit different. Twenty eight. This is this is this
is very doable. So I'm trying to think you said
(26:28):
my family, I'm assuming you have kids because you said
we moved our family. Yeah, so I'm assuming there's kids involved. Man.
Kids are a great way to make for parents to
make friends with the other parents through sporting events or
leagues or school or theater and plays and clubs and
(26:51):
whatever the kids are involved with. You show up and
you're kind of forced into these environments where you're with
other parents that have something very much in common with you.
A kid the same age as your kid at the
same school or at the same sporting thing. Like that's
you got something in common. It's a really good bond.
(27:13):
And you're wanting more than that. I understand, and you're
probably thinking we do that, and you're wanting you're wanting
this to elevate into dinner and game nights. So another
way to get to that is through the kids and
having them. Maybe your kids are too young because you're
only twenty eight, but you're getting close. But having the
(27:36):
kids when they become friends and you invite people over
to your house for the kids to play, but then
you have some adult things to do too. So it's like, hey,
did the kids come over and play on Friday night?
And we got to slip and slide set up and
we're gonna have some ice cream and pizza. And for
the adults, you know, we got some we got a
(27:57):
movie and some wine and you know whatever. And so
it creates this environment where the kids come over and
they're eating pizza and ice cream, and then the adults
are having adult conversations and then friendships grow from there.
The other thing is your hobbies, like what do you do?
(28:19):
Do you do you like to hunter fish, or play golf,
or or play tennis or whatever, play flag football or
softball like whatever you might do. Go do that stuff
with you and your wife or alone. And as you
go into finding these hobbies, you were going to meet
(28:40):
people instantly with your same same cravings, you know, like
people you show up and you go, hey, man, how
long you've been doing skeet shooting. I've been doing it
for the last six years. How about you? I've been
doing it about the same time. And I come here
on Wednesdays. Man, me too, Hey we should we should
(29:03):
do something other than this one night. You know, what
does your wife like to do? You guys like to
see movies. We can get a movie and get one
on Amazon and watch it on Friday if you want
something like that, Like it's it just starts off super casual,
and then you might you know, and the wife might
come over and then meet your wife and they don't
like each other. That's okay, that happens, but it's a
(29:26):
good start, right you know. Me. You know, I'm gonna
say church is a great way to make friends, finding
the local church that you like, getting involved, plugging into
that serving with the church. So you're you're in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
So say there's a there's a big storm, that a tornado.
There was just a tornado, right, a big tornado in Kentucky.
(29:46):
So say a big tornado rolls through and our church
here in Austin actually sent a crew to and some
money to help with the Kentucky tornado. And so as
that happens with you and you get together and you
serve the community. Say there's there's a tornado comes through
and there's there's limbs down everywhere in a neighborhood, and
(30:09):
there's old ladies, widows and that, and a tree trees
have gone down in their yard. And you're gonna get
out there with some chainsaws with your church and you're
gonna cut up some of these limbs that fell down
in the old lady's yard that needs help. And she's
out there crying and saying thank you. But guess what.
Guess what a result of that too. Like a side
thing that's happening while you're doing that, is you're making
(30:31):
a buddy like this, this other guy over here with
the chainsaw. Like this other guy, Mike, I just met
him and he only lives five minutes down the road.
But I just found out that we got a lot
of things in common. We both like the same music,
or we've got kids about the same age. And I
met him. How'd you meet him? A chainsaw on this
old lady's house after the tornado, and then now we're
(30:54):
gonna we're gonna end up doing a dinner with the
whole family like that. That's this is the beginning of friendships.
And so lean into all that stuff if that's important
to you, Lean into all this stuff heavily, and keep
your eyes open. The other last thing I'll say is
we should always lower our expectations of what we expect
(31:15):
from friends, because if we come in with these high expectations,
like any friend of mine that I just meet is
going to invite me to dinner, or they're gonna if
I say we're doing game night at our house, they'll
say yes every time. That's what I expect from a friend.
(31:35):
Lower the expectations because we're talking about personalities here. We're
not talking about genuine friendships. Sometimes you're just talking about
a personality that's like maybe they're shy, maybe they don't
like to go to game night, they don't like games,
they like movies, and you won't know that until you're
farther down the road with this person. So lower the
(31:56):
expectations at first of what you need them to do,
and then raise raise your own expectations of how you're
gonna pour into them like I'm going to be the
one pouring in. I'm not expecting them to do anything back,
but I'm going to pour into them. This is a
way to build lifelong friends. I appreciate the question, Chris.
(32:17):
Here's a gosh, there's a lot, there's so many. Here's
one subject line, meaning of life. Hey, grain Drum Nathan
from Southern Illinois. I love your podcast, By the way,
can't seem to be happy. I just graduated college with
a wildlife management degree, and all I want to do
is stay in bed and be alone. I have no
friends and I'm single. I just don't see the point
(32:40):
of doing anything anymore. I just want to work and
come home and go to bed and stay there. I'm
a Christian and I do go to church, but I'm
just losing hope. The biggest struggle is being single, and
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel
like You're the only person I could ask any advice.
Thank you, Nathan. Shout out to Southern Illinois. Thanks for listening, buddy,
thanks for emailing. And I want to kind of take
(33:05):
you back to the very first question I did on
this episode, where I said, you're sounds like you're doing
a lot of work here from from a Christian perspective,
but there's not a lot of surrender. It's like, I'm
I'm doing this and this and this and this, but
I'm not getting anything back from God, and so I'm
just ready to give up, and and God goes, yeah, yeah,
(33:29):
give up. That's what That's what I need you to do.
I need you to surrender it to me. So everything
I said in that first question, apply this to you.
I also want to say that you're depressed. This is depression.
And a lot of times when you're clinically depressed, it
sounds like you're clinically depressed. You're saying, you're saying all
(33:51):
the things that would lead me to believe that's you know,
all you want to do is be in bed and
be alone, and you don't see a point of anything anymore,
and you can't seem to be happy. These are all
the definitions of depression. And so sometimes you got to
see a doctor because because sometimes there's things that are
(34:13):
chemically mixed up and a doctor can go, yep, got it,
we could we could fix this. And it's something that
it's not about therapy or you know, you don't have
to see a shrink or anything. Sometimes it's just like, oh, yeah,
you're you're doing this, you know. I was thinking about
this today. I flew last night from I can't even
(34:39):
remember where I was. I was in North Lawrence, Ohio,
and we drove this morning. We had a three am,
four am lobby call in our hotel, and that's an
Eastern time, so we were our bodies felt like it
was three am. And I had an early flight the
morning before that, and then we drove from North Lawrence
(35:02):
to Cleveland to jump on a plane for a five
point thirty flight, and we came home and all day
I'm just so tired, like I couldn't do anything. All
I wanted to do was be in bed and be alone,
and there was no meaning, and I wasn't happy. I
was kind of saying your same email today, and I
was just thinking, man, sleep is such a big deal,
Like sleep, sleep is such a big deal for me
(35:24):
and you. And I've known this for as long as
I've been touring and having early flights and up all
nighters driving home or whatever we're doing. I've learned over
the years that why am I feeling this way? Oh yeah,
I didn't sleep last night. Boom one good night's sleep
fixes it. I don't think that's what you're gonna say.
(35:45):
I don't think that that's gonna fix it. But I
do want to bring up that sometimes there's things that
are that are impairing our sleep in some way that
we don't know about, Like maybe you have a sinus thing,
or you have a snoring thing, a tonsil problem, or
there's something underlying that's going on. Maybe you just don't
have a good mattress. I know that that sounds petty,
(36:08):
but if you're not getting enough sleep, or consistent sleep
or deep sleep, and you're sleeping lightly, or you're tossing
and turning, maybe it's anxiety, whatever it might be. If
you're not getting enough sleep, your days are going to
suck and you just don't see things with a clear
lens and everything seems bad. I'm telling you that feeling
(36:28):
like that right now, Like that's why I'm fumbling through
this podcast because I feel that now. But but I've
done it long enough to know myself and know that
I'm just that. You know that they say that when
you when you're missing sleep to so many degrees, it's
equivalent to being drunk on alcohol. Like your brain is
(36:50):
functioning so slow and so numb. It's equivalent to however
many hours of sleep you miss is like equivalent to
how many drinks of alcohol you could have had. It's crazy,
and yet we drive like this. But it's just like
drunk driving when you're going on no sleep, everything else
(37:10):
in your life is the same. So I've thrown a
lot of information at you, Nathan, but I think the
most important thing I could say is, if you're really
at the end of your rope here, surrender it to God.
Stop trying to work through it because you can't. God
take it. Take it, and make sure that that is
you're on your knees and you're just face down, just
(37:32):
throwing it up at him. Yeah. Next question, subject g
line says how to fall in love? Hey, Grangeerd like
to stay anonymous. I'm twenty two. I recently started dating
a boy who I have been close friends with for
a while, and I've always liked things about him, but
I was hesitant to date him due to distance. He
(37:53):
has many great qualities and he's helped me grow closer
to God during our friendship. I find myself struggling with
the idea of love than marriage. He seems so sure
about me, but I struggle with consistency. How do I
know if I love him? I've been a listener for
a while now, and I know that you say that.
I know you say someone can know if they get
(38:13):
married in one year. I think what you mean is
by one year of dating, you could know if you're
going to marry him. Do you think that that still
applies for long distance? We communicate all the time and
we try to see each other monthly. I'm very thankful
for you and your camp fire conversations. God bless thanks.
Anonymous twenty two dating, long distance and not sure. Here's
(38:43):
the thing, Anonymous, love love is something you said. Let
me focus on one sentence that you wrote, how do
I know if I love him? Let's just we could
we could really throw out everything else, long distance, the time,
your age, who he is, what he's done for you,
(39:08):
how he's gotten you closer to God. We could throw
all of that out and focus on one sentence. I'll
highlight one thing, how do I know if I love him?
And that question is thousands of years old and it's
always answered the same way over thousands of years. If
(39:30):
you know you know. That's how you know you'd never
have to ask a question of do I love him?
Do I love her? The answer always is I know
I do. My knees are weak, I can't eat, I
can't sleep. It's all I think about. I crave this person.
(39:54):
I just want to be around him. I would do anything,
I would lay my life down for them. I want
their well being over mine. I want them to be
happy more than I want to be happy. I get
choked up just thinking about this person because because I
want If they ever got sick, that's way worse than
(40:15):
me getting sick. I want them to get better, faster
than I ever would want to get better. That's when
you know, you just know. You don't have to ask.
There's not a list or a checklist or a bunch
of boxes you got to click off. You just know.
And if you ask the question. Always, if you have
(40:38):
to ask the question, how do I know I love them?
The answer coming back to you is you don't. You
don't love them because you're asking the question, because if
you did, you would say I am in love with them.
Just the way it is doesn't mean anonymous that you
(41:02):
can't grow into love from where you are now. So
I'm not saying quit it, because you could grow into it.
I'm just saying it's a pretty pretty bad sign if
you don't know yet. And it's been a year, and
it's long distance, so although it's not done, it could be,
(41:24):
and you could easily walk out, walk away right now
and go I think I need some time. I think
I need a break. And the honest, honest answer would
be I'm just not sure if I love you. You You
are you're sure, and I'm not sure if I love
you back, And that is wrong for me to drag
you along like this and make you make you stay
(41:46):
working on this relationship long distance when I'm keeping you
away from life because to be honest with you, I
just don't know if I love you. And it's so
hard to tell somebody that. But that's the best thing
you could tell. That is the most beneficial thing they
could hear. It's also very hurtful, but it's very good
(42:08):
for their well being to be able to stop it
now and say good, got it, moving on. Thank you
for being honest. You didn't drag this out any longer.
That's my answer. Thank you for the question, Anonymous. All Right,
let's hit another one here. Subject line asked her to
marry me, and she left my girlfriend for over a year,
ghosted me, and I asked her to marry me. After
(42:29):
I asked her to marry me. It's been two weeks.
She hasn't texted me since I asked her to marry me.
It's been very hard, and I've had lots of stress
and anxiety. I come from a hard childhood and I
never wanted to marry anybody until I met her. But
we've been having a little bit of a rough patch.
And when I asked her to marry me, she said
she just thought it wasn't the rest the best time.
(42:51):
She told me the ring wasn't the one she expected,
and I knew that, and I explained that I would
buy her the exact ring that she wanted whenever I
had more money. And I had other financial hardships that
needed my attention. That's why I couldn't buy her the
exact one at the moment. I haven't heard from her since,
and I haven't said any of this out loud until now.
I need help, brother much love. Question comes from Frank
(43:16):
and frank Man. There is there is just red flags
all over your email, brother, and I want to help you.
I want to help you, and I'm going to go
straight to it, straight to the point. Any girl that
says that she can't marry you or accept a proposal
(43:40):
because it's not the exact ring that she wanted is
not the exact girl that you need. Because a girl
that truly loves you and sees the vision in you
and sees who you are and who the husband that
you will become. That girl that sees that and loves
you will take a wooden stick on her finger, She'll
(44:00):
take a rubber ring, it doesn't matter. She doesn't need
the perfect diamond right now, because she sees who you are.
She knows, she should know that, yes, you're going through
financial hardship, and yes you can't afford the exact ring,
but she also believes that you will be one day.
You're not him yet, but you will be one day,
(44:22):
and she believes in you, and she sees that, and
she loves you for who you are right now, and
she loves you for who you will become because she
believes that you will be, and she wants to trust
you with that. She wants to trust you with her
heart and trust you with children that you might have,
God willing and trust you with the rest of her life,
regardless of the ring, regardless of financial hardships, regardless of
(44:44):
your hard childhood that you grew up in. And you
will find a girl like that and this isn't her.
So although it's tough, she ghosted you, she dumped you,
she left you after you asked her to marry you.
Good on you because now you know, now you know
(45:05):
it wasn't the right girl. It doesn't make it. This
heartache isn't gonna be easier because I'm telling you this,
but it should help you understand why you're hurting and
why she left and more importantly, why you're gonna be
better without her. So it's gonna be tough right now.
But a little bit of time goes by and you
go as you start thinking more with your brain and
(45:25):
not your heart. Time goes by and you think, man,
I'm glad I got out of that one. I'm glad
I'm not with that girl anymore. And you'll meet a
girl it's a heart of gold, sweetheart loves you, and
she's like, maybe I just I would marry you no
matter what kind of ring you gave me. You don't
have to give me a ring. We'll go to Toys
(45:50):
r Us and get I don't even have toys r Us.
We'll go to Chuck E Cheese and we'll go to
the machine and get a rubber ring. I don't care.
Give me a plastic ring, and you're gonna think, Man,
I'm lucky to get past that old that other girl
I had because that's not her, And you'll be more
grateful for the new one too. You'll be good, Frank,
(46:10):
You'll be in a good place. This is all happening.
This kind of suffering is not meaningless. It has a purpose.
In fact, all suffering has a purpose. It's a lot
of times we fail to see it. But this has
purpose in it. This has meaning. I feel it. Things
are gonna be good for you, brother. Thanks for the email,
and thanks thanks for all the emails. Guys. I love
(46:30):
doing this, even when I'm going on no sleep. I
love doing these podcasts and I love y'all. And we'll
see you next Monday. Yeek. Thanks for joining me on
the Granger Smith podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.
You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that
little like button and notification spell so that you never
(46:51):
miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a
question for me that you would like me to answer,
email Granger Smith podcast It, gmail dot com. Y H.
Host
Granger Smith
Popular Podcasts
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.