June 27, 2022 • 45 mins
Episode 142: It's very rare for a relationship like this to turn out well. it's probably not going to work. Life is too short for a relationship like this. Join me as we chat about this topic and more on this week's podcast!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
So I gotta tell you rhtt you're either going to
drag this out for a year or another two years.
You're gonna do that, or you're gonna realize soon the
fighting's not worth it. Life is too short. What's up, guys,
(00:25):
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for watching, Thank you
for listening. Whatever platform you're coming from, whether it's YouTube
or Spotify or Apple podcast. Maybe you found me on TikTok,
maybe you found me through After Midnight my radio show.
However you got here, thank you for being here. I
love doing this. We're going to walk through your questions
real time, long form, no notes, no edits, no cuts.
(00:48):
I don't know what's coming at me, and I'm going
to talk through it as though me and you are
friends and you asked me for advice. I might not
have the right advice, but I'm just going to tell
you what comes to my mind when I read this.
If you want to be on this podcast with your question,
email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com, and I'm going
to get to the list here today. The first question
(01:10):
subject line says, this little slash big thing my husband does.
He says, I'd like to stay anonymous. I've been married
to my husband for twelve years. He proposed to me
within the first year of that, and we were together.
Everything seemed perfect. He seemed head over heels from me,
and for some reason, during this time things changed. He
(01:31):
started struggling and reliving the past. When I say the past,
I mean it's mostly things, events, people that were prior
to me. He struggles with condemning himself for our children
not having as good a life as he had when
he was younger. He relives and longs for the vehicles, money,
and good times he had before he was with me.
The big thing is he has confessed feeling guilty for
(01:52):
things he did to his girlfriend and often thinks of
ways to fix what he did back then to her.
He's reached out to her before, and even kept pictures
and special things from her in our garage. It's gotten
to the point where I could feel or sense when
he's thinking about her, and he'll shut down and separate
himself from our family and be distant. We've talked about it.
He'll confess these feelings and these things, and he'll break
(02:15):
down and sometimes even cry. When I press him to
reach out and fix whatever he needs to be fixed.
Then he will say it's stupid and he doesn't love
her and he was just having a moment. While I'm
really glad he's comfortable talking to me about this, it
kills me all caps. I can't help but feel that
he regrets marrying me, while I'm the one with the
(02:35):
ring on the finger, I still can't help but feel
unwanted in someone else's spot. I start to feel guilty
that I even came into my husband's life, and even
wonder if he's supposed to be with his former girlfriend.
I've found ways to cope and deal with these unwanted
feelings by running to the cross. I'm not going to
ask why he is doing this, but instead what can
(02:57):
I do as a godly woman to pull him back
into the present with us? Or would you say I
should instead be mentally and physically preparing myself for not
being together forever even though we're married. Is this man
still in love with his ex girlfriend from over sixteen
years ago? Wow? What a question to start the podcast.
(03:19):
Number one question to lead off, What my Goodness? First
of all, Anonymous, I am so impressed with your courage
and with your understanding of the situation. Oh my goodness,
Oh I don't think a lot of wives would be
able to handle this with as much grace as you
(03:43):
are doing. And I feel like you are doing all
the right things. You've maybe you've listened to my podcast
or you're just new, but either way, you know exactly
how I feel about these situations. And you even know
that I read act asking God, why ever? And instead
what what? God? What are you trying to show me
(04:04):
in the situation. It's interesting when we pray sometimes and
we ask for strength and to build our strength, he
gives us troubles to deal with to enhance our strength,
and that's what he's doing with you. And I want
to validate your concern and your feeling about this, and
(04:27):
I think you're doing everything right. Here's the first thing
I want to dive into is the last thing that
you said here, should I be mentally preparing myself for
not being together forever? I want to I want to
kind of unpack that a little bit with you, because
I want I want to say and I know I
feel like I know you because here long email, but
(04:49):
and so I'm not saying anything that you don't already know,
but I want you, I want to encourage you to
fight for your husband and fight for your marriage. Don't
give up on this, don't stop trying, don't start preparing
for maybe you're not going to be together, because I
think if you start that preparation, that's going to reflect
back into you. You're not going to want to fight
(05:10):
as hard. You're not going to want to dig into
him as hard because you're preparing yourself for protecting your
heart and being ready for divorce. And I don't believe
in divorce. I believe we fight for our marriages. And
no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy.
No one ever said, you're getting married, great now, it's
(05:30):
going to be a cakewalk. Have fun, you know, enjoy
the rest of your life. It's going to be easy.
I don't think I've ever heard a human ever say
that ever. Even the best marriages, even the people that
are that never even fight with each other. You're going
to have struggles, and you're going to have things that
come up, whether it's between your relationship or directly outside
(05:52):
your relationship that penetrates into it. But you're going to
have problems. And that's just the way it is. Now
the result of fighting for that. First of all, you know, Biblically,
we have to fight because because marriage is that important,
it's it's a covenant under God, and you know that.
And the struggles your husband is is dealing with, I
(06:17):
just I think you're doing some great things and I
want to continue to lean into him, and I would
continue to be the person that he could talk to
about anything, including an ex girlfriend that he might still
have feelings for, or that he's regretting something that he did.
As bad as that sounds, the last thing you want
to do is shut him out from that kind of
(06:38):
communication with you so that he can't even talk to
you about it. It's tearing him up and he can't
even talk to his own wife about it. So even
though that this kills you, and it should, and I
agree with you, and I validate that that should kill you,
and I think you should tell him that and not
(07:00):
in a nagging or or degrading way or judgment type way.
I think I think you just say I want to
talk to you about this because because I love you
and I need you to know that whatever you're struggling with,
I'm in it too with you because I'm I'm connected
(07:21):
with you, and because we have a bond and we
have a covenant together and because I love you and
we have children together. Whatever it is you're dealing with,
whether that it's this other girl, or memories from your
past or or feeling like you're not worthy in the present,
whatever it is, I'm in it with you, and I
gotta be honest with you. It kills me. It kills
(07:42):
me when I when I see you like this, and
when you go through these moments and you're not including me,
and you have to I'm telling you, guys operate differently.
You have to tell them in a loving way, not
a judgmental way, or not a nagging way, like like,
don't ever come to him and say, well you thinking
about her again, you're just leaving. You got kids with
(08:04):
me and and and I feel left out and I
feel not wanted. Don't do that. Just say I want
to talk to this. I want to talk about this,
and and find him sometime away from the kids, when
you guys can have some quiet time, maybe maybe at
dinner and you and you just say I want to
talk about this. I want to I want to dig
it up. I can't believe you. You gave him the
(08:25):
option to go back to her and reconcile like, that's amazing.
That's that's an amazing thing. That's that's that takes so
much courage and selflessness that you have offered that to him. Now,
what he does with that, I don't know. That's that's
in his court. And and we hope that, uh, if
he does take that option, that it's in a godly
(08:46):
way and a righteous way back to you. But uh,
but goodness, this is this is quite I don't think
I've ever gotten an email quite like this one, and
and I feel like there's a lot of hope in it.
I feel like there's a lot of hope for you guys,
And I feel good about the situation. I don't. I
don't feel good about where you are right now currently,
but I do feel good about the outcome because I
(09:07):
just think you are you're You're an incredible woman that
is seeing the big picture here. And he's going through
a season, and this season will pass and it's not
going to last forever, Like this isn't going to be
going on ten years down the road. He's still dealing
with this. This is a season, and I believe it's
a short season for him, and he's going through some
(09:28):
kind of some kind of period in his life where
he's he's doubting the decisions that he's made. And when
you start doubting the decisions you've made, you start feeling
less of a man, and you feel like that's why
he's telling his kids that I feel like I'm not
the good dad. Would you say you said he's condemning
(09:51):
himself for our children as not being having as good
a life as he had when he was younger. I mean,
that's that's guilt. Guilt is a thief and a liar,
and it's just corroding him from the inside. So continue
to lean in, continue to keep the communication open, don't nag,
Just love, love him, be there, give him some space
(10:11):
if he needs it, but also be available to talk
whenever he does. Don't give up on the marriage. That's
what I would say for now. Next question, subject line
says quick question about my faith. Hey Grangeer, my name's Mac.
I'm nineteen years old from Oregon. It says, the first off,
I want to say, I admire your love of Jesus
(10:33):
and how you're so open about your faith. He says,
I feel like my walk with Jesus is very staggered
and clumsy, I fall into old habits without realizing it,
and then I'm left with the same regrets. I have
a hard time growing my faith and making time for God.
I don't know if it's just me or the people
around me that I surround myself with. I'm in this
(10:55):
constant loop of envying the Christians that are confident in
and how in touch they are with God, and how
I want to be like them, and yet I don't
go to church or find the time to read the Word.
Although I don't think I would have to go to
church to be in touch with Him, I just think
it would be I would be better off to find
(11:15):
a church that I enjoy and connect with to grow
my faith. I'm also fairly new to reading the Word
and preaching what it writes. I'm not an insecure person
by any means, but when it comes to my faith,
I feel like I'm not involved as others are. I
know God forgives my sins because we are human, but
how do I grow my faith? Does it matter who
(11:36):
I surround myself with. Most of my friends are Christian,
but they never talk about God or their faith. I
know everyone's walk with God is different, and it all
happens with time. But I want to be devoted, a
devoted woman of God. I don't have a full understanding,
but I'm trying to get there. I just want to
live my life to Jesus, and I feel stuck in
a loop. I can't seem to find the right step
(12:00):
to take. And I'm kind of paraphrasing here, but how
do I break the fear of missing out? Anyway? Thank
you Granger for taking the time to read this. I
hope to come see you play in August when you
come to Roseberg. Great. So this question comes from Mac,
and Mac is a girl, and I didn't realize that
until halfway through. Mac, Yeah, let me dive into this.
(12:23):
It's it's a good question. You're not alone in thinking
any of this stuff. But I want to I want
to kind of pick at you a little bit. I
want to kind of poke at you. Okay, the first
thing I want to poke at because I want to
be I'm not going to say things that make you
feel good. I'm going to say things that I think
you need to hear and and and by saying that,
(12:45):
I want to I want to reject the idea of
you looking at other Christians like they are better than
you or have more than you, because that is false,
and I'm not one of them. We are all sinners. Okay.
The story the story of the Gospel. It's the story
of the hero slaying the dragon and getting the girl
(13:06):
in the end. That's the story of the Bible. That's
the story of Jesus slaying the dragon and getting the
girl in the end. But here's the catch. The girl
in the end that the hero gets is a prostitute.
We're not a queen like the church the bride or
the church the bride is a prostitute that is not
(13:28):
worthy of being saved by the dragon. But we're saved anyway,
all of us. Nobody is better than anybody else. Some
of us have a stronger faith. But faith itself is
a gift too that it's a gift to us. It's
not something we have grown on our own. It's something
(13:49):
that was given to us, and that understanding is a gift.
So because of that gift, and because we're all a prostitute,
we don't deserve any of it. And that leaves us
with nothing but praise that the hero slayed the dragon
that we couldn't ever defeat and saved us when we
(14:11):
weren't worthy of being saved. That's the love story here.
That's why this love story is so incredible because we
didn't deserve it, and everything is a gift. So I'm
going to dive in and I'm want to poke at
you here because you're telling me. You're telling me that
you're you're struggling, you're in a loop, you're not getting
(14:31):
any better, you're not growing your faith. But then you
straight up will tell me you don't go to church
or read the word. And so I've said, you know,
analogies on this podcast. It's like it's like a you know,
I've said this before. It's like a batter that playing
baseball that goes to the coach and says, I'm in
(14:52):
a slump. I can't hit anything. I'm in a loop.
I go up to bat and I strike out and
I cannot I can not get better at this. And
the coach says, okay, let me help you. Let me
let me help you. First of all, tell me what
you're doing. What are you doing to try to get
out of the slump. Are you practicing your swing at
(15:13):
a batting cage? No, are you videoing yourself and watching
your form and playing it back. No, are you you're
going out to the field and having somebody pitch to
you all the time and you're trying to work on
your curveball or your fastball. No, but you want to
(15:34):
get better at your swing. Yeah, I want to get
better at my swing. You see that, You see the disconnect, Like,
that's what you're telling me, And you say, although, here's
your here's your line. Although I don't think you have
to go to church to be in touch with him?
Do you not? Like? Where? Where does that? Where does that?
Where's that? In the Bible? You don't have to be
(15:55):
around other believers, you don't have to be in church.
Where does it say that? Because the church is the prostitute,
it is the bride. It's it's what he slayed the
dragon for, and so why did he slay the dragon?
It's it's like saying, if the church, if the church
(16:15):
is the bride of Christ, which is that's the analogy
the Bible makes, then it would be equivalent to what
you said. It's going up to one of your friends
that's married and saying, I really like you a lot,
I love you, but I can't I can't just can't
stand your husband. I don't like him very much. I
don't like him. I like you don't. Don't get me wrong,
(16:36):
I love you, but I just I don't care for
your husband. Like what would your friends say to that?
How would she react to that? I don't think she
would take that very well. And that's what you're saying.
And then the other thing I don't. I don't read
the word like that's the batting cage. You want to
get better at your swing, The word is your batting cage.
(16:57):
Like when you pray, you're you're you're sending your communication up.
But when you read the word, he's speaking back to
you through the word. So you're not reading it and
you're not going to church. I mean, I don't really
have to think about anything else in the email besides that.
(17:18):
Try and try that. Go to church, hey, even if
you don't want to, even if you've got I'm listen.
I just finished a book that's going to come out
next year. But I was, I was in your exact position,
So I'm not speaking down to you. I'm speaking as
a beggar telling another beggar where I found bread. Like
(17:40):
I'm no better, but I did get to eat and
let me show you where I found food. And so
many times it starts with going just going to church,
just showing up. You don't have to dress up. But
you know, I was always worried about, like, well, the
Cowboys are playing football and TV. I can't miss that,
or I'm traveling and I'm really tired. I stayed up
(18:01):
late last night at a concert. But you don't have
to want to go. You go because you need to go,
and yes, yes you need to go. You need to
show up. You need to hear what God has to
say that morning. And then you continue that on not
just Sunday morning, but on Monday you continue again, you
(18:22):
dive back into the word again. You go, God, what
I'm about to open this word, the inspired word by you,
the word that people, thousands of people died for so
that I could have this book, and I'm gonna read it.
I'm gonna se what you gotta say about it about
me today? What do you have to say to me?
Open my eyes, open my ears to the message that's
coming to me, because I'm gonna read it. So faith
(18:47):
is an action. It's an action. It's not work. Don't
work towards God. You don't have to do certain things
to get closer to him. But if you want to
be with him, get into the word, show up to
church on Sunday. In fact, let's take a break and
be right back. If you want to connect with me,
(19:12):
there's two really easy ways to do it. One you
could see me in person. Go to grangersmith dot com.
Click on the homepage. It says meet Granger on a
tab right there. Click it and find out how to
meet me at any place we're going this year, probably
all over, hopefully close to you. The second way is
cameo dot com slash granger Smith. You can get a
video shout out from me. It could be about an
(19:33):
anniversary or birthday, maybe just to pick me up a congratulations,
whatever it might be. I'll send you a personal video
from my phone saying what you need me to say.
Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith or download
the cameo app and search for me Grangersmith. All right.
(19:54):
Next question, subject CLIENTE says help for a friend. Hey,
I have a question about a friend of mine. A
little backstory. My friend got leukemia a couple years ago
and has really been changed by it since then. He
shut out most of his friends that he grew up with. Why.
I really don't know the reason. All I have to
say is I'm pretty much his only friend, and he's
complaining about being lonely, bored and having no social life,
but refuses to change any of that. How do I
(20:16):
encourage him to get out there and to do more
social events and make more friends. Whenever I talk to him,
he seems somewhat depressed and it's always complaining that he'll
never have a love since he's since he's twenty five
and only getting older. Hopefully this makes sense. Any input
would be appreciated. Thanks Harrison, Thank you Harrison, thanks for
the email. First of all, let's just say twenty five
(20:37):
mats young. That is super young. So what I want
to encourage you to do with this is work on
not trying to correct him and not trying to push
him into situations, social events, other girls, whatever, that Just
(21:01):
be there. Just just be there and just love him
as a brother, you know. Just he's been through leukemia
and you say something's changed, and you don't know what. Well,
I don't know what. I've never had leukemia and you
I don't think you have either, so we don't really
know what he went through, or how difficult that was,
or what kind of what kind of new perspective he
(21:24):
got new lens that he was able to look at
life with this idea of his own mortality like that
changes people. I would I would expect that would change
me or you. So I can't. I can't begin to
understand what he's going through. So me and you, we
don't have to, and we shouldn't. We just be there
to love him as a brother and to if he
(21:47):
doesn't have any friends, but you be that friend, pour
into him. Don't expect anything from him, lower your expectations
for what you need from him as a friend, and
instead pour into him everything. Pick him up dinner, go
pick him up to take him to the movies, go
do some fun stuff together. And if he doesn't want
to go, just go hang. Just go sit on the
(22:10):
couch and hang and just talk and do whatever you
gotta do. If he doesn't want to talk about leukemia
or friends or being lonely, change the subject, talk about
the new movie top Gun. I don't know, but just
pour into him. It's understandable that he's going through a
difficult time and that this time is probably going to
(22:31):
last several years. You can't control that. You can't control him,
you can't control his thoughts or emotions, but you can
control you and how you react to him. So pour
into him, blower your expectations of what you want from him,
and instead just give him everything. Be there for him,
(22:54):
take care of him, learn his love language. Is it
acts of service? Do stuff for him? Is it gifts?
Get them a couple of things every once in a while,
Bring them a hamburger? Is it words of affirmation? Go
sit on the couch with him and tell him that
you're an awesome dude today, not before leukemia, right now,
(23:14):
You're awesome. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Is
the quality time? Just go hang out with him, spend
time with him, learn who he is, pour into him.
That's what a friend does. Here's another question, subject line
chronic loneliness. Dear Grangeer, thanks for being awesome. I just
(23:35):
saw you for the first time live. I relocated to
Central Texas from Dallas to Dallas from Nashville from my
hometown in Ohio. I'm a strong independent woman that does
everything alone, including going to concerts, movies, sit down restaurants,
and traveling. This was fine until here. Recently, I started
getting bad looks from everyone around me. I'm twenty seven
(23:56):
years old and I've yet to make a friend. Any
advice for overcoming loneliness. I should introduce you to the
other guy that just got over leukemia, she says. I
have prayed for years for an answer. I've tried to
go into church to meet people, but I'm at a
weird age where everyone around me has friends, kids and families.
Thanks sincerely, Tests, Test, thank you for the email. Thanks
(24:19):
for being vulnerable and opening up with this. It's so
so Now we have the other side of loneliness. Now
we just talked about a friend that was dealing with it.
Now we have you that's in it, which is which
is interesting, right? I Mean if you put all these
emails together, we could see people are just hurting and
looking for answers and searching and wanting community, wanting to
be together and wanting to have friends. Like that's such
(24:42):
a such a big thing, and yet we just search
for it, like we're just digging for gold, and we
can't seem to find it sometimes. So reading your email,
the first thing I would do is to shed shed
this identity of strong, independent woman that does everything alone,
because I think you've correct me if I'm wrong, but
(25:05):
you've debunked that because you're not. This is now backfired
on you because now you're hurting with loneliness because you
have put on a facade of being a strong independent
woman that does everything alone, and you never had to
to begin with, and no one expected you to. You're not.
(25:27):
You don't have a better resume because you could write
I'm a strong independent woman that does everything alone. Like
I'm not going to pat you on the back for that,
because I'm not a strong independent man that does everything alone.
I can. You can, but and we like to sometimes,
and some people more than other times. But all of
(25:51):
us as humans, like we're tribal beast. We need community,
we need a gang. We want to be in a gang,
and we need our people. That's why we divide up politically.
Have you ever noticed that we divide up politically because
we love to be in tribes. Like I'm in this
tribe and I believe this, and so I'm gonna search
(26:11):
for other people in my tribe and I'll defend them
to the end, and I'll fight off the other guys
no matter what, because that's my tribe. And you say
something against me politically or emotionally, socially, whatever, and you're
going against my tribe. I will fight to the death
over this because you're causing harm to my people, to
(26:32):
my tribe, and that's what you want. You're twenty seven
and you're super young. I was single at twenty seven.
I didn't have a wife or kids or anything. So
me and you were on the same path. So I
understand seeing others and feeling like they're judging you because
they have a family, they're married, or they have friends.
(26:55):
But that's I could read plenty of emails where people
are having problems their marriages. I could read you the
email I just read right before this one where there's
a problem with friendship. So they're not better off. Trust me,
they're not better off because they're married or because they
have more friends than you. So there's no weird looks.
If anything, You're in a really good situation because you're
(27:18):
at the foundation level and you get to build everything
up like these other people have to do demo work
and tear down buildings and get back down to the
foundation and start over. But you you're only building up.
There's no demo work involved. Okay, that's a good place
to be. It's a lonely place, it could feel lonely,
but it's a really good place for the long term
(27:41):
because you're starting from scratch right now. So what I
usually say, you know, after you shed this identity and
after you shed the idea that people are look giving
you weird looks, like, stop thinking that. Stop thinking people
are giving you weird looks. I guarantee you people have
enough problem on their own with their own identity and
(28:02):
their own lives and their own relationships that they don't
really care how much you look different. Like you're reading
that wrong. Like people just people have too many issues
to really invest themselves in yours, even though it might
seem like it. So shed that, shed your independent woman identity,
(28:25):
and just pour into society. Go find a hobby that
you love. Pick something you love, anything, any group or
organization or game or sport or knitting, whatever it is,
Pour into that and go and find your people. Find
your tribe, and you will. You'll find your tribe. And
(28:45):
this is the place to find friends. This is where
you're going to find your friends. Okay, next question. This
is a kind of a lighthearted question. Subject line says
Chevy and petrol prices. Hey Grandeur, my name is Hans
from Norway. Have a question to you about American trucks.
I really love Chevy, Ford and GMC, but I feel
like some of them drink way too much gasoline. Which
type of truck should I buy right now? I have
(29:07):
a Chevy Suburban nineteen ninety five v. Eight five point
seven Leader. Thanks for your time, Hans hans Man. Anything
you get, anything is going to be better than your
Chevy Suburban. Uh from nineteen ninety five. I promise you anything,
So don't worry about that. Here're gonna be any of
these new trucks. Now, nothing is nothing is great, nothing
(29:29):
is given you a you know, there's nothing's better than
like a Prius if that's what you're looking for. And
I'm sure in Norway a lot more people drive lighter
cars that are that are a lot better than than trucks.
But you seem to be my kind of guy. You're
a country guy, and so uh, anything newer than nineteen
ninety five is going to be It's going to be
(29:50):
a lot better than your your Sevy Chevy Suburban. I
used to have one like that. By the way, A
nineties Chevy Suburban. It's really good. I'm going to move
on to one that it says husband has an addiction.
And I see this a lot, so I'm gonna read
this question. It says, what can I do to help
(30:12):
my husband he has a sex addiction. I don't know
how to help him. We've had a active sex life
as a married couple. We welcomed our fourth child together
and celebrated eight years of marriage. He used to attend
church with me and has a new job since that
has him working every Sunday and has kept him out.
He started joining groups on social media where people swap
(30:33):
nude photos. He was caught and I confronted him. He
claimed his account was hacked. He is always on porn
sites too. I've tried to explain to him what the
Bible says about it, and he doesn't understand how it's wrong.
It's deeply hurting me. Please help. Thanks Indiana Mom, oh man,
Indiana Mom. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability to
(30:58):
email this. This is painful. I'm sure it's it's incredibly
painful for you. I want to I want to look
at this in a couple different ways, because I see
I see porn addiction questions a lot on this podcast.
And there's two different kinds of of porn addiction. There's
(31:21):
the kind that, well, I'm just speaking for guys, not
girls right now, Okay. There's the kind that guys feel
remorseful and they feel stuck and sick to themselves that
they're in it, but they can't find a way out.
I get those questions a lot, A little less I
(31:43):
get your question. That's where the husband does not know
that it's wrong, it does not realize this is what
this is doing. And so for the first group, the
group of men, I want to I don't I know
you didn't ask it, but I want to kind of
addres it because because I get so many questions about it,
and and there is a I think a pretty solid
(32:06):
solution or remedy. I don't know if there's a solution
besides God, there's not, but here's a here's an earthly remedy. Okay.
For the first group that this is the men that
have an addiction to porn and they want to stop
because it's they know it's hurting them and their family.
I talked to a pastor friend of mine that has
(32:27):
counseled a lot of people in this and he told
me that there is a In fact, he texted me,
let me see if I can let me see if
he gave me an answer. Yes, okay, perfect, here it
is he he texted me back. There is a an
app called Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes at co O V
E n A N T Eyes and it's a you
(32:48):
can go to Covenant Eyes dot com or it looks
like there's also an app for your phone. And what
this does is it if you're if you're admitting that
you have a problem, you could sign up for this
app and it literally takes your IP address and it
monitors your search activity on your phone and your computer
and whatever else you have digital and it will it
(33:11):
knows when you go to a porn site or something
that's subjective like this, and it will send who it
will send your information to whoever you tell it to
send it to. So when you sign up for the app,
you could put your mother in law as the recipient,
or your wife or your mother, or your sister, or
(33:32):
your best friend or your pastor whatever. You put someone
in there as your as your your guardian recipient, your
accountability partner. And if you go to one of these sites,
it sends the information to your mother, so your mother
gets it, gets a log of what sites that you
(33:53):
went to that were compromising, Like that's that's pretty good.
Like that, I think that's a really that's a really
good tool in the tool shed if you're trying to
get away from this. If you know, if I type
in this website, it's sending it the information to my
mother in law, Like that's that's terrifying. That's terrifying, And
(34:13):
I think it's a great Using that kind of fear
for yourself is great. That being said, let's get back
to your question. Indiana, Mom, you are you're in the
middle of the fire right now. And the problem is
the problem is not the porn. That's obvious, like that's
(34:35):
we're all sinners. So the problem that he's doing these
weird websites where you share nude photos and he's looking
at porn, that's not that's not the problem. That's one
of thousands of sinners problems that we share. The problem
is his unrepentant heart. The problem is he's not seeing
(34:58):
that it's wrong. He's not seeing that it's damaging you
and him. So so we have to think of a
different solution for you, Indiana Mom. So I would say,
first of all, this might be an obvious question, but
I have to start here. Have you talked to him
(35:19):
about this in a non judgmental way? Similar to this
first question I had where the guy was having problems
still thinking about his ex girlfriend. Similar to that, are
you talking opening communication with him in a loving way,
not nagging? Not what are you doing? And we have
(35:40):
four kids? You're ruining us? Are you saying, babe? Can
I talk to you about something? Do you know that
I love you? And do you know that it hurts
my heart to know that you're doing this and not
to me, or not to yourself, or not to our
(36:01):
four kids, but ultimately to God. Do you know that
you're doing this? Can you can you try to see
that this is I know you say it's not wrong,
but can you try to see that it's really hurting me?
As you said in your email, it's hurting me deeply.
I can't sleep at night. It really hurts me. And
(36:26):
do you know do you know this? And for him
to have that kind of realization that he's hurting you, like,
that's different, right, It's different that he just he's trying
to skate around the fact that this is not wrong.
It's different. Maybe if he knows he's actually hurting you,
he's he's abusing you in a way, emotionally abusing you.
(36:50):
Does he know that? Have you told him that in
a non judgmental, non naggy way. Let's start with that.
And then the second thing is that the hard thing
is the church thing. He's working. He can't go to
church when we know that having him around other godly
(37:10):
men that keep him accountable will lead him back ultimately
through God. And anybody that's dealing with sin it's oblivious
that it's a problem. We have to immediately get accountability
around them. Because slipping up and falling into something bad
(37:31):
is that's one thing, But usually we expect to correct
that quickly and be able to move out of it, like,
oh gosh, I can't believe I fell into that, and
I've got to get myself back on the right path.
I got to get myself corrected. But when you're not
having that kind of repentant heart, that's what I'm talking about.
When I say that that sounds like a religious word, repentant,
(37:55):
it's just it's a remorseful heart. Like, if you're not
feeling remorse that you're hurting your wife, that's a problem.
So love him, don't give up on him, don't consider
divorcing him. Don't get a wondering eye this. So many
times I've read other emails where this is where the
cheating starts with the wife because she's like, well, he's
(38:17):
looking at he's looking at porn, and I kind of
you know, this neighbor down the road is talking sweet
to me. So if he's going to be doing that,
he's already done this damage. I'm just going to go here,
So don't do that, Like, that's not the answer. Love him,
don't nag him. Continue going to church, continue taking your
kids to church, and show him through that example that
(38:41):
you are a changed woman and that it's affecting you
and that you feel part of a community and you
feel loved. And at first he might have a little
bit of jealousy towards that, like why is my wife
loving this church so much? Like why is she getting
so much fulfillment from that? And then hopefully that that
jealousy into curiosity, and he's like, maybe I should go,
(39:03):
Like maybe I should pick a Sunday and go with
her because she seems like she's getting so much from this.
What he's going to get out of this that he
doesn't know is he's going to get so much more
fulfillment when he leaves it. But the problem is he's
in it because that's where he's getting fulfillment. It's like
hitting that little endorphin in him. It's hitting that dopamine
(39:32):
and he's satisfying that this little dopamine loop. But he
doesn't know that there's something way greater, way more satisfying.
The dopamine is nothing compared to this. Right, lean into him,
don't give up on him, Surround him with accountability, and
you in the meantime, keep going to church. Let's hit
(39:53):
one more here, says Relationship Troubles. Hey Granger, my name
is Rhet. I've been listening to your music and your
podcast for a long time. I'm eighteen years old. I
need your advice. I've been with my girlfriend for almost
two years now and it's gotten rocky. We fight quite
a bit, and when it does it lasts for a
couple of days. We both cry and really hard. She
blames the fights on me, and I know I could
(40:14):
be a problem, but sometimes she gets super manipulative and
tries to guilt me. I love her, but I feel
stuck when we aren't fighting. Our relationship is great. I'm
just not sure how to fix the fighting. I want
your opinion. Thanks Granger. Rehet Rhett, you're eighteen. You're in
a rocky relationship with extreme times of fighting. I've been
(40:36):
there before in that, I've been there, and it's very rare.
Rhet hear me. It's very rare for this to turn
out well, very rare for you to be in this
relationship that fights all the time and then one day
(41:00):
figure out a solution on how to not fight, and
she agrees with the solution, and then you just don't
fight and it's good. That is extremely rare. What I'm
trying to tell you is this relationship probably not gonna work.
It's amazing when certain people get together and they just
(41:21):
don't work well together. We all have that person. It
doesn't have to be a relationship. We have friends like
that or co workers like that. Certain personalities come together
and it's like fire and ice. Sometimes it's just incredible,
and then the other half of the time it's just hideous.
(41:41):
Typically that just doesn't work. Typically you're going to come
to a point, and I'm predicting this already. You're going
to come to a point where the fighting outweighs the
love and you're going to go, you know what, I
just can't do this anymore. It's weighing me down. I
love you. I think the times that are great are awesome,
(42:05):
but the fights are just too much. And I'm not
blaming you. I'm equally to blame in this. But it's
amazing when we get out of that and you finally
break that off and you go find somebody else. It's
crazy how you could find someone else that doesn't bring
out that bad side of you. Because yes, you're blaming yourself,
and you should, and I blame myself for these relationships.
(42:28):
It's fifty to fifty. But it's amazing when you meet
somebody else and you realize I'm not that bad guy anymore.
Like I don't have that tendency to fly off the
handle and to get angry. I don't have that tendency
to nag or to be hurtful back. I just want
a lover. It's crazy. You didn't change, but the person
(42:54):
that you're with, that new dynamic, the new chemistry is
just different. And you'll find that. So I got to
tell you, Rhett, you're either going to drag this out
for a year or another two years. You're going to
do that, or you're going to realize soon the fighting's
(43:14):
not worth it. Life is too short. I'm eighteen, I
have so much life ahead of me, so much more
to figure out in relationships, and I've just spinning my
wheels in this fighting relationship right now. Now, you're going
to be heartbroken when this happens, because when you break
up with her, I'm hoping you do. When you break
up with her, the good memories will instantly outweigh the bad,
(43:38):
and you'll forget about the fights, and you'll forget about
how bad they were, and you'll go back to her.
You'll rebound right back to her and it'll be great
for a week, and then the first fight starts again
and then you remember, oh yeah, now I remember while
we broke up because she's crazy and I'm fifty percent
(43:58):
crazy on my side, and so you'll break up again.
This could happen like three times. I'm telling you, I'm
predicting your future. And then finally, after the last heartbreak,
whether it's two or three times, you'll move on. It'll
get easier. The heartbreak will slowly, slowly diminish over months
(44:19):
of time, you'll start feeling better. You'll meet somebody new.
You'll get scared because you think that this jackal and
hide's about to come out. And then with the new person,
if it's the right one, you think, huh, I'm a
lot better now. I think I've changed and you really didn't.
(44:39):
It's just the new chemistry. Thank you all for your emails.
We'll see you next Monday. IIG thanks for joining me
on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.
You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that
little like button and notification spell so that you know
(45:00):
ever miss anytime I upload a video. If you have
a question for me that you would like me to answer,
email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Ye
So I gotta tell you rhtt you're either going to
drag this out for a year or another two years.
You're gonna do that, or you're gonna realize soon the
fighting's not worth it. Life is too short. What's up, guys,
(00:25):
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for watching, Thank you
for listening. Whatever platform you're coming from, whether it's YouTube
or Spotify or Apple podcast. Maybe you found me on TikTok,
maybe you found me through After Midnight my radio show.
However you got here, thank you for being here. I
love doing this. We're going to walk through your questions
real time, long form, no notes, no edits, no cuts.
(00:48):
I don't know what's coming at me, and I'm going
to talk through it as though me and you are
friends and you asked me for advice. I might not
have the right advice, but I'm just going to tell
you what comes to my mind when I read this.
If you want to be on this podcast with your question,
email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com, and I'm going
to get to the list here today. The first question
(01:10):
subject line says, this little slash big thing my husband does.
He says, I'd like to stay anonymous. I've been married
to my husband for twelve years. He proposed to me
within the first year of that, and we were together.
Everything seemed perfect. He seemed head over heels from me,
and for some reason, during this time things changed. He
(01:31):
started struggling and reliving the past. When I say the past,
I mean it's mostly things, events, people that were prior
to me. He struggles with condemning himself for our children
not having as good a life as he had when
he was younger. He relives and longs for the vehicles, money,
and good times he had before he was with me.
The big thing is he has confessed feeling guilty for
(01:52):
things he did to his girlfriend and often thinks of
ways to fix what he did back then to her.
He's reached out to her before, and even kept pictures
and special things from her in our garage. It's gotten
to the point where I could feel or sense when
he's thinking about her, and he'll shut down and separate
himself from our family and be distant. We've talked about it.
He'll confess these feelings and these things, and he'll break
(02:15):
down and sometimes even cry. When I press him to
reach out and fix whatever he needs to be fixed.
Then he will say it's stupid and he doesn't love
her and he was just having a moment. While I'm
really glad he's comfortable talking to me about this, it
kills me all caps. I can't help but feel that
he regrets marrying me, while I'm the one with the
(02:35):
ring on the finger, I still can't help but feel
unwanted in someone else's spot. I start to feel guilty
that I even came into my husband's life, and even
wonder if he's supposed to be with his former girlfriend.
I've found ways to cope and deal with these unwanted
feelings by running to the cross. I'm not going to
ask why he is doing this, but instead what can
(02:57):
I do as a godly woman to pull him back
into the present with us? Or would you say I
should instead be mentally and physically preparing myself for not
being together forever even though we're married. Is this man
still in love with his ex girlfriend from over sixteen
years ago? Wow? What a question to start the podcast.
(03:19):
Number one question to lead off, What my Goodness? First
of all, Anonymous, I am so impressed with your courage
and with your understanding of the situation. Oh my goodness,
Oh I don't think a lot of wives would be
able to handle this with as much grace as you
(03:43):
are doing. And I feel like you are doing all
the right things. You've maybe you've listened to my podcast
or you're just new, but either way, you know exactly
how I feel about these situations. And you even know
that I read act asking God, why ever? And instead
what what? God? What are you trying to show me
(04:04):
in the situation. It's interesting when we pray sometimes and
we ask for strength and to build our strength, he
gives us troubles to deal with to enhance our strength,
and that's what he's doing with you. And I want
to validate your concern and your feeling about this, and
(04:27):
I think you're doing everything right. Here's the first thing
I want to dive into is the last thing that
you said here, should I be mentally preparing myself for
not being together forever? I want to I want to
kind of unpack that a little bit with you, because
I want I want to say and I know I
feel like I know you because here long email, but
(04:49):
and so I'm not saying anything that you don't already know,
but I want you, I want to encourage you to
fight for your husband and fight for your marriage. Don't
give up on this, don't stop trying, don't start preparing
for maybe you're not going to be together, because I
think if you start that preparation, that's going to reflect
back into you. You're not going to want to fight
(05:10):
as hard. You're not going to want to dig into
him as hard because you're preparing yourself for protecting your
heart and being ready for divorce. And I don't believe
in divorce. I believe we fight for our marriages. And
no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy.
No one ever said, you're getting married, great now, it's
(05:30):
going to be a cakewalk. Have fun, you know, enjoy
the rest of your life. It's going to be easy.
I don't think I've ever heard a human ever say
that ever. Even the best marriages, even the people that
are that never even fight with each other. You're going
to have struggles, and you're going to have things that
come up, whether it's between your relationship or directly outside
(05:52):
your relationship that penetrates into it. But you're going to
have problems. And that's just the way it is. Now
the result of fighting for that. First of all, you know, Biblically,
we have to fight because because marriage is that important,
it's it's a covenant under God, and you know that.
And the struggles your husband is is dealing with, I
(06:17):
just I think you're doing some great things and I
want to continue to lean into him, and I would
continue to be the person that he could talk to
about anything, including an ex girlfriend that he might still
have feelings for, or that he's regretting something that he did.
As bad as that sounds, the last thing you want
to do is shut him out from that kind of
(06:38):
communication with you so that he can't even talk to
you about it. It's tearing him up and he can't
even talk to his own wife about it. So even
though that this kills you, and it should, and I
agree with you, and I validate that that should kill you,
and I think you should tell him that and not
(07:00):
in a nagging or or degrading way or judgment type way.
I think I think you just say I want to
talk to you about this because because I love you
and I need you to know that whatever you're struggling with,
I'm in it too with you because I'm I'm connected
(07:21):
with you, and because we have a bond and we
have a covenant together and because I love you and
we have children together. Whatever it is you're dealing with,
whether that it's this other girl, or memories from your
past or or feeling like you're not worthy in the present,
whatever it is, I'm in it with you, and I
gotta be honest with you. It kills me. It kills
(07:42):
me when I when I see you like this, and
when you go through these moments and you're not including me,
and you have to I'm telling you, guys operate differently.
You have to tell them in a loving way, not
a judgmental way, or not a nagging way, like like,
don't ever come to him and say, well you thinking
about her again, you're just leaving. You got kids with
(08:04):
me and and and I feel left out and I
feel not wanted. Don't do that. Just say I want
to talk to this. I want to talk about this,
and and find him sometime away from the kids, when
you guys can have some quiet time, maybe maybe at
dinner and you and you just say I want to
talk about this. I want to I want to dig
it up. I can't believe you. You gave him the
(08:25):
option to go back to her and reconcile like, that's amazing.
That's that's an amazing thing. That's that's that takes so
much courage and selflessness that you have offered that to him. Now,
what he does with that, I don't know. That's that's
in his court. And and we hope that, uh, if
he does take that option, that it's in a godly
(08:46):
way and a righteous way back to you. But uh,
but goodness, this is this is quite I don't think
I've ever gotten an email quite like this one, and
and I feel like there's a lot of hope in it.
I feel like there's a lot of hope for you guys,
And I feel good about the situation. I don't. I
don't feel good about where you are right now currently,
but I do feel good about the outcome because I
(09:07):
just think you are you're You're an incredible woman that
is seeing the big picture here. And he's going through
a season, and this season will pass and it's not
going to last forever, Like this isn't going to be
going on ten years down the road. He's still dealing
with this. This is a season, and I believe it's
a short season for him, and he's going through some
(09:28):
kind of some kind of period in his life where
he's he's doubting the decisions that he's made. And when
you start doubting the decisions you've made, you start feeling
less of a man, and you feel like that's why
he's telling his kids that I feel like I'm not
the good dad. Would you say you said he's condemning
(09:51):
himself for our children as not being having as good
a life as he had when he was younger. I mean,
that's that's guilt. Guilt is a thief and a liar,
and it's just corroding him from the inside. So continue
to lean in, continue to keep the communication open, don't nag,
Just love, love him, be there, give him some space
(10:11):
if he needs it, but also be available to talk
whenever he does. Don't give up on the marriage. That's
what I would say for now. Next question, subject line
says quick question about my faith. Hey Grangeer, my name's Mac.
I'm nineteen years old from Oregon. It says, the first off,
I want to say, I admire your love of Jesus
(10:33):
and how you're so open about your faith. He says,
I feel like my walk with Jesus is very staggered
and clumsy, I fall into old habits without realizing it,
and then I'm left with the same regrets. I have
a hard time growing my faith and making time for God.
I don't know if it's just me or the people
around me that I surround myself with. I'm in this
(10:55):
constant loop of envying the Christians that are confident in
and how in touch they are with God, and how
I want to be like them, and yet I don't
go to church or find the time to read the Word.
Although I don't think I would have to go to
church to be in touch with Him, I just think
it would be I would be better off to find
(11:15):
a church that I enjoy and connect with to grow
my faith. I'm also fairly new to reading the Word
and preaching what it writes. I'm not an insecure person
by any means, but when it comes to my faith,
I feel like I'm not involved as others are. I
know God forgives my sins because we are human, but
how do I grow my faith? Does it matter who
(11:36):
I surround myself with. Most of my friends are Christian,
but they never talk about God or their faith. I
know everyone's walk with God is different, and it all
happens with time. But I want to be devoted, a
devoted woman of God. I don't have a full understanding,
but I'm trying to get there. I just want to
live my life to Jesus, and I feel stuck in
a loop. I can't seem to find the right step
(12:00):
to take. And I'm kind of paraphrasing here, but how
do I break the fear of missing out? Anyway? Thank
you Granger for taking the time to read this. I
hope to come see you play in August when you
come to Roseberg. Great. So this question comes from Mac,
and Mac is a girl, and I didn't realize that
until halfway through. Mac, Yeah, let me dive into this.
(12:23):
It's it's a good question. You're not alone in thinking
any of this stuff. But I want to I want
to kind of pick at you a little bit. I
want to kind of poke at you. Okay, the first
thing I want to poke at because I want to
be I'm not going to say things that make you
feel good. I'm going to say things that I think
you need to hear and and and by saying that,
(12:45):
I want to I want to reject the idea of
you looking at other Christians like they are better than
you or have more than you, because that is false,
and I'm not one of them. We are all sinners. Okay.
The story the story of the Gospel. It's the story
of the hero slaying the dragon and getting the girl
(13:06):
in the end. That's the story of the Bible. That's
the story of Jesus slaying the dragon and getting the
girl in the end. But here's the catch. The girl
in the end that the hero gets is a prostitute.
We're not a queen like the church the bride or
the church the bride is a prostitute that is not
(13:28):
worthy of being saved by the dragon. But we're saved anyway,
all of us. Nobody is better than anybody else. Some
of us have a stronger faith. But faith itself is
a gift too that it's a gift to us. It's
not something we have grown on our own. It's something
(13:49):
that was given to us, and that understanding is a gift.
So because of that gift, and because we're all a prostitute,
we don't deserve any of it. And that leaves us
with nothing but praise that the hero slayed the dragon
that we couldn't ever defeat and saved us when we
(14:11):
weren't worthy of being saved. That's the love story here.
That's why this love story is so incredible because we
didn't deserve it, and everything is a gift. So I'm
going to dive in and I'm want to poke at
you here because you're telling me. You're telling me that
you're you're struggling, you're in a loop, you're not getting
(14:31):
any better, you're not growing your faith. But then you
straight up will tell me you don't go to church
or read the word. And so I've said, you know,
analogies on this podcast. It's like it's like a you know,
I've said this before. It's like a batter that playing
baseball that goes to the coach and says, I'm in
(14:52):
a slump. I can't hit anything. I'm in a loop.
I go up to bat and I strike out and
I cannot I can not get better at this. And
the coach says, okay, let me help you. Let me
let me help you. First of all, tell me what
you're doing. What are you doing to try to get
out of the slump. Are you practicing your swing at
(15:13):
a batting cage? No, are you videoing yourself and watching
your form and playing it back. No, are you you're
going out to the field and having somebody pitch to
you all the time and you're trying to work on
your curveball or your fastball. No, but you want to
(15:34):
get better at your swing. Yeah, I want to get
better at my swing. You see that, You see the disconnect, Like,
that's what you're telling me, And you say, although, here's
your here's your line. Although I don't think you have
to go to church to be in touch with him?
Do you not? Like? Where? Where does that? Where does that?
Where's that? In the Bible? You don't have to be
(15:55):
around other believers, you don't have to be in church.
Where does it say that? Because the church is the prostitute,
it is the bride. It's it's what he slayed the
dragon for, and so why did he slay the dragon?
It's it's like saying, if the church, if the church
(16:15):
is the bride of Christ, which is that's the analogy
the Bible makes, then it would be equivalent to what
you said. It's going up to one of your friends
that's married and saying, I really like you a lot,
I love you, but I can't I can't just can't
stand your husband. I don't like him very much. I
don't like him. I like you don't. Don't get me wrong,
(16:36):
I love you, but I just I don't care for
your husband. Like what would your friends say to that?
How would she react to that? I don't think she
would take that very well. And that's what you're saying.
And then the other thing I don't. I don't read
the word like that's the batting cage. You want to
get better at your swing, The word is your batting cage.
(16:57):
Like when you pray, you're you're you're sending your communication up.
But when you read the word, he's speaking back to
you through the word. So you're not reading it and
you're not going to church. I mean, I don't really
have to think about anything else in the email besides that.
(17:18):
Try and try that. Go to church, hey, even if
you don't want to, even if you've got I'm listen.
I just finished a book that's going to come out
next year. But I was, I was in your exact position,
So I'm not speaking down to you. I'm speaking as
a beggar telling another beggar where I found bread. Like
(17:40):
I'm no better, but I did get to eat and
let me show you where I found food. And so
many times it starts with going just going to church,
just showing up. You don't have to dress up. But
you know, I was always worried about, like, well, the
Cowboys are playing football and TV. I can't miss that,
or I'm traveling and I'm really tired. I stayed up
(18:01):
late last night at a concert. But you don't have
to want to go. You go because you need to go,
and yes, yes you need to go. You need to
show up. You need to hear what God has to
say that morning. And then you continue that on not
just Sunday morning, but on Monday you continue again, you
(18:22):
dive back into the word again. You go, God, what
I'm about to open this word, the inspired word by you,
the word that people, thousands of people died for so
that I could have this book, and I'm gonna read it.
I'm gonna se what you gotta say about it about
me today? What do you have to say to me?
Open my eyes, open my ears to the message that's
coming to me, because I'm gonna read it. So faith
(18:47):
is an action. It's an action. It's not work. Don't
work towards God. You don't have to do certain things
to get closer to him. But if you want to
be with him, get into the word, show up to
church on Sunday. In fact, let's take a break and
be right back. If you want to connect with me,
(19:12):
there's two really easy ways to do it. One you
could see me in person. Go to grangersmith dot com.
Click on the homepage. It says meet Granger on a
tab right there. Click it and find out how to
meet me at any place we're going this year, probably
all over, hopefully close to you. The second way is
cameo dot com slash granger Smith. You can get a
video shout out from me. It could be about an
(19:33):
anniversary or birthday, maybe just to pick me up a congratulations,
whatever it might be. I'll send you a personal video
from my phone saying what you need me to say.
Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith or download
the cameo app and search for me Grangersmith. All right.
(19:54):
Next question, subject CLIENTE says help for a friend. Hey,
I have a question about a friend of mine. A
little backstory. My friend got leukemia a couple years ago
and has really been changed by it since then. He
shut out most of his friends that he grew up with. Why.
I really don't know the reason. All I have to
say is I'm pretty much his only friend, and he's
complaining about being lonely, bored and having no social life,
but refuses to change any of that. How do I
(20:16):
encourage him to get out there and to do more
social events and make more friends. Whenever I talk to him,
he seems somewhat depressed and it's always complaining that he'll
never have a love since he's since he's twenty five
and only getting older. Hopefully this makes sense. Any input
would be appreciated. Thanks Harrison, Thank you Harrison, thanks for
the email. First of all, let's just say twenty five
(20:37):
mats young. That is super young. So what I want
to encourage you to do with this is work on
not trying to correct him and not trying to push
him into situations, social events, other girls, whatever, that Just
(21:01):
be there. Just just be there and just love him
as a brother, you know. Just he's been through leukemia
and you say something's changed, and you don't know what. Well,
I don't know what. I've never had leukemia and you
I don't think you have either, so we don't really
know what he went through, or how difficult that was,
or what kind of what kind of new perspective he
(21:24):
got new lens that he was able to look at
life with this idea of his own mortality like that
changes people. I would I would expect that would change
me or you. So I can't. I can't begin to
understand what he's going through. So me and you, we
don't have to, and we shouldn't. We just be there
to love him as a brother and to if he
(21:47):
doesn't have any friends, but you be that friend, pour
into him. Don't expect anything from him, lower your expectations
for what you need from him as a friend, and
instead pour into him everything. Pick him up dinner, go
pick him up to take him to the movies, go
do some fun stuff together. And if he doesn't want
to go, just go hang. Just go sit on the
(22:10):
couch and hang and just talk and do whatever you
gotta do. If he doesn't want to talk about leukemia
or friends or being lonely, change the subject, talk about
the new movie top Gun. I don't know, but just
pour into him. It's understandable that he's going through a
difficult time and that this time is probably going to
(22:31):
last several years. You can't control that. You can't control him,
you can't control his thoughts or emotions, but you can
control you and how you react to him. So pour
into him, blower your expectations of what you want from him,
and instead just give him everything. Be there for him,
(22:54):
take care of him, learn his love language. Is it
acts of service? Do stuff for him? Is it gifts?
Get them a couple of things every once in a while,
Bring them a hamburger? Is it words of affirmation? Go
sit on the couch with him and tell him that
you're an awesome dude today, not before leukemia, right now,
(23:14):
You're awesome. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Is
the quality time? Just go hang out with him, spend
time with him, learn who he is, pour into him.
That's what a friend does. Here's another question, subject line
chronic loneliness. Dear Grangeer, thanks for being awesome. I just
(23:35):
saw you for the first time live. I relocated to
Central Texas from Dallas to Dallas from Nashville from my
hometown in Ohio. I'm a strong independent woman that does
everything alone, including going to concerts, movies, sit down restaurants,
and traveling. This was fine until here. Recently, I started
getting bad looks from everyone around me. I'm twenty seven
(23:56):
years old and I've yet to make a friend. Any
advice for overcoming loneliness. I should introduce you to the
other guy that just got over leukemia, she says. I
have prayed for years for an answer. I've tried to
go into church to meet people, but I'm at a
weird age where everyone around me has friends, kids and families.
Thanks sincerely, Tests, Test, thank you for the email. Thanks
(24:19):
for being vulnerable and opening up with this. It's so
so Now we have the other side of loneliness. Now
we just talked about a friend that was dealing with it.
Now we have you that's in it, which is which
is interesting, right? I Mean if you put all these
emails together, we could see people are just hurting and
looking for answers and searching and wanting community, wanting to
be together and wanting to have friends. Like that's such
(24:42):
a such a big thing, and yet we just search
for it, like we're just digging for gold, and we
can't seem to find it sometimes. So reading your email,
the first thing I would do is to shed shed
this identity of strong, independent woman that does everything alone,
because I think you've correct me if I'm wrong, but
(25:05):
you've debunked that because you're not. This is now backfired
on you because now you're hurting with loneliness because you
have put on a facade of being a strong independent
woman that does everything alone, and you never had to
to begin with, and no one expected you to. You're not.
(25:27):
You don't have a better resume because you could write
I'm a strong independent woman that does everything alone. Like
I'm not going to pat you on the back for that,
because I'm not a strong independent man that does everything alone.
I can. You can, but and we like to sometimes,
and some people more than other times. But all of
(25:51):
us as humans, like we're tribal beast. We need community,
we need a gang. We want to be in a gang,
and we need our people. That's why we divide up politically.
Have you ever noticed that we divide up politically because
we love to be in tribes. Like I'm in this
tribe and I believe this, and so I'm gonna search
(26:11):
for other people in my tribe and I'll defend them
to the end, and I'll fight off the other guys
no matter what, because that's my tribe. And you say
something against me politically or emotionally, socially, whatever, and you're
going against my tribe. I will fight to the death
over this because you're causing harm to my people, to
(26:32):
my tribe, and that's what you want. You're twenty seven
and you're super young. I was single at twenty seven.
I didn't have a wife or kids or anything. So
me and you were on the same path. So I
understand seeing others and feeling like they're judging you because
they have a family, they're married, or they have friends.
(26:55):
But that's I could read plenty of emails where people
are having problems their marriages. I could read you the
email I just read right before this one where there's
a problem with friendship. So they're not better off. Trust me,
they're not better off because they're married or because they
have more friends than you. So there's no weird looks.
If anything, You're in a really good situation because you're
(27:18):
at the foundation level and you get to build everything
up like these other people have to do demo work
and tear down buildings and get back down to the
foundation and start over. But you you're only building up.
There's no demo work involved. Okay, that's a good place
to be. It's a lonely place, it could feel lonely,
but it's a really good place for the long term
(27:41):
because you're starting from scratch right now. So what I
usually say, you know, after you shed this identity and
after you shed the idea that people are look giving
you weird looks, like, stop thinking that. Stop thinking people
are giving you weird looks. I guarantee you people have
enough problem on their own with their own identity and
(28:02):
their own lives and their own relationships that they don't
really care how much you look different. Like you're reading
that wrong. Like people just people have too many issues
to really invest themselves in yours, even though it might
seem like it. So shed that, shed your independent woman identity,
(28:25):
and just pour into society. Go find a hobby that
you love. Pick something you love, anything, any group or
organization or game or sport or knitting, whatever it is,
Pour into that and go and find your people. Find
your tribe, and you will. You'll find your tribe. And
(28:45):
this is the place to find friends. This is where
you're going to find your friends. Okay, next question. This
is a kind of a lighthearted question. Subject line says
Chevy and petrol prices. Hey Grandeur, my name is Hans
from Norway. Have a question to you about American trucks.
I really love Chevy, Ford and GMC, but I feel
like some of them drink way too much gasoline. Which
type of truck should I buy right now? I have
(29:07):
a Chevy Suburban nineteen ninety five v. Eight five point
seven Leader. Thanks for your time, Hans hans Man. Anything
you get, anything is going to be better than your
Chevy Suburban. Uh from nineteen ninety five. I promise you anything,
So don't worry about that. Here're gonna be any of
these new trucks. Now, nothing is nothing is great, nothing
(29:29):
is given you a you know, there's nothing's better than
like a Prius if that's what you're looking for. And
I'm sure in Norway a lot more people drive lighter
cars that are that are a lot better than than trucks.
But you seem to be my kind of guy. You're
a country guy, and so uh, anything newer than nineteen
ninety five is going to be It's going to be
(29:50):
a lot better than your your Sevy Chevy Suburban. I
used to have one like that. By the way, A
nineties Chevy Suburban. It's really good. I'm going to move
on to one that it says husband has an addiction.
And I see this a lot, so I'm gonna read
this question. It says, what can I do to help
(30:12):
my husband he has a sex addiction. I don't know
how to help him. We've had a active sex life
as a married couple. We welcomed our fourth child together
and celebrated eight years of marriage. He used to attend
church with me and has a new job since that
has him working every Sunday and has kept him out.
He started joining groups on social media where people swap
(30:33):
nude photos. He was caught and I confronted him. He
claimed his account was hacked. He is always on porn
sites too. I've tried to explain to him what the
Bible says about it, and he doesn't understand how it's wrong.
It's deeply hurting me. Please help. Thanks Indiana Mom, oh man,
Indiana Mom. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability to
(30:58):
email this. This is painful. I'm sure it's it's incredibly
painful for you. I want to I want to look
at this in a couple different ways, because I see
I see porn addiction questions a lot on this podcast.
And there's two different kinds of of porn addiction. There's
(31:21):
the kind that, well, I'm just speaking for guys, not
girls right now, Okay. There's the kind that guys feel
remorseful and they feel stuck and sick to themselves that
they're in it, but they can't find a way out.
I get those questions a lot, A little less I
(31:43):
get your question. That's where the husband does not know
that it's wrong, it does not realize this is what
this is doing. And so for the first group, the
group of men, I want to I don't I know
you didn't ask it, but I want to kind of
addres it because because I get so many questions about it,
and and there is a I think a pretty solid
(32:06):
solution or remedy. I don't know if there's a solution
besides God, there's not, but here's a here's an earthly remedy. Okay.
For the first group that this is the men that
have an addiction to porn and they want to stop
because it's they know it's hurting them and their family.
I talked to a pastor friend of mine that has
(32:27):
counseled a lot of people in this and he told
me that there is a In fact, he texted me,
let me see if I can let me see if
he gave me an answer. Yes, okay, perfect, here it
is he he texted me back. There is a an
app called Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes at co O V
E n A N T Eyes and it's a you
(32:48):
can go to Covenant Eyes dot com or it looks
like there's also an app for your phone. And what
this does is it if you're if you're admitting that
you have a problem, you could sign up for this
app and it literally takes your IP address and it
monitors your search activity on your phone and your computer
and whatever else you have digital and it will it
(33:11):
knows when you go to a porn site or something
that's subjective like this, and it will send who it
will send your information to whoever you tell it to
send it to. So when you sign up for the app,
you could put your mother in law as the recipient,
or your wife or your mother, or your sister, or
(33:32):
your best friend or your pastor whatever. You put someone
in there as your as your your guardian recipient, your
accountability partner. And if you go to one of these sites,
it sends the information to your mother, so your mother
gets it, gets a log of what sites that you
(33:53):
went to that were compromising, Like that's that's pretty good.
Like that, I think that's a really that's a really
good tool in the tool shed if you're trying to
get away from this. If you know, if I type
in this website, it's sending it the information to my
mother in law, Like that's that's terrifying. That's terrifying, And
(34:13):
I think it's a great Using that kind of fear
for yourself is great. That being said, let's get back
to your question. Indiana, Mom, you are you're in the
middle of the fire right now. And the problem is
the problem is not the porn. That's obvious, like that's
(34:35):
we're all sinners. So the problem that he's doing these
weird websites where you share nude photos and he's looking
at porn, that's not that's not the problem. That's one
of thousands of sinners problems that we share. The problem
is his unrepentant heart. The problem is he's not seeing
(34:58):
that it's wrong. He's not seeing that it's damaging you
and him. So so we have to think of a
different solution for you, Indiana Mom. So I would say,
first of all, this might be an obvious question, but
I have to start here. Have you talked to him
(35:19):
about this in a non judgmental way? Similar to this
first question I had where the guy was having problems
still thinking about his ex girlfriend. Similar to that, are
you talking opening communication with him in a loving way,
not nagging? Not what are you doing? And we have
(35:40):
four kids? You're ruining us? Are you saying, babe? Can
I talk to you about something? Do you know that
I love you? And do you know that it hurts
my heart to know that you're doing this and not
to me, or not to yourself, or not to our
(36:01):
four kids, but ultimately to God. Do you know that
you're doing this? Can you can you try to see
that this is I know you say it's not wrong,
but can you try to see that it's really hurting me?
As you said in your email, it's hurting me deeply.
I can't sleep at night. It really hurts me. And
(36:26):
do you know do you know this? And for him
to have that kind of realization that he's hurting you, like,
that's different, right, It's different that he just he's trying
to skate around the fact that this is not wrong.
It's different. Maybe if he knows he's actually hurting you,
he's he's abusing you in a way, emotionally abusing you.
(36:50):
Does he know that? Have you told him that in
a non judgmental, non naggy way. Let's start with that.
And then the second thing is that the hard thing
is the church thing. He's working. He can't go to
church when we know that having him around other godly
(37:10):
men that keep him accountable will lead him back ultimately
through God. And anybody that's dealing with sin it's oblivious
that it's a problem. We have to immediately get accountability
around them. Because slipping up and falling into something bad
(37:31):
is that's one thing, But usually we expect to correct
that quickly and be able to move out of it, like,
oh gosh, I can't believe I fell into that, and
I've got to get myself back on the right path.
I got to get myself corrected. But when you're not
having that kind of repentant heart, that's what I'm talking about.
When I say that that sounds like a religious word, repentant,
(37:55):
it's just it's a remorseful heart. Like, if you're not
feeling remorse that you're hurting your wife, that's a problem.
So love him, don't give up on him, don't consider
divorcing him. Don't get a wondering eye this. So many
times I've read other emails where this is where the
cheating starts with the wife because she's like, well, he's
(38:17):
looking at he's looking at porn, and I kind of
you know, this neighbor down the road is talking sweet
to me. So if he's going to be doing that,
he's already done this damage. I'm just going to go here,
So don't do that, Like, that's not the answer. Love him,
don't nag him. Continue going to church, continue taking your
kids to church, and show him through that example that
(38:41):
you are a changed woman and that it's affecting you
and that you feel part of a community and you
feel loved. And at first he might have a little
bit of jealousy towards that, like why is my wife
loving this church so much? Like why is she getting
so much fulfillment from that? And then hopefully that that
jealousy into curiosity, and he's like, maybe I should go,
(39:03):
Like maybe I should pick a Sunday and go with
her because she seems like she's getting so much from this.
What he's going to get out of this that he
doesn't know is he's going to get so much more
fulfillment when he leaves it. But the problem is he's
in it because that's where he's getting fulfillment. It's like
hitting that little endorphin in him. It's hitting that dopamine
(39:32):
and he's satisfying that this little dopamine loop. But he
doesn't know that there's something way greater, way more satisfying.
The dopamine is nothing compared to this. Right, lean into him,
don't give up on him, Surround him with accountability, and
you in the meantime, keep going to church. Let's hit
(39:53):
one more here, says Relationship Troubles. Hey Granger, my name
is Rhet. I've been listening to your music and your
podcast for a long time. I'm eighteen years old. I
need your advice. I've been with my girlfriend for almost
two years now and it's gotten rocky. We fight quite
a bit, and when it does it lasts for a
couple of days. We both cry and really hard. She
blames the fights on me, and I know I could
(40:14):
be a problem, but sometimes she gets super manipulative and
tries to guilt me. I love her, but I feel
stuck when we aren't fighting. Our relationship is great. I'm
just not sure how to fix the fighting. I want
your opinion. Thanks Granger. Rehet Rhett, you're eighteen. You're in
a rocky relationship with extreme times of fighting. I've been
(40:36):
there before in that, I've been there, and it's very rare.
Rhet hear me. It's very rare for this to turn
out well, very rare for you to be in this
relationship that fights all the time and then one day
(41:00):
figure out a solution on how to not fight, and
she agrees with the solution, and then you just don't
fight and it's good. That is extremely rare. What I'm
trying to tell you is this relationship probably not gonna work.
It's amazing when certain people get together and they just
(41:21):
don't work well together. We all have that person. It
doesn't have to be a relationship. We have friends like
that or co workers like that. Certain personalities come together
and it's like fire and ice. Sometimes it's just incredible,
and then the other half of the time it's just hideous.
(41:41):
Typically that just doesn't work. Typically you're going to come
to a point, and I'm predicting this already. You're going
to come to a point where the fighting outweighs the
love and you're going to go, you know what, I
just can't do this anymore. It's weighing me down. I
love you. I think the times that are great are awesome,
(42:05):
but the fights are just too much. And I'm not
blaming you. I'm equally to blame in this. But it's
amazing when we get out of that and you finally
break that off and you go find somebody else. It's
crazy how you could find someone else that doesn't bring
out that bad side of you. Because yes, you're blaming yourself,
and you should, and I blame myself for these relationships.
(42:28):
It's fifty to fifty. But it's amazing when you meet
somebody else and you realize I'm not that bad guy anymore.
Like I don't have that tendency to fly off the
handle and to get angry. I don't have that tendency
to nag or to be hurtful back. I just want
a lover. It's crazy. You didn't change, but the person
(42:54):
that you're with, that new dynamic, the new chemistry is
just different. And you'll find that. So I got to
tell you, Rhett, you're either going to drag this out
for a year or another two years. You're going to
do that, or you're going to realize soon the fighting's
(43:14):
not worth it. Life is too short. I'm eighteen, I
have so much life ahead of me, so much more
to figure out in relationships, and I've just spinning my
wheels in this fighting relationship right now. Now, you're going
to be heartbroken when this happens, because when you break
up with her, I'm hoping you do. When you break
up with her, the good memories will instantly outweigh the bad,
(43:38):
and you'll forget about the fights, and you'll forget about
how bad they were, and you'll go back to her.
You'll rebound right back to her and it'll be great
for a week, and then the first fight starts again
and then you remember, oh yeah, now I remember while
we broke up because she's crazy and I'm fifty percent
(43:58):
crazy on my side, and so you'll break up again.
This could happen like three times. I'm telling you, I'm
predicting your future. And then finally, after the last heartbreak,
whether it's two or three times, you'll move on. It'll
get easier. The heartbreak will slowly, slowly diminish over months
(44:19):
of time, you'll start feeling better. You'll meet somebody new.
You'll get scared because you think that this jackal and
hide's about to come out. And then with the new person,
if it's the right one, you think, huh, I'm a
lot better now. I think I've changed and you really didn't.
(44:39):
It's just the new chemistry. Thank you all for your emails.
We'll see you next Monday. IIG thanks for joining me
on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.
You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that
little like button and notification spell so that you know
(45:00):
ever miss anytime I upload a video. If you have
a question for me that you would like me to answer,
email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Ye
Host
Granger Smith
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