November 21, 2023 • 43 mins
The holiday season is officially here! 'Tis the season for joy, cheer, and, well… managing the chaos that is family gatherings.
Looking for ways to survive the next couple of months while navigating these complicated dynamics? We’ve got your back. In this episode of “Grown-Up Stuff: How to Adult,” Molly and Matt chat with Dr. George James (LMFT), founder of George Talks and host of the podcast LEAPcast, about how to actually enjoy the holidays with our families.
Learn how to successfully navigate the holidays with family as an adult (especially when transitioning from being seen as a kid to asserting yourself as a grown-up). Arm yourself with tips on how to step away from potentially harmful discussions. Set yourself up with a support system, set healthy boundaries, and more!
Sources Cited:
- “Season of Joy? Actually, Season of Stress for 88 Percent of Americans” - Perrigo Company via PR Newswire
- “9 Causes of Holiday Stress (and How to Manage Them)” - Lyra Health
- “The Importance of Setting Boundaries: Ten Benefits for You and Your Relationships” - BetterHelp
- “6 Ways to Stop Comparing Around the Holidays” - TalkSpace
- “Mental Health and the Holiday Blues” - National Alliance of Mental Illness
The Bear Television Series, Season 2, Episode 6 “Fishes” FX/Hulu
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
The holiday season is officially upon us. This means parties,
twinkling lights, crisp chill in the air, matching pajamas, brightly
colored decorations, and a million broken promises about my diet
because your girl loves a side dish and a festive cocktail.
For some of us, it also means a lot of
(00:23):
family gatherings, and sometimes that family time comes with a
lot of stress and anxiety. In a survey commission by
the Parigo Company, more than fifteen percent of respondents admitted
that participating in general conversation with family stresses them out.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And listen.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
If you're someone who has a completely easy relationship with
all of your family, I say good for you. I
celebrate you and your healthy boundaries. However, that's not everyone's family.
Some of us like to spend these family filled holidays
hiding in the pantry with a bottle of wine and
the rest of the creamed spinach, dodging questions about our
(01:02):
love lives, and avoiding explaining to your older relatives what
is a podcast and how does one make a living
doing that?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
But I digress.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
According to Lara Health, navigating family conflict is one of
the biggest stressors during the holiday season, and it's no wonder.
You get a bunch of people in a room who
potentially have nothing in common other than blood and a
shared genealogical history, and you sprinkle in some awkward conversations
with misguided intentions and add a splash of family beef
older than your cousin's marriage, and it's a recipe for
(01:35):
anxiety pie. The older we get, the more complicated these
relationships become. We go from being the waddling toddlers dependent
upon the adults around us, two angsty teenagers embarrassed by
everything our family members do or say, to adults who
are fighting to be seated as equals among the aging
(01:57):
grown ups. So how can we plan ahead this year,
set healthy boundaries, establish our adulthood, and actually enjoy the
holidays with our families? Start taking notes, because this.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Is grown up stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
A Happy Turkey day to one and all, and welcome
to another episode of grown Up Stuff, How to Adult,
the show where we learn about grown up concepts like
regression and therapy. As always, I am Molly and I'm
joined by my co host Matt Stillo. And if you
are listening to this episode the day it's released, then
it is the eve of Thanksgiving Eve, or drinks Giving
(02:37):
Eve to many. Matt's Happy almost Turkey Day to you,
my friend. Do you have any big Turkey Day plans?
Speaker 4 (02:43):
Well, like many people who have family across the country,
we're not doing anything too big for Thanksgiving. We'll be
spending more time with family and friends over the Christmas
and New Year's holidays. But my sister is coming over
joining my wife and I in taking a new spin
on some Thanksgiving classics in the kitchen, so we're looking
forward to that.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (03:00):
What about you? Wow?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Wow, Wow, that sounds perfect similarly to you. Even though
I'm not spending things Giving with most of my family,
I'll be spending Christmas with them, and I'm already preparing
for those moments of what my therapist likes to label
as regression. Oh, those scenarios where someone in my family
does something to infuriate me and I hit a boiling
rage that I have not experienced since I was sixteen
(03:24):
years old and my parents grounded me for getting a
sea in chemistry.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So I am.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Also the youngest among my siblings, so I'm constantly battling
being seen as an adult in my family. But Matt
you know enough about me and my family issues, what
about you? Because I imagine the Stillo family holiday to
be charades and laughter by the fire with everyone in
matching pajamas.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Like, am I painting an accurate picture here?
Speaker 5 (03:51):
It's not that it's I hate that a little bit.
I'm glad, but that we're not like that. I feel like,
whenever you see those Christmas cards, you're like, no, come on,
that's not real. This is not real.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
No, we are not a Hallmark family, and honestly, who
would want to be? That sounds kind of boring. No,
We've got some big personalities in my family. We've got
some big political divides that can boil to the surface
from time to time, depending on how many drinks we've had,
what time of day it is, the conversation at hand.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
But we have a lot of fun too.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
We decorate the house, we make delicious food, we sit
around and watch National Lamput's Cristification. So we're just like
you know, every other typical American family.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, And I'm so glad that we're talking
about this right now because this, all of this, the
family dynamics during the holidays, is exactly what we are
going to dig into with our guests.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Yeah, today we're going to navigate the holidays with our
families like adults, and doctor George James is here to
help us do just that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Doctor James is a licensed marriage and family therapist who
counsels people on how to overcome everyday relational struggles.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
With a master's degree in family therapy and a doctorate
in clinical psychology, Doctor James is also so an assistant
professor for the Couples and Family Therapy Program at Thomas
Jefferson University.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
He has counseled professional athletes, entertainers, men, women, couples, executives,
and more on topics like adulting, career development, anxiety, parenting,
and so much more, and has appeared on The Today
Show CNBC and quoted in huff Post and Ebony.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
He also hosts the podcast leap Cast, where doctor James
explores the unexamined human moments with his very successful guests.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Doctor George James, Welcome to grown up Stuff, How to Adult.
We are so glad to have you here.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
I am excited to be here. Thank you both for
this opportunity just to share and talk with you both.
And so this is going to be a good time.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Oh, it's going to be a good time.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
There might be tears, there might be laughter hiding tears.
We're here for all of it because today we are
talking through how to survive the holidays with our family
like adults, and how to establish ourselves as adults in
a family that has only seen us as little kids.
So we're this out two days before Thanksgiving, so a
lot of us are getting into that emotional preparation mode.
(06:06):
They're putting the boundaries up, they're putting the emotional armor on.
How can we best prepare ourselves before we even head
to our families' homes so that we can make the
most out of these holiday experiences and we can actually
enjoy them.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
Get you know, I think this is just awesome, the
thought of like being able to think about what it
means to go home for the holidays or to prepare
yourself for it. I don't remember doing that. I don't
remember having anyone to help me do that. I just
remember going home and just being in the middle of it.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
So time to prepare beforehand is probably the key.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Yes, yes, very much so. And I think some of
this is just being able to think about what does
home really mean for me? Or what is that experience? Like,
you know, who am I going to talk to, what's
going to be the awkward moments, what's going to feel great?
Who do I miss? Who's going to hug me too much?
What is overwhelming? And what do I want to do?
(07:02):
What are the things that when they say it or
when it comes up, it's going to be a trigger
for you, or it's going to be overwhelming, or it
just blows up and becomes the worst thing ever. And
I think like if you can know that, then you
know when it's time to tap out, when it's time
to say, like, hey, let me call a friend, or
let me go do something else, or let me go
(07:23):
clean whatever it is that you need to do to
escape that moment. But once again, thinking about it ahead
of time is so important because if we don't, what
we tend to do is we end up reacting. Right,
So what we're trying to get to is the ability
to have a response versus a reaction. When we're in
the moment, we just react. It's so fast, it's so quick,
and usually those reactions aren't always the best. But if
(07:47):
we can have a response, meaning that we think about
it we're clear about what we want to do or
what we hope to do, we know when those trigger
areas are we can probably make the best decision for
us and the situation.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Yeah, So it could be as simple as like, you know,
your parents really want you to be in a relationship
but really pushing to get married, and that's something that's
it's difficult for you, or you're not you don't want
to talk about it. Maybe it's as simple as setting
that text beforehand, like Hey, you know, I'm coming up
for the holidays. I'm excited to see you guys, but
like just you know, like my personal relationship, my personal life.
You know that that's something that I'm not ready to
talk about this year, and I would appreciate maybe your
(08:20):
your respect in that area, and that can kind of
just set those boundaries in place and then you won't
get into those those difficult situations.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I so hope. So, I mean, Matt, what you just
brought up is so great, And you know, families tend
to be pretty pushy.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
So I was just gonna say, what do you do
about the family who thinks your reactions are funny and
thinks your boundaries are funny?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Right? You're so cute. Yeah, tell me what's happening with
your love life?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, uh huh right.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Seriously, I do agree though, that boundaries are so important
and necessary. I think that if you can let your
family know ahead of time, like you mentioned, that's really great.
What usually needs to happen, and this is across the
board with our family, with our friends, with our partner,
or whoever it might be, we usually need to let
them know our boundaries multiple times, so we can tell
(09:08):
them ahead of time. Hey, I can't wait to be home.
I just want you to know my love life is
off limits this holiday, or I'm not going to be
talking about it, or I'm okay. And then when you
actually get home, you got to say it again. You
got to remind them of the boundary, because what happens
is that they'll keep asking you and eventually you say,
all right, I'm dating or I'm not dating, leave me alone.
(09:30):
And so you just got to be consistent with reminding
your family with boundaries.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
According to the online therapy service Betterhealth, boundaries are rules
we set for our bodies, emotions, time, belongings, and relationships,
and are not rules about how someone else should act
or live. So we can say to our parents, I'm
not going to answer your questions about when I'm getting
married or having a baby, or why I'm still single,
because that's controlling what we do and we're not telling them.
(10:05):
You need to start focusing on your own life and
not mine. Setting boundaries can be challenging if we've never
had to do it before with our family, Taking time
to reflect on your needs and your triggers before you
set those boundaries can be a really good first step.
As we take this time ahead of these gatherings to
reflect and set our boundaries. It's also important to reflect
(10:26):
on how we manage our own expectations for the holidays
and what influences maybe creating unrealistic standards.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
A lot of people say is in the social media age,
comparison is a theft of joy. You see people's lives
out there and comparing it to your own can kind
of like make you feel horrible.
Speaker 5 (10:44):
You know.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
I think another huge trigger for this time of year
is like everyone has these unrealistic Maybe it's too many
Hallmark movies, but everyone has unrealistic expectations of how the
holidas are supposed to go, and it's never ever like that,
So now, how can we like go into the holidays,
maybe setting realistic expectations like what is the best like
(11:05):
mechanism for you know, letting things be what they will be.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
So far, right, we're really talking about the outside, what
do you need to do to really prepare others for
where you are? What you're saying now is what do
we need to do to prepare ourselves internally? Because yeah,
sometimes we have to recognize that we are struggling. While
we don't want to talk about our love life is
because internally we're like it sucks, and so we start
(11:30):
to compare, and internally I'm already feeling maybe jealous, maybe upset,
maybe sad, maybe overwhelmed. And yes, social media, Hallmark movies.
I think there are those things of recognizing that what
we see on the outside, what we see with other
people is not always perfect. It's always what they want
(11:50):
to show us, and therefore we do the same thing.
And to recognize that our life doesn't have to be perfect.
We just don't want it to be unhealthy.
Speaker 4 (11:59):
I feel like the thing that that helps me is
that I've clocked in years of like I'm like, oh man,
this isn't going the way I wanted to go, or
like I was hoping they would have like some big
conversation with my parents and we would really like open
each other up and like get into some you know,
fun memories or whatever, and it you know, that has
happened sometimes. But I think I come back to this
idea of like actually having zero expectations is kind of
(12:19):
the best way to go about it. Like maybe it's
not going to be magical, and maybe it's not going
to be x y and Z, but it is going
to be time with family and that that in and
of itself, if it's good, if it's bad, whatever is
is something to be thankful for.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Yeah, sometimes we don't know how magical those things and
those moments are until we leave or until we lose it.
And so being able to really lean into that, it's like, hey, yeah,
my family's a little quirky, they're a little weird, and
if I'm really honest, I'm a little quirky and I'm
a little weird and that's just who we are. And
if we can embrace that and enjoy and then when
(12:53):
we go back to school or to work, we might
start to realize, you know, that's my weird and quirky family.
The other thing I will say to add to that
is sometimes it's okay to try to be the change.
And what I mean by that is like to have
that magical moment. Might mean maybe I introduced the new
board game they have no idea about it. For instance,
(13:15):
for some reason, that game Heads Up has been one
of those like classic hits in our family, right, And
it's like, without a doubt, whenever we take the phone
and put up and then you got to guess what
it is like somebody's going to say something that's just
ridiculous and we're all gonna laugh. So be okay or
willing to introduce some things to your family.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
It makes me think about that, like to get something
you've never had before, you've got to do something you've
never done. And maybe it is as simple as introducing
a new tradition, a new family tradition, to kind of
shake things happen.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yeah, I think that's great. You know, my mom always
said you have to meet people where they're at. Is
it bad to set lower expectations for the people and
your family too, and their own behavior.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
I think sometimes we got to be honest, you know,
sometimes we think that there is this point that will
come back and they'll just be different. That whatever time
in between they went through intense therapy or rehab, or
they read the book that made them change their whole philosophy,
and you know, just overall, change just doesn't happen overnight.
(14:19):
And even if they are on the road to being different,
we still have to offer some patients and some grace
and can we actually see the difference. Can we recognize,
you know what, they were more erratic or more angry,
or they drank more last year than this year. Because
I think like if we are able to even mention that, hey, mom,
(14:40):
I see that you've been doing this change or working
on that, they might actually appreciate that. They might actually
welcome that in some way, not in an embarrassing or
condescending way, but just in a way of like, I
see you trying. I think that could actually help in
the whole process. So not even lowering your expectations, but
have some realistic expectations with some encouragement. I think that
goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
You hit on something that we definitely want to talk about.
Of the drinking of it all. The entire environment is
just loaded with triggers left and right, and we could
tend to imbibe maybe.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
More than we expected.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
What are some other ways we can kind of a
keep track of that and find other healthier outlets when
we are triggered.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Yeah, a large part of that comes with like self awareness,
the self awareness meaning like what is happening with me?
What emotions or feelings am I experience in and sometimes
we just we're just clueless about that, And we're also
unaware that when we go home, we tend to regress, right, like, yeah,
we're going home as a twenty eight year old, as
(15:44):
a thirty three year old, as a twenty five year
old in age, but when we actually show up, we're
an eight year old, a nine year old.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Truer words to me. Let me just tell you just
the way he speaks to me, exactly right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Our behavior is just like that, or even like a
sixteen year old, right where we feel like we can
have some autonomy and some responsibility, but yet our parents
are still telling us what to do. That struggle, that's
what we feel, and so we feel that we then
get triggered by that. But once again, we're in body,
We're a twenty eight year old, so we're legal, and
(16:19):
what do we do with that emotion? We drink or
we drink some more. And what do they do with
that emotion? They drink and they drink some more. So
I think a lot of it comes back to self
awareness of Hey, I know, I get triggered, I start
to regress in age, I start to do some things,
and maybe I can find other alternatives. And truthfully, that's
probably what they need to do as well too, because
(16:41):
they are feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm back to
parent and a teenager and this was stressful for me too,
and I'm going to drink because I don't want to
feel this anymore.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Wow, this is telling me a lot about my family
dynamic and maybe that it's me.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Hi, I'm the problem. It's me.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
What are other activities can they maybe engage in that
are a bit healthy, can help the situation as opposed
to hurt it.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
I would encourage everybody make sure you have a session
with your therapist before you leave. Right talk to your
therapist or your coach or whoever provides wisdom and advice
to you in your life. Now. If you don't have
that person, that's the first thing you need to do.
You need to find someone in your life that provides wisdom,
someplace that you can talk or communicate about some of
(17:24):
these things. And yes, ideally I would encourage that to
be a therapist, but that could also be someone else,
So that would be the first thing I would suggest.
Then when you're there, have things that you can do.
Do you take a deep breath, do you go for
a walk, do you call someone, do you read something,
do you go and just center yourself in terms of
like mindfulness of just saying these are my loved ones,
(17:47):
these are people who care about me, I have one
more day left. Whatever you need to do that will
help you to get to that next phase or place
could sometimes be helpful. I know lots of people who
will say, you know what, I need to go for
a workout, I need to go for a run, I
need to call my best friend, I need to call
my partner. There's so many options. Don't get stuck in
(18:08):
then the routines that you've had from before that might
be unhealthy.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
Yeah, I actually am.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
I came across something really really wonderful in researching for
this episode, and it plays into this whole regressing thing.
And because this is something I've definitely felt going home
because I live in New York and I don't have
a car, and so when I go home, I'm really
like at the best of my parents, like my parents
will pick me up from the airport. And so what
I came across is people saying, how can you reclaim
(18:35):
that control? So, if you are entering a situation where
like you can start to regress or feel like your
parents or your parents again, how can you reclaim the control?
In one of the ways that people were talking about
dealing with this is get there early, like rent a car,
if you have the means to rent a car, like
rent a car, make sure that you show up at
your parents' house on your terms. This is something that
you think people could benefit from.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I think definitely. I think a lot of that is,
you know, once again thinking ahead, recognizing that like, hey,
when I get home now, I'm going to have to
like negotiate how can I use the car, And they're
going to like go back to be home by eleven.
I'm like, I'm a grown adult. I'm not trying to
be home by eleven, right. But but once again, when
we turn the situation around, some of it is like Okay,
(19:19):
our parents still care about our safety. They still want
to make sure that we are home. So it's how
do we negotiate that? And I think like whatever way
that you can find some autonomy there, that's great, but
also be willing to talk about it. And you might
need to negotiate some of that because maybe mom, dad, whoever,
wanted to do some of the rituals that you've always
(19:40):
done the traditions. Lean into that, but also let them
know I'm also creating new traditions. We're going to have
Thanksgiving and then we're gonna have friends given we're going
to do something else, and that allows them to know
what to expect.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
It's great advice. So we've talked about how we can
plan ahead. But so let's just say that we've thought
all about this, we've sided you know, okay, cool, Like
we've got our plan and we're in and then you're
you're in and you're with your family and some difficult
situations arise, maybe it's a family member that you're clashing with.
Do you have any advice for people who like do
find themselves like in the moment of dealing with maybe
(20:16):
a difficult family member.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Yeah, I think that comes back to like once again,
family culture. You know, for some families, an argument is
like the rights of passage, like that's just what we
do right, not in a way that we're like being
hurtful or yelling in a negative way. But you know,
maybe it gets a little passionate. If that's your family,
then maybe that's what it's normal, and you can engage
(20:38):
in that way. But if it gets a place where
it's like, okay, no, this is really causing some difficulty
or some harm or I don't really like this, you
find a way out. You can easily say I don't
want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the topics?
Those are nice polite ways you could decide to say,
you know what I'm done, and not further engage. I
think that's what I see sometimes with people is that
(20:59):
you know you're at your point. You know you could stop,
but you keep going. Right, if you stop talking, for
the most part, the other side will stop talking to
Now some of them they might have a little bit
more left in the tank, but give them some time
and they will stop talking. But when you keep engaging,
if you keep going, it's not gonna stop. So sometimes
(21:20):
being able to take that break can be a way out.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
I do think that like a lot of the times
when you when you keep going when you're it's because
you're searching for something, like I just really need to
understand me, Like I'm trying to get to the core
of what this bridge, this divide is between us, and
sometimes I think you kind of have to recognize that,
like you're not going to get that necessarily, that it's
they are who they are, you are who you are,
and that sometimes understanding can be maybe a bridge too far.
(21:45):
But is there ways to find common ground with these
people or is that just a lost cause.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
I definitely think there's ways to find common ground and
for people to understand who you are once again, like, well,
how long have you been away from your family? Has
it been a year, five years, ten years, twenty years
where you have developed and grown and become more of
who you are. They don't necessarily know that. The way
they get to know that is through these conversations, through
the games, through their activities, and yes, even in the
(22:12):
tension and conflict, they get to know more of who
you are. So that's what helps with the common grounds. Like, oh, okay,
I didn't realize that that's not who you are and
what your perspective might be. But the other part, though,
is that we can't convert them on those really big
polarizing situations, we can't necessarily convert them. And I think
(22:36):
sometimes that's what we're trying to do, where we realize
we are all the way on the other side of
the spectrum and we want them to lean into our
side and they want us to lean on their side,
and that's just not going to happen. We either are
going to get to a place where we can respect each
other hopefully, or we get to the place where we're
just not going to talk about it because it's going
(22:56):
to blow up.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Another thing I think is really helpful is, you know,
sometimes you can get in your own head like am
I just crazy? Like is it just me feeling this way?
And it can be really really important to have someone
in your life, if it's like a family ally or
at least a friend maybe back home, someone you can
text you and just kind of to validate your feelings,
because I think a lot of times, like we can
(23:17):
drive ourselves crazy thinking that we're like, you know, like
what is my problem or what is But sometimes like
you are really validated, Like sometimes like your family is
really difficult. Are there any other things like I don't know,
like practicing positive affirmation or not taking things too personally?
Like do you have any other advice for people who
really are struggling?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Yeah, all the above. And I love the ally part
because usually there's somebody in the family that gets you,
you know, like after a situation, you might say like, hey,
was was I off? Did I come into hot? Like
what was going on there? And they might give you
some perspective.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Yeah, I'll call you out to be honest, because sometimes
a lot of this is like looking internally and going,
you know.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
Maybe I'm not a thing. Maybe maybe I'm as Molly said,
you know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Yeah, And you know, honestly, a lot of times it
is a lot of times we don't realize like hey
I have changed or I have a perspective, or like
oh my gosh, my family is like they're like so outdated,
I need to fix them, and we don't realize that.
We come in with that mindset, that energy, that position
that can sometimes antagonizing a little bit all the way.
(24:26):
So being aware of what position do we say things
do we come off as like higher than others, do
we come off as better than others versus I'm just
trying to share my point, And so we do need
to pay attention to ourselves and how we approach the
conversation because sometimes that could really change the result.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
I happen to be the youngest in my family by
a fair amount of years, so my entire family has
always seen me as the baby and is like, I
don't have so much the problem, like, oh, you're trying
to be like talk down to me, but where they
still see me as a child and they don't take
my opinion with any weight. I still at teas like
the youngest sister all the time. But how do we
(25:04):
establish ourselves as an adult when we've always been sitting
at the kids' table, sometimes by ourselves for years.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Yeah, we get these labels and sometimes by birth order
or by the things that we've done, and it can
stick with us. Some of it is like okay, how
do we lean into that? Right? So, sometimes being the youngest,
maybe people realize I might provide a fresh perspective, or
I might bring some energy, or I might be willing
(25:34):
to do it in a different way. Sometimes we can
embrace that. Other times it might be okay, they're not
going to see me differently, and realizing that doesn't mean
my opinion, our thoughts are not important. I just realized
they're just not going to hear it. Oftentimes, you know,
even in the ways that people do work, you can
be an expert in your particular field in a particular space,
(25:56):
but when it's at home or people you know don't
see you as an expert because.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
They don't even know what you do for a living.
They're still asking you, how's the blog going exactly?
Speaker 3 (26:07):
And so sometimes we might need either somebody else to
validate what we do, maybe a family member that we trust. Hey,
you know Molly, that's a great point, or Molly knows
what to do here. Sometimes that can help. Or then
sometimes it's being able to just recognize I'm going to
be a benefit to other people, but maybe not my family.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
We'll be right back with more grown up stuff how
to adult after a quick break, and we're back with
more grown up stuff how to adult.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
A lot of hims during the holidays, we can stack
stressful situations on top of each other. So maybe if
being with your family is stressful enough, then things like
cooking a major meal together can can add even more,
even more stress. You know, what are your tips of
you know, during the holidays, everyone fed without a nervous
breakdown happening.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
It goes back to like what your tradition might be.
I don't know if you all have seen the show
The Bear.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yes, are you talking? Are we talking seven fishes?
Speaker 5 (27:14):
Are we talking?
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Seven fish?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I have a questions cousin Michelle's friends Stephen is he gay?
Speaker 5 (27:21):
Is who gay? Mom My, Mama? Why are you in
the seven Fishes thing? Nobody ever to Stephen?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Is he gay? I mean he seems kind of gay.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
You know, he's already and I mean I love him
and everything.
Speaker 5 (27:29):
But he's gay.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
I think I think that episode just talks so much
about like what family dynamics may be, right, like who's
really preparing the meal, who's helping? But what is it
really about, Like what what are these dynamics that are there?
And how do we do it? And then there's a
chaos of like you know, people yelling at each other,
cursing at each other, drinking, and you know, we might
(27:51):
say like, oh, that's just one family. No, that's actually
representative of lots of families. So when you stack multiple
things I think some of it is what can you
do to lower your stress? First of all, right, it
might be this is not the right way to go
with it, but I'm just gonna go ahead and just
do my part. Or as we mentioned before, I'm going
(28:12):
to introduce some things. Hey, uh, you know I got
our tickets and I got us a car service or
I got us whatever it is that you know is
the main stressful area. If you can eliminate or lower that,
that might also be helpful. And you know, going back
to the bear, sometimes we got to navigate personalities and
(28:33):
we got to know what to say and how to
say it, because if you come in and as if
you're trying to take over, that might not go well,
But if you're trying to assist, that might work. And
so really paying attention to those things and those themes, morn.
Speaker 5 (28:47):
I need you to check the frends.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
You know.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I feel like that was a shotguard.
Speaker 5 (28:50):
Why this is why I didn't want to come home
this why fuck you?
Speaker 3 (28:54):
What would whatever?
Speaker 5 (28:58):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
What? I am so glad you brought up the bear
because I think that is kind of the situation a
lot of people are going to be navigating, yes, and
what happens when we get to the point where we're like,
I kind of want to take over hosting and cooking
the meal from my parents. So these two things where
we want to really shift the roles of our parents
and ourselves. What's the best way to address those two scenarios?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Even in our own family, when my wife and I
got married, or you were thinking about the holidays and
it was actually for us, holidays were important and in
different ways, and we were going back and forth and
how we wanted to do it, and what we did
was we decided to host, and thankfully everybody was really
open to that and it became the new tradition in
the family. It became the place that people want to come.
(29:43):
So sometimes it's by saying, you know, maybe in advance,
hey next year, can I host, or I would like
to host, or can we develop a system, can we rotate?
You know, maybe it's through the siblings, And if it's
maybe an advance and not sprung up like two days before,
then there might be an oppportunity to do that and
even be able to say, hey, you can like leaning
(30:03):
like you know what I've seen you do it all
these years, and I really want to be able to
be the one to host, or I want you to
have a break and I would love if you can come.
I'm not saying that you have to stop preparing. Maybe
you can help me the first year. I mean, there's
lots of different ways that you can go about that.
Because for some people it's their identity. Yes, this is
who I am, this is what I do. So if
(30:24):
I don't do it, who am I?
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:26):
So you've got to be thoughtful about it. But there's
ways to transition.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
So we've established that the holidays can be a very
stressful time. In fact, the same previously referenced study commissioned
by Parago found that eighty eight percent of the two
thousand American surveyed said they felt stressed during the holidays
for various reasons, and the National Alliance of Mental Illness
found that sixty four percent of survey participants reported that
(30:54):
the holidays made their mental health conditions worse. Separate from
the chaos of parties and family dynamics can be the
deepening feelings of depression and loneliness during this time of year.
How do we make it through these times that can
be very difficult, and how do we also make sure
(31:14):
that we are best supporting the people who may also
need support during this time of year.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Yeah, it's a really great point. Honestly. Part of why
we're talking about this is that the holidays is a
big trigger and it can also be a trigger for
loss and our ability to just be aware of that
what is it that we are experiencing and going through?
Once again, did you talk to your therapist or advisor
or someone that you can talk to going into this.
(31:41):
Are you sharing with other people? Sometimes we're feeling that
loss or those anniversaries and we just hold it and
we stuff it instead of being able to just express
it in a healthy way. And sometimes people don't know
how we're really dealing with it. And you know, even
in our own family, like we've had losses and we've
been able to talk about some of that, especially around Thanksgiving,
(32:03):
we light a candle to just kind of say, like,
you know, we remember them or we're thinking about them
as we are playing games and eating food and doing
lots of other things. So there are ways that you
can be intentional of honoring the folks that maybe you've lost,
or having a conversation or checking in with people. Maybe
it's not you, maybe it's someone else in the family
just asking, hey, you know, I'm thinking about you this holiday,
(32:26):
or I just want you to know I'm here for you,
or sometimes playing the game that makes somebody laugh is
actually what helps them during this time. So there's lots
of different ways to go about it, but definitely don't
just move through it as if there'sn't some pain and hurt,
because a lot of people are struggling and it just
so happens that like around this time, either we've lost
(32:48):
people or reminds us of the people we've lost because
we would be hanging out with them or spending time
with them.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, are there signs that we can kind of look
out for in some of our friends or family that
might indicate that they need a little bit more support.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah, you know, throughout the conversation, like we've talked about
like different things that can happen in our family, and
for the most part, like you know, it's things that
are solvable or things that we tweak here and there.
What we haven't necessarily talked about is for some people
they are going through really intense family situations, sometimes traumatics,
family situations, or life situations. Sometimes there's a level of loneliness,
(33:25):
or a level of despair, or a level of just difficulty.
And that's why it's so important that we check in
with people. We can be really focused on us and
our family or our situation and not realize maybe our
friend or friends or cousins don't have that same opportunity
and they haven't really talked about it in a long time.
(33:47):
So the best thing I would say for people to
do is just check in. Just call somebody, text somebody,
go visit somebody, invite somebody over. Hey, I realized you
might not be doing anything today. We got more than
enough room at the table. Why don't you join us?
Speaker 1 (34:01):
And that maybe they become your ally at the family
dinner table. Sometimes our emotions may not be the only
ones we're managing or trying to protect. We may be
at the stage of our lives where we're introducing a
partner for the first time to our family, or maybe
we now have children of our own, and these add
(34:21):
a new layer of navigating already complex family relationships.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
So sometimes family functions can get, you know, depending on
the dynamics, more or less stressful. If you bring your
partner and or kids into the mix, do you have
any advice for how to protect you know, our own
families from getting swept up in the madness, Like maybe
we could model some behavior to teach our families how
(34:49):
to behave a bit better.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
Yeah, definitely. You know, I'm thinking about like the pep talk,
you know, like that you give your family you know, like, hey,
mom is going to do this, right, I want you
to know, like we're going to be respectful. But at
the same time, I mean, like you can give you know,
your family members a pep talk. And also there is
this other part that's really difficult, you know, And I
(35:13):
didn't realize this until much later in life that like
I just got used to like, whatever the older people want,
whatever the elders want, that's what you do. And yes,
that is definitely a part of some family culture. But
there's also a room to be able to say no.
And for instance, hugs, right, like hugs and kisses. We
almost think like that's just normal what you should do.
But there's some people where that's really overwhelming or too much.
(35:36):
And that might be your kids, right, or your family
members being able you know them, you know their personalities,
you know what kind of it feels too much for
them and you might be able to say you got
to hug Grandma, but you don't have to hug everybody else, right,
Like that might be the negotiation that you have. So
there's ways that you can protect your family or have
your own subculture of activities and experiences within the large
(36:00):
or family. And then you know, sometimes that's the only
time that the larger family maybe sees your spouse or
partner or kids, and that's also understandable that they want
to just spend more time with them. So it's balancing
all of those things and hopefully you know it's not
too chaotic or too harmful, but that it can be
(36:21):
a good time for everybody.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
To that point, what are some good like transition methods
at the dinner table that are safe topics to because
we always hear like you never talk about religion, you
never talk about politics at the dinner table. What are
some safe transitionary topics that we could be like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Hey, let's talk about this. What are our thoughts on
crusty bread.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
I think what is really important is to have a
story ready. Just think about some moment that you've had
some experience, and hopefully it's a good and funny experience.
You can always use that as a transition. Hey, did
I tell you what happened to me? When I want
to go renew my license? And then you just go
into that conversational that sometimes can be a transition away
(37:03):
from a topic you don't want to or bringing up
somebody else's story. Hey, so and so, maybe it's a
niece or nephew, you just had your winter recital, or
you just had a play, or how was soccer season.
Being able to transition and ask questions on other things
that can open it up, and then at the end
of the day, you know, transition might be you know,
(37:25):
excuse me, I need to go, or I have to
make a phone call. Any of these things can sometimes
be ways that you can exit.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
I'm laughing because it's the classic, Oh god, my phone
is ringing.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I must take this.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Is anybody else buzzing?
Speaker 5 (37:40):
I know to hear that.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
I definitely heard it ring. I'm curious.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
What are some of the things about your getting together
with your family during the holidays you're most looking forward to.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
Yeah, I think that this time with the family is
so great because there will be like stories, like no
matter how many years we've been around each other, there's
always some news story that comes out and it's not
like a story within the past year. It's like a
story that's like from the past and you're like, how
did I not hear that before? Things that are just
really humorous, and so I look forward to that, and
(38:11):
I in particular from my advantage point. So it's a
lot of my wife's family, and I love seeing when
my wife is with her mother and her aunts. It's
usually the moment after dinner and I'm trying to like
clean up and my wife gets to sit down and
then they get talking with each other and laughing. Just
seeing her have that moment is just priceless for me,
(38:33):
So I look forward to that.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Also, I love a partner who helps clean up in
the kitchen afterwards, so it's.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
The least I could do. I'm like, okay, I mean, thank.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
You for that.
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Awesome.
Speaker 4 (38:48):
Well, doctor James, just wanted to thank you so much
for taking the time to talk to us about this
very very important part of adulting. I think a lot
of people are like, oh, it's not practical. Oh it's
not taxes, so it's not healthcare. But I think this
really is so very important, especially during these times of
the year. So thank you for different dating and time
to talk about this what I consider a very very
(39:09):
important part of adulting.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
I agree, I think it is very important, so I
appreciate you both for highlighting this topic and having me
on today. Really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
No family is perfect, and we all have our difficulties,
but it's so important to stay present with them and
find ways to enjoy our time together. I love the
idea of playing games and forming new traditions with our family.
I think this is such a great way to avoid
certain discussions and make positive memories. Here's what else I'm
taking with me from this conversation with doctor James. Be
(39:43):
prepared to state your boundaries more than once, and to
stick to them. Don't let the push your relatives exhaust
you into giving up your boundaries. It's okay to be
the change we want to manage our expectations, but sometimes
it's okay to be the one to introduce new ideas
or traditions to ensure a smoother holiday with our family.
Find a way to recognize and encourage when family members
(40:06):
do make positive changes from year to year. Get yourself
an ally, someone who will validate you but also call
you on your own nonsense to make a plan, whether
it's sending a note about boundaries ahead of time, or
identifying healthy ways to cope with triggers in the moment,
or finding ways to maintain your independence while you're staying
(40:26):
with family. Create ways to remember and celebrate the ones
who are no longer with you. Maybe it's lighting a
candle or playing their favorite song or making their favorite recipe.
Sharing fun stories from your everyday life can be a
great way to ease tensions and transition from more challenging topics. Well,
that's all for today's episode. But Matt, before we sign off,
(40:48):
given that it's Thanksgiving, I thought it might be kind
of nice to do a very adult thing and practice
gratitude and share what we're both thankful for this year.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
What do you think.
Speaker 5 (40:57):
I think that that's a great idea.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
I love practicing gratitude, and given how much is going
on in the world today, it's hard not to be
thankful for most things, namely health, safety, employment, family, and friends.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
You know, honestly, Matt, I'm thankful for this podcast because
I have learned so much over the last you know, how,
I think we're on episode fourteen. I've learned so much
over the you know, these past fourteen episodes, if.
Speaker 5 (41:20):
We look back, the glow up is real, the grow
up and the.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
Blow up right, And I am really dedicating my twenty
twenty four to really start enacting more of what we've
learned here. I'm also really thankful for you, Matt Silla.
I'm really thankful to have your friendship, your collaboration, and
I wouldn't want to co host this with anybody else, Buddy,
I really wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (41:41):
I feel the exact same way. That is so sweet
of you. I am very thankful for you too, Molly.
I feel like this has been an incredible journey that
we've taken together and I've just loved every second of it.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
I agree, And you know, I'm like you said, I
know we kind of rag about our families today a bit,
but I am very lucky in the grand scheme that
I have a loving, supportive family. On that note, let's
tell our lovely listeners, who we are also very grateful for.
Where we're heading next in our grand tour of grown
up stuff.
Speaker 4 (42:08):
Well, they'll remember a few weeks ago we talked about
buying or leasing a car, and next up we'll talk
about taking care of that car.
Speaker 5 (42:16):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
Jamie page Eeden from Car Talk is back and we're
talking oil changes, windshield wipers, tire rotation, all that good stuff.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
And wigeurizing our car because winter is coming and I
need to know if my dad's old standby of putting
sandbags in the trunk of the car to stop it
from skidding on the ice and snow.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Is actually a useful practice or something he just made up.
Speaker 5 (42:37):
I feel like that's not a thing. Sandbags one's as
large as a small twelve year old.
Speaker 4 (42:42):
We'll definitely find out if that's the thing and more
in two weeks on grown up stuff, how do adult?
Speaker 1 (42:47):
And remember you might not be graded in life, but
it never hurts to do your homework.
Speaker 4 (42:51):
This is a production from Ruby Studio from iHeartMedia. Our
executive producers are Mally Sosha and Matt Stillo.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
This episode was engineered by the Great Matt Stello.
Speaker 5 (43:01):
And written by the Great Malisosha.
Speaker 2 (43:03):
Additional editing y Sierra Spreen.
Speaker 4 (43:05):
We want to thank our teammates at Ruby Studio, including
Ethan Fixel, rachels Van Krasnoff, Amber Smith, Deborah Garrett, and
Andy Kelly
The holiday season is officially upon us. This means parties,
twinkling lights, crisp chill in the air, matching pajamas, brightly
colored decorations, and a million broken promises about my diet
because your girl loves a side dish and a festive cocktail.
For some of us, it also means a lot of
(00:23):
family gatherings, and sometimes that family time comes with a
lot of stress and anxiety. In a survey commission by
the Parigo Company, more than fifteen percent of respondents admitted
that participating in general conversation with family stresses them out.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And listen.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
If you're someone who has a completely easy relationship with
all of your family, I say good for you. I
celebrate you and your healthy boundaries. However, that's not everyone's family.
Some of us like to spend these family filled holidays
hiding in the pantry with a bottle of wine and
the rest of the creamed spinach, dodging questions about our
(01:02):
love lives, and avoiding explaining to your older relatives what
is a podcast and how does one make a living
doing that?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
But I digress.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
According to Lara Health, navigating family conflict is one of
the biggest stressors during the holiday season, and it's no wonder.
You get a bunch of people in a room who
potentially have nothing in common other than blood and a
shared genealogical history, and you sprinkle in some awkward conversations
with misguided intentions and add a splash of family beef
older than your cousin's marriage, and it's a recipe for
(01:35):
anxiety pie. The older we get, the more complicated these
relationships become. We go from being the waddling toddlers dependent
upon the adults around us, two angsty teenagers embarrassed by
everything our family members do or say, to adults who
are fighting to be seated as equals among the aging
(01:57):
grown ups. So how can we plan ahead this year,
set healthy boundaries, establish our adulthood, and actually enjoy the
holidays with our families? Start taking notes, because this.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Is grown up stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
A Happy Turkey day to one and all, and welcome
to another episode of grown Up Stuff, How to Adult,
the show where we learn about grown up concepts like
regression and therapy. As always, I am Molly and I'm
joined by my co host Matt Stillo. And if you
are listening to this episode the day it's released, then
it is the eve of Thanksgiving Eve, or drinks Giving
(02:37):
Eve to many. Matt's Happy almost Turkey Day to you,
my friend. Do you have any big Turkey Day plans?
Speaker 4 (02:43):
Well, like many people who have family across the country,
we're not doing anything too big for Thanksgiving. We'll be
spending more time with family and friends over the Christmas
and New Year's holidays. But my sister is coming over
joining my wife and I in taking a new spin
on some Thanksgiving classics in the kitchen, so we're looking
forward to that.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (03:00):
What about you? Wow?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Wow, Wow, that sounds perfect similarly to you. Even though
I'm not spending things Giving with most of my family,
I'll be spending Christmas with them, and I'm already preparing
for those moments of what my therapist likes to label
as regression. Oh, those scenarios where someone in my family
does something to infuriate me and I hit a boiling
rage that I have not experienced since I was sixteen
(03:24):
years old and my parents grounded me for getting a
sea in chemistry.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
So I am.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Also the youngest among my siblings, so I'm constantly battling
being seen as an adult in my family. But Matt
you know enough about me and my family issues, what
about you? Because I imagine the Stillo family holiday to
be charades and laughter by the fire with everyone in
matching pajamas.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Like, am I painting an accurate picture here?
Speaker 5 (03:51):
It's not that it's I hate that a little bit.
I'm glad, but that we're not like that. I feel like,
whenever you see those Christmas cards, you're like, no, come on,
that's not real. This is not real.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
No, we are not a Hallmark family, and honestly, who
would want to be? That sounds kind of boring. No,
We've got some big personalities in my family. We've got
some big political divides that can boil to the surface
from time to time, depending on how many drinks we've had,
what time of day it is, the conversation at hand.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
But we have a lot of fun too.
Speaker 4 (04:19):
We decorate the house, we make delicious food, we sit
around and watch National Lamput's Cristification. So we're just like
you know, every other typical American family.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, And I'm so glad that we're talking
about this right now because this, all of this, the
family dynamics during the holidays, is exactly what we are
going to dig into with our guests.
Speaker 5 (04:40):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Yeah, today we're going to navigate the holidays with our
families like adults, and doctor George James is here to
help us do just that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Doctor James is a licensed marriage and family therapist who
counsels people on how to overcome everyday relational struggles.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
With a master's degree in family therapy and a doctorate
in clinical psychology, Doctor James is also so an assistant
professor for the Couples and Family Therapy Program at Thomas
Jefferson University.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
He has counseled professional athletes, entertainers, men, women, couples, executives,
and more on topics like adulting, career development, anxiety, parenting,
and so much more, and has appeared on The Today
Show CNBC and quoted in huff Post and Ebony.
Speaker 4 (05:20):
He also hosts the podcast leap Cast, where doctor James
explores the unexamined human moments with his very successful guests.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Doctor George James, Welcome to grown up Stuff, How to Adult.
We are so glad to have you here.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
I am excited to be here. Thank you both for
this opportunity just to share and talk with you both.
And so this is going to be a good time.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Oh, it's going to be a good time.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
There might be tears, there might be laughter hiding tears.
We're here for all of it because today we are
talking through how to survive the holidays with our family
like adults, and how to establish ourselves as adults in
a family that has only seen us as little kids.
So we're this out two days before Thanksgiving, so a
lot of us are getting into that emotional preparation mode.
(06:06):
They're putting the boundaries up, they're putting the emotional armor on.
How can we best prepare ourselves before we even head
to our families' homes so that we can make the
most out of these holiday experiences and we can actually
enjoy them.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
Get you know, I think this is just awesome, the
thought of like being able to think about what it
means to go home for the holidays or to prepare
yourself for it. I don't remember doing that. I don't
remember having anyone to help me do that. I just
remember going home and just being in the middle of it.
Speaker 5 (06:39):
So time to prepare beforehand is probably the key.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Yes, yes, very much so. And I think some of
this is just being able to think about what does
home really mean for me? Or what is that experience? Like,
you know, who am I going to talk to, what's
going to be the awkward moments, what's going to feel great?
Who do I miss? Who's going to hug me too much?
What is overwhelming? And what do I want to do?
(07:02):
What are the things that when they say it or
when it comes up, it's going to be a trigger
for you, or it's going to be overwhelming, or it
just blows up and becomes the worst thing ever. And
I think like if you can know that, then you
know when it's time to tap out, when it's time
to say, like, hey, let me call a friend, or
let me go do something else, or let me go
(07:23):
clean whatever it is that you need to do to
escape that moment. But once again, thinking about it ahead
of time is so important because if we don't, what
we tend to do is we end up reacting. Right,
So what we're trying to get to is the ability
to have a response versus a reaction. When we're in
the moment, we just react. It's so fast, it's so quick,
and usually those reactions aren't always the best. But if
(07:47):
we can have a response, meaning that we think about
it we're clear about what we want to do or
what we hope to do, we know when those trigger
areas are we can probably make the best decision for
us and the situation.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Yeah, So it could be as simple as like, you know,
your parents really want you to be in a relationship
but really pushing to get married, and that's something that's
it's difficult for you, or you're not you don't want
to talk about it. Maybe it's as simple as setting
that text beforehand, like Hey, you know, I'm coming up
for the holidays. I'm excited to see you guys, but
like just you know, like my personal relationship, my personal life.
You know that that's something that I'm not ready to
talk about this year, and I would appreciate maybe your
(08:20):
your respect in that area, and that can kind of
just set those boundaries in place and then you won't
get into those those difficult situations.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I so hope. So, I mean, Matt, what you just
brought up is so great, And you know, families tend
to be pretty pushy.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
So I was just gonna say, what do you do
about the family who thinks your reactions are funny and
thinks your boundaries are funny?
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Right? You're so cute. Yeah, tell me what's happening with
your love life?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, uh huh right.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Seriously, I do agree though, that boundaries are so important
and necessary. I think that if you can let your
family know ahead of time, like you mentioned, that's really great.
What usually needs to happen, and this is across the
board with our family, with our friends, with our partner,
or whoever it might be, we usually need to let
them know our boundaries multiple times, so we can tell
(09:08):
them ahead of time. Hey, I can't wait to be home.
I just want you to know my love life is
off limits this holiday, or I'm not going to be
talking about it, or I'm okay. And then when you
actually get home, you got to say it again. You
got to remind them of the boundary, because what happens
is that they'll keep asking you and eventually you say,
all right, I'm dating or I'm not dating, leave me alone.
(09:30):
And so you just got to be consistent with reminding
your family with boundaries.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
According to the online therapy service Betterhealth, boundaries are rules
we set for our bodies, emotions, time, belongings, and relationships,
and are not rules about how someone else should act
or live. So we can say to our parents, I'm
not going to answer your questions about when I'm getting
married or having a baby, or why I'm still single,
because that's controlling what we do and we're not telling them.
(10:05):
You need to start focusing on your own life and
not mine. Setting boundaries can be challenging if we've never
had to do it before with our family, Taking time
to reflect on your needs and your triggers before you
set those boundaries can be a really good first step.
As we take this time ahead of these gatherings to
reflect and set our boundaries. It's also important to reflect
(10:26):
on how we manage our own expectations for the holidays
and what influences maybe creating unrealistic standards.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
A lot of people say is in the social media age,
comparison is a theft of joy. You see people's lives
out there and comparing it to your own can kind
of like make you feel horrible.
Speaker 5 (10:44):
You know.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
I think another huge trigger for this time of year
is like everyone has these unrealistic Maybe it's too many
Hallmark movies, but everyone has unrealistic expectations of how the
holidas are supposed to go, and it's never ever like that,
So now, how can we like go into the holidays,
maybe setting realistic expectations like what is the best like
(11:05):
mechanism for you know, letting things be what they will be.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
So far, right, we're really talking about the outside, what
do you need to do to really prepare others for
where you are? What you're saying now is what do
we need to do to prepare ourselves internally? Because yeah,
sometimes we have to recognize that we are struggling. While
we don't want to talk about our love life is
because internally we're like it sucks, and so we start
(11:30):
to compare, and internally I'm already feeling maybe jealous, maybe upset,
maybe sad, maybe overwhelmed. And yes, social media, Hallmark movies.
I think there are those things of recognizing that what
we see on the outside, what we see with other
people is not always perfect. It's always what they want
(11:50):
to show us, and therefore we do the same thing.
And to recognize that our life doesn't have to be perfect.
We just don't want it to be unhealthy.
Speaker 4 (11:59):
I feel like the thing that that helps me is
that I've clocked in years of like I'm like, oh man,
this isn't going the way I wanted to go, or
like I was hoping they would have like some big
conversation with my parents and we would really like open
each other up and like get into some you know,
fun memories or whatever, and it you know, that has
happened sometimes. But I think I come back to this
idea of like actually having zero expectations is kind of
(12:19):
the best way to go about it. Like maybe it's
not going to be magical, and maybe it's not going
to be x y and Z, but it is going
to be time with family and that that in and
of itself, if it's good, if it's bad, whatever is
is something to be thankful for.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Yeah, sometimes we don't know how magical those things and
those moments are until we leave or until we lose it.
And so being able to really lean into that, it's like, hey, yeah,
my family's a little quirky, they're a little weird, and
if I'm really honest, I'm a little quirky and I'm
a little weird and that's just who we are. And
if we can embrace that and enjoy and then when
(12:53):
we go back to school or to work, we might
start to realize, you know, that's my weird and quirky family.
The other thing I will say to add to that
is sometimes it's okay to try to be the change.
And what I mean by that is like to have
that magical moment. Might mean maybe I introduced the new
board game they have no idea about it. For instance,
(13:15):
for some reason, that game Heads Up has been one
of those like classic hits in our family, right, And
it's like, without a doubt, whenever we take the phone
and put up and then you got to guess what
it is like somebody's going to say something that's just
ridiculous and we're all gonna laugh. So be okay or
willing to introduce some things to your family.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (13:35):
It makes me think about that, like to get something
you've never had before, you've got to do something you've
never done. And maybe it is as simple as introducing
a new tradition, a new family tradition, to kind of
shake things happen.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yeah, I think that's great. You know, my mom always
said you have to meet people where they're at. Is
it bad to set lower expectations for the people and
your family too, and their own behavior.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
I think sometimes we got to be honest, you know,
sometimes we think that there is this point that will
come back and they'll just be different. That whatever time
in between they went through intense therapy or rehab, or
they read the book that made them change their whole philosophy,
and you know, just overall, change just doesn't happen overnight.
(14:19):
And even if they are on the road to being different,
we still have to offer some patients and some grace
and can we actually see the difference. Can we recognize,
you know what, they were more erratic or more angry,
or they drank more last year than this year. Because
I think like if we are able to even mention that, hey, mom,
(14:40):
I see that you've been doing this change or working
on that, they might actually appreciate that. They might actually
welcome that in some way, not in an embarrassing or
condescending way, but just in a way of like, I
see you trying. I think that could actually help in
the whole process. So not even lowering your expectations, but
have some realistic expectations with some encouragement. I think that
goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
You hit on something that we definitely want to talk about.
Of the drinking of it all. The entire environment is
just loaded with triggers left and right, and we could
tend to imbibe maybe.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
More than we expected.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
What are some other ways we can kind of a
keep track of that and find other healthier outlets when
we are triggered.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Yeah, a large part of that comes with like self awareness,
the self awareness meaning like what is happening with me?
What emotions or feelings am I experience in and sometimes
we just we're just clueless about that, And we're also
unaware that when we go home, we tend to regress, right, like, yeah,
we're going home as a twenty eight year old, as
(15:44):
a thirty three year old, as a twenty five year
old in age, but when we actually show up, we're
an eight year old, a nine year old.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Truer words to me. Let me just tell you just
the way he speaks to me, exactly right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Our behavior is just like that, or even like a
sixteen year old, right where we feel like we can
have some autonomy and some responsibility, but yet our parents
are still telling us what to do. That struggle, that's
what we feel, and so we feel that we then
get triggered by that. But once again, we're in body,
We're a twenty eight year old, so we're legal, and
(16:19):
what do we do with that emotion? We drink or
we drink some more. And what do they do with
that emotion? They drink and they drink some more. So
I think a lot of it comes back to self
awareness of Hey, I know, I get triggered, I start
to regress in age, I start to do some things,
and maybe I can find other alternatives. And truthfully, that's
probably what they need to do as well too, because
(16:41):
they are feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm back to
parent and a teenager and this was stressful for me too,
and I'm going to drink because I don't want to
feel this anymore.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Wow, this is telling me a lot about my family
dynamic and maybe that it's me.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Hi, I'm the problem. It's me.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
What are other activities can they maybe engage in that
are a bit healthy, can help the situation as opposed
to hurt it.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
I would encourage everybody make sure you have a session
with your therapist before you leave. Right talk to your
therapist or your coach or whoever provides wisdom and advice
to you in your life. Now. If you don't have
that person, that's the first thing you need to do.
You need to find someone in your life that provides wisdom,
someplace that you can talk or communicate about some of
(17:24):
these things. And yes, ideally I would encourage that to
be a therapist, but that could also be someone else,
So that would be the first thing I would suggest.
Then when you're there, have things that you can do.
Do you take a deep breath, do you go for
a walk, do you call someone, do you read something,
do you go and just center yourself in terms of
like mindfulness of just saying these are my loved ones,
(17:47):
these are people who care about me, I have one
more day left. Whatever you need to do that will
help you to get to that next phase or place
could sometimes be helpful. I know lots of people who
will say, you know what, I need to go for
a workout, I need to go for a run, I
need to call my best friend, I need to call
my partner. There's so many options. Don't get stuck in
(18:08):
then the routines that you've had from before that might
be unhealthy.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
Yeah, I actually am.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
I came across something really really wonderful in researching for
this episode, and it plays into this whole regressing thing.
And because this is something I've definitely felt going home
because I live in New York and I don't have
a car, and so when I go home, I'm really
like at the best of my parents, like my parents
will pick me up from the airport. And so what
I came across is people saying, how can you reclaim
(18:35):
that control? So, if you are entering a situation where
like you can start to regress or feel like your
parents or your parents again, how can you reclaim the control?
In one of the ways that people were talking about
dealing with this is get there early, like rent a car,
if you have the means to rent a car, like
rent a car, make sure that you show up at
your parents' house on your terms. This is something that
you think people could benefit from.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
I think definitely. I think a lot of that is,
you know, once again thinking ahead, recognizing that like, hey,
when I get home now, I'm going to have to
like negotiate how can I use the car, And they're
going to like go back to be home by eleven.
I'm like, I'm a grown adult. I'm not trying to
be home by eleven, right. But but once again, when
we turn the situation around, some of it is like Okay,
(19:19):
our parents still care about our safety. They still want
to make sure that we are home. So it's how
do we negotiate that? And I think like whatever way
that you can find some autonomy there, that's great, but
also be willing to talk about it. And you might
need to negotiate some of that because maybe mom, dad, whoever,
wanted to do some of the rituals that you've always
(19:40):
done the traditions. Lean into that, but also let them
know I'm also creating new traditions. We're going to have
Thanksgiving and then we're gonna have friends given we're going
to do something else, and that allows them to know
what to expect.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
It's great advice. So we've talked about how we can
plan ahead. But so let's just say that we've thought
all about this, we've sided you know, okay, cool, Like
we've got our plan and we're in and then you're
you're in and you're with your family and some difficult
situations arise, maybe it's a family member that you're clashing with.
Do you have any advice for people who like do
find themselves like in the moment of dealing with maybe
(20:16):
a difficult family member.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Yeah, I think that comes back to like once again,
family culture. You know, for some families, an argument is
like the rights of passage, like that's just what we
do right, not in a way that we're like being
hurtful or yelling in a negative way. But you know,
maybe it gets a little passionate. If that's your family,
then maybe that's what it's normal, and you can engage
(20:38):
in that way. But if it gets a place where
it's like, okay, no, this is really causing some difficulty
or some harm or I don't really like this, you
find a way out. You can easily say I don't
want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the topics?
Those are nice polite ways you could decide to say,
you know what I'm done, and not further engage. I
think that's what I see sometimes with people is that
(20:59):
you know you're at your point. You know you could stop,
but you keep going. Right, if you stop talking, for
the most part, the other side will stop talking to
Now some of them they might have a little bit
more left in the tank, but give them some time
and they will stop talking. But when you keep engaging,
if you keep going, it's not gonna stop. So sometimes
(21:20):
being able to take that break can be a way out.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
I do think that like a lot of the times
when you when you keep going when you're it's because
you're searching for something, like I just really need to
understand me, Like I'm trying to get to the core
of what this bridge, this divide is between us, and
sometimes I think you kind of have to recognize that,
like you're not going to get that necessarily, that it's
they are who they are, you are who you are,
and that sometimes understanding can be maybe a bridge too far.
(21:45):
But is there ways to find common ground with these
people or is that just a lost cause.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
I definitely think there's ways to find common ground and
for people to understand who you are once again, like, well,
how long have you been away from your family? Has
it been a year, five years, ten years, twenty years
where you have developed and grown and become more of
who you are. They don't necessarily know that. The way
they get to know that is through these conversations, through
the games, through their activities, and yes, even in the
(22:12):
tension and conflict, they get to know more of who
you are. So that's what helps with the common grounds. Like, oh, okay,
I didn't realize that that's not who you are and
what your perspective might be. But the other part, though,
is that we can't convert them on those really big
polarizing situations, we can't necessarily convert them. And I think
(22:36):
sometimes that's what we're trying to do, where we realize
we are all the way on the other side of
the spectrum and we want them to lean into our
side and they want us to lean on their side,
and that's just not going to happen. We either are
going to get to a place where we can respect each
other hopefully, or we get to the place where we're
just not going to talk about it because it's going
(22:56):
to blow up.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Another thing I think is really helpful is, you know,
sometimes you can get in your own head like am
I just crazy? Like is it just me feeling this way?
And it can be really really important to have someone
in your life, if it's like a family ally or
at least a friend maybe back home, someone you can
text you and just kind of to validate your feelings,
because I think a lot of times, like we can
(23:17):
drive ourselves crazy thinking that we're like, you know, like
what is my problem or what is But sometimes like
you are really validated, Like sometimes like your family is
really difficult. Are there any other things like I don't know,
like practicing positive affirmation or not taking things too personally?
Like do you have any other advice for people who
really are struggling?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Yeah, all the above. And I love the ally part
because usually there's somebody in the family that gets you,
you know, like after a situation, you might say like, hey,
was was I off? Did I come into hot? Like
what was going on there? And they might give you
some perspective.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Yeah, I'll call you out to be honest, because sometimes
a lot of this is like looking internally and going,
you know.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
Maybe I'm not a thing. Maybe maybe I'm as Molly said,
you know.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Yeah, And you know, honestly, a lot of times it
is a lot of times we don't realize like hey
I have changed or I have a perspective, or like
oh my gosh, my family is like they're like so outdated,
I need to fix them, and we don't realize that.
We come in with that mindset, that energy, that position
that can sometimes antagonizing a little bit all the way.
(24:26):
So being aware of what position do we say things
do we come off as like higher than others, do
we come off as better than others versus I'm just
trying to share my point, And so we do need
to pay attention to ourselves and how we approach the
conversation because sometimes that could really change the result.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
I happen to be the youngest in my family by
a fair amount of years, so my entire family has
always seen me as the baby and is like, I
don't have so much the problem, like, oh, you're trying
to be like talk down to me, but where they
still see me as a child and they don't take
my opinion with any weight. I still at teas like
the youngest sister all the time. But how do we
(25:04):
establish ourselves as an adult when we've always been sitting
at the kids' table, sometimes by ourselves for years.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Yeah, we get these labels and sometimes by birth order
or by the things that we've done, and it can
stick with us. Some of it is like okay, how
do we lean into that? Right? So, sometimes being the youngest,
maybe people realize I might provide a fresh perspective, or
I might bring some energy, or I might be willing
(25:34):
to do it in a different way. Sometimes we can
embrace that. Other times it might be okay, they're not
going to see me differently, and realizing that doesn't mean
my opinion, our thoughts are not important. I just realized
they're just not going to hear it. Oftentimes, you know,
even in the ways that people do work, you can
be an expert in your particular field in a particular space,
(25:56):
but when it's at home or people you know don't
see you as an expert because.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
They don't even know what you do for a living.
They're still asking you, how's the blog going exactly?
Speaker 3 (26:07):
And so sometimes we might need either somebody else to
validate what we do, maybe a family member that we trust. Hey,
you know Molly, that's a great point, or Molly knows
what to do here. Sometimes that can help. Or then
sometimes it's being able to just recognize I'm going to
be a benefit to other people, but maybe not my family.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
We'll be right back with more grown up stuff how
to adult after a quick break, and we're back with
more grown up stuff how to adult.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
A lot of hims during the holidays, we can stack
stressful situations on top of each other. So maybe if
being with your family is stressful enough, then things like
cooking a major meal together can can add even more,
even more stress. You know, what are your tips of
you know, during the holidays, everyone fed without a nervous
breakdown happening.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
It goes back to like what your tradition might be.
I don't know if you all have seen the show
The Bear.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yes, are you talking? Are we talking seven fishes?
Speaker 5 (27:14):
Are we talking?
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Seven fish?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I have a questions cousin Michelle's friends Stephen is he gay?
Speaker 5 (27:21):
Is who gay? Mom My, Mama? Why are you in
the seven Fishes thing? Nobody ever to Stephen?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Is he gay? I mean he seems kind of gay.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
You know, he's already and I mean I love him
and everything.
Speaker 5 (27:29):
But he's gay.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
I think I think that episode just talks so much
about like what family dynamics may be, right, like who's
really preparing the meal, who's helping? But what is it
really about, Like what what are these dynamics that are there?
And how do we do it? And then there's a
chaos of like you know, people yelling at each other,
cursing at each other, drinking, and you know, we might
(27:51):
say like, oh, that's just one family. No, that's actually
representative of lots of families. So when you stack multiple
things I think some of it is what can you
do to lower your stress? First of all, right, it
might be this is not the right way to go
with it, but I'm just gonna go ahead and just
do my part. Or as we mentioned before, I'm going
(28:12):
to introduce some things. Hey, uh, you know I got
our tickets and I got us a car service or
I got us whatever it is that you know is
the main stressful area. If you can eliminate or lower that,
that might also be helpful. And you know, going back
to the bear, sometimes we got to navigate personalities and
(28:33):
we got to know what to say and how to
say it, because if you come in and as if
you're trying to take over, that might not go well,
But if you're trying to assist, that might work. And
so really paying attention to those things and those themes, morn.
Speaker 5 (28:47):
I need you to check the frends.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
You know.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I feel like that was a shotguard.
Speaker 5 (28:50):
Why this is why I didn't want to come home
this why fuck you?
Speaker 3 (28:54):
What would whatever?
Speaker 5 (28:58):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
What? I am so glad you brought up the bear
because I think that is kind of the situation a
lot of people are going to be navigating, yes, and
what happens when we get to the point where we're like,
I kind of want to take over hosting and cooking
the meal from my parents. So these two things where
we want to really shift the roles of our parents
and ourselves. What's the best way to address those two scenarios?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Even in our own family, when my wife and I
got married, or you were thinking about the holidays and
it was actually for us, holidays were important and in
different ways, and we were going back and forth and
how we wanted to do it, and what we did
was we decided to host, and thankfully everybody was really
open to that and it became the new tradition in
the family. It became the place that people want to come.
(29:43):
So sometimes it's by saying, you know, maybe in advance,
hey next year, can I host, or I would like
to host, or can we develop a system, can we rotate?
You know, maybe it's through the siblings, And if it's
maybe an advance and not sprung up like two days before,
then there might be an oppportunity to do that and
even be able to say, hey, you can like leaning
(30:03):
like you know what I've seen you do it all
these years, and I really want to be able to
be the one to host, or I want you to
have a break and I would love if you can come.
I'm not saying that you have to stop preparing. Maybe
you can help me the first year. I mean, there's
lots of different ways that you can go about that.
Because for some people it's their identity. Yes, this is
who I am, this is what I do. So if
(30:24):
I don't do it, who am I?
Speaker 2 (30:25):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:26):
So you've got to be thoughtful about it. But there's
ways to transition.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
So we've established that the holidays can be a very
stressful time. In fact, the same previously referenced study commissioned
by Parago found that eighty eight percent of the two
thousand American surveyed said they felt stressed during the holidays
for various reasons, and the National Alliance of Mental Illness
found that sixty four percent of survey participants reported that
(30:54):
the holidays made their mental health conditions worse. Separate from
the chaos of parties and family dynamics can be the
deepening feelings of depression and loneliness during this time of year.
How do we make it through these times that can
be very difficult, and how do we also make sure
(31:14):
that we are best supporting the people who may also
need support during this time of year.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Yeah, it's a really great point. Honestly. Part of why
we're talking about this is that the holidays is a
big trigger and it can also be a trigger for
loss and our ability to just be aware of that
what is it that we are experiencing and going through?
Once again, did you talk to your therapist or advisor
or someone that you can talk to going into this.
(31:41):
Are you sharing with other people? Sometimes we're feeling that
loss or those anniversaries and we just hold it and
we stuff it instead of being able to just express
it in a healthy way. And sometimes people don't know
how we're really dealing with it. And you know, even
in our own family, like we've had losses and we've
been able to talk about some of that, especially around Thanksgiving,
(32:03):
we light a candle to just kind of say, like,
you know, we remember them or we're thinking about them
as we are playing games and eating food and doing
lots of other things. So there are ways that you
can be intentional of honoring the folks that maybe you've lost,
or having a conversation or checking in with people. Maybe
it's not you, maybe it's someone else in the family
just asking, hey, you know, I'm thinking about you this holiday,
(32:26):
or I just want you to know I'm here for you,
or sometimes playing the game that makes somebody laugh is
actually what helps them during this time. So there's lots
of different ways to go about it, but definitely don't
just move through it as if there'sn't some pain and hurt,
because a lot of people are struggling and it just
so happens that like around this time, either we've lost
(32:48):
people or reminds us of the people we've lost because
we would be hanging out with them or spending time
with them.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, are there signs that we can kind of look
out for in some of our friends or family that
might indicate that they need a little bit more support.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah, you know, throughout the conversation, like we've talked about
like different things that can happen in our family, and
for the most part, like you know, it's things that
are solvable or things that we tweak here and there.
What we haven't necessarily talked about is for some people
they are going through really intense family situations, sometimes traumatics,
family situations, or life situations. Sometimes there's a level of loneliness,
(33:25):
or a level of despair, or a level of just difficulty.
And that's why it's so important that we check in
with people. We can be really focused on us and
our family or our situation and not realize maybe our
friend or friends or cousins don't have that same opportunity
and they haven't really talked about it in a long time.
(33:47):
So the best thing I would say for people to
do is just check in. Just call somebody, text somebody,
go visit somebody, invite somebody over. Hey, I realized you
might not be doing anything today. We got more than
enough room at the table. Why don't you join us?
Speaker 1 (34:01):
And that maybe they become your ally at the family
dinner table. Sometimes our emotions may not be the only
ones we're managing or trying to protect. We may be
at the stage of our lives where we're introducing a
partner for the first time to our family, or maybe
we now have children of our own, and these add
(34:21):
a new layer of navigating already complex family relationships.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
So sometimes family functions can get, you know, depending on
the dynamics, more or less stressful. If you bring your
partner and or kids into the mix, do you have
any advice for how to protect you know, our own
families from getting swept up in the madness, Like maybe
we could model some behavior to teach our families how
(34:49):
to behave a bit better.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
Yeah, definitely. You know, I'm thinking about like the pep talk,
you know, like that you give your family you know, like, hey,
mom is going to do this, right, I want you
to know, like we're going to be respectful. But at
the same time, I mean, like you can give you know,
your family members a pep talk. And also there is
this other part that's really difficult, you know, And I
(35:13):
didn't realize this until much later in life that like
I just got used to like, whatever the older people want,
whatever the elders want, that's what you do. And yes,
that is definitely a part of some family culture. But
there's also a room to be able to say no.
And for instance, hugs, right, like hugs and kisses. We
almost think like that's just normal what you should do.
But there's some people where that's really overwhelming or too much.
(35:36):
And that might be your kids, right, or your family
members being able you know them, you know their personalities,
you know what kind of it feels too much for
them and you might be able to say you got
to hug Grandma, but you don't have to hug everybody else, right,
Like that might be the negotiation that you have. So
there's ways that you can protect your family or have
your own subculture of activities and experiences within the large
(36:00):
or family. And then you know, sometimes that's the only
time that the larger family maybe sees your spouse or
partner or kids, and that's also understandable that they want
to just spend more time with them. So it's balancing
all of those things and hopefully you know it's not
too chaotic or too harmful, but that it can be
(36:21):
a good time for everybody.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
To that point, what are some good like transition methods
at the dinner table that are safe topics to because
we always hear like you never talk about religion, you
never talk about politics at the dinner table. What are
some safe transitionary topics that we could be like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Hey, let's talk about this. What are our thoughts on
crusty bread.
Speaker 3 (36:43):
I think what is really important is to have a
story ready. Just think about some moment that you've had
some experience, and hopefully it's a good and funny experience.
You can always use that as a transition. Hey, did
I tell you what happened to me? When I want
to go renew my license? And then you just go
into that conversational that sometimes can be a transition away
(37:03):
from a topic you don't want to or bringing up
somebody else's story. Hey, so and so, maybe it's a
niece or nephew, you just had your winter recital, or
you just had a play, or how was soccer season.
Being able to transition and ask questions on other things
that can open it up, and then at the end
of the day, you know, transition might be you know,
(37:25):
excuse me, I need to go, or I have to
make a phone call. Any of these things can sometimes
be ways that you can exit.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
I'm laughing because it's the classic, Oh god, my phone
is ringing.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I must take this.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Is anybody else buzzing?
Speaker 5 (37:40):
I know to hear that.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
I definitely heard it ring. I'm curious.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
What are some of the things about your getting together
with your family during the holidays you're most looking forward to.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
Yeah, I think that this time with the family is
so great because there will be like stories, like no
matter how many years we've been around each other, there's
always some news story that comes out and it's not
like a story within the past year. It's like a
story that's like from the past and you're like, how
did I not hear that before? Things that are just
really humorous, and so I look forward to that, and
(38:11):
I in particular from my advantage point. So it's a
lot of my wife's family, and I love seeing when
my wife is with her mother and her aunts. It's
usually the moment after dinner and I'm trying to like
clean up and my wife gets to sit down and
then they get talking with each other and laughing. Just
seeing her have that moment is just priceless for me,
(38:33):
So I look forward to that.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Also, I love a partner who helps clean up in
the kitchen afterwards, so it's.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
The least I could do. I'm like, okay, I mean, thank.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
You for that.
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Awesome.
Speaker 4 (38:48):
Well, doctor James, just wanted to thank you so much
for taking the time to talk to us about this
very very important part of adulting. I think a lot
of people are like, oh, it's not practical. Oh it's
not taxes, so it's not healthcare. But I think this
really is so very important, especially during these times of
the year. So thank you for different dating and time
to talk about this what I consider a very very
(39:09):
important part of adulting.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
I agree, I think it is very important, so I
appreciate you both for highlighting this topic and having me
on today. Really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
No family is perfect, and we all have our difficulties,
but it's so important to stay present with them and
find ways to enjoy our time together. I love the
idea of playing games and forming new traditions with our family.
I think this is such a great way to avoid
certain discussions and make positive memories. Here's what else I'm
taking with me from this conversation with doctor James. Be
(39:43):
prepared to state your boundaries more than once, and to
stick to them. Don't let the push your relatives exhaust
you into giving up your boundaries. It's okay to be
the change we want to manage our expectations, but sometimes
it's okay to be the one to introduce new ideas
or traditions to ensure a smoother holiday with our family.
Find a way to recognize and encourage when family members
(40:06):
do make positive changes from year to year. Get yourself
an ally, someone who will validate you but also call
you on your own nonsense to make a plan, whether
it's sending a note about boundaries ahead of time, or
identifying healthy ways to cope with triggers in the moment,
or finding ways to maintain your independence while you're staying
(40:26):
with family. Create ways to remember and celebrate the ones
who are no longer with you. Maybe it's lighting a
candle or playing their favorite song or making their favorite recipe.
Sharing fun stories from your everyday life can be a
great way to ease tensions and transition from more challenging topics. Well,
that's all for today's episode. But Matt, before we sign off,
(40:48):
given that it's Thanksgiving, I thought it might be kind
of nice to do a very adult thing and practice
gratitude and share what we're both thankful for this year.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
What do you think.
Speaker 5 (40:57):
I think that that's a great idea.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
I love practicing gratitude, and given how much is going
on in the world today, it's hard not to be
thankful for most things, namely health, safety, employment, family, and friends.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
You know, honestly, Matt, I'm thankful for this podcast because
I have learned so much over the last you know, how,
I think we're on episode fourteen. I've learned so much
over the you know, these past fourteen episodes, if.
Speaker 5 (41:20):
We look back, the glow up is real, the grow
up and the.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
Blow up right, And I am really dedicating my twenty
twenty four to really start enacting more of what we've
learned here. I'm also really thankful for you, Matt Silla.
I'm really thankful to have your friendship, your collaboration, and
I wouldn't want to co host this with anybody else, Buddy,
I really wouldn't.
Speaker 4 (41:41):
I feel the exact same way. That is so sweet
of you. I am very thankful for you too, Molly.
I feel like this has been an incredible journey that
we've taken together and I've just loved every second of it.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
I agree, And you know, I'm like you said, I
know we kind of rag about our families today a bit,
but I am very lucky in the grand scheme that
I have a loving, supportive family. On that note, let's
tell our lovely listeners, who we are also very grateful for.
Where we're heading next in our grand tour of grown
up stuff.
Speaker 4 (42:08):
Well, they'll remember a few weeks ago we talked about
buying or leasing a car, and next up we'll talk
about taking care of that car.
Speaker 5 (42:16):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
Jamie page Eeden from Car Talk is back and we're
talking oil changes, windshield wipers, tire rotation, all that good stuff.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
And wigeurizing our car because winter is coming and I
need to know if my dad's old standby of putting
sandbags in the trunk of the car to stop it
from skidding on the ice and snow.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
Is actually a useful practice or something he just made up.
Speaker 5 (42:37):
I feel like that's not a thing. Sandbags one's as
large as a small twelve year old.
Speaker 4 (42:42):
We'll definitely find out if that's the thing and more
in two weeks on grown up stuff, how do adult?
Speaker 1 (42:47):
And remember you might not be graded in life, but
it never hurts to do your homework.
Speaker 4 (42:51):
This is a production from Ruby Studio from iHeartMedia. Our
executive producers are Mally Sosha and Matt Stillo.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
This episode was engineered by the Great Matt Stello.
Speaker 5 (43:01):
And written by the Great Malisosha.
Speaker 2 (43:03):
Additional editing y Sierra Spreen.
Speaker 4 (43:05):
We want to thank our teammates at Ruby Studio, including
Ethan Fixel, rachels Van Krasnoff, Amber Smith, Deborah Garrett, and
Andy Kelly
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