No. 90: Self-deception & Self-Awareness + Missing Out On Living A FULL Life w/Ebony Vaughan - PART TWO. - Hand Me My Purse.

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts.
So as I perused fully short Side's Internet, I found
something on threads and it looks like the account is
Alex Sorry Alex Aubrey Poetry and the book is called

(00:22):
Learning to Love Myself. Not sure if she wrote it
or if she just posted or what or he because
Alex is a unisex name. It says seven steps to
self care. One if it feels wrong, don't do it.
That's pretty simple.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
I like that.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
Two say exactly what is on your mind. I subscribe
to that one thousand percent. I probably subscribe to it
a little too much, if you ask the people in
my life. Three trust your intuition. I'm still working on that.
Sometimes I struggle with that, but it's never wrong. I'll

(01:01):
tell you that.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Four.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
Never speak bad about yourself. I'm always struggling with that.
Five don't be afraid to say yes, hm. Six don't
be afraid to say no.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
I've gotten a lot better with that, that's for sure.
And seven love openly and loudly. I can't see the

(01:46):
bad that happened. Okay, what's up, y'all?

Speaker 1 (01:49):
Welcome to hand Me my personal podcast, I and Me
me Walker and I will be here forever, host each
and every single time that you tune into this podcast.
So go ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass
of your favorite beverage, whether that's water fountain water. How
many of y'allsoll drink from a water fountain so white glacier, gatorade.

(02:11):
I see the kids drinking it. It looks like watery
milk to me, so it's a no for me. A
hot cup of mull and tea with honey and lemon
to help with your lungs. Because algae season is running,
a monk pollen is covering our cars. It looks like
the Ghostbusters and Slimer has been walking through our town,

(02:31):
killing green, slimy ghosts and leaving the powder and residue
on our cars. It's bonkers out here, So make sure
that you're taking care of yourself. Go like yourself, a candle,
some incense, or burn some sage, and just get ready
to chill out and have a good time.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
What's up, friends again? It's me MEI Resident Auntie Supreme.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
Here, hand me my purse, and today I am sipping
on a mes Cow mule. While I was sipping on
one not too long ago, I was sipping on a
mes Cow mule. I went out and I had a
mescal mule and it was delicious. The bartender pissed me
off because the mescal mule was on the menu and

(03:23):
I asked for a mes cow mule and it also
had the description in the on the menu of what
was in the mescal mule. And he asked me, have
you ever had mescal before? And I just kind of
looked at him like he was crazy, and I said,
absolutely I have, and he said, okay, either way, it
was delicious.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
I loved it.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
I love mescal. Some people don't like it, but me,
I love it. It's smoky, it's tequila, but it's like tequila
as a grown, independent human being who serves their community
in a good way. I feel grown as hell when
I drink it, and I love it. In this moment,
I am drinking on some green tea kombucha hot. It

(04:08):
comes in tea bag form with some honey, because green
tea is life.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
It's the elixir of life.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
Before I ask y'all or I get into what y'all
are sipping on, I want to know how these gratitude
challenges are going because we're almost done. Are you guys
sitting in your gratitude challenge? Are you guys writing down
what you're grateful for? Are you focusing on gratitude? It
may not look like writing it down every day. That's

(04:39):
the goal. That's what we want to do. But even
if you don't get a chance to, are you sitting
in gratitude? Like? Are you swimming in an ocean of gratitude?
Is that what you are doing? If you are not?
Pull on you because that was the goal. Anyway, What
are y'all sipping on right now? Let me know what
y'all drinking? So friends and came forward today's jam. The

(05:12):
artists for this jam were they had another song as
a jam a few months ago. And the reason that
this is the jam is because last week I woke
up and this song was playing in a dream that
I had. So I got up and I turned on

(05:33):
some music. I turned on YouTube, actually on the TV,
and I played the song and I listened to it
probably seven or eight times as I got dressed to
go to work. And when things like that happen, when
I have a moment where in my dream there's a

(05:55):
song or I can't get a song out of my head.
I feel like it is God's way of speaking to me.
And so that song is by it sounds of blackness,
and it's called I Believe.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
Now.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
Ever, since spring break, when I went on my trip
to Virginia Beach, I've been heavy, heavy, heavy in my
gospel bag, like heavy.

Speaker 2 (06:17):
I've been listening to gospel music so much, so much.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
Actually, when I was in Virginia Beach, a song clopped
into my head and it is called I drove past
the street and it was called like Potter's Road or something,
and I was like, oh, I love that song. I
forgot what it's called, but something about the Potter. But
it goes the Potter wants to put you back together again?

(06:45):
Why did I turn that song on?

Speaker 2 (06:48):
Child?

Speaker 1 (06:49):
I was in that car crying. It's not what's coming
out of my nose. I'm falling all out. I had
to pull over into the CBS parking lot and go
into CVS to collect myself. I also needed some water,
but that's neither here nor there anyway. So Ever, since then,

(07:09):
I've been like really in my gospel bag also because
I felt like I needed to be recentered, and when
that happens, gospel music does it for me.

Speaker 2 (07:26):
It brings me back right into the middle. Okay, so.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
This song could be considered a gospel song by some.
I guess the actual genre would be like inspirational, so
to speak. But it's amazing and I'm just gonna say
some of the words and then you can go I'm
gonna play it so you can go ahead and get

(07:54):
into it. But it says I believe in the power,
and I'll never ever out it.

Speaker 2 (08:00):
Every minute, every hour, I believe.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
I believe in myself because I know I get my
help from that power in the sky. I believe, and
I love that. It starts off by saying, no need
ask me asking where I've been. Just ask me where
I'm going. Listen, that's it. Don't ask me about where
I've been. Don't ask me about my past, don't ask

(08:25):
me about what I've been through, because that does not
define me. Just ask me where I'm headed. Just focus
on what's going on in front of me. And it's
a reminder to me and to you to stop worrying
about what's happened in the past, just focusing on what's
in front of you. And one line says, I don't

(08:50):
know exactly what it says. But I'm feeling something. I'm
feeling so good I have to raise my hand and rejoice,
say a few words to praise him every time I
lift my voice. Listen, y'all better talk to whoever y'all
give praise to.

Speaker 2 (09:07):
You.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
Better talk to God or Krishna or whoever outlaw, whoever,
the plant in your living room, whatever it is, the
head of lettuce, whatever it is, Buddha, whatever it is.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
Because praise and worship and.

Speaker 1 (09:31):
All those things are rooted in gratitude, because that's what
it's really about. And that song, to me, was perfect
to close out the gratitude challenge because it's over on
the twenty first.

Speaker 2 (09:48):
That was fast. So to close out the gratitude challenge.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
What a great song anyway get into it.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
It's a great song. Also, let me just say this.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
I don't if you guys know this or not, and
I know that a lot of you guys may not
be into astrology the same way I am.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
But Mercury is retrograde. Right now? What does that mean?
Excuse me?

Speaker 1 (10:12):
It means that the planet Mercury has slowed down.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
And if I'm not.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Mistaken, I think it means that it starts going in
the opposite direction. Hold on, let me find out. Okay,
So it says here that when Mercury is retrograde, it
doesn't mean that the planet is actually moving backward. Mercury retrograde,
and this is per reader's digest. Mercury retrograde is an

(10:41):
optical illusion where the planet Mercury looks as if it's
moving backward from our view on Earth. The illusion occurs
multiple times a year because it takes just eighty eight
days for Mercury to circle the Sun compare with Earth
three hundred and sixty five days. As such, astrologists think
that the areas of life rude by this planet, such

(11:03):
as communication and travel, can also take a step in
the wrong direction.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Okay, there we go. So it's not moving backward.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
It's just an optical illusion because the galaxy is magical.
I will say this about mercury retrograde though it's real.
I'm experiencing it, and I am experiencing it.

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Excuse me.

Speaker 1 (11:29):
In this moment, as I'm recording, something got wonky with
my sound effects. But guess what before it got wonky
in my sound effects with my recording. I go to
open my soundpad and all of my sound effects are gone,

(11:49):
all of them, all of them, and I have a lot.
I just use the same ones over and over because
they're my faves. They feel like things that I say
in real life. All of them gone, So now I
have to find them. I have to download them again,
and then I have to add them and name them
and get them all right in my soundpad again. So

(12:14):
thanks Mercury Retrograde. For those of you who don't believe
it's real, that's fine. You don't have to because I
know otherwise. Anyway, get into the song here, because I
do believe in myself, and I know I get my
help from that power in the sky.

Speaker 2 (12:32):
I believe me kill I think. Another thing is being vulnerable.

(13:20):
You know, you have to.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
There's a certain level of vulnerability that you have to
embody and embrace and accept in order to be authentic.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
It means that I gotta just be who I.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
Am and all of my ugly and all of my nasty,
you know, because you know I.

Speaker 2 (13:39):
Have a good time.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
You know, I think that I'm a relatively kind person
and I'm sweet, but sometimes I can be nasty. Sometimes
I can say mean shit about people. I'm gonna talk
about people. Oh she ugly, Oh her shoes is ugly.
Sometimes I can do that.

Speaker 3 (13:56):
To me.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
I think that because I accept who I am, I
don't in a space of like I'm not gonna be
and I don't beat myself up about it either. I
don't sit here and pick it apart, like, oh it's
my self esteem and no, sometimes I just want to
laugh at people's ugly fucking shoes.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
It's very simple. It's funny to me.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
I always say on this show that I will never
like tear somebody down for, you know, something that is
beyond their control, in the sense of like, like some
people say really mean things about people. I don't If
me and my friends are sitting there and somebody walk
by and her shoes is bussy girl, why she got
them shoes on? Why would she do that? We laugh,
we have a good time, we keep it moving. But

(14:36):
I would never try to like hurt somebody or embarrass
or humiliate somebody. That's not where I'm coming from. But like,
I sit in the fact that sometimes I mean it's
a part of who I am. I'm not gonna fight
it either, because I feel like there are so many
other wonderful things about myself and I'm off human being,

(14:58):
so I'm not gonna be And I think.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
This is where that whole.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Perpetrating the frog can get real tricky for some people.
I'm not perfect. It's a lot of things about me
that are jacked up. But on the flip side, there
are so many wonderful things about me as a human
and I embrace them. But I also embrace the shadow
side of me, because another side of me that is
not as filled with flowers and daisies and essential oils

(15:27):
that are good for calming the mind. That's not what
I'm not always about that.

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Some people, I.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Think, want people to really believe that they are flowers, candy,
unicorns and icicles with sugar on them all day long,
every day.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
That's bullshit. God don't even make us like that. Yeah, Yeah,
God don't make people like that.

Speaker 3 (15:53):
Yeah. And I think that you know that is you
know when you think about getting to that place of
authenticity where you are honest with yourself.

Speaker 4 (16:04):
About who you are and how you present.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
Right, Because part of becoming self aware is first and
foremost being able to answer the.

Speaker 4 (16:15):
True question of how do I see myself?

Speaker 2 (16:18):
Right?

Speaker 4 (16:19):
And then the next thing is how do others see me.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
So now it's how you know, how do people experience ebany?

Speaker 4 (16:28):
How does people experience make it?

Speaker 3 (16:30):
And then we talked about how do I want others
to see me? And I think that what happens is
the disconnect in the in the the the distortion. The
distortion comes in with how do others see me?

Speaker 4 (16:49):
And how do I want them to see me?

Speaker 3 (16:51):
And that right there, that's that's the delusion at times
because it's like, I want you to see me as good,
but my bi behavior shows you otherwise. And so that
whole reality has to come in alignment. So when we
talk about acknowledgment, when we talk about, you know, being

(17:11):
honest with yourself, being humble enough to say, hey, this
is who I really am. I want to read something
it says self awareness is the conscious knowledge of one's
own character, feelings, motives, and desires. It is the ability

(17:32):
to reflect on oneself and recognize patterns in one's thoughts, behaviors,
and emotions.

Speaker 4 (17:41):
And so that.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
First part of it is knowledge of one's own character.
You know how many times we lie to ourselves about
who we really are? Like you know, when you know
how many times if someone said to us who are you?
And we come up with all these things, and then
we think about it's like, wait, who am I?

Speaker 2 (18:02):
You know what I mean, It's a hard question to answer.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
It's a difficult question to answer because the first thing,
I think, the first thing that we think about is
that is what do I want them to know about me?

Speaker 4 (18:12):
Apps?

Speaker 3 (18:13):
And that goes back to that competing and that distorting
kind those distorting kind of paradigms of who do others
see me as?

Speaker 4 (18:23):
And how do I want to be seen?

Speaker 3 (18:25):
And so part of that self awareness piece, it draws
you into this because now you have to be willing
to see yourself as other people see you so that
you can change who you really are, because if you don't,
then you'll keep presenting something that you think is different.

(18:46):
But you know, the fact of the matter is it's
not your true self.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
I also think another thing. I just read something. I
think another thing is it says I'm going to read
something it says why do people lack self awareness? It
says people who are not self aware are afraid to
be vulnerable. They are worried that they will be judged
or rejected by others. And then I thought, this is
a hot ticket item which causes them to remain unaware

(19:11):
of their feelings, thoughts, motives, and behaviors. All I could
think of when I've read that is rejection because at
the root, at the root of all this, it makes
me think about the fact that people nobody wants to
be rejected. Everybody wants to be you know, people can
tell that because this is being not self aware too.

Speaker 2 (19:31):
I don't care if people don't like me. Shut the
fuck up.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yes, nobody wants to walk around and not be liked
by anybody. I understand the concept of not making it
the forefront or your reason for living.

Speaker 2 (19:46):
But you want to be liked.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
Nobody wants to be in a situation where people are
frowning their face up at you or treating you with
disdain or rejecting you. Because rejection sucks, and it makes
us feel bad about about ourselves.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
It does.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
Being judged sucks, and it makes us question our value
and our.

Speaker 2 (20:07):
Worth, and so does rejection. And so it makes me think.

Speaker 1 (20:13):
That when we are afraid to be vulnerable, and we
are so worried about what other people think and how
other people perceive us, not that we shouldn't be concerned
about our public what's the word. I'm thinking of evening
our public image because you should. You should be concerned
at some point or somewhat about how you are viewed.

(20:36):
It should not drive how you decide to navigate, but
you should be concerned. I don't want to be seen
as a mean, old hag. I don't want to be
seen as, you know, somebody who doesn't know how to
treat people nicely, or who can't who's awkward in social situations.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
I don't. I'm talking about for me. Mimi does not
want that.

Speaker 1 (20:57):
But when we're so wrapped up up in how we
want other people to see us, we do become unaware
of our own feelings. We become unaware of how we think,
what our values are, what our motives are, the things
that make us tick. Because we're so worried about with Joe, Sam, Keisha,

(21:18):
Pam and Tilly thinks that we should do, or how
we think that they see us, that we don't even
think about how we see us.

Speaker 3 (21:27):
Absolutely, and one of the devastating things that happens in
that scenario is that you become what they need. And
so when you become what they need, you lose who
you are. And so that you know, again becomes the

(21:48):
internal conflict that we experience because now we are being
everything to everybody or for everybody, but we yet deny ourselves.
That's where, you know, we have to get to that
place where we're being reflective, we're being honest about where

(22:08):
we are, and we're sitting in it for a minute
enough long enough to be able to be honest with
ourselves about what is there, and also be honest with
ourselves about what I want to change and what I
don't want to change, because sometimes what happens is if
we are focused more on how people perceive us, then

(22:32):
will become what they need, okay, and then when they
leave our lives and someone else comes, will be what
they need. And so it's a constant it's a constant
internal battle of shaping yourself into what each person needs.

Speaker 4 (22:50):
It's almost like shape shift. It's okay, I go, and
you know I'm with me me now, so me me
needs all of these things. So that's what I'm being
to become for her.

Speaker 3 (23:03):
And then you get to this place in your life
where you like, darn this.

Speaker 4 (23:07):
And then it's like who am I?

Speaker 3 (23:09):
I don't even know I'm fifty and I don't even
know want and and and let me say this, and
and I do not and I certainly do not leave
myself out with this, but I will say as a therapist,
and I'm going to say, you know, ten years ago,
I would have said that I mostly hear this from women,

(23:33):
but I'm finding more and more that it's with men
as well in some aspects. But people, men and women
get to their lives where they have been everything to
everybody for so long. When you when they get to
that place where they start working on themselves, you know
what the hardest challenge is, they can't even discover. They

(23:57):
can't they don't even understand what they like, what they
don't like, what they prefer, what their hobbies are. We
often get to that place so stuck where it's like,
you know what, I've been everything to everybody for so long,
and I'm sitting here thinking what.

Speaker 4 (24:15):
Do I like? I don't even know?

Speaker 2 (24:20):
But what you said, who am I? Who am I?

Speaker 3 (24:24):
And that is the I mean when I tell you,
that is a prevailing question that I often have with
middle age men and women when it comes to getting
to a place in their lives where they realize I'm
stuck I'm not happy.

Speaker 4 (24:43):
I need a change. But guess what, I don't know
what that change is.

Speaker 3 (24:49):
And part of the reason why you don't know what
the change is because you have to go back and
discover you first. And it's not until you discover you
first all create you again that you that you are
able to answer that question you know and that part,

(25:11):
and that's where the real work comes in.

Speaker 1 (25:15):
It's so funny that you said that. I remember a
long time ago, my cousin Julia, had like this girl's
night at her house and one of her friends came over.
And she was a stay at home mom, her husband worked,
she had three kids, and her kids were getting older,
they were in high school. And she said, you know,

(25:36):
and she started to cry, and she said, you know,
I have. I'm looking up now and I'm spending more
time alone now because the kids are getting older and
they're in high school and they're much more independent and
they don't need me. And I'm looking around and I'm
washing people's clothes, and I'm making people's food, and i'm cleaning,
doing the laundry, and I'm making the bed. And I've

(25:58):
looked up and realized that I don't even know who
I am anymore. Absolutely, all I know is that I'm
their mother, I'm his wife, I'm their cook, I'm the
maid in the house. But who am I like? What
do I like? What do I want to do with
the rest of my life? Because at some point my
kids are going to graduate and they're gonna move on.
They're going to go on with their lives, even if

(26:20):
they're still living in the home. Like they're going to
go on with their lives. What am I going to
do when they don't need me anymore? And I will
never forget that, Ebony. I was in my twenties. I
was in my mid to early twenties, and I just
remember thinking, I don't ever want.

Speaker 2 (26:34):
To be like that.

Speaker 1 (26:36):
And I felt so much empathy for her before I
even knew what empathy was. I was like, oh my god,
I feel so I might have started crying, you know,
I will cry, honey.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
I might have started.

Speaker 1 (26:47):
Crying because it just made me so sad for her
to be in a space where you have catered to
everyone else's needs for so long that you don't even remember,
you have ventured so far away from your center that
you don't even.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
Really know who you are anymore. That is scary to me.

Speaker 4 (27:08):
Yeah, and I think that. You know.

Speaker 3 (27:12):
What I will say is that first and foremost, been there,
done that, and I know all about it. And what
I will say is it doesn't even necessarily have to
be the woman or the man with the kids, and
maybe the wife or the husband. But the other part
that is a beautiful thing about our lives. But if

(27:36):
we're not self aware, we'll make it negative. Is that
I truly believe that we have seasons in our lives
where we are focused in one zone. Okay, so we
have you know, I'll use me as an example. I'm
a therapist. I've been a therapist for twenty or so
years or whatever that is. I get to my twenty

(27:58):
fifth year and I realize something great.

Speaker 4 (28:01):
I don't want to do this anymore.

Speaker 3 (28:03):
So now I'm lost because I've been this for so long,
and so now I have the wonderful opportunity of having
the carriage to create something different.

Speaker 2 (28:18):
Preacher, come on now.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
But if I'm not self aware of the shift and
of the change and what's happening inside of me, right,
I'll turn that into something that is not I'll turn
that into I'm not happy with this.

Speaker 4 (28:35):
I'm not happy with the job. They trying to do this.

Speaker 3 (28:38):
You know, I'll turn the focus outwardly or externally as
opposed to recognizing that maybe I'm shifting to another season
in my life. And so again, that is why self
awareness is so important, because it's it's really about how
we are experiencing ourselves. Not just about how we see ourselves,

(29:01):
but what we are experiencing. Because I've worked with people
who don't have the family and the kids, who haven't
been you know, a wife or a husband.

Speaker 4 (29:11):
But they get to a stage in.

Speaker 3 (29:12):
Their life and they're like, I don't know what I want.
I've been this, I've done this, and I don't want
to do that anymore.

Speaker 4 (29:19):
But people keep keeping me there.

Speaker 3 (29:22):
You know how we we start victimizing ourselves in creating
this reality.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
You see that a lot of jobs.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
You see that a lot in workplaces where people are like,
I got to stay here because well we work out
of school.

Speaker 2 (29:35):
These kids need me, baby, No they don't. Absolutely, you
think you're the only person who can help kids.

Speaker 3 (29:40):
Absolutely, And we create these victimizations that are not even
you know, they're keeping me and they're holding me back. No,
you're holding you are afraid you're just afraid to start over.

Speaker 4 (29:55):
You're just afraid to create something different.

Speaker 3 (30:09):
And so you know, there is so much power in
being self aware when you have the carriage to be
honest and humble, and you know, being able to honor
your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences without judging you, without
criticizing you, you know, first being honest about what's there

(30:32):
and then doing the correction later. Like we can deal
with changing, but first I need to figure out what's
in there. I need to figure out what's in there
first before I start censoring it, because like you talked about,
you know, we can think some pretty you know, some
pretty kind of mean things and it's in us and

(30:55):
it's like, oh, nobody hears our experiences, but we do
and we know it.

Speaker 4 (31:01):
But I'm not going to deny that I think that way.

Speaker 3 (31:04):
I'm going to be honest with myself and then work
on changing.

Speaker 4 (31:09):
That thought pattern. But if I don't be honest with that,
I can't change.

Speaker 2 (31:13):
It, because you're pretending absolutely.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
I will say something that while you were talking that
I was thinking about because I do feel like I'm
a relative. I think I feel like I'm pretty self
aware and even to the point where I will do
course correction like, wait a.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
Minute, you know, girl, you ain't telling truth stuff.

Speaker 1 (31:32):
I feel like there's a freedom that I feel just
being me, and I can say that I know what
that feet freedom feels like because I know what it's
like to not be me. I know what it's like
to put on And I think people thought that when
I was in that space that I was being authentic

(31:53):
and I was being myself. The thing is that I
had gotten so good at pretending.

Speaker 2 (32:00):
And at.

Speaker 1 (32:02):
What is it and manipulating people that they thought that
that's who I was. But the truth of the matter
is that I was not being my true self. There's
a freedom that I feel now in just being who
I am and just being and being honest about who
I am.

Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yes, I am, you know.

Speaker 1 (32:23):
In the instance, let's say, in a romantic situation or
in a situation where you're dating somebody, you don't A
lot of times you don't tell the other person when
they hurt your feelings because you don't want to seem soft.

Speaker 2 (32:35):
You don't.

Speaker 1 (32:36):
And sometimes I feel like this is trauma based, especially
with I would say minorities or with people of color.
But I'm black, so I'm going to speak to the
black experience because I don't want to speak for Asians,
or for Latino people, or for Polynesian people. I don't
want to do that because I can't speak to that experience.

(32:56):
But as a black person, as a black woman, I
know some time I have been in spaces where I
did not want to tell a man that he hurt
my feelings because I didn't want him to one use
that against me. I didn't want him to think that
he had some kind of power over me, like you know,

(33:17):
I don't want him thinking that he got me like that,
when in fact, he got me like that.

Speaker 4 (33:22):
You know what I'm saying, the.

Speaker 1 (33:23):
Brother, The brother had me losing my mind, Okay, but
I didn't want that man to know. But here I
am calling all of my friends, crying, sliding down walls,
not running down my mouth.

Speaker 2 (33:34):
They got to take me out.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
We gotta have tea, They gotta sit in the park
with me while I cry.

Speaker 2 (33:39):
He had me like that?

Speaker 1 (33:42):
What is wrong with just being honest, like you got
me out here looking crazy. You don't have to necessarily
say that, but you can't. There's nothing wrong with saying
you really hurt my feelings. It's okay to say I
don't like that you did that to me, or I
don't like that you said that to me, whatever, he says.
You just sent me a text message before we got

(34:04):
on here about something I was talking to you about,
and it was a diagram about the things that are
in our realm of control. Because I got that real bad,
me and my therapist be working hard on me being
comfortable with uncertainty.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
Right.

Speaker 1 (34:20):
I heard something today that said if you are stuck
in the past too much, typically you are depressed. And
if you are stuck in the future or worried about
the future, you are anxious. But if you are comfortable
right in the present, then you feel peace.

Speaker 4 (34:37):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (34:38):
Yes, And I want to say it was like a
Tibetan monk or some kind of you know, you know,
one of those I'm not or in gay kill. It
was one of them kind of people. But I feel
like there's a freedom that I experience now just being myself,
not wanting to be a people pleaser all the time,

(34:58):
not feeling like I'm obligated to do certain things, saying
no when I want to say no, saying yes when
I want to say yes. There's a freedom in that
and I think that goes back to the very first
thing that we said when we've started first started speaking,
and that is when you have this wall up or

(35:19):
when you are so focused on being something that you
are not, you don't get to experience the fullness of
your life. Like you miss out on so much like
goodness that you can't even see it as goodness because
you too busy trying to make sure that somebody don't
see you as something else, or somebody don't see you
as weak, or they don't see you as a punk,

(35:41):
or they don't think that you're easily manipulated, or they
don't think that you're mean, or they don't think that
you're not smart. Like, it's amazing to me how much
time people spend trying to be somebody that they're not,
And like I said, you're just missing out on the
fullness of your life.

Speaker 3 (36:00):
Yeah, And you know, I also thought about some of
the work that we do with identifying our true feelings,
and this has everything to do with self awareness because
one of the benefits of self awareness is it helps
us to identify our true feelings.

Speaker 4 (36:20):
It helps us to be honest about.

Speaker 3 (36:22):
What we really feel so that we can manage and
control it better, right, And that is such a powerful
tool of self awareness and one of the things that
I often do, especially when I'm working with people who
have you know, who have a tendency of demonstrating or

(36:46):
displaying powerful emotions.

Speaker 4 (36:49):
As opposed to vulnerable ones.

Speaker 3 (36:51):
And what I mean by that is someone can be afraid,
but what they'll show you is anger, because anger tends
to be more in control and more dominant as opposed
to feel you know, having that fear demonstrates a level
of vulnerability and inadequacy.

Speaker 4 (37:11):
And so first and.

Speaker 3 (37:12):
Foremost what we do is we kind of you know,
identify what they say that they're experiencing on the feeling will.
So they may say anger, but as you go to
different levels of the feeling will, it talks about embarrassment,
it talks about fear. And oftentimes what I find is

(37:32):
that although they are their external expression is anger, really
what they're experiencing is embarrassment and fear and shame.

Speaker 4 (37:43):
But it looks to other people like anger. And I
think that.

Speaker 3 (37:48):
When we when we're honest with ourselves about what I
am actually.

Speaker 4 (37:52):
Feeling, I can better manage it or handle it.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
You know, I'm able to say, you know, if I'm anger,
what's going to happen when I'm angry. When I'm angry,
I'm looking for a target. I am looking for someone
to blame. But when I admit, when I admit that
I am afraid, or when I admit that I am embarrassed,

(38:17):
that causes me to focus on me.

Speaker 4 (38:19):
It doesn't cause me to focus on external things.

Speaker 3 (38:23):
It causes me to get in touch with why am
I embarrassed because they expose me because they you know,
whatever that is, yes, whatever that looks like.

Speaker 4 (38:33):
Whatever that looks like.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
And so that's why self awareness is such a powerful
tool for all of us, because if we can just
get in touch with our emotions, we won't have the negative,
you know, expressions and the mishandling of it as much
as we do when we're not aware.

Speaker 1 (38:56):
Listen, you said something that was very interesting to me,
and that was you talked about this feelings wheel. My
black ass didn't know what a feelings wheel was until you,
because I didn't know that there was a wheel of feelings.
Remember when you told me about it and I was like, well,

(39:16):
what does it look like? And I said, okay, so
this makes sense because I had heard many times that
anger is a secondary emotion that wheel, and I'm gonna
forensicat I'm going to put a link to the feelings
wheel in the show notes. Look at it because it's
something to marvel at when you think about reflecting and

(39:39):
really dissecting. For those of you who are thinking like,
how can I be more self aware? How can I
be more in tune with my feelings, look at this
wheel because a lot of times what you said, Ebney
is so right. People will present powerful emotions so that
they don't seem vulnerable.

Speaker 2 (39:57):
Or we absolutely so.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
I present like I am angry, but the truth of
the matter is that I'm disappointed, or the truth of
the matter is that you hurt my feelings. The truth
I see this a lot. I have a family member
who does this big time. The truth of the matter
is that you know I'm sad. The truth of the
matter is that I'm confused or I'm afraid. But I'm

(40:20):
going to present like I'm angry because I'm gonna feel
like I have some control not only over myself, but
in my mind. I may even be able to have
some control over you. And then you can feel less dominant,
or you can feel like you are not as powerful
as me because I am angry.

Speaker 3 (40:39):
Absolutely absolutely, And our levels of expression when it comes
to our feelings, they look the same, but they're not
the same, right, and you know, and it's so simple,
but we don't always understand that. And what I mean
by that is, think about your tears. Okay, their tears come.

(41:01):
It could be because you're sad, it could be because
you're happy, it could be because you're empathetic.

Speaker 4 (41:08):
Now, it's all the level.

Speaker 3 (41:11):
Of expression is the same, but the meaning and the
source of it is very different. And so when we
think about all of these emotions that are our secondary
but yet they're the first ones you see sometimes.

Speaker 4 (41:27):
You know, and I would not what I would not do.

Speaker 3 (41:30):
Is try to interpret someone else's for primary and secondary emotions.
But this is strictly about us mastering us.

Speaker 2 (41:40):
Okay, So just so y'all know, Just so y'all know,
don't play with me.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
Ebne Ebany is always telling me that I'm always trying
to diagnose people because in my mind, I probably should
have been that therapist. I probably should have been a therapist.
I probably would have been very good at it.

Speaker 2 (41:58):
It's never too late. Who's say that I won't be
in five years, but.

Speaker 1 (42:03):
I'll be trying to diagnose people, and I will ask
her it's your fault, though, because my first year at
that school, you gave me that book and I started looking,
or maybe like my third year, she gave me this
book with all these diagnoses in it. I started reading
it and I was like, I knew that was what
she had or you know what, Ebony, I was reading
through that book and you know what.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
It turns out that my such and such and such
got this right here. What is it called histrionic behavior?

Speaker 4 (42:29):
Yes, she got that.

Speaker 2 (42:30):
Listen, I'm a diagnose you baby, So I know you
was throwing.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
A little dig at me about don't be diagnosing people's
primary emotions.

Speaker 3 (42:38):
No, no, the reason why and I wasn't doing that
digg at you. But the reason why that is so
important is because a lot of times will spend time thinking, oh,
you feel this way. We attempt to control other people's narratives,
and you have to be careful about that. Self awareness
is about you and how you experience the world and

(43:02):
how other people experience you. Other people have to do
that for themselves too, you know. So we get into
arguments with people and we're like, you're trying to do this.
You don't know what they're trying to do, so don't
you know, So don't go to the primary. You deal
with what's in front of you. But as we're you know,
but we're talking about self awareness, and so the reason

(43:26):
why it's so powerful because it helps you to identify,
but then it also helps you to control the truth, right,
because now you have the willingness to look beyond what
you're showing everybody else, and then you're able to see
what's really there. But then the other thing that that
you know, another way that that benefits you is it

(43:48):
helps you to make better decisions. When you are truly
aware of the feeling that you're experiencing in that moment,
you're oftentimes not as irrational, right, and.

Speaker 4 (44:01):
Not as reactive as.

Speaker 3 (44:03):
You would be if you are, you know, remaining in
that secondary emotion.

Speaker 4 (44:08):
So we're talking about how the.

Speaker 3 (44:10):
Self awareness causes you to gain a greater level of
self control, and then it also helped you in the
area of decision making because it's like, now I know
what I'm working with, so I know what I have
to do with that. Now can people know all of
this and still act a full absolutely, because it bends

(44:31):
down to choice.

Speaker 4 (44:33):
What is not choice?

Speaker 1 (44:34):
Come on, now, come on now, come on choice today.

Speaker 2 (44:42):
Listen and see.

Speaker 1 (44:43):
The funny part about that thought is that people oftentimes
go through life not realizing that you choose this, You
choose to do these things. You chose these outcomes, whether
or not you want to own it or not, you
are choosing to do these things, and so as a result,

(45:07):
you know, it's just like we tell the kids, for
every action, there is a reaction. For everything you do,
something else is going to happen as a result of
what you did.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
That's just the nature of life.

Speaker 1 (45:18):
It's science cause and effect, and for every action there's
an equal.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
Or greater or lesser whatever reaction.

Speaker 1 (45:29):
I don't understand when grown people move or navigate or
act and then don't expect for there to be recourse
behind what they do.

Speaker 3 (45:39):
And the reason why I think that that happens is
because naturally, you know, we are often self centered people
in soul. We're we're not thinking about the consequences as
much as we're thinking about the level of expression in
that moment and what we want to do, what we

(46:00):
want to get out of and how we want to
demonstrate something. So I think that sometimes the consequence is
not considered, or if it is considered, we may say
or think I got time for that, you know, like
I don't care about the consequences because this is what
I want to do. And so in that moment, you're

(46:23):
thinking about you and only you.

Speaker 4 (46:26):
And part of self awareness.

Speaker 3 (46:28):
Going back to that ability to help us to be
more self controlled and to become better decision makers. But
then I think, you know, one of the other things
that is more important about the benefit of self awareness
is it really helps us to, you know, really recognize

(46:49):
where the corporate lies. Because when we are self aware,
we don't get to blame other people for our stuff
because now we are honest, we are open, and we're
reflective about what's our stuff.

Speaker 4 (47:04):
And this is truly important.

Speaker 3 (47:06):
And this is a whole another topic, but I think
that for those of us who may struggle with that
personality style of passive aggression, this is where self awareness
is so powerful, because a passive aggressive person will smack
you and say that they're okay, you know, like I'm

(47:27):
not mad, but they don't smack you, they don't slam
the door, but they're saying they're not not fine, So
I'm fine, everything is okay, but their actions are totally,
you know, contrary to what they're saying, and self awareness
comes in where it's like, you know what, I'm upset.

Speaker 4 (47:48):
I'm mad, I'm angry.

Speaker 3 (47:50):
I am angry because I not because of what you did,
but because of I. And I think that it's important
because the more self aware we are, the less we
are the victim, because we own our feelings and we
recognize where the interpretation comes from.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
But I do feel like some people. I feel like
some people like being a victim, like it's a fun
place to be for people, because it's like a lot
of this. At the root of a lot of this
is a lack of self awareness. Which is funny because
I've read this thing that said self awareness. I didn't
know that there were five levels of emotional intelligence. But yes, yeah,

(48:31):
I didn't know that, but I mean, I'm not a clinician,
so I don't know all that stuff.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
I did read though.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
That self awareness goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence,
and so many adults are walking around lacking social and
emotional intelligence that it seems easier to blame someone else
for something that you essentially you did when you chose
to do it, okay, And when you said somebody walks

(48:59):
around and they slammed the door, they slap and say,
well they did this. It makes me think of an
abuser who say why do you make me at who
who will say something like why do you make me
act like this?

Speaker 2 (49:09):
What are you talking about?

Speaker 4 (49:10):
What absolutely are.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
I didn't want to hurt you? Well, why did you
do it? Then? Like absolutely this is this was your decision?

Speaker 1 (49:20):
And I think that until people It makes me think
about again when you talk about when you first start
treating people or seeing people and dealing with mental health
issues and mental health services, like until they get to
the place where they can say like, all right, that
was me, I did that.

Speaker 2 (49:40):
Damn I did that. But that goes back to what
you said.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
Sometimes you got to see the destructure the destruction before
you can heal the destruction or before you can clean
it up, and it goes that's that whole hurricane thing.
I can't clean the hurricane mess up until the hurricane
is finished. Then I can go and I can clean
it up and we can start a project, and the
Red Cross gonna come and FEMA and they're gonna clean
it up. But we can't do that until it happens.

(50:05):
But a lot of people don't want to call FEMA.
A lot of people don't want to do the work
to do the cleanup. But if you don't get to
a place where you want to do the work, then
you just live a life, a convoluted life of delusion,
or as the kids call it now delulu. And you're delusional.
You're walking around deceiving other people. But in addition to that,

(50:27):
and more importantly, you are being deceptive to yourself. But
I tell you who, you ain't fooling God.

Speaker 3 (50:35):
That's right, You're not full And at the end of
the day you'll always come to that. You'll always come
to face to face with yourself and with your God.
And you have to deal with or come to terms
with what you see and who you experience.

Speaker 4 (50:55):
But you know you you said something just now.

Speaker 3 (50:58):
It It makes me think about the cost of freedom, right,
and so part of the cost of freedom it requires.

Speaker 4 (51:08):
Us to give up something.

Speaker 3 (51:10):
Right, there is a cost, and so we have to
sacrifice our realities, our delusions of grande ur. We have
to sacrifice you know, these created personality types or you
know these defensive structures that we have created to protect us.

Speaker 4 (51:30):
From more harm.

Speaker 3 (51:32):
We have to begin to, you know, to sacrifice those
things in order for us to get in touch with ourselves.
And as a clinician, you know, when I first worked
with when I first started working with people, that's one
of the things that I ask them in the very beginning.
First of all, I ask them what they want out

(51:53):
of the connection and the relationship, But then I ask them,
what are you willing to give up? And a lot
of time people are not, you know, they're not equipped
to answer that question yet, especially when we talk about
like married couples and family sessions. It's like, Okay, you
want to work on this relationship, what are you willing

(52:14):
to give up?

Speaker 4 (52:14):
Are you willing to give up your perspective?

Speaker 3 (52:17):
Are you willing to give up your idea of who
she or he is, you know, as opposed to who
they really are or what they're what they're.

Speaker 4 (52:27):
Experiencing with you.

Speaker 3 (52:29):
And so again, when we're talking about becoming this tremendously
self aware person, it's really you being willing to give
up something that has protected you for so long, but
it has also imprisoned you.

Speaker 1 (52:55):
Whoa there it is that right there, that is exactly
what I'm thinking about. You just said it much more
eloquently than I did, or than I can when I
think about not experiencing when I keep coming back to this,
not experiencing a full life or the fullness of joy,

(53:19):
the fullness even I would even take it. If we're
gonna be spiritual, and I know you don't ever shy
away from that, right No, ma'am, We're not shining away.

Speaker 2 (53:28):
From that, Jesus, Jesus.

Speaker 1 (53:29):
If we are talking about experiencing the fullness of God
and the fullness of the life that God has for us,
like we won't get to see that. Even if you
think you are living a good life and you have
a lot of degrees and a lot of money, and
you have a husband and you have the children, or
you have the wife and the children and the all

(53:51):
of the things that you want, you are still missing
out on the fullness of God and the fullness of
the joy and the peace that God has for you.
Because He holding it for you, he ain't gonna ever,
he ain't gonna ever let it. He gonna keep it
in this little trinket box right here on the shelf
for you and when you ready, he gonna take it
down and he gonna give it to you. But you

(54:12):
are not really getting a chance to experience that because
you are so caught up in trying to uh perpetrate
the fraud. As we used to say, Absolutely, you so
busy trying to make sure that you're accepted by other people,
liked by other people. And there's nothing wrong with wanting
to be accepted, wanting to be liked, not wanting to

(54:32):
be rejected, not wanting to be abandoned. There's nothing wrong
with that. And now I understand the trauma. I understand
probably more than most humans on the planet, the trauma.

Speaker 2 (54:41):
That is associated with that. Trust me.

Speaker 1 (54:44):
But there comes a time where you have to say,
and maybe because of my trauma, Ebany, I have had
to say, I've been abandoned, I've been rejected, I've been
all of the things.

Speaker 2 (54:55):
But now I gotta be some shit for me.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta be something for me, because
if not, I'm going to continue to be a perpetual
victim who has been abandoned, who has been rejected, who
has been unliked, who has been left and who wants
to live that way. There's nothing full and there's nothing
free about that. And I can speak on it because

(55:18):
I used to be that way. I used to live
in that space. Oh this person did this to me.
Oh that person did that. Oh this person hurt me.
Oh this person abused me.

Speaker 2 (55:28):
Oh this is yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:29):
Okay, and not to be little or minimize my trauma
because the shit happened. Okay, I'm not creating it in
my mind. It happened, but okay, it happened. But I'm
still here. I'm still wonderful. God still loves me, my
family and my friends still love me. I had to

(55:50):
figure out if all of these people still love me,
I need to figure out how to love me. I
need to figure out that I am great even though
I have flaws. I am great even though I may
have struggled with some things. I am great because I
am kind. I am great because I am funny. I
am great because I am beautiful inside and out. And

(56:11):
that is a part of self awareness. And you said it,
self acceptance is a part of self awareness.

Speaker 4 (56:17):
Absolutely. I had to accept.

Speaker 1 (56:18):
Who I was in addition to my life's experience. Because
everybody don't come from Beverly Hills with everybody ain't the
girl from Clueless. I don't remember what her name was,
and I think her name was Claire in the movie.
Everybody doesn't have that life, and sometimes that having trauma
and experiencing trauma makes you hard. It makes you want

(56:41):
to be angry. But you can't live like that forever.
You can, you can. But if you are living like
that forever, if you want me to be honest, you're
not really living.

Speaker 4 (56:50):
Absolutely you survive, you're existing.

Speaker 1 (56:53):
You're just existing. There's no thriving in your life. And
I know I keep saying this, and God is putting
it on my spirit to say this, and this was
why I keep saying it. You don't get to experience
the fullness of all of the things that God has
for you. And that's not to make this all a
churchy kind of situation, because that's not what I'm.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
Doing, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. But what I am saying is.

Speaker 1 (57:17):
You don't I don't know why I keep saying this,
and maybe God is going to reveal it to me
later on, because maybe He talking to me through me.
But there is a fullness of life and of joy
and of peace that sometimes we don't get to experience,
and we don't get to feel. We don't get to taste, smell, here,

(57:38):
touch until we let go of who we think we are.

Speaker 3 (57:44):
Absolutely I agree, one hundred percent. You know, we when
we are not living as authentically as God has created
us to be, we can experience him?

Speaker 4 (57:58):
How can we experience it?

Speaker 3 (58:00):
Is a perfect God with an imperfect mindset, with an imperfect.

Speaker 4 (58:05):
You know, image of who we are.

Speaker 3 (58:08):
How can we experience Him in our in his fullness
if we haven't even embraced.

Speaker 4 (58:14):
Ourselves in which He created?

Speaker 3 (58:17):
You know? So I truly believe that with every five
of my being. And I also believe that, you know,
when it comes to self awareness, we do ourselves a
disservice when we don't get to know this very likable
person like you know, just like you've described you know,

(58:38):
you're a cool person, like you know, I'm funny, you know,
I'm I'm I'm you know, I'm a nice person to
be around. I have a good sense of human you know,
we can have some fun, you know. And I say that,
you know, laughingly, but it's the truth.

Speaker 2 (58:55):
You know.

Speaker 3 (58:55):
How often do we get to enjoy ourselves? How often
do we of ourselves permission to be our authentic goofy
selves and be okay with that.

Speaker 1 (59:06):
It's funny that you said that, Oh, you cracking up.
You are cracking up, Yes I am, but it's fun
You're so silly. It's funny that you said that, because,
like when you said that, it made it made me
think about something that me and my best friend, Crystal

(59:29):
Ebany knows. Crystal, something that we talk about all the
time about people who want to be in relationships but
they cannot manage to spend time alone. I don't get that,
and I think I don't get it because I lived
around people for forty one years of my life, and
when I finally lived alone, I was like, what the
fuck did I wait this long for?

Speaker 4 (59:51):
Like?

Speaker 1 (59:52):
What is wrong with me? I love being with myself.
I love and it doesn't have to be anything major.
I just came back from vacation. It was a staycation.
Some days I stayed in the bed, I ordered room service,
or I walked downstairs, got the food, came back upstairs,
got back in my pajamas, got in the bed and

(01:00:13):
watched television. Or I went and sat out on a
balcony and just looked at the water. By myself. There
was nobody else and do you know how much I
enjoyed it.

Speaker 4 (01:00:23):
We always talk about like.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Seasons of solitude. You can't I believe you can't really
be a good partner to somebody until you've had a
season of solitude where it's just you, where you have
to get to a place where you have no choice,
and you could have a you could be single and
not have a season of solitude, okay, because if you're
the type of person where you need the validation from

(01:00:49):
other external factors, whether it's your grandma, your mama, your cousin,
your auntie, your dog, your cat, your co.

Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Workers, whoever it is.

Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
If you need a lot of validation from outside factors,
that's not really living in the season of solitude. A
season of solitude where it's just like CMB, we all
we got it's me up in here. You can have
a season of solitude and still have all those loving
people around you. But at the end of the day,
you realize, like I like me, and I ain't got

(01:01:17):
a problem with saying it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
Like I like me.

Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
I'm funny, i am crass, I use bad words. I
think that I'm a beautiful person on the inside. On
the outside, I'm gonna show up as me and I
accept people for who they are unless I don't. Now,

(01:01:40):
I may accept you for who you are, but that
don't mean I want to be around you.

Speaker 2 (01:01:43):
And it's okay.

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
And I just wish that we could get to a
place where people more people would just live in their
own truth because I just I want for people to
be happy because and I know that sounds so cliche.

Speaker 2 (01:01:57):
I want people to be happy. You know why. I
want people to be happy.

Speaker 1 (01:02:00):
It's a little selfish, so people can stop pouring their
yuck and their muck and their misery out on other people.
Keep that to yourself. If you miser miserable, keep it
to yourself. I love you, Ebany, thank you so much
for coming on the show today, because I'm not gonna
keep you here on this. Yes, it's just an extension
of our conversations in your office. Yes, yes, yes, we

(01:02:22):
have a good time. So I want how do people
find you? I was not joking when I said this
woman n wrote eighty seven books. Okay, she done wrote
fifty seven books, and she had come to work and
be like, oh, I'm writing another book.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
I'm like, girl, didn't you just put one out? I
just came to the book sign and thing like two
months ago. Now you're writing another book. But she writes books.
They're beautiful.

Speaker 1 (01:02:44):
Tell us a little bit about your books and where
they can find them. I'm going to have you send
me links to them so people can find them and
buy them if they want to. But tell them about
the one that you're working on right now, or can you.

Speaker 4 (01:02:57):
Yesk so so yes.

Speaker 3 (01:03:00):
I have written six books now told I am Cursed
and currently releasing maybe in the next three three weeks
my last book, which is The Sober Church, and it
is really about helping people to understand the intersection of
faith and mental health and how.

Speaker 2 (01:03:21):
You're gonna make somebody. Man, you're gonna make somebody mad
with this one. They're gonna get mad.

Speaker 1 (01:03:25):
They're gonna get mad about this because a lot of
people in the church ain't no such thing as the
mental health. If you've got a problem, you just give
it to God, because God fixes everything.

Speaker 3 (01:03:35):
But you know what, one of the things and one
of the reasons why I love, love, love this book
is because you know, as a believer, as someone who
loves the Word of God, you know, I'm finding more
and more that God's agenda has always been mental health

(01:03:56):
and wholeness.

Speaker 4 (01:03:57):
There is not a place in the Word of.

Speaker 3 (01:03:59):
God where I can't find a clinical, interventional strategy, you know,
some form of therapeutic, you know, principle.

Speaker 4 (01:04:09):
But the Word of God is full.

Speaker 3 (01:04:11):
Of interventions and strategies that we use every single day.
But what happens is we get caught up in language
it and it dismisses the intersectionality of faith and mental health,
you know, which you know, when you think about mental health,
it is a God ordained thing.

Speaker 4 (01:04:31):
It has everything to do with our well being.

Speaker 3 (01:04:35):
And you know, we are a three part being where body,
we're spirit, and we're soul, and our soul is where
our emotions lie, where our mind, you know, what's in
our thoughts and behaviors and actions. And so all of
that is tied into this book and really looking at
how God truly views through the Word of God, mental

(01:04:58):
health and wholeness. And so, you know, other books that
I have are are definitely helping people to develop an
authentic relationship with the Lord and and and helping them
to see themselves as gifts, you know. So those are
all books, and you can find all my books on
Amazon dot com. You can also find them in on

(01:05:23):
Walmart dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:05:25):
Ont you better be on you Better and Noble girl,
better get out of my face talking about some barn
you better be in.

Speaker 2 (01:05:33):
You better be on a Barnes and Noble dot com.

Speaker 3 (01:05:36):
So yeah, so you can all, you know, play with
my friends. Yeah, but I do have books. If you
ever want to visit my website, it is triplegliving dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:05:47):
Triplegliving dot com and she doesn't mean g g G
living dot com. It's actually triple the word g one
g living dot com. Do yourself a favor, you know,
I'm gonna put it in a show note so that
you guys can access it. Put it in a show
notes such so that you can have it. And I'm
actually looking forward to this next book because I think

(01:06:12):
that I never thought about Well, of course I'm not
very well versed in the Bible, but when you mentioned
that you find a lot of mental clinical or mental
health practices or I forget how you were to it.

Speaker 2 (01:06:28):
In the Bible.

Speaker 1 (01:06:29):
I am very very interested in that because I've always
had a very interesting perspective when it comes to the
Bible and when it comes to how people perceive the Bible,
because everything is like, I'm just going to take it
at its flat raw word, and I don't really think
that that was its intention.

Speaker 2 (01:06:49):
I could be wrong.

Speaker 1 (01:06:50):
I don't know, because I'm not a scholar and i'm
not a I'm not a scholar of Christianity or of religion.
But I am very interested to see like how you
make those connections.

Speaker 2 (01:07:02):
So I'm excited about that.

Speaker 1 (01:07:03):
And again, first of all, thank you for being my friend.

Speaker 4 (01:07:07):
Thank you for being my friend.

Speaker 1 (01:07:09):
Absolutely, and thank you for coming on my show. And
I think it's been a great conversation and I love you.

Speaker 4 (01:07:17):
I love you too.

Speaker 2 (01:07:19):
All right, thank you guys for listening.

Speaker 1 (01:07:41):
All right, friends, again, let's get into this straight fax
question for the episode today. Hey me me, my name
is Tony and I am what I believe to be
a heterosexual male. Well, all right, Tony, I've had my
fair share of situationships and relationships with women, and they
never seem to work out.

Speaker 2 (01:08:01):
And I'm truly wondering if I am to blame.

Speaker 1 (01:08:03):
When I was ten years old, I was touched inappropriately
several times, several times by my older male cousin who
was babysitting me.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
I'm sorry that that happened to you.

Speaker 1 (01:08:13):
Tony, like that sucks and your older cousin is gross
and he's not a good person.

Speaker 2 (01:08:18):
And I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:08:19):
I'm really sorry that that happened to you, and I
hope that you have gotten some help or talk to
somebody to work through that trauma, because that is, in
fact trauma carrying on during these interactions, I would become
aroused despoue, despite excuse me, me knowing that it was
not right. It honestly all left me pretty messed up

(01:08:42):
and confused. Now I am battling with my thoughts about
my sexuality.

Speaker 2 (01:08:47):
Mimi, do you think I'm gay?

Speaker 1 (01:08:49):
And if I'm not, why did my body become aroused
when my older cousin touch me? Does that mean that
I liked it? Tony from Fort Worth, Texas Well, Tony,
let me just say this. Our bodies are human constructs.
They're actual, They're not even a construct. Our bodies are human, right,
and our bodies have nerve endings and our body had

(01:09:11):
Our bodies have natural physiological responses to.

Speaker 2 (01:09:19):
Things, to things happening.

Speaker 1 (01:09:21):
So let me just say that becoming aroused if someone
touched you in a sexual way doesn't necessarily mean that
you like it. It's just your body responding to that
action or to that touch, or to like I said,

(01:09:44):
that action if your brain doesn't know who is touching you,
you know what I mean? And you were a little boy,
how about this. I am not a therapist. You need
to work through this with a therapist, with through a professional,
and I am not that, so you know, I can't

(01:10:09):
really I don't want to give you. I don't want
to really say too much about you, know that, because
this is tricky, you know, And it's tricky because you
asked me, do I think you're gay? I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:10:27):
Only you know.

Speaker 1 (01:10:27):
That, Tony, I don't know. I don't know the answer to that.
What I will say is that it's probably something that
you should contend with, something that you should think about
in process, and you should contend with it and process
it with a professional, a mental health professional. Not because

(01:10:49):
being gay is a mental health issue, but because there
has been trauma and you are associating your thoughts around
your sexuality and your feelings towards your sexuality with this
traumatic event. You need to work through that. I don't
know if you're gay, if you are great, if you're

(01:11:12):
not great, Like it doesn't you know, you're still probably
a really great person. You're still probably really kind. I
would hope you're kind. You're still probably a great person
to be around.

Speaker 2 (01:11:28):
You're still probably.

Speaker 1 (01:11:30):
Fun, you know, like, And I don't think that I
don't think that you should feel like you are to
blame because your relationships or your situationships don't work out.

Speaker 2 (01:11:46):
Dating is hard. Dating is hard.

Speaker 1 (01:11:49):
Finding someone that you really like and that you're truly
compatible with is hard.

Speaker 2 (01:11:55):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (01:11:55):
I just looked on my tea bag not to divert
and the tea bag, the little note on it says
gratitude leads to love. I don't know why I've read
that just now, but it does. I just think that
you need to talk to a mental health professional about
these things that you're feeling. Not again, let me be

(01:12:16):
very clear, not because your sexuality is a mental health issue, No,
that's not what I'm saying, but because you are connecting
it to or associating it with a traumatic event that
happened in your life, Because that is trauma. And your
older cousin is a piece of shit for touching you inappropriately.

(01:12:38):
Because when things like this happen, you know people who
I'm gonna call them predators. Predators never think about the
long lasting effects it's going to have on the person.

Speaker 2 (01:12:48):
And so.

Speaker 1 (01:12:51):
For whatever reason that your cousin did that, because he's
a sick fuck. Really, now you have to deal with this.
So I'm really sorry that that happened to you. And
there are so many safe spaces for you to work
through this, and I really hope that you talk to

(01:13:13):
somebody about it. You're also asked, does that mean that
you liked it?

Speaker 3 (01:13:17):
No?

Speaker 1 (01:13:18):
Like I said, our bodies have physiological responses, natural responses
to things. It's like when there's dust in a room,
we sneeze. That's a response that we don't have. We
were not really connected to we sneeze. Does that mean

(01:13:41):
that I like dust?

Speaker 2 (01:13:42):
Hell? No, I'm allerged to dust.

Speaker 1 (01:13:44):
Actually, sometimes when people touch me, I get goosebumps.

Speaker 2 (01:13:50):
Does that mean that I like their touch? No?

Speaker 1 (01:13:53):
I don't even know what goosebumps. Getting goosebumps is about.
But no, sometimes when people and I don't like it,
and I get goosebumps. So, Tony, I pray that you
find some resolve and you find some peace with this.
I know that so many people do not, and that

(01:14:14):
makes me sad. But I pray that you find some
peace in this and that you get the help that
you need. And if you are listening in my show notes,
there is a link to find yourself a therapist in
the show notes at the bottom. Get yourself, find yourself

(01:14:37):
somebody to talk to about this, and so that you
can work through it, and so that you don't have
to struggle with this by yourself and try to figure
it out on your own, because little ten year old
Tony can't really process this, and in working through this,
you are going to go back to little ten year
old Tony, and little ten year old Tony deserves some

(01:15:02):
help in processing what happened to him. Okay, frim Y,
All right, friends and ken for two days, we got
to do better. I decided to go back to that
book Black Liturgies by Cole Arthur Riley. And I told

(01:15:24):
you Cole Arthur Riley is actually a black woman. Well,
I knew Cole Arthur Riley was black, but I did
not know that Cole Arthur Riley was a woman. Shout
out to black women. I don't have my sound effects.
Can Can I just tell you that I'm struggling here? Okay,
I keep opening the app to see if the sound

(01:15:47):
effects are going to magically appear, and they don't, and
I'm heartbroken. But since it's not, I'm gonna make do. Okay,
shout out to black women and shout out to Cole
Arthur Riley, bar bar bar by. Okay, Yes I did that, okay,
and I'm not ashamed that I did it, all right, anyway.

(01:16:10):
This is from the benediction. It's the benediction from the
chapter on power, and it says, may you wake and
rest with humility in your hearts. May you be protected
from the greed and fear that tempt us to dominate others.

(01:16:30):
Chum after that, straight facts that hit a little different,
possess such moral clarity that you would be able to
be both the leader and the follower without threats to
your sense of self. May you live responsibly and tenderly,

(01:16:53):
that your power would never come at the expense of
someone else's Amen. I'm telling you I did not even
select this as a result of this straight fact question
or submission. I did not put the two together at all.

(01:17:17):
Excuse me, I didn't put the two together at all.
I'm gonna read that to you one more time because
some of us need to really think about how we
navigate and how we treat people. A lot of times
we're focused on competition and being better than somebody, and

(01:17:39):
you know, trying to dominate in your career and dominate
in school, and dominate in athletics, and dominate our partners
and dominate our children, dominate our friend groups and dominate
a room.

Speaker 2 (01:17:56):
What is that about? What is that about?

Speaker 1 (01:18:03):
It's definitely connected to ego and it's really dark if
you really really think about it. Okay, I'm going to
read it one more time again. This is from the
book Black Liturgies, and this is the section or the
chapter on power. And this is the benediction in the

(01:18:25):
chapter on power. May you wake and rest with humility
in your hearts. May you be protected from the greed
and fear that tempt us to dominate others. Possess such
moral clarity that you would be able to be both
leader and follower without threats to your sense of self.
May you live responsibly and tenderly, that your power would

(01:18:48):
never come at the expense of someone else's.

Speaker 2 (01:18:53):
AMN. Child, let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 (01:18:59):
That's something else right there, that's something else And I'm
not even gonna child.

Speaker 2 (01:19:07):
Welcome to America.

Speaker 1 (01:19:09):
All right, let me go ahead and get out of here,
because I feel a little preachy and.

Speaker 2 (01:19:13):
I ain't got time for that today. I don't. I don't.
Friends again. The first thing that I want to say
is thank you to God. First. That's the first, the
very first thing.

Speaker 1 (01:19:32):
I want to say, because God is supreme and I
recognize and appreciate the grace that God extends to me
every single day of my black ass life. I want
to say thank you to all of my ancestors. You
for riding with me, for having my back, for protecting me,
for working with God and tangent with God on excuse

(01:19:56):
me in tandem with.

Speaker 2 (01:19:57):
God on my behalf. Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Speaker 1 (01:20:03):
I want to say thank you to my folks, to
my people, to each and every one of you guys
that have been rocking with me since day one. I'm
grateful for you, immensely grateful. Ever since March the first
of twenty twenty. I am so grateful, and I thank you.
I truly appreciate you for being here and there and everywhere.
And even if you did just start listening today at

(01:20:24):
episode ninety, can you guys believe this?

Speaker 2 (01:20:27):
I'm on episode ninety.

Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
I'm on episode ninety wow.

Speaker 2 (01:20:34):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (01:20:36):
I thank you for that as well. I'm grateful either way,
and I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends,
my friends and Ken, all of my supporters, and of course,
most importantly, every single one of you guys out there listening.
I love you guys so much, and it's nothing short
of an honor, a privilege, and a blessing for me
to share my time and my energy and my thoughts
with you, because I do recognize that you ain't got

(01:20:58):
to be here because you want to be here, and
if you keep coming back to spend time with me,
I look forward to the next time that we get
to do this with one another. Now, before you exit
out of whatever streaming service you're using to listen to this,
stop what you're doing, and if you haven't already done so,
look for the subscribe or follow button. Click on it
if it's an option on the streaming service where you're listening. Next,

(01:21:20):
I want you to go over to Instagram and follow
me at hand Me my Purse podcast, Hand Me my Purse,
Excuse Me on Instagram Follow me at hand Me my
Purse Underscore podcast. Also follow me on Twitter or x
at HMMP Underscore podcast, and on Facebook just search hand

(01:21:41):
Me my Purse podcast. You can also find me on threads.
I'm on threads way more than I am on Twitter
or x and you can find me on threads through
my Instagram profile. Just click the little squiggly thing that
looks like a pigstail because that's what it looks like
to me on my Instagram profile and it will take
you to there and you can follow me there. If

(01:22:01):
you listen on a streaming service or medium that allows
you to do so, please rate and review the show
or give it a thumbs up if you can. Friends again,
be sure to share Handing my Purse with your friends,
your loved.

Speaker 2 (01:22:13):
Ones, and even the people that you don't like at
your job.

Speaker 1 (01:22:16):
Because the best way for people to find out about
this show is by you guys telling them all about it.
So tell a friend to tell a friend to tell
a friend.

Speaker 2 (01:22:26):
Please, please, I'm begging you.

Speaker 1 (01:22:30):
Submit a question for the straight Fact segment by clicking
on the link in the show notes that says submit
a question for straight Facts, or click the link in
my Instagram profile look for the button that directs you
to submit a question and who knows, your question may
be featured on an upcoming show. Also, remember that show
notes are always available in the episode description. Wherever you

(01:22:52):
are listening to the show, be sure to take a
look at the show notes because that is where I
put all of the links and other information that I'm
met during the show that you may want to check out,
in addition to some stuff that I just want to
share with you guys. Also, just so you know, the
music from hand Me my Purse is provided by none
other than West Baltimore's own Gloomy Tunes.

Speaker 2 (01:23:13):
Shout out to Gloomy Tunes. Yes, I did.

Speaker 1 (01:23:18):
Last, but not least, I want to give a big
old shout out to my producers, Evan and Taylor. Together
we make up random being on the dirty throats. And
always remember that I look forward to you looking forward
to listening to hand In My Purse the podcast each
and every Tuesday, and I'm out this bitch piece. Hand

(01:23:57):
Me My Purse is a production of iHeart podcast. For
more shows from iHeart Podcasts, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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No. 90: Self-deception & Self-Awareness + Missing Out On Living A FULL Life w/Ebony Vaughan - PART TWO.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}No. 90: Self-deception & Self-Awareness + Missing Out On Living A FULL Life w/Ebony Vaughan - PART TWO.