No. 96: Happy New Year + Peekaboo + HMMP Comes Full Circle

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Friends and Kim, what's up? It's me Auntie, Mimi. Seven
months later, since seven months since I put anything out,
and I'm not even gonna lie. I'm what I'm saying
with some respect on my name. I didn't even mean
to push that one, but I guess God said I

(00:22):
should have pushed that second one, and it was really
God like telling me to talk to myself that that
was very unscripted. Actually, this entire episode is going to
be very raw, unfiltered, and as off the cuff as possible.
I'm approaching this episode a little differently because I want

(00:44):
to be as authentic as I can be for you
in this moment and for me in this moment. There
are so many changes that are going on here at
handing my purse, and I'm going to share them with
you in just a second. But I really just want
a normal shit around here, just so that we can
all shake our shoulders out and feel good about some shit.

(01:05):
So let's just normalize some shit real quick around here.
What up? Though? So I'm going to get into some
of the changes, but one of them off the cuff
is how I'm opening the show, right, And so typically
I opened the show by reading something that I saw

(01:26):
on the Internet, or sharing something motivational, inspirational, or just
something that I found interesting or that piqued my interest
that I want to share just in case you haven't
shared it. I'm going to be a lot more intentional
with how I open the show going forward. And I
actually bought this deck. It's not a Tarot deck, although

(01:50):
nothing is wrong with a Tarot deck. But I know
some of y'all are like Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. But if
you ain't new to the show, you already know who
I am. I'm quite esoteric and eccentric. I'm a hippis
kind of like hood chick. That's a little bit of
a nerd. You know. It's a lot going on, but
I'm just I just want to be a little more

(02:10):
intentional with how I open the show now. And so
I bought a deck of cards, and I'm going to
read the front of them just so you know. I'm
not going to read from them today, but I'm gonna
read from them, so you know. It's called Grief, Grace
and Healing Oracle deck and a guide book. And I

(02:31):
can't really see this, but it's basically a deck that
I'm just going to allow God to guide me, uh
into what card I should pull and read for you guys.
And it might be a message for me, it might
be a message for you. I'm sure it's going to
resonate with somebody, so I'm going to do that. There's

(02:52):
also a book that I have called Ancestors Said, and
it's by a Hema Aura and it's three hundred and
sixty five Introspections for Emotional Healing. Then, you know, just
all kinds of things that I find that you know,
I find interesting. I want it to be a lot

(03:14):
less like scripted. So while I was really intentional before
about selecting, I kind of want God to just guide
me with the message that I use to open the
show going forward, if that makes sense. So today I'm
going to read from the book Ancestor Said. And so

(03:35):
it's dated. Everyone is dated today. It's January thirteenth. Yes,
it's January thirteenth, and this is coming out tomorrow, which
is January fourteenth. And I'll get into that a little later,
because we don't even want to talk about the panic
attack I had and the stalling that I've done trying
to prepare myself for this that's you know. I'll get

(03:56):
into that in a second, but it says here on
January thirteen. For that, let me get a light out,
because lord knows I can't see. It says you don't
need to be completely healed to be worthy of love.
There's no checkpoint in healing that makes someone more worthy
to receive love than someone else. You are worthy of
love right now as you are. And again, that is

(04:20):
from a book called Ancestor said three hundred and sixty
five Introspections for Emotional Healing by Ahma Or. I'm going
to tag that in the show notes because that is
what I do. In any social media that I put
out around this episode, I will be sure to tag
her as well. Again, the message is for somebody. Hell,

(04:44):
it may be for me. It may be for me
and you and your mama and your cousin too. Either way,
be blessed by what I just said. And let's go
ahead and move forward and get this party starting.

Speaker 2 (04:59):
Wo I.

Speaker 1 (05:20):
Can't see the things that have okay before we go
ahead and get into it. Friends, and can be sure
to subscribe wherever you listen to your podcast or you
get your media, go over to Instagram and follow me
at hand Me my Purse Underscore podcast and on threads
because I be over on threads getting my thread on,

(05:41):
I'd be sewing over there. And on Facebook just search
hand Me my Purse podcast. I promise I'm going to
try to do better with Facebook in this new year. Also,
if you can take the time out if the medium
where you listen, whether it's Apple Podcasts or Spotify or

(06:03):
wherever you listen, if you're able to rate and leave
a review for the show, that would be great. Or
leave a comment. Leave a comment on social media under
a post. I actually started a TikTok, but you know
they say that's gonna be gone, so I ain't even
gonna direct y'all there because they say it's gonna be gone.
Leave a comment under a Facebook post, or send me

(06:25):
a DM, send me something on Instagram, comment on threads.
I really just want to in this new year engage
and interact with you guys as much as possible, and
a lot more than we have in the past. That
would be great. I would appreciate it. And lastly, friends
and can be sure to share Handing my Purse with
your friends, your loved ones, and even your enemies because
the best way for people to find out about Handing

(06:47):
my Purse is by you telling them all about it.
So tell a friend to tell a friend to tell
a friend. Oh yeah, so let's really get into it.
What's up, y'all? Welcome to hand Me my Purse V Podcast.

(07:10):
I am Mimi Walker, and I will be your forever
host each and every single time you tune into this podcast.
I'm your only host here at Handy my Purse. So
go ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass of
your favorite beverage. I wait while you do so, whether
that is alkaline water, red kool Aid, a hot cup

(07:32):
of tea with honey, or some Hennessy, go ahead and
light yourself a candle, some incense, or burn some sage
and just get ready to chill out and have yourself
a good time. I want to lead you into one
of the new changes here at Handing My Purse. And
one of those things is that I am implementing something

(07:56):
called a beverage residency. Well, MEMI, what is that? What
in the world is a beverage residency?

Speaker 2 (08:06):
Also other stuff? You know.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
I got the idea from the first company or brand
that I'm gonna feature. Let me go ahead and break
to you, break down to you how this is gonna go.
Every quarter I will feature a brand at this time.
They're all local, and so far the ones that I

(08:31):
have are black owned. I don't know what I have
Quarter one down, Quarter two down, and quarter four down.
I don't have anyone from quarter three, but quarters one,
two and three are black owned local businesses. And what
happened was a gentleman or a brand. I didn't know
if it was a gentleman or a woman on Instagram

(08:53):
had a giveaway and my cousin entered me into it,
and then I entered it a from my HAMI my
purse page, not from my private page. And they responded back,
so we, you know, began chatting it up, talking, and
the owner of the brand asked me, would you be
interested in, you know, collaborating blah blah blah, and I

(09:16):
said of course, And he said, well, what about a
beverage residency? And my brain just started going, but I
mean it's spinning, and I was like, man, this is genius.
And I said, what is a beverage residency? Of course
I knew what a beverage residency could be, and I
knew what my brain started thinking about but I asked,

(09:39):
you know, what is that and he went on to
explain it, you know, his version, and then I said,
I love the idea. I said, do you mind if
I implement it? He said no, not at all, So
I said, let me run with this. And then I
started to think and I decided that I'm going to
do it quarters for each year, and starting off, it'll

(10:04):
be a local brand. I pray to God that with
the luck of Jupiter it expands and you know, who
knows where it'll go, But for now it is local.
And that brand is called homes h o l MS Hydration.
Homes Hydration is a tea company and instantly the owner

(10:29):
and I clicked. It was amazing, and we met, we
went over some stuff, we got to talk, you know
how you got to talk to make sure that you're
all on the same wavelengths and it was amazing. So
for quarter one, which is January to the end of March,
I'm going to be featuring teas that homes Hydration creates

(10:49):
in there like artisanal For me, if you listen to
the show, you know, tea is what I do. Okay,
some people are coffee drinkers. I'm not really a coffee drinker,
but tea is my ministry. I'm always talking about drinking
tea on this show. So this was a natural collaboration.

(11:10):
It was a natural marriage of brands or of whatever
you want to call it. Like, I ain't gonna try
to like make this sound all fancy because it was
just a natural marriage because I like tea a lot.
He make tea makes sense. It's a family owned company.

(11:31):
It's all ran like you know in house. Of course
he has like a setup. Of course he ain't doing
it out his bathroom. But I love that it's local Baltimore.
He's from Baltimore, and like the brother's just really on
his grind trying to get his his brand out there.
And I said, this is just perfect. So today's tea

(11:54):
that I'm drinking is called center stage, and interstage is
good for the reason that I really, excuse me, y'all
already know how I work. The reason that I like
his teas is that, like it was such a perfect
combo or collaboration because anybody who knows me knows that

(12:16):
I don't drink tea because it tastes good. You know,
I drink tea for medicinal purposes. I say that all
the time on this show. So all of his teas
have medicinal benefits. Thank you God for this Collabo. Okay,
as they used to say in rap songs Collabo in

(12:38):
the early two thousands. So the one I'm drinking is
called Center Stage, and it supports healthy gut or gut health, digestion,
and inner serenity. It has marshmallow root and leaf which
soothes and protects your digestive track. It has camomeal, which

(12:59):
calms inflammation and promotes relaxation, Turmeric and ginger which are
both anti inflammity b bl blit anti inflammatories and support
gut health, Fenyl and anise pods which relieve bloating and
support digestion. And rose petals which add a calming floral note.

(13:19):
That is his description for the tea. Okay, let me
all just let me just let you guys know, I'll
tell you in a second. So that's when I'm drinking
and I have to say, let me just sip it.
I love it because it's mild. For all of those
things that I mentioned, you would think that this tasted
like hell on Earth with rocks and bark in it,

(13:44):
and it does not. And if you're a tea drinker,
you know that some teas can be very bitter. Some
teas can taste like dirt. This is so smooth. It
doesn't have a really strong turmeric or ginger taste. You
can't really taste the rose petals, but you can definitely
see them. It's just delicious and it's beautiful. It's a

(14:07):
soft like he described as a soft floral tea. It's
not harsh, it's not heavy, it's not bitter, it doesn't
feel acidic. It really feels so gentle. And I've been
drinking it. I started drinking it hot by now, because
I'm not even gonna tell you how. I had a

(14:28):
mile panic attack preparing to record this, and I was
really pushing it to the limit. But my tea is
now ice cold, okay, but it is so good hot,
and it's also good cold. And another thing that I'm
gonna do with these teas is I'm gonna make myself
some cocktails. I just gotta get my wheels spinning and

(14:52):
see what works. But excuse me, I had a little
belchie belch. I'm gonna make some cocktails with some of
these teas, definitely, And I know that contradicts because they're
supposed to be healthy. And I want to add alcohol,
but you know what, you only live once. That's the model, yolo.

(15:14):
I'm gonna do what I want to do, and I
want to try these teeth with some alcohol. So that's
what we're finna do. Okay. So I want to know
what are y'all sipping on today. Let's toast. Raise your glass.
We're gonna toast. Fill your glass, Raise your glass, and
we are going to toast to a big comeback after

(15:36):
a minor setback. Cheers. All right, let's get into the
jam for this week. Because of some of the shifts

(15:58):
here handing my purse, a lot of things are going
back to basics, this real gorilla style around here, real
twenty twenty to twenty twenty three around here. And that
doesn't mean that I'm going backwards. It just means that
I am. It's more like I don't want to call

(16:20):
it a resurrection because I don't want to, you know,
compare myself to Jesus or compared to this podcast to Jesus.
But it's just like, you know what it is. It
is the show coming full circle. And so, like I said,
I'll get into that further when we, you know, get
into the main discussion. But the song that I picked

(16:42):
was perfect one. This dude just killed the charts in
twenty twenty four and he's from Compton. Shout out to Compton,
Shout out to my little cousin in my head, Kendrick Lamar,
Shout out to the twenty twenty four banger GNX. And

(17:06):
the song for this episode is called Peekaboo, and it
is from Kendrick Lamar's latest album gn X. If you
have not listened to that, I don't know the rock
that you've been living under, but go give it a listen.
It's quite amazing. It is all the way West Coast

(17:26):
hip hop for twenty twenty four. But one thing West
Coast hip hop is gonna always have, regardless of whether
it's nineteen eighty four or twenty twenty four, is its
always gonna have funk. The basis of most West Coast
hip hop or rap songs is the sampling and the

(17:48):
music under it is funk based. That's why they use
a lot of samples from songs from the early eighties,
late seventies, mid seventies. West Coast hip hop is funky.
It's funky. It ain't funky, it's funky. And this album,

(18:08):
I'm assuming it's a double entendre. It would make sense
this album is entitled g NX. When I see that
because of who I am, because I'm the Generation X cheerleader,
shout out the Generation X. When I see those words,
of course, that's what I think of. But when you
listen to the album, it has so many, so much honoring,

(18:33):
so many homages. I don't know if the words homages,
but there's so much homage to Generation X, the music
from Generation X, the vibe from Generation X. A GNX
is apparently a car. I don't know the details on
the car. Google it if you want to know. But
there's so much honoring Gen X, and I mean the

(18:54):
music from SWV samples I Needa Baker, samples like breakbeats
and break dance, and samples or songs from like the
early to mid eighties. It's just a dope ass album.
I mean, it's really really dope. And there's also an
homage to just West Coast rap and just West Coast

(19:17):
music period. It's so good. Anyway. The song I Chose
is my favorite song on the album, and it's called peekaboo. Right,
so I can't play the sample, but of course in
the show notes, I'm gonna link the I'm gonna have
a link there so you can go to YouTube so
you can listen to it yourself. But I love the

(19:39):
song so much because the shit slaps. Okay, it's no
getting around it. But also the title alone is pickaboo
and hey, pickaboo bitch as I'm back. I'm back on
the scene with the Gangstelene. Okay, I'm back, So go
to the show notes, listen to the song. I hope
you enjoy it, and we're just gonna go ahead and

(19:59):
get into this show now. But before we do, I
need you to just go and get something to drink,
refill your drink, go to the bathroom, because it is
time for a little break, a little time for a
little commercial break. So go ahead and run. Let these
commercials do what they gonna do, and we will be

(20:20):
right back. Jilly Love. All right, I'm gonna try this again.
So I recorded about ten minutes of myself talking and

(20:45):
I looked up and there was no sound recording, and
I said, you know what, so now I have to
go back. You know, nothing happens by accident. There's a

(21:07):
reason that this happened this way. But I'm gonna go
back and try to summarize what I said. So basically
what I said was, Hey, I talked about how this
feels really weird being back behind the mic and getting

(21:32):
back into it. I've been gone for about seven months,
and I want to start this part of the episode
with some transparency and a bit of honesty. I haven't
really been in the best space for the past seven months.
The big hit, the big gut punch, was that I
lost my uncle three days before my birthday, my forty

(21:55):
fifth birthday, and that really broke a bitch down to
the last compound. It made me very unexcited. I already
wasn't very excited about my birthday, but it made me
very unexcited about my birthday, and it just really broke
my heart into a lot of little pieces. My uncle

(22:18):
was one of Auntie Mimi's biggest supporters, and himy my
Purse's biggest supporters, and that meant a lot to me,
especially since my grandfather, who I lost about a month
and a half before I released the trailer for him

(22:39):
in My Purse on March the first in twenty twenty.
It meant a lie for my uncle to be so
supportive of me because his brother, because it's my great uncle,
because his brother was not here, and him filling in
the gaps really really really helped me through my grieving

(23:02):
process while I was trying to give birth to a
creative project. So my uncle passed away. When I get
back from California for his funeral, I want to say
on the same day. I want to say, it was
the same fucking day, if I'm not mistaken. The same
day that I get back, one of my friends from

(23:25):
work dies and so then we go to work and
it's a mess. The kids are a mess, my coworkers
are a mess. It's so sad, it's fucking devastating. He
was younger than I was, and it was just sad.
He had small children, three small children, He had a wife,
and you know, then we had a funeral for him.

(23:48):
But then at the end of the week that he died,
like maybe I want to say four days after he died,
maybe not even four, my little brothers girlfriend tragically dies
and he was there to witness it all. And I
don't know if you guys know anything about being the

(24:09):
eldest child or the eldest sibling. But you always want
to protect and nurture and care for your little siblings
or your younger siblings. And there was absolutely nothing I
could do to step in and be big sister other

(24:31):
than to emotionally support him from three thousand miles away.
And that fucking hurt. And to see and hear my
little brother in so much pain really really made me sad.
And so all of this happened over the course of
I want to say three weeks, Okay, I want to

(24:56):
say over the course of three maybe four forward is
pushing it. It's not four. It's not four weeks for sure,
because it was three days before my birthday, and then
all the other stuff happened like at the very beginning
of November. So yeah, and that was the end of

(25:18):
coming toward the end of the seven months. If you've
been around for a while, you know that historically the
fall isn't It used to be my absolute favorite time
of year, but it's not my quite my favorite time
of the year anymore. And you know, I have a

(25:39):
lot of healing work that I have to do during
that time of the year to try to maintain optimal
mental health, if that makes sense. I don't want to
say things like I have a lot of mental health
challenges during that time, or my mental health is bad,
or my mental health is acking up. It ain't that.
It's more along the lines of I have to work

(26:00):
really hard to try to maintain optimal mental health. That's
what it is. And so that happened, and that was
hard on top of that grief. Before that happens, here's
something funny that happened in the seven months. My forty

(26:21):
four year old ass decided it would be a good
idea to get bracist. I don't think that you can
hear the difference. Maybe you can, but on my way
to get them in July, all I could think was,
why are you doing this? It was a bad idea.
I say that now because it hurts when I get

(26:42):
them tightened, and I look like a forty five year
old fourteen year old nerd in the ninth or tenth grade.
But when it's all said and done, it will have
been worth it because I wanted to take care of
something that bothered me a about myself, and I did.

(27:02):
But it hurts and I look like a dork, but
I'm cute I'm a cute dork, so that's the funny.
That's a funny. I got braces at forty four for
the second time in my life, but for the first time,
I got them on the top and bottom. The first
time I got braces, I was twenty three, I think,
and I just got the top done. But now I

(27:24):
have top and bottom, so it's big, big, big, big
geek action over here, I look like a forty five
year old teenager and it's kind of funny. But before
I got braces, I'm sure I mentioned this in episode
number ninety five. I just can't remember because I just
cannot go back and listen to it, but I think

(27:45):
I mentioned that I was released from my contract with
iHeartMedia or iHeart Podcasts, and as a result, I definitely
had to grieve that because that took a toll on
me emotionally as well, well, because I definitely went through
some feelings of low self worth, of feeling like I

(28:07):
was not good enough, of feeling like I completely fumbled
my dream and that fucking sucked because nobody wants to
fucking feel like that, but I did, and I had
to work through it with my therapist. Shout out for
the first time in twenty twenty five on Handy and

(28:28):
My Purse. I want to give a big, old fucking
shout out to my therapist, the man, the myth, the legend.
She's not a man, she is a woman, but she
is a myth, and she is a legend, doctor d
She's the best. I love that lady, I swear to

(28:50):
God I do. But anyway, I had to do a
lot of work around grieving that. And in addition to
like feelings a little self worth and I'm not feeling
that I'm good enough, feelings of self doubt. Man, listen,
the self doubt and the self sabotage was at an

(29:10):
all time high. And it's so funny all these things
that I talk about on the show all the time,
we're surfacing self doubt, self sabotage, low self worth, self esteem,
to the self self self self self self self self.
But in that I had to focus on self care.
I had to focus on my self esteem. I had
to focus on self love. I had to really do

(29:31):
a lot of work in that time to like raise
myself back up and just remember, like who the fuck
do you think you talking about? Mimi? Like what issues
sis Beyonce has a song called I'm That Girl, and

(29:52):
I had to listen to it a lot because I
had to remind myself, girl, shut up, you are that girl.
And I had to find ways to really celebrate myself.
And it really came down to me telling myself this
a lot. I had to get it together, y'all. I

(30:13):
had to get it the fuck together because I was
on one okay, And I'm just so grateful for the
people that I have in my corner that supported me,
that held my hand, that wiped my tears, that rubbed
my back, that laugh with me, that took me out,

(30:35):
that celebrated with me, anything that we could celebrate, because listen,
that shit had me down in the dumps, down in
the valley where the girls get naked and whatever the
theme song is for p Valley. I actually think that's
coming back the year. If I'm not mistaken, I hope so.

(30:55):
But anyway, stick So I had to grieve the loss
of and it's funny what you do and what you
tell yourself to trick yourself into believing that you are
not good enough. I had to really do a lot
of work on convincing myself that I am good enough

(31:21):
all over again, and that I didn't fumble anything. This
is just this is what was supposed to happen, because
everything is as it should be. Life has been lifing
in so many ways, and I wasn't prepared for that,
but you know, it happened. It happened for me and

(31:44):
not to me. And I know people think that that's
very cliche, but that shit will shift your mindset. Things
are not happening to us. Things are happening for us
so that we can evolve, so that we can progress,
so that we can grow, so that we can move forward,
so that we can get to the next fasea, the
next chapter of our lives, so we can go on
to things that are greater or there for our greater good,

(32:07):
if that makes sense. And I know some of you
guys are going through your own tough times. Maybe you're
dealing with loss. I know, you know. Another thing for
me is I started dealing with the you know, some
new bills popped up. I had a lot of stress financially,
A lot of financial stress was on me and just

(32:27):
feeling overwhelmed by life. And I just want to say
that it's okay to not have it all together right now,
because the truth of the matter is that the world
is in a pretty fucked up space right now. It's
not just me, it's not just you, it's not just
your neighbor, not just your cousin, not your mom, but
not your auntie. The world's pretty fucked up right now.
If you look around, fucking fires everywhere in California. Please stay,

(32:50):
and I'm about to get emotional, please stay in prayer
and meditation for the people in California, in southern California
that are losing their homes. People are losing their lives,
They're losing everything that they've worked hard for. Pray for them.
Please think about someone other than yourself. In a couple

(33:11):
of weeks, not even a couple of weeks, in a week,
I don't even want to give this attention. But in
a week, there's going to be a changing of the
guard in the governmental structure. In this company, well sometimes
this country feels like a fucking company, actually a fortune
five hundred company, But there's going to be a changing
of the guards. And that's going to be a lot

(33:34):
for us to deal with. We already know that because
we've already been here, and I don't really want to
say too much about that, and I'm not because you know,
I don't really do politics over here. But it's okay
to not have it all together right now. Growth doesn't
happen when everything is perfect. It happens when we face

(33:56):
the hard stuff, when we keep moving forward, even them,
when things feel impossible, when you feel like you are
at the bottom of the well, when you feel like
you have hit rock bottom, or maybe not rock bottom,
but when you feel like you have fallen Olympus has fallen.

(34:18):
You gotta kind of get up and brush that dirt
off your shoulders and keep moving because staying stuck is
not gonna work. Because if you're not growing and you're
not moving forward, what the fuck are you really doing?
What are we really doing? If we're not growing. A
wise man who is my cousin Randall, shut out to
my fucking cousin Randall, once said that anything that is

(34:42):
not growing is dead. We ain't gonna be dead. We
ain't gonna do that. You gotta grow, even if it's increments,
like small increments. One step at a time, that's it.
One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that's all I'm
asking to you. One step at a time. One day
at a time, one bread at a time, one blink
at a time, one minute at a time, Like you

(35:06):
just gotta take your time and just but keep moving.
And what's been keeping me going lately is my community again,
those small check ins from my friends, a text message
that shows me that someone cares or is thinking about me,
or just support that I felt from my podcast community.
And while yes I am definitely struggling, I'm coming out.

(35:30):
I'm coming out not in that way. I feel like
I'm coming out of the low that I was in
or the heavy grief that I was in. I'm coming
out of it. But I'm so grateful for those moments
and shout out to those of you who reached out
to me, like, hey, girl, what's up are you doing

(35:53):
when you're gonna start your podcast again? So many of
you reached out to me via Instagram, People that I
know in real life said to me, you know in person,
sent me text messages, friends, people that I know and love,
people that I don't know that I've never met. They
were like, girl, when a' you finna get back at this.

(36:14):
I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm gonna get there. It's just
taking me a little bit of time because God just
wasn't ready and I wasn't ready because I had to
I had to close some chapters up. I had to
get myself together. You know. I really had to get
it together, and I'm glad that I did. I was

(36:34):
saying earlier that I had to grieve, you know, being
released from that contract. My producers that I would talk
to several times a week. I just told them, shout
out to Rando Banjo in the Dirty Throats we live forever.
Nothing's gonna fucking stop us. But you know, I guess

(36:56):
now I'll call them my friends. I won't just call
them my producers or my former p I was talking
to Evan and Taylor. Shout out to Evan and Taylor.
I was talking to Evan and Taylor last week, and
I was like, I'm trying to get they know that
I've tried to put an episode out since early October
and I just could not do it. I couldn't do it.

(37:17):
I couldn't bring I've been trying to put this episode
out since the first week of October, actually since September fifteenth,
but I just could not do it because I didn't
have it. I did not have the capacity to do that.
And in addition to that, I didn't have anything to say.

(37:40):
I didn't know what to say. I'm here to you
now today because I got something to say now. And
if you knew how, I prolonged the process of me
actually sitting down behind this microphone like it was crazy.
I had a baby panic attack before it all started,
and I just till the thirteenth hour. I don't know

(38:02):
why I would do that, but I did. But you
know what, none of that fucking matters anymore because I'm here,
I'm doing it. I'm here, we out here, we out here,
and we out here doing it. Oh yeah, oh yeah, baby.
But I had to grieve, like not talking to them
so much, and we still stay in contact. I talked

(38:24):
to them, you know, Merry Christmas, how's your daughter? How's
the music? How are you? Like? We stay in contact,
but think about it. I used to talk to them
multiple times a week. I would see them literally every week, virtually,
of course, because one lives in New York and one
lives in Georgia, but virtually we would meet weekly. I

(38:49):
had to grieve that relationship, and not the relationship ending,
because it didn't end, but the relationship the way I
knew it ended, and it shifted to something else. But
the beauty is there in the shift to something else,
the metamorphosis of the relationship into something else. But it's scary,

(39:12):
and you know, I ain't gonna lie. I'm gonna go
skating what I'm saying I am. I ain't gonna fron it.
But you know, I'm really proud of myself because I
did it. I'm here now. I did it. I don't
ripped the band aid off. Psych I didn't rip that
motherfucker off. I've been peeling this band aid off since
September fifteenth, Okay, but you know what I did. I
had to extend some grace to myself. I had to

(39:34):
be kind to myself, and I had to be gentle
with myself because I was very fragile, very fragile. Here
I am something that I had worked so hard for
for three years. I got it, and then I don't
have it right, And of course I felt like, oh, bit,

(39:56):
you fumbled this. But the truth of the matter is
that I don't feel that way anymore because everything is
as it should be. And instead of talking about or
focusing on me fumbling it or you know, I fucked
up or I'm not good enough to no, no, no,
I'm a bad motherfucker. I gotta deal with the number

(40:17):
one podcasting network after being a solo podcast or no host.
I'm not a celebrity. I don't have a big following.
There are a lot of things that I don't have
or that I may not have. But I tell you
one thing that I did have. I deal with the
number one podcasting network in the world, or at least

(40:42):
in the United States. I don't know what the number
one podcasting network is in the world, but at least
in the United States. After being a solo podcaster like
I ain't got no help. It was me out in
these trenches, out in the streets, getting this work by myself,
and somebody saw something in me, and then they saw

(41:03):
something in me. And you know, I'm not about to
make excuses for why it didn't work out or what happened.
You know, I'm not. But the real truth is that
grief is a motherfucker. And six months before I launched,
my grandmother died. And when my grandmother died, my life

(41:24):
kind of stopped for a little bit. But it's okay
because you know, what is the song I think it's
Donnie mcclerky. We fall down, but we get up and
I'm up. Now, we up. If it's something, it's stuck.
And so that is why it's really important to just
keep moving. And once you come out of it that

(41:46):
and you start to see the sun again, because the
sun is always there. It's just about you uncovering your
eyes to sea. And once you start to see the
sun again, like life shifts and things open up and
shit changes, and you start to see and feel and
experience things that you forgot that you could see and
feel and experience. And I'm just so grateful. And I'm

(42:09):
telling you grief, grace, and gratitude three g's. I have
a friend shout out to Abne Vaughn. I have a
friend Ebany who has a podcast called Triple G Living.
But she's been on the show a thousand million times,
and guess what, she'll be on the show a thousand
million in one times because she's coming on here soon

(42:31):
and we're gonna talk about something that your mama and
your uncles and your grandmama's and them ain't gonna want
nobody to talk about. So stay tuned. But I thought
about her when I wrote this down. I wrote, grief, grace, gratitude.
You experience the grief, then you have to extend grace
to yourself and show grace to yourself so that you

(42:53):
can start to move out of the grief. And then
you have to show gratitude of course to God, right,
but also tell yourself, I'm so thankful that I was
able to get out of the bed today. I'm so
grateful that I brush my teeth today. Sometimes it's like
that with grief. Let's just keep it a buck. I'm

(43:14):
so grateful that I am able to listen to this
song again. I'm so grateful for the time that I
spent with the person that I may have lost. I'm
so grateful that I was able to get a podcast deal,
you know, after a year and a half of working
on this project by myself. I'm so grateful that I

(43:36):
was able to pay so many bills with the money
that I got from my contract. Like, you have to
be in gratitude every day. Gratitude just changes everything. Now.
Of course, when you're throat deep into grief, I an't
think about being grateful about nothing all the time. That
don't get me wrong. I have moments or we have
moments where it's like I'm just grateful, thank you God

(43:58):
or thank you. But when it hurt, it hurt bad,
you know. But grief, grace, and gratitude. Thank God for
all three of them because and I say that about
the grief because without the grief you can't grow and
grow to that at growth, grief, grace, gratitude, and growth. There,

(44:20):
I ain't triple G. I'm quadruple G. I'm grateful for
it all and it's the only way to grow. And
like I said, I'm just really grateful for the community
of people that I have around me. And even if
it's one person or one hundred person, those connections mean
everything to me. And through all of this, I've just,

(44:43):
like I said, reminded myself constantly to just find ways
to be grateful and live in a space of gratitude,
even for the little things, whether it's a favorite song,
a quiet moment. I love quiet moments, which is ironic
because I talk a lot. I talk a fucking lot. Okay,
I did ask any of my friends, Okay, don't don't.

(45:06):
I don't need any of them to respond, but I
mean they won't because it's just me. But I talk
a lot, but moments of stillness and silence bring me
so much joy. The fact that I still have this platform,
the fact I'm so grateful that I didn't crumble. What

(45:27):
the fuck put some respect on my name? You motherfucking right. Yeah,
and I'm a cuss, real good put some respect on
my name. I didn't crumble. A lot of people would
have gave up because, let me just let you know,
I've been getting punched around, punched around, give up? Who
do that? Not me? I'm not giving up. No, I'm

(45:50):
not giving up. It's in me, it ain't on me.
I still have this platform to share with all of you,
and gratitude. I talk about it all the time. It
doesn't have to be this big, grandiose, performative thing. It's
just about small moments that help us to get through

(46:13):
the fucking day, the week, the month, the hour. And
that is literally how your good syst meet Me has
been carrying in for the past seven months. Whatever it
takes to get through today. Thank you God forget me
through this day. Thank you God for giving me through
this work day. Because baby, I'm gonna tell you what
I ain't gonna talk about because I stay in gratitude.

(46:35):
A bouy my job because I got to. I ain't
gonna talk to you about these kids and this job
stressing me out. We ain't gonna talk about that, Nope.
But I'm gonna just tell you I'm grateful. I'm grateful
to have a job because everybody ain't got no job.
I'm grateful to have a job. I'm grateful that my
bills are paid. I'm grateful that I can still buy

(46:58):
myself some things that are like. I'm grateful that I
can still eat what I want. Oh, one more thing,
Shout out to me. I'm gonna do this now without
you even knowing, Shout out to me. I don't know
if it's just the braces, the gem, the change in
my diet, but since last summer summer of twenty twenty three,

(47:22):
I've lost about twenty eight pounds.

Speaker 2 (47:24):
Girl, what.

Speaker 1 (47:28):
Listen for all things that are not awesome at all times?
Something good is coming and twenty twenty five is really
Legit gonna be my fucking year. It's gonna be a
year of expansion. It's gonna be a year of complete
transformation and metamorphosis. This is the year that shift changes.

(47:54):
I didn't mean to say that, and I mean, I
just said it off the top of my head. This
is gonna be the year that it changes. Excuse me,
I was thinking of shifts. This is one of those
times where the Brace is kind of getting away shifts
and big shifts and mindset in income, in health being optimal.

(48:19):
We're gonna go for optimal health. It's just a year
of big shifts and excitement. I'm a fall in love
this year. I've been claiming that shit since the end
of lash, No, since like November. I'm gonna be somebody's
girlfriend this year because I want to and because I'm
open to it and I'm excited about it. And I'm

(48:40):
invite ch'lt to my wedding too when we get married.
We get married this year, whoever he is, but eventually
we will because I claim it and I deserve it
and I'm worth it and it's gonna happen. I just
want to say thank you to you guys for riding
this thing out with me. I'm so grateful. I don't

(49:02):
think that I ended up going through all of the
changes that are gonna be going on. But that's fine.
It's fine. You know, you'll you'll pick up on them.
I kind of talked about most of them. I thank
you for being here. I'm grateful and I'm excited for

(49:26):
what is to come. And I'm just really grateful for y'all,
Like y'all don't even know. So I will see you
actually in two weeks and i'll get into that as
I close at to thank you. But I love y'all.
Something terrible, Okay, something terrible. I love y'all. I'm grateful

(49:46):
for it, all the upstawns and the all arounds, and
just thank you so much. Guys, I appreciate you. Stay tuned.
We got to take a quick break and I will
be right back way all right, friends and ken so

(50:08):
uh for today's we got to Do Better segment? Yes,
I said we got to do better. I did not
say straight Facts because one of the changes friends in
kN is that I have gotten rid of or decided
to release the straight Fact segment. It was just a lot.
It was a lot to try to keep up with,

(50:30):
and getting those questions began to become a major chore.
And I started off strong with straight Fax in twenty twenty,
and then it just became a very daunting task to
get questions submitted so sometimes you need to shift, you

(50:52):
need to do a little pivot, and if it ain't working,
we shift. So that's what we're doing. And so we
are just going to go from the main discussion straight
to how we got to do better, which I think
is good because it's going to take some time off
of the show, which is good because we're trying to
get in and get out, get what we need to get.

(51:13):
Be like a hummingbird, come in, give what we need
to get, and go on about our business. If enough
of you complain about it, then maybe I'll bring it back.
But the problem is that getting the question submitted sometimes
is a lot. So today, before we got to do Better,
I'm going to read from one of my favorite books

(51:35):
to share on this show, Black Liturgies. I can't remember
if it's liturgies or liturgies, of course I will forget,
but whatever it is, it's amazing Black Liturgies. I think
it's liturgy. Prayer's Poems and Meditations for Staying Human by
Cole Arthur Riley. Shout out to Cole Arthur Riley, a

(51:59):
black woman in our thirties doing it and writing the
books that we need, and this prayer that I'm going
to read today is a new Year's prayer because it's
only January thirteenth, and it's still the beginning of the
new year. Right, And it says dreaming, which is very interesting.

(52:24):
God of renewal, we hold space for the sorrows and
joys of another year. We have grieved, we have laughed,
We have given too much and too little. As the
year ends, ground us in the tension of remembrance and
dreaming that this season holds. We remember all that we
have survived, all that we loved and didn't love, and

(52:46):
we honor it. There are those of us who feel
ourselves inching closer and closer to our true selves, those
of us who feel lost or aimless. Help us to
honor our becoming without demeaning our past. Remind us that
every season has its place, and that the path to
liberation is never linear. As we peer into the new year,

(53:09):
re orient us toward our desires and hopes. But protect
us from dreaming as a form of self loathing. May
this be a season of so much more than heartless
self improvement plans. Protect our bodies from our own evaluations
and judgment. Protect our souls from any guilt We carry
for not becoming who we said we would by this

(53:31):
time last year. When we toast to the new year,
may it be emptied of self contempt. May we meet
our faces in new and old ways, stepping closer into
ourselves in the years that come. Amen, A shay. And
so it is so when I tell you this girl,

(53:52):
this woman, excuse me, that's a prayer for the ages
around this mud. I might need to say that every
morning when I get it up until I feel like
I ain't got to say it no more because that
one was it. Shout out to Cole Arthur Riley one
more time. Jesu, Jesus, Jesus, stay tuned, friends again. I'll

(54:12):
be right back. You know, as the old folks say,
the devil is always busy. He we needs something to
do with himself, and I hope he finds it. But

(54:35):
I'm not gonna let him stop me from this one part.
And is funny. This is where there was a major
glitch in my recording process. But it's okay. Actually there
were two. But it's not gonna stop me from saying
thank you to God and saying thank you to you guys.
First thing that I want to say is thank you

(54:56):
to God for just being God. God it supreme, and
I recognize and appreciate the grace that God extends to
me every day of my black, my very very black
ass life. I want to give a big thank you
to my friends and family for your support and your encouragement.
I'm still able to do this work because you continually

(55:16):
show up for me, and I am extremely grateful. I
also just want to take a moment to thank myself
for not giving up on myself. The glitch is that
this is where I would typically add my Snoop Dogg
clip that says I want to thank me for never
giving up, for not taking a days off blah blah

(55:38):
blah blah. But you know I'm not able to do
that because Garage Band and Satan were trying to stop
my joy, but they won't. I am grateful to myself
and proud of myself for not giving up on myself.
Very very grateful to you. Big Me Me shout out
to you. Okay, bye, blah blah blah. Ain't nothing gonna

(56:00):
stop me. I want to give a special shout out
to my ogs, each and every one of you that
have been rocking with me since March the first of
twenty twenty. Thank you, thank you, Thank you to all
of my friends and ken. I love you guys so
much and it's nothing short of an honor to share
my time and energy with you, especially since you keep
coming back to spend time with me. Lastly, don't forget
to check out the show notes in the episode description.

(56:23):
There you will find the links and other information that
I mentioned during each episode. The music for Handing My
Purse is provided by none other than West Baltimore's own
Gloomy Tunes. And I want to say to you, I
am grateful to you. I don't know what I would
do without you, guys, and I look forward to you

(56:46):
listening to hand Me my Purse the podcast every other Tuesday.
And I'm out this bitch peace. I did it, y'all,
and I'm back. Speak a boo f

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