RETRO EPISODE No. 12: The Culture of Dating in the Black Community w/Kandis

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Handing My Purse is a production of iHeart podcasts, What's
Up Friends and Ken. So this is the second and
final portion of the series that I did on the
state of dating in the Black community. This is a
retro episode. It's the second one. I think you're gonna

(00:23):
like this one a lot. I hope you liked the
first one. I wanted to start off with something serious
and finish off with something a little more light and
fun and funny. And this might be one of my
favorite episodes ever in the history of Handing My Purse.
I've listened to it probably six or seven times because
it is hilarious to me. Candice is absolutely in front

(00:43):
of the show. She is a friend of mine, She's
like my little sister. But this episode is ridiculously funny.
We share a lot of information about of pride. We
are very transparent, I should say about some of our
experiences with online dating. And I just hope you guys
enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it during

(01:05):
the pandemic. We recorded this in twenty twenty, and when
I tell you it's hilarious, if you don't think that
this is funny, you might need to check your pulse
because it's hilarious. I might I can't wait to listen
to it, just for quality assurance, to make sure it
sounds good. Excuse some of the sound if it's not
that great. I had just started. But I just hope

(01:29):
you guys enjoyed it. It was amazing and I will see
you on February the twentieth with a brand new episode
of Hammy My Purse.

Speaker 2 (01:38):
Enjoy I'm sorry, I can't see the thing.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
Okay, what's up, y'all? Welcome to Hand Me My Purse
the podcast. I am Mimi Walker, and I will be
your forever host, each and every single time you tune
into this podcast. So go ahead and get comfortable. Get
yourself a glass of your favorite beverage, whether that's alkaline water,
red kool aids, a hot cup of tea with honey,

(02:25):
a glass of Cabernet Salvignon or Hennessy, and light yourself
a candle, some incense or burn some stage and just
get ready to chill out and have a good time.

(02:47):
What's up, friends, and ken, it's MEMI Resident Auntie Supreme
here hand me my Purse, and today I am sipping
on what's called a craft cocktail. I'm sipping on a
drink that my guests today made for us, and she
used the Cane Collective Passion through Jalapeno mixer with Tito's

(03:09):
vodka and Club soda. Why because life is good and
I live a grandiose life full of joy, and because
my friends are bartenders. The dope part about making a
drink with a Cane Collective mixer is that you get
the experience of having a fresh, fancy, what's called a
craft cocktail right in your own home. Like you don't

(03:31):
have to go to a posh restaurant or like a
totally expensive bar. You can have it right at home.
So that is what we're sipping on today. And I'm
going to tell you more about Kine Collective later on
in the show. So, guys, today's show, I'm sure if

(03:55):
you ever read the title, is about the culture of
dating and black community. And it's only in the black
community because I'm black. I'm a part of the black community.
So that's what I know about. I am speaking, of course,
from personal experience, and my guest is also black, so
that's her perspective as well. For today's show, I could

(04:18):
have gone with so many songs, because there are so
many songs about dating and love and all that stuff.
But this song takes me back to my childhood and
it reminds me of singing with my mother, and I
remember my mother had this boyfriend, his name was Frank,
and Frank's niece, I think, used to sing this song

(04:41):
and she used to mess the words up, and my
mother and I would always laugh at the fact that
she couldn't get the words right, even though she was
like a little girl. Not laugh at her in like
a mean girl way, but it just tickled us. We
thought it was so funny. So I chose this song
because it hits me in a nostalgic place. It makes
me happy, and it's the perfect song. And the cover

(05:02):
that I found is actually stupid amazing, And the reason
that I like it so much. I love when people
do covers of song and they take it and make
it their own. Case. In point, tonight, somebody sent me
a country rendition of the song Wop by Cardi B
and Megan thee Stallion, and I gotta say it wasn't

(05:24):
appropriation ish at all. She nailed it. It was super creative.
It was dope. I really really liked it. If you
can find it, check it out. I'm not gonna post
it anywhere, but it was pretty awesome. And so the
reason that I like the cover of this song, which
is What's Love, got to do with It by Tina Turner,
the young lady who did the cover. Her name is

(05:46):
I don't know if it's Shana. Here we go. You
know how I roll like when it comes to people's names.
You know, I don't know if I'm saying it right.
And it's not even that this is a hard name
to say, but this name can be said so many
different ways. So I don't know if it's Shana Tucker
or SHAWNA Tucker, but either way, I'm gonna go with
I think it's Shanea. Either way, Miss Tucker slays the

(06:09):
cover of this It's very jazzy. It has such a
good feel. It sounds like something that you would hear
at like a jazz festival or wine festival while you're
sipping on your breasling or whatever people drink at wine festivals.
I've never been to one. I'm not really interested in going.
Nanny and I love wine, but check it out because

(06:31):
she kills it. So here is What's Love? Got to
Do with It by Tina Turner and it's being covered
by Shana Tucker and get into it because it's pretty dope.
You know the covers I find, sometimes it's hit or miss.
Sometimes they are really really good and sometimes they are
not really really good. Notice I didn't say bad because

(06:53):
I'm a positive person. But this time I have to
say I found a winner. Check it out. Is her
name Bobby, there's a freeze that ba what whatever the reason?
Do it for me? Puss got to Do It is

(07:18):
pus what a second daddy motion? Puss up Got do?
Got to Do It is by Hart and hertn be broken.

(07:40):
Now let's get into the show. Yeah, all right, friends
and ken. So today on the show, I have my
good friend Candace Kandas and I have been friends for
several years. We lost count because we can't really figure
out when we met. We know we met at a

(08:02):
mutual friend, our friend Aaron's house. We don't remember if
it was for the super Bowl or if it was
for a New Year's Eve party. Aaron probably remembers, she
definitely remembers, and I don't know when, but when we met,
it was like instant friendship. It was like we have
been friends since we were little kids, and she is
like my little sister. And I want you to say

(08:25):
hello to my folks. Can what's up y'all? Wasn't it?
It's fine, It's fine. What's up y'all? So today we
are going to be talking about dating. And this is
actually the start of a three maybe even a four

(08:46):
part series that I'm going to do on the culture
of dating in the Black community specifically, but just the
culture of dating period. But of course everything I do
is it kind of perchangs to the black community because well,
were black. So today we're going to talk a little
bit about our experiences online date, with online dating and

(09:09):
in true handing my first form and or a fashion,
I did a survey and a poll because I like
to keep you all involved in what I do. I
like to be interactive, and I ask folks some questions
about their online dating experiences. I'm going to share that
with you guys. But we're going to talk about some
of our experiences. First. First, let's just define what online

(09:31):
dating is. Online dating is what in the world is
that meeting somebody online and starting to date them. It
doesn't have to be necessarily in an app right. It
could be on Facebook, it could be on Twitter, it
could be on Instagram, it could be what am I missing? Yes,

(09:52):
I don't know. I think kids are because they're nasty
and sneaky, but I don't know if actually you know
what's interesting. There's this guy. I've been on two dates
with him. I think I met him on Plenty of Fish.
I'm not gonna say his name. It doesn't matter because
he doesn't listen to my podcast. I met him on
Plenty of Fish in probably twenty fourteen. Okay, we've been

(10:15):
on two dates. So that just goes to show that
there's not really much happening over there. Right. He sends
me these videos of him, like singing R and B
songs in the shower, and I'm I'm almost positive that
he doesn't only send them to me. So if you
know him and he sends them to you, I hit

(10:36):
my damn so we can figure out what can he say?
He lip sings them, and he doesn't like show any
of his you know, nasty parts. He doesn't show his bits,
you know, but he's like soaping it up and sending
it and like at first when he first started doing it,
like when he first started doing it like it was

(10:57):
like funny, right, and it was cute? Is this this
is all solicit? It's gotta be Oh, it's I do you?
I mean like we've been friends for a while. Do
you tag me as the kind of ship? How would
you like ask hey, send me a video of you
soaping it, soaping it up and singing usher in the shower?

(11:18):
I know I don't. First of all, he's lip taking
it back to the lips. How would he so I
didn't have vocals. No, he can't even sing. I don't
know if he can sing, and if I could be
really honest, I don't really give a shit if he
can sing, because the funniest part is that what happened.
He's still doing it and it's twenty twenty, and I
know he started it in like twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen

(11:42):
with the sending the shower videos. This is his niche though,
This is his niche, This is his thing, and he
should probably start an only fans. Oh you don't know
what OnlyFans is, Candae And I was talking about that earlier.
I don't google it because I'm not really I'm here
to tell you guys about that. I just know that
you know it's a way that people are making money.

(12:04):
So can this have you I already know the answer
to this. But you have dated online before? I have
for how many years? Like? Have you done it off
and on? I know I'm deep in this game since. Yeah,
I've been around. I think I think I did it
for the first time was two thousand. Actually, the first
time I joined an online dating site was like twenty twelve.

(12:25):
But if we're considering Twitter and all of that stuff, sure, yeah,
assists been in the game since like twenty ten. Yeah,
so I will say that Twitter and Facebook and all
that has the uses have changed right over the years.
Initially it probably wasn't for dating. That wasn't my thing
about that, But I mean I was sorry with Black Planet.
I messed a buy from Black Planet that was probably

(12:48):
like I don't know where they're black? What are they white?
And sixty five? I was out here for the risk?
Was in the long time, right right? She said? I was
out here for the risk. I don't know, And you
know what's crazy, I so want a girlfriend about it.
I was on AO while in chat rooms when I
was like fourteen. I was never meet anybody, but I
definitely had a boyfriend. Our song was Jagged Edge, Let's
get Rided, And we used to talk every day at

(13:11):
the school at a certain time. That's cute. And he
probably wasn't even black and fourteen too, he could have
been Asian and seventy. I don't you didn't know. I
didn't don't know. No, Well, that's the kind of risky
one with like chatroo. But she weren't meeting anybody. No,
but you know what, I will say, with you not
meeting him, that is kind of safe. That's for teenagers,
not these teams really weird grown. I wasn't growing at fourteen. Yeah,

(13:34):
these teenagers banging glasses. Yeah, No, I was wearing which
is cool. Wait no, no, no, hold on, She says
she was wearing fooboo when you were fourteen?

Speaker 3 (13:45):
How No, like I was from the free market.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
Oh okay, this is where this conversation is. Stop because
I don't want to affiliate with anybody who was wearing
food boo flee market. You were fourteen? So did judge me?
My father?

Speaker 3 (13:58):
You said me to the fleetwaltget one sad it is.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
I'm not want to judge you, you know what, But
I told y'all. In the beginning that I do judge
on stuff like that, I do back to online dating.
So I think that the first my first dabbling online
dating was probably oh look, I'm not going all the
way back that far. I think I first started experiencing
with match, I was actually paying in the beginning.

Speaker 3 (14:20):
Really, I was really about I was really about that.

Speaker 1 (14:23):
About that life. Yeah. So and I met some great men,
really I did. I can't get to the fun boys shit,
So I got to the free style. Okay, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay. She was concerned. You know, we
talked about this on the front end, about the cursing,
because you know, like she and I are very comfortable
around each other and we do a lot of cursing.

(14:43):
We do, and you know, it just rolled out, and
I'm just I'm going to keep it. I'm not going
to edit that out because it's okay. Yeah, because the
boy is a fun boy and it is what it is.
It kind of is, yeah, And I mean we can't
really speak to you know, because I don't want men
saying like, oh, I don't do a lot of male
bashing on the show. It's not my ministry. I love

(15:05):
black men. I think black men are kings. They are
the original kings. But sometimes they be on some bullshit,
like straight up, and so do black women. Like let's
just keep it a stick. Black women are on bullshit too,
and people are going to say, well, everybody's on bullshit.
I don't really care about everybody else. I'm talking about
black women and black men right now. Of course, there

(15:25):
are white men and Latino men and Latino women and
white women and Asian Okay, but I'm not talking about
them right now. Oh man. So I do know. I
was a freelance makeup artist and I traveled a lot
to New York and there were a lot of guys
that through circles of my friends, like, I would meet
people and you know, they would be creatives or artists too,

(15:48):
and you know, they would follow me on Twitter and
they would be like, oh, you're really talented, and then
it would just go from there. So I dated a
lot of photographers. I dated a lot of photographers like
a man with a vision, yeah right, and a camera
and a heavy camera bag and no money. Okay. I

(16:10):
don't think I got on an actual site like a
dating site until like twenty twelve and my godsister was
already in it. She was already doing it suit tradition. Yes,
she eased me in to the game, and I got
started in twenty twelve and I hit the ground running
and I had a good time. I think mine might
have been maybe twenty thirteen. Okay, definitely started on match.

(16:33):
Met some cool people. Black guys were a match, yes, ma'am. Oh, okay, listen,
I don't care what nobody say. People are searching for
love time. It's just easy to pick up your phone
and have a conversation. It's easy to you know, correspond
and meet people from your phone. You don't have to
go anywhere. Everything I spent no money. You can do

(16:56):
you some some weeding out if you will. It's online
is a great way to vet people. People always say.
I hate when people say, oh, I don't date online
because it's weird and it's so many weirdos online. It's
weird those in the grocery store, because it ain't madam, Hey,
it's weird those at church. It's weird those at the airport.

(17:18):
It's weirdos in the mall. Like crazy people gonna be crazy. Dad,
It's not only crazy people online. You know, I can
understand where people say, you know, it's a little easier
when you're online because you can pretend to be somebody else.
But think about everybody, stopped for five seconds, take a
pause for the cause. Think about somebody that you have

(17:38):
dated that sent their representative and not their true self.
Did you meet them online? Or did you meet them
at your sister's house when y'all was playing taboo? Thank
you sis, exactly, Thank you bro. You met them at
somebody's house, You met them in the grocery store. Everybody
has met somebody who was faking it and playing the
whole game with you that you did not meet online. Now,
don't get me wrong, You're gonna meet a whole lot

(18:01):
of people what you always love it? Okay, you know what,
It's time for stories, So let's just stop right hand.
Kansas's story is so funny that I laughed for like
twenty minutes after we talked about it. You can't make
it out, no, So I okay, So after I got
off a match, I'm not I'm no longer paying for it, Okay, right, yeah,

(18:21):
because you just reached this point where you're like, I'm
kind of good. Yeah, I'm kind of good.

Speaker 4 (18:25):
I'm not right.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
Look, I'm trying to meet people in real life, like
you know, I'm good.

Speaker 1 (18:30):
So somebody told me about plenty of fish. I have
no idea who it was. Let me. Fish is a
dark hole. It's just dumb. It's dumb.

Speaker 3 (18:36):
So I'm no longer on that on that app. But anyway,
back in the day when it.

Speaker 1 (18:39):
Was regular, Yeah, it's normal, yep, normal, got on and
I honestly it's a numbers game. But men are everywhere. Yeah,
they're very attainable, right, I'm not gonna say I don't
eve want to say men people are.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
It's easy to get what it is you're looking for, right.

Speaker 1 (18:54):
If you want a date, that's easy. If you want
to have sex, that's easy, right, It's not difficult to
find your one is rare, like that's right on your
person to kind a Matt right, Yes, compatibility is yeah,
chemistry is rare, right, even authenticity rare. Right, that's rare,
and just human beings it is it is. But you
you get what I'm Okay, So I'm really, I honestly

(19:15):
picky about the pictures, but kind that even photo quality, right,
But at the thirteen our phones aren't really popping like
they are now, so you don't have filters on them. Guys,
you know, their angle is terrible, terrible, terrible. So anyway,
this guy had a decent amount of pictures. It wasn't
just one. He had a couple of pictures. Right, So
I'm going through. I'm like, hey, I'm decent looking right,
regular everything in this right place and spot. So we

(19:36):
have a little conversation, easy conversation, cool conversation, right, just
a couple back and forth, you know whatever. I like
to get that out the way.

Speaker 3 (19:42):
You know this is this is ridiculous.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
You know, we progressed from video chat. Wasn't even really
a thing PopEd like that. So we progress from the
site to the phone, right, So a couple of phone conversations.
So now I'm like, okay, we can meet up in
a public place, right, So we go to a place
downtown on one right, I pull up. I don't think
he's there yet, but something hit me and I was like,
this guy never smiled at any of his pictures. But
I'm like, god' don't smile because they're trying to, you know, right.

(20:08):
So I'm like whatever, I brush it off and keep
hopping into the place. So he's there sunglasses on and all.
For second, lady, if you don't know, that is a
violation of Like I don't know if I've talked about
this on the show before, but I don't trust people
who wear sunglasses indoors. It's pointless, Like what are you doing?

Speaker 3 (20:24):
What do you have, Lasik?

Speaker 1 (20:26):
I don't know why it is now you ain't even
get the way of glasses for you just had them.
I just had Lasi, she knows, right, So I do
shout out the doctor goal, but yeah, he ain't have
lacy because it's twenty thirteen. That won't talking.

Speaker 3 (20:37):
And so he had sunglasses on in the booth.

Speaker 1 (20:39):
Okay, right, So I rolled up. First of all, I'm
thinking he not even he made for me. I don't
what you're here to do? But they ain't here. We're like,
I'm still doing around him? God looking around? Oh no,
that's him, of course it is. So I sit down.
I'm expecting him to take the sunglasses off, you know

(21:01):
what I mean, Like that's kind of just right. No,
So I realized we have had like two sentences of
conversation back and forth. The glasses is so one.

Speaker 3 (21:08):
So what I'm not about to do is have a
concitions with you with the right.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
So they're concerned.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
About the vision, you know what I'm saying, a lot
of fingers.

Speaker 1 (21:15):
Going on there, my boy, I'm concerned, right, I'm a
concerned black woman.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
So right, just trying to trying to support the black king.

Speaker 1 (21:21):
Right.

Speaker 3 (21:21):
So I'm like, are you I mentioned the glasses?

Speaker 1 (21:25):
Is it part of the set? The get up? Is
that you know?

Speaker 3 (21:28):
Because maybe that is part of the fashion, the coordination.

Speaker 1 (21:30):
I don't know. Maybe it's his like his look. I
think he thought it was, but it wasn't. Yeah, So
he takes the glasses off. I'm like, his eyes aren't crossed, like,
I don't like where his eyes they were real, I
wish it was crossed. Some have made more right.

Speaker 3 (21:43):
So anyway, he's I.

Speaker 1 (21:44):
Don't regularly sensitivity. So the glasses come off and we're having,
you know, conversation, and.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
I noticed he's a low lip talker.

Speaker 1 (21:52):
They had a low lit talk. So I talked him
my whole face, like teeth, nose, everything right, super dramatic,
super expression all that. I talked about faith and my
hands right right and besides my eyes and I think
I'm pretty animated. Yes, yeses super animated. So everything you

(22:13):
gotta get all, you get it, You got to get
it now. I wish you could see her hands flailing about. Yes, yeah,
get all of this right, Yes, it lands better, Yeah,
it lands. It's a good the what's the word I'm
looking for? I don't know because I'm a little tipsy.
Thanks to Cane's Collective. Shout out to Kane's Collective. Shout
out to you Aaron for this. This is a mini ad.

(22:37):
Do you like do you like alcoholic beverages? Do you
like grown up beverages? We'll try Canes Collective's Passion fruit
jalapeno mixer with Tito's vodka and a slash of club soda.
Why because it's delicious.

Speaker 3 (22:51):
I'm loving it.

Speaker 1 (22:52):
So he's a low lip talker, right, So this man
did not have a problem in my slash. Okay, I
feel like they're only like for the sixteen overgrow. So okay,
you in there promident my stage. I think he did
have facial hair, but either way, no, it wasn't like
a low lip. It was like, yeah, low lip talker.
So I'm okay, that's different. You know, I notice everything
that's a different look. So let's order we order. So

(23:14):
I think I got maybe a salad or maybe wings.

Speaker 3 (23:19):
I'm not really sure, but I definitely.

Speaker 1 (23:20):
Know he got wings and pizza. Bojo, he got wings
and pizza, right, Okay, cool, So still low lipping. He
started telling me about.

Speaker 3 (23:29):
His you know, coach a little football league and you know, yeah,
a lot.

Speaker 1 (23:34):
Of kids give it back to this community. So I'm
here for it. So the food comes out, and I'm
pretty sure it was a drumm. If it wasn't a flat.

Speaker 3 (23:45):
This young man dipped it into blue.

Speaker 1 (23:48):
I think it was blue cheese.

Speaker 3 (23:49):
I don't think it was right, dipped it in the blue,
brought it to the mouth.

Speaker 1 (23:54):
His two front teeth was gone.

Speaker 3 (23:59):
They were like nowhere in sight gone.

Speaker 1 (24:02):
They weren't like you know how people made like a
little teeth chicken, my teeth na. They were I saw
back to his talks. They that that little dangly thing
that's swinging the back swinging that they was gone. That
his front teeth was gone. Why would he not order
super salad like I did? I don't really even know

(24:26):
what I would do.

Speaker 4 (24:27):
He dating?

Speaker 1 (24:28):
Well, what I mean, he should he not find love?
Should he not find them? To front tip? Even a
bridge come on says he he had a decent job
with insurance. They're understand people are afraid.

Speaker 3 (24:42):
But what I'm not ready to do is be dating
out here.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
Not even remember remember she told you that she's really animated.
That's that's her hitting the table. That's what you hear.
So sorry, But what I'm not ready to do is
this with him. Yeah, you know I would have been.
First of all, here's a little tipbit about me. I'm
afraid of people who are missing teeth, Like it freaks

(25:06):
me out. When I was younger, my godmother would take
her dentures out, okay and chase me around the house
with them. Yeah, it's a little bit funny, but I
see your face. She's touching my shoulder right now to
try to come for me as she lasts, but she
sees my face because it's not funny. It scared me.
That's a dating requirement. Yeah, see period two fronts? Are

(25:29):
they not the main ones? That's almost like, oh, I
want a woman with a flat stomach and a big
butt and a small waist and big breasts, and so
she needs to be a dime and a dime piece.
We don't show up and say do you have your
two front teeth. We don't show up and say you
need to have a flat stomach, and we definitely I
ain't even gonna go here too much, okay, but we

(25:50):
definitely don't say could you please have a penis over
the size of a gurkin? Okay? Or a small flastic
pickle and a jar. We don't do that. We accept
you as you are. Okay. Some women might complain about
your finances, but that does not give you the right
to say that we have to be a certain size
or that you know our breasts have to be a

(26:12):
certain size because you are stepping on the scene with
a sweet girkin pickle penis and no front teeth, Like,
how dare you so? For me? I'm not going to
tell the one about the guy that I dated from
Southeast DC. He ended up being my boyfriend and we
were we dated for like we were in a relationship.

(26:34):
I was monogamous. I don't know if he was, but
for about three or four months. But I'm not going
to talk about that story. There was this guy, his
name is Frank. Okay, So I dated this guy named Frank,
and Frank was short. I've dated a couple of short
guys because short guys like big ladies. This this guy

(26:55):
was little. He was short, and I don't really know
why I dated him because I was just having a
good time and he contacts my short He was probably
like in person, he was probably five four, but on
his profile he said he was five to seven. Yeah,
so that's another thing I get back to that. Yeah,
lying lying about your height, because guys will lie about
their height everybody. Yeah, so he showed up. He said

(27:18):
he was five to seven. I'm about five six. So
he showed up. He said it without seven, yeah, with
no heels, right, and so I'm like, okay, he's five
to seven. He gets there, he's got to be at
least five four. He has locks. I don't really like
men with long hair. It's just my preference. There's nothing
wrong with men with long hair. I just don't like it.
He had locks, he's short, and okay, it's fine. So

(27:42):
we go out. We have a good time. You know,
it was fun or whatever. And so this is around
Christmas time and he tells me this is about a
month in Like we're talking. We may have gone out
like two times. Because I don't really want to be
seen in public with him, forgive me lord, but because
he's small, he's really smart. You're still dating him. Yeah,

(28:03):
we're not, well if we're really dating him, but we're
just Yeah, but you wanted to content you con went
on a second. I mean it was just something to do. Yeah,
so that was really my Most of my online dating
life was something to do. Okay, I get married. You
were looking for a husband. Oh, I found my I
thought I found him. That's a different story. But we're
not going there because that's the dark is. We're going
to go to a dark place. I don't want to

(28:24):
do that. It's tender. It's still a drink. Your drink,
but okay, drink, you drink. So we go out. You know,
we're having a good time. We're cool or whatever. And
it's Christmas time and he's like, oh, I want to
get my son. He had a son. I want to
get him as Christmas gifts. Oh, but I don't get
paid to a certain times. Do you think you can

(28:46):
loan me some money? Let me tell you something about
me to bring me my money. I will loan the
people that I love money. I don't expect to get
it back because I just don't give money expecting to
get right he asked me for like three hundred dollars. Stop.
I said, I ain't gonna be able to do that.
But where did you own that? Though? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah,

(29:09):
no no no. I said, at the most I can
give you like seventy five dollars because it's pretty jo.
That was nice, but it was Christmas time and all
I could think of was his kid, right that I
didn't even know. But this is just me being kind.
Your heart is beautiful. Yeah, if no one's told you today,
thank you. I appreciate you, sis, thank you for seeing me.
So I give this Bama seventy five dollars and he's like, oh,

(29:32):
I'm gonna give it back to you on Monday. This
was probably like a Thursday. I don't bring it up
again because I know I'm not gonna get it back.
He never gave you my money. And then finally I
think around after Christmas, like around New Year's Eve, New
Year's I was like, do you plan on giving me
my money back? Because at this time I'm still a
freelance makeup artist, so I'm not really making a lot
of money. Sisney's are coins? Okay, you could have been

(29:56):
the president of apple. Yeah, see job right. May he
rest in peace? You need your coin? Yeah, you did
a good thing. Yes I did. And you know, he
was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna bring it, bring it,
bring and bring bring. Needs to say, I never got
my seventy five dollars back, and it's okay because God
has blessed me since then. Not necessarily in the dating department,

(30:18):
but he has definitely blessed me. And I'm grateful. And
I hope that his child had a happy merry Christmas.
But I will never loan a man money ever again.
Oh okay, yeah, no, hmm, what if it is your man? Well,
my man is different, okay, yeah, but I'm still not
gonna give him. A lot A lot of got burned
from over the seventy five. Yeah, but you know that

(30:39):
happens to a lot of women too. I have a friend.
A guy got her for like four hundred and fifty dollars. Yeah,
crazy burn more than that, No, it was three hundred.
But what's crazy is he was my man. He had
lost his job, right, So I know how that looks, right,
it's projected out of his pours, right. He down hard
time with they really do? He told me he needed

(31:01):
some money to make ends meet, and as his girl,
I felt like, if I can help, I will. Even
if I wasn't his girl, I think I would. If
I can help, I will, right, absolutely, So it was
a Thursday situation, Thursday month situation. I'll get it back
on my day. So I got it back on Monday.
Oh so I'm like we could I got it back
just how I came to him all the twenties, appreciate
your brother, right cool? So that time what I noticed

(31:25):
was he he asked if I could help. Right, Another
time came so still no job bills are still stacking
right down stop. I got offered. No hell noy, I offered,
and I ain't never get it back. Well, that's because
you offered. But I offered under the pretenses that I
would be getting it back. And I only offered because

(31:46):
I knew he was a good steward of my money.

Speaker 3 (31:49):
Right, So, just a couple of weeks.

Speaker 1 (31:52):
Ago, it was a right now. But he probably thought
that when you offered that you were giving it it
was a gift. I watched a lot of.

Speaker 3 (32:03):
If anybody knows me, I don't know why they would
ever think it was a gift.

Speaker 1 (32:05):
I'm tight on that thing, right, Look tight it in
the well is wop? It ain't tight.

Speaker 3 (32:12):
That's not just that's a thing about it though, No,
it's three things.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
It's a thing about it. No, what the viscosity to
do with? No, No, it's not what.

Speaker 4 (32:23):
Is just what?

Speaker 1 (32:24):
The viscosity is a thing. It has nothing to do
with its tightness. Right, that's the third layer. Girl, keep talking.
All I'm saying is now, do y'all understand why millennials
get on my damn nerd? Keep talking? The brothers stuck
me from my paper. Yeah, damn why he's trying to
stick you for your paper? Right? So, and I feel

(32:46):
you and all I have to say I feel you
in that he was my man and I still got
got you know what I'm saying. I probably shouldn't have
chosen to be my man. That was probably well.

Speaker 3 (32:55):
I mean he fell on hard time, though he did,
but I should have.

Speaker 1 (32:57):
Got it back. Yeah, he should have paid when he
came up because wh I saw again he had any tattoo.
So so what's up with that? Brethren? You don't hear what?
Look bicepspot man, he took your money and got asleep. Basically,
disrespect I thought, nope, he might have got that from
another girl because they be doing that. And and I

(33:20):
will say this, men been doing that for years, for decades.
That ain't new. I don't seen that happen close to home.
I ain't gonna say no names by who it was,
but it was somebody I don't seen them do it,
and they are much older than me, and they may
or may not be related to me. Right, I'll say this,
It has taught me to be more selective about my man. Yeah,

(33:41):
the man that I share space with that have access
to me. I'm actually talking to my therapist about that,
about how I choose and how I select who has
access and who I choose to be available to, which
to me ties into the culture of dating. I think that,
you know, everything is so fast now, you know, dating

(34:03):
is not If you look at dating when like our
grandparents were dating, it's very different. You know, you come
over to the house, you talk to the father or
the older brothers or the uncle, and you get clearance
or permission to take this young lady on a date.
And if they don't want you to date her, you
don't and that's it. And she might sneak out. But

(34:26):
ultimately you still have to go through that. There's nobody
that you have to go through to get clearance now,
so nobody says you have permission, Like there's nobody to
say you meet the standards, right, And I kind of
feel like, you know, the standards are kind of gone
because I know I don't dated some people who were
not worthy enough to smell my feet after walking through

(34:50):
horse manure that could have got went left, but it
was only because she was making weird faces. I was like, oh, wait,
I didn't know you were going to meet me. Slow down,
I don't know. Yeah, I know I didn't either, But
you know what, you can attempt to meet people three
people right. Social media helps you see who you have
in common, people you might know in common. Do your research,

(35:13):
you know, Maryland ksearch is always available all right, just
to see what's going on there. But I think it's
also important to bet do your due diligence right. And
now we have to create our own standards, so we
don't have the dads and the males maybe to you know,
for that extra step or protection or whatever. But as
women think it's important to have our own standards, and
I think we should do it for each other. How

(35:34):
would that look? You asked me or I ask you?
Or why don't you meet him? I want you to
meet him and just kind of feel his energy out
because I know him already, or you know me already
and we're supposed to be going out, or like meet
us somewhere, or you and your dude meet us somewhere,
or let's go on a group thing or I don't know,
it's just something to throw out. I just think that
that is a missing piece. And that's not to say

(35:56):
that that's going to make anything any better, Like so
I don't I don't know. I'm just saying, like the
culture of dating has changed so much, and I think
a lot of it has to do with technology, social media,
like this instant you can Yeah, if I want to
go on a date, like right now, I can make
that happen.

Speaker 4 (36:14):
Whether that's easy.

Speaker 1 (36:30):
I mean, I would go on a dating site. Instagram
is typically for somebody. You may be a referral. Y'all
know some comic people, right, I'm not sure that people
are using Instagram. They're using theof I don't know, wouldn't
say that's the same, but I could go on hinge
bumble wherever these times you can see who's in your vicinity. Well,
I know that they have locations on it, and I know
I learned from a gay guy friend years ago that

(36:53):
they have that one grinder yep, and like you get that. Yeah,
and he did it too, and I was like nasty. Yeah,
but I feel like grinder might just be for right.
It's just so if I wanted a date. People say,
po just for sex. Well, I'm not gonna comment. I

(37:15):
was on he probably maybe one. I dated a lot
of guys I dated, not just if we had a
boyfriend that I met.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
Yeah, yeah, for sure. So I really it's the person
that's on there.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
Yeah, right, man, the guy who sends me the soapy
shower videos. I met him. That is the funniest thing ever.
Let that be my story. We like you were watching
them like I would have been confused about what was
even taking place. I'm still in the shower with him.
Were you outside on the toilet like face off? I

(37:50):
was at my house on my phone.

Speaker 3 (37:52):
No, I know, his phone with his phone Like, oh no, he.

Speaker 1 (37:56):
Holds wah, I mean holds it. Oh you were like
on the toilet seat, you know, I like outside of
the shr so I phone is in the shower, so
he's no, his phone is in the shower with him. Yes, yeah,
I don't believe in sharing bathroom space with people. That
is my holy space. Ever, ye're like, I want to

(38:19):
be alone. It is literally like it's palatial to me.
It's like my palace. Leave me alone. So let's look
at some of these comments. The first one is from
Trinny dread from San Fernando, Trinidad. That's what's says. I
used Bumble. It was fun. Then I thought I found

(38:39):
the one. Turns out it was his representative. We were
just talking about that. The real man has too much issues.
He didn't need me, he needed a therapist and I
have the wrong degree. Well I understand that. Sys, Yeah,
I figure that out. Let me tell you something. I'm
not even going to get into that because I'm not
telling them all my business, but I understand that.

Speaker 3 (39:01):
Can we also talk about what bumble is?

Speaker 1 (39:04):
Talk about it? Because I met the last the last
guy that I dated, I met Bumble, so I have
heard that. So sites like po F there is no like.
I like him, he likes me, and now we can talk, right.
POF is just everybody in an inbox, which is ridiculous. Yes,
it can be overwhelmed because you got, we got. It's
too much vetting. Yeah, the Hennessy battle to the right.

(39:25):
You know your drawers is out. I would never even
date you. I'm not even sure why you send a message.
So sites like tender Bumble, Hinge Black you both have
this wipe right, then you can start the conversation the difference.
I'm just that way too. I mentioned that like last
episode because I'm thinking about doing that. I definitely so
you should go in with yes, try it, try it out.

(39:45):
Hinge is like the upper echelon and the reason that
I'm interested in Hinge because Hinge it's said that it's
the last dating app that you should use because people
there are really into relationships or finding like a RUSSI.
So this is the one thing I don't know to
be true because I don't pay for the apps anymore. Right,
the people that I see, so this is I'm not sure,

(40:07):
assuming maybe it's rumor the people that I see are
also the people that are down for the free for
the free ninety nine. But if you were to pay,
it opens you up to a different echelon of people.
Oh right, I'm not privy to them because I don't
pay right, so we on the same level. So maybe
so maybe there's some like more serious men, or you know,
if you did pay for the one month or you

(40:27):
know whatever. I'm not sure. I'm not gonna find out.
I don't know. Bumble, though bumbo is the same as tender.
You both as white right to begin a conversation. But
a woman has to initiate this conversation within twenty four hours.
I love that. But a man can extend her time, right,
So let's say twenty four hours good bye. I was working,
I was busy. I don't know. I don't you know,
as I could. They want to get there, right, Some

(40:49):
men have extended my time to give you a little
more grease, right to still be able to send them
a message. Once a time lapses, it's a rep you
gotta rematch with them, right. So people do like bumble women,
especially because they have the ability to initiate. However, some
women feel like a man should lead the show, whatever
that means. But I think bumble, if I'm not mistaken,

(41:10):
I've read that they do that so that women can
feel safe, which is what I liked, So that women
can feel like they're in control, because sometimes on these
dating apps, like men are out of control and they're
saying while well, while relentless stuff, and I mean it
may not be for women like us who men would
probably get the idea to not say something because it's

(41:34):
not going to be in your best interest to talk
sideways to me because I'm gonna come right back with
something worse. But they don't know what to the pictures, right,
So let's just say we match. I in initially a conversation, first,
only got I only got a one liner. Everybody gets it.
It ain't special. Everybody get the same thing. They gets it.
He has like a recipe something said, everybody gets it. Hey,
hand say hands on. That's it. That's all I got.

Speaker 3 (41:55):
I don't have a nose for stranger.

Speaker 1 (41:56):
That's good. And then respond to that right. Some of
them are like, oh my gosh, you think I'm keep right.
So no, that's what I told your friend to everybody
the same thing. But whatever, right, it's easy, right, So
after that's done, he can then absolutely because I don't
got hit with the hay sexy chocolate. Yes, I'm already yeah, yeah,
I can't even get that with that yeah, hey, sexy chocolate.

(42:18):
Who's saying that in twenty twenty? Well, I would all
make it cold stuff. I would always get stuff related
to my size, like big sexy. Don't fucking call me.
Excuse my language. Who's calling people big sexy in twenty twenty?
Also like, hey chocolate. Yeah, like I know I'm big,
I know I'm sexy. That doesn't mean you use it

(42:40):
as a company. What are you like even talking about it?
Do you can't figure out anything? Like anything better? And
the worst part about it is your pictures were crystal clear,
your seat was double breasted, Like what why would you
need to say sexy chocolate? But I think part of
my issue around the culture of dating now is that
people are not And I can only speak for men

(43:01):
because I date men, but like, I just feel like
men are like lacking in their effort. Oh I think
they just pull out anything out of their lint filled pocket.
Who it's ours because we accept it, like we got
to have accountable No, we just we want a man
so bad or you know, we.

Speaker 3 (43:25):
Asked him on a date, plan to date, pay for
the day as on the date again.

Speaker 1 (43:28):
No, I'm not doing that. Hell no, But I mean
it's happening in real life.

Speaker 3 (43:33):
It has to be happening for this to be the result.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
It's happening in real because they some women just want
a man so bad, so bad. I just think that
we need to be more mindful of what we accept.
Like I saw this meme the other day and and
it hit me in my chest because I'm going to
be honest, like I have allowed that. It said, stop
spending your time with a man who only wants to

(43:59):
see you at night. You are not a roach? Sis,
Oh I see? Oh it hit me in my chest. Yeah, well,
yeah I am a roach. I was a roe. Yeah
I was. I was a roach. And it made me
feel like it hit me in my chest like damn,
Like I felt like that, and that don't even move

(44:19):
me no more, Like you can't hit me at night
because I'm sleep.

Speaker 3 (44:22):
Yeah, well, if I'm not asleep, I'm pretending to be.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
There's just no word to be. Well, it made me
feel bad, because bad you grow.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
I mean.

Speaker 1 (44:30):
Also, I'm not dealing with him anymore. And look, and
that's the one. Yeah, you're right, you're right, And I
am not a roach. You got no damn roach. Well
I'm a butter little kids. Okay, so I have here.
This is from James from Texas. Okay, James says, I'm
not gonna say this word happened. James is scorned. Okay,

(44:55):
I think it's safe to say that somebody hurt James,
like yesterday. Yeah, this happened this morning. And James said
that m FA's play games or like to fill voids.
He talking about women, he's talking about us, he is,
or like to fill voids or keep you around till
you actually find someone who matters. Then they mad blah.

(45:16):
All right, James, you know, whoever hurt you, I'm sorry,
but you're probably a nice guy. Thomas McGee says that
I haven't had much luck with sites like tender pof
or et cetera. But I've racked up, he said, racked up,
racked them, and I've racked up the girl. He racked
up in Facebook singles groups. I probably met him in

(45:37):
a Facebook sing So that's a thing. Oh no, it
is right, it's a thing thing they have so Facebook
the groups are popping. Oh listen, I'm not in.

Speaker 3 (45:52):
People the streets to be talking.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
I'm not even all with none of that, Polly all
that it gets wild it's real. Well, I was in
an HBCU one. I was not in Akay, Yeah, I
was a It was a super drum. Actually it was
not really no, because mine is dumb. But I think
that they probably moved on to some of those groups
that you mentioned. Maybe right now, I guess everybody is

(46:14):
just looking out for each other. Well, this was a
few years ago. I was in this HBC. You're much
trying to people jobs. I mean, COVID, you know you
looked at for a job. But it gives the opportunity
to actually interact around topics and learn the person before
deciding to express interest and DM slide sliding into them dms.
That's the thing. So you know what, what I'm finding
that men are paying attention to women's presence right, how

(46:37):
they present themselves on social media, because this is kind
of the thing that we're doing. Hence why my Instagram
account is public. Why. So I was listening to a
live situation about dating during the quarantine, right, and this
woman said, you know, make space for your husband before
you have one, and I'm like, what that fun? Rights?

(46:59):
Sometimes so deep, I don't they do they do?

Speaker 3 (47:01):
And something sho just sound good? Right?

Speaker 1 (47:03):
But in practice. What is that? So she went as
far as I said she didn't make seas in her closet.
She said she made space in her class for a man,
her man. So first of all, right, I mean it's
a lot you setting her up. She since it's setting
herself up for failure. But is that the case or
are we being to see part of I feel like

(47:24):
women have gotten very lax in their standards while men
have raised the bar in their.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
Standards because now they know they have agency.

Speaker 1 (47:32):
Yeah, oh they think they Yeah, especially black men. They're
like we popping in these streets. These men are research
and education. They got the SAT words online up okay,
so yeah they know they were but I know you're
worth king still showing up with that girkin though, And
usually the ladder they bark a lot. The ladder that well,

(47:53):
I I've seen it. The louder they bark, the more
like a girk and it is. But that makes sense, yeah,
because who's loud. I don't like it. I don't like it.
You send me swang and that should have been the
song day. But back to this strategy around the right.
So one of her things was making space for your
husband where he gets there. So as far as the

(48:14):
clause it goes, I'm gonna beat you all that. Yeah,
So I think in my heart, maybe cleaning out my
baggage emotionally, right, I think that's a space. I think
that's the best place to start. I think that part
of the issue is and I've been talking to my therapist,
shout out to my therapist, doctor D. I think that
it is important to take care of self first because
the reality is that so many of us, especially let

(48:36):
me hold on, let's just get deep, let me put
my glass when it comes to Black people and relationship, right,
And I don't care if you are in a homosexual relationship,
if you are bisexual, LGBTQ, heterosexual, whatever. Black people in
relation or when it comes to connection, there is an issue.

(48:59):
There's an issue there because we have been taught in
condition for years, for hundreds of years, to hate who
we are. If we hate who we are on an
individual level, of course, we're gonna hate who we are
holistically or as a unit. Right. So the conditioning behind that,
and the mental health baggage and the complexity behind that

(49:24):
needs to be healed. Whether people want to talk about
it or not, sure think about it when you hear
those rap songs where people are talking about I think
low Wayne has I don't even really says they talk
about red bones, they talk about yellow bones, or they
may talk about dark skin systems only. And I think
that at the end of the day, like why are
we I mean, preference is fine because I got mine,

(49:46):
you know, but I don't need to wear it on
a T shirt, you know what I mean. I think
that we have to heal so many things within our
community before we are able to really unconditionally love one another.
And I think that that starts with self, which is
why I constantly preach self healing, self care, self And

(50:07):
it ain't selfish, it's self preservation. You have to take
care of yourself first, because you are of no use
to anybody if you are all rotten on the inside.
And what's happening is people are showing up rotten.

Speaker 3 (50:20):
And we talked about it earlier.

Speaker 1 (50:21):
I can only love you from my capacity, right, so
our capacity is super low, right, I can't even love
I can't even love you. Also, another thing to think
about that I've talked about what my therapist is. If
somebody does not show up for themselves and if somebody
does not put their own mental health and their own
self love and their own self care on the front

(50:44):
burner or in the forefront of their priorities. Why the
hell do you expect them to put you in the
front of their priorities. You're not getting their cis, You're
not getting there bruh, Right, And the problem is on women.
So I started seeing that even happen. But women are
putting needs and wants and whatever, but for her own well.
I think that's also social conditioning, because I think that

(51:05):
that is something that has been going on for years,
Whereas I always thought that or you know, we've always
been taught that it should be that the man takes
care of the household and he takes care of the family.
And I'm all about breaking like traditional norms and like

(51:26):
like cultural norms, but like, when is there a balance
in the relationship. I can't put you first all the time,
you can't put me first all the time. There has
to be a dance. And I think that what is
happening a lot of times in black relationships is that
the dance is not balanced because there's no conversation or

(51:48):
if we're talking, we are talking past one another.

Speaker 4 (51:51):
Or over one another, right, right?

Speaker 1 (51:54):
And also it's crazy that was having a conversation and
the comment I made was do you work contacts or glasses? Right?
And he said, well, why would you assume we're either?
And I said, oh, I wasn't assuming anything. I was
asking one of the other. He said, oh, I heard
it differently, and I'm like, that's crazy because I said
it with intention, right, but he received it under different prefenses.

(52:15):
Now we have a little inside joke because there's ever
a misunderstanding we see contacts and glasses. So now we've reset.
But look how beautiful that is though, right, and it's
so small, but it's big, but it's really big. And
you have established, you know, your own form of communication. Right.
If everybody, if all relationships, even friendships, even familiar relationships

(52:36):
stop and took the time to break that kind of
stuff down, we will break so many barriers. And for me,
that goes beyond communication. It goes back to like understanding
and know what the willingness to want to yes to
want to understand because now that I understand you, I
understand how to communicate with you. Now we have this

(52:56):
little joke. So now when it's about to be a
fight or argument. We can break all that ship up
with contacts and glasses and it dissolves it dissipation level.
It's it. Yeah, I mean yeah, and really we created it,
not even though we were creating anything. He can't be
your boyfriend. Well yet, all that's to say communication is

(53:21):
I guess it starts to sound cliche kind of, but
it's it is. It's very important. See, I don't think
communication is the most important. I've mentioned that. So I
mentioned that on the show before about a guy that
I was dating who was actually sure I think I
don't they like me. It's it's a well known well.
I liked him because he was smart. I love a

(53:41):
smart black man, and I love a black man that
I can learn from. No, it's not what can I
learn from you? You don't care about herself? Knowledge, she's
gonna be spitting on my food? No, no, knowledge is
being spat. I'm not dating nobody with no front teeth
when well, when he gets them, he can call me.
So anyway, the guy, the guy who was short, he

(54:03):
told me that, and I told this story before. But
that understanding is because I used to think it was communication.
That understanding is the most important aspect of a relationship
because if I don't understand who you are, I don't
even know how to communicate with you. Until I understand
who you are, I don't know how to communicate with you.
I don't know how to love you. I don't know
how to be honest with you. I don't know how

(54:24):
to be truthful to you. I don't know to have
faith in you because I don't even know who you
are at your core. But how would you know who
I am? And lest we communicate? Well? But I'm not
talking about like basic level communication. I'm talking about ain't
not in vacation, Ain't not basic. Yeah, I'm talking about
heavy level communication. Talking and just getting to know each
other is basic communication. That's like basic, fundamental communication. I'm

(54:46):
talking about me telling you about my nuances because you
can tell me all day that it's important to me
that you don't come into the bathroom when I'm in
the bathroom. But unless you understand that I have issues
around coming to the bathroom, why, Because yes, you got
to know the why before we go any further. Right,
But I think that's on you maybe to be open

(55:07):
and willing to share, absolutely, right. But if I don't
understand you, then I don't even know how to be
open and share, and may judge me as the person
with the with the bathroom since, yeah, if you just
say I need some alone time in the bathroom, right,
that's something that's fair to say, and you can pay period,
don't know if you want. I think it's important though,
to maybe be a little bit vulnerable, maybe a little
bit transparent in that and extended to say because blah

(55:31):
blah blah blah blah. Right, so you're still getting your
point across because you're allowing somebody to understand you to
begin that process. So maybe it's on us to help
facilitate that thing exactly. But at the end of the day,
it's it's that understanding of knowing who I am and
why right now, understanding the why do many of us
know who we are? Even? No, right, that's that's a
whole other level with him. So maybe the most important

(55:54):
thing is understanding yourself. Being self aware is very important.
So Elaisha from Georgia said, is they all suck all
of them. It's the people using them, not the platforms.
Bumbo is the best as far as how it sets
up interactions. But I think they all need better filters. Yes,
they all suck. Boo Radley, who is from Balmer hunt.

(56:17):
That's how you know she's really from Baltimore because only
people from Baltimore noticed called Balm Baltimore Balmer. She says
that Tender, she had a guy question how old her
photos were. Meanwhile, he looked like a slim gym. You
know what That probably means that he was brown and wrinkley.
How old her photos were? Yeah, it was the I

(56:37):
guess he was trying to say, pixels, you're dumb, dude,
the pixels. Men don't think about stuff like that. Maybe
I mean somebody's phone was older. I'm getting that. Maybe
he's saying that savage. Oh I want to read this.
And last, you don't think I think you're crazy. The
ten ass entity that thing is Chris. I think that

(57:01):
something is wrong with her. Chrissy from Baltimore says, I've
tried Tender, plenty of fish and hinge. I will say

(57:23):
the hinge is better than the others, but I got
off of there. I just honestly think that the online
thing is for hookups. From my experience, not anyone looking
for anything long term or serious. So it's a no
for me. I understand that because that's how I feel.
I have not read these before, so I have no
idea what people have read. Let me say this. The
next one is from Mumbi from Athens, Georgia, and Mumby

(57:45):
says tender. I went on two tender dates with a
guy before he told me he was a swinger with
his wife and asked me to join them. I kind
fully declined, but he continued to reach out, so we
would hang out periodically for drinks. Cut to one to
two months later. I don't know, ohmy, it sounds like
you were with it or you were trying to get
it up to it. Yeah, y'all going out. You guys
are going steady. I went to China for two weeks

(58:08):
and returned to like twenty five voicemails and crazy text messages.
When I turned on my phone, literally as soon as
I got to the third or fourth text and was
slowly piecing together the insanity, this guy's wife called me,
cursing me out because she thought I had given her husband. Oh,
I don't know, that sounded like a MITD. This guy's

(58:28):
wife called me cursing me out because she thought I
had given her husband a seed and she got it
as a result. I had not, We had never had
sex or even kissed. Some other woman had clearly infected them,
and for some crazy reason he threw me under the bus. Anyway,
I never spoke to him again. He was also a
teacher and I would see him sometimes at local events. Dummy,

(58:50):
So I think that out, that's a great content for
a story entertainment. That's wild.

Speaker 3 (58:54):
I'm glad she wasn't involved.

Speaker 1 (58:56):
I'm glad she went to China. Shout out to China.
How about that? Well, not shout out to right the
corona d from the Queen City? What's the Queen city?
Maybe like New York. I don't think it is. That's
Queen Apple, but like Queen you know, just be quiet
because you're smart and it doesn't sound good. I've been

(59:16):
on plenty dating apps, but have never gone on a
date from any of what, never even really met anyone.
I normally delete the app after about a month of
no action. What is she expecting she's not doing to?
I mean, who goes on dating's house and doesn't get
any action? But who doesn't get any action? I think
a blond, deaf dog will get some action.

Speaker 3 (59:34):
Well, you know what, one of my girlfriends says that
Sean really.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
She has actors. Yeah, she might not put forth any
app career. I could see that posturing, right, How are
you postured? How are you online? I feel like maybe
women do need to be a little more forward. Yeah,
and we have Jane here. Jane says, I use bumble
and hinge. I have been on five first dates with

(59:59):
five I have different men. I opted out of second
dates because none of their personalities and or spirits mash mine. Listen,
I get it, like, protect your spirit at all costs.
Take sage on them dates, sage floor to water, holy water,
holy oil, and just throw it at them. And if
they start out, then you know it ain't right if
it's burning. I feel like everyone acts fake or walks

(01:00:21):
on eggshells with online dating, and you aren't able to
see people's true personalities before in person dates. I disagree.
I definitely, I totally disagree with that. And I mean,
you know, I've done this for a long time. I
feel like I'm not currently dating online, but I did
it a long time and I did a lot of vetting.
And it's easy to do vetting if you pay close attention,

(01:00:43):
like you can see now some of them gonna get
by you now, of course, but I mean in person
they're gonna get by you too, absolutely, Like it's you know,
I hate when people say, oh you do that online dating,
Oh it's dangerous. You meet a lot of crazy people.
I mean crazy people on them all. I mean crazy people.
Let the grocery store, I work with crazy people. Like,
crazy people are everywhere, and you can meet crazy people

(01:01:05):
and go on dates with them and meet them in person.
A lot of it is about discernment, right, yes, And
the other part of it is for some reason, women
seem like they're afraid to ask man questions, not even interrogatively.
But five five different men, five first dates, and you

(01:01:26):
didn't like anybody for a second date. No. I definitely
understand if your spirit ain't there or it ain't like,
then you got to go your way. I definitely get that.
But at some point you got to think about, well,
what am I What am I giving on? That's fair,
That's the first thing. I'm always reflected first. Also, I
would ask myself that any of them attempting.

Speaker 3 (01:01:42):
Go on a second date with me because she didn't
That wasn't mentioned, right, I.

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
Thought she said she didn't go.

Speaker 3 (01:01:47):
No, that was she didn't, but she didn't say that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:49):
They didn't. They were trying to. She just didn't go right.
But maybe no White thought it was like a date
and I didn't. There is a question. Maybe maybe This
one is from Lisa B. And Lisa says, I recently
tried the Facebook dating app. I got to see this
Facebook dating app. I've I've seen it on my scroll,
but I thought it was Oh, I X out of
it because it freaks me out. Facebook knows too much

(01:02:11):
about our lives. So you've never been on it. Heck, no,
I don't get it. I'm not getting on it. We'll
get on it and tell me about.

Speaker 3 (01:02:17):
I would do it for research, but I I mean.

Speaker 1 (01:02:19):
Okay, we'll get on it. I recently tried the Facebook
dating app. I think it's a great way to meet people.
Most men, mostly men, are on the app, and they
appear to be diligent and looking for a life partner
aka a husband or wife smiley face. Especially with the pandemic,
it's a resourceful tool to use in order to meet
a man. I would say, if you are serious about

(01:02:40):
online dating, sisters, get ready because the men are waiting
to take you on a date. In her perspective, Yeah,
but you know, I know I got trust issues and
my therapist will tell you that in a heartbeat. But
some about this sounds like an ad Right, what are
you saying she coped for Facebook? I don't know, But
why would she because nothing is going to happen Like
I'm not going to report this actim but maybe maybe
she didn't and maybe she is just so are you

(01:03:03):
going to get on there? No? Probably not, But you said,
but this is this is what I wanted to say
to our last, our last, our last person. Okay, since
we're in quarantine or COVID or whatever, people are really
not gland anywhere, not saying that you can't go for
a hike, or you can get more creative, a little
more effort for half. I want to say this. I
went on a hike recently with my best friend and

(01:03:24):
I felt I feel like I almost died. I think
she was trying to kill me. But I went on
a hike with her and it was a little bit
of me overcoming a fear because we were in the woods.
We was we was in them woods. Do you understand me?
Like in the woods, like what time was it? This
sounds late that No, it was at twelve noon and

(01:03:44):
that Why are you so scary? Don't do that to me.
You're judging me, and I do not like it. Why
don't you ask my therapists how about that? Okay? No, no,
I will not see. This is the kind of judging
that I do not accept. Here on hand, me my purse.
It's is not judging. These are questions that is not okay,
introspectively dig anyway, you're trying to understand me. I guess. Yeah,

(01:04:08):
I don't feel comfortable being that deep in the woods, Okay,
because how do I get out? M hm? So I
don't know if I would go hiking on a first date. Oh,
it would be deep in the worlds. I was scared
of that.

Speaker 4 (01:04:21):
Peace.

Speaker 1 (01:04:22):
You see what I'm saying I do for a first date,
I don't. I wouldn't suggest hiking. No, I would suggest
a picnic. I think that idea in a park where
I mean people are open first dates. Grocery shopping definitely
not traditional, but I need to get groceries right. But
I also think people are not utilizing video chat as
much as I think they should. Because you can video
chat within these apps, so I don't have to give

(01:04:43):
you my phone number if I don't feel comfortable yet, right,
I can talk to you on the phone or video
chat with you through this app, so I can definitely,
you know, check out your front teeth. And that's kind
of like money running that and they think it's funny.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
So now I'm super witty and keep what apps.

Speaker 1 (01:05:00):
But that's a thing. Any of my material you can use, Okay,
absolutely feel free, feel free. But yeah, I think your
point about to your point about vetting, there's no way. No, granted,
I can't see the inside of your soul. I can't
get down to your That's gonna take some time, but
not for me to feel comfortable going on a first date.

(01:05:20):
I feel like the only one that said her spirits
is all that could didn't match to connect. I think
I would have been figured that out on the first
few first conversations via videage. I think it's fine for her,
I do see it, but I'm just saying I think
she could have got there quicker before going on a
real for outrun of the day. No, granted, if she
likes men to take her out, then maybe that was
you know, that might have been prognant. Some women do
like that they do, but right now with COVID, ain't

(01:05:42):
nobody really going nowhere nowhere else? On another note, like
I don't really want to go out with nobody because
I don't really know, like bring me your COVID papers. Look,
I don't even have my COVID papers, so I don't
have but I know I'm I don't have no symptoms
and things are working over here. So just wish you
around January then we can go on all the ice

(01:06:02):
skating dates. I do miss that though. I miss going
on dates. Yeah, yeah, I love a good iceat Do
you think men playing great dates or are these maybe
a little I think exceptional men playing great Yeah, exceptional
men playing great dates? Is it because basically does he

(01:06:23):
listen to what you're saying? Some of them are listening
to what we are saying. And some of them are
just exceptional. Some of them are just they're creative, you know,
they know how to some of them know how to
play the game. Yeah, and then some of them just
some of them like to have a good time. Let
me tell you something. I dated this guy. When I

(01:06:44):
tell you, I just had a ball with him, Like
his spirit was just like beautiful, like we just had fun,
like and we could just be walking to seven eleven. Yeah,
and we just had a good time. Yeah yeah yeah
yeah he yeah. Anyway, our last online dating poll is

(01:07:08):
from Lena, and Lena says, this is a beautiful one.
I'm going to read this one. I joined Black People
Meet in twenty ten. I did that too, Did you
ever do that? Black People Meet? Absolutely? Girl, They stole
my money though Black on me wasn't free. No, I know,
I pay, I paid, and they stole forty dollars from me.
I had to write sole how they steal it? Like
they took it and I had canceled it and they

(01:07:28):
kept on taking it after I had canceled it. Oh
yeah you doing That's how they do? Yeah, well automatic pain. No, No,
I had unsubscribed from the automatic pay. It wasn't within
thirty days. You gotta read the I don't know. No,
they were wrong. They were wrong. Now did get it back? Yes?
I did so. It wasn't melo, Now get my money came.
It was pretty new. They trotting out of publicity. No,

(01:07:50):
it was. It was way after twenty ten. I joined
Black People Meet in twenty ten. Says Lena. I initially
paid for the six month subscription. I had a few
conversations that came about, but no connection and definitely no dates.
She venting hardcore, you understand. I decided to give the
site a break for a few months. I went back
on the site at the end of the year. This
time I subscribed for just one month. Within a week

(01:08:13):
of my expiration date, I received a message from a
guy I had come across previously that was local. I
had not engaged him before and where he was. I
decided to reply, and surprisingly, I offered my phone number
to him. Because my work schedule was so crazy that
I knew I couldn't chat much on the site. We
talked for hours, as if we already knew each other.

(01:08:34):
I felt instant comfort. Within two weeks we had a date,
but I made shorter play is safe. From there, we
have been inseparable. Oh we were exclusive a month after meeting,
and within eighteen months we were married. Look at God,
we just celebrated eight years of marriage last week. Come on, Jesus,
shout out with j shit. Even y'all shine though, let

(01:08:56):
me tell you something. No, you're worth playing. That's that's
a beautiful. It's beautiful. It is it is, and what's
crazy is like that's real. No, it is really like
that's the thing. I've heard the stories like this. There
are so many people and this is why, like some
people say, oh, online dating its for hookups or online
datings for the listen, it is for who it's for,

(01:09:20):
but it's also what you make it. So if I'm
at a bar and I'm trying to get laid, guess
what's it gonna get? Lad pipe? Right, So like it
sounded like, I mean, it sounds quite organic, but you
know what I'm saying, like, if I meet a man today,
I'm not looking for that right solely right, So it

(01:09:42):
ain't no not to say I can't get bamboos, because
of course I know, but this sounds like, yeah, this
is love. It sounds like that, especially since she said,
you know, she didn't usually give guys her phone number,
but she gave it to him because her work schedule
is crazy and she knew she wouldn't have time. And
they've been inseparable ever within eighteen months they were married.
This gives me hope, halleluyah, not to ruin.

Speaker 3 (01:10:08):
This beautiful moment because this is dope.

Speaker 1 (01:10:10):
I read something today that said, you know, when you
meet somebody that feels like you know, y'all known each
other forever, could that really be something in you that
is recycling old ship? I felt that with my friend.
I felt that way about you when I met you,
and we're friends. That's true. They were taking it in
a toxic place. Well, people, maybe people need to stop
thinking about things from I want the word to like

(01:10:33):
be canceled. Toxic. I don't like it, but I like it.
I think we're over using it toxic. I don't everything
is toxic and it's not. It is. Most things are
decisions that you've made, choices. They're choices, right if you
think about it. Most women know the man they're marrying.

(01:10:53):
They married him anyway, and he ended up being aduce
She was a decent fort you said, I.

Speaker 4 (01:10:56):
Do, sir.

Speaker 1 (01:10:57):
You know I always say that to people, right, maybe's
like thirty something years. I'm like, well, what's me like that?
When you met him? You know your man? You know
your man? Why I know your man? Right? Well? But
I'm loving her story because I feel like that here's
people hope. It definitely getting on hands in September. Why
are you writing. I know my therapist says when you

(01:11:18):
think about I know when I talk about my therapists
a lot. Though I love her so well. I just
love her so much. And you know why I love
her because the breakthroughs that I'm having like that is
god Like. It's a godsend when you've been stuck for
a long time on stuff like She's like a little
angel with her little self. I love her. But anyway,

(01:11:41):
I don't even know what I was saying. Anyway, guys,
I want to thank Canvas for being on the show today.
The next show will be the next part in the
series about dating. I hope you enjoyed the show. I
love this girl. She is crazy and hopefully I'll have
her on the show again because I love having people
on the show that make me laugh. And I hope
none of you guys get caught with her guy that

(01:12:02):
she went on a date with with no teeth, And
if you do, I hope the Joka has gotten a
partial plate. The bridge shout out to can't collective again
for listen. That drink was good. It's gone. Yeah, we've
had actually, so we are on we've had two and

(01:12:24):
the cup is probably like twenty two ounces. We drinking
like old ladies from south central LA. Like if it
was a forty we would have downed it. So shout
out to Can't Collective. If you don't know who they are,
I will link them in all of my posts about
the show on Instagram. If you're local in the DMV area,

(01:12:44):
you need to find out about them and you can
order and they will deliver and it is delicious and
it is worth it. It's worth it. It's totally worth it, absolutely,
and she even knew who about them before we even
sat down. She had some in a refrigerator, but I
brought my own because I wanted what I wanted. Love you, Candice,
thank you so much. Absolutely. I apprecid you having me here. Absolutely.

(01:13:06):
Thank you. All right, friends and can today for straight facts,
we have a question coming from Lou of Riverdale, Georgia.

(01:13:29):
And Lou wants to know how do I address my girlfriend.
I love her and want to be with her, but
she is insistent on bringing a third party into our relationship.
I'm selfish and jealous and I don't like to share,
but I don't want to lose her. Well, Lou, this

(01:13:53):
is where the rubber meets the road, I guess they say,
because if you don't want to lose her, but she
is insistent on palm bringing someone else in, it's time
to have like a really tough conversation. It's time to
get to like the nucleus of why she wants to
bring someone else in, and then get to the nucleus

(01:14:14):
of why you don't like to share and you don't
want to do that. When you guys get to that,
you guys got to kind of talk that out. And
if she's not willing to compromise, or you're not willing
to compromise, I hate to say it, my guy, but
it might be time to take your love elsewhere because

(01:14:36):
I don't believe that in situations like this people should
have to compromise that heavily, because you know, if you
know that this is a big issue and you are
not interested in bringing the third party in because that
you know that's a major step, then I don't think
you should have to compromise that. I really don't And

(01:14:57):
if she really wants it, I don't think she should
have to compromise really wanting it, because guess what, there
is somebody out there who will want to be with
you without adding a third party. And there's somebody out
there who will be totally okay with bringing a third
party in if that's what she wants. So I think
it's time to have a very ugly conversation. Well, you

(01:15:20):
know what, let me take that back. Not an ugly conversation.
I think it's time to have a very serious, authentically
honest conversation. And if these are deal breakers, I don't
think the two of you should compromise that. So, friends
and Ken, for today's we got to do better. While

(01:15:41):
I was at Candice's house, I saw this deck of
cards on like her bar, and I asked her if
I could open them and just take a look at him.
I can't. I believe the company is called I Am,
I AM Co or I AM Company, and they have
a deck of cards, and I believe they're called the
I AM Affirmations. And I'm going to read one and

(01:16:05):
it says this is the first one actually in the deck.
They're numbered. It's a set of thirty affirmations to read
to yourself every day that start with I AM. The
one I'm going to read today it's number one and
it is I AM Love. I may not have always
made the right choices, but I did my best. I
have so much love to give and everyone around me

(01:16:26):
can feel it. I am given a clean slate every
single day to be the best version of me that
I can be. I am forgiven. I am love. That's it.
It's real simple, no need to really expound on it.
It's a simple message. Read it to yourself again. Read
it to yourself over and over and over and over,
and let it bring some joy to your heart. How
about that? Friends and Ken, you already know how this goes.

(01:16:52):
The first thing that I want to do is thank God,
because you know, it's kind of what we do here
and hand me my person. We thank God first because
we are grateful for all of the blessings that have
been bestowed upon us. I also want to thank my guests,
my homegirl Candace for joining me today and making me
laugh so hard that it actually hurt. I also want

(01:17:14):
to send a serious Auntie shout out to the dudes
over at Caine Collective for this awesome drink we had today.
I mean, Candace definitely crafted the drink, but without Cane
Collective and their passion fruit jalapeno mixer, it would clearly
just be a vodka soda and I don't like vodka soda.
I highly suggest that if you are in the DMV

(01:17:35):
area you find out about Cane Collective. I'm going to
post all of their info, including their IG account information
and their website and their Instagram is like always popping
and tells you like all of the places you can
purchase their mixers where there'll be every weekend so you
can purchase it live and direct. You know, support black business.
It's what I do, is what we do here at

(01:17:55):
hand Me my Purse. We support plenty of businesses, we
support all businesses, but we absolutely with pride Black Pride
support black businesses here and hand me my Purse. I
want to thank my family, my friends, my supporters, and
of course you guys out there listening. I appreciate you

(01:18:16):
guys more than you will ever know. I want you
to know that I love you dearly and I cannot
wait until we get to do this again, which will
be on the first of next month. Now, before you
exit out of whatever streaming service you are using to
listen to this, I want you to stop, go click
subscribe or follow if you can if they allow, and
then I want you to get on over to Instagram

(01:18:37):
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You can also follow me on Twitter at HMMP podcast
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And if you listen on Apple Podcasts or any other
medium that allows you to do so, please rate and
review Hand Me My Purse. I love you for it,

(01:18:59):
and you know what I want. I wanna start reading
reviews and comments that you guys leave me about the show,
saying that you like the show and how you feel
about the show. So go on ahead and write me
a review now and maybe I'll read yours on the
next show. Show notes are available at hand Memipurse dot
buzzsprout dot com. Again, that is hand Me My Purse

(01:19:21):
dot buzzsprout dot com. If you get lost on the
interwebs trying to find me, ch'a just google Hand Me
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How to listen, where to listen, all of my social
media stuff. It's gonna help you out. And just stay

(01:19:41):
tuned because there will be a website launch in the
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memipurse dot com, or send me a DM on Instagram
or on Twitter, and don't forget. You can expect a

(01:20:01):
brand new episode of hand Me My Purse the podcast
on the first and fifteenth of every single month, so
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and the fifteenth early in the morning, you already know
your girl is going to have you covered on those
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(01:20:27):
These are for my international friends and ken and anywhere
else you may even think that you can find it,
or you can just go straight to my bus sprout
website and find it there. I look forward to you,
looking forward to listening, and I'm out of business. Hand

(01:21:12):
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}RETRO EPISODE No. 12: The Culture of Dating in the Black Community w/Kandis

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Dateline NBC

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

All Episodes

RETRO EPISODE No. 12: The Culture of Dating in the Black Community w/Kandis

Stuff You Should Know