RETRO EPISODE No. 13: The Culture of Dating in the Black Community w/B. Jamelle

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts,
so Friends and Ken to kick off the month of February,
which is a month where we celebrate Black History Month,
of course, and we celebrate love. Why not, I thought,
why not go back in time or go back into

(00:20):
the catalog and share one of my favorite episodes with
you guys about black love and dating in our community.
And this episode is with a very good friend of mine.
Her name is Bianca, and I hope that you enjoy it.

Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is old school, so if you.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
Have not gone back into the catalog, and you have
not gone back into season one, the first year of
hand Me My Purse, this will give you some insight
into where I've come from. It's a wonderful conversation. I
hope you guys like it. I really love some feedback

(01:04):
and just to find out what you guys think about it.
Enjoy it and happy Black History Month, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:30):
Me I can't see the thing that Okay, what's up?

Speaker 3 (01:36):
Y'all?

Speaker 2 (01:36):
Welcome to hand Me My Purse the podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
I am Mimi Walker, and I will be your forever
host each and every single time you tune into this podcast,
So go ahead and get comfortable, get yourself a glass
of your favorite beverage, whether that's alkaline water, red kool aid,
a hot cup of tea with honey, a glass of
Cabernet Salvignon or Hannessy, light yourself a candle, some incense

(02:04):
or burn some stage and just get ready to chill.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
Out and have a good time.

Speaker 1 (02:18):
What's up, friends and ken. It is Memi resident Auntie
Supreme here at Handy my Purse, the podcast, and today
I am sipping on a quick little sangreeas situation that
I put together because you know, I need to relax
a lot happening. There are a lot of moving pieces
happening in the world today and yesterday and last week

(02:41):
and this week and probably next week, and SIS needed
to relax, and not relax like hardcore relax. I just
needed to calm my spirit. So what I did was
my good friends that can collective. They have a mixed
berry punch mixer and it is entitled Boon vivont. How

(03:02):
do I know how to say that like that? Because
you may not know this, but your girl has been
studying French since March. Because I wanted to come out
of this COVID with some new skills, some skills that
I could use.

Speaker 2 (03:14):
I love Paris.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
I have not talked about traveling on this on my podcast,
but I love to travel. Paris is my city. I
love Paris, and I wanted to learn how to speak
French so that the next time I go there, I'm
not using Google Translate the entire time that I'm there.
So that's how I know that it is pronounced boem Vivont,

(03:36):
but it is spelled b n v I v a
n t s. So I use their bone Vivont mixed
berry punch. I use the nineteen Crime Snoop Dogg wine
and nineteen Crimes is this wine where it's an interactive wine.
You download the app and you put the phone your phone.

(03:56):
Once you you open the app and you put the
phone up to the front of the wine bottle, and
the wine bottle talks. First time I saw it, second
time and third time I saw it, it freaked me
the hell out.

Speaker 2 (04:06):
So I don't really fool with it. I didn't download
the app or anything.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
But because you know, in my spirit, I'm a West
Coast girl, I had to get this.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Snoop Dogg wine. I had to. I had to do
it for the West.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
Okay, So I got that mix those together, added some
bubbly grapefruit seltzer, which is one of my favorite. And
know they are not paying me, None of these people
are paying me. But these are things that I'm using.
I want you to know what I'm using, just in
case you want to try it. So mix all of
those together in like a half gallon pitcher.

Speaker 2 (04:35):
Was it a half gallon?

Speaker 1 (04:36):
I'm pretty sure it were sixty four ounces. I poured
the whole bottle of the bon Vivance Punch, the whole
bottle of the Nineteen Crimes wine. And here's the thing
about the Snoop Dogg Nineteen Crimes wine. It's I don'tmember
it being as dry as a Merleau, but it was
kind of like a pino noir.

Speaker 2 (04:54):
I could be wrong. I didn't look it up.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
If you want to look it up, feel free, but
just know it was a dry wine, not like a
sweet wine or anything. So it was kind of good
because the mixberry poncho is sweet, the wine is dry,
and then the grapefruit bubby kind of gave it some
citrus notes versus giving it a lot of like more
berry notes and making it more sweet. Because I don't
really like sweet wine. So I added the grapefruit bubbling,

(05:19):
and then I cut up some apples, oranges and some
lemons and put that in there, and sis had a situation.
And when I tell you, it was good, it was delicious. Okay,
So what I'm gonna do. The thing about the grapefruit
selter and why I use grapefruit and cut up lemons
and oranges was because I didn't want to make it

(05:41):
too sweet, so the grapefruit seals are kind of made
it pop. Anyway, it was good, it was a situation.
I want you to try it out if you can.
Cane's Collective is pretty local, and when I say local,
I mean like Maryland, like the DMV area. I think
you can get it in Philly as well. I'm not
really sure, but I'm going to put a link to

(06:03):
their website and their Instagram information in the show notes.
If you reach out to them, they're really cool. I'm
sure you know they'll let you know like where you
can find it or if you can find it in
your area or whatever. But if you can try it,
I want you. I am going to give you a
homework assignment. I want you to make this little drink
that I have. Find yourself some cane collective, bon Vivant

(06:25):
berry mixer, get yourself that Nineteen Crimes Snoop Dogg Wine,
get yourself some grapefruits seltzer. It doesn't have to be
bubbly if you don't want it to. Or get lemon,
or get lime or lemon lime and make this. I
want to know if you try it out. I want
to know what you made. And here's the thing I
didn't tell you. It has gold sparkles in it. One

(06:47):
thing you don't know about me. I love gold. Okay,
that's the Africa in me. I love gold, and I
love shiny stuff. I love gold. It has gold sparkles.
So it touched my heart in a different kind of way.

Speaker 2 (07:00):
I want you to go out. I want you to
try it. I want you to try it. I want
you to try it. Okay.

Speaker 1 (07:05):
It was delicious and I only did I drink it once,
but I drank it twice. Okay, So I want you
to go ahead and try that. Tell me what you think.
And yeah, let's go ahead and get into this jam.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
Why don't we.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
Both friends and ken For this episode's jam, I decided
to go with one of those like quintessential love songs.
For me, I feel like it is a quintessential love
song because it kind of is evoke in the spirit
of like.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
Just let me know what's up.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
And for myself, I can say that this is essentially
how I am right. And it gets in a way
when it comes to dating for me because like I
know that dating, like I suck at dating.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
I'm not good at it. I feel like it is bullshit.

Speaker 1 (07:58):
I feel like it's too much of an inauthentic dance
when you could just be upfront and direct with people,
right like I like you, you like me, or we
had sex. It might have been too early, but guess what,
I still like you and I kind of want to
see where this goes. Or we haven't had sex yet.
I really want to have sex with you, but if

(08:19):
that's going to make things weird, I don't want to
do it. Or you know, just about being direct and
that song is Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain for me love.
I love Bob Marley. First of all, He's fine. His
kids are beautiful, them sons gee Mo nitty, those Marley
sons are fine as frog hair. But I wouldn't touch

(08:41):
one of them with a ten foot pole because they
put some kind of houchikuchie hoodoo on you because you
don't be right after you date them, it seems like.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
But anyway, shout out to Lauren Hill.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
But anyway, I love this song because, like, essentially he's
just saying, you know, I've been checking for you for
a while. Even if he's saying it like we've been
friends for a while and I've had like a twinkle
in my eye for you, and I'll keep on checking
for you. I don't have a problem with it. But
here's what I really need to know, Like, how do

(09:10):
you feel about me? Because I'm not about to keep
doing this if it's all for nothing. I don't want
to wait in vain for you. From the moment I
saw you, my heart said, you know, follow through with this.
Oh I love this song. His heart told him to
follow through. He followed through. But at the end of
the day, like I just don't want to do this
for nothing. If you don't feel the same way that

(09:31):
I feel, or if you don't feel something, I don't
want to wait in vain. I love this song, and
let me tell you something. I look for a cover
for this song. I looked and I looked and I looked,
and none of them really did anything for me, like
real talk. And so I've learned that I have to
keep digging and keep digging, and I really try to
keep my covers.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
I try to look for covers.

Speaker 1 (09:54):
Done by black people, you know, and if I can't
find one by a black person, then I will do one,
you know, by a person of color. So I found
this cool band from New Zealand. They were black. I
hate saying aboriginal because they are original. I'm not gonna
call them ab original their original. But anyway, this band
from New Zealand, and I liked what they did, but

(10:16):
it didn't it wasn't quite hitting on it for me.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Right, kept looking.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
I found this sister and I'm gonna call her sister
because she, you know, she's brown. I found this young
sister from Hawaii and she did an acoustic version and
she was using a beat machine and she was singing
and playing the guitar and I really liked it. And
the reason that I picked it, I think, is because
I know a lot of Hawaiian Polynesian, you know, islanders,

(10:45):
and they really love Jamaican Rastafarian culture.

Speaker 2 (10:50):
So I said, you know what, I'm gonna go with this.

Speaker 1 (10:52):
Her name is Joanna g or Joanna, Joanna, Joanna, I
don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that,
but anyway, her name is Joanna or Joanna Gee. I'm
going to link the cover, of course in the show notes,
but I'm also going to link her Instagram in the
show notes, and I want you to just get into it.

(11:13):
Her voice is beautiful and she does the song justice.
Like I said before, sometimes when I post these covers
in here, like I'm like, man, this is some Mickey
Mouse fraggle nago, you know what. But sometimes when I
get it right, or when they get it right, they
get it right, or I get it right because it's
my show. But I got it right this time. I

(11:34):
really really love this version. And I will say I'm
only posting a snippet, but do yourself a favor and
go listen to her entire version.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
It's really, really, really.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
Good and I hope you like it, and let's get
into it right now. So Sins excuse me for interrupting

(12:20):
your listening experience, but Sins has this is the longest
intro to the song ever, and if you watch the video,
you will understand why because she is setting it up
and she's using her feet. I love people who use
their feet to do things. But she's using her feet
to set her tone and do all her buttons and
all that stuff. But good God says like it's taking

(12:41):
too long. People want to hear the song, so I
kind of broke it up for y'all, but I wanted
y'all to hear how it comes in with that acoustic guitar.

Speaker 2 (12:47):
So go ahead, let's get back into it. Sorry about that, right.

Speaker 4 (13:00):
TV on a strange there's no hip message and then
talk to me, yes if you can come down.

Speaker 3 (13:18):
Or not?

Speaker 4 (13:19):
My friends nd I of mona ways, so.

Speaker 3 (13:30):
Out of lon way. I don't wanna waits you go,
I don't.

Speaker 4 (13:45):
Wanna h.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
Now, let's get into the show.

Speaker 1 (14:19):
Friends and Ken, we are here today with my friend Bianca.
Some people call her be, some people call her b Jamel,
some people call her Bianca. I call her Bianca because
that is how I met her, and that is how
I address her. Or I call her siss because she
is my sister. And we are talking today about This

(14:43):
is part two in a series of three or four
game pot on the culture of dating in the black community,
and we're going to talk a lot about love and
actually friends and ken. We have been talking for an
hour and yours truly did not record it on zoom

(15:04):
because you know what, sometimes things happen, and so we
are going to try to have this conversation again. And
you know, that was just like a rehearsal, you know,
And I'm thankful that she is flexible and she is
understanding that I am a human being, and you know,
sometimes we make mistakes.

Speaker 2 (15:23):
And we are going to get into this thing.

Speaker 1 (15:24):
And I am going to say, Okay, in the name
of Jesus, as God looks down upon us from uh
sitting on high the universe, our ancestors, We're gonna bless
this conversation. It's gonna be amazing. Okay, that's right. So
I'm gonna have Bianca introduce herself and then we are

(15:46):
gonna go ahead and get started with this conversation. Bianca
introduced herself to my friends.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
Okay, please, I can try. So all of sort of
friends in pasting know me as to be on them.
People that know me a bit more intimately called me
b and the people that know me from music, which
is what I do know me as b Jamel.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
She has the voice of a goddess.

Speaker 1 (16:13):
And I am going to link her instagram in the
show notes and if you have time, no make time,
go and go just go look on her Instagram and
listen to this woman sing.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
She has such a beautiful voice.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
Her mother was a backup singer or a background singer,
a background vocalist for Richard Smallwood.

Speaker 3 (16:38):
Right, yes, the Richard Smaller. She was actually a part
of the original Rick Richard Smallwood Singers. They were a group.

Speaker 2 (16:45):
She wasn't no background singer. Her mama ain't no background singer.

Speaker 3 (16:49):
She m part of the original Richard smallwot singer. So
I was a road baby.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
She was a road baby.

Speaker 1 (16:57):
And so that lets you know that we're gonna get
a little churchy up in here today. And when I
say churchy, I don't mean it in the judgmental way.
I mean I'm gonna be shondeauing up in here. Okay,
it's because it already did happen.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
But guess what, I wasn't recording it. But guess what,
I'm a Shondeau again because some of.

Speaker 3 (17:14):
These just like in the service, we're gonna go all day.

Speaker 2 (17:17):
You're gonna go all night. So goe, so listen, gone,
get you something to drink.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
Sit down, sat down, as as church mother say, sat down,
Go get you something to drink. Sat down, pull up
a seat and get ready. The first thing I want
to ask Banca is I want you to tell me about.

Speaker 2 (17:37):
Your favorite thing to drink. And it could be anything.

Speaker 1 (17:41):
That be water, It could be tea, It could be coffee,
It could be milk, it could be kafir, it could
be tequila.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
What is your favorite thing to drink?

Speaker 3 (17:50):
Well? When might just gonna talk about what I'm finished
gonna write this second which is uh, this wonderful good,
Come on.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
Cha in it?

Speaker 3 (18:00):
You know, like a little sweet. I like sweet and creamies.
I see.

Speaker 1 (18:06):
She likes a sweet and creamy drink and I am
the exact opposite. I do not like creamy liquorish.

Speaker 2 (18:14):
Be I do not. I don't drink Bailey's. Now.

Speaker 1 (18:18):
I did go to Canada. I went to Niagara Falls.
If you guys ever get a chance to go to
Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls has amazing vineyards and they have
amazing wineries. And Wayne Gretzky, who used to play with
the I don't even know what they're called.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
But who did he play for? Whatever?

Speaker 1 (18:38):
That's a Generation X thing. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky. If you're
a Generation EX or you know about Wayne Gretzky. But
whoever he played for, I can't remember. But he has
a whiskey distillery and winery in Niagara Falls, and I
went there and I did a whiskey tasting and I
tasted their like clem liqueur, and it's kind of like Bailey's,

(19:02):
but it made Bailey taste like sour milkchail when I
tell you, it was delicious and.

Speaker 2 (19:07):
I don't drink stuff like that, but it was so good.

Speaker 1 (19:10):
So if you ever get a chance when outside open
back up and other countries allow our peasantly American selves
to visit their countries.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
And listen, listen, that's really what it is.

Speaker 1 (19:23):
Once other countries allow our raggedy ass American selves to
come visit them again, make your way to Niagara Falls
and go on a wine tasting tour.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
It's so amazing.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
And make sure you go to Wayne Gretzky's distillery. It
is really, really, really nice. But anyway, I digress. So
we know what she likes to drink.

Speaker 2 (19:43):
We know about her mama.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
She was beautiful. She is beautiful like her mama. And
today we are going to be talking about love and
relationships and dating in the black community. And as I
sit here saying this to you, I'm really internally beating
myself up for not recording that first conversation we had.

Speaker 2 (20:05):
And just trying to figure out, like, how do we
move on from this?

Speaker 1 (20:08):
And that's kind of like what dating is. It's like,
you know, you have a good time, you know, and
things are beautiful and they go really well, and then
something reminds you that you just did not do something right,
something ain't right, and if you look up and everything
is gone to ship and then you're wondering, how.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Do I move on from here? That is exactly what
this That is exactly what happened. Am I lying the uncle?

Speaker 3 (20:37):
It sounds pretty accurate.

Speaker 2 (20:38):
I'm in I'm in here recording I you know, I
went out.

Speaker 3 (20:45):
Of yourself.

Speaker 1 (20:46):
I went out today and I went out and I
hung out with my cousin and I'm actually in her
room now, so we actually have a third party in here.
You might hear making black lady noises like m I
know that's right in the background, and you know, there's
always somewhere, somebody there to witness the deterioration of your relationship.

Speaker 2 (21:05):
And that is what happened today, you know. But you
know what this is, This is us moving forward.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
Okay, So we are going to move forward. I'm not
gonna harbor any ill will for myself. I'm not gonna
beat myself up for not doing this right. I'm just
gonna move forward and we're just gonna get into it.
So the first thing that I would like to talk
about is the shifts in dating, Like there's there's there's
been a shift in in dating and in relationships in

(21:34):
our community. Things are very very different than they were
when I was in high school. Things are very very
different than they were when I was in college. Things
are different than they were when I was in my twenties. Okay,
and that's when I got a little I got a
little wild.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
In my twenties.

Speaker 1 (21:48):
I got a little while in my late twenties, I
was late to the wild party. Okay, but even then, like,
things are so much different now, what do you think
that is?

Speaker 2 (21:58):
What do you think that's about the shift? Let's name
the shift?

Speaker 3 (22:03):
What is the shift? See?

Speaker 2 (22:05):
What do we call it? Oh?

Speaker 1 (22:07):
I'm not even gonna repeat what my cousin just said
because it's not appropriate. Okay, I definitely want to know,
and I'm gonna see if I can paraphrase that she said,
because dudes are starting to act like chicks.

Speaker 2 (22:23):
And you can use your imagination and put one and
two together and imagine what she really said.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
I'm not gonna say it, but basically she said, dudes
be acting like chicks. Now, what I will say as
a disclaimer is that para hand me my purse. We
are not here to bash men.

Speaker 2 (22:38):
It is not what we do. I love black men.
I came from a black man, and you can run
with that whatever you want.

Speaker 1 (22:49):
Did you hear where I was going. I came from
a black man, and I came for a black man
actually recently, and it was amazing.

Speaker 2 (22:59):
The drought is over. The draft is over, Friends and Ken,
The draft is over. That COVID draft is over. Hallelu Okay, okay,
it's over. I'm on now.

Speaker 3 (23:11):
It's over.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
Because I was in the background, come on with the
over drought. COVID draft is over.

Speaker 1 (23:18):
So I would say this that was so inappropriate and
for my actual auntour listening, I'm very sorry. I did
not mean to say that. Please don't spank me and
still give me presents on Christmas.

Speaker 2 (23:27):
Auntie's listen, Wait a minute, did you hear what she said?
She said, aunties be throwing it back too. That's right.

Speaker 3 (23:37):
With the best of them, most taking that.

Speaker 2 (23:41):
I wish I wish the aunties would teach me how
they threw it back, because they're the ones with the
husbands for thirty.

Speaker 3 (23:46):
Years, loyal husbands.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
Listen, they they driving kids, the appointments. Tell me how
to be like you? Oh, great sensation. Listen.

Speaker 3 (23:58):
I mean I've been throwing it in the circle. Should
it be an me?

Speaker 2 (24:01):
Should it be in a rectangle?

Speaker 3 (24:03):
Your age? Yes?

Speaker 2 (24:06):
Your ways? O grace sent say, but so what do
you what do you attribute let's name this shift? What
is the shift? Do you think? So my cousin seems
to think that the shift is that dudes be acting
like ladies. Okay, and I mean there may be some.

Speaker 3 (24:22):
They could never I feel like they act.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
Like listen, because acting like a woman. If men acted
like women, we will probably be in good relationships. Right.

Speaker 3 (24:32):
They acting like they're acting like the societal stereotype of
women and the societal ideal of women like they they
do enjoy a certain amount of like you said in
the in the Lost Recordings, the Lost Files very much
them coming into sort of the awareness of the scarcity,

(24:59):
the imbalanced and just availability of they know.

Speaker 2 (25:04):
So here's the thing.

Speaker 1 (25:04):
In the Loss Recordings we talked about how you know,
brothers know now that like they do hot shit on
the streets, like it used to be a thing where
like women were the thing, right and where like if
there were brothers, and there were uncles and the father
and the cousins and even the mamas and the sisters,
like you need to come over here. We need to
bring this dude over here. Let's check him out. Let's

(25:27):
see if he is good enough for you. Men nowadays,
don't let him have no little funky job, that little
funky degree. Don't let him wash his ears and wear cologne.
Child and have au bill think that they are doing
something Chia. They looking at it like, oh no, Sis,
you need this, you need me. That is based on

(25:48):
what society tells us about our men. I don't necessarily
subscribe to that concept. I do not believe that all
men are dogs, especially all black men. I don't believe
that all black men are bad fathers. I do not
believe that all black men are in jail, or all
black men are gay, or all black men are cheaters,
or all black men or anything.

Speaker 2 (26:05):
I believe that all black men are beautiful, but.

Speaker 1 (26:07):
Some my may right.

Speaker 3 (26:12):
We're all victims of the same poor conditioning, like we're
all trying to unlearn, you know, sort of the value
systems of the larger culture, the culture we've been sat
down then forced to adhere to. Is that very much?
I don't think it's a matter of I agree with you,
and I want to make sure that I voice that
I agree that. I have no delusions about black men

(26:35):
being ain't shit, men are trash, they all lost, that
they all get. I don't have that. That don't believe that.
That's not been that my experience. I know, wonderful black men, delightful.
I mean, hell, why would we be looking for one?
You know? You know, I don't harbor the belief that
all that black men are worth anything. I don't at all. However,

(26:56):
availability is an issue. Like we talked about skill, I
think it's really just the sheer quantity. It is a
matter of not being enough to meet the demand for
you know what I mean? Every woman to have and
eligible and willing black man.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
Like.

Speaker 3 (27:13):
The ideas are changing the idea of monogamy, long term relationship,
lifelong commitments. It's are starting to become past save a bit.

Speaker 1 (27:25):
This whole idea of monogamy like it has that that
is that is one of the mayor shifts and not
that polyamory and polyamorous love. And you know it is
new because it's not because people have been doing this
for ages. We're gonna track this all the way back
to where Africa. Let's gone back. Okay, so it has

(27:48):
been done and it's still done there, you know. And
Islam men can take multiple wives and it's and it
is not frowned upon. It is it is welcomed, you know.
And in non black culture it is a thing. But
now younger black people are adapting and deciding to live
those lifestyles.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
Now, as for me and my house, I ain't gonna
be able to do. I ain't gonna be.

Speaker 1 (28:21):
Let me explain something to you. That's when I become
an original head bussa.

Speaker 2 (28:26):
It's me and it's you. Now, don't get me wrong.

Speaker 1 (28:29):
Now, I you know, you never know what you will
be open to, Like down the road, and you know,
but in this bedroom, it's gonna be me and it's
gonna be you. In this house, it's gonna be me
and you if you decide. Yeah, in this neighborhood, okay,
but you know, you know, And it's funny, you know.

(28:50):
I feel like there's been a shift in the way
that I see things. I'm not married, I'm not even
in a long term relationship, but I do view like
I start I I have started to look at like
the concept the marriage differently. Like, you know, we are
taught as women or as humans, but I'm talking about
women because I'm a woman. We are taught as women

(29:12):
that you find a husband and you are with him,
and y'all are together, and you stay together and you
don't divorce, and you have kids and it is good,
and you stay together and you grow old together and
by any means necessary, it's just the two of you.

Speaker 2 (29:24):
Yeah, as I get.

Speaker 1 (29:25):
Older, Like I don't really know, Like I'm not even
gonna lie, Like sometimes I wonder like being with the
same man, sleeping with the.

Speaker 2 (29:33):
Same man for forty years. I like it too many.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
Different things only eaten fried chicken, French fries with ketchup
and lemonade every day for forty years.

Speaker 2 (29:49):
I don't want that.

Speaker 3 (29:51):
I don't want to all what I'm And this is.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
A conversation that I've had with myself on a minia day.
What I'm praying is that one day, because I've never
been married, I said, I'm praying that one day I
meet a man, that I meet him and I say,
you know what, I don't even.

Speaker 2 (30:06):
Want to be with nobody else but you for the
rest of my life. Now, God bless me, because I
would like to. I would like for that to happen.
I do. I want. I want that, but I don't
really know.

Speaker 3 (30:17):
I can't even envision, like and I really just try
try and shape in my brain in my imagination. I
try to imagine a man that I'll meet and feel, like,
you know what, every second the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 (30:31):
And I don't want but women. Here's another thing. I
don't even want nobody else.

Speaker 3 (30:37):
Just you.

Speaker 2 (30:38):
That just you is real that.

Speaker 3 (30:42):
I don't know if I'm wired that way. I don't.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
I don't know. I have to be honest, I don't
know so, but but you know, like, what does that
mean for a relationship, Like what would that look like?
And if if the shift is there with us as
as young relatively young black women like I can only
imagine what the shift is like for black men our
age right, because men are not men are not raised

(31:10):
and taught to seek out monogamy or seek out at
all monogamous relationships and to seek out, you know, relationship.
Men are taught from a young age, especially in our culture,
live your life, partner, live your life player, have all
the ladies.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
I hate when I hear you know, I've had this.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Conversation many times when you hear like women say things like, oh,
my son is cute. All the girls in kinnygarten like
my son. My son, or my son a pimp, all
the little girls in his class like him.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
Excuse me, he's a baby.

Speaker 3 (31:50):
What are you talking about? A baby?

Speaker 1 (31:52):
And like for women, it's like, you need to find
a boyfriend. You can't have all these different boyfriends. And
because it looks bad and you look like a but
let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 (32:01):
I coach cheerleader.

Speaker 1 (32:02):
I tell them little girls all the time, don't have
no boyfriend, or if you do have a boyfriend at
all the different schools in the in the cate have
a boyfriend in DC, if you could find one. It's technology.
Find your DC boyfriend, I drive you down there and
go on a date and sit in the back with
you if you want, you know, find you see what
you like?

Speaker 2 (32:21):
Why do women have to be caught up in in
search of a monogamous relationship?

Speaker 1 (32:27):
But men get to quote unquote like King Joffy Joe
Firth told to Prince.

Speaker 2 (32:32):
I can your royal oats. I tell my cheerleaders.

Speaker 1 (32:36):
I tell them you need to sew them otesys and that,
and I tell them that does not mean that you
sleep with them, because everybody should not be privy and there.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
Because everybody should not be.

Speaker 1 (32:46):
Privy to your business. But go out, date a bunch
of guys, have a good time. And whoever says that
you're a slut, you can tell them to call me
and I'll explain to them that that you are not
and why you are not. Why is a woman a
slut if she dates a lot of guys? But like
boys are pimps.

Speaker 2 (33:05):
That little Patnotna got all a little holes in his class,
all little holes up in.

Speaker 3 (33:12):
School like they are four. What are you talking about
there in the.

Speaker 2 (33:18):
Second grade, sir? You know that I don't think that
we should be saying that it's okay, no, oh goodness,
but that and I feel that way. What do you
think do you feel the same way like when it
comes to monogamy, Like, I don't know, it's a little
bit different.

Speaker 3 (33:36):
That's a conversation I was having just the other day,
in fact, talking to one of my brothers about the
whole idea that the fact that culture focuses on and
pushes forth the idea that men are by nature non
monogamous and noncommittal, like they're wired and they're just the
bio biological makeup is to desire, seek out, engage multiple women. Okay,

(34:02):
and I believe it, believe that's true. However, there's been
no investigation into, you know, the biological makeup of women.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
It's not of their concern. It doesn't matter because we're
supposed to exactly lay on our backs, catch these babies,
lay on our back, push out these babies, and get
up on your feet and take care of these babies
and consider that.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
It's mutual. No, I don't believe humans are wired to
be monogamous. We all have capacity to seek out, engage,
enjoy multiple partners and every which way. Maybe maybe for
some sense of time. It is with one person you
are engaged for a duration of time, but sometimes there's
several However you choose to move I believe we all

(34:50):
have capacity to move about that way. But for some reason,
the focus you know what I mean, the law quote
unquote is being shaped around the fact that men are normal,
but ours, our non monogamous capacity desire is never disconsidered.

Speaker 2 (35:08):
Discuss for discussion, it's not a discussion.

Speaker 1 (35:14):
And part of that, like if you want to get
you know, ugly, it's so funny, like I'm on this
whole uh ancestral and like genealogical quest like I'm doing
all this research, I'm taking all these DNA tests, all
they doing all this stuff and so wonderful it is.

Speaker 3 (35:31):
Podcast now, it's a wonderful journey.

Speaker 1 (35:33):
Keep on it is, and I'm gonna do I'm gonna
do a show or two that might be a series too,
but I'm trying to just get all my ducks in
a row before i can like actually talk about it
because it is very heavy. Uh it's it's very heavy
spiritually for me. But I but in a good way,
not in a negative way. But I digress, which is
what we do here at handy mappers. We digress. So

(35:56):
I was talking to my grandmother the other day and
my grandfather, may he rest in peace, who passed away
in January.

Speaker 2 (36:02):
I've spoken about him before.

Speaker 1 (36:03):
He was in the Air Force, and he spent some
time in Japan, okay, And so we always joke not
with my grandmother, of course, because that would be totally disrespectful,
but we always joke about him possibly having some little
Japanese babies running around by me having some cousins and
some aunties and some uncles over there, right. And so
for the first time ever the other day, she knows

(36:25):
that I'm, you know, doing like this work, and she
said to me, well, did you ever uncover anything about
your grandfather having any kids in Japan? And I froze
because it's like h and I said, well, no, I haven't,
you know?

Speaker 2 (36:39):
And if I did, you know? You know, if I do,
you know, I'll let you know. We'll talk about it,
you know.

Speaker 1 (36:44):
But that was the first time that I have not
ever heard of her speak of my grandfather not being monogamous.

Speaker 2 (36:50):
But you know, like we like had a real conversation
about it.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
And I think that it's just so much more acceptable
for men to step out of their marriage and their
relationship than it is for women.

Speaker 2 (37:04):
But let me tell you what I know. Women do it. Listen,
aunties be getting they freak out, and you know, I wonder,

(37:29):
I wonder.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
If it's a because you know, like I am a
big time conversationalist, right, I feel like a way to
maintain a healthy relationship, any relationship, whether it's with your doctor,
your maleman, your grandmother, your friends, your husband, your boyfriend,
your girlfriend, whatever, is that communication is vital, Like healthy
effective communication is vital.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
Do they have conversations about this?

Speaker 1 (37:54):
Like do they sit down and say, look like, I
love you, I want to be with you, but I
need this step. I gotta get some new penis, so
I need to get some new coochie like some got
to give I need to get I need him for
something else?

Speaker 2 (38:05):
Like do they talk about that?

Speaker 1 (38:06):
See?

Speaker 3 (38:07):
I think I think that it probably there's probably more
occurrences of the women confront of the men, just letting
them know, I know you, I know you out here.
Hell you think I'm a fool, you think I'm on
my head like.

Speaker 1 (38:21):
That.

Speaker 3 (38:22):
But I don't think men really have the where like
they're not gonna be okay, like tell him. I just
want you to know, Carolyn, I know, I know you've
been out here, like I know you've been out here
sneaking around with John from up the street, like because
that's that's a you know, especially.

Speaker 2 (38:44):
He's gonna go brust John's head to the white man, right.

Speaker 3 (38:47):
That ain't gonna be no discussion. He gonna be like,
you know, I just I whooped John's ass down the
streets because I know you've been slipping around like knowing
the whole time you've been sleeping with Harry and I put,
I'll be put knowing you got a step in family.
I've been sending the money the whole time. You think
I'm stupid, Like women are more like that, Like, well
that's a real thing, it is, I know, so like

(39:11):
so it's different, and it's it's funny, like there's so
many occurrences of that pepper throughout our history just that
you know, we don't talk about it in the day, like,
but the understanding is there so much. We we know
how we wire. We know people aren't built to just
be with each other forever and ever. Yeah, you know

(39:31):
what I mean. And even sometimes I don't even argue
that stepping out strengthens your bond, and I think that
there's a delicate, sort of nuanced way to go about
discussing it implementing it. There's a certain amount of I
feel there's a certain amount of reference you still have
to maintain, yeah, or hoping, you know what I mean,

(39:53):
for home base or household. Like, I think that's that's
where things start to spiral a lot of controllers, when
you start to feel like your loved one is prefers
you know that the person outside of Yeah, but women,
especially women go ahead.

Speaker 2 (40:12):
I think I think that.

Speaker 1 (40:16):
When it comes to like that shift in that whole,
like you're saying that we're not really wired to only
be with someone. I want people to be clear when
we say that, you know, only be with one person,
it may not only be physical.

Speaker 2 (40:31):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
So it may be a thing where exactly you don't
physically step outside of your marriage, but you have a
friend and emotionally you step out, or spiritually you may
step up because maybe your spouse doesn't understand who you
are from a spiritual level, but you have a friend
or you meet somebody who understands you.

Speaker 2 (40:51):
Does that mean that you don't love your wife or
your husband. Absolutely not, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 (40:56):
But that means that maybe they just don't show up
in that way because I don't believe that anybody can
be everything to anybody, nor should that that's too much
of a burden, that's too much of a heavy weight
to carry. But I do believe that in some instances,
especially now, especially from a physical sense, because when you

(41:17):
are physically intimate with someone outside of your relationship, that
can pose a problem because you can bring stuff home
that you know can can make us sick. You can
you can, as my grandmother says, did you know that
so and so's husband got a baby on her? Like
you could get a baby on me, And then that's
a problem because now you got to take care of
another baby, and that's dipping in the family's uh dividend.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
I have a problem. There's a problem. That's a problem
for me.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
But I wonder, like, do you feel like people should
talk to their spouse or their loved one if they
are in an emotional situation outside of their marriage.

Speaker 2 (41:50):
Is that like is that a thing?

Speaker 1 (41:52):
Like should they go to their wife or their husband
and say, look, I really love Bianca and you know
it's not going to get physical, but like I love
her and I love to talk.

Speaker 2 (42:01):
To her, and I hope it's okay. I think this
is dumb to do that personally, I don't think you
need to do that.

Speaker 3 (42:07):
So I think that things like this, this very scenario
are a part of the shift we're talking about in
sort of awareness and ideals and value systems and all
the new monogamy, you know what I mean. Because I
don't think it's that people are departing from it altogether.
I think that it's starting to mutate into something that
it better suits sort of the time and space where

(42:28):
and we're in social media culture. You have constant access
to people from every edge of the earth. You do
you expect anybody not to end up emotionally even if
it's not their intention to become emotionally invested in another person.
Like now, you have access to you know, people who
are like you, you know what I mean, like it
and waste it. May be a partner and you love
them to death, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (42:48):
They don't get you on that level, or they don't
they don't bring that out of you. And here's the
thing about that, Like, I think that I love that
you called it the new monogamy because because it is.
And here's the proof that people are not shying away
from monogamy, because if you look at the wedding industry,
whole industry, it's booming them dresses, them venues, the bride'smaid's dress, flowers,

(43:16):
food cakes, like that industry is constantly booming. Even being
in this pandemic or mixt excuse me, being in this pandemic,
it's still thriving.

Speaker 3 (43:26):
People.

Speaker 2 (43:27):
People ain't running from monogamy.

Speaker 3 (43:28):
People likes to get married. Marrying at a protest, like
people like people get married.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
Let me just let me just give me five seconds.
Let me be clear. I did not like that at all,
Like sit down. My cousin just says, sit your ass down.

Speaker 3 (43:44):
I'm like, cousin, that's it sad much.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
I digress, which is like I said, what we do here?

Speaker 1 (43:54):
But I think that I like how that sounds the
new monogamy because when the time comes for me to
get married, like I have male friends that are very important.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
To me, I'm not gonna want to give that up,
you know.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
And that doesn't mean that the relationship that I have
with them is going to be a problem in my marriage.
But I feel like my husband should understand, like this
is my friend and he understands me on the level
in a way that nobody else understands me, and it
should not get in the way. But on the flip side,
me scorpidity. Yeah, my moon is in scorpio, I said,

(44:29):
my moon is in scorpidity.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
I don't even know.

Speaker 3 (44:34):
I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 2 (44:36):
My moon is in scorpio.

Speaker 1 (44:38):
If my man told me that he had a friend
who understands him in a way that I don't serious,
I have a.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
Problem with it right now.

Speaker 2 (44:46):
No, I know, I know, but he should understand that
if I have a man who is nothing. But however, however, yeah,
I know it's bad. God is still working on me.
That's why I go to therapy. Okay, so I don't know.

Speaker 3 (45:00):
But that's the conversation we're having exactly right now. Though.
It's trying to fit in, trying to figure out realistically
how do we fit into the new monogamy because there
are benefits to it. So when you get to enjoy
the benefits, yeah, we can talk about, you know, coloring
this a little differently, making it look a little different.
But am I equipped to do? I have the stomach
for reciprocating, you know, open myself and offering my partner

(45:26):
the freedoms I intend, very much intend to enjoy even
if I'm married.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
And one of the questions when I thought about this,
and when I thought about this conversation, is you know,
this whole new dating shift in this culture of dating
and love in the Black community, Like.

Speaker 2 (45:45):
Who do I have to become to fit into this
new box? Personally? I don't like fitting in the no boxes.
I'm a big lady. I don't really fit in the
box now what I do.

Speaker 1 (45:54):
But in addition to that, like my freedom is compromised
when I'm asked to fit into a box. I have
a problem with my freedom being compromised.

Speaker 3 (46:03):
Everything sort of marketed now as it's freedom, you know
what I mean, It's it's it's freedom and fluidity and
everyone have, you know, being being able to come and
go and do and feel as.

Speaker 1 (46:16):
Please, that concept of so in the Loss recordings, friends
and we talked about fluidity and and and and and
love and dating from a from the concept of meanness
and selfness and eyness and basically from from dating from
your ego versus dating from your heart.

Speaker 3 (46:37):
Boom that's that's good.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
See, let me tell you something.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
It's good.

Speaker 2 (46:40):
We had them lost recordings.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
But guess what we're ready now dating from your ego self,
Dating from your ego self, because that's really what it is,
because you're dating, like we talked about brothers, knowing that
like brothers is the hot day, the hot ship.

Speaker 2 (46:54):
We want them.

Speaker 1 (46:55):
We are seeking them out and like I said, don't
let them look good halfway, don't let him smell halfway, don't.

Speaker 2 (47:03):
Let them be and listen, I'm a sucker for I
almost said that word.

Speaker 1 (47:07):
I'm a sucker for a man that take care of
his kid because don't have no whole bunch of kids, please,
because I don't have time for that. A man who
got a kid and he take care of that kid
and he is a good daddy.

Speaker 2 (47:19):
Jesus, jesus. It makes me hot. Why because even though
I don't really want no children.

Speaker 1 (47:25):
If and so I decide that I'm gonna pop a
little chocolate baby out for you, I know that you're
gonna be.

Speaker 2 (47:32):
A good daddy.

Speaker 3 (47:32):
I like that.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
Yes, it is because you know why sexy though, because
it's a commitment.

Speaker 1 (47:38):
Come on, wait a minute, what we want to see
as black women, as black men committing to blackness, to
black babies that we make black.

Speaker 2 (47:49):
Babies that they may we want to see. We want
to see black men committing two things that look like them.
Wait a minute, man, we want to see them committing
to things that look like them.

Speaker 1 (48:02):
So if it's the black baby, if it's the black
baby mama, if it's me, like whatever it is, we want.

Speaker 2 (48:08):
To see that that turns us on.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
Look at him being a good dad. Look at him
coaching football with these little black kids. Look at him
preaching Sunday school.

Speaker 2 (48:18):
What come on?

Speaker 1 (48:20):
Now?

Speaker 2 (48:21):
We want that because we want to be.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Loved by black men so bad. We don't understand, Like,
why don't y'all just love us in the same way
that we love you. And that's not to say that
all of them don't. Let's do this disclaiming so that
nobody's whining and seeing.

Speaker 3 (48:37):
A man all men.

Speaker 1 (48:39):
Clearly we're not talking about all black men. Clearly we
are not in no way, shape or form here.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
How do you know all men? I'm not talking about
all men.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
But even on that, like I'm not this is not
I don't even come from a place of male bashing,
especially black male bashing because I love black men. They
are beautiful, they are they are royal, They smell good,
the lips is good, like everything about them. I ain't
want to say they taste good because it's nasty, but
you know what I'm saying, they skin.

Speaker 2 (49:11):
Taste good when you lick on her heads. My cousin
looks up, she was like, what you talking about? You
know what I'm talking about. You got kids, I know
you know what I'm talking about. But I'm just saying, like,
you know, like, I love black men. But if we're
gonna have here's the tea. Okay, So we we.

Speaker 1 (49:30):
I work at a school and we started PD and
we were having a conversation about implicit bias, right, And
the comment that I had in the conversation is that
we have to get very comfortable with having very uncomfortable conversations.
If we want to try to even create a ripple
in the water is a change, It's the same thing
in our community. If we are going to make ripples

(49:51):
which lead to waves and the waters are change in
our community.

Speaker 2 (49:54):
We got to say shit that people don't want to hear.
Somebody gotta throw us downe. The truth of the matter
is that we love you. We just want y'all to
love us the same way, and clearly some of you do.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
But I wouldn't say this if I felt like we
all felt like y'all love us the way that we
love y'all. And I'm gonna speak for black women and
I'm gonna say we don't feel that way exactly.

Speaker 3 (50:18):
Something is And even if they do believe in their
heart of hearts, which I don't believe they do like
that not all men things thrown in it to deflect
from whatever conversations we had at the time. That's neither though.
But maybe you do believe that you are, in earnest
providing the best love to put off for the black women.
Even if that's true, if it's not translating, if we're

(50:38):
telling you that it's not translating on our end, If
your true intention is to love us, then you need
to revise the way you love us. You don't get
to decide how the person you love needs to be loved, you.

Speaker 2 (50:49):
Know what I mean. You don't get.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
You don't get to God, you don't get to negate
my feelings. Basically, you don't get the gaslight me. If
I'm saying that when you did X, X made me
feel why and now we are here at Z. You
don't get to say that when you did X, it
shouldn't have made me feel like why. It should have
made me feel like w And now we are hey.
You don't get to do that.

Speaker 3 (51:14):
You don't.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
You do not Because what I am feeling is this.

Speaker 1 (51:20):
And so if collectively we are saying and it is happening,
and like I said, there will be a conversation about
this down the road. If we are feeling that we
are not protected, we are not honored, we are not cherished,
we are not loved. Collectively as a unit, black women
are feeling that way when it comes to you, brothers
like y'all got to kind of check yourself before you

(51:41):
wreck yourself. And if we are going to address the issue,
then we have to start from great Granddaddy all the
way down to Tayte in kindergarten when it comes to protecting, honoring, cherishing,
and loving Black women holistically. And in order to do that,
we got to go to the root of the situation.
Because when it comes to creating a healing love energy

(52:03):
in our community, we got to go to the root
of the problem. And at the root of the problem.
There's a breakdown of the black fams. And sure we
can go back by five hundred years, okay, five hundred,
And I ain't saying five hundred, five hundreds.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
That spelled f I g H five hundred is h
U n n it.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
We're gonna go back about five hundred years, okay, to
when all of these things began, and the uprooting of
people on the continent of Africa and bringing them here
for capitalists gain or capital gain, and splitting families up.
The destruction of the black family is at the nucleus

(52:49):
of the breakdown of relationships between black men and black
women period.

Speaker 2 (52:56):
Period. Po why do we both do that at the
same time? Somebody called that.

Speaker 1 (53:02):
A comedian called that snatching in your dreams. Black one
will snatch your dreams out the air. We did it
at the same time. And that's on period.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
Like at the end of the day. And as they say,
fight me, who gonna who want? Who won't check me?

Speaker 1 (53:15):
Who won't check you do?

Speaker 2 (53:17):
It's nothing you can say.

Speaker 1 (53:18):
The breakdown of communication, of love, of understanding ooh, the
breakdown of understanding one another comes from the demise, the
destruction and the breakdown of our family.

Speaker 3 (53:32):
Offer the reluctance to engage. The fear of investing, you know, right,
comes from the fear of having it snatched away from you.
You know what I mean, If I don't invest in it,
it won't hurt as much when it's ripped from my grasp.
In our genetic memory, a certain amount of fear, fear
of investing, and really feeling for, you know, engaging in

(53:54):
love for our family, for the people nearest. That's because
at any moment, you know, wake up and they be
ripped away.

Speaker 2 (54:03):
And guess what, we still have to deal with it today.
All you got to do is turn on the TV.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
Because the police could shoot the man that you love,
the man that you gave birth to, the man that
you taught how to play basketball, whatever that looks like,
the man that helped you bring a life into this world,
could shoot him in his back seven or eight times,
like it's still happening. At any given time. Our men
can be snatched away from us still, or at any.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
Given time we can be snatched away from them because
we ain't exempt they killing us too. Justice for Breonna Taylor.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
They still ain't locked them bastards up that shot that
girl in her sleep, in her bed, in her house.

Speaker 2 (54:44):
So I mean like that, we're still.

Speaker 1 (54:46):
Being hunted for different purposes now, but we're still being
hunted and at any You know, this was not on
the lost recording because we didn't even get here, but
I get that, and you know, that's something that I
have thought about as well beyond and that is painful
and that makes me sad.

Speaker 2 (55:03):
It makes me really sad.

Speaker 3 (55:05):
Something you did mention in the Lost Recorders is talking
about we were sort of dealing with the well why
you said, well, why is it? The fear of the vulnerability?
Like why are they so scared? And that speaks to
that for me. I'm very very much one of the
belief that your soul remembers, your your DNA remembers even
if you don't have it in your conscious awareness, you
don't have access to it, like the memory is there,

(55:26):
you know what I mean. So a lot of our
men do function from a place of just fear of investment,
you know, in general, and howso fear of not being
able to live up to you know what I mean,
the expectations of heaving home.

Speaker 1 (55:37):
I talk about this all the time. They were snatched
away and women had to band together. And you can
even see that now, Like you said, it's in your DNA,
it's in our DNA and our structural DNA. Those things
live on that whole like strong black independent woman that
didn't just that wasn't just born out of us getting jobs.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
That came from us not having a choice. Yes, he
didn't have a choice.

Speaker 1 (56:02):
Now we have options, right, but there was a time
where we didn't have a choice. We had to be
strong black independent women because there was no man around.
Because somebody slave owner, some slave, I don't want to
call him a master, some owner of human capital decided
they were going to take our fathers and our brothers

(56:23):
and our uncles and our sons away, and we as
women had to band together and say, look, sis, we're
gonna have to get this shit together.

Speaker 2 (56:30):
We were CMB. We all we got.

Speaker 1 (56:32):
You don't know what movie that's from, you know, get
your life, but we all we got, so we're gonna
figure this out.

Speaker 2 (56:38):
That is the birth of the strong Black women. Don't
be mad at us because we are.

Speaker 3 (56:42):
Such Absolutely we're talking about these are the things that
are being called to the mat in this current shift.
Is the ideals such as that the strong black woman,
the absent black men and people. We really are getting
to a place now where we're realizing that the context
has changed completely and we're still function like you know
what I mean, Like we realizing that, like why are

(57:03):
we acting like it?

Speaker 2 (57:06):
Come on, come on, get your tabourine. We need tambourine.
We need tambourines.

Speaker 1 (57:13):
Yeah, I was getting ready say why we need tambourines.
Because see, Beyonca grew up she was a tour baby.
Her mother was was a gospel singer, and I grew
up in the Holy Church. In high school. In high school,
I was in a colder church. And as a small child,
my godmother took me to a church child. The name
of the church was Revival Mission in the Holy Ghost.

Speaker 2 (57:31):
Station Baptist Church. Okay, let me exca you something to you.
Let me tell you what we did that.

Speaker 1 (57:40):
Revival Mission and the Holy Ghost Station Baptist Church. Okay,
made my godmother resident power, Sadie Bradley.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
Okay, Sadie made Bradley. We would be at church all
day and all night. They let me tell you what
kind of church that was.

Speaker 1 (57:57):
That was the kind of church where they played warushboards
with bent up hangers I know about going to church, Okay,
I know about getting pinched on the backside of your arm.

Speaker 2 (58:09):
Because you can't keep still. But you've been there for
six hours, so you're gonna pinch I've been there. I'm six.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
Like old.

Speaker 1 (58:20):
More than likely I had attention deficit hyperactive disorder.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
Okay, and you're gonna.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
Pinch me because we've been here for six hours. Let
me explain something to you. So that's why we need tambourines.

Speaker 2 (58:45):
I digress.

Speaker 1 (58:46):
That's why we need these tambourines. That's what we were saying.
We operating from a place of slavery, mental slavery. Wait
a minute, stop emotional slavery.

Speaker 3 (58:58):
Waittea that.

Speaker 2 (59:02):
Emotional slavery. We are bound.

Speaker 1 (59:06):
We are bound and at no fault of our own.
Because the truth of the matter is, how do we
correct this. I'm gonna tell you how we correct it.
We got to go straight to the wound. You got
to go straight to the hall. Like there's a nucleus.
The wound is a thing at the nucleus, at the
very center of this wound.

Speaker 2 (59:23):
That is where we need to go. And it is
an ugly place.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
It stinks, it's an open, nasty funky, nasty abscess of
a wound. But we gotta go there if we're gonna
heal it. And the unfortunate part is that people don't
want to go there.

Speaker 3 (59:37):
I don't think we know how, you know, like looking
at couple's therapy for example, No, just literally just people therapy,
like people two people who have been in something and
their relationship has taken a turn for whatever reason, and
then they end up in couple's therapy, no matter how
much they know the truth to be true about how
much they contributed to the downfall of this matter, like
what what areas they fell short? It could have done wrong.

(59:57):
It's something about staying that shit out loud in real time,
letting it out into the air. It's something. It's a
vulnerable place admitting fault, admitting and inadequacy of any sort,
admitting your blind spots. And I think it's even more
difficult to admit when when when you were acting with

(01:00:18):
best intentions, when you believed it were doing good. You
know what I mean? You know to say, I think
that's where we come to a screeching hall. Every time
black men and black women make the attempt to try to,
you know, hash this thing out when we start getting
into having to really really pick apart the points that
make up the timeline of us, you know what I mean,
and the ways we've been sort of derailed and thrown

(01:00:39):
off and pulled the bat like. It's it's difficult to
pull like name each one of those things. Take owners like,
take ownership for them without feeling humiliated and far in
front of one another. The person, the person. I value you,
black man, it's your opinion I value most about anything
while we exist here on this planet. Either y'all hold
you in the high God. It's difficult for me to

(01:01:02):
sit still and here. You tell me you don't feel
like I was there for you didn't feel safe with me.
You didn't feel like you could tell me your stuff.
I didn't feel like you.

Speaker 1 (01:01:12):
Women.

Speaker 2 (01:01:13):
Go ahead, no, no, no, go ahead, say that.

Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
I don't want you to lose your train of thought.

Speaker 2 (01:01:18):
What you got to say? That's how.

Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
That's how you know somebody loves you for who you
are because she knows that I will lose this.

Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
Damn train of thought. I will. But I was gonna
say and and vice versa, for.

Speaker 1 (01:01:32):
I could only imagine the burden that black men carry,
knowing that there's a stigma around their entire existence, that
they are not good fathers, that they are not good men,
that they are not they don't show up for the
their their women, that they are, they don't protect us.
I can't imagine how it makes them feel, especially the

(01:01:53):
men who do show up for us, the men who
who who are willing to stand in the gap for
black women. It has to hurt them in like a
dark place to hear those things being said. Even though
it's uncomfortable to be vulnerable with one another, and in
those spaces like therapy or even in bed at night,

(01:02:15):
or at the dinner table, or in the car or wherever,
it's hard to be vulnerable in those spaces. But when
we are not vulnerable in those spaces with the people
that we say we love the most and the people
that we say we cherish the most, then are we
operating from a place of emotional ego? Because I have
to take my ego and set it to the side
if I want to try to make this work with you,

(01:02:36):
Because I can't operate from a place that goes back
to that place of meanness and that place of selfness
and that place of eydness. I have to move beyond that,
because if I don't, we won't get to the root,
and at the root is the first point of healing.

Speaker 3 (01:02:51):
I agree. But in order to be able to set
aside the ego, in order to engage in those conversations,
there has to be sort of the element of culture safety.
You have to have seen examples from one another, you know,
you have to feel safe, and I feel like I
had to not feel like I know. I had that
conversation recently with somebody that I used to deal with,

(01:03:11):
you know, for many years, like where he we're lon
not messed with each other at this point, but we're good,
good friends, And to have him tell me, you know,
I never felt like I could come to you and
talking about X y Z because I don't feel for
as much as you think that you're a safe space
and you think you created an atmosphere of but I
always felt like I would disappoint you. I felt like

(01:03:33):
you'd be upset with me. I felt I never felt.

Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
Like I could bring you my heart, and that's gotta
hurt you, right exactly. And I was just like like, well.

Speaker 3 (01:03:42):
Damn, because you could not tell me I'm not space right,
what you talking about? Exactly, And in that moment, I'm
extremely defensive everything in me. Rory that because you now
you're challenging what I what I believe is my identity.

(01:04:03):
You know what I mean that the picture I've painted
of myself? You know what I mean that I am
this wait.

Speaker 2 (01:04:07):
Warm and say, I mean the picture that has one
of your I.

Speaker 3 (01:04:12):
Have painted myself.

Speaker 2 (01:04:13):
Okay, that's but that.

Speaker 1 (01:04:15):
That is operating from that space of emotional ego, because
in my mind, this is what I have created. This
is the mask that I wear for the world and
on in this mask I Bianca am loving and warm,
and I create a space, a safe space of openness
for people to be free to be themselves.

Speaker 2 (01:04:34):
But this man is saying, I know you didn't sist.
I didn't feel it telling you, but let you finish.

Speaker 3 (01:04:42):
But that's not you know what I got for you?
You know and what you know? And in that moment,
I had a decision to make, you know, either defend myself,
defend my identity so that I could be comfortable you know, yes,
because I did. How can how you gonna tell me?
Or because we're doing this work now, we're talking about
shifting into something that we're not operating from a space.

Speaker 2 (01:05:04):
Of you know what I mean emotional ideas like.

Speaker 3 (01:05:07):
If we're wanting to make this, make it together and
resolve things, not so that him and I can move
forward together because we've longed part of ways. But it's
my duty to help him recover, you know, from moments
where I have made him disempowered, you know, disempowered him,
made him feel it's my job to if I can
now fixed or help him move toward being able to

(01:05:28):
heal a wound so that now he can move forward
and be good to one of our assistants so that
he's not And I say this one of my cuanator
other day, that people have the habit of not not
resolving things in their situations and moving forward and then
trying to retroactively recover power from them for themselves from past.

Speaker 2 (01:05:46):
Herds say that one more time in the.

Speaker 3 (01:05:49):
Back retroactively address moments and occurrences in the past where
they felt disempowered and they're in other relationships. Rather than
dealing with the person the incident that cast that wound,
they just try to move forward. And what they do
is create a you know where they're over vigilant, over

(01:06:10):
protective of themselves overreacting to everything, and now they've become
the very person.

Speaker 2 (01:06:15):
That they were talking that they were and that they
ran away from.

Speaker 1 (01:06:18):
Right. We all know what happens when you suppress things.
So when you suppress things, you know there's pressure, you
put pressure on it, you push it down, you put
pressure on it, you push it down, push it down,
push it down, and then eventually it's gonna blow up.
It's gonna blow up, and who knows what's gonna happen
when it.

Speaker 2 (01:06:40):
Blows up.

Speaker 1 (01:06:40):
I do want to make sure that something that we
touched on. We went a little bit to church on
the Loss recordings. We were talking about when men say
when they get to that place. We were talking about
commitment and when they say that they are not ready
to commit it. And Bianca said something that was so

(01:07:02):
powerful and amazing, and I'm gonna have her say it again.
Tell me about the lasagna.

Speaker 3 (01:07:06):
Yeah. See, I can't take credit for that, but hit me.

Speaker 1 (01:07:12):
You see, you know, this is why the Internet is good,
because you see things and you think to yourself, whoever
said this is a genius, And I personally would like
to thank them from the bottom of my heart because
it struck a nerve in. Me's gonna tell you what
this thing said.

Speaker 3 (01:07:28):
Okay, many of you, I'm sure have seen it and
said when the man says he's not ready to be
in a relationship that with you, it's silent like the
GM Lasania.

Speaker 2 (01:07:39):
This sister do un said, come on now that I'm
not ready whatever it is.

Speaker 1 (01:07:43):
I'm not ready to have a child. I'm not ready
to get married. I'm not ready to move in with you.
I'm not ready to take a bath with you. I'm
not ready to be engaged to you. I'm not ready
to go out in the daytime with you because you're.

Speaker 3 (01:07:58):
I'm not ready to call it's a relationship, even though
we spend twenty four hours days and seven days a
week together and I live in your house and I
faith fields here. My name is on Steven, your name
is on my step. Well, we got to call this something, Oh, I'm.

Speaker 1 (01:08:15):
Because the truth is and the reason that we got
to this conversation and the loss recordings is because we
were talking about how we will be in a situationship, right,
because that's what the people are called. And entanglement, dare
I say, get entangled? Come on in the upper room,
Come on in the upper room and get entangled. For God,

(01:08:36):
do you understand me? So you cut yourself in a situation, right,
and so you in the situation. And I can only speak,
and can only speak from a black woman's perspective because
that's who we are. But I know I have been
in a situation where I wanted a black man to
love me so bad. God have mercy that I was
willing to jeopardize and sacrifice and put everything on the
line in hopes that maybe there was a time and

(01:09:00):
say something this just happened. I'm willing to put everything
on the line because I want this man to love
me so bad. I want him to love me that
I'm just gonna excuse all of the things that are
important to me because I want him to love me.
I'm gonna provide a space of relationship for him. He
ain't really doing it for me, but I'm gonna provide
a space of relationship with him. So I'm gonna treat

(01:09:21):
him like he my man, because if I treat him
like he my man, he might feel like he my man,
and then we might be together because he might say,
oh my.

Speaker 2 (01:09:28):
He gonna be like, oh my God, I want to
be with her because she treats me so good. No, Sis,
that ain't how it worked. So you in a situation
where you are creating a space for a man, where
you are treating him like he is your boyfriend, like
he is your husband, like he is your long term whatever.
But he ain't really doing that for you.

Speaker 1 (01:09:45):
And he's telling you, and he has told you, come
on beyond because we can really catch the Holy ghost
because we don't have this conversation. We both have been
in situations where we kind of like have put a
whole lot on the line.

Speaker 2 (01:09:57):
But you know, brothers told us like we you ain't ready.

Speaker 3 (01:10:01):
You really want me there? You know I'm down here,
but I ain't here.

Speaker 2 (01:10:05):
Yeah, they want that, Like we don't really want that.
And see, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 (01:10:11):
So many times, and maybe this happens with men too,
But you sacrifice so much yourself, or you sacrifice things,
or you know, you overlook things them bread, flags and
flags for a reason. You do all those things in
hopes of you dating the potential you are dating. Who
you want this person to be, or who you have dreams,
aspirations and the imagination that this person could one day

(01:10:33):
be if they flush out or if everything works out.
But the truth of the matter is most of the
time they don't flush out, and once they do flesh out,
they don't want to be with you.

Speaker 3 (01:10:44):
I find that a lot of them don't value nothing
they can have come up. Their sense herself is so
fucked up. It's just like if she wants me, and
I only even think it's something they have awareness, it's
very much a devaluing of you because they can have you.
You know what I mean? Why she I don't trust
the person that would want me the way I am,
the way I'm showing up in this moment and she

(01:11:05):
wants me to wrong with her? All come on, and.

Speaker 1 (01:11:09):
That's gonna We're gonna keep that because that that right?
That was a word a word on high Okay, Like
if we I said, this is the last show. If
we are socially conditioned to not honor, value, and cherish ourselves,
why would I honor, value, and cherish you and to
add some paper rica on top of that, Yeah, some

(01:11:34):
paper on top of that if in turn you do value, cherish,
honor and love me, I can't value honor and cherish
and love you because I don't value and honor and
cherish me, So why I don't trust you.

Speaker 3 (01:11:51):
I don't trust you me showing up I know behind
that message. I know how I'm showing up here and
you and you groveling for me.

Speaker 2 (01:12:00):
And you want this. Yeah, what kind of fool is you?

Speaker 1 (01:12:05):
But that's because black women are the queens of seeing
through a black man's trouble. Like we will see some
goodness in him, and we will come home appreciate to yourself.
We will see the goodness in him, and we will
say to ourselves, you know what, he ain't right right now.
But once I just put all this love on him.
And I don't even mean physically hold on hot butts.

(01:12:29):
I'm saying, once I love him and nurture him and
nurse him back to health or to health, he gonna
be okay, and then he gonna want me, and I'm
gonna want him, and we gonna skip off into the
African Saharan sunset. Nope, sense, because now that you done
done nurture them and nurse them, he don't want your
dust ass.

Speaker 3 (01:12:48):
Now you don't want it. And that's for a number
of reasons in my experience, in my theory. Number one
that resent you for doing it. No man, like like

(01:13:10):
we talked about in that dynamic, yeah, where no one
wants to be there naked, inadequate week before the person
that they they want you, they want to be held
in the highest esteem with you. Now, did you've seen
him in all of his mess and his scat At
this point, I resent you for you.

Speaker 1 (01:13:29):
Know, for.

Speaker 3 (01:13:31):
Come on, not me, because toddling illustrates a certain amount
of you don't trust me, you don't believe, you don't
believe I can get myself up on my own two feet.
There's a certain amount of let me do it for you,
Let me do it for you, don't man one, you
know what I mean? Give me toddled and nurtured. Well,
we think, we think we're doing this wonderful thing, and

(01:13:52):
he's you're.

Speaker 2 (01:13:53):
Doing a good thing. We think you are doing a
good thing.

Speaker 1 (01:13:56):
We think we are doing the things that our mothers
and our mother's mother's and our mother's mother's mother his
mothers told us that we are supposed to do, when in.

Speaker 2 (01:14:02):
Reality, that black man don't want that. He want to
pull his own self up.

Speaker 3 (01:14:06):
And he wants you to get him to do it.

Speaker 1 (01:14:08):
That's what listen, that's let a word right there, s
p A C E space, but let him tell you something.
Even when you do that, sometimes though, they still don't
want your dusty althose.

Speaker 2 (01:14:23):
I'm not ready, it was. I'm not ready to commit
in that way to you.

Speaker 3 (01:14:30):
I'm not ready. I'm not willing.

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
Ooh, and men, you too. I'm sure some of y'all
do it.

Speaker 1 (01:14:35):
Y'all be taking care of these ladies, with all these kids,
y'all be being with them and all these things and
paying all their bills.

Speaker 2 (01:14:41):
And doing all of these things. And she out here
treating you like a piece of old, chewed up bubble gum. Stop.
I'm gonna tell y'all to stop to it ain't right.

Speaker 3 (01:14:51):
I agree, excuse. We want to make sure that we're
having a balanced conversation, like you said, were not about
mail bashing. We not want to see us all I'll
be having with more another one honesty, leading with more honesty,
and having more integrity and the way the ways we
engage each other because we tend to hit your bets
and operating a way of just making sure that I'm safe, uncomfortable.

(01:15:13):
Mine needs are met for how whatever long I need
them to be until I moved toward what I actually
want what until I.

Speaker 1 (01:15:19):
Decide on what I actually wanted, once again operating from
a place of emotional ego. So, guys, I want to
thank Bianca for sharing her time with me, for giving me,
uh two rounds. Okay, two rounds. That's an inside joke,
not one, but two rounds.

Speaker 2 (01:15:37):
Okay. We did that, yeah, because the first time it
ain't quite it wasn't for show.

Speaker 1 (01:15:45):
Okay, we were just talking. But this time, for you guys,
we did it again. I hope you guys enjoyed the conversation.
I hope you guys got something out of the conversation.
And I did this thing last week where I posted
oppose the question and on my Instagram, and you know,
the title or the lead on the on the post

(01:16:06):
was let me ask y'all something. So I'm gonna do
that again and it will be in relation to the
conversation that we had, and I will ask you guys
a question and I want us to talk about it,
and so I want you guys to look look for that.
I want to thank Bianca, like I said, for joining
us today. It was a beautiful conversation. It was a
great follow up from part one of this conversation about

(01:16:29):
the culture of dating in the black community and about
love and about how that looks. You know, I really
appreciate her. I appreciate her for being vulnerable. I appreciate
her for her time because she did not have to
do this we're trying.

Speaker 3 (01:16:46):
It was my privilege.

Speaker 1 (01:16:48):
It was actually fun for me. I enjoyed it, So
I appreciate it. And it was a different kind of perspective,
you know. And and here with my podcast, I'm trying
to normalize conversations that people are very uncomfortable with having,
or they have in private, you know, just so that
people know that it's okay to have ugly conversations, because

(01:17:08):
that's the only way to heal.

Speaker 3 (01:17:10):
It's only wrong in public. Also, I think that that's
another thing that we need to offer each other space for.
We live in a cancel culture. My God lovingly correct
one another, lovingly USh or one another to you know,
right thinking if we feel like they're wrong. So people
shouldn't be shamed out of expressing how they feel what
they believe in real time. So I do appreciate you

(01:17:31):
creating spaces for like you said, that more uncomfortable, unsavory,
difficult conversations.

Speaker 2 (01:17:38):
Because it's okay to talk about it.

Speaker 1 (01:17:40):
Like I think for so long our elders have told
us it's not okay to talk about certain things. It
is okay to talk about those things because that is
the only way that we are going to get better.
And my thing is all about I want to heal
my community. However that looks, that is really the legacy
that I want to leave. I want you to heal

(01:18:01):
my community. I'm figuring it out as I go along.
So if this medium is a is a force and
a means for me to do that, so be it.
And I don't mind starting having ugly conversations and saying
things that people may not want to hear, especially from
a black woman.

Speaker 2 (01:18:19):
So I love you, sis, I appreciate you.

Speaker 3 (01:18:21):
I love you. This is wonderful.

Speaker 2 (01:18:24):
Hopefully we will find you guys today by the end of.

Speaker 3 (01:18:28):
The yearn Darnella came in. We're gonna double.

Speaker 2 (01:18:32):
Oh, we will go on to double day. Will you
go to the Lord of the Rings convention with me?

Speaker 3 (01:18:37):
Let's do it?

Speaker 2 (01:18:38):
Okay, okay, all right, you guys, say bye to say
bye to my friends and.

Speaker 3 (01:18:44):
My cane people and.

Speaker 1 (01:18:47):
My cousin who I'm here and I'm in her bedroom recording.
She put her girl up and wave, she said, she
said bye. So let's go ahead and just get into

(01:19:11):
this because this question today for straightfas people is off
the richter. Okay, let's just go ahead and get into it.
So Kelly from Philadelphia says, I have been with my
man for three years. We have a healthy relationship, lots
of open communication, and we thoroughly enjoy each other's company.

(01:19:32):
We've maybe argued twice lately, though, I have found myself
attracted to women.

Speaker 2 (01:19:38):
Child.

Speaker 1 (01:19:40):
It started when this woman at my gym started hitting
on me. I made it clear I have a whole
man at home, like a whole man, not a half
of man. So just got a whole man. Do you
understand me? He in three fourths of a man. He
is an entire whole man.

Speaker 2 (01:19:54):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:19:56):
And she backed off, But we became friends and workout partners.
One day we went for smoothies after a workout. We
talked for hours and ended up making out in my car. John, Kelly,
you are off the chains.

Speaker 2 (01:20:11):
Now.

Speaker 1 (01:20:11):
I find myself fantasizing about her all the time. I've
been avoiding her because again, I have a whole man
that I adore However, I do want to take it
a little further with homegirl.

Speaker 2 (01:20:24):
Should I.

Speaker 1 (01:20:26):
Tell my man that I'm attracted to women? Kiss the
girl liked it and would like to see what it do,
or act like none of this shit happened. Listen, Kelly,
I come from two places or two perspectives with this one.

Speaker 2 (01:20:42):
If you know for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:20:46):
This is not going to go anywhere and you can
stop right here, it can be a hard stop, like
all right, I gotta leave this alone because this is
troublesome and I love you said yourself, you got a
whole man at home, and if you listen to this show, Kelly,
you'll understand the struggles of being single, okay, and also

(01:21:08):
friends again. It sounds like Kelly is about to enter
into that new monogamy, enter into that space of emotional ego,
you know where that sense of selfness and meanness. But
if you know you can stop this and like, never
do this ever again, then I would say take it
to the grave, just bury it, take it to the grave,

(01:21:28):
don't do it no more ever ever. And if you
see Sis again, let her know, like you know, it
was fun, you know, you know I kind of got
feelings for you, but I got a man at home
and I love him, I adore him, and I don't
want to do him dirty. However, if you know you
don't have a lot of self control, okay, I would
go ahead and say you need to tell you man,

(01:21:48):
because the way you look at it is if he
was going to the gym and he started working out
with somebody, and it could be a man or a woman.
But because you're here's the same sex. Let's make his
same sex. Let's let's make it hot. Let's put the
dope on the table.

Speaker 2 (01:22:04):
Says.

Speaker 1 (01:22:05):
Let's say you dude was going to the gym and
he was working out, and he started working out with
this guy, and he started to have these feelings for
this guy that he had never felt for a man before.
And they made out in the car and he started
having feelings for him, and he decided, you know, I'm
gonna see what this do. I'm gonna see what to do.
In your words, Kelly, what would you want to happen?

(01:22:26):
Of course, you wouldn't want him to do it in
the first place, But would you want him to tell
you if he planned on continuing this or he really
wanted to pursue it, or see where it went, or
would you not want him to tell you if he
was going to be able to like make a hard stop.

Speaker 2 (01:22:42):
Were not doing this no more? Ever, again, I got
a whole woman at home. I don't want to do this.
So in this situation, I can't really tell you what
to do. I can tell you what I would do.

Speaker 1 (01:22:53):
I would do the hard stop like I wouldn't like
whether it was a man or a woman, or whoever
it was. If I did something where I stepped outside
of my relationship, I would have to pump them brakes.
And I'm not pumping the brakes. I'm hitting the brakes.
I'm not sliding on the dime. I'm gonna stop on
a nickel. I gotta stop because my relationship hopefully would

(01:23:15):
be more would mean excuse me, more to me than
you know, a little bit of fun. If I know
that I don't have that willpower, that that controller. If
this person just does something to me and just makes
me feel hot all over my skin, then I'm gonna
have to tell my dude. I'm gonna have to tell them.
But I think that just knowing who I am, I'm
just gonna stop. I'm gonna stop, and I'm gonna be like, look,

(01:23:38):
you gotta stay away from me. I gotta stay away
from you. I would go so far as to switch
gems if I had to to avoid it, because I
don't want to really do that, you know, because when
I think about it happening to me, like it would
infuriate me and make me live in and make me
want to hurt somebody, So why even do that?

Speaker 2 (01:23:56):
So that's what I would say, Kelly, this is a
hum danger. But you know, you had a little bit
of fun. If you can stop. Stop. If you can't,
you kind of got to talk to your man about it.
You really do.

Speaker 1 (01:24:06):
And the only thing about talking to your man about it, though,
is that that opens up a can of worms. Man,
it does, because I come from the train of thought
that I'm not a cheater.

Speaker 2 (01:24:17):
It's just it's not what I really do.

Speaker 1 (01:24:20):
However, you know, if I'm in a relationship, you know,
and you cheat on me, like you open up the
floodgates for you know, anything to happen.

Speaker 2 (01:24:30):
Anything is possible.

Speaker 1 (01:24:32):
So if you don't want me to ever cheat on you,
I really suggest that you have some self control because
you don't want me to turn that on. And I
don't want to turn it on. I would just want
to be with you. You know, I really want to
try to just be with you and only you. If
you really don't want me to do that, then I
suggest that you have some respect for our relationships. So, Kelly,

(01:24:53):
good luck. I'm gonna want to follow up the same
way I had to follow up a few months ago
with Miss Levo uh from Las Vegas. Y'all remember miss
Levo miss LeVaux was getting her whole freaking amids the
COVID right with the neighbor, Kelly, I'm gonna need a
follow up. So I'm gonna email you because I'm gonna
need to follow up. I'm gonna wait a little while,
but I'm gonna need to follow up either next episode

(01:25:17):
or like in a couple episodes, because I want to
know what you did. Okay, So y'all just be prepared
for me to get some more information from Kelly because
I want to know what she decided to do. So,
friends and Ken, I'm gonna go straight to it. This

(01:25:38):
poet has been featured before during Hour We Gotta Do
Better segment, and I love her work. I've said it before.
It's no secret I own both of her books. I
think a new book is coming out. I'm gonna check
it out. I'm gonna do some research because i haven't
really been focused on it. But I've said it before,
so let me just get to the dough. This is
a perfectly selected quote for this episode and the conversation

(01:26:01):
that I had with Bianca, and I kind of want
to pat myself on the back and go get myself
a treat for this, So let's just get into it.
Someone can be madly in love with you and still
not be ready. They can love you in a way
you have never been loved and still not join you
on the bridge, and whatever their reasons, you must leave

(01:26:25):
because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet
you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince
someone to do the work to be ready. There is
more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen
out here in this wide and wild universe. And there

(01:26:45):
is the love that will be ready. Now you're Awaid
is a bad Mamma, jamma. If you are a fan
of poetry and prose, you gotta get into her stuff.
You've got to own both of her books, and when
the next one comes out, I'm definitely buying it. Matter
of fact, let me get off of here and go
see if it's out already. And if you know if
it's out already, send me a DM or something. Let

(01:27:07):
us just to know if you got the inside track,
friends and ken. I want to say thank you first
of all to God, of course, because that's how we
get down here and hand me my purse. I also
want to say thank you to my guest Bianca B
Jamil B whatever you want to call her. I'm a

(01:27:29):
caller sis, I'm a caller friend. I'm a caller homegirl.

Speaker 2 (01:27:33):
That's my boo.

Speaker 1 (01:27:34):
I want to thank her for taking time out of
her busy day to be in space and share energy
with me and have this conversation with me.

Speaker 2 (01:27:43):
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 (01:27:44):
I'm gonna link like I said her Instagram in the
show notes sook, because I implore you to go check
her voice out.

Speaker 2 (01:27:51):
She has a beautiful voice.

Speaker 1 (01:27:53):
I also want to thank my family, my friends, my supporters,
and of course you guys out there listening. I appreciate
you so much more than you'll ever understand, and I
can't wait until the next time we get to do
this again. Don't forget that this is part two in
a three and maybe four part series about the culture
of dating in the black community. And so I want

(01:28:15):
you to definitely check the third part out, which is
the next episode that's coming out. And if you haven't
listened to the first episode in the series, go back
and listen to it. So it's episodes twelve, thirteen, and fourteen,
and possibly fifteen. Now, before you exit out of whatever
streaming service you are using to listen to this episode,

(01:28:35):
I want you to stop for a second, go click
subscribe or follow if it's possible, And then I want
you to get on over to Instagram and follow me
at hand Me My Purse Underscore Podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:28:48):
You can also follow me on Twitter at.

Speaker 1 (01:28:51):
HMMP Underscore podcast and on Facebook just search for hand
Me My Purse podcast. And if you listen on Apple
Podcasts or Stitcher or any other medium that allows you
to do so, please rate and review the show. Another
thing I want to you guys to do for me.
Share the show with your friends. Share the show with

(01:29:13):
people that you care about, Share the show with people
that you think would enjoy it. Tele a friend to
tell a friend, because real friends share their jewels with
each other. And I love you for it show notes
are available at hand mempurse dot buzzsprout dot com. And
also the opening and closing music that you hear that

(01:29:35):
so many of you have asked me about is provided
by Gloomy Tunes. Here's the awesome thing about gloomy Tunes.
Gloomy Tunes is actually comprised of a few students, really
just two students that graduated from the school where I work,
and I wanted to pay it forward, so I paid
them to make me some beats, and I gotta say they.

Speaker 2 (01:29:55):
Hit the nail on the head.

Speaker 1 (01:29:57):
Please submit all of your questions for the straight facts
segment and photos, stories or quotes from your aunties too.
Hello at hand memipurse dot com, or feel free to
send me a DM on Instagram. If you're interested in
being included in any of the polls that I take
or surveys that I take, send me an Instagram or
a DM so that I can add you to our

(01:30:18):
survey list.

Speaker 2 (01:30:19):
And just an fy just in case you forgot, you.

Speaker 1 (01:30:22):
Can expect a brand new episode of Hand Me My
Purse the podcast on the first and fifteenth of every
single month, so the same way you expected those checks
on the first and the fifteenth early in the morning.
You already know your girl is going to have you
covered on those days again the first and fifteenth of
every month on your podcast streaming services such as Apple Podcasts, Spotify,

(01:30:47):
stitcher Ds are for my international friends and Ken and
anywhere else you may even think that you can find it,
or you can just go straight to my bus Sprout
website and find it there.

Speaker 2 (01:31:00):
I look forward to you, looking forward to listening, and
I'm out this bitch.

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