August 29, 2023 • 32 mins
This week we are talking about FRIEEENNDDS!!! I discuss the importance of hobbies and hobby friends, why you need a friend who doesn’t care if your house is clean, and how to navigate new friendships. Plus, the most helpful text messages to send (and receive) when friends are going through a hard time! Please enjoy this episode from the HER Archives.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hey, y'all, welcome back to this week's episode of Her
with Amina Brown. And you know what I realized, y'all,
I several weeks ago did an episode called everyone Needs
That Friend, and y'all know what, actually had a part
two to that that y'all are just now getting to hear.
So I'm gonna talk through the part two things, but
(00:55):
just feel like feel like this came out shortly after
the first one, so I wanted to talk about everyone
needs that Friend because I really enjoyed our part one
episode and we talked about quite a few friends that
you need in your life, so I wanted to name
a few other types of friends. And then at the
end of this episode, I want to talk about new
(01:17):
friends because I think new friends are also important, and
it's important for us to give ourselves grace if we
go through seasons where we may not be in a
new friend's capacity. Right. One friend that everyone needs is
you need to come as you are friend, And I
specifically mean a friend that you can have come to
(01:38):
your house when your house isn't clean, and that they
are not so bothered that your house isn't clean that
they can't just sit down and hang out with you. You
need a friend like that. You also probably need some
friends who just are are very neat like that. You
probably do need those people too, but you need even
somebody who could be neat, but could come to your
house and be like, I see that the floors need
(01:59):
to be swept. I see that the toilet may not
be cleaned all the way. You know, I see that
it's dusty in here, But I don't care because I
came here to see my friend. You need that kind
of friend, and I appreciate those friends, you know. I
try to be that friend to other people if I can,
you know, I try to be like, I'm just come
to your house. You know, we can kick it, we
can light a candle, you know, like I'm not also,
(02:20):
I'm your friend. I'm not worried about your house being
spick and span for me, for me in the way
my husband and I are at our house. Spick and
span is a thing that we do for strangers. Spick
and span is a thing you do for people you
don't know. Once you know people, you just be like, look,
(02:41):
you know what our life is like, you know what's
been going on. Just come in, you know. And sometimes
you have those people who they just love you. They
see dishes in the sink while y'all talking, they want
to get up and do a dish. I'll welcome them
to do that, but it's not expected. You wanted to
have a friend that can just come to your house
and that they're not. I think what's underneath what I'm
trying to say there is you want to have a
(03:02):
come as you are friend, because that's a friend that's
never going to judge you based on what your house
is like when they get there. And you need a
friend like that. You also need to keep it real friend.
And there are a lot of layers to what I'm
about to say here, because I sometimes think people, you know,
people take the keep it real and you know, we've
seen how keep it real can go wrong. But I
(03:23):
think there's a lot of layers to having a keep
it real friend. I think one of the layers is
you have a friend that you can have that you
can have really honest conversation with about uncomfortable topics, right.
And I think we talked in the last episode that
I did about this. In the part one episode, I
(03:46):
think we talked about having a freaky friend and that
this can fall under the keep it real category, but
I also want to say keeping it real with your
friend like goes beyond sex as a topic, although that
can be a part of it, but it could also
be about I was about to say genitalia, but I
(04:08):
think I have a specific example I want to give here,
you know, for my friends that also have breasts and
also have vaginas, right, like having a keeper real friend
that you can say, hey, have you ever and you
can name them like some experience that you've had, Like
I know that I have talked to some of my
other friends who have breasts and I have been like,
(04:30):
what's the deal with the boob sweat? What are you
doing about that in the summer in the South. That's
a keep it real friend, someone that is not going
to get like super uncomfortable with you saying these things.
I do think it. I do think sex could be
included there, but not in the same way as having
a freaky friend, Like if you have a keep it
real friend, like I know I have a couple of
(04:51):
friends that you know, they could call and be like, girl,
what you've been up to and you could actually tell them,
like if you were engaging in a sexual activity, you
could just drop to them like your girl was just
doing that, but anyways, I'm here now what you up to.
And they're not going to be like uh yikes, or
you know, clutching their pros. They're just gonna move on.
They're gonna be like, okay, cool, he was doing that,
(05:12):
you had a sandwich, great, Okay, things like this. I
think that is a part of having a keep it
real friend. I think on a more vulnerable level, having
a keep it real friend is also someone that if
you have something to say to them that's hard for
you to say or that is vulnerable for you to say,
(05:33):
that you can keep it real with them. I think
that's the thing. When we think about a keep it
real friend, you could be thinking about a friend you
have who keeps it real, and that's a part of it.
But you can also have a keep it real friend
that you feel you can keep it real with, that
you feel you don't have to not talk about this
(05:54):
or that if you needed to bring that up to them.
And I now at what the kids are saying is
my big age of forty two, I have experienced a
lot of life with my friends, my own things that
I've been through, things that they've been through where we've
(06:15):
needed to be able to sit down and say, this
is a thing that's happening in my life. You know,
for some of my friends, they needed to be able
to say to me, my marriage is over. For some
of my friends, they needed to be able to say
to me, here's the struggle I'm having, you know, as
a parent. For some of my friends, they needed to
say to me, here's where I'm feeling pretty pissed off
(06:38):
about my dating life right now, or here's where I'm
feeling really disillusioned with my career and what that could
mean for me financially if I make those choices. I
think part of having to keep it real, friend is yes,
you want people in your life who keep it real
with you. You want people in your life that are
not going to be afraid to tell you what you
might not want to hear. You know, we talked about
(06:58):
the fashion friend too in the previous part one episode
to this, but you know, you want to have a
friend that can tell you if like the clothes you
wear and maybe don't look good on you, but they
can tell you in sort of a loving way, can
help you, like figure out how you're gonna fix it.
You know, you want to have some friends that can
tell you when your lipstick color could be better, but
(07:19):
not because they need to criticize you, not because they
need to be backhanded and mean toward to you, but
because they want good for you, because they love you,
and they have a way of sharing that with you
that shows the love there, right, And you want to
make sure you have friends that you can say it.
(07:40):
You know, you can say it, and sometimes you're going
to have some hard stuff going on in life. You're
going to have to admit some things that are hard
to say out loud to someone. But it's good to
have a friend that you can do that with that.
You know, if you had to call them and tell
them this thing that's like highly inappropriate, they're going to
be like, I'm ready, I'm listening, tell me what's up.
You know, you want to have some friends with history
(08:04):
and I this is kind of an interesting one because
I remember in my twenties. I feel like my twenties
was a decade for me that I felt the need
for separation. Some of that separation was from my family,
you know, I felt like I needed to separate, you know,
from my family or from my parents in this way
because I needed to define my own adulthood, you know,
(08:27):
separate from them, right, And I think during that season
of life, I also I also just didn't necessarily see
the importance of having friends that you have history with,
because sometimes I think this is the trouble, right that
sometimes we have friends that we have history with, but
that's all we have with them, right, we don't have
(08:48):
current experiences, current memories. It's sort of like your friends,
but your friends with who you were when you met
each other, or your friends with who you were in
the past. And that is not what I mean when
I say friends with history. I think it can be
not so great when you have a friendship and all
you have is the past, because what if that's not
(09:11):
who you are now, or what if you're into some
different things, or what if you just want to have
current experiences with your friends, you know, I think you
have to watch it when you have friendships and all
you have is history. If every time you get together
all you're doing is reminiscing on things that happened in
the past, then you ought to ask yourself, do I
(09:35):
feel like I can really be who I am now
around that person? Do I feel like there's more to
our friendship than just the past, right, So I think
it's good when you have friends with history who are
also willing to grow with you. And this does not
always come in the same package, you know. I have
(09:58):
some people that I would say are our friends, that
all I have with them is that history we had,
and for a short period of conversation or for a
short visit, I don't mind reminiscing, you know, like I
don't mind being like, oh my gosh, you remember when
we blah blah blah blah blah bah blah after school
and all, you know, Like I don't mind doing that,
you know, for a time. But out a point, I'm
(10:19):
going to be like, well, I'm not eighteen anymore, you know,
or I'm not twenty two or whatever age we were
when we met, whatever age we were when we made
those memories. You know. I want to know that you
can be my friend today and you can know me
from back then, but you are giving me the room
to become whoever I am today. And that is a
(10:42):
package deal that when you get a friend that can
do both of those things, that's a real, real gift
in life. I am happy to say that I have
a few friends that fall in that category for me,
that we've been friends. I have a best friend that
we've been friends since we were in high school, and
we have I've walked each other through all sorts of life,
(11:03):
you know. But I know about her and I hope
that she knows about me too, that I'm not holding
her to the standard of who she was when we met.
I want her to be whoever she is now, you know.
I want to be whoever I am now, and I
want us to have both when we can. But I
think the plus when you have friends in your life
that are your current friends, that you can be yourself now,
(11:26):
but you have this history with them. I mean, first
of all, it gives a lot of amazing stories of
all the life you know that you've lived together over
the years. But it also really brings such like groundedness
to the relationship because you're talking to someone who knows
(11:48):
you very well. And a lot of my friends that
I would say fit in this category for me that
they're friends I have history with and we've been able
to grow together. We've been able to give each other
the room to become, you know, whoever we're going to
become it's really hard to lie to them because they've
known me a long time. You know, when you have
(12:08):
newer friends sometimes, you know, if you're not thinking about it,
you can almost be like, I wouldn't say it's quite
like reinventing yourself. You're being yourself, but you're sort of
like just sharing this who you are now. It's going
to take them time to get to know, like who
you were in these previous seasons of your life, you know.
And I could think of a really specific moment on
(12:28):
I feel like maybe my friend Salita and I talked
about this when I had her on the podcast here,
But I remember I had a Thanksgiving where I was
really sad and just dealing with a lot of loss
and grief related to miscarriage and stuff like that that
had happened around that time of year. And three of
my friends from college that year happened to come over
(12:50):
our house for Thanksgiving. And I looked around, and you know,
everybody was sitting at their different tables, eating food and
playing cards, and you know, just like chilling how people
do on a holiday like that. And I looked around
and I felt so just I felt so much gratitude.
I felt so grateful that these were women that I
(13:14):
had been in the dorm with. You know, these were
women that we had all of us gone through a
lot of transitions and transformations and some tragedy, and you know,
we'd experienced all levels of things, and it brought me
a certain kind of comfort that they were at my
house that particular holiday, because even if I felt sad,
(13:40):
I didn't have to perform happy for them because we
had history like that and they would never want me
to do that anyways. They had enough capacity to hold
space for me whatever I felt like. You know, so
I think it's good now I can say at this
season of life, it is dope. When you have friends
(14:02):
that you have known for a long time but you've
been able to grow together. That's a very dope experience.
I recommend another friend that everyone needs is a hobby friend.
I maybe should start by saying that it's nice when
you can have a hobby, because some of y'all might
be like, can't have a hobby friend if I don't
(14:24):
have a hobby, And I bring up hobbies here with
no judgment, you know, because I think whether it's podcasting
or conferences we attend or whatever, or social media. You know,
we get a lot of prescriptive language from folks. You know,
we get a lot of like you gotta have this
and you need that, you know, and some of us, honestly,
(14:46):
may be in a place where we just we don't
have a hobby. We don't want one, we don't need one.
Everyone doesn't have to have a hobby. So I want
to give that caveat. But I want to say, if
you do have a hobby, I guess I want to
speak to to speak a little to hobbies for a
minute before I get to the hobby friend. I think
sometimes maybe hobby is becoming like an antiquated word, right,
(15:08):
I know, it's not something that I typically say in conversation, right,
And if I were somewhere and someone were to say,
you know, what are your hobbies? You know, hobbies always
seem like stamp collecting and maybe crocheting seems like it
falls under hobby to me, like it's always crafty for
some reason, when people say they have a hobby, it's
(15:28):
bird watching, it's crafty or it's nature esque. And in
my mind, you know, it's hard for me to imagine
hobbies outside of that. But I'm using hobby, just so
it can be kind of like a short form, you know,
shortcut language there for us right now. But I think
really what we're talking about when we're talking about hobbies,
we're talking about the stuff that you do when you're
(15:51):
not at work and when you're not doing things for
other people, the things that you do because you love
it or you enjoy it. What we would have said
when you were in college maybe, or we would have said,
would be the elective. You know, if your life could
have an elective, then what would that be? You know?
And I do think it's worth even if it's not
(16:15):
how I view a hobby, just having like an somewhat
of an extracurricular something that you do, and maybe you
don't do it every day, and maybe you don't do
it every week, but having something that you're like, I
do that and it's not my job, and it's not
me being with other people, you know, whether that's family
or friends or you know, whatever social functions. It's stuff
(16:37):
that I do because I love it, I enjoy it, right.
I think it's good to find that for yourself. And honestly,
for me, like some seasons of my life, it's cooking
and learning to cook new dishes that I've never learned
how to cook before, and stuff like that. That's a
that's that's a hobby of mine. Watching reality television is
(17:00):
it's also a hobby of mine, you know, walking through
antique stores, walking the aisles of TJ Max. Those are
things that I would count beyond what my initial definition
is when I hear the word hobby. What can be
(17:29):
interesting sometimes when you have your friends that you sort
of have that deeper relationship to, and I think that's wonderful.
And I think it's also good when you have friends that, like,
y'all have been through all the stuff together, You've gone
through the hard stuff. I feel like I feel like
I'm learning with my friends to also make sure that
we have time that we just kind of like shoot
the shit, you know what I mean? We have time
(17:50):
that we're not like how that makes you feel? Then?
What you say? Do you think that came from your
family of origin? You know, where you're not just talking
about the hard things of life, but where you can
talk about some light stuff, you know, Like I have
a couple of friends that we love to watch the
same reality TV shows, so we'll catch up and talk
(18:14):
about you know, maybe some challenges that we're having in life,
some other stressors that may be going on, and then
we'll be like, but girl, love and marriage Huntsville, and
then we get into that. I think it's good to
have a hobby friend, and I think that can look,
you know, a lot of different ways. But it could
be a friend that you have that maybe y'all never
talk about super deep stuff in life. Maybe all y'all
(18:35):
talk about is your hobby, and that is great. Every
friendship does not have to be deep. It's good to
have some friendships that are surfaced to mid. I wasn't
always of that opinion, Okay. I was more like, I
don't see why I would want to have friends that
I can't get like deep in life with them, you know,
(18:57):
But now I'm like, Yo, sometimes it's nice to just
have a friend that you can talk to about furniture
or whatever it is you're into, you know. So having
a hobby friend can be really great because it encourages
you to continue spending time doing something that you love,
but you also have someone to talk about it. And truthfully,
(19:18):
you probably have something in your life that you really
love or care about, and there may be other people
in your life. Other family or friends or whatever that
don't care about that thing at all, and you're talking
to them about this stuff you love to do, and
their eyes are glazing over because it's not important to them.
Find you a friend whose eyes aren't glazing over about that.
Find you a friend. Then when you bring that up,
they're like, yes, tell me all the details. I want
(19:41):
to hear it. That's what a hobby friend does. Everybody
needs that friend. And I am going to close this
episode by saying everyone needs new friends sometimes, and I'm
going to caveat that, and we'll talk about that here.
I think the new friends are important because I think
(20:02):
it's good to open up your circle and meet some
new people. You may gain some new perspectives. I also
think what's interesting about having friends with history is that
sometimes you're friends with history, y'all. Y'all may go through
the phases or different stages of life differently or at
(20:22):
different times, or y'all may experience it where one friend
goes through a certain stage of life and the other
friend doesn't. Right. So, for example, you know, even if
we talk about developmentally, right, like, you may be continuing
to progress in your career. You may have a friend
who isn't progressing in their career or has chosen not
(20:45):
to because of other things that they wanted to commit
their life to. Right or you may be you may
not be married, and you may have a friend who
gets married, and because of the dynamics of their getting married,
that may change some of the dynamics on their relationship. Obviously,
this can also happen when people move to a different place.
(21:05):
This can also happen when people have children and there's
just that difference of like, well, you know, I'm living here,
you used to live here, when now you live there?
You know, or you know, we used to like do
these types of things in this way, We used to
spend time in these ways, but now we can't because
you have additional family commitment. Maybe you're caring for a parent,
maybe you're caring for a child, you know, all these
(21:26):
different dynamics that we learn to grow together and find
ways around and through as friends with history. But sometimes
I have found when that happens where especially when it's
a developmental thing as far as like stage of life
or or certain types of experiences like that, this sort
(21:46):
of can kind of feel like, oh, this person is
now having that experience in their life. I'm not having
that experience. What does that mean? Well, sometimes that will
mean different things for the friendship. Sometimes it won't, and
you'll find new ways to hang out together or figure
that out. But I also feel like when you can
open yourself to new friends, that's also good because sometimes
(22:08):
you may open yourself up to a new friend that
may share the stage of life where you are. Maybe
you're caring for a parent and most of your friends aren't,
you know, and you love them and they love you,
but they don't know the rigors of what that's like,
you know, and maybe you have you find a new
friend that understands that because they're also caring for a
(22:31):
parent or maybe you know. I know, for me, career wise,
a lot of my really good and close friends aren't
in the same career you know that I'm in. So
there were certain things that we could just talk about
as professionals. But I realized I needed some friends that
also did something similar to what I do for a
living so that I could share in that with them.
For me, that took the burden off of my friends
(22:55):
that may not know that much about my career takes
the burden off of me feeling like, oh, why don't
they understand? You know. It takes the burden off of
them being like, wait, what's that? So how's that go?
You know, and gives me the ability to have some
new friends that know the ins and outs of my industry,
that experience some of the things that I experience as
(23:15):
a professional. So I think when it comes to new friends,
here would be the tips that you know I would
give you. I think I think it's important to when
you are able to to have an open heart to
new friends. It does take that. It takes you having
the ability to be open to getting to know other people,
(23:38):
be open to them getting to know you, to the
time it may take to get to know someone right.
I think, kind of similar to what you know we
were talking about with the hobby friend. It's okay to
not have to focus on the hard stuff when you
first meet a new friend. It's okay that it's surface
at first or for a while or whatever, just because
(23:58):
you're not getting in to the deep recesses of your
upbringing and traumas you may have experienced and things like that.
It doesn't mean that this couldn't be a valuable friend
in your life. You know, I'm a person who I
don't know. It's like I'm trying to describe myself here.
I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm a person who
wears my heart on my sleeve. But I can be
(24:20):
a person who just gets right down to it as
far as like what's happening in my life. Like I've
really had to learn to practice with friends going more slowly,
you know, with letting them get to know me and
not feeling like not feeling like, oh my gosh, I
just met you and I really like our vibe. So
now I want you to be in my life forever.
(24:41):
I need to catch you up on everything that ever
happened to me, you know, like the friends you have
that you have history with, you built that history slowly
over time, you know, and give your new friends the
same give them the same sort of grace or margin
that way. I do want to talk a little bit
about what happens when you're in a season of life
(25:04):
that you cannot do it with new friends. I think
it was Drake who had a song called no New Friends,
And when I first heard it, I was like, Wow,
why would he ever say that? And then I went
through a few I've gone through seasons a few times
myself where it is a season. I mean even actually,
I would say right now I'm in a season where,
(25:25):
because of things that are just happening in my life
right now, I'm not in a season where I can
cultivate new friendships right now. And I do think seasons
like that exist, and that's not a bad thing. You'll
have seasons in your life where you don't have capacity.
You'll have capacity to get to know someone else, you
don't have capacity to figure out how to kick it
with them, how to fold them into your life. And
(25:46):
I think it's important to acknowledge that and not feel
bad or burdened that that may be true for you.
The truth is, I think if you meet a new friend,
that could be a great new friend for you, and
you're in a season right now where you can't be friends.
If you have capacity to say, man, like I'd love
(26:07):
getting to know you and talking to you, like we
should hang out. But I'm gonna tell you right now,
things is wild in life right now. Give me, you know,
some time, I'll reach out, and if you are the
friend on the other side of that conversation, try to
hold space for the fact that people people are going
through a lot. People are going through a lot that
they may not tell you. People are going through a
(26:28):
lot that they may not even have capacity to explain
or tell you. And if you hear from a friend
of yours, hey like, I'm going through this, I'm processing this.
Give me time. When I'm ready, I'll reach out to you.
Let them reach out to you. Don't assume that because
such and such amount of days, weeks, months have gone by,
(26:49):
that you have to kind of be the one to
keep up with that. I've had some seasons where just
even my mental health was in a place where I
can't manage all the catchups. You know, I can't. I
can't do that right now for new friends. I don't
have the capacity for that at the moment. And so
when I say I will reach out to you, and
I have capacity, I will, but I don't know when.
(27:10):
I don't know if it's going to be two months
or six months or you know. And sometimes, to be truthful,
I've had some newer friends in life that what I
was going through I didn't even have capacity to say.
I don't have space for this right now. Let me
get in touch with you. You know, I think this
goes back to what we were talking about in some
(27:32):
other earlier Friendship episodes a few months ago in the
podcast maybe that was several months ago now, Really we
were talking about, you know, this idea that you know
you're going to have times that you don't you don't
have the capacity to communicate those things, and that is
sometimes how we either ghost friends or we have been ghosted.
(27:55):
And everybody hates to be ghosted, and plenty of people have,
you know, possibly not so great reasons that they ghost.
But I try to hold space for people that sometimes
people are ghosting not because they're bad people. Sometimes they're
ghosting because they literally don't have capacity to tell you
that it's too much right now, you know. So if
(28:15):
you are not able to have new friends right now
in your life, that's okay, that's okay, And don't put
pressure on yourself, don't do any of that, don't do
any of that. Just be where you are, Be in
the relationships you can be in, Be in the friendships
you can be in, and that's okay, you know. And
if you're a person who was looking forward to that
(28:36):
new friendship and you can kind of feel that the
person may not have space or capacity. Try to give
them some margin, some grace, Try to give them that
bit of patience that says, hey, you know, we're friends.
We're going to be on each other's lives, you know,
and I will say about this. You know, if you
(28:56):
have a friend, you know, especially a new friend, and
you know, maybe they're going through something and they may
not feel comfortable to talk to you about it. If
they say that, it's okay for you to communicate to them,
because if they tell you like, please let me do this,
then let them. But if they have given you like
you might not hear from me, it's okay if you
(29:17):
write to me, just have the margin that you may
not hear from me. Right. I have found that the
most helpful text messages are ones that sound like this,
Hey been thinking about you. You've been on my mind.
No need to respond if you don't feel up to it.
Just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts.
People that have sent me, especially when I was going
(29:37):
through a really tough time, people that have sent me
funny links and been like, thought about you. When I
saw this, wanted to reach out and send it to you.
Hope it gives you a smile today. Again with the
no need to respond if you don't feel up to it.
You would be surprised how much that sentence does for people.
You would be surprised how much of a it could
(30:01):
give to a friend that may be struggling at the moment.
And if you're a person who likes to communicate like that,
you want people to know you care about them. That
type of message is I think could be more helpful
and better received. Then if you're if you're always asking
for something of them, even if you are like, well,
we're asking is pretty simple. Even if you're like, hey,
(30:22):
how are you? Pretty simple message, right. But if in
my world I'm super overwhelmed, I'm doing everything I can
to survive. I'm trying to keep my head above water, right,
I don't know how to answer that. If we're new
friends or if we're not, you know, close friends, it's
better to say, hey, thinking about you, checking on you,
(30:45):
what you wondering, how you are? You know, no pressure
to respond, no need to write back, give people those things,
you know. Part of friendship, interestingly is cultivating that communication,
and it's staying in touch just doing those things. But
sometimes a part of being a good friend is knowing
when to give space and when to hold it as well.
(31:08):
So we did it, y'all. Everyone needs that friend. I
am so thankful for my friends who are that friend
to me. I hope that if there's someone that came
to your mind or your heart, maybe you can reach
out to them, maybe you can hang out with them
if your schedules allow. But do what you can to
(31:28):
be a good friend. Do what you can to make
sure that the good friends in your life know you
appreciate them. And as a great reminder, my therapist has
reminded me of this as well. And also make sure
that you remember to be a good friend to yourself.
Talk to you later. Her with the Emina Brown is
(32:00):
produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a
part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and
review the podcast.
Hey, y'all, welcome back to this week's episode of Her
with Amina Brown. And you know what I realized, y'all,
I several weeks ago did an episode called everyone Needs
That Friend, and y'all know what, actually had a part
two to that that y'all are just now getting to hear.
So I'm gonna talk through the part two things, but
(00:55):
just feel like feel like this came out shortly after
the first one, so I wanted to talk about everyone
needs that Friend because I really enjoyed our part one
episode and we talked about quite a few friends that
you need in your life, so I wanted to name
a few other types of friends. And then at the
end of this episode, I want to talk about new
(01:17):
friends because I think new friends are also important, and
it's important for us to give ourselves grace if we
go through seasons where we may not be in a
new friend's capacity. Right. One friend that everyone needs is
you need to come as you are friend, And I
specifically mean a friend that you can have come to
(01:38):
your house when your house isn't clean, and that they
are not so bothered that your house isn't clean that
they can't just sit down and hang out with you. You
need a friend like that. You also probably need some
friends who just are are very neat like that. You
probably do need those people too, but you need even
somebody who could be neat, but could come to your
house and be like, I see that the floors need
(01:59):
to be swept. I see that the toilet may not
be cleaned all the way. You know, I see that
it's dusty in here, But I don't care because I
came here to see my friend. You need that kind
of friend, and I appreciate those friends, you know. I
try to be that friend to other people if I can,
you know, I try to be like, I'm just come
to your house. You know, we can kick it, we
can light a candle, you know, like I'm not also,
(02:20):
I'm your friend. I'm not worried about your house being
spick and span for me, for me in the way
my husband and I are at our house. Spick and
span is a thing that we do for strangers. Spick
and span is a thing you do for people you
don't know. Once you know people, you just be like, look,
(02:41):
you know what our life is like, you know what's
been going on. Just come in, you know. And sometimes
you have those people who they just love you. They
see dishes in the sink while y'all talking, they want
to get up and do a dish. I'll welcome them
to do that, but it's not expected. You wanted to
have a friend that can just come to your house
and that they're not. I think what's underneath what I'm
trying to say there is you want to have a
(03:02):
come as you are friend, because that's a friend that's
never going to judge you based on what your house
is like when they get there. And you need a
friend like that. You also need to keep it real friend.
And there are a lot of layers to what I'm
about to say here, because I sometimes think people, you know,
people take the keep it real and you know, we've
seen how keep it real can go wrong. But I
(03:23):
think there's a lot of layers to having a keep
it real friend. I think one of the layers is
you have a friend that you can have that you
can have really honest conversation with about uncomfortable topics, right.
And I think we talked in the last episode that
I did about this. In the part one episode, I
(03:46):
think we talked about having a freaky friend and that
this can fall under the keep it real category, but
I also want to say keeping it real with your
friend like goes beyond sex as a topic, although that
can be a part of it, but it could also
be about I was about to say genitalia, but I
(04:08):
think I have a specific example I want to give here,
you know, for my friends that also have breasts and
also have vaginas, right, like having a keeper real friend
that you can say, hey, have you ever and you
can name them like some experience that you've had, Like
I know that I have talked to some of my
other friends who have breasts and I have been like,
(04:30):
what's the deal with the boob sweat? What are you
doing about that in the summer in the South. That's
a keep it real friend, someone that is not going
to get like super uncomfortable with you saying these things.
I do think it. I do think sex could be
included there, but not in the same way as having
a freaky friend, Like if you have a keep it
real friend, like I know I have a couple of
(04:51):
friends that you know, they could call and be like, girl,
what you've been up to and you could actually tell them,
like if you were engaging in a sexual activity, you
could just drop to them like your girl was just
doing that, but anyways, I'm here now what you up to.
And they're not going to be like uh yikes, or
you know, clutching their pros. They're just gonna move on.
They're gonna be like, okay, cool, he was doing that,
(05:12):
you had a sandwich, great, Okay, things like this. I
think that is a part of having a keep it
real friend. I think on a more vulnerable level, having
a keep it real friend is also someone that if
you have something to say to them that's hard for
you to say or that is vulnerable for you to say,
(05:33):
that you can keep it real with them. I think
that's the thing. When we think about a keep it
real friend, you could be thinking about a friend you
have who keeps it real, and that's a part of it.
But you can also have a keep it real friend
that you feel you can keep it real with, that
you feel you don't have to not talk about this
(05:54):
or that if you needed to bring that up to them.
And I now at what the kids are saying is
my big age of forty two, I have experienced a
lot of life with my friends, my own things that
I've been through, things that they've been through where we've
(06:15):
needed to be able to sit down and say, this
is a thing that's happening in my life. You know,
for some of my friends, they needed to be able
to say to me, my marriage is over. For some
of my friends, they needed to be able to say
to me, here's the struggle I'm having, you know, as
a parent. For some of my friends, they needed to
say to me, here's where I'm feeling pretty pissed off
(06:38):
about my dating life right now, or here's where I'm
feeling really disillusioned with my career and what that could
mean for me financially if I make those choices. I
think part of having to keep it real, friend is yes,
you want people in your life who keep it real
with you. You want people in your life that are
not going to be afraid to tell you what you
might not want to hear. You know, we talked about
(06:58):
the fashion friend too in the previous part one episode
to this, but you know, you want to have a
friend that can tell you if like the clothes you
wear and maybe don't look good on you, but they
can tell you in sort of a loving way, can
help you, like figure out how you're gonna fix it.
You know, you want to have some friends that can
tell you when your lipstick color could be better, but
(07:19):
not because they need to criticize you, not because they
need to be backhanded and mean toward to you, but
because they want good for you, because they love you,
and they have a way of sharing that with you
that shows the love there, right, And you want to
make sure you have friends that you can say it.
(07:40):
You know, you can say it, and sometimes you're going
to have some hard stuff going on in life. You're
going to have to admit some things that are hard
to say out loud to someone. But it's good to
have a friend that you can do that with that.
You know, if you had to call them and tell
them this thing that's like highly inappropriate, they're going to
be like, I'm ready, I'm listening, tell me what's up.
You know, you want to have some friends with history
(08:04):
and I this is kind of an interesting one because
I remember in my twenties. I feel like my twenties
was a decade for me that I felt the need
for separation. Some of that separation was from my family,
you know, I felt like I needed to separate, you know,
from my family or from my parents in this way
because I needed to define my own adulthood, you know,
(08:27):
separate from them, right, And I think during that season
of life, I also I also just didn't necessarily see
the importance of having friends that you have history with,
because sometimes I think this is the trouble, right that
sometimes we have friends that we have history with, but
that's all we have with them, right, we don't have
(08:48):
current experiences, current memories. It's sort of like your friends,
but your friends with who you were when you met
each other, or your friends with who you were in
the past. And that is not what I mean when
I say friends with history. I think it can be
not so great when you have a friendship and all
you have is the past, because what if that's not
(09:11):
who you are now, or what if you're into some
different things, or what if you just want to have
current experiences with your friends, you know, I think you
have to watch it when you have friendships and all
you have is history. If every time you get together
all you're doing is reminiscing on things that happened in
the past, then you ought to ask yourself, do I
(09:35):
feel like I can really be who I am now
around that person? Do I feel like there's more to
our friendship than just the past, right, So I think
it's good when you have friends with history who are
also willing to grow with you. And this does not
always come in the same package, you know. I have
(09:58):
some people that I would say are our friends, that
all I have with them is that history we had,
and for a short period of conversation or for a
short visit, I don't mind reminiscing, you know, like I
don't mind being like, oh my gosh, you remember when
we blah blah blah blah blah bah blah after school
and all, you know, Like I don't mind doing that,
you know, for a time. But out a point, I'm
(10:19):
going to be like, well, I'm not eighteen anymore, you know,
or I'm not twenty two or whatever age we were
when we met, whatever age we were when we made
those memories. You know. I want to know that you
can be my friend today and you can know me
from back then, but you are giving me the room
to become whoever I am today. And that is a
(10:42):
package deal that when you get a friend that can
do both of those things, that's a real, real gift
in life. I am happy to say that I have
a few friends that fall in that category for me,
that we've been friends. I have a best friend that
we've been friends since we were in high school, and
we have I've walked each other through all sorts of life,
(11:03):
you know. But I know about her and I hope
that she knows about me too, that I'm not holding
her to the standard of who she was when we met.
I want her to be whoever she is now, you know.
I want to be whoever I am now, and I
want us to have both when we can. But I
think the plus when you have friends in your life
that are your current friends, that you can be yourself now,
(11:26):
but you have this history with them. I mean, first
of all, it gives a lot of amazing stories of
all the life you know that you've lived together over
the years. But it also really brings such like groundedness
to the relationship because you're talking to someone who knows
(11:48):
you very well. And a lot of my friends that
I would say fit in this category for me that
they're friends I have history with and we've been able
to grow together. We've been able to give each other
the room to become, you know, whoever we're going to
become it's really hard to lie to them because they've
known me a long time. You know, when you have
(12:08):
newer friends sometimes, you know, if you're not thinking about it,
you can almost be like, I wouldn't say it's quite
like reinventing yourself. You're being yourself, but you're sort of
like just sharing this who you are now. It's going
to take them time to get to know, like who
you were in these previous seasons of your life, you know.
And I could think of a really specific moment on
(12:28):
I feel like maybe my friend Salita and I talked
about this when I had her on the podcast here,
But I remember I had a Thanksgiving where I was
really sad and just dealing with a lot of loss
and grief related to miscarriage and stuff like that that
had happened around that time of year. And three of
my friends from college that year happened to come over
(12:50):
our house for Thanksgiving. And I looked around, and you know,
everybody was sitting at their different tables, eating food and
playing cards, and you know, just like chilling how people
do on a holiday like that. And I looked around
and I felt so just I felt so much gratitude.
I felt so grateful that these were women that I
(13:14):
had been in the dorm with. You know, these were
women that we had all of us gone through a
lot of transitions and transformations and some tragedy, and you know,
we'd experienced all levels of things, and it brought me
a certain kind of comfort that they were at my
house that particular holiday, because even if I felt sad,
(13:40):
I didn't have to perform happy for them because we
had history like that and they would never want me
to do that anyways. They had enough capacity to hold
space for me whatever I felt like. You know, so
I think it's good now I can say at this
season of life, it is dope. When you have friends
(14:02):
that you have known for a long time but you've
been able to grow together. That's a very dope experience.
I recommend another friend that everyone needs is a hobby friend.
I maybe should start by saying that it's nice when
you can have a hobby, because some of y'all might
be like, can't have a hobby friend if I don't
(14:24):
have a hobby, And I bring up hobbies here with
no judgment, you know, because I think whether it's podcasting
or conferences we attend or whatever, or social media. You know,
we get a lot of prescriptive language from folks. You know,
we get a lot of like you gotta have this
and you need that, you know, and some of us, honestly,
(14:46):
may be in a place where we just we don't
have a hobby. We don't want one, we don't need one.
Everyone doesn't have to have a hobby. So I want
to give that caveat. But I want to say, if
you do have a hobby, I guess I want to
speak to to speak a little to hobbies for a
minute before I get to the hobby friend. I think
sometimes maybe hobby is becoming like an antiquated word, right,
(15:08):
I know, it's not something that I typically say in conversation, right,
And if I were somewhere and someone were to say,
you know, what are your hobbies? You know, hobbies always
seem like stamp collecting and maybe crocheting seems like it
falls under hobby to me, like it's always crafty for
some reason, when people say they have a hobby, it's
(15:28):
bird watching, it's crafty or it's nature esque. And in
my mind, you know, it's hard for me to imagine
hobbies outside of that. But I'm using hobby, just so
it can be kind of like a short form, you know,
shortcut language there for us right now. But I think
really what we're talking about when we're talking about hobbies,
we're talking about the stuff that you do when you're
(15:51):
not at work and when you're not doing things for
other people, the things that you do because you love
it or you enjoy it. What we would have said
when you were in college maybe, or we would have said,
would be the elective. You know, if your life could
have an elective, then what would that be? You know?
And I do think it's worth even if it's not
(16:15):
how I view a hobby, just having like an somewhat
of an extracurricular something that you do, and maybe you
don't do it every day, and maybe you don't do
it every week, but having something that you're like, I
do that and it's not my job, and it's not
me being with other people, you know, whether that's family
or friends or you know, whatever social functions. It's stuff
(16:37):
that I do because I love it, I enjoy it, right.
I think it's good to find that for yourself. And honestly,
for me, like some seasons of my life, it's cooking
and learning to cook new dishes that I've never learned
how to cook before, and stuff like that. That's a
that's that's a hobby of mine. Watching reality television is
(17:00):
it's also a hobby of mine, you know, walking through
antique stores, walking the aisles of TJ Max. Those are
things that I would count beyond what my initial definition
is when I hear the word hobby. What can be
(17:29):
interesting sometimes when you have your friends that you sort
of have that deeper relationship to, and I think that's wonderful.
And I think it's also good when you have friends that, like,
y'all have been through all the stuff together, You've gone
through the hard stuff. I feel like I feel like
I'm learning with my friends to also make sure that
we have time that we just kind of like shoot
the shit, you know what I mean? We have time
(17:50):
that we're not like how that makes you feel? Then?
What you say? Do you think that came from your
family of origin? You know, where you're not just talking
about the hard things of life, but where you can
talk about some light stuff, you know, Like I have
a couple of friends that we love to watch the
same reality TV shows, so we'll catch up and talk
(18:14):
about you know, maybe some challenges that we're having in life,
some other stressors that may be going on, and then
we'll be like, but girl, love and marriage Huntsville, and
then we get into that. I think it's good to
have a hobby friend, and I think that can look,
you know, a lot of different ways. But it could
be a friend that you have that maybe y'all never
talk about super deep stuff in life. Maybe all y'all
(18:35):
talk about is your hobby, and that is great. Every
friendship does not have to be deep. It's good to
have some friendships that are surfaced to mid. I wasn't
always of that opinion, Okay. I was more like, I
don't see why I would want to have friends that
I can't get like deep in life with them, you know,
(18:57):
But now I'm like, Yo, sometimes it's nice to just
have a friend that you can talk to about furniture
or whatever it is you're into, you know. So having
a hobby friend can be really great because it encourages
you to continue spending time doing something that you love,
but you also have someone to talk about it. And truthfully,
(19:18):
you probably have something in your life that you really
love or care about, and there may be other people
in your life. Other family or friends or whatever that
don't care about that thing at all, and you're talking
to them about this stuff you love to do, and
their eyes are glazing over because it's not important to them.
Find you a friend whose eyes aren't glazing over about that.
Find you a friend. Then when you bring that up,
they're like, yes, tell me all the details. I want
(19:41):
to hear it. That's what a hobby friend does. Everybody
needs that friend. And I am going to close this
episode by saying everyone needs new friends sometimes, and I'm
going to caveat that, and we'll talk about that here.
I think the new friends are important because I think
(20:02):
it's good to open up your circle and meet some
new people. You may gain some new perspectives. I also
think what's interesting about having friends with history is that
sometimes you're friends with history, y'all. Y'all may go through
the phases or different stages of life differently or at
(20:22):
different times, or y'all may experience it where one friend
goes through a certain stage of life and the other
friend doesn't. Right. So, for example, you know, even if
we talk about developmentally, right, like, you may be continuing
to progress in your career. You may have a friend
who isn't progressing in their career or has chosen not
(20:45):
to because of other things that they wanted to commit
their life to. Right or you may be you may
not be married, and you may have a friend who
gets married, and because of the dynamics of their getting married,
that may change some of the dynamics on their relationship. Obviously,
this can also happen when people move to a different place.
(21:05):
This can also happen when people have children and there's
just that difference of like, well, you know, I'm living here,
you used to live here, when now you live there?
You know, or you know, we used to like do
these types of things in this way, We used to
spend time in these ways, but now we can't because
you have additional family commitment. Maybe you're caring for a parent,
maybe you're caring for a child, you know, all these
(21:26):
different dynamics that we learn to grow together and find
ways around and through as friends with history. But sometimes
I have found when that happens where especially when it's
a developmental thing as far as like stage of life
or or certain types of experiences like that, this sort
(21:46):
of can kind of feel like, oh, this person is
now having that experience in their life. I'm not having
that experience. What does that mean? Well, sometimes that will
mean different things for the friendship. Sometimes it won't, and
you'll find new ways to hang out together or figure
that out. But I also feel like when you can
open yourself to new friends, that's also good because sometimes
(22:08):
you may open yourself up to a new friend that
may share the stage of life where you are. Maybe
you're caring for a parent and most of your friends aren't,
you know, and you love them and they love you,
but they don't know the rigors of what that's like,
you know, and maybe you have you find a new
friend that understands that because they're also caring for a
(22:31):
parent or maybe you know. I know, for me, career wise,
a lot of my really good and close friends aren't
in the same career you know that I'm in. So
there were certain things that we could just talk about
as professionals. But I realized I needed some friends that
also did something similar to what I do for a
living so that I could share in that with them.
For me, that took the burden off of my friends
(22:55):
that may not know that much about my career takes
the burden off of me feeling like, oh, why don't
they understand? You know. It takes the burden off of
them being like, wait, what's that? So how's that go?
You know, and gives me the ability to have some
new friends that know the ins and outs of my industry,
that experience some of the things that I experience as
(23:15):
a professional. So I think when it comes to new friends,
here would be the tips that you know I would
give you. I think I think it's important to when
you are able to to have an open heart to
new friends. It does take that. It takes you having
the ability to be open to getting to know other people,
(23:38):
be open to them getting to know you, to the
time it may take to get to know someone right.
I think, kind of similar to what you know we
were talking about with the hobby friend. It's okay to
not have to focus on the hard stuff when you
first meet a new friend. It's okay that it's surface
at first or for a while or whatever, just because
(23:58):
you're not getting in to the deep recesses of your
upbringing and traumas you may have experienced and things like that.
It doesn't mean that this couldn't be a valuable friend
in your life. You know, I'm a person who I
don't know. It's like I'm trying to describe myself here.
I'm like, I'm not sure if I'm a person who
wears my heart on my sleeve. But I can be
(24:20):
a person who just gets right down to it as
far as like what's happening in my life. Like I've
really had to learn to practice with friends going more slowly,
you know, with letting them get to know me and
not feeling like not feeling like, oh my gosh, I
just met you and I really like our vibe. So
now I want you to be in my life forever.
(24:41):
I need to catch you up on everything that ever
happened to me, you know, like the friends you have
that you have history with, you built that history slowly
over time, you know, and give your new friends the
same give them the same sort of grace or margin
that way. I do want to talk a little bit
about what happens when you're in a season of life
(25:04):
that you cannot do it with new friends. I think
it was Drake who had a song called no New Friends,
And when I first heard it, I was like, Wow,
why would he ever say that? And then I went
through a few I've gone through seasons a few times
myself where it is a season. I mean even actually,
I would say right now I'm in a season where,
(25:25):
because of things that are just happening in my life
right now, I'm not in a season where I can
cultivate new friendships right now. And I do think seasons
like that exist, and that's not a bad thing. You'll
have seasons in your life where you don't have capacity.
You'll have capacity to get to know someone else, you
don't have capacity to figure out how to kick it
with them, how to fold them into your life. And
(25:46):
I think it's important to acknowledge that and not feel
bad or burdened that that may be true for you.
The truth is, I think if you meet a new friend,
that could be a great new friend for you, and
you're in a season right now where you can't be friends.
If you have capacity to say, man, like I'd love
(26:07):
getting to know you and talking to you, like we
should hang out. But I'm gonna tell you right now,
things is wild in life right now. Give me, you know,
some time, I'll reach out, and if you are the
friend on the other side of that conversation, try to
hold space for the fact that people people are going
through a lot. People are going through a lot that
they may not tell you. People are going through a
(26:28):
lot that they may not even have capacity to explain
or tell you. And if you hear from a friend
of yours, hey like, I'm going through this, I'm processing this.
Give me time. When I'm ready, I'll reach out to you.
Let them reach out to you. Don't assume that because
such and such amount of days, weeks, months have gone by,
(26:49):
that you have to kind of be the one to
keep up with that. I've had some seasons where just
even my mental health was in a place where I
can't manage all the catchups. You know, I can't. I
can't do that right now for new friends. I don't
have the capacity for that at the moment. And so
when I say I will reach out to you, and
I have capacity, I will, but I don't know when.
(27:10):
I don't know if it's going to be two months
or six months or you know. And sometimes, to be truthful,
I've had some newer friends in life that what I
was going through I didn't even have capacity to say.
I don't have space for this right now. Let me
get in touch with you. You know, I think this
goes back to what we were talking about in some
(27:32):
other earlier Friendship episodes a few months ago in the
podcast maybe that was several months ago now, Really we
were talking about, you know, this idea that you know
you're going to have times that you don't you don't
have the capacity to communicate those things, and that is
sometimes how we either ghost friends or we have been ghosted.
(27:55):
And everybody hates to be ghosted, and plenty of people have,
you know, possibly not so great reasons that they ghost.
But I try to hold space for people that sometimes
people are ghosting not because they're bad people. Sometimes they're
ghosting because they literally don't have capacity to tell you
that it's too much right now, you know. So if
(28:15):
you are not able to have new friends right now
in your life, that's okay, that's okay, And don't put
pressure on yourself, don't do any of that, don't do
any of that. Just be where you are, Be in
the relationships you can be in, Be in the friendships
you can be in, and that's okay, you know. And
if you're a person who was looking forward to that
(28:36):
new friendship and you can kind of feel that the
person may not have space or capacity. Try to give
them some margin, some grace, Try to give them that
bit of patience that says, hey, you know, we're friends.
We're going to be on each other's lives, you know,
and I will say about this. You know, if you
(28:56):
have a friend, you know, especially a new friend, and
you know, maybe they're going through something and they may
not feel comfortable to talk to you about it. If
they say that, it's okay for you to communicate to them,
because if they tell you like, please let me do this,
then let them. But if they have given you like
you might not hear from me, it's okay if you
(29:17):
write to me, just have the margin that you may
not hear from me. Right. I have found that the
most helpful text messages are ones that sound like this,
Hey been thinking about you. You've been on my mind.
No need to respond if you don't feel up to it.
Just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts.
People that have sent me, especially when I was going
(29:37):
through a really tough time, people that have sent me
funny links and been like, thought about you. When I
saw this, wanted to reach out and send it to you.
Hope it gives you a smile today. Again with the
no need to respond if you don't feel up to it.
You would be surprised how much that sentence does for people.
You would be surprised how much of a it could
(30:01):
give to a friend that may be struggling at the moment.
And if you're a person who likes to communicate like that,
you want people to know you care about them. That
type of message is I think could be more helpful
and better received. Then if you're if you're always asking
for something of them, even if you are like, well,
we're asking is pretty simple. Even if you're like, hey,
(30:22):
how are you? Pretty simple message, right. But if in
my world I'm super overwhelmed, I'm doing everything I can
to survive. I'm trying to keep my head above water, right,
I don't know how to answer that. If we're new
friends or if we're not, you know, close friends, it's
better to say, hey, thinking about you, checking on you,
(30:45):
what you wondering, how you are? You know, no pressure
to respond, no need to write back, give people those things,
you know. Part of friendship, interestingly is cultivating that communication,
and it's staying in touch just doing those things. But
sometimes a part of being a good friend is knowing
when to give space and when to hold it as well.
(31:08):
So we did it, y'all. Everyone needs that friend. I
am so thankful for my friends who are that friend
to me. I hope that if there's someone that came
to your mind or your heart, maybe you can reach
out to them, maybe you can hang out with them
if your schedules allow. But do what you can to
(31:28):
be a good friend. Do what you can to make
sure that the good friends in your life know you
appreciate them. And as a great reminder, my therapist has
reminded me of this as well. And also make sure
that you remember to be a good friend to yourself.
Talk to you later. Her with the Emina Brown is
(32:00):
produced by Matt Owen for Sol Graffiti Productions as a
part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and
review the podcast.
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