DELILAH DILEMMAS: Don't be quick to judge.

Solutions always seem so clear - if you're not in the thick of the dilemma. ~ Delilah

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey it's Delilah. Thank you for stopping by. I have
put together some of my favorite radio moments here to
share with you on our daily podcast. Every night on
my radio show, we have Delilah's dilemmas. We love them all.

(00:24):
When you call or you write with a situation that
you're in and you just need a little advice and direction,
we love them all, and today we wanted to share
some of them with you on Hey It's Delilah. Tonight's
Delilah's dilemma is one that I'm sure a lot of

(00:45):
people will instantly stand in judgment and proclaim they know
what's right and wrong. But trust me, until you've been
in this person's shoes as I have, you can't really
judge and you can't really know how tough it can be.
A listener that we are going to call Jane Wrights

(01:09):
not her real name. About five years ago, I met
a guy I managed to Delhi. He was my refrigeration
service tech. We became friends and shortly after realized we
were both in the same situation. We were married, unhappy,
and stuck because we have children. Over the past five years,
we started out as friends, but then our friendship became more,

(01:33):
it became intimate. My feelings have become very strong for
this man. When he's out of town, we're on the
phone eighteen out of twenty four hours a day, back
and forth, back and forth, back and forth. We always
have something to talk about. A few weeks ago, he
told me he wants to be with me and me alone.

(01:53):
We live in the same area, our kids play in
the same sports league. Our children all know each other
and get along great. My son respects him, actually treats
him better than he does his own father, and he
has shared with me that his daughter cares for me.
I'm not going to go into all the reasons that
my marriage failed, but it has failed, and at this

(02:14):
point I don't even want to try and save it.
I tried so hard for so many years. I have
three children, seventeen, fourteen, and nine. I'm confused, and I
have no one that I can get advice from. I
do know that the odds are against this working out,
because often the guy is going to leave his wife

(02:35):
and he never does leave. I know letting this happen
was wrong. I knew that from the beginning, and yet
I couldn't stop it. Now I find myself head over
heels in love with this man, and I know I
would be devastated if I lost him. Please, Delilah, can
you help me? I will be back with my best

(02:55):
words of advice to Jane not your real name, in
just a moment. Tonight's Delilah's dilemma comes from a woman
who began a friendship and it has turned into love,
and she has three children and the man she loves

(03:18):
lives in the same community and has children. And here's
what I'm going to say, Jane not your real name,
Before you make a commitment to this man, you need
to resolve your marriage. If your marriage is dead aside
from this relationship, if your marriage is dead and there

(03:40):
is no love and no respect, then go home and
end your marriage and be honest and do what you
need to do to resolve that situation. Do not do
it because of the situation that you're in, the relationship
that you're in. Do it because it's the right thing
to do. And you no longer want to be married

(04:04):
to somebody that you don't love and that doesn't love you.
Whether he chooses to end his marriage or not, isn't
the point. The point is you need to focus right now,
not on him, but on you and your children and
your life. You cannot build a future on him because
you don't know what's going on with him. You need

(04:25):
to go home and focus on your situation, you and
your children and what is best for you, and make
the decisions and do the hard work that needs to
be done, whether he's in your future or not. If
your marriage is this dead and this loveless, then you
know what you need to do and don't worry about

(04:48):
the future. The future will take care of itself. Tonight's
Delilah's Dilemma is from No Name. That's what she signed it.
No Name. She says, I've always listen to your Delilah's
Dilemma and thought would I ever need your opinion? Well, today, Delilah,
I do. I've been dating a guy since high school.

(05:09):
It's going to be about nine years soon. Our relationship
has had its ups and its downs, and the past
always seems to come back to haunt me. I don't
know why, but my boyfriend lies to me about his
ex girlfriends, saying one thing and doing another. And why

(05:30):
is he keeping them as his friend on Facebook and
not telling me. I'm confused because I love him with
all my heart. He's been my first and only boyfriend.
It breaks my heart and I'm afraid to love him.
I find it difficult when asked why we aren't even
engaged yet? Again, I'm so confused. Do you think I

(05:52):
am wasting my time? Signed? No Name? All right, no name?
I will share my mother's Elilah words with you. Coming
up next. Tonight's Delilah's dilemma is from no Name. Let

(06:15):
me understand this. You've been dating the same guy off
and on for nine years. He's the only guy you
have ever dated. You said he's your first and only boyfriend,
but you are not engaged after nine years. Furthermore, you
say he lies about ex girlfriends. So this means that
even though you have been true to the relationship and
faithful to the relationship, he hasn't more than once because

(06:38):
it's called ex girlfriends, not just ex girlfriend So here
we have a young woman totally committed to a young
man who's not committed at all, and you want to
know if you're wasting your time, Well, it depends what
do you hope to get out of this relationship. If
what you want is somebody that you love that you're

(06:59):
come terble around, that you know through and through that
you can hang out with, you have that you've known
him for nine years. But if you want a lifetime commitment,
a faithful partner, a family, if you want a more
traditional marriage and the kind of security that comes with that,

(07:24):
Not that marriage makes somebody secure, but the kind of
emotional security that comes with knowing he put a ring
on that finger and said, yes, I want to spend
my life with you and with you alone. You're not
going to get that from this man. He's proven that
over and over and over again. He does not want

(07:47):
the same level of intimacy and commitment that you do.
Does that make him a bad person? No? Does that
make him somebody that you shouldn't be involved with. Like
I said, it depends on what you want out of
the relationship, and you have to decide for yourself what
that is. If you want honesty, integrity, somebody fully committed

(08:08):
to you, If you want a traditional marriage and family,
somebody to sweep you off your feet, somebody who says
I can't live a day without you. That's not what
you've got, and you're going to have to let go
and move forward. If you can't let go, then you
need to accept that that's not what you're going to
have for your life. Partner. Good luck and God bless.

(08:37):
Tonight's Delilah's Dilemma is from a listener who says, Hello, Delilah.
My husband and I have been together for thirty three years.
We've raised four children, and we have eleven grandchildren. He
is a desert storm veteran and has had a lot
of depression over the years. I have always tried to
be supportive and understanding. I recently found out he's been

(09:01):
having an affair for nearly a year with a person
he knew from school years ago. I'm numb, I'm angry,
and i am hurt beyond words. I want to stay
with him, but my trust has been broken. Can it
be repaired? Please help me? Signed? So sad, so sad.

(09:25):
I will have my mother Delilah words coming up next.
Tonight's Delilah's Dilemma is from a woman who's been married
thirty three years, has a very big family, and just
found out her husband has been cheating for over a

(09:46):
year with an old friend. You say, I want to
stay with him, but my trust has been broken. Can
it be repaired? You're not the one who broke the trust,
so you cannot repair it. Is he regretful? Is he sorry?
Is he remorseful that he betrayed you for this past year?

(10:09):
Has he apologized? Has he made sincere amends or is
he just sorry he got caught? If he has made
sincere amends and has done everything in his power to
end the relationship, because this kind of an affair, an

(10:30):
affair that's gone on for you know, it wasn't a
one night stand. It wasn't a one time thing. He
has been in relationship with her, texting her, calling her,
sneaking out to see her, planning trips with her, meeting
her at events. He has an emotional investment. He has
partnered with her while still leading you to believe that

(10:55):
you two were partnered. So this isn't something that is
just like, oh, I'm sorry, you know, I got drunk,
it was one night thing, blah blah blah. No, he's
in a full blown relationship. So can the trust be repaired?
Yes it can, but he's the one that has to
repair it, not you. There was a bridge between your

(11:17):
heart and his heart for thirty three years. He blew
that bridge up, he destroyed it. You cannot cross that bridge.
There is no longer that connection between the two of
your souls unless he is willing to do the heavy
lifting to rebuild that bridge and build it stronger. And
if he is, then maybe you can keep your family intact.

(11:39):
If he's not willing to do that, then you need
to hold your head high and say I gave you
my best and now you can go on with your
life and your little girlfriend, and I will go on
with mine. Good luck and God bless you. I so
hope you have enjoyed these radio moments as much as

(12:00):
I enjoy bringing them to you. I'll share more with
you each weekend on Hey It's Delilah.