February 23, 2023 • 34 mins
"Carpet is nice. It's soft. And if you get the chance, you can shuffle your feet on it and shock your brother or your mom, or every once in a while you get static electricity and shock your cat. ” - Dulcé Sloan
“Cheap motels, they've done carpet dirty, and they've become a representative, an unwanted representative of the dirty carpet brand. ” - Josh Johnson
It’s carpet vs. hardwood floors this week on Hold Up with Daily Show correspondent Dulcé Sloan and writer Josh Johnson.
Click here for Dulcé’s tour dates: https://www.dulcesloan.com/tour
Click here for Josh’s tour dates: https://www.joshjohnsoncomedy.com/tour
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You've had a carpet burned as an adult, it's very easy.
All you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet
and slip a little, and it's it's all the risks.
Oh well, there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep,
there are other ways. And we'll just say there are
other ways there, there there are other there's really only
(00:20):
one other way that I know. Hey, everybody, welcome to
hold up. This is the show that is. It's really
just two people arguing about things that don't really matter,
but they mattered everyone, but not in a huge way.
(00:42):
It's not gonna affect your life that much at all. Um.
I'm Josh Johnson. I'm a writer for The Daily Show
and I'm a co host of the podcast. I'm joined
by Josday's Line Bridges of course, brother the other Daily Show.
(01:06):
I'm a standup comedian. I love Jesus, and one of
my favorite things to do is make Josh make the
face he's making right now. Today we're gonna be talking
your weenie me, weenie me, I've done nothing. I've done
(01:27):
nothing today. I'm not a weighty at all. All right,
I'm a chrome man. Okay, um, bis I Look, I'm
not one. I am not a weenie. Okay, I'm just
you remember that. Can you tell the streets, all right?
(01:49):
When they talk about me in the streets, I am
the whole dog, all right. I am not aweenie. Okay,
thank you. We're not gonna be talking about the streets today.
Today we're gonna be talking about the insides, all right.
We're talking about carpet versus hardwood floors. It didn't sound
(02:11):
that weird. I was talking about, not talking about the streets,
talking about the insides. It didn't sound weird. When when
you let it linger like that, it becomes weird. But
if no, no, no, no, no no, if you would
just go ahead and talk normal when it was normal,
it wouldn't be weird, you know. But when you leave
a silence in a room, it becomes weird. Oh yeah,
(02:35):
a hundred percent. Tell the people where you land on
this debate of carpet versus hardwood. I'm gonna have to say,
as someone whose hips and back have been suffering on
his hard ass floors. Wow, since I left the Great
(02:58):
State of Georgia because my mama's house at hardwood and carpet,
and I love being upstairs. It wasn't upstairs hardwood. So
many plays up. People are like, oh, carpets gross. Carpets
not gross. If you clean it, you mean nasty, Okay, okay.
Carpet is love is nice. It's soft, you know, and
(03:21):
if you get the chance, you can shuffle your feet
on it and and shock your brother or your mom
um or every once in a while you can uh
static electricity shock your cat, not on purpose or just
going to pick up the cat you've been on the
floor all day, or they shock you. That's interesting. A
(03:42):
cat miracle came up and she went zoom and we
were both very much caught off guard. Yeah, yeah, I
don't cat looking at its pause being like more powers.
There's a video of a cat or memory phone. Huh.
It's you know, they stepped down and it goes back
up and step down, back up, and at one point
(04:04):
the cats like walking backwards looking at his paw prints,
but then keep popping up and the cat just looks
at his paw He's like step step step the fuck
like he just looks at his hand, like, am I
not doing what I was based at doing? Cats also
have so much confidence that to see one be like
(04:25):
is it me is particularly is particularly insane, where usually
cats are like, no, I know better than water, all right,
I'm gonna go ahead and lick the back rather than
dipping in some water and actually clean it. I'm gonna
lick it until I feel like it's clean. That's the
(04:47):
amount of confidence that cats have, right, So for a
cat to look at its own Paul and be like,
maybe it's me, No, I don't. That does not happen
in nature. No, it's because there's no memory foam in nature.
It's wild because even humans are like, I'm just supposed
to bouncing this thing and then everything and I get
(05:08):
up and it's not shaped like me. Wow. Okay, so
I'm saying it's carpet is soft? Yeah yeah, yeah it
hard would be fucking up psychotical. I love when he
started a story like this as a boy back in
the day who his girl was cheating and he found
(05:29):
out from the bed brief Josh because the dude had
just left when he got there, Josh. And it wasn't
like a cartoon, It wasn't like a perfect imprint, but
it was just like, you don't take up that much
space on the bed, Josh, me shack shag rack a
(05:50):
bidding to go. Johnson, I will tell you, oh fucking while,
Josh Johnson, I can how does anyone I mean, it
was it was one of those things too where I'm
(06:11):
sure if he didn't think about it, it wasn't gonna
it wasn't gonna like really occur to him. But because
of the memory, fine, because of the memory foam. And
once again, not some perfect imprint, not some head to
toe foot you know, Looney Tune through a wall imprint,
not kool aid Man through your not No, not kool
(06:33):
aid Man in the mattress. I'm I'm saying it was
just too big of an intention coming back up off
the bed. So he knows who his shape is. He
knows what his shape is, and then he thought that
shape and said, oh, that's not that's not me. I
just walked in. That's not my backside. Yeah. Also, how
is there an invention if I haven't been here and
(06:57):
that dude just left. But yeah, carpet is also. Yeah,
you think carpets comfortable and everything. I'm with you, I'm
with you. What I am against is carpet in a bathroom.
That's a bad idea, that's wild and I've I've seen
it a couple times just in even This is the
wildest thing to me about about when people choose to
(07:21):
put carpet in and they do it in a bathroom
or they just do it in a place that doesn't
make a lot of sense. One of the reasons that
there's been a turn, there's been a turn this decade
against carpet onto my side, onto the hardwood floor side
of the argument is because cheap hotels, motels, Oh no,
(07:45):
they've they've done carpet dirty, and they become a representative
and unwanted representative of the carpet brand that this is
just covering something up, that this is just dirty. Now, yeah,
because they've done carpet dirty, meaning that if they've been
inappropriate to carpet, is that when they're doing carpet, the
carpet is dirty. The carpet's dirty, and it doesn't actually
(08:08):
I don't even know what you would call it. Someone
who actually does interior design would know what it is.
But I've never seen in a motel a carpet that
was flushed to the wall. It's either an inch short
so you see what the real floor looks like, or
it's like slightly riding up the wall in the corner
(08:30):
where you be staying. This is where it was staying.
This is where I'm staying. Now where you'd be staying.
Come on, you know what you you know by literal struggle,
I can't say. I mean, listen, I've been in a
hotel where there was a band aid stuck to the wall.
So I know you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, I know
(08:52):
it's talking. I'm not gonna say that. I haven't lived
this life. I haven't been in a smoking hotel room
in Middle Tennessee. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not
gonna tell it to allow myself what a will say.
I noticed that now cheaper hotels, one, it probably is
easier to maintain. If you're a cheap ass hotel, Yeah,
(09:18):
it's probably easier to maintain not having carpet one. Spills
are much easier to get in. Nothing's seeping down, Like
I can I see the motivation. The hotels are always
cold as shit and the floor is so slippery, Like
(09:40):
I'm never in a situation where I'm like, I wanted
to bust my ass today, Like I'm not that. I don't.
I don't know why, why I busted. My ass always
seems to be the option, like I just can't live,
you know what I mean, because the floors are so slippery.
It's like, Yeah, I've never wanted to meet Jesus like this.
(10:01):
I wanted, you know, on my sleep but a Christian
surrounded by my loved ones and one good enemy. Um.
I that that would be funny to just be on
your deathbed and look over at somebody and be like,
see how many people love me? Be my friend, Lace,
Lace Barrelui. She's an amazing comedian, she said. My sister.
(10:22):
She always says that when she died, she wants to
be on a funeral pire h pushed out like in
the middle of Lake Lanier, and she wants one of
her biggest enemies to roll out to this burning feed
her pyre lights a cigarette off of her burden body,
go bitch, and then roll back to shore. What kind
(10:47):
of what kind of life do you have to be
living to have the type of enemies with the upper
body strength to roll out to the middle of a
lake wild? Yeah, and not like not a leg that
can get a little choppy if it catches some wind. Yeah,
(11:09):
Lanier a death lake to start with. Ye already violating
the law by burning a body on this lake. M right.
But to have someone row out to your body light
of fire, bitch, And then honestly, also, this person is
your greatest enemy that have to agree to this. Yeah, yeah,
(11:30):
they have to hate you so much that they're like,
that's a great idea. Yeah, Like you know what, bitch,
I will come to your funeral. I'll bring my own oars.
It's like, yeah, she deserves to die. I hope she
burns a hell. Like that's that's what we're doing. My
thing is, I'll pitch you this real quick, love a pitch,
(11:52):
a love of pinch. I think that there's a stigma
on hardwood floors that they are what make you really
um bust ass and and crack skull and and um
a bang knee. Right, But let's not forget that carpet
(12:13):
is not innocent here. It's not some innocent bystander. It's
not some some sweet catch y'all. Oh you fail, let
me catch you on this soft carpet. No, it's not
all that. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
There's a dark side to carpet that y'all need to understand.
It's called carpet. No, no, y'all don't act like you
know though we are. All the carpet people that I
(12:33):
know want to act like they've never slid and burned. Okay,
it's been. First of all, I'm not a child, so
I don't think i've had That's not true. You've had
a carpet burned as an adult. It's very easy. All
you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet and
slip a little, and it's it's all the risks. I oh, well,
(12:55):
there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep, there
are other ways. And we'll just say there are other ways.
They're there, there are other there's really only one other
way that I know, really only one other way that
we will openly discussed. Yeah, there's really crazy, now that
(13:19):
I think about it. There are really only two ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then riding down the stairs and you know you
you're riding at you're riding down the stairs and you
you know whatever, your medium for sliding goes out from
underneath you. That's hid. That's the other way. That's the
only other way for everyone way, yes, e for every
(13:43):
one way to get carpet burns. On your knees. Now,
I do feel like the other thing is you brought
it up. There's a really great point the cleanliness and
the ability to keep these floors clean. Now, with a carpet,
you're gonna want to have not just a vacuum, but
(14:03):
you're gonna have the right vacuum for the texture of
carpet that you have. It's called the pile. The pile
the height of your car. Really Okay, yeah, I did
not know that a right so old vacuums. Remember that
knob that used to be on the front of like
those bags, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was for the pile.
Because if you had, like say, you had a carpet
(14:26):
that was just like a fade mmmmm, which is a
very short like look cut fade m you would have
town carpet mmmmm. Yeah, carpet would a lineup yeah with
some madges, mages, carpets manages sidebar. Can we talk about
the ineffectiveness of the carpet sweeper? Okay, Okay, I'm glad
(14:49):
someone finally brought up. It took about twenty years, but
finally someone has brought up something that's bothered me for decades.
My tired childhood they would be like, they give you
this thing, and I'm just the fuck is this for?
Like the amount of times you went over one mm
one thing? Yeah, one thing? The worst what you would
see somebody in a restaurant using when you're like, ma'am, ma'am, man,
(15:10):
it's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. You're gonna
spend your whole shift, You're a whole shift trying to
get them crumbs from underneath that type. You will have
one strong tricep and one regular tricep. If you keep going,
you're gonna be annoyed. You're gonna be You might as
well just mop. That's very funny. You might as well
mop the carpet for all the good that you're doing.
(15:37):
The way that um a carpet needs special care and attention.
If you're trying to keep it pristine, if you're trying
to keep it like the day you bought it for years,
you're gonna have to do a little bit more than
just like, oh, I bought a dice in vacuum and
you know, I guess we're good. You know. I remember
one of the punishments as a kid, M was cleaning
(15:59):
the half lean in the carpet and not being allowed
to use the vacuum, like having to sweep carpet. Yeah, yeah,
you ever just get punished with a puzzle. That's right.
And the thing is, but the secret is sweeping carpet. M.
It's swift. You can't like, you know, with the regular
Like on a hardwood floor, you take a broom, you
(16:19):
just slide across M. With a carpet, you really have
to just do very quick motions M to get it
all yeah, to get it all irritated and dusted up. Yeah, yeah,
you get all dusted up. That's why they started. Like
when Carpet Fresh came out, everybody's house smelled wild as
hell because Carpet Fresh smelled like something you put down
(16:41):
for a pet. Like it never smelled like, yeah, oh
now my house smells like a meadow. No, it's oh
you must have a dog. I also think that. So
we you know, we've talked about potential injury. We've talked
about cleanliness. Uh you know that hard wood wins that
one easy for easy mop, easy swiffer, you know, um,
(17:07):
but Swiftford now swiffer, we have to talk about swiftferd
changed the game. It did. Yeah, I will say before
so as someone who didn't grow up with a swiffer
the whole time, right the swiffer came later, there was
a true difference. That was one of the first products.
The swiffer was one of the first products that was
(17:29):
as easy to use as it actually looked in the commercial.
A lot of those commercials like to make it look
like they're making your life so much easier. The Swiffer
really came through and was like, no, you know, you
could just stand here. You got the whole thing. Just
stand here and do it. That's the whole thing right there.
And then it was like, okay, well here's basically it's like,
here's a Clarks, here's a baby white before your floor
(17:53):
right m. Also, and then when they got the Swiffer,
wet jet, nigger, m you're telling me with just two
double A batteries and some floor juice. I do feel
like it changed my perspective on cleaning too, because it
used to be when I had to sweep, I was like,
all right, now, I gotta get a guy, get under
(18:15):
the couch, got moved the couch, gotta sweep under here.
What I mean, I'm not even gonna find any pennies.
This is this is terrible. And then with the swiffer,
the way it attracted the dust, yes, the way that
it was like no, no, no, no, you've done enough.
Let me put in some work. I got you. I
want to touch on something now that I feel like
(18:37):
is uh. It's not always considered because you know, ideally
it's not gonna happen to you. But you know, you
and I. We live in New York. I know you're
blessed enough. I've been blessed enough to be in high floors,
but not everybody has that. You know, there are people
that live below us. There's people that live below other
people all the time. What would you rather your upstairs
(18:59):
neighbor have hardwood clanking and clanking and clanking and or carpet.
I feel like this is one of the things where
I have to concede a little bit where carpet. Carpet
comes in over hardwood. Hardwood takes an l when it
comes to neighbors, it really does. I am my other apartment.
I had a neighbor as I was recording a car
(19:22):
like Great North, and this person with vacuum every Friday.
But I didn't know what they were vacuuming. Yeah, because
we all had hardwood floors. Hmm, so what are you doing?
A maybe within their hardwood, they have some spaces. Might
(19:46):
those some of those woodpieces might have some spaces, like
some extra gaps in the teeth. And they got a
vacuumm out what I feel like. I was like, maybe
they had rugs, because the thing is, there's nothing to
stop you from running a vacuum over a hardwood floor.
I have a roomba. A roomba. Also, a roomba is
like if you gave puppies. It's like if you give
(20:07):
a puppy or a kitten a job, it's a roomba
mm hmm. Because they're like, oh, it maps your house. No,
the fucking doesn't. It runs into walls, yeah, and then
it runs in the wall until it runs out of power. Yeah.
It sucks up your floorboards until it can't fucks them
up no more. That's all. And it's like it's helpful
because like, I don't have to clean my floor now,
(20:29):
m LA, roomba is cleaning my floor. I get it.
It's great, But girl, put the bottle down wrong. The
way that you said put the bottle like, the way
that all this came together really was a mystery to
(20:54):
me until you because you went you you were saying
something else and that you just out of nowhere to say, girl,
put the bottle down. I was like, I was trying
to not with you. I was trying to be like, Okay,
maybe this is gonna be something. Yeah, yeah, being being
(21:15):
a roomba really just slamming a vacuum into walls, just
truly just really real stuntman energy. But I can't tell
you that that roomba, that roomba has fucked up three
of my pedicures. Oh because it ran over your foot
(21:35):
a stuff, I mean, in the most distress. So does it?
How does it work? Does it run into your foot fast?
How does that work? There's a little bit of speed
behind it. But it didn't just run into my foot.
It ran over my foot. Damn. I don't even know
they had that type of clearance. I did not either
(21:55):
until it chipped, like I mean always it's always chipping
a big toe or a baby job. I thought they
were really just sucking floor. And so the fact the
fact that it could go over that's terrifying. I think
it's got an alter rain setting. What did you say
an alterrain, so you think it has an alter so
(22:18):
to clean to clean the outside too, got a four
by four setting, so you would let it clean a mountain.
I think that they have adapted it to where because
it's like it has to be able to go up
things because as we go up on the carpet go
down to the floor, and I think it's going over stairs,
but it has to deal with like probably different heights
(22:39):
of things. Okay, so like fuck it, let's just put
a four by four in this bitch. All right, what
do you mean? I didn't say anything. I said, all right,
how did it? If not? How if not? Me? When
I feel like there's a huge amount of middle ground
between you what you just proposed at what it's actually doing,
(23:04):
the way that you're the way that you're being, Like,
if it's not that, then what could it be? Is
it is not correct to me? Are you a scientist?
This is what? This is what happens You catch somebody
in a wild projection and then they immediately turned on you.
(23:25):
Are you an engineer? I'm just asking, nigger, are you
a scientist? Okay? I want answer. We are? Yeah, But
the fact that we both don't know doesn't mean one
of us definitely knows. But you talking from a place
so that you thought you might know. No, I'm talking
(23:47):
from a place where that does sound right. You always
do this to me. I always do what You always
do this to me. You make you sound like that
I'm saying the wild thing, making it sound like hock about,
(24:10):
making it sound like yes, making it sound as if
it is not wild that you said that under the rum,
but is all terrade. I'm just saying, I don't know
why to put a four by four nitch. I mean,
there's truly no way to me, at least, no way
(24:33):
that carpet comes out on top of hard wood. I
think that hardwood has laid down a literal foundation for
a beautiful and picturesque home. I think that carpet sometimes
it's very easy for carpet to be ruined. Let's talk
(24:53):
about ruined for a second. Let's talk about damage. Because
you really got to burn hardwoods, you really out a
smash hardwood. Girl I was friends with was having like
a party at her parents' house and her little cousin
m HM went in the den with a red drink, okay,
(25:18):
and the carpet was like white like a light cream
white color. Can we just say very brave, very brave,
very brave of them, and all of us who were
like young adults so like late twenties, early thirties, all
went like, hey, hey, come back, come back, and then
her mom was like, oh, he's fine, and we went,
(25:42):
excuse me, I don't live there, this isn't my house.
But I was like, oh, I said, they look like
giving everybody flashbacks. We're not. We don't have to go
on a full tangent. But the bravery, the hubrists, the hubris,
the fucking, and then the thing we thought it was hubris,
but then she was like, no, he's okay. We weren't. No,
(26:02):
he's not. He can't be in there with that. And
not only that, she was like, no, he's fine. And
then my friend whose mom and whose house it was,
she was like, you wouldn't never let me in there,
and we were like, we wouldn't have been allowed. And
so because we all refused, like there was older adults
like parent age in there with food and drinks. Everybody
(26:24):
was in the like the twenties and thirties would not
go in the den unless somebody was like, We're like,
are you sure. Are you sure? Are you sure it's
okay for us to do this? Are you sure? Because
of course they had like barbecue or something. We all
refused to go in the living room because the other
issue at played because we were traumatized. Yeah, that's the other.
(26:45):
We were truly fucking traumatized. We could not even handle
the idea. Imagine ruining a part of your house or
someone else's. That's someone else's. That's the position the carpet
can put you in. You can destroy a hardwood floor, Oh,
it's much harder. There's nothing you can do to a
hardwood floor that wouldn't also destroy a carpet floor. You
(27:07):
can't scratch carpet, yeah, but you can make a tear.
You can, But a tearing carpet is much easier to
fix than a tearing hardwood. You can fuck up a
hardwoo floor. You can gauge it, you can. You can
stay in a hardwood floor, just like you can stay
a carpet. It's easier to stay in a carpet than
it is to stay in a hardwood floor. But it
(27:28):
can be done. Now, I'll stay in for me in
my house, I would prefer carpet, just because like in
a hotel room. I understand not going to hard even
though whenever I'm in a hotel room that doesn't have carpet,
it's always I don't like that either. I don't understand
(27:49):
what cheaper hotels like. If I was thinking at a
cheap hotel, please have a hardwordfloor. Yeah, But if I'm
staying at the London in La bro come on, give
me some carpet, give me a nice luscious You're the
wildest place I've ever seen carpet. I was the Jamie
(28:11):
Foxx's house, okay, and this man had carpet outside that
went almost right up to the pool. That is that
is wild. I mean it's a brilliant thing though, because
that means when you're getting out of the pool and
you're you know, dripping on the floor, you're drying up
as you're walking, right, So I'm sure specific indoor carpet.
(28:33):
But the thing is it was the same color as
the carpet from the house. M oh, so it really
makes the pool feel like it's in the living room.
I got you or you know, it's a continuous thing
where you're like and it was the softest carpet I
ever been in my life. I don't know if they
put the foam underneath this outdoor carpet, but the steps
(28:53):
down to the pool area and then around the pool area,
it was like spongey sft, what they win? That's wild?
It was nice, but I'm like, this is a I
don't to attain those heights m because people are like,
what's luxury? Okay, yeah, what's luxury? How do you know
(29:15):
you've made it? Carpet, buy your pool, white carpet, buy
your pool. Come on, dog, that's kind of life made
people to live. Right before we go ahead and and
and kick it over to the listener, I want to
(29:37):
go over some of our pros and cons of each,
because I feel like that would be the most fair.
I feel like we both agreed that when it comes
to noise from upstairs neighbors, they could be they could
be noisy. But carpet has a clear advantage over hardwood.
A dulls some of the bouncing, some of the walking,
some of the dropping, you know, whereas a hardwood really
(29:59):
echoes cleaning. Hardwood's gonna be much easier to clean because
of squiffer, because of vacuums, because of brooms, and carpet
has a bit more upkeep in the cleaning department. We
talked about injuries and while injuries are gonna be more
likely on our hardwood, don't think you can't get burned
(30:20):
by carpet. It can happen. It can happen. We've all
been burned by carpet. Don't get it twisted. And the
last one is emotional. It is. It is an aesthetic thing.
It's literally what do you feel like, accompanies your ensemble,
the best your decore in the home appropriately and for
(30:41):
me it's hardwood. But for you, I see that it's carpet.
But we want to know from you the listener, what
do you do? What, what would you rather if you
don't have it? What do you like about what you have?
And what do you think about what we said? Okay,
you can let us know on any comment you can.
You can obviously listen to the show. You can you know,
(31:01):
let us know through daily show, through any hold up
um uh posts that you see. We check, We check
our comments and everything. So let us know. Hit us up,
write us a review, leave us um five stars, and
let us know how you feel about at least one
of us being right. Yeah, it's I can say, this
(31:23):
is the most salient argument we've had in a long
conversation we've been in a long time. Yeah, ourselvesans of us, Yeah,
kudos um. But also it's I think where this is
one where you I'm very proud of you because usually
(31:43):
get very attactful and oh okay, I get it. Okay,
all right, no, no, no, okay, all right. As long
as we've known each other, you're right. I V one,
I V one that that gets that gets a little
combative immediately, you know that comes that you sort of
sideways and stuff. That's that's me. I'm not saying m
(32:05):
hmm that I don't be saying stiff. Yeah. Just remember
who called who aweenie at the top of the episode,
talk about you proud of me? All right, okay, cool, cool,
cool cool? Oh wait, is this what gaslighting is? Oh?
I think yes, I smell gasoline. If you like any
(32:31):
of my little anecdotes, you should check out The Josh
Johnson Show. It's my other podcast. It also comes out
every Thursday, where if you get your podcasts and do
you have anything that you want to tell them before
we go due. I enjoy The Josh Johnson's Show. Listen
to my podcast. Hold up all right, Well, y'all have
(32:57):
a great rest of the day at a wonderful weekend.
We will catch you next time. See zee Zey sweeps swot.
Hey everybody, it's Josh here. I'm gonna be doing stand
up on the road as part of the Freshman Tour
March tenth and eleventh. I'll be in Kansas City at
(33:20):
the Kansas City Improv. You could get your tickets at
Improv KC dot com or in the link that we provide.
And then after that, I'm gonna be in Fort Collins
at the Comedy four March thirty first and April first.
It's not a joke. I'll really be there. You get
your tickets in the link that we provide or by
going to Comedy four Collins dot com and you can
(33:43):
catch Dulse. You can catch me in tomorrow with your daddy,
or I will be at the Grand Rappers Comedy Club
February twenty third to the twenty fifth, last, Seattle March
third to the fourth, and ann Arbor Comedy Showcase in
ann Arbor, Michigan March nine to the eleventh. So make
(34:04):
sure your mom is out holding your dad's hand, because
I'm a problem m
You've had a carpet burned as an adult, it's very easy.
All you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet
and slip a little, and it's it's all the risks.
Oh well, there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep,
there are other ways. And we'll just say there are
other ways there, there there are other there's really only
(00:20):
one other way that I know. Hey, everybody, welcome to
hold up. This is the show that is. It's really
just two people arguing about things that don't really matter,
but they mattered everyone, but not in a huge way.
(00:42):
It's not gonna affect your life that much at all. Um.
I'm Josh Johnson. I'm a writer for The Daily Show
and I'm a co host of the podcast. I'm joined
by Josday's Line Bridges of course, brother the other Daily Show.
(01:06):
I'm a standup comedian. I love Jesus, and one of
my favorite things to do is make Josh make the
face he's making right now. Today we're gonna be talking
your weenie me, weenie me, I've done nothing. I've done
(01:27):
nothing today. I'm not a weighty at all. All right,
I'm a chrome man. Okay, um, bis I Look, I'm
not one. I am not a weenie. Okay, I'm just
you remember that. Can you tell the streets, all right?
(01:49):
When they talk about me in the streets, I am
the whole dog, all right. I am not aweenie. Okay,
thank you. We're not gonna be talking about the streets today.
Today we're gonna be talking about the insides, all right.
We're talking about carpet versus hardwood floors. It didn't sound
(02:11):
that weird. I was talking about, not talking about the streets,
talking about the insides. It didn't sound weird. When when
you let it linger like that, it becomes weird. But
if no, no, no, no, no no, if you would
just go ahead and talk normal when it was normal,
it wouldn't be weird, you know. But when you leave
a silence in a room, it becomes weird. Oh yeah,
(02:35):
a hundred percent. Tell the people where you land on
this debate of carpet versus hardwood. I'm gonna have to say,
as someone whose hips and back have been suffering on
his hard ass floors. Wow, since I left the Great
(02:58):
State of Georgia because my mama's house at hardwood and carpet,
and I love being upstairs. It wasn't upstairs hardwood. So
many plays up. People are like, oh, carpets gross. Carpets
not gross. If you clean it, you mean nasty, Okay, okay.
Carpet is love is nice. It's soft, you know, and
(03:21):
if you get the chance, you can shuffle your feet
on it and and shock your brother or your mom
um or every once in a while you can uh
static electricity shock your cat, not on purpose or just
going to pick up the cat you've been on the
floor all day, or they shock you. That's interesting. A
(03:42):
cat miracle came up and she went zoom and we
were both very much caught off guard. Yeah, yeah, I
don't cat looking at its pause being like more powers.
There's a video of a cat or memory phone. Huh.
It's you know, they stepped down and it goes back
up and step down, back up, and at one point
(04:04):
the cats like walking backwards looking at his paw prints,
but then keep popping up and the cat just looks
at his paw He's like step step step the fuck
like he just looks at his hand, like, am I
not doing what I was based at doing? Cats also
have so much confidence that to see one be like
(04:25):
is it me is particularly is particularly insane, where usually
cats are like, no, I know better than water, all right,
I'm gonna go ahead and lick the back rather than
dipping in some water and actually clean it. I'm gonna
lick it until I feel like it's clean. That's the
(04:47):
amount of confidence that cats have, right, So for a
cat to look at its own Paul and be like,
maybe it's me, No, I don't. That does not happen
in nature. No, it's because there's no memory foam in nature.
It's wild because even humans are like, I'm just supposed
to bouncing this thing and then everything and I get
(05:08):
up and it's not shaped like me. Wow. Okay, so
I'm saying it's carpet is soft? Yeah yeah, yeah it
hard would be fucking up psychotical. I love when he
started a story like this as a boy back in
the day who his girl was cheating and he found
(05:29):
out from the bed brief Josh because the dude had
just left when he got there, Josh. And it wasn't
like a cartoon, It wasn't like a perfect imprint, but
it was just like, you don't take up that much
space on the bed, Josh, me shack shag rack a
(05:50):
bidding to go. Johnson, I will tell you, oh fucking while,
Josh Johnson, I can how does anyone I mean, it
was it was one of those things too where I'm
(06:11):
sure if he didn't think about it, it wasn't gonna
it wasn't gonna like really occur to him. But because
of the memory, fine, because of the memory foam. And
once again, not some perfect imprint, not some head to
toe foot you know, Looney Tune through a wall imprint,
not kool aid Man through your not No, not kool
(06:33):
aid Man in the mattress. I'm I'm saying it was
just too big of an intention coming back up off
the bed. So he knows who his shape is. He
knows what his shape is, and then he thought that
shape and said, oh, that's not that's not me. I
just walked in. That's not my backside. Yeah. Also, how
is there an invention if I haven't been here and
(06:57):
that dude just left. But yeah, carpet is also. Yeah,
you think carpets comfortable and everything. I'm with you, I'm
with you. What I am against is carpet in a bathroom.
That's a bad idea, that's wild and I've I've seen
it a couple times just in even This is the
wildest thing to me about about when people choose to
(07:21):
put carpet in and they do it in a bathroom
or they just do it in a place that doesn't
make a lot of sense. One of the reasons that
there's been a turn, there's been a turn this decade
against carpet onto my side, onto the hardwood floor side
of the argument is because cheap hotels, motels, Oh no,
(07:45):
they've they've done carpet dirty, and they become a representative
and unwanted representative of the carpet brand that this is
just covering something up, that this is just dirty. Now, yeah,
because they've done carpet dirty, meaning that if they've been
inappropriate to carpet, is that when they're doing carpet, the
carpet is dirty. The carpet's dirty, and it doesn't actually
(08:08):
I don't even know what you would call it. Someone
who actually does interior design would know what it is.
But I've never seen in a motel a carpet that
was flushed to the wall. It's either an inch short
so you see what the real floor looks like, or
it's like slightly riding up the wall in the corner
(08:30):
where you be staying. This is where it was staying.
This is where I'm staying. Now where you'd be staying.
Come on, you know what you you know by literal struggle,
I can't say. I mean, listen, I've been in a
hotel where there was a band aid stuck to the wall.
So I know you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, I know
(08:52):
it's talking. I'm not gonna say that. I haven't lived
this life. I haven't been in a smoking hotel room
in Middle Tennessee. I'm not gonna say that. I'm not
gonna tell it to allow myself what a will say.
I noticed that now cheaper hotels, one, it probably is
easier to maintain. If you're a cheap ass hotel, Yeah,
(09:18):
it's probably easier to maintain not having carpet one. Spills
are much easier to get in. Nothing's seeping down, Like
I can I see the motivation. The hotels are always
cold as shit and the floor is so slippery, Like
(09:40):
I'm never in a situation where I'm like, I wanted
to bust my ass today, Like I'm not that. I don't.
I don't know why, why I busted. My ass always
seems to be the option, like I just can't live,
you know what I mean, because the floors are so slippery.
It's like, Yeah, I've never wanted to meet Jesus like this.
(10:01):
I wanted, you know, on my sleep but a Christian
surrounded by my loved ones and one good enemy. Um.
I that that would be funny to just be on
your deathbed and look over at somebody and be like,
see how many people love me? Be my friend, Lace,
Lace Barrelui. She's an amazing comedian, she said. My sister.
(10:22):
She always says that when she died, she wants to
be on a funeral pire h pushed out like in
the middle of Lake Lanier, and she wants one of
her biggest enemies to roll out to this burning feed
her pyre lights a cigarette off of her burden body,
go bitch, and then roll back to shore. What kind
(10:47):
of what kind of life do you have to be
living to have the type of enemies with the upper
body strength to roll out to the middle of a
lake wild? Yeah, and not like not a leg that
can get a little choppy if it catches some wind. Yeah,
(11:09):
Lanier a death lake to start with. Ye already violating
the law by burning a body on this lake. M right.
But to have someone row out to your body light
of fire, bitch, And then honestly, also, this person is
your greatest enemy that have to agree to this. Yeah, yeah,
(11:30):
they have to hate you so much that they're like,
that's a great idea. Yeah, Like you know what, bitch,
I will come to your funeral. I'll bring my own oars.
It's like, yeah, she deserves to die. I hope she
burns a hell. Like that's that's what we're doing. My
thing is, I'll pitch you this real quick, love a pitch,
(11:52):
a love of pinch. I think that there's a stigma
on hardwood floors that they are what make you really
um bust ass and and crack skull and and um
a bang knee. Right, But let's not forget that carpet
(12:13):
is not innocent here. It's not some innocent bystander. It's
not some some sweet catch y'all. Oh you fail, let
me catch you on this soft carpet. No, it's not
all that. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
There's a dark side to carpet that y'all need to understand.
It's called carpet. No, no, y'all don't act like you
know though we are. All the carpet people that I
(12:33):
know want to act like they've never slid and burned. Okay,
it's been. First of all, I'm not a child, so
I don't think i've had That's not true. You've had
a carpet burned as an adult. It's very easy. All
you gotta do is catch yourself off some carpet and
slip a little, and it's it's all the risks. I oh, well,
(12:55):
there are other ways. There are other ways. Yep, there
are other ways. And we'll just say there are other ways.
They're there, there are other there's really only one other
way that I know, really only one other way that
we will openly discussed. Yeah, there's really crazy, now that
(13:19):
I think about it. There are really only two ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then riding down the stairs and you know you
you're riding at you're riding down the stairs and you
you know whatever, your medium for sliding goes out from
underneath you. That's hid. That's the other way. That's the
only other way for everyone way, yes, e for every
(13:43):
one way to get carpet burns. On your knees. Now,
I do feel like the other thing is you brought
it up. There's a really great point the cleanliness and
the ability to keep these floors clean. Now, with a carpet,
you're gonna want to have not just a vacuum, but
(14:03):
you're gonna have the right vacuum for the texture of
carpet that you have. It's called the pile. The pile
the height of your car. Really Okay, yeah, I did
not know that a right so old vacuums. Remember that
knob that used to be on the front of like
those bags, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was for the pile.
Because if you had, like say, you had a carpet
(14:26):
that was just like a fade mmmmm, which is a
very short like look cut fade m you would have
town carpet mmmmm. Yeah, carpet would a lineup yeah with
some madges, mages, carpets manages sidebar. Can we talk about
the ineffectiveness of the carpet sweeper? Okay, Okay, I'm glad
(14:49):
someone finally brought up. It took about twenty years, but
finally someone has brought up something that's bothered me for decades.
My tired childhood they would be like, they give you
this thing, and I'm just the fuck is this for?
Like the amount of times you went over one mm
one thing? Yeah, one thing? The worst what you would
see somebody in a restaurant using when you're like, ma'am, ma'am, man,
(15:10):
it's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. You're gonna
spend your whole shift, You're a whole shift trying to
get them crumbs from underneath that type. You will have
one strong tricep and one regular tricep. If you keep going,
you're gonna be annoyed. You're gonna be You might as
well just mop. That's very funny. You might as well
mop the carpet for all the good that you're doing.
(15:37):
The way that um a carpet needs special care and attention.
If you're trying to keep it pristine, if you're trying
to keep it like the day you bought it for years,
you're gonna have to do a little bit more than
just like, oh, I bought a dice in vacuum and
you know, I guess we're good. You know. I remember
one of the punishments as a kid, M was cleaning
(15:59):
the half lean in the carpet and not being allowed
to use the vacuum, like having to sweep carpet. Yeah, yeah,
you ever just get punished with a puzzle. That's right.
And the thing is, but the secret is sweeping carpet. M.
It's swift. You can't like, you know, with the regular
Like on a hardwood floor, you take a broom, you
(16:19):
just slide across M. With a carpet, you really have
to just do very quick motions M to get it
all yeah, to get it all irritated and dusted up. Yeah, yeah,
you get all dusted up. That's why they started. Like
when Carpet Fresh came out, everybody's house smelled wild as
hell because Carpet Fresh smelled like something you put down
(16:41):
for a pet. Like it never smelled like, yeah, oh
now my house smells like a meadow. No, it's oh
you must have a dog. I also think that. So
we you know, we've talked about potential injury. We've talked
about cleanliness. Uh you know that hard wood wins that
one easy for easy mop, easy swiffer, you know, um,
(17:07):
but Swiftford now swiffer, we have to talk about swiftferd
changed the game. It did. Yeah, I will say before
so as someone who didn't grow up with a swiffer
the whole time, right the swiffer came later, there was
a true difference. That was one of the first products.
The swiffer was one of the first products that was
(17:29):
as easy to use as it actually looked in the commercial.
A lot of those commercials like to make it look
like they're making your life so much easier. The Swiffer
really came through and was like, no, you know, you
could just stand here. You got the whole thing. Just
stand here and do it. That's the whole thing right there.
And then it was like, okay, well here's basically it's like,
here's a Clarks, here's a baby white before your floor
(17:53):
right m. Also, and then when they got the Swiffer,
wet jet, nigger, m you're telling me with just two
double A batteries and some floor juice. I do feel
like it changed my perspective on cleaning too, because it
used to be when I had to sweep, I was like,
all right, now, I gotta get a guy, get under
(18:15):
the couch, got moved the couch, gotta sweep under here.
What I mean, I'm not even gonna find any pennies.
This is this is terrible. And then with the swiffer,
the way it attracted the dust, yes, the way that
it was like no, no, no, no, you've done enough.
Let me put in some work. I got you. I
want to touch on something now that I feel like
(18:37):
is uh. It's not always considered because you know, ideally
it's not gonna happen to you. But you know, you
and I. We live in New York. I know you're
blessed enough. I've been blessed enough to be in high floors,
but not everybody has that. You know, there are people
that live below us. There's people that live below other
people all the time. What would you rather your upstairs
(18:59):
neighbor have hardwood clanking and clanking and clanking and or carpet.
I feel like this is one of the things where
I have to concede a little bit where carpet. Carpet
comes in over hardwood. Hardwood takes an l when it
comes to neighbors, it really does. I am my other apartment.
I had a neighbor as I was recording a car
(19:22):
like Great North, and this person with vacuum every Friday.
But I didn't know what they were vacuuming. Yeah, because
we all had hardwood floors. Hmm, so what are you doing?
A maybe within their hardwood, they have some spaces. Might
(19:46):
those some of those woodpieces might have some spaces, like
some extra gaps in the teeth. And they got a
vacuumm out what I feel like. I was like, maybe
they had rugs, because the thing is, there's nothing to
stop you from running a vacuum over a hardwood floor.
I have a roomba. A roomba. Also, a roomba is
like if you gave puppies. It's like if you give
(20:07):
a puppy or a kitten a job, it's a roomba
mm hmm. Because they're like, oh, it maps your house. No,
the fucking doesn't. It runs into walls, yeah, and then
it runs in the wall until it runs out of power. Yeah.
It sucks up your floorboards until it can't fucks them
up no more. That's all. And it's like it's helpful
because like, I don't have to clean my floor now,
(20:29):
m LA, roomba is cleaning my floor. I get it.
It's great, But girl, put the bottle down wrong. The
way that you said put the bottle like, the way
that all this came together really was a mystery to
(20:54):
me until you because you went you you were saying
something else and that you just out of nowhere to say, girl,
put the bottle down. I was like, I was trying
to not with you. I was trying to be like, Okay,
maybe this is gonna be something. Yeah, yeah, being being
(21:15):
a roomba really just slamming a vacuum into walls, just
truly just really real stuntman energy. But I can't tell
you that that roomba, that roomba has fucked up three
of my pedicures. Oh because it ran over your foot
(21:35):
a stuff, I mean, in the most distress. So does it?
How does it work? Does it run into your foot fast?
How does that work? There's a little bit of speed
behind it. But it didn't just run into my foot.
It ran over my foot. Damn. I don't even know
they had that type of clearance. I did not either
(21:55):
until it chipped, like I mean always it's always chipping
a big toe or a baby job. I thought they
were really just sucking floor. And so the fact the
fact that it could go over that's terrifying. I think
it's got an alter rain setting. What did you say
an alterrain, so you think it has an alter so
(22:18):
to clean to clean the outside too, got a four
by four setting, so you would let it clean a mountain.
I think that they have adapted it to where because
it's like it has to be able to go up
things because as we go up on the carpet go
down to the floor, and I think it's going over stairs,
but it has to deal with like probably different heights
(22:39):
of things. Okay, so like fuck it, let's just put
a four by four in this bitch. All right, what
do you mean? I didn't say anything. I said, all right,
how did it? If not? How if not? Me? When
I feel like there's a huge amount of middle ground
between you what you just proposed at what it's actually doing,
(23:04):
the way that you're the way that you're being, Like,
if it's not that, then what could it be? Is
it is not correct to me? Are you a scientist?
This is what? This is what happens You catch somebody
in a wild projection and then they immediately turned on you.
(23:25):
Are you an engineer? I'm just asking, nigger, are you
a scientist? Okay? I want answer. We are? Yeah, But
the fact that we both don't know doesn't mean one
of us definitely knows. But you talking from a place
so that you thought you might know. No, I'm talking
(23:47):
from a place where that does sound right. You always
do this to me. I always do what You always
do this to me. You make you sound like that
I'm saying the wild thing, making it sound like hock about,
(24:10):
making it sound like yes, making it sound as if
it is not wild that you said that under the rum,
but is all terrade. I'm just saying, I don't know
why to put a four by four nitch. I mean,
there's truly no way to me, at least, no way
(24:33):
that carpet comes out on top of hard wood. I
think that hardwood has laid down a literal foundation for
a beautiful and picturesque home. I think that carpet sometimes
it's very easy for carpet to be ruined. Let's talk
(24:53):
about ruined for a second. Let's talk about damage. Because
you really got to burn hardwoods, you really out a
smash hardwood. Girl I was friends with was having like
a party at her parents' house and her little cousin
m HM went in the den with a red drink, okay,
(25:18):
and the carpet was like white like a light cream
white color. Can we just say very brave, very brave,
very brave of them, and all of us who were
like young adults so like late twenties, early thirties, all
went like, hey, hey, come back, come back, and then
her mom was like, oh, he's fine, and we went,
(25:42):
excuse me, I don't live there, this isn't my house.
But I was like, oh, I said, they look like
giving everybody flashbacks. We're not. We don't have to go
on a full tangent. But the bravery, the hubrists, the hubris,
the fucking, and then the thing we thought it was hubris,
but then she was like, no, he's okay. We weren't. No,
(26:02):
he's not. He can't be in there with that. And
not only that, she was like, no, he's fine. And
then my friend whose mom and whose house it was,
she was like, you wouldn't never let me in there,
and we were like, we wouldn't have been allowed. And
so because we all refused, like there was older adults
like parent age in there with food and drinks. Everybody
(26:24):
was in the like the twenties and thirties would not
go in the den unless somebody was like, We're like,
are you sure. Are you sure? Are you sure it's
okay for us to do this? Are you sure? Because
of course they had like barbecue or something. We all
refused to go in the living room because the other
issue at played because we were traumatized. Yeah, that's the other.
(26:45):
We were truly fucking traumatized. We could not even handle
the idea. Imagine ruining a part of your house or
someone else's. That's someone else's. That's the position the carpet
can put you in. You can destroy a hardwood floor, Oh,
it's much harder. There's nothing you can do to a
hardwood floor that wouldn't also destroy a carpet floor. You
(27:07):
can't scratch carpet, yeah, but you can make a tear.
You can, But a tearing carpet is much easier to
fix than a tearing hardwood. You can fuck up a
hardwoo floor. You can gauge it, you can. You can
stay in a hardwood floor, just like you can stay
a carpet. It's easier to stay in a carpet than
it is to stay in a hardwood floor. But it
(27:28):
can be done. Now, I'll stay in for me in
my house, I would prefer carpet, just because like in
a hotel room. I understand not going to hard even
though whenever I'm in a hotel room that doesn't have carpet,
it's always I don't like that either. I don't understand
(27:49):
what cheaper hotels like. If I was thinking at a
cheap hotel, please have a hardwordfloor. Yeah, But if I'm
staying at the London in La bro come on, give
me some carpet, give me a nice luscious You're the
wildest place I've ever seen carpet. I was the Jamie
(28:11):
Foxx's house, okay, and this man had carpet outside that
went almost right up to the pool. That is that
is wild. I mean it's a brilliant thing though, because
that means when you're getting out of the pool and
you're you know, dripping on the floor, you're drying up
as you're walking, right, So I'm sure specific indoor carpet.
(28:33):
But the thing is it was the same color as
the carpet from the house. M oh, so it really
makes the pool feel like it's in the living room.
I got you or you know, it's a continuous thing
where you're like and it was the softest carpet I
ever been in my life. I don't know if they
put the foam underneath this outdoor carpet, but the steps
(28:53):
down to the pool area and then around the pool area,
it was like spongey sft, what they win? That's wild?
It was nice, but I'm like, this is a I
don't to attain those heights m because people are like,
what's luxury? Okay, yeah, what's luxury? How do you know
(29:15):
you've made it? Carpet, buy your pool, white carpet, buy
your pool. Come on, dog, that's kind of life made
people to live. Right before we go ahead and and
and kick it over to the listener, I want to
(29:37):
go over some of our pros and cons of each,
because I feel like that would be the most fair.
I feel like we both agreed that when it comes
to noise from upstairs neighbors, they could be they could
be noisy. But carpet has a clear advantage over hardwood.
A dulls some of the bouncing, some of the walking,
some of the dropping, you know, whereas a hardwood really
(29:59):
echoes cleaning. Hardwood's gonna be much easier to clean because
of squiffer, because of vacuums, because of brooms, and carpet
has a bit more upkeep in the cleaning department. We
talked about injuries and while injuries are gonna be more
likely on our hardwood, don't think you can't get burned
(30:20):
by carpet. It can happen. It can happen. We've all
been burned by carpet. Don't get it twisted. And the
last one is emotional. It is. It is an aesthetic thing.
It's literally what do you feel like, accompanies your ensemble,
the best your decore in the home appropriately and for
(30:41):
me it's hardwood. But for you, I see that it's carpet.
But we want to know from you the listener, what
do you do? What, what would you rather if you
don't have it? What do you like about what you have?
And what do you think about what we said? Okay,
you can let us know on any comment you can.
You can obviously listen to the show. You can you know,
(31:01):
let us know through daily show, through any hold up
um uh posts that you see. We check, We check
our comments and everything. So let us know. Hit us up,
write us a review, leave us um five stars, and
let us know how you feel about at least one
of us being right. Yeah, it's I can say, this
(31:23):
is the most salient argument we've had in a long
conversation we've been in a long time. Yeah, ourselvesans of us, Yeah,
kudos um. But also it's I think where this is
one where you I'm very proud of you because usually
(31:43):
get very attactful and oh okay, I get it. Okay,
all right, no, no, no, okay, all right. As long
as we've known each other, you're right. I V one,
I V one that that gets that gets a little
combative immediately, you know that comes that you sort of
sideways and stuff. That's that's me. I'm not saying m
(32:05):
hmm that I don't be saying stiff. Yeah. Just remember
who called who aweenie at the top of the episode,
talk about you proud of me? All right, okay, cool, cool,
cool cool? Oh wait, is this what gaslighting is? Oh?
I think yes, I smell gasoline. If you like any
(32:31):
of my little anecdotes, you should check out The Josh
Johnson Show. It's my other podcast. It also comes out
every Thursday, where if you get your podcasts and do
you have anything that you want to tell them before
we go due. I enjoy The Josh Johnson's Show. Listen
to my podcast. Hold up all right, Well, y'all have
(32:57):
a great rest of the day at a wonderful weekend.
We will catch you next time. See zee Zey sweeps swot.
Hey everybody, it's Josh here. I'm gonna be doing stand
up on the road as part of the Freshman Tour
March tenth and eleventh. I'll be in Kansas City at
(33:20):
the Kansas City Improv. You could get your tickets at
Improv KC dot com or in the link that we provide.
And then after that, I'm gonna be in Fort Collins
at the Comedy four March thirty first and April first.
It's not a joke. I'll really be there. You get
your tickets in the link that we provide or by
going to Comedy four Collins dot com and you can
(33:43):
catch Dulse. You can catch me in tomorrow with your daddy,
or I will be at the Grand Rappers Comedy Club
February twenty third to the twenty fifth, last, Seattle March
third to the fourth, and ann Arbor Comedy Showcase in
ann Arbor, Michigan March nine to the eleventh. So make
(34:04):
sure your mom is out holding your dad's hand, because
I'm a problem m
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