December 15, 2022 • 48 mins
“As someone who believes in whimsy, as someone who loves wonder, as someone who believes that a childhood has some magic in it, I think that Santa is a good starter lesson.” - Josh Johnson
“Lesson in what? Adults will lie to you?” - Dulcé Sloan
In this Holiday themed episode of Hold Up, Daily Show correspondent Dulcé Sloan and writer Josh Johnson debate whether parents should tell their kids the truth about Santa Claus or not?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, everybody, welcome to hold up the show. That's a
lot about a little It's it's we go back and
forth quite a bit over things that we care about
that maybe you've never even thought about like that, which
is fine because these aren't big deals, these aren't life
changing events, these aren't world altering global topics. It's just uh,
(00:26):
your co host Josh Johnson talking to your other co hosts.
Those says long. And what we haven't talked about is
my brand new nose ring bam bam m nose rings.
I wanted to nose rinks since I was fourteen years old,
and I could not get one because of acting and
modeling and stuff. But now your girl has an established career.
(00:49):
So if I want to put a piece of metal
in my face, like shot through the nostrils, it's all
up to you. Bro hurt so bad apparently, Oh my god,
And like I bled a lot because she was saying,
like I was bleeding, and she was like, were you
drinking yesterday? And I was like yes. Apparently that's why
(01:12):
you're not supposed to get like piercings or tattoos when
you're That's why you can't when you're drunk. Because it
makes you bleed more because your blood stead I am.
I am indeed happy for you. I'm just glad any
time childhood dream can come true. You know, it hurts
so much and I got so overwhelmed. But while she
was in the middle of do it, she was like,
I'm proud of you, and for some reason, oh my god,
(01:35):
I'm gonna cheer up again. It's like it made me
feel so much better because she was like, I'm proud
of you. You did a good job. I love you.
You're doing a good job. And I was like, and
all of it, because, like you, it's it's so much
pain at once and it's your face, so you just
freak the funk out for like a second. But she
was like, you're doing a good job. I'm so proud
of you. And so to be in that moment where
(01:56):
I'm that much pain, but then for somebody to like
be very comforting and sweet, it like really just kind
of almost reset my brain a little bit. Her name
is Genie. It's lived by the Sword tattoo. Okay, well, yeah,
shout out to her and doing a great job and
(02:17):
making you feel comfortable, making you feel seen and loved
and held you know, yeah, because she called herself the
gentle piercon and I was like, there's still a needle
going through my nose um, but now I get it, Like, oh,
it was really nice. And then she found some studs
for my second hole in my hair. Because these ships,
you know, when you get something done in a flea market,
you know, you get what you pay for it. You'd
(02:37):
have thought they would have healed up by the time
I got out of the ninth grade. But hey man,
we're all out here doing our best. I think if
you are about to get a flea market tattoo, though,
any any person out here listening to the podcast thinking
about getting a tattoo from your local flea market, you know,
right after you go to the farmer's market, I would say,
(02:59):
maybe maybe hold up on that. Take a second, take
a second to think about it. Think about if the
artwork you want done can be done by anybody else
that's an actual tattoo shop. Now, not to say somebody
who's in a flea market is not good, No, no,
it's not about them being good. It's about them having
the proper tool. You know what it's like. It's like
(03:21):
when you're watching a mob movie. All right, and the
person that that the mob is after, or the other
mob is after, i should say, or even the police.
The person that's in the mob gets all shot up
by somebody and then they take them to the mob
doctor's house. And the mob doctor always has the same speeches,
like why you come my home. It's like, well, sir,
we know where you live, and we were in a hurry. Okay,
(03:43):
so we've been here six times this week. Yeah, but
they're like, why did you come to my home? And
I can't do it here. He needs real surgery. We
got to go to a hospital. That's all I'm saying.
That mob doctor is still a doctor. He's a but
he's still a doctor, you know. But he cannot with
the tools he has available to him, do his job
(04:04):
to the best of his ability. But if I have
a booth in the flea market, because I've seen tattoo
artists in a flea marketing before, they have all of
the same tools that you'll see, Okay, I mean I've
never got a tattooed before, so maybe it's all the
same stuff. It's just a machine, my friend, the tattoo
I have on my hand. M wait, no, as someone
(04:27):
who knows you. I know the tattoo you're talking about.
But Josh Johnson, were running enough tangents today. I think
it's time for us to talk about the topic at hand.
The topic at hand is Santa Clause, Santa Claus old
st Nick Chris motherfucking Cringo himself. And I know the
(04:52):
audience is one of the Wait a minute, I they're
talking about that, they're Santa Claus. We can't be talking
about whether he's real or not because we already The
question is should we be telling the children about this
man or not? That is the question. So Josh Johnson
telling the people what side you fall on when it
(05:14):
comes to the existence of Santa Claus. Should we be
telling the children or not? Because he was ready to go.
You was trained to go as someone who believes in whimsy,
as someone who loves wonder. You try to act like
I don't love Whimsey and wonder wow the attacks as
(05:36):
someone who believes in magic. We're both friends with Matt Richards,
so yes, we were believing in magic. One who who
believes that a childhood has some magic in it has
(05:58):
some in childhood, Josh, the whole childhood, you know? Um,
I think that's Santa is a good starter lesson. I
think it's a I think it's worthwhile endeavor less than
(06:19):
in what adults will lie to you? Yes, that that too,
what's your lesson? Because my lesson is adults will lot
to you? I mean, adults will lie to you is
a great one. That's no one is disputing that like that.
Let's get that one out the way, all right. You
looked into the eyes of a child and you lied
(06:39):
your face. Hey, so now when this child, instead of
being two, is twenty two and there's another growth person
in their face, try to lie. They'll be like, I
remember this, I've been living through this for two decades.
All right, I'm ready. I'm prepped. Okay, in your world
with no practice, they'd be like, oh yeah, sure, you
(07:00):
mus owned this house as a poetry major, you know
what I mean. So then that's my thing is that
you know, it helps it helps instill a sense of
how the world works. I think it introduces fantasy in
a way that it is both fun and has stakes,
you know, and has a payoff at the end. Okay,
(07:23):
once again, incorrect. I remember telling us some evil woman
that I used to work with, not evil hateful, hateful
little woman that I used to work with that when
I was growing up, because it was like around Christmas
time or whatever. And I said, when I was growing up,
you know, my mom never told us to saying it
(07:47):
was real. She didn't tell us he wasn't real, but
she never said that he was and he was. She
was like, oh you. She tried to tell me that
I had a bad childhood because my mother didn't tell
me that some fictional white man was breaking into our
house to bring me presents. And I was like, you
(08:08):
think my entire childhood it was bad for this one.
Let me let me get up because I almost said
something that was gonna get me in a fight that day.
There's so many other things that happened, Like I didn't
grow up with a father. You think that affected Santa Claus.
You think Santa Claus was partiplately. That's what you think
took my childhood out? Was one nigga once a year
(08:33):
claiming to do something that he didn't do. But look,
did you ever did you ever wonder what it would
have been like to sit in Santa's lap and tell
him what you wanted and then get it. I would
have what I wondered more what it would have been
like to sit in my father's lap and tell him
what I wanted to get it fair enough, your father
(08:56):
is supposed to be there every day Santa comes, but
once a year. Yeah, the thing is As a child,
I never I never believed in it because it never
made any sense to me. Well, on top of it,
this this is the other thing too, because you run
(09:16):
into this when you're trying to tell the story of Santa. Uh.
Two children, who are you know, inquisitive? Some would say precocious,
not stupid. Wow. I took gifted classes starting from ten
years old. I was never a dumb child. I learned
(09:38):
how to read because my cousin could read. Because this
is this is the most fucked up part about this
Santa thing. Plenty of children and go, hey, it doesn't
make any sense that this man is on a slag
being pulled by livestock, by fucking dear across the planet
dropping off presents, right, didn't even have to do the same.
(10:00):
And a tracker on the fucking news. And you know,
I've always wondered what they do all the letters that
people send out m because I'm sure they just burn
them at the end of the they can't keep them.
There's just too much space. Right was burning and they saying,
I hope they burned them. They had some shred them,
turn them into more paper. Help somebody, right. So the
(10:20):
thing that was always the most deceptive of the De
Santa ship is that you would have a child going
this doesn't make any sense. This can't be real, and
then an adult goes, yes, it is, and the child's like,
wait a minute, how did but how does he get
across the world? It's magic what I would listen. I
could believe in Bigfoot before I could believe in Santa Claus.
(10:43):
Once again, more practice, alright, because as an adult, right now,
you know that there are things that logically, as a
smart person you look at and you're like, this doesn't
make sense. But it is what it is, isn't it.
And now you're learning I live in a world where
things don't make sense. They don't make sense. We both
(11:05):
know they don't make sense. You and I have discussed
things where we're like, yo, are we all the same page?
Doesn't make it and you're like, yes, but it is
what it is. And then you're now learning to cope
in a world that doesn't make sense. That is unfair
and full of lies, right, But the other thing is
(11:26):
is that you're giving us a thing. You're giving us
a lie that's not even attached to It's like as
a child could never figure out what Santa Claus had
to do with the birth of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ. M h. It would have been more sense
to me if the three kings that came and brought
presents to the baby Jesus came to children to give
(11:51):
them presents. And I under I know the whole thing
is St. Nicholas. We've all seen that fucking what is
it claymation stop motion. We've all said, right, yeah, So
one dude, and I don't know where, was it the
Netherlands or sucking one of them places, somewhere cold, somewhere
cold and white, gave children presents and then all of
(12:11):
a sudden we were like yeah, and then he did
it to the whole world, like no, that doesn't make
any sense. So for me, it's this myth came about
because one, one white man did one thing and we
can't forget like Columbus, and so instead of just him
being one of the many in the Pantheon of Saints.
(12:33):
M Now we're sitting on putting our children and growing
men's laps and malls. Who came up with going to
the mall? Santa? Who came up with the mall? Santa?
Why do they have to sit in his lap? Who
is this pervert that came up with this? You knew
what I was gonna say. You knew what I I was
gonna do? You know I knew you were going to say.
(12:55):
I this is what I will say. Okay, how about this?
I stinned another olive branch. That is not so much
about the telling as it is about the employability. Okay,
let's be honest. You see a dude who look exactly
like Santa spitting him into Santa? Right, I don't really
(13:19):
have a job, doesn't really have a bunch of going
on in his life. Okay, why not at least let
him get some seasonal work. This man who was not
able to sustain himself the other eleven months of the year,
You in some Santa work in November? Yeah, eleven and
(13:43):
a half month. You have to start with Yeah, Yeah,
to start with Thanksgiving eleven and a half months. Yeah,
Disney ain't got it. Okay, but but because he doesn't
have it, let's give him something. Let's give him something
to do. You you out here, you're you're old, all right,
(14:04):
You got you got a bellowing voice that nobody can
really tell where your diaphragm is. Your diaphragm is in
your foot. You got a big beer because no matter
how much you cut your hair, it just spring. You
don't even get five o'clock shadow. Okay, you get six
o'clock nightfall, all right, every day. And you got a
(14:26):
rosy cheeks and a button nose and all other ship. Listen,
I get it. Maybe you're an alcoholic. Maybe it's because
they have, you know, they have a taste for the
four local, or taste for the malt liquor. Maybe they
just have something that gets things a bit a bit
rosy in the cheeks. You don't want is an elderly
(14:47):
white man local. No, No, it's a problem. Did you
say you'd rather hee Drake crack Crown. Oh I thought
you said Drake crack Gota. It's like incredible. I mean,
(15:07):
an old white man built like Santa Drink and Crack
would be a holiday miracle. He'd be called people write dates,
he'd be like dash your dancer, get over here, get
over real quick. Sir again, my name is Kevin. Yeah,
(15:29):
so my name is Officer Will Gibbs. Okay, Rudolph, listen,
it's Santa. You know it's you know this regular tropes.
You know Santa employs child labor. I get it. I
don't have a problem with that, because I think what
I don't understand is our elves always children. I was
(15:54):
under the impression that elves were never children. I was
under the impression they were elves. No, you have to
be a babe to be an elf, to be a creature.
But what's a grown elf? A grown elf is still
an elf? Baby elf still an elf? Then why those
elves with him look forty? But sometimes they look like
kids sometimes, but a lot a lot of those elves
(16:17):
will be looking key blur. When you see those North
Pole pictures and stuff, well, one, that's not a real place.
Wait a second, wait a bitted second hour, a day, wait,
wait a moment. Tell me what we we have waited
(16:39):
to what a third of the way is to start
talking about what are at our real places? The North
Pole is a real place, but then pictures are talking
about the North Pole pictures. Those are the mall in
Santa Monica. No, no, I understand who do you who
do you think you're talking to? Like this is this
(16:59):
is this is crazy. I can't tell you see those
Northball pictures and I'm like, what Northball pictures are something?
Mall pictures. I'm talking about the cartoons of talking in Yes,
the Sinemnica mall pictures of materials. A lot of these
elves have beards, so in my mind they're not kids.
(17:20):
What it depends on the casting because in some of
them their children, and some of them they're adults, and
then another ones are just old children. Was like as
a child, but there are a thousand years old, like
five years old? What is an old child? Do you
(17:42):
mean an adult? Because that's what happens when kids get
old enough. You know, I've never heard anybody be like, oh, yeah,
my baby over there a hundred months. Like you ever
seen the movie The Santa Claus with Tim Allen m hm,
(18:04):
so you know when the movie, like we're getting in
the movie, he starts and it's like he's like, there's
kids in here. It's like, why are their kids in here?
Should they be in school? And he was like that
kids four hundred years old. That's what I'm saying. They're elves.
They look like children some classification of my elves look
like children forever. That's what I'm saying. So when I
(18:25):
say old old child, when you say yeah, you somehow
still don't mean grown. You mean an actual old child,
just a dusty old Yes. Also, eight hundred months old
is sixty six years old. M hmmmm, because we we
(18:49):
decided that after eighteen years, we might well just act
like you're an adult, even if you aren't. Listen. I
think eighteen I've been saying this when I was eighteen.
Eighteen is not an adult really, No, I feel like
it starts earlier than that. But but be an adult. Yeah, yeah,
(19:12):
there's a lot of people. There are a lot of people.
I remember when I was like sixteen and I just
in my with my peers, I was like, oh, some
of y'all. Especially when somebody's like on on on the
spectrum of good and evil. Right, when someone is very
very good and they actually have so much emotional intelligence
(19:33):
that they know what to do in every situation, things
that almost can't be taught. They know what to do
in lots of situations. They know how to nurture people,
they know how to care for people all and stuff
like that. I'm like you, I understand we're both sixteen
right now, but you come off obviously, you come off
way more exactly. And then when somebody's evil, I've met
(19:55):
people who were actually too evil, nothing even and I'll
a lot on women say it just because I knew
him well enough. Nothing in their life had happened bad
enough to teach them how to be this evil, and
they were already this evil, Like y'all, are you need
to be tried as an adult, sir? Like like that? No,
(20:17):
I was saying, we're trying to say to somebody that
we were trying to like me and uh me and
other guy. We're trying to talk to one of our
friends because then one of those, like another one of
those shootings, that mass shootings had happened, and we're like,
some motherfucker's are just born evil. She's like, I think,
and I was like no, she was like, and I
(20:38):
was like, we were like, nabitch, no, no, no. Some
of fucker's come out the womb wanting pure chaos, death
and destruction, and you don't know why. They don't know
why I go back and forth, like, let's say we
didn't know each other, right and I was on trial
and you were and you were in the jury. You know,
(21:00):
I don't know. I don't. I don't because here's the thing.
You'd either before me, and it'd be and you'd really
have to be convinced that I did something, or you'd
be a gets bed. It'd be like, look, I know
you got all this evidence he didn't do it. But
I saw his face. It's like it's like, oh my gosh,
now you know me. You know me. You know I'd
(21:22):
be reading Motherfucker's the House down boots of the kid's side. Uh,
I'm out here reading listen. I am getting myself, are
reading this together. I'm gonna get these pizza her coupons.
I am reading for the children. I am the lie Brarie.
And sometimes you just catch a vibe behind somebody and
you're like, oh, let me stay the funk away from you.
(21:46):
There's just certain people like that. We're just like, especially
as like as a woman, there's just start like something.
I got a guy coming with me. He's like, hey,
can I just went Nope, And I walked up. My
friend was like what happened. I was like, girl, I
was gonna end up on the fucking news if I
talked to that man, and look, I'm just saying, it
would have found me in various appliances. I'm gonna broken
(22:13):
fucking barb. But then it just showed me back together.
I look like that damn bitch from what's it, uh
fucking nightmare before Christmas, and it stitched me back together,
Like I fucking to our dog funk that I want
to open gasket. I promised my mama, Dad, if I
go first, you're gonna see me bitch fuck that. I'm
simply saying that based off what we've talked about some people,
(22:36):
they I feel like they grow up at a different
like level and layer and look just to bring it
all back. I felt the same way about Santa. Right.
I was told about Santa, and I stopped believing pretty young, right,
but then I think I was. I think I was eight,
So from like, that makes sense. Those kids are still
(22:57):
believe in Santa at like twelve and thirty. We're always like, okay, yeah,
but you see that's another lesson. That's another thing that
helps helps you evaluate your peers, right, is that I
think this person, we were all we were all sold
the same bill of goods. Not obviously not at all,
(23:18):
because there's different people who don't sell very Christmas anders.
I'm just saying, out of the mix of people who
were sold the same bill of goods, there's some people
that fell for it, some people that didn't fall for it,
some people that fell for it and then figured it
out pretty quick, and then some people who are still
just living a dream. Listen, And I think the thing
(23:39):
that always bugged me because I remember in school not
believing in Santa and being taught because I never believed
in them because to me just didn't make sense. And
I think the other reason that my mother did not
perpetuate this is because my mother worked hard. She raised
me my brother by herself, and so because of that,
I don't think she wanted us because like she would
(24:00):
get us, there'd be like, you know, when the gifts
would be from your sif I'm like your sibling, when
the gifts would be from her, and one of the
gifts would be from Santa, you know what I mean
among the gifts that we got, and there's always this
Santa gift. And by the time I was like, hey,
I was like, you know, I don't believe in Santa, right,
and my brother was like I don't either. She was
like okay, but we still got the Santa gift. And
(24:22):
the Santa gift was the gift that we didn't know
what we were going to get, right, some stuff we
picked out and then some stuff we get ladies and
surprise gift. So it was like this concept but none
of us believed it. I just could never get like, okay,
we would take this Chris Kringle thing or whatever Christmas
is like, this is the birth of Christ. This is
(24:42):
what we're doing right, because I like, I remember like
asking a girl I was friends was in college, like
you know, she was like because she had we were cool,
but she had a slick mouth. Sometimes one day I
asked he, I was like, why are do you? Because
she has a staunch atheist right to the point where
she was u like most most atheists are. It's always like,
(25:03):
it's always good to meet an atheist who doesn't tell
you they're an atheist, because usually when you meet an
atheist that I'm like, this their whole personality. It depends
on the person, because I feel like there are people
who atheism is kind of that um that strain of
cross fit or veganism or something where it's like if
(25:25):
you get into it enough, especially if you get into
it after growing up religious, I think that it becomes
a big It becomes a big marker for you of
the journey changed, right, because you're it's like you're being defiant, right.
But I asked her one day, I was like, wait,
if you're an atheist, why are you celebrating Christmas? And
(25:47):
she said, what do you mean? I said, Christmas? And
then it's most of the name, it's most it's not.
I I was like, Christ, It's it's it's seventy name,
It's Christ, It's Christ. Moss spoken extra extra, this is
the beginning of the Christ, the Christ child is born.
(26:10):
And she was like, well, you know, Christmas is a
religious holiday. And I was like, bitch, what do you mean.
I said, of course it is, because that's why people
who aren't Christian. That's why Jews don't celebrate it. That's
why Muslims don't celebrate it, and Buddhists and all the
all of these other religious Hindus, all of these other
(26:35):
people of other religious don't celebrate Christmas because they're not
Christian and she's like, well, it's an American holiday, and
I said, it's literally a religious holiday. That's so funny.
It's an American holiday is probably the most American thing
a person could say, because it's like, you know, when
you go to you know, Ecuador at Christmas time, they're
(27:00):
gonna have Christmas Christmas. When you're the Philippines, when you
go to Mexico, Mexico, Kenya, China, Afghanistic, anywhere that has
Christmas time is always Christmas time. I did find out
one of my my old boss, her husband was Romanian
(27:21):
Orthodox and they celebrate Christmas on a different day. Oh yeah,
some some people do this thing of like it's the
general time. But yeah, I've heard of some people. Some
people even have their like like people who do go
to church forward and stuff have their church service on
the day. Some of them have it the day before,
(27:42):
some of them only really have it the Sunday leading
up to right, So you're talking about Christmas by non really?
She was like yeah, And I was like, so you're
celebrating presents and gift giving? What do you girl? She
was so angry at me. It probably it didn't help
that we were at her house making Christmas cookies, and
I was like, so why are you celebrating this holiday?
This is what are we even doing? You're literally stirring
(28:06):
things up, you know, with your words. So you know,
can take cause one of my brother has a picture
with Black Santa for when he's a kid, and you like,
just like different cultures where like they're Jesus like kind
(28:27):
of like up to what they look like? Can't they clause?
Because I follow the real Black Santa on Instagram? But
also I was like, well, there's a lot of Korean churches,
right because Koreans, you know, com Samni shoot, you know,
Koreans fuck with Jesus. A lot of them do. When
(28:48):
Santa comes to the Korean church, is it a white
man or is he Korean? Look? I think that that
does depend on the culture. You you reminded me of
it you in what did I remind you of? One time? Okay?
(29:10):
This is who knows if anyone will five this foddy?
So you know how sometimes when you're when you're growing up,
different kids just have different like home situations, their parents
have different levels of income, right, And I remember one
time I was I don't know if it was an
(29:32):
after school thing, or if it was soccer, it was something,
it was some extracurricular thing because me and this kid
did not go to school together, right, And I asked him,
you know what Santa got him for Christmas? Because we're
all little, We're like seven or something, right, And I'll
never forget this because even at the time, I was like,
even without understanding jokes yet, because you know, you you
(29:54):
laugh when you're a kid and starw that, but I
didn't understand jokes, like I wasn't a joke writer when
I was seven, you know, and so but I still
understood like puns and word play and all. Looking at
this kid and he's still probably to this day doesn't
know how funny what he said was. But uh, but
I asked him what he got for Christmas? Like what
(30:16):
if this kid said, all said, all I got from
Santa this year was a cold, right, because he went
to the mall as Santa was clearly sick that day. Right,
So then sat over here, like what do you want
from Chris? And so this kid said he literally was
(30:41):
like laid it back from Santa a little bit because
he's in his lap. But he's like said over here,
like sniffling, like using his beard to wipe his nose
and stuff, and it was like he was like, I
think I got a cold, and I think I got
it from Santa, because like nobody in my family is
said it and it but so I guess he didn't
(31:02):
even get any presents. That's what I'm saying. Yes, that
that's why I thought maybe some listeners might not find
the entire story funny, but I I feel like it's
important and it's an important lessons. We were talking about lessons,
which is one of the reasons I have the stance
that I have. But you keep saying that, like say,
but littlest lessons don't seem like fun lessons, Like it's
(31:24):
the less I hear you. But it's like it seems
to be like, oh, you asked Santa for this new
toy truck and you got socks. Right. You don't know
that your family can't afford this new toy truck. You
just know you got socks or you asked for you know,
something outrageous. It's like, Okay, you have no athletic skills
(31:47):
in any fucking form or fashion, and you wanted this
expensive baseball glove. They your parents got you a truck.
They didn't. It's not the sand they didn't hear you,
is that they know you have no athletic skills. And
the Monday they would have spent on this baseball glove
because you want to be a baseball player and you
have sucking two four your four left feet. Stuff can
(32:09):
get blamed on Santa. But then when you but but
but think about it, like then you becoming it, Like
you get a little older, you learn Santa is not
real and it's like, okay, well then why didn't I
get my baseball gloved? Yeah? Or just like or just
general like, na, we weren't gonna doing We're not doing
that over here. So it's like, I guess I've never
(32:30):
understood the point of the magic of Christmas is the
virgin birth. So I don't know if we added in
more magic because it's around the solstice time and you know,
trying to convert Pagans into Christianity, so you put it
at that time, which is why they say Easter at
the time that it is, and that's why the Easter
bunny and the eggs I'll go along with Easter. That's
(32:51):
always been confusing for me. Also, did you know, I
know I didn't know. I was a full I'm talking
about graduated from college, found this out. Did you know
that the Easter bunny is supposed to bring it in
Easter basket like Santa brings you presents? No? Really, do
you think they were selling Easter baskets? I just thought
(33:13):
it was a thing because there was a buddy and
eggs and eggs go in a basket. Because my mother
called the Eastern was Resurrection Day. Yeah, absolutely, so it
was like my aunt my godmother would give us Easter baskets.
But I because my mother never really told her that
Santa Claus was and she definitely wasn't on She's like,
I'm not telling you. I was like, I asked her
as an adult. I was like, why didn't She's like,
(33:34):
I wasn't try to do that. I think that I
didn't you the way did you get an Easter basket?
I did get the Easter basket? Some years. There was
one year where I'm like, I don't know if there's
there's a year where the it started to gap a
little bit. I can tell you Eastern baskets, once you
(33:54):
get past the age of like nine, Easter baskets suck.
They're not good. No, what you're an older like when
you're a little kid, it's like here's little little toy
like little things, and then once you get older, it's
like you put a fucking football in a basket I
didn't want. Yeah, what want half of these things? Or
(34:18):
I only want half of these things. Also, I think
it's weird that like in America we say Merry Christmas,
but in the UK. In the UK, they say Happy Christmas.
And I'm like, you motherfucker seemed like the one who
will be using the word mary. Yeah, no, that is switched,
I think pretty heavily. Like that's like that's that seems
like we should be saying happy. They should be saying
(34:40):
Mary Mary. Now okay, this this is where because you
were mentioning the lessons, you were mentioned lessons, but also
it's I don't understand. I guess I've never understood the point,
like for instance, like I don't understand the point of
(35:01):
the Easter Bunny either, because Christians only got you holidays. Yeah,
the Easter Bunny is to me like almost indefensible. It
doesn't make any sense to me. I'm like, where does
name come from? Who sent him? At least st Nicholas
I think was an actual sat right. Yeah, and and
(35:22):
and it's a bigger thing overall in the world. So
Santa Claus. There are some countries that have Babushka, there's
some countries that have like there's there's so many different
versions of this same thing. Isn't it the Dutch dude
that has the slave? I know about like Black Pete,
but I don't know if that's Santa to them. Yeah,
(35:44):
So children are taught to believe they received their presence
from St. Nicholas who was accompanied by a black servant
called Black Peter. Adults will dress up as St. Nicholas
and Black Peter, a white person painted in black face,
and visit children an adult. So yeah, Black Peter is deserving.
He's a slave. And they are trying to step stop
(36:05):
them from dressing in black face, and they're like, but
it's a tradition and there's only seventeen black people here. Sorry,
are you gonna stop? The Duchess the Netherlands, so I
don't know how many of us live there. Um, I
don't do cold white countries. So like in the UK
(36:25):
is a Happy Christmas said of merry Christmas, but then
they call Santa Claus Father Christmas, which makes more sense
than Santa Claus. Here's my thing with Santa versus Father Christmas. Okay,
I feel like Father Christmas gets a little too close
to like confusing the children, you know, because it's like
(36:49):
Father Christmas feels too much like Jesus's dad, whereas Santa
Claus feels like a totally different character. Okay. You know,
like I I used to hear people say Father Christmas.
I was like, I don't know if I'm with that one.
You know, that makes sense? I mean I still always
(37:11):
it just made always be more sense to me because
it's like, oh, we get presents on Christmas because the
baby Jesus got presents. Well, if the presents on Christmas
because the baby Jesus got presents, then why is it
the why the three Wise Men is the one bringing
us the presents? No that So when you said that
at the beginning of the episode, that made a lot
of sense to me. And I'm surprised no one has
done that as a I'm surprised that thing never caught on.
(37:34):
If there's such a shared understanding of the story of Christmas. Um,
I think that for me when it comes to telling
kids about Christmas. The second side, the unfair and the
sad side of the lesson and everything is the disappointment,
you know, because like they're like, you know, Santa sees
you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. So
(37:56):
Santa's a fucking stalker, which is a joke that's been
made a million times. When I get it's like it's
like that whole Elf on the shelf thing where it's like, hey,
this tiny el is gonna watch everything you do and
if you mess up, he's gonna I've heard people go,
if you actually had you're gonna tell Santa. And it's like, then,
what did you do the other eleven months of the
fucking year when your child was acting like a maniac?
(38:17):
Have we used in Santa? You're just in a strong march,
just flying through April, going Santa Santa. Santa is like
this child is four, he doesn't remember yesterday, Like why
are you telling him about like anyway with Santa. But
it's like I remember, like the first time, like learning
about the story of Christmas, right the virgin birth. They're going,
there's no room at the end. You're born in a manger,
(38:39):
weezy f baby. Right. So I remember the whole time
hearing this whole story in the three and the Frank instance,
murder Gold, you know, the stars and all this other stuff.
I remember going, but where is Santa? And my mother
was like, what I said, where is Santa? If this
is the story of Christmas, where is Santa? And she
(39:00):
was like, great question. And then she had explained to
me how Santa was not involved with the baby Jesus.
And I was like, so he wasn't there. No, remembering
the school being like, well, if Santa wasn't there, why
is he here now? Coca Cola, wake up, wake up.
(39:22):
Understand that there's there's a bigger thing at play. Okay,
then your little holiday. There's a grind happening. Oh no, no, no,
Santa been on a grind for decades now. The Coca
Cola bottling company, so was it Co Coldpla and Company.
That's what That's what we call a partnership. Okay. Santa
(39:44):
is a brand ambassador, al right, pushing this Coca Cola
to the children, to the America's I wish that I
could be on my hustle the way Santa is. All right,
say you live somewhere like Australia because comes it's hot,
Christmas comes Florida and ship sure, sure, I'm with Christmas.
(40:08):
And it's very interesting because it's like when your my
brother got a super soaker for Christmas because it was
Miami in December. Yeah. Yeah, And I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what. Right now, you want to talk
about Australia, you wanna talk about Florida or whatever. Santa
makes it over there too, because he's on his grind,
all right, on a hundred thousand going how many miles
(40:30):
per hour it takes to get from Australia to the
North Pole to Florida. He does it all in one night,
in one night. All right. If you told me that
all I had to do to have a nearly year
off was to grind for one night, I do it. Listen,
but I think I remember as a kid almost trying
(40:50):
to justify it. It's like, Okay, there's probably the whole
countries that he gets to skip. There are countries that
he gets to skip. But he also got the plan
and he got the logistics right. You never see somebody
ever tap their temple that's actually saying something smart. He
got the logistics. Okay, you see what I'm saying right here,
he got the logistics down all right, He got his
(41:12):
routes already planned out. He got the elves. Because that's
the other thing that people don't realize that sometimes sometimes
it's about synergy. Sometimes it's about building yourself up and
they're having people under you. So then you got Santa
right here, right, and then he got five elves that
also got five elves that they were there friends, and
then they each get five elves, and so you get
(41:33):
a little triangle going right, and then a real pyramid.
We don't really use words like that because that's that's
the type of stuff the haters say. Okay, so anyway,
you got your triangle of success. But listen, if you
want a triangle of success, would you rather have a
one side or would you rather have a triangle with
(41:54):
four size? That? I mean, now you think it? Now
you thinking that that's actual hustling. That's once again, I
don't know what's not clicking for you, about what's helpful
and what's hateful. Okay, so you only do three sided pyramids,
(42:17):
you know, I can tell, I can tell what somebody's
not gonna take the mission seriously, like I could tell
with some six no, no, no, I can I can tell.
That's that's cool, that's cool. I get it. You aren't
ready to receive the message, you know, you're not really
ready to be on it like Santa's on it. So
when do you buy one? I found out that because
(42:40):
for some reason, the conversation of the genders of the
reindeer came up, because because that's why the funk not
and somebody was saying that all of them are a
male and then I was looking at it and it's
like they weren't. Apparently all of them would have to
be female, including Rudolph. Including Rudolph. Oh okay, because of
(43:06):
the time of year, and also female reindeer also have antlers.
Let's google. Is what I'm saying is that there's a
lot of things that we ask because it comes to
stuff like this, uh, because like we're trying to do
the logistics, we're trying to like, oh it already, I said,
we're Santa's reindeer. Here we go, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
comic keeper, daughter, and Blitzen and yes, even Rudolph. Our
(43:29):
ladies the original eight first introduced in the three poem
a visit. This is so funny. Who runs the slave girls?
Science says Sanders red deer are all actually female. And
this is in People magazine. Let me tell you something
that just makes me respect Santa even more, all right,
(43:50):
because it makes me respect women. Oh so the males
of the species shed their headgear mid December. Mm hmmm,
so they wouldn't have so while these dudes out here
with busted tail lights right right. Santa was like, ladies,
we gotta do we we It's up to us, all right,
(44:12):
is you? Me and the Elms wherever they are? Santa?
Is I think it's good for the children. No, he's not.
It's the thing is, it's there are parents that work
very hard, very hard to give their children Christmas. Might
(44:33):
work an extra job. I remember when you remember the
footage from the tick of the Elmos, when the women
I'm with you. Yeah, I just fought for seven bitches
in a target at two in the morning to get
your little last is Elmo. I threw bows for you.
I threw bows for you. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm
just saying I don't I didn't even bring my purse.
(44:55):
Your mom did it perfectly. Your Mom did it perfectly.
Some of the presents from me, some of them are
from Santa. Parents worked really hard to give their kids Christmas,
and this motherfucker gets all the credit. I listen, I
gave multiple people black eyes for you to get this
(45:16):
Teddy Rucks pen. I had to boat somebody else to
get two of them because I didn't want for you
and your brother. Mm hmm anna, thank you, Santa. Santa
is not icing his knee right now. Santa does not
have frozen peas on his knuckles right now, then that's
the gift that comes from mom, all right, But the
(45:38):
plaid shirt can be from Santa. Why don't you knock
Santa down a peg. I'm saying, if you're if you're
taking this route, I'm saying to the parents, how about
you be a little bit more inventive. How about you
make it so that when you have to tell your
kids that Santa is not real, they're like, I didn't
like his presence anyway. This dude was garbage day one.
Have given me socks an underwear? You know what? Every year?
(46:01):
If you if you're really worried about this, I'm just
gonna say, in order for your kid to bothe. I
think this is a good middle ground between the two
of us. We don't usually do middle grounds, but I'm
a try right. I think a good middle ground between
the two of us is go ahead and tell your
kid about Santa. But for every Christmas when they ask
Santa for all the stuff, you get the stuff that
they want from Santa, and then you put the gift
(46:23):
under the tree from Santa, and it's just crackers. It's
just salteines, you know. And look, some kids love crackers.
Some kids will be like, oh my gosh, salteines, I
needed some of these. But overall you can be like,
all right, look, Santa clearly not coming through heavy with
the presents. And so then the years from now, hopefully
(46:45):
just a couple when you have to tell your kid
that Sands not real, they get to learn a lesson
about life and they're not as let down because now
they know you were the one putting in the work
for those presents to begin with. Okay, but yeah, we'll
kick it to you the listener. You know, how do
you feel about do you think that people should be
told about Santa should not be told about Santa? Do
(47:05):
you think it's harmful or helpful. Do you think that
we did a good job presenting to you the facts
of our argument and some pretty good along the way things.
Thank you for listening to Hold Up. You can catch
me on the Show Shows, So Shows, Damn at Dulstay
Sloan on Everything, and you can also check out Josh Johnson.
(47:27):
Um I'm Josh Johnson Comedy on TikTok, Instagram YouTube find
me at those places um. I also do a podcast
called The Josh Johnson Show you can check out. And
other than that, I'm just looking to be around, meet you,
hit me up. You know. I want to hear about
your day. I'm just chilling, you know, tell me a
(47:50):
crazy story I'd love to hear. Thank you listen to
Hold Up. Ho Ho no Ah. Tell your kids about
Say I'm su
Hey, everybody, welcome to hold up the show. That's a
lot about a little It's it's we go back and
forth quite a bit over things that we care about
that maybe you've never even thought about like that, which
is fine because these aren't big deals, these aren't life
changing events, these aren't world altering global topics. It's just uh,
(00:26):
your co host Josh Johnson talking to your other co hosts.
Those says long. And what we haven't talked about is
my brand new nose ring bam bam m nose rings.
I wanted to nose rinks since I was fourteen years old,
and I could not get one because of acting and
modeling and stuff. But now your girl has an established career.
(00:49):
So if I want to put a piece of metal
in my face, like shot through the nostrils, it's all
up to you. Bro hurt so bad apparently, Oh my god,
And like I bled a lot because she was saying,
like I was bleeding, and she was like, were you
drinking yesterday? And I was like yes. Apparently that's why
(01:12):
you're not supposed to get like piercings or tattoos when
you're That's why you can't when you're drunk. Because it
makes you bleed more because your blood stead I am.
I am indeed happy for you. I'm just glad any
time childhood dream can come true. You know, it hurts
so much and I got so overwhelmed. But while she
was in the middle of do it, she was like,
I'm proud of you, and for some reason, oh my god,
(01:35):
I'm gonna cheer up again. It's like it made me
feel so much better because she was like, I'm proud
of you. You did a good job. I love you.
You're doing a good job. And I was like, and
all of it, because, like you, it's it's so much
pain at once and it's your face, so you just
freak the funk out for like a second. But she
was like, you're doing a good job. I'm so proud
of you. And so to be in that moment where
(01:56):
I'm that much pain, but then for somebody to like
be very comforting and sweet, it like really just kind
of almost reset my brain a little bit. Her name
is Genie. It's lived by the Sword tattoo. Okay, well, yeah,
shout out to her and doing a great job and
(02:17):
making you feel comfortable, making you feel seen and loved
and held you know, yeah, because she called herself the
gentle piercon and I was like, there's still a needle
going through my nose um, but now I get it, Like, oh,
it was really nice. And then she found some studs
for my second hole in my hair. Because these ships,
you know, when you get something done in a flea market,
you know, you get what you pay for it. You'd
(02:37):
have thought they would have healed up by the time
I got out of the ninth grade. But hey man,
we're all out here doing our best. I think if
you are about to get a flea market tattoo, though,
any any person out here listening to the podcast thinking
about getting a tattoo from your local flea market, you know,
right after you go to the farmer's market, I would say,
(02:59):
maybe maybe hold up on that. Take a second, take
a second to think about it. Think about if the
artwork you want done can be done by anybody else
that's an actual tattoo shop. Now, not to say somebody
who's in a flea market is not good, No, no,
it's not about them being good. It's about them having
the proper tool. You know what it's like. It's like
(03:21):
when you're watching a mob movie. All right, and the
person that that the mob is after, or the other
mob is after, i should say, or even the police.
The person that's in the mob gets all shot up
by somebody and then they take them to the mob
doctor's house. And the mob doctor always has the same speeches,
like why you come my home. It's like, well, sir,
we know where you live, and we were in a hurry. Okay,
(03:43):
so we've been here six times this week. Yeah, but
they're like, why did you come to my home? And
I can't do it here. He needs real surgery. We
got to go to a hospital. That's all I'm saying.
That mob doctor is still a doctor. He's a but
he's still a doctor, you know. But he cannot with
the tools he has available to him, do his job
(04:04):
to the best of his ability. But if I have
a booth in the flea market, because I've seen tattoo
artists in a flea marketing before, they have all of
the same tools that you'll see, Okay, I mean I've
never got a tattooed before, so maybe it's all the
same stuff. It's just a machine, my friend, the tattoo
I have on my hand. M wait, no, as someone
(04:27):
who knows you. I know the tattoo you're talking about.
But Josh Johnson, were running enough tangents today. I think
it's time for us to talk about the topic at hand.
The topic at hand is Santa Clause, Santa Claus old
st Nick Chris motherfucking Cringo himself. And I know the
(04:52):
audience is one of the Wait a minute, I they're
talking about that, they're Santa Claus. We can't be talking
about whether he's real or not because we already The
question is should we be telling the children about this
man or not? That is the question. So Josh Johnson
telling the people what side you fall on when it
(05:14):
comes to the existence of Santa Claus. Should we be
telling the children or not? Because he was ready to go.
You was trained to go as someone who believes in whimsy,
as someone who loves wonder. You try to act like
I don't love Whimsey and wonder wow the attacks as
(05:36):
someone who believes in magic. We're both friends with Matt Richards,
so yes, we were believing in magic. One who who
believes that a childhood has some magic in it has
(05:58):
some in childhood, Josh, the whole childhood, you know? Um,
I think that's Santa is a good starter lesson. I
think it's a I think it's worthwhile endeavor less than
(06:19):
in what adults will lie to you? Yes, that that too,
what's your lesson? Because my lesson is adults will lot
to you? I mean, adults will lie to you is
a great one. That's no one is disputing that like that.
Let's get that one out the way, all right. You
looked into the eyes of a child and you lied
(06:39):
your face. Hey, so now when this child, instead of
being two, is twenty two and there's another growth person
in their face, try to lie. They'll be like, I
remember this, I've been living through this for two decades.
All right, I'm ready. I'm prepped. Okay, in your world
with no practice, they'd be like, oh yeah, sure, you
(07:00):
mus owned this house as a poetry major, you know
what I mean. So then that's my thing is that
you know, it helps it helps instill a sense of
how the world works. I think it introduces fantasy in
a way that it is both fun and has stakes,
you know, and has a payoff at the end. Okay,
(07:23):
once again, incorrect. I remember telling us some evil woman
that I used to work with, not evil hateful, hateful
little woman that I used to work with that when
I was growing up, because it was like around Christmas
time or whatever. And I said, when I was growing up,
you know, my mom never told us to saying it
(07:47):
was real. She didn't tell us he wasn't real, but
she never said that he was and he was. She
was like, oh you. She tried to tell me that
I had a bad childhood because my mother didn't tell
me that some fictional white man was breaking into our
house to bring me presents. And I was like, you
(08:08):
think my entire childhood it was bad for this one.
Let me let me get up because I almost said
something that was gonna get me in a fight that day.
There's so many other things that happened, Like I didn't
grow up with a father. You think that affected Santa Claus.
You think Santa Claus was partiplately. That's what you think
took my childhood out? Was one nigga once a year
(08:33):
claiming to do something that he didn't do. But look,
did you ever did you ever wonder what it would
have been like to sit in Santa's lap and tell
him what you wanted and then get it. I would
have what I wondered more what it would have been
like to sit in my father's lap and tell him
what I wanted to get it fair enough, your father
(08:56):
is supposed to be there every day Santa comes, but
once a year. Yeah, the thing is As a child,
I never I never believed in it because it never
made any sense to me. Well, on top of it,
this this is the other thing too, because you run
(09:16):
into this when you're trying to tell the story of Santa. Uh.
Two children, who are you know, inquisitive? Some would say precocious,
not stupid. Wow. I took gifted classes starting from ten
years old. I was never a dumb child. I learned
(09:38):
how to read because my cousin could read. Because this
is this is the most fucked up part about this
Santa thing. Plenty of children and go, hey, it doesn't
make any sense that this man is on a slag
being pulled by livestock, by fucking dear across the planet
dropping off presents, right, didn't even have to do the same.
(10:00):
And a tracker on the fucking news. And you know,
I've always wondered what they do all the letters that
people send out m because I'm sure they just burn
them at the end of the they can't keep them.
There's just too much space. Right was burning and they saying,
I hope they burned them. They had some shred them,
turn them into more paper. Help somebody, right. So the
(10:20):
thing that was always the most deceptive of the De
Santa ship is that you would have a child going
this doesn't make any sense. This can't be real, and
then an adult goes, yes, it is, and the child's like,
wait a minute, how did but how does he get
across the world? It's magic what I would listen. I
could believe in Bigfoot before I could believe in Santa Claus.
(10:43):
Once again, more practice, alright, because as an adult, right now,
you know that there are things that logically, as a
smart person you look at and you're like, this doesn't
make sense. But it is what it is, isn't it.
And now you're learning I live in a world where
things don't make sense. They don't make sense. We both
(11:05):
know they don't make sense. You and I have discussed
things where we're like, yo, are we all the same page?
Doesn't make it and you're like, yes, but it is
what it is. And then you're now learning to cope
in a world that doesn't make sense. That is unfair
and full of lies, right, But the other thing is
(11:26):
is that you're giving us a thing. You're giving us
a lie that's not even attached to It's like as
a child could never figure out what Santa Claus had
to do with the birth of our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ. M h. It would have been more sense
to me if the three kings that came and brought
presents to the baby Jesus came to children to give
(11:51):
them presents. And I under I know the whole thing
is St. Nicholas. We've all seen that fucking what is
it claymation stop motion. We've all said, right, yeah, So
one dude, and I don't know where, was it the
Netherlands or sucking one of them places, somewhere cold, somewhere
cold and white, gave children presents and then all of
(12:11):
a sudden we were like yeah, and then he did
it to the whole world, like no, that doesn't make
any sense. So for me, it's this myth came about
because one, one white man did one thing and we
can't forget like Columbus, and so instead of just him
being one of the many in the Pantheon of Saints.
(12:33):
M Now we're sitting on putting our children and growing
men's laps and malls. Who came up with going to
the mall? Santa? Who came up with the mall? Santa?
Why do they have to sit in his lap? Who
is this pervert that came up with this? You knew
what I was gonna say. You knew what I I was
gonna do? You know I knew you were going to say.
(12:55):
I this is what I will say. Okay, how about this?
I stinned another olive branch. That is not so much
about the telling as it is about the employability. Okay,
let's be honest. You see a dude who look exactly
like Santa spitting him into Santa? Right, I don't really
(13:19):
have a job, doesn't really have a bunch of going
on in his life. Okay, why not at least let
him get some seasonal work. This man who was not
able to sustain himself the other eleven months of the year,
You in some Santa work in November? Yeah, eleven and
(13:43):
a half month. You have to start with Yeah, Yeah,
to start with Thanksgiving eleven and a half months. Yeah,
Disney ain't got it. Okay, but but because he doesn't
have it, let's give him something. Let's give him something
to do. You you out here, you're you're old, all right,
(14:04):
You got you got a bellowing voice that nobody can
really tell where your diaphragm is. Your diaphragm is in
your foot. You got a big beer because no matter
how much you cut your hair, it just spring. You
don't even get five o'clock shadow. Okay, you get six
o'clock nightfall, all right, every day. And you got a
(14:26):
rosy cheeks and a button nose and all other ship. Listen,
I get it. Maybe you're an alcoholic. Maybe it's because
they have, you know, they have a taste for the
four local, or taste for the malt liquor. Maybe they
just have something that gets things a bit a bit
rosy in the cheeks. You don't want is an elderly
(14:47):
white man local. No, No, it's a problem. Did you
say you'd rather hee Drake crack Crown. Oh I thought
you said Drake crack Gota. It's like incredible. I mean,
(15:07):
an old white man built like Santa Drink and Crack
would be a holiday miracle. He'd be called people write dates,
he'd be like dash your dancer, get over here, get
over real quick. Sir again, my name is Kevin. Yeah,
(15:29):
so my name is Officer Will Gibbs. Okay, Rudolph, listen,
it's Santa. You know it's you know this regular tropes.
You know Santa employs child labor. I get it. I
don't have a problem with that, because I think what
I don't understand is our elves always children. I was
(15:54):
under the impression that elves were never children. I was
under the impression they were elves. No, you have to
be a babe to be an elf, to be a creature.
But what's a grown elf? A grown elf is still
an elf? Baby elf still an elf? Then why those
elves with him look forty? But sometimes they look like
kids sometimes, but a lot a lot of those elves
(16:17):
will be looking key blur. When you see those North
Pole pictures and stuff, well, one, that's not a real place.
Wait a second, wait a bitted second hour, a day, wait,
wait a moment. Tell me what we we have waited
(16:39):
to what a third of the way is to start
talking about what are at our real places? The North
Pole is a real place, but then pictures are talking
about the North Pole pictures. Those are the mall in
Santa Monica. No, no, I understand who do you who
do you think you're talking to? Like this is this
(16:59):
is this is crazy. I can't tell you see those
Northball pictures and I'm like, what Northball pictures are something?
Mall pictures. I'm talking about the cartoons of talking in Yes,
the Sinemnica mall pictures of materials. A lot of these
elves have beards, so in my mind they're not kids.
(17:20):
What it depends on the casting because in some of
them their children, and some of them they're adults, and
then another ones are just old children. Was like as
a child, but there are a thousand years old, like
five years old? What is an old child? Do you
(17:42):
mean an adult? Because that's what happens when kids get
old enough. You know, I've never heard anybody be like, oh, yeah,
my baby over there a hundred months. Like you ever
seen the movie The Santa Claus with Tim Allen m hm,
(18:04):
so you know when the movie, like we're getting in
the movie, he starts and it's like he's like, there's
kids in here. It's like, why are their kids in here?
Should they be in school? And he was like that
kids four hundred years old. That's what I'm saying. They're elves.
They look like children some classification of my elves look
like children forever. That's what I'm saying. So when I
(18:25):
say old old child, when you say yeah, you somehow
still don't mean grown. You mean an actual old child,
just a dusty old Yes. Also, eight hundred months old
is sixty six years old. M hmmmm, because we we
(18:49):
decided that after eighteen years, we might well just act
like you're an adult, even if you aren't. Listen. I
think eighteen I've been saying this when I was eighteen.
Eighteen is not an adult really, No, I feel like
it starts earlier than that. But but be an adult. Yeah, yeah,
(19:12):
there's a lot of people. There are a lot of people.
I remember when I was like sixteen and I just
in my with my peers, I was like, oh, some
of y'all. Especially when somebody's like on on on the
spectrum of good and evil. Right, when someone is very
very good and they actually have so much emotional intelligence
(19:33):
that they know what to do in every situation, things
that almost can't be taught. They know what to do
in lots of situations. They know how to nurture people,
they know how to care for people all and stuff
like that. I'm like you, I understand we're both sixteen
right now, but you come off obviously, you come off
way more exactly. And then when somebody's evil, I've met
(19:55):
people who were actually too evil, nothing even and I'll
a lot on women say it just because I knew
him well enough. Nothing in their life had happened bad
enough to teach them how to be this evil, and
they were already this evil, Like y'all, are you need
to be tried as an adult, sir? Like like that? No,
(20:17):
I was saying, we're trying to say to somebody that
we were trying to like me and uh me and
other guy. We're trying to talk to one of our
friends because then one of those, like another one of
those shootings, that mass shootings had happened, and we're like,
some motherfucker's are just born evil. She's like, I think,
and I was like no, she was like, and I
(20:38):
was like, we were like, nabitch, no, no, no. Some
of fucker's come out the womb wanting pure chaos, death
and destruction, and you don't know why. They don't know
why I go back and forth, like, let's say we
didn't know each other, right and I was on trial
and you were and you were in the jury. You know,
(21:00):
I don't know. I don't. I don't because here's the thing.
You'd either before me, and it'd be and you'd really
have to be convinced that I did something, or you'd
be a gets bed. It'd be like, look, I know
you got all this evidence he didn't do it. But
I saw his face. It's like it's like, oh my gosh,
now you know me. You know me. You know I'd
(21:22):
be reading Motherfucker's the House down boots of the kid's side. Uh,
I'm out here reading listen. I am getting myself, are
reading this together. I'm gonna get these pizza her coupons.
I am reading for the children. I am the lie Brarie.
And sometimes you just catch a vibe behind somebody and
you're like, oh, let me stay the funk away from you.
(21:46):
There's just certain people like that. We're just like, especially
as like as a woman, there's just start like something.
I got a guy coming with me. He's like, hey,
can I just went Nope, And I walked up. My
friend was like what happened. I was like, girl, I
was gonna end up on the fucking news if I
talked to that man, and look, I'm just saying, it
would have found me in various appliances. I'm gonna broken
(22:13):
fucking barb. But then it just showed me back together.
I look like that damn bitch from what's it, uh
fucking nightmare before Christmas, and it stitched me back together,
Like I fucking to our dog funk that I want
to open gasket. I promised my mama, Dad, if I
go first, you're gonna see me bitch fuck that. I'm
simply saying that based off what we've talked about some people,
(22:36):
they I feel like they grow up at a different
like level and layer and look just to bring it
all back. I felt the same way about Santa. Right.
I was told about Santa, and I stopped believing pretty young, right,
but then I think I was. I think I was eight,
So from like, that makes sense. Those kids are still
(22:57):
believe in Santa at like twelve and thirty. We're always like, okay, yeah,
but you see that's another lesson. That's another thing that
helps helps you evaluate your peers, right, is that I
think this person, we were all we were all sold
the same bill of goods. Not obviously not at all,
(23:18):
because there's different people who don't sell very Christmas anders.
I'm just saying, out of the mix of people who
were sold the same bill of goods, there's some people
that fell for it, some people that didn't fall for it,
some people that fell for it and then figured it
out pretty quick, and then some people who are still
just living a dream. Listen, And I think the thing
(23:39):
that always bugged me because I remember in school not
believing in Santa and being taught because I never believed
in them because to me just didn't make sense. And
I think the other reason that my mother did not
perpetuate this is because my mother worked hard. She raised
me my brother by herself, and so because of that,
I don't think she wanted us because like she would
(24:00):
get us, there'd be like, you know, when the gifts
would be from your sif I'm like your sibling, when
the gifts would be from her, and one of the
gifts would be from Santa, you know what I mean
among the gifts that we got, and there's always this
Santa gift. And by the time I was like, hey,
I was like, you know, I don't believe in Santa, right,
and my brother was like I don't either. She was
like okay, but we still got the Santa gift. And
(24:22):
the Santa gift was the gift that we didn't know
what we were going to get, right, some stuff we
picked out and then some stuff we get ladies and
surprise gift. So it was like this concept but none
of us believed it. I just could never get like, okay,
we would take this Chris Kringle thing or whatever Christmas
is like, this is the birth of Christ. This is
(24:42):
what we're doing right, because I like, I remember like
asking a girl I was friends was in college, like
you know, she was like because she had we were cool,
but she had a slick mouth. Sometimes one day I
asked he, I was like, why are do you? Because
she has a staunch atheist right to the point where
she was u like most most atheists are. It's always like,
(25:03):
it's always good to meet an atheist who doesn't tell
you they're an atheist, because usually when you meet an
atheist that I'm like, this their whole personality. It depends
on the person, because I feel like there are people
who atheism is kind of that um that strain of
cross fit or veganism or something where it's like if
(25:25):
you get into it enough, especially if you get into
it after growing up religious, I think that it becomes
a big It becomes a big marker for you of
the journey changed, right, because you're it's like you're being defiant, right.
But I asked her one day, I was like, wait,
if you're an atheist, why are you celebrating Christmas? And
(25:47):
she said, what do you mean? I said, Christmas? And
then it's most of the name, it's most it's not.
I I was like, Christ, It's it's it's seventy name,
It's Christ, It's Christ. Moss spoken extra extra, this is
the beginning of the Christ, the Christ child is born.
(26:10):
And she was like, well, you know, Christmas is a
religious holiday. And I was like, bitch, what do you mean.
I said, of course it is, because that's why people
who aren't Christian. That's why Jews don't celebrate it. That's
why Muslims don't celebrate it, and Buddhists and all the
all of these other religious Hindus, all of these other
(26:35):
people of other religious don't celebrate Christmas because they're not
Christian and she's like, well, it's an American holiday, and
I said, it's literally a religious holiday. That's so funny.
It's an American holiday is probably the most American thing
a person could say, because it's like, you know, when
you go to you know, Ecuador at Christmas time, they're
(27:00):
gonna have Christmas Christmas. When you're the Philippines, when you
go to Mexico, Mexico, Kenya, China, Afghanistic, anywhere that has
Christmas time is always Christmas time. I did find out
one of my my old boss, her husband was Romanian
(27:21):
Orthodox and they celebrate Christmas on a different day. Oh yeah,
some some people do this thing of like it's the
general time. But yeah, I've heard of some people. Some
people even have their like like people who do go
to church forward and stuff have their church service on
the day. Some of them have it the day before,
(27:42):
some of them only really have it the Sunday leading
up to right, So you're talking about Christmas by non really?
She was like yeah, And I was like, so you're
celebrating presents and gift giving? What do you girl? She
was so angry at me. It probably it didn't help
that we were at her house making Christmas cookies, and
I was like, so why are you celebrating this holiday?
This is what are we even doing? You're literally stirring
(28:06):
things up, you know, with your words. So you know,
can take cause one of my brother has a picture
with Black Santa for when he's a kid, and you like,
just like different cultures where like they're Jesus like kind
(28:27):
of like up to what they look like? Can't they clause?
Because I follow the real Black Santa on Instagram? But
also I was like, well, there's a lot of Korean churches,
right because Koreans, you know, com Samni shoot, you know,
Koreans fuck with Jesus. A lot of them do. When
(28:48):
Santa comes to the Korean church, is it a white
man or is he Korean? Look? I think that that
does depend on the culture. You you reminded me of
it you in what did I remind you of? One time? Okay?
(29:10):
This is who knows if anyone will five this foddy?
So you know how sometimes when you're when you're growing up,
different kids just have different like home situations, their parents
have different levels of income, right, And I remember one
time I was I don't know if it was an
(29:32):
after school thing, or if it was soccer, it was something,
it was some extracurricular thing because me and this kid
did not go to school together, right, And I asked him,
you know what Santa got him for Christmas? Because we're
all little, We're like seven or something, right, And I'll
never forget this because even at the time, I was like,
even without understanding jokes yet, because you know, you you
(29:54):
laugh when you're a kid and starw that, but I
didn't understand jokes, like I wasn't a joke writer when
I was seven, you know, and so but I still
understood like puns and word play and all. Looking at
this kid and he's still probably to this day doesn't
know how funny what he said was. But uh, but
I asked him what he got for Christmas? Like what
(30:16):
if this kid said, all said, all I got from
Santa this year was a cold, right, because he went
to the mall as Santa was clearly sick that day. Right,
So then sat over here, like what do you want
from Chris? And so this kid said he literally was
(30:41):
like laid it back from Santa a little bit because
he's in his lap. But he's like said over here,
like sniffling, like using his beard to wipe his nose
and stuff, and it was like he was like, I
think I got a cold, and I think I got
it from Santa, because like nobody in my family is
said it and it but so I guess he didn't
(31:02):
even get any presents. That's what I'm saying. Yes, that
that's why I thought maybe some listeners might not find
the entire story funny, but I I feel like it's
important and it's an important lessons. We were talking about lessons,
which is one of the reasons I have the stance
that I have. But you keep saying that, like say,
but littlest lessons don't seem like fun lessons, Like it's
(31:24):
the less I hear you. But it's like it seems
to be like, oh, you asked Santa for this new
toy truck and you got socks. Right. You don't know
that your family can't afford this new toy truck. You
just know you got socks or you asked for you know,
something outrageous. It's like, Okay, you have no athletic skills
(31:47):
in any fucking form or fashion, and you wanted this
expensive baseball glove. They your parents got you a truck.
They didn't. It's not the sand they didn't hear you,
is that they know you have no athletic skills. And
the Monday they would have spent on this baseball glove
because you want to be a baseball player and you
have sucking two four your four left feet. Stuff can
(32:09):
get blamed on Santa. But then when you but but
but think about it, like then you becoming it, Like
you get a little older, you learn Santa is not
real and it's like, okay, well then why didn't I
get my baseball gloved? Yeah? Or just like or just
general like, na, we weren't gonna doing We're not doing
that over here. So it's like, I guess I've never
(32:30):
understood the point of the magic of Christmas is the
virgin birth. So I don't know if we added in
more magic because it's around the solstice time and you know,
trying to convert Pagans into Christianity, so you put it
at that time, which is why they say Easter at
the time that it is, and that's why the Easter
bunny and the eggs I'll go along with Easter. That's
(32:51):
always been confusing for me. Also, did you know, I
know I didn't know. I was a full I'm talking
about graduated from college, found this out. Did you know
that the Easter bunny is supposed to bring it in
Easter basket like Santa brings you presents? No? Really, do
you think they were selling Easter baskets? I just thought
(33:13):
it was a thing because there was a buddy and
eggs and eggs go in a basket. Because my mother
called the Eastern was Resurrection Day. Yeah, absolutely, so it
was like my aunt my godmother would give us Easter baskets.
But I because my mother never really told her that
Santa Claus was and she definitely wasn't on She's like,
I'm not telling you. I was like, I asked her
as an adult. I was like, why didn't She's like,
(33:34):
I wasn't try to do that. I think that I
didn't you the way did you get an Easter basket?
I did get the Easter basket? Some years. There was
one year where I'm like, I don't know if there's
there's a year where the it started to gap a
little bit. I can tell you Eastern baskets, once you
(33:54):
get past the age of like nine, Easter baskets suck.
They're not good. No, what you're an older like when
you're a little kid, it's like here's little little toy
like little things, and then once you get older, it's
like you put a fucking football in a basket I
didn't want. Yeah, what want half of these things? Or
(34:18):
I only want half of these things. Also, I think
it's weird that like in America we say Merry Christmas,
but in the UK. In the UK, they say Happy Christmas.
And I'm like, you motherfucker seemed like the one who
will be using the word mary. Yeah, no, that is switched,
I think pretty heavily. Like that's like that's that seems
like we should be saying happy. They should be saying
(34:40):
Mary Mary. Now okay, this this is where because you
were mentioning the lessons, you were mentioned lessons, but also
it's I don't understand. I guess I've never understood the point,
like for instance, like I don't understand the point of
(35:01):
the Easter Bunny either, because Christians only got you holidays. Yeah,
the Easter Bunny is to me like almost indefensible. It
doesn't make any sense to me. I'm like, where does
name come from? Who sent him? At least st Nicholas
I think was an actual sat right. Yeah, and and
(35:22):
and it's a bigger thing overall in the world. So
Santa Claus. There are some countries that have Babushka, there's
some countries that have like there's there's so many different
versions of this same thing. Isn't it the Dutch dude
that has the slave? I know about like Black Pete,
but I don't know if that's Santa to them. Yeah,
(35:44):
So children are taught to believe they received their presence
from St. Nicholas who was accompanied by a black servant
called Black Peter. Adults will dress up as St. Nicholas
and Black Peter, a white person painted in black face,
and visit children an adult. So yeah, Black Peter is deserving.
He's a slave. And they are trying to step stop
(36:05):
them from dressing in black face, and they're like, but
it's a tradition and there's only seventeen black people here. Sorry,
are you gonna stop? The Duchess the Netherlands, so I
don't know how many of us live there. Um, I
don't do cold white countries. So like in the UK
(36:25):
is a Happy Christmas said of merry Christmas, but then
they call Santa Claus Father Christmas, which makes more sense
than Santa Claus. Here's my thing with Santa versus Father Christmas. Okay,
I feel like Father Christmas gets a little too close
to like confusing the children, you know, because it's like
(36:49):
Father Christmas feels too much like Jesus's dad, whereas Santa
Claus feels like a totally different character. Okay. You know,
like I I used to hear people say Father Christmas.
I was like, I don't know if I'm with that one.
You know, that makes sense? I mean I still always
(37:11):
it just made always be more sense to me because
it's like, oh, we get presents on Christmas because the
baby Jesus got presents. Well, if the presents on Christmas
because the baby Jesus got presents, then why is it
the why the three Wise Men is the one bringing
us the presents? No that So when you said that
at the beginning of the episode, that made a lot
of sense to me. And I'm surprised no one has
done that as a I'm surprised that thing never caught on.
(37:34):
If there's such a shared understanding of the story of Christmas. Um,
I think that for me when it comes to telling
kids about Christmas. The second side, the unfair and the
sad side of the lesson and everything is the disappointment,
you know, because like they're like, you know, Santa sees
you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. So
(37:56):
Santa's a fucking stalker, which is a joke that's been
made a million times. When I get it's like it's
like that whole Elf on the shelf thing where it's like, hey,
this tiny el is gonna watch everything you do and
if you mess up, he's gonna I've heard people go,
if you actually had you're gonna tell Santa. And it's like, then,
what did you do the other eleven months of the
fucking year when your child was acting like a maniac?
(38:17):
Have we used in Santa? You're just in a strong march,
just flying through April, going Santa Santa. Santa is like
this child is four, he doesn't remember yesterday, Like why
are you telling him about like anyway with Santa. But
it's like I remember, like the first time, like learning
about the story of Christmas, right the virgin birth. They're going,
there's no room at the end. You're born in a manger,
(38:39):
weezy f baby. Right. So I remember the whole time
hearing this whole story in the three and the Frank instance,
murder Gold, you know, the stars and all this other stuff.
I remember going, but where is Santa? And my mother
was like, what I said, where is Santa? If this
is the story of Christmas, where is Santa? And she
(39:00):
was like, great question. And then she had explained to
me how Santa was not involved with the baby Jesus.
And I was like, so he wasn't there. No, remembering
the school being like, well, if Santa wasn't there, why
is he here now? Coca Cola, wake up, wake up.
(39:22):
Understand that there's there's a bigger thing at play. Okay,
then your little holiday. There's a grind happening. Oh no, no, no,
Santa been on a grind for decades now. The Coca
Cola bottling company, so was it Co Coldpla and Company.
That's what That's what we call a partnership. Okay. Santa
(39:44):
is a brand ambassador, al right, pushing this Coca Cola
to the children, to the America's I wish that I
could be on my hustle the way Santa is. All right,
say you live somewhere like Australia because comes it's hot,
Christmas comes Florida and ship sure, sure, I'm with Christmas.
(40:08):
And it's very interesting because it's like when your my
brother got a super soaker for Christmas because it was
Miami in December. Yeah. Yeah, And I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what. Right now, you want to talk
about Australia, you wanna talk about Florida or whatever. Santa
makes it over there too, because he's on his grind,
all right, on a hundred thousand going how many miles
(40:30):
per hour it takes to get from Australia to the
North Pole to Florida. He does it all in one night,
in one night. All right. If you told me that
all I had to do to have a nearly year
off was to grind for one night, I do it. Listen,
but I think I remember as a kid almost trying
(40:50):
to justify it. It's like, Okay, there's probably the whole
countries that he gets to skip. There are countries that
he gets to skip. But he also got the plan
and he got the logistics right. You never see somebody
ever tap their temple that's actually saying something smart. He
got the logistics. Okay, you see what I'm saying right here,
he got the logistics down all right, He got his
(41:12):
routes already planned out. He got the elves. Because that's
the other thing that people don't realize that sometimes sometimes
it's about synergy. Sometimes it's about building yourself up and
they're having people under you. So then you got Santa
right here, right, and then he got five elves that
also got five elves that they were there friends, and
then they each get five elves, and so you get
(41:33):
a little triangle going right, and then a real pyramid.
We don't really use words like that because that's that's
the type of stuff the haters say. Okay, so anyway,
you got your triangle of success. But listen, if you
want a triangle of success, would you rather have a
one side or would you rather have a triangle with
(41:54):
four size? That? I mean, now you think it? Now
you thinking that that's actual hustling. That's once again, I
don't know what's not clicking for you, about what's helpful
and what's hateful. Okay, so you only do three sided pyramids,
(42:17):
you know, I can tell, I can tell what somebody's
not gonna take the mission seriously, like I could tell
with some six no, no, no, I can I can tell.
That's that's cool, that's cool. I get it. You aren't
ready to receive the message, you know, you're not really
ready to be on it like Santa's on it. So
when do you buy one? I found out that because
(42:40):
for some reason, the conversation of the genders of the
reindeer came up, because because that's why the funk not
and somebody was saying that all of them are a
male and then I was looking at it and it's
like they weren't. Apparently all of them would have to
be female, including Rudolph. Including Rudolph. Oh okay, because of
(43:06):
the time of year, and also female reindeer also have antlers.
Let's google. Is what I'm saying is that there's a
lot of things that we ask because it comes to
stuff like this, uh, because like we're trying to do
the logistics, we're trying to like, oh it already, I said,
we're Santa's reindeer. Here we go, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
comic keeper, daughter, and Blitzen and yes, even Rudolph. Our
(43:29):
ladies the original eight first introduced in the three poem
a visit. This is so funny. Who runs the slave girls?
Science says Sanders red deer are all actually female. And
this is in People magazine. Let me tell you something
that just makes me respect Santa even more, all right,
(43:50):
because it makes me respect women. Oh so the males
of the species shed their headgear mid December. Mm hmmm,
so they wouldn't have so while these dudes out here
with busted tail lights right right. Santa was like, ladies,
we gotta do we we It's up to us, all right,
(44:12):
is you? Me and the Elms wherever they are? Santa?
Is I think it's good for the children. No, he's not.
It's the thing is, it's there are parents that work
very hard, very hard to give their children Christmas. Might
(44:33):
work an extra job. I remember when you remember the
footage from the tick of the Elmos, when the women
I'm with you. Yeah, I just fought for seven bitches
in a target at two in the morning to get
your little last is Elmo. I threw bows for you.
I threw bows for you. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm
just saying I don't I didn't even bring my purse.
(44:55):
Your mom did it perfectly. Your Mom did it perfectly.
Some of the presents from me, some of them are
from Santa. Parents worked really hard to give their kids Christmas,
and this motherfucker gets all the credit. I listen, I
gave multiple people black eyes for you to get this
(45:16):
Teddy Rucks pen. I had to boat somebody else to
get two of them because I didn't want for you
and your brother. Mm hmm anna, thank you, Santa. Santa
is not icing his knee right now. Santa does not
have frozen peas on his knuckles right now, then that's
the gift that comes from mom, all right, But the
(45:38):
plaid shirt can be from Santa. Why don't you knock
Santa down a peg. I'm saying, if you're if you're
taking this route, I'm saying to the parents, how about
you be a little bit more inventive. How about you
make it so that when you have to tell your
kids that Santa is not real, they're like, I didn't
like his presence anyway. This dude was garbage day one.
Have given me socks an underwear? You know what? Every year?
(46:01):
If you if you're really worried about this, I'm just
gonna say, in order for your kid to bothe. I
think this is a good middle ground between the two
of us. We don't usually do middle grounds, but I'm
a try right. I think a good middle ground between
the two of us is go ahead and tell your
kid about Santa. But for every Christmas when they ask
Santa for all the stuff, you get the stuff that
they want from Santa, and then you put the gift
(46:23):
under the tree from Santa, and it's just crackers. It's
just salteines, you know. And look, some kids love crackers.
Some kids will be like, oh my gosh, salteines, I
needed some of these. But overall you can be like,
all right, look, Santa clearly not coming through heavy with
the presents. And so then the years from now, hopefully
(46:45):
just a couple when you have to tell your kid
that Sands not real, they get to learn a lesson
about life and they're not as let down because now
they know you were the one putting in the work
for those presents to begin with. Okay, but yeah, we'll
kick it to you the listener. You know, how do
you feel about do you think that people should be
told about Santa should not be told about Santa? Do
(47:05):
you think it's harmful or helpful. Do you think that
we did a good job presenting to you the facts
of our argument and some pretty good along the way things.
Thank you for listening to Hold Up. You can catch
me on the Show Shows, So Shows, Damn at Dulstay
Sloan on Everything, and you can also check out Josh Johnson.
(47:27):
Um I'm Josh Johnson Comedy on TikTok, Instagram YouTube find
me at those places um. I also do a podcast
called The Josh Johnson Show you can check out. And
other than that, I'm just looking to be around, meet you,
hit me up. You know. I want to hear about
your day. I'm just chilling, you know, tell me a
(47:50):
crazy story I'd love to hear. Thank you listen to
Hold Up. Ho Ho no Ah. Tell your kids about
Say I'm su
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