February 1, 2021 • 42 mins
This week we are diving into how to date with intention so that you can manifest your ideal human and kick all of those other scrubs to the curb. Today, Zuri is chatting with Dating Expert, Elsa Moreck, whose sharing her 5 step methodology on finding your F*ck Yes partner!
We’re learning how to channel our charm and turn up the dial of our feminine magnetism. It’s time to get our intent on, be selective, and captivate our dream dates. Be sure to stay until the end for this week’s Party Trick: If you’re tired of being left on read, you’re gonna love this freebie! Elsa’s sharing the one text you'll ever need to send, to get a response from someone who is ghosting you.
Read the Shownotes for the full list of resources + links from today’s episode.
ICYMI: Listen to Episode 9: How to Be Single & (Not Just Pretend to) Love It
ICYMI: Listen to Bonus Episode: The Craziest Single Years Sh#t We've Ever Done
ICYMI: Listen to Episode 1: How to Be Happy
Follow @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess on Instagram to keep the good vibes going.
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot Happy Mess celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Happy. I'm Zeri Hall and this is Hot
Happy Made. Hello. Hello, Welcome to Hot Happy Mess, y'all.
(00:28):
I am your host, Zuri Hall, and we are back
at it for another week of making the most out
of the moments we're in and helping one another find
the magic in the middle of our messes. Today to day,
we are diving in to how to date with Intengit
so that you can manifest your dream partner. Okay, you're
(00:52):
ideal human and kick all of those other nonsense, nonsensical
nancies to the curb. But I don't know anyways. Uh,
stay tuned until the end for this week's party trick.
The one text you'll ever need to send to get
a response from someone who's ghosting you. That's big claim, y'all,
(01:16):
big claim, But I'm making it. Okay, our dating expert
is gonna hook you up with what you should send
if somebody tries to go crickets on that ad hear me? Okay,
how you feeling good? I hope so I'm feeling pretty
good for me. It's the weekend right now, I am
sipping a little coffee pro tip. Throw a little Frangelico
(01:38):
in that bad boy if you're feeling feisty, little Hazel
liqueur um. Only since it's the weekend, I make the
excuse for myself that it's brunch brunch vibes at the
very least, And speaking of weekend is um um. Today
I am chilling out. I made spaghetti, so I feel
like an adult with all of the things in my kitchen,
(01:59):
like actual ingredients. I have been so bad about just
delivering food nonstoff, and so I'm trying to slow it
down a little bit because it ain't cheap. And they
try to get you. They try to they try to
play you, They try to play us, like we're done.
You'll you know what I'm saying, Because here's the thing.
They're like, oh, no delivery fees. But have you noticed
or is it just me that even though those delivery
(02:22):
fees are technically free, these little service fees and secret
charges and whatever the heck else's have started to slowly
creep up. I'm like, okay, cool, my delivery fee was
zero dollars, but since when did the service fee become
like I will walk to the restaurant and get the
food myself, So sometimes on principal I do. I don't walk,
(02:43):
but I'll drive and go pick it up. Anyways, Mini
are an Sorry. Los Angeles is slowly creeping out of lockdown. Obviously,
we're all trying to stay safe and we had a
crazy spike recently and it's starting to level off. So
outdoor dining is starting to open up again, which is,
you know, kind of exciting. I'm cautiously optimistic for everyone.
(03:05):
But speaking of outdoor dining, that means dates, right, depending
on where you are in the country, and maybe you're
not even in this country. No matter where you are,
no matter what country you're in, the dating game is
ever elusive and it's only become more complicated in this
technological universe for in these days. But whatever you're doing,
I hope you're staying safe. Y'all better be masking up
(03:26):
on these dates. Okay, don't be spreading the VID trying
to get shows. Now. If you are dating, or if
you're thinking about it, then you are really gonna love
this week's episode because I'm going one on one with
an amazing dating coach. And I gotta say I wish,
I wish that I'd had a podcast like this that
I'd gone out of my way to learn stuff like
(03:47):
this because I wish I dated more intentionally in my
younger years. So I'm talking about like in college, immediately after,
like my early even into mid twenties, because I just
kind of whatever, Like, yes, I just made that a herb,
but I feel like you know exactly what it is
I'm talking about, Like I was a girl who I
(04:09):
didn't really grow up thinking about, you know, in any
concrete terms, like my wedding day or the exact guy
I would be with, Like yeah, I have my crushes
and whatever, like me and J Bug what I was
Mrs Bug for a good three years of my high
school experience. He didn't know it, but I did. That's
all that mattered. I would literally write like Jarrell Houston.
(04:31):
I'm pretty sure that's his name, his full name, his
government um over rinch over again. That's just how sprung
I was. For the Sprung was probably a good six months.
And then we went to a B two K concert
and my papa and my grandpa took me and my
friend and we were so hyped to be there. I
had my little side ponytail with the denim jump suit.
This was real. J lo Jenny from the block with
(04:54):
her denim jump suits and Aviator sunglasses. They probably had
Rhyan stones on it. Oh god, I hope there are
no photos of this. And I was just on cloud
nine that entire concert. And then at the end, me
and my friend we're trying to like hang around after
and see if we could see B two K coming
out the side, and he was like, if you're don't
get in this car, it's probably the moment he was like,
(05:16):
Oh my god, it's my granddaughter out here, and being
a fourteen year old groupie, I will be damned. So
we got in the car. We went home. But anyways,
that was a tangent. But it's when that made me
smile because I was saying I didn't really think super
hard about like who I would be with in the end,
because I was so career minded and focus kind of
(05:36):
on what I wanted to do professionally from a really
early age. I'm talking like seven, eight, nine, ten years old,
But I didn't put as much thought into what my
personal life would look like or my romantic relationships. But um,
what I will say is had I thought more about
what I wanted before I even started dating or started
(06:00):
talking to different guys. It would have been way easier
when a boy came around, to be quite frank, to
be like knitting in and we're not doing that because
I've already got my list, I've got my dues, I've
got my don't I've got my yeses in my nose,
and you ain't it. The red flags are waving. They
are on fire. That's just how brightly they are burning red.
(06:21):
I would have had that, but I didn't always. I
was a pretty good judge of character generally speaking. But
every now and then I might have dated just for
a little bit. I'm talking about like a few weeks
here or a few months um, someone that, in hindsight,
I wouldn't have wasted any time on had I been
more specific about who I wanted to be with before
(06:42):
I got involved. Because it's like as soon as you
meet somebody, y'all going a little dinner day, the vibes
are there. He's kind of cute. Have you ever had
it happened where you go out with someone and then
suddenly what you want just slowly starts to morph or
evolve into them, you know, or like I think I
could this could work. Oh she's nice. Or he's cool
(07:03):
or whatever it is. When you have that that list
already kind of set out, it makes it much easier
to just decipher and just cut through the bs and
be like, this is what I want or this isn't
what I want, And it will save you a lot
of time and sometimes a lot of heartache on the
back end too, because what we don't want is to
end up in a whole relationship and be like, how
(07:25):
the hell did I get here? Okay, energy flows where
the intention goes, So don't flow your way into home.
Me out the passenger side of his best friend's ride,
unless unless, unless, unless that's what you want. Just to
be sure it is no judgment. Girl. I love riding
in the passenger side of my best friend's ride. But
(07:45):
I also like that I can get in my car
and drive myself when I decide that's what I want
to do. Okay, It's kind of like there's this example
that I love, uh that says you know, It's kind
of like if you decide to look for the color
orange right no matter where you go, Um, you set
the intention I am going to see orange things, and
(08:08):
then you give yourself the day to look for them.
You will see more orange than you have ever seen
in your life, the orange of the street cone, the
orange of someone's jacket, an orange car. Because you're looking
for it, you see it. That That really is what
I believe to be true about setting intentions and then
watching those things start to come to you, because it
(08:31):
is so much easier when you know what you're looking
for to notice it immediately when you see it. And
that theory translates to relationships and to dating. So it
is time to get our intent on? Intent on? Is
that what you would is that? How you would say that?
Get our intention on? I don't know. It's time to
date with intention. Okay, so I've got an amazing dating coach.
(08:53):
Here we go. Elsa Moric as a high end dating
coach and author who helps high performers captivate the people
they want to date. We are about to captivate today, y'all.
She has been featured in Tender Bitches, Puff Post, and
a host of other places, dropping truth bombs about modern
dating and When she is not playing hitch, Elsa loves binge,
(09:14):
eating cookie dough, teaching herself foreign languages, and belly dancing.
My kind of girl. I love it so here we go.
This is Elsa. Alright, Elsa, thank you so much for
joining me today. I'm super excited. This is one of
my favorite topics. I just I love love. I love
the psychology of it, how to make it last. It's
fascinating and a little bit scary and sometimes very complicated.
(09:37):
But that's where you come in, right, Yeah, I would
say it's my favorite topic to talk about too. Why
I finally decided as an adult to monetize it. M H.
And as I mentioned in your bio, you are a
dating coach for so for people who may be new
to that concept or that I do, or maybe have
(09:58):
preconceived notions about it, means what do you do? I
would would describe what I do akin to what a
personal trainer does for people at the gym. I just
helped take the art and science of human connection and
I make it more digestible. So one of my areas
(10:19):
of expertise is essentially helping high performing men and women
learn how to unders understand each other better so they
can have more fulfilling relationships in a world where frankly,
dating has become extremely impersonal and as you were saying earlier,
(10:39):
even more complicated. So yeah, And it's so funny because
to your point about it becoming more and more impersonal,
it's like the same thing we we hear so often
these days, whether it's friendship, keeping up with your family relationship.
We on the surface seem more connected than ever because
everyone is at her fingertips. But I feel like for
that very reason, we take for granted the actual opportunity
(11:04):
to connect. Because if I don't talk to day, I'll
talk tomorrow. Oh I texted him, so that counts, Like
that is not the same as sitting with someone face
to face and really putting in the effort to engage
and be present. Well, and there's just this illusion of options.
So if you see the illusion illusion, because it's really
(11:26):
easy to have all these matches on a dating app
and to think to yourself that these are all potential
people that you could be romantically and inclined to be with,
which is only very partly true because if you were
actually to get down to it, you're probably not going
to have chemistry with a lot of people that you
(11:47):
match with. But what that does is when you are
on a date with someone, you're nitpicking because in your mind,
you're like, well, I have this long list of people
waiting twenty other people in the yeah, or you might
not even show up to a date. You might flake
all together. And it's not It doesn't just happen on
dating apps, like even when we meet you know, when
(12:08):
you meet people in person. What I see a lot
is just taking people for granted because there's this idea
that there's always going to be something better, which we
will probably get into this. I'm all for people holding
out for their fun yest match. I'm all for that,
And that's what I wanted to bring up next, because
(12:30):
you have is it a five step methodology, the fun
yes approach to your love life? Right? What is that? Well,
it's three steps when I first start working with people,
and then the last two steps is once they're actually
in a relationship. But okay, yeah, because I believe that
(12:50):
the skill set to maintain a relationship is very different
than the skill set needed to find a relationship, dating
and relating once you're actually in it with someone, they're different.
But for the purpose of someone single watching this, the
three steps that I walk my clients through our self
(13:11):
awareness strategy and selection. Well, self awareness, understanding yourself, knowing
your patterns, the type of people that you dated. Why
understanding how your childhood in your relationship with your parents
has an impact on the partners that you choose. Strategy
(13:33):
meaning like good old tactics. They're not the most important thing,
but they're definitely important. Okay, wait, give us some strategy
else that Seduction is a strategy when you are on
a date. Do you know how to really tap into
(13:54):
your feminine essence and make a guy find you intriguing?
Not making find you intriguing and show him that you're intriguing.
Do you know how to express your fullest feminine expression?
Do you do you understand how charisma works? And this
is all These are all things that can be taught.
(14:16):
Being a better listener, softening your voice, yeah, like laughing, smiling,
showing him that you're having a good time. Strategy is
also where to meet people right now, it's COVID. We
had an expert on recently who was like just sliding
(14:38):
the d m s. Take it to Twitter, Instagram. I
never never looked at the social media platforms as basically
a way to make a love connection. But now I'm like,
these relationships are popping up left and right, and they're
no more or less random than if you mass with
someone on an app or met someone at a bar.
I love that you said that, because I've always said
(14:58):
that about dating apps. I have a lot of clients
I work with, like one of the first things they
tell me is I want to get off apps, Like
I want to work with you and get off apps,
And I always honor if that's if that's really what
they want, I will always honor it. But I always
like to remind people that the app is just a tool.
There's very little difference between us being at a party
(15:19):
and me introducing you to someone that I think would
be a good fit. And I mean there is definitely
a difference, but like if your friend introduced you to someone,
then the app matching you with someone who is in
close proximity to you has similar interests. Like the app
is just doing what your friends practically the same thing. Yeah,
like I think feel like this person. Okay, so that's strategy.
(15:42):
Selection can be a part of the strategy. Okay, what
else do we have in the steps? Selection? So selection
is very, very, very very important, And selection is often
where most of the people that I work with struggle
because I do work with a lot of high performers,
meaning people who are contrary to popular belief, because you
(16:03):
were saying, like, some people might have a stigma around
dating coaching, but I actually work with people who are attractive, successful,
and socially intelligence. So it's not that they don't know
how to carry themselves or have a good conversation with someone,
but a lot of times they don't know how to
choose people. So what ends up happening is they drained
(16:26):
their energy by hanging out with the wrong people and
then kind of just assuming that everyone's like that, so
I even try. So selection is about how do you
start knowing from the very early conversations with someone whether
they are what you're looking for or not? Okay? And
(16:46):
when it comes to selection, what sort of questions do
you recommend people asking straight out of the gate, Like
what is a okay, let's save that for maybe day
four or five. I don't want to freak them out.
And then what is perfectly fine to kind of get
to the heart of quickly so that you know whether
or not you need to move on? What are you
looking for out of dating? Pretty basic, but a lot
(17:10):
of people don't need to ask it. Oh right, that's
just fun. Long term relationship, marriage, like get that up
front exactly. Yeah, And some people get kind of freaked
out because like, is that too much? Like I have
a lot of my female clients tell me I don't
want to seem like too much, and I'm like, girl,
if he things are too much, then he's not the
(17:32):
right person. And you want to know about the front,
like it's that's your filter, that's your way of filtering people.
So what do you want out of dating? I love
to ask what was your past relationship? Like, there's so
much that you can tell from someone's answer about that.
Do they blame their acts, they take ownership for their part?
(17:54):
All that good stuff? Oh yeah. I love to ask,
if your life is a book, what are the next
three chapters? Oh? Forward thinking that was a little plat twist.
I thought we were going to the past chapters. Okay,
So basically, what story are you trying to write? So
I can decide if I want to be a character exactly.
(18:18):
And because you don't want it to feel like an interview,
if you start like what are you looking for out
a dating? Telling me about your last relation, chip, what's
your goals for the next five years, the person can
be like whoa like. I wasn't expecting to show up
to an interview, but when you sandwich and these like
questions that are a little bit more abstract, but that's
still get you your answers, Like that question will tell
(18:40):
you so much. Another question I love is what's an
ideal Sunday for you? If you won the lottery tomorrow,
how would you spend your money? That's really fun for
knowing how someone manages their finances right, right, if they
spend dollars y'all in the next forty eight hours, you
(19:02):
might want to run because y'all are going to be
broke together. And love. I've had clients come back and
tell me like, oh, he said he would travel all
over the world and take all his friends with him
and that that was all community here. And she was like, Wow,
we're definitely not a fit. This is not gonna work,
but thanks for dinner. Have a nice life. I just
(19:28):
love icebergers like that, conversation starters, thoughts starters. I was
joking with one of my colleagues. We're both like the
annoying girlfriend who's like, so, I have a question for you.
It's like two o'clock in the morning and you just
want to pick someone's brain. But I feel like when
dumb playfully, even on those first, second, third dates, it
can be charming and they're they're more um to open
(19:49):
up because it's like, Okay, she's just you know, maybe
she's a little quirky or whatever. He's a little quirky.
But like, I like that their head is in creative places.
Who wants to go sit down at dinner and get
asked this saying thing a thousand times by a thousand
different people, or like you said, make it feel like
a job interview. Nobody wants that. But I think it's
all about presentation and personality. Yes, exactly, So get this, Like,
(20:14):
I actually have a service where I watched my clients
on dates. Do you Yes, it's a virtual service, And
I basically, because I work with both men and women,
I'll pair them off, and I usually pair them up
with someone that I know they'll find attractive, even if
the personality is in all the way there, I'm more
concerned with them just being attracted to them. Attracted to
(20:34):
them that way, it feels like a real date. And
then I just sit and watch and I give them feedback.
So I've seen conversations where the entire time, they never
get beyond small talk. It's just like where do you live,
what made what? Like, what inspired you to move there?
(20:56):
Tell me about your job? And they go on these
like twenty five minute tangents. And I asked him after,
I'm like, was that an exciting story for you to tell?
Because you look like you're on autopilot the entire time,
And usually they're like, yeah, I wasn't really fun. And
then the person listening to it, I'm like, was that
a fun story for you to listen to? And they're
usually like, absolutely not, I learned nothing about that person story.
(21:19):
And it's just how how many times I've seen that happen,
where people just show up to these dates and they
just get lost and nothingness, And so like when you're
saying like presentation and personality, yeah, if you bring questions
that are very important to you, Like if you're a
woman who wants to date with intentionality and you're tired
(21:42):
of Peter Pans, you're tired of like men who are noncommittal,
and you're tired of wasting your builders that's what I
call them. You just have to to build a boyfriends
where you're just like I'll take anything. At this point,
I'm gonna commit to his potential instead of what I
actually see in the flesh. I love that. Yeah, it's
(22:04):
a project, not a partner, right, So you want to
end up in that situation like you have to ask
these questions. And I love that you mentioned personality and
presentation because that's all it is. Like you could ask
that question while smiling and cocking your and getting that
you need. You guys can't see you right now, but
(22:28):
just for the record, she's so beautiful and stunning. And
she just did a little a little finesse, a little
shoulder thing, y'all. I'm telling you, I'm already sold. I'm like,
if I if I was ready to hit the market,
if I needed dating advice, this is your this is
your woman. She is a coach for sure, because she
just turned it on and I was like, okay, tank two,
let's go go. So always got that questions when I do,
(22:52):
that is so cute. And I look in your eyes
and I asked you my question and I listened attentively.
You're gonna give me everything I need to know right right?
Oh my god. I love that. Okay, so we've got selection.
What was the next one? Did I miss one? Was next?
So self awareness, strategy, strategy, collection in selection. Okay, got it.
(23:14):
So those are the three that happened before someone's inner relationship,
and you can help them with that as a dating coach.
What are the next two steps that happened after they've
sealed the deal? After they seal the deal, it is
solidification and sustainability. So what I mean by that is,
(23:36):
we've been seeing each other for a while. Now I
really like you. I met your friends, you've met mine,
We've passed all the tests. How are we going to
solidify this relationship? Mm hmm making sure that What does
that look like? What does that mean? Yeah? It looks
like different things for different people first and and it
also looks like different things at different stages. So what
(23:58):
I like to say about the five steps is that
you're actually always kind of cycling through them. Even once
you've sealed the deal. You still have to be self aware.
Even when you're in the relationship, there's still strategy to
communicating with your partner, there's still selection. You have to
keep choosing your partner over and over and over and
over again, and you're still solidifying your connection years later
(24:21):
and you still have to do the work to sustain it.
So this is not like a one and done um
but first little vacation. It might mean the exclusive talk
to define the relationship conversation. It might mean like, okay, well,
now that we have to find the relationship, I would
like to hear from you every day, and I would
like it like I what I would really what I
(24:43):
need from you is to hear a good morning and
a good night like that makes me feel seen by you. Yeah,
I that's That's another example of solidifying your commitment to someone.
It also might look like, you know, once you feel
ready having the are we fit to move in together?
A conversation? And if we do move in together, what
(25:06):
does that look like? Do we get our own place?
Move into his place as we move into mine? So
all those like nitty grady logistical details. If we're a
long distance is one of us going to move closer
to the other, Like now that you have that phase
where you're like I've selected this person, there's actually a
lot of logistics involved in how to make it work
(25:27):
day today. So that's what that flification. So we're talking
like the road map of the relationship now, like what's
our north star, what is guiding us? Kind of building
up those pillars to figure out what type of foundation
you guys are are building a relationship. I love that
you bring that up, because a lot of people don't
think about that, myself included, I've gone through that. You're
just you're in the honeymoon phase and it's fun and
(25:47):
it's great and it's whatever, and so that sustains you,
and then you kind of turned a blind eye to
like the everyday stuff. You're like, oh, we'll figure it out,
level conquer or whatever. Inevitably, like the good vibes kind
of like maybe simmer a little bit and they can
still be something good, but you're not as love, you know, drunk,
and then you're like, wait, we never figured out who
(26:09):
the hell we actually are as a couple, so we're
just free falling right now and technically in love. I
have a friend who's fiance told me she's the starter
and I'm the finisher. And what he meant by that
she comes up with ideas for us, like big life ideas.
(26:30):
She's she's a visionary I actually execute like she's a closing.
He's the closer. Like, so she chose the house that
they were going to move into. She was like, I
feel it. This is our home and it had just
gone on the market. And I don't know if you
need anything about Austin's real estate market, but like it's
very hard, it's crazy. Yeah, this is like well because
(26:55):
also a lot of my l A friends are heading
that way. Everyone's piecing out for Texas exactly for good reason,
at least in love Austin. And yeah, Austin's often my
home now for sure. But yeah, he was like, she's
the starter and I'm a finisher. So that's something that
you solidify as a couple. Like in my last relationship,
he cooked, I cleaned. That was our setup. We got
(27:16):
very good at it, developed a system, like he got
the groceries, I organized them all onto the cabinet. So
like there's small things that you you negotiate as a
couple or that you it's your ability to make deals
with each other, like let's deal make. I don't like
the word compromise, but let's deal make and negotiate as
(27:37):
a couple getting what we need. I love that actually
because I have certainly felt sometimes when it is you know,
quote unquote compromising or whatever it is You're like, it
shouldn't feel like a battle though, right, Like, it shouldn't
like I what I hope for, you know, everyone listening
for my relationship is that meeting in the middle does
(28:00):
feel like a deal where both sides are winning because
we're on the same team and not like, Okay, he
won that one, I won this one. So we're just
conceding to one another back and forth, because that's not fun. No,
in every other contact contact, you wouldn't be happy with
a confrom Like the energy of the word compromise just
makes it feel like someone had to lose, right, So
(28:23):
deal making and interesting ability is how do you keep
it going? How do you keep it going, How do
you keep evolving as a couple, How do you keep
your intimate life passionate? How do you keep seeing each
other even when things get hard, even when things get mundane?
(28:45):
And that's how do we do that? Also help help
I was gonna say, like, that's probably one of the
most challenging things, but if I had to sum it up,
I would say two things. Never stop getting curious about
your partner. In other words, never assume that the person
(29:05):
who left that day is coming back as the same person.
Always be curious to their growth, how they're changing, how
they're because they're always evolving to write. And then the
second thing would be never stop being curious about yourself
and the life that you're building. Because what happens a
(29:27):
lot of times is when we're in partnership for a
long time and I know I can relate to this
on a personal level. Um, we start assuming that the
other person is just who we know them. Ask so
we talked to them the way we talked to him yesterday,
and we we project onto them who they've been without
(29:47):
seeing that they're growing and they're changing and maybe what
they needed last week is not what they need this week.
And we stopped doing it for ourselves too, because we
get so wrapped up in this identity a of like
I am a partner to this person, that we forget
like who were being individually and we Because not everyone
(30:12):
experiences this, but I know that when I say we,
I at least see me and I've seen that in
past partnerships, Like the other person and I just stop
getting curious about each other and about yourselves. Well, you
can say we and mean me too, so it can
be the two of us and anyone else who decides
they relate, which I'm sure as many people. I think
(30:32):
we've all most of us at least have experienced that.
So I love that you bring it up. Um, what
do you think when when we talk about limiting beliefs right?
Dating with intention a big It's one thing to say,
I'm going to manifest the man or the woman of
my dreams. I'm gonna manifest, manifest, manifest, but manifestation is
is a concept that can only work if truly, deep
(30:54):
down into your gut, you believe you're worthy of and
capable of getting those things. So how do you coach
folks out of their limiting beliefs so that if they
are dating with intention, they're vibrating out of frequency that
even allows them to keep or sustain what might come
their way because of what they're trying to attract. You're
(31:14):
speaking my language now, Yeah, manifesting love and letting go
of limiting beliefs. I would say that before for anyone
listening to this, before you go on your next date,
really assess how you feel about you because one of
the most common things that I see happen after dates,
(31:34):
and I see this happen with my friends too, is
they walk away asking themselves did that person like me?
And I don't hear often enough people asking themselves that
I really like that person? Are they a vibrational And
the only way to know whether you're manifesting with precision
(31:56):
is to observe the people that you attract, because I
believe that your lovers are your marriage. Everyone that you
attract is a mayor of you. So if you're if
you're not liking the quality of people that you're seeing,
then do more work on yourself, do more and and
work can mean meditate, work can mean spend time saying
(32:23):
affirmations in the mirror. And work can also mean hitting
the gym like it can mean oh no, that's the
last one I would here. That's the first one I
need to listen to always like please God no. But
then I always feel good after You're so right about that, yeah,
because it's first of all, you're going to be more confident,
(32:43):
and second of all, you have to be realistic with yourself, Like,
if you're not attracting the quality of a person that
you want, whether it's someone who's as successful as you
want them to be or as physically attractive as you
want them to be. It's probably because you haven't attained
that yet in your life or you just don't believe
that you're worth it. So you have already that success
(33:05):
and you do have the whole package. You are the
whole package, but you're just not believing that you are.
And if that's the case, then you have to check
out the stories that are going on in your head.
Because we have about sixty eight thousand thoughts today and yeah,
and our brains a machine. So you think a thought,
you think, why would he like me? He's like so
(33:30):
accomplished and gorgeous, and I'm sure you have like twenty
other women trying to get his attention, And then a
certain emotion pops up, shame, insecurity, doubt, and then more
thoughts are produced that are like the previous thought, because
that's how the brain works, like an algorithm, so it
(33:52):
shows you, it shows you more of what what you're thinking.
So I would say that I like to break it
down like this. You need to stay smart, but you
also need to surrender. Mm hmm. Stay smart, smart, stay smart,
but also surrender. And if you're not seeing what you
(34:14):
like in other people, if you're not attracting the quality
that you're looking for, do more work, become the person
that you're more And if at a certain point someone
decides more work includes dating, coaching, uh, and you come
into the picture. What is the next step If someone's like,
you know what I think I would, I would want to,
(34:35):
you know, sit down with Elsa, talk to her, Like
what would someone expect for the beginning of that process
with you just called email? The first step of the
process would be an application. It's very short, it's not
very long, but it does ask those probing questions that
really what I'm looking for is how committed are you
(34:59):
to this process? How committed are you going to be
to this process? Because I said no to people before
because I felt like from the first conversation that we had,
they were still blaming other people. They were blaming the
city that they lived in, they were blaming their jobs,
they were blaming COVID. And I get that it's a
hard time to be single, Like I totally get it.
(35:21):
I'm single, and I completely understand the challenges that single
people face. But if you are still on a state
of mind where you're gonna blame things on the outside,
we're not ready to work together. We're ready to work together.
I mean, that's just one big limiting belief, right, Like,
this is one big red flag that that is that's
(35:42):
not gonna work even if they wanted to. So anytime
I hear like all men, this are all women, that
I automatically turned down the application because I'm just like,
they're not ready and it's going to be a very
frustrating process for both of us. But there's an application,
and on the application, I basically just want to know
how committed are you to owning your ship? How committed
(36:03):
are you to looking at your patterns and saying like, Okay,
I've unconsciously done the same thing over and over and over.
Maybe I've done a little work, maybe I've read some books,
maybe I've worked with a therapist, maybe I've watched some
YouTube videos. But I have a pattern that's been consistent
and I haven't been successful at breaking it. So can
(36:26):
you help me? Can you reflect back to me what
are the things that I need to do differently so
that I can start changing the timeline that I'm on.
And that's the first conversation I have with people. So
we paint the vision that looks like the vision, and
I assume you also hold them accountable as obviously the
dating process starts and there's feedback. You mentioned you watch dates.
(36:50):
Do you ever match make tour? Is it more of
like I can guide you through the process. Up, I
met a guy or I I met a girl, and I
just need feedback as I go on this journey with him.
So there's different ways to work with me. If you're work,
if you're local to Austin and you want to work
with me privately, there actually is an element of matchmaking involved. So,
(37:14):
especially now with COVID, I recognize how challenging it's been
for people to meet each other. I actually see it
as an opportunity personally, because I don't think anyone was
that happy anyway beating at bars, oh god, every time
you exactly. And I like, right before COVID, I gave
(37:35):
a talk actually and I had a room of like
I don't know, maybe like forty five people that were single,
both men and women, and everyone in the room was
complaining about dating. And this was back when you could
go anywhere you wanted, any time you wanted with anyone,
So people were not having your back then. So I
actually think that covid is has been an opportunity. It's
(37:56):
definitely challenging, but I do think that it's been an
opportunity for people to slow down and minimize that illusion
of options that we were talking about in the beginning.
But anyway, if they're in Austin, it's really uh, it's
really fun to work with me because I actually wherever
they are, it's really fun to work with me. But
if they are in Austin, if they happen to be
in Austin, um I do host events that people can join,
(38:22):
and at the events, the guest list is usually very
curated and it just allows people to mingle with other
singles who are going to be in a very similar
place to life is them, and usually or they don't.
They always have to be in a similar place to
life is them, but there they would make a good
partner to where they are, got it. And if you're
(38:43):
not in Austin, they're also very fun ways to work
with me because I have I host group coaching programs
where men and women get to learn from each other.
So it's like, yeah, so even if you're not here,
like there is a whole bunch of things you can learn.
I combine men and women to practice dating I set
(39:05):
them up on practice dates. I also help them communicate
with each other on the calls so that they can
see what resonates and what doesn't. Because women have the
tendency to communicate with men as if they're women, as
if they're hairy women as doctors, and men have a
tendency to communicate with women as if they're hairless men
(39:29):
or less I I gotta a matter of fact, I
think it's time for me to get the raiser today.
But you're saying, so people can reach out to you,
you can work with them virtually. Obviously, so many of
us are doing that in this day and age now especially. Yes,
you can work with me virtually, and you will learn
(39:49):
a lot about how to consciously connect with the opposite sex.
As we wrap up, Elsa, if people want to keep
up with you, just follow along with the content you're
posting and or maybe you know book dating coaching. Where
can they find you dot com? So my last name,
my first name is E L s A M L
(40:09):
R e c K dot com on Instagram, I'm Elsa
more perfect, Elsa. This was so much fun. Thank you.
I can't wait to uh pick your brain at another
later time because This is so fascinating. I'm all about
limiting beliefs and manifestation and energy vibration, so it's nice
to hear it in the context of relationship. UM, and
(40:30):
you have a really great perspective something at your time.
Thanks so much for having me happy best, Thank you
again so much to Elsa. I hope you all enjoyed
that conversation. Are we ready to get out here? Are
we ready to get out here and start dating with intention? Y'all?
How you feeling? Tweet me, text me, slide in the
d M s and tell me what you loved about
this episode, what you've tried, what's working. By the way,
(40:53):
this week's party trick, because no, I did not forget,
is the one text you will ever need to get
a response from someone who is ghosting you. All you
have to do is go to Else's website Elsa mork
dot com slash one dash text that's E L s
A M O R e c k dot com forward
(41:16):
slash O N E dash t e x t okay.
So go there and you'll find out the one text
that you ever need to get a response from someone
who is ghosting you. And if you decide you want
to book a session with ELSA get your high end
dating on, get some coaching then just mentioned Hot Happy
Mess When you book and you'll get ten percent off.
(41:37):
You'll get a tempercent discount on our services. Okay, so
elsim work dot com, elsim work dot com, slash one
dash text for that text, Get out there, up your
dating game. Thank me later. If you enjoyed this episode,
do me a favor and text it, share it with
just one friend, just one bar or two if you're
in the mood. I hope you guys are loving it.
(41:59):
Keep up thus in the meantime, me on Instagram at
Zurie Hall's U R I h A L L and
follow Hot Happy Mess on instead of keep the good
vibes going. We will see you. I will see you.
We who is we? We as me and all the
clothes in my closet because yes, I'm back on the floor.
I just have really good sound absorption in here. Okay,
I will see you next Monday for another episode of
(42:22):
Hot Happy Mess. Bye.
Hot Happy Mess celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Happy. I'm Zeri Hall and this is Hot
Happy Made. Hello. Hello, Welcome to Hot Happy Mess, y'all.
(00:28):
I am your host, Zuri Hall, and we are back
at it for another week of making the most out
of the moments we're in and helping one another find
the magic in the middle of our messes. Today to day,
we are diving in to how to date with Intengit
so that you can manifest your dream partner. Okay, you're
(00:52):
ideal human and kick all of those other nonsense, nonsensical
nancies to the curb. But I don't know anyways. Uh,
stay tuned until the end for this week's party trick.
The one text you'll ever need to send to get
a response from someone who's ghosting you. That's big claim, y'all,
(01:16):
big claim, But I'm making it. Okay, our dating expert
is gonna hook you up with what you should send
if somebody tries to go crickets on that ad hear me? Okay,
how you feeling good? I hope so I'm feeling pretty
good for me. It's the weekend right now, I am
sipping a little coffee pro tip. Throw a little Frangelico
(01:38):
in that bad boy if you're feeling feisty, little Hazel
liqueur um. Only since it's the weekend, I make the
excuse for myself that it's brunch brunch vibes at the
very least, And speaking of weekend is um um. Today
I am chilling out. I made spaghetti, so I feel
like an adult with all of the things in my kitchen,
(01:59):
like actual ingredients. I have been so bad about just
delivering food nonstoff, and so I'm trying to slow it
down a little bit because it ain't cheap. And they
try to get you. They try to they try to
play you, They try to play us, like we're done.
You'll you know what I'm saying, Because here's the thing.
They're like, oh, no delivery fees. But have you noticed
or is it just me that even though those delivery
(02:22):
fees are technically free, these little service fees and secret
charges and whatever the heck else's have started to slowly
creep up. I'm like, okay, cool, my delivery fee was
zero dollars, but since when did the service fee become
like I will walk to the restaurant and get the
food myself, So sometimes on principal I do. I don't walk,
(02:43):
but I'll drive and go pick it up. Anyways, Mini
are an Sorry. Los Angeles is slowly creeping out of lockdown. Obviously,
we're all trying to stay safe and we had a
crazy spike recently and it's starting to level off. So
outdoor dining is starting to open up again, which is,
you know, kind of exciting. I'm cautiously optimistic for everyone.
(03:05):
But speaking of outdoor dining, that means dates, right, depending
on where you are in the country, and maybe you're
not even in this country. No matter where you are,
no matter what country you're in, the dating game is
ever elusive and it's only become more complicated in this
technological universe for in these days. But whatever you're doing,
I hope you're staying safe. Y'all better be masking up
(03:26):
on these dates. Okay, don't be spreading the VID trying
to get shows. Now. If you are dating, or if
you're thinking about it, then you are really gonna love
this week's episode because I'm going one on one with
an amazing dating coach. And I gotta say I wish,
I wish that I'd had a podcast like this that
I'd gone out of my way to learn stuff like
(03:47):
this because I wish I dated more intentionally in my
younger years. So I'm talking about like in college, immediately after,
like my early even into mid twenties, because I just
kind of whatever, Like, yes, I just made that a herb,
but I feel like you know exactly what it is
I'm talking about, Like I was a girl who I
(04:09):
didn't really grow up thinking about, you know, in any
concrete terms, like my wedding day or the exact guy
I would be with, Like yeah, I have my crushes
and whatever, like me and J Bug what I was
Mrs Bug for a good three years of my high
school experience. He didn't know it, but I did. That's
all that mattered. I would literally write like Jarrell Houston.
(04:31):
I'm pretty sure that's his name, his full name, his
government um over rinch over again. That's just how sprung
I was. For the Sprung was probably a good six months.
And then we went to a B two K concert
and my papa and my grandpa took me and my
friend and we were so hyped to be there. I
had my little side ponytail with the denim jump suit.
This was real. J lo Jenny from the block with
(04:54):
her denim jump suits and Aviator sunglasses. They probably had
Rhyan stones on it. Oh god, I hope there are
no photos of this. And I was just on cloud
nine that entire concert. And then at the end, me
and my friend we're trying to like hang around after
and see if we could see B two K coming
out the side, and he was like, if you're don't
get in this car, it's probably the moment he was like,
(05:16):
Oh my god, it's my granddaughter out here, and being
a fourteen year old groupie, I will be damned. So
we got in the car. We went home. But anyways,
that was a tangent. But it's when that made me
smile because I was saying I didn't really think super
hard about like who I would be with in the end,
because I was so career minded and focus kind of
(05:36):
on what I wanted to do professionally from a really
early age. I'm talking like seven, eight, nine, ten years old,
But I didn't put as much thought into what my
personal life would look like or my romantic relationships. But um,
what I will say is had I thought more about
what I wanted before I even started dating or started
(06:00):
talking to different guys. It would have been way easier
when a boy came around, to be quite frank, to
be like knitting in and we're not doing that because
I've already got my list, I've got my dues, I've
got my don't I've got my yeses in my nose,
and you ain't it. The red flags are waving. They
are on fire. That's just how brightly they are burning red.
(06:21):
I would have had that, but I didn't always. I
was a pretty good judge of character generally speaking. But
every now and then I might have dated just for
a little bit. I'm talking about like a few weeks
here or a few months um, someone that, in hindsight,
I wouldn't have wasted any time on had I been
more specific about who I wanted to be with before
(06:42):
I got involved. Because it's like as soon as you
meet somebody, y'all going a little dinner day, the vibes
are there. He's kind of cute. Have you ever had
it happened where you go out with someone and then
suddenly what you want just slowly starts to morph or
evolve into them, you know, or like I think I
could this could work. Oh she's nice. Or he's cool
(07:03):
or whatever it is. When you have that that list
already kind of set out, it makes it much easier
to just decipher and just cut through the bs and
be like, this is what I want or this isn't
what I want, And it will save you a lot
of time and sometimes a lot of heartache on the
back end too, because what we don't want is to
end up in a whole relationship and be like, how
(07:25):
the hell did I get here? Okay, energy flows where
the intention goes, So don't flow your way into home.
Me out the passenger side of his best friend's ride,
unless unless, unless, unless that's what you want. Just to
be sure it is no judgment. Girl. I love riding
in the passenger side of my best friend's ride. But
(07:45):
I also like that I can get in my car
and drive myself when I decide that's what I want
to do. Okay, It's kind of like there's this example
that I love, uh that says you know, It's kind
of like if you decide to look for the color
orange right no matter where you go, Um, you set
the intention I am going to see orange things, and
(08:08):
then you give yourself the day to look for them.
You will see more orange than you have ever seen
in your life, the orange of the street cone, the
orange of someone's jacket, an orange car. Because you're looking
for it, you see it. That That really is what
I believe to be true about setting intentions and then
watching those things start to come to you, because it
(08:31):
is so much easier when you know what you're looking
for to notice it immediately when you see it. And
that theory translates to relationships and to dating. So it
is time to get our intent on? Intent on? Is
that what you would is that? How you would say that?
Get our intention on? I don't know. It's time to
date with intention. Okay, so I've got an amazing dating coach.
(08:53):
Here we go. Elsa Moric as a high end dating
coach and author who helps high performers captivate the people
they want to date. We are about to captivate today, y'all.
She has been featured in Tender Bitches, Puff Post, and
a host of other places, dropping truth bombs about modern
dating and When she is not playing hitch, Elsa loves binge,
(09:14):
eating cookie dough, teaching herself foreign languages, and belly dancing.
My kind of girl. I love it so here we go.
This is Elsa. Alright, Elsa, thank you so much for
joining me today. I'm super excited. This is one of
my favorite topics. I just I love love. I love
the psychology of it, how to make it last. It's
fascinating and a little bit scary and sometimes very complicated.
(09:37):
But that's where you come in, right, Yeah, I would
say it's my favorite topic to talk about too. Why
I finally decided as an adult to monetize it. M H.
And as I mentioned in your bio, you are a
dating coach for so for people who may be new
to that concept or that I do, or maybe have
(09:58):
preconceived notions about it, means what do you do? I
would would describe what I do akin to what a
personal trainer does for people at the gym. I just
helped take the art and science of human connection and
I make it more digestible. So one of my areas
(10:19):
of expertise is essentially helping high performing men and women
learn how to unders understand each other better so they
can have more fulfilling relationships in a world where frankly,
dating has become extremely impersonal and as you were saying earlier,
(10:39):
even more complicated. So yeah, And it's so funny because
to your point about it becoming more and more impersonal,
it's like the same thing we we hear so often
these days, whether it's friendship, keeping up with your family relationship.
We on the surface seem more connected than ever because
everyone is at her fingertips. But I feel like for
that very reason, we take for granted the actual opportunity
(11:04):
to connect. Because if I don't talk to day, I'll
talk tomorrow. Oh I texted him, so that counts, Like
that is not the same as sitting with someone face
to face and really putting in the effort to engage
and be present. Well, and there's just this illusion of options.
So if you see the illusion illusion, because it's really
(11:26):
easy to have all these matches on a dating app
and to think to yourself that these are all potential
people that you could be romantically and inclined to be with,
which is only very partly true because if you were
actually to get down to it, you're probably not going
to have chemistry with a lot of people that you
(11:47):
match with. But what that does is when you are
on a date with someone, you're nitpicking because in your mind,
you're like, well, I have this long list of people
waiting twenty other people in the yeah, or you might
not even show up to a date. You might flake
all together. And it's not It doesn't just happen on
dating apps, like even when we meet you know, when
(12:08):
you meet people in person. What I see a lot
is just taking people for granted because there's this idea
that there's always going to be something better, which we
will probably get into this. I'm all for people holding
out for their fun yest match. I'm all for that,
And that's what I wanted to bring up next, because
(12:30):
you have is it a five step methodology, the fun
yes approach to your love life? Right? What is that? Well,
it's three steps when I first start working with people,
and then the last two steps is once they're actually
in a relationship. But okay, yeah, because I believe that
(12:50):
the skill set to maintain a relationship is very different
than the skill set needed to find a relationship, dating
and relating once you're actually in it with someone, they're different.
But for the purpose of someone single watching this, the
three steps that I walk my clients through our self
(13:11):
awareness strategy and selection. Well, self awareness, understanding yourself, knowing
your patterns, the type of people that you dated. Why
understanding how your childhood in your relationship with your parents
has an impact on the partners that you choose. Strategy
(13:33):
meaning like good old tactics. They're not the most important thing,
but they're definitely important. Okay, wait, give us some strategy
else that Seduction is a strategy when you are on
a date. Do you know how to really tap into
(13:54):
your feminine essence and make a guy find you intriguing?
Not making find you intriguing and show him that you're intriguing.
Do you know how to express your fullest feminine expression?
Do you do you understand how charisma works? And this
is all These are all things that can be taught.
(14:16):
Being a better listener, softening your voice, yeah, like laughing, smiling,
showing him that you're having a good time. Strategy is
also where to meet people right now, it's COVID. We
had an expert on recently who was like just sliding
(14:38):
the d m s. Take it to Twitter, Instagram. I
never never looked at the social media platforms as basically
a way to make a love connection. But now I'm like,
these relationships are popping up left and right, and they're
no more or less random than if you mass with
someone on an app or met someone at a bar.
I love that you said that, because I've always said
(14:58):
that about dating apps. I have a lot of clients
I work with, like one of the first things they
tell me is I want to get off apps, Like
I want to work with you and get off apps,
And I always honor if that's if that's really what
they want, I will always honor it. But I always
like to remind people that the app is just a tool.
There's very little difference between us being at a party
(15:19):
and me introducing you to someone that I think would
be a good fit. And I mean there is definitely
a difference, but like if your friend introduced you to someone,
then the app matching you with someone who is in
close proximity to you has similar interests. Like the app
is just doing what your friends practically the same thing. Yeah,
like I think feel like this person. Okay, so that's strategy.
(15:42):
Selection can be a part of the strategy. Okay, what
else do we have in the steps? Selection? So selection
is very, very, very very important, And selection is often
where most of the people that I work with struggle
because I do work with a lot of high performers,
meaning people who are contrary to popular belief, because you
(16:03):
were saying, like, some people might have a stigma around
dating coaching, but I actually work with people who are attractive, successful,
and socially intelligence. So it's not that they don't know
how to carry themselves or have a good conversation with someone,
but a lot of times they don't know how to
choose people. So what ends up happening is they drained
(16:26):
their energy by hanging out with the wrong people and
then kind of just assuming that everyone's like that, so
I even try. So selection is about how do you
start knowing from the very early conversations with someone whether
they are what you're looking for or not? Okay? And
(16:46):
when it comes to selection, what sort of questions do
you recommend people asking straight out of the gate, Like
what is a okay, let's save that for maybe day
four or five. I don't want to freak them out.
And then what is perfectly fine to kind of get
to the heart of quickly so that you know whether
or not you need to move on? What are you
looking for out of dating? Pretty basic, but a lot
(17:10):
of people don't need to ask it. Oh right, that's
just fun. Long term relationship, marriage, like get that up
front exactly. Yeah, And some people get kind of freaked
out because like, is that too much? Like I have
a lot of my female clients tell me I don't
want to seem like too much, and I'm like, girl,
if he things are too much, then he's not the
(17:32):
right person. And you want to know about the front,
like it's that's your filter, that's your way of filtering people.
So what do you want out of dating? I love
to ask what was your past relationship? Like, there's so
much that you can tell from someone's answer about that.
Do they blame their acts, they take ownership for their part?
(17:54):
All that good stuff? Oh yeah. I love to ask,
if your life is a book, what are the next
three chapters? Oh? Forward thinking that was a little plat twist.
I thought we were going to the past chapters. Okay,
So basically, what story are you trying to write? So
I can decide if I want to be a character exactly.
(18:18):
And because you don't want it to feel like an interview,
if you start like what are you looking for out
a dating? Telling me about your last relation, chip, what's
your goals for the next five years, the person can
be like whoa like. I wasn't expecting to show up
to an interview, but when you sandwich and these like
questions that are a little bit more abstract, but that's
still get you your answers, Like that question will tell
(18:40):
you so much. Another question I love is what's an
ideal Sunday for you? If you won the lottery tomorrow,
how would you spend your money? That's really fun for
knowing how someone manages their finances right, right, if they
spend dollars y'all in the next forty eight hours, you
(19:02):
might want to run because y'all are going to be
broke together. And love. I've had clients come back and
tell me like, oh, he said he would travel all
over the world and take all his friends with him
and that that was all community here. And she was like, Wow,
we're definitely not a fit. This is not gonna work,
but thanks for dinner. Have a nice life. I just
(19:28):
love icebergers like that, conversation starters, thoughts starters. I was
joking with one of my colleagues. We're both like the
annoying girlfriend who's like, so, I have a question for you.
It's like two o'clock in the morning and you just
want to pick someone's brain. But I feel like when
dumb playfully, even on those first, second, third dates, it
can be charming and they're they're more um to open
(19:49):
up because it's like, Okay, she's just you know, maybe
she's a little quirky or whatever. He's a little quirky.
But like, I like that their head is in creative places.
Who wants to go sit down at dinner and get
asked this saying thing a thousand times by a thousand
different people, or like you said, make it feel like
a job interview. Nobody wants that. But I think it's
all about presentation and personality. Yes, exactly, So get this, Like,
(20:14):
I actually have a service where I watched my clients
on dates. Do you Yes, it's a virtual service, And
I basically, because I work with both men and women,
I'll pair them off, and I usually pair them up
with someone that I know they'll find attractive, even if
the personality is in all the way there, I'm more
concerned with them just being attracted to them. Attracted to
(20:34):
them that way, it feels like a real date. And
then I just sit and watch and I give them feedback.
So I've seen conversations where the entire time, they never
get beyond small talk. It's just like where do you live,
what made what? Like, what inspired you to move there?
(20:56):
Tell me about your job? And they go on these
like twenty five minute tangents. And I asked him after,
I'm like, was that an exciting story for you to tell?
Because you look like you're on autopilot the entire time,
And usually they're like, yeah, I wasn't really fun. And
then the person listening to it, I'm like, was that
a fun story for you to listen to? And they're
usually like, absolutely not, I learned nothing about that person story.
(21:19):
And it's just how how many times I've seen that happen,
where people just show up to these dates and they
just get lost and nothingness, And so like when you're
saying like presentation and personality, yeah, if you bring questions
that are very important to you, Like if you're a
woman who wants to date with intentionality and you're tired
(21:42):
of Peter Pans, you're tired of like men who are noncommittal,
and you're tired of wasting your builders that's what I
call them. You just have to to build a boyfriends
where you're just like I'll take anything. At this point,
I'm gonna commit to his potential instead of what I
actually see in the flesh. I love that. Yeah, it's
(22:04):
a project, not a partner, right, So you want to
end up in that situation like you have to ask
these questions. And I love that you mentioned personality and
presentation because that's all it is. Like you could ask
that question while smiling and cocking your and getting that
you need. You guys can't see you right now, but
(22:28):
just for the record, she's so beautiful and stunning. And
she just did a little a little finesse, a little
shoulder thing, y'all. I'm telling you, I'm already sold. I'm like,
if I if I was ready to hit the market,
if I needed dating advice, this is your this is
your woman. She is a coach for sure, because she
just turned it on and I was like, okay, tank two,
let's go go. So always got that questions when I do,
(22:52):
that is so cute. And I look in your eyes
and I asked you my question and I listened attentively.
You're gonna give me everything I need to know right right?
Oh my god. I love that. Okay, so we've got selection.
What was the next one? Did I miss one? Was next?
So self awareness, strategy, strategy, collection in selection. Okay, got it.
(23:14):
So those are the three that happened before someone's inner relationship,
and you can help them with that as a dating coach.
What are the next two steps that happened after they've
sealed the deal? After they seal the deal, it is
solidification and sustainability. So what I mean by that is,
(23:36):
we've been seeing each other for a while. Now I
really like you. I met your friends, you've met mine,
We've passed all the tests. How are we going to
solidify this relationship? Mm hmm making sure that What does
that look like? What does that mean? Yeah? It looks
like different things for different people first and and it
also looks like different things at different stages. So what
(23:58):
I like to say about the five steps is that
you're actually always kind of cycling through them. Even once
you've sealed the deal. You still have to be self aware.
Even when you're in the relationship, there's still strategy to
communicating with your partner, there's still selection. You have to
keep choosing your partner over and over and over and
over again, and you're still solidifying your connection years later
(24:21):
and you still have to do the work to sustain it.
So this is not like a one and done um
but first little vacation. It might mean the exclusive talk
to define the relationship conversation. It might mean like, okay, well,
now that we have to find the relationship, I would
like to hear from you every day, and I would
like it like I what I would really what I
(24:43):
need from you is to hear a good morning and
a good night like that makes me feel seen by you. Yeah,
I that's That's another example of solidifying your commitment to someone.
It also might look like, you know, once you feel
ready having the are we fit to move in together?
A conversation? And if we do move in together, what
(25:06):
does that look like? Do we get our own place?
Move into his place as we move into mine? So
all those like nitty grady logistical details. If we're a
long distance is one of us going to move closer
to the other, Like now that you have that phase
where you're like I've selected this person, there's actually a
lot of logistics involved in how to make it work
(25:27):
day today. So that's what that flification. So we're talking
like the road map of the relationship now, like what's
our north star, what is guiding us? Kind of building
up those pillars to figure out what type of foundation
you guys are are building a relationship. I love that
you bring that up, because a lot of people don't
think about that, myself included, I've gone through that. You're
just you're in the honeymoon phase and it's fun and
(25:47):
it's great and it's whatever, and so that sustains you,
and then you kind of turned a blind eye to
like the everyday stuff. You're like, oh, we'll figure it out,
level conquer or whatever. Inevitably, like the good vibes kind
of like maybe simmer a little bit and they can
still be something good, but you're not as love, you know, drunk,
and then you're like, wait, we never figured out who
(26:09):
the hell we actually are as a couple, so we're
just free falling right now and technically in love. I
have a friend who's fiance told me she's the starter
and I'm the finisher. And what he meant by that
she comes up with ideas for us, like big life ideas.
(26:30):
She's she's a visionary I actually execute like she's a closing.
He's the closer. Like, so she chose the house that
they were going to move into. She was like, I
feel it. This is our home and it had just
gone on the market. And I don't know if you
need anything about Austin's real estate market, but like it's
very hard, it's crazy. Yeah, this is like well because
(26:55):
also a lot of my l A friends are heading
that way. Everyone's piecing out for Texas exactly for good reason,
at least in love Austin. And yeah, Austin's often my
home now for sure. But yeah, he was like, she's
the starter and I'm a finisher. So that's something that
you solidify as a couple. Like in my last relationship,
he cooked, I cleaned. That was our setup. We got
(27:16):
very good at it, developed a system, like he got
the groceries, I organized them all onto the cabinet. So
like there's small things that you you negotiate as a
couple or that you it's your ability to make deals
with each other, like let's deal make. I don't like
the word compromise, but let's deal make and negotiate as
(27:37):
a couple getting what we need. I love that actually
because I have certainly felt sometimes when it is you know,
quote unquote compromising or whatever it is You're like, it
shouldn't feel like a battle though, right, Like, it shouldn't
like I what I hope for, you know, everyone listening
for my relationship is that meeting in the middle does
(28:00):
feel like a deal where both sides are winning because
we're on the same team and not like, Okay, he
won that one, I won this one. So we're just
conceding to one another back and forth, because that's not fun. No,
in every other contact contact, you wouldn't be happy with
a confrom Like the energy of the word compromise just
makes it feel like someone had to lose, right, So
(28:23):
deal making and interesting ability is how do you keep
it going? How do you keep it going, How do
you keep evolving as a couple, How do you keep
your intimate life passionate? How do you keep seeing each
other even when things get hard, even when things get mundane?
(28:45):
And that's how do we do that? Also help help
I was gonna say, like, that's probably one of the
most challenging things, but if I had to sum it up,
I would say two things. Never stop getting curious about
your partner. In other words, never assume that the person
(29:05):
who left that day is coming back as the same person.
Always be curious to their growth, how they're changing, how
they're because they're always evolving to write. And then the
second thing would be never stop being curious about yourself
and the life that you're building. Because what happens a
(29:27):
lot of times is when we're in partnership for a
long time and I know I can relate to this
on a personal level. Um, we start assuming that the
other person is just who we know them. Ask so
we talked to them the way we talked to him yesterday,
and we we project onto them who they've been without
(29:47):
seeing that they're growing and they're changing and maybe what
they needed last week is not what they need this week.
And we stopped doing it for ourselves too, because we
get so wrapped up in this identity a of like
I am a partner to this person, that we forget
like who were being individually and we Because not everyone
(30:12):
experiences this, but I know that when I say we,
I at least see me and I've seen that in
past partnerships, Like the other person and I just stop
getting curious about each other and about yourselves. Well, you
can say we and mean me too, so it can
be the two of us and anyone else who decides
they relate, which I'm sure as many people. I think
(30:32):
we've all most of us at least have experienced that.
So I love that you bring it up. Um, what
do you think when when we talk about limiting beliefs right?
Dating with intention a big It's one thing to say,
I'm going to manifest the man or the woman of
my dreams. I'm gonna manifest, manifest, manifest, but manifestation is
is a concept that can only work if truly, deep
(30:54):
down into your gut, you believe you're worthy of and
capable of getting those things. So how do you coach
folks out of their limiting beliefs so that if they
are dating with intention, they're vibrating out of frequency that
even allows them to keep or sustain what might come
their way because of what they're trying to attract. You're
(31:14):
speaking my language now, Yeah, manifesting love and letting go
of limiting beliefs. I would say that before for anyone
listening to this, before you go on your next date,
really assess how you feel about you because one of
the most common things that I see happen after dates,
(31:34):
and I see this happen with my friends too, is
they walk away asking themselves did that person like me?
And I don't hear often enough people asking themselves that
I really like that person? Are they a vibrational And
the only way to know whether you're manifesting with precision
(31:56):
is to observe the people that you attract, because I
believe that your lovers are your marriage. Everyone that you
attract is a mayor of you. So if you're if
you're not liking the quality of people that you're seeing,
then do more work on yourself, do more and and
work can mean meditate, work can mean spend time saying
(32:23):
affirmations in the mirror. And work can also mean hitting
the gym like it can mean oh no, that's the
last one I would here. That's the first one I
need to listen to always like please God no. But
then I always feel good after You're so right about that, yeah,
because it's first of all, you're going to be more confident,
(32:43):
and second of all, you have to be realistic with yourself, Like,
if you're not attracting the quality of a person that
you want, whether it's someone who's as successful as you
want them to be or as physically attractive as you
want them to be. It's probably because you haven't attained
that yet in your life or you just don't believe
that you're worth it. So you have already that success
(33:05):
and you do have the whole package. You are the
whole package, but you're just not believing that you are.
And if that's the case, then you have to check
out the stories that are going on in your head.
Because we have about sixty eight thousand thoughts today and yeah,
and our brains a machine. So you think a thought,
you think, why would he like me? He's like so
(33:30):
accomplished and gorgeous, and I'm sure you have like twenty
other women trying to get his attention, And then a
certain emotion pops up, shame, insecurity, doubt, and then more
thoughts are produced that are like the previous thought, because
that's how the brain works, like an algorithm, so it
(33:52):
shows you, it shows you more of what what you're thinking.
So I would say that I like to break it
down like this. You need to stay smart, but you
also need to surrender. Mm hmm. Stay smart, smart, stay smart,
but also surrender. And if you're not seeing what you
(34:14):
like in other people, if you're not attracting the quality
that you're looking for, do more work, become the person
that you're more And if at a certain point someone
decides more work includes dating, coaching, uh, and you come
into the picture. What is the next step If someone's like,
you know what I think I would, I would want to,
(34:35):
you know, sit down with Elsa, talk to her, Like
what would someone expect for the beginning of that process
with you just called email? The first step of the
process would be an application. It's very short, it's not
very long, but it does ask those probing questions that
really what I'm looking for is how committed are you
(34:59):
to this process? How committed are you going to be
to this process? Because I said no to people before
because I felt like from the first conversation that we had,
they were still blaming other people. They were blaming the
city that they lived in, they were blaming their jobs,
they were blaming COVID. And I get that it's a
hard time to be single, Like I totally get it.
(35:21):
I'm single, and I completely understand the challenges that single
people face. But if you are still on a state
of mind where you're gonna blame things on the outside,
we're not ready to work together. We're ready to work together.
I mean, that's just one big limiting belief, right, Like,
this is one big red flag that that is that's
(35:42):
not gonna work even if they wanted to. So anytime
I hear like all men, this are all women, that
I automatically turned down the application because I'm just like,
they're not ready and it's going to be a very
frustrating process for both of us. But there's an application,
and on the application, I basically just want to know
how committed are you to owning your ship? How committed
(36:03):
are you to looking at your patterns and saying like, Okay,
I've unconsciously done the same thing over and over and over.
Maybe I've done a little work, maybe I've read some books,
maybe I've worked with a therapist, maybe I've watched some
YouTube videos. But I have a pattern that's been consistent
and I haven't been successful at breaking it. So can
(36:26):
you help me? Can you reflect back to me what
are the things that I need to do differently so
that I can start changing the timeline that I'm on.
And that's the first conversation I have with people. So
we paint the vision that looks like the vision, and
I assume you also hold them accountable as obviously the
dating process starts and there's feedback. You mentioned you watch dates.
(36:50):
Do you ever match make tour? Is it more of
like I can guide you through the process. Up, I
met a guy or I I met a girl, and I
just need feedback as I go on this journey with him.
So there's different ways to work with me. If you're work,
if you're local to Austin and you want to work
with me privately, there actually is an element of matchmaking involved. So,
(37:14):
especially now with COVID, I recognize how challenging it's been
for people to meet each other. I actually see it
as an opportunity personally, because I don't think anyone was
that happy anyway beating at bars, oh god, every time
you exactly. And I like, right before COVID, I gave
(37:35):
a talk actually and I had a room of like
I don't know, maybe like forty five people that were single,
both men and women, and everyone in the room was
complaining about dating. And this was back when you could
go anywhere you wanted, any time you wanted with anyone,
So people were not having your back then. So I
actually think that covid is has been an opportunity. It's
(37:56):
definitely challenging, but I do think that it's been an
opportunity for people to slow down and minimize that illusion
of options that we were talking about in the beginning.
But anyway, if they're in Austin, it's really uh, it's
really fun to work with me because I actually wherever
they are, it's really fun to work with me. But
if they are in Austin, if they happen to be
in Austin, um I do host events that people can join,
(38:22):
and at the events, the guest list is usually very
curated and it just allows people to mingle with other
singles who are going to be in a very similar
place to life is them, and usually or they don't.
They always have to be in a similar place to
life is them, but there they would make a good
partner to where they are, got it. And if you're
(38:43):
not in Austin, they're also very fun ways to work
with me because I have I host group coaching programs
where men and women get to learn from each other.
So it's like, yeah, so even if you're not here,
like there is a whole bunch of things you can learn.
I combine men and women to practice dating I set
(39:05):
them up on practice dates. I also help them communicate
with each other on the calls so that they can
see what resonates and what doesn't. Because women have the
tendency to communicate with men as if they're women, as
if they're hairy women as doctors, and men have a
tendency to communicate with women as if they're hairless men
(39:29):
or less I I gotta a matter of fact, I
think it's time for me to get the raiser today.
But you're saying, so people can reach out to you,
you can work with them virtually. Obviously, so many of
us are doing that in this day and age now especially. Yes,
you can work with me virtually, and you will learn
(39:49):
a lot about how to consciously connect with the opposite sex.
As we wrap up, Elsa, if people want to keep
up with you, just follow along with the content you're
posting and or maybe you know book dating coaching. Where
can they find you dot com? So my last name,
my first name is E L s A M L
(40:09):
R e c K dot com on Instagram, I'm Elsa
more perfect, Elsa. This was so much fun. Thank you.
I can't wait to uh pick your brain at another
later time because This is so fascinating. I'm all about
limiting beliefs and manifestation and energy vibration, so it's nice
to hear it in the context of relationship. UM, and
(40:30):
you have a really great perspective something at your time.
Thanks so much for having me happy best, Thank you
again so much to Elsa. I hope you all enjoyed
that conversation. Are we ready to get out here? Are
we ready to get out here and start dating with intention? Y'all?
How you feeling? Tweet me, text me, slide in the
d M s and tell me what you loved about
this episode, what you've tried, what's working. By the way,
(40:53):
this week's party trick, because no, I did not forget,
is the one text you will ever need to get
a response from someone who is ghosting you. All you
have to do is go to Else's website Elsa mork
dot com slash one dash text that's E L s
A M O R e c k dot com forward
(41:16):
slash O N E dash t e x t okay.
So go there and you'll find out the one text
that you ever need to get a response from someone
who is ghosting you. And if you decide you want
to book a session with ELSA get your high end
dating on, get some coaching then just mentioned Hot Happy
Mess When you book and you'll get ten percent off.
(41:37):
You'll get a tempercent discount on our services. Okay, so
elsim work dot com, elsim work dot com, slash one
dash text for that text, Get out there, up your
dating game. Thank me later. If you enjoyed this episode,
do me a favor and text it, share it with
just one friend, just one bar or two if you're
in the mood. I hope you guys are loving it.
(41:59):
Keep up thus in the meantime, me on Instagram at
Zurie Hall's U R I h A L L and
follow Hot Happy Mess on instead of keep the good
vibes going. We will see you. I will see you.
We who is we? We as me and all the
clothes in my closet because yes, I'm back on the floor.
I just have really good sound absorption in here. Okay,
I will see you next Monday for another episode of
(42:22):
Hot Happy Mess. Bye.
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