February 22, 2021 • 39 mins
Raise your hand, if you're ready to manifest love and the partner of your dreams. In today's episode, Zuri is chatting with conscious breakup coach Nancy Ruth Deen, who shares the ultimate guide, on how we can use the law of attraction to manifest our soulmate(s), how to use affirmations to get the life that we want, how provides us with the tools to overcome our limiting beliefs. It's time to visualize and get really intentional about the type of life that we want to have about the love that we desire AND deserve. Let us know your favorite part of the convo: @ZuriHall + @HotHappyMess.
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Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hot Happy That. I'm Zurie Hall and this
is hot Happy May Shoot. What is up? Welcome back
to another episode of Hot Happy Mess. I am your host,
(00:28):
Zuri Hall, and you guys are loving the series. I'm
so happy about it because love and relationships, as you
know by now hopefully maybe, um, it's like one of
my favorite things to talk about, the good, the bad, happy,
ugly of it. So I'm so glad that you guys
are enjoying it so far. Today we are diving into
(00:50):
a topic that I am all about. I want to
do like a multi episode series on just the art
of manifestation and um, the power of attraction, the law
of attraction and the power of just kind of your
thoughts and how they shape and create our realities because
I am living proof of speaking things into existence and
(01:14):
living intentionally and being like, holy crap, I thought this
into existence. And I'll go into that more in future episodes,
but I want to just dive right into today's expert
because she's so awesome, so smart, and she is all
about how to craft your ideal relationship. Okay, it is
time to load the Power Couple. Are you ready? We
(01:38):
are about to manifest a whole partner. Whoever you're into,
whatever you're into, She's got the keys to make it happen.
So I'm going to dive right in Nancy Ruth Dean.
She is a conscious breakup coach who not only helps
people hill through their breakups, but teaches them what it
takes to manifest a relationship that last. She applies a
(02:01):
combination of mindfulness, spirituality, and practical lessons she's learned over
the last six years as a former matchmaker and a
woman who went from another bad breakup to meeting her fiancee.
She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Bustle, Swipe, Life, Well
and Good, and much much more. So let's dive right in.
(02:23):
Nancy is gonna take us through how to craft our
ideal relationship, how to use affirmations to get the life
that we want and the partner that we want. Here's Nancy, alright,
so let's just go ahead and dive right in Nancy.
I am fascinated with the art of manifestation. Uh, for
(02:46):
those who might be new to the concept of visualization
and manifestation, what is it? What does it mean? So
manifesting is just honestly, it can sound a little bit
out there, but it's co creating with the universe. But
if you're not super into the universe, then you might
just think it's consciously thinking about your thoughts and putting
(03:09):
them into action, but doing it from a conscious level,
as opposed to m M. I guess I'll just see
how things go. It's actually being conscious about it. And
you do conscious breakup coaching, amongst other things. And that's
a term like we obviously came to know Gwyneth Paltrow
(03:30):
kind of made famous, right. I've reported on that a
lot in my entertainment news career, the conscious uncoupling. So
what is your your specialty, particularly when it comes to
conscious relationship work. Yeah, so, um, basically what I do.
And I always kind of have to preface with, like
why I even became a conscious breakup coach, just to
(03:52):
give people a good idea. They're like, yeah, you deal
with breakups. But when I was a former matchmaker, that's
when I learned just how often we try to date,
but we actually aren't really over our ex so we
just like and like, I wasn't even expecting to learn
this when I was a matchmaker for for a few years,
(04:14):
but after like sitting down with people and asking them
what are you looking for in a partner, they would
just either repeat what they experienced with their last relationship,
or they would like, I want to date somebody new
in spite of their last relationship. But there wasn't that
actual inner work and like dealing with it. So I
(04:36):
became a conscious breakup coach for that reason, to actually
help people tie up the last chapter of their life,
but also invite them into a new way of thinking
for their next relationship. And that's where manifesting comes into
the conscious process of getting yourself into a relationship. I
(04:57):
love that, and it's a fascinating thing to think about.
When we break up or end things. A lot of
times it's easy to just fall into the next relationship
in reaction to the last one. So what I'm looking
for now is just the opposite of the guy that
just did whatever and anything that's not like him. And
then you look up in this new relationship and you're like, wait,
I don't actually want this either, I just really didn't
(05:18):
want the last thing. So setting that intention it's so important,
it's so important, Like I was actually just on a
podcast the other day and they were talking to me
like what are the rules, Like what should you do?
Like should you just not date somebody after? And honestly,
it's like everybody has their own path, but you also
(05:39):
you need to have the balance between doing the inner work,
like what there's obviously grieving, but there's also doing the
inner work like what actually happened here? And what do
I actually want to do going forward? Instead of a
breakup being this period where you're like you're just trying
(06:00):
to distract yourself until your next relationship, it's like, no,
use your breakup. Use your breakup to grieve, okay, and
create a space to do the inner work so that
you can actually find a relationship that lasts well. Thankfully,
today we won't be talking too much about the breaking
(06:22):
up part because we're out here trying to manifest these
relationships for the listeners. We might have to convince you
to come back for the for the episode about ending things,
but hopefully with the right type of intention setting and visualization,
will be out here making forever matches for our hot,
happy mess listeners. To start things off, first of all,
what is your relationship status If you don't mind me
(06:43):
asking sometimes that the ladies like to know I'm engaged, okay,
all right, and was you know the experience that led
up to your engagement one where you went through this
sort of visualization and manifesting. Yes, for those of you
who are listening and or like, honestly, I just look
around and it's like, I know what can happen for you,
(07:04):
but it can't happen for me. I did the conscious
process of manifesting my dream partner. I wrote an article
about it, outlining what what it meant for me to
actually do that. And it's crazy to think that I
actually went from being that person that that had multiple
(07:24):
breakups and just reading other articles like oh my gosh,
like I know you can manifest and like I'm trying
to do that, but maybe it's not working. I always say, like,
if you're guided to manifesting your dream partner, and like
that's what's up for you right now, Like there's no
reason for that. And I was the kind of person
where I was like, you know what, this has to
(07:46):
be a sign that I can do it too. So
I always like turned to my fiance and I'm like
I manifested you, and in his own way, He's like,
I manifested you too, but he wasn't doing the let's
say tactics and the exercises I was doing, but he
was doing his own form of it for sure, his version. Okay,
(08:07):
I got it. Well, all that matters is you found
each other. Maybe you were doing the heavy lifting in
the manifestation department, but all's well, that ends well you
you're together any games, So congratulations. What are the first steps?
So we're ready, hypothetically to date to find the one?
Where do we begin? Okay? So this is really important.
(08:33):
And again I'm going to kind of loop in my
professional matchmaking into this. And I know you were match
made on TV, so I yes, I And he's in
the living room right now. So is it still working y'all? Perfect?
I remember I looked at your story and I I
laughed because I think our friends and the people we
(08:55):
know like they're excellent matchmakers for the record, But um,
when it comes to consciously manifesting your dream partner, you actually,
instead of I almost want to phrase this like really
properly here, you want to actually uncover your limiting beliefs,
(09:16):
like this stuff that's holding you back. You want to
do a deep dive and the biggest thing that I
noticed in society. For for whatever reason, we've gotten kind
of beat down, and we have this idea that you
have to be very realistic about who you're looking for. Right.
We hear that all the time, and we've probably thrown
it out a couple of times. You've got to be realistic,
(09:39):
and everybody's absorbed that, and it's actually a limiting belief
that we have. So where do we start when it
comes to manifesting? It's understanding where have we been unconsciously
programmed to settle for less, to settle for things that
we don't want. But someone else in our life has
told us that we should just to be handed that
(10:00):
and we just have to deal with it. And no
relationships the way it is like like, if it's not him,
who will it be? If not her, you might be
waiting for a while. Yeah, literally, I will have And
I'm I'm deviating a little bit, but I'm really passionate
where I have conversations with people all the time about
(10:21):
how they're there. Let's say they go on a date
and they just know by date two that they're not
feeling it. Their soul is saying something and they turned
to their friend and they say, what do you think
I should do? Like, I don't know if I'm feeling it.
Their friend will just be like, you have to give
them a second chance. And in some cases you're like,
I don't know if I want to give them a
(10:42):
second chance. Like they told me they're dating multiple people.
I don't know if that's what I want. Um. But
it really does start from seeing where where you have
these limiting beliefs, Like at the end of the day,
you have to understand that the person you intuitively feel
you will be with from a feeling intuitive perspective, not
(11:04):
from I'm looking for a Ryan Reynolds clone with two
degrees and a great house. You might end up with.
You might end up with that, but you gotta look
at it from a value standpoint and not from the
the the rating scale that society gives us. Right, So
really start off by understanding you do deserve the great
(11:27):
love that you have in mind. And if if you
are dating and you meet somebody and they might be good,
they might be cool, but they're not that like they're
not great for you, like trust that part of you
and if society is like, no, give them another chance.
Or um, you're too picky like that might just be
(11:52):
societal programming. So know that you do deserve that great love.
That is like step number one. Okay, got it. What
are a couple of examples of limiting beliefs, things that
we might have been told, whether subconsciously or through our upbringing.
You're not pretty enough, you're not smart enough. This type
of person will never date you because this What are
(12:13):
some examples that you could give us that might be
limiting us. The first one that actually comes to mind,
for whatever reason, is actually the biggest limiting belief that
keeps us in the wrong relationship UM, or in a
relationship that is way past its expiry date um. And
now we've all been there, which is um. Like I said,
(12:34):
no relationship is perfect, and you many of us listening
will be like, no, that's true, though, no relationship is perfect.
But what we do is when we're in a moment
where we know we probably have to leave, and then
that sentence comes through from like maybe are like grandma
or grandpa or somebody we admired. But in this case
(12:54):
that's what's keeping me stuck. No relationship is perfect. The
moment you notice something intuitively feels wrong about this person,
whether you're staying in the relationship or you're dating and
you feel that coming up and you think, no relationship
is perfect. That's how you can tell it sounds good
when the right person is saying it, but in your case,
(13:17):
it's holding you back. So that's one of them. The
other one. Um, they're so so many. UM I had,
you know, I had several growing up. I was like,
um I was. I always thought to myself like, oh,
I'm exotic, but you know, guys just want to settle
down with like the white girl, so it would be
(13:39):
like fun for a few days. What's your background? Like
where are you? Because everyone's listening, so they don't. My
dad is Indo Trinidadian and my mom is white. Okay,
got it, got it. And you're like, everyone's just out
here looking for the blonde, blue eyed quote unquote American prototype. Yeah,
(14:00):
uh so, and this and these limiting beliefs they come
from childhood. Like I grew up in a town that
was fully white, small town, and that's what I saw
that guys liked. But when when I got old enough
to date, I didn't realize that that was a limiting
belief I thought it was a truth. So we all
(14:24):
have truths. We all, um, we think. And you know,
for the girls listening who who like guys, they they
might think, you know, guys don't only want to date
girls who are like nines and above, or they have
this size waste and and they have this idea that
like guys only care about looks. That was a really
big one. Um. That might be true in many cases.
(14:47):
But if you're on this planet and you believe in
soulmates and you believe that person is out there for you,
you you have to work on that because it's true
in some cases. But there's somebody out there manifesting you too.
And if you keep thinking that guy's only like women
(15:07):
to look a certain way, then you might walk right
past your soul mate possibly, or when you find him,
you might find a reason to kick him out of
your life because you might feel unworthy in some way. Right. Yeah,
And it's like subconsciously we're trying to validate the things
that we have decided are true. So even if I'm
not actively trying to sabotage, deep down, my sense of
(15:30):
self is so derived and who I am, who I've been,
how people have treated me, my my school experience, that
I have to keep reaffirming all that stuff. Otherwise who
am I if not the stories I tell myself about
who I am. And it takes a lot of efforts
sometimes to shake yourself free of of those shackles that
(15:50):
are completely of our own. I won't say making, because
our experiences make them, but deciding not to turn the
knob and sort of walk out of the cage, that's
a choice that we're making, even if it's subconscious at
a certain point. Yeah, you're speaking my language so hard
because we often and I was definitely like this to
(16:11):
where you just really believe that you're handed something and
you're handed it for life, like it's just always going
to be the case. And it was hard when I
started doing the inner work several years ago because to
some extent, I found it really unnatural to want more
for myself in love and in life period. Because you know,
(16:35):
not not to break any um dreams here, but you know,
if you're if you're trying to manifest one thing, you're
going to notice a limiting belief that shows up in
the in your entire life everywhere. And so that's the
power of doing inner work. But in the beginning, You're like,
I don't want to believe that I can free myself
from a cage, or to some extent, I put myself
(16:55):
in the cage for this. Like you, you you almost
don't want to believe that, and you want to You
almost want to keep that story that's been playing since
you were like five or six years old. Yeah, so
if we realize what our limiting beliefs are, maybe done
the work or self exploration to be like, oh, I've
been telling myself this, but I want to change it
before we get to you know, the big finale that
(17:18):
the manifesting of the the ideal partner. How do we
shake the limiting beliefs that would keep us from that person?
Is it therapy that you recommend? Are there any platforms
or practices that you encourage people to try. Yeah, that's
such a good question. It depends on everybody, will be
So what what I normally do? There are so many
(17:39):
incredible resources. I recommend everybody who's doing this process to
hopefully have spiritual you know, it's you know, a therapist
or a great coach or a spiritual teacher. I personally
started getting involved in this work because I just thought,
you know, little Nancy just going on like a boat
(18:00):
a voting day, and low and behold this woman who
was ten years my senior. She she decided to take
me on as a spiritual student. And in the beginning
I was like, I don't know, like if this is okay,
Like I'll go what am I doing? But okay, sure,
let's see. It was very informal, right, So I always think,
(18:23):
you know, everybody can benefit from that one person who's
going to be your guy, because I do believe, you know,
we're on this planet and we always alternate. We're either
finding a teacher and we're the student, or we are
the teacher and somebody else is a student. But getting
on this path, there's so many amazing Instagram accounts like
I love the Holistic Psychologist personally. She's really good at
(18:49):
for you to recognize that, yes, it's your life experience
you're sharing. You know, when people talk about like this
is why I am the way that i'm this is
my life experience. When you get conscious, you can finally
see the story that's playing, and it's such a powerful
place to be. So set the intention. If you don't
(19:12):
have anyone right now, or you don't even know where
to start or it's overwhelming. Set the intention to be
guided to a resource, you know, in the next twenty
four hours. And by the way, even just listening to
this recording is a hundred part of the path. Yeah. Like,
and to trust those I always say, like universe breadcrumbs
(19:34):
to the universe is gonna give you these little signs
and these little breadcrumbs, and you're gonna be like, why
does this like feel like a sign? Almost don't know
how it's a sign, but I feel like it's a sign.
Trust that. Okay, Okay, So we're shaking off the limiting beliefs.
We are ready to manifest and visualize. How do we
(19:55):
start with this? You have a thing where you like
to craft your ideal day? Yes, so this is a
really great exercise. And I actually I'm not gonna say
I took it. I had download exactly forty two days
before I met my fiance. I was not planning this
guy's I cannot make it up. Forty two days before
(20:16):
I met my fiance, I downloaded Calling in the one
I have that book girl. I didn't finish it because
they my listeners know I start a lot of books
and don't finish all the way. But I'm actually working
through the course now with perfect my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes,
please talk about this. Sorry to interrupt. I'm so excited
(20:37):
to that because I was literally just about to say.
I downloaded the audio book. I did a few exercises.
The perfect day um was one of them, but I
only got two chapters in and then I just forgot
about it because I don't know about you, but with
audio books, I don't just like stop, do the exercise
and then press play. I can't. I can do that
(20:57):
with a physical book. But needless to say, the exercise
of um crafting your perfect day was in this book.
And if it wasn't, and you come back at me
and you're like, Nancy, it wasn't. I literally described what
you do is And I always recommend doing any kind
of exercise like this because you're going to be using
(21:18):
your imagination, your intuition, and a place of like deep
knowing to do this. So do a little deep breathing.
If you meditate, please do that. If you do whim
hoff breathing, please do that. Get yourself in this state
of calmness and a place where you can access the
(21:38):
deeper wisdom within. You do that first, and this exercise
is for you to allow yourself too imagine the perfect
day that you would have with somebody. So what I
loved about doing this exercise was the reality and in
(21:58):
a sad way, was I had never had my perfect
day with somebody. I did not. I But you know,
life will teach you all the things that you don't
want and all the things that you do want that
you never got. And so were your relationships up to
or before your fiancee? Is as safe to say just
(22:19):
not ideal? Or were there not many? What was your There?
There were many, but there was always a level of
emotional unavailability and from you or your partner, my partner,
I was one of the I have an anxious attachment
style and I know a little avoidance. Yeah, well I
(22:42):
was honestly the self awareness you get from learning your
attachment style. If you are listening and you have not
learned about it, go listen to your recent episodes or
one of your recent episodes, last week's episode. Y'all attachment styles.
It's a game changer. I now I'm seep, very much secure,
but when I skew, I skew avoid it, and that
(23:04):
dynamic between anxious and avoidance is so prevalent. Yeah, having
and what I just think is so cool. It's just
even having that awareness and knowing consciously when you're tapping
into that, whether you're tapping into your anxious attachment, you're
leaning towards the because I too, and I skew secure now,
but I was highly highly anxious, and I always wanted
(23:30):
this like perfect fairy tale. And I know a lot
of people are like, well, don't, don't aim for that.
I chose to aim for it, and I believe I
have that. Um. But what you want to do with
this exercise is just let your imagination run wild from
the very beginning of the day. That's you waking up,
where are you. Are you in bed with your perfect person?
(23:52):
Are they bringing you coffee? Like? Are they making you breakfast?
Go wild and let yourself dream because the reality is
it's not just your imagination and this fake, this fake idea,
it's actually your you giving yourself permission from an intuitive
standpoint to let yourself energetically attract this person through this exercise.
(24:18):
It's extremely powerful. Yeah, and I love that. So you continue,
you craft your day from the from the moment you
wake up to what the rest of the day looks
like with that ideal partner. Yeah, leave no detail out,
like every detail, like does your perfect partner turn to
you the moment you wake up and says I love you?
(24:39):
Or what do you want to do today? I know,
for me, I never had a partner, And I know
it sounds kind of sad now, but I think this
is that many people's realities. We I just I used
to date people who are like workaholics, so they would
always be naturally emotionally unavailable in this particular case. Um,
and then I would just know that I had to
(25:00):
by ten in the morning, but no why, It's just
because they wanted to like get back to their grind. Oh.
So I was like, I'm running wild with this exercise.
I'm going to just make sure that my ideal partner
wants to spend every waking moment with me on Saturday,
(25:20):
Like this is what we're doing, and it's all about
like it's all about me and what I want to
do for once and all the way to the end
of the night. And if you want to go buck wild,
like do the forty eight hour perfectly, like get a
whole weekend, y'all. Manifest the entire weekend. I love it.
I thought you were going to be like for my manifestation.
(25:42):
I was like, I can stay until at least twelve thirty.
You're like, screw that, we got the whole day. Yeah, honestly,
this is so like, please make it your own. I
just feel like you're inner, the inner child in you
wants to be like fully expressed in the exercise and
like all of your dreams. And I can just say, like,
(26:04):
I read that Perfect Day back like several months into
dating my fiance, and I was just like this, I
didn't even think about it. I wasn't. I wasn't like
I'm going to make this exercise and I'm gonna put
it on my wall. I'm just gonna wait for this time.
I just did it because the book told me to
do it, and I was like, I just need I
(26:26):
need to do these exercises. I feel like there's a
reason why I really want to call in my partner.
I trusted that I did the exercise, and then it
turns out looking back and like, wow, we did the hiking.
We woke up together. He always asked me what I
wanted to do. He actually said what he would do.
I think that's a big one for a lot of us. Um,
(26:47):
and it's yeah, and just trust that process, like have
fun with it, please. I know it's like grueling when
when we're trying to take the process seriously and wanting
to like do it all correctly, but you have to
have fun and you have to be creative and be cheesy,
like give yourself permission to be uber cheese. Yeah. Outside
(27:13):
of you know, idealizing and sort of visualizing our ideal
day with our partner. Are there any other steps for
manifesting love and relationships? Sometimes you hear about vision board,
speaking into existence. Um. Is there anything mindset wise or
energetically that we can do to help up the manifest vibes? Yes?
(27:33):
So if the perfect day isn't your jam yet or
you're just like not sure that's going to work for you,
what I honestly suggest so hard is to um, there's two.
There's two. Well, I'll just say the first option, Um, given,
give us both, give us both. So I do two things.
I one of the things that really shocks me because
(27:53):
it shocked me personally. A lot of the stuff that
what I do with my coaching, I've already tried it out,
I've already like fell into it. If I were out,
let me just ask you how many how many like
needs do you think we have, like either in a
relationship or just us individually, Like right now, how many
needs do you think we we have? Oh gosh, just
(28:16):
like with anyone just in general, what would it take
for Souri to just yeah, if I asked you, like,
how many needs do you have? Tell me how many
needs you feel you have? Just in the next say
less than a dozen? Okay, like like maybe generally speaking
on any given day, like four to six. I don't know,
I totally just yeah, yes, my way through them, but
(28:38):
maybe yeah, So how many times how many times do
you feel like, let's say, before you met your guy,
you were like, honestly, I just want a guy who
does who's X, Y and set? And you name like
three things and you're like those are my bare basics,
Like that's what I'm looking for. Each human has like
(28:59):
a ray eating scale on about sixty different needs sixty
like your your need for authenticity, creativity, um, communication of
course is one that gets thrown out there. Um your
need for space and respect. And there's so many different
needs and we're all just trying to We don't even
(29:21):
realize we're consciously creating and we're like, oh, but I
just need these three needs met. It's like, no, no,
let's explore the sixty needs. And if you're curious, Nancy,
where do you get this list? You can go to
the Center for Nonviolent Communication. They have in needs inventory. Um,
I'll send you the link. Um, if you wanted to
share that, yeah, we'll make sure we put in the
(29:42):
show notes. Thank you. Yeah, It's just and you look
at I challenge my clients to do this. I'm like,
go through every need, rate it from one to ten.
Ten being is significantly important to you, and and challenge
yourself to say, Okay, was this pres sin in any
of my relationships? And how do I want it to
(30:03):
look when I am in that ideal relationship? Because how
many times do we get into relationships and we just
know we want somebody who is, um, let's say creative.
Because let's say you have a lot of creative endeavors
and you want somebody who's equally as creative. You can
bounce ideas off of them, and then you go and
(30:23):
you date somebody where you have a lot of chemistry,
but they're they're not willing to like, they're not really
that interested in what you have, like what you have
to say or and then all of a sudden you're
just thinking, well, you know, maybe I don't actually need that.
If you do this exercise, you will be unapologetic about
your needs and you will learn so much about yourself
(30:46):
in like an hour. Oh my gosh, I love that. Wait,
so what's the cozy and I about to go do
it tonight just to be like, wait, what are my knees?
Let me double check. We talk about core values on
the podcast, sort of figuring out, Okay, what do I
need to light me up and and feel like I'm
walking in my purpose and or or family and whatever else.
Relationships too, it's so important romantic one, so I'm glad
(31:09):
that you bring that up. And then also even if
you're in a relationship, I think that could be a
cool check in, right, like for me, my my partner, Hey,
let's take this quiz tonight and then like be really
honest with ourselves about how much we're showing up for
one another in these these spaces that we apparently value. Yes,
so important. This is something that I almost am tempted
(31:32):
to say this is something we should do like a
yearly check in and just be like, you know, am
I being? Because when you do this and you look
at these needs, it's confrontational in this sense where you
can say, wow, I have not been honoring my needs
and where can I do that with myself in my relationships? UM,
(31:52):
whether that's family or even um, your partner. Right, you can.
It's something. It's it's a real like uh gut check. Yes, yeah,
it's the perfect way to put it. Okay, So that
was one of the two that you were going to recommend, right, yes, this.
So the second is, let's say you have UM when
(32:13):
you let yourself I always have to preface when you
let yourself put on put pen to paper and you
write down, let's say the ten to twenty things that
you're looking for in a partner from a value standpoint,
and you write affirmations to call them in. So let's
(32:34):
say you've been you know, you met one too many
narcissists manipulators. Okay, shout recommend to you if you like. Yeah,
So let's say that that's that's what you've run in
too many times and you decide that a value that
you really stand for you're looking for somebody who's either
(32:56):
honest or authentic. Um. You make a statement around that
where you say, my ideal partner um either shows me
honesty by doing X y Z, or you can even
say like, thank you Universe for sending me the most
(33:16):
honest man I've ever met in my life. So you
to those verbal affirmations to kind of speak a thing
into existence. Yeah, and and I'm really feeling called to
continue to say like, give yourself permission to want this,
because I will tell you your limiting beliefs or unconscious
(33:37):
programming is going to say, either through your experience or
what you've been told. Well, oh and oh sorry, here's
a very good one. Um. When you think that a
guy can't be emotionally available yet you know hunky and masculine, um,
and you do you just you say like, I'm um, like,
(33:58):
thank you Universe for sending me a man who's emotionally
in tune. And uh, doesn't problem solve when I'm crying.
You're gonna be tempted to be like, oh God, like
that doesn't exist. Why am I doing this exercise? This
stupid go with it as somebody who has always has
encountered many emotionally unavailable people. When you challenge yourself to say,
(34:23):
but I'm going to look for an emotional, emotionally in
tune person. That's who I need in my life, that's
who I deserve. You will just notice that you meet
let's say, fewer guys, but the guys you do meet
are shockingly if that's what you feel, that's not been
your experience, you will be shocked that that's who you
run into. But like, let that limiting belief, like let
(34:46):
it be present, but don't believe it in this moment. Yeah,
keep going, like, let yourself feel into this experience, because
what's coming up for me right now? We all, I
think I believe that we all have some one couple
in our life that we can set our gaze on.
(35:09):
We have a lot of other couples where you know,
things are falling apart twenty twenty, I feel like there's
five couples remaining on the planet. Oh my gosh, maybe
five couple standing. I'm just like, yes, um, but we
all have. I remember going for drinks with somebody um
I met. It was doing a commercial and I really
just I felt like there was this like father figure guy,
(35:31):
and he he asked me to go for a drink,
and you know what he did. He talked about how
he had these crappy relationships and then he just he
met his wife and he showed me what a conscious
man looks like and that they do in fact exist. Yeah,
so if you do once you realize, oh this is
(35:51):
a real yes, yes, spend time with people. I'm not
saying ditch your friends, but spend time seeking out couples
that are your version of healthy and ask them about
like the trials and tribulations and did they feel the
same way you felt, maybe hopeless or you know it's
(36:13):
not gonna happen for you. They will tell you I
thought the same thing, but it happened for me, and
I know that person is out there for you too.
So again, what exactly what you said. We're going to
look for evidence that this person like, we're gonna we're
gonna find evidence to reinforce what we believe. But you're
(36:34):
changing the story now and consciously, um calling in your partner,
and that's going to require a news story and setting
your gaze not not far away, like you just turn
it slightly to keep your eye on the prize. And
look for the people who inspire you and love. I
absolutely love that. That is a perfect note to end on.
(36:57):
If people are interested in learn more about your work
or reaching out to you, maybe they want some assistance
in manifesting this ideal partner, or hell, they might want
to conscious on coupling. Where can they find you? Where
can they reach out to you? They can find me
at Hello breakup dot com. Oh that's such a cute domain.
(37:17):
That's so catchy. I love it. It makes breaking up
sound adorable. I'm like, I know right a little bit
were fighting and welcoming right nice and warming cozy as
you hit the single streets again. Nancy, thank you so
much for your advice and your wisdom. I love this
stuff and you clearly are so well versed in it,
(37:40):
so I'm excited for us to get our manifestation on
courtesy of you. And also, hello breakup dot com. We'll
make sure we check that out. Thank you. Thanks for
having me happy. All right, what do we think? How
we feeling? You're all ready to visualize? Ready to manifest
that izell partner. Thank you so much again to Nancy
(38:00):
for coming on. She was uh so just fascinating. I
love her perspective, and I really encourage you all to
try with the positive affirmations and then also crafting your
ideal day. I haven't done that one, but I kind
of love the idea of it, and even being in
a relationship now, um, which I'm going to get into
(38:20):
maybe future episodes of the podcast, so stay tuned if
you are trying to be nosy. But I kind of
still love the idea of visualizing an ideal day with
your partner, even if you already have them. So maybe
I'm not idealizing like oh, this non existent human. It's like, oh,
I'm in a relationship and it's great, and this could
(38:43):
make it better. This could help me visualize and get
really intentional about the types of days or weeks or
experiences that we want to have. So I'm definitely gonna
try it. I hope you will too. Let me know
what you thought, what your favorite part of today's conversation was,
and don't forget you should keep up with me on
Instagram so we can keep the party going until next
(39:04):
Monday when another episode drops. Follow me at Zuri Hall
z U R I H A L L and keep
up with us at Hot Happy Mess. I will see
you next week. Bye guys,
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hot Happy That. I'm Zurie Hall and this
is hot Happy May Shoot. What is up? Welcome back
to another episode of Hot Happy Mess. I am your host,
(00:28):
Zuri Hall, and you guys are loving the series. I'm
so happy about it because love and relationships, as you
know by now hopefully maybe, um, it's like one of
my favorite things to talk about, the good, the bad, happy,
ugly of it. So I'm so glad that you guys
are enjoying it so far. Today we are diving into
(00:50):
a topic that I am all about. I want to
do like a multi episode series on just the art
of manifestation and um, the power of attraction, the law
of attraction and the power of just kind of your
thoughts and how they shape and create our realities because
I am living proof of speaking things into existence and
(01:14):
living intentionally and being like, holy crap, I thought this
into existence. And I'll go into that more in future episodes,
but I want to just dive right into today's expert
because she's so awesome, so smart, and she is all
about how to craft your ideal relationship. Okay, it is
time to load the Power Couple. Are you ready? We
(01:38):
are about to manifest a whole partner. Whoever you're into,
whatever you're into, She's got the keys to make it happen.
So I'm going to dive right in Nancy Ruth Dean.
She is a conscious breakup coach who not only helps
people hill through their breakups, but teaches them what it
takes to manifest a relationship that last. She applies a
(02:01):
combination of mindfulness, spirituality, and practical lessons she's learned over
the last six years as a former matchmaker and a
woman who went from another bad breakup to meeting her fiancee.
She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Bustle, Swipe, Life, Well
and Good, and much much more. So let's dive right in.
(02:23):
Nancy is gonna take us through how to craft our
ideal relationship, how to use affirmations to get the life
that we want and the partner that we want. Here's Nancy, alright,
so let's just go ahead and dive right in Nancy.
I am fascinated with the art of manifestation. Uh, for
(02:46):
those who might be new to the concept of visualization
and manifestation, what is it? What does it mean? So
manifesting is just honestly, it can sound a little bit
out there, but it's co creating with the universe. But
if you're not super into the universe, then you might
just think it's consciously thinking about your thoughts and putting
(03:09):
them into action, but doing it from a conscious level,
as opposed to m M. I guess I'll just see
how things go. It's actually being conscious about it. And
you do conscious breakup coaching, amongst other things. And that's
a term like we obviously came to know Gwyneth Paltrow
(03:30):
kind of made famous, right. I've reported on that a
lot in my entertainment news career, the conscious uncoupling. So
what is your your specialty, particularly when it comes to
conscious relationship work. Yeah, so, um, basically what I do.
And I always kind of have to preface with, like
why I even became a conscious breakup coach, just to
(03:52):
give people a good idea. They're like, yeah, you deal
with breakups. But when I was a former matchmaker, that's
when I learned just how often we try to date,
but we actually aren't really over our ex so we
just like and like, I wasn't even expecting to learn
this when I was a matchmaker for for a few years,
(04:14):
but after like sitting down with people and asking them
what are you looking for in a partner, they would
just either repeat what they experienced with their last relationship,
or they would like, I want to date somebody new
in spite of their last relationship. But there wasn't that
actual inner work and like dealing with it. So I
(04:36):
became a conscious breakup coach for that reason, to actually
help people tie up the last chapter of their life,
but also invite them into a new way of thinking
for their next relationship. And that's where manifesting comes into
the conscious process of getting yourself into a relationship. I
(04:57):
love that, and it's a fascinating thing to think about.
When we break up or end things. A lot of
times it's easy to just fall into the next relationship
in reaction to the last one. So what I'm looking
for now is just the opposite of the guy that
just did whatever and anything that's not like him. And
then you look up in this new relationship and you're like, wait,
I don't actually want this either, I just really didn't
(05:18):
want the last thing. So setting that intention it's so important,
it's so important, Like I was actually just on a
podcast the other day and they were talking to me
like what are the rules, Like what should you do?
Like should you just not date somebody after? And honestly,
it's like everybody has their own path, but you also
(05:39):
you need to have the balance between doing the inner work,
like what there's obviously grieving, but there's also doing the
inner work like what actually happened here? And what do
I actually want to do going forward? Instead of a
breakup being this period where you're like you're just trying
(06:00):
to distract yourself until your next relationship, it's like, no,
use your breakup. Use your breakup to grieve, okay, and
create a space to do the inner work so that
you can actually find a relationship that lasts well. Thankfully,
today we won't be talking too much about the breaking
(06:22):
up part because we're out here trying to manifest these
relationships for the listeners. We might have to convince you
to come back for the for the episode about ending things,
but hopefully with the right type of intention setting and visualization,
will be out here making forever matches for our hot,
happy mess listeners. To start things off, first of all,
what is your relationship status If you don't mind me
(06:43):
asking sometimes that the ladies like to know I'm engaged, okay,
all right, and was you know the experience that led
up to your engagement one where you went through this
sort of visualization and manifesting. Yes, for those of you
who are listening and or like, honestly, I just look
around and it's like, I know what can happen for you,
(07:04):
but it can't happen for me. I did the conscious
process of manifesting my dream partner. I wrote an article
about it, outlining what what it meant for me to
actually do that. And it's crazy to think that I
actually went from being that person that that had multiple
(07:24):
breakups and just reading other articles like oh my gosh,
like I know you can manifest and like I'm trying
to do that, but maybe it's not working. I always say, like,
if you're guided to manifesting your dream partner, and like
that's what's up for you right now, Like there's no
reason for that. And I was the kind of person
where I was like, you know what, this has to
(07:46):
be a sign that I can do it too. So
I always like turned to my fiance and I'm like
I manifested you, and in his own way, He's like,
I manifested you too, but he wasn't doing the let's
say tactics and the exercises I was doing, but he
was doing his own form of it for sure, his version. Okay,
(08:07):
I got it. Well, all that matters is you found
each other. Maybe you were doing the heavy lifting in
the manifestation department, but all's well, that ends well you
you're together any games, So congratulations. What are the first steps?
So we're ready, hypothetically to date to find the one?
Where do we begin? Okay? So this is really important.
(08:33):
And again I'm going to kind of loop in my
professional matchmaking into this. And I know you were match
made on TV, so I yes, I And he's in
the living room right now. So is it still working y'all? Perfect?
I remember I looked at your story and I I
laughed because I think our friends and the people we
(08:55):
know like they're excellent matchmakers for the record, But um,
when it comes to consciously manifesting your dream partner, you actually,
instead of I almost want to phrase this like really
properly here, you want to actually uncover your limiting beliefs,
(09:16):
like this stuff that's holding you back. You want to
do a deep dive and the biggest thing that I
noticed in society. For for whatever reason, we've gotten kind
of beat down, and we have this idea that you
have to be very realistic about who you're looking for. Right.
We hear that all the time, and we've probably thrown
it out a couple of times. You've got to be realistic,
(09:39):
and everybody's absorbed that, and it's actually a limiting belief
that we have. So where do we start when it
comes to manifesting? It's understanding where have we been unconsciously
programmed to settle for less, to settle for things that
we don't want. But someone else in our life has
told us that we should just to be handed that
(10:00):
and we just have to deal with it. And no
relationships the way it is like like, if it's not him,
who will it be? If not her, you might be
waiting for a while. Yeah, literally, I will have And
I'm I'm deviating a little bit, but I'm really passionate
where I have conversations with people all the time about
(10:21):
how they're there. Let's say they go on a date
and they just know by date two that they're not
feeling it. Their soul is saying something and they turned
to their friend and they say, what do you think
I should do? Like, I don't know if I'm feeling it.
Their friend will just be like, you have to give
them a second chance. And in some cases you're like,
I don't know if I want to give them a
(10:42):
second chance. Like they told me they're dating multiple people.
I don't know if that's what I want. Um. But
it really does start from seeing where where you have
these limiting beliefs, Like at the end of the day,
you have to understand that the person you intuitively feel
you will be with from a feeling intuitive perspective, not
(11:04):
from I'm looking for a Ryan Reynolds clone with two
degrees and a great house. You might end up with.
You might end up with that, but you gotta look
at it from a value standpoint and not from the
the the rating scale that society gives us. Right, So
really start off by understanding you do deserve the great
(11:27):
love that you have in mind. And if if you
are dating and you meet somebody and they might be good,
they might be cool, but they're not that like they're
not great for you, like trust that part of you
and if society is like, no, give them another chance.
Or um, you're too picky like that might just be
(11:52):
societal programming. So know that you do deserve that great love.
That is like step number one. Okay, got it. What
are a couple of examples of limiting beliefs, things that
we might have been told, whether subconsciously or through our upbringing.
You're not pretty enough, you're not smart enough. This type
of person will never date you because this What are
(12:13):
some examples that you could give us that might be
limiting us. The first one that actually comes to mind,
for whatever reason, is actually the biggest limiting belief that
keeps us in the wrong relationship UM, or in a
relationship that is way past its expiry date um. And
now we've all been there, which is um. Like I said,
(12:34):
no relationship is perfect, and you many of us listening
will be like, no, that's true, though, no relationship is perfect.
But what we do is when we're in a moment
where we know we probably have to leave, and then
that sentence comes through from like maybe are like grandma
or grandpa or somebody we admired. But in this case
(12:54):
that's what's keeping me stuck. No relationship is perfect. The
moment you notice something intuitively feels wrong about this person,
whether you're staying in the relationship or you're dating and
you feel that coming up and you think, no relationship
is perfect. That's how you can tell it sounds good
when the right person is saying it, but in your case,
(13:17):
it's holding you back. So that's one of them. The
other one. Um, they're so so many. UM I had,
you know, I had several growing up. I was like,
um I was. I always thought to myself like, oh,
I'm exotic, but you know, guys just want to settle
down with like the white girl, so it would be
(13:39):
like fun for a few days. What's your background? Like
where are you? Because everyone's listening, so they don't. My
dad is Indo Trinidadian and my mom is white. Okay,
got it, got it. And you're like, everyone's just out
here looking for the blonde, blue eyed quote unquote American prototype. Yeah,
(14:00):
uh so, and this and these limiting beliefs they come
from childhood. Like I grew up in a town that
was fully white, small town, and that's what I saw
that guys liked. But when when I got old enough
to date, I didn't realize that that was a limiting
belief I thought it was a truth. So we all
(14:24):
have truths. We all, um, we think. And you know,
for the girls listening who who like guys, they they
might think, you know, guys don't only want to date
girls who are like nines and above, or they have
this size waste and and they have this idea that
like guys only care about looks. That was a really
big one. Um. That might be true in many cases.
(14:47):
But if you're on this planet and you believe in
soulmates and you believe that person is out there for you,
you you have to work on that because it's true
in some cases. But there's somebody out there manifesting you too.
And if you keep thinking that guy's only like women
(15:07):
to look a certain way, then you might walk right
past your soul mate possibly, or when you find him,
you might find a reason to kick him out of
your life because you might feel unworthy in some way. Right. Yeah,
And it's like subconsciously we're trying to validate the things
that we have decided are true. So even if I'm
not actively trying to sabotage, deep down, my sense of
(15:30):
self is so derived and who I am, who I've been,
how people have treated me, my my school experience, that
I have to keep reaffirming all that stuff. Otherwise who
am I if not the stories I tell myself about
who I am. And it takes a lot of efforts
sometimes to shake yourself free of of those shackles that
(15:50):
are completely of our own. I won't say making, because
our experiences make them, but deciding not to turn the
knob and sort of walk out of the cage, that's
a choice that we're making, even if it's subconscious at
a certain point. Yeah, you're speaking my language so hard
because we often and I was definitely like this to
(16:11):
where you just really believe that you're handed something and
you're handed it for life, like it's just always going
to be the case. And it was hard when I
started doing the inner work several years ago because to
some extent, I found it really unnatural to want more
for myself in love and in life period. Because you know,
(16:35):
not not to break any um dreams here, but you know,
if you're if you're trying to manifest one thing, you're
going to notice a limiting belief that shows up in
the in your entire life everywhere. And so that's the
power of doing inner work. But in the beginning, You're like,
I don't want to believe that I can free myself
from a cage, or to some extent, I put myself
(16:55):
in the cage for this. Like you, you you almost
don't want to believe that, and you want to You
almost want to keep that story that's been playing since
you were like five or six years old. Yeah, so
if we realize what our limiting beliefs are, maybe done
the work or self exploration to be like, oh, I've
been telling myself this, but I want to change it
before we get to you know, the big finale that
(17:18):
the manifesting of the the ideal partner. How do we
shake the limiting beliefs that would keep us from that person?
Is it therapy that you recommend? Are there any platforms
or practices that you encourage people to try. Yeah, that's
such a good question. It depends on everybody, will be
So what what I normally do? There are so many
(17:39):
incredible resources. I recommend everybody who's doing this process to
hopefully have spiritual you know, it's you know, a therapist
or a great coach or a spiritual teacher. I personally
started getting involved in this work because I just thought,
you know, little Nancy just going on like a boat
(18:00):
a voting day, and low and behold this woman who
was ten years my senior. She she decided to take
me on as a spiritual student. And in the beginning
I was like, I don't know, like if this is okay,
Like I'll go what am I doing? But okay, sure,
let's see. It was very informal, right, So I always think,
(18:23):
you know, everybody can benefit from that one person who's
going to be your guy, because I do believe, you know,
we're on this planet and we always alternate. We're either
finding a teacher and we're the student, or we are
the teacher and somebody else is a student. But getting
on this path, there's so many amazing Instagram accounts like
I love the Holistic Psychologist personally. She's really good at
(18:49):
for you to recognize that, yes, it's your life experience
you're sharing. You know, when people talk about like this
is why I am the way that i'm this is
my life experience. When you get conscious, you can finally
see the story that's playing, and it's such a powerful
place to be. So set the intention. If you don't
(19:12):
have anyone right now, or you don't even know where
to start or it's overwhelming. Set the intention to be
guided to a resource, you know, in the next twenty
four hours. And by the way, even just listening to
this recording is a hundred part of the path. Yeah. Like,
and to trust those I always say, like universe breadcrumbs
(19:34):
to the universe is gonna give you these little signs
and these little breadcrumbs, and you're gonna be like, why
does this like feel like a sign? Almost don't know
how it's a sign, but I feel like it's a sign.
Trust that. Okay, Okay, So we're shaking off the limiting beliefs.
We are ready to manifest and visualize. How do we
(19:55):
start with this? You have a thing where you like
to craft your ideal day? Yes, so this is a
really great exercise. And I actually I'm not gonna say
I took it. I had download exactly forty two days
before I met my fiance. I was not planning this
guy's I cannot make it up. Forty two days before
(20:16):
I met my fiance, I downloaded Calling in the one
I have that book girl. I didn't finish it because
they my listeners know I start a lot of books
and don't finish all the way. But I'm actually working
through the course now with perfect my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes,
please talk about this. Sorry to interrupt. I'm so excited
(20:37):
to that because I was literally just about to say.
I downloaded the audio book. I did a few exercises.
The perfect day um was one of them, but I
only got two chapters in and then I just forgot
about it because I don't know about you, but with
audio books, I don't just like stop, do the exercise
and then press play. I can't. I can do that
(20:57):
with a physical book. But needless to say, the exercise
of um crafting your perfect day was in this book.
And if it wasn't, and you come back at me
and you're like, Nancy, it wasn't. I literally described what
you do is And I always recommend doing any kind
of exercise like this because you're going to be using
(21:18):
your imagination, your intuition, and a place of like deep
knowing to do this. So do a little deep breathing.
If you meditate, please do that. If you do whim
hoff breathing, please do that. Get yourself in this state
of calmness and a place where you can access the
(21:38):
deeper wisdom within. You do that first, and this exercise
is for you to allow yourself too imagine the perfect
day that you would have with somebody. So what I
loved about doing this exercise was the reality and in
(21:58):
a sad way, was I had never had my perfect
day with somebody. I did not. I But you know,
life will teach you all the things that you don't
want and all the things that you do want that
you never got. And so were your relationships up to
or before your fiancee? Is as safe to say just
(22:19):
not ideal? Or were there not many? What was your There?
There were many, but there was always a level of
emotional unavailability and from you or your partner, my partner,
I was one of the I have an anxious attachment
style and I know a little avoidance. Yeah, well I
(22:42):
was honestly the self awareness you get from learning your
attachment style. If you are listening and you have not
learned about it, go listen to your recent episodes or
one of your recent episodes, last week's episode. Y'all attachment styles.
It's a game changer. I now I'm seep, very much secure,
but when I skew, I skew avoid it, and that
(23:04):
dynamic between anxious and avoidance is so prevalent. Yeah, having
and what I just think is so cool. It's just
even having that awareness and knowing consciously when you're tapping
into that, whether you're tapping into your anxious attachment, you're
leaning towards the because I too, and I skew secure now,
but I was highly highly anxious, and I always wanted
(23:30):
this like perfect fairy tale. And I know a lot
of people are like, well, don't, don't aim for that.
I chose to aim for it, and I believe I
have that. Um. But what you want to do with
this exercise is just let your imagination run wild from
the very beginning of the day. That's you waking up,
where are you. Are you in bed with your perfect person?
(23:52):
Are they bringing you coffee? Like? Are they making you breakfast?
Go wild and let yourself dream because the reality is
it's not just your imagination and this fake, this fake idea,
it's actually your you giving yourself permission from an intuitive
standpoint to let yourself energetically attract this person through this exercise.
(24:18):
It's extremely powerful. Yeah, and I love that. So you continue,
you craft your day from the from the moment you
wake up to what the rest of the day looks
like with that ideal partner. Yeah, leave no detail out,
like every detail, like does your perfect partner turn to
you the moment you wake up and says I love you?
(24:39):
Or what do you want to do today? I know,
for me, I never had a partner, And I know
it sounds kind of sad now, but I think this
is that many people's realities. We I just I used
to date people who are like workaholics, so they would
always be naturally emotionally unavailable in this particular case. Um,
and then I would just know that I had to
(25:00):
by ten in the morning, but no why, It's just
because they wanted to like get back to their grind. Oh.
So I was like, I'm running wild with this exercise.
I'm going to just make sure that my ideal partner
wants to spend every waking moment with me on Saturday,
(25:20):
Like this is what we're doing, and it's all about
like it's all about me and what I want to
do for once and all the way to the end
of the night. And if you want to go buck wild,
like do the forty eight hour perfectly, like get a
whole weekend, y'all. Manifest the entire weekend. I love it.
I thought you were going to be like for my manifestation.
(25:42):
I was like, I can stay until at least twelve thirty.
You're like, screw that, we got the whole day. Yeah, honestly,
this is so like, please make it your own. I
just feel like you're inner, the inner child in you
wants to be like fully expressed in the exercise and
like all of your dreams. And I can just say, like,
(26:04):
I read that Perfect Day back like several months into
dating my fiance, and I was just like this, I
didn't even think about it. I wasn't. I wasn't like
I'm going to make this exercise and I'm gonna put
it on my wall. I'm just gonna wait for this time.
I just did it because the book told me to
do it, and I was like, I just need I
(26:26):
need to do these exercises. I feel like there's a
reason why I really want to call in my partner.
I trusted that I did the exercise, and then it
turns out looking back and like, wow, we did the hiking.
We woke up together. He always asked me what I
wanted to do. He actually said what he would do.
I think that's a big one for a lot of us. Um,
(26:47):
and it's yeah, and just trust that process, like have
fun with it, please. I know it's like grueling when
when we're trying to take the process seriously and wanting
to like do it all correctly, but you have to
have fun and you have to be creative and be cheesy,
like give yourself permission to be uber cheese. Yeah. Outside
(27:13):
of you know, idealizing and sort of visualizing our ideal
day with our partner. Are there any other steps for
manifesting love and relationships? Sometimes you hear about vision board,
speaking into existence. Um. Is there anything mindset wise or
energetically that we can do to help up the manifest vibes? Yes?
(27:33):
So if the perfect day isn't your jam yet or
you're just like not sure that's going to work for you,
what I honestly suggest so hard is to um, there's two.
There's two. Well, I'll just say the first option, Um, given,
give us both, give us both. So I do two things.
I one of the things that really shocks me because
(27:53):
it shocked me personally. A lot of the stuff that
what I do with my coaching, I've already tried it out,
I've already like fell into it. If I were out,
let me just ask you how many how many like
needs do you think we have, like either in a
relationship or just us individually, Like right now, how many
needs do you think we we have? Oh gosh, just
(28:16):
like with anyone just in general, what would it take
for Souri to just yeah, if I asked you, like,
how many needs do you have? Tell me how many
needs you feel you have? Just in the next say
less than a dozen? Okay, like like maybe generally speaking
on any given day, like four to six. I don't know,
I totally just yeah, yes, my way through them, but
(28:38):
maybe yeah, So how many times how many times do
you feel like, let's say, before you met your guy,
you were like, honestly, I just want a guy who
does who's X, Y and set? And you name like
three things and you're like those are my bare basics,
Like that's what I'm looking for. Each human has like
(28:59):
a ray eating scale on about sixty different needs sixty
like your your need for authenticity, creativity, um, communication of
course is one that gets thrown out there. Um your
need for space and respect. And there's so many different
needs and we're all just trying to We don't even
(29:21):
realize we're consciously creating and we're like, oh, but I
just need these three needs met. It's like, no, no,
let's explore the sixty needs. And if you're curious, Nancy,
where do you get this list? You can go to
the Center for Nonviolent Communication. They have in needs inventory. Um,
I'll send you the link. Um, if you wanted to
share that, yeah, we'll make sure we put in the
(29:42):
show notes. Thank you. Yeah, It's just and you look
at I challenge my clients to do this. I'm like,
go through every need, rate it from one to ten.
Ten being is significantly important to you, and and challenge
yourself to say, Okay, was this pres sin in any
of my relationships? And how do I want it to
(30:03):
look when I am in that ideal relationship? Because how
many times do we get into relationships and we just
know we want somebody who is, um, let's say creative.
Because let's say you have a lot of creative endeavors
and you want somebody who's equally as creative. You can
bounce ideas off of them, and then you go and
(30:23):
you date somebody where you have a lot of chemistry,
but they're they're not willing to like, they're not really
that interested in what you have, like what you have
to say or and then all of a sudden you're
just thinking, well, you know, maybe I don't actually need that.
If you do this exercise, you will be unapologetic about
your needs and you will learn so much about yourself
(30:46):
in like an hour. Oh my gosh, I love that. Wait,
so what's the cozy and I about to go do
it tonight just to be like, wait, what are my knees?
Let me double check. We talk about core values on
the podcast, sort of figuring out, Okay, what do I
need to light me up and and feel like I'm
walking in my purpose and or or family and whatever else.
Relationships too, it's so important romantic one, so I'm glad
(31:09):
that you bring that up. And then also even if
you're in a relationship, I think that could be a
cool check in, right, like for me, my my partner, Hey,
let's take this quiz tonight and then like be really
honest with ourselves about how much we're showing up for
one another in these these spaces that we apparently value. Yes,
so important. This is something that I almost am tempted
(31:32):
to say this is something we should do like a
yearly check in and just be like, you know, am
I being? Because when you do this and you look
at these needs, it's confrontational in this sense where you
can say, wow, I have not been honoring my needs
and where can I do that with myself in my relationships? UM,
(31:52):
whether that's family or even um, your partner. Right, you can.
It's something. It's it's a real like uh gut check. Yes, yeah,
it's the perfect way to put it. Okay, So that
was one of the two that you were going to recommend, right, yes, this.
So the second is, let's say you have UM when
(32:13):
you let yourself I always have to preface when you
let yourself put on put pen to paper and you
write down, let's say the ten to twenty things that
you're looking for in a partner from a value standpoint,
and you write affirmations to call them in. So let's
(32:34):
say you've been you know, you met one too many
narcissists manipulators. Okay, shout recommend to you if you like. Yeah,
So let's say that that's that's what you've run in
too many times and you decide that a value that
you really stand for you're looking for somebody who's either
(32:56):
honest or authentic. Um. You make a statement around that
where you say, my ideal partner um either shows me
honesty by doing X y Z, or you can even
say like, thank you Universe for sending me the most
(33:16):
honest man I've ever met in my life. So you
to those verbal affirmations to kind of speak a thing
into existence. Yeah, and and I'm really feeling called to
continue to say like, give yourself permission to want this,
because I will tell you your limiting beliefs or unconscious
(33:37):
programming is going to say, either through your experience or
what you've been told. Well, oh and oh sorry, here's
a very good one. Um. When you think that a
guy can't be emotionally available yet you know hunky and masculine, um,
and you do you just you say like, I'm um, like,
(33:58):
thank you Universe for sending me a man who's emotionally
in tune. And uh, doesn't problem solve when I'm crying.
You're gonna be tempted to be like, oh God, like
that doesn't exist. Why am I doing this exercise? This
stupid go with it as somebody who has always has
encountered many emotionally unavailable people. When you challenge yourself to say,
(34:23):
but I'm going to look for an emotional, emotionally in
tune person. That's who I need in my life, that's
who I deserve. You will just notice that you meet
let's say, fewer guys, but the guys you do meet
are shockingly if that's what you feel, that's not been
your experience, you will be shocked that that's who you
run into. But like, let that limiting belief, like let
(34:46):
it be present, but don't believe it in this moment. Yeah,
keep going, like, let yourself feel into this experience, because
what's coming up for me right now? We all, I
think I believe that we all have some one couple
in our life that we can set our gaze on.
(35:09):
We have a lot of other couples where you know,
things are falling apart twenty twenty, I feel like there's
five couples remaining on the planet. Oh my gosh, maybe
five couple standing. I'm just like, yes, um, but we
all have. I remember going for drinks with somebody um
I met. It was doing a commercial and I really
just I felt like there was this like father figure guy,
(35:31):
and he he asked me to go for a drink,
and you know what he did. He talked about how
he had these crappy relationships and then he just he
met his wife and he showed me what a conscious
man looks like and that they do in fact exist. Yeah,
so if you do once you realize, oh this is
(35:51):
a real yes, yes, spend time with people. I'm not
saying ditch your friends, but spend time seeking out couples
that are your version of healthy and ask them about
like the trials and tribulations and did they feel the
same way you felt, maybe hopeless or you know it's
(36:13):
not gonna happen for you. They will tell you I
thought the same thing, but it happened for me, and
I know that person is out there for you too.
So again, what exactly what you said. We're going to
look for evidence that this person like, we're gonna we're
gonna find evidence to reinforce what we believe. But you're
(36:34):
changing the story now and consciously, um calling in your partner,
and that's going to require a news story and setting
your gaze not not far away, like you just turn
it slightly to keep your eye on the prize. And
look for the people who inspire you and love. I
absolutely love that. That is a perfect note to end on.
(36:57):
If people are interested in learn more about your work
or reaching out to you, maybe they want some assistance
in manifesting this ideal partner, or hell, they might want
to conscious on coupling. Where can they find you? Where
can they reach out to you? They can find me
at Hello breakup dot com. Oh that's such a cute domain.
(37:17):
That's so catchy. I love it. It makes breaking up
sound adorable. I'm like, I know right a little bit
were fighting and welcoming right nice and warming cozy as
you hit the single streets again. Nancy, thank you so
much for your advice and your wisdom. I love this
stuff and you clearly are so well versed in it,
(37:40):
so I'm excited for us to get our manifestation on
courtesy of you. And also, hello breakup dot com. We'll
make sure we check that out. Thank you. Thanks for
having me happy. All right, what do we think? How
we feeling? You're all ready to visualize? Ready to manifest
that izell partner. Thank you so much again to Nancy
(38:00):
for coming on. She was uh so just fascinating. I
love her perspective, and I really encourage you all to
try with the positive affirmations and then also crafting your
ideal day. I haven't done that one, but I kind
of love the idea of it, and even being in
a relationship now, um, which I'm going to get into
(38:20):
maybe future episodes of the podcast, so stay tuned if
you are trying to be nosy. But I kind of
still love the idea of visualizing an ideal day with
your partner, even if you already have them. So maybe
I'm not idealizing like oh, this non existent human. It's like, oh,
I'm in a relationship and it's great, and this could
(38:43):
make it better. This could help me visualize and get
really intentional about the types of days or weeks or
experiences that we want to have. So I'm definitely gonna
try it. I hope you will too. Let me know
what you thought, what your favorite part of today's conversation was,
and don't forget you should keep up with me on
Instagram so we can keep the party going until next
(39:04):
Monday when another episode drops. Follow me at Zuri Hall
z U R I H A L L and keep
up with us at Hot Happy Mess. I will see
you next week. Bye guys,
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