March 8, 2021 • 49 mins
Today Zuri is chatting all things love and relationships, in our signature segment #AskZuri. Zuri will be answering YOUR questions about when to get married, if you should freeze your eggs (or not), on moving in with your partner and setting ground rules, to whether or not a listener should activate their inner-petty against their cheating boyfriend! You asked, Z’ answers (just don’t hold her legally responsible for it!) Next up, we’re announcing the launch of our top-secret, super-exclusive group, just for our Hot Happy Mess crew. And because we love y’all so much, we’re super excited to announce our next giveaway with Love Vera, a Black-owned lingerie brand that is inclusive for all sizes + skin tones! Read the Shownotes for all the deets on how to enter this amazing giveaway and how to join our exclusive Facebook group!
Recent episodes: if ya feel like bingeing:
ICYMI: Listen to Episode 12: The BEST. SEX. EVER. Episode. (What You’ve Been Too Shy to Ask!!)
ICYMI: Listen to Episode 3: Self Love is Sexy AF | Happiness + Peace
Go back to the beginning --- ICYMI: Listen to Episode 1: How to Be Happy
Follow @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess on Instagram to keep the good vibes going.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes Happy. I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot
Happy Made. What is up? Y'all? Welcome back to another
episode of Hot Happy Mess. I am your host, Zuri Hall,
(00:29):
and in today's episode, it is just between you and Okay,
it's a you and me thing. That's right. This is
my second solo episode ever. The first one didn't traumatize
me enough, didn't scare me enough. I wasn't so afraid
(00:50):
to be alone with you guys that I said I
wasn't gonna ever do it again. I'm kidding no that
the first solo episode that I ever did self Love
is Sexy as Big was a really fun one for
me to make, and you all really responded to it well.
And now it's time for us to just kind of
go one on one a little bit again. We are
going to shoot this. We're gonna talk love and relationships.
(01:14):
I'm gonna answer some hashtag ask three questions. I'm super
excited because this is a segment that we touched on,
kind of hinted at in an earlier episode, and we're
about to just dive right in. And I want more
opportunities to talk with you and answer questions that you
might have and give you advice that I would very
(01:37):
much appreciate you not holding me legally responsible for um.
I don't know if that's too much to ask, but
I'm definitely gonna ask anyway. Also the launch of our
top Secret super exclusive group just for the Hot Happy
Mess crew, so you gotta stay tuned if you want
(01:58):
to get down with the squad. And another giveaway announcement
because we love giveaways, and we're also going to reveal
who won the giveaway of our blanket. I'm sorry if
I butchered it, but I tried and I feel, like
I said, with conviction, We're gonna announce you one that
luxury blanket. It's one of my favorite brands and I
(02:21):
have two of those blankets, so we're giving them away. Okay,
but before we get into that, I want to just
remind you really quickly, we need and love and appreciate reviews.
They seriously help so much more than I realized when
I first started it, started the podcast, but it's it's important.
It helps us with you know, analytics, that helps us
(02:41):
with exposure, It helps us with getting seen, It tells
you know, I heartened the other pose that be in
the Wizard of Oz wherever they are. Um, it tells
them that y'all are listening and loving the show. Uh
So let's tell them that you're listening and loving, shall we?
If you can just leave a review, it would be
so appreciate it, and it was a five star review,
(03:02):
be even more appreciated. Um. And you can check out
our instagram if you need a step by step tutorial
on how to leave a review, assuming you have Apple
Podcasts at the very least, I think Spotify can't Uh
Happy Mess on Instagram. Okay, so you'll know that I
love relationships and dating and and the psychology of love
that is the middle of this this latest series that
(03:24):
we're in. It's one of my favorite topics. I am
fascinated by the psychology behind our minds and our quote
unquote hearts in that sense. Um And if you've missed
an episode of this love and relationship series, you can
go to Hot Happy Mess dot com listen check out
the show notes catch up. Okay, so I promise y'all
that we had a super cool, exclusive new sexy group
(03:48):
just for the Hot Happy Mess gang. This you know,
What I love most about this community we're building is
it's not just a podcast, it's a lifestyle. It's a movement. Um,
it is a true community. And it's been so awesome
to start to see you all share your stories, uh,
not just with one another, but also with me, um
sharing your stories on the actual show. You know, we
(04:10):
have some really cool real woman stories coming up. So
I want you to go on over to our new
Facebook group, our secret Sexy Facebook group, and you can
join us. Every week we're gonna be dishing on the
latest podcast episodes. I'm gonna be hopping in there answering
your questions. You can ask me anything. I want to
see your feedback on the on the recent episodes, what
(04:30):
you want to hear more of. And then also outside
of the episodes, you're just gonna be over there talking
and kicking it and having fun and building community and
shotting about daily life hacks and your favorite TV shows. Uh.
What can we expect for season to a bridge retain
Because yes, I am one of the hive and um,
you know, just talking no topics off limits. Okay, you
(04:52):
get to meet the ladies of the group chat and
myself in real life. Well, technically as much as you
can meet us virtually, but we will be engaged in
talking with y'all. It's kind of like a long distance brunch,
you feel me like, just pour your home emost on.
I don't know if you if you're doing the bottomless situation, like,
I don't know what the budget is looking like, I
(05:12):
don't know if you're doing the extra glock. Just bring
a drink and a snack and pull up a chair
so that we can hang virtually and you never know.
We also are going to have exclusive giveaways that are
open only to our exclusive Facebook group. The key word
here is exclusive. Haven't told you how exclusive it is?
Are you sick of me yet? Don't answer that, just
(05:36):
I'm sorry. We're gonna switch gears right now. Okay, but
before we dive in, just remember that you can send
in your questions for a career, life romance, the petty
of it all, just all the petty, or if you
just have a really wild story or confession you want
to share. Okay, so just drop us a line hello
at hot happy mess dot com, or eventually you can
(06:00):
leave us a voice note because we're working on hashtag tech.
Stay tuned in the meantime, it is time four accessory.
First up, Bria says, Hi Zuri, my name is Bria,
and I absolutely love your podcast. I found it randomly
early in December by looking for podcasts to listen to
on my forty five minute commute to work. I turned
(06:22):
twenty eight in December and I just feel like I'm
not where I would like to be in life. Do
you have any advice or maybe you can talk about
it on an episode about not feeling accomplished the older
we get, especially as women, I feel like there is
a ticking time bomb on expectations like marriage, children, careers,
and such. I would really love to hear from you.
(06:43):
Thank you and the ladies on your show for creating
such relatable, entertaining content. With a little hard emoji. Oh, Bria,
thank you so much. I'm so glad you're loving the podcast. Um,
I'm so glad you asked this question really quickly. I'll
I just want you to know, honest to God, I
promise you I'm not making this up. These are the
first times I'm seeing these questions. As I read them,
I haven't even scrolled down to the next one. So also,
(07:05):
if it sucks and sorry, it's just coming from my head,
in my heart, in the moment. Um. But Bria, back
to your question. Um, First of all, twenty eight is
to me like you're just getting started girl, it is
the prime of your life. I will say, I understand
what you feel, um about not feeling like you are
(07:26):
where you need to be. And you know, I've said
that sometimes to people and they'll say, oh, well, what
do you mean you're doing this? Or your job is
this or you just flew here um, And in that space, yeah,
there's there's a lot that I have accomplished and that
I love. There's certainly way more than I still want
to do. UM. But it's not just about career, right.
I've talked about different pillars of life and how we
(07:46):
have to equally raise up and build each of those
pillars family, friends, hobbies, um, physical activity, career. Otherwise, when
one pillar shakes, we're kind of screwed. And so I
want you to know that I understand in different ways Bria,
you're talking about not feeling accomplished. UM. I don't know
(08:07):
if you mean necessarily in career or in professional spaces,
but you're right. With women, there are so many ticking
time bombs, and it's such just like patriarchal bs. Honestly,
particularly when it comes to the marriage, children, and careers.
I feel the same girl, I feel the same now,
Like I am thirty two right now, I will be
(08:30):
turning thirty three later this year. Shout out to my
gym and eyes. And at the time of this recording,
I am in a great relationship with a man that
I love very much, but I'm not engaged. I'm obviously
not married. I don't have kids. You know, I really
dedicated the first ten years of my young adulthood to
(08:54):
grinding and to work. And you know, one day I
looked up and this is the last few years, and
suddenly I was starting to hear the whisper for for
things in other departments, where in my twenties I didn't
really feel that the need, the urge that like it
was like, yeah, that'd be cool. And one day I
want to do all the things. I want to get married,
I want to have kids. I love kids, but I wasn't, like,
(09:14):
you know, overly thinking about it. And then one day
you look up and it's like all your friends are
getting married or doing this thing. And I never felt
the pressure because I was always a person who was like,
what's for me is for me. But I understand even
though for me, I would see friends getting married or
having kids, and I would be happy for them and
be like, oh my gosh, that's awesome, but I would
(09:36):
also be like, I am not ready for that. Now.
I'm excited and I'm ready for that stuff once the
time is right, and I'm not forcing it, but it
can be really hard when the people around you um
have expectations right. What I hope you will remember is
that when it comes to not feeling accomplished, you really
(09:56):
I would encourage you to check in with your core
or values. What gives you a sense of accomplishment even
in the day, Like if I run, or hell, if
I just put on some leggings and my heart rate
goes up even slightly for more than fifteen minutes, that
gives me a sense of accomplishment. Because I hate working out,
(10:17):
and I've learned that it is important to carve out
small moments and small opportunities to feel accomplishment. We can't
always be constantly looking for the next big, bright, obvious
Instagram announcement of accomplishment because there's so much life lived
(10:38):
in the middle of those moments, and it would be
a shame to waste it. So it's like, what can
I do, what lights me up, what excites me? What
when I'm done doing it? Am I proud of um?
Whether it's reading a new book and actually finishing it,
y'all know that's accomplishment for me because I stayed reading
half a book. Like I said, getting a little bit
of cardio, small personal manageable winds. That is something that
(11:01):
is so important, and particularly for millennials. You know, I
was reading in an article recently, as a matter of fact,
hold on, I want to pull it up. You know,
recent trend reports in the last few years, I have
talked about the fact that people are craving manageable small winds.
You know. It's it's just one of those things where
(11:23):
we get so caught up being told by the world
right that we have to chase our best life, best life,
best life. And I am all about the best life,
because Lord knows, I'm out here chasing mine. But I
think the more important thing is redefining what best means
is best what society tells you it should be. Maria,
is it? You know, certain career accomplishment, otherwise it's not
(11:46):
deemed worthy of applause. That might be true externally, but
really I would encourage you to sit down with yourself
the same way I had to sit down with myself
and say what makes me proud? What am I happy
that I've accomplished or done even if nobody else cares
or is impressed by it? And while I do do
a lot that is, you know, achievement that outwardly gets
(12:10):
acclaim or accomplishment or acknowledgement. A lot of the work
that I do that I feel most accomplished by is
the self work, which has now manifested in hot happy mess.
But I was really proud of myself that the weeks
or the months that I had committed to therapy when
I finished that self help book and actually had some
takeaways uh similar to like attached which I brought up
(12:31):
in a recent episode about attachment theory um finishing that
book and realizing, Wow, I poured into myself. I gave
myself something. Who cares if nobody else knows that I
ever did this? Who cares if this isn't the promotion
at work that I'm gunning for or the side hustle
that I wanted to launche. These were small things that
still gave me a sense of accomplishment. So I would
(12:52):
encourage that first of all. And then when it comes to,
you know, the topic of marriage, children, et cetera. One thing,
take comfort, okay, because I'm taking comfort in it. And
the fact that things take longer then people realize and
you have more time, God willing. Then we sometimes feel
(13:14):
like in our twenties. In my twenties, I felt like
that was it. If it didn't happen, then it wasn't
gonna happen. If it didn't happen, then it wasn't worth happening.
I wanted to be great in my twenties and doing
this and this and that. And the truth is I
didn't even really step into my own power and who
I fully Zuri Hall was until my late twenties. It
was around twenty eight, you know, I was in a
relationship that I ended. Gosh, my numbers and math are
(13:38):
so bad, all um. I was around your age. I
think it was twenty nine, and then I was suddenly
single for the first time in a long time. And
I'll be honest, I had that moment of should I
freeze my eggs. Like I'm newly single, I'm not stressed
about that. I was, honestly, I was really excited to
be single and just be out and mixing and mingling. Um,
(14:00):
but I was nervous and a little bit, you know,
in my head about the technicality of it all, the
biology of it all. I don't mind being out having fun,
dating and stuff. I enjoy that process. But that doesn't
mean that these ovaries are gonna just be out in
these streets with us forever, pretending like we don't have
(14:21):
a literal biological clock, which is a bummer for us ladies. Um.
But I had those concerns too, and I thought about
freezing my eggs at that time, and I did not,
but I felt that pressure, and then I decided, you know,
what is for me is for me. I will seriously
(14:41):
consider this whole egg freezing thing in a year if
I'm still completely single and just really want to start
to prepare other options for myself. Um. But in the meantime,
I'm going to fully immerse myself in the exact moment
I am in and just see what that brings me.
(15:02):
So instead of overly harping on what I didn't have,
which to be honest, I didn't want at the time,
which was, you know, a long term relationship, now a partner,
a husband, uh, baby daddy because I'm having kids. Um.
Instead of being worried about not having that, I fully
immersed myself and I am single. The world is mine.
(15:24):
Whatever I want, wherever I want to go, whoever I
want to be with, I can, and I welcomed each
day with a sense of excitement and wonder. I was
reading The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhymes and truly
literally saying yes two things that I otherwise wouldn't y'all.
I ended up at Burning Man with a great group
of people, but that I had really just met, probably
(15:46):
a few months before that at the time of my life.
I laughed, I cried. I grew what felt like a
year in three days on the ground and black Rock
City camping. But those moments and memories were because I said, yeah,
us to the moment in the chapter I was in,
even if it wasn't the chapter I thought i'd be in.
I was one of many who thought, you know, when
(16:07):
I was in high school and in college, oh yeah,
I'll probably I'll wait to get married, you know, I'll
be engaged by probably like twenty five. I'm gonna take
my time L O L, and you know, married by
twenty six, probably pop out my first kid. I'm thinking
twenty seven, and I really just want to knock out
two to four kind of back to back to back,
so that I can snap back by thirty five. So
(16:28):
I'm thinking knock out most of the kids by thirty
maybe thirty two at the very latest. Y'all. I'm thirty
two now. I ain't got no baby, ain't got no
no family, ain't got no miles defeat except my own,
and I love it for now. Um ain't got no dependence.
(16:51):
And in my original plan for my personal life, I
was supposed to have checked all those boxes by now.
I'm only just now entering that phase in that chapter
where I'm about to start checking those boxes, and it's exciting,
and I'm so glad I waited now because I'm looking
up in my early thirties and realizing, Wow, if I
had made lifetime commitments and choices earlier in my you know, twenties,
(17:17):
not to not anyone who did, but for me in
my life, if I had made choices based on who
I was, then I wouldn't be able to make the
choices that I'm making now, more fully informed, slightly more
emotionally mature, UM, more humble and open to the universe
and God and what he has for me as opposed
to what I wanted or thought would be. And so
(17:39):
I'm really excited because the blessing in disguise was It's
all been worth the way, and I see now what
I waited for. So I would just encourage you to
not be discouraged. Trust the process, Trust the timing of
your life UM, as cliche or frustrating as that can
be to hear sometimes, and know that you're not alone
(18:00):
O that UM other people are going through. That's saying
what the heck am I doing that you are going through?
I go through that on any given day, I promise you,
at least once every few months, I have a what
the hell am I doing? A moment? What is it
all for? Do I need to start over again? So
know that there's one quote that I love so much
(18:22):
and I've seen floating around on Instagram and Twitter, and
it says no, but seriously, normalize finding love in your forties.
Normalize discovering and chasing new dreams in your thirties normalized
finding yourself and your purpose in your fifties. Life doesn't
end at Let's stop acting like it does. And if
(18:42):
that is not a word, then I don't know what
it is. Okay, trust it, trust the process, and enjoy
where you are and keep listening to how happy mess
you know we can find the magic in the middle
of those messages. Just be present in the meantime. I
hope that helps a little bit more than anything. I'm
just trying to offer comfort and reassurance that you are
not alone in that and you have so much life
(19:04):
left to live. Okay, be gentle with yourself, be kind
with yourself. I'm sending you so much loves all right, Sarah.
Sarah says Hi Zurie, I love the podcast and can't
wait to keep following your journey. My question, I often
hear people say be friends with people who inspire you,
be in the room with people who you look up to,
(19:25):
or if you're the smartest person in the room, you're
in the wrong room. So I guess I want to
know how to get in these rooms. How do you
find friend groups that inspire you? Can't wait to hear
your answers. Oh that's a really great question. Wow. Let
me think for a second to that. The first thing
I would say, you know, I'll talk a little bit
(19:46):
about maybe how to get in the rooms, which right
now is more like how to get in the zoom
chat or the video call, because we're not really uh
mix it in mingling in person as much. But when
it comes to friend groups that inspire me, that is
really important for me. And as you have seen, you know,
I've shared some of my best friends with you all,
some of my really close friends via the group chat,
(20:09):
and you've gotten to know those amazing, beautiful women in
my life. And it's really important. And what's really interesting
to note with the group chat, UM, and particularly my
closest best friends, some of whom are on the show
and some of whom are not, UM, is that the
truest and closest friends in my life have all been
in my life for ten years plus. And I'm gonna
(20:31):
advocate for new friends and old friends. So I'm not
a no new friends person, not really. UM. I believe
that you have to earn trust with with friendships and
things like that. UM. But I'm one of those people
who is very much about that day one life, like
the people who have been rocking with me, I want
to continue to rock with me, and vice versa, Like
my loyalty will always be unwavering to the people who
(20:52):
have held me down, and I've held them down since
before anybody else was messing with any of us or
impressed by anything that we had going on. You know,
I'm thinking of my friends. Yeah, Like my five best
friends are all tim plus years at this time, which
is something I'm really grateful for when it comes to
(21:13):
finding friend groups, like that technology is your friend. Like
I used to think it was kind of weird and
I didn't especially on Instagram, Like I didn't understand genuinely,
like girls would like hurt my my photos are like
common understuff, and I be like, oh, that's so nice
or that's so sweet, and then I would like like
their comments and kind of keep it moving or something.
And it was only in hindsight once I realized, like, oh,
(21:34):
people are really out here on Instagram using these platforms
to connect and network. I just gotta like throw my
photos up and went on about my day, looked at
nice photos, double tapped them, and went about my day.
Um So I was kind of late to the party
to the realization of people are connecting on Instagram, and
not just in the romantic slide, in the d m
S way, but also in the women supporting women way.
(21:57):
It's been really cool on Instagram as I've connected with
other not just TV hosts, but like minded women, whether
it's you know, our our social perspective or our nonprofit
and charitable work, or the fact you know that we're
women of color in television. But it's been really great
to connect and build, you know, friendly digital relationships in
(22:21):
that way. So I would encourage you to take the
opportunity to use Twitter and Instagram these social platforms not
just to follow people you might know um or you
know hashtag goals, but also people who are kind of
climbing up with you, who are around you. I did
a fireside chat with Leslie Odom Jr. Just the other day,
(22:43):
and he said something really interesting to me, um that
apparently he said Sa Ray had told him I think
or had said to someone and he'd heard it, which
was the advice of you know, people are always trying
to manage up or look up, like, how who can
I connect with that's gonna help me get to where
I'm trying to go who's above me already? And she
(23:05):
was basically saying, look around. These are the people who
will come up in the industry with you. These are
the people who will come up in organizations with you. So, UM,
reach out instead of up, so you know, stumble into
using those hashtags, connecting with women and men who are
like minded. UM. And even if it's a digital friendship
and a digital space, that's still space too to be inspired.
(23:28):
So I would encourage you to do that. UM, when
it comes to getting in the room. If you're talking
about professionally, I highly recommend linked Daniell. People sleep on LinkedIn.
I got on there the other day and I was like, wait,
when did it become so lit? And why didn't I
get the invitation? People are just on their posting status
is and they got photo updates and Carolsels. I'm just like,
when did all of this happen? I was, I did
not get the software update. Thanks, but I'm loving it.
(23:50):
So I'm actually, I mean I engage on LinkedIn every
now and then now and UM, it's a good way
to get connected. And you don't have to again, just
have it be someone who and hire you. UM, you
can meet colleagues, you can meet people with similar interests
UM and bond over groups. They have different professional organizations
with groups so that you can chat about UM your
(24:12):
industry not just on LinkedIn, but on Facebook with those
different groups. And then also Hot Happy Mess they we've
got the exclusive secret Facebook group, So go join that
Hot Happy Mess and connect with the rest of the
gang and hopefully friendships spring from that too. We've also
got an upcoming episode called Girlfriends Guide to Breakups where
(24:32):
we're gonna talk about, you know, friendship breakups, how to
build strong friendships, and also in the future we're going
to dive into women friendships and how how we make
those friends. So obviously stick around for more episodes of
How Happy Mess coming soon. Um. But it's it's hard sometimes,
Like I've been in l A for six years now,
at least almost seven, and it was really tough to
(24:55):
build friendships because you don't always trust people's motives and um,
it's a city of social climbers. I will speak straight up,
and I am from Ohio and like I said, I've
had the same friends for an eternity at this point,
and I appreciate new friends, but I think over the
first few years of being in l A and starting
and going into friendships with an open heart and then realizing,
(25:18):
oh they were there for this, or oh once they
realized there was nothing to be gained, there was no
interest left in you know, sustaining or building true friendship.
So I kind of got cool on that. But I've
been blessed to find my core, like tight knit group
of girls out here. But that's like years and years
to cultivate. And it's the same as dating, right. You know,
(25:39):
I had to go out with a whole lot of
guys to realize which guys I liked and which guys
I didn't, and then to finally decide and choose one.
But it was because I went through all of those
other experiences. So you're gonna have to go through testing
out friendships, getting to know people, and then risking being
heard or being led down because that's what vulnerabilit he is.
(26:00):
But that's also how intimacy is built, and not just
in a romantic way. Um. And then also try bumble bff.
I actually did the app years ago, UM, when I
was first in l A and trying to make new friends,
and I actually went on a little a date a
friend date with a girl that I matched with on
bumble BFF and we got drinks hung out. She was
super sweet. We never hung out again, but she was
(26:21):
nice and she thought I was nice and we meant
to and then we just got away from us. We
never did, but that could be a cool way for
for you to connect also, So happy connecting, and don't
forget to join our secret Facebook group. Al right, next up,
money Listen, I'm gonna need y'all in my life today
and forever. I want a support team like no other,
(26:41):
and I'm willing to relocate with my two sons. Learning
who I really am and trying to make sure all
three of us is happy and healthy is all that
matters at this point, and I'm willing to risk it
all to find it. What are your views on relocating
to a place where you know no one and no
support where you're trying to move to. Wow, that's a
big one. Well. I love that you are just so
(27:03):
down for whatever it is to create the best life
for you and your two boys. Um, honestly, I'm a
big advocate for relocating to a place where no one
knows me and you know I can support what I'm
trying to do or where I'm trying to go, because
that's all I ever did. In mind. When that was out,
I would drop a mic so fast and be like, y'all,
don't gotta understand, y'all would get it in in in retrospect,
(27:25):
it is important to have a circle or a support team,
I'd say, just to keep updated and kind of talk
you through the emotional aspect of such a big move.
You know, when I first left Ohio after I graduated,
I bounced around. So I was in Indiana, so the
first move was just next door. Then I went back
to Dayton, Ohio, or went to Dayton, I'm from Toledo.
(27:46):
And then I moved the biggest move I'd ever made.
And I was twenty four, and I got offered a
job to co anchor the evening news in Dallas, Texas,
and I was afraid, Like that was the first move
that didn't just excite me, it kind of gave me
a weird gut flip. Um. I felt good about it,
and I knew it was what I needed for myself
(28:07):
for that next step on the on the resume. But
that was Texas is its own little country, y'all, and
and it is so far away from Ohio, and it
was nothing I'd ever known. I'd never spent time there
in that way, but I took the leap of faith
and I booked a one way flight to Dallas. I
started fresh. I knew absolutely no one. One tip I
(28:28):
have is you'd be surprised, particularly with Facebook et cetera,
just how easy it is to connect with acquaintances or
people who just have a few degrees of separation from you,
and be like, drop a location, put a type of
location in Facebook, and use technology to your advantage in
that way, find support groups or local communities on the
(28:49):
ground in the city where you're moving, and just dive
in there. I had a few friends. Everyone knew I
was moving to Dallas, so I was like, hey, y'all,
semi recommendations. If y'all have friends, are good people, you know,
I don't care if I've never met them, Give me
their numbers, and you know, I'll try to start putting
out fuelers to build new friendships. Um So that helped,
and through you know, a friend of a friend of
(29:10):
a friend met a couple of really great girls down
there in Dallas who I still keep in touch with
to this day. And um really dove into work. I
was moving there for a job, met one of my
best friends still to this day. There he and I
were co anchoring together, and that's a friendship that now
has has gone ten years. And all of that springs
(29:31):
from starting over and starting fresh. And then as much
as I love Dallas, I was there for only ten months.
My goal was national by and I got that job
offer in New York. So I packed up and I left.
And it was a weird feeling because I loved my
time in Dallas, but I just knew what my end
goal was. And so even when my family back home
(29:51):
in Ohio or acquaintances would be like, are you sure
you don't want to just stay in Dallas? Is going
so well and this could be next for you there
and then this, it's like, I just trust my gut
and my heart, and I knew people would get it
on the back end, and so that was it. So
even if no one you feel like it's supporting you,
if you know you got you, which it sounds like,
you know that that's all you need. Honestly, I truly
(30:14):
believe that. You know, obviously, we've all been living through
a pandemic at this point, which has strengthened a lot
of our long distance relationships, whether it's with family, platonic friends. Um,
we're being reminded that we can lean on people virtually
and via technology, so it's it's not quite as important
if the people aren't on the ground with you in
(30:34):
that city anymore. And then yeah, like I said, utilize
social media, Facebook groups, joint how happy mass See. We
got some people in the city you trying to pack
up for But I would encourage you to do it
if if it's on your heart to do and it
feels right to you, you can always begin again. A
matter of fact, y'all know, I love a quote, So
here we go, and I like this because it is
(30:56):
so applicable at any age, but particularly as we get older.
You know, I've had moments where I'm like, I'm too
old now to start over or do this now or
pivot in this way, and I've stopped doing that. As
long as I'm alive, there is an opportunity to pivot,
to evolve, to be a different Zuri than I was yesterday.
And it's the same for you. You every day that
(31:17):
you wake up, you have this amazing opportunity to be
whoever you want to be, and to decide to no
longer be whoever you no longer want to be. As
woo as that is, it truly is as simple as
waking up and deciding deciding to be a different thing,
to think a different way, to interact with the people
around you differently than you did the day before. The
(31:39):
quote that I'm talking about is by f Scott Fitzgerald,
and he says, for what it's worth. Oh, I did
read this actually a few episodes ago. Um, maybe the
one about is it time to pivot? But it goes
for what it's worth. It's never too late or in
my case, too early, to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can
(32:01):
change or stay the same. There are no rules to
this thing. We can make the best or the worst
of it. I hope you make the best of it.
I hope you see things that startle you. I hope
you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you
meet people who have a different point of view. I
hope you live a life you're proud of, and if
you're not, I hope you have the courage to start
(32:22):
over again. Monet it sounds like you have the courage.
So if you decide to start over again, I wish
you all the best, all the luck and love in
the world. Go and do the move, girl, higher movers.
That's my one recommendation, because all the times I didn't,
I mostly just ended up in tears sobbing over boxes
(32:43):
for the first two weeks. Next up, Casey, maybe Cassie.
I think Casey with a ka. Hi, Zuri, I need
your help. I'm so fucking pissed. Damn oh coming out swinging.
What's going on? I just found out my boyfriend has
cheated on me multiple times. I admit I had a feeling,
so I checked his phone and saw so much ass ditties.
(33:03):
I'm petty, so I want to do something drastic to
get pay back. Hey, especially because he don't know I know.
So should I be the bigger person or can I
activate my inner angela? By the way, we live together,
and I should get into war for how I'm smiling
through the pain. This really sucks, siss First of all,
let me tell you I understand. Just know that I understand.
(33:26):
I feel your pain. I feel you. Okay, you have
every right to be piste, every right to be upset.
Also screwed this idiot, not literally in the most figurative
sense of the word, for being dumb enough to step
out on you, let alone more than once. I respect
the FBI game. Um, here's the thing, Bravo. I'm gonna
(33:53):
give you the golden globe. I'm gonna give you the
oscar for smiling through the pain because I know how
hard it is to try to put on a brave
face when you are breaking inside, because I have certainly
had to do that. A part of me, Look, I'm
a Gemini. A part of me says, activate the inner angie.
You feel me, get your best that on, light the
car up, and don't look back. However, what we don't
(34:15):
want is for you, my good sister, to catch a
case over this fool. So what we can't do. What
we can't do is end up behind bars because he
was the one doing dumb ship in the first place. Um,
because you, he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve
the repercussions of anything that he might. You know, counteract,
(34:36):
he might see your petty and raise you a petty.
You feel me, and then actually, I don't know your relationship.
You're dynamic. Are you all the type to like call
the police and then hang up and be like, never mind,
I don't know. So hopefully it's it's something that's not
crazy crazy like that, like that's really intends And in
all seriousness, if at any point you don't feel saved
(34:57):
or you feel like it's it's a problem, by all means,
walk away from the relationship, don't even engage, don't even
try to prove a point, just get the hell out
of there. But it sounds like he's just being a douchebag,
Like a typical douchebag who's cheating. I'm not mad at
a little payback. What are we thinking, Casey or Cassie? Oh,
(35:18):
because girl, I'm petty too. Okay, let's think through this.
What can we do? Oh my god, I want to
confess something that I did that was so petty once.
Oh god, I want to confess it. But I don't
know if I should confess it. Okay, this is what
I was saying. I don't know if I'm ready to
confess my petty moment, but I will say this, I
(35:40):
have had petty and what I did in the moment
when I was trying to decide if I should be
petty with the payback because I had found out that
I was being lied to in a very significant way
and being disrespected in a very significant way. Um. I
one thing that I did before I did one thing
(36:01):
that I did, I called my best friend. I called
one of my day ones. Okay, Ashley, I'll know her
from the group chat, Ashley, you know exactly what I'm
talking about. And I called her before I was going
to do it. So basically, what I'm recommending is that
you reach out to a best friend who not just
knows you, but also knows your dude and his likelihood
of petty retaliation. You know, like, you just need someone
(36:22):
you trust and love to help you play this through.
So for me, that person was actually so I hopped
on the phone and I was like girl. She was
like girl. I was like girl. She was like girl.
I was like girl. So then I was like, Okay,
we're doing this, and she was like, after everything that
you have been through, after what you put up with,
after what you found out, hell, yeah, do it. And
(36:44):
I was like okay, because I want to do it now,
but I just don't want tell me if I'm tripping,
talk me off this ledge, if I'll regret this, talk
me off this ledge, if I'm bigger than this, if
I'm better. But I tried to be bigger or better
right now, and she was like, nah, I wasn't bigger
and better for another day. And you gotta get that
from someone you trust, because someone you don't trust will
just be out here setting you up for failure, telling
(37:05):
you anything and Loki probably hoping that you fall on
your face or that it comes to bite you in
the butt. So you can't trust everybody. Okay, this has
to be someone in your circle of trust. But I
know she has my back, she knows I have hers.
We just riding this thing until the wheels fall off together,
this thing called life. And so when she said, na,
you deserve that moment of Petty, I did it. I'm
not gonna tell you what I did, but I did
(37:26):
it so I would say, and oh it felt good.
Oh it felt good, girl, I'm so just talking out
with the bestie. It felt so good. And let me
tell you, to this day, one of the best decisions
I ever made in regards to that situation. I think
about it, and I think about how I almost didn't
choose Petty and I just think God, even though he
(37:48):
is up there and shaking his head, I know, but
it was small. It wasn't anything that caused any harm
or anything like bad bad like that. But it was
a nice little figurative twist of the knife, and it
was the least of what should have been sent his way.
So that's what I'll say about that. I don't regret it.
I'm glad I did it. Sometimes I think about it
and I just get glad all over again in a
(38:10):
small smile cracks on my face. So just let me
keep it real with you. You might feel that on
the other side, okay, um, But in all seriousness, I
am sorry that it sucks and that should going through
this pain because I've I've felt that before and it's hard.
But know that you will come out on the other side,
and as painful as it might be right now, it
(38:31):
won't last forever. And the sooner you can cut the
dead weight, the sooner that you let go of this
guy and his toxicity and his lies, you free yourself
up for all the good things to come your way.
To shift your energy to love and pour into yourself,
focus on yourself, and then that energy goes out there
(38:51):
and then when you're ready. Oh lord y'all, this is
how y'all know. I live by that, Oprah if she
gave me because you said this almost word for word
to me, if you years ago. Um, but when you're ready,
like I am, I'm living proof of that, that person
will show up. And in the meantime, enjoy being single. Girl.
You have clearly gone through it and you deserve to
(39:12):
just go be great, treat yourself, indulged, love on yourself,
and that'll help you not just smile through the pain,
but truly get through it. And I'm sending you love.
I'm thinking of you. I know that's tough, but you'll
bounce back, no doubt. All Right, Tiffany, this is the
(39:32):
last one, Tiffany says, Hey, Zuri. In September, I bought
my first house and my partner moved in around November
to save money their lease was up and because our
long term plan is marriage. But it's been a few
months and I'm going crazy. This is my second time
living with a significant other. The first time we were
roommates that started dating and it was okay but not
the greatest. Also, it was straight out of college, so
(39:55):
different expectations. But now I'm a bit more seasoned and
I like things a certain way, and my part or
is driving me insane. My biggest complaint is the laundry.
I'm not sure how, but although we're in a pandemic
and are hardly going places, we're doing so much laundry.
I mean, I'm doing so much laundry. Actually, I feel
like I'm doing the bulk of the housework and my
(40:16):
partner is just coasting by on their good looks. They
do stuff like take out the trash and fill the dishwasher,
but it's like I'm living with a teenager. I'm at
my wits end. Clothes going the hamper, put the cat
back on the toothpaste, fold the laundry and put it away.
Not just yourself, Zuri girl, help me. I don't know
if I'm making sense, but I'm gonna lose my ship, Tiffany,
I can fill it from mouth away. You are on
(40:38):
edge about this, and I understand that I would be
too if I was annoyed. Okay, So I'm gonna keep
it all the way real with y'all. As I always do.
Remember the whole hot, happy mess of it. All the
mess is in there for a reason I am the
mess guys, So I literally, Tiffany, I am speaking to
you as allegedly if you let my boyfriend Shawn sell it.
(40:59):
But I really don't think it's this way, um, But honestly, no,
it's not what I think about it. He is just as,
he's not just as, but he can be kind of messy,
like who like leave stuff around a little bit, But
I definitely do it way more and I just have
a bunch of crap, like I think I'm low kia
horder and with me, I will say this, if your
(41:26):
partner is someone who can just live with all the
chaos or just like things piling up in corners, then
they can live with it. And if you just sit
there and you're being passive, aggressive or just hoping one
day they'll realize it. Girl' wouna tell you right now
they won't. They won't because I won't. I'll just keep
(41:47):
on moving. I'll look at that whole little pile of
clothes and be like, well that's there. So one I
would recommend, I don't know, um, you know, if you
guys have versed the conversation, but if you haven't broke
the conversation, you should just bring it up straight up
because the passive aggressiveness, they probably won't catch on too.
(42:09):
If anything, it'll annoy them. And the script For me,
it's like if if you're you're coming to me, I
would love to hear, Hey, look like, I'm excited about
us having moved in together. I know that marriage is
something down the road, and we're we're kind of planning
for our future, so you know, I just kind of
want to talk about the ground rules, right Like, I
(42:30):
think it would be great if we could lay a
foundation for what we want our home life together to be, Like,
what are the expectations around um, you know, domestic we're
cleaning up this and that. I think it would be
really great if we could work out a system to
kind of evenly divide the labor. What do you think
about that? How do you feel about that? It would
(42:53):
be awesome if you could help me out by doing
this a little more often. Or the last time you
did that, I really a pre created it. This is
how much it helps me. It'd be so great if
if like we can get into a rhythm like that.
If your partner is coasting on their good looks, it
sounds like, well then girl, you gonna have to not
let them coast on the good looks. Don't look in
their eyes when you tell them to do the laundry. Um,
(43:16):
but I think you should sit down and have a
serious but loving conversation, and it doesn't have to be antagonistic.
Try your best to calm down and be chill beforehand
and come from a place of love and appreciation for
what your partner does. Do you know, bring up the
fact they're taking out the trash, even if that's the
only damn thing they're doing, so you appreciate it and
(43:39):
would really love to see a little more of this
or this, you know. So hopefully just telling your partner
that straight up will help. But you gotta do it
because if y'all are talking about marriage, it's only gonna
get worse. You're only gonna get more comfortable with one another,
and you're only gonna get driven more crazy. So God's
(43:59):
be to you. I'm sorry that you're living with me,
like I've gotten better, and also I'm just for me.
It's more like an organized chaos, Like I just have
stacks of books and papers everywhere, and I do let
like even my clean coat clothes, just like pole up
for the longest. I'll get to folding them sometimes. But
I don't know what your budgets looking like. But you
could also, you know, maybe talk to your partner about
(44:23):
going have these on, um like a house cleaning service,
even if it's not every week, maybe just every other
week or once a month, and so that person or
those people can come in. You could do an app
like handy I've used before. This is not sponsored. I've
just really used them, molly Maids, et cetera. And uh,
they can come in and do one big deep clean
(44:44):
once a month or you know, once every two weeks,
do the laundry or whatever it is. And then if
your partner isn't willing to cough it up physically because
they're being lazy or they just don't like doing that stuff,
maybe they're willing to to cough it up and compensate financially,
which is more my perspective. I'm like, I'd rather pay
for it and get it done and then i don't
have to hear you yelling at me. You're being mad
(45:05):
at me about this, then we have to do it.
I'd rather my pocket hurt and then my back while
I'm bending over the scene trying to do these dishes.
Good luck to you though. All right, that's it for
this round of ass Hopefully it helps a little bit.
Make sure you guys send your submissions. If you have
anything that you liked me to give advice on email
(45:27):
us hello at Hot Happy mess dot com, slide in
our d ms on Instagram at Hot Happy Mess, and
or make sure you go hang with us UM on
the new super exclusive Hot Happy Mess Facebook page. We've
got the group going over there, so join the conversation.
And I'm excited to announce the winner of our giveaway
(45:48):
for the luxury fringe Brandsmi meg Uncin. That's M E
G O n K E n A k A the
Midwest Millennial. So congratulations, You're going to get that luxurious
blanket Cruelty Free, so gorgeous, one of my favorites. UM,
such an awesome French lux brand, So congratulations. And keeping
(46:10):
with the theme of luxury, you know, we just wrapped
up Black History Month, but black history is being made
all day, every day, every month. Uh. And as we
wrap up Black History Month and the month of Love
we want to partner with. We are partnering with a really,
really sexy, super dope lingerie company called love Vera. Their
(46:32):
instagram is at shop love Vera v r A. And
we're giving one of our listeners a one hundred dollar
gift card. Okay, it's not too late to enter the giveaway,
um depending on when you're listening to this. It closes Friday,
March twelve at fifty nine Eastern, So just head on
over to our Instagram account and you can win a
(46:52):
one hundred dollar gift card to love Vera. It's a
black owned lingerie brand that is inclusive for all sizes
and all skin tones, and love Vera is approved by
none other than Queen be herself, you hear me. And
the brand has been featured in Vogue recently. And I
just they have really sexy laces and lingerie of all
(47:15):
different flesh tones. And I love flesh toned lingerie, not
just obviously because it hides well under certain fabrics, but
then I love like a sheer blouse moment with a
collar and buttons, and so I kind of like when
I get like a flesh tone broad that kind of
peeks out a little bit underneath. So go over there
and get you a hundred dollar get card. Maybe just
gott to enter the giveaway Okay Instagram at Hot Happy Mess.
(47:36):
Go check out the post with a lingerie that says
giveaway and enter Happy Okay. That is it for this
episode of Hot Happy Mess. Make sure you join our
exclusive new group on Facebook. I can't wait to meet
more of you guys and have tons of fun over there.
Keep these conversations going. Last week I chatted with Mina Harris.
She is the CEO and creator a phenomenal and of
(47:58):
course she is the niece of our Madam Vice President,
Kamala Harris, who of course is the United States first
female Vice president, first African American, and first Asian American
vice president, and the highest ranking female official in US history.
Thank you very much. Mina is talking all about ambition,
what it means and the Harris household her new book
(48:21):
to help encourage ambitious girls in a new generation of
ambitious young women. So that's a really great combo. And
next up we're diving back into the love and relationships
of it all, and we are talking about some funds
that might say alternative, um or different or more unique
lifestyle choices when it comes to sex. So we have
(48:41):
a thruffle who is coming on the show to talk
about polygamy. We're representing both ends of the spectrum of
that that conversation topic or subject, if you will. We
have a woman who is sharing her real story about
her virginity and um, the fact that she is abstaining
until she is married. We have a sex therapist breaking
(49:03):
down the difference between fetishes and kinks, and um, really
just answering some more of your questions when it comes
to sex. We got a lot, y'all. You know, we
stay cooking up some good stuff on Hot Happy Mess.
So I will see y'all next week for another episode
every Monday, make sure you subscribe, leave that five star
rating and review. I'm Zeri Hall and I will see
(49:25):
you next week. Bye guy,
Hot Happy Mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes Happy. I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot
Happy Made. What is up? Y'all? Welcome back to another
episode of Hot Happy Mess. I am your host, Zuri Hall,
(00:29):
and in today's episode, it is just between you and Okay,
it's a you and me thing. That's right. This is
my second solo episode ever. The first one didn't traumatize
me enough, didn't scare me enough. I wasn't so afraid
(00:50):
to be alone with you guys that I said I
wasn't gonna ever do it again. I'm kidding no that
the first solo episode that I ever did self Love
is Sexy as Big was a really fun one for
me to make, and you all really responded to it well.
And now it's time for us to just kind of
go one on one a little bit again. We are
going to shoot this. We're gonna talk love and relationships.
(01:14):
I'm gonna answer some hashtag ask three questions. I'm super
excited because this is a segment that we touched on,
kind of hinted at in an earlier episode, and we're
about to just dive right in. And I want more
opportunities to talk with you and answer questions that you
might have and give you advice that I would very
(01:37):
much appreciate you not holding me legally responsible for um.
I don't know if that's too much to ask, but
I'm definitely gonna ask anyway. Also the launch of our
top Secret super exclusive group just for the Hot Happy
Mess crew, so you gotta stay tuned if you want
(01:58):
to get down with the squad. And another giveaway announcement
because we love giveaways, and we're also going to reveal
who won the giveaway of our blanket. I'm sorry if
I butchered it, but I tried and I feel, like
I said, with conviction, We're gonna announce you one that
luxury blanket. It's one of my favorite brands and I
(02:21):
have two of those blankets, so we're giving them away. Okay,
but before we get into that, I want to just
remind you really quickly, we need and love and appreciate reviews.
They seriously help so much more than I realized when
I first started it, started the podcast, but it's it's important.
It helps us with you know, analytics, that helps us
(02:41):
with exposure, It helps us with getting seen, It tells
you know, I heartened the other pose that be in
the Wizard of Oz wherever they are. Um, it tells
them that y'all are listening and loving the show. Uh
So let's tell them that you're listening and loving, shall we?
If you can just leave a review, it would be
so appreciate it, and it was a five star review,
(03:02):
be even more appreciated. Um. And you can check out
our instagram if you need a step by step tutorial
on how to leave a review, assuming you have Apple
Podcasts at the very least, I think Spotify can't Uh
Happy Mess on Instagram. Okay, so you'll know that I
love relationships and dating and and the psychology of love
that is the middle of this this latest series that
(03:24):
we're in. It's one of my favorite topics. I am
fascinated by the psychology behind our minds and our quote
unquote hearts in that sense. Um And if you've missed
an episode of this love and relationship series, you can
go to Hot Happy Mess dot com listen check out
the show notes catch up. Okay, so I promise y'all
that we had a super cool, exclusive new sexy group
(03:48):
just for the Hot Happy Mess gang. This you know,
What I love most about this community we're building is
it's not just a podcast, it's a lifestyle. It's a movement. Um,
it is a true community. And it's been so awesome
to start to see you all share your stories, uh,
not just with one another, but also with me, um
sharing your stories on the actual show. You know, we
(04:10):
have some really cool real woman stories coming up. So
I want you to go on over to our new
Facebook group, our secret Sexy Facebook group, and you can
join us. Every week we're gonna be dishing on the
latest podcast episodes. I'm gonna be hopping in there answering
your questions. You can ask me anything. I want to
see your feedback on the on the recent episodes, what
(04:30):
you want to hear more of. And then also outside
of the episodes, you're just gonna be over there talking
and kicking it and having fun and building community and
shotting about daily life hacks and your favorite TV shows. Uh.
What can we expect for season to a bridge retain
Because yes, I am one of the hive and um,
you know, just talking no topics off limits. Okay, you
(04:52):
get to meet the ladies of the group chat and
myself in real life. Well, technically as much as you
can meet us virtually, but we will be engaged in
talking with y'all. It's kind of like a long distance brunch,
you feel me like, just pour your home emost on.
I don't know if you if you're doing the bottomless situation, like,
I don't know what the budget is looking like, I
(05:12):
don't know if you're doing the extra glock. Just bring
a drink and a snack and pull up a chair
so that we can hang virtually and you never know.
We also are going to have exclusive giveaways that are
open only to our exclusive Facebook group. The key word
here is exclusive. Haven't told you how exclusive it is?
Are you sick of me yet? Don't answer that, just
(05:36):
I'm sorry. We're gonna switch gears right now. Okay, but
before we dive in, just remember that you can send
in your questions for a career, life romance, the petty
of it all, just all the petty, or if you
just have a really wild story or confession you want
to share. Okay, so just drop us a line hello
at hot happy mess dot com, or eventually you can
(06:00):
leave us a voice note because we're working on hashtag tech.
Stay tuned in the meantime, it is time four accessory.
First up, Bria says, Hi Zuri, my name is Bria,
and I absolutely love your podcast. I found it randomly
early in December by looking for podcasts to listen to
on my forty five minute commute to work. I turned
(06:22):
twenty eight in December and I just feel like I'm
not where I would like to be in life. Do
you have any advice or maybe you can talk about
it on an episode about not feeling accomplished the older
we get, especially as women, I feel like there is
a ticking time bomb on expectations like marriage, children, careers,
and such. I would really love to hear from you.
(06:43):
Thank you and the ladies on your show for creating
such relatable, entertaining content. With a little hard emoji. Oh, Bria,
thank you so much. I'm so glad you're loving the podcast. Um,
I'm so glad you asked this question really quickly. I'll
I just want you to know, honest to God, I
promise you I'm not making this up. These are the
first times I'm seeing these questions. As I read them,
I haven't even scrolled down to the next one. So also,
(07:05):
if it sucks and sorry, it's just coming from my head,
in my heart, in the moment. Um. But Bria, back
to your question. Um, First of all, twenty eight is
to me like you're just getting started girl, it is
the prime of your life. I will say, I understand
what you feel, um about not feeling like you are
(07:26):
where you need to be. And you know, I've said
that sometimes to people and they'll say, oh, well, what
do you mean you're doing this? Or your job is
this or you just flew here um, And in that space, yeah,
there's there's a lot that I have accomplished and that
I love. There's certainly way more than I still want
to do. UM. But it's not just about career, right.
I've talked about different pillars of life and how we
(07:46):
have to equally raise up and build each of those
pillars family, friends, hobbies, um, physical activity, career. Otherwise, when
one pillar shakes, we're kind of screwed. And so I
want you to know that I understand in different ways Bria,
you're talking about not feeling accomplished. UM. I don't know
(08:07):
if you mean necessarily in career or in professional spaces,
but you're right. With women, there are so many ticking
time bombs, and it's such just like patriarchal bs. Honestly,
particularly when it comes to the marriage, children, and careers.
I feel the same girl, I feel the same now,
Like I am thirty two right now, I will be
(08:30):
turning thirty three later this year. Shout out to my
gym and eyes. And at the time of this recording,
I am in a great relationship with a man that
I love very much, but I'm not engaged. I'm obviously
not married. I don't have kids. You know, I really
dedicated the first ten years of my young adulthood to
(08:54):
grinding and to work. And you know, one day I
looked up and this is the last few years, and
suddenly I was starting to hear the whisper for for
things in other departments, where in my twenties I didn't
really feel that the need, the urge that like it
was like, yeah, that'd be cool. And one day I
want to do all the things. I want to get married,
I want to have kids. I love kids, but I wasn't, like,
(09:14):
you know, overly thinking about it. And then one day
you look up and it's like all your friends are
getting married or doing this thing. And I never felt
the pressure because I was always a person who was like,
what's for me is for me. But I understand even
though for me, I would see friends getting married or
having kids, and I would be happy for them and
be like, oh my gosh, that's awesome, but I would
(09:36):
also be like, I am not ready for that. Now.
I'm excited and I'm ready for that stuff once the
time is right, and I'm not forcing it, but it
can be really hard when the people around you um
have expectations right. What I hope you will remember is
that when it comes to not feeling accomplished, you really
(09:56):
I would encourage you to check in with your core
or values. What gives you a sense of accomplishment even
in the day, Like if I run, or hell, if
I just put on some leggings and my heart rate
goes up even slightly for more than fifteen minutes, that
gives me a sense of accomplishment. Because I hate working out,
(10:17):
and I've learned that it is important to carve out
small moments and small opportunities to feel accomplishment. We can't
always be constantly looking for the next big, bright, obvious
Instagram announcement of accomplishment because there's so much life lived
(10:38):
in the middle of those moments, and it would be
a shame to waste it. So it's like, what can
I do, what lights me up, what excites me? What
when I'm done doing it? Am I proud of um?
Whether it's reading a new book and actually finishing it,
y'all know that's accomplishment for me because I stayed reading
half a book. Like I said, getting a little bit
of cardio, small personal manageable winds. That is something that
(11:01):
is so important, and particularly for millennials. You know, I
was reading in an article recently, as a matter of fact,
hold on, I want to pull it up. You know,
recent trend reports in the last few years, I have
talked about the fact that people are craving manageable small winds.
You know. It's it's just one of those things where
(11:23):
we get so caught up being told by the world
right that we have to chase our best life, best life,
best life. And I am all about the best life,
because Lord knows, I'm out here chasing mine. But I
think the more important thing is redefining what best means
is best what society tells you it should be. Maria,
is it? You know, certain career accomplishment, otherwise it's not
(11:46):
deemed worthy of applause. That might be true externally, but
really I would encourage you to sit down with yourself
the same way I had to sit down with myself
and say what makes me proud? What am I happy
that I've accomplished or done even if nobody else cares
or is impressed by it? And while I do do
a lot that is, you know, achievement that outwardly gets
(12:10):
acclaim or accomplishment or acknowledgement. A lot of the work
that I do that I feel most accomplished by is
the self work, which has now manifested in hot happy mess.
But I was really proud of myself that the weeks
or the months that I had committed to therapy when
I finished that self help book and actually had some
takeaways uh similar to like attached which I brought up
(12:31):
in a recent episode about attachment theory um finishing that
book and realizing, Wow, I poured into myself. I gave
myself something. Who cares if nobody else knows that I
ever did this? Who cares if this isn't the promotion
at work that I'm gunning for or the side hustle
that I wanted to launche. These were small things that
still gave me a sense of accomplishment. So I would
(12:52):
encourage that first of all. And then when it comes to,
you know, the topic of marriage, children, et cetera. One thing,
take comfort, okay, because I'm taking comfort in it. And
the fact that things take longer then people realize and
you have more time, God willing. Then we sometimes feel
(13:14):
like in our twenties. In my twenties, I felt like
that was it. If it didn't happen, then it wasn't
gonna happen. If it didn't happen, then it wasn't worth happening.
I wanted to be great in my twenties and doing
this and this and that. And the truth is I
didn't even really step into my own power and who
I fully Zuri Hall was until my late twenties. It
was around twenty eight, you know, I was in a
relationship that I ended. Gosh, my numbers and math are
(13:38):
so bad, all um. I was around your age. I
think it was twenty nine, and then I was suddenly
single for the first time in a long time. And
I'll be honest, I had that moment of should I
freeze my eggs. Like I'm newly single, I'm not stressed
about that. I was, honestly, I was really excited to
be single and just be out and mixing and mingling. Um,
(14:00):
but I was nervous and a little bit, you know,
in my head about the technicality of it all, the
biology of it all. I don't mind being out having fun,
dating and stuff. I enjoy that process. But that doesn't
mean that these ovaries are gonna just be out in
these streets with us forever, pretending like we don't have
(14:21):
a literal biological clock, which is a bummer for us ladies. Um.
But I had those concerns too, and I thought about
freezing my eggs at that time, and I did not,
but I felt that pressure, and then I decided, you know,
what is for me is for me. I will seriously
(14:41):
consider this whole egg freezing thing in a year if
I'm still completely single and just really want to start
to prepare other options for myself. Um. But in the meantime,
I'm going to fully immerse myself in the exact moment
I am in and just see what that brings me.
(15:02):
So instead of overly harping on what I didn't have,
which to be honest, I didn't want at the time,
which was, you know, a long term relationship, now a partner,
a husband, uh, baby daddy because I'm having kids. Um.
Instead of being worried about not having that, I fully
immersed myself and I am single. The world is mine.
(15:24):
Whatever I want, wherever I want to go, whoever I
want to be with, I can, and I welcomed each
day with a sense of excitement and wonder. I was
reading The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhymes and truly
literally saying yes two things that I otherwise wouldn't y'all.
I ended up at Burning Man with a great group
of people, but that I had really just met, probably
(15:46):
a few months before that at the time of my life.
I laughed, I cried. I grew what felt like a
year in three days on the ground and black Rock
City camping. But those moments and memories were because I said, yeah,
us to the moment in the chapter I was in,
even if it wasn't the chapter I thought i'd be in.
I was one of many who thought, you know, when
(16:07):
I was in high school and in college, oh yeah,
I'll probably I'll wait to get married, you know, I'll
be engaged by probably like twenty five. I'm gonna take
my time L O L, and you know, married by
twenty six, probably pop out my first kid. I'm thinking
twenty seven, and I really just want to knock out
two to four kind of back to back to back,
so that I can snap back by thirty five. So
(16:28):
I'm thinking knock out most of the kids by thirty
maybe thirty two at the very latest. Y'all. I'm thirty
two now. I ain't got no baby, ain't got no
no family, ain't got no miles defeat except my own,
and I love it for now. Um ain't got no dependence.
(16:51):
And in my original plan for my personal life, I
was supposed to have checked all those boxes by now.
I'm only just now entering that phase in that chapter
where I'm about to start checking those boxes, and it's exciting,
and I'm so glad I waited now because I'm looking
up in my early thirties and realizing, Wow, if I
had made lifetime commitments and choices earlier in my you know, twenties,
(17:17):
not to not anyone who did, but for me in
my life, if I had made choices based on who
I was, then I wouldn't be able to make the
choices that I'm making now, more fully informed, slightly more
emotionally mature, UM, more humble and open to the universe
and God and what he has for me as opposed
to what I wanted or thought would be. And so
(17:39):
I'm really excited because the blessing in disguise was It's
all been worth the way, and I see now what
I waited for. So I would just encourage you to
not be discouraged. Trust the process, Trust the timing of
your life UM, as cliche or frustrating as that can
be to hear sometimes, and know that you're not alone
(18:00):
O that UM other people are going through. That's saying
what the heck am I doing that you are going through?
I go through that on any given day, I promise you,
at least once every few months, I have a what
the hell am I doing? A moment? What is it
all for? Do I need to start over again? So
know that there's one quote that I love so much
(18:22):
and I've seen floating around on Instagram and Twitter, and
it says no, but seriously, normalize finding love in your forties.
Normalize discovering and chasing new dreams in your thirties normalized
finding yourself and your purpose in your fifties. Life doesn't
end at Let's stop acting like it does. And if
(18:42):
that is not a word, then I don't know what
it is. Okay, trust it, trust the process, and enjoy
where you are and keep listening to how happy mess
you know we can find the magic in the middle
of those messages. Just be present in the meantime. I
hope that helps a little bit more than anything. I'm
just trying to offer comfort and reassurance that you are
not alone in that and you have so much life
(19:04):
left to live. Okay, be gentle with yourself, be kind
with yourself. I'm sending you so much loves all right, Sarah.
Sarah says Hi Zurie, I love the podcast and can't
wait to keep following your journey. My question, I often
hear people say be friends with people who inspire you,
be in the room with people who you look up to,
(19:25):
or if you're the smartest person in the room, you're
in the wrong room. So I guess I want to
know how to get in these rooms. How do you
find friend groups that inspire you? Can't wait to hear
your answers. Oh that's a really great question. Wow. Let
me think for a second to that. The first thing
I would say, you know, I'll talk a little bit
(19:46):
about maybe how to get in the rooms, which right
now is more like how to get in the zoom
chat or the video call, because we're not really uh
mix it in mingling in person as much. But when
it comes to friend groups that inspire me, that is
really important for me. And as you have seen, you know,
I've shared some of my best friends with you all,
some of my really close friends via the group chat,
(20:09):
and you've gotten to know those amazing, beautiful women in
my life. And it's really important. And what's really interesting
to note with the group chat, UM, and particularly my
closest best friends, some of whom are on the show
and some of whom are not, UM, is that the
truest and closest friends in my life have all been
in my life for ten years plus. And I'm gonna
(20:31):
advocate for new friends and old friends. So I'm not
a no new friends person, not really. UM. I believe
that you have to earn trust with with friendships and
things like that. UM. But I'm one of those people
who is very much about that day one life, like
the people who have been rocking with me, I want
to continue to rock with me, and vice versa, Like
my loyalty will always be unwavering to the people who
(20:52):
have held me down, and I've held them down since
before anybody else was messing with any of us or
impressed by anything that we had going on. You know,
I'm thinking of my friends. Yeah, Like my five best
friends are all tim plus years at this time, which
is something I'm really grateful for when it comes to
(21:13):
finding friend groups, like that technology is your friend. Like
I used to think it was kind of weird and
I didn't especially on Instagram, Like I didn't understand genuinely,
like girls would like hurt my my photos are like
common understuff, and I be like, oh, that's so nice
or that's so sweet, and then I would like like
their comments and kind of keep it moving or something.
And it was only in hindsight once I realized, like, oh,
(21:34):
people are really out here on Instagram using these platforms
to connect and network. I just gotta like throw my
photos up and went on about my day, looked at
nice photos, double tapped them, and went about my day.
Um So I was kind of late to the party
to the realization of people are connecting on Instagram, and
not just in the romantic slide, in the d m
S way, but also in the women supporting women way.
(21:57):
It's been really cool on Instagram as I've connected with
other not just TV hosts, but like minded women, whether
it's you know, our our social perspective or our nonprofit
and charitable work, or the fact you know that we're
women of color in television. But it's been really great
to connect and build, you know, friendly digital relationships in
(22:21):
that way. So I would encourage you to take the
opportunity to use Twitter and Instagram these social platforms not
just to follow people you might know um or you
know hashtag goals, but also people who are kind of
climbing up with you, who are around you. I did
a fireside chat with Leslie Odom Jr. Just the other day,
(22:43):
and he said something really interesting to me, um that
apparently he said Sa Ray had told him I think
or had said to someone and he'd heard it, which
was the advice of you know, people are always trying
to manage up or look up, like, how who can
I connect with that's gonna help me get to where
I'm trying to go who's above me already? And she
(23:05):
was basically saying, look around. These are the people who
will come up in the industry with you. These are
the people who will come up in organizations with you. So, UM,
reach out instead of up, so you know, stumble into
using those hashtags, connecting with women and men who are
like minded. UM. And even if it's a digital friendship
and a digital space, that's still space too to be inspired.
(23:28):
So I would encourage you to do that. UM, when
it comes to getting in the room. If you're talking
about professionally, I highly recommend linked Daniell. People sleep on LinkedIn.
I got on there the other day and I was like, wait,
when did it become so lit? And why didn't I
get the invitation? People are just on their posting status
is and they got photo updates and Carolsels. I'm just like,
when did all of this happen? I was, I did
not get the software update. Thanks, but I'm loving it.
(23:50):
So I'm actually, I mean I engage on LinkedIn every
now and then now and UM, it's a good way
to get connected. And you don't have to again, just
have it be someone who and hire you. UM, you
can meet colleagues, you can meet people with similar interests
UM and bond over groups. They have different professional organizations
with groups so that you can chat about UM your
(24:12):
industry not just on LinkedIn, but on Facebook with those
different groups. And then also Hot Happy Mess they we've
got the exclusive secret Facebook group, So go join that
Hot Happy Mess and connect with the rest of the
gang and hopefully friendships spring from that too. We've also
got an upcoming episode called Girlfriends Guide to Breakups where
(24:32):
we're gonna talk about, you know, friendship breakups, how to
build strong friendships, and also in the future we're going
to dive into women friendships and how how we make
those friends. So obviously stick around for more episodes of
How Happy Mess coming soon. Um. But it's it's hard sometimes,
Like I've been in l A for six years now,
at least almost seven, and it was really tough to
(24:55):
build friendships because you don't always trust people's motives and um,
it's a city of social climbers. I will speak straight up,
and I am from Ohio and like I said, I've
had the same friends for an eternity at this point,
and I appreciate new friends, but I think over the
first few years of being in l A and starting
and going into friendships with an open heart and then realizing,
(25:18):
oh they were there for this, or oh once they
realized there was nothing to be gained, there was no
interest left in you know, sustaining or building true friendship.
So I kind of got cool on that. But I've
been blessed to find my core, like tight knit group
of girls out here. But that's like years and years
to cultivate. And it's the same as dating, right. You know,
(25:39):
I had to go out with a whole lot of
guys to realize which guys I liked and which guys
I didn't, and then to finally decide and choose one.
But it was because I went through all of those
other experiences. So you're gonna have to go through testing
out friendships, getting to know people, and then risking being
heard or being led down because that's what vulnerabilit he is.
(26:00):
But that's also how intimacy is built, and not just
in a romantic way. Um. And then also try bumble bff.
I actually did the app years ago, UM, when I
was first in l A and trying to make new friends,
and I actually went on a little a date a
friend date with a girl that I matched with on
bumble BFF and we got drinks hung out. She was
super sweet. We never hung out again, but she was
(26:21):
nice and she thought I was nice and we meant
to and then we just got away from us. We
never did, but that could be a cool way for
for you to connect also, So happy connecting, and don't
forget to join our secret Facebook group. Al right, next up,
money Listen, I'm gonna need y'all in my life today
and forever. I want a support team like no other,
(26:41):
and I'm willing to relocate with my two sons. Learning
who I really am and trying to make sure all
three of us is happy and healthy is all that
matters at this point, and I'm willing to risk it
all to find it. What are your views on relocating
to a place where you know no one and no
support where you're trying to move to. Wow, that's a
big one. Well. I love that you are just so
(27:03):
down for whatever it is to create the best life
for you and your two boys. Um, honestly, I'm a
big advocate for relocating to a place where no one
knows me and you know I can support what I'm
trying to do or where I'm trying to go, because
that's all I ever did. In mind. When that was out,
I would drop a mic so fast and be like, y'all,
don't gotta understand, y'all would get it in in in retrospect,
(27:25):
it is important to have a circle or a support team,
I'd say, just to keep updated and kind of talk
you through the emotional aspect of such a big move.
You know, when I first left Ohio after I graduated,
I bounced around. So I was in Indiana, so the
first move was just next door. Then I went back
to Dayton, Ohio, or went to Dayton, I'm from Toledo.
(27:46):
And then I moved the biggest move I'd ever made.
And I was twenty four, and I got offered a
job to co anchor the evening news in Dallas, Texas,
and I was afraid, Like that was the first move
that didn't just excite me, it kind of gave me
a weird gut flip. Um. I felt good about it,
and I knew it was what I needed for myself
(28:07):
for that next step on the on the resume. But
that was Texas is its own little country, y'all, and
and it is so far away from Ohio, and it
was nothing I'd ever known. I'd never spent time there
in that way, but I took the leap of faith
and I booked a one way flight to Dallas. I
started fresh. I knew absolutely no one. One tip I
(28:28):
have is you'd be surprised, particularly with Facebook et cetera,
just how easy it is to connect with acquaintances or
people who just have a few degrees of separation from you,
and be like, drop a location, put a type of
location in Facebook, and use technology to your advantage in
that way, find support groups or local communities on the
(28:49):
ground in the city where you're moving, and just dive
in there. I had a few friends. Everyone knew I
was moving to Dallas, so I was like, hey, y'all,
semi recommendations. If y'all have friends, are good people, you know,
I don't care if I've never met them, Give me
their numbers, and you know, I'll try to start putting
out fuelers to build new friendships. Um So that helped,
and through you know, a friend of a friend of
(29:10):
a friend met a couple of really great girls down
there in Dallas who I still keep in touch with
to this day. And um really dove into work. I
was moving there for a job, met one of my
best friends still to this day. There he and I
were co anchoring together, and that's a friendship that now
has has gone ten years. And all of that springs
(29:31):
from starting over and starting fresh. And then as much
as I love Dallas, I was there for only ten months.
My goal was national by and I got that job
offer in New York. So I packed up and I left.
And it was a weird feeling because I loved my
time in Dallas, but I just knew what my end
goal was. And so even when my family back home
(29:51):
in Ohio or acquaintances would be like, are you sure
you don't want to just stay in Dallas? Is going
so well and this could be next for you there
and then this, it's like, I just trust my gut
and my heart, and I knew people would get it
on the back end, and so that was it. So
even if no one you feel like it's supporting you,
if you know you got you, which it sounds like,
you know that that's all you need. Honestly, I truly
(30:14):
believe that. You know, obviously, we've all been living through
a pandemic at this point, which has strengthened a lot
of our long distance relationships, whether it's with family, platonic friends. Um,
we're being reminded that we can lean on people virtually
and via technology, so it's it's not quite as important
if the people aren't on the ground with you in
(30:34):
that city anymore. And then yeah, like I said, utilize
social media, Facebook groups, joint how happy mass See. We
got some people in the city you trying to pack
up for But I would encourage you to do it
if if it's on your heart to do and it
feels right to you, you can always begin again. A
matter of fact, y'all know, I love a quote, So
here we go, and I like this because it is
(30:56):
so applicable at any age, but particularly as we get older.
You know, I've had moments where I'm like, I'm too
old now to start over or do this now or
pivot in this way, and I've stopped doing that. As
long as I'm alive, there is an opportunity to pivot,
to evolve, to be a different Zuri than I was yesterday.
And it's the same for you. You every day that
(31:17):
you wake up, you have this amazing opportunity to be
whoever you want to be, and to decide to no
longer be whoever you no longer want to be. As
woo as that is, it truly is as simple as
waking up and deciding deciding to be a different thing,
to think a different way, to interact with the people
around you differently than you did the day before. The
(31:39):
quote that I'm talking about is by f Scott Fitzgerald,
and he says, for what it's worth. Oh, I did
read this actually a few episodes ago. Um, maybe the
one about is it time to pivot? But it goes
for what it's worth. It's never too late or in
my case, too early, to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can
(32:01):
change or stay the same. There are no rules to
this thing. We can make the best or the worst
of it. I hope you make the best of it.
I hope you see things that startle you. I hope
you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you
meet people who have a different point of view. I
hope you live a life you're proud of, and if
you're not, I hope you have the courage to start
(32:22):
over again. Monet it sounds like you have the courage.
So if you decide to start over again, I wish
you all the best, all the luck and love in
the world. Go and do the move, girl, higher movers.
That's my one recommendation, because all the times I didn't,
I mostly just ended up in tears sobbing over boxes
(32:43):
for the first two weeks. Next up, Casey, maybe Cassie.
I think Casey with a ka. Hi, Zuri, I need
your help. I'm so fucking pissed. Damn oh coming out swinging.
What's going on? I just found out my boyfriend has
cheated on me multiple times. I admit I had a feeling,
so I checked his phone and saw so much ass ditties.
(33:03):
I'm petty, so I want to do something drastic to
get pay back. Hey, especially because he don't know I know.
So should I be the bigger person or can I
activate my inner angela? By the way, we live together,
and I should get into war for how I'm smiling
through the pain. This really sucks, siss First of all,
let me tell you I understand. Just know that I understand.
(33:26):
I feel your pain. I feel you. Okay, you have
every right to be piste, every right to be upset.
Also screwed this idiot, not literally in the most figurative
sense of the word, for being dumb enough to step
out on you, let alone more than once. I respect
the FBI game. Um, here's the thing, Bravo. I'm gonna
(33:53):
give you the golden globe. I'm gonna give you the
oscar for smiling through the pain because I know how
hard it is to try to put on a brave
face when you are breaking inside, because I have certainly
had to do that. A part of me, Look, I'm
a Gemini. A part of me says, activate the inner angie.
You feel me, get your best that on, light the
car up, and don't look back. However, what we don't
(34:15):
want is for you, my good sister, to catch a
case over this fool. So what we can't do. What
we can't do is end up behind bars because he
was the one doing dumb ship in the first place. Um,
because you, he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve
the repercussions of anything that he might. You know, counteract,
(34:36):
he might see your petty and raise you a petty.
You feel me, and then actually, I don't know your relationship.
You're dynamic. Are you all the type to like call
the police and then hang up and be like, never mind,
I don't know. So hopefully it's it's something that's not
crazy crazy like that, like that's really intends And in
all seriousness, if at any point you don't feel saved
(34:57):
or you feel like it's it's a problem, by all means,
walk away from the relationship, don't even engage, don't even
try to prove a point, just get the hell out
of there. But it sounds like he's just being a douchebag,
Like a typical douchebag who's cheating. I'm not mad at
a little payback. What are we thinking, Casey or Cassie? Oh,
(35:18):
because girl, I'm petty too. Okay, let's think through this.
What can we do? Oh my god, I want to
confess something that I did that was so petty once.
Oh god, I want to confess it. But I don't
know if I should confess it. Okay, this is what
I was saying. I don't know if I'm ready to
confess my petty moment, but I will say this, I
(35:40):
have had petty and what I did in the moment
when I was trying to decide if I should be
petty with the payback because I had found out that
I was being lied to in a very significant way
and being disrespected in a very significant way. Um. I
one thing that I did before I did one thing
(36:01):
that I did, I called my best friend. I called
one of my day ones. Okay, Ashley, I'll know her
from the group chat, Ashley, you know exactly what I'm
talking about. And I called her before I was going
to do it. So basically, what I'm recommending is that
you reach out to a best friend who not just
knows you, but also knows your dude and his likelihood
of petty retaliation. You know, like, you just need someone
(36:22):
you trust and love to help you play this through.
So for me, that person was actually so I hopped
on the phone and I was like girl. She was
like girl. I was like girl. She was like girl.
I was like girl. So then I was like, Okay,
we're doing this, and she was like, after everything that
you have been through, after what you put up with,
after what you found out, hell, yeah, do it. And
(36:44):
I was like okay, because I want to do it now,
but I just don't want tell me if I'm tripping,
talk me off this ledge, if I'll regret this, talk
me off this ledge, if I'm bigger than this, if
I'm better. But I tried to be bigger or better
right now, and she was like, nah, I wasn't bigger
and better for another day. And you gotta get that
from someone you trust, because someone you don't trust will
just be out here setting you up for failure, telling
(37:05):
you anything and Loki probably hoping that you fall on
your face or that it comes to bite you in
the butt. So you can't trust everybody. Okay, this has
to be someone in your circle of trust. But I
know she has my back, she knows I have hers.
We just riding this thing until the wheels fall off together,
this thing called life. And so when she said, na,
you deserve that moment of Petty, I did it. I'm
not gonna tell you what I did, but I did
(37:26):
it so I would say, and oh it felt good.
Oh it felt good, girl, I'm so just talking out
with the bestie. It felt so good. And let me
tell you, to this day, one of the best decisions
I ever made in regards to that situation. I think
about it, and I think about how I almost didn't
choose Petty and I just think God, even though he
(37:48):
is up there and shaking his head, I know, but
it was small. It wasn't anything that caused any harm
or anything like bad bad like that. But it was
a nice little figurative twist of the knife, and it
was the least of what should have been sent his way.
So that's what I'll say about that. I don't regret it.
I'm glad I did it. Sometimes I think about it
and I just get glad all over again in a
(38:10):
small smile cracks on my face. So just let me
keep it real with you. You might feel that on
the other side, okay, um, But in all seriousness, I
am sorry that it sucks and that should going through
this pain because I've I've felt that before and it's hard.
But know that you will come out on the other side,
and as painful as it might be right now, it
(38:31):
won't last forever. And the sooner you can cut the
dead weight, the sooner that you let go of this
guy and his toxicity and his lies, you free yourself
up for all the good things to come your way.
To shift your energy to love and pour into yourself,
focus on yourself, and then that energy goes out there
(38:51):
and then when you're ready. Oh lord y'all, this is
how y'all know. I live by that, Oprah if she
gave me because you said this almost word for word
to me, if you years ago. Um, but when you're ready,
like I am, I'm living proof of that, that person
will show up. And in the meantime, enjoy being single. Girl.
You have clearly gone through it and you deserve to
(39:12):
just go be great, treat yourself, indulged, love on yourself,
and that'll help you not just smile through the pain,
but truly get through it. And I'm sending you love.
I'm thinking of you. I know that's tough, but you'll
bounce back, no doubt. All Right, Tiffany, this is the
(39:32):
last one, Tiffany says, Hey, Zuri. In September, I bought
my first house and my partner moved in around November
to save money their lease was up and because our
long term plan is marriage. But it's been a few
months and I'm going crazy. This is my second time
living with a significant other. The first time we were
roommates that started dating and it was okay but not
the greatest. Also, it was straight out of college, so
(39:55):
different expectations. But now I'm a bit more seasoned and
I like things a certain way, and my part or
is driving me insane. My biggest complaint is the laundry.
I'm not sure how, but although we're in a pandemic
and are hardly going places, we're doing so much laundry.
I mean, I'm doing so much laundry. Actually, I feel
like I'm doing the bulk of the housework and my
(40:16):
partner is just coasting by on their good looks. They
do stuff like take out the trash and fill the dishwasher,
but it's like I'm living with a teenager. I'm at
my wits end. Clothes going the hamper, put the cat
back on the toothpaste, fold the laundry and put it away.
Not just yourself, Zuri girl, help me. I don't know
if I'm making sense, but I'm gonna lose my ship, Tiffany,
I can fill it from mouth away. You are on
(40:38):
edge about this, and I understand that I would be
too if I was annoyed. Okay, So I'm gonna keep
it all the way real with y'all. As I always do.
Remember the whole hot, happy mess of it. All the
mess is in there for a reason I am the
mess guys, So I literally, Tiffany, I am speaking to
you as allegedly if you let my boyfriend Shawn sell it.
(40:59):
But I really don't think it's this way, um, But honestly, no,
it's not what I think about it. He is just as,
he's not just as, but he can be kind of messy,
like who like leave stuff around a little bit, But
I definitely do it way more and I just have
a bunch of crap, like I think I'm low kia
horder and with me, I will say this, if your
(41:26):
partner is someone who can just live with all the
chaos or just like things piling up in corners, then
they can live with it. And if you just sit
there and you're being passive, aggressive or just hoping one
day they'll realize it. Girl' wouna tell you right now
they won't. They won't because I won't. I'll just keep
(41:47):
on moving. I'll look at that whole little pile of
clothes and be like, well that's there. So one I
would recommend, I don't know, um, you know, if you
guys have versed the conversation, but if you haven't broke
the conversation, you should just bring it up straight up
because the passive aggressiveness, they probably won't catch on too.
(42:09):
If anything, it'll annoy them. And the script For me,
it's like if if you're you're coming to me, I
would love to hear, Hey, look like, I'm excited about
us having moved in together. I know that marriage is
something down the road, and we're we're kind of planning
for our future, so you know, I just kind of
want to talk about the ground rules, right Like, I
(42:30):
think it would be great if we could lay a
foundation for what we want our home life together to be, Like,
what are the expectations around um, you know, domestic we're
cleaning up this and that. I think it would be
really great if we could work out a system to
kind of evenly divide the labor. What do you think
about that? How do you feel about that? It would
(42:53):
be awesome if you could help me out by doing
this a little more often. Or the last time you
did that, I really a pre created it. This is
how much it helps me. It'd be so great if
if like we can get into a rhythm like that.
If your partner is coasting on their good looks, it
sounds like, well then girl, you gonna have to not
let them coast on the good looks. Don't look in
their eyes when you tell them to do the laundry. Um,
(43:16):
but I think you should sit down and have a
serious but loving conversation, and it doesn't have to be antagonistic.
Try your best to calm down and be chill beforehand
and come from a place of love and appreciation for
what your partner does. Do you know, bring up the
fact they're taking out the trash, even if that's the
only damn thing they're doing, so you appreciate it and
(43:39):
would really love to see a little more of this
or this, you know. So hopefully just telling your partner
that straight up will help. But you gotta do it
because if y'all are talking about marriage, it's only gonna
get worse. You're only gonna get more comfortable with one another,
and you're only gonna get driven more crazy. So God's
(43:59):
be to you. I'm sorry that you're living with me,
like I've gotten better, and also I'm just for me.
It's more like an organized chaos, Like I just have
stacks of books and papers everywhere, and I do let
like even my clean coat clothes, just like pole up
for the longest. I'll get to folding them sometimes. But
I don't know what your budgets looking like. But you
could also, you know, maybe talk to your partner about
(44:23):
going have these on, um like a house cleaning service,
even if it's not every week, maybe just every other
week or once a month, and so that person or
those people can come in. You could do an app
like handy I've used before. This is not sponsored. I've
just really used them, molly Maids, et cetera. And uh,
they can come in and do one big deep clean
(44:44):
once a month or you know, once every two weeks,
do the laundry or whatever it is. And then if
your partner isn't willing to cough it up physically because
they're being lazy or they just don't like doing that stuff,
maybe they're willing to to cough it up and compensate financially,
which is more my perspective. I'm like, I'd rather pay
for it and get it done and then i don't
have to hear you yelling at me. You're being mad
(45:05):
at me about this, then we have to do it.
I'd rather my pocket hurt and then my back while
I'm bending over the scene trying to do these dishes.
Good luck to you though. All right, that's it for
this round of ass Hopefully it helps a little bit.
Make sure you guys send your submissions. If you have
anything that you liked me to give advice on email
(45:27):
us hello at Hot Happy mess dot com, slide in
our d ms on Instagram at Hot Happy Mess, and
or make sure you go hang with us UM on
the new super exclusive Hot Happy Mess Facebook page. We've
got the group going over there, so join the conversation.
And I'm excited to announce the winner of our giveaway
(45:48):
for the luxury fringe Brandsmi meg Uncin. That's M E
G O n K E n A k A the
Midwest Millennial. So congratulations, You're going to get that luxurious
blanket Cruelty Free, so gorgeous, one of my favorites. UM,
such an awesome French lux brand, So congratulations. And keeping
(46:10):
with the theme of luxury, you know, we just wrapped
up Black History Month, but black history is being made
all day, every day, every month. Uh. And as we
wrap up Black History Month and the month of Love
we want to partner with. We are partnering with a really,
really sexy, super dope lingerie company called love Vera. Their
(46:32):
instagram is at shop love Vera v r A. And
we're giving one of our listeners a one hundred dollar
gift card. Okay, it's not too late to enter the giveaway,
um depending on when you're listening to this. It closes Friday,
March twelve at fifty nine Eastern, So just head on
over to our Instagram account and you can win a
(46:52):
one hundred dollar gift card to love Vera. It's a
black owned lingerie brand that is inclusive for all sizes
and all skin tones, and love Vera is approved by
none other than Queen be herself, you hear me. And
the brand has been featured in Vogue recently. And I
just they have really sexy laces and lingerie of all
(47:15):
different flesh tones. And I love flesh toned lingerie, not
just obviously because it hides well under certain fabrics, but
then I love like a sheer blouse moment with a
collar and buttons, and so I kind of like when
I get like a flesh tone broad that kind of
peeks out a little bit underneath. So go over there
and get you a hundred dollar get card. Maybe just
gott to enter the giveaway Okay Instagram at Hot Happy Mess.
(47:36):
Go check out the post with a lingerie that says
giveaway and enter Happy Okay. That is it for this
episode of Hot Happy Mess. Make sure you join our
exclusive new group on Facebook. I can't wait to meet
more of you guys and have tons of fun over there.
Keep these conversations going. Last week I chatted with Mina Harris.
She is the CEO and creator a phenomenal and of
(47:58):
course she is the niece of our Madam Vice President,
Kamala Harris, who of course is the United States first
female Vice president, first African American, and first Asian American
vice president, and the highest ranking female official in US history.
Thank you very much. Mina is talking all about ambition,
what it means and the Harris household her new book
(48:21):
to help encourage ambitious girls in a new generation of
ambitious young women. So that's a really great combo. And
next up we're diving back into the love and relationships
of it all, and we are talking about some funds
that might say alternative, um or different or more unique
lifestyle choices when it comes to sex. So we have
(48:41):
a thruffle who is coming on the show to talk
about polygamy. We're representing both ends of the spectrum of
that that conversation topic or subject, if you will. We
have a woman who is sharing her real story about
her virginity and um, the fact that she is abstaining
until she is married. We have a sex therapist breaking
(49:03):
down the difference between fetishes and kinks, and um, really
just answering some more of your questions when it comes
to sex. We got a lot, y'all. You know, we
stay cooking up some good stuff on Hot Happy Mess.
So I will see y'all next week for another episode
every Monday, make sure you subscribe, leave that five star
rating and review. I'm Zeri Hall and I will see
(49:25):
you next week. Bye guy,
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